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| Sun August 05, 2007 |
| (Some Guy) |
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Father of young daughter ennumerates his Seven Deadly Sins of Kiddie Culture (w/ examples)
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| (Bellingham Herald) |
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Would all of the indicators of a robust economy please step forward? Hold on a second there, livable wage
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Texas requires a note from your godless hippie parents if you don't wanna say "God" in the new mandatory state pledge
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| (NMB 6) |
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The Florida Tag hops a fence and spends a warm Sunday in Washington, D.C
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While men have sex on the brain, women it seems, have it more in the nose
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| (CFR) |
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Atheist Diversionary Tactics. Bonus: author has quite the vocabulary
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| (Some Barber) |
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Police summoned to arrest a hair dresser who refused to tell a decidedly non-fabulous meter maid how old he was
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Photoshop this person and her golf cart
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| (KOTV-OKC) |
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Watermelon is now the official vegetable of Oklahoma. Wait... what?
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Which city has the best graffiti? You might be surprised
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| (Nashville Scene) |
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Welcome to the Christian Nudist Convocation, "A semi-annual gathering of salt-of-the-earth folks whose dedication to being nude whenever possible is rivaled only by their love for Christ"
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Maybe getting drunk and then practicing martial arts with an armed opponent isn't such a hot idea (realizes idiot on his way to the hospital for thumb-reattachment surgery)
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Even though a major hurricane has not hit Manhattan in 70 years, the city has spent $15 million on hurricane supplies for the upcoming season
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| (WWTDD) |
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Man killed at Ving Rhames house likely suffered a heart attack, not mauled to death as was previously speculated. Charges against Rhames unlikely
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| (Some Guy) |
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Presenting the Cowch. The strangest piece of furniture you'll see today
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Casting breakdowns for "Star Trek XI" characters. If you're a 25ish, tomboyish, FUN African American girl, you could be our new Uhura
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| (Giant Mag) |
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"Hey man, is that Freedom Rock?" "Yeah, man." "Well, turn it up, man!" The 50 greatest commercials of the '80s
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Just one more reason why Canada is better than the US. Land of the Free lies north of the 49th Parallel
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Russian police fear "chessboard killer" has murdered 62 people as part of his own personal game. Another 2 were merely captured en passant
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| (My San Antonio) |
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White male police officer charged with beating a young black lesbian over her request that he not smoke. My god, it's like a smorgasbord of issues and hot buttons just waiting to be explored
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| (Fredricksburg.com) |
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Police connect pharmacy robbery to local clown, proving that police are finally catching on to submitter's General Clown Relativity Theory: All clowns are inherently evil
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man evicted from place of business because he doesn't speak Spanish
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today is National Mustard Day. Let's all honor the "King of the Condiments"
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Artist mows giant Purple Heart into grass to honor the medal's 75th anniversary. Folks who wore Purple Heart band-aids at 2004 RNC unavailable for comment
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Montana's governor thinks god is a firefighter
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this closeup encounter
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You've HAD it with your neighbor's cat. Do you a) ask them to keep it inside b) set a humane trap or c) capture the cat, take him "overseas," and leave a map in your neighbor's mailbox showing where kitty was left
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| (WordPress) |
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"Drew says being informed is 95% stupid"
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Good news: new Philly police surveillance cameras driving up arrests. Bad News: ...and driving crime into new areas of the city. Solution is obvious: they just need more cameras
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House approves $460B Pentagon budget. That's "billion", with one big ass B. Even Dr. Evil looks a bit embarrassed
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WFAN to replace Don Imus with Jersey guy known for lampooning Hispanic immigrants, Chinese people, and the mental illness of a former governor's wife. What could possibly go wrong?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption this old lady making a phone call
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| (MaineToday.com) |
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Dentist who treated patients while wearing a belly-dancing costume, and had after-hours office parties with liquor, body shots and sex, seeks to regain license
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| (Naples News) |
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Not news: Man teaches stepdaughter to drive. News: He nearly loses his leg when she runs him over. Fark: She's 30 and drunk. With mugshot goodness
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Before the game had even ended, Bud Selig issued "the least appropriate statement possible" on Barry Bonds' 755th homerun
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this future ER patient
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| (Stars and Stripes) |
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Soldier convicted of rape, murder of Iraqi girl sentenced to 110 years in PMITA prison. At least he didn't get life
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Billboard picturing two tomatoes at the base of a cucumber next to the words "thank God for serious steak" ordered removed
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Two Nevada dairy farms begin dumping milk after the discovery of a naturally occurring radioactive isotope polonium-210. Vladimir Putin asks the farmers not to be hasty, volunteers to take a few thousand gallons off their hands
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| Sat August 04, 2007 |
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Appearance of firefighter in "Guys Gone Wild" embarrasses FDNY enough to stop publication of their calendar full of scantily clad firefighters
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| (Everyone) |
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Some douchebag just hit an important home run...not that one, the other one
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| (Some Beach) |
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Photoshop what these boogie boarding beauties are looking at
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The fear mongering goes international: Australian bridges are next
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these monks on a bridge
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Donkey-sized dogs selling in China for more than half a million bucks
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Gunman opens fire inside Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas
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Homeless sex offender faces life in prison for not registering at an address because he can't find a home. Nobody will rent to him which makes him homeless, and if you are a sex offender you have to live in a home to register
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For all those who wanted Iraq bombed back to the Stone Age - congratulations
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| (Daily Bulletin) |
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Lawsuit alleges producers of MSNBC's "To Catch A Predator" bribed sheriff's deputies to set up pillars of the community, who would never utilize wine coolers to bang 14-year olds
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| (Some Defendant) |
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RIAA elevates TotalDouchebag status to UltraDouchebag status
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Another record poppy crop in Afghanistan. They must really like bagels over there
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Dear Virginia General Assembly, you really farked up that bad driver law. Sincerely, another judge ruling it unconstitutional
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Actual headline: "Crispy duck banned from Beijing toilets." First they came for the crispy duck and I said nothing
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| (Some Guy) |
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♫ Up and over the railroad tracks, the trucker drove his diesel; down the tracks an engine came, pop goes the diesel. ♫
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The creators of the "Bratz" dolls want you to know they're really about valuing friendship over social acceptance, and not just teaching your 8 year old to be a slut
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| (Poughkeepsie Journal) |
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Metro-North commuters help deliver baby on the 7:18 express from Grand Central to Poughkeepsie; riders relieved to finally have a kid on the train who's not kicking the back of their seat
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Dating columnist thinks it's okay to bone your co-workers. Then Stevie Nicks gets mentioned... oops
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Theme: Photoshop something five seconds before it becomes a Fark headline
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Homeless man inherits $50,000 and can't wait to put spinners on his shopping cart and get wi-fi installed in his cardboard box
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| (Chattanoogan) |
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Arrest warrant and $1,000 bond issued for teenager who failed to show up in court to answer a seat-belt violation. Yeah, that'll teach those dangerous seatbelt scofflaws
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LAST CALL: Minnesota Farkers, your party is happening this SATURDAY, AUGUST 4th. LGT Googlemaps, DIT
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Woman surprised to discover that the Beast of Dartmoor striking fear into the hearts of her countrymen is actually just her pet dog
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Scientists find sunshine fights breast cancer. In other news, men gain legitimate way to get women to expose their breasts in public
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Per request from emails, last Nashville Fark Party reminder. And this time we mean it. LGT last final reminder
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NY City Councilman arrested for screwing his constituents without their consent. Literally
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| (tPC) |
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Dateline NBC reporter goes undercover at Defcon 2007, gets uncovered, and flees to dead end corner of parking lot, followed by numerous onlookers
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| (Some redneck) |
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Man thinks it's a "bunch of *$%&" that he gets a second DUI. On his lawnmower
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Man learns the hard way what a reserve is on eBay after court orders him to hand over a vintage plane worth $215,000
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Woman moves to edge of Everglades and then complains about gators in her yard
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Airline goes above and beyond their normal duty of losing luggage, loses man's son instead
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Hey, remember that guy in the Bible who parted the waters and took out the entire Egyptian army? Well he's back, but he's no match for the Clean Water Act
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Thief thought he had them foiled when he swallowed the stolen loot. Then the cops brought out the bananas
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Beginners' tip: when holding a garage sale, be sure to conceal your cache of illegal weapons
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Starting in 2008, Marvin the Martian will be able to visit a library thanks to NASA. I suspect that quarter library fines will make him very angry
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| (Some Cat) |
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Firefighters perform good deed just in time for Caturday
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To those who said that was a Van Gogh painting found underneath that other painting: FAIL
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| (The Age) |
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Thief tries to steal from 7-Eleven, but gets attacked with a mop and the staff end up stealing his clothes
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| (Some Guy taking the long way) |
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Not to be outdone by Tampa, St Louis Closes "dangerous" bridge. Fearmongering Bridge Closing trifecta in play
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22-year old woman from Kansas hires a 15-year old boy for a babysitter. Well, I think you know where this is going
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Plane crashes in Florida. Two squirrels in intensive care (w/ video)
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Photoshop this strange construction
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Now that "The Monster Squad" is finally on DVD, relive the glory of Wolfman's nards in I-Mockery's review of the movie
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Man says that he is the sailor in the famous "Kissing Sailor" photo. Also says "No Kissing on his lawn" and earns "Hero" tag for serving his country
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House full of marijuana plants catches fire. Firefighters arrive on scene, forget what they were going to do when they got there, and then wander away in search of burritos
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Fudge-packing woman foiled by clogged toilet
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Brits love their Crocs shoes. Presumably because like their teeth they're ugly, come in garish shades of green, and are full of holes
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Thou shalt not roast squirrels in front of your campers
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Ugly ass baby panda born at San Diego Zoo. Someone call Ron Burgandy
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The guy in the next cubicle who works too much? He's not getting any
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| Fri August 03, 2007 |
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Today's proof that the Apocalypse is upon us, spelled out in just two words: male leggings (pic)
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| (WFTS) |
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The fear mongering continues: Tampa bridge closes due to structural issues
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Step 1: Build social-networking site. Step 2: Sell advertising. Step 3: Profit (until the advertisers see their products appearing on the pages of politically-questionable parties)
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| (Salina journal) |
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Not news: Police Chief arrested for theft. News: Chief was stealing beer. Fark.com: From the Fire Department
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Stripper revives customer with CPR after he has too much Oxycontin. All those years of slipping $5 bills into G-strings finally pays off
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If someone wants to buy your Mercedes, and they ask about GPS or engine disabling devices you may want to think twice about that test drive. Bonus: They left the keys to "their" Mercedes as collateral
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Man evades police on foot after robbery. Fark: his leg was in a cast and he needed a cane to walk
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this lady at the gate
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Mysterious laser beam is tormenting pilots over Daytona Beach (with video)
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96-year-old man and a 92-year-old woman look forward to some hot action once they get married. "You don't lose it just because you get old"
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Disney increasing ticket price to $71 for one-day visit
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L.A. Clippers star Elton Brand ruptures achilles tendon during workout on Friday
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NASA spokesman explains delay in shuttle's launch, "They were literally trying to put 25 pounds of work in a 10-pound bag." Thanks for clearing that up, George
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| (Orilla Packet) |
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UFOs seen flying over Canada. With a picture. Of a lamp post
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First teacher to be launched in a shuttle since 1985 hopes students will learn lesson from her example, and that it won't be the lesson Christa McAuliffe's students learned
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| (Some Guy) |
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Do red shirts really die more often in Star Trek? Open up your spreadsheet and follow along with this rich Web 2.0 analysis
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| (DEFRA) |
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Foot and mouth hits the UK again, woo yay bbq season is here again
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Tree with huge bee hive falls on Fla. homes -- wild swarming ensues (with helicopter video)
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| (Some Complete Tools) |
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Tivo a show in your media room and want to watch it on the bedroom TV? Broadcasters think it should be a surchargin'
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While only three percent of British vacationers know how to say "sorry" in the language of the country they're visiting, forty percent know how to say "beer"
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NASA delays shuttle launch one day, giving Fark Admins one more day of sorting through "assplode soon" submissions
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| (Some Guy) |
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Black Muslim group outraged after raids on their bakery uncovered an arms cache
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Photoshop theme: Place Mike Rowe at the scene of a "dirty job"
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Southern Christian Leadership Conference making plans to honor Michael Vick, 'cause there ain't nothing more Southern Christian than a good downhome dogfight
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How do you get a secret username and password out of an IRS employee? ... Just ask
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Lost Van Gogh found under another painting. Thomas Crown lights another cigar
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| (Some Fark Party Person) |
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FINAL REMINDER for Nashville Fark Party, now with DIT goodness
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The several week lead time needed to get magazines to the newsstand can lead to some unintentional hilarity. For example check out Elle's interview with Lindsay Lohan in between her rehab stay and DUI
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| (Some Guy) |
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Our favorite triple-amputee driving enthusiast sentenced to five years
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| (Dose) |
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Dose credits Fark for banishing the Spice Girls to Baghdad
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| (Some Guy) |
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Is the Internet making us stupid? Bonus: Fark mentioned
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FL State Rep Bob Allen (R-Idiot) was "just playing around" when he offered a cop 20 bucks for oral sex in a bathroom. Because who among us hasn't done this before?
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Rejoice, Denver Judge tosses asshat's lawsuit over ladies' night
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New report from the Institute For Pulling Numbers Out Of Our Ass suggests "Friday Slackers" cost firms $100 million
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Man arrested for having smoking hot girlfriend
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| (myfoxhouston.com) |
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Final Score: Houston Police 1 - Man in red mini-van who "enjoys" a good police chase and thought he could out-run the cops: 0
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| (Tech Dirt) |
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AT&T CEO says they don't promote $10 DSL because nobody wants it
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Men arrested after found in a makeshift submarine in NYC harbor. Authorities: "We don't know what they were doing. But it wasn't terrorism." One of those statements is probably false
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| (Some Guy) |
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Actual Headline: Cops say thief had 21 deodorant sticks
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Five-person panel formed to protect the independence and integrity of Dow Jones during its takeover includes an MIT professor who received $2.9 million... from News Corp
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Indian call center outsourcing to Ohio
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Meet the world's fastest hybrid, high-performance milk truck with a spoiler, lowered suspension and a biatchin' paint job. It'll blow the doors off your Prius, hippie (pic)
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John Edwards is outraged that Hillary would accept $20k from Rupert Murdoch which is $780,000 less than he received from his dealings with Rupert Murdoch
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Now that we know all our bridges are going to collapse, it's time to brush up on our "escaping-a-sinking-car" skills
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Reminder: Nashville Fark Party Saturday at Mulligan's Irish Pub, Somebody bring nametags
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| (Some MLB Team site) |
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Minnesota Twins postpone groundbreaking for new $1.1 billion stadium due to I35 bridge collapse. Apparently up until this week they didn't have any more pressing construction projects on which to spend that money
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British financial authorities would like to remind people that real £20 notes don't have a picture of Homer Simpson on them
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| (Out Campaign) |
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Atheists urge atheists to come out of the closet by wearing an "A" to make it even easier for fundies to round them up and stone them as required by the Old Testament
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this shoe
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Hollywood takes a third shot at trying to make a marketable movie about clowns and gas chambers
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10 drinks men should never order
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| (Some Frequently Ultra High Guy) |
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Russian secret weapon caused Minneapolis bridge collapse
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NYC health group shocked, ABSOLUTELY SHOCKED, that fast-food fries still have trans fat
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Man can't get into the army because a curry once made him sick
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Telemundo reporter suspended after fitting LA mayor with a flesh tuxedo. Yo quiero (w/ pix)
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| (MaineToday.com) |
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Today's misuse of 911 is from a Maine woman who lost her house key
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| (Some Guy) |
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Odd skull discovery shows evidence of interbreeding between humans and Neandertals. Geico Caveman whistles, walks away
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Your parents tell you your cat is dead. Do you a) Bury your pet and get on with life. b) Get a new cat or c) Hack your folks to death with an axe?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these athletic competitors
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In less than 24 hours, 70,000+ bridges have beed rated deficient. Heckuvajob DOT
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| (Sky News) |
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The flying cars are here! The flying cars are here!
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Headline: "Are People More Polite In Virtual Worlds?" Clearly not a Fark user
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Slashdot begins to allow users to submit, tag, discuss and vote on news stories. Sounds familiar
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| Thu August 02, 2007 |
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Democrats prove they don't support troops by passing legislation to increase home time. President dutifully threatens veto on their behalf
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| (Some Guy) |
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Young women outearn young men in NYC and other large U.S. cities. Where's your goddess now, NOW?
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| (Some Alleged Reporter) |
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Terrorist who "allegedly" drove explosive vehicle into Glasgow airport during "alleged" attack dies... allegedly
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| (Take 2) |
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Grand Theft Auto IV delayed until Q2 2008
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| (Zogby) |
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Only 24% of Americans approve of Bush's handling of the war in Iraq. So the Democrats are doing better, right? Nope. Only 3% approve of congress' handling of the war. Yes, that's not a typo: 3%
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| (Some Guy Norris) |
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Chuck Norris rescues 26 sailors. No, really
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man drowns swimming in a Great Lake. Erie
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Ugly-ass baby tigers born at the Tianjin Zoo in China, one white, one yellow. Tony seen waiting for answer from his wife about this turn of events (with ugly-ass pics)
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| (Jason) |
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Police find body in lake at summer camp... BUT THEY NEVER FOUND HIS HEAD
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August is National Sandwich Month
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Million-dollar-pants judge out of a job
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| (Asheville Citizen Times) |
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Charges against couple inverting flag inverted
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| (Don't Panic) |
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Bar gets three day suspension after patron suffers brain seizure and spends two weeks in the ICU. Who knew they were serving Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters in Tennessee?
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Virginia judge strikes down the $3550 speeding ticket as unconstitutional
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Steinbrenner son poised to push out ailing dad and take over Yankees: "Get rid of my father"
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A new climate change study employed an unorthodox method of numerical analysis known simply as "math"
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Front runner in Argentina's presidential race states that she's "No Hillary Clinton." With hot photographic proof
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First it was gas stations. Then it was banks. Now it's supermarkets. Pretty soon, we'll live in an entirely self-serve world
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A third of Americans say that the Web has "greatly improved their lives." Drew sits back in his comfy chair, cracks open another cold one, nods his head in agreement
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| (Some Guy) |
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Since the Segway was so successful, media hype is starting to build around Dean Kamen's next big invention
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| (Record Courier) |
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Ohio considers banning abortions unless the father gives consent. Nothing to see here, move along
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| (WRAL) |
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If your water has stopped running today in Cary, NC, congratulations -- you have been drinking treated waste water
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Federal court rules against insured Katrina homeowners. Suck it, citizen
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C, the answer is always C
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Another study from the No Sh*t Institute: Fender benders found to cost more in luxury cars
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| (Some disappointed guy) |
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Welcome to West Virginia: "I'd have been very disappointed if I had come home and my house had been blown up"
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| (KTVU) |
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Reporter gunned down in a possible hit. No, it's not Geraldo. It's okay to cry
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| (Not a clown car, seriously) |
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Arkansas woman gives birth to her 17th child, can't wait to have another. Vagina. It's not a clown car
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this river scene
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Not news: Woman busted for DUI. News: Second one in three months. Fark: She's a blackjack dealer who had a revoked license to begin with and was out drinking and driving anyway. Florida: Check out her t-shirt
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No-alcohol teen night at Jersey Shore club may be cancelled because teens are showing up drunk
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| (Some Guy) |
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Minneapolis issues collective sigh of relief on news that Bush will not send FEMA in to help in wake of bridge collapse
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A bunch of Africans died in a transportation disaster today, too. Whoop-de-do
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| (WND) |
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NetNanny has WorldNetDaily blocked, listed as a "hate/violence" site
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"...and that's what I'd do as president. In conclusion, I'd like to ask you this important question: Is anybody going towards the airport? Because I need a ride." Life in the McCain campaign not as glamorous as it once was
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: Man promises free iPod via Craigslist. News: You have to come to a park after dark to claim it. FARK: Man was found with a stocking over his face, a knife and no iPod
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Although you may not approve of his need to steal, you've got to admire how much this guy wanted beer
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| (WGAL) |
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Media fear-mongering machine revving up. Are the bridges you travel on safe? EVERYBODY PANIC
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Problem: Homeless people have set up tents in your city. Solution: Make them wear pretty bracelets
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| (HBO) |
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One boy's horror of the first time he saw underneath his father's robe: "There was a wizard on a hilltop shooting lightning...I saw a llama run down to his taint" (sponsored link)
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Church and state no longer separate, literally, as Texas students will have to add four words to their state pledge this year: "One state, under God"
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Want to see how some of your favorite beautiful actresses have aged over the years? Well here they are anyway... (with too many pics)
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Cop: "See what happens if you ring that bike bell again..." Guy: "Ring-ring"
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| (Reason) |
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Mississippi "bite mark analyst" may have wrongly sent man to death row, weirdly compares himself to Jesus and Itzhak Perlman
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| (Daily Herald) |
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Columbia leads all nations with 18 public holidays annually. Among them are "Seriously, We ARE Trying To Stop Drugs Day" and "Juan Valdez Memorial Day"
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Welcome back to America, you're under arrest. The computer says so
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Aztec pyramid ruins found in Mexico City, rumored to be built entirely out of Canel's Chiclets
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| (WFSB) |
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After printing out the nude photos you took of your hot 20-year-old stepdaughter while she was sleeping, you might want to remember to take them out of you pocket before your wife sees them
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Professor whose wife left him for Ted Turner writes in email to colleagues: "It is very common for a woman to be drawn to men who remind them of their childhood abusers"
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Tired of traffic wardens, shopkeeper plays WWII air raid siren noise through a 1000 watt PA system whenever one is spotted
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Judge found with loaded handgun in her carry-on luggage allowed to continue her flight. Airline spokesman says, "She was not handled any differently than any other person would be at the airport." O RLY?
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Excellent news, my lord -- because of the attempted terrorist attacks, we can now ban climate change protests at airports
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| (The Capital Times) |
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Man repeadedly rams car after hooker leaves him without finishing job
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| (Ditto Head) |
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Happy birthday to the Rush Limbaugh Show. Nineteen years of balance to the liberal media conspiracy, and counting
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Reminder for NYC farkers: Come help a TFette celebrate her 30th birthday on Friday August 3rd. LGT original thread
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Rove refuses to testify at congressional witchhunt
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| (Clitheroe Advertiser and Times) |
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Local newspaper letter writer urges "return to sanity"... before firing off £1m bomb threat that closed 14 branches of national supermarket
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Fat guy sentenced to 18 months for cheating 64 restaurants. Do the math
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Man fined for making obscene noises and claiming he was orgasmic while under treatment by a woman dentist
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| (Hmmmm... bacon) |
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Theme: Photoshop something that could be improved with bacon
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At least five victims from Minnesota bridge collapse have had their condition upgraded to "alive"
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| (Yorkshire Evening Post) |
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Man buys what he thinks is a new phone only to find a video on it of a previous owner jerking off
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"While searching his home, police uncovered a 'large amount' of video showing Dills masturbating to and having sex with various traffic signs"
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| (Some White House) |
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Tony Snow catches Giuliani Disease. Q: "Tony, how can the president say he's a fiscal conservative by vetoing a $22 billion program when the CBO now estimates the Iraq war will cost $1 trillion?" A: "9/11"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Uber-hawt geek goddess Morgan Webb starts a new tech vlog and links to Fark
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| (KARE) |
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Security camera video of Minneapolis bridge collapse
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Taxi company keeps human heart on ice before delivery. Didn't they do that in Rat Race with Mr. Bean too?
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| (Some woodchuck) |
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Remember, when you shoot a guy in self defense for breaking in to your house to steal your weed, burying the body in a shallow grave isn't really going to help
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Old and busted: U.S. sports stars and dog fights. New hotness: Crazy Japanese kids and beetle wars
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| (SuicideGirls.com) |
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Wil Wheaton reviews Comic-Con. Geeks rejoice
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Batman, Robin, Superman and Spiderman had to be rescued when their car broke down on a highway. No, this is not the start to a joke
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Media swarms to hearing for world's most famous armless, one-legged scofflaw driver (pics)
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Germany's museums issue catalog of cultural treasures it claims were stolen from country during World War II, including world's smallest violin -- which you can hear playing as you peruse said catalog
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| (Some Guy) |
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You might be a redneck if you burn down a house to get rid of mosquitos
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| (Farktography) |
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 117: "Tools of the trade." Description: Every job has a set of tools that go with it. Photograph them. Doesn't have to be your job
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| Wed August 01, 2007 |
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Al Qaeda releases new video threatening "wait for the big surprise"
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Perhaps the only time you'll ever read a headline with the words "parakeet" "frog" "chameleon" and "sex tape"
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United States of America versus one man's watch. No joke. They convicted the dude. Now, they're suing his watch
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More Americans would rather kiss a dog on the lips than kiss a stranger on the cheek
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Newest Fisher Price toy? Poison Me Elmo
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| (Some Guy) |
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Worst tattoo ever
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Russians to drop flag on ocean floor at North Pole, since planting a flag somewhere means you own it forever and no nation would ever take it over for their own purposes
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Hot Indianapolis couple arrested for having midday sex in a car parked in front of a day care center. With sexy mug shot goodness
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| (KSTP.com) |
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Freeway bridge collapses in Minneapolis during rush hour. Few details as of yet
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| (Some Guy) |
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Disney to remake "Snow White." Bonus: It will be 19th century Hong Kong epic. "Once she finds out she is destined to defeat something sinister, she is trained by seven Shaolin monks to do battle against the forces of evil"
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Angry monkey on the loose in Tupelo after unlocking his cage. They're getting smarter. EVERYONE PANIC
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Will all the Australian expatriates that think they are allowed to purchase Dow Jones please step forward. Whoa, not so fast Rupert
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| (Some Sad Guy) |
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Wonder where all the LSD went? Thank these guys
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New bill would put the FDA in charge of cigarettes and ban clove cigarettes completely
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First paragraph: Last year a record 10,942 Americans moved to Canada, mostly to get away from Bush. Fourth paragraph: Last year 23,913 Canadians also moved to the US, presumably to get away from Canada's superior health care or something
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One in ten Austin drivers have a warrant out for their arrest because the legislature thought taxing tickets would do a heckuva job raising revenue
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Photoshop this spool pusher
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| (Florida Today) |
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Beer truck flips over on I-95. Fire rescue crews respond with beer mugs only to find it's just Budweiser
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Florida man stockpiles 20,000 cubic yards of horse manure in his yard in illegal composting operation. He's in even deeper shiat now
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Attention young sportscasters: Don't say that Michael Vick would have been better off if he had raped a woman instead of organizing a dogfighting ring
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Hint to would be bank robbers: if you wear a miniskirt and a low cut top, you may attract unwanted attention (with pic)
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Twice a day, this squirrel walks into the store, gets a "Kinder Surprise" chocolate-shelled egg, unwraps it, eats it, and leaves with the toy inside
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Regular gas vs Premium gas. Car Talk sets us straight
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| (Joystiq) |
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For some reason, a video game featuring a white man shooting black zombies has some people getting all uppity
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"The vertically-challenged stop fields the ball, throwing it to the first baseperson..."
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| (Some Drunk) |
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Amtrak offers $100 in free booze to overnight passengers. One catch: Get drunk and they'll leave you in the middle of a National Forest
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British Columbia mulls legal challenge to anti-polygamy law. State of Utah mulls moving to British Columbia
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| (Belfast Telegraph) |
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Britain excitedly points at something behind America, shouts "what the fark is that?", waits for the head to turn and runs like hell
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| (Boy Gossip) |
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Sir Elton John would like the internet shut down for five years
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| (The Daily Mash) |
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"Cannabis Now Worse Than the Nazis"
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| (Editor and Publisher) |
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Job of journalist in the bottom ten of most prestigious. "Firefighter"comes in first, followed by "owner of snarky not-news aggregator site"
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Brain-damaged man finally regains ability to speak after 6 years. Ozzy Osbourne unavailable for comment
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While cleaning out her shed of clutter, woman comes across an anti-tank round. Oh come on, like this hasn't happened to you too
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Wall Street Journal reporters not happy with Murdoch takeover. "We held a wake. We stood around a pile of Journals and drank whiskey."
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| (4) |
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U
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'Beaver-Wetter', 'Aikin-Johnson' 'Wacker-Dailey' and more in this cutting-edge expose on when NOT to hyphenate your name (pics)
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| (Popular Mechanics) |
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Ten worst disasters of the 20th century. Number 8: Birth of Andy Dick
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| (USGS) |
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7.2 magnitude earthquake strikes near Vanuatu. Everybody panic, mate
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In today's championship battle between Charles Darwin and Rube Goldberg, man hikes into remote wilderness and chains self to tree for six days in failed suicide attempt
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Keith Richards writing his memoirs. Will be translated from his native mumble language, detail his Revolutionary War service, and contain general weirdness
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When fleeing the scene of an auto accident, be sure you haven't left your license plates behind
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If you're going to spread oil all over the floor of a grocery store and fake a fall, make sure the surveillance cameras aren't rolling. With video
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Remember that "alcohol causes colon cancer" article? Just drink some coffee and you're good to go. Submitter off to find a case of Buzz Beer
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Rupert Murdoch usually gets what he wants. Seriously, that's what the story is about. No, honest to god, it really is
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Not news: Guy has a terrible driving record, lotta drug charges. News: He leads police on a high speed chase. Fark: He doesn't have any arms or legs. Florida: He drives legally using his stumps, toes and teeth. With mug shot goodness
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Actual headline: "Call police if offered women's undies"
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78 years ago, the parents of this Ohio man decided to name him "Harry Potter." It's not such a magical decision now
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Father and son dressed in blackface as Barry Bonds and his trainer have their giant syringe and three-foot asterisk confiscated at Dodgers stadium, but still get to enjoy booing Bonds
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Debate over America's oldest city heats up as St. Augustine wants Jamestown to help them tell Plymouth to get off the lawn
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Last month: France helps arrange payment of $400 million to Libya to release hostage nurses. This month: Libya buys $130 million in French missiles. Hmmm
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Rumsfeld says Pat Tillman's family deserved to know the truth about how he died. Just not the real truth, and certainly not right away
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| (Indiana Gazette) |
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Local paper speculates that Fark is Rupert Murdoch's next takeover target since reporters use it frequently to locate story ideas. Photoshop the potential result
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If you're going to go into an office to ask for donations to cover the costs of your daughter's death, make sure your daughter isn't waiting in the car. With mug shot hilarity
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Current mayors should avoid certain part-time jobs, like being a bouncer at a strip club
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| (Some Guy) |
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Catholic priests to preach that tax evasion is a sin. Unless you're a multi-national corporation headquartered in the Vatican whose extensive properties are largely exempt from taxation. Then it's OK
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| (WMC-TV) |
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News: Dog bites man. Strange: Man bites dog. Fark: Dog shoots man
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Steel beam falls 50 feet from bridge under construction, hits FedEx truck. Driver escapes with sprained ankle. Ta-da!
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Nashville Fark Party Saturday at Mulligan's Irish Pub, DIT
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| (Some DCist'er) |
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Madame Tussaud's opening a new wax museum in Washington D.C., features Marion Barry in a special "Scandal Room." No word on how they will get the wax to hold up next to the burning crack pipe
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The last eight Jews in Baghdad don't want to go to Israel because they've heard such bad things about it on government TV for so many years
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Remember that police chase the other day when the guy said he was taking his sick cat to the vet? Turns out he has a bunch of dead cats at his house
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Another British TV network busted making stuff up in documentary. BBC edges cautiously towards moral high ground
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Why we mock Scientology: "We're made most uncomfortable by that which is most like us"
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Pittsburgh Fark Party Planning -- yadda yadda beer yadda yadda North Park yadda yadda August 11th yadda yadda DIT
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If you fake a back injury to get out of your sumo wrestling, don't go on TV playing soccer
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When you clean out the tiger pen, be sure to lock the tiger up first
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More pretards preloading on cheap booze before pretending they're not idiots
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"Children's Fight Club" leads Tory MP to demand Justice Minister Straw censor "violence and criminality" from the Innerwebs. At least 'til the droogs get the rubberband around their bits
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| (CBS) |
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CBS comes up with a totally original, groundbreaking TV show concept: 40 children, ages 8-15, running a town with no adults for 40 days. What could possibly go wrong?
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| (Redding.com) |
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102-year-old man credits his longevity to half-and-half, cream-of-wheat, mayonnaise, bacon, butter and general orneriness
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"Britain has lost the art of socialising the young." You were about to submit this with a better headline before one of the little chavs on your street broke your nose with a Glasgow kiss
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this very lonely astronaut
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Supermarkets and major sporting stadiums could become holding cells for shoplifters and football hooligans
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Texas group plans to deliver Bibles with morning newspapers. Even those in the Bible Belt think this is a pretty stupid idea
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| (Some Guy) |
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Dick Cheney accuses Hillary Clinton of treason
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Seven Yankees hit eight home runs, but none of them belong to A-Rod
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OJ Simpson, regarding "If I Did It": "That's not how I did it." I might be paraphrasing the quote
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| (NewsChannel 9) |
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Man goes nuts when ex-wife posts vacation pictures on MySpace, including 14-year-old daughter in a bikini. With bonus footage of the teen all over the local TV newscast
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| Tue July 31, 2007 |
| (Some Guy) |
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Society is splitting into intellectual, tech-savvy Eloi versus anti-Science Morlocks
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Welcome to Mt. Holly, Mn. Population: 4. Here the mayor is also the "chamber of commerce, justice of the peace and town drunk."
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Study finds that lust is biggest motivator for sex. In other news, hunger is the biggest motivator to eat
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| (Some Guy) |
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Dow Jones industrials lost nearly 150 points because of **shakes overused Magic 8-Ball that gives subby a dirty look** renewed concerns about soured home loans
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| (Some Guy) |
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Kevin Zuccato, head of Australian Crime Centre, says terrorists can gain training in games such as World of Warcraft - a simulated environment, using weapons that are identical to real-world armaments
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Update: That moderate drinking that was good for your health several months ago has been found not to be good for your health until the next study that says otherwise
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Rupert Murdoch has gained control of the Wall Street Journal. EVERYBODY PANIC
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Letter censuring general in Tillman case released
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Man wins lottery. Twice. By mistake
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Cheney admits to being wrong
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Hot teenage girl's self-portrait ends up on cover of hardcore DVD (so she's suing) (not safe for work)
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"Plants make actual voice calls to owners to inform them of its needs." Just when you thought it was safe to be a vegetarian. Damn you, damn you all to heck
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this bottled brew
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Not to be outdone by San Francisco, New Jersey picks up the needle exchange program. Tourism expected to soar
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High demand / low supply causes prices to rise, Ric Romero reporting... no really
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| (Some Guy) |
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Another uneventful day in Vermont, another man caught sexually molesting cows
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Oil settles above $78 a barrel because of **shakes Magic 8 Ball** reports of new violence in Nigeria. Bonus: sets new price record
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| (Some Guy) |
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Documents prove that Yahoo knew it was helping Chinese police locate and arrest pro-democracy dissidents by tracking their e-mails. But we have always done business with Eastasia
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| (Some Guy) |
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Chief Justice John Roberts now classified as epileptic. Your honors, for my final argument -- lightswitch strobe light
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Pat Tillman was murdered for threatening to go public with his anti-war stance. Get your tinfoil hats ready
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Gary Coleman cited for disorderly conduct in Utah. In other news, Gary Coleman lives in Utah?
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Turns out Paris will get her grampa's billion$$ after all. Followup tag turns to yesterday's Hero tag, smirks, says "That's hot."
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Asking for a raise? That's a shootin'
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| (4) |
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C
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| (Some busybody small-town blog) |
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Stoners win criminals of the year award after inviting cops in while they're toking up. Hey, that talking dog warned them about the eeeviillls of marijuana
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| (NWF Daily News) |
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Man falls out of car while trying to spit. Guess which state
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| (Some Guy) |
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Locals: "Stop using your siren so much." Fire Company: "We need it for emergencies." Locals: "Someone hitting a deer is not an emergency, nor is a tree down on a road." Fire Company: "9/11"
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People are rude and mean to one another over the Internet. Congrats on yet another Pulitzer, Ric
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Good: Teenage boys have never had more opportunities to fondle teenage breasts. Bad: the breasts in question belong to the boys themselves
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Corruption is casting a dark cloud on the rebuilding of Iraq, reports correspondent Geewhiz Yathinkso
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Good Samaritans get rewarded for helping wrong-way driver -- with shower of human spit
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It's official: Shark Week has... well... you know. I'm Arthur Fonzarelli, and I approved this headline
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Beer in space: A short but frothy history
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Name control to Major Singh, your application's read there's something wrong, can you fix it Major Singh
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Five-year old boy wins Ontario Regional Hide-and-Seek Championship
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NY corrections officer finds out that today is not "bring a grenade to work day"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Minister arrested. Maybe it was the open vodka bottle, or the pills. Maybe it was the sex act he offered the cops. Or maybe it was the way he peed in front of those kids at the car wash while wearing a skirt
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Panel approves new cigarette warnings but doesn't tell us what they are yet. Photoshop what you think the new labels will look like
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McDonald's salads are saltier than a Big Mac
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Second graders take on lunch lady and win in epic fight over green beans
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Consumer confidence hits six year high. Quick, someone blame Bush
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Britney Spears is officially single again. Line starts ... Hey, where did everybody go?
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| (New Line Cinema) |
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Surrender to the opportunity to win a trip to Paris. (Sponsored Link)
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Environmentalists stunning fish with electricity in effort to monitor falling numbers are discovering that fish frequently stunned by electricity are too freaked out to mate
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Headline: "Smoking one joint as bad as five cigarettes." Actual article: "five cigarettes" is the high end of the range, and only tobacco smokers develop emphysema. Oh, and nobody smokes two packs of joints per day
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| (NY Sun) |
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Slow news day as the New York Sun defends against a Washington Post editorial which criticized... Oreo cookies. "It was a vicious and unwarranted attack on a perfectly respectable sandwich cookie"
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What's that loud snorting sound?
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Man puts up naked mannequin display to offend his neighbors and the city of Sarasota, which is a city in a popular peninsula-shaped state
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Hottest trend in Turkey is male belly dancing. There, now that submitter has put that image in your head, you can spend the rest of the day trying to get it out. You're welcome
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Their research complete, Iran unveils its ultimate weapon. Said to be the largest of its kind ever developed in the world, as the peoples of all nations look on with fear and awe. That's right: Carpets of Mass Construction
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| (WGAL) |
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Feds consider forcing alcohol producers to provide more ingredient information on label. Unclear whether Natural Light will finally admit to using all-natural mule urine
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Worshipper chops off own hand, offers it to Hindu goddess at temple. You know, most people just put a few bills in the collection plate
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| (KSDK) |
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Yoiks and awaaaaaaaaay... BLAM. Yoiks, aaand..awaaaayyyyy... BLAM
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School head ruins the new Harry Potter book for pupils by reading out the final page on the last day of term
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Spice Girls allow people to vote on cities for their upcoming reunion tour. Let's vote for them to appear in Baghdad, Iraq
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| (MaineToday.com) |
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Maine man quite unhappy when a truckload of chicken manure spills all over his yard. And his cars, and his snowmobile, and his garage. "It was like a tsunami wave of hot chicken (manure)"
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| (Cincy Enquirer) |
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Judge invents choose-your-own-adventure style sentencing for library thief. If you want to pay restitution, turn to page 46. If you want to spend an extra 18 months in jail, turn to page 99
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