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| Sun September 25, 2005 |
| (TeenHealthFX) |
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Teen sex questions -- four years later. Those kids still say the darndest things
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| (Duluth Superior) |
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Homeowners annoyed that every hunting season, bowhunters keep shooting the plastic deer in their yards. "My decorative doe, Felicity, had an arrow sticking out of her hind quarter"
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Salty seamen spill porn all over airwaves. Faint smell of fish still apparent
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| (Some Redneck) |
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Theme: Redneck Olympic Games
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| (Times of India) |
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Funniest comic in India credits his success to hemorrhoids
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Woman annoyed by trash can left out by neighbor, attempts to move it, accidentally falls in. Naturally, this is grounds for a lawsuit
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Man opens fire at house party, killing one and injuring several others. Unimpressed partygoers then beat the crap out of gunman and hold him for police
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The World Stone Skimming Championships are set up and ready for someone to beat the 65-meter record
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Shanghai publishes guide to help you distinguish real beggars from fake beggars
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Jones Soda celebrates Halloween with new "Caramel Apple" and "Candy Corn" sodas. Oh no. Not candy corn soda
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| (Dayton Daily News) |
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Old and busted: Streaking at sporting events. New hotness: Streaking at church
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| (Some Guy) |
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Alton Brown interviewed by Brian's Belly. Eat. Drink. Be Heavy
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| (TKCC) |
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Man, stabbed several times, drives himself home to call for help so his car wouldn't get towed
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| (Happy News) |
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San Diego group wants to build a massive floating airport in the Pacific Ocean (with artist's rendition)
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| (Habitat) |
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Photoshop these building gals
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| (The Day) |
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Home aquariums now available in Shaq size
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While the U.S. throws a hissy fit over each Supreme Court nominee, Australia just picks the wild grandmother who throws kickass St. Patrick's Day parties and shuts down power plants with her ass
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Buddhists annoyed by popular new ringtone, even if it does answer the age-old question: What is the sound of one woman orgasming?
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Anti-war protest draws 100,000, non-partisan participation
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Do my handcuffs look big in this?
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| (Blogcritics) |
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According to some of the more apocalyptic bloggers, two big hurricanes in a month is clearly a sign of the end times, and they can each find one verse from scripture to prove it
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Students study the stars after building their own telescope from a 300-year-old design
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| (Oakland Tribune) |
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City caught making yellow lights too short in order to boost red light camera revenue
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Trapeze artists dive into Hudson River to save drowning man, emerge from water with showy flourishes and "TA DA!"
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For a $100 donation to aid Katrina victims, Brian Wilson will give you a personal call. For a $50 donation, David Lee Roth will move into your garage
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The best age to create your masterpiece
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Iran plans to weave largest carpet, replace Donald Trump's current hairpiece
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Malls adding new high-speed medical clinics for basic medical care with no appointment. In a stroke of marketing genius, will be placed beside food courts
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Moldovian bootlegging: Copying out the new Harry Potter book by hand
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| (Mosnews) |
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Prison officials discover 35-foot-long escape tunnel, complete with electric lights
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Houston Zoo employees turn their decision to stay overnight with the animals into a Huricane Rita party
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these shadows
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Woman survives a plunge from six stories up. Lucky for her, there was a woman on the ground floor to break her fall
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Thirty-six U.S. Navy dolphins, armed with dart guns and orders to shoot-to-kill, may be loose in hurricane aftermath
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| (koco-tv) |
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Woman, 71, is a finalist for homecoming queen of her college
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Toddler starts car, runs down three family members
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Maine elementary school make exercise mandatory for all students and staff
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| (Mcall) |
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Haggis rookie eats way to title, indigestion
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| (NBC San Diego) |
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Your knowledge of Seuss, is it deep as you think? Could you answer the questions? Could you follow this link?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Dictionary of office slang
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| Sat September 24, 2005 |
| (WebIndia123) |
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Citing financial reasons, Kentucky schools to go four-day weeks starting next month
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The Smithsonian's official term for the leftovers of birds hit by planes is "snarge"
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| (CBS Sports) |
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Two college football coaches before the game
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| (FemaleFirst.co.uk) |
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"We have done what we can for him but he may never regain use of the organ again, at least for sexual purposes." Wurlitzer not available for comment
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| (US News) |
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Seth MacFarlane on "The Family Guy": "The message to us is it isn't sex and violence that's the problem -- it's poop jokes. Public enemy No. 1 is doody"
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| (We all die someday) |
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Photoshop a Darwin Award trophy, plaque or game card. LGT future recipient
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| (World Net Daily) |
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McDonald's is going sexy in new Ronald McDonald commercial. Instead of a clown, it features a sexy woman dressed in Ronald's yellow and red (pic)
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The top 50 sci-fi shows of all time
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Faster than a thrown rock, more powerful than a horse-drawn wagon, able to leap tall piles of rubble in a single bound
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| (asahi.com) |
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Japanese man puts tavern on top of classic British double-decker bus, sells two-hour tours
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Sri Lanka's election chief hasn't voted since 1963 because he doesn't trust politicians
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| (Voice of San Diego) |
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"Drunk people like my daughter, is that wrong?"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Student writes guide to getting laid on campus, claiming all girls at his school are "promiscuous by nature"
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Elderly woman feeding squirrels and birds surprised to find a black bear vying for her attention
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Crazy Frog can no longer croak during the day, after parents complained about excessive phone bills from their kids downloading the tune
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| (irish-architecture.com) |
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Jedi library located in Dublin. Strangely enough, drinking was not involved in the discovery
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Bill Cosby doesn't want to sign your farking baseball
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After finally having his head examined, Cheney surprised that docs actually find something
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Prince Saud al-Faisal says Bush ignored warnings about the consequences of invading Iraq. Saudis now claim that Iraq is "hurtling towards disintegration." Can the "Obvious" tag trump itself?
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| (WFMY) |
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Asexual couples on the rise. No problem as long as they don't start touting their lifestyle choices
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Alien contact is coming. Are we ready?
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Pilot attempts to send message indicating he lost communications, ends up sending code indicating hijack. Oops
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The phrases "ugly ass" and "marmot" always go hand in hand. Especially when dealing with the baby ones (pic)
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Brazil outlaws brothel advertising at racing event, effectively ending brothel's promise of "emotion on every curve"
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| (Some Hungry Hungry Chick) |
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Photoshop your favorite boardgame gone horribly wrong
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Police and fire, called to remove seven-foot poster of a naked man, encounter difficulty because they're laughing too hard
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| (Deseret News) |
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Don't give other motorists the bird in Utah -- they'll shoot your finger off
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Old and busted senior-citizen activities: Mah-jong, muffin baking. New hotness: "Becoming one of America's elite warriors," pushing "physical and mental limits beyond anything" known
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Four days after swallowing a 13-inch knife, six-month-old puppy has it removed in two-hour operation. How many apples does Jack have?
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Musician to become the first to use the sound of cancer in a dance track. Still no cure for two left feet
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| (Some Guy) |
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Neighbors taking up arms against violent maniac who thinks he's bigfoot
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| (Rochester D&C) |
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Indy Racing League plans to switch over to ethanol fuel, hoping to pave way for the consumer market
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Shark attack averted after Australian surfer gets into a fistfight with the shark and wins
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Cop and his fiance exchange wedding vows and the happy news that they're both still married to other people
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Girl expelled from Christian school because her parents can't get married
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| (KRNV) |
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New ice-cream flavor debuts at Global Gaming Expo in Las Vegas: Hepatitis A
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Photoshop this unusual beam of light
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| (Some Angry Blogger) |
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Georgia governor says all schools should close on Monday and Tuesday to "conserve gas." Singlehandedly creates panic statewide
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Survey finds that CSI makes jurors demand forensic evidence. Even when it's incredibly unnecessary
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Police seeking the Moped Bandit of Parma and his menacing bulge
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| (Nature) |
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In the future, dentists could use a glowing jet of plasma to clean your mouth (pic)
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| (nhc.noaa.gov) |
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Hurricane Rita discussion thread
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Hiker stumbles onto pot farm in national forest, crawls out asking for pizza
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U.S. Bowling Congress forms task force to determine how new ball technologies affect integrity of their "sport." Beer-spilled-on-lane issue still unaddressed
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German flasher gets cocky, exposes himself to off-duty police officer. Officer whips out phone, calls for back-up
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Admiral Nelson's undershirt set for auction. Flying Sub hits the block next week
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Woman test drives car. Test drive ends after swimming pool moves into her lane without signaling
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| (Some Guy) |
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How much do you think a PayPerView of a public execution at, say, $20 per would raise?
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| Fri September 23, 2005 |
| (Some Hippy) |
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Theme: If Fark had been around in the 60s...
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| (Hartford Courant) |
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Muslim man who missed flight, but check-in baggage didn't, asks gate agent hypothetically "What if there was a bomb in my bag?" Non-hypothetical jailarity ensues
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| (Governator Homepage) |
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AudioEdit the governor of California on current government issues
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| (Some Guy) |
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Hurricane Rita landstrike thread
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| (Cleveland Banner) |
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Ninjas rob cafe, steal golf cart
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TFer Wil is the 2005 World Series of Strip Poker champion
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World of Warcraft players contract plague, killing thousands on server. No word yet on whether NBA Live 2006 will include herpes outbreaks
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| (Asheville Citizen) |
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Usually, in a collision between a car and a building, the building wins. But not always
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| (Some Lil' Brudder) |
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High school football refs ban player from game for not having required shoes and knee pads. Problem is, player doesn't have feet or knees (with pics)
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Guinea pig gets sent 206 Valentine cards in order to set new Guiness world record
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Chicago White Sox, 15 games in first place on August 1st, now just 1.5 games ahead of Cleveland coming down the stretch. Chicago hasn't seen a collapse this historic since... never mind, this happens every year
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Armed, six-legged battle robots on southern side of Korean border to patrol with dogs, watch for Sarah Connor
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| (Max's) |
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Reminder: Baltimore Fark party, Saturday night, Max's on Broadway in Fell's Point, 8:00 p.m. (LGT Max's)
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Montana just doesn't know what to do with its toxic-waste lake. "It doesn't pose a significant risk to human health and the environment," says EPA Project Manager Lying McLiarpants
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Coretta Scott King released from hospital after heart attack and stroke. Jesse Jackson promises investigation of racism in cholesterol, high blood pressure
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Drinking, smoking weed and having sex is all in a day's work for a group of this middle school's faculty
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| (Western Daily Press) |
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Dog survives falling off cliff, being bitten by snake and being gored by stag
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Mystery poop prompts school to sack sub. Teacher tossed for tasking tots with tidying turd
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| (Some College) |
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Photoshop this tunnel. Difficulty: No stormtroopers
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Great big gobs of glowing green hamster spunk help misfiring monkey meat
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Wife of Fiji's president catches intruder who broke into their home, turned on loud music and began working out
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Scottsdale police raid what authorities describe as the world's first "family-run escort service." The phrase "coffee's for closers" takes on weird double meaning
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Federal jury awards Egyptian-born radiologist $2.5 million after his apartment was searched by his property manager following 9/11
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| (news4jax.com) |
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Hospital sends Britney, mini-Cletus home
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The Vatican resumes medieval rituals of exorcism
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Hollywood adding trailers to church services. Popcorn and nachos available in vestibule
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FBI thought Lennon was too stoned to start a revolution. Even a broken clock is right twice a day
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| (ANN) |
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Japanese universities sell out
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Two guys and girl shoot porn flick in ferris wheel cabin on Munich Oktoberfest. Might have gotten away with it if it weren't for the meddling other passengers in that same cabin
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Dog in New Zealand registers to vote, has trouble distinguishing giant douche and turd sammich
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"A Current Affair" has been cancelled again. To be replaced by Geraldo Rivera's new show. Future headline: "Geraldo Rivera's new show cancelled, to be replaced by reruns of Double Dare"
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| (Contact Music) |
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British town realizes they probably shouldn't have had Brad Pitt help design new £292,000,000 sports and housing complex
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Qantas to offer wing-walking tour featuring a "unique" jumbo view, has still never had a crash, never had a crash
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When busted for road rage, Paris Hilton claims it was to escape the paparazzi. The paparazzi say that she's just a fast driver
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| (Some Dollar Bill Y'all) |
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T-shirt boasting of Oregon's strip clubs gets three thumbs up from chief executive of tourism
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McCain: "I think if we were going to address the issue of taxes, it would be almost a cop out. What we need to do is cut spending and waste before we ask the American people to pay more taxes"
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Steroid Raffy tried to blame his positive test on a B-12 shot he got from teammate Miguel Tejada. Tejada, Orioles now offering Raffy a flaming shot of STFU
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| (webindia123.com) |
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India and China form alliance to create films which you will never see
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Newest fad diet to hit the market is based on "The Da Vinci Code." Mary Magdalene surrenders
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| (LGN) |
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Ottawa Fark Party at the Cock 'n Lion on Saturday at 8:00 p.m. (LGN) The lion is already supplied -- bring your own cock
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Wired provides a Fark-ready headline: Swelling demand for sex-ed online
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| (KTEN Denison) |
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Latest victim in the Nigerian email scam: The Ardmore City School District
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New York and Oregon to allow the direct shipment of wine from one to the other, ensuring that the two liter jugs of crappy wine will always be in supply
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San Fransisco officials grant approval to close Fillmore Street, truck in 200 tons of snow and construct giant ski jump. "Cool" tag trumps "Strange" for "Obvious" reasons...
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| (Brew Crew 6) |
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Fark Football gathering tomorrow morning into the afternoon on Cooper in front of KET under the oaks. BYOB
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Canadian women's organization goes all PMS over NHL hot-chick ad campaign
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| (620ktar) |
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♫♫ Cows in the wind ♫♫ All they are is ♫♫ Cows in the wind ♫♫ Hmm hmm hmm hmmmmmm...
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today is TFer Chastain86's 30th birthday. Photoshop this picture of him and his baby daughter sitting on the porch
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British government considers introducing American-style summer camps for kids to combat racism and promote peace. Blissfully unaware of the horrors of wedgies, Indian burns and the purple herbie
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British supermarket shoppers are driving orangutangs to extinction
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| (India Daily) |
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It's really very simple. First you use meditation to convert yourself to zero point energy, and then you travel across the universe in 5D hyperspace. Duh
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Hurricane Rita discussion thread
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| (yeimi) |
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Here's your reminder about Saturday's Baltimore Fark party at Max's. Best beer list in town. LGT original thread with details
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Rising waters spill over New Orleans levees. Mayor Ray Nagin calms fears by telling residents that it's just the rinse cycle
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Most office workers don't understand basic computer jargon. N00bs
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Circus lion set free by children is recaptured. Had hoped to fade into Bolivian
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| (Herald-Sun) |
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NASCAR cracking down on road-rage incidents, vows that the next driver to lose his cool on the track will start the next race on pole position driving a Toyota Prius plastered with Vagisil sponsorship decals
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| (Some Guy) |
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EA recalls Madden roster update because it made a Jets offensive lineman seven-inches tall
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| (Newton Bee) |
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Police baffled by thief who stole three dozen chickens, but left one that now has really low self-esteem
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Police performing routine traffic stop can't help but notice the African lion in the back
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| (Some Gun Owner) |
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NRA files lawsuit to stop New Orleans from taking guns from armed citizens. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition
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Action figure of soccer star Wayne Rooney can kick, punch and sulk (with funny pics)
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Bus carrying Rita evacuees catches fire near Dallas, at least one fatality reported
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this precarious situation
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NYC to install 20 pay toilets for people to pee beside
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Berlin cops wreck 22 BMW squad cars, as punishment now have to drive VW vans
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Agave plants found to help people lose weight. Part that says benefits don't carry over into tequila needs more study
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English lord spends most of his £35-million fortune on cocaine, heroin, wild women. The rest of the money he just wasted
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City official wants to ban Sunday soccer: "God our Father intended the seventh day to be one of rest and worship"
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| (Some Boy Elroy) |
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Meet George Jetson, military-industrial pawn
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| (nbc5) |
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Parakeet returned to its owner after chirping its address (with pic)
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Car thieves steal car at gas station, return an hour later to fill up tank
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| (Some TFer) |
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Photoshop this little fighter pilot
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| (CHUD) |
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Joss Whedon talks "Buffy." Spike and Faith to form rock band, travel through space
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| Thu September 22, 2005 |
| (Iowa Channel) |
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High school teacher witnesses group of students TPing his home, decides to resolve situation rationally by wading into crowd swinging a sword
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| (All Headline News) |
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Florida sub shops gets order from the Red Cross for 200,000 subs, to be ready for delivery in three days
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| (Some Farkette) |
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Calling all folks in Western New York and Southern Ontario: FARK PARTY, NIAGARA FALLS, CANADA. (Who said Canadians don't shout?)
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| (RightOnNews.com) |
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Government auditors wonder if Halliburton contracts invite abuse because they are "open-ended and not clearly defined"
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| (The Australian) |
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Opponent to nude beach says the plan should be stopped because "unadorned worms are preyed upon by birds"
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German brewery to offer a minimum of 10,000 litres of beer to fans of the first team to beat Bayern Munich
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| (ksat.com) |
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Student files suit because college will not allow her service ferret. Her what?
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| (Some Kiwi) |
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Fleeing robber captured after falling out of wheelchair
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"We could tell you what we're using your patented invention for, but then we'd have to kill you"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Greatest complaint letter ever, even better if you imagine John Cleese reading it
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| (Some Itchy Jedi) |
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Toyota will be equipped soon with medicated seats to heal rashes. Bacta tank in the trunk extra
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Fences, helicopters and militiamen weren't enough to keep them out, but Rita is enough to scare Mexicans back to Mexico
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Defense argument -- "I sold fake crack but never said it was real crack" -- does not hold up in court
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Homeowner's insurance in NOLA covers wind damage, but not water damage. Umbrella, meet banker
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| (Some Guy) |
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New vodka comes in a bong. Hippies everywhere start checking the couch for spare change
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| (Some Player) |
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Photoshop this ballplayer catching a fly ball
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New, dangerous canine flu speading through kennels and dog tracks in North America
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Police stake out bar hoping to bust journalist who criticized their use of radar as a "cash cow"
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Fark's IP addresses are changing; expect some glitchy behavior for the next few hours -- Mike
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| (National Geographic) |
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Legendary evil dwarf gardener behind 800-year-old Amazon tree cultivations discovered to be legendary evil acid-spitting ants
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Aspen real estate so pricey that even the realtors are forced out
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| (nhc.noaa.gov) |
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Evacuate all Hurricane Rita comments to this new shelter
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New children's book has "depictions of children running across a busy road with their eyes shut and a boy setting fire to his head." What could possibly go wrong?
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Plague-infected mice missing from NJ lab. Identifiable characteristics of one: Large head, beady eyes. Another has large ears, says "narf" alot
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Church "purifies" money from drug dealers so they can justify keeping it
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| (WPVI) |
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Authorities seize a ton of marijuana after man thought he could grow that much for medicinal reasons
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On today's episode of "Politicians Behaving Badly": The drunk and kilted Scottish parliamentarian who lit a hotel curtain on fire
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| (SLO Tribune) |
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And now, Action News at 6... with your anchors, Sherman Hemsley and Florence Henderson... the guy from Smashmouth, with sports... C.C. DeVille of Poison, with the weather... and Tawny Kitaen, reporting from a farmer's market
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John Roberts nomination to be chief justice approved. Roberts evasive, answers that he might be happy
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| (Rocky Mtn News) |
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Burger chain to pay man $150,000 in lawsuit over religious tattoos on his wrists
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| (bakersfield.com) |
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Police find cases of food, clothing and tools in the home of a New Orleans suburban administrative officer
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The best reason to love Halloween in the 1990s was that Duracell commercial featuring a toy vampire with a giant battery in its stomach (review with download)
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| (Oil Drum) |
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Perspective and discussion of Rita's impacts on Gulf Oil Production. Great info, lots of pics, charts, predictions all consolidated in one place
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Man arrested for extorting ¥30 million from former elementary-school classmate over a 15-year period
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| (WMUR) |
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When trying to impersonate an officer by modifying your car to look like an undercover cruiser, it's best not to show it off to your friends a week beforehand
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| (Towelpuppetmaster) |
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Photoshop this guy and his creepy towel puppet
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| (Some Guy) |
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Airsoft gun converted to fully automated Sentry Turret. Your Gordon Freeman wants to quickload, over and over again
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Farkers needing or willing to put up shelter from Rita discussion thread. Thanks to all those who helped out during Katrina
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Parents suing over bats in school. School says parents are a pain in the neck and bleeding it dry
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Group from MIT invents something cool -- rope that can tell you when it's fraying
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Photoshop this woman sitting with two crash-test dummies
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Scientists study "Cheerio Effect" -- AKA why floating pieces of cereal clump together in milk. Still no cure for cancer
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| (theaustralian) |
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Tiger Woods doesn't appreciate it when caddies wear a "Tiger Who?" cap, or when random dorks say "for shizzle" to him
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| (Some Guy) |
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Stories and pictures of cats who work in stores
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Continue Hurricane Rita discussion here
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| (Some Guy) |
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Teflon Don's spawn John gets to keep on keepin-on since jury can't be counted on to agree upon what's really been going on
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DNA test proves the wrong man has been paying child support to Amber Frey for the past four years. No deposit, no return
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If you're trying to avoid ticket inspectors on train, hiding under the one that just pulled into the platform probably isn't the wisest choice
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Pro surfer barred for steroid use. How steroids would help a surfer still unclear
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North Korea strips diplomatic gears shifting into reverse, accuses U.S. of planning nuclear attack
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| (Farktography) |
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Theme of Farktography contest No. 20: "Landscapes." Link goes to next week's theme. Please read first post
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| Wed September 21, 2005 |
| (kansascity.com) |
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Top 15 Missouri prison tattoos: Cross, skull, reaper... okay... but unicorn? Bunny?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Totalfarker-run website allows submission of photos of your scars along with the stories behind them. Puts that old "chicks dig scars" saying to the test. (Some may be graphic)
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Early thunderstorm threatens nation's raisin crop. Voting enabled for your favorite type of food that contains raisins
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| (witz.org) |
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In addition to being bald, the formerly hot Natalie Portman has taken up smoking (with pics)
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Truck accident causes IRS checks to blow into San Francisco Bay
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TiVo may one day allow Hollywood to delete your copyrighted recordings
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Mariah Carey gets multiple music-award nominations, including "Most Crazy Artist," "Skank of the Year" and "Outstanding Achievement in Bikini Wearing"
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Jimmy Kimmel to televise from Detroit, actually expects to survive to come home
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| (Some Big Bunny Foo Foo) |
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Viennese art group builds giant bunny on side of mountain
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| (Some Guy) |
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The dancing dolphin
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Noodle maker to film ad in space, possibly to be closer to His Noodly Appendage
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| (Some Guy) |
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John Hinckley seeks weekend passes to visit parents, also wants a girlfriend so he can have a shot at bush
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Like many female ex-convicts, Martha Stewart says she has sworn off fur
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| (TSN) |
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Canada still steamed about not getting a bronze medal in a 1964 hockey game
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| (National Enquirer) |
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President Bush started drinking after Katrina hit
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| (LG2 season finale thread) |
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"Lost" season premiere discussion thread -- spoilers in thread
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| (www.nbc4.tv) |
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Jet Blue aircraft attempting emergency landing at LAX after landing gear malfunction. (Update: It landed)
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One of America's oldest rodeos bans chewing tobacco, which begs the question: Why are nine-year-olds chewing tobacco?
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Man receives ransom note for his kidnapped dog along with a bag of poop. "It looked like my dog's poop, but I'm not a dog-poop analyst"
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John Mellencamp, Grandmaster Flash, Blondie and Miles "Peein' Your Pants Is Cool" Davis to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Maybe next year, J. Geils
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Galveston, Texas area shelter needs to find foster homes for 80 animals by 5:00 p.m.
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Strip club reopens in New Orleans, offering $1 private dances to rescue workers
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| (Courier Journal) |
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ESPN putting football games on rarely subscribed ESPNU in order to strongarm cable providers into picking up the channels. Also considers changing the name to ESPN-FU
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Argue all you want about parental rights, but it's hard to be taken seriously when walking down a busy street drunk, wearing nothing but your underpants and a shotgun
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| (Business Insurance) |
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Insane level of hurricane activity not to last much longer. Only for the next 20 years or so
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Study finds men aren't likely to wash hands after using the washroom. Still no cure for cancer, but at least you can avoid colds, guys
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Jurors, in case against the judge who used a penis pump while presiding over murder case, will get to see sex toy after other evidence fails to stand up in court
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Aries Frenchman sues newspaper for printing negative horoscope. Libra's scales were unimpressed
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People argue over whether the face seen in the clouds was that of Jesus or Ringo Starr (with really cool pic of the cloud)
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Airplane fakes emergency landing so passengers can watch soccer game
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| (Fairbanks Daily News-Miner) |
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From the "every cloud has a silver lining" department, high oil prices have resulted in the Alaska state government having enough money for every politician to roll around naked in cash, light cigars with burning c-notes
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| (Some Guy) |
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Typical hippie artist-type chains himself to tree to show his love for it. Body is found three years later, Darwin surrenders
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New condensed version of the Bible only bores people for 100 minutes
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Chicagoans upset: Marshall Fields stores changing name to Macy's. "If you aren't willing to accept change, then you stay in the past and we're never going to stay in the past," said mayor in office since 1989
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In the absence of hard facts, many journalists create bogus trends by using weasel words like "many"
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Horrible things occur at the bottom of a pile of footballers--article includes UFIA photo goodness
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Nokia sells it's one billionth crappy phone
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| (Some Rita) |
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Rita goes cat5, still pondering wireless
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Acupuncture found to be an effective treatment to help fertility, as long as men don't ask where the needles will be placed
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| (WSJ) |
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What's old is new again: SBC to purchase AT&T, Verizon to purchase MCI, Sprint/Nextel/Verizon/SBC to join and form Voltron
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| (NewsWatch50.com) |
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INXS to replace frontman with Canadian Elvis impersonator, causing vortex of suckage so large it makes Celine Dion sound good
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| (Lowell Sun) |
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This month's "teacher caught raping her student" story would have been brought to you last month if police hadn't illegally kept the arrest secret to avoid taking publicity away from the DA's office
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| (Some Guy) |
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Theme: Unlikely UFOs
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Top refiner says Hurricane Rita could be a "national disaster" with gas prices spiking well over $3 a gallon; proceeds to touch himself
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Geeks gone wild: Students prepare to launch satellite into space during the best spring break everrrrr
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Miss Thailand quits after ten days because, well, apparently Thailand sucks
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| (Daily Herald) |
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Senate majority leader dumps stock days before 15 percent drop on bad earnings. Martha Stewart kicks dog
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Dutch talk show host plans to take heroin and LSD on air. What could possibly go wrong?
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Feds want to ban all cellphone use for teens when driving. No word yet on grandma with her four-inch-thick glasses
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Rita turns toward New Orleans. In other news, mainstream media fond of scary headlines that completely misrepresent the article
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If you get married in India, it's a good idea not to kiss the bride until after the ceremony. Jailarity could ensue
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| (Inside Higher Ed) |
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Emory student body prez declares self "supreme ruler" and declares war on Washington U. in St. Louis
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| (Rugby Football Union) |
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Rugby union rules that UFIA not allowed in matches for three weeks. That sound you hear is a league unclenched
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| (Some Guy) |
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How to turn your hamster into a fighting machine without the use of steroids
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Djibril Cisse -- the Dennis Rodman of European soccer -- will appear nude in 2006 calendar
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| (Female First) |
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It's one thing to steal milk off people's porches, but leaving them taunting notes about eating their cereal dry? Well, that's just mean
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Hey, some team won the WNBA Super Bowl or championship or whatever they have
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| (WESH) |
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Rita gets some liposuction and a nose job, hits Category 4
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Ebayers bidding $8 million (and counting) for Robby Gordon's thrown helmet from Sunday
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Senators don't want to share the Kobe beef with you
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When dolphins wash up on the beach dead, it usually doesn't have anything to do with being stabbed
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| (nbc5) |
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Volvo designs first car for women that automatically calls the dealership if something breaks (with pics)
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| (Lowell Sun) |
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Banks saw their chance and snuck in a $0.05 per gallon gas-price increase while everybody was busy blaming oil companies
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If you buy a used car in the next few months, be sure to check for fish in the glovebox
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| (NBC 6) |
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Same snake rescued twice during Hurricane Rita, no sign of badgers or mushrooms
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| (Some Garden) |
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Photoshop these flowers
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| (NBC5) |
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Las Vegas man demands six-digit reward for fingering culprits in Wendy's chili case. Says Wendy's shouldn't thumb their nose at him any longer
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Barry Bonds shows his humanitarian side: Urges Congress to focus on Katrina aftermath instead of steroids
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BMW owner in China comes back to parked car to find note offering marriage, reading "I love you because you have a BMW"
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City tries to use eminent domain to knock down tavern for Catholic school's athletic fields, raising an important question: What can possibly be more beneficial for a community than a tavern?
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Tom Wolfe's new book will not have the title on the cover to make more room for his name
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| (National Hurricane Center) |
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National Hurricane Center pauses for a moment to mention that Rita could turn out to be a Category 5 killstorm, then goes back to doing furious nerd-math
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Fire chief bans all women firefighters from entering burning buildings
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| (Christian Today) |
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Christians claim penguins that march 70 miles to nest on ice are evidence for intelligent design
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Israel, tired of waiting for Europe, creates its own Final Countdown
|
| Tue September 20, 2005 |
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Sports Illustrated is picking the Minnesota Vikings to win the NFC, on the strength of their no-touchdown, eight-interception, two-fumble quarterback
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The 2005 Cleveland Indians are playing just like in the movie "Major League." Jobu would be proud
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Starbucks decides it would be nifty to sell coffee in cups bearing a quote from a gay author about the dangers of repressing one's youthful homosexuality at Baptist University in Texas. Hilarity? It didn't ensue
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| (mainichi-msn.co.jp) |
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Rubber company develops new Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky condoms. Hillary Clinton condom was cancelled after users complained about frostbite
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Steve Jobs calls the record industry greedy, challenges it to a mud-wrestling match
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Groping charges against Christian Slater are likely to be dropped if the actor stays out of trouble for six months and formally apologizes for the movie "Kuffs"
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| (KATU 2) |
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Lightning-fast bicyclist who hit and killed elderly woman cleared of charges due to insufficient evidence that a Trek was a real bicycle
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| (Some Spiffy Wheels) |
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Photoshop this speedster
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Norman Mailer wins literary Lifetime Achievement Award. His fans are glad he's not naked, he's just glad he's not dead
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Dan Rather fights back tears as he denounces "new journalism order." Says he longs for halcyon days when journalists relied on forged documents for their stories
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Employees have hard time swallowing Siemens job cuts. Say they feel like they're just being spit out
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| (Gainesville Sun) |
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You say poTAYto, I say poTAHto; you say toMAYto, I say coCAINE. Police call the whole thing off
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Someone is livening up life in Massachussetts by releasing alligators into area waterways
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| (Uncle Bob) |
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Does the hair on your balls turn gray as you get older? Uncle Bob tells us the startling answer
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Ford says predatory Japanese are hogging the hybrid parts necessary to make Ford vehicles into fuel-efficient pieces of trash
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| (chronicle.duke.edu) |
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Duke sucks so bad, its mascot got clocked by a member of VMI's band
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Sad news: TFarker Auspicious died yesterday
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| (KSDK) |
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FEMA sends trucks full of ice to Maine. Nobody really knows why
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| (WPVI) |
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Man, busted for stealing a 250-pound beaver statue, ordered by a judge to spend the next few weeks guarding other beaver statues
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If Florida residents can take their minds off the hurricane for a few moments, biologists would like to warn them about a new kind of meat-eating reptile in their swamps, complete with a powerful bite and a pungent "squiddy smell"
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You know it's a slow news day when Neil Young tearing up a newspaper makes the news
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In a sure sign of the Apocalypse, Rebecca Romijn is engaged to the fat kid from "Stand By Me"
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| (WPVI) |
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"Dance-off" between two cheerleading squads lead to rumble
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| (DCist) |
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September 20 will be remembered as the day Beer Pong died
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U.S. government thinks pope should be immune from abuse suits, hell
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HBO cancels Lisa Kudrow's show about a has-been actress seeking to revive her career
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Dodge finally kicks the Neon to the curb
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| (deadlyhippos.com) |
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Hysterical interview with creator of Oregon Trail video game -- fortunately no one dies of dysentery
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| (Hollywoodtuna.com) |
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Mariah Carey drinking like a fish
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| (Ashton Hacked) |
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Today's celebrity cellphone being hacked brought to you by Ashton Kutcher
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China takes the first steps towards cleaning up Beijing's toilets by barring flies from congregating in groups greater than two
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Fed raises interest rates another .25 percent, no signs of stopping. In other news, your ARM soon to be called a LEG
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Researchers analysing the DNA of 196 cannabis plants collected from all over the world have discovered a new species of marijuana. Apparently unaware that this same data could have been collected from Willie Nelson's bong
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Kirstie Alley loses a twelve-year-old's worth of weight, says she's only a five-year-old away from her target weight
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Police distribute jackets to Aboriginal police officers without noticing the code word for "alcoholic" in big green letters was written on the back
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Lessons to be learned from the Germans: "Unemployment, insecurity -- it's all forgotten after five beers"
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David Beckham has a gay hissy-fit slapfight with opposing player after soccer match
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Hurricane Rita called up from the minor leagues, is now a Category 2 storm
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Health experts find results of oral-sex survey hard to swallow; say that teens need to be more informed of the risks involved, as if that's going to stop them
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Woman busted after pretending to be a Katrina victim to obtain free housing, food, furniture and cash from various charities
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Researchers discovering that "cyclist's penis" leads to impotence -- t'aint no laughing matter
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Man who wears giant bird suit knows place in pecking order. Says hecklers won't ruffle his feathers despite recently being attacked. Police suspect fowl play (with pic)
|
| (Fond du Lac Reporter) |
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When on the run from police without your pants, it's a bad idea to knock on random people's doors asking for directions to McDonald's
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Because there is no Hallmark card for "We're sorry for flooding your town with 300 million gallons of gooey black coal sludge," company decides on settling out of court
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Speed cameras issue over 1,000 erroneous tickets per month, but the system is not broken because they are "administrative mistakes"
|
| (First Coast News) |
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Jelly beans, licorice, lemonheads, whoppers, speedballs... one of these things is not like the other
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| (SFW) |
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Photoshop this guy in the river with his woman who leaves no doubt as to how cold that water must be
|
| (Dayton Daily News) |
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Nimh preparing to rise again in Dayton as 200 pet rats start eating their owner
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The 32-year-old Canadian/Denmark conflict commonly known as the "Great Neener-Neener War" is over. Troops call a halt to tossing kippers and thumbing noses at each other and return home
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Man advertises on an online "help wanted" site in search of an accomplice to help rob a store. What could possibly go wrong?
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Lions in Ethiopia have killed 20 people and 750 animals this year. No number on wrestling midgets
|
| (wsoctv.com) |
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This year's "old naked ladies calendar" brought to you by the desperate librarians of Waupaca, Wisconsin
|
| (Times Democrat) |
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"He said he had gone to Seattle 'on a drunk,' and while there, his buddies had drank a lot and cut his testicles off"
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Rita becomes a hurricane, not expected to make the BCS rankings
|
| (Some Guy) |
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New York radio listeners don't know (or care to know) Jack: Ratings drop "We play what we want" station to 22nd in the Big Apple
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Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal dies at age 96. No need to comment, Godwin's law invoked
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Kim Jong Il cockblocks the world after demanding the U.S. supply him with a light-water nuclear reactor, naked photos of Bea Arthur
|
| (Daily Record) |
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Former Tyco suits sentenced to 25 years in maximum security federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Also ordered to pay $239 million
|
| (GIS) |
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Photoshop these Rap Snacks. Difficulty: No Hammer. Link goes to GIS for product
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Tractor trailer full of frozen chickens catches fire on the highway. Dinner is served
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 |
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CBS has evidently invented time travel and not told anyone yet: New show may tell you what would have happened if you'd had married that annoying girl you dated in college
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Big-and-tall men's shop realizes men don't much like being called big and tall
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Psychopaths make the world's best financial traders. Here comes the science, which may tie you up and kill you
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Pirate novel Marlo Brando never wanted published arrives in book stores this week
|
| (nbc5) |
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Serbians grill 62-pound hamburger, setting new world record (with pic)
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British undercover agents get sent to jail in Basra. Friends with six tanks bust them out
|
| (Some Guy) |
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AudioEdit a farker going to a college party. Link goes to inspiration
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| (Eurekalert!) |
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Mars, Inc. develops healthy chocolate-like snack that lowers bad cholesterol. Mars HQ deploys force field to repel Oprah
|
| (Mail & Guardian (Zaire)) |
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Teenager steals bike in Nigeria; sentenced to giving the justice system a hand. Literally
|
| (Lincoln Journal) |
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Saturday's Pittsburgh/Nebraska game was so boring, it drove Brent Musburger to drink
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Republican Women vs. Democrat Women. No, this is not a mud wrestling match...
|
| (Mail & Guardian (Zaire)) |
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Old and busted: Spa mud baths. New hotness: Austria's beer baths
|
| (National Journal) |
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Comprehensive list of White House staffers -- what they do and how much they get paid
|
| (Pittsburgh Live) |
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Top 10 list of pointless celebrities: Clay Aiken is "a shirt tag on the back of your neck. Even if you don't see him, he still annoys you"
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