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| Sun July 24, 2005 |
| (some pic) |
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Photoshop this lonely ladder
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New Jersey looks to add your car to long list of places where it's illegal to smoke
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| (Daily Times) |
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"I like wearing women's knickers to work but was too embarrassed to buy any myself, which is why I took my neighbours'"
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| (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) |
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Lt. gov trolls marine's funeral for anti-war support
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America wins Gold Cup, Panama confused
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| (Sea Coast Online) |
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Eight-year-old cancer patient wins doughnut-box design competition on her birthday (with pic)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Researchers from the Do the World a Favor Institute discover hostile people drop dead sooner
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Busy brazen bastard beheads Betty Boop
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| (Some Guy) |
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Buy your own four-meter Gundam. Comes with guns. (With video)
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AFL protests its members boycotting its meetings
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| (North Jersey.com) |
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Local residents dismayed that white-separatist group has begun to publish its own newspaper and deliver it free of charge to people's doorsteps
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Citing privacy and precedent, the Bush Administration indicated Sunday it does not intend to release all memos and other documents written by Supreme Court nominee John Roberts when he worked for two Republican presidents
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Stroking his beard in the afternoon heat, the man had a thought. It was a good thought. A strong thought. "I look like Hemingway," he thought. "I should enter the Hemingway look-alike contest." And so he did. And it was good
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Huge 7.3 earthquake off of Indian coast. Update: Tsunami watch cancelled
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| (Some Small Town) |
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Photoshop these young jousters at the Bentleyville (Ohio) Fall Festival
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Boston area residents share their "quirky collections," including GI Joes, Mr. Potato Heads and one man reading to his 200 plastic flamingos (with pics)
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| (SC Dept. of Corrections) |
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82 year-old who's been on the lam for 55 years for non-violent crime still wanted by South Carolina authorities (with really out-of-date pic)
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Lance Armstrong wins Tour De France an unprecedented seventh time. France surrenders to Bob Roll's "Tore dee Frants"
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| (Some Greasy Spooner) |
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Down home cooking while on the open road
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Lee Iacocco's Chrysler ads falling down on two fronts: Only a third of young buyers know who he is, and the rest are taking the whole "If you can find a better car, buy one" thing as a statement of fact, not a challenge
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| (WPMI) |
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Alabama House of Representatives wants to surgically castrate violent child molestors
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| (Medical News) |
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According to medical experts, new treatments allow testicular cancer patients to father children, nail Sheryl Crow
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| (Some Guy) |
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How to practice the guitar, 101
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Confusion at auto sale as auctioneer confused by sudden rash of bidding actually turns out to be people fleeing from SUV
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Alabama votes to urge its citizens to boycott Aruba. Aruba's economic losses estimated at tens of dollars
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Lightning strike sucks beach-goer out of water and drops him
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| (Some Guy Still Folding ...) |
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Ever wondered how to fold a dollar bill into a shirt?
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| (Monterey Herald) |
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Woman takes 'dropping the kids off at the pool' to a whole new level
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| (Some Guy) |
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Boy spots missing man during Hawaii helicopter ride; T.C., Higgy-baby unavailable for comment
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| (Some Tin Foil Hat) |
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Photoshop the big discovery scientists have been hiding from us because, as a society, we're not ready for it
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Barcode album art, dumbass cashiers end up costing Sony $5 a CD
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| (Sunday Mail) |
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Punter learns Scottish money is not legal tender in any country
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| (Some Guy) |
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Fryer fire at North Pole McDonald's leaves dozens of Elves looking for summertime work
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New device disables cars when owners are late with monthly payment. Because that's the best time to not be able to get to work
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| (WSAV Savanna) |
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Dumb: Armed robbery. Dumber: Picking a McDonalds as a soft target. Dumbest: Manager takes gun away and shoots would-be robber right in his "Big Mac"
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When concocting a kidnapping story to cover all that time and money lost at the strip club, make sure the gas station sells dog food
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Concerned Mormon friends erect billboard with photos and biographical info of their 31-year-old bachelor Mormon friend in attempt to find him a bride -- because he's "approaching a status as the male-equivalent of an Old Maid"
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| (Myrtle Beach Online) |
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Lifelong juggler takes his profession very seriously, vows to have it re-added as an Olympic sport
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Gigantic dust cloud headed for the US. Your dog wants a Swiffer
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| (Spanky) |
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It's Paul Reubens Day. Give yourself a hand
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Canada wins award for dumbest government at 'World Stupidity Awards'
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| (Some Guy) |
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Target map of who's gonna get a good can of whoop-ass if a nuclear attack is imminent (scroll down)
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While clamming, 82-year-old clammer finds wedding ring lost years ago while clamming
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| (KSDK.com) |
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Missouri law makes it illegal for state universities to charge tuition
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| Sat July 23, 2005 |
| (Sun-Sirius Conjunction) |
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It's the "dog days of summer." Photoshop that or some other old-time description that you don't really understand
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Prison inmate sues over a fingertip in his cornbread - Claims he's a vegetarian & the finger went against his buddhist faith
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United Airlines' inflight magazine sponsors Faux Faulkner contest; refuses to publish Bush-spoofing winning entry
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| (insidebayarea.com) |
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Journalist investigates phantom surcharge of 67 cents on phone bill. Witness the shocking result
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Deadeye the golfer ricochets golf ball from the woods to a hole-in-one. Instead of winning a horse he gets a car
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| (9news.com) |
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"Kitten Protection Act of 2005" proposes 25% Tax on all Adult websites, more legal hoops for Webmasters
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| (OneMoreLevel) |
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Kiss productivity goodbye
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| (ACLU) |
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The 4th amendment is virtually useless thanks to the Patriot Act
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Man shot 5 times by Police in London wasn't linked to bombings after all
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Because robot vacuums aren't time saving enough, now they will even turn themselves on. Scientists believe robot vacuums will eventually find cure for cancer
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An Italian couple steal 50,000 euros from a woman after convincing her they were vampires who would impregnate her with the son of the Anti-Christ if she did not pay them
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Judge, annoyed with having to oversee traffic court for a day, decides to make the day move faster by simply declaring everybody not guilty
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| (insidebayarea.com) |
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Student leaders try to make college freshman orientation more like reality television, sans bug-eating
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| (Half a Centi-yard) |
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Photoshop theme: Selling the metric system to Americans. Or, for our foreign friends, sell the imperial measurments to the world
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| (GM Today) |
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Dumb: Soliciting sex from a prostitute: Dumber: You're a cop. Dumbest: So is she
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| (Some Guy) |
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Wal-Mart ends Friday evening "singles shopping" program. No plans to discontinue "Incest Wednesday" program
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| (Buffalo News) |
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Furious fast food restaurants and used car dealers kill ad campaign for GED program that mocks fast food workers and used car salesmen
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| (Some Guy) |
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Buffalo Sabres to be first pro sports team to offer variable ticket pricing based on quality of the opponent, night of the week
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| (Palm Beach Post) |
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Palm beach residents already complaining about sculpture of mythological figure. Specifically, her massive, pendulous breasts (with pic)
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| (insidebayarea.com) |
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Female video game programmer upset with degrading female stereotypes in games. When asked to comment, peer programmers respond with, "Who let her out of the kitchen?"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Lance Armstrong wins time trial in Tour de France, secures 7th consecutive overall win
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| (Some BrunelloBabe) |
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Reminder: Cincinnati Fark Party tonight at Kreimer's. LGT location.
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Difficulty: how to hide 17 bricks of heroin. Solution: hide it inside 17 bricks of cocaine (2nd story)
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| (Citizen's Voice) |
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Satanic items found at dead occultist's home include animal skulls, 2-foot sword, Jessica Simpson recording contract
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Albany firefighters practice by ripping into minivan...wrong minivan
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| (Arcata Eye) |
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"3:54 a.m. Maybe the alleged burglary attempt would have worked if the suspect hadn't been so very allegedly drunk."
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Casino says online gambling isn't actually online
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| (LA Daily News) |
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Prank caller orders $550 worth of pizza and BBQ, has it delivered to the local police station. Actual quote from police (who ate but didn't pay): "It's probably a good thing to verify large orders like this"
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| (WebIndia 123) |
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Elderly women say they'll never forget "naked butt"
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Artsy-Fartsy Avignon Festival too much even for the French: one critic describes it as "a triumphant sense of masturbatory autism." Jay Sherman liked it, however
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| (enquirer.com) |
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"Apparently, Lance Armstrong could finish dead last in the final Tour de France stage Sunday, behind an armadillo, a baguette and 1941, and he still would win the race"
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| (Some MegaBoom) |
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What to do if a nuclear attack is imminent. Well, besides void your bowels
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Photoshop what Fox News will look like after its MySpace makeover
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| (woai) |
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Congressional aide pretends to be his ex-girlfriend while online. Gets charged with identity theft by the Secret Service
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| (AC Press) |
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With nothing better to do, local paper tries to figure out who has been driving an orange car around town that looks like the "General Lee"
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Pennsylvania man sentenced to wear sign in public for animal abuse allowed to go home early when he gets abused by passing motorists
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| (Gamespot) |
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Scientology not included as one of the religions in Civilization IV
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Kevin Bacon fears that his dog wants tube steak
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| (Some Guy) |
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11-year-old faces jail time for groping old chicks after asking them for directions
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| (Thebostonchannel) |
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Bionic Knee Hits Market do..do..do..do..dooo
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| (Tucson) |
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Reminder: Tucson Fark Party, Saturday at Gentle Ben's at 7:30 p.m.
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Mt St Helen's is jiggling
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| (Some Geography Quiz) |
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Attention Americans: Prove your knowledge of European geography with this drag-and-drop game
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| (narniaweb.com) |
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Liam Neeson will voice Aslan
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| (MySanAntonio) |
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First navy "stealth" ship lives up to design -- it's too dangerous to take to sea. Navy Department of Irony high fives each other
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Photoshop: Other things that are not appropriate to wear at the White House. Link goes to inspiration
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| (Green Light City) |
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From the 0 for 100 submitter, a story about greenlights
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| (Some Guy) |
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A new species of snail-eating caterpillars has been found in Hawaii. In other news, the phrase "your caterpillar wants snails" has now made it to the Internet
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| (OceanCity.md) |
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Morning DJ charged for sexual assault in stunt that involved listener placing his testicles on woman's arm in order to win ZZ Top tickets
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| Fri July 22, 2005 |
| (al.com) |
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Woman thinks she has won Powerball lottery with the numbers 01, 02, 03, 04, 05 and 06. Sues after learning they were "test" numbers
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| (MosNews.com) |
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Stray home-made rocket kills bull and knocks out power in remote Russian village
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| (Sunderland Today) |
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Doctor surprised to find some of his elderly patients don't like his portayal of them as "wrinklies" and "crumbly, senile old gits"
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Todays "105 cats found in a home" story brought to you by Lorton, Va
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| (Duluth News Tribune) |
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Now appearing in a prison near you: Murderers, rapists and an 88-year-old man with a messy yard
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China buys defunct British automaker MG; plans to change name to MSG
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| (autoweek.com) |
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Storm chaser builds, basically, a tank to drive into tornadoes. With pic
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Due to readers' lame designs of the state quarter, Seattle Times links to Fark photoshop contest. Tastes like chicken
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Forty-two isn't an age... it's a state of mind... and the Pentagon's new drafting age limit
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Crime-predicting computer works in suburban New York, identifying women who will wear dark shoes after Labor Day
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| (Bloomberg) |
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In a momentous environmental victory, oil industry might have to pay $4 billion of the $12-billion mess it made
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Explosions reported in Egypt's Sharm El-Sheikh tourist region
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| (WSLS) |
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When you work in a gas station down the road from a rehab hospital, barefoot guys in open-backed gowns walking in and chugging beers because they're not ready to dry out yet is just part of the clientele
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Cashiers confuse CD barcode cover art for actual UPC code. Discountilarity ensues
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MPAA goes to Comic-Con, discovers pirates openly selling counterfeit DVD movies in an open stall. Jailarity ensues
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| (WGAL Channel) |
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Toilet-paper company takes corny idea, turns it into gold
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| (Gamespot) |
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Not to be outdone by GTA: SA, The Sims 2 now under fire. "They can remove 'The Blur' and it can become a pedophile's dream"
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New survey shows eight out of 10 French people think they're good looking
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| (Some Smarty Pants) |
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Breakdown of Iraq's bizarro-world constitution: USA will foot the bill for Iraq's socialist health care in an Islamic Republic
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King George III went insane because the treatment he received to alleviate his insanity made him more insane
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| (Some NHL Fan) |
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Official NHL draft discussion thread
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| (Somewhere) |
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Theme: Jehovah has run out his term limit. Photoshop political ads to elect a new god
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CDC study shows huge reduction in chemical levels in Americans' blood. Americans collectively reminisce about that wild party back in '95
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"Big Trouble in Little China" justifies the existence of every terrible martial arts film made
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American diver imitates Greg Louganis at World Swimming Championships, does reverse inward faceplant. Degree of difficulty: 2.8 (with painful pic)
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| (comcastsportsnet) |
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T.O. leaving Eagles to be Jesus-like elsewhere
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Magazine company discovers sure-fire way to sell out at the news stands: Offer a free sex session to all buyers
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Twins hauled into court after authorities can't figure out which one committed the crime
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| (WSBTV) |
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Man who scammed 18 restaurants by pretending to have a heart attack when it came time to pay the tab is released from jail. He's returning to the small town where he pulled his scams to "look for a restaurant job"
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Student headed to trial for taping "Girls Gone Wild: High School Parking Lot"
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| (eHam) |
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FCC proposes to drop Morse Code requirement entirely from ham radio
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Woman severs man's penis and allows dog to eat it. Your dog wants tube steak
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Russians immune to HIV due to mutant gene. Professor X not avaliable for comment
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| (Bristol Evening Post) |
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Thieves receive yellow/green shower when they handle something they shouldn't
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Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney rides subway in effort to reassure riders that mass transit is safe. Things get ugly when he doesn't know how much a token is, and then the crazy dead-cat lady didn't help either
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Hurricane Emily forces tourists to cram into shelter, and man to put his hand down shorts (with pic)
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| (The Daily Mirror) |
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Racing pigeon sent on a nine-hour flight home took nine days -- and even then needed lifts in a helicopter and courier's van to complete its trip
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You've heard of spaghetti westerns. Now they're making chicken tikka masala westerns (with video)
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Brazilian gang uses Google community site for drug trafficking. Users reportedly felt goooooooood
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| (Western Daily Press) |
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Police strip to attract doggers
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| (Charmaine Yoest) |
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John Roberts once played Peppermint Patty in his school play. No word on whether he got any hot Marcie-on-Patty action
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Don't bring your machete on NYC subway
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| (Computerworld) |
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"CEOs are faking it"
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In the bizzaro world of Congress, cows have watches and trick-or-treaters are looking for a tan. Who knew?
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Kimberly-Clark Corp., maker of Kleenex tissues, plans 6000 job cuts. On the bright side, fired employees will get a pack of Kleenex to wipe away their tears
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Courtney Love hospitalized after feeling faint. Doctors immediately ruled out malnutrition as a possible cause
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| (Essex Chronicle) |
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CCTV images of Thursday's London bombing suspects (with pics)
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| (Some Fantastic Mom) |
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Photoshop this parent teaching their child all about gravity
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The latest spam-fighting technique, Blue Security Inc.'s Blue Frog initiative, being criticized as no more than a denial-of-service attack
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Longhorn is now Vista. If you understand this headline, cripes, go outside
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Salt Lake City has found a new source of revenue -- growing marijuana in city flowerbeds
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Telemarketers to charge $1 to remove the dead from phone spam lists
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How does an 18-year-old pageant queen from Veedersburg, Indiana, achieve national attention?
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Prosecutors must return Wacko Jacko's adult magazines
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College students don't always get along with roommates. In other news, there must be no other news today
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British Muslim Council wastes no time in demanding to be told why man was shot on London tube train. Presumably told, "Well, duh"
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| (cricket4.com) |
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Ashes day two discussion thread
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| (QC Times) |
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Man arrested for selling bread as crack. Pookie unavailable for comment
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| (Some Smurfy Guy) |
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Today's Iron AudioEdit ingredient: The Smurfs
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Wanted by Friday: Female corpse, price $640. No questions asked
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| (Rense.com) |
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Virtual Street Art Reality
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| (US Soccer) |
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Sixth-ranked U.S. squad uses two goals in final minutes to defeat Honduras and move on to face Panama or Colombia in Gold Cup Final
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| (Alexandria Town Talk) |
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Don't trust your wife? No problem -- just nail all the windows shut, deadbolt the doors from the outside and cancel her cell phone service
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| (eastandard.net) |
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East African man offers 20 head of cattle and 40 goats to marry Chelsea Clinton
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Florida police on the hunt for The Naked Tickler
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| (Photoshop is as Photoshop does) |
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Forrest Gump's involvement in U.S. events from 1994 to present
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Dell screws North Carolina with awesome disappearing money trick
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| (Some Guy) |
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Guy creates 13-pound gummy bear (pic)
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Last of the unbreakable Comanche code talkers of WWII dies
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Moms no longer have to cut the crust off their basement-dwelling son's sandwiches: Bread company set to launch a crust-free bread
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Boston U. fires teacher for posting that one of his students was incredibly hot with a nice bod and to-die-for eyes
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Thirteen-year-old steals 2003 Mitsubishi Gallant and 2004 American baby
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Farker Hammy's cancer-striken sister still on life support, but docs say baby now has chance at life. "Cool" tag trumps "Followup" tag
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Spanish nurses get all mad when cosmetic firm makes them look like a bunch of nubile, stethoscope-wielding skanks
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| (Click2Houston) |
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Crossing guard, 79, wouldn't let school system's random drug tests cross his line
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| (Myrtle Beach Online) |
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Company sues to play no-money poker. Worf would still lose
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Skateboarder falls off her board and gets branded by manhole cover, sues Con Ed
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| (The Royal Gazette) |
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Ugly-ass flamingo baby born at Bermuda Zoo
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| (WLOX) |
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Establishing the "fish in a barrel" legal precedent, court rules Mississippi doesn't have to pay for lawyers for indigent defendants
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| Thu July 21, 2005 |
| (edinburgh news) |
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550 gerbils found living in a one-bedroom house in England. Charged with 550 counts of failure to pay TV license fee
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| (Some Astronomer) |
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Two hundred-meter-thick ice lake found in Martian crater. NASA planning to equip future astronauts with optional ice-skating equipment
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Gaggle of hookers busted on Daytona Beach (with top five mug pics)
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| (RootNux) |
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Fourteen things you really should have done before getting married
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| (WCBS880) |
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Woman steals $1,000,000 from her employer... $10 at a time
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| (Monsters and Critics) |
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Megadeth's Dave Mustaine refuses to perform alongside "Satanic" bands on concert bills
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Leave it to Google to show up Wall Street investors as a bunch of idiots: Quadrupled Q2 profits met with 11-percent drop in share price
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| (Some Long Lost Wreckage) |
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Crashed military aircraft sites in Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada and Southern California from WWII through the Cold War
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| (CNet) |
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The top 10 web fads of all time
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| (It's what's for Dinner) |
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The 20 hamburgers you must eat before you die. Not surprisingly, McDonald's and Burger King not on the list. NSF vegetarians
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Drunk teen made to replant flowers and sweep up dirt spilled during drunken plant-tipping spree
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| (WRAL) |
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Mobile home a total loss after bratwurst grease fire. Cliche writers everywhere go home early
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Medical licensing body says it will penalize any doctor who puts in implants won in club contest
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| (WXYZ-TV) |
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If you're a complete moron with change for a 10 living in Michigan, be on the lookout for the Tan Pants Scammer
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| (Popular Science) |
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Giant space mirror proposed to combat global warming. Mr. Burns unavailable for comment
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| (Irish Examiner) |
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Ireland surrenders to U.S. rule
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| (News 14 Charlotte) |
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Today's story of 137 dachsunds under one roof brought to you by Wilmington, NC
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| (Billings Gazette) |
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"Round them up and send them to the gas chambers," says the City of Denver to pitbulls
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Fifteen-year-old boy wins landmark challenge to legality of child curfew zones
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Squatters occupying campsite demand $1500 consultancy fees to meet land owners
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U.S. decision to drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki was meant to kick-start the Cold War rather than end the Second World War
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Police raid 166 homes and nab 310 419 scammers -- more details and numbers in article
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| (The Times Union) |
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Tractor trailer containing $1 million in Xerox machines stolen. Police fear copycat crimes
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| (&1) |
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Photoshop this Prague square
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In Sverdlovsk Region, people vote for Harry Potter
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| (Cape Cod Times) |
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Teens charged as adults with making bomb threat to shut down Nantucket ferry service. In other news, federal prison is not where you want to become acquainted with the man from Nantucket
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Students invent new air conditioner deemed impossible by GM 40 years ago. Still no cure for cancer
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Border officials watch some poor shlebs dig a tunnel for eight months, arrest them as soon as they have finished
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| (FemaleFirst.co.uk) |
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Jessica Alba tells of her hot wet lesbian French kiss... with a monkey
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| (Some Guy) |
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If WWII took place in a chat room...
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Sixteen-year-old boy now in the process of changing his pants after erroneous worldwide terrorism alert with his photo goes out labeling him the London bomber
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Ohio man busted for snorting gold spray paint, mug shot proves his guilt. The Smoking Gun is there
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| (Some One-Hit Wonders) |
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What musician or group are you embarrassed to admit you like. C'mon... you know you've got one...
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Criminals steal three wagons loaded with toilet paper, supply wiped out
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"If you have left your dog in a car we will get the police to smash the window and free the dog"
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Cape Town will soon have walking parking meters that come to the driver when they park, ticket Sarah Connor for double-parking
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Taxpayers taking it in the can due to dildo art
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| (Boston Herald) |
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Man blocks street, refuses to let police go to an emergency call until they ticket two illegally parked cars. He'd get a "Dumbass" tag if it hadn't kinda worked
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| (Some Dude) |
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If you're too ugly to get laid, you should at least get a free education
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| (National Geographic) |
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Genetic makeup of British has changed little since Ice Age
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| (&1) |
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Photoshop this brooding statue. Difficulty: No Sith
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July 21 is National Diddling Day in Japan, thanks to a quirk in the language
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Naked sunbathers fined for using public beach (with scary pic)
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| (Orlando Sentinel) |
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NASA announces next Discovery delay will occur Tuesday before 10:39 a.m.
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"(Space shuttle) managers have been talking about drawing up an exception to the rule, to allow for the failure of one sensor before launch"
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Kentucky quite confused about smoking
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| (Contact Music) |
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"Wedding Crasher" actress who plays nymphomaniac is constantly approached by real-life nymphomaniac women; wants men to "beware" they're out there, so, you know, beware
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Microphones that monitor Nuclear Test Ban Treaty compliance picked up eerie sounds of Earth ripping apart during last December's earthquake and tsunami
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London on alert again as Underground lines and stations are closed following reports of explosions and smoke
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Zoo bringing in another bull elephant in hopes that a little competition will inspire the current resident into getting frisky with his mate
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China unpegs its currency from U.S. dollar
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British police to drop trousers to patrol nude beach at Studland, Dorset
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"The fundamental nature of American childhood has changed in a single generation"
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Ashes first test first day discussion thread
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you decide to rob a grocery store while wearing a Fort Worth PD t-shirt, make sure the police chief isn't shopping for milk and eggs
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this window cat
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Remember when Pat Buchanan suggested building a giant fence on the U.S.-Mexico border? Well, it's starting to happen
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| (Some Guy) |
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Iowa man led officers on highway chase that ended at courthouse, ran inside and tried to barricade himself in the courtroom where he was scheduled to appear
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| (Farktography) |
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Theme of Farktography Contest No. 11: Show of emotion. Link goes to NEXT week's theme. PLEASE read first post.
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| (Boston Herald) |
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Boat captain brings 1191-pound shark to "monster shark derby," is disqualified for being six minutes late (pics, pics and more pics)
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| (MetroWest Daily News) |
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Enjoy the war from the air-conditioned comfort of your own ... body armor? Personal cooling vest being shipped to soldiers in Iraq
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Military decides a microwave ray gun is good idea for riot control. Farmers want them to keep it away from their cornfields
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Eight-year-old champion swimmer barred from six-inch-deep kiddie ride at Busch Gardens because she has no legs
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Telemarketing firms petition FCC to create loopholes in "Do Not Call" list
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| Wed July 20, 2005 |
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Conversational English phrases learned in North Korea includes "Raise your hands" and "Don't move or I will shoot"
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| (Some Physicist) |
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Man stands up 10-ton slab without the use of power tools or extra terrestrials
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| (GrandRapids.com) |
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Man fights town for his right to have a toilet garden
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| (Some Guy) |
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Hey, stargazers -- the moon reaches a perigee late tonite, and she looks absolutely gorgeous. Take a minute to go look. Fark will still be here in five minutes
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FTC nails seven companies for sending massive mounts of illegal spam. Your inbox rejoices
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you must touch yourself inappropriately in the back of your van, it's a good idea to close the door first
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| (Western News) |
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Club owner defends his contest in which the winner got a spanking new pair of breast implants. "The entire women's movement is based on a woman's right to choose what happens to her body"
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Disneyworld to confirm ticket ownership through biometrics, won't do anything else with fingerprints. Wink wink, nudge nudge
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| (Daily Press) |
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Update on Farker Hammy's comatose sister and her unborn baby -- past the critical stage now
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| (Some Farking Couple) |
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Welcome to beautiful Ass Blooper, California. Find your city's anagram here
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| (Some Impressed Guy) |
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After getting a Saturn plant and thinking differently, town decides to eliminate property tax
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| (SF Chronicle) |
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California death-row inmate dies from drug overdose. On the bright side, he won't be getting glaucoma any time soon, and he saved taxpayers millions
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this pole vaulter
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New Supreme Court pick's son breaks out into dance during Bush's announcement (w/pic)
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| (cbsnewyork) |
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First-time caller, long-time dumbass: Man brags about robbing bank on radio call-in show. Jailarity ensues
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America grieves as Madonna vows to spend her remaining days in her true home, England
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" discussion thread (spoilers allowed)
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Original cast of TV's "Roseanne" reunite to film promo, devour entire buffet
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Turns out that it is junk-food advertising that's making your kids big fatties, and not the widely-blamed "Shoveling It Into Your Gaping Maw" syndrome
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| (nola.com) |
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Legislature appropriates grant money to corporation without realizing it doesn't exist. Clever constituent forms corporation of that exact name, demands payment
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ESRB upgrades "GTA: San Andreas" from Mature to Adults Only. Rockstar Games said to be devastated by second boost of publicity for game, itself
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CBS announces new miniseries based on the life of Pope John Paul II, expect to see "John Paul: Lust for Glory" later this fall
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| (Buffalo News) |
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After lengthy negotiations, threats of a hold-out and posturing on both sides, NFL agent Drew Rosenhaus agrees to save kid from drowning
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Rather than speed up ATM transactions, Japanese bank adds slot machine game to kill time
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| (NBC13.com) |
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Axe-wielding man shows up in Alabama Church. Oddly enough, he's drunk
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Fire captain uses fire truck to water lawn; gets hosed by town officials
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Next Earl of Essex could be retired grocery clerk from California. King Ralph rejoices
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| (Palm Beach Post) |
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Tyra "Lightbulb Head" Banks wants to be the next Oprah. A hotter, dumber Oprah
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| (WRAL) |
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NC pastor arrested for peeping with a camera strapped to a metal detector. Forgets that, when clam hunting, you need a clam rake and bucket
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| (Shropshire Star) |
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Charges against driver of speed-camera van caught speeding dropped after irony levels in court exceed British occupational safety limits
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Broadband Internet access over cable TV lines could be 50 times faster next year
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Supreme Court nominee is controversial, but one thing is certain: He will not stand for 12-year-old evildoers eating French Fries on the subway
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Sex makes people healthy, cheerful, strong, beautiful and sleepy
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| (WPVI) |
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New Mexico government tell state officials to watch out for reporters' "jedi mind tricks." Also warns "that's no moon" and "it's a trap"
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Man hangs out at Detroit courthouse, pretending to be undercover Sheriff's detective while fleecing reporters and jurors out of $20
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Volvo seeks permission for drivers to drink and drive
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During a heat wave, when warnings about power consumption abound, women respond to cranked air conditioning in offices by running space heaters
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Homeless couple has sex on top of JFK. Explained that they were seeking the "top of the world" (with mugshots)
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| (Leicester Mercury) |
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Engelbert Humperdinck's dog goes missing. Dog heard crying "Please re-leash me"
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Still no launch of the space shuttle as baffled engineers try to determine why the doohickey isn't shtortling properly with the whangathang gauge. Will be pressure-testing the rear main thingamajigs and replace all the whatchamacallits
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Police allow woman to go home after she was stopped for grocery shopping in the nude because she explained that she had lost a "spin the bottle" contest
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As time goes on, the line between normal films and porn is beginning to blur. Could be something icky on the lens
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| (Danni.com) |
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Jana Cat. Boobs aren't real, but maybe that's okay this time (NSFW -- sponsored link)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop where this inadvisable stunt is going
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The moon landing was faked 36 years ago today
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Motorist struck by UFO. Police on the lookout for joyriding aliens
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He's dead Jim. James Doohan dies at age 85, beams up for the last time
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U.S. men's soccer team ranked No. 6 in the world, ahead of England and France. Duke sucks
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Teen warned he's close to contempt of court, responds with, "Well you all are getting real close to pissin' me off." Jailarity ensues
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Man -- living under an assumed name for 34 years -- arrested for murder when applying for Social Security benefits with his real number
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| (Rochester D&C) |
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Kodak posts Q2 loss. Ten thousand additional employees to get the boot "for the good of the company." CEO: "Stay focused on the positive"
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| (nbc30.com) |
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Octopus learns how to open lids (video)
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U.S. to extend Daylight Saving Time by two months. Canada reluctant to follow, thinks extra hours of sunlight will damage crops
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In preseason NFL action, the Tennessee Titans are currently leading the league with five players who have appeared in court this year
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| (Some Grrrrrr ROOWwwrrr) |
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And now for something completely different: A dog that hates its own leg
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Old woman sold crack from purse lowered by rope from second-floor window
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| (Some Guy) |
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Cincinnati Fark Party. Link goes to map. DIT
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| (Some puffed up chest) |
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Photoshop this golfer
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Advertising agencies out of ideas: Create first ever live billboard in NYC
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Arizona town approves $12,000, air-conditioned pigeon coop for Mike Tyson
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Chinese military build-up is a serious threat to world stability in general, U.S. world domination in particular
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| (Some Guy) |
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Anyone up for some strawberries and milk? (Not safe for work)
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| (ZWire) |
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In Oconomowoc, don't call the police if you see two drunken men driving around firing guns out their car window. You've just found the police
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| (The Morning News) |
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Straight-A student not allowed to play basketball because his hair touches ears, collar. (Condemning pic included)
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"By night's end the boyfriend tried to calm her down, and she smacked him in the face, and was kissing on girls and dry humping some old man on his lap who she left with, but not without help from her attorney, who had to hold her up"
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A wild Tommy Thompson is to be tagged and let free to roam in his natural habitat
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| Tue July 19, 2005 |
| (Some Guy) |
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Suicidal pyromaniac squirrels attacking Canada
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| (Billings Gazette) |
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Dimwit who plotted to kidnap David Letterman's son had record-breaking mule deer antlers. Only one catch -- records aren't kept for illegally poached deer
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| (WGRZ) |
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This "couple living with swarm of 117 shaggy dogs" story brought to you by Chautauqua, NY
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Golden Tee video golf has huge fan following, many of whom play with friends while drinking alcohol. Also, Pole Position II totally kicks ass
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| (Some Guy) |
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The daily kitten
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| (WNEM.com) |
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Proof that people will take anything as fact: People in Midland, Michigan, scramble to the pumps on price hike fears due to Walmart gas at $3.03. Fail to notice that the gas station is under construction
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| (Cinescape) |
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Hollywood is out of ideas: 3D CGI Smurf trilogy to be smurfed in 2008
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this dragonfly
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| (WorldnetDaily) |
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Regarding "controversy" about being in movie with lots of nudity, Sen. John McCain tells Leno, "In Washington, I work with boobs every day." From the audience, Clinton yells, "Tell it brother. Represent!"
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Eighty garden gnomes found wrapped in plastic, surrounded by kids
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Judge John Roberts nominated by Bush to replace O'Connor
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| (Central Chronicle) |
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Caption these straining women (voting enbled)
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| (WBIR) |
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Couple takes a couple of drunken laps around race track. Overturns pickup, then escapes on vintage farm tractor
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Man caught peeping in an outhouse tank claims he was looking for his wedding ring
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Angry mob firebombs the headquarters of a religious cult that worships a giant teapot
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| (BoingBoing) |
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Man beats traffic ticket using Google Maps, unsecured Wi-fi connection and his laptop
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London considers banning word "failure" in classrooms, instead using the term "deferred success." Edumakation sirendurs
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Feisty bull ravages construction crew vehicles, might have been horny
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| (Macon Telegraph) |
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Teen, already due in juvenile court, steals money from a blind man working a snack bar at the courthouse
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Dogs remain the best bomb-detectors. No word yet on their abilities to detect chili cookoffs from long range
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Website compiles list of most dog-friendly cities in North America. Bear-friendly list still dominated by San Francisco, Key West
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International rivalry erupts over baked calorie bomb named after Russian-born ballerina
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| (Some Ornithologist) |
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Wild birds starting to mimic ringtones
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Troupe plans to perform Shakespeare in an authentic Elizabethan accent, described as "a mix of West Country English, Irish, Scottish, American and Australian," making it incomprehensible to practically everyone
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Inventor of Swanson TV Dinners dies at 83. To be buried in compartmentalized aluminum coffin
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Scientists shed new light on how we differentiate sweetness and bitterness, although study was plagued by lack of female volunteers
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Oxford University professor uses calculus to prove Jesus was resurrected
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FHM's hottest babes-next-door battle it out, NCAA bracket-style (maybe NSFW, no idea)
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| (Lancaster Online) |
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Naked teen found alive after three days in 150-degree railroad hazmat tanker. Refuses to tell cops how he got in there
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Colin Farrell sues uber-hot woman to stop her from distributing their sex tape; continues trying to show his peener to everyone in the world on an individual basis
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| (Blabbermouth) |
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Four thousand GNR fans set record for air guitaring. More impressively, there are still 4000 GNR fans
|
| (the hollywood news) |
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Drew Barrymore would like to become a movie director after her boobs start sagging, which is exactly how Michael Moore got into directing
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"This is your captain speaking. We will be cruising at 30,000 feet. Passengers on the left of the plane have a view of the Hollywood sign, and passengers on the right have a view of the flying cobras from my nightmares"
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One-year-old has identity stolen. Again. Your dog doesn't remember charging that
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Wall Street analysts angry that Costco treats its employees like human beings
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Traffic fatalities on the rise in British localities with speed cameras
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Not content with the global war on terror, Ft. Lauderdale focuses on the real danger: Teeter-totters, swings and sandboxes
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During lifetime, average British woman spends $54,000 on shoes, $54 on dentistry
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| (Political Gateway) |
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Company offering new service that will allow users to beam their blogs into space, thereby boring not only everyone on Earth, but extraterrestrials as well
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| (News.com) |
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Ah, the American Dream... Earn $1000 per fired employee. Apply at HP today
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The playboy and the flapper "Blondie" celebrates 75 years in newspapers, 65 years of not being funny
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California Supreme Court bans casting couch. In other news, governor expected to resign
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Bush to announce Supreme Court nominee tonight. Judge Wapner giddy with excitement
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Mmmmmm... grilled cheese...
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| (News4Jax.com) |
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Boy bangs friend's mother, brags to wrong person. Conjugal visits ensue (with "hot" MILF pic)
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| (nydailynews) |
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Stockholders pay for booze, bikini-clad women, waiters on jet skis and the Heidi Fleiss of dwarfdom
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To prevent heart ailments, India's Supreme Court bans loud music and parties between 10:00 p.m. and 6:00 a.m.
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Insurance rates in privately run Ontario almost double those in British Columbia, where insurance industry has government oversight
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| (thestate) |
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Fist-pumping spectator punches Tour de France rider in face
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| (Western Daily Press) |
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Brits plan to pay kids not to cause trouble. Kids say threats of wedgies and nipple twists clinched the deal
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In light of recent failures, NASA needs a PR facelift. Photoshop what it would be like if the king of public entertainment, NASCAR, bought-out NASA
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| (The Day) |
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Fruit to get tattoos, likely won't know that the Kanji characters really mean "Rectangular Elephant"
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Recently jailed rapper Lil' Kim suing trial witness James "Lil' Cease" Lloyd for improperly using her name in DVD entitled, "The Chronicles of Junior M.A.F.I.A. Part II: Reloaded." Amazingly, none of this is a joke
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San Diego's new mayor and a city councilman convicted of taking non-cash bribes to repeal "no-touching" law for strip clubs
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New scandal erupting at White House. Does it involve A) Karl Rove? B) The war in Iraq? Or C) A women's lacrosse team wearing flip flops?
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Restaurant owner makes habit of feeding neighbor's dog cheeseburgers and milkshakes, eventually adopts dog. Your dog is jealous
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| (Danbury News-Times) |
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Asbestos trailers do not make good playground activity centers
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| (NY Daily News) |
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Nine out of 10 New Yorkers now stock emergency supplies in their homes in case of a terror attack or other disaster
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| (Local10) |
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Congressman says he was just being figurative when he suggested bombing Mecca
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| (USPS) |
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The U.S. Postal Service's guidelines for shipping a hippo
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| (Some Boobless Guy) |
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Eighty-seven percent of traffic stops in one North Carolina county ended in citations being written. In related news, 13 percent of residents of one North Carolina county are blonde with large boobs
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Nine-year-old girl becomes Microsoft certified professional. Memorial tombstone to America's technology industry about to be planted next to the manufacturing memorial
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| (NY Daily News) |
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New Yorkers no longer to enter Penn Station like moles scurrying through a dark tunnel
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Starting next month, minimum payments on most credit cards are going to double
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| (Some Guy) |
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Steven Segal set to release debut album. The martial-arts master culls from a wide swath of musical influences, including blues, rock, pop, Jamaican dancehall and traditional Indian music, to create a piece of crap that is uniquely his (second item)
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| (Prototype A-334X) |
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Photoshop this digging machine
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Two house repair companies install 44 ventilation fans in elderly man's home
|
| (Some Genius) |
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Man invents machine whose sole purpose is to turn itself off after a human turns it on (video clip, photos)
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| (San Bernardino Sun) |
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California school district considers teaching classes in Ebonics so that children will not have to learn that pesky English
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| (NewsWatch50.com) |
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Bank being sued for allowing people to cash checks while drunk
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Man gets ripped off by vending machine, proceeds to next logical step by grabbing ice pick, flattening car tire of total stranger
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