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| Sun October 07, 2007 |
| (Some Dollar Bill) |
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Ovulating strippers get better tips. Here comes the science
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The real Charles Schultz: Crabbier than Lucy, more competitive than Peppermint Patty, and far more bitter than Charlie Brown
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Gang break into Paris art museum, nothing stolen but they left an impression on a Monet
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What do you get when you cross a sickle, a brick, and a push lawnmower? One heck of a birthday party
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E·piph·a·ny n. - 1. A an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure. - 'The new owner of EMI had an epiphany and realized that recorded music industry needs to embrace digital or die.'
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| (WAOI .com) |
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After years of Fark headlines telling her what dogs want, to stay off lawns, and complaining there's still no cure for cancer, teen does all three at once and invents cure for dog cancer
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Police launch frantic air and sea search for missing boater whose wrecked vessel washed ashore, locate him several hours later. At his mom's house. Drunk. Lying on the sofa
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Crazed shirtless man barges into BBQ restaurant kitchen, grabs several long knives, goes back out into street, knocks down elderly woman with running tackle and stabs her, gets shot by cop at point-blank range. Ta-daa
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| (Pensacola News Journal) |
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Barktoberfest. Doggy Halloween. I Shih Tzu not
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| (Some Guy) |
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Actual headline: "MILF cautions against 'witch-hunting.'"
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Chicago marathon cancelled with one death and 302 hospitalized
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17-year-old student arrested for possessing a copy of the "Anarchists' Cookbook"
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Man faces 30 yrs to life for stealing a 52 cent doughnut
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Stinky feet led to Houston man's fatal stabbing
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From the maker of such hits as "The Air is Safe at Ground Zero" and "Pay No Attention to Those Dead Fish," the EPA brings you "Methyl Iodide: It Won't Cause Cancer, Really"
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10-year-old boy leads police on a 44 mile long chase at about 25 mph in a stolen school bus. Sandra Bullock unavailable for comment
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| (Wausau Daily Herald) |
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Hmoob lubneej tseem tswj cov raug tsimtxom
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| (WTMJ) |
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At least six people dead in Wisconsin, cop may be the killer
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♫ Greeeeen Acres is the place to be / Farm calendar for charity / Shows naked farmers and their wives / Keep the parents, just show me their daughters' hides ♫
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| (Some Burning Man) |
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Photoshop the Big Rig Jig
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Nigeria initially denies Bill Gates' application for a visa stating that he had to prove that he would not reside in Nigeria indefinitely, causing a strain on social services and a general nuisance for immigration
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Bush fondly remembers times as Texas Governor, attempts to halt execution. Wait, what?
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Photoshop this baby lemur
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All those walruses washed up on the Alaskan shore due to melting sea ice... nope, nothing to worry about, no global warming, just a liberal attack on science, move along
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Elderly Southern man fights to continue honor of Confederate flag, which draped his grandfather's coffin (w/ somewhat surprising pic)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this man and his puppet
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Baltimore's near-record streak of days without a murder shot down at 7
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| (KPRC) |
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Middle school students caught having sex in middle of occupied classroom. Film at 11
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| (Some Tfette) |
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Caption these excited freaks
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| (Some Sad Submitter) |
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The most powerful image you will see today
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| (Subby's fave) |
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Which TV family's home had the best layout?
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| (God Calling) |
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Scandal at Oral Roberts University includes private jets, luxury cars, and the dean's wife texting "underage males" asking if they want to show her their cucumber
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| (Some Guy) |
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When being arrested, giving the officer a "Wet Willie" isn't going to help matters
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Ohio couple marries in lawn & garden section at Wal-Mart. Their first date was in the furniture department. The couple have plans for a week long honeymoon at Sam's Club
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An enterprising young chap conned the British Royal Navy into subsidising his "football club" which then proceeded to go on a 2 week orgy involving booze and young girls. Nicely done, guvnah
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| Sat October 06, 2007 |
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Zimbabwe is running out of food, so the government takes swift action by prosecuting 10 white farmers for growing crops on their land
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U.S. troops "being force-fed Christianity." Suck it, atheists
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Tobacco industry accused of "stealth marketing" smooth, sweet cigarettes (that make you 40% cooler to the opposite sex) on social networking websites
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"Police arrest 83 people after protesters poured a bucket filled with fake blood and dismembered baby dolls onto the street." Just another Columbus Day parade in Denver
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| (Montgomery Advertiser) |
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I'll take Embarrassing Autopsy Reports for $1000, Alex
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Ugly-ass baby dolphin calved in Rimini, Italy. With great, cute-ass pics
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Disco ball falls on woman's head. Victim: "I will survive", hopes lawsuit-larity will help to turn the beat around
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Rhode Island's cunning plan to treat 17 year olds as adults in the court system is actually costing more, confusing the court system, and sending kids who would have been sent home before off to be fresh fish for the night in PMITA prison
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As there is apparently no news left in the world. TIME magazine features a story about the amazingly modern notion of men being able to change diapers, do laundry
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US Judge orders Iran to pay $2.65B to families of 83 Beirut bombing. Ahmadinejad pauses from searching for homosexuals to comment, "Good luck collecting. Suck it world"
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Scientists, with obviously nothing better to do, have come up with a new currency designed to be used by inter-planetary travellers
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Man ends 13 year journey around the world using only the power of the human body. FTA:"The 16-leg journey included hiking, kayaking, mountain biking and hiking."
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| (NewsMessenger) |
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Family knows how to party for Halloween: "...they'd see as many as 50 children standing in a heavy fog drinking blood, eating bugs and wandering around a picnic table covered with pickle jars filled with real cow organs."
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these girls jumping on their bed
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Judge blocks required background checks of scientists at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. It's almost as if these rocket scientists had something to hide
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| (Sentinel and Enterprise) |
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School invites parents to wine tasting. Or as they say in Massachusetts, school attempts to turn innocent children into drug addicts
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Youths of unspecified religious affiliation attack police and riot in France
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Museum's best-selling T-shirt, featuring native Americans, is removed from shelves after one namby-pamby complains
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| (kfor.com) |
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Miss America Lauren Nelson, who advocates safe online surfing, introduces kid safe browser
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| (What Car?) |
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Man bills £4000 to insurance after gay peacock "sexually attacks" his employee's Lexus, advises other employees not to bring their sexy blue cars into the estate
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| (Bloomberg) |
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CIA certifies that Pervez Musharaf has won a majority of votes in Pakistani presidential election
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What's the next car company the UAW is bound and determind to take down with them? If you picked Chrysler, you win the office pool
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If you see Alberto the møøse, Calgary Zoo would like him back before the impending start of møøse hunting season
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War? Old news. Lying cheating politicians? Snore. Strike at the bacon factory? STOP THE PRESSES
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Three-year-old survives eleven days in Amazon jungle. Rumored to have been aided by panther and goofy singing bear
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"We got more information out of a German general with a game of chess or Ping-Pong than they do today, with their torture"
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There are a lot of dumb judges out there, but this one is so bad the upper court sent him back to judicial school
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| (AutoExpress) |
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Having solved all other crimes, UK initiates crackdown on license plates that use the Comic Sans font
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| (Some Cat Lover) |
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To help with your lolcat creation, here's a handy tree chart. Oh, and for this Caturday, voting has been enabled
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77-year-old psychic, wanted for fraud, uses her amazing powers to evade capture by police. Just kidding, they found her hiding under a blanket in a closet
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Emus, sloths, and squirrel monkeys now classed as "household pets" in Britain, but you're still gonna need a license for your pack of dingos
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Only survivor from Congo air crash that's killed 51 is the mechanic
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Photoshop this robot and girl
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Replica of the Wright Brothers plane crashes during historical demonstration. You're not doing it Wright
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This green light is "of enormous importance for the whole country," according to the prime minister of Britain, submitter
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Criminal charges mysteriously dismissed after man does 50 push-ups in court
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Not news: DUI. News: At 237 km/h blowing red lights in the city. Fark Father of the Year Nomination: With baby daughter on board
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A skunk with a jar stuck on its head wanders into a police parking lot. Then it gets weird
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Surely there's more to report about than the street lights going off everytime a woman boils a kettle? And yes, proper street lights
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| (KING5) |
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TV station is shocked, SHOCKED to learn that insurance companies really don't want to pay out claims
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Condoleezza Rice announces that dozens of federal agents will be sent to monitor the 20,000+ kill-happy Blackwater mercenaries in Iraq
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| (WVLT) |
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School administrators defend teacher's right to post her half-nekkid pics on the web
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Man arrethted for theft afther cutting hith own tongue out
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The average woman absorbs two kilograms of chemicals a year from cosmetics. How it gets from upper cheeks to lower remains a mystery
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| (wvgazette.com) |
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Vote on West Virginia's state slogan. "What happens in your cousin, stays in your cousin" still not eligible
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Ten places where not to find a date. Clearly the author doesn't know about Fark on a Friday night
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After his best friend died at Columbine, Luke Milam vowed to go into the Navy, become a hospital corpsman and prepare himself so he would be ready to save lives under fire. And that's what he died doing
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Man goes to police station to pay traffic tickets, is mistaken for another with same name, gets jailed for 37 days. How fast can you spell L-A-W-S-U-I-T?
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"Sibu the orang-utan has miffed his Dutch keepers by refusing to mate with females and showing sexual interest only in tattooed human blondes."
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Thousands of Italian men to be offered cash by the government to get them to move out of their mom's basements. Your mom is intrigued by this idea, would like you to get off the computer so she can subscribe to their newsletter
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| (wwmt) |
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Bad: being fired. Worse: for taking too much time off work. Farked up: becaue your 2 year old daughter is getting cancer treatments
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| Fri October 05, 2007 |
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Sorry, New Yorkers, but charging $1000 for your pizza still doesn't make it better than Chicago's pizza
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this bus station
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| (Some Guy) |
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DEA actually returns $23K in cash wrongly seized. Fark needs a "shocking" tag
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| (FP Passport) |
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Jakarta officials use a steamroller to crush 35,065 bottles of booze seized during Ramadan. And there was a great distrubance in the force
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Today's police call involving 27 poisonous snakes, guns, a plumber and his alligator brought to you by El Cajon, California. A guy could have a fun weekend in Vegas with all that
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Weather forecasters predict a warm winter. Time to stock up on long johns and wool socks
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| (WWL-TV) |
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11-year-old has "need for speed," tops 100mph in chase with Louisiana State Police. Someone is losing TV privileges for at least a week
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A scandal of biblical proportions is brewing at Oral Roberts University
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If at first you don't succeed -- try, try again
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| (NBC5i) |
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Mother says Wal-Mart Halloween display has given her precious snowflakes bad dreams. Nightmare-inducing pic included
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Wal-Mart getting sued by Down's syndrome man with irritable bowel syndrome. There's a joke there somewhere, but Subby is trying to avoid going to hell
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Bungie unassimilated. Master Chief unavailable for comment
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Jury awards woman $6.1 million for choosing to engage in role-playing and sexual activities at work
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Duke lacrosse players file lawsuit against everyone involved in rape case. Duke su... er... maybe not
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| (WLTX) |
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Parents complain to school board after their 17-year-old son was elected homecoming queen. Bonus: He ran for the position
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Investigative journalism at its finest: Inside Ladies' Night. Giggity
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| (Florida Today) |
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Southwest Airlines will not be happy until all its passengers are flying in burkhas
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Alaskan tourism industry hoping new movie about a clueless young man who died of starvation in the wilderness will boost tourism to the state
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"Proof" that NASA knows about the alien base on the Moon and airbrushed the pictures
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| (Some Guy) |
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A man walked into a bank, needin' a fresh load of crank. So a note he did flash, and fled with the cash, the cops are drawing a blank
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Hollywood's most annoying couples: "It's a classic boy-meets-girl story: Boy's movie career is flagging. Girl signs a contract to remain in relationship with boy. Boy and girl get married by aliens" (Sponsored link)
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| (News4Jax) |
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Why Fark has a Florida tag: mom picks up son at school bus stop, then threatens other 6th graders with gun yelling, "You can all get some of this."
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop Challenge Extreme: Complete this Da Vinci sketch
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Media report on missing pregnant woman who is not white
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| (Orange County Register) |
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Prosposed bill would prevent newly recognized indian tribes from building casinos for 25 years. So what are they expected to do until then, drink?
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U.S. marshals pose as supporters and then arrest convicted tax evaders holed up in home for nearly a year. Awkward
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Dark-haired couple decide to end joshing from friends by taking a DNA test to prove their fair-haired angel is theirs. Turns out their friends were right
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Prince Harry celebrated for bravely NOT going to war in Iraq
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Researchers seek out the 8% of unmarried Americans who have kids to discover that 61% of them think it's okay for other unmarried folks to have kids. It's not news, it's Yahoo News
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| (Post Gazette) |
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Woman sues Kmart over $.28 tax she was charged on a pack of toilet paper. Fails to realize that even if she wins, Kmart has no money to pay her back
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Today's airport evacuation brought to you by cremains and the city of Indianapolis
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A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent, and lead poisoned
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Eight 12- and 13-year-old boys charged with sexual assault of girls: "It's kids playing basketball. People touch people - it's not that they were groping the vagina or breasts or nothing."
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| (Some Gal) |
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First grade teacher arrested for showing up to school drunk, as if there's any other way to handle being around dozens of screaming hairless monkeys day in and day out
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A burglar who stole more than £150,000 worth of nickel and copper was caught when his getaway truck's suspension collapsed under the weight of his haul
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Woman told that she has to remove her bra before she can go to court
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| (The Local) |
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Swedish tech guy demands equal rights after nightclub tells him that go-go cages are for women only. How can we ever achieve full gender equality if men are kept out of the cages?
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Here's why you won't be able to save your child from a Chinese toy death this Christmas
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Amazon group bans logging and mining, continues to allow Super Saver shipping
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| (Some Guy) |
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Drew will be on Opie and Anthony XM 202 at 9am
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Try our new energy bar before your next workout. You can really taste the buffalo meat and cranberries
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Hillary Clinton promises a science-friendly White House. And we know Bill enjoys the field of DNA forensics
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Police shoot and kill a gunman who shot five people in a Louisiana law office, remind the public that lawyer season doesn't open for another three weeks
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Art teacher gets caught painting with his butt while wearing a Groucho Marx mask. What he was doing with a Groucho mask on his ass, we'll never know
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| (Some Tfette) |
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Photoshop this piggy-back ride
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| (Some Guy) |
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Drew will be on Q104.3 New York City starting around 7:40am. Podcast available all day
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| (Irish Independent) |
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The Vatican has pledged to clean up Italian football after buying its own club. Wait, what?
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Residents of gay retirement home fear there are too many straight people moving into their area, and that is NOT fabulous (pic)
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| (WMUR) |
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Not news: Man grows marijuana plants. News: Gets busted by undercover state troopers. Fark: Alongside of I-89 in New Hampshire while watering said plants
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| (Some Big Toe) |
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News: Assistant principal has inappropriate contact with student. Fark: By sucking his big toe in exchange for good grades, money and hall passes
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Britain's first extinction of the new millennia likely to be a beetle that was only discovered two years ago. Been nice knowing you, mate
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British people are stressed out and whiny and feel that living in the UK is tougher than an overcooked banger
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| (Some Hobo) |
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Give some physical graffiti to this box car. Special details in first post
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The Church of England does not want you to dress like a whore or a monster this Halloween
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Japanese policeman shot in butt with own gun while battling porn vending machine bandits
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Man shoots himself seven times with a nail gun in attempt to defraud worker's compensation. The Sun is there with the X-rays
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Vatican set to reveal 700-year-old secret Knights Templar papers. Gentlemen, pull your tinfoil hats down to the takeoff position
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A confused moose thinks he's a cow. Will Rocky find him before he's shipped to the stockyard? Don't miss our next episode: "Milk of Amnesia" or "It's not just an udder day"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Brits in the US compare ban on clotted cream to the London Blitz. How did we win WWII again?
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Floyd the barber gives Mayberry city council meeting a piece of his mind... literally
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British railroads getting desperate to explain delays to passengers. They're now testing out "OMFG, there's a llama on the tracks"
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Nature-lovers with more money than brain cells go to Chernobyl to swim, fish, and forage for berries
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| (ScienceDaily) |
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Study finds working during adolescence increases risk of smoking, working with adolescents increases risk of drinking
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Politician putting together program that would pay kids hourly wage to stay in school and get good grades
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Remember bird flu? Remember how it's supposed to mutate to infect humans? It has. EVERYBODY PANIC
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| (Doh!) |
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Woman arrested for having a stolen doughnut in the back of her pants
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| (Some Guy) |
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Some beer thieves are content with running away with a 12-pack from 7-11. This guy had bigger dreams
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"Americans Against Hate" plans to protest Muslim Family Day at Six Flags
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Doctors call on smokers "to be treated the same as heroin addicts"
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| Thu October 04, 2007 |
| (Some Guy) |
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Woman finds two years of her salary in the middle of the street. What does she do? Tag says it all
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It's official - slain pregnant woman in Deerfield, IL was girlfriend of '85 Bears Super Bowl team member Shaun Gayle
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The IgNobel Prizes are out, and if you got vanilla scent out of cow pies, congratulations are in order. The "gay bomb" creators, well, you guys have issues... just saying
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Solar telescope lands on Texas farm. Yeah, that's it. A solar telescope. Move along, citizen (w/pic)
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| (Student Press Law Center) |
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Georgia high school publishes gay-bashing article with zingers like: "homosexuality is a medical disorder as much as Down's syndrome"
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| (Earth Times) |
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Two teens get suspended from school for wearing anti drunk driving t-shirts
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Drew's book "does more to advance the journalistic art" than a bunch of think tanks you've never heard of, writes amazed journalist
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this smiling puffer fish
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| (KNBC-4) |
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L.A. County Sheriff lifts policing tactics from "Reno 911" by holding contest to see which deputy could make the most arrests in a single shift
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Being a parent is now sufficient grounds for being suspected of drunken, drug-abusing child-farking criminal behavior
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| (Some Ra Worshipper) |
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"How come nobody worries about the sun going out?" Bonus: Fark mention
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Jury finds for the recording industry in the first RIAA case to go to trial. Awards plantiffs $222,000. Suck it downloaders
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Judge tells Atlanta school districts that they may add duct tape to their existing methods of controlling unruly students
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| (Charleston Daily Mail) |
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After lockdown and K-9 search fails to turn up gun, boy still charged with bringing one to school because... uh... he must have done it if some other student said he did
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"Woman declines $100 offer over can of beans containing rodent head"
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♪ Hold tight, what's that supreme court justice doing? ♪ Hold tight, with that gas and matches? ♪ There's got to be a way to avoid foreclosure ♪ Burning down the house ♪
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| (Some Guy) |
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There's a church, a man with a sword, and it's in Florida. What else do you need?
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When you've been struck by lightning at a performance, needed surgery after a unicycle accident, temporarily blinded yourself with clown makeup, and suffered a hernia from a trick, maybe you're not cut out to be a magician
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| (rense.com) |
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Tinfoil hat blogger predicts that "soon you'll have to ask permission before you fly"... and he may just be right
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"Radioactive Boy Scout" arrested for stealing smoke detectors whilst trying to construct a homemade nuclear reactor in his toolshed
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| (WBBM 780) |
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Pregnant woman shot to death in affluent Chicago suburb, neighboring middle school evacuated. Suspect - described as "a athletic looking, very handsome male" - still at large (updated link)
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| (Some Guy) |
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The top ten rudest workplace behaviors. Here's looking at you, smokers, cell phone users, and litterers
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Border patrol agents to get new air guns that shoot pepper balls at illegal Mexican immigrants. Not sure whether that's to deter them or spice the burrito they brought for lunch
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| (WTNH) |
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News: Loose moose back on noose. Fark: Vehicle abuse the excuse for lethal force use
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Minnesota judge tells Senator Larry Craig (R-eally Really Not Gay) that he cannot change his stance
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Which country has the most contented citizens? That would be the one whose citizens contentedly keep sneaking over the border to the not-so-contented country to their north
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Apparently, the Italian police seem to think every grey-haired male American tourist is "Superkiller Americano"
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Newspaper photographer captures pics of fugitive jumping from 3rd story window, then captures the fugitive. J. Jonah Jameson is unimpressed
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How NOT to handle your first date with a porn star (possibly NSFW)
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The Dog of Peace™ strikes again
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| (NY Times) |
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Old & busted: Student's grade suffers for not doing his or her assigned homework. New hotness: Student's grade suffers because parents didn't do "their" assigned homework. Wait? What?
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| (NYTimes) |
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Today in History: Beep Beep Beep Beep Beeeeep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beeeeep. EVERYBODY PANICKED
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| (Some Congress) |
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US national debt ceiling quietly raised to $9.8 trillion (9.7 trillion Canadian)
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Random dude appoints himself Mayor of Atlantic City after current Mayor goes missing
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Who hasn't wished they had tourettes when they were 10?
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| (Duluth News Trib) |
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In the first file-sharing case to go to trial, the RIAA is seeking up to $3.6 million from a woman who says she never shared any of the 24 songs in question
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Sixteen million dollars seized in Nigerian fraud investigation. Wait, the money was real?
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| (Florida Today) |
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Florida city considering a ban on anything made in China. Yeah, that'll wok
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Gift Rage - its like car rage only stranger
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You get a C in class. Do you A) work harder B) complain to friends C) file a 15-count federal lawsuit, claiming the university violated your civil rights, contractual rights, and intentionally inflicted emotional distress?
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Union gets court order barring TV station from reporting that two dead firefighters praised as heroes were actually drunk and on drugs when they died. The Boston Globe, which is not a TV station, is there
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Stone Mountain, Georgia stops making snow after public outrage
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When a rape suspect shows up at jail to turn himself in, should the jail: A) Take him into custody B) Ask him to stay while they wait for police or C) Tell him to go away because he doesn't have his ID with him
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If you've been arrested in the US don't expect to be welcome in Canada regardless of the offense
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Begun the Holiday Wars have. First, the liberal haters attacked Christmas. In retaliation, Halloween has been renamed Fall Festival
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| (Some Guy) |
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Drunk, cranked up, driving 115 mph, throwing beer cans, driving without a license, flipping off cops and getting tazed is no way to go through life, son
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The good news: more than 1700 miners have been rescued from the collapsed mine in South Africa. The bad news: there are about 1,500 still trapped
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For the second year running, world travellers vote London's public transport the best in the world. Speaking as a Londoner, subby asks "what the hell are you people smoking?"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this state-of-the-art dental chair
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| (K 2) |
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Craigslist Reverend performs marriage ceremony then takes gift cards meant for newlyweds, 'mistaking' them for a tip. With an "Oh Lord my eyes" mugshot and an "I'd hit it" pic of the bride
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Kraft recalls white chocolate, and not fondly, after buyers report that it gave them a case of the Hershey Squirts
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Actual headline: Mr. Potato Head in Australia ecstasy bust (with pic)
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There was trouble, however, when the sherry hit the anus
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Armed homeowner to burglar: "you're a dead man"
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Leapfrogging mayor injures woman dressed as tomato... uh, really
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Drunk man tried to recreate the boat-jumping bridge stunt from the movie "Live and Let Die", and well, he got the last part right
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Man gets criminal record for yelling "abusive and racist comments" - at his TV
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Delta Airlines requiring mother traveling with conjoined twins to buy two seats for them. But ask them for a second packet of peanuts and see how far that gets you
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North and South Korea have signed a pact pledging to seek a permanent peace agreement
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| (Some Guy) |
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Phil Spector to be retried for murder, seeks new lawyers. Must. Not. Use. Newsflash.
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Olympic National Park to raise entrance fees from $15 per car to $25. Critics suggest "it would lead to where only the wealthier members of our society could come." Because the difference between being rich or not is only $10
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| (700 Club) |
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"Did you ever wonder why Halloween seems to primarily feed off of a market of 3-13 year olds? This is a Satanic ploy for our children."
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| (Farktography) |
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 126: "Tourist in Your Own Town" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed October 03, 2007 |
| (Some Guy) |
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Vegetable popular in World War II is making a comeback, more super and more superior than ever before. No, this is not about Captain America
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| (Some Guy) |
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"I asked Jesus what in the world I had done to deserve this." Might have something to do with shooting fish with a bow
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| (NWF Daily News) |
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Community church disappointed it will be only local congregation to celebrate upcoming National Porn Sunday
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| (Santa Rosa Press Democrat) |
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Police officer assumes teen in sports car must be speeding, writes ticket for 17 over the limit. GPS in car proves otherwise
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Child porn suspect has been in the PMITA jail for too long gets released because of severe flatulence and "groin numbness." Florida tags trumps them all
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Operation "Dutch Oven" is a success. The postal service prevents the elderly, senile, lonely, disabled and stupid from handing over their lifesavings to the Nigerians
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Weird: Chico the cat describes the life of his "best friend," Pope Benedict. Fark: biography is authorized by the Vatican
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Amsterdam's famed coffee shops are turning to free-range eggs for their hashish "spacecakes" to reduce the suffering of chickens. Dude... what?
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| (AnimalRights.net) |
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Quotes from animal rights activists: "The life of an ant and that of my child should be granted equal consideration."
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Court refuses to stay open till 5:20 to allow for computer malfunction, so inmate dies at 8:23 by lethal injection. Where the hell is the Texas tag on this thing for those "relish for death" articles?
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this handsome mushroom
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Police investigating burglary report theft of computers and £10,000 worth of Star Wars action figures. Thought it was quiet around here
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| (WBNS 10tv) |
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73-year-old man attacked while trying to enjoy a cup of coffee, opens a can of whoop ass in the form of Karate and Judo. "Nobody comes into my house without my permission" (w/lawn off NOW photo)
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Number of Americans who see themselves among the "have-nots" of society has doubled over the past two decades. Losers
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Drew needs a theme song. What should it be? (link goes to subby's choice) VE
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| (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) |
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Taking a bold step into the previous century, Pennsylvania may allow beer stores to actually sell you a six-pack
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Tiny dog unearths two-million-year old mammoth bone that's bigger than it is, but still wants steak (with pic of pooch that's worth the click alone)
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| (Bloomberg) |
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♫ Working in a gold mine / Mile underground now / Working in a gold mine / Oops, we're gonna drown now ♪ Working in a gold mine / Hundred sixty score now / Working in a gold mine / Oops, we're gonna drown now ♫
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Protester arrested for mooning the police; routine DNA sample ties him to unsolved rape case. "Dumbass" tag was never more applicable
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| (Some Guy) |
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Newspapers urged to write at a level readers can understand, point to Lexington, Ky. as a model, where stories on state's poor education system have to be written at a Grade 3 level so residents can understand them
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The kid might be right. Maybe it is about free speech. But he's still a dumbass
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And there in Oak Lawn, some people say, the school boards' heart grew three sizes that day
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'
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50 years after Allen Ginsburg's landmark poem "Howl" was declared not legally obscene, radio stations refuse to air it, fearing FCC sanctions. Freedom costs a buck oh five
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| (Some Gal) |
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Theme: Seven deadly sins. Today's sin: ENVY
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Driver in 100-mph "suicide bid" told by judge: "The next time you want to commit suicide, find somewhere quiet to do it"
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Jesuslanders and Libtardians holding second secessionist convention. The loser gets Florida
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If you have a phobia about spiders -- especially 30-foot-high ones -- stay the hell out of London. And don't click on the link either, because there's a pic
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♪ Slip sliding away | Slip sliding away | You know the dearer your lovely house is | The more it's slip sliding away ♪
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Property owner halted from cutting down Anne Frank's favorite tree. You know who else didn't like Anne Frank's tree?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Bush might consider making the trip if Iran was a free and democratic society. And allowed its people freedom of expression. And if it was not pursuing nuclear weapons. And if it thinks of a number between one and 100
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Wal-Mart workers win $62 million. Smiley face guy observed adding ten cents to the price of t-shirts made in China
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Police warn of "gorillas" attacking at ATMs
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| (CBN) |
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Poll of tattooed Americans reveal that 33% think their tattoos make them more sexy, 25% feel rebellious and 20% feel more spiritual
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Woman told she has breast cancer, has a double mastectomy, later told she never had cancer. Someone's getting sued
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man confesses to high school prank he pulled in 1957, gives school a check for $500 to make amends for "dastardly deed" of dumping two years' worth of pop cans into school swimming pool in 1957 (pic)
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"I had peach fuzz and her vagina looked like Cat Stevens' face" (Sponsored Link)
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Former President Carter gets in a fight with Sudanese security officials on his way to a peace conference
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| (Some Healthy Hos) |
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Strip club offes free flu shots. Penicillin for lap dances may require a fee
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Do not bring your baby carriages to Grünerløkka unless you want to be assaulted by a naked woman
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| (Eyewitness News) |
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ACROSS 7. People who annoy you
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| (CentreDaily) |
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Motivational speaker apparently wasn't motivated enough to remove his kiddie porn collection from his laptop before dropping it off for repairs
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Woman shoots and kills her boyfriend after discovering his porn stash. With "Hell, I'd be stockpiling porn too if I was tagging her, she looks like Denny Green in a wig" mugshot goodness
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Boston mayor asks bars to be careful who they serve during Red Sox playoff games because it's embarrassing and expensive when police spray bullets into unruly crowds
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Aliens forced Americans out from the Moon
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you left a folder full of nude pictures on a state representative's thumb drive prior to his lecture at a high school, the state highway patrol would like to have a word with you
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More young black men are in prison than in college, presidential candidates say. Sounds too juicy to check, but someone did. Turns out five times as many are in college as are in prison
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| (WHNT19) |
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Today's "eight bags of cocaine burst in prisoner's stomach" story brought to you by Huntsville, Alabama. Take that, Florida
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Actual headline: "Can a nun cure Alzheimers?" Article's answer: "No"
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| (TMZ) |
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Danny Bonaduce beats up Johnny Fairplay on stage. With slideshow and audio
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| (Charleston Gazette) |
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After decades of ranking 50th in everything, West Virginia finally gets a No. 1
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Philadelphia School District wastes $700K on a study designed to improve accounting practices and efficiency. Bonus: Study went unread because officials lost the report
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New AG nominee unlikely to order the draping of naked statues, as client list includes New York tabloids and a dial-up-porn service
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Bush vetoes No Sick Child Left Behind
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Even though the state is experiencing an extreme drought, Coca-Cola is going to waste 1.2 millions gallons of water making snow in Georgia in October
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You are driving drunk when a cop attempts to pull you over. Do you: A) Pull over and admit your stupidity? B) Try to pull off the sober act? Or C) Gun it and try to outrun the S.O.B.... on your riding lawn mower?
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Federal employees wasted at least $146 million over a one-year period on first-class air travel because they "felt entitled to the perk"
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New baby-murdering facility opens in Chicago, hopes to nudge 1.37 million annual child murders to an even 1.4
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The study we've all been waiting for: booze makes you clever
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The owner of the impound lot where University of Florida team captain was busted for stealing his gf's car says he should not be charged with any crime, because he was just growing "impatient" waiting for someone to check him out
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| (WYFF4.com) |
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You're a teenage girl driving a car. Is this a good time to: A) Pay attention to the road? B) Talk on your cell phone? Or C) Huff keyboard cleaner? (With pic)
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The definition of "forgiveness" stretched just a tad after priest plays parishiner's private voicemail message in church, then asking, "Should we send him to hell or to another parish?"
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Stop me if you've heard this one before: N. Korea vows to shut down its nuclear program
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Police officer who accidentally shot himself rushed to Albert Einstein Medical Center, presumably because Barney Fife Hospital was too far away
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According to Senator Lindsey Graham, the war will magically pay for itself when we win it
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Nothing says "suck it" more than a presidential veto on kid's health care programs
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| (Common Ground) |
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Theoretical physicist frustrated that every time there's a breakthough in string theory, his Hare Krishna brother brags that it was already documented in his religious books centuries ago
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Class-action lawsuit brought by blind people against Target's website. Blind-people-biatching trifecta now in play
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Jon Stewart savages Chris Matthews during the book interview from hell
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Bad: Toy recall due to lead paint. Good: Toy company sends bonus toys as apology. Fark: Bonus toys now being recalled due to lead paint
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The best of Harvard's Ig Nobel Prize winners for real but weird science
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| (The Keynoter) |
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Department of Agriculture declares victory over rats on rat island. Not that rat island, the other one. Not that other one, but the one down in Florida. Which is the opposite of Alaska. And the Iraq
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Driver who called police while driving and taunted them with "I'm hammered... come get me" before being captured and tasered now says he was suffering from a mental breakdown
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Judge agrees with man that wife's threats to amputate his penis are satisfactory grounds for divorce, chainmail underpants
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New "Denver boot" introduced that can be unlocked by drivers after they pay their fine. Denver sure that these will be promptly returned, instead of say, re-attached to other cars as a practical joke
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You know it's a good chili when hazmat teams seal off your street
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"My motto has been they are going to have to pry this vibrator from my cold, dead hand"
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When driving a stolen car, you might want to hold off on driving to the county jail to visit your boyfriend (with it's-a-man-baby pic goodness)
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Blind people speak out against the danger of quieter (hybrid) automobiles. Also concerned about rearranged furniture, plungers left in toilets
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Head of the Office of National Drug Control Policy claims success in war on drugs. No, he was not stoned at the time
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Christianity's biggest problem? It's not sexy enough
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If you're sitting in the gallery of a courtroom during a trial, please turn off your cell phone's loud, orgasmic "Oh, yeah ... yeah ... oh, yeah ... do it to me" ringtone beforehand
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this log cabin on the move
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Naked guy breaks into Nic Cage's home, puts on leather jacket. Says it was a symbol of his individuality and his belief in personal freedom
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Forest fires in the West becoming so much hotter and so much faster that fire chiefs increasingly saying "fark it" and letting the houses of people stupid enough to build there burn rather than risking lives fighting for it
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An electronic tag from a three-inch-long steelhead trout that was released from a Washington State hatchery in 2005 was found two years later... in the belly of a bird, 7,700 miles away, off the coast of New Zealand
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Steve Fossett, whose condition was initially ''maybe alive," then upgraded to "maybe not dead" now downgraded to "probably working his way through the lower intestine of a coyote"
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| (Brampton Guardian) |
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Police issue public safety warning about ex-convict, citing "a significant safety risk." But they can't say why. Odd, he seems normal in the mugshot
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Cops fire a dozen times at aggressive rottweiler and miss every shot. Your dog immediately starts an argument about divine intervention. And hamburgers
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Rural homeless rate found to be twice urban rate. Presumably they're all out enjoying nature's blessings, just like hippies on Earth Day
|
| (10News.com) |
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Man who bought box of GooGoo Clusters candy from 99-cent store learns "GooGoo" is apparently slang for maggot
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Man sets his house on fire trying to kill yellow jackets
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Alabama couple celebrates 80th wedding anniversary. He's 97, she's 94. You do the math. Ah, sweet home Alabama
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Homeless man stays warm by setting another homeless man on fire
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In case you've stopped panicking about bird flu, Swedish scientist says Tamiflu vaccine may help spawn an uber-resistant strain. EVERYONE PANIC - AGAIN
|
| Tue October 02, 2007 |
| (Some Guy) |
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From the county that brought you the high school student who married her former coach, comes the school board that considered hiring a teacher, who had sex with a student, to teach schools' sexual harassment training. With pic
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22-year-old woman accused of having sex with 15-year-old Boy Scout on sailing trip. Her job title: first mate
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Man makes a 6-year-old guzzle a can of beer. Before you ask where the 'cool' and 'hero' tags are, you should know the beer was a Coors Light
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Blackwater pilot to his co-pilot while taking a low-level run through a mountain canyon in Afghanistan, moments before their fatal crash: "I swear to God, they wouldn't pay me if they knew how much fun this was."
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Fans pissed off at scalpers snagging all the tickets and driving up prices respond by sabotaging their online auctions
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Big-time gambler who owes casino £2 million decides he can pay his debt one night by winning big at the tables. Hilarity? It was not in the odds
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Not news: man loses his home to creditors. News: they seize everything he owns while he's in the hospital. Fark: including his wife's ashes
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U.S. to admit 12,000 Iraqi refugees next year, presumably if it can find that many civilians it and Blackwater haven't killed by then
|
| (KPHO) |
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"We stopped the show because we feel that this was inappropriate and not a kind of performance that we want them to see."
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Middle school teachers tell students to create a catchy ad for plantations and slave labor. What could possibly go wrong?
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"The establishment of a new constitution -- generally considered one of the most liberal in the world -- unleashed a torrent of hard-core porn"
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From the appendix to the tailbone, here's a list of body parts that we could all do without
|
| (WBZTV) |
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Tom Brady, adverse to bad karma, removed the in-flight movie while the Patriots were en route to Cincinnati after discovering that it co-starred his ex-girlfriend
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When placing a story on their website about female athletes bearing the brunt of concussions, ABC News goes for the gold in photo perfection
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"The head of the Nazis was a killer named Hitler whose evil partner, Mussolini, was president of the USSR. The war ended with the bombing of Iwo Jima and Hitler's suicide. Then a treaty was signed." Ken Burns sighs
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Steal grandmas pork chop - that's a stabbing. Bonus farktacular quote - "Eat my pork, feel my fork"
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| (WFAA.com) |
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100-year anniversary Neiman Marcus Christmas catalog issue includes $1.4 million personal submarine, and a robot that can carry on a conversation for $75,000. Submitter was surprised that Larry King's booking fee was that low
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Caption this career fair conversation
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| (KCTV) |
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Running around a church half naked and smoking crack? Yep, that's a tasering
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Man returns home from night of heavy drinking, discovers his key no longer works. Doing what any Farker would do, he breaks in and mixes himself another drink. Rightful owner of house returns, jailarity ensues
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O.J. Simpson ordered by court to give his Rolex to Ron Goldman, vows to keep that uncomfortable hunk of metal up his ass for years rather than comply
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For some reason, the Iowa State Fair board is looking into banning the "erotic corndog eating" competition
|
| (Crimson White) |
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University of Alabama offers class on "The Gospel of Star Wars." Students required to write dissertation on why Han shot first
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Research lab fined $15,000 for spanking the monkey
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Target recalls toy rattles, a time when toys were made in the U.S.
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Good news for LSU fans: The defensive captain for the Florida Gators is in jail for trying to break into an impound lot to get his girlfriend's car
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| (KJRH) |
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Wal-Mart will gladly match any competitor's price, unless it's another local Wal-Mart
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The new TV season is only a week old and no one is watching
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"Lost" producers ask fans to "trust them" in the fourth season. Because they have been so forthcoming up until this point with answers
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Man tries to rob a bank, flees after the teller offers him suckers as an alternative
|
| (Some Guy) |
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First it was a grim reaper cat. Now it's a dog that knows when you're gonna die. Next up, a parrot that tells people, "Polly want a corpse"
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Iranian university invites Bush to speak following Iranian president's visit to Columbia University. "After all, it is only fair that we show the same diplomacy to your fascist leader as you did to ours"
|
| (Some Guy) |
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High carb dieters slimmer, more healthy. Pass the beer
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Sheriff says that if a bank-robbing couple surrender, he'll marry them while they're in jail
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Bush 33, Congress 29. It's not golf, people -- you want a higher score
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Man paints marriage proposal on his demolition derby car. Pinky Tuscadero's Ironic tag escapes Malachi Crunch of Obvious and Dumbass
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Asshat steals 82-year-old's tree carving from his yard. Police stumped
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| (Dlisted) |
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You would think that after $500,000 of nip/tuck, Demi Moore would look better than this. (PIC)
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Old-fashioned blocks beat Mozart, baby DVDs, even flash cards in helping make toddlers smarter. They're also good in helping a toddler's younger sibling develop good reflexes to get away from said block-throwing toddler
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| (QuickDFW) |
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"Ass chewing leads to fight." Editors rejoice, censors cringe
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Blackwater chief faces House panel concerning the murder of Iraqi civillians. Uses the "Your guys killed over 800 civilians last month. Why aren't they here being questioned?" defense
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Ford sales down a mere 39 percent from last year. Top sales analyst considers this good news
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AT&T swears it's not angling to pull the plug on its 'Net critics. Of course, who can believe those evil bas
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| (Metro.co.uk) |
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Buddha's comically shaped penis now directe | | |
