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| Sun September 03, 2006 |
| (Toledo Tales) |
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Toledo Man believes he can "profile any crime" as a veteran of watching cop shows
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Shaving less than once a day can increase your risk of having a stroke by 70%
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Rock music can boost brain power. Ozzy wanted for questioning but can only mumble incoherently
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Never bring a gun to a cockfight. Or is it a knife to a gunfight? Anyway, one guy's dead
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Is cybersex cheating?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Remember how Screech from Saved by the Bell was going to lose his house unless people bought his t-shirts? Turns out it was a publicity stunt
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| (Metro West Daily News) |
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Loud, obnoxious, rude, lousy tipping cell-phone using douchebag walks out on restaurant bill after telling bartender he was staying at hotel across the street. Instant karma ensues
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| (Hi-Desert Star) |
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No charges pending against unknown owner of two pit bulls that broke into home, locked the doors, killed the cat, trashed the house then took a whizz on everything for good measure
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Thousands of samples lost when freezer at sperm bank malfunctions. Insert funny punch line here _____
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If you are going to argue over beer, make sure the other guy doesn't have a machete close by
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Reason 1,465 to put down that twinkie: Overweight men are less fertile
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| (Hasting Today) |
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Today's story about a lesbian teacher fondling her female student brought to you by...wait, England? Good show
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Pope's chief exorcist calls Harry Potter "king of darkness" and "the devil". Stupidity of comment is overshadowed by revelation: the pope has a Chief Exorcist?
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Feminism in the new century: women should fake their orgasms. "If you are happy and generous-minded, you will fake it and then leap out of bed and pour him champagne"
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| (Daily Yomiuri) |
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This year marks 20th anniversary of penpal relationship between 89-year-old man and 30-year-old woman. Awwwwww
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Victorian Police award a driver and his passenger the Stupid tag for hanging outside the car and sitting on the door frame while going down the highway. Darwin shakes head
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| (Some JackAss) |
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The easiest question you've been asked today: Does Donkey milk contain the secrets to longevity?
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| (KXTV) |
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What's with the dead body wrapped in plastic and duct tape? Oh that's just my girlfriend, she died after choking on a piece of meat 10 days ago. Help me load the U-haul? , I'm moving to Oregon on Saturday
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| (Some Guy) |
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Couple takes a gamble, leaves three week old son inside car while they play the odds at casino. Odds are they will lose their parental rights, but at least they will have more free time to gamble
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"The person who is happily dabbling their fingers in poo and happily eating it is not going to have many offspring"
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| (KESQ) |
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Bears are openly roaming the street in San Francisco. Winnie the Pooh offers his honeypot in friendship
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China plans Bruce Lee amusement park, complete with screaming, grunting roller coaster
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Prince Harry is upset that he's not being deployed to Iraq. Royals afraid that he may Di in a fire
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Terrorists now funding operations by stealing baby formula in Cleveland. Seriously
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| (Gonna fly now) |
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Photoshope these "friends" of a feather
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Yukon opens exclusive grizzly bear-viewing lodge for bear-loving tourists with C$10,000 to blow. Timothy Treadwell unavailable for comment
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| (Palm Beach Post) |
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How Florida investigates 8,000 medical mistakes a year. Or what happens when you go in to have your tonsils taken out and end up neutered
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| (Some Guy) |
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The 15 hottest hot sauces in the world, including the ass reaper. Could you handle the 'you can't handle this'?
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Paraglider taken down by remote control plane, insurgents take notes
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Vigilante mob collectively says "whoops, our bad" as they mistakenly kill the wrong man
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Because it's a slow long weekend, here's a story about a dog that rides horses (pic)
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Indiana University student promotes new business slogan of "Get baked before class" as a way of selling his line of cookies. In a shocking turn of events, college students nationwide endorse the slogan and buy his products and t-shirts
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| (Oregon Live) |
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You can no longer get a tax deduction for dumping your garbage in front of a Salvation Army after hours
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Google developing eavesdropping software that uses your PC microphone to listen to your TV in the background, then places relevant ads on your PC
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Study raises questions on aging surgeons. Pilots are forced to retire at age 60 but no mandatory retirement for surgeons
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If you want to live an extra year, it'll cost you around $20,000
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Attorney impersonates female to get his boyfriend moved to better jail: hilarity ensues (scroll past underage mussel story)
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"And the worldwide cabbie of the year award goes to.." No, seriously worldwide cabbie of the year award DOES exist
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Wages of working American families drop for the fifth straight year. What a great economy
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A compendium of letters to the New York State Department of Motor Vehicles from people offended by various personalized license plates, including POTVINSUX. The SMOKNG GN is there
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Being an atheist in America isn't easy
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| (SeductionTutor) |
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10 tips for frugal daters (Not safe for work ads)
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Emergency crews in Wisconsin starting to carry oxygen masks for pets. Your dog now has a reason to call 911
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Brand new information: IRS audits may not catch wealthy tax cheats
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| (M.E.N) |
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Not news: Outside toilets. News: To stop drunks urinating in the street. Fark: They're open air urinals called "pee pods"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Don't spit at drivers in London
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| (Instapundit) |
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The Wall Street Journal takes on no-knock raids
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Photoshop Bob from Enzyte selling something else. Difficulty: Innuendo a must
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Suri Cruise's first poop, bronzed and for sale on eBay
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| (Some Guy) |
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There are now more over-nutritioned people in the world than under-nutritioned. Sure beats the alternative
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Don't be alarmed if you catch a trout with an antenna sticking out of its belly. It's just a robo-trout
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Thinking they have cured baldness, scientists merely succeed in building a fluffier mouse. Cure for cancer gives up...sits in the corner and cries
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Al-Qaeda No. 2.314159265 caught... still no cure for islamic extremism
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Photoshop this leaping lion
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Man receives inheritance from his uncle: a box of live grenades. Hilarity ensues
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| (Some Guy) |
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What was the very first LP/CD you ever bought?
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Britain's largest bingo chain forced to cut 200 jobs after ban on smoking
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Check your bindings and get the hot wax ready, Loveland Ski Resort starts snowmaking in 20 days
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| (Some Guy) |
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Hotels stocking up on snacks and beer to accomodate increasingly popular "mancations"
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Government study finds Ontarians work less than Americans. Translation: "You lazy farks are costing us 17 billion dollars"
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| (Target) |
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Target's new Franklin Roosevelt action figures Hey, wait a minute
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Discovery Channel special explores different theories of what killed off the dinosaurs, completely ignores the completely legitimate Noah's Ark theory
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| (Some Guy) |
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Bitter news for beer, as after nearly disappearing due to prohibition, Hard Apple Cider finally staging a comeback in America. Get crunked on what your forefathers drunk
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| (Some Tiger Cub Diary) |
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Ugly-ass Sumatran tiger cubs go on display at National Zoo (with pics)
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| (Bush audio) |
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AudioEdit theme: Using audio from public speeches, create a secret recording of whatever it is that goes on in the presidential bedroom
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| (Some Evil Stepfather) |
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Disobedient children: to spank or not to spank?
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| (Anchorage Daily News) |
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11-year-old wins ribbon at state fair for 73-pound head of cabbage
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| Sat September 02, 2006 |
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Slate's oral sex analyst takes long, hard look at why teens can't resist a good hummer
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not News: Cop gets busted for DUI. News: Again. Fark: While driving his patrol car
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| (Some Guy) |
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Minister for Fitness reveals how she and her husband tackled an armed bank robber after he threatened to start gunning down customers (pic)
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| (Rocky Mountain News) |
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University students who left to assist Katrina victims were punished academically
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| (GameTrailers) |
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1000 virtual cars on one racetrack at the same time
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| (WESH) |
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Bank robbery suspect nabbed after police notice smoke coming from his pants
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| (Some Guy) |
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The FDA is considering oversight of the body part industry to ensure your next skin graft isn't tainted
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| (Photoshop fan) |
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Photoshop this lighthouse
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Apaches go public with Bigfoot sightings
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| (Some Guy) |
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And the award for Best Use of Photomosaics Ever goes to...
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TV news chopper in Los Angeles attempts to juice up an an otherwise slow news day by flying into the path of a commuter plane
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Five years after 9/11, finding Osama bin Laden is "like chasing ghosts"
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Yodelling, alphorns, and a competition involving the throwing of a 183-pound stone. Nobody parties like the Swiss (Hollywood currently buying the movie rights)
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| (Some Guy) |
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British telecom firm refuses to sign up customers over the age of 70 for its Internet service unless they are accompanied by a younger member of their family who can explain it to them
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Nellie Connally, last remaining survivor who was riding in President Kennedy's limousine when he was assassinated, has died
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Local Purple Heart recipients get thank-you baskets containing about $1,000 in gift certificates from local businesses
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Prosecutor recommends death penalty for U.S. soldiers accused of murdering three unarmed Iraqi man, calling the slayings "premeditated" and deserving of the same
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75-year old woman has her purse stolen, promptly chases the thief down and lays a verbal scolding on his ass before deciding to give him three dollars
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| (Myrtle Beach online) |
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USGS puts device on pier to measure Hurricane Ernesto. Freaked-out public thinks it's a bomb. Police side with freaked-out public and blow up device. Bonus: the police missed the other forty devices
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| (Some Heretic) |
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Could professional-style wrestling really be the next frontier for Christian outreach?
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CNN releases list of the 25 smartest cities in US. Washington, DC conspicuously absent
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| (Steves Digicams) |
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Photoshop this cowgirl
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| (law.com) |
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Law school dropout sues former school, saying they should have known he wasn't capable. Evidently, he learned more than they thought
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| (Nintendojo.com) |
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McDonald's to offer Nintendo "active toys" to encourage physical activity in kids
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MySpace to sell MyTunes to MyTeenagers with MyVisa
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Lowe's to market 'Katrina Cottage' kit. ROV/AUV buoyancy system optional
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Zawahiri releases video demanding that all Americans convert to Islam...yeah...we'll get right on that
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14 Britons killed in Afghanistan aircrash
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| (Some Guy) |
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Goodwill employee returns $1,000 cash, coins and diamond rings found in donated pants
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| (Some Guy) |
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Billboard controversy: Parents told that speaking out against hospital that killed their little girl by placing story on stationary billboards not acceptable. Parents solve dilemma by using mobile billboards instead
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"Hi boys and girls, this is the Wichita Public Library asking you to throw away those prizes you won this summer in our reading program or you'll die. See you next summer...."
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Playboy wear for men. No, really 2007 line called "On The Prowl"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Town hall lowers flag to half staff for fallen soldier. It's Saturday and the unionized staff are off for the weekend so a councillor does it himself. What could possibly go wrong?
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Actual headline: College students use irons to make food on campus. Ric Romero speeding to scene
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| (Some Guy) |
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The fine art of Vegas pool crashing
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| (MaineToday.com) |
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Some guy that blew up a Coke machine faces 5 years in prison. Sentence could have been longer, but it was New Coke
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| (Las Vegas RJ) |
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Slaying victim calls newpaper after they report his killer has been arrested
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| (WSOC TV) |
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Suspicious liquid on plane identified as dihydrogen monoxide, known to be deadly in large quantities, also responsible for many airline crashes
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Man caps off two hours of target practice at shooting range by turning gun on himself. Still misses
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The best grocery stores in America, according to Consumer Reports
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Auction house selling Titanic memorabilia ends up under water when a pipe breaks
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"But she didn't put it in park until after it rolled down the drive and through the (classroom) wall"
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"Move to Britain? They're all drunks and psychos"
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British government minister puts "environmental contract" on website, for some reason leaves it editable by users. Hilarity was soon added
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14 Terror suspects arrested in London on suspicion of having spilled beer on the Fark main page servers
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Ivy League professor caught coming back into country with videos of himself having sex with minors. Bad? Yeah, but even worse: he has worked for the Bush Administration
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| (Some Guy) |
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Happy Labor Day weekend. EVERYBODY PICNIC
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5 easy ways to improve your credit, two of which are getting more credit cards. Notably absent from the list: stop spending more than you make
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Disney food service employee loses job over his sausage display
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| (KOIN News 6) |
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If you're impersonating a cop and pulling people over, wearing a shirt that reads "Under Cover Police" might draw suspicion
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| (Photoshop fan) |
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Photoshop this haunted house
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| (DMN) |
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Fugitive caught, hauled away in cuffs, tossed in crowded Dallas jail for three days with no access to lawyer. The crime? Not wearing a seat belt
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| (Some Jedi) |
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Star Wars Nerds, prepare to get your geek on. A shot by shot comparison between the '77 and '04 versions of Episode IV. May the lack of sex be with you
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| (Bakersfield Online) |
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Good: 16-year old boy awakened by drunk 19-year old girl coming into his bedroom. Bad: She was still driving at the time
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| (Pittsburgh Post Gazette) |
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Doogie Howser sworn in as Mayor of Pittsburgh
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| (Eurweb) |
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You knew it was coming: Mike Tyson, Vegas sideshow freak
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| (Some Guy) |
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The top three zombie outbreaks in US history
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Is the Mercury in dental fillings safe? No. Can we do anything about it? No. OK, tell them it's safe
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World's newest supercar goes from 0 to 60 in 3.1 seconds, has a top speed of 258mph and because it's Swedish has the world's stupidest name: Koenigsegg
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Candidates for school board in Fark's favorite state stop just short of accusing one another of having sex with recently-buried corpses. Just short
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| (Poughkeepsie Journal) |
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SUNY New Paltz upset at #7 ranking in High Times' list of top stoner schools, demands recount and, um, two cheese pizzas
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BCS National Champion Texas Longhorns are set to open the season with a game against "St. Mary's School for the Blind and Cash-impaired."
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| (Brickshelf.com) |
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Photoshop these Brickfest attendees
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German Chancellor Angela Merkel named world's most powerful woman; President Bush to give Condoleezza Rice sympathy backrub
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you're on trial for firebombing a courthouse, and even your lawyer describes you to a jury as "hare-brained, hapless, hopeless and ham-fisted", you may want to get a better lawyer. Or a line of work you don't suck at
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| (Some Guy) |
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UNT's lucky albino squirrel mascot dies in tragic hawk attack, now gathers nuts from big tree in the sky
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| (Cooling Man) |
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New website lets hippies attending Burning Man figure out how much damage they're doing to the earth by being there. Fun fact: the burning of the man that gives the festival its name releases 114 tons of greenhouse gases alone
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Welcome to Scottsdale, where dogs live better than people
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Prankster posts "NO PARKING" sign on NYC street. Cops start ticketing and towing the cars. Residents not amused, find it difficult to fahgeddaboudit
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The fountain of youth evidenty is filled with maple syrup as man lives to 112 on sausage and waffle diet
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| Fri September 01, 2006 |
| (Some Guy) |
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Village People cop to enter Betty Ford. there's a first time for everything
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| (Joblo) |
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Bruce Campbell to play himself fighting monsters in small Oregon town in upcoming greatest movie ever
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| (Some Guy) |
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On Nov. 23, 1953, a military jet disappeared after being pursuing a UFO. It may now have been found
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Scientists develop genetically modifed blood cells that wiped out all signs of cancer in two patients with advanced melanoma. Still no cure for...oh, wait
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Tired of passing out free A's, colleges begin evicting emo kids
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| (NBC13) |
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How can you tell if a person is a registered sexual offender in Alabama? Just ask to see their driver's license
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Last of the Ziegfeld Follies girls still shakin it like it's 1907. This is perfectly OK without pics. Oh heck there is one
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Federal court rules that anti-abortion protesters can carry huge-ass signs showing graphic photos of aborted fetuses during Labor Day parade. What could possibly go right?
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The five best new Fall TV shows. Catch 'em before they get an arrested development
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| (NBC4i.com) |
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Convenience store clerk chases beer thief into getaway car and they beat each other up. Thief gets away anyway
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Taking vegetables out of a dumpster in Steamboat Springs, CO will get you six months in jail
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| (Some Guy) |
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The top 5 most successful cars ever
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A look through the bizarre death cetificates of those who lived fast, died young, and (occasionally) left a good-looking corpse
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| (Stansberry Online) |
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If you live in Colorado, there could be more than 2 TRILLION barrels of oil under your feet - more than what middle east countries have...combined
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| (TIC) |
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Family that was confused over why their roof suddenly exploded in the Indiana morning intrigued to hear that it was a few meteorites
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Caribou chain of coffee shops to honor Starbucks' coupons for free medium iced coffees iced teas that Starbucks won't on Sept. 8
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| (DontWalk-Run.com) |
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Photoshop the corner of this building located in New York City
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European airlines soon to ban sleeping on a plane. Officials at Air Malta say, "Airplanes not a place for sleeping."
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| (KSL) |
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Mother receives photos of her kidnapped son ... 24 years later
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| (Some sandwich eater) |
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Sandwiches: triangles or squares? Submitter is very sad about her square-cut sandwich
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| (Some Guy) |
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Hispanic buying power outstripping blacks, as evidenced by sales of hydraulics being higher than that of spinning rims
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Soldier who went AWOL to join Cindy Sheehan in TX changes mind, decides that roadside bombs are more tolerable than that nutbag
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| (Zug) |
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Zug tries to get a vibrator through airport security
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"Uh yeah, we might have left a bomb in the mayor's house.. in 1981... and uh, it's probably still there."
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People are losing confidence in the idea that a war against something inanimate, like 'Terror', can ever be won
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Verizon campaigns to remove old war surcharge to add their own. FCC Response: Not so fast Capt Dishonest
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Chuck Norris supports Bible in school curriculum. Any objections? Didn't think so
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New York prison guards want inmates fitted with Hannibal Lecter-style masks so they'll stop hocking loogies at them
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| (Some Guy) |
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Test your U.S. geography
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| (Some Guy) |
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KKK sends threatening letter to Louisiana mayor written in crayon. No word on whether or not they colored outside the lines on the enclosed picture
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Fire officials tell residents who stocked up on gasoline for Ernesto to start using it. In related story, Fark bracing for deluge of "Florida" submissions over Labor Day weekend
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Princeton University student creates 'Dorm Room Diet.' Book includes chapters on Ramen noodles, Pizza, Cheerios, Borrowed things, and What the Hell is that green thing in back of fridge?
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Orlando airport shuts down after guy with hand grenade-shaped belt buckle wanders through security
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September 5th will mark the 100th anniversary of football's first forward pass, which was caught by Frank Gifford
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Florida swampland scheme alive and well and living on eBay
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When US News & World Report doesn't rank your MBA program in the top 50, do you a) improve the faculty, b) increase alumni donations, or c) whine that the rankings have "little or no constructive value?"
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| (hamptonroads.com) |
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Some Virginians have a hard time understanding that driving through a flooded street is a bad idea (with pictures)
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OpenOffice Premium = OpenOffice on steroids?
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| (Some Pole) |
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Pomeranians detain German bodybuilding champion for selling steroids. Complain that he wouldn't take them bowling
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Politicians making their own Facebook accounts to attract a young demographic. Plus, where else can you see John McCain do a kegstand and three balloons before collapsing into the mud pit?
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| (Some Rock Star) |
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Photoshop this odd rock
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| (myfoxny.com) |
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Feds raid Sen Stevens family member; might be looking for stolen "Internet tube"
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In Ohio, you can now become a registered sex-offender without even being accused of any crime. Bonus: *Anyone* can initiate the process. But at least the children are safe
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Argentina and Chile get into pissing contest over who owns giant blocks of ice
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Pluto may be planet after all. Donald Duck head assplode
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Ex-con celebrates his release from jail by stealing two cases of beer
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"I was like, 'No way a car is coming through the window,'" said one patron. "I'm like, 'No way'"
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Mainstream media breathlessly reporting on what happens if you run "failure" through Google. Welcome to 2003, guys
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Remember how doctors who performed an abortion on a raped little girl in Columbia were threatened with excommunication? Funny thing -- turns out it didn't happen
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9/11 widow sues her lawyer three years later over fee of 33 percent of her settlement after realizing every other lawyer did it pro-bono or for less than 10 percent
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Bribery in Mexico hurts the Mexican economy, study says. Obvious tag pays 100 pesos to Interesting tag to get on this headline
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Bush running out of speeches, reuses the same speech given a year ago on same date. Afterwards, he outlined a Katrina relief plan and congratulated Iraq on its draft constitution
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| (Some Guy) |
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Korean art exhibition explores fictional anatomy of cartoon characters, complete with fake skeletons. File under "cartoonus creepius maximus"
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New TV station for car buffs: Nonstop, three-minute videos of new vehicles. Doing exactly the same turns. Over and over. All day
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Traumatic head injuries fall. Next time, traumatic head injuries should wear a helmet
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Court drops charges against Chicago Bulls mascot for taking swing at police officer. Is immediately offered contract with Portland Trailblazers
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What Tony Blair's mug of tea says about him
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"Uh, alarm inspector." "Oh, here you go. I believe that's all in order." "Wow, I can't believe that worked." "Hey wait a minute... that's not the alarm inspector"
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| (Some Guy) |
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International Astronomical Union demotes Kansas City Royals MLB status
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Congregation wonders if maybe they were wrong after all, after thieves steal their church's air conditioner
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Column stresses "The Importance of Chewing." Tomorrow's column discusses "Chewing's Tricky Pal, Swallowing"
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Chicago's immigration protest is sponsored by Miller Beer
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Miss Universe stands-up high school boy. Boy placing frantic calls to runner-up
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Woman, 72, scares bear out of her kitchen. Bear claims her pot roast was crap anyway
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Moon could be inhabited, according to recent studies
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Fugly-ass baby elephant arrives at Indianapolis zoo (with pic)
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| (Middle East Times) |
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Despite his cries of "No, no you canna mecca me do this," Pinocchio forced to convert to Islam
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If you have a telephone, the IRS may owe you money
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Man arrested for going thru coffee drive-thru, pantsless. Twice. Says he did it because one time, his wife depantsed him before going through said drive thru, and he couldn't stop thinking about it
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| (arstechnica) |
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C4 in upcoming "Battlefield 2142" to be nerfed to prevent demolition of dynamic in-game advertising billboards
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| (Bloomberg) |
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"If oil was still at $20, no one would be talking about peak oil." Well, duh
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JK Rowling forced to correct plot blunder in Harry Potter book after fans with way too much time on their hands spot it
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Because 27 percent of Holland is below sea level: Amphibious houses. If only there were a flood-prone coastal city in the USA where we could build these things...
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Starbucks learns the hard way how the intarweb works after emailing a few employees some coupons for free coffee
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Eighty killed when Iranian jetliner catches fire
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| (Some Farker) |
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Farker's wife's luggage destined for Fresno mysteriously ends up in Taiwan. Photoshop what might have happened
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| (Image Shack) |
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The coolest Pink Floyd artwork you'll see all night, painted on the backs of naked girls. Probably SFW (if your boss isn't a total tool). LGT said artwork
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| (KXTV) |
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Today's "15 suburban homes were actually pot growing operations" story brought to you by the city of Elk Grove, California
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| (News Info) |
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Anti-terrorism expert carries real C-4 bomb onto airliner without being detected -- twice. What could possibly go wrong?
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Seventeen years after the fact, Alaska sends Exxon a $92 million bill for Valdez oil spill
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No wonder your wife hates you
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| (Economist) |
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YouTube trying to figure out step two
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Man sentenced for enslaving housekeeper; blames anti-Muslim prejudice because "he treated the woman the same way any observant Muslim family would treat a daughter"
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Man -- already wanted on warrants for meth -- pulled over while smoking meth, in his mobile meth lab. "Meth" doesn't even look like a word anymore
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| (Some Polling Guy) |
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Sixty percent of Americans agree with passenger profiling. ACLU has no comment, citing they are going to be very busy for a while
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Man who hid video camera in toilet to watch women pee is arrested by a giant banana
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| Thu August 31, 2006 |
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New York judge issues restraining order to dog
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| (PTC) |
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Parents Television Council file complaint with FCC for the phrase "tits over ass" being said twice during Emmys. Hope they don't find out about Mindy Kaling's (The Office) nip slip
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| (This Is London) |
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British rail commuters delayed for half-hour because the sun was too bright. Isn't there a button for that nowadays?
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Turns out everything you secretly feared about Indian restaurants is true. At least at this one
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| (Chicago Tribune) |
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American Heart Association and the Lake County Heath Department host anti-smoking breakfast event consisting of bacon, ham, eggs, and french toast slathered in fried bananas and powdered sugar
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| (Jacksonville.com) |
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Man serves "Eviction Notice" by shooting a laptop computer off his brothers girlfriends lap, police kindly arrange for alternate housing for him
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Castro's absence hasn't affected Cuba, everyone still living on dirt floors with nothing to eat except leftover cake from Hymen Roth's birthday party
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| (agapepress.org) |
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Woman notices bookstore selling books she deems objectionable. Proceeds to do what any one of us would do: call the police
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For future reference: in any argument, the drunken angry guy carrying a bucket of vomit is gonna win
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| (Some Guy) |
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Smuckers sells PBJ sandwiches with the crusts cut off. PS some other products made easier than they really should be
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Middle school goes into lockdown after someone notices eight-foot alligator sunning himself on basketball court
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| (Some Guy) |
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Giant mako shark attacks small boat off San Diego coast, genius in boat hooks it with fly rod. With photographic evidence
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College students: Do you have a student loan? Then we think you might be a terrorist and we secretly investigated you. Signed, Uncle Sam
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The US doesn't negotiate with terrorists. Unless the negotiation could free some kidnapped Fox News reporters
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Behold, the class of '26
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Struggling Mobile ESPN network comes up with brilliant new plan: live and complete football games for viewing on the smallest screens available to man
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Losing candidate in Mexican election to create parallel, 'legitimate' government. Al Gore, eat your heart out
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Iran sends UN a seven page fax. The first page is a giant letter F, goes downhill from there
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Macy's takes over Chicago's Marshall Fields department store, puts up signs inside to endear itself to locals, calls Wabash Avenue a street, Randolph Street an avenue and Washington Street an avenue
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Not news: Biographer writes book about English poet. News: Biographer unknowingly includes fake love letter. Fark.com: Letter contains coded insult to the biographer
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Poverty and poor health linked, say Drs. Obvious, Manifest, and Evident
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Oregonian man steals women's underpants. Facing up to 11 years in prison as this is his 4th conviction for this crime. Profit
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| (Some Guy) |
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Woman sees vision of Virgin Mary in lopped off tree branch. Submitter thought he had been goatse'd
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Now we know why Warren Buffett gave his money away, so that his new bride couldn't get it
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Miss your Mom or Dad who's off fighting in Iraq little guy? Well here's a FlatDaddy Life-sized cardboard cut-out of him to make it all better, courtesy of the National Guard. We only WISH this article was from the Onion
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Father of CNN anchor who called her sister-in-law a control freak while on the air says "it takes one to know one." My, that next family reunion should be quite interesting
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not news: Guy makes U. of Nebraska cheerleading squad. News: He just got out of PMITA prison. Fark.com: For chatting inappropriately with a young girl. Due diligence surrenders
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30 years ago today, Canada finally got with the times and announced that its border guards would be armed. Oops, no, wait, that was just today
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Film director finds farting 'deeply meaningful'
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California needs state-run health care, because we all know how well the DMV works
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Great news to all farkers under 30 still living in their parents' basements. You can see the doctor for that sprained PS2 thumb on your parents health insurance. (offer only valid in AZ)
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Mustard gas was banned by international treaty years ago. So, what did the U.S. do with theirs? Hid it in a closet with some weed and Playboys, apparently
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New tsunami warning signs to be hanging in surfers bedrooms soon
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St. Petersburg church fire result of negligence not anti-matter or 2nd coming of christ as originally believed
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Photoshop this Chance Maximillian Curtis, three weeks old tomorrow
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Nothing says "I will never have sex again" more than the personal trailer
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| (DontWalk-Run.com) |
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Photoshop this slightly startled baker
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West Nile, Mad Cow, Monkey Pox, SARS, Avian Bird Flu...and now, presenting an early entry in 2007 hysteria competition...Bluetongue Virus
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10,000 Mexicans prepare to evacuate ahead of Hurricane John ... north to Mexifornia, of course
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Announcing the birth (and subsequent PS contest of) Chance Maximillian Curtis, born Aug 11th
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Norwegian police fend off cloaked figure wearing mask and wielding knife, find missing Scream painting
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ERNESTO upgrade to tropical storm. Credits counseling for getting over depression
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Mormons upset over "sexy episode" of Without a Trace... Apparently they also have a list of a brazillion other things that upset them that everyone else doesn't even care about
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34-year-old woman pulled over for using her laptop *and* her cell phone while driving says she was "driving like I always do"
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Microsoft upset over leaked internal training videos, starring Ricky Gervais from "The Office". Assistant to the Regional Manager unavailable for comment
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Study finds 10% of tuna at sushi bars contains dangerous levels of mercury, unfit to eat. In related news, 100% of Alabama residents call sushi bars 'bait shops'
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| (Fall River Herald News) |
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What better way to get re-elected as prosecutor than an endorsement from someone you put in jail
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Checklist for home invasion: Guns? Check. Rope? Check. Good battery in getaway car? Uh, hold on a sec
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Lexington newspaper runs several ads from attorneys seeking plane crash families for lawsuit potential. No word on who is more asinine, the attorneys themselves or the newspaper for running the ads in the first place
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Iran "welcomes showdown" with UN, promising to put the letter in the same stack with Publishers Clearing House and pre-approved Citibank offers
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McDonalds redesigns its McFlurry lids after complaints that hedgehogs keep getting their heads stuck in them
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South Korean sex expo that promised foreign women in lingerie, striptease acts, and sex seminars should have checked the immigration laws first
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| (spymac) |
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Upon further thought, iPod lawsuit lowered to $.12 because wtf cares about worker's rights?
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Drinking fruit and vegetable juices may help reduce Alzheimer's risk by drinking fruit and vegetable juices
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"It cracks me up when people say they don't get their news from the MSM. What a crock. Where are you getting your news? From the bloggers who soak up the news from 50 mainstream news-dot-coms before they unleash their opinions?"
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Pigeon fight results in four people being hospitalized
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Man with nothing else better to do creates ball of twine that weighs 19,000 pounds. Bernie still MIA with Instamatic
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| (College Humor) |
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Top Gun, redone in old-timey, silent movie style
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| (Some Guy) |
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Not wearing seatbelt increases your chances of dying in a wreck. Ignore people who say that your car might skid into a lake and although your elbow could hit the window switch, you can't float out BECAUSE YOU WORE THE GUMMINT DEATHBELT
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| (Some Guy) |
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Your guide to understanding rap. Or: funny how stupid all the crap sounds when it's translated to English
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Australian cricket group voids Ashes tickets sold on eBay. That way they get to sell the same tickets twice. I believe we've found Step 2
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| (WTOP News) |
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Strip clubs sue to override The Man's legislation which would keep dancers from "mingling" with customers. Can't have unsupervised mingling among consenting adults now, can we?
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Man gives kids a 40mm shell to play with. What could possibly go wrong?
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Feds arrest 15 aliens at Roswell military installation
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RadioShack employees get good & bad news in their email inbox. Bad news, they've just been fired. Good news, the Prince of Nigeria needs their help
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| (WMUR) |
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This week's nasty ass apartment full of cats brought to you by Nashua, NH
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Shark populations in deep decline because we're eating them to death. Your shark wants a frickin' laser beam
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Bar patron leaves $10,000 tip on a $26 bill
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Bay area residents may soon face commuting delay of two and a half years - your dog wants a diaper
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| (Some Guy) |
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How not to impress the police during an interrogation: get up from the table and take a leak in the station garbage can. Cops hate that more than when you spit in their burger
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| (Some Guy) |
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Latest image controversy involves IKEA, which is furiously denying it Photoshopped a dog in its catalog to make it look like it had a human penis. "It really is just a dog with its leg on the couch - nothing else," says company
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Diving into water that's too shallow can cause spinal-cord injury and paralysis. Institute for the Blindingly Obvious and those who failed to heed its warnings and lived would like to remind you of this fact
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| (2GB) |
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Crash investigators conclude plane that slammed into mountain was flying too low
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| (Some Guy) |
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Fake cop tries to arrest men at local pier for sex crimes. Real cops succeed
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Australian aboriginal cop to swap places with Canadian Native Indian Mountie for TV show
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Man charged over conductor death, police positive that prosecution will see little resistance
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| (Trade Pub) |
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Architect offers shocker to home of the slugger
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Share your Ernesto survival stories here. Submitter nearly killed after slipping on slightly wet sidewalk
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| (Bay News 9) |
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Murderer uses mashed toilet paper, dried-up toothpaste, and corner of filing cabinet to make shank. Evil MacGuyver strokes goatee with satisfied smirk
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If you're trying to impersonate a cop, when a real one stops you, don't hand him your "official ID" if it says on the back "CopShop.com, Collectible Badge, Not For Official Use." Or you can be like this guy. Your call
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| (DontWalk-Run.com) |
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Photoshop these statues that will eventually promote restaurants
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| (Some Golden Eagle) |
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Vanilla Ice is touring - if you consider performing in frat house living rooms to be "touring."
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£224million database designed to protect children from abuse may become paedophiles' tool
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| (KEYE - TV dot com) |
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Police shoot and kill teen who was stabbing his mother with a fork. The tines, they are a-changin'
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Charles Barkley is contemplating running for governor of Alabama. Strangely, while he may not be a role model, he might make a reasonable politician
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Chinese students are now getting plastic surgery to improve their chances of getting a job
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| (Some Guy) |
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Do you suffer bag-lady syndrome?
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Court rules US student may wear inflammatory anti-Bush t-shirt to school
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Astronomers say they have witnessed a supernova unfolding in real time
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Cocks are slowly becoming extinct in Britain
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Man pays £200 and spends seven hours having an elaborate tattoo honoring his mother put on his back, then when he proudly shows it to friends, they spot two spelling mistakes. The Sun is there (pic)
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Universal to offer FREE music downloads Except they won't play on an iPod, you can't burn them and each song will include 5 hours of advertising beamed directly to your brain
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If your name is Mi Suk , I'd say your occupation was determined at birth
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Not News: Man saws woman in half. News: He's not a magician. Fark.com: It was his solution to a dispute over a parking spot. Sick wins over scary by half a length
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Man attempting to reach "spiritual perfection" by fasting says the hell with it, breaks into condo and gorges himself on chilli, cream cheese and tortillas before passing out
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Motorists in Britain to be legally allowed to drive on paved shoulders to beat traffic jams. The 'what could possibly go wrong?" cliche seems so inadequate for this one
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San Jose drivers continue to iron out minor disagreements on the highway by stabbing each other
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Forget interest-only; the new hotness is the "negative amortization" mortgage
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Actor Glenn Ford dead at age 90. No word on if wolves were involved
|
| Wed August 30, 2006 |
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Two Chinese reporters who investigated working conditions at Apple's iPod factories being sued for $3.8 million in defamation by Foxconn, Apple's Chinese iPod contractor
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Drought causes rain forest resort to to close down. Irony tag thinks about it, then nods smugly
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FDA proposes ban on skin-bleaching creams, citing safety concerns and general creepiness
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Phillipines officials filling sacks with human hair from barber shops to mop up huge oil spill after some guy from Greenpeace suggested it might be a good idea
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New poll finds one in 12 people have fallen asleep while having sex. The ratio of people who have fallen asleep having sex with certain Farkers is much larger, unlike most everything else
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Average daily commute for U.S. workers falls by 48 seconds, according to this report for the Department of Making Up Statistics
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Apparently unaware of ongoing wildfire cycle in the West, city slickers still insist on building log cabins in stands of dry, windblown timber miles from water or fire departments
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French media report an "enraged" dolphin has been terrorising country's Atlantic coast for weeks, attacking boats and knocking fishermen into the sea. TOUT LE MONDE PANIQUENT
|
| (KIRO TV) |
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Load of frozen salmon finds freedom not all that sweet after the truck they were being hauled in overturns into river
|
| (Some Guy) |
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If you don't like AC/DC, it's probably not necessary to stab one of their fans in the eye with a pair of scissors to express your opinion
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| |
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New national ad campaign features stories of Americans answering "Where were you on Sept. 11?" So, where were you?
|
| (farktography) |
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 69: "portraiture"
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| (Courier) |
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Further proving his country's reputation as a nation of tightwads, Scottish man jumps into sea and swims into festival to avoid paying the £2 admission fee, a stunt even other Scots brand "miserable"
|
| (Photoshop fan) |
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Photoshop this wind-vaned tower
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| (Some Guy) |
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Residents of Zimbabwe are so hungry that a zebra getting hit by a car triggers a stampede as people try to cut off a chunk of it to eat
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Interior decorator steps into 5th floor elevator shaft, gets instant lesson in Newton's First Law of Motion
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I-Mockery's campaign to get "Gymkata" released on DVD worked. It's due out in January (details near bottom of post)
|
| (mediabistro) |
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FOX News prime time ratings fall 28% in August as viewers switch to CNN hoping for more live bathroom feeds
|
| (Ha'aretz) |
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Ha'aretz columnist calls for Hezbollah leader Nasrallah to run for Prime Minister. Of Israel
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Hit and run driver "unstable", says his family. "Also, not a very good driver," say the 14 people he ran over
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In the middle of an armed robbery, felonious Michigan couple (she's 17, he's 34) takes time out for a little oral pleasure. The Smoking Gun is there with mug shots and police report
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Today, we salute you: Mr. High School Student Who Got Miss Universe 2006 as His School Dance Escort
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Serial killer donates one of his kidneys to brother of an ex-girlfriend. It could be an altruistic gesture, or it could be escape on the installment plan
|
| (Some Hungry Fat Guy) |
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AudoEdit a testing session gone awry at the Ben & Jerry's R&D facility
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Naples man will never get to apply lessons learned from jumping ATV across canal
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 |
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30 Things you can do with a Dollar
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Transsexual wants two passports because it is virtually impossible to travel as a woman anymore
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Coolest dress ever, because it is made entirely out of sock monkeys. That is all
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Worst businees ideas according to VCs. Used dog toy site one of the rejects. Woof
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| (Some Guy) |
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Preacher drowns while trying to walk on water in front of entire congregation. Darwin impressed
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Gas prices will be close to 2.00 by the electiooo...er, Thanksgiving
|
| (ABC15.com) |
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Police in Arizona looking for real-life Hamburglar
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Hindu, Muslim groups tussle over India's national song. "Hail, Hail Thine Glorious 7/11" and "India the Beautiful (Place to Outsource Jobs)" surprisingly not in the running
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Higher tuition fees will force students away from partying and drive them towards serious study
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Guy records telemarketers talking to a repeating tape of him sounding interested in their product
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| (Venice Gondolier) |
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Stores in Florida can legally sell pot and crack pipes but only if the stores deny that they are pot and crack pipes. One dumb schmuck didn't know this. In the meantime, look up "bong" on Amazon
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 |
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CNN apologizes to Bush after one of its commentators channels Frank Drebin, carries open mike into toilet during his televised speech
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ABC follows "Blacks Holes Could Destroy Earth" with "If Supervolcano Erupts, Life Could End." Fear-mongering trifecta could end battle between Stupid, Asinine, and Unlikely tags as we know it
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| (Meow!) |
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Photoshop this kitten lickin' its chops
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New York Times blocks Brits from reading articles that they didn't want to read anyway
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Man calls 911, tells dispatcher he saw kangaroo jumping down highway. Swears he was ''completely sane'' and not intoxicated
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