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| Sun September 16, 2007 |
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Paris chic evidently involves wearing the same t-shirt as Wham-era George Michael
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| (Charleston.net) |
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12-foot long, 600-pound gator bites off man's arm. This being South Carolina, doctors decide to cut that gator open and try to reattach the arm
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If you were at the county fair scouting ten-year-olds to work at your strip club, the West Manchester police would like a word with you
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| (Stars and Stripes) |
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Scary: Soldier survives Afghan bomb blast with severe shrapnel wounds. Good: Evacuated to Germany for medical treatment. Fark.com: Just in time to see wife deliver baby daughter at same hospital
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man claims to have seen hundreds of space ships entering and exiting hyperspace via a "stargate" between the stars Arcturus and Muphrid in Bootes, doesn't want to labeled "kook, nut or idiot"
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O.J. Simpson mug shot released
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this ninja mantis
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Southwest Airlines stays fiscally trim by double charging the obese... with video (OMG he's 430lbs) goodness
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A new mother is using digital cameras record her baby's every move. Who wants to bet this kid will be injecting heroin directly into her eyeballs by the time she's 14
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| (Superdream) |
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Happy Birthday Google (1997-2007) - Ten years in screenshoots
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Denny's ordered to tip "ignored" black family $600k
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man with high-pitched voice files sex-discrimination case against his bank after they refuse to give him his account activity over the phone because they thought he was a woman (pic)
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If you ignore foreclosure letters from your bank. Don't be surprised when the new homeowners show up on your doorstep
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Sad: Man killed by U-Haul truck. News: His estate sues U-Haul. Fark: U-Haul says the man caused his own death
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Teen found murdered after assisting police investigate her sister's homicide which occured 6 days earlier
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| (kxmc.com) |
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Man possibly responsible for nukes in B-52 mysteriously dies while on leave. Nothing to see here, citizen. Continue about your business
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| (RUN!) |
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Controlled demolition. Hundreds of specators. Cunning plans? Well, you are reading it here... and yes, there is video
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today is National Play-Doh Day
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Vegas police squeeze OJ
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| (PR Newswire) |
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Beaners in Detroit upset over new coffeehouse named Beaners
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Man causes 3 car pile-up on highway. The fact that he was eating a bowl of cereal while driving might be relevant
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Photoshop theme: Create a Fark flag
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Advocates for legalization of marijuana arrested for failing to make marijuana legal
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Old and Busted: Speed Cameras. New Hotness: Cameras that ticket you for smoking outside a pub
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Guy who accused OJ of robbing him now says, "Whoops, my bad, nothing happened, sorry about that."
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Bison hunt called "senseless" by people who have never eaten a bison burger
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A sure sign Fall is here? The first story about parents and teachers freaking out about high-school kids having sex at school dances has appeared. And by "having sex" I mean "dancing."
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Kentucky man learns how to break into homes by watching "It Takes a Thief", plans to start catching up "Prison Break" immediately
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Death's Head Terror can seesaw the booy. No, that does not make sense and this is why cheap Halloween novelty items from Taiwan can be so amazingly awesome
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OJ Simpson says coverage of recent robbery incident being overblown, media just taking a stab in the dark
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Jet crashes at airport, in Thailand. Phuket, they say. (Link updated)
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Theme: Osama's next fashion makeover. Difficulty: No clown glasses
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Judge forces noise ordinance violators to sit in a room and listen to Barry Manilow (with video)
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All points bulletin out for Tom Thumb
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| (Some Guy) |
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Israeli astrophysicists help find oldest-known planet outside solar system, estimate its age as close to 5,999 years. "The dinosaurs would have gazed at it," they marvel
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| (Some Guy) |
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"It is a much more comfortable social experience to be fat in the UK or the US than it is in Europe. Call it body fascism if you like, but in Europe excessive weight gain, much like excessive drinking, is socially disapproved of"
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| (Some Guy) |
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85-year-old former track star (pic) chases down punk who stole her purse. This guy's gonna do real well in prison
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| (Some Guy) |
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"We do not believe that a pair of shoes over a telephone cable is a sign a drug dealer lives nearby - it's more likely to be a sign that some idiot has thrown their shoes away"
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Police stop car, find live chicken in trunk. Driver chased on foot, tackled, punched in head, tasered twice, and taken to hospital. Chicken re-coop-erating at Sheboygan County Humane Society
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Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez, fighting off increasing boredom now that Sean Penn has left the country, claims a world record for the world's largest pot of soup
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| (theage.com.au) |
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Amazingly hot Australian professional golfer sues men's magazine for allegedly calling her a ho (w/ barely safe for work pic)
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| (LF Press) |
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British soldier dies in skydiving exercise: "Obviously this is a result of coming down from the jump and being unable to impact the ground softly"
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Woman fakes death to avoid being sent to prison, is caught by a bail bondsman at her home. No word on how many "Fail Bonds" she got for the stunt
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The Royal Australian Navy is paying for women sailors to have breast enlargements. They say the surgery is justified because some servicewomen need bigger breasts to address "psychological issues"
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Sale price of Barry Bonds' record-breaking 756th home run ball, expected to draw $500,000 at auction, unnaturally inflates to $752,467*
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Central Park horse shows off his impression of Sonny Bono
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| Sat September 15, 2007 |
| (WRTV Channel 6) |
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News: Bodies found sealed in 55-galllon drums on someone's property. Fark: The mugshot goodness
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these ice drillers
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| (Muskogee Phoenix) |
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Coach hits kid with car, refuses to call police. "I ought to be dealing with tomorrow night's game, not this crap"
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Girl bombs at show and tell after bringing grenade to school
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Fail Bowl complete, Notre Dame proving there can only be one complete college football embarrassment
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Peeping Tom caught looking through the ceiling tile at a sporting good store. Ceiling cat is unamused
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If you're willing to do the crime, don't call the suuuuuebulance when you have to wear pink
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Mike Hargrove goes on to coach the team with the greatest name ever
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| (9WSYR) |
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News: Femme fatale charged with poisoning her husband with antifreeze. Fark: They think her first husband died the same way
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| (Some Guy) |
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Baby marmoset kidnapped from zoo recovered, kidnappers arrested. With cute pic. The monkey's not bad looking either
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| (WWMT) |
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Michigan farm honors Gerald Ford with corn maze portrait (with senseless, superfluous, delicious pic)
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Ugly ass panda born at San Diego Zoo. No really, it's truly ugly. Like a black and white tennis ball with eyes. (ugly pic goodness)
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| (The Love ImageShack.) |
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What is President Bush praying for?
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Photographer accused of shooting a projectile with a slingshot through a competitor's window, and then looking like Kenny Rogers in his mugshot
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| (Some Guy) |
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16-year-old boy attacked by rabid fox, chokes the animal to death with his bare hands. Authorities don't know how a 16-year-old boy could develop such wrist strength
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Not news: Albanian soccer team loses home game to Dutch. News: distraught local fan fulfills vow to set fire to his fish-delivery van. Fark: the fire department couldn't douse the blaze because someone stole their water
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Woman fired for being a stinky smoker
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| (Some Guy) |
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Duct tape + too much free time = Photoshop fodder
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Bill Maher: 9/11 Truthers need professional help, not publicity
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Drew has spoken: Littleton/Denver Farkers meeting at the No Name Grill. DIT, LGT previous thread
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| (Some Guy) |
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Live stage production of Angelina Ballerina terrifies children, titillates furries. With scary-ass pic
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| (Science Daily) |
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Panel of scienticians reviews data on Aspartame and declares the artificial sweetener safe. This study brought to you by Ajinomoto, manufacturer of Aspartame
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Bullfighter loses fight with mosquito
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| (Some Guy) |
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Judge rules fiancee of dying man who has suffered a series of strokes can have his sperm. Submitter predicts a few more strokes in his future
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I wanna rock n' roll all night, and party everyday. But I have to get out of jail first
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| (Chattanoogan) |
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Fine arts program at Tennessee college includes a musical based on Bat Boy. Yes, the one from the now-defunct Weekly World News. That there's some serious culture, y'all
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First it was a monkey befriending a pigeon. Now Lithuania has to play one-up with a story about a baboon adopting a chicken. Where will the interspecies madness end?
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Sick Canadian man fined $1,000 for going to work
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| (Some Guy) |
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Pink shirt guys get interviewed by CBS, international media. "We're not allowed to go on Oprah unless we take our moms"
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I Sikh what you did there
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You're the best, on Caturday
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these assorted orbs
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Boston's low bridges have a fever -- and there's only one prescription
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Mythical global warming makes mythical Northwest Passage a reality
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59-year old set to start a college football game at linebacker. Get off my turf
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Woman who had her purse snatched told by police it wasn't a crime because she chased the asshat down herself and successfully fought for it (w/ pic of one eminently hittable hitter)
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Thousands of panicking savers queued to withdraw millions of pounds from the UK's 8th largest bank
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Picked from today's "How the hell could you tell?" file: "Standards drop in British dentistry"
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Hundreds of athletes can skip water portion of annual triathlon because of killer amoebas
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Meet the world's first sheep-hog hybrid. And it's fugly (pic)
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| (Moscow News) |
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China's own Loch Ness Monster caught on film, to be stir-fried and served with rice and bok choy
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| (Mlive.com) |
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Wisconsin optometrist commits suicide awaiting extradition for Michigan murder. I guess hindsight IS 20/20
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One-armed 71-year-old man laments that his 32-year-old mail order-bride from Vietnam didn't work out as well as he hoped, what with her karate kicking him in his new artificial hip, gambling away his money and then disappearing (pics)
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Photoshop theme: If popular American movies had been made in foreign countries...
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Prunes force evacuation of post office
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| (kare11.com) |
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My ass is stuck. I'm so very scared. Help
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| (wndu.com) |
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Indiana town councilman gets beatdown from police force at budget meeting (with video)
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| Fri September 14, 2007 |
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Don't you hate slamming back some wine, going to bed and waking up to realize the bed you're sleeping on is a big-ass wasp's nest? This elderly couple feels your pain - be glad you don't feel theirs (pics)
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| (KTAR) |
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Today's "Group home counselor arrested for having sex with resident" story brought to you by Phoenix (with mugshot goodness)
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Today's story of a 10 year old boy caught at school with grandma's semi-automatic handgun and 26 rounds of ammunition hidden inside of a black pencil carrier is brought to you by North Branch, Michigan
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Dead guy wakes up during his autopsy. Kinda puts your bad day in perspective, huh?
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National magazine sends an e-mail to subscribers: Actual subject line - "Why don't you go f*@ yourself"
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Your one-stop guide to communicating on Fark
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| (Crain's Detroit) |
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"Star Trek" caskets coming soon. DeForest Kelley, James Doohan unavailable for comment
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Actual headline perfection: Teen emerges from ocean with shark locked onto abdomen
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| (ZeeMaps) |
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Every fall, Fark lists an article about some giant pumpkin grown somewhere. Here's a map of major sanctioned giant pumpkin contests if you're nearby so you can see them in person. You might just see a world record broken
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With sea levels rising, some cities may be underwater soon. Suck it, costal cities! Love, the flyovers states
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| (WRAL) |
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You are on a commercial flight and you need a cigarette. Do you: A) Light up in the restroom? B) Wait until you land? Or C) Threaten to blow up the plane? (With mugshot)
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Old and busted: Zimbabweans walking their dogs. New hotness: Zimbabweans wokking their dogs
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Baby hedgehog named "Lucky" survives full cycle in washing machine. It's not news, it's the BBC (pic)
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| (Some Thirsty Guy) |
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Photoshop this lovely beer maiden
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Blood and gore, rock and roll, naked men wrestling, killer sheep and just general freakdom. Yup, it's Canada
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Scientists warn computers will soon be able to mimic specific human voices perfectly, causing "vocal terrorism." Proposed terror alert scale includes: 1) Rich Little, 5) Nigerian bank scam, 11) Celine Dion
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| (NY1 News) |
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German pride parade in NYC set for tomorrow. You know who else liked Germans marching in parades?
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| (King 5) |
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The FBI would like to make it illegal to wear sunglasses in banks. Corey Hart unimpressed
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Continental Airlines plans direct flights from Des Moines to Cleveland, proving that travel between black holes is possible
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If you take the bus to a video game convention and you're sporting a Fu Manchu mustache and armor and holding what appeared to be a blood-splattered sword, it may unnerve your fellow passengers
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Just another sign that college kids are getting dummer
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Drew is signing his book at Borders in Littleton at 2:00 p.m. this Saturday. Anyone want to grab a beer afterwards? Or during?
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Three fatal plane crashes in three days at Reno airshow. Three... ah ah ah
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| (Some Guy) |
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After asshats threaten new student and call him gay for wearing a pink shirt to school, over 400 students show up to class wearing pink shirts. "One of the bullies was so mad he was throwing chairs around"
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| (Florida Today) |
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Goth students repeatedly get ejected from school for their dress; the sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies and dickheads don't have this problem
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| (Some Guy) |
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NYC Fark Party - Last Call - Tonight - DIT
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The top 10 car chases in movie history. Difficulty: They put "Bad Boys II" ahead of "The French Connection" (Sponsored Link)
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Having solved all other problems Florida proposes 6 foot distance between Strippers and their customers. Oh, and no more beer
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Federal court rules that NY fraternity may have to allow "fraternity sisters"
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Pentagon censors tape of alleged 9/11 mastermind. Must have been the "collaboration with top U.S. officials" part
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Organic food is not more nutritious, and organic farming is bad for the topsoil and yields less food per acre. Suck it, hippies
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Lance Armstrong Foundation refuses to play ball with a jewel of a pet collar business that had the huevo to call the enterprise Barkstrong. Nutty business owner remains defiant, and vows to tackle the legal issues, stone by stone
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop an even cooler power source into this bike taxi. Difficulty: No hamsters
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Judge's ruling states what the rest of us knew all along: the RIAA is full of shiat
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Giant inflatable rat at the center of free speech debate in New Jersey. The Florida tag is very jealous
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| (Shelby Star) |
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If someone steals your half-pound of pot and white liquor, resist the temptation to dial 911 five times to yell and cuss at the dispatcher
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After 200 years of irrelevance, Scotland attempts to strut back onto world stage by being the home of the world's largest bowl of porridge
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CT Fark Party TOMORROW (Saturday), 9/15, 7pm, Eli Cannon's in Middletown
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High school drama teacher finds himself ultimate attention whore after getting student pregnant and running from police (with photo that would do Tom DeLay proud)
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Indian government withdraws report which claimed that a sand-and-stone bridge was not built by Hindu god Ram's army of monkeys. In other news, Occam has mislaid his razor
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OJ Simpson reportedly breaks into Vegas hotel room, being questioned by police
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Q: When breaking into a property, what's more stupid than leaving fingerprints?
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Size zeroes to be banned from smoking (perhaps in a bid for them to eat more/eat)
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| (Some Guy) |
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6,000-year-old nettle pudding named "Britain's oldest recipe." Many pubs still serve some of the original batch
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Court overturns 25-year-old murder conviction of man who was plotting paramilitary takeover of Marin County so he could turn it into King Arthur's court
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Slackers float down Missouri and Mississippi rivers on raft of trash. Attractive and successful African-American Jim unavailable for comment
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Leave it to the French to come up with a site that sells alibis to adulterers. Viva la giggity
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| (Some embarassed Tennessean) |
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In an effort to finally convince Drew that a Tennessee tag is necessary, man punishes his children like he punishes his dogs...with electric shock collars
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Revolutionary machine dispenses ice cream for the depressed after monitoring their voice's stress level. What could possibly go wrong?
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Today is Take Your Dog To Work Day. Your dog wants to be taken
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Man arrested for stealing car, but he only did it so he could turn himself in for another crime
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| (WXYZ - TV) |
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Actual Headline - "Update: Head may be connected to torso"
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Of the potential causes of a PMITA prison riot, "lack of sausage" probably wouldn't be near the top of anybody's list, but nonetheless
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McFail
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Man refused surgery on ankle - because he smokes
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"I predict in the next few years, the FCC will be put in its proper place and nudity will be the norm"
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| (The economist) |
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Luxembourgerians drink the most per person. Suck it, Ireland (which comes in second)
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In a karma-tastic twist, a train full of Indians runs over Pilgrims... Miles Standish unaccounted for
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With no more pressing crimes to solve, British police visit restaurant to warn owner to stop selling "unhealthy" sandwiches and wraps to schoolchildren (pic)
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Alleged Ponzi scheme mastermind arrested, with sexy lounge pants pic goodness
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| (Some Tfette) |
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Photoshop this lovely puppet
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Jesus as Time Lord: English church offers "Doctor Who"-themed services. "We will try and get some Dr Who props in to try and make it as lively as possible"
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| (DesNews) |
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Not news: Man dies of self-inflicted gunshot wound. Fark: While paragliding
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Horseback riders recreating man's 159-year old race from Santa Fe, NM to Independence, MO. The tally: two horses killed by cars, one rider thrown by a spooked mustang, and animal rights activists none too pleased
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Czech crash victim wakes up speaking perfect English
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Machine gun jams. Do you 1) disassemble it carefully 2) call a professional to fix it or 3) stare down the barrel, to get a good look at that pesky jammed bullet? If you're reading it here, you can guess what choice was made
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British soldiers enjoy better living quarters in Afghanistan than they do back home in England
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Suspect in Miami cop killing case found. Given medicine. Some of his own
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| (Gainesville Sun) |
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Today's "Murder-suicide that also took the lives of 30 goats, seven dogs, a donkey and a miniature horse" brought to you by Chiefland, Florida
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| Thu September 13, 2007 |
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Bush announces 5,700 troops home by Christmas
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The Google Lunar X Prize - $20 million to the first private company to put a robotic rover on the Moon
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this circus girl
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NFL fines Bill Belichick $500K, Patriots $250K and their first-round draft pick in '08 (if they make the playoffs this year)
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British develop revolutionary non-stick chewing gum; kid who tried to steal prototype loses; gets nothing, GOOD DAY SIR
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| (WRGB Albany) |
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Today's "Teacher accused of having sex with student" story brought to you by Broadalbin-Perth School District, New York
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Two-thirds of Maryland voters support doubling tobacco tax to support health insurance. Suck it, black lungers
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Headless, armless body found in Detroit garbage can. Police searching for a killer they suspect is armed and dangerous
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| (KTEN) |
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♪ Grandson got run over by a mower ♪ walking around our house Tuesday late ♪ You might say that kid should have ten toes ♪ but doctors now say less than eight ♪
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Woman arrested for "punishing" 14-year-old neighbor boy for making noise playing basketball by stripping naked and sunning herself in front of him. This is like punishing a neighbor's dog for barking by throwing it a steak
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Imigrations and Customs agent raid meat packing plants and detain citizens and non citizens alike. For some odd reason, people think that's a violation of unlawful search and seizure
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| (Montgomery Advertiser) |
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You're 15 and "accidentally" discover sexual content in a school library book. Do you: A) Select another book? B) Complain? Or C) Protect everyone else by checking the book out and refusing to return it?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Minutes after a jury finds a previously convicted sex offender guilty of trying to lure a girl into a park bathroom, the judge overrules the verdict because the bathroom isn't a secluded place
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Federal deficit down about 10 percent compared to same time last year. Since it's an increase that's less than it normally is, we can call it a "cut"
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| (Some Guy) |
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From a study done by folks that apparently don't drive, talking on a mobile while driving is no more dangerous than having a passenger in the car
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Eight-year-old girl donates birthday money to family of murdered deputy. Sappy tag gets biatchslapped by you know who when you see the amount
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British newspaper educates readers about American barbeque. Apparently mutton is popular in Kentucky
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| (Some Mail) |
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New US Postal Service stamp celebrates jury duty, will cause letters to sit around all day before being sent back home
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| (East Valley Tribune) |
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Transportation chief: Charge for HOV lanes
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| (Some Apartment Renter) |
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Home owners sue their association board for MORE restrictions. Dare I suggest a HOA quadrifecta?
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| (Lansing State Journal) |
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Man fed up with burglars decides to booby trap his house with pipe bombs. Since you're reading this here, you can guess that this doesn't end well
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| (Some Guy) |
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If(Now()== "2007-09-13") Alert.show("Happy Programmer's Day");
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Teacher fired for telling students "I honk for peace." Keeps on honking right to Supreme Court
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Hurricane Humberto's heavy hydrodynamic hellwash hardly hits Houston. Louisiana lashed liquidly, left looking languidly limp
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Abandoned by his mother, baby monkey befriended by pigeon. You better believe there's a cute-ass photo
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Having solved all other city problems, Minneapolis City Council holds public hearing to ban circus animals
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Miss" Ventura County hasn't yet returned crown after getting busted for actually being a Mrs. Claims she was too drunk and high to remember getting married, so it shouldn't count. Oh, if only
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HOA to homeowners: Give us $8.5 million for a new rec center. Judge to HOA: Swallow it. HOA trifecta complete
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| (pennlive) |
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Bad: You're busted with LSD, ecstacy, mushrooms, pot, meth and $1000 in $20s. Lucky: Cops fail to show for your hearing, so you walk
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| (MyFox Saint Louis) |
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"Put out a APB for a white male riding a bike, carrying a giant white teddy bear... oh wait, there he is"
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| (Champs) |
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Never pay for a concert again, for the rest of your life. Or at least as long as you still have hearing. (Sponsored Link)
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| (Albany Times Union) |
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Apparently, you're no longer allowed to give kids water guns. "They must have been out of rubber knives and candy cigarettes that day," says one lawmaker
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| (Some Pistil Guy) |
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Photoshop this strange flower
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| (Raleigh N&O) |
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Homeowners association tells members their lawns must be green and healthy, despite extreme drought and citywide water restrictions. Dumbass HOA trifecta now in play
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Indonesia gets hit with 6.2 magnitude earthquake day after three major earthquakes and total of sixty in 24-hour period. They're definitely doing something wrong
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"Back in 1987, newspapers were going to die because readers would be able to get news quicker by fax. They would even be able to tailor the type of news they wanted to receive. Imagine that"
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Man builds artificial boy. No word on if his name was Geppetto (with slightly creepy pics)
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In a gesture of forgiveness and compassion, the Amish made a donation to the widow of the gunman who killed five Amish children and injured five others
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| (Some Guy) |
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Police say a 17-year-old Manchester girl in a Toyota Prius hybrid hit 107 mph. Wonder how that's going to hold up in court
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Fifty-year-old woman stabs a robber in the back with a pitchfork after he tried to steal her scooter. Now get off her lawn
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Apple planning to bring the iPhone to Europe. JOIN THE REVOLUTION
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Nigerian banks told they must stop using attractive women to persuade customers to open accounts. Now they can be just like American banks
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Artist who created such works as "Work No. 88: A sheet of A4 paper crumpled into a ball" and "Work No. 200: Half the Air in a Given Space" now brings us "Work No. 227: The Lights Going On and Off"
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Toronto radio station offers $2,000 to anyone who can bring Colin Farrell in for an interview. Upon hearing the news, Farrell grabs the first homeless person he sees and takes him to the station... and then some
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| (Some Guy) |
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Homeowners association to Korean War vet: "Take down your flagpole or we'll foreclose on your house." Court to HOA: "Suck it"
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Not all the world hates the United States, right? I'm sure we can count on our staunch European allies, right? Right?
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♫ Some blow in a flip flop / Was found by a Swiss cop / Stuffed in a heel, tried to smuggle it home / But soon the offender / Will be a defender / On trial for possessing Colombian snow / Wasting away in PMITA-ville...♫
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Steak lovers, you knew it was only a matter of time... eating meat now blamed for global warming
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Palestinian suicide bomber is the unlikely star of a new Israeli film. And before you think no sequel is possible, remember "Highlander 2"... if you can
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| (WCPO) |
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Not news: 83-year-old man driving tractor down road. News: Flips over and pins him down. Fark: Digs his way out with pocket knife
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Yo' mama so fat, the city had to stop all them burger joints from opening around her house
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| (RNews) |
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Today's "naked drunk mayor" story brought to you by Albion, NY. Too bad there's no punchline to be made out of his last name
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Inmates escape Tennessee jail. Authorities plan to stretch their capture out over as many seasons as profitable
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Teen explains he killed his parents because he didn't want to disappoint them anymore for smoking pot, not having job
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"The health department does not consider a person's shoe or boot a proper instrument to use in food preparation"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Demi Moore spent more than $400,000 on surgery to make herself look younger and doesn't understand why she can't a decent role
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| (New York Magazine) |
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Progressive modern female breadwinners respect and admire their stay-at-home house husbands. Just kidding -- they think they're impotent, sponging parasites
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Aston Martin named the "coolest brand" in Britain, narrowly edging out ... err ... well, what the hell do you have in your home that was made in Britain?
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Etch-A-Sketch reproductions of some of the world's greatest masterpieces
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EU plans to censor words like "bomb" and "terrorism" from search engines. Should prevent users from finding bombmaking instructions, Bush speeches
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The federal government estimates it will cost $100 billion to deport all illegal immigrants. A bunch of Mexicans at the 7-11 around the corner say they'll do it for $500 cash
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Hey Texas. SURPRISE -- I'm a hurricane. Love, Humberto
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| (Dallas Observer) |
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Even if you're a lawyer, punching a cop in the balls is a bad idea
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Macgyver beats out Indiana Jones, James Bond and Jack Bauer as the fictional hero most Americans would want by their side in the event of a disaster
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| (Farktography) |
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 123: "Hands" Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed September 12, 2007 |
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Man says his breath test was flawed because he was burping at the time
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| (Daily News Tribune) |
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"She also saw a white man with no clothes on wearing a gas mask"
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Los Alamos hasn't fully accounted for all its weapons grade plutonium for at least the last 13 years. What could possibly go boom?
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The girl you love doesn't love you back, do you A.) Buy her flowers, B.) Move on or C.) Inject her with your own blood
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City of San Francisco to Starbucks: Suck it
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Teenage girls may face up to 5 years for prank phone calls. Let he who has not pretended to be hospital staff calling to tell parents their children were fighting for their lives after an accident cast the first stone
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this seated rowing machine
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| (Some Hothead) |
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Man uses his anger management class materials to assault another man. With Seething Rage Mugshot goodness
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Anybody can shoot themselves or slash their wrists, but it takes a real man to build a guillotine to kill yourself with
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| (Wisconsin Radio Network) |
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Man sues Wal-Mart three years after Brut cologne he was wearing burst into flames. In other news, some people still use Brut cologne
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70 students suspended over shirt-tucking rule
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"Rep. Briley called the officer a Nazi and a brownshirt, then sang the first line of 'Springtime For Hitler' from the Mel Brooks movie and musical 'The Producers'." What could possibly be added to this?
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| (Chattanoogan) |
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Shoplifter picks a really bad time for theft, with mugshot photo that looks suspiciously like Metallica's Lars Ulrich
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| (USGS) |
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Another earthquake hits Indonesia - magnitude 7.9
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| (Some Guy) |
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MADD hopes tougher sentences deter drunk drivers -- or to paraphrase, they hope we are one step closer to prohibition
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| (Bradenton Herald) |
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Precious little snowflake kicked out of school for "distracting" green hair (with bad hair dye pic)
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| (Popular Mechanics) |
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Twenty-five things a man should be able to do. Submitter is pretty darn manly and can do 23
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Bin Laden's beard is real, the video is not. In other news, teeth are real, the tooth fairy is not
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Wal-Mart changes their motto from "Always Low Prices. Always" to "Save Money. Live Better" in an attempt to appeal to more customers, avoid lawsuits for false advertising
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Animal activist arrested for giving public speech about sinking whaling ships, burning down animal-research labs and making explosive devices. You're doing it wrong
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| (Crooks and Liars) |
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Reverend tackled by capitol police at Petraeus' hearing for wearing a button that said "I LOVE THE PEOPLE OF IRAQ'"
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| (Harris Interactive) |
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Poll results say California, Florida, Hawaii are the most desirable American states to live in. Suck it, flyovers
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Chicago police arrest man for saying no to prostitute, impound car because it was used in the solicitation of prostitution. Prostitute
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Philadelphia police commissioner: "I need 10,000 black men."
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| (Greenville Herald-Banner) |
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Texas D.A. orders taping of defendant's conversations with his attorney and then providing recordings to prosecutors. Client/attorney privilege: Not yours
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Fark sues Fox reporter over attempted hacking, with "that's what she said" quote goodness from Drew
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There are times when one learns the hard way to not end a sentence with a preposition. This is one of them
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Ontario premier suggests banning guns in wake of recent stabbing. Yes, you read that right. Ontario, not Florida
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Having solved all other problems, Congress is looking into mandatory motorcycle helmet laws
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For the first time ever, according to census, married people are outnumbered. In other news, men are evolving and getting smarter
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Oil hits $80 a barrel on expected fallout resulting from the Patriots spying on Britney Spears at the VMAs
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| (Oy Vey) |
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Happy New Year to all the Jews on Fark. Tonight you're gonna party like it's 5768
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Ever wanted to see Drew hard at work? Okay, at work. Okay, okay... kicking back in his backyard, talking to a reporter
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You kid doesn't act normal and just can't fit in. Do you: A) Go to doctors for diagnosis, drug therapy? B) Accept child's behavior as unique? Or C) Return kid to hospital, demand refund?
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Waiter rushes from restaurant to subdue knife-wielding carjacker trying to steal woman's car, returns to his job, gets fired
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Tropical Storm Humberto forms off Texas, while another tropical depression forms in the Atlantic with possible vacation plans next week in Florida. Good times, people, good times
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Internet-ordained ministers can no longer legally marry anyone. The judge opined: "It makes a mockery out of the whole marriage system," forgetting that everything makes a mockery of the marriage system
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Census data shows high birth rates fuel Latino growth. So in other words, when a group of people has more babies, there are more of them
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| (The Keynoter) |
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Moral of the story: Don't make Wade Boggs angry, or he'll steal your fishing trophy and make your kids with cystic fibrosis cry
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Cell phones at school: To ban or not to ban?
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| (koco) |
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"An additional $1 in real gasoline prices would reduce obesity in the U.S. by 15 percent after three years," says some economics researcher
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Rutgers basketball player drops her lawsuit against Imus, goes back to obscurity
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| (Some Guy) |
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Awesomely cute Asiatic lion cub being being hand-reared at Chester zoo (with pic). Hand-reared cute baby feline trifecta now in play
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Led Zeppelin may tour again. Tour expected to make enough money to buy an actual stairway to heaven
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Police arrest woman for making annoying phone calls. This could be the greatest precedent ever
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| (News Busters) |
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Cash strapped employer of world renowned economist Paul Krugman gives MoveOn a deep discount for their slanderous ad against General Petraeus
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Seventy-year-old convict released from prison, gets arrested in the next day. Brooks was here
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| (Some Guy) |
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Study finds eating one chocolate cookie a day can add 20 pounds on an energetically-balanced child in four years
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Deputy uses taser to subdue a wheelchair-bound man during court. Then things get weird
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New research finds chocolate isn't addictive and the researchers can quit any time they want. They just don't want to quit right now
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Yesterday: General Petraeus and Ambassador Crocker. Today: Spongebob Squarepants and Dora the Explorer
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| (WESH) |
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Two police officers ordered to undergo counseling after wrestling an alligator that was harassing citizens. Crikey
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| (Domo Arigato) |
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Photoshop this robot into an exciting life
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| (Some shrinkage) |
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Summers in Bismarck, ND and Houghton, MI are spent talking trash over which city will own the coveted snow-angel record on Dec. 26
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| (The Local) |
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Handbags and makeup all the rage among Swedish men. Hunting all the rage among Swedish women. Oh Thor, what twisted games you play
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Putin dissolves Russian government
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| (Some Guy) |
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7.9-magnitude quake rocks Jakarta, tsunami warning issued
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If you cried the first time you saw "Old Yeller," you won't stand a chance with this story about canine companionship
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If you invite a co-worker over to your home for a threesome with your girlfriend and then you can't get it up, you have no right to take your frustrations out by stabbing your co-worker
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Chinese man set to be deported from Australia because of criminal charges hospitalized after swallowing razor blades. Said to be all cut up inside
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Jail can change a girl: Paris and 50 Cent may be a couple
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Student's cell-phone screensaver leads to a pot bust because it shows him standing in a patch of marijuana plants. What a dope
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| (NBC5i) |
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Second woman almost kicked off Southwest flight because she looked hotter than the waitresses working the flight (with pic)
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Let me see if I got this right: Hot teacher/young boy is okay. Hot teacher/young girl is rare, but okay. Male teacher/young girl not okay. But where do we stand on male teacher/young boy again?
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I can has 10 Downing Street? (With pic)
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Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe announces his resignation
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| (NY Daily News) |
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School fails to call emergency responders when student suffers stroke because principal banned 911 calls for "any reason"
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Catholic high schools hold game as part of Volley for the Cure, but won't donate the proceeds to Komen for the Cure due to Planned Parenthood ties. (reg site, article in thread)
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Cop who was caught on video threatening to make up charges is suspended
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$1,500 shoe looks like Lego. Your girlfriend wants it anyway
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Zoo displays abandoned two-month-old Florida panther cub as new exhibit (with awesomely cute photo gallery)
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| Tue September 11, 2007 |
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If you're going to renovate the entire second floor of your home to grow pot, make sure your electrical wiring is up to code
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Actual headline: "Vaginal rejuvenation" unnecessary, not safe
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| (americablog) |
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Pentagon calls BS on the Petraeus Report
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The Minnesota toe-sucking bandit mugshot has been released. Folks, please keep liquids out of your mouths before clicking (mugshot photo hilarity)
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Today's "witless thief who tried to rob a bank using his own checkbook" story brought to you from Englewood, Colorado
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Survival experts doubt Steve Fossett will be found alive as the search enters its ninth day
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| (Some wedding) |
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Caption subbies bridal party line while they are waiting around for the cue to do something
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Bills TE Everett able to move arms and legs, might be able to walk out of hospital
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Animal rights idiots continue to free wild animals from farms, which then have to be hunted down and killed. Good jorb, asshats
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Amsterdam mayor proposes three-day waiting period for 'shrooms. Alice will just have to wait 72 hours to get tall
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Instead of a life sentence, a confessed rapist will get 25 years behind bars if he gets castrated in the next week
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♫ There's a killer on the road / His brain is squirmin' like a toad / The clinic where he stayed / Let him walk away / Now New Jersey cops report / He could be headed north / Killer on the road / Yeeaahh ♫
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| (NewsChannel 5) |
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Judge steps in and says New Mexico can't have Nashville's vagina art
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In old Soviet Union, babies conceived *for* a car, not *in* one
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| (The Times Picayune) |
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One of these two is lying: A New Orleans hooker or a Republican senator. Guess who passed the polygraph test
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New study claims people are fat because their neighborhoods are not "walkable." And CNN trots this out as news
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Bush to reduce troop levels by 30,000 as first sign of walking away with his tail between his legs
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Super-scientific Old Farmer's Almanac claims that summer of 2008 will be warmest in 100 years
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Family who found condom in soup can tasted extra noodle, will play game of chicken with Campbell's
|
| (Broadcasting & Cable) |
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Not only did ABC World News Now's Ryan Owens and Taina Hernandez think the Owen Wilson suicide attempt was giggily good fun, but terrorism, wildfires, breast cancer and the Iraq war crack them up, too
|
| (WTVQ) |
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High school principal tells a newspaper sports editor he was no longer allowed to cover the homecoming football game from the press box because of a story he wrote about high school racial tension
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Fed up with corrupt politicians, thousands of Italians attend "F*ck-Off Day" rally for political reform
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| (WISTV.com) |
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In an effort to revive the housing market, South Carolina decides to start including hand grenades with new homes
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Kiddie-porn movie rocks Toronto Film Festival. It certainly has FoxNews all hot and bothered
|
| (Jim Hill) |
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We've all heard what it was like to be in Manhattan or D.C. on 9/11/01. What was it like at Disney World?
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Bin Laden's beard baffles chief U.S. spy. Tom Cruise's beard waiting for another round with the turkey baster
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As we pause today to remember those lost during 9/11 attacks, countless nut jobs call in bomb threats to hospitals, schools and businesses across country to express their psychoses
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Colbert went to rehab. But pulled a Lohan and kept the drugs
|
| (WESH.com) |
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Endeavour astronauts who survived landing with gash in shuttle to visit Disney and die on their rides
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Rights to name 10 new species (including a walking shark) up for auction. Fark shark, anyone? GoldenPalace.com Monkey (Callicebus aureipalatii) already taken
|
| (Some Vandal) |
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Theme: Vandalize a famous piece of architecture or building. LGT (lame) example
|
| (WPVI) |
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Ginseng hunter finds a 100-year-old wild root in Maryland that's worth thousands of dollars
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Study finds conservatives process information faster than liberals
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Indonesian court to Time Magazine: "You defamed Dictator Suharto. Pony up $106 million." Time Magazine: "Um, yeah. I don't think so"
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Not news: Woman has purse snatched. News: Crowd of onlookers chase down and catch thief. Fark: Thief turns out to be a policeman. Awkward
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FCC tries to ensure that customers won't get screwed by the 2009 digital-only TV signal
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As a mugger, the last phrase you want to hear about the helpless-looking guy you've decided to rob is "world class blind Judo expert." Stupid mugger trifecta now in play
|
| (NOAA) |
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NOAA has a fight song. AudioEdit a fight song for another federal agency
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A majority of Americans view the events of 9/11 as the "most significant historical event" of their lives. Hero tag for all those whose brave sacrifices showed the very best of our country on our very worst day
|
| (WEWS) |
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If you left your gas receipt in one of the trucks you stole, you were on TV last night (with pics)
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"What, are you kidding me?" asks 74-year-old intended victim of 31-year-old armed mugger. Since this is Fark, you know what happens next
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Al-Qaida says second bin Laden video coming. DVD boxed set still in the works
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Vegan teacher quits his job and files a child-endangerment lawsuit against school... because they serve milk
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Not news: Man follows woman from work. News: Man robs woman of keys and cell phone. Fark: Man takes off her shoes and licks her toes
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Couple checked into a Travelodge in 1985 and liked it so much, they never checked out. "There is always something going on outside our window"
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Woman kidnapped, tortured for a week by West Virginia family (with "The Hills Have Eyes" mugshot goodness)
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Police bust ring of oxygen-machine thieves. Public breathing a little bit easier
|
| (Some Gal) |
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Teen's yearbook photo banned for flower
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A mother has left four kids sitting unattended in a car. Do you: A) Point out to her that this is dangerous? B) Ask a police officer to point out that this is actually an offense? Or C) Try to strangle her?
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Elementary school's automated message system calls hundreds of parents, asking them why their kids are absent from school. Hilarity ensues
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Ben & Jerry's offers reward of five years' free ice cream for arrest of man who stole employee tip jar. That's Americone justice at work
|
| Mon September 10, 2007 |
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Boys set fire to coackroaches, burn down home
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TSA wants to inform you that you can now carry lighters on board but the dead body of your internet bride in your luggage is STILL not allowed
|
| (Some Guy) |
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The world's smartest bird has died
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New magazine for Latina readers won't have airbrushed celebrities on the cover and will focus on things like higher education. Check back in eight weeks for a story about the magazine folding
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Remorseful thief returns a laptop, camera and wallet he stole from a home, as well as a basketball, $150 in cash, and an IOU for the broken window
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Utah schools will not observe 9/11 anniversary this year so they won't disturb the kids who don't remember it
|
| (Some Guy) |
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In the year 2000 as told by the French in 1910
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Old and busted: Security guards. New hotness: Security snakes
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Overprotective parents never allow their children to cross the street on their own. Children never learn to look out for cars, and drivers become less accustomed to seeing them on the road. Darwin works in mysterious ways
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To avoid traffic jams, German town to remove all traffic lights and stop signs from downtown, moves to honor system
|
| (The Hill) |
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Never one to miss a chance to get attention, Cindy Sheehan gets arrested outside Petraeus hearing
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