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| Sun May 13, 2007 |
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Oldest motorist in UK has never sat a driver's test, because they weren't invented when she started driving in the early 1930s
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Worried about her upcoming prison term starting June 5, Paris Hilton is going to learn Karate and seven other Japanese words
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Moosehead president says Canadian beer industry disappearing
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Three youths rescued from cave. No word yet on whether the kids found a cursed tiki
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Joey & Amy: These two crazy kids might just make it after all
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| (Daily Southtown) |
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10 month old child receives his Firearm Owner's Identification Card. Hopefully a better shot than Dick Cheney
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When breaking into a police station try to avoid getting stuck in one of the prison cells
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| (Some Guy) |
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Mexican doctor busted for replacing drug dealers' fingerprints with foot skin
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Grandparents of 12-year-old girl sue after female substitute teacher shows "Brokeback Mountain" in class. Apparently class voted for "Sordid Sorority Sisters 3" but was overruled
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Disabled Army vet offers to mow lawns to pay for his dog's operation. Your dog wants-never mind what your dog wants, this is the dog of a man who's served his country admirably
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The RIAA is making students an offer they can't refuse: Pay us $3,000 or we'll sue you. "Legally, it probably makes sense, because we don't have the money to fight.", says one shaken down college student
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California sea lion joins childrens' walk-a-thon; seeks bukket
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A German sex toy company has been ordered to pay 50,000 euros in damages to two German football stars after selling vibrators named for them during last year's World Cup
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Hair thieves in Myanmar are stealing ponytails. Patchouli-scented hackey sackers flee in tears
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| (Some Guy) |
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Darwin and mothers agree, don't play with scissors
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| (madison.com) |
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Man's head run over by truck. Head stays intact, bicycle helmet crushed (with pic)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption this guy and his gun
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Mail falls on mail scanning device, which then beeps. Obviously, this led to evacuations and mayhem
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| (Some Guy) |
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Ugly-ass wood bison born at the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center (w/video)
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441-year-old St. Augustine miffed over Jamestown's 400-year birthday walking across its lawn
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Theme: If product placement deals had existed all throughout history...
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man runs gambling room in a secret part of his house, while his children and wife live in another secret part of the house that was infested with rats and maggots
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Scientist "who has studied marijuana for 30 years" finds no link between pot and cancer, craves Taco Bell
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MC Hammer declared web 2.0 expert by eminent consortium of computer experts
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Triumph of the Underpants: Bryan Ferry dropped as menswear spokesman by Marks & Spencers after expressing admiration for films of Leni Riefenstahl
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| (Khaleej Times) |
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Today's $6.8m number plate brought to you by Abu Dhabi and Currency Converters
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Mullah Dadudallah killed after endless taunts
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Pizza delivery driver shoots and kills would-be robber. What do you want on your Tombstone?
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Will you marry me? This proposal will self destruct in 30 seconds
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| (WMTW.com) |
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When spending your $200,000 inheritance, it's best that the benefactor is dead first
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| (Some Guy) |
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Going out of business sales are going out of business. Hurry before the sale ends
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Tiananmen Square portrait of Chairman Mao damaged by flaming projectile hurled by local crazy man. LMAO
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Man finds 40mm sewing needle in his chicken the hard way
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Don't just stand there... bust a move
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| (KATU.com) |
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You know all those teachers having sex with students? Oregon wants to help the problem become an epidemic. GO OREGON
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this massive Moroccan mural
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| (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) |
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WV mom is badly burned saving son from house fire, gives birth to second child while still in burn unit
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Ho killed by hoe
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5,500 play in record coconut orchestra. European Swallow Union complaining they weren't called in for transport
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Turtle tries several times to lay eggs on Central Park ice skating rink. Due to its odd behavior, biologists have fitted the reptile with a Philadelphia Flyers jersey
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| (Some Guy) |
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Stop... Hammertime
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South Korea's richest businessman kidnaps karaoke bar waiters, and takes them to a remote mountain area. Then, the beatings begin
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King of Samoa dies, Girl Scouts to fight heirs for rights to his delicious cookie recipe
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Happy Mother's Day to all Farkmothers and mothers of Farkers - share mom stories and love
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World's largest floating bookstore opens in port of Fukuoka, Japan
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Ballistics expert who was the first non-governmental specialist allowed to examine the evidence in President Kennedy's assassination dies of natural causes. Or at least, that's what they would have you believe
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Murfreesboro principal may soon have Murfreestime after telling all her elementary school kids that a gunman was loose in the school
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| (Some Guy) |
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The naked truth on recruiting challenges for nudist colonies
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| (Patna Daily) |
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Potatowned
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| (northjersey.com) |
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Get well card urges inmate to get back on his horse
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If you own a broadband intertubes service provider, please make sure to have the FBI's key copy to the front door ready by Monday, or else... Exactly
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German-speaking Texans create their own local dialect in which skunks are referred to as "die Stinkkatze" and George W. Bush is referred to as "das Boob"
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Granny jailed for caging grandson. Now who will protect the lawn?
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83-year old Holocaust survivor refuses to meet her son after he searched for her for 17 years
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| (Some Guy) |
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Woman dies after being ejected from motorcycle and then struck by ambulance
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"British Asians see a society that hardly inspires them to integrate. They see aspects of Britain which are a threat to the values they hold dear. Britain needs to integrate more with the Asian way of life, not the other way around"
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Man who won Supreme Court decision saying mentally ill patients cannot be forced to take their medication goes crazy and stabs his roommate
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Unidentified explosion in Russian junkyard kills Sanfordsky & Son
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What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being the farking guy who's going to be competing in the PMITA Olympics
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Sake may power cars, karaoke singers in the future
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this land yacht driver
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| (KPHO-TV) |
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Dentist tackles blowfish fangs. Fish's annual office visit a teeth-grinding experience
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John Dillinger's relative tries to stick up 'Dillinger Days' festival
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| (Hagerstown Herald-Mail) |
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"Frankenberry appointed to county board." Count Chocula said to be considering run for state legislature
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| Sat May 12, 2007 |
| (Some Dutch Paper) |
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Bob Geldof claims Al Gore stole the idea for "Live Earth" from "Live Aid." Wants credit for inventing the Internet, too
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DaimlerChrysler group in talks to sell Chrysler division to a three-headed dog that guards the entrance to hell
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Emily and Emma were the most popular names given to baby girls born in the United States last year, while the boys were dominated by Jacobs and Michaels
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| (Some Old Geezer) |
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"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." Happy Birthday George Carlin-- Here's a list of 100 of his greatest lines
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Plane Crash in Montana kills 5 skydivers. If only they had some way of slowing their descent as they fell
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Criminal charges dropped against Boston's Light-Brite Terrorists
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Hollywood braces for writer's strike. OH NOEZ11 Who will dredge up shows from the 70s? Who will mail in sequel after sequel?
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How strip clubs plan to dance around the law
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| (Some Guy) |
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Pizzeria implicated in Fort Dix plot "under new management"
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Remember that guy last year who died having sex with a horse? Yeah there is a movie about him now
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Predictably, VT graduation marked by sorrow, sadness, and CNN putting cameras in people's faces, inviting you to "Watch students struggle with mixed emotions"
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Plant responsible for pet food contamination torn down. By owner. Just days before US FDA inspectors were scheduled to arrive. Yeah
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German court denies bald men state-funded wigs
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this red pumpkin
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Man finds cat in container of Chinese take-out
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Russian cargo ship hauls snails to International Space Station. So really it's more of an escargot ship
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From the unfortunate headline department: "NASA's shuttle to hit launchpad next week"
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Hey, eBay: You call that mail order? THIS is mail order
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| (Some Guy) |
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State proposes new policy for homeowners who discover alligators wandering on their surburban lawns: Don't call us; deal with it yourself
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| (Some Guy) |
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Yeah, the clown was pretty funny... up until he pulled his peener out
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Shakespeare to be adapted for manga. Kenneth Branagh last seen hacking into a cyberbrain
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Have you ever benefited from the kindness of strangers? Tell us about it
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Woman castrates young son then blames the dog
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First Lady Laura Bush says she skipped her college graduation in 1973. The commencement speaker? "Some guy named George Bush"
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From the "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" Files: Helmets attract cars to cyclist
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Man picking up litter in river becomes part of the problem when he falls in and drowns
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| (Some Ugly Guy) |
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Photoshop this creature
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Woman survives rare form of decapitation
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Prison inmates gets £100,000 driving simulator. Because it's so important that inmates be safe drivers
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Star Trek nerd who spent £30,000 turning his flat into the Voyagers flight deck has sold it for five times its market value. Still can't get laid
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Did you know Mount Rushmore is actually located in Australia?
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Parents could need permits to drive their children to school under a proposal to curb obesity
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today's "handcuffed suspect wriggles through plexiglas barrier and steals cop car" brought to you by Georgia
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Before ordering 6000 T-shirts for your stores, first make sure the cool Cyrillic script isn't a Neo-nazi slogan
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Old and busted: paying for braces for your kids. New hotness: paying for braces for your cat
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For the second time, family chases half naked man out of their 4-year-old daughter's bed
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The Leaning Tower of Surat leans no more
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| (Some Guy) |
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That guy who slept in a dumpster and was shocked, SHOCKED to end up in a garbage truck now has a lawyer. Cuz, you know, dumpsters should be a safe place for people to sleep
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| (Some Guy) |
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Since taking care of all the important issues, Wisconsin is working on making themselves the official birthplace of the burger
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Australian police claim Mythbusters "could be" inspiring students to make bombs
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Girl fighting rare, life-threatening disease gets kidney transplant. Now she has three of them
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Guy leads police on high-speed chase, ends up with his SUV trapped vertically between two overpasses (w/pic and video goodness)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Rutgers class president can't graduate with the rest of her year after being charged with burglary in student residence where she was an advisor. Would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for those pesky kids
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$35 adult slot machine diapers might be a sign that Canadians are either incredibly incontinent or enjoy gambling to an unhealthy degree
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The greatest metaphor for a woman's pubic hair ever: "[T]he map of Tasmania." (article covers sorta Not safe for work topics)
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Detroit mayor spends 8K from community fund toward family spa vacation. Motor City population decreased by 50,000 over the last 5 years. No connection though
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop those tourists staring into a hole
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China shoots down one of its own satellites for "scientific purposes." Riiiiight
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Lego - the company so non-violent that for years it refused to produce green bricks in case boys used them to build tanks - begins supplying its action figures with guns for first time
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Soccer fans in England outraged at having to pay £8 or a hamburger at stadiums. NFL fans take a swig of $10 watered-down beer and sneer
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Matthew and Tracy Pepper, married, graduate from Vanderbilt University with both earning the title of Doctor. Dr. Peppers. Get it? If not, this article will ram it down your throat with a potato masher
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| (WRAL) |
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Baptist church's sign criticizing Islam, offense ensues
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Inventor of lethal injection method of execution has suggestion for those who think it is too cruel: "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the guillotine. It can be operated by an idiot and it is a very effective instrument"
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Mrs. USA, I laugh at your public drunkenness and raise you a strangling
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| (CapitalNews9) |
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25-year-old, wounded Iraq vet doesn't understand why he can't go to his girlfriend's senior prom
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I-Mockery unearths the pilot episode of "Tag Team" - a TV show that was never greenlighted, starring Roddy Piper and Jesse Ventura as two ex-wrestlers who decide to become crime fighting cops
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| Fri May 11, 2007 |
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Fish farm workers pulled from giant vat of fish sludge
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Court rules woman who had willingly had sex with man she thought was her boyfriend in a dark room can't later claim she was raped when she discovered he wasn't
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PC gone wild: Disney worried movie not due for at least two years will be "racially offensive"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this tube head
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| (Some Beer Lover) |
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Congress is considering a bill that would cut the tax on beer by half, presumably making beer cheaper. This group is against cheap beer, but helpfully provides a list of Congressmen you can thank
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Surveillance video released of everyone's favorite crazy astronaut as she stalked her target at Orlando International Airport (with video, photos)
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| (WAOW) |
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This cow has two noses. How does it smell? Terrible. Terrible
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Rolling Stone's top five bad albums by good artists
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Bottles of bleach found in an empty field. OMG TERRISTS
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You knew it was coming: the "Celebrity Media Apology" already reduced to a pathetic marketing gimmick
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| (Some Guy) |
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Bad: Teens caught after stealing school bus. Worse: They crashed the bus into a deputy State Attorney General's car. Fark: They kidnapped the deputy State Attorney General
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Apparently it's still OK to have sex with your dog in Washington
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| (Enquirer) |
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Future Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader arrested with 2 bottles of "pure grain alchohol". Complete with kissing of strangers and running around half naked goodness
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| (Eagle Tribune) |
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Andover Massachusetts police would like to sell you several bags of panties they don't need any more
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Public urination is a big problem in Western Canada. In related news, there's something called the World Toilet Organization
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FARKtv - Give your mom the shaft
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| (Some Crazy Alaskan) |
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Man flings urine-soaked socks at police after 100mpg high speed chase
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New census data finds 'Katrina' is a surprisingly unpopular name for babies in the United States for some reason
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| (The Warden) |
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Photoshop these prison signs (and don't drop the soap)
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Barack Obama also doesn't want to see a pantyless Britney Spears. The Smoking Gun is there
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| (The Local) |
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If you're scamming the welfare system by pretending to be blind, don't let the cops catch you driving a car. Three times
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| (940 Montreal) |
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Montreal city worker ruins bar mitzvah by making rude comments, stealing and trying to sell stuff. Then things get weird
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YouTube to remove videos making fun of Thailand's idiot douchebag King Bhumibol Adulyadej
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| (Peterborough Examiner) |
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Actual Headline: "Passerby punched for no reason". Bonus: If you said 'drug deal gone bad' give yourself one gold star
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Abilene residents rally to keep Bob Barker sculpture
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| (The Register-Herald) |
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It's usually OK to get in the right lane to let faster traffic pass. Unless, of course, the right lane is wet concrete and blocked by traffic cones
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| (Record Online) |
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Man accidentally shoots himself in leg, decides to tell cops that he was the victim of a carjacking to cover it up. Cops charge him with criminal dumbassery, possession of marijuana
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Midwife disciplined for pulling a pregnant woman's umbilical cord so hard she dragged the woman halfway down the bed. The Aristocrats!
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Obama: "We should force our auto makers to make cars that average 45mpg like Japanese cars do" Toyota: "What the hell are you talking about, rookie?"
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Newspaper questions how far vice officers should be allowed to go to determine if a stripper is breaking the law. With examples that make you really wish you were a vice officer
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Jealous of all the press the Department of the Blindingly Obvious has been getting, the Department of Wishful Thinking releases a study claiming 1 in 4 women want to star in porn and 1 in 3 want to be spanked
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Please note that your Satellite Navigation system may not warn you of oncoming trains
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Mooninite duo apologizes for Boston being run by dumbass spazoid politicians
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Today's Democratic politician too important to obey speed limits comes to you from Governor Bill Richardson
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| (Some Guy) |
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A look at the weird contents of Carl Sagan's 1970s message to intelligent extraterrestrials
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| (Some Guy) |
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Former president of ACLU arrested for kiddie porn, proving once and for all that the ACLU is a front for Godless communism
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| (The Local) |
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Vegas run by gays and Jews, says Viking magician before vanishing from USA forever
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Sex tapes can get you into trouble, especially when you're married, having an affair, doing drugs and the man you're having sex with dies of a heart attack and it's all caught on tape. (Video)
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Whoa, Evenflo...Car seat breaks and baby fliiieees...Oh, you don't know...so we're taking them awaaaay, yeah (them away, them away)
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This film has been rated R by the MPAA for strong language, sexual content and...smoking?
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David Bowie is taking over Manhattan. Take heed, all you babies named Toby
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| (Some Guy) |
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Denver residents advised to stay the hell away from the city's squirrels, unless they really want the words 'bubonic plague' to appear in their obituaries
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Chicago Fark Party. June 8th BlackRock on Damen. Drew will be there. Will you?
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Allstate may have to change their name to Moststate after deciding that California homeowners are pretty much on their own these days
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L.A. Housing Department pays Zen monk $20,000 to teach its executives sphincter control, swordfighting
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CBS concludes that people who don't enjoy the news with Katie Couric should take a good hard look at themselves to find out why they hate women so much
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Gnats are actually attacking people. EVERYBODY PANI- oh wait, it's just gnats
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Teens who drink socially with parents less likely to binge later on. No word on smoking an ounce of prevention with them
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OJ Simpson, who claimed the Kentucky restaurant owner who recently threw him out on his ass was racist, drops lawsuit threat (with audio)
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MLB players' union refuses to release medical records for Senator Mitchell's steroid investigation
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| (Some Guy) |
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Reminder: tomorrow, you can put all your disgusting canned goods on the porch, and your mailman will get rid of them for you, free
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Pervert photopraphs women and children making toilet, sentenced to four months of having his aperture opened up
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Photoshop a Mother's Day card for someone who doesn't like their mother
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Legally blind woman keeps getting bounced from the pub because they think she's drunk
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Man chained up for marriage punishment. Usually you have to pay extra for that
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NASA study: Eastern U.S. getting hotter, Leon getting larger
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Australian Prime Minister compares Snoop Dogg to Holocaust denier David Irving. Bonus weirdness: he said this to a bunch of school kids
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Anheuser-Busch criticized for making drink aimed at teens. Must be that new Spiderman 3 Malt Liquor
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I can has diplomacy?
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I fought the law and the law...just kind of gave up. Why it's sometimes worth fighting a speeding ticket
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Pope Benedict warns Brazilian youth off sex and drugs, rock n roll is still under review
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| (Some Guy) |
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Wisconsin woman calls 911 to ask for them to send a babysitter, refers to her call as a "nanny 911"
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Dinner honoring local police department turns awkward when the hired entertainment performs racist song "Press 1 For English"
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Town shows fighting obesity can take a village. A fat, fat village
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| (iht.com) |
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Woman vies to be first female Venice gondoliera but the men-only association is fighting it. Oh solo Mia
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| (WCAU) |
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Today's hot female teacher-turned-lover brought to you by Woolwich, N.J. and the girls' field hockey team (with pic)
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| (Dog Does Not Want) |
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Obviously never having so much as glanced at Fark, Georgia company markets dog food made from broccoli
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Cop eats 'special' brownies calls 911 and says "I think we're dying. We made brownies and I think we're dead, I really do."
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Divorce? In my country? It's less common than you think
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Bottled water killing the planet. Fark calls for immediate cull of Evian-sipping wankers
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| (jg-tc online) |
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Study names Red Lobster, T.G.I. Friday's, and eight other national chains as area's most desired restaurants. In other news, sample group was full of asshats
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| (Some Guy) |
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Teacher accused of writing love letters to her 12-year-old student says God has forgiven her and she wants everyone to do the same
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WWII ace gets buried in coffin shaped like a Hawker Hurricane fighter plane (with pics)
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Thief steals van and gets more than he bargained for when he finds two-year-old inside, returns van to owner
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Health authorities felt the need to tell parents not to use flea and tick treatment on children. Your child wants doggy shampoo
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A man "whomped his thumb" with a hammer and the ensuing X-ray revealed an implant in his wrist placed there 20 years earlier by aliens in a ship that was "100 foot long, 20 foot wide and about 10 foot high."
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Chick randomly hatches from store-bought eggs on news of Tony Blair's resignation
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Actual Headline: "Man with panties on face attempts to rob W.Va. store"
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| Thu May 10, 2007 |
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Theme: Sugar, spice, everything nice; snips, snails, puppy-dog tails: Create a Nutrition Facts label for yourself or someone famous
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NYPD clerk charged with stealing dead man's wedding ring, won't need it where he's going
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| (Senic Sports) |
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Caption this bobcat and his canine friends
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Huge wildfire erupts on California's Santa Catalina Island. If only there were some kind of easily accessible, abundant water supply nearby to help extinguish it
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World record holder for holding world records wants to be the world record holder for underwater hoola hooping
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Sometimes the bear eats you and sometimes the safety regulators charge your employer, then it gets weird
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| (Some Guy) |
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Jane Fonda fondles a nervous Stephen Colbert
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Man who is golfing attempts to recover lost ball, has heart attack, drowns. The Aristocrats
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If you dressed a stillborn fawn in a baby sleeper with a bib reading "You think I'm cute? You should see my aunt," and left it in a basket outside a Tacoma theatre, there a bunch of baffled cops there who'd like a word
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| (KSAT) |
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Man tries to bribe his way out of being arrested, calls buddies to bring money. Mass arrest-ularity ensues (with pissed off pic)
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The sale price of a Dutch child in Asia hasn't changed since 2002
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today's "Dildo gun, bullets, and bisected skulls" story brought to you by Edmonton, Alberta. You just can't make this stuff up
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Toronto municipal employees banned from using Facebook, but city councillors exempt themselves from the ban because they need to communicate with constituents, especially hot young female ones with low self-esteem
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Today's 70ft inflatable man floating above a city brought to you by Milan, Italy
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| (Some SysAdmin) |
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Photoshop these I.T. guys cooling their server room with dry ice
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Some of the dumbest song lyrics of all time. "She had dumps like a truck truck truck"
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New Jersey terror plotters sought to get 7.62mm AK-47 assault rifles, so legislature takes the obvious step and outlaws .50 caliber rifles
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Must be a slow news day: News media trots out the same tired story about pole-dancing exercise. Just let it go, guys
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| (Some Guy) |
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Motorcyclist comes up with foolproof way to beat speeding tickets: Blast past the cops at 170 mph so they don't even have time to get your plate numbers
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| (Some Guy) |
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Elementary students in North Carolina raise $2,000 so beloved 71-year-old school janitor can fulfill his lifelong dream of seeing Golden Gate Bridge. Awwwwwww
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| (ME Times) |
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Remember when we told you Hamas took Mickey bin Laden off the air? Well, they didn't
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Study confirms Canadians are being gouged at the pumps. Magic 8-ball unavailable for comment
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Milwaukee errs on the side of caution, worried that the irony would create a rift in the space-time continuum
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Step 1: Rob bishop. Step 2: Profit. Step 3: Return later to pizza shop next door, try to rob old woman and beat her with her own cane. Step 4: Profit? No
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Are you an ugly, lazy, fat jackass? You too can blame your thyroid
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More and more women come forward claiming Phil Spector pulled guns on them. In other news, Phil Spector is still welcome at most steakhouses in Los Angeles
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The "new" AT&T gets ripped a new arse in spying case
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British council decides it actually wasn't such a great idea to send motorcyclist who hit deer a £386 bill to clean up the mess he made of the road (with pic of said biker in hospital)
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| (Daily Herald) |
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Today's "teacher having sex with a middle school student and then running off to Mexico with him" story brought to you by Tompkinsville, KY
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| (Newark Advocate) |
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Inattentive motorist left gas nozzle in tank and drove off, ripping hose away from gas pump, which lit a spark and made the pump go "KABOOM." Propane tanks unimpressed by explosive display
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Check the pattern buffer and narrow the containment beam. Scotty's particles are lost in subspace... er... New Mexico
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| (Some phone tracker) |
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Kid forgets to turn off phone in concert. Police call to invite him to hospital for heart transplant
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Bear livens up Alaska couple's breakfast by killing a moose in their driveway. With video goodness
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| (WUSA) |
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Doctors: You have Parkinson's disease. Wait no, it's Multiple Sclerosis. After three years of treatment for MS: Sorry, you never had MS. You've had breast cancer the whole time. Our bad
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| (Some bird) |
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Pub pays tribute to patron, who liked to eat raw bacon. They thought he died once before, however it was premature, but this time he wasn't fakin'
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Today's "almost school shooting" story brought to you by the People's Republic of Boulder. Men in camouflage and ski masks scared away by... a chef
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| (IHT) |
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Putin likens U.S. foreign policy to that of Third Reich. This should end well
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Prime minister of Australia quizzed by teenager about how he grooms two caterpillars that live above his eyes
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Dick Cheney "may be" on D.C. madam's infamous list. Compared to war crimes and shooting his friends in the face, this is probably a minor infraction
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Hundreds of men in Britain falsely accused of being pedophiles were actually victims of credit card fraud. Pete Townshend vows he won't get fooled again
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Remember that motorist who was videotaped beating up a cyclist? Yeah, he was a cop
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Tornado victim disputes governor's claim that there were no Hummers. "I was getting Hummers every day," he said. Submitter wants to be a tornado victim too now
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Woman sues hospital after child birth because they won't let her eat the placenta
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| (Some Guy) |
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Submitter calls on the power of Fark to help a deserving teacher. DIT
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| (Mail & Guardian) |
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Father of the Year candidate hires three strippers for his son's 16th birthday party
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| (Some Guy) |
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Student knows class president is just a popularity contest, joins school board for the real power
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The oldest profession gets screwed by the 2nd oldest as prostitutes become liable for tax
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| (Some Guy) |
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Theme: Flintstone appliances not shown on the TV show
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Female astronauts on the space shuttle can pee standing up. Submitter hopes this space age technology one day becomes available to us earthlings. It's not news, it's the BBC
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| (WBAL) |
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Baltimore Raven's QB Steve McNair arrested for DUI in Tennessee. Oh, and he wasn't driving
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What's the greatest nation in the world? Resignation
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| (Metrowest Daily News) |
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College girls steal 1,000 copies of their school's newspaper because they felt they looked "too fat" in the front page photo (with pics that now the whole world will see)
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Pope to canonize Brazilian monk after hundreds claim miracle cures after taking his paper pills inscribed with prayers. No word on whether he'll also be named the patron saint of placebos
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| (Some Guy) |
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Quadriplegic man gets drunk, drives his bed to a whorehouse, misses the turn, and drives six miles down the highway before the cops stop him. ¡Viva España! (With pic)
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| (The Local) |
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Man sets fire to own apartment to teach neighbours a lesson for not cleaning out lint trap in community dryer
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Officer sees "shiny object" and fires. What was that object, you ask? A gun? A knife? Nope, a bag of pot
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| (Lansing State Journal) |
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Woman sues church after the Lord strikes her down at the altar
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Vancouver man finds pre-chewed gum in his Big Xtra after biting into his burger and tasting peppermint. Here comes the hepatitis
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Queen evokes gravity at NASA: "Let them derive F = GMm/r², where G = 6.67*10-¹¹ N-m²/kg²"
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Proposed Texas zombie farm on hold over concerns that region lacks sufficient brains
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| (Some Metro) |
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New study released from the Institute of Pulling Numbers out of Our Asses: Men are more concerned with the brand of their handbags than women
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Elderly woman killed by runaway truck tire, not a Goodyear for her
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| (Examiner - Enterprise) |
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If you've recently gone crystal digging in Oklahoma and found some strange vials of yellow liquid, the government would like them back. Oh yeah.. and don't open them
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Boy receives passing grade in Australian school's newest P.E. activity... javelin catching
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| (Some Guy) |
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With all problems solved, the Tennessee Senate bans motorcyclists from riding on one wheel
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| (Orlando Sentinel) |
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Q. What do you do on the 15th anniversary of murdering your father? A. Murder your mother. Bonus: Suspect arrested at nudist colony, no indication if she was concealing a weapon
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| (Some Guy) |
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96-year-old man has lived in the same house all his life. "Why would I want to leave?"
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| (Some Guy) |
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New York Post rolls back its 100 percent price increase and goes back to selling papers for a quarter after hundreds of thousands of readers abandoned it for sites where they can read the news for $5 a month
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| (wistv.com) |
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Man leads cops on car chase, finishes his beer and cocaine during standoff before he surrenders
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Man gets shot while stealing a game console from a security vehicle in which a guard was sitting
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Poppy the St. Bernard gives birth to 13 cute-ass pups (with adorable pic)
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Widow of one of the July 7th bombers interviewed. In other news, no one outside of Britain remembers what happened on July 7th
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Reporter says restaurant should control how much you eat, not you
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Minnesota man encounters 104-pound wolf under his deck. Alaska residents call that "Wednesday"
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First ever ugly-ass baby elephant born in Ireland. With pic
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How to make money: Say you saw a ghost, then sue the paper that publishes the story because everyone thinks you're insane
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George Lucas' company IL&M didn't work on "Spider-Man 3" because he thought it was a "silly, silly movie." The man is right -- who needs whiny brats turning evil and wearing black costumes?
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"You're talking somebody being robbed and shot in their home for a games console. It's the sort of thing you'd expect in America, not here. The violence used was extreme"
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Oral sex linked to throat cancer
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| (Scranton Times-Tribune) |
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Not news: Emergency team rescues man dangling from power line. News: It's a dummy. Fark: A dummy left from one of their training exercises
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City of Milan hands out drug-test kits to parents so they can test their kids for pot and coke
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this lovely older lady
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| (Some Guy) |
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Coolest picture of the Milky Way as seen from Death Valley you will see today
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Chinese chickens playing soccer, complete with commentary on the number of "fowls" they're committing. What the hell, it's Fark.com
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Man runs into music store, hits woman repeatedly with piece of wood, runs out without taking anything. Police theorize it was either an unusually stupid robber or an average drummer
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| (Farktography) |
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 105: "Happy Anniversary II." Details in first post. LGT next week's theme
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| Wed May 09, 2007 |
| (Some Guy) |
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If your sex toy has been banned from a country because of fears that it will disrupt military equipment, you no longer need a marketing department
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| (KPHO Phoenix) |
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Scottsdale, AZ police chief's daughter arrested for second time in two months (with "eh, I'd hit it" pic goodness)
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Scientists start working on free, online catalog of all Earth's 1.8 million documented species. Now Drew's wife can quickly identify that giant spider behind the clock
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you come up with the 11-point plan for carrying out the perfect murder, don't write down the steps and leave it on your laptop where the cops will find it later
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| (Business Wire) |
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The 2,000-foot-tall Chicago penis-shaped compensating-for-something spire receives final approval of city council
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| (Jerusalem Post) |
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Hamas bows to pressure and pulls Mickey bin Laden children's program
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| (Pennlive.com) |
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Sperm donor must pay child support for children of a lesbian couple for whom he provided sperm
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| (Some Guy) |
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Black bus driver fired for calling black student the N-word during argument. Please
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| (Some zombie) |
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Not news: A musical is made out of a film. News: The film is "Evil Dead." Fark: It stars Mustard Man
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this plain brown bench
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Parrot lost in Michigan ends up in found Las Vegas. Owner identifies parrot because "she has spoken to the parrot on the telephone and knows it's him"
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Jared from Subway likes sandwiches, porn
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How many different ways can Rush Limbaugh fans call TV station employees morons? Here's a sample of the 2,800 submissions
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"You can not accurately predict if and when a given virus will become a pandemic virus," said Chicken Little as The Boy Who Cried Wolf nodded agreement
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Not news: Man catches foul ball at game. Still not news: Man refuses to give ball to younger fan. Fark: The man keeping the ball is future Hall of Famer Rickey Henderson
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| (Star Bulletin) |
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United plane returns to LAX gate so that Dog the Bounty Hunter and his family can be removed from flight after refusing to buy second seat for Beth's boobs
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After Rush sells 84,000 copies of new record in first week, columist blames it on the publics' poor taste. Submitter says it's the blame of salesmen... OF SALESMEN!
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Wild, wild horses couldn't drag them away, but nearby stables can make them relocate their concerts
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He was wearing about a dozen pairs of women's underwear under his clothing, a sheriff's deputy said
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Paris' pardon plea laughed out of governor's office
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That guy who bid $10 million on the General Lee on eBay? Yeah, it's looking like he doesn't really have $10 million
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She offered her honour. He honoured her offer. All night long, His Honour was on her and off her
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If 87 people know your secret, it ain't a secret no more
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EBay in talks to acquire StumbleUpon for $75 million. In related news, Fark.com in talks to acquire Heineken for $24 a case
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Federal Reserve does nothing
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The Irish girl who was refused travel to receive an abortion is now allowed to travel
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| (World Net Daily) |
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Burn the American flag and it's an exercise in free speech. Burn a Mexican flag and you better be ready for charges of intimidation, unlawful assembly and disorderly conduct
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| (Some Guy) |
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The best "11-year-old sets fire to potato chips display" story you've seen all day. Link goes to article; video link on side
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Broadcast TV loses 2.5 million viewers in one year. Producers of "The Real Wedding Crashers" and executives who cancelled "Drive" blame daylight savings time and DVRs
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| (National Hurricane Center) |
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Let's give a warm welcome to Andrea, this year's first subtropical storm
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| (Daily Mail) |
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Sketch of kidnapper suspected of abducting three-year-old girl in Portugal released. This ain't gonna narrow things down any (with pic of apparent egg with hair)
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Scientists discover protein that originally made human brains highly intelligent, and decide to artificially induce its production in laboratory chimps' brains. We all know how this one turns out, with the Statue of Liberty and everything
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Fark TV: Bloopers from Seasons 1 and 2
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| (KFDM) |
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The pen is mightier than the sword. As it turns out, the Taser also shares that distinction
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| (Homer Derby) |
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Vernon Wells gets back at some heckling fans by sending them the greatest autographed baseball you'll ever see (pics)
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EU backs away from plan to ban pound and ounce measurements. Suck it, metrics
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Netflix queue replacing the remote as source of marital conflict
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| (Some Artist) |
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Not news: Bartender confiscates underage drinker's fake ID. News: She posts it on her website. Fark: Underage drinker files DMCA complaint
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George Lucas planning on making two Star Wars TV movies. Won't somebody please think of the ewoks?
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French business community breathing easier now that Bill O'Reilly has lifted his boycott of French products. Paris Business Review personally thanks O'Reilly for boycott, which increased French imports to the U.S. by almost 30 percent. O RLY?
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Casino staff not properly trained to spot and stop gambling addicts. Casino owners snicker, say they'll get right on that
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| (DelawareOnline) |
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Campus outrage again as students hold Cinco de Mayo party and post pictures on Facebook of themselves dressed as Hispanic gardeners
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| (Some Balloon Guy) |
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Photoshop this soldier and his balloons
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| (The Courier-Journal) |
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O.J. Simpson's attorney plays race card and says he may go after steakhouse's liquor license after O.J. denied admission
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| (wwtdd) |
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How surprised would you be to see that Paris Hilton is still driving her car?
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Hamas on BBC kidnapping by rival group: "We reject these methods used by certain Muslim believers because they harm Islam." Seriously. They said that. Hamas
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Entire wedding party dines and dashes at reception
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Parents shrink daughter so she's easy to care for. Hospital says, "Yeah, looking back, we probably shouldn't have let you do that"
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Marilyn Manson's new video is so shocking that it starts with a warning that it's not suitable for kids under 16 -- as if parents would be watching MTV with their kids. In related news, they still play music videos on MTV. Who knew?
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Today's "eighth grader suspended for taking Tylenol in school" story brought to you by Norfolk, VA
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| (Charleston Gazette) |
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Judge throws out student's lawsuit against teacher for failing grade on leaf collection
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Nothing says class like defrauding war veterans and stealing their medals
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Psychic Uri Geller sued after trying to remove critical YouTube clip. Says he never saw it coming
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption Alec Baldwin's view
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Dick "Go F**k Yourself" Cheney makes a surprise visit to Baghdad; teaches warring factions all about diplomacy; calms everybody with his peaceful demeanor
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| (WXYZ-7) |
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With a fork through his ear, 86-year old man finds out in the worst way why you don't screw the help. With pic of perp, bring your own goggles
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| (MaineToday.com) |
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2.5-year-old falls from third-floor window and lands safely on a discarded tarp below. Gets up and says... nothing, he's only 2.5
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Times Square generates more revenue than Panama, Bolivia. It also spends more money on Panama and Bolivia's "product"
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Bill Clinton designs a crossword for the New York Times. What's a six-letter word for ashtray?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Typical contraband found during Irish prison cell sweep: Drugs, booze, live birds... wait, what? And that's not even the best part
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| (KOTV-6) |
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We've replaced Lisa's regular tea with urn cleaner. Let's see if she notices
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Teen grows pot on police chief's land. Florida tag strikes again
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| (Some Guy) |
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News: Man decapitates himself. Fark: With a chainsaw
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You know you probably won't pass your driving test when you realise you've been directed to the nearest police station
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Burger King overcharges $8,000+ on woman's Visa card. That's a Whopper of a mistake
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Brits spend £32,000 on alcohol in their lifetimes, poll finds. Slightly intoxicated Farkers sneer, make slightly slurred jokes about it being Amateur Night every night back in the Sceptered Isle
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| (Some Guy) |
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Mom and daughter keep sex diary, compare notes... for everyone to read. No, it's not submitter's mom
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Photoshop these young pyromaniacs
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Huge 4.6 earthquake in Montana startles several cows, knocks some bricks off a building, reinforces local wingnuts notion that the End Days are nigh
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Did you know in Austria, libraries use erotic hotlines to raise money?
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Prison officials refuse dying man's wish that his last meal be given to the homeless
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Guy with no arms and one leg eludes police on high-speed car chase. Again
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While the mask did help to conceal his identity, ultimately he would have had a better chance of being undetected if he had robbed a bar that wasn't owned by his parents
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Giraffe to students: "Get off my lawn"
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Barack Obama announces new death toll in Kansas tornado is 10,000, up from the initial count of... 12. The 1,600 residents of the town scratch their heads collectively
|
| (SomeSoloGuy) |
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Han Solo-isms for everyday life
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Playwright ordered to warn audiences that his act features a dead chicken to avoid offending vegetarians. But then, what doesn't?
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