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| Sun June 05, 2005 |
| (Some Guy) |
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Very nice looking lady named Caroline, combined with a cameraperson who tilts the camera for no apparent reason. not safe for work
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| (WRCB-Chattanooga) |
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Applebees refuses to serve you alcohol because you're drunk, do you: A) Accept the restaurant's policy, B) Politely ask that the bartender call you a cab, or C) Throw a temper-tantrum and pull the fire alarm on the way out the door
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Mars Rover on the move again after finally getting out of sand trap with two-stroke penalty
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Theme: Fark, The Theme Park
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Flunking sophomore who was missing, then not missing, then presumed dead, now actually not dead and working at Sam's Club in Kentucky. At least it's not Smyrna
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UK planning to put black boxes on cars that transmit locations for a "per mile" tax
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| (Daily Southtown) |
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Apparently unaware of the internet, man starts campaign to have local liquor stores stop carrying nudie magazines. "I feel this is a dangerous situation and police need to take action on it"
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| (Pittsburgh Live) |
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Two policemen and suspect fire off at least 103 rounds during shootout. Total number of injuries: 0
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Swedish museum dedicated to fermented herring opens. Verdict: it stinks
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| (FortWayne.com) |
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Governor's bill-signing ceremony at evangelical church is how we do things here in Texas
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| (Daily Southtown) |
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Neighbors dismayed after city drains their 9-acre wetland. City didn't mean to, it just happened after their contractor cleaned out a blocked culvert
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| (Contactmusic.com) |
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Paris Hilton is finding it difficult to choose between two engagement rings, so she has decided to wear them both, Farkers still waiting for honeymoon video, expected to be best seller
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Photoshop Johnny Damon all messed up in center field
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| (boortz.com) |
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Dear Sgt. Richardson: After our 6th grade class has sent you letters for months while you were bravely fighting for our country, we're deeply sorry that our principal is so horrible that she will not allow you to come in and thank us personally
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| (Some Guy) |
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High taxes on cigarettes touted as being the new kick-the-habit route to follow.
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| (Anchorage Daily News) |
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Woman claims someone was trying to kill her by making meth in her oven
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Finding toads with bananas passes as a wake up call these days
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| (Deep Throat) |
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Photoshop W. Mark Felt's other secret identities
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Japanese policemen investigate whether 24,000 sharp metal shards stuck in guardrails might have been deliberately placed there
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Man comes to drunk-driving court hearing with .23 BAC, doubling the .10 he scored when arrested for drunk driving
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Inmate attempts to satisfy his urge to smoke dope and take care of munchies at the same time by smuggling marijuana in a sammich
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17-year-old angry with parents over argument, turns them in for theft
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| Sat June 04, 2005 |
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Queer eye for the fruit fly
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| (Fergus Falls Daily Journal) |
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Small Minnesota town tries to stop MTV from re-enacting prank involving Christmas ornaments in sexually suggestive positions. Victim: "This was never, ever supposed to be brought up again"
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| (Some Sketch) |
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Today is the 32nd anniversary of nothing happening to Ralph Mellish
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"Driving by women leads to evil. Can you imagine what would happen if her car broke down? She would have to seek help from men"
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Nursery school internet commandoes
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George Steinbrenner is pissed and Joe Torre and Brian Cashman better do something about it right now
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| (threme) |
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A candy bar, a falling star and a reading from Dr. Seuss
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| (Argus Leader) |
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Lightning roasts 13,000 turkeys in South Dakota. Dinner is served
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Penn Jillette names baby daughter Moxie CrimeFighter. Teller speechless
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| (Moneyplans) |
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Man wants to sell his penis due to financial troubles, says he doesn't really need it anymore and knows someone who does
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Two drunks crash car on Dead Man's Curve; successfully avoid charges by bamboozling police with story about a friend named Homer who ran into the woods after the accident
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| (Herald Sun) |
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Kitten enjoys training potential guide dogs to ignore cats (with strangely amusing pic)
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| (11alive.com) |
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City truck called to investigate a sinkhole falls into sinkhole (with pic)
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| (WABC-Channel 7) |
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New York baggage handler learns the hard way you shouldn't nap in a plane's cargo bin when he wakes up in Detroit
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Russian city invaded by squirrels
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'Mr. Whippy', the ice cream man fails to make a single sale after weaving down the road before passing out drunk at the wheel
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| (ExtremeTech.com) |
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Star Wars nerd wins case-modding competition with his TIE fighter mod (with pic)
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| (Some Guy) |
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How a gauss rifle works (with pics)
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| (The State.com) |
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Tips for sidewalk dining in Charleston, SC include no Rebel yells, don't feed the cockroaches
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Journalists dismayed that their shoddy reporting techniques and political bias have caused a credibility crisis in journalism
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| (icBirmingham) |
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Dumb: Door-to-door salesmen selling 'We don't buy from the doorstep' signs. Dumber: People are buying them
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Man complains of headache after hammering nail into his head
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Relationship guru says that women are easy to seduce if one simply uses reverse psychology on them. Identifies the seven types of women and the approach for each
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Passengers sue airline for rough landing. Accountants calculating cost-effectiveness of just letting the damn thing crash next time
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| (WKRC) |
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Israeli army unveils a new crowd-dispersal device emitting painful bursts of sound at a special frequency. In other news Gilbert Gottfried announces middle east tour
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| (WFMY News) |
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Wachovia Bank apologizes for slaves they didn't own at a time they didn't exist
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Photoshop this advancing lava flow
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Sheriff wants seperate hurricane shelter for sex offenders, suggests unused circus tent
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| (Syfyportal.com) |
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Jake Sisko to release "Star Trek" themed rap CD
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| (Baltimore Channel) |
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Today's "naked man chases jogger" story brought to you by Ellicott City, Maryland
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Orlando airport allows passengers to buy $80 annual pass that will guarantee no random security pat-down. What could possibly go wrong?
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Buyer pays $525,000 for stamp, plans to mail one big-ass letter
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War of the Worlds screening cancelled due to piracy fears. Wishing it was Tom Cruise's career instead
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Poachers decide to steal sheep, grab the biggest one they can find in the group. Realize after leaving that real sheep don't bark
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Apple Mac switches to Intel, in other news hell freezes over
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| (starbulletin.com) |
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Elderly man mistakes emergency exit for bathroom door. Hilarity ensues
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| (WSLS) |
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Little Caesar's new method of increasing appetite for pizza fails
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| (The Times union) |
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Career criminal has his cremated remains sent to cop who busted him numerous times
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| (Some Guy) |
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What kind of columnist plagarizes when writing about his mother's death by cancer? This guy
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| (Some Guy) |
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Soldiers must look out for the cow with a 105mm shell inserted in its anus. Oh yeah, and insurgents too
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| (news-press) |
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Florida resident finds out the hard way that having to leave $15,000 on an alter for 9 days was a scam
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| (LA Times) |
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Raise a glass today to Lt. Cdr. McClusky and his men, who changed the course of WW2 -- barely -- at Midway
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| (The State.com) |
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If you're a sheriff's deputy, it's not a good idea to shoot the sheriff's dog while he is on vacation
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| (Some Guy) |
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50 teenagers decide that given the choice between Saturday detention and donating blood, donating blood is the preferable option
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| (Some Guy) |
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Theme: Create applications for the Farkersoft Office Suite
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| (Rome News Tribune) |
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Bobby Brown has been stuck in a tree ever since his arrest warrant
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| (E & P) |
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Newspapers (sort of like websites but printed on paper) decide to label subliminal ads (sort of like popups but less visible) as "advertisements"
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Man arrested for questioning a police horses' sexuality
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Previously unknown Edvard Munch painting found. Enjoy it now before it gets stolen and destroyed
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NASA engineers get tired of stuck rovers, begin construction on airplane that will cruise the skies of Mars (with cool animation)
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Restaurant serves food in toilets, thereby eliminating the middleman. Taco Bell execs seen taking notes
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Family breaks out of jail ...goes to last place anyone would look for them...a family reunion
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| Fri June 03, 2005 |
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News that's two years too late: Laptops more popular than desktops. Stay tuned for "Broadband faster than dial-up"
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New ad for testicular cancer features half-naked model who suggests men grab their stuff
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Shocking: Kentucky Catholic church to pay out $120 Million in sex abuse settlements. More shocking: there are Catholics in Kentucky
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| (WNBC.com) |
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Stolen bling bling turns up in rapper Jadakiss' video
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| (Modern Drunkard) |
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Jack Daniel's lowers its proof. Still tastes like burnt ass
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| (Egotastic) |
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Trump's latest wife had her own portfolio before their marriage (not safe for work)
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The "Are you 18" Question doesn't seem to be enough to keep minors out of porn sites
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| (Some Senator) |
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"The Supreme Court shall not have jurisdiction [over matters concerning] acknowledgment of God as the sovereign source of law, liberty, or government"
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| (Daily News) |
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NYC public phones now offering free calling to anyone. In other news, residents are increasingly beleaguered by untraceable prank callers
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It's a two-stroke penalty if you hit the moose on the third hole at the Walla Walla golf course
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| (Some snake) |
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Photoshop this girl and a snaaaake, a snaaaake, oh it's a snaaake
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| (Mail and Guardian) |
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Fresh off recommending the ban of pointy knives, British doctors want to do away with Bibles in hospitals because they're a health risk
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| (LancasterOnline.com) |
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NAACP boycott of South Carolina having so little impact, many people don't know it's still going on
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Space proves it's usefulness as 125 northern lakes disappear. "From what we can tell from space, a lake is either just fine or it's gone"
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| (thestate.com) |
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Son dies of heart attack while trying to revive dad dying of a heart attack. "Ironic" tag trumps "Strange"
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you receive an email saying that bin Laden has been captured, don't click on it unless you really like viruses on your computer
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San Francisco welcomes home its endangered snake, only to find it eats endangered frogs
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Unlike the penis of a small child, Michael Jackson's fate is not in his hands
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This week's Bad News Friday release from the Bush administration: Payroll growth smallest in nearly two years
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You may laugh at his name -- Mr. Dikshit -- but the computer software he wrote made him $2 billion
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| (WGAL Channel) |
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Police find crack in baby's diaper. Rectum? Damn near killed 'im
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Ahhh, summer. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the giant stinky ass flower is blooming
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Brooke Shields invites Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to her musical: "I've left him two tickets -- one adult, one child." (Scroll down for story)
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Now that Deep Throat has been unmasked, the world turns to the other great mystery of our time: Who the hell was Carly Simon singing about in "You're So Vain"?
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Good news for the depressed: You won't live very long
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If convicted of bribery, TN Senator Cruchfield could face a life of making only $62,000 a year for doing nothing
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| (WMTV) |
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Britney Spears says preggers sex with Cletus is "crazy good." Got that half right
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Engineers at the controls of Opportunity say they now know what it would be like to drive around Detroit in winter with a Mars rover
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Lost Dumbass novel hits French bookshelves
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| (Female First) |
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Woman begins cleaning son's fish tank. Since you are reading this on Fark, you can probably guess that it didn't contain cute little goldfish
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| (Some Guy) |
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Dave Chappelle is back. Resurfaces at L.A. comedy club and performs a surprise 25-minute set, and promptly vanishes again
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| (Daily Spartan) |
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Steve Spurrier doesn't think Duke sucks. In fact, he votes them into the football preseason Top 25 every year. Duke sucks
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Chair-tossing Ranger's pitcher may become salad-tossing prison catcher
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| (ClickOnSA.com) |
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Angry bees coordinate attacks on lawnmower-wielding people in different parts of city; plan to take up car bombing next
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| (Some Stressed Student) |
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Subway strands stamp savers, says sandwich stealers stripping sales. Students stressed
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Boobies publisher wins mammoth battle to bring uncensored sex to Norway's citizens (possibly NSFW)
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Dads often use intensity to make up for their day-long absence. And nothing says "intensity" like a leather belt
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Burger King to sell chicken fries. "For me, they're like M&Ms," Burger King CEO says
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Toxic chemicals that poisoned your great grandparents may be harmful to you, as well. No word on dangerous effects of jazz music, horseless carriage
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Police, alerted to potential kidnapping, pull over car and find out that the man in the trunk was a sex slave and wanted to be there
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Theme: Car dealership ads for a new generation. Due today
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| (Tucson) |
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Ma, I stole this here earthmover, only knocked out power to 1300 people, and the cops have the audacity to shoot me
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| (Daily Telegraph) |
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In today's issue of Duh Magazine: Investigators say aircraft that ploughed into mountain was flying lower than it should have been
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Marathon sets course one mile too long. Hilarity ensues
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April showers bring May flowers which bring June wildfires
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President Bush gets rare praise from North Korea after referring to Kim Jong-Il has Mr
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Teenage hottie from Alabama goes missing during vacation in Aruba. Naturally, this story is of the upmost national importance and must include people dropping everything they're currently doing and begin searching for her in Alaska
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| (FemaleFirst) |
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Tommy Lee spotted in London spreading the love, hepatitis
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Local news team discovers alien life with help of Prophet Yaweh
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Research shows that bad odors cause bad driving, thus explaining why NYC cab rides are so harrowing
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| (NY Daily News) |
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Jethro from TV's Beverly Hillbillies fixin' to bust a gut over movie "Cinderella Man" and how all y'all badmouthin' his pappy
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Woman, 81, rescued after spending six days trapped in her bathtub. She was in overall good condition despite being a little drained
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120 beached whales rescued in Australia. When the sunbathing fat women were removed from the roster, turns out the real number was closer to 74
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Truckloads of asphalt stolen from City of Chicago. Police looking for concrete evidence
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Wolfowitz tries to soften his image as he becomes World Bank president. First steps to include changing name to Puggle and inserting big, brown contact lenses
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Rush guitarist files suit against Ritz-Carlton over altercation, claims his freewill was abused because he's in the limelight. He went on to say the lawsuit was not about the big money, but rather justice which is closer to the heart
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| (Gunner Milligan, I Presume...) |
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Photoshop this reason not to tailgate a field artillery gun
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| (Journal Now) |
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To hell with budget deficits and death-penalty moratoriums, we gotta pick us a state cat
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| (WSJ) |
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Sales of brown hair color accelerate while blond appeal fades
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Which games console is better? The one with boobies in its games, of course
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| (Radar Magazine) |
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Girls Gone Wild creator being extorted by burglars who stole tape of him in severely compromising position (2nd story)
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Sherriff wants separate hurricane shelters for sex offenders, so law-abiding citizens can be protected from all manner of sucking and blowing
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Fifty years after death, James Dean still remains symbol of rebellious misunderstood youth, maker of quality sausage products
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Ex-nun in trouble after pulling a .45 on concertgoers who tried to stiff her $10 for parking
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Mike Tyson: "My whole life has been a waste"
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"This is your captain speaking. We are cruising at 30,000 feet, and we are being diverted to Canada because I accidentally turned on the hijacking signal. If you look out the windows to your left, you will see a fighter jet"
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| (DCGlassWorks) |
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D.C. Area Farkers, FREE BEER and Live Music, 3:00 p.m. on Saturday, June 4th at a Farker's glass-blowing studio's open house. Link goes to directions. DIT
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The CDC, which stated that obesity was a health risk, then wasn't a health risk, now is an official health risk again. "What we don't want is for this debate to continue to confuse people"
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| (WNBC) |
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French Air Force pilot runs into trouble in NJ when his credit card is declined when trying to pay to have his fighter jet refulled
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Arsenal found in elderly couple's home. Man United unavailable for comment
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| (GIS) |
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Theme: Inappropriate childrens' commercials
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| (WLTX Columbia) |
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It's hard enough to be a motorcyclist without having to watch out for speedboats
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Police unveil plan to jail "habitual drunks." Henry Earl planning to hide at the nearest bar
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| (T&L Enterprises, Ltd.) |
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D.C. beer-tasting and Fark party -- The Brickskeller Brew Pub -- Friday, June 10, 6:30 p.m.
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| (Bradenton.com) |
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Man thinks he's having a heart attack, rushes to hospital, hits fence, light pole and hospital sign along the way. Turns out he was just drunk off his ass
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Mike Tyson -- pigeons' rights activist
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Woman's ultrasound scan reveals face of Jesus in her womb. Officials say they can safely rule out salt stains (photo)
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Rare nickel sells for $4 million -- "the investment of a lifetime," Ohio officials say
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Germany hosting cell-phone throwing championship
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| (Some Guy) |
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You may have heard some OnStar testimonials. Now you get to make a funny one
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| (Some No-Frills TimeWaster) |
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Drive the vehicle around the track with your cursor keys and don't hit anything. Doesn't get much easier than that
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| Thu June 02, 2005 |
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St. Pete Times interviews Drew, talks about upcoming Tampa Fark party
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| (GIS) |
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Illustrate some commonly misheard lyrics
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| (newsnet5.com) |
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Brain scans of those in love nearly identical to those with mental illness
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| (WJLA) |
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Having solved all other crimes, Maryland police turn to night-vision goggles to catch people without seatbelts on
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Canadian hospital tells dying man in hospital parking lot to call 911, wait for ambulance
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| (zap2it.com) |
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Former NBA star and current weirdo Dennis Rodman expected to run off with some other man's 17-year-old wife in July
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Zoo officials claim that the fame of the red panda, who stands on two hind legs, has made him too tired for booty calls
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| (KWQC) |
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If you donated the cremated remains of Homer Oglesby to an Illinois Salvation Army, there are some people there who'd like to speak with you
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| (Farktography) |
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Farktography Contest No. 4 Theme: Seen better days. Post pictures you've taken and include voting. No GIS please. Link goes to next week's contest theme
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Finally, we can answer that old story problem: "If an eight-year-old leaves home at midnight, and drives 20 miles on a Go-Kart down busy highways, what time will police call his parents to say they've picked him up?"
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| (tsn.ca) |
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Just as the robin is the surest sign of spring, Jamal Lewis' release from prison means that NFL training camps are just around the corner
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Apple offers $50 credit for faulty iPod batteries that cost $99
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Zimbabwe Airlines sends one lone passenger in a Boeing 737 for 3,728 miles. Stewardess forgets to refill coffee the entire flight
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Goddamn Dutch village bans blasphemy
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| (enquirer.com) |
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Woman has 35 stolen lawn ornaments placed on her lawn, but puts them near the curb so that the rightful owners would take them back. A good idea on any day -- except trash day
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Halle Berry will pose for Playboy as soon as nobody is interested (a few stories down)
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Population in the field, multiplied by the failure rate, then multiplied by the average settlement cost. A+B+C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, then you can keep your defective heart defibrillator implant
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Gallagher fan claims entertainer hit him during show, knocking enough sense into him to leave and demand a refund
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| (LancasterOnline.com) |
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"Welcome to New Jersey. A horrible place to do business" reads billboard near the Delaware Memorial Bridge. In other news, there's someone who thinks we didn't already know
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Turns out it's not obscene jury awards and frivolous lawsuits: Your doctor's insurance company raised its rates because they're making less money from their investments. Who'd a thunk it?
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Ted Turner says CNN should cover international news and environment, not "pervert of the day"
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Saudis outraged at proposal to let women drive. "Driving by women leads to evil," a man wrote in a letter to the editor. "Can you imagine what it will be like if her car broke down? She would have to seek help from men"
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NBA legend George Mikan, the reason there's a goaltending rule, dies at 80
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| (NY Daily News) |
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Rumsfeld says he doesn't know how foreign suicide bombers slip into Iraq, whether they're from our good friends in Saudia Arabia, when troops will be able to go home, what a quagmire is. However, he did save money on auto insurance today
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Wives of Putin and Bush admit that they don't understand their husbands' jokes; have souls
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| (Soo Today) |
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Photoshop a use for this rusting thing
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ABC Denver Channel 7 decides to use hidden camera for expose on Fox 31 troubleshooter Tom Martino. Turns out Tom had a hidden camera watching them. In other news, local TV news now completely pointless
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| (The Iowa Channel) |
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Man claiming to be firefighter knocks on woman's door, sprays her with fire extinguisher and begins chucking her belongings out the window. This story makes a lot more sense if you change "firefighter" to "lunatic"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Results are in for the 2005 Toothpaste for Dinner photo contest
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It's perfectly healthy to eat foods that are up to 25 percent sugar, says a scientist working for the Sugar Institute of Canada
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| (SportsPickle.com) |
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Spelling Bee finalist eliminated on the word "girlfriend"
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| (nfl.com) |
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Scouting notes on Jerry Rice from the 1985 draft
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| (Duluth Superior) |
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Court frustrated that it can't give $617,000 to the man it belongs to. Evidence shows man is alive, but refuses to claim the money
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NBC is in last place in the ratings, behind ABC, CBS and Fox. A couple more versions of "Law and Order" coming right up
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Leslie Smith, co-founder of Matchbox toy cars, dies age 87. Will be buried in a small yellow cardboard box
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| (Palm Beach Post) |
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Woman tells officer that it's illegal for him to use his radar gun to judge her speed. Officer puts her in her place by tasing her... twice...
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| (The Register) |
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FBI says mobile-phone ban on commercial airplanes will protect us from terrorists, because we all know al-Qaeda obeys laws
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Reuters reporter amazed by optical mouse
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| (Deseret News) |
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Young girl with a prosthetic leg very good at soccer and ballet. Mom says the two activities keep her busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest
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Female senator wants to put end to women's suffrage. Voting enabled (men only)
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Amnesty defends "gulag" charge, cites putting detainees in "stress positions" for hours, getting prisoners naked, expecting them to outwit, outplay, outlast all of the others to become the "ultimate" terror suspect
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Lawn-mower men come together to share obsession -- the wife can't park in the garage, but at least the grass is cut
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Man who was declared dead by drowning, then declared alive by insurance fraud, now declared federal prisoner for five years
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Israel frees 400 Palestinian prisoners. Prisoners say they're so overwhelmed with joy they feel like they're ready to explode
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Archaeologists discover 100 bottles of 50-year-old beer, decide to rebury most of it
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| (The Omaha Channel) |
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Nebraska's motorcycle helmet law is dead for the year, just like you'll be if you fall off your motorcycle without a helmet
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| (Billboard) |
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Bobby Brown issued his monthly arrest warrant
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| (post-gazette.com) |
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Man lights cigarette on portable toilet in methane plant, shocked to find diarrhea isn't the only exploding thing in the bathroom
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| (Local10) |
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Fortunately for right-handers, the new web address for porn sites will end in "xxx"
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Baby-faced pope doll debuts in Germany. If successful, angry BDSM pope doll to be released later this year
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Day-cares increasingly making five-year-olds sign contracts agreeing that they will get along with peers, follow adult directions and sit still or be expelled. Parents hoping their own workplaces don't get wind of these
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Tomorrow is Free Doughnut Day at Krispy Kreme. Confused Star Wars fans seen lining up at wrong eatery and refusing to leave
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Words of Wisdom: When faced with overwhelming DNA evidence, always remember to use the "my identical twin brother did it" defense
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| (&1) |
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Photoshop this span
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High school senior prank involving dozens of live chickens dressed in red vests and capes has run afowl of the law
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After declaring victory in their war on Disney, the American Family Association turns its guns on Ford. Peeing Calvin unavailable for comment
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| (Post Star) |
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Man, attempting to steal gasoline, uses a lighter to check on the progress. Hilarity ensues
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| (The Times Union) |
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New York State to spend $428,000 to learn how to keep coyotes from eating children, dropping anvils off cliffs
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| (Some Guy) |
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Double-leg amputee sets new world record in 200 meter dash
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Liverpool players manage to damage Champions League Trophy within one night of winning it. Plan to display it on a pile of bricks
|
| (You Need To Be Here) |
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Oh Lordy... Moby is the headliner for the Second Annual 4th of July Chicago Fark Party. Otherwise known as Taste of Chicago but hey
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Hundreds of cases involving breath-alcohol tests tossed because test's manufacturer will not disclose how the machines work
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Authors bring back famed detective after 75-year hiatus. No shiat, Sherlock
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| (The Austrailian) |
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Thirteen killed, more than 500 injured during annual kite-flying festival
|
| (PhysOrg) |
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Mobile Doppler on wheels will be chasing tornadoes across the Great Plains this summer, can transmit images of flying cows every 10 seconds
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| (WCAX) |
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High school principal considers senior-prank mural painting so beautiful, it's being left permanently
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Second Annual San Diego Comic-Con Fark Party, July 16th
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| (ZWire) |
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Man sues casino that banned him after he won too much at blackjack
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Mental-health officials see increase of "storm stress syndrome" this hurricane season. In other news, non-stop media coverage predicts this could be the worst year ever
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Armed robber can't stop giggling in court
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 |
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First Martian meteor seen by rovers
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| (Boston Herald) |
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Queer Eye cast members to throw out first pitch at Fenway in June. Johnny Damon and Carson Kressley to settle, once and for all, who throws more like a girl
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Serial impersonator -- who's served jail time for playing a cop, a paramedic, a firefighter and a mortician -- busted again, this time for trying to be an appliance repairman
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The "Don't pee in gallon milk jugs, then toss them out your car window because roadside mower operators wind up wearing it" comes round the bend again (with photo of lots of pee)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this man walking past a youthful advertisement
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| (1010wins.com) |
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High school students playing a game called "Assassin" have to be told it could be dangerous. Mainstream media has apparently never heard of this decades-old game
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Student designs furniture meant to be broken down and used as boxes when needed (with pic)
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| (TechRepublic) |
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Windows Longhorn will have a RSOD: Red Screen of Death
|
| Wed June 01, 2005 |
| |
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Caption these startled, ugly-ass baby lemurs and their mother
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| (Female First) |
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Eva Longoria bombarded with hundreds of vibrators after she discloses how much she enjoys them
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Huge swarm of bees appear after mayor announces "The Secret Life of Bees" as the city's upcoming reading project
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Six-year-old racehorse named Rain, Hail or Shine hit by lightning
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Drug dealer busted with £300,000 worth of marijuana, claims that he got the £63,000 in cash from playing poker
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| (Tuttle Times) |
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If you're drinking beer bongs with your wife, don't get into an argument about her gambling habits, unless you're confident your pickup truck can float. With pictorial proof
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 |
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If you are born today, live well and eat your vegetables, your life expectancy is 80 years. Life expectancy to be enforced by Comet Catalina, which is due to arrive Monday, June 11, 2085
|
| (Some Guy) |
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No more free magazines for Northwest passengers. Instead, the pilot will purchase one magazine that the stewardess will read out loud to everyone
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| (Some Guy) |
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Gamers must pay real taxes on sales of virtual property in Second Life, The Sims, Ultima Online, etc.
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| (KSDK) |
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78th Annual National Spelling Bee looks to coranate... corunate... crown winner
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KFC commerfcial receiphs cmplainths abouth pheple talkingh wif their mouths full
|
| (Physorg.com) |
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NEC succeeds in world's fastest continuous quantum cryptography key generation over fortnight period. Whatever the hell that means
|
| (Universe Today) |
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Quasars turn out to be weirder than anyone thought. Here comes the scince
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Elderly patients needing heart surgery were kicked out of their beds in order to make an entire hospital wing available for Kylie Minogue during her cancer treatment
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| (WKOW TV) |
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Resident doesn't like marathoners peeing on his lawn
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Rambo coming out of retirement. Kids standing on lawns are the disease, and he's the cure
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| (phonemag.com) |
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Men outpace women on cell-phone usage per month -- 571 minutes vs 424 for women. In other news, women spend 424 minutes a month driving
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Medical marijuana creates $1.1 million surplus for the state of Oregon; legislators celebrate with Funyuns and marathon session of GTA
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Rod Stewart to be father again at 60. In other news, someone keeps sleeping with Rod Stewart
|
| (WFMY News) |
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Business owner plans to lay smack down on hurricanes this season by hitting it with Dyn-O-Gel, a chemical version of a gigantic sheet of Bounty
|
| (Click2Houston) |
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Although effective, a 12-gauge shotgun is not necessarily the best tool for exterminating wasps
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| (Stretch) |
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Theme: You know it's time to move when...
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| (Law.com) |
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Demands from pro-se litigants: "I'm becoming a woman and need more closet space in my cell," "Please perform my legal pleadings as country songs" and "Don't show my subliminal image in the Kentucky Derby"
|
| (TFer Lileks) |
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"(The UN is) the busybody aunt who spends Thanksgiving making everyone feel guilty they don't care about endangered Tibetan yaks"
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 |
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Rich people build on registered landslide area. Landslide occurs. Taxpayers to get wallets out
|
| (Winnipeg Sun) |
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Lawyer wakes up to find the man robbing his house is a client
|
| (Contact Music) |
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Victoria Beckham releasing new songs under an assumed name, so fans don't prejudge them. Problem is, the name is Skeletor McHugeJugs
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 |
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Some of that $12 million missing in the Ohio Coingate scandal purchased Beanie Babies, Ted Williams's bats and a pile of Bush memoribilia. Your red state wants NASCAR merchandise
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Study claims kids can be trained to eat better. Also claims kids can learn to go to bed on time, do homework and love parent's Duran Duran and Richard Marx CD collections
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| (11Alive) |
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Mother upset when son claims he licked teacher's toe in exchange for candy. It also doesn't help that the teacher signed son's yearbook, "Good luck next year. Don't lick anyone else's toes"
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| (ePolitix) |
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Dutch voters teabag the EU
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Man has fight with his wife over money, ends arguments by setting fire to $670,000 on the front lawn. No word on how they plan to solve child custody issues
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Britian's No. 1 threat to way of life is: A) Terrorism? B) Worsening economy? C) Teenagers wearing hooded sweatshirts?
|
| (NBA.Com) |
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Stuff you'd never expect to find on the NBA website: Urkel says that Manu Ginobli looks like Balki from "Perfect Strangers"
|
| (Sierra Times) |
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The favorite meal of radical Islamic terrorist masterminds everywhere is macaroni and cheese
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| (NBC11) |
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49ers' training video shows topless women, gay weddings and strip clubs. Then the tape gets really freaky
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Sean Combs gets $3 million for hawking acne cream with Jessica Simpson
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Lohan escapes car crash caused by photographer. Still too skinny
|
| (nbc6.net) |
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♫ An old man, just over seventy-eight ♪ He won the lottery, and died the next day ♫
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Surprisingly, former Nixon aides pissed at Felt. Probably has something to do with federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison
|
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Giving people a whiff of a key chemical can make them more inclined to part with their cash. In other news, U.S. government introduces a new cologne, "Eau du Military Funding"
|
| (WATE) |
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Greatest job in the world: City pays "private investigator" $100 per hour to visit strip clubs and buy lap dances with taxpayers' money
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New York TV station stops airing "Eat at Your Own Risk" series of reports on dirty restaurants after being cited for having rats and roaches in cafeteria
|
| (Express and Star) |
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"He came at me with this needle the size of a milk bottle and plunged it in my testicles"
|
| (MassLive.com) |
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Your thought: "If the fire department had to rescue him from a bridge abutment, maybe kayaking isn't his sport." His thought: "That was wicked awesome. I'm going to do it again this weekend"
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| |
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Yahoo sex chat rooms have high-profile companies yanking ads, users yanking selves
|
| (Observer) |
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Neil Armstrong threatens to sue barber who sold his clipped hair for $3,000. His lawyers claim it's a lock
|
| (Stretch) |
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Theme: Fun with rope
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 |
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Dutch suspected to vote "no" to EU constitution because they fear losing hookers and drugs
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Fox announces locations of "American Idol 5" auditions: Chicago, Atlanta, Boston and Paula Abdul's bedroom
|
 |
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Pluto the Poodle gaining popularity for ability to stand on hind legs and walk for over half-mile (photo)
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| |
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Al Qaeda's No. 3 man, earlier reduced to copy boy, has been upgraded to No. 3 again and is being shipped to the U.S. -- or maybe not
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| |
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Naked Zorro still not caught. Police baffled, considering asking for help from naked Batman
|
| (WSLS) |
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In retrospect, there should have been a lot more steps between 1) borrow forklift, and 2) steal ATM
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Poor, stressed-out prison inmates will be treated to reflexology, aromatherapy, Indian head massage, reiki and shiatsu
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| |
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Cows look on in immeasurable apathy as F-1 English tornado makes leaves move a little faster (photos)
|
| (Some Guy) |
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How to give up coffee
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| |
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Lawmaker want to find out if slave labor was used in the construction of U.S. Capitol building
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Today's "house infested with 20,000 bees" story brought to you by Tulsa, OK
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| |
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Experimental supercomputer is able to reconfigure its hardware in order to tackle a specific software problem. Unfortunately, still not immune to spilled beer
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Rosebud
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| |
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Top 10 ways to destroy the Earth
|
| (Some Guy) |
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For the baby boom crowd: Remember these foods?
|
| (expressindia.com) |
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Drunk cop dishes out 10-minute, profanity-laced tirade to dispatcher while entire police force listens
|
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Lawmaker wants to lower drinking age for soldiers to 19
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| |
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True romance, indeed: Christian Slater arresting for gleaming the wrong woman's cube
|
| (smokedot.org) |
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Man arrested for using hemp as fishing bait. Your bass wants chronic
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| |
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Not rain, not snow, not missing the NHL season will stop the Canadian posties from delivering mail, but if the doorstep is higher than 10 centmeters (3.937 inches), you can forget it
|
| Tue May 31, 2005 |
| (Gillette News Record) |
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If you're the guy purchasing tanning sessions in Gillette, WY, then leaving tanning booth in your underwear and peeing in the bathroom medicine cabinet, the cops want a word with you
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| |
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The Body Cuff: New tool for use in those situations where nobody wants to touch the naked guy
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Three men charged with DUI after getting pulled over one-by-one, within four hours, in same vehicle
|
| (Live Science) |
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Mexican volcano blows its load (with pic)
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| |
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Privately built Falcon 1 rocket roars on the pad
|
| (Monterey Herald) |
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Fifty rival gangmembers spend their holiday weekend at lakeside campground. What could possibly go wrong?
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| |
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Japan's Kanagawa prefecture bans GTA3 sales to children under 18
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these avian "King of the Hill" wannabes
|
| (Krispy Kreme) |
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Celebrate Doughnut Day at your local Krispy Kreme.
|
| (Daily Yomiuri On-Line) |
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Three people attacked by sickle-wielding man. Police seeking gaunt figure in long, black-hooded cloak
|
| (WHIO Dayton) |
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Police notice driver when she hits a curb with her car. Really take notice when they realize she's naked
|
| (Moscow News) |
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Apartment residents solve problem of neighbor's noisy late night party with grenade
|
| (Human Events) |
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"Ten Most Harmful Books of the 19th and 20th Centuries." Burning them would be so 1650
|
| (nasa.gov) |
|
Earth and Mars to have close encounter in October 2005. The invasion begins shortly thereafter
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Elementary school bans milk
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After the pointless knife, British safety campaigners now bring you bendy traffic signs
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Dog gets roasted after bolt of lightning enters house through chimney
|
| (Newsweek) |
|
Conan O'Brien sees the future of television, and it involves random wolf attacks and abacus porn
|
| (Zaire Mail & Guardian) |
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Bad news: Your Germanic Bronze Age warlord just died. Worse news: You and your family and friends are going to be killed and buried with him. Slightly good news: You'll be stylin'
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| |
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Family a bit quick in trying to bury grandma. That must have been some inheritance
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Scientists create machine that prints out bacteria
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Judges lack enough balls to order chemical castration
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Pakistani rioters fail to understand that "The Colonel" is not actually affiliated with the U.S. military, nor is his restaurant a base of operations
|
| (Mirror.co.uk) |
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Mother says she finally has proof that her daughter was killed by an alarm clock
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 |
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X-E visits a horror-movie convention, shares a hotel room with Freddy Krueger, lives to tell about it
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Grass species not seen since 1912 rediscovered. Rastafarians rejoice
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Bakeshop employee receives death threats for selling bread made in rival soccer team's hometown
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Fan jumps on stage to dance with Snoop Dogg during concert. Hizzilarity ensues
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Judge sentencing minor drug offenders to church, not jail
|
| |
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Flying surfboard attacks motorist on I-95
|
| (Some Guy) |
|
The McCain myth
|
| (WXIA) |
|
Copycat crane climber, claiming the CIA wanted to put him in a flying saucer, coaxed down from crane with coffee, cigarettes and doughnuts
|
| |
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Bush may be eligible for impeachment...
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these cool frozen leaves
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| |
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Former No. 2 man at FBI revealed as Deep Throat
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| |
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Buddhist monks gone wild
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| |
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For the first time since the sacking of Washington D.C. during the War of 1812, Canadians have something to be proud of
|
| (Local10) |
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School district fines parents $100 if students are late or skip. "Bueller? Bueller?"
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| |
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India to investigate claims that army official sold country's battle plan against Pakistan to fund wife's hobby of canning fruit, vegetables
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| |
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Professional soccer star in trouble with police again -- this time for playing the extremely unfunny prank of knocking on people's doors at 2:00 a.m. and dousing them with a fire extinguisher when they answered
|
| |
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Belfast Zoo searching for angst-ridden teenage monkey who ran away after argument with his dad
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 |
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Working trebuchet will throw a 300-pound projectile nearly 1000 feet
|
| (Yomiuri Shimbun) |
|
Chinese attack submarine is on fire after incident with another unknown nuclear submarine not far from where the U.S. spy plane was taken a while back
|
| (fftimes.com) |
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Bear storms out of bushes and attacks man. Man opens can of martial-arts whoopass on grizzly bear, lives to tell about it
|
| (Some Guy) |
|
I hope that someone gets my / I hope that someone gets my / message in a bottle...
|
| (Hungry Limo) |
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Photoshop this limousine -- the ceiling looks like it is trying to eat the passengers
|
| |
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Man, last seen getting into sheriff deputy's car, goes missing. Same thing happens with same deputy three months later. Coincidence?
|
| (Courier Post) |
|
Car wash, owned by a Philadelphia Eagle, doesn't do good business because it has Redskins color scheme
|
| (WAVY) |
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UVA study shows that "cool" kids more likely to get drink, smoke pot and steal. Go ahead, click on the link, everybody else is doing it
|
| |
|
Artificial insemination has the potential to rebuild rare species of Mexican gray wolves, take care of unpleasant chores black wolves are unwilling to do
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| |
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Scientists work to develop "SwarmOS" to allow robots to work in groups. Resistance is futile
|
| (tea) |
|
Gallery of images created using The Persistence Of Vision Raytracer, or "POV-Ray"
|
| (Maison Neuve) |
|
How Weird Al saved my life
|
| Mon May 30, 2005 |
| |
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There has to be a better way to get your guests to leave than to set your house on fire
|
| |
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Lindbergh reveals his 33-hour solo flight to Europe was in fact, just a booty call
|
| |
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Brits break bones chasing cheese
|
| (Some Guy) |
|
Woman awarded $10,000,000 over coworker's stinky perfume
|
| (Some Guy) |
|
Photoshop theme: Rejected toy tie-in campaigns
|
 |
|
Happy Senorial Day
|
| (Some Wharton Student) |
|
Next time someone tries to tell you something about what will happen to your social security... Show them the real numbers..
|
| |
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Octagenarian couple on the lam and running from the law after losing their drivers licenses. Last seen driving 36 in a 55
|
| |
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Outsourced Indian call centers experience 70 percent turnover due to abusive customers
|
| |
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Surgeon known as "Dr. E. coli" was so bad, nurses saved patients' lives by hiding them from him in the hospital
|
 |
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US Military sending rocks with tiny sensors to war. In related news, masses of Hortas seen fleeing for Canada
|
 |
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Nike designs shoes for barefoot runners
|
| (Gulf News (UAE)) |
|
Radar picks up naked man at high speed, one exposed breast, and several one-fingered salutes. Welcome to Dubai
|
| |
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The Russians are rewriting their history books to feature a kinder, gentler text
|
| |
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Astronaut Buzz Aldrin takes on greater challenge than moon landing: get American kids to find math, science and engineering interesting
|
| (Hindustan Times) |
|
Woman resolves conflict with neighbor by A) ignoring her, B) sitting down and talking with her about it, C) calling police, or D) gathering a mob, dragging her from her house, stripping her naked and tying her to a pillar
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