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| Sun January 22, 2006 |
| (Some Bottled-In-Bond Guy) |
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Scientists at the Dept Of Making Stuff Up in a tizzy over global warming's effect on Kentucky bourbon production.(article on the right)
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Army prepares to test-fire gun that can shoot 240,000 rounds a minute. NRA already thinking up reasons for owning one of these - like a million burglars are breaking into your home and you only have four minutes to defend yourself
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Majority of U.S. managers prefer to communicate by email. The decisions are just as stupid, but you can make whatever faces you like as you read them
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FBI names top 10 crimes against art in the world. Thomas Kinkade, Andrew Lloyd Webber conspicuously absent from list
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US Navy destroyer chases down traditional dhow filled with pirates, demonstrating to Civ IV players importance of upgrading your fleet
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Hurricane evacuees want Louisiana to be built better than it was before. Better, stronger, faster
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| (CTV) |
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As they head to the polls, Canadians warned they can face three months in PMITA prison for spoling, defacing or eating their ballots
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Bahrain company hiring Michael Jackson to help design amusement parks. Photoshop some of the attractions
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"There is a lunatic fringe to the orchid world, and a fine line between the average grower and the horticulturally insane."
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| (WHO TV) |
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Stealing billions from US Taxpayers and doing business with Iran in direct violation of US Sanctions was obviously not enough. Halliburton is now giving polluted water to US Troops. Cheney seen mumbling "excellent"
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Football discussion
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NBC puts "The West Wing" out of its misery. "There's a point when you look at the ratings and say, it feels like it's time,"
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| (Contact Music) |
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New Brando biography promises oral history
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Terrible law student matures into terrible lawyer. Here is his story
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| (history of these games) |
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Official your team sucks, my team rules, the refs suck, AFC/NFC Conference Championship discussion thread
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| (Some Guy) |
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Paramedics suspended for not responding to emergency call because "it wasn't their turn"
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Several wealthy 'cryonauts,' who freeze their bodies after death in the hope of someday being revived, are exploring ways to hold onto their wealth in the frosty hereafter -- in effect, leaving their money to themselves
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| (Buffalo News) |
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Privately-minted $20 "Liberty" coins on their way to becoming the new Taco Bell $2 bills
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| (Impact Lab) |
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Interesting op-ed piece on the Google/DOJ story from this week
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| ((Ferrofluid Sculptures Aficionad) |
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Ferrofluid Sculptures
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| (Impact Lab) |
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China is working to build the world's first nuclear fusion device. What could possibly go wrong?
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Latest culinary trend: secret, unlicensed "underground" restaurants
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop theme: the latest in Nerf technology
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| (Some Guy) |
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Wicked Northern Lights pics
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| (WESH) |
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"Lolita" pulled from school library shelves to keep teachers from molesting their students
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Overshot the runway, and you're to blame, you give pilots a bad name
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| (Some Guy) |
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Woman finds lottery tickey in birthday card from 1992 that turns out to be a 75k winner
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| (National Enquirer) |
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N'Syncers Joey and Lance pitching Odd Couple-type sitcom to UPN in attempt to cross-suck from music to TV; well, Joey's pitching. Lance is catching
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It's okay to sexually assault and harass female celebrities if you're a fashion designer and "poke and prod at people's dresses every day."
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| (baynews9) |
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Stalker of American Idol finalist repeatedly called her saying he "loved her and was willing to go to jail for her." Good thing he's OK with that last part
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| (Some Running Man) |
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Runners complete 4 mile round trip including downing a dozen glazed doughnuts in the inaugural Krispy Kreme Challenge
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Professor pretends to be neo-nazi to test the waters of political correctness on campus. Liberal professors are not amused to discover they have been made fun of but are now between a Reich and a hard place
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| (Andromeda Strain) |
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Photoshop this spacecraft that returned to Earth with samples from space
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Brewery holds rain dance for dry Texas town
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Five guys converge on Beaver Street hoping to meet "hooker" who advertised on craigslist. Jailarity ensues
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Researchers claim suntan oil sewage is turning male fish into female fish
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Thailand's Prime Minister to star in own reality show to boost popularity
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| Sat January 21, 2006 |
| (Tucson Citizen) |
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Man says he is a paranoid schizophrenic, discovers they really are out to get him as deputy responds by chasing him, tasering him, tackling him, and holding him down in the middle of the road until he gets run over
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| (ArcadeZero.Com) |
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Good time wasting game - how long can you last without blowing up on the walls?
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| (New Haven Advocate) |
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Chuck Norris to oversee world-wide martial arts competition to determine "America's Toughest City". He will then eat the city and roundhouse the submitter for this mediocre headline
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| (Ars Technica) |
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If you're an aspiring inventor...The RIAA/MPAA want to take your baby away. The EFF is on the case
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Having solved that whole 'world peace' thing the UN now wants control over building permits
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| (Florida Today) |
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Naked man calls police after intruder breaks into his house and attacks him with baseball bat. Police rush to scene and promptly arrest naked, bleeding victim. Suspect still at large
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Buskers take bung, results in a burning ring of fire
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I couldn't lose unless I was caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy
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| (ScienceDaily) |
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Just in time for the Olympics: "penis fencing"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this checkered hallway
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| (wsoctv.com) |
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If you were hoping to make an extra $100,000 at your tavern during NFL playoffs, first make sure you're allowed to sell alcohol on Sundays
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| (Record) |
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Man plasters photos of scantily-clad ex-wife around town to wish her happy 40th birthday. Except she was only 37, and neither she nor the cops saw the humor in it
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Twelve kidnapped Swedish garden gnomes found in snowy forest, standing in a ring beside a lighted bonfire. Drew's gnome still unaccounted for
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Judge calls anti-nudity laws on Daytona Beach unconstitutional
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| (Press & Journal) |
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Sex shop in Inverness that promised live sex show in window disappoints on two counts: The performers turned out to be rabbits and they didn't feel like performing
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| (CNN SI) |
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Duke suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (breath) uuuuuuuuuuuuks
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| (Buffalo News) |
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Violent crime is up in Canada. Naturally, this is somehow the United States' fault
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Residents of Gaywood Drive are so mad about constant theft of their street signs that they could just scream
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Troops return from Iraq to say "I'm rich biaaatch"
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| (KTVO) |
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Heidi Klum's legs are insured for $2.2 million - $1.2 for the right leg but just $1 million for the left, because it's the grotesquely deformed one
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| (some lovestruck guy) |
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When making a heart of candles on your beloved's front yard, try not to burn down her house
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| (Tomhshardware.com) |
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Quantum processor produced, wear helmet while reading or brain will splode from sheer amazement
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| (Kentucky.com) |
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Kentucky basketball team undergoes therapy sessions to break losing streak. Duke sucks
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One can of Red Bull or two may keep you awake while you're driving, but don't slam back 20 of them, as you may then want to lead police on a high-speed chase
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Upset that his competitors were costing him money by repeatedly hitting his Google ads, man writes software to combat "click fraud."
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| (ITV) |
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Woman wins £1.5 million lottery jackpot, manages to hide it from her husband for three years
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Disabled athlete misses his stolen car, but not as much as he misses the $5,000 artificial leg that was in the trunk
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Bored with planning to blow up the US, Osama bin Laden picks up a second gig as a book reviewer
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Thames whale captured. London sushi bars on standby
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| (Some Guy) |
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A parking space in Manhattan costs as much as rent in other places
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this wall
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| (Palladium) |
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If the police find you stuck in someone's driveway with a car full of their stuff, you can't make your problems go away by telling the cops, "We better take it back inside the house so we won't be charged with theft"
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| (Impact Lab) |
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How getting undressed reveals your personality
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Scientists take first step towards self-healing spacecraft, would have given more details but Hal didn't feel like opening the pod bay doors at the time
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From the who didn't see this coming dept: Website that reviews prostitutes
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25,000-strong New York Transit workers union rejects contract offer by seven votes. January is a fine month to do a bit of walking
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Wrongfully convicted man for twenty-one years awarded $100 for every day he was behind bars. No word on his 401K plan
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| (wral.com) |
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Singapore court spares transsexual drug dealer from caning because law prevents women from suffering that punishment
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There once was a jihadist from Nantucket
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Man who failed large vehicle driving test, then wrote letter to driving center saying he would scatter nails over training course, arrested for just that
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| (Impact Lab) |
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Hydropolis - The world's first underwater hotel under construction in Dubai. For people who like to sleep in wet beds
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these jump ropers
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Camel jumps out of trailer at 55 mph, bounces to safety
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Moonshine still explodes in Norway housing row
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MIT architect takes treehouses to a whole new level
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| Fri January 20, 2006 |
| (starmagazine.com) |
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Jennifer Love Hewitt is going to pose for Playboy to confirm her boobies are good
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Venezuela plans to go on "buying spree." Intends to take advantage of "buy 3 tanks, get 1 free" special offer and buy as many rocket-propelled grenades as possible, 'cause they are, like, soooo in this season
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Doctor Who makes it to America
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The 2006 elections will be a terrorist attack on American voters
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| (Some Willy Wonka) |
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Did anybody else have mental images of Oomp Loompas rebuilding New Orleans?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Woman succumbs to injuries suffered from dropping a banana on her leg. Gwen Stefani seen mumbling and shaking her head
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200 square foot shed on Ireland's coast put on market for 120,000 euros
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Banker faces firing after email of his sex life spread round the world, along with his new nickname, "Immi the pimp daddy"
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| (Lebowski 3:5) |
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The Dude continues to abide
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| (WCVB) |
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If you're going to use the phony bomb technique to rob a bank, make sure the bag doesn't have your name and address written inside it
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Reporter tries to use false references to expose poor screening, but turns out the screening isn't so poor after all. Said reporter is arrested
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Contraceptives taken by injection made obese test subjects fatter, more likely to be rolled in flour
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First Reese Witherspoon, now Natalie Portman. Oh noes Golden globes dress trifecta is now in play
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| (Some Guy) |
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Indianapolis Colts raise prices of tickets, presumably to cover the cost of heimlich maneuver classes
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The "dead body guy" who set up a Web site promoting himself to play a corpse in TV or movies has actually landed a job playing a corpse in a movie
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This just in: All that junk we've been dumping in space for the last 40 years isn't cleaning itself up
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| (Boston Herald) |
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Man says Howard Stern show isn't worth paying for, rebroadcasts it on the Internet
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"Oh crap," said the man after realizing the door to the public toilet he was using had been frozen shut
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these four horsemen into an appropriate apocalypse
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Iran's president meets with anti-Israel militants in Syria, shuns the "pro-Israel" militants and endures an awkward moment of silence with the Jews for Jesus Militants in the hallway waiting for the elevator
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Finally getting revenge, Lexington bank sues Christian Laettner for default on a loan. Duke sucks
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Creators of "Lost" discover that the internet can be used to promote television shows and further interact with fans. Ric Romero on the scene
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Dead man rides NYC subway for six hours before being discovered. Witnesses thought nothing of overly-friendly man on train
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Last week, failed pope assassin Mehmet Ali Agca got out of jail free. Guess who just rolled triple doubles?
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Despite what you might see in the movies or read on Fark, pound-me-in-the-ass prisons are not so PMITA, according to a new study
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Winchester Rifle company to close doors. Morticians relieved, tired of having to pry them out of cold, dead hands
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Jack Abramoff's father sends scathing letter to George Clooney in response to the actor's televised remarks about his son's name. The letter was also signed by his other son, Beat
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Media latches on to another mining accident. Sharks unimpressed, waiting for warmer weather
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NFL superstars caught in handicapped parking spaces
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Ohmigod, it's like, the stupid biatch already wore my dress to the awards, so like, I am going to so biatch slap her for sure
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Medicaid spending overtakes education. It'll be a great day when schools get all the money they need, and old people hold bake sales to buy walkers
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| (NBCSanDiego) |
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$2,700 toilet seat stolen. Police have nothing to go on
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Teen gets recipe off the Internet for hallucinogenic tea. What could possibly go wrong?
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Jessica Simpson's best friends? Why, her sweater puppies, of course
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Judges on "Dancing With the Stars" show bias and unfair judging practices. Oh my god, someone call the... oh, wait. It's a goddamn TV show
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| (Gainesville Sun) |
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The University of Florida requires that domestic partners swear that they are having sex before being granted benefits. In other news, some freshman girl claims the football team as her domestic partner
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Woman leaves $1.1 million estate to help pay off national debt
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Hip Brooklyn neighborhood freaks out with the rumored arrival of barbarians. Yep, McDonald's and Starbucks may be opening up
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Ford Motor Company to be saved by ugly-ass mini-van (with pic)
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Iran, continuing its blind march toward World War III, moves foreign assets to shield them from inevitable U.N. sanctions
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Whale spotted on the Thames in central London. No word if whale has spotted dick
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| (Columbia Tribune) |
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Subway's Jared blames his former weight gain on his Nintendo. His 300-pound chocolate Nintendo
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| (WCCO) |
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Minnesota town paralyzed by milk-truck crash because in Minnesota, milk is considered a "hazardous material"
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Happy birthday, Reaganomics: It's the 25th anniversary of the greatest economic miracle in American history
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Brazilian woman arrested for arranging hits on co-workers so she could get job next to man she loved
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Chinese company purchases Wham-O. Be on the look out for reissues of your favorites, hurra-hoop, sirry string and srip and sride
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Woman, blind for 25 years, recovers sight after having a heart attack
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Red Sox boy genius Theo Epstein ends 10-week vacation, returns to Boston. Heard mumbling something about morans letting Johnny Damon go to Evil Empire
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In a stunning turn of events, the fan Antonio Davis accosted on Wednesday is planning on suing
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CIA verifies Bin Laden's voice on tape, although Furby failed to recognize it
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Osama bin Laden's threats cause oil prices to rise. Oil companies apparently starting to build giant walls of $50s around their refineries for protection
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| (NY Daily News) |
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Google to Justice Department: Suck it
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AudioEdit the final showdown between the King of Rock and the King of Pop
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| (Some Guy) |
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Theme: A pineapple, a toilet and the color red
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| (lifehack.org) |
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The average desk harbors 400 times more bacteria than the average toilet seat
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Wine drinkers choose healthier foods, beer drinkers choose easier foods and hard-liquor drinkers just crawl in the bottle
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Japan announces plans to let women ascend to the throne, but they can't complain about the seat being left up when they get there
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Secret Service and DOJ raid home of boy who hacked his teacher's email account. The Smoking Gun is there
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Woman sues serial killer for gender bias
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Peaches Geldof complains about hellish life as celebrity daughter with ridiculous name. Breaks down while discussing 1996, when Presidents of the USA rode to top of charts
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| (Clarke County Democrat) |
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Minister arrested after ruckus at jail. Claims that he has a nationally known, but permanently dead, lawyer on the phone
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Fort Lauderdale okays 3,000 more units for downtown, 15 percent of which to be "affordable"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today's "newsroom going into lockdown because someone got mad at reporter for calling old man a Q-Tip" story brought to you by Knoxville, TN
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this silly walking guy
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Police put PETA pork protester with pasties in the pokey
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Strange Edgar Allan Poe birthday ritual disrupted by rubberneckers
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| (KCTV5) |
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Woman defends herself against two gun-toting robbers by hitting one in the face with her shoe and honking her car horn
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| Thu January 19, 2006 |
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Lawyer argues that burglary defendant has suffered enough after entire planet learns that gang of elderly people pretty much beat the snot out of him. Judge begs to differ
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Authorities apologize to farmer after speed camera clocks his tractor doing 85 mph. Farmer accepts, plows acre in six minutes, speeds up three miles per hour, winds up in Hill Valley
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Woman shocked after getting electrical bill for $250 million from power company. Chagrined company admits its error, but says it only needs one person to pay a bill like this for their elaborate scheme to work
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Sequel to children's classic book "Peter Pan" is completed in extreme secrecy. Publisher will only confirm the title and that the phrase, "Tinkerbell, you ignorant slut," appears nowhere in the story
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption this fast dog
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French winemakers pay $40,000 for 340-year-old oak tree to make barrels for their wine. The screw caps will be made from an ancient Citroen in Marseilles
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$150-million laser experiment will mimic massive nuclear explosion. What could possibly go wrong?
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My milkshake sends all the boys to the morgue
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Supreme Court upholds obscene yogurt ruling. If squirting nude models with yogurt is wrong, then I don't want to be right
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| (Times Herald) |
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High school art teacher suspended for suggesting students add nudes to their portfolio, offering private lessons
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Girl throws bottle with note into a British bay, gets reply from Australia
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| (Crime Scene KC) |
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Woman calls the cops on a leaf
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France threatens nuclear retaliation on terrorist sponsors
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| (Earth and Sky) |
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Being an astronaut is cooler than you thought: They get to see the auroras from a stunning vantage point (pic)
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| (Farm and Ranch) |
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"If properly bonded, most donkeys will think the sheep are theirs and will fight to the death over them"
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Study finds most college seniors aren't prepared for life in the real world. Suggestions to solve this include more real world training in college or creating more jobs that require quarter-bounce/beer-pong skills
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| (IDLYITW) |
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Britney switches from Kabbalah to Hinduism. Perhaps she should try Buddhism -- they actually worship the fat
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Ugly-ass baby monkey being raised by keeper at Taronga Zoo, has his own stuffed duck (with pic)
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Realizing it's responsible for the only good movies they've released in the last decade, Disney in talks to purchase Pixar
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| (Some Guy) |
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Russian zoo plans to combat freezing winter by getting their monkeys drunk
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| (Some Cylon) |
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New Starbuck tells old Starbuck to frack off: "I've now played this character longer... shut up"
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| (Marines) |
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U.S. forces kick butt in Operation Red Bull, to be followed up by Operation Frito Pie, Opeartion Taco Bell Value Menu and Operation 7-11 Cherry Slurpee Only 99¢
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Winn-Dixie asks bankruptcy judge if they can award CEO $2 million bonus for closing hundreds of stores. Thousands of ex-employees wonder if he takes paper or plastic
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| (Some Guy) |
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Nurse shortage means hard times ahead for hospitals, porn
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| (Some Hairdoo) |
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Photoshop these Jersey boys
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Man loses left arm in factory accident, 20 years after he lost the right one in an accident at the same factory. The Sun is there to ask, "Are our workers learning?"
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Lowest recorded temperatures since 1927 have killed over 20 people in Russia. Global warming, my ass
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Good news: The next five years will bring us the biggest financial boom in history. The bad news, worst economic decline since the Great Depression to follow
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| (The Herald) |
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There's another reason besides Fark that you only get 11 minutes of work done in a day
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| (WDSU.com) |
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Doctors worried that face transplant recipient may have rejection issues. Apparently, the donor face was a non-smoker
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Cleveland named most intelligent city for 2006. Suck it, Cambridge
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Michael Bolton hints at engagement to Nicollette Sheridan. However, she's unlikely to change her last name, because he's the one who sucks
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Iceland the first country that will try to abandon gasoline
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Australian upper-atmosphere experiment aims to solve biggest climate riddle: "Is America ready to stop destroying the environment yet?"
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Police dismayed to discover that their in-car modems cause interference with the computers at the local donut shop
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Radio station's "Freak my Ride" winner angry that auto shop pimped her '86 pickup beyond driveability
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Wilson Pickett dead at 64, now floating up to the "Land of the 1,000 Dances"
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| (Some Guy) |
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U.S. Army raises enlistment age to 40, plans on deploying older soldiers to lawn guarding duties
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| (katu.com) |
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Dumb: Getting a DUI. Really Dumb: Two DUI's in one night. Fark.com: The same cop catches you both times in one night
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Rachel Ray and Mario Batali take on Bobby Flay and Giada de Laurentiis in Iron Chef. Mario and Bobby agree on menu: Naked Female Chef Casserole
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| (Mirror.co.uk) |
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Woman takes out full page ad in newspaper seeking men to have sex with to cure her cancer. "The ideal candidate would need to have sex with me every two days for at least a year"
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| (Pioneer Press) |
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When your BMW's motor blows up you a.) Take it to a mechanic. b.) Junk it & buy a new one. c.) Bury it & collect the insurance money
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| (Edmunds.com) |
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Woman busted for posing nude on Dodge Challenger concept in Detroit. "We want people to love these cars, but not in that way"
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| (WSYR) |
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Thief breaks into same pub three times on Friday the 13th; steals $17, booze, burgers and a gallon of relish
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| (Some Guy) |
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Holly Hunter has twins at 47. Plans to name them both Nathan Jr.
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| (Some Guy) |
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Worship in the nude does more harm than good
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| (Some Guy) |
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Burglar escaping police jumps 20 feet from church bell tower to roof of nearby building, an escape made only slightly less impressive when firefighters had to bring in a bucket truck to rescue him from it
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Osama says U.S. attack plans already underway, but will be halted if truce is called with Muslim nations
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"I have thought about dropping a nuclear bomb on Sydney since Jelena lost in the first round this week, for which Australia is to blame"
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Doc offers to trade a vasectomy for Broncos tickets
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Did you catch those smooth-singing twins from Memphis on Tuesday's "American Idol"? Yeah, so did the cops
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Scientists open Stardust capsule. Wayne Newton reportedly nauseous, disoriented
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| (nbc4.com) |
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Man surprised to see laughing police officer sitting on hood of speeding patrol car (with photos)
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| (Katu Portland) |
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Dumb: After nearly being run over, man stands in front of city bus in protest, demanding apology. Dumber: Bus rider gets off bus to kick protestor's ass. Fark.com: Driver then lets man back on bus and drives away
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| (The Hindu) |
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Man puts arc-welder to giant rocket engine he found, with expected results
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e ≠ mc²
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Your kid's not a spoiled, self-centered brat -- he's an "Indigo child"
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The art of debate on contentious issues is not dead -- unlike the 20-ton dead whale that Greenpeace left on the steps of this Japanese embassy (with pic)
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| (samurai-sam.com) |
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Photoshop this farking farker inside a big farking tire
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| (11Alive) |
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Upscale boutique offers free beer while you shop for $150 jeans. A novel idea
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| (Forbes.com) |
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Swiss elevator company to cut 115 jobs, citing rising costs. Employees attempt to lift spirits, aware employment at company had some ups and downs
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British cartoon "Fireman Sam" meant to teach kids about fire safety, but gives another lesson entirely when an episode shows him tossing bucket of water on an electrical fire. Hilarity is ensuing
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| (Your Sewickley) |
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School to avoid fan brawling by playing basketball game in front of invited audience only. There, fixed that
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| (Some Guy) |
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Town baffled by thousand of dead mullet washing up on its shores, noting it may mean business at the front but there's certainly no party in the back
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Laurence Fishburne sued by ex-assistant because she was pregnant and single. Too bad she didn't take the blue pill
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| (Farktography) |
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 37: "Snow & Ice." Link goes to next week's contest. Please read first post
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| Wed January 18, 2006 |
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How two Santas, scheming in a bar over where their next pint of beer was coming from, turned into a national security alert in England
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NFL ref Pete Morelli has large rock thrown through living room window. Vandalizer sure to use challenge flag upon arrest
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Sixteen-year-old Illinois student expelled from high school for doodling gang sign "D.L.K." in his notebook. The student's name is Derek Leon Kelly
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| (Some Guy) |
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Flaming chainsaw recalled
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| (ABC7) |
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Ric Romero discovers mail-order movie-rental services
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"Arrested Development," "Malcolm In The Middle" and "That 70's Show" canceled
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School board to eliminate valedictorian honor because it's hard work
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| (Some Guy) |
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Researchers list France's stinkiest cheeses. Here comes the smelly science
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| (Amazing1) |
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For $11,000, you can own a 400 Joule 1.8 Gigawatt EMP shockwave generator
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| (Some Guy) |
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Ben Franklin understood the need for secrecy in matters of national security
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this cut-out guy
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A whole load of superheroes just found themselves out of a job
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Are you man enough for "Boyz Night" knitting group?
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A recipe for Guinness ice cream? Brilliant!
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Pope's first encyclical due this month. Pope regrets screwing around most of the semester
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New study from the University of the Obvious discovers that men find pleasure in seeing bad people suffer
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| (Some Guy) |
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Caption these amateur hunters
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It takes a special kind of incompetence to misplace a 38-ton steel sculpture. Meet the museum that was able to pull it off
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Straight out of a soap opera: Sole survivor of Sago mine collapse begins to awake from coma. Evil twin brother to debut during Sweeps Week
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| (Some Guy) |
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Aussies claim ion space engine breakthrough
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man doesn't know what's more upsetting: That police arrested him and took him to jail, or that they left his two-month-old baby behind in his car
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Former teen idol discovers that it's a good idea to spring for that subway ticket, especially when carrying crack
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Dutch TV cancels reality show based on life of a pornstar. Deze draad is waardeloos zonder beelden
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It may only be a matter of time before the IRS taxes the virtual gold and items you find in online games
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Thanks to a new resolution in Kanab, Utah, houses aren't considered "homes" unless you possess a "quiver of children"
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Investigating reports of a traffic jam in a sleepy Pennsylvania town, police were surprised to see that the culprit was a dead, four-foot-long iguana
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Pseudo-scorpion species found in California. There are unconfirmed reports that scientist have also discovered a quasi-Def Leppard in New Jersey
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In hindsight, taking a taxi from the bank after robbing it wasn't the brightest thing to do
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| (Business Week) |
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Old and busted: Offshoring call center jobs. New hotness: Homeshoring them. The next available soccer mom will be with you shortly
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| (Bloomberg) |
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NASA postpones Pluto mission for second day due to...*shakes Magic 8 Ball*..."power failures in Maryland"
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U.S. will release female detainees, per terrorist requests
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Goose poop bamboozles boom town. Sluice to loose the deuce?
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All right stop, collaborate and listen / Ice is back for a new intoxication / There's no problem you'll adore it / Check out the booze while the bartender pours it
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Near rioting occurs in Trinidad when some wireless provider offers "buy one, get one free" on cell phones. "The Network" commercials by Verizon suddenly seem almost scary
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Cat wakes owner, saves her and her granddaughter from flames that were about to engulf their mobile home
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Showing their education not wasted, pair of recent college grads each win $5,000 at beer-pong championship
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Hilary Swank hopes to save marriage; promises to thank husband at "one of these here award shows"
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Firefighter gives birth to baby girl, takes firefighter exam 12 hours later and passes
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There's not many things scarier than a crazed pregnant teenager armed with a chainsaw, axe and machete
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Increasing number of couples marrying at airport, plan to join mile-high club en route to honeymoon
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| (Syracuse.com) |
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Man charged with DUI after finding himself unable to explain to police how his SUV ended up balancing on four-foot-high brick wall
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Yo ho Oh no! Porn shot at pirate ship
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Photoshop the card sent by Brad Pitt to Jennifer Aniston, which was apparently lost in the mail, letting her know that he's impregnated Angelina Jolie. And for anything else he also forgot to tell her
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Catholic Church not entirely pleased that Jesus Christ wearing earphones is used to sell beer
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| (CBS4 Devner) |
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Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a... moose?
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| (Tonight.co.za) |
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Tracking down phony phallus for Golden Globe winner was hard, took long and nearly caused stroke
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| (donga.com) |
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"Hello, my name is Jae-hwan, and I'll be your oppressor today"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Alaskan volcano cam
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| (Mirror) |
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British court rules haircuts can be assault. It's nothing you didn't already suspect if you've ever been to Supercuts
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Malaria-detecting watch invented. So if you ask someone the time and they run screaming down the street after looking at their watch, you'll know why
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Man applies for and gets public legal aid despite winning £10 million in a 2002 lottery
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| (Some Guy) |
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Police respond to call of man asleep at wheel in Wendy's drive-thru. Man endears self to law enforcement by waking up and demanding "five double cheeseburgers and a frosty" from police
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| (WVGazette) |
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Investigators discover movie- and music-pirating operation in basement office in West Virginia state capitol
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| (Some Guy) |
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The pornification of public spaces
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Good Samaritan helps road accident victim; wakes up in hospital bed several hours later, next to man he'd helped
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Sexual orientation determines what people would they do if they unexpectedly received $100,000
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this delicate balancing act
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Mallcop forces disabled man to crawl to car rather than use a borrowed wheelchair
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Australia continues its proud tradition of creative prison escapes. If you can't talk the guard into letting you go, just diet your way out
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Sean Penn demands to know what asshole took SeanPenn@gmail.com
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| (Some Guy) |
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Bus driver fired for being Wiccan. Gubernatorial-candidate vampire husband to sue for religious discrimination
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| (opera.com) |
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Timing is everything: Explosion photo gallery
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Patriots name new defensive coordinator. Emergency urinals to be installed on sidelines
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Wot does tigers eat?"
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World's first "maglev" elevator should ready by 2008. Scientists pointed out the biggest problem in making such a device was how they got the doors to make that cool "shhh-ing" when opening and closing
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| (Some Guy) |
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Rumors swirl that tennis pros Andy Roddick and Maria Sharapova are a couple. No word if he's lobbing his drop shot into her backcourt
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| (Some Guy) |
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Laser-projected keyboard. Sharks not included
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UK refuses to show "South Park" episode featuring closeted Tom Cruise threatening to sue writers "in England." The Sun is there
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Stolen corvette recovered 37 years later. Dusty Springfield 8-track still in player
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| (McCall.com) |
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Restaurant patrons not amused when they glance outside to see teen displaying the vertical smile. What an ass
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| Tue January 17, 2006 |
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Cleveland Browns fan, who ran onto field during Steelers-Browns game, sentenced to spend Super Bowl weekend in jail
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How much to you hate parking inspectors? Enough to break into their offices and urinate into their helmets? These guys did
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U.S. says WMD terrorist attack threat "very high." Sets terror alert system to "Election Year"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Okay, I'm going to rob you for gas money. By the way, I'm staying in room 126 of the motel across the street
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UFO cult offers job to disgraced South Korean cloning scientist, because credibility is not an issue in certain fields
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Captain Kirk pilots kidney stone through Urethra system, boldly goes to GoldenPalace.com for $25,000
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Iraqi kidnappers set 72 hour deadline for their demands
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Canada Post refused to deliver Sex Party's political leaflets. In other news, Canada has a Sex Party
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Cheeky Aussie man is now the butt of jokes after being busted for trying to catch a cab wearing a suit coat and a purple g-string
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Kate Beckinsale thinks she has a fat ass (U.S. version). Kate Beckinsale thinks she has a fat arse (UK version). Kate Beckinsale fapfapfap (Fark version)
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After bashing Samuel Alito for belonging to a Princeton club that discriminates against women, Teddy Kennedy decides to end his own membership in Harvard club that discriminates against women
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| (Some Guy) |
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What is Drew Barrymore trying to tell Steven Spielberg at the Golden Globes?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Farmer's markets of the universe tremble with fear: Florida wants it's own private spaceport
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Five ways to tell if you're rich and retarded
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Canadians getting dangerously fatter. Most too high to care, others contemplating switch from bacon to seal
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"I was determined when the NASA proctologist looked up my ass, he would see pipes so dazzling he would ask the nurse to get his sunglasses"
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| (Statesman) |
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You don't need a million dollars to have a threesome in Britain
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this twig
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Researchers determine that meetings are bad for you
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| (Mirror.co.uk) |
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When the Royal Navy gives you a secret file that requires a security clearance to read, try not to leave it behind at the pub
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If you live near Augustine Volcano in Alaska, you might want to put on your ashhats
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Colombian drug lord's son was going back to Cali, to Cali, to Cali he was going back to Cali, DEA don't think so
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House Republicans unveil new ethics plan. Said to be modeled after the "throwing deck chairs off the Titanic to prevent it from sinking" plan
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NASA launch has been scrubbed due to -- *shakes magic 8-ball* -- "strong winds"
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Child actor from two "Beethoven" movies missing. Police think he may be de-composing, mother reponds "that's unheard of"
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Brittany Murphy gets engaged to Bruce Willis
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Seattle pastor calls for Microsoft boycott due to gay civil rights support. I see you're pushing a personal agenda -- would you like help with this agenda?
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Dumb: Man smokes crack while driving on the freeway and falls asleep. Dumber: He doesn't wake up when the police ram his car to get it to stop. Fark: This isn't the first time that he did it
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| (Some Guy) |
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Newt Gingrich also compared the House to a plantation and said that he was leading the "slave rebellion"
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| (TaxProf) |
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Would you hire this guy? President Clinton's suspension as a lawyer ends on Thursday
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| (WCCO) |
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In Taiwan, owners take their pets to fortune tellers to find out what life has in store for them. Your dog foresees steak
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Pittsburgh Steeler fan has heart attack after Bettis fumble (and probably 14 bratwursts)
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Put your own pets to good use by having them re-enact famous movie scenes or significant moments in history, but please don't harm them during the making of your film. Due Jan. 17th
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Three million men related to a single Irish king named Fb-
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Dentist allows her unqualified boyfriend perform dental operations. What could possibly go wrong?
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| (History Channel) |
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Forty years ago today, the U.S. lost an H-bomb in Spain, namely from a plane
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| (Newsnet5) |
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If you own a cell phone, you're paying a three percent tax to help fund the 1898 Spanish-American War
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| (NY Daily News) |
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Hillary compares the House of Representatives to a plantation on MLK Day. Republican leaders waste little time showing what could possibly go wrong
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| (Humor Feed) |
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2005 Satire Awards announced
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City officials become suspicious of seedy bar in high-rent neighborhood which opens at random hours to sell warm beer in cans after noticing that the owners have been dead for several years
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German police follow thief's trail of feathers from ripped jacket; plucked from home, man's goose is cooked and he's going down
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Man spots his own skis on eBay; thief nabbed. Feedback bound to be negative
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Maine woman has world's largest collection of owl memorabilia. YA RLY
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A curious religious debate raging in Egypt: Should you keep your clothes on when having sex?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Theme: Take a modern movie or TV show and promote it using 70s-style design sensibilities
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| (Clinton Portis) |
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Clinton Portis details the lives of his characters, says any typos are the fault of the magical copy-editing pixie who lives under his bed
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Supreme court rules in favor of Oregon's assisted-suicide law
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| (Daily Tar Heel) |
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Duke ekes out 3,688-3,444 victory over rival North Carolina in longest basketball game of all time. Duke sucks
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| (KCBS) |
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Today's "idiot mysteriously stuck in a chimney" story brought to you by Van Nuys, California (with video)
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Today's "NFL playoff-bound team member jailed on domestic violence charges" is brought to you by the Seattle Seahawks
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Having TV in bedroom halves your sex life. Having "Star Trek: Enterprise" box-set takes care of the other half
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NY Jets plan to save on shaving-cream costs next season by hiring a head coach barely old enough to shave
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| (IrieRadio.com) |
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Drew will talk Fark on the Rude Awakening Show at 9:45 EST. Call in at 1-877-723-9626 to discuss important topics, like the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Ric Romero or intoxication
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Woman takes out murder contract on herself. Killer fails. She sues, would-be killer pays her $3500, as he failed to keep up his end of the contract
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| (Some Guy) |
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Army warns soldiers going to Iraq that if they're killed wearing body armor they bought themselves, their next of kin won't be eligible for death benefits
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Forbes releases the top 100 most loved spokes-creatures. Talking M&Ms topped the list. Photoshop what the bottom of the list looks like
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Regular jail break: Hiding in the laundry van. Expert jail break: Tunneling under the wall. Fark.com jail break: Walk up to the guard, convince him you've got a work permit, then walk out the gate
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Cop who had sex with his girfriend in back seat of cruiser fired after handcuffed suspects complained they always had to sit on the wet spot
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| (Some Hungry Guy) |
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Creative artwork made from stacked food cans. Homeless shelter field trip to exhibit planned for next Tuesday
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| (Buffalo News) |
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Man's class ring recovered after being at the bottom of Lake Erie for 47 years. Will end up lost in the bottom of a drawer by next week
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Man -- who set out to show the world you can eat unhealthy food for every meal and get away with it -- dies at age 20
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Idiot decides to remove bullet in his chest with the pointy end of a meat thermometer
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| (China Broadcast) |
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Chinese 1418 map of America way cooler than expected, offers two free appetizers with orders over $20
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| (Edmonton Sun) |
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Toy plane crashes, sparking massive reponse by police and paramedics
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Good news: Doctors have finally discovered a function for the appendix. Bad news: It involves the storage of consumed bird shot
|
| (TimesOnline.com) |
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Japanese scientists plan to drill three times further down than has ever been done before, ignoring the lessons of "Godzilla" and "The X-Files"
|
| (Some Guy) |
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See what the most popular radio stations in your area are
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Doctors say the tumor they removed from man's back was actually the 35-year-old embryo of his unborn brother
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| (IC Wales) |
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Drinkers forgiven for spilling their pints when they saw a troop of Cybermen marching outside a pub (with pics of the new Cybermen)
|
| (wkyt.com) |
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Police find intoxicated woman in car; was reported driving erratically, but don't worry: Her 11-year-old niece was sitting on pillows and driving at the time
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| (WTHR) |
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Operating a meth lab in your home, getting drunk and exposing yourself in public are perfectly acceptable if you're friends with the police commissioner
|
| (Asia1.com) |
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New craze in Russia is to spend tons of cash on practical jokes that, for all intents and purposes, should earn the pranker a major-league ass whooping
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