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| Sun December 18, 2005 |
| (Some Guy) |
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Trailer full of sheep goes flying into van full of eggs. Sheep explode. Eggs eggsplode
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Which ESPN personality would you like to set on fire? Voting enabled
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| (flickr) |
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Caption this leg-climber (voting enabled)
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Japanese "General Lee" for sale on eBay. Bo and "Ruke" Duke not available for comment
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| (Some Guy) |
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Theater owners want FCC to allow cell phone blocking
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Congress votes to build wall accross the US-mexican border. Pink Floyd fans unimpressed
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| (sandsational.com) |
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The coolest pictures of sand sculptures you'll see...well, pretty much ever
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| (Some Cop) |
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Photoshop theme: A day in the life of Officer Shaq
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| (WebIndia) |
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Idiot's attempt to rob restaurant with water pistol dribbles out
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Baseball caps are being banned in British Internet cafes due to their association with "deviant behavior"
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Rival college football fans try and "out donate" each to save 12 year old girl with Leukemia
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| (PM Brewing) |
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Beer company to start selling organic water
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Bush speech discussion thread. Please keep hands and feet inside ride at all times. LGT a very important piece of paper
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| (SpaceX) |
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Depending on your point of view, Monday will herald the launch of the world's lowest-cost orbital rocket, or most expensive sex toy
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| (American Scientist) |
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History and analysis of Sudoku number puzzle. Meet self-proclaimed experts in thread
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| (MSN Money) |
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New bankruptcy law backfires on credit card issuers who lobbied to get it passed
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| (Some Guy) |
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Top 10 reasons why sex at the speed of light is not an advisable form of procreation
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Little-known Australian holiday tradition involves finding Santas in Melbourne and kicking the living crap out of them
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| (Wikipedia) |
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Human complexity - information to fully describe one human might require 600,000 yottabytes of storage. That's a lotta yottabytes
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| (NZ Herald) |
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First they came for the fur coats...and you said nothing. Then they came for the fois gras...and you said nothing. Now they are coming for the bacon...satisfied?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Lawyer puts video camera in office bathroom to catch pot smokers. "There was a chance someone would go to the bathroom and I would see their rear end or genitals"
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Hospital bans Christmas ham, converts entire menu to halal because Muslim patients "might be offended"
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San Diego Chargers end Indianapolis Colts' run for a perfect season. Duke sucks
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| (Times) |
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Direct from the "Scratch your head" Department. Bill Gates named Man of the Year
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Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has been taken to a hospital, Israeli television reports. Appears to be a stroke
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| (Toronto Sun) |
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A guide to office Christmas party types. Hope you have a few vamps, with "lowest necklines this side of the Grand Canyon"
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| (Some Guy) |
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High-tech vehicle anti-theft systems forcing car thieves to become home invaders to get the keys
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| (KOMO News Seattle) |
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How do you socially engineer the problem of public drunks in progressive Seattle? Give them great apartments and tell them to keep drinking. Hilarity ensues
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this pool leaper
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Ukrainian couple has 17th child, lays claim to record of world's largest family (with rare pic of husband with his pants on)
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| (Some stargazer) |
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Waste a little time with this nifty virtual planetarium
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| (South Bend Tribune) |
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Man spends ten years annotating Grateful Dead lyrics
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| (Impact Lab) |
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Tiny dust--sized self-assembling cubes developed at Johns Hopkins to deliver medicine, cell therapy, and ultra tiny little pizzas
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Spanish Lottery "El Gordo" jackpot up to $2.4 billion
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| (Portsmouth Today) |
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Man who hates whistling forced to close his business as locals make it a point to stand in front of his business and whistle
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| (KLASTV) |
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Ahh, the holiday season: Peace, goodwill, cheer, and assault with a tape dispenser in the check-out line
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Seven-foot, 323-pound Russian called the "Beast of the East" takes WBA heavyweight title after killing Apollo Creed in the ring in the second round
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Rarely is the question asked: Is our college students learning?
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Following the tremendous success of the Segway, Dean Kamen comes up with an even worse product: a portable filter that lets you drink your own urine
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Ancient civilization unearthed in Syria
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| (The Australian) |
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Man finds 17th century sketch lying in a wheelbarrow at a flea market, buys it, and re-sells it to a museum for $185,000
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Tom Cruise spent much of 1980s and 1990s having every whim catered to in secret compound surrounded with barbed wire. Locally known as "Number Six"
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| (Sciencedaily) |
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Scientists rebuild part of woolly mammoth's genome. One can only hope that Jeff Goldblum gets his butt chewed off by sabre-tooths in the ensuing Pleistocene Park
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this breakdancer
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When selling your unofficial Ron Mexico shirt, it helps to have a pic of a girl with football size breasts
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| (Times-Gazette) |
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Donkey arrested for making an ass out of itself. If convicted, will be shipped to Wyoming and sold into prostitution
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| (Metro West) |
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Exploding manholes soon to be a thing of the past, experts say. With pic of manhole experts
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Mob of drunken Santas tears through New Zealand city, throwing bottles, spraying graffiti, urinating on cars. Billy Bob Thornton unavailable for comment
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Giant 4,000 pound bronze scupture of some kind of crushed spider stolen. Authorities fear that criminals will melt it down into some sort of random shape, decreasing it's value
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| Sat December 17, 2005 |
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Taking speed bumps to the extreme
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Behold the crappiest cars of 2005
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| (Velonews) |
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Lance Armstrong says he is the victim of a French witch-hunt. French claiming that Armstrong is made of wood and weighs the same as a duck
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this crypt
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Mini Cooper develops from most affordable car to a toy for the rich
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Straight Dope Classic: Schroedinger's Cat explained, Dr. Seuss style
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Find out your alcohol calorie intake with The Sun's handy Booze-O-Meter
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Spaceflight from Moscow to New York to take less than an hour
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| (East Valley Tribune) |
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Feds give Arizona ultimatum - teach English to illegal aliens, or be fined $500K daily
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Importer pleads guilty to smuggling chicken feet
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| (Digital Spy) |
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Mariah Carey to restaurant waiter: "That meal was so thrilling, I've just wet myself"
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String theory beginning to fray as Nobel Laureate admits "We don't know what we're talking about"
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| (WNBC) |
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Ithaca College holds nationwide contest for 30-second mobile phone movies
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| (Pantagraph) |
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Police discover fleeing DUI suspect found hiding inside large barbecue grill. Hamburglar still at large
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| (APP.com) |
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Bad: Getting into a flaming car wreck. Good: Being rescued by a stripper
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| (Steves Digicams) |
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Photoshop this ugly-ass frog
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Artist decides to throw away her brushes and start painting with her breasts (with pic which is borderline Not Safe For Work)
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| (Some geek) |
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Klingon is old and busted. Impress all the ladies at your next Con by filling out your nametag in Elvish
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| (video & transcript) |
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President Bush admits to personally authorizing domestic spying AND lashes out at those who oppose it
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Reality show contestants upset after producers faked sending them into space. NASA asking for royalties
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Caption this happy celebrity couple
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| (Some Guy) |
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Texas woman indicted on $5 million cattle scam as 160 investors left asking "Where's the beef?"
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Wisconsin fraternity faces $94,000 in fines, double secret probation
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Top science stories of 2005
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| (Sky.com) |
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Teachers looking forward to presents from students this Christmas, but those gifts now include condoms and panties
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NASA's Pluto probe heads for launch pad. Agency hoping this won't be another Mickey Mouse operation that goes Bambi, leaving them looking Goofy
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| (Impact Lab) |
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Top 10 most-prolific inventors. Apparently the greatest US inventor lives in Tokyo
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| (Some Guy) |
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Brits being terrorized by thugs shoving live sturgeon through their mail slots in the middle of the night (with pics)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Cats Tigger, Thomas and Max help catch British burglar. Well, actually, they just sat on their fat little asses while police did DNA comparisons with hair found on man's clothes, but cat people say they're heroes, or something
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| (News10.net) |
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Man pulls knife on convenience store manager, is dismayed to discover that store manager is a martial arts expert. "Do you want karate?" ensues
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this hillbilly holding his Great Dane
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| (TMC) |
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Clerk softens robber up with a bit of pepper spray, and then goes for the win with a baseball bat
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| (The Courier-Mail) |
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Bouncer kills drunk patron with a roundhouse kick for insulting his mother
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| (courant.com) |
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Scientists discover white skin is a result of a genetic defect, lack of rhythm still blamed on nurture
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| (Daily Times) |
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Just a typical date; shopping, dinner and mutual stabbing followed by a 2-for-1 special at the Emergency Room
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Police find 60-pounds of marijuana inside the world's largest portable water bong
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Australian chicken lays 135-gram egg. Farmer suspects the one looking drafty is to blame
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Its actually pretty hard to convince the army that the $100,000 you stole from them to get a deck and hot tub at your home really helps rebuild Iraq
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Man's response to new protest laws is to walk backwards in front of parliament whispering "This is not a protest" while wearing a shirt with those words
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| (http://www.sgtgrit.com) |
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Six year old boy with cystic fybrosis made honorary Marine sergeant. Last seen yelling something about, "This is my rifle. This is my gun."
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this tube
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Australian zoo finds that one of the unexpected effects of putting 1800 animals in the same cage is that they tend to eat each other
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| Fri December 16, 2005 |
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Woman being booked for stealing Christmas presents steals mug-shot camera from police station
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| (Some Dead Guy) |
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If you were murdered in NYC, which Law & Order detective do you want on your case?
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| (Regret The Error) |
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Philadelphia Weekly apologizes for suggesting that anyone could get laid at science fiction convention
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Idiot tries to alter a $100 ticket for parking in handicapped spot into regular $20 parking ticket, now faces felony charges and seven years in prison
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Thousands of Nova Scotians being asked by NS Power to turn off hazardous Christmas lights. Specifically, the ones that NS Power gave them
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Ashlee Simpson collapses and is rushed to Tokyo hospital. Concert goers stay and listen to the rest of the tape
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With all other national issues solved, Mexico orders protection detail to butterflies
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| (Egotastic) |
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Janet Jackson internalizes her pain, Cheetos
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| (Channel3000.com) |
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Man sues co-workers who won lottery because he failed to show up for work to buy tickets on the day they won
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| (News10 Sacramento) |
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Auto thieves stage zany car heist involving 50 Cent's Mustang, a Lincoln Navigator battering ram and a crowbar. Sadly, brilliant plan didn't include lessons on driving a vehicle with 550 horsepower
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| (Metro) |
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Steve Guttenberg: "Everyone keeps asking me a stupid question: 'What are you doing?' I'm rich. Do you want me to be poor? Or would you like me to be rich and be rewarded for all the entertainment I gave you?"
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| (Washington Examiner) |
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Court refuses to release names of drivers ticketed by faulty red light camera because refunding their money would violate their privacy
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Paperboy, 82, retires. Still wants his $2.00
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Man with first hand transplant to meet woman with first face transplant. Filming to begin when John Wayne Bobbit shows up
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| (entertainmentwise) |
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Jennifer Aniston: "Well, I might as well pull my pants down at this point, since they've seen everything else"
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Please think twice before wearing your crotchless khakis to work
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| (Dale Jr.) |
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Having solved all other problems facing our nation, the U.S. House of Representatives takes the time to approve a resolution recognizing Tony Stewart for winning the 2005 NASCAR Nextel Cup Championship
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| (timesonline.co.uk) |
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Is America ready to elect a Mormon as president? It's more likely than you think
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| (CCN) |
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Nativity scene dedicated on Capitol Hill despite dearth of wise men or virgins. Asses for the stable said to be in abundance
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Stoned screech owl returned to wild after coming home in family's Christmas tree. "Curiously enough, the owl's feathers smelled very, very potently like marijuana," says bird sanctuary worker
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Christmas television ad intended to boost demand for high-speed internet instead boosts demand for hippos
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"West Wing" star John Spencer passes away after heart attack
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Bush authorized NSA to spy on Americans and the White House suppressed a NY Times report on the subject for a whole year
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Elephant cleared on DUI charges
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Japan hit by 6.2 earthquake. Mothra stirring
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New study says Wikipedia is as accurate as Encyclopedia Brittanica. Study also finds that Weekly World News is more reliable than Washington Post
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High-end shops wooing male customers with free pizza, beer
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| (Google is a good resource) |
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What if Ric Romero made a newspaper?
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| (The Missoulian) |
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"The Auditor," an ugly-ass old dog who lived at a toxic waste site, now has statue in his honor
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DefJam rapper Foxy Brown to undergo surgery after sudden hearing loss; urges Russell Simmons to consider "HearingimparedJam Records" name change
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| (Buffalo News) |
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Dispute over bag of Doritos leads man to pull an assault rifle on store clerk, who wasn't even supposed to be here today
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Virginia officials acknowledge that honor system at tollbooths not such a hot idea after all
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Police respond to Jacksonville-area high school after students were observed having sex. Again
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| (Bob and Tom) |
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Fark media friends Bob and Tom are having a drive to help the USO send care packages to soldiers. Contribute if you can
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Britney to reinvent herself. As Madonna
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| (sanluisobispo.com) |
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Today's "83 dogs, 26 birds, seven cats, four goats and a lone duck in a house" story brought to you by Edna Valley, California. Police surprised by lack of calling birds, French hens
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University of Illinois launches farming blog. If successful, could pave way for "paint drying", "water boiling" blogs
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If you send a letter to England addressed only to "Dan the mushroom man, in his van," there are intrepid postmen who will successfully deliver that mail
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| (Newsday) |
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Man fined $100 for having fake fight with another man dressed as giant banana
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| (Some Ape) |
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Skunk Ape to be renamed to the more politically correct "Swamp Ape," because stinky simians have feelings too
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Having solved all other problems, Senate blocks renewal of U.S. Patriot Act
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Un en 20 adultos en los Estados Unidos no son alfabetizados en inglés
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Space.com's best space images of 2005
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New anaesthetic spray numbs the wing-dang-dilly and can improve premature ejaculators' staminas to a breathtaking four minutes and 48 seconds
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1965 film footage up for auction shows Keith Richards being electrocuted on stage, getting up, searching for Sarah Connor
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God gives woman a vision. That vision: Get a stretch Ford Excursion limo, round up the homeless and show them a hotel, take them back, give them underwear and cologne
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Old and busted: Wal-Mart calling police when a black man attempts to cash a check. New hotness: Wal-Mart calling police when a group of choir students show up to sing holiday songs
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| (WZZM) |
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Detroit Lions fans so disgusted by their team they are talking openly about running naked onto the field this weekend, stopped only by a vision of being booked into Detroit jails totally naked
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China's toxic slick hits Russian river's anus
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| (WFRV) |
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Christmas comes early to Green Bay as several hundred dollars in coins falls from an armored truck, which continued down the road oblivious to the fact they were leaking money
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Teri Hatcher maybe didn't have sex with streams of men in a trailer outside her home. Maybe
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The longer women take to get pregnant, the more likely to have a boy, babydaddy
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Gaylord Focker was right after all: You can milk a cat's nipples
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| (Mr.Wong) |
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The world's tallest virtual building
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This just in: There is a "drinking culture" in rugby
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Torn from the front page of the Bangor Daily News: Christmas decoration on Steven King's porch (with photo goodness)
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Oregon volcanic bulge shows no sign of bursting, in what scientist would deem the deadly "Oregonasm"
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Good news: U.S. deficit narrows. Bad news: U.S. deficit narrows because Katrina gave U.S. insurance companies huge claims against foreign re-insurers
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| (RTE.ie) |
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Irish bank to politely ask ATM users to voluntarily return extra cash issued in error
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Norwegian police admit defeat by drunken, naked Finn
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| (TriCityHerald.com) |
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Woman thought she had problem with water pipes. Turns out it was just some naked guy who broke into her home
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| (Link goes nowhere) |
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Today's Iron AudioEdit ingredient: Office noises
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Dumb: Lone female catching cab late at night. Dumber: Bashing and robbing driver. Fark.com: Knocking yourself out as you exit the cab
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| (Some Claw) |
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Photoshop this huge industrial claw
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Howard Stern poses for photo op pretending to bid farewell to his fans that no longer exist
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| (Cornell Daily Sun) |
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Naked football player stops burglary
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Season ticketholders sue to stop all the continual pat-downs at the stadium
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| (Aljazeera.net) |
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New STD eCards: "It's not what you brought to the party, it's what you left with. I left with an STD. You might have too. Get checked soon"
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Latest trend in Japan -- a vibrator in every handbag
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Hermie the Turtle gets braces. Not much for dentists to do this time of year in Watertown, NY (pic) Update: Hermie has died
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£55,000 armored robots will patrol German stadiums to find English soccer yobs, Godwin Sarah Connor
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Bad: You get arrested. Worse: Arresting officer steals your credit cards and goes on Christmas shopping spree
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A bunch of guys who used to fold notebook paper into airplanes unveil new space ship design. With origami-pic goodness
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| (Tooele Transcript Bulletin) |
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Teen survives bizarre knife-in-head accident. Cranium-impaling sharp-object trifecta in effect
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| (MacLeans) |
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Explosion in Russian nuclear plant. Zero dead, three injured, four genetically enhanced with superpowers, corny dialog
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| (Some Guy) |
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Don't like your eye color? Just change it
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Twenty gang members busted preparing to rumble with "horror film"-like weapons (with weapon pics)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Guide to castles of the United States
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| (Some Guy) |
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The dos and don'ts of picking up a girl in a computer lab
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| (some poet) |
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Haven't had a Haiku thread in a while...#
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these snow builders
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Cool: Catching a giant tiger shark. More cooler: Catching a giant tiger shark with another shark in its mouth (pic)
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| (WSLS 10) |
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FTC to levy the largest civil fine yet against DirecTV for Do-Not-Call List violations
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| Thu December 15, 2005 |
| (Some Guy) |
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For those who want to go out singing Cthulhu Carols this weekend
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| (The Moscow Times) |
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Two drunken hockey fans attempt to commandeer Moscow subway train. Jailerity naturally ensues
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Sixty-thousand California college students file a class action lawsuit because illegal aliens can get cheaper tuition than out-of-state citizens
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| (NBC) |
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Discussion about "The Apprentice" finale (spoilers and bad combovers in thread)
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| (TCC) |
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Vermont bar loses liquor license because of organized Yahtzee
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University students from USC and Harvard hit by new round of RIAA lawsuits, now looking for new illegal sources of John Mayer tunes
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| (Warwick Beacon) |
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Law requiring cats to be spayed/neutered gets first passage. Your dog is thinking, "First they came for the cat's testicles... and I said nothing"
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| (Think Progress) |
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Today's "I coulda had a V8" moment: Bush says WMD were "irrelevant" to the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Hilarity would ensue if it weren't so mindboggingly stupid
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| (NBC5i) |
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When all you have is an axe, every ATM looks like a tree
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Coming to a supermarket near you: Vegas strippers and casinos
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Former Manchester United captain Roy Keane signed by Celtic, already given a red card at his first press conference wearing green and white
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| (The London Free Press) |
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If you have to pick someone to talk to the press about the on-campus stripping video that's sweeping the internets, choose someone who's not named "grind rod"
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| (NewsWatch50.com) |
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Chanel drops Kate Moss for Lindsay Lohan, apparently not realizing they're just trading one coked-out whore for another
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Tim Horton's files for a $600-million IPO. That's almost $100 U.S., eh?
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| (Lockheed Martin) |
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The F-22A Raptor is now operational. Be afraid, enemies of freedom, because we now have a dozen high-tech jet fighters to unleash upon you
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| (Billings Gazette) |
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If you find a disposable camera in the car you're stealing, don't take pictures of yourself and leave the camera in the car when you ditch it (with self-portrait of dumbass)
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| (Some T-Rex) |
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Theme: Jurassic Fark
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AFA considers reinstituting Ford boycott. Ford to pitch "make some babies in the back seat" campaign to appease hetero community
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This just in: Pollution-producing industries tend not to place their factories in upper-class suburbs. Author fails to consider that perhaps it is the other way around
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"Four Vikings charged in boat party scandal": Sports headline or Scandinavian history lesson?
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U.S. forces captured Abu Musab al-Zarqawi... then released him
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Bush Administration no longer opposes torture ban, which is nice, because the U.S. does not torture
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| (nbc5) |
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Maine woman loses 300 pounds with the "get off your ass and move around" diet
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Japanese zookeepers are trying to get fat penguins to lose weight with exercise, preventing them from drinking Coca-Cola with the polar bears
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Man hired by Kevin Kostner and found in possession of Kevin Costern's stolden laptop says he did not steal Keven Costner's laptop. (Editor loves this headline)
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| (Air Force Print News) |
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Air Force releases new mission statement: "... to fly and fight in Air, Space and Cyberspace"
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| (WPVI) |
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Congressman calls for hypnotist regulation, then proceeds to scamper around podium acting like a monkey
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Your tax dollars at work: Terrorist babies banned from flights (but not for the right reason)
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Pitcher Ugueth Urbina denied bail after being arrested for joining a gang that attacked people with gasoline and machetes. Could spend 10 years in Venezuelan golpéeme en el asno prison
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If you're looking for a last-minute gift guaranteed to arrive on time for Christmas, one option would be to purchase a TotalFark subscription for someone. It sure beats a kick in the jimmy
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Girlfriend of "Dr. Phil Bigamist" to forgive, forgive and forget, forget
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Britney ranks as Yahoo's "most searched for celebrity" this year. Other terms high in search rankings: Skank, Cletus, trailer, double-wide and Cheetos
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Youth ministries make Jesus "more edgy" to attract teens. Jesus v2.0 smokes herb, has an iPod, hates his dad and answers to "J-Loc"
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| (Gamespot) |
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Have a spare Xbox 360 Premium system lying arround? These girls would like to have sex with you
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Iggy Pop fined for excessive Blue Balls performance
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| (WSET) |
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Mother deals with her son, the cow shooter and his crime of the century
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Better baseball hitters see ball as bigger, have smaller balls
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Indy Racing League continues downward death spiral as Toyota pulls out, leaving Honda as only remaining engine manufacturer
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| (Penny Arcade) |
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Penny Arcade's Child's Play Charity closing in on the $250,000 mark this year
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| (Hampton Roads Daily Press) |
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Having ended the War on Terror, solved poverty and fixed our schools, the House will be voting on a resolution expressing support for "the symbols and traditions of Christmas" today
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| (NST) |
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China and Japan, like, crashed a Southeast Asia party, and are, like, totally not even talking right now. Omigod, and Russia also showed up, piss drunk
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Ford relents, decides to run ads in gay publications after all. Usually an insertion means you're pitching, but not in this case
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Census of marine life shows diversity, many declines. Republicans fear increase in single-cell organisms could mean defeat at the polls in '08
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You knew it was coming. Is "King Kong" racist? The real question is: Do journalists make up controversy rather than covering real news? Signs point to yes
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| (TMC) |
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Wisconsin man faces 10 years in prison for assault with a deadly cactus
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Norwegian politicians decide to raise budget funds by betting on Lotto
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| (NY Daily News) |
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Oliver the Cat, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth regarding your adoption or cat-napping? Meow meow meow meow
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Photoshop theme: Santa's dirty little secret
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Wal-Mart buys 140 Brazilian stores. Total cost expected to be Brazilians of Dollars
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NBC cuts Pamela Anderson pole dance during Elton John song, not because it was sexually suggestive, but because no one would have understood what was going on
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California man busted at border for smuggling squirrels of undetermined sack size
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| (NY Daily News) |
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Chemist trying to arrange the world's largest snowball fight in Brooklyn. Buffalo unimpressed
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Pilot whose 737 skidded out of Chicago's Midway Airport apparently used the wrong brakes. Voice recorder picked up comment about "them flying right by" and some mumbling about a goose
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| (online.ie) |
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Today's "overturned truck leaves 5000 egg-laying hens on the loose" brought to you by County Cavan, Ireland
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Today's woman with 500 cats brought to you by the state of Virginia. "493 cats were found in the two homes: 272 alive"
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Man catches baby tossed from a burning apartment "like a football," but was subsequently penalized five yards for excessive celebration
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| (News 14 Carolina) |
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While hiding under your sheets may work against the Boogieman, it's not quite as effective against the police
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| (TBC) |
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Man finds $15,000 ring wrapped in a note in his car, which read, "Hopefully this ring will land in the hands of someone you love, because my love is gone now. Merry Christmas." In other news, we suspect this article is bogus
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Man found with pitchfork stuck in head. No doubt this involved alcohol somehow
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Next time a woman flashes her boobies at you, be sure that her friend isn't getting ready to pull a gun and carjack you
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| (NBC10.com) |
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Mysterious pink spots showing up on lawns and cars
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Hero kid saves bank untold thousands of bucks from ATM thieves. His reward is a plastic calculator
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| (oregonlive.com) |
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Bad: You're 82 with dementia. Worse: You mistakenly drive your car in to a used car lot. Worst: Salesperson talks you into trading your $31,000 SUV for $15,000 economy car
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| (WTVM) |
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When school switches to same-sex classrooms, test scores are the only things that rise
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| (Reuters AlertNet) |
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Fish with chips reveal ocean migration routes, entirely constitute British cuisine
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| (cbc.ca) |
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Hot Olympian loses sponsor sticker on luge, gains consolation prize of "I'd hit it" thread on Fark
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| (Mass Live) |
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Massachusetts state rep proposes bill requiring mandatory helmets for soccer
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Having just been found guilty, you might not think you had many options. But apparently bolting out the door is still one of them
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| (Some Guy) |
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Navy seaman MIA from World War II is found on remote Alaskan island -- going home tomorrow
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop theme: Danger, falling rocks
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| (The Star Ledger) |
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It's tough to pay the gas bill when you're lying face down in the dining room without a pulse
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U.S. government vetoes Cuban team playing in the first annual World Baseball Classic. Apparently, the war against Communism isn't over and Cuba is scarier than China
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♫ Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand ♫ But when she takes a leak, there's penis in her hand ♫ Can't use the restroom of a woman or a man ♫ So Rio's gonna build her own transvestite can ♫
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Marvel finally decides that it won't hurt their business to let fat, balding 30-year-olds living in their parents' basement dress like Captain America or Wolverine
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| (Kerrville Daily Times) |
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Top priority for justice of the peace whose budget is paid for by speeding tickets is blocking any increase in the speed limit
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| (Fosters) |
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Just in time for the peak of holiday season: Shopping cart rage
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The next best thing to a flying car...
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| (Some Guy) |
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Amish man taken for $67,000 by prostitute who said his church would see photos of their barn-raising, butter-churning episodes
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| Wed December 14, 2005 |
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Police dog named in lawsuit. Seeks the best lawyer that buried bones can buy
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Indonesian troops invade remote island, liberate it from tyrannical despot -- an Aussie surfer
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Ten-year-old, sick of having lunch money stolen, begins printing counterfeit $20s
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| (Galway (Limerick) Independent) |
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There once was a bishop named Casey / who forgot his employer was JC / the girl that he touched / later screamed rape and such / "I didn't kill her, I'm not John Wayne Gacy"
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| (Farktography) |
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 32: "Claim to fame." Link goes to next week's contest. Please read first post
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Lance Armstrong going to court for calling Italian counterpart a balled-faced liar
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If you buy your exorcism out of the back of a van, results may not be guaranteed
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Case worker who had sex with inmate faces three years of having sex with many inmates
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| (Evening Times) |
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Woman parks her delicious charred-beef-odor-producing burger van next to a Hindu temple. Locals have a cow about it
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| (Some Guy) |
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Theme: Rejected X-Men characters
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| (Gizmag) |
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The Jetpod gives vision to the future of flight
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Fourteen-year old girl to have 16-pound tumor removed from face. Plans to have it drilled and go bowl a few games (possibly disturbing pic)
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Scientist creates a computer that can predict box office bombs and hits. It's already approved 1000 scripts, 800 of them starring Adam Sandler
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Who would have thought Denis Leary would upset Catholic groups with his latest show, "Merry F#%$in' Christmas"
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Facial recognition software declares Mona Lisa "happy, but a little disgusted"
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Design a shirt for the FarkStore finalists. Voting enabled, please don't submit any other items for voting
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| (Myrtle Beach Online) |
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Jimmy Page knighted by Queen of England. After the ceremony, she squeezed his lemon until the juice ran down his leg
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| (WKRN Nashville) |
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Evidently, our zombie-elected overlords had a higher turnout than was initially reported
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In case you haven't received viral email with pics of a drunk Matt Leinart (and questionable back story), here ya go
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Reporter figures out the mystery of why Hooters is so popular. Shockingly, he discovers it's not because of the food
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Nothing like holding a few fake executions to motivate 16-year-old athletes at swim camp
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India to begin H1-B visa program to fill IT worker shortage
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| (WAVY) |
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Chinese government hires men to beat up penguins
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| (The State) |
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South Carolina lawmakers doubt evolution; cite themselves as evidence
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If you want to countefeit $5.00 bills, destroy the computer evidence Lincoln you to the crime
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Just another day in Puerto Rico: Man claiming to be Pope John Paul II and woman claiming to be Virgin Mary excommunicated. Meanwhile, appearances of red-suited men imitating St. Nicholas spread unchecked
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| (The Morning Call) |
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Turns out the Lehigh University class president who robbed a bank needed money because he lost more than $5,000 playing online poker
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Monica Seles to take a stab at returning to professional tennis
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| (Honolulu Star-Bulletin) |
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Seven cast members of "Lost" have now been cited by Honolulu Police. Others to follow
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| (Times Herald-Record) |
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Police whack giant snow penis. Nothing left but big mess (with before and after photos)
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| (MetroWest Daily News) |
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Massachusetts women are now free to get drunk at parties
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Man tries to rob Mexican restaurant. Difficulty: Can't speak Spanish. La hilaridad sucede
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| (thanhniennews.com) |
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Vietnamese hotel workers build a Christmas tree out of 8,000 beer bottles (with pic)
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| (KYW) |
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Soon, air marshals will be shooting rambling, incoherent people dead at train and bus stations. They're going to need a lot more bullets
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Police on manhunt for armed Waffle House robbers, plan to scatter, smother, cover, dice, chunk, top and pepper northeast region of state
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| (OpenPR) |
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Men and women have incompatible sexual software. Women have the superior "full option" software whilst men get by with the basic "reproduction only" version. Which makes lying to obtain sex a "cheat code"
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Man claims ancient writings give him authority over Jewish people
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this stick twirler
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Disney announces film production in China. Initial plans include remake of "The Parent Trap," in which little girls pretend to be boys to avoid death
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| (My SA) |
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Today's "naked man driving his car into building then getting maced by police while trying to flee" brought to you by San Antonio
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| (WPVI) |
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Man plays new Cops-n-Robbers game: Run over wife, shave off goatee, change clothes, return to crime scene and see how long it takes until cops find you
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Gerald Ford released from hospital. Senseless attack by wolves on hold
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U.S. trade joins U.S. attention span in all-time highest deficit
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Plasma engine passes initial testing to become new space travel powerplant. Area homeless line up outside as early as 2:00 a.m. to donate
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New dollar coins featuring 37 of nation's dead presidents to begin rolling out of U.S. Mint in 2007
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| (NOLA) |
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FEMA will pay for new box-suite furniture at New Orleans Superdome, along with new scoreboards -- but will not pay to raise air conditioning and generators above water line in case the building has to be used as hurricane shelter again
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| (Local News Leader) |
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Teacher learns the hard way that if you're going to keep nude photos of yourself on your cell phone, don't leave said phone unattended on your desk
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| (The Mirror) |
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Apparently, asking female co-workers if they had sex last night and referring to them as your biatches is not considered "friendly office banter"
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Leading stem-cell researcher Woo Suk Hwang's findings in doubt, plans on going back into Korean porn if science doesn't pan out
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| (Radar Online) |
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Jenna Bush to get no White Christmas after leaving her school ID with her coke dealer in Chinatown
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"Big Bird, quit being silly. There's no Snuffleupagus, and there's no dead body on your propert ... ohhhhhh my god"
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Top 10 most evil events in comics
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High school student wins battle to wear t-shirt that declares Bush an "international terrorist." In other news, for some reason this was an issue
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| (Some Dominoes) |
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Theme: The Domino Effect
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| (Phillyburbs) |
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Boy joins ever-growing winners' circle of the stupid choking game that all the kids are playing these days for some dumb reason
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Police hunting for a man who fled a hospital with traction apparatus, his skull in a "halo" and both arms in casts. He must be enjoying some serious pain killers
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The process of "icing the kicker" by calling a timeout right before a field goal attempt may actually have opposite effect. Here comes the three-point science
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You may need a new gunner for your tank if, during target practice, the current one shells a monastery
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| (Some Guy) |
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Web-hosting company will adopt a child. He will live at web-hosting center
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Five-hundred-pound man arrested after scamming fast-food restaurants out of large amounts of tacos and milkshakes (with mugshot)
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| (Officer.com) |
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British police force considers having Santa offed by drunk driver as part of holiday ad campaign
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If you encounter Hayden Christensen in the street, don't yell "you ruined the Star Wars movies" at him unless you're a fast runner
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| (Journal News) |
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Westchester, NY limits teens at tanning salons, because the town is tired of pretty young girls with faces like a catcher's mit
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| (National Journal) |
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"Government has implicitly promised health, retirement benefits to Baby Boom generation worth $33 trillion in today's dollars over next 75 years -- obligation works out to about $266,000 for each full-time worker"
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The cemetaries are almost full, so what is the most logical thing to do? Make dying illegal, of course
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| (The Virginian Pilot) |
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"Folks, this is the captain. We're climbing past 3000 feet, please keep the tray tables up. Oh, and if you look out the right side, you'll see two fighter jets closing in on us"
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| (Some Guy) |
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The 10 most puzzling ancient artifacts
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| Tue December 13, 2005 |
| (Some Bip Boop Beep) |
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The Pong clock. Randomly plays Pong as score shows time of day (w/pics)
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| (modblog) |
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Bad-ass Brass Knuckle Implants, and you thought taking a punch to the chest by one of them was cool
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When all at once there arose such a clatter / a trooper pulled up to see what was the matter / the driver was nervous and certainly drunk / and had a live deer stashed away in his trunk
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Drunk tank painted pink to calm prisoners, render elephants invisible
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| (Some Guy) |
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"If you are living with puppet fear, what is the real cost to your health, your career or school, and to your family life?"
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| (USPS) |
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Official USPS instructions to send mail to Santa or God
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| (Defense Review) |
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The coolest machine gun you'll see today that can fire 850 rounds with one trigger pull (with video goodness)
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Attorney says some celebrity pre-nups include limiting the wife's weight to 120 pounds or she pays $100,000, and requiring a husband to pay $10,000 each time he is rude to his wife's parents
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| (Some Monkeys) |
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Today's iron photoshop ingredient: Monkeys
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Police fear more Australian cities succumbing to the rage. Beware of fast Zombies
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| (NASA) |
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Zero-G water balloon explosions (w/ video)
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ESPN, in desperate ratings grab, tries to convince us that the Cleveland Browns and Green Bay Packers are still "dangerous". "Dangerous" in this case being a euphemism for "mind-achingly boring"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Anyone who said Buffy is way, way out there was right
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| (Some Guy) |
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New Zealand hails its new heroes, two guys with too much free time and too many office supplies who made the world's largest ball of tape
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Cellphone rulings could mean billions in tax refunds
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War on Christmas takes left turn into bizarro world as man decorates home with blood-spattered Santa holding a severed head as statement against commercialization and secularization of Christmas
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| (Ho ho ho) |
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Santa arrested for exposing his toy sack
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Rep. Habay (R-PA) convicted of conflict of interest charges. Still faces outstanding charges that he made up an anthrax scare to have his staff investigate his enemies
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Caption this pic of Alan Greenspan
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| (Think Business) |
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I know it's Tuesday...but who really understands the implications of the UCC on Free Markets?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Guide to tweaking Firefox - post your tweaks in the thread
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| (Some Big Corporation) |
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Sony (rootkit) is giving away (rootkit) a sampler (rootkit) CD
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| (Library of Congress) |
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The coolest 1940's-era color photos you'll see today
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| (CBS13.com) |
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Stupid thieves caught trying to sell art back to a gallery they stole it from a month earlier
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Gross: Dating someone you don't know on the internet. Grosser: Finding out it is your mom
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Bad: You're a bigamist in hiding from two wives. Worse: The two wives meet and go on the Dr. Phil show together. Worst: The sister of your future third wife recognizes your picture and turns you in
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Virgin Galactic, going where no man has gone before, to built spaceport for space tourism in New Mexico
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The Houston Texans are pursuing an NFL record of their own this year, hoping to post the worst 16-game record in the history of the NFL
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Boy George and Anna Nicole Smith to participate in Celebrity Big Brother. They'll have to fly in coke by the ton
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Cell phone pornography is the next big technology to launch its payload onto American faces, says telecom giant Cingular.
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| (SMH) |
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Scientists find huge underwater "dead zone" at epicenter of last year's tsunami
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| (Some Guy) |
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When driving drunk at 7 times the legal limit, it is probably not a good idea to call the police to come help with your flat tire
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| (Some Gay) |
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Brokeback Mountain up to its ass in Golden Globe nominations
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Criminal genius thwarted by locked door, pitches himself out the window instead. Confused by sign that read "Use Other Door."
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| (WSB) |
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Company to start marketing a rival soft drink to Coke that includes a cocaine ingredient
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Animal behaviorist says that dogs panting is actually the sound of their laughter. Your dog wants a microphone and an amusing anecdote about airline food
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| (Click2Houston) |
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University sells "Big Brains On Campus" calendars. Zombies everywhere rejoice
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Dr. Who Christmas special to contain anti-war message. Critics claim original script contained Daleks of Mass Destruction
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British ambassador to Poland discovers that they don't like people joking about them. "We have asked the ambassador to visit the Foreign Ministry to discuss the differences between the British and Polish sense of humour"
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Senior citizens applaud new technologies for the elderly, causing millions of lights and televisions turn on and off...on and off
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Explosion levels New Jersey apartment building
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Mug shots of female strip club patrons who left baby outside in that frozen Oldsmobile. They always have an ugly friend
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Former president Gerald Ford hospitalized today. Initial reports sketchy, but he has not been eaten by wolves
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If your lawyer describes his testicles in closing arguments to jury, you just might get a new trial
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| (Orlando Sentinel) |
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"I'm fighting to decriminalize our breasts because no man, city or state should see our breasts as a means of revenue"
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Woman's chute fails, backup malfuntions, lands on pavement and lives. Oh, and her unborn baby is doing fine too
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Honda's ASIMO robot now capable of menial office tasks like greeting visitors, making coffee, finding Sarah Connor
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Complicated dances, bites on the rump, and ferocious backwards kicks are just a small part of the sexy wombat's lovemaking repertoire
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Italians question German's ball temperature
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♫ Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knockin' on Heaven's door ♫
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Bank robber nabbed after eighth-grade class follows trail of $10 bills
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