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| Sun December 07, 2008 |
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If you're going to steal the church collection plate be sure the priest isn't also a marathon runner
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Danish CEO wanted for fraud turns self in to Los Angeles police, escapes death when officers figure out he doesn't have a cream cheese center
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After mother yells "My baby, my baby", man rushes into a burning building to save a baby trapped on the 2nd floor. So cliché
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| (Some New Amsterdamer) |
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Christmas time traditions: eggnog, presents, caroling, and you can't forget the special "Christmas Quiz" by none other than Bill O'Rielly
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Fear produces more fear and inhibits sound decision-making processes. EVERYBODY PANIC
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Why the proliferation of sexual abuse lawsuits has made men unwilling to volunteer for just about anything where children are in the same area code, let alone the same building. Tag is for this society
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Mom bans her son from playing Nintendo's Scrabble because she doesn't want him to know that "tits" is a word. Um, mom...he already knows
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Riot squad, police helicopter, and K-9 units dispatched to deal with 600-person brawl outside Sydney pub, resulting in 3 arrests. That's some damn fine police work there, Bruce. And Bruce. And you too, Bruce
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UN: Rich countries should give $130 billion to poor countries so their leaders can spend it on fancier palac- we mean "global warming prevention"
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Smoker fined for littering after his cigarette was knocked from his hand in scuffle as he was helping police subdue a shoplifter. "No excuses will be accepted"
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If you recently donated a pair of boots to a Milwaukee thrift store, you might be a colossal dumbass
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Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli: "...the majority of the Senators said that ... they've got 60, 70, 80,000 miles. The comment was you guys are making them too good and therefore, we're not buying vehicles ... "
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Photoshop theme: Rejected role playing games
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Nobel prize winner says the Internet might have stopped Hitler. Is there anything it can't do?
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Siskel and Ebert's review of "A Christmas Story". Siskel: "I wonder if anyone will go see this"
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| (Florida Today) |
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You stroll out of your home and, lo and behold, you find a baggie of pot right there on your driveway. What do you do? Decisions, decisions
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By mid-career, median philosophy major paid more than chemistry major. SNAP
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Ugly-assed twin elephants born in Nepal Zoo. The Sun has the aww pics for you
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| (Some Guy) |
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Best Amazon review you'll see in the next 47 minutes
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Revolutionary study concludes that losing your job makes you more likely to stay home
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Hotels reveal strangest requests. Submitter's request for three coconuts, a banjo and a picture of Linda Hunt didn't make the list
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Car Czar proposed for auto industry bailout. The War on Cars has begun
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In an effort to break a terrorism group, Maryland police admit that they bugged a silent vigil held by a group of Catholic nuns
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Non'trée (nŏn-trā'): Downwardly-mobile restaurant guest forced to consume appetizers in hope of saving money while maintaining lifestyle. In related news, waiters can be pretty clever when they're not being snooty
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New food source in these troubled economic times: pigeon. "The small birds can make a great alternative to turkey at Christmas" (pic)
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Sixteen-year-old gets college degree in just two years. Expected to be named junior assistant manager AND man the fry station at McDonalds
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Britain accused of planning an invasion of Zimbabwe. This is not a repeat headline from 1888
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| (Some Guy) |
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Cop's lawyer invokes the Benny Hill defense and claims the videotape showing his client brutalizing a woman was doctored and sped up
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| (The Chronicle Telegram) |
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The library director who said "if a library doesn't have something that offends, it's not doing its job" over the crazy Santa display has decided they have been doing their job a little to well and yanks the display
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| (KTLA) |
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Jack Sparrow actors at Disneyland get the ol' heave ho for being too sexy. Fark: after being flashed by teen girls. UltraFark: replaced by fairies
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| (Sunday Mail) |
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Those twelve rescue/engine apparatus you just bought for the fire service? Yeah, um, there's just one minor detail we forgot to mention
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| (WOAI) |
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Today's teacher arrested for sexual contact with a student brought to you by San Antonio, Texas. (With "Hey, she was 18, so fark it" pic)
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Iran claims it could shut down the Strait of Hormuz with its new surface-to-surface photoshop technology
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Comcast technician saves six people from burning building, then visits customer to take a well-deserved nap on the couch
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You gotta love an article that begins, "A hooker and a Baptist minister having sex in a seedy motel room, where a camera was hidden in a clock radio"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Hells Angels transfer large sum of money from the hookers and blow account into newly formed legal defense fund (with "we so bad" photo)
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Public warned not to eat Irish pork, especially the McRib
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| (themorningnews .org) |
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Photoshop this partial plane
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Sidewalk solicitors in NYC purporting to collect money for the homeless are pocketing the funds themselves. In other news, sky is blue and snow is wet
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Thief steals St. Nicolas Day presents from two households. Police searching for a green, furry individual riding a sled pulled by a tiny dog with huge antlers strapped to its head
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Pollution causes smaller penises. Vicious cycle for Hummer drivers
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Looking for work? How well do you know wieners?
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Court OKs diaper evidence at astronaut's trial. Will she win? Depends
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| (azfamily.com) |
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Both Jesus and the Virgin Mary have been spotted in the Phoenix-area. Even stranger, the locals aren't surprised. "She comes out because she wants everyone to know its her birthday and it's something she wants us to celebrate."
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12/07/41. Remember Pearl Harbor
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| (Albany Times Union) |
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Nearly 50% of students end up vomiting during the language department's "Bring your favorite dish to class day". No mas, por favor
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Researchers devise mathematical formula for procrastinators to work out their chances of overcoming their weakness. You would have gotten around to this... eventually. The science can wait until tomorrow
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| (some Yat) |
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If you're a famous New Orleans TV/radio sportscaster planning on murdering your wife, it's probably best not to leave a handwritten checklist for the deed in your FEMA trailer
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Is our geniuses gone?
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Virgin hitman pleads guilty for accepting cash & crack in exchange for shooting at the engineers of two commuter trains, neither of which was his target. This is why nobody makes crackhead hitman movies
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Hey kids, wanna get out of class AND not have to deal with your parents? Have I got a solution for you
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American chopper pilots in Afghanistan may have mistaken scores of sheep for Taliban fighters
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Photoshop this equation expert
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New Jersey communities begin charging drivers up to $2,500 for accident-related spill cleanup, and if you think that's a bit much you can take it up with Louie No-Nose from the state legislature's waste-haulage subcommittee
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Man:0, Wild:1
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| (Some Guy) |
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In the movies, one twin is always athletic and popular while the other one twin is geeky and shy. On Fark, both twins are psychotic arsonists
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| Sat December 06, 2008 |
| (Kenosa News) |
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The dumbest joke that you will probably ever read wins $3,000 grand prize from Reader's Digest
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Workers take over Chicago factory. Because company's creditor (bailout welfare whore Bank Of America) says not to pay them
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TV medical dramas cause people to avoid hospitals. HMO's lobby congress for more medical dramas on network television
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption this SNAFU
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| (XKCD) |
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Submitter's love life, nicely summarized in a 13-panel comic strip
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Once a week for one year, filmmaker ties camera around cat's neck to document its life. Out of the 20,000 photos taken, 73 were interesting
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It's December and so begins the flood of "polar bear plunge" stories. (With, for once, a nice looking woman in a bikini instead of a big fat guy in a speedo pic)
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Ways to greenify your holidays. Two words: reindeer stew
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| (Some Guy) |
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Good news: Texas A&M offers free tuition program for incoming freshmen. Bad news: you still have to live in College Station
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Football hooligans starting awfully young these days. An 8-year-old boy has already earned a lifetime ban from playing soccer locally because of his "aggressive behavior"
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Australian authorities may add third or even fourth gender as means of sexual identification. "Sheep shagger" still waiting for recognition
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Sunny von Bulow, 76, finally dies 28 years after getting a nasty little present from Claus
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Photoshop this La Paz putt
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| (Some Guy) |
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Max Planck Institute Journal focuses on China, asks reporter for "elegant Chinese poem" for cover. What they printed: ad for Chinese strip club
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Ugly-ass flying foxes rescued. (They really are kinda ugly)
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| (Evening Sun) |
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Man claims "he had permission from the FAA to test brakes" when he got busted doing donuts on an airport runway. As a matter of fact, yes, alcohol was involved
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To prove that the cops routinely lie and use illegal tactics to justify drug raids, Barry Cooper set up some fully legal grow lamps in his house. His lawyer and the cameras were waiting when the police barged in less than 24 hours later
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| (Some Guy) |
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If a guy on a lonely country road at midnight flashes his lights to get you to pull over, don't do it. If you pull off the road anyway, and he walks up to your car with his hoodie up and his face covered, you should probably drive off
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| (some fine police work, Lou) |
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Ohio police storm a farmhouse, hold a couple and their grandchildren at gunpoint for nine hours. Was it for (a) a drug operation (b) conspiracy for terrorism or (c) some licensing complaint about running a food co-op?
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Farmer grows 25-pound potato. "It's the first time I've seen anything like it." Slow news day (pic)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Drew's disembodied head fights unicorns on the Fark level of the strangest game ever created
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"London Bridge is falling down..." No, wait it's the Brandenburg Gate
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| (Tacoma News Tribune) |
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Tacoma police are looking for a bank robber who fired shots in the air. Describe him as a short man, wearing a hat, with a long red moustache
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| (Tacoma News Tribune) |
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Atheists place a sign near a nativity at the state Capitol, Bill O'Reilly goes nuts, theists steal the sign, an Elf shows up to pass out business cards, there's a festivus pole, and then things get weird
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| (radioactive) |
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♫ ♩ Well I'm not uptight ♪ ♫ Not unattracted ♪ Turn me on tonight ♬ ♪ Cause I'm radioactive.... Radioactive ♬
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Massive secret mustang junkyard found in Rhode Island forest
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"People know I'm blind and when they see me up a stepladder doing the lights. I can tell in their voices they're a little panicked" He should see the look on his guide dog's face
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Kansas City's Secret Santa has begun his rounds of health clinics and shelters passing out $100 bills. Bonus: this year he's franchised to St. Louis
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The good old days: when beating your wife because she served stale coffee was considered a solid advertising campaign
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This is really not a good time to prank-call the president of Pakistan and tell him India is going to attack. So just don't do it
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Obama ponders what to do with $30 million left over in his war chest. However, if he blows it all in just 30 days, he'll actually get $300 million
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Photoshop this podium scene
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Daschle asks Americans for health care stories. Well, there's this little pimply thing on the head of my... oh, wait, sorry, wrong story
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Saudi Arabians get outraged because Americans were hired to redesign Mecca. Which is surprising since they never seem to get outraged about anything, ever
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Charlie don't surf -- but maybe Achmed will when he gets a load of these biatchin' boards
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During robbery, gunman forces store manager to undress so he won't follow the suspect. Which is usually a clever tactic, but not when robbing a clothing store
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Should Atari ever bow to public pressure and release a new version of Paperboy, they should plan on adding "anti-terror police" to the obstacles you might face
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There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch
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Forget the cabinet picks. The Chosen One chooses his Inaugural tuxedo
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Our precious snowflakes need to be taken down a couple of notches and be told that they ain't all that
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Dear Santa, this year please bear in mind that I should be presumed innocent until proven guilty
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Wearing a Britney Spears schoolgirl outfit in public is no way to go through life, especially when you're a 59-year-old man. The Sun is there with "The goggles, they do nothing" pic
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Fluffy the cat spends three months lost in Yellowstone wilderness, is home in time for Caturday
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A pointy rock on the floor of a cave may suggest climate was the cause of the Roman Empire collapsing
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News: Man bleeds to death. Fark: From picking his nose too much
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Old & busted: black velvet Jesus. New hotness: black velvet Obama...nude and riding a unicorn
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The hospital crunch in Australia is so bad, men and women are sharing the same rooms. "I said to the nurse: 'Look, it's embarrassing.'"
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If you are in a locked prison cell, setting fire to it is probably not the smartest thing you can do
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Alien ships masked by clouds approach Mt. Rainer (pics)
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Photoshop this silhouette amidst circles
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Homeless guy arrested after telling Salvation Army volunteer "If you don't stop ringing that bell, I am going to shove it up your a--"
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Most conclusive evidence yet about how tough things are getting in America: sales of Spam are soaring
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Congress and White House reach agreement for $15 billion bailout for Big 3 automakers
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| Fri December 05, 2008 |
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Cheapest woman alive celebrates Christmas with an 80-year-old tree sadder than Charlie Brown's, bought at Woolworths for 3 old pence in 1929
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this near-pristine park scene
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White teacher binds two black students to teach the class about slavery. Jewish students seen changing classes before the Holocaust chapter
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Mailing a letter to your congressman can sometimes get you your way. But not if that letter threatens to decapitate him and is stained with blood
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Car maker unveils a vehicle powered by household garbage. However, it can only reach 88 mph
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Three million Muslims in Mecca for annual hajj, stampede
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TSG's Friday mugshot roundup: Bail me out
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Cops raid an elderly couple's home after mistaking the aroma of garden moss for marijuana. "Give us the weed man"
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The Guardian, always a bastion of hard-hitting journalism, pores over publicly available documents and thinks it has discovered President Bush's deep, dark secret: He can't swim. Their evidence? His new house doesn't have a pool
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| (Lincoln JournalStar) |
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If you live in Nebraska and can't remember buying a Canadian Lottery ticket, you should probably think twice about cashing that check for $4980... and then sending most of it to Houston to pay 'taxes'
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Interstate Bakeries cleared to exit bankruptcy - Will rise to the occasion, and make some dough. I thought they were toast. Twinkie
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Wife in the middle of a bitter divorce uses her husband's $1000 bottle of wine to make a spaghetti sauce. "I'd never seen Tony cry before."
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| (Radio Exile) |
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Official Timeline To Coldplay Ripping Everybody Off
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Bill O'Reilly to stop doing his radio talk show "The Radio Factor." When asked how he felt about leaving, he said he falafel
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Mug shot of the 19-y-o stripper arrested for assault after throwing shoe at woman who called her the "C-word"
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| (Some Drag Racer) |
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Bad: Thieves steal your Audi's wheels and leave it up on blocks. Worse: The city drags it to the impound lot, doing $20,000 worth of damage
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Woman divorces husband so she can afford life-saving cancer surgery, but must endure jokes about how she already got rid of a 200-pound tumor (pic)
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Headline of the Year contest gearing up - accepting nominations. See the post that is first
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Think your ancestors were taken and sold as slaves? Now you can look it up in the new Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade database. Really
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Government relaxes ban on concealed firearms in national parks as more and more Americans fear for the safety of their pic-a-nic baskets
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China successfully launches "hybrid" rocket. It was crossed with a poodle, which makes it a rocketdoodle
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| (Hampton Roads) |
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Three arraigned for attempted robbing of Civil War grave-or is this a mere smokescreen for Lincoln's pre-emptive illegal, immoral war against the sovereign states of the Confederacy?
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It's time for the annual "Whose the biggest assclown attention whore contest: Atheists or Theists?"
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Blogger spends a year doing everything Oprah told her. Now her life is perfect
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"Officer, I was just going undercover. I heard that that Sen. Craig was going to be here in this restroom and I just wanted a picture, honest"
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| (Bye-bye OJ) |
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Caption what OJ is thinking as he is sentenced to 6 years in prison
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Today's made up media word of the day concerning teen behavior - "sexting"
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2008 is the coolest year of the decade according to climate scientists. 2001 voted most uncool
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| (Some Guy) |
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College newspaper refuses to apologize for column suggesting if gay marriage were legalized, people would be marrying sheep next, even though they would
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Morbidly obese dog freezes to Wisconsin sidewalk, survives. Your dog wants propylene glycol
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you are reading this headline, the punishment is death
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Turns out that in Montgomery County, it is a crime to sell Christmas trees prior to Dec. 5. Meet the folks who found out the hard way
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Congressmen in favor of auto bailout found to have ties to GM. Romero on the scene
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| (Some Ho. Ho ho) |
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Remember yesterday's crappy Christmas UK theme park? Meet its soon-to-be-shut-down cousin
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The X Most Blankiest Somethings in the History of Whatever. Still no cure for Cracked lists
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| (Political Wire) |
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Obama speechwriter caught groping Hillary Clinton -- or at least a cardboard cut out of her
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| (Some Guy) |
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Conservative Republican upset because new $621 million capitol visitor center is a huge waste if taxpayer money. Just kidding: he's really upset because it doesn't mention God enough
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Photoshop Triple Play: Yoda, Yoga, and Yogi
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Managing editor of NRO calls for an end to divisive and intellectually dishonest opinion journalism. No, really. This isn't a joke
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Witness uses the "N" word and landmark tobacco case ends in mistrial. Dumbass tag would beat Florida tag to a pulp if it could stop coughing long enough
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| (Some Dog) |
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Apparently barking at the judge during your robbery/murder hearing no longer work in court. "I'm going to consider your bark as an acknowledgment that you understand what I just told you."
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If you are thinking of going crazy and living in a state nut hut, don't do it in Texas
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| (toptenz) |
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Top 10 useless college degrees. Subby's school got the honorable mention (link comes and goes; post with full list moved to top of thread)
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NY health officials: "Marijuana is holding you back." Public: "That's like, your personal opinion, man"
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Hey, man, I just killed this guy. Can you order me a pizza? Thanks"
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In case you didn't have enough reasons to avoid marriage, feel free to add "incurs the wrath of Poseidon" to your list
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Here's a thought if you're a centigenarian entertainer trying repair your soiled reputation in Europe maybe you should skip the reminiscing 'bout the good ol' days when you were Hitler's drinking buddy
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| (Q13 FOX News Seattle) |
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Atheist sign disappears from Capitol, turns up at local radio station. Nope, nothing suspicious there
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| (Reading Eagle) |
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Actual headline: "Wily coyote on the loose." Last seen launching out of giant slingshot
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US Attorney in Pittsburgh: "I don't care who's President. I appoint myself to the next term." Yes, she's the one who hired Monica Goodling. Why do you ask?
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Former running back to become former tight end
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The repeal of Prohibition provided the government with much-needed tax revenue during the Great Depression. If only there were other commodities that could be legalized and taxed similar to alcohol
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| (Some Topless Robot Guy) |
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The 10 most disturbing puppets ever shown on TV. Subby forgot all about #2 when he was a kid
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Today's Sign of God: Jesus Appears on Les Paul Electric Guitar. Opening Bid: $200
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Man was fined $500 and sentenced to 60 hours of community service for starting a $37 million fire that destroyed 30 homes
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Virgin Mary in Florida woman's brain scan. Actual brain nowhere to be found
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Stephen Colbert calls on audience to topple Kanye West's album from the top of the charts on ITunes. And whaddaya know, he did it
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| (comcast.net) |
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When you turn 26 years old, it's still not ok to attack a speed camera with a pick axe
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In a revelation that will surely shock everyone, bartender says Plaxico Burress was acting like a jerk before he shot himself. "Burress was an ass."
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DC estimates five million for Inauguration Day. That many people crowding the National Mall (146 acres) gives each person 1.27 sq. ft. to stand in -- just about the size of the length of your shoes. Nothing could possibly go wrong here
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Surprising and shocking everyone, a study commissioned by "Mayors Against Illegal Guns" just happens to conclude that states with lax gun laws have more gun violence
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Experts worry that German newspaper's 'Cheap cameras for amateur reporters' offer will threaten quality journalism. Because it takes years of training to lay in a gutter photographing Lindsay Lohan's crotch
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| (Some Guy) |
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EPA proposes tax on farting cows
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Bavaria: land of great beer and Krampus the Christmas demon who looks like Hellboy and scares bad children. Now THIS is how to celebrate Christmas. *throws horns up*
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Royal Agricultural College pays £6,000 compensation after students "rape" village, marking a change from livestock
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ABC to air reality show about the Department of Homeland Security. It will be an hour of paperwork, union-mandated breaks, and puzzled looks while illegals cross the border
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This article started out as the annual "underprivileged kid writes to Santa, gets his/her wish" story, but turns into a "the economy blows so Christmas is going to suck this year" story
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| (Some New Mexican) |
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Some Fark headlines write themselves: "Man accused of break-in, poking estranged wife's pies"
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Get off my lawn or I'll let you have it with my new prescription handgun
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Carcasses hanging from the ceiling, freezers full of meat, and piles of empty beer cartons. Just another day at this frat house
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Fire damages famous Hollywood strip club. Engines still responding from as far away as Maine
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"All of us were anxious to see Jesus. Big Butter Jesus, to be exact." Oleo Lord
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That de-icing chemical that airports use to prevent heavy ice from accumulating on airplane wings and causing crashes? Yeah, there's probably not enough of that in the country to get through winter. Happy flying
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Caroline Kennedy may take Hillary's Senate seat, pantsuits
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Argue with your cousin? check. While drinking? check. Attack him with a machete? check. Florida tag? check
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American man jailed after violating little-known British driving law, some nonsense about being on the left side of the road or something
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| (Some Guy) |
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St. Louis Alderman for a district with nine homicides in the past ten months formally advises his constituents to start packing heat
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Trashcan man can keep sliced up money he found. Heard muttering, "My life for glue"
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Mumbai attacks are giving US cities even more of an excuse to burn through money in an attempt to look like they're doing something to be "secure"
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Councilman trying to change law so Orioles fans can shout "O" during national anthem. Yeah, who cares about the drug and murder problem?
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The BBC is shocked, SHOCKED to discover that pupils are using proxy sites to bypass school filters: "if children are accessing harmful sites at school, then what are they doing at home in the privacy of their own bedrooms?"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today is not the Day of the Ninja. Nope. Not a ninja. Not me. Not today
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German man faps himself to death
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Illinois kid charged with playing 'pin the tail on your schoolmates'
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Texas bible-thumpers' heads asplode over high school musical production of "Rent"
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| (Some Puggle) |
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Photoshop this Merry Christmas family
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Air rage soars after airlines ban smoking but allow binge drinking. Who could have seen this coming?
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New atlas reveals how places got their names. Subby wants to visit Breast Hill Castle in the Great Land of the Tattooed
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75th Anniversary of the only US Amendment to be overturned by another. I'll drink to that
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Movie theater permits developmentally disabled children to talk back to the screen. They need one for adults, too
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Man shot dead in Grapevine, at least that's what I heard
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Justice Department assembles a crack team to prosecute Blackwater guards
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Today's Fark-ready billboard comes all the way from New Zealand
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Stripper throws shoe at another woman in shoe store for calling her the "c-word." Difficulty: Guess which c-word she used. (Voting enabled)
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The world's first zero star hotel has beds for just £6 in converted nuclear bunker
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"With disposable income scarce this year, giving practical gifts is in vogue. And what could be more useful than a tooth cleaning, or, say, a gynecologist's exam?"
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Guy stops car in middle of traffic to chase armadillo. Then things get ugly
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| Thu December 04, 2008 |
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The number one rule of transvestite midget fight club is you don't talk about transvestite midget fight club (pic)
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"Is short hair a signal that a woman is not interested in sex?"
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Lost Cloud City found in the Andes. Historians think it was built by Ugnaught slave laborers
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Teen banned from wearing a Christian chastity ring at school. "If people can wear head scarves, why can't I wear a ring?"
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| (Thing One) |
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Photoshop these, um... these, er... these, ah... things
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Even though it's good for a laugh in Three Stooges shorts, take it from this lady - turns out getting trapped in a foldaway bed can end badly
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Cruise ship hits iceberg, no this isn't a repeat from 1912
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If you rode a bus from El Paso, TX to Greeley, CO on August 9, health officials would like a word with you. Remember that coughing, feverish, sweaty guy next to you? Yeah, he had TB
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Insurance companies warn that 'manbags' are targets for muggers and guys should give them up and get a yambag instead
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For the second day in a row, a Cincinnati judge has sent someone to jail for farking cussing in court. Fark
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Conservative members of Episcopal Church try to beat off pro-gay faction, end up with schism on their hands
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Global shippers are calling for a blockade of the entire 2,400-mile-long Somali coastline. Good luck with that
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| (Radio Australia) |
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If you live down under, you may want to start taking the bus
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Not News: Teacher fired because of his disciplinary style. News: He made students who were late to class do push-ups. Fark: The school that fired him - Derby Moor Community Sports College
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Nanny state school moves childrens' Christmas festival to January because it 'clashes with Eid'
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Some Australians are taking their karaoke critiques a little too seriously. And by seriously we mean hurling molotov cocktails and improvised firebombs at poor performers
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| (Some Texter) |
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Man arranges to meet 15-year-old girl for sex :-( But the "girl" was a police officer. :-O Man claims he was entrapped by officer's use of emoticons in email. :- | Man now has to guard his (_|_)
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Today's female teacher accused of sex with student story brought to you by Howell, NJ. (with I'll be in my bunk pic)
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| (Some Confused Guy) |
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Artist who brought you last year's gingerbread Nazis unveils this year's legless Santa in a wheelchair being pushed down stairs by a crazed Christmas tree. Happy Holidays!(pic)
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| (WFAA.com) |
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Dallas' Preston Hollow mansionized house selectificated as Bush post-Presidential residentitude. As if living in Dallas didn't suck enough
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Public invited to watch 18th clown fall out of car
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Man discovers how to make a profit in this poor housing market by selling homes that don't belong to him
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Boris Gryzlov, a top Kremlin official, says Santa Claus is an imposter and an illegal alien. He urges Santa to get out of the business at once
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| (Some Future of Detroit) |
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That plug-in hybrid Chevy Volt the GM CEO drove to Capitol Hill? Spent most of the trip from Detroit on a flatbed
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Six gunmen shot by security guards at Delhi airport. TSA agents glower with envy, lube up next little old lady for generous cavity search
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Behind on your power bills but still planning on blinding neighbors with power-sucking Christmas lights? Thurmont, MD officials will be letting everyone know how much of a deadbeat you are
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He used hot Vaaaaaaaaaaaseline
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LBJ Library releases last of his recordings, includes an original a cappella and an amazing cover of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"
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| (kvue.com) |
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Bad idea: smoking pot with your toddler. Worse idea: giving pot to your toddler. Horrible idea: giving pot to your toddler and filming yourself doing it
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| (Stupid Videos) |
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Full Metal Jacket Rudolph (uncensored version, nsfw language)
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Pro tip: You may want to avoid hiring this guy's tattoo artist
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If you're going to invite a homeless ex-con to stay with you, you have to expect him to be rude. Especially when you drink your breakfast. But hey, go ahead and shoot him anyway, so we can enjoy your fabulous mug shot
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Obama bought the election, says guy that bought two elections
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Stephane Dion, who wants to run a country, can't even deliver his prerecorded speeches on time
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Spam emails up the ante: "I was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within 10 days. ... I might just spare your life, $8,000 is all you need to spend"
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If you're a wild pig in New Jersey, look out
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this slide assistant
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In Maryland, when the bridges become unstable and unfit to drive over, you better hope you don't live on the other side
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What's the latest air travel torture? That's right, it's karaoke. Everybody wing chung tonight
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Cambridge University students revealed to be a bunch of hard-drinking tail chasers. This is, apparently, a bad thing
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Female art students more sexually active than male science nerds: study
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Salvation Army leader to lose his job if he goes through with marriage to non-Salvation Army employee. One of us--ONE OF US
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Shocking results of new poll show that Prop. 8 supporters tended to be less educated, more religious
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12-year-old golf prodigy passes away after his lengthy battle with cancer, receives Golf Channel eulogy
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Kansas chosen as the site for a new biodefense facility despite repeated claims that prayer, intelligent design and protesting funerals are not proven to produce anthrax
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| (Some Guy) |
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Hi everybody, welcome to appendectomy 101...okay now we're just going to make a little incision in the...zZzzZz...eh? Oh, right a little...zZzzZz...And that's how you perform an arm amputation
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Turns out Chuck E. Cheese is as full of nasty bacteria and viruses as you'd expect a place that caters to masses of screaming snot machines to be
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Man faces criminal charges for posting negative stuff about his ex on Craigslist in Colorado. The First Amendment cries a little more each day
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| (Some Guy) |
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Federal judge orders that if you have ever paid a red light camera ticket in Texas, you will be getting your money back. Or at least a picture of it
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Canada's Governor General suspends Parliament in anticipation of post-Christmas sales of sweatervest
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Free Plaxico Burress. NYC's gun laws are ridiculous and unconstitutional
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He had a golden nose, a pet dwarf, and made sure his moose was always drunk. Tycho Brahe: Living every Farker's dream lifestyle since 1546
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News: Father sues school district for teaching religion in school. Fark: Teaching consisted of a scene from "Evan Almighty" to help teach kids animal noises
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Burglar arrested after police somehow found the criminal mastermind inside his victim's Rubbermaid container
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Europe's Human Rights Court to Nanny State: Stop being a douchenozzle
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If you are going to call in sick to work, it's probably not a good idea to rob the place later in the day. Just sayin'
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Old News: Police arrest and charge Balfour in Hudson murders. News: Cannot prove connection to murder weapon with forensics. Fark: Only actual evidence is testimony of his junkie ex-girlfriend claiming he told her he did it
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Female karate instructor charged with helping student earn luckiest boy in the world award
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| (Some Guy) |
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Now we know where the missing bees have been hiding: Bees save house from fire
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| (Some Guy) |
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Boston Red Sox fan convicted of battery for beating up a fan in Angel stadium who bopped him on the head with a balloon 'thunderstick' while chanting "Boston sucks." Faces three years of PMITA inflatable thundersticks
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1) Arrest terrorist, 2) give terrorist light sentence in exchange for cooperation, 3) spend years interrogating and isolating terrorist to the point where he can no longer cooperate, 4) increase sentence because he is no longer cooperative
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| (Lohud.com) |
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Burger joint opens on site of legendary adult bookstore. Don't even ask about the special sauce
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Surprisingly, "actresses tricked into auditioning for a porn film" is not actually the plot of a porn film
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Emperor Harper to disband the Senate until the crisis has passed
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| (Some Trucker) |
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Free bacon on I-94 in Maple Grove heading towards Minneapolis
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A guide to determining if you've got the grit, the gumption, the stones to weather an economic downturn. Although, if you're reading it on USA Today, the answer's probably pre-determined
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"So do you fancy a drink?" "I don't know... let me just check your blood type"
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"Please officer, my wife is in labor." "That's no excuse to use the breakdown lane in bumper to bumper traffic. But I will mail you this $100 ticket"
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Ice cream truck driver shot. Cops still unwrapping every clue
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| (Some Guy) |
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Illinois egg donor agencies offer country's first guarantee. Kind of a double-your-chromosomes-back sort of deal
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Randy redhead gets three female companions pregnant at the same time, w/smugshot
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| (Some Guy) |
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Drunk driving woman pulls over and punches a man checking his tire pressure on the side of the road because she thought he was a drug dealer (w/ "would you hit it?" mugshot)
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Photoshop this officer of the peace and quiet
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Man accused of assaulting his girlfriend multiple times with a McDonald's cheeseburger. I hope he fries
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How the 2008 election saw the prying open of many cold, dead hands
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Some are not amused about an al-Qaeda terrorist Lego-man complete with a rocket launcher, assault rifle and grenades
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On the run from your debts? You can still enlist in the French Foreign Legion
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Super ants to invade UK gardens. EVERYBODY PICNIC
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Pro tip: Going on television and admitting to killing 110 children you believed were full of evil spirits will have a NEGATIVE effect on your witchdoctor business
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Indian Police to use "truth serum" on Mumbai Terrorist - US offers advice on Waterboard Serum, Naked Pyramid Serum, and "Oh, your big snappy dog just ate my balls" Serum
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| (Some site) |
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Tens of thousands of inmates may soon be released from California prisons due to...... *spins the wheel*...... inadequate medical care
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 187: "Pinhole Camera" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed December 03, 2008 |
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Annoying college kids protest a beauty contest. "One of the things was that the contestants had to have their waists and breasts measured. I come from quite a rural area and that's what they do to animals"
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If you've lost your two camels, the Juarez City Policia would like to talk to you
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Photoshop these birds of a feather
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| (Some Guy) |
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Cops always laugh at stupid teens who take pics of themselves with guns and drugs. Farkers always laugh at stupid cops who take pictures of themselves with topless teens. Not safe for work slideshow
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Authorities enter foreclosed home to find a man, his mother's skeleton, 26 cats, 3 opossums, and a raccoon. The Aristocrats
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This is why you always get the new kid to clear the paper jam in the printer
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Rising costs could eventually put college "out of reach for most Americans" unless they win caddy scholarship
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Bizarre medical conditions like 'Eyes Clamped Shut' continue to baffle doctors. Still no cure for 'Mouth Stuck Open' girl
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And now the award for 'Attempt at inspiring headline gone most face-palmingly wrong'
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Burger King goes to poorest parts of the world and conduct taste tests to "watch burger virgins take the first bite." Turns out, most impoverished villagers recoiled in disgust and horror
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Man reunited with class ring after 21 years of safe keeping by a largemouth bass. Man immediately stuffs ring into dresser drawer, never to look at it again
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Phillip Morris is still arguing that just because you smoke every day and can't quit doesn't mean you're addicted to tobacco
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US giving Mexico nearly $200 million in anti-drug funds. Thank goodness there's no rampant corruption there to worry about or that might be a bad idea
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A credit union employee is handed coins covered in mysterious white powder. Does he: a) run away screaming; b) calmly back away and call authorities; c) lick the powder off?
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| (KTAR) |
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Today's reason for why your child is going to die this Holiday season..."Accidental Poisoning". Be sure to tune in tomorrow for the "Electrocution" article
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Another sign of the bad economy: Divorced couples living together. On the plus side, this sounds like the plot of a bad 70's sitcom with Larry Hagman and Dick Gautier
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The wreath...The wreath...The wreath is on fire
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| (WOODTV) |
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School district replaces "F" grades with "H". Must stand for "heckuva job, student"
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Not News: DOT closes Interstate and redirects traffic during construction. Nevada Fark News: Traffic will be redirected into a casino parking lot
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Santa Claus' Gmail Account Exposed, Shows Subscription to Elfbang.com, George W. Bush Wishlist, Correspondence With Satan
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"Che" biopic trailer is up, starring Benicio Del Toro. A new generation is set to learn that he was Castro's right hand man and a filthy commie war criminal. No word if the last scene is him begging like a dog for his life
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Glasgow music fest kicks off this week with Human League, Heaven 17 and ABC. Rick Astley, Erasure, Talk Talk, BlancMange, The Vapors and Glass Tiger are feeling terribly left out and wish they could perform their one good song too
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Lousiana wins title of Unhealthiest State, may change name to Lardassiana
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Cleveland television meterologist thinks global warming is a fraud. That settles it, then
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Family of the man crushed to death in a stampede at Wal-Mart decide nothing can help their grief more than suing anyone and everyone they can
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In a stunning reversal, UAW president says they may agree to having some of their members not be paid for doing absolutely nothing
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| (Bradenton Herald) |
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If you are trying to get out of a DUI manslaughter arrest, giggling during your field sobriety test is not the best strategy
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| (Fire Dog Lake) |
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George Bush blames the economic turmoil on decisions that were made "a decade or so before I arrived." That would be 1990, in the middle of the other failed Bush presidency
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Titusville man gets four years for sexually assaulting dog. He thanks the judge, but says he really only needs 20 minutes, tops
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More effective weapon: samurai sword or a bottle of sherry? What if these are the worst samurais ever and the guy wielding the sherry is a 68-year-old hardcore postal worker?
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Jack Black is Jesus Christ. Was there ever any doubt?
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Newborn baby found abandoned in the manger of a church Nativity scene. Jesus Christ
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If you're missing a thong or Boulder High School cheerleaders outfit, police want to talk to you about the guy they arrested named Cox
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| (News Net 5, GO) |
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Ohio police find skull, unlock achievement
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"Chrysler exec: failure could spark depression." In other news, Philip Morris warns quitting smoking now greatly reduces your chance of looking cool
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Remember the pizza delivery man-turned-robber with bomb locked to his neck? One convicted, while female mastermind awaits sanity decision
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Pizzeria trying, to make some doe, butchers deer. Health dept. says "What the buck?"
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DC wants Obama to use Taxation Without Representation license plates, Keep Off My Ass bumper sticker, on presidential limo
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Six people arrested for smuggling ivory, now facing up to 99.44 years in prison
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A top 10 list of Fark submissions that weren't greenlit
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Harvard's endowment loses $8 Billion, if only there was some sort of Business School they could go to
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Have a hankering to see the Rudolph or Frosty TV special you loved from the past while curled up on the couch with a hot cup of Bosco? Here's the schedule for December
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| (Some Guy) |
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Mobile, AL is already making plans to ring in the new year by eating the worlds largest Moon Pie
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Wacky Middle-Easterners think Israel was responsible for 9/11, Saudi Arabia will bail out the U.S. economy in exchange for a U.S invasion of Iran, and - get this - Obama is a secret Muslim
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GM and Chrysler warn: 'There's no plan-b.' Well, perhaps they should have used a condom
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Even Bible thumpers think we should get rid of "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. "Under God" was response to godless Communists. What of "godly" terrorists?
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| (Daily News-Record) |
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Chick gets laid for the first time at age 34 and the whole town is in an uproar because it was in the back of a car
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Knut, the uglyass white polar bear cub who garnered international attention, is now a grubby brown colour and no longer draws the crowds. Zoo hopes to move him since he is too large to flush down the toilet
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1st person to make FBI's Ten Most Wanted list twice dies of old age
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Stephen Harper to address the nation tonight. Drinking game words include: "unpatriotic", "power grab", "anti-democratic", "legitimate", "sweatervest"
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US Customs Service to use Predator drones to patrol border between US and Canada in effort to reduce smuggling of poutine, backbacon, Celine Dion-wannabes
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these men with a lot on the line
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Daring nanny saves 2-year-old from Mumbai tragedy. Something in subby's eye prevents him from seeing the Fran Drescher joke
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World's oldest living animal discovered after he is pictured in 1900 photograph wearing an onion on his belt
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Critter you neither heard of nor even seen a picture of is the first mammal extinction from global warming
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Hiring 700,000 2010 Census takers who will earn $13 to $17 an hour. In a preview of government jobs plan, interview room fills to capacity, dozens are turned away as room fills even before scheduled start time
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Facebook disables Lindsay Lohan's account. Thankfully, her Fark account is still secure
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Russia's "Up Yours, America" tour continues as Russian warship crosses Panama Canal for first time since WWII
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Police: Mussmacher found as methmaker because of markmaker
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Man who drove through a drive-thru McDonalds restaurant at 60mph seriously expects to get his driving licence back
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It's time for this year's "NORAD gearing up to track Santa" article
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Man spends $50,000 making his house look like Las Vegas on acid
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NY cops reveal their newest 'bait' car to catch auto thieves: 'The Master'
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Dear Abby: My husband took my 13 year old son to a restaurant with scantily clad waitresses. My vagina is sandy over it. What should I do?
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