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| Sun June 04, 2006 |
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Scientists find people who have just had a cup of coffee are "more willing to be persuaded." Use this knowledge only for good
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Fertility clinic forced to close its doors after it runs out of sperm
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"Exhibitionism not only improves your social standing in certain circles, it confers celebrity status"
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| (Toledo Tales) |
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Area Man mulls preemptive strike against neighbor's rogue lawn
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6-year-old boy's birthday at Chuck E Cheese includes a surprise sleepover
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| (KSTP) |
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Gas... Check. Washing Machine... Check. Getting blown up... Check
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| (Some Guy) |
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Hamster survives industrial shredder for four minutes. Coming soon to a pet store near you: the ultimate hamster exercise habitat
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| (Great Falls Tribune) |
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Firefighters rescue cat, owner from tree
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| (Some Crab) |
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Photoshop this ugly-ass hermit crab
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Minor league baseball team sells a bacon cheeseburger...served inside a Krispy Kreme donut. Your cardiologist is pricing out a new M5
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27,000-year-old face found on wall of cave in France called "the oldest portrait in the world" (pic)
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| (CTV.ca) |
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15 of 17 Ontario terror suspects appear in court. Which is only like 11 terror suspects American
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| (orlandosentinel) |
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When Jim Cramer mentions a stock on his little TV show, trading prices shoot up immediately
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| (Khaleej Times) |
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Having come to the determination that mosquito netting does nothing for tigers, villagers try poison
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Drunk man takes a bite out of crimefighter
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Dump truck attempts to fly, does not land gracefully on two cars (pic)
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Formerly conjoined twins leave hospital, go their separate ways
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By day, she is the mild mannered mom of three. By night, she hunts the internet for would-be terrorists
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| (WND) |
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I make minimum wage and have a $500 a month car payment, what should i do?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Home shopping and want something a bit different? How about a genuine Templar Knight's castle in Italy?
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| (Some Bored Reader) |
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Farker needs new reading material...what's the best book or series you've read. I tend to read Sci-Fi & Fantasy novels, but am open to all suggestions
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China marks Tiananmen Square anniversary by imprisoning more people, running them over
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Venice is sinking and Disney-fication is the only solution
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Church featured in the first 'Omen' movie worried that remake is going to drive attendance down like the first movie did
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| (SIT News) |
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Alaska Fisheries Development Foundation believes the time has come for salmon-flavored baby food
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| (milwaukee.com) |
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Alabama's official state whiskey returns to shelves, now owned by Georgia company In other news, Alabama has an official state whiskey
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Global warming going to mean the end of 'God's Railway'
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DiamondTouch displays PC screen on tabletop. People sitting around it in electrified chairs use their fingers to create and manipulate virtual objects, and it knows whose fingers did what
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Pussification of Scotland continues after smoking and bottle ban. "We are determined to build a Scotland in which we treat alcohol with respect"
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| (The Age) |
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All about six decades of bikinis, with some safe for work pics of classics
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Tired of your tattoo? Get rid of it with a hand sander
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You know you've reached a new low as a city when Compton is your role model
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Some Guy in Australia was so ridiculed over having sex with Paris Hilton that he had to flee to Thailand to get away from it
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Photoshop this castle
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High school student arrested for being late to graduation ceremony
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| (Bromley News Shopper) |
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10 year-old disabled girl wins award for wheelchair design allowing disabled to participate in archaeological digs; vows to never again get buried by cat
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| (Pirates are silly) |
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Free to a good home: One slightly used ninja
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| (Asbury Park Press) |
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If anyone has ever beaten your ass with a squeegee, you just might be a redneck
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| (Gizmodo) |
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If an elderly man comes up to you wearing a tinfoil hat and says his assisted living home is tracking him with radio tags, he isn't lying
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Photoshop this duck
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Search for modern descendants of Genghis Khan uncovers mild-mannered Miami accounting professor. "'I think I do have a certain number of administrative skills. I haven't done any conquering, per se"
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| (Just Farking cool man.) |
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Pair of robots named Mr. Spike and Mrs. Candy allow hospitalized boy to attend school real-time through telepresence
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| (chinadaily.com) |
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17-year-old boy nearly gets Darwin Award after trying to use kung fu to stop moving train
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| (Cinescape) |
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"Matrix"'s Wachowski Brothers rumored to be writing and directing new "Speed Racer" movie. Hugo Weaving pegged as Racer X; Joe Pantoliano as Chim-Chim
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The latest resource that two countries are fighting over: disposable chopsticks
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| (Gizmodo) |
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Yamaha introduces an airbag for your crotch, crashing your motor scooter was never so much fun. (With crotch cradling pic)
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| (Some Gui) |
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Live from Saturday Night: What's on your desktop? Submit screenshot wipe hands on pants
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| (Witty Asshat) |
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The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
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Geeks can't blame their unemployment on immigrants anymore. H-1B limit already reached for 2007
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| (Phoenix New Times) |
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Here is our menu for the evening. The law? Fark the law
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Idiot couple tries to get high off of helium from giant advertising balloon, die when balloon deflates on them
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| Sat June 03, 2006 |
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Huge party planned for 6-6-06 in Hell, Michigan. Detroit sliently weeps in jealousy
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Sheet lightning barbeques herd of cattle. Your god wants steak
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| (Some TFette) |
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The most tolerant group of cats ever
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| (Some Tourists) |
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Photoshop these women posing with this cannon
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| (Computerworld) |
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20 things you won't like about Windows Vista
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Today's snake gets loose on a plane story brought to you by West Virginia (moved up since you missed it)
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You know how they said that if gay marriage were legalized, people would soon be marrying snakes? Looks like they were right
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| (NBC 4) |
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16-year-old girl arrested for selling self as sex slave sea shells sea shore
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| (NASA) |
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Hello Cleveland Rock (and ash and lava) and roll
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| (Landover Baptist) |
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If your child is born on 06-06-06
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RAF perform flypast for 110 year old. He's the last surviving founder of the Royal Air Force and also the last survivor of the Battle of Jutland
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For some reason, Lexington residents are unhappy with the giant rat colony that has emerged in their neighborhood
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| (Nintendo Revolution) |
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Gamer trying to get Nintendo's Wii considered as an Olympic sport. Argues that it takes at least as much talent as, say, curling
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| (LGN) |
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Whats the strangest thing you keep in your car. Difficulty:not my mom
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Chocolate can generate electricity. Mmmm... chocolate electricity
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| (KSL) |
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Boring: Two restaurants decide not to open stores in Utah. Weird: Their reason that Utah doesn't have 35% of its citizens with college degrees. Fark.com: Utah ranks 17th in the US with degrees, and only DC and Mass. meet the 35% limit
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Answering a question with the phrase "F**k no" is usually unacceptable, especially if you're the director of communications for Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher
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| (SFGate) |
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Indonesian Volcano may erupt, proving God hates Indonesia
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| (TheNaSkAr) |
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Almost time to attend the Chicago Fark Party, 7pm TONIGHT at Fizz
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| (Logicmazes) |
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Theseus and the Minotaur. Can you make it through all 15 levels?
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Grateful Dead keyboard player Vince Welnick has died at the age of 55
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Philadelphia cheesesteak place now refuses to serve customers who can't order in English. Place unlikely to be highly ranked in tourist guidebooks published in Europe
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Man wants to launch himself 20 miles into the sky with a crossbow and some rockets. NASA watching carefully to see how it's done without blowing people up, may be dissapointed
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| (Khaleej Times) |
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This just isn't going to end well. 6 year-old Cambodian boy--believed to be the son of a dragon in former life--sleeps with 16-foot python. With creepy pic
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Argghhhh, behold the ultimate "man's tool" (SFW)
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| (b3ta) |
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Prettiest photos of transparent butterflies you will see today
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| (WLBZ) |
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Cop wins doughnut eating contest two years in a row
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| (citizensforethics.org) |
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Oh, THAT $1.44 million in illegal loans to Senator Frist. Just a simple mistake...sorry
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| (some glutton for punishment) |
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Photoshop TF'er TravelingFreakshow and his inflatable friend
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| (Some Guy) |
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NASCAR-themed romance novels, coming soon to a Winn-Dixie near you
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| (Some Guy) |
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Mona Lisa's voice re-created by scientist. Caption what she had to say
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| (b3ta) |
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Photos of romantic wedding... OF DEATH
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| (Hartford News) |
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Police uncover teens responsible for setting off pipe bomb at castle, setting each other's groins on fire (with pic of flaming groin)
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Day 1 - Russians Refuse to Blindly Follow the US in setting Sanctions Against Iran. Day 2 - Gunmen ambush Russian diplomats in Baghdad. Day 3 - Hmmmmmmmm
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| (Some lazy ass drunk) |
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American ingenuity at it's finest, a scooter/cooler that holds 24 cans of beer, up to a 540pound person, goes 15 mph, and comes with optional trailer for hauling more beer or your dog. You dog calls shotgun
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"Men are speed shoppers, efficient purchasing machines. They narrow their needs down to the essentials, creating wardrobes that require very little thought and require only periodic replenishment"
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| (Daily Mail) |
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All girl school in England told not to wear nighties or skimpy PJ's to breakfast because it was 'upsetting' some of the male kitchen staff (pics)
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| (10 News, San Diego) |
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Man showing off his new assault rifle to a co-worker dismayed to discover that it can still fire without the ammo clip
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Pub tells two-year-old to take off his England shirt because it might start a riot
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Twelve People Arrested With Bomb-Making Material in Toronto. (With completely unrelated pic of biplanes)
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| (RMN) |
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"Since my whole right arm is all naked chicks, a lot of people find that offensive. But, you know, I find it offensive that they find it offensive."
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A week of spectacular miscalculations by British bus drivers in pictures. The Sun is there
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| (China Daily) |
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Injury: Being bitten by a dog. Insult: Being bitten by the dog's owner, too
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| (Odessa American) |
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Texas school principal apologizes for accidentally bringing the gun onto school grounds, and then accidentally firing it
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Dutch woman finds a live frog in her Burger King salad, expresses shock that Burger King is now serving French cuisine
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Jolt gives scholarship to girl suspended for sharing her gum with a friend
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| (Downtown Express) |
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FBI agent dismayed that his new nickname around the office will be "sidewalk killer"
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As Americans are getting bigger hospitals are supersizing
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Dr. Suess monorail ride built in 1999 almost ready to open. Engineers explain they had trouble getting to Solla Sollew
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Forty-three year old stripper experiences every Mom's proudest moment as her daughter joins her on the pole (w/ SFW pic)
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Worst songs the 80s -- the Top 10: It took 45 artists to combine for the ultimate disaster
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this kid and his boomerang
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| (What the Dickens) |
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A collection of 150 everyday expressions from Shakespeare's plays
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The only thing people can agree on is this fight involved one guy with a gun and a dog and one with a club. And yes, since you ask, alcohol was a factor
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Dumb: Robbing a grocery store. Dumber: Robbing the grocery store you work at. Fark: Showing up for work an hour later in the same car you were in when you robbed the store
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"Harry Caray bandit" nabbed by police. Suspect tipped his hand by spelling his demands backwards, wishing out loud that he were made of sausage
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R.I's attorney general fined $10k for saying "duck and run" after being fined $5k for saying "spin and twist." Someone's eating too much lead paint
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Farmer mauled by pig. Now there's a headline you don't see every day
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Don't you hate it when your doctor tells you that you might have fatal lung cancer only to have him come back 18 months later and say your tumor was just a cashew you inhaled? Yeah, tell it to this guy
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| (kdka) |
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Some suburban houses have picket fence, this one has picket line
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these dancing kids
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| Fri June 02, 2006 |
| (woai.com) |
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Former beauty pageant winner turned teacher gets arrested for sexing a student. $500.00 reward for locating her Myspace page
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Norway's postal service now refusing to send dead birds, or parts of them. In other words, you can post no bills
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| (Some Consumerist) |
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How to be a customer service ninja
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Starting today, wealthy Denver commuters can avoid traffic jams by paying to access HOV lanes
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| (Some Guy) |
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10 types of people that disrupt a normal person's way of life
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| (Some Guy) |
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Apparently, allowing a dog to bark close to a prisoner is now torture. The west surrenders to the live TV head-hackers
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| (WLUC TV6) |
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The latest personal hygene craze: ear candling
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| (Free New Mexican) |
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Indian Army in full fledged battle with rats
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| (Some Buckeye Guy) |
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Cleanup would have gone quicker near major university -- Semi of Smirnoff's Ice spilled on Ohio Turnpike
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Nothing says I love you like a traffic cone upside the head
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God fires a warning shot across Pat Robertson's bow
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Study debunks myth that sex causes labor
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| (Red's Scoot Inn) |
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Austinite TFer Texapocalypse recovering from multiple organ failure. Fellow Austinites, come destroy YOUR liver at a benefit party this Saturday, June 3rd, at Red's Scoot Inn, 5pm-1am. Live rock music, standup comedy, and tacos
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man who fabricated story about Jews having to wear badges in Iran is invited to the White House as an expert on that country
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Giant crater found in Antarctica has been tied to worst mass extinction ever. Iranian President Ahmadinejad dismisses the crater as a myth and says Antarctica should be wiped off the map
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| (Aljazeera) |
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Maoists claim Kathmandu's streets. Americans are like "Who?" "Where?"
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| (baraboo news republic) |
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Today's "riding lawnmower DUI" brought to you from Baraboo, WI
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Boat accident ties up traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike
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The new Batman comics are completely farking insane
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Mattel loses trademark battle with Montreal's "Barbie's" barbecue restaurant chain, despite the fact that they're both selling a saucy piece of meat that can result in "body image issues" for consumers
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Possible discovery of alien life reported on CNN... on Science page. Anna Nicole Smith pregnancy: front page story
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Canada to hold vote on future of gay marriage law. Lesbian marriages expected to pass without diffuculty; gay men, to be kicked upstairs to Senate for further review
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| (Thingamababy) |
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Top 10 bizarre Playmobil toys, including hazmat crew, safe-cracker and roadkill picker-upper
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Passersby dig with hubcaps to unearth mototist who survived after a semi overturned, dumping 40 tons of gravel onto her car
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The hottest new sandwich condiment in U.S. is more meat
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U.N. cheif says world is losing battle with AIDS, hair loss
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Women due on June 6, 2006 are having c-sections like the devil
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| (Wonkette) |
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From Bill Frist's son's Facebook profile: "I was born an American by Gods Amazing Grace. Lets bomb some people."
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New study from the Center for the Patently Obvious recommends smaller restaurant portions to help curb obesity epidemic
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| (Some Guy) |
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Guy who predicted a tsunami would destroy the Atlantic coast on May 25th, then shifted to a "48 hour window" around then, now says something bad will happen on June 6th. EVERYBOdy pani... ahh, forget it
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| (Some chicken smoker) |
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Photoshop ye olde smoking kid and chicken
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Anonymous GI donates his purple heart to wounded CBS reporter
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| (Capital News 9) |
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"There was an assumption by the politicians who passed this that because gas at the time was around $3 a gallon, four percent of $3 was going to save you four cents a gallon."
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Court rules dogs and people are not the same thing, despite many unhappy husbands' claims to the contrary
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| (Some Guy) |
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Glasgow responds to people breaking beer glasses in other people's faces in bars as way of saying "Hello" by banning all beer glasses in pubs
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Failed buzzwords, including telecosm and smart mob. This is sure to resonate in the Farkosphere
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MSNBC scoops Ric Romero on the Columbine Massacre video game
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President Bush welcomes Pittsburgh Steelers to White House, congratulates them on their Stanley Cup championship
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To the shock of no one under the age of 35, study finds that virgins lie about their sexual history, making the findings abstinence-based sex-education programs moot
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| (Racine Journal Times) |
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Tax collector left flushed after leaving $28,000 on restaurant toilet
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Deaf-mute crime ring busted. Police won't say how they caught them, but quick hearings aren't expected
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| (CentreDaily) |
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Man shows up drunk for DUI hearing
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Woman charged with injecting cleaning fluid into husband's IV in hospital room. Oops
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Portable electronic safe protects your iPod at the beach by shrieking at 90 db when somone picks it up
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Police officer discovers that the only thing worse than a taser failing to subdue a suspect is when the suspect takes the taser away and uses it on the cop's genitals
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"It's comical when you start thinking of chickens in your school, but it's just another chapter in the book of school administration"
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| (Metro.co.uk) |
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Man builds model of Titanic out of five million matchsticks, including iceberg
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Air marshall blows his undercover status by dropping clip full of bullets while boarding a plane
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NJ police officer admits that driving naked to avoid getting his car seats wet, getting into an accident and then fleeing the scene naked was "one of the most foolish things I've done." Cue blinking "Obvious" tag
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Mayor Ray Nagin rides through French Quarter in white horse-drawn carriage surrounded by brass bands and dancing Indians en route to inauguration. Glad to know New Orleans isn't suffering from any problems
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| (east valley tribune) |
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Hyundai Sonata clocked doing 147 mph in Scottsdale, shattering speeding record by 16 mph. A Hyundai?
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| (Pittsburgh Tribune Review) |
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Today's "naked woman tries to shoplift peanuts running through traffic while brandishing a hubcap" story is brought to you by Pittsburgh
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Here's to you, Mr. "I'm Stuck in the Liquor Store and I Can't Get Out" Guy
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Broncos quarterback pleads not guilty in road-rage incident. Lawyer plans to introduce well-known evidence that Plummer is unable to hit anything after Thanksgiving
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| (Some QC Alum) |
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NY state controller praises NY senator, saying the senator "will put a bullet between the president's eyes" at college commencement. What could possibly go wrong?
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Eight foreign workers abducted from Nigerian oil rig 100 km off the coast. Even the magic eight ball couldn't see that one coming
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Scientists create menopause beer. Female test group likes it because it tastes good and doesn't stick to their mustaches
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| (Some Saltine) |
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Photoshop this cracker
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Hot illegal immigrant webcam action coming soon to a Texas near you
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Stop us if you've heard this one before: So there's this muslim country, right, and they "could develop nuclear weapons in just five years"
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Concrete handbag used in assault on All Black rugby star passes NZ$100k mark
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Romania now requires roosters to have their own passport if they wish to enter the country
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| (Some Guy) |
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Shaw gives customer free webspace. Customer uses it to bash Shaw. (NSFW language)
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East Timor looting goes wholesale -- cutting out the middleman saves big over retail
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Playboy launches racy new show involving couples getting it on -- encourages partakers to discover "their inner bisexuality," unless they are male
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Judge: It's unconstitutional to make students stand for pledge. Child obesity activists outraged
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Italian Candid Camera crews approaching women sunbathing with their tops untied and frightening them so they jump to their feet while the cameras capture the hilarity
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Orthodox Jew buys parrot only to find it swears like a drunken trucker. Rabbi wants to kill it or cut its tongue out, but his wife promises divorce if he does. When is anything in the Middle East straightforward?
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| (Some red sox fan) |
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Springfield, MA Fark Party this Saturday at Naismith's on Worthington. Western Mass needs love too
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Jeb Bush says adequate government hurricane response is "a lot harder when people line up in their Lexuses and Mercedes to get ice and water at a public distribution site when the Publix is open a block away"
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| (Some pallbearer) |
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Local news: Taxi slams into hearse in Philippines. National news: Corpse goes flying out of taxi and gets run over by another car. Fark news: Local police can't decide whether to file homicide charges against taxi driver
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this second lieutenant
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Homeless U.S. soldier fights off group of attacking teens after they disturb his beer-drinking time (with pics)
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| Thu June 01, 2006 |
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The only people watching the national spelling bee closer than the parents of the kids in it are the the people who have bets riding on it
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California Supreme Court: Police may enter Californians' homes without warrants to arrest those suspected of driving under the influence. Can you say police harrassment?
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| (Post-Gazette) |
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Actual headline: Students told not to drive tractors to school
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New "Iraq massacre" tape emerges
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Bill Clinton will require all female White House staffers to wear blue dresses when he becomes "First Gentleman"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Someone steals tractor-trailer full of Coca-Cola in Alabama and drives it to Atlanta, which seems a bit like stealing ice in Arizona and hoping to sell it in Iqaluit
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While a hurricane may wipe out your town this season, you can make an assload of money betting on it as Internet bookies now offering lines on such things
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The news reports of Dan Rather's impending divorce are as fake as W's national guard service documents
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United States to battle too-narrow waistlines with meat-on-meat burgers
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| (Some Amused Judges) |
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If you're going to write and self-publish a book about your fraud scheme, wait for the statute of limitations to expire
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Iran welcomes nuclear talks with U.S., but refuses to accept proposed conditions, especially the part about naked pics of Bea Arthur
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In what may be the concierge booking of the year, corrections department places seven paroled sex offenders in same hotel. Covers it up by saying it's a monastery for Catholic priests
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| (WESH) |
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Student arrested after spiking another student's Mountain Dew with bleach
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| (Staten Island Advance) |
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Anti-terror funding in NY, D.C. cut 40 percent. Louisville, KY gets 40 percent increase. Protecting against Farkistani terrorists
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| (Some Guy) |
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Headline about Louisiana politics too long for Fark. Condensed version: "Prostitution, suicide, false police reports and a paid-off sheriff." Picture of politician provided
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this stretchy cat
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All those official sounding organizations that pooh-pooh global warming are being brought to you courtesy of Exxon Mobil
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Meet other Farkers in your town -- step up and throw a Fark party soon
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Allstate dropping earthquake insurance for Washington State homeowners. Because earthquakes never happen when you're sitting on the edge of a tectonic plate
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| (Some Guy) |
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Christopher Columbus letter to be auctioned off in London. Entire text consists of: "Porque hay tanto farking hurricanos?"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Alcohol "protects old against mental decline." So here's another drink, Grandma -- please put your pants back on and get off the bar
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| (Some Guy) |
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Study finds education, regular beer consumption, makes better fathers. Actually, that last part was made up, but fathers everywhere would agree with it
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| (Asheville Global Report) |
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U.S. Department of Energy reluctantly plans to test 700-ton bomb to see if it's big enough to drop on Iran, mutters "nuking them from orbit is the only way to be sure"
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| (Some Drunk) |
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Irish spend three times more on alcohol than any other European nation. Cheers
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Some headlines just say it all: "Toronto hosts world's first 'feminist porn' awards"
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| (NBC San Diego) |
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Witness foils robbery by slashing tires of getaway car
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Stop complaining about your HMO. At least they don't make you wear a tortoise on your head
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| (NBC13) |
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Police in Birmingham looking for a "person of interest" regarding a shooting. He is described as having a grill, lots of bling-bling and a gold watch. In other words, he looks like every other drug dealer in the city
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| (Some Doctor) |
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Would you wear a medical USB drive?
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It's official: Appeal of Janet's boob a flop
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| (NBC30.com) |
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Man suing EMT's in dispute over whether or not he's dead
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Cingular to roll out the "world's smallest" flip phone
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Teddy bears from across globe given sightseeing trips of Munich and provided German lessons (with pics)
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Best picture of Condelezza Rice you'll ever see. Also, something about Iran
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| (Honolulu Star-Bulletin) |
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Hundred-year-old woman becomes U.S. citizen after living here 79 years. Still can't speak English
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Women run up higher cellphone bills than men. Isn't that a stunning revelation? It's as if they talk more on the phone
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| (WSTM) |
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Guy arrested after attacking his mother during argument over "American Idol"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Woman struck by lightning while praying is also suspected of holding a putter and yelling "rat farts!"
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Best Buy promises to destroy old hard drive when swapping in a new one. It ends up in a flea market in Chicago. "Thousands of Possibilities" indeed
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this unorthodox firing position
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England flags attached to cars for World Cup may be illegal, for 'startling wildlife'
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| (Some Guy) |
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Politician blames affair with male escort on male pattern baldness
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| (Pioneer Press) |
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Bank robber wore White Castle garb
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Brides-to-be enjoy lap dances from female strippers at booze-drenched Vegas bachelorette parties, while grooms are settling for rounds of golf and trips to the day spa
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U.S. troops in Iraq to receive ethics training. Told to try and not massacre civilians, or at least not to leave witnesses
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| (chinadaily.com) |
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A would-be Japanese bank robber asked staff how he should carry out the crime before meekly obeying a request to leave and then accidentally stabbing himself in the leg with a knife he was carrying
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| (NOLA.com) |
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Hurricane season starts today. EVERYBODY PANIC
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Marketing "The Omen" as a film with a "curse" on its stars is a great way to counter the much more powerful "Curse of Suckage"
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| (Ooops!) |
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Seagate to delete and defrag Maxtor
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Liquor-store clerk explains he sold beer to an underage buyer because he was too distracted by her skimpy clothing to pay attention to her ID
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Sex offenders sue for playground access. Well, not exactly, but it sells more papers when written this way
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| (Newschannel 5) |
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Tennessee to start taking away fishing/hunting licenses of deadbeat parents. Because a person who wouldn't support their own kids would never hunt or fish without a license
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| (Some Guy) |
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Parents dismayed to receive letter from high school that announces a new plan to stop kids from sneaking booze to the prom -- by having an open bar with strict eight-drink limit
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Halle Berry takes her X-Men Storm costume home, wears it during sex (with pic of Halle in her costume -- SFW)
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Man killed by toy boat toy boat to boit twi bit
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The wrong way to dry a wet baby
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| (Wild 95.5) |
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Video of the radio DJ trying to swim across the Intercoastal Waterway
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Cop -- fired for using dash-cam to tape bikini-clad girls -- got in trouble once before for using department computers to look at web porn
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"I believe that like sunshine and great sex, no day is bad that has barbecue in it"
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Prison officials embarrassed after discovering that the former drug kingpin they let visit the prison for a sermon is still, in fact, wanted on charges
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| (Some Chip) |
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"Your panties are broadcasting on my frequency"
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"I've got Fudgesicles, Nutty Buddys, Bomb Pops and a BAC of 0.24"
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Man charged with rustling seven calves from New York State farmer. Fun fact: He managed to fit them all into his Dodge Neon
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this Lynx borealis
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"Say, that new guy you hired sure is quick at filling up the customers' gas tanks and taking their money." "New guy? I didn't hire any new guy"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Saturday. June 3rd. 7:00 p.m. Fizz. Chicago Fark Party. Drew will be there accepting donations of beer
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| (INS News) |
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Documentary, featuring clips from movies and TV shows that teens have seen a million times, pulled from classroom for being a "violation of the students' mind, spirit and soul"
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Cop chasing suspect commandeers golf cart, chases him across course until he runs out of bounds. Perpetrator looking at considerably more than two-stroke penalty
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Zimbabwe issues $100,000 bill so citizens can buy a loaf of bread with just one note
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Tip for female sexual predators: If you give your 16-year-old boytoy a Mercedes-Benz, his mom is probably going to get a little suspicious. The Smoking Gun is there with the babe's mug shot
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Teen left home alone blows up house (deep breath) by putting laundry on top of stove, which set fire to the clothes, spread to a bag of groceries and caused can of deodorant in it to explode and that blew off the roof and burned down the house
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| (Some Guy) |
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Licking your eyebrows? Teh sexay. Growing them long enough to put in your mouth? Not so much
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Fifty-nine percent of young Brits drink to get drunk. The other 41 percent do it to get laid
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| (Brooklyn Papers) |
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Cutthroat competition, midnight attacks, strategic plotting -- the stuff of a Tom Clancy novel? Nope, a gardening competition in Brooklyn
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| (Billings Gazette) |
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Lookalike girls get into car wreck; Laura's in a coma, Whitney dies. When Laura wakes up from coma, she doesn't recognize parents, because she's actually Whitney, and Laura is buried in Whitney's grave
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| (Farktography) |
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 56: "The Written Word." Link goes to next week's contest. Please read first post
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| Wed May 31, 2006 |
| (KATU Portland) |
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Man driving with family accidentally rolls his car down into ravine. Is unhurt, but manages to earn his Darwin award by getting the loaded rifle out of his car to use as a walking stick
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| (Some Artist) |
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Photoshop this work of art
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Teddy bear stopped by German agents for eating $64k worth of cocaine and shacking up with an underage girl
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Drunk car thief identified by his fingerprints on hot-dog wrapper; will now get a plump one in the buns
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OJ's daughter in legal trouble. "Obvious" tag fits like a glove
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| (TPMmuckraker) |
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Senate Minority Leader Reid's boxing tix weren't tickets, had no price and would be illegal to pay for. Good story, though
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At the CNN newsroom today: Lawyer abducted... zzzzz... being taken to ATMs to withdraw money... zzzzz... is white with blonde hair... OMG RUN IT RUN IT
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New York councilman targets graffiti taggers, calling them "punks" and "miscreants". City's graffiti taggers target him in response. His name is now literally everwhere
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| (ninemsn) |
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Oil prices fall $2 due to...*shakes magic 8 ball*...U.S. opening talks with Iran. Ah hell, this thing's broken again
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Author of the novel "The Graduate" pens a sequel to pay the rent before he gets evicted. Also, he has a female parter named "Fred"
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| (ConWeb Watch) |
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For some reason, conservative "news" portals can't leave Dr. Kinsey or his reports alone
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| (wsoctv.com) |
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If you're going to build a $32 million whitewater park and plan to hold grand opening in two weeks, you might want to make sure homeowners don't own the one road leading to it and don't put up barricade (with pic)
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Twenty-five things every New Yorker should know. Strangely, "We are not the center of the universe" missing from list
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British hotel offers soccer-free zone for people sick of wall-to-wall World Cup coverage and who have never heard of a similar soccer-free zone known as "North America"
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Elderly woman refuses to pay property taxes until city gets the hookers and junkies off her damn lawn
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| (Some Guy) |
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Interview with captain of ThePirateBay.org. Arrr
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South Carolina approves bill to execute repeat sex offenders. In other news, North Carolina's population doubles overnight
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| (Some Guy) |
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Only time you will ever see the words "drunk lederhosen-clad yodelling folk dancer" in a news story
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| (Some Dude) |
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Five reasons why Dell's new retail stores will fail
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Governer Bush to sign "Dining with Dogs" bill. Your dog wants a menu
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Yugoslav dictator, mass murderer Slobodan Milosevic died naturally and was not poisoned, as much as we would have liked that to happen
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N a t i o n a l S p e l l i n g B e e g o e s p r i m e t i m e. W h o g i v e s a s h i a t
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Grandparents offer $100 to undercover police officer to kill their daughter-in-law, three grandkids and their pet dog. (With anus-cringing picture)
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| (Some Old Guy) |
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Theme: If the world were really flat. Difficulty: No turtles
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| (Orlando Sentinel) |
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Theme parks expect stiff sales as tickets for "Gay Days" get lapped up quickly
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New Orleans sinking faster than George Bush's approval rating; well, maybe not that fast
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"Is God really going to let the Earth burn up?" Seeing as how God let all the Jews in Europe be killed last century, let's go with "yes"
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| (Euobserver) |
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Lithuanian cabinet topless
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Memorial Day increasingly becoming the day we remember drunken drivers, traffic fatalities and friends lives that were snuffed short on the highway
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| (Some pugilist) |
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Senate minority leader Harry Reid defends free boxing tix: "I have an obligation to make sure boxing is conducted properly in Nevada." Oh, and brothels too
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| (WSMV) |
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Murfreesboro robbers increasingly facing the beatdown by their intended victims
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Woman wins $2.1 million from matchmaker who failed to make her a match, find her a find, catch her a catch
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man -- being chased by police after trying to steal a car -- jumps into canal and tries to steal a jet ski. Oh the tasering, how it ensued
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man builds a nice little cottage industry pleading guilty to speed-camera tickets in exchange for cash until police notice he seems to do a hell of a lot of driving
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The Sony PSP might be used to access pornography. EVERYBODY PANIC
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Radio DJ tries to swim Intercoastal Waterway during morning-show promotion. Twenty-fifth caller to correctly guess that hilarity ensued wins a crappy trinket
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Don't you hate it when your neighbor plays his music too loud, lets his dog poop on your lawn, and sets the neighborhood on fire?
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Man decides to stand up to big oil; in the process, loses his $1 million home and now lives in a van down by the river
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And in other Florida McDonald's news, Ronald McDonald has been stolen. Last seen wearing a yellow jumpsuit, red-and-white striped shirt and red boots
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| (Glasgow Herald) |
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Seventy-year-old Scottish actor charged after spanking 21-year-old actress: "All pretty little girls deserve to be spanked once a day"
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Police unsure where bone found near strip club came from
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"Butt Force" fining smokers who litter. Made up entirely of people with no good hobbies
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| (China Daily) |
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China Daily identifies the face of the new Dutch pedophile political party
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Perish the thought that Mayor Daley would have to wait in traffic while driving to summer home in Michigan
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Mizzou scientists supplement diet of rainbow trouts with creatine, creating a fish five times stronger and thus more of a fight for anglers. Also able to hit 70 home runs in a season
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| (Winona Daily News) |
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Bad: Unusually warm weather for time of year. Worse: Broken computer-controlled thermostats render AC unavailable. Fark: Judicial robes allowed to come off in court
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| (Some Guy) |
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Put the image of Jesus on all your baked goods with the Jesus Pan. Christ, this is good bread
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Heard about the guy who was sold a broken laptop on Ebay and so took revenge by extracting embarrassing content from the hard-drive and publishing it online? Well, the seller's now done the decent thing and, erm, gone crying to the police
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| (Citizen - Times) |
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Murderer to use the ground-up Xanax defense
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Floridiot attacks man in front of him at McDonald's drive-thru, loses, dies, death ruled justifiable self defense. Floridiot's ma sues McDonald's
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University professor claims neanderthals had cave raves. Still searching for fossilized glow sticks for positive proof
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| (The Ledger) |
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As hurricane season approaches, government tries to teach a new, unheard of concept called "self reliance"
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Accompanying photo shows the pure, unbridled joy of tasting soy-sauce-flavored ice cream
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Disney to sell films on CinemaNow.com for $19.95, but you won't be able to record them to DVD. This should go well
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Collector pays over $750,000 for letters from Voltaire to Catherine the Great so he can read them candidely
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| (Some Guy) |
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Philosophy professor has speeding ticket thrown out of court after arguing that no matter what the numbers on the signs were, the background was the wrong color and so was existentially confusing
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| (Show Me News) |
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Real headline: "Illinois man nabbed for bagging beer, two hams. Thief has penchant for smoked meat"
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| (Philadelphia Inquirer) |
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Philadelphia official caught using $13,000 in federal funds on birthday and going away parties for himself. Included $1,600 for rental of luxury porta john
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| (Fashion Wire Daily) |
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It's almost that time. Set your line up, manage your team and scour the waiver wire. That's right: Fantasy Fashion League time
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| (Some Guy) |
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Al Gore admits that his movie contains lies, but claims it's for a good cause. Our house shrink takes a closer look at Al Gore and his morals
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Toledo mayor, who once suggested moving deaf people near the airport, refers to African-American fire chief as "King Kong"
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| (Macon Telegraph) |
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Discussion about oral sex between three students leads to their suspensions. School mostly concerned because they happened to be third-graders
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Guy caught at county fair filming up girls' dresses. His supervisor at the local children's home doesn't see this as a problem
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How to deal with getting a traffic ticket, lesson No. 1: Do NOT roll up the police officer's hand in your window and drive away
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With bacteria strains becoming increasingly drug-resistant to antibiotics, patients increasingly looking at Russian treatments using bacteriophages
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Thousands of people have paid $22.95 to see items used by Marilyn Monroe... that may not have actually been hers. This way to the egress
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| (Some Guy) |
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I'll take "Scientific Sex Terminology" for $500, Alex
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption this girl and her lover
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| (Local London) |
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Couple complains council's closed-circuit camera could capture coitus 'cause curtains can't close
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| (Spacewar.com) |
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Scientists create awesome new jetpack thing that will allow paratroopers to fly 150 miles before landing. (With pic)
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| (Adirondack Daily) |
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Astronauts' tools are missing. No one can hear you scream in space
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| (tcpalm.com) |
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Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb rob a bank. What could possibly go wrong?
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Computer filter bans emails containing the word "erections." Which is fine, except if it belongs to a municipal planning authority
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| (RGTonline.com) |
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In Washington State, playing online poker will now get you more jail time than a DUI
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OK, so we have a 55-year-old man in a women's bathing suit (purple), a flare gun (loaded) and his vow to bartenders that he was going to get rid of the city's "dirt bags." Now where's that tag? Ah, there it is
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| (PC World) |
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HD-DVD or Blu-Ray? Either way, be prepared to grab your ankles and take it up the pooper
|
| (First Coast News) |
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"Weapon of Mass Destruction" found... in Waldo Florida... attached to the AC unit of a sex-toy store
|
| (Some Boy Scout) |
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The U.S. Supreme Court confirms that Boy Scouts are still allowed to be Boy Scouts
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Celebrities in the past and now. Their hairstyle is really something
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| (Some Moorish Guy) |
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Photoshop this wheelwright's stone lying beside the Sortridge leat in Dartmoor
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This week's self-severed and reattached penis story brought to you by Kuala Lumpur
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| Tue May 30, 2006 |
| (RCR News) |
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Vodafone posts record $41,000,000,000 loss
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Mt St Helens clears her throat with 16,000 foot ash shot (pics)
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| (My Sickly Sweet Satan) |
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Satanists claim driveway for their dark master with severed-goat's heads, pentagram and that most diabolical of all fruit, the coconut
|
| (Some Guy) |
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5 Ways To Market Yourself As An Expert
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| (wsbtv.com) |
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Woman in her home gets struck by lightning while praying
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| (agapepress.org) |
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Indiana God warriors declare war on p0rn
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Hell's Angels found to be building rocket launchers in regional Australia. US chapters fail to notice breach of corporate image because they're too busy suing Disney
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People buying unofficial World Cup merchandise risk possible illness, injury or even death. Soccer hooligans unavailable for comment
|
| (Iowa City Press-Citizen) |
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Ashton Kutcher surprised he can't get a helicopter to pick him up. At 2:00 AM. On a Sunday. In Iowa
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| (manchesteronline.co.uk) |
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Solar Powered Building proves that it doesn't always rain in Manchester
|
| (Press Association) |
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Arizona dog weighing in at 3 times normal body weight now put on diet. Previous owners fed her donuts and beer, your dog wants lean steak
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Goalkeepers say the new World Cup ball is a "nightmare", possibly because it looks like it is decorated with maxi-pads (w/ pic)
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Man with business selling green crocodile curry and snake vodka gets permission to keep leopards in his garden. You can imagine how thrilled the neighbors are
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Reporter embedded with marines who allegedly knowingly massacred civilians can't believe they'd do such a thing. Her logic? They never did anything like that when she was with them (and her camera was rolling)
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Singer Morrissey wades into animal rights debate in Britain by threatening animal lab workers "we'll get you." Presumably by showing up and whining at their houses in the middle of the night
|
| (Northern Advocate (NZ)) |
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New Zealand divers set world record for underwater ironing. In other news, people can iron underwater and do it for fun
|
| (Cincinnati Bengals) |
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Headline that sounds dirty but really isn't brought to you by "The Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic"
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| (Some Landing Strip) |
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Delta's new ad campaign
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| (The News & Observer) |
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Congressional candidate runs ad featuring mariachi music and announcer warning that if opponent wins, "America would be nothing but one big fiesta for illegal aliens and homosexuals"
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Canadians are healthier than Americans, and not because average life expectancy rises in a country where three-year-olds don't have concealed carry permits and you don't have to mortgage your house to get a hangnail fixed
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Zoo debates age-old question: Offer more animals or offer beer?
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Speed camera falsely accuses man of driving 70 miles per hour in the silliest little car with a three cylinder, 25 hp engine you'll see today
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| (Baseball's integrity) |
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Help this blogger out and vote for two of the worst players in baseball to make the All-star game
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A car traveling 100mph in DC crosses over roads, a bus stop, newspaper vending machines, a person's head, hits a department store and explodes. Driver survives
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| (Fredricksburg Free Lance-Star) |
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Taco Bell employee adds her own "Bordersauce" to customer's drink, gets six month prison sentence. Former employees Steve Smith, Krist Novoselic, Jose Padilla unavailable for comment. Especially Jose Padilla
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Fark's favorite state wants to ban hats and sunglasses in banks
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