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These links may be stale and generate errors. Can't do much about it. Tastes like chicken.
NEW To Fark? Find Out HOW TO FARKX
| Sun May 22, 2005 |
| (Some Sith Guy) |
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Photoshop lightsabers into images of world events to "special editionize" them. Link goes to simple tutorial
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They were willing to give up sex but drew the line at ham
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Quebec scientist invents camera lens that promises to revolutionize up-skirt photography
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| (The Australian) |
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Scientist predicts entire contents of human brain could be downloaded to a supercomputer by 2050. Paris Hilton's could be done today using a Commodore 64
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| (WSB Radio) |
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Man uses church money to buy internet porn. Litigation, damnation to ensue
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Hoping to appeal to drunks who are carrying their laptops at 3am, Krystal's rolls out Wi-FI to all locations
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| (Some Guy) |
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For one week only, you too can come to Delaware and hunt deer with your favorite handgun.
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Middle East could face water shortage, US agrees to provide them with water for $3 per gallon
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| (Some Guy) |
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Time Warner wants to get rid of AOL, soon to be called AWOL
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Plan to ban photography in NYC subways abandoned
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This just in: Jail is not fun even if you are a dictator or one of his henchmen
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| (klastv) |
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Man whose finger was used in Wendy's chili scam not too happy to see reporters
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today's photoshop: A greeting card for your mistress or adulterous spouse/parent
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To avoid hurting French feelings, the opposing forces at a re-enactment of the Battle of Trafalgar will be referred to as "blue" and "red." Admiral Nelson spins on his column...
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Pic of F-cupped 11-year-old in bikini reported to ease anti-Japan tension in China
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10% of Japanese students in practice teaching programs report sexual harassment by other teachers, students, principals
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North Korea confirms direct contact with US, say Washington has agreed not to attack. No word yet from other 49 states
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Scientists using X-rays to uncover writings by Archimedes hidden after priest wrote over them, the last recorded time priests ever caused trouble for anyone
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Photoshop this old-timey baseball player showing a woman how to swing his bat
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| (Some Guy) |
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Profundity - Intellectual depth brought to you by sappy, power ballads
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| (The Star) |
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In the search for why boys are underachieving in school, it was only a matter of time before somebody blamed it on their testicles
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| (Daywin) |
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Tampa Fark Party reminder. Only two weeks left to make arrangements for the party. DIT. See you there on the fourth of June
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President Bush baffled by less than warm welcome at fundamentalist christian college
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Tell me what you want, what you really, really want. The Spice Girls are back
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| (The Enid News & Eagle) |
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This week is the U.S. Postal Service's Dog Bite Prevention Week
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this low-budget cooking show
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| Sat May 21, 2005 |
| (Tacoma News Tribune) |
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New $2 million lottery winner hopes to buy "one of those long-handled brushes to clean out the toilet"
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| (Ireland Online) |
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Chris Rock says he found it difficult concentrating during the remake of "The Longest Yard" because Burt Reynolds couldn't keep his hands off his ass
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| (Rochester D and C) |
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Girl who threw perfect game in little league gives up 15 hits in her next start for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays
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Six on-duty firefighters remain sound asleep as burglar makes off with their big red truck
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| (Blogging.la) |
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Nerds who waited in line for Episode III in front of wrong theater in L.A. start to protest, call mom crying, when the movie doesn't open
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| (ksdk.com) |
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Dog owner fears his pet won't go to heaven if the city neuters it
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Japan now has its first publicly funded monkey suspension bridge
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Boulder, CO police yank pot from mall grounds. "This is so funny. This is hilarious. This is so Boulder"
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Workers suspended after viewing octopus porn. The Sun is there
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Lara Croft loses gravity-defying chest
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Afleet Alex wins Preakness
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| (Some Guy) |
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Last minute reminder: Philly suburbs Fark Party tonight at 8:00 at the Sly Fox in Phoenixville
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Man argues that a "For Sale" sign is constitutionally protected free speech
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Muggers flee empty-handed when their fake gun shatters after hitting the victim with it
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| (Some Dude) |
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REMINDER: NC Fark Party, Tonite at AleHouse in Durham. LGT GIS party
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| (Some Guy) |
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Fark merit badges
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Jeb Bush vetoes bill that would make road hogs get out of the way
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| (NY Daily News) |
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After ruling out cancer and AIDS, Brit soccer star's mystery ailment turns out to be allergic reaction to tattoos
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Study reveals 90 million women are wearing wrong size bra. Men suggest simple removal of all bras to solve worldwide crisis (and future fumblings)
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| (MaineToday.com) |
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Police remove sqatter and his Chinese goose
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Parents surprised when the video rented for their son ends in porn. Boy surprised that Shark Tale ended in bukkake scene
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| (Some Guy) |
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Mary Kay Letourneau, rape victim so happy together
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Arsenal defeats Manchester United Buccaneers on penalties to win FA Cup
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| (SPTImes) |
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Coach says wind sprints and bong hits build champions. Local law enforcement disagrees
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| (Sympatico) |
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Britney throws up in pool from morning sickness. Barf to appear on eBay with Jesus' face on it, be purchased by Golden Palace
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| (Irish Examiner) |
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Hoax bomb alerts are causing premature evacuation at sex shops
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| (NY Daily News) |
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Kindergarten in NYC: A time to learn the alphabet, how to tie your shoes and how to pack heat
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Jury indicts man for terrorizing midgets
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| (Some Thread) |
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Theme: DIT
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News investigation buys furry animal figurines at gift shops and sends them for DNA analysis. Hilarity ensues (with video report)
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Every German's nightmare: EU proposes 100-kph speed limit
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Once is not enough: The Sun trots out more Saddam snapshots including his "hot or not" entry
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| (Some Texan) |
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Austin, Texas, Fark Party -- Saturday, May 28th, 6:00 p.m. at Cedar Door Downtown. Come out... y'all
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| (Herald-Mail) |
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Man indicted for breaking into elderly couple's home, destroying phone with hatchet, forcing one victim to play piano so he could sing along, shooting himself in the leg (second indictment down)
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"The claw chooses who will go and who will stay"
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Monk confesses to burning down Fukuoka temple. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh, Fukuoka
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Your phrase to remember if travelling through North Dakota this year: "Damn, those are tasty sentinel chickens"
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| (Some Fukui-san) |
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Photoshop the ultimate Iron Chef showdown. Link goes to inspiration
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| (Concord Monitor) |
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Man takes a dump on a piece of paper and tries to auction it at Christie's for a $45K starting bid. Amazingly, no one bought it
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Aptly named "Phantom" console will not appear, nor will its game titles "Ripoff Tournament" or "Fraudulent City"
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| Fri May 20, 2005 |
| (Forbes) |
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Sometimes they write themselves: "Was ear disorder's link to pregnancy a Nazi plot?"
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Fans not amused with Ozzy's decision to add Jada Pinkett Smith to Ozzfest line-up
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Chief Justice Rehnquist has another degree -- and what presumably is his first connection to rocker Alice Cooper
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Female police officer who appeared naked in a sex video resigns, less than two months after she was re-hired from being fired in the first place
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Firefighters mistake teen's newly purchased car as junk car to be used for "jaws of life" practice session. Hilarity ensues
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| (KOB) |
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"Hello OnStar, my toddler is locked in my car and I have a half million dollars worth of marijuana that I am hauling"
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Woolly socks helped Romans conquer England. Celts' hairy backs were just no match
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Drew on Free Talk Live atm, link goes there
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In an amazing twist, researchers tout positive effects of video games. Here comes the science
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The orange beats out the entire population of Florida for the title of official state fruit
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| (9News) |
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ルークは、あなたの母戦闘用ブーツを身に着けている
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Man who voiced Fred Flinstone is yabba-dabba-dead at the age of 85
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| (Myrtle Beach Online) |
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Police chief of Topsail Beach, NC will not arrest topless sunbathers
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News in Detroit -- Reporter: "No answers today, Mr. Mayor?" Mayor: "Quit buying prostitutes. Fat ass." Ed 209 unavailable for comment
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Vegetarians make veggie porn video to prove they're not sissies
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Red panda attracts zoo fans with his amazing Chewbacca impression
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Just in time for summer, Six Flags is now sex-offender free
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Photoshop this guy and his PS3
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David Beckham says he wants to "go to the moon" when he retires
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| (Raw Story) |
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Democrat senator questions why Pentagon's proposed military base closings will have red states gaining upwards of 11,000 jobs while blue states will lose 24,000 jobs. Pentagon denies outside influence. "Obvious" tag trumps "Interesting
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Japanese officials in hot pursuit of rogue monkey roaming the streets of Tokyo
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| (WCAX) |
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Judge who told woman to close her legs and stop having babies may have acted inappropriately
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| (Powerline) |
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Al-Jazeera refuses to show the pictures of Saddam in his underwear because it is "demeaning to Iraqis." Showing video of a journalist getting his head cut off is just fine apparently
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Police embarrassed after discovering their drug-sniffing dogs are really good at finding talcum powder
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| (Metrowest Daily News) |
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Town considering requiring youth soccer players to wear helmets and banning headers
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VideoEdit contest: Act out a Fark flamewar. Submissions due today
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Saddam to sue over pictures of him in his tighty whities
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| (Female First) |
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Scientist claims he hasn't eaten anything for four years and gets his nourishment from the sun
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Human PacMan hits the streets
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| (PalmBeachPost) |
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Dolphins and Eagles cheerleaders gather on the beach to play volleyball and tug-of-war, kill kittens (SFW)
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Apple recalls 128,000 iBook and PowerBook batteries. Units may unexpectedly upgrade FireWire to wireless version, known as Fire
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| (Boston Herald) |
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Hamid Karzai wants to throw tomorrow's first pitch at Fenway
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Reggie Miller retires. Sam Cassell is the only alien remaining in NBA
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| (PC World) |
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Japanese figure out how to get 100GB of data on to a DVD
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| (Raleigh N&O) |
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North Carolina woman charged with assault after mooning her daughter's assistant principal
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Man steals car, wrecks it, then tries to make his getaway by running down an electrified subway rail. Don't worry officers, Darwin will take it from here
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| (Philly Farkers) |
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Fark Party, Saturday at 8:00 p.m. at Sly Fox Brewery in Phoenixville, PA. Don't forget your smiles
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| (KSBW 8) |
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U.S. not happy after British tabloid posts pics of Saddam in his tighty whities (with pic)
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News reporter who accidentally swore on live goddamned TV has been fired from his f*cking job
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Fried worms do "not taste like chicken"
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| (Daytona Beach News-Journal) |
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National Weather Service is warning about the "tropics-wide multi-decadal signal." And a bad signal it is
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Tailgate drinking is illegal for Milwaukee Brewers fans
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Lawyer says his client's political views are unfairly barring him from becoming a U.S. airport screener. His political views are that he supports Osama
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As Freud said, sometimes a cigar is only a cigar, but when it's 45 feet long, sometimes somebody's got issues
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Photoshop this entrance to the NBC building in Burbank
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Fark's favorite stormchaser gets his photo on MSNBC's "This Week in Pictures" slideshow (pic No. 4)
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| (Gazette.com) |
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School will not allow girl to display her artwork on campus, because the nude subject is another girl at the school. "We're not going to hang pictures of our students nude"
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| (I hope they die & burn in hell) |
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Samuel L Jackson dies in 90 percent of the movies that he's in. EW rates the top 10 SLJ deaths in movies (bloody pics)
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Bush may use his first veto to smite bill expanding stem-cell research
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Congress meddling with your free weather services
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Even Clinton thinks his book was too damned long. Your dog will wait for the movie (bow chika bow bow)
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| (Some Guy) |
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This guy really hates dimes
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| (TheForce.Net) |
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Geeks nearly riot in Kentucky theatre after problems with projector showing "Revenge of the Sith" (spoilers)
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| (LGN) |
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Theme: An annoying interlude
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| (Gizmag) |
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Screw the Batmobile. Introducing the new Fulda Maybach Exelero
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Saudis limit UN nuclear inspections. Where is the outrage?
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| (theinquirer.net) |
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New technology uses liquid metal to cool video cards, hunt for John Connor
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| (Newark Advocate) |
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Discipline should be left up to parents
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| (RealTechNews.com) |
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Why the new "contactless" credit cards are a nightmare
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Man wears prison uniform to club, walks past prison official. Hilarity unfurls
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| (Some Gungan) |
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Meesa need your help / write Star Wars haiku, you must/ you're my only hope
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Electronic shoe insert tracks how much you (or your kid) walks each day, rations out TV time accordingly. Run, my tubby children, run or you get no Barney
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Photoshop this jailed Russian oil magnate
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| (Tri-City Herald) |
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Ugly-ass baby calf born with five legs, six hooves (with pic)
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| (Softpedia) |
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Sony-Ericsson starting a contest encouraging people to submit the most embarassing photos of themselves or their friends. What could possibly go wrong?
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| (Biology News Net) |
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Scientists develop "cantilever" device able to weigh a single DNA molecule -- a shade more than one attogram
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FAA says no to billboards in space
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| (WLKY) |
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Kentucky parents pull kids out of Little League because it was sponsored by Hooters
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| Thu May 19, 2005 |
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Lake disappears, baffling villagers. Art Bell says little green men drank it
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| (The Roanoke Times) |
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Apparently hot redhead groupies are news in Roanoke, Virginia (pic)
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| (Some KaSplooosh WooWoo) |
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Every guy loves a good public nipple slip. So here's Sophie Marceau, whoever she is, letting it fly on live television (NSFW)
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Sequel to "Sin City" already in the planning stages. Possible title: "Castration Town"
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| (WMAZ) |
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Woman takes a bite out of crime, holds it in her mouth for use as eventual DNA evidence
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Students commissioned to paint a mural in their high school. One of them decides to paint a picture of Jesus. Hilarity ensues
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| (LVRJ) |
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Cop fires at car for speeding in crowded high school parking lot
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Freak out-of-season Hurricane Adrian to undergo sex-change to Hurricane Arlene after its trip across Central America
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Photoshop this protestor
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New species of "honk-barking" monkey discovered in Tanzania
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Dolphins to be issued with mobile phones, sharks with frikkin' laser beams
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Italian porn industry the only economic sector in that country to operate efficiently and on time
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photos of Star Wars nerds from the wrong line going to the right theater
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German scientist claims that he's found the mythical female "sirens" from Homer's Odyssey. Notes that they look, act, and are genetically identical to "monk seals"
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Orphaned rhino and goat adopt each other and find they both love milk and horse pellets
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Man driving Mercedes parks in the middle of a highway during morning rush hour to tell everyone there's a bomb in his car
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NASA to give $250K for anyone that can pull oxygen out of moon dirt
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Old Russian lady blames Americans for sudden disappearance of lake. In other news, the White House begins construction of Presidential Swimmin' Hole
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Archeologists find 200 beer and wine containers at 5,000-year-old site in Egypt, explaining the mystery of the "lampshade skull man"
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| (Montgomery Advertiser) |
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High wages in Korea force Hyundai to turn to Alabama for plentiful cheap labor
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Filmmaker claims Jim Morrison is alive in Oregon
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Research shows that footballers have higher amounts of testosterone when playing at home. Unlike most men, who have higher amounts when playing away from home
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Federal Trade Commission considers adding more rules (for spammers to laugh at) to CAN-SPAM act. Your dog wants \/|agr4
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| (MassLive) |
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Bangor, Maine happy to have suspected dangerous airplanes diverted to its airport
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Morgan Freeman warns film industry of piracy threat, suggests hiring ninjas
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Advertisers target the laziest of the lazy: Slackjawed video-game spectators
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| (click2houston) |
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When the moon hits your eye / like a big pizza pie / that's in-school suspension
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Woman gets kicked out of bar, returns short time later with gasoline and matches. Hilarity almost ensues
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Norway baffled by toilet heist
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Man thinks warning "I am poisonous. Please do not drink" is slogan for new beverage; fails Darwin taste test
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Woman calls 911 after camel sits on her while she's painting a fence
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British shopping centre that banned hoodies and baseball caps sees sharp rise in visitor numbers
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| (Phoenixville News) |
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Fifteen middle school students suspended for plastic knife fight. "Very superficial scratch marks" reported by the principal
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The voice for Bart Simpson has been elected mayor, plans to clamp down on rampaging youths immediately
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Gilligan recuperating after successful quadruple bypass surgery. Doctors used groundbreaking new procedure crafted from coconuts
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Self-styled art terrorist strikes again: Museum officials fail to notice the shopping cart in a cave painting that mysteriously joined their exhibit
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| (Boing Boing) |
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Episode III already available online (spoilers - duh!)
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Police marksman shoots armed bank-robbery suspect after determining he was the only one of the group who wasn't standing around in his underpants
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this hot toilet
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Judge declares that patting someones tooshie isnt a crime. (Apostrophes still not allowed)
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| (Newsfilter.org) |
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Perfect 10 hottie Jessie Capelli (NSFW)
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The video-game console wars are about to heat up again, to the consumer's benefit
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| (Opie and Anthony) |
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CBS reporter drops F-bomb on live TV this morning (NSFW)
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Workers restoring a chimney in an old house find a 193-year-old bottle of whiskey
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Upskirt subway camera causes bomb scare
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Kemp cops to hemp charge
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| (KARE 11) |
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Toyota pickup vs. state patrolman on foot, guess who won this one (with video)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Tanzanian men arrested for killing and skinning boy. Tanzanian police stress that human-skinning cases are down this year
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Despite what the president of Harvard says, women are graduating college at a rate greater than men; expelled from secondary school at a much lower rate; talk gooder
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Photoshop: Scotch Tape is 75, Gumby is 50 and Urban Cowboy is 25 -- photoshop them together
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A new business called Toasty Chicks Delivery will pickup your lunch and have a sexy babe deliver it to your work
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Rather large tussle occurs outside top club over two premiership footballers. U.S. translation: These hot babes are ripping each other's clothes off outside. The Sun is there (NSFW)
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| (The Pittsburgh Channel) |
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Duke sucks, and now scientists have proof as to why
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Detroit Tigers, usually eliminated by now, reach .500. Duke sucks
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Philadelphia to Terrell Owens: STFU and go attention whore somewhere else
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| (Myrtle Beach Sun News) |
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Former South Carolina drama teacher has sex with minor girl for four years, is found out, flees to Indonesia, is hit with tsunami, recaptured by SC state police
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| (Gazette.net) |
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Woman creates new line of greeting cards for people involved in extramarital affairs
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| (International Herald Tribune) |
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Researchers at Johns Hopkins discover that for the low, low price of $50, you too can experience the joys of selling, leaking other people's personal info
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Aww geez, not this shiat again: NBA lockout set for July 1st
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| Wed May 18, 2005 |
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Court unamused when a 79-year-old woman tries to get rid of her neighbors by digging under their walls and almost hitting one in the head with a sledgehammer
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Kelsey Grammar cast in X-Men 3 because of his experience battling Lilith
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Do two inequities 2 milion hotdog buns ayear are waisted, butt thats not the case any more, too companys will sine a formel piece treaty, vowing to package hot dogs and buns in quantities of ate
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$25 ecstasy tablet smells like fish because dealer's female drug mule had it stashed way down south
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| (NY Daily News) |
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The Britney and Cletus show: A huge, steaming pile of suckitude
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Judge to hear "motion for panties," later to rule on the angle of the dangle
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Your daughter has been suspended from the softball team for violating team policy. Do you: A) Man up and accept the decision? B) Get the team policy changed? Or, C) Beat the coach with an aluminum bat during practice?
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Theme: Create other unusual marketing tie-ins based on the Runaway Bride
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Naked skateboarders terrorize Maine
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Eleven-year-old girl throws perfect game in little league, striking out 18 boys. Will likely be in the Tampa Bay Devil Rays' starting rotation next week
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Pregnant teen, banned from graduation, walks anyway; announces her own name
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| (l'express) |
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Latest trend in weddings: "You're invited. Here's your bill"
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| (Edmunds) |
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Chrysler, realizing their cars suck, cancels seven-year/70,000 mile warranty. Will instead offer free breadcrumb trail of auto parts back to the dealership as you drive off
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| (Courier Post) |
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Company fires manager after he neglects to disclose that he pleaded guilty to threatening to kill his former business partners and their families
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| (Times Herald-Record) |
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Wrong, your "Star Wars" tickets might be: Fans line up on wrong night to see "Revenge of the Sith"
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Conviction of securities broker may find Bank of America's investment unit evicted from its Manhattan headquarters, due to the same laws used to evict drug dealers from apartments
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| (Brainerd Dispatch) |
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"Anytime you put alcohol, naked women and men in the same room, something is going to happen"
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NBC furiously tries to play catch-up in running stories based on unsubstantiated claims of terrorist suspects. What could go wrong?
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Ball State University conducting study to determine if women suitable for long space trips. Having problem finding kitchen small enough to fit in capsule
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| (Businessweek) |
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TSA reluctantly lifts ban on empty Zippos
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| (NY Daily News) |
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NBC's strategy with its admittably crappy "Joey": Keep it on the air until you're hypnotized to watch it
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Today's Los Angeles forecast: Hazy and smoggy, with a 40 percent change of a big-ass earthquake
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| (NBC13) |
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Woman found with $700 missing from concession stand tells police she earned it selling drugs. Jailarity ensues
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| (CBS5) |
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Woman's baby gets repossesed after she fails to make payments on it
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Forensic investigator offers $100,000 reward for the return of stolen Loch Ness Monster tooth
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| (Orlando Sentinel) |
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Fark's favorite fat and taser-happy sheriff fails to show up at a hearing set up to ask why he needs $16 million
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Drinking poop is bad for you
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Aging sewage systems fouling Great Lakes require repairs, upgrades. Competitive waterskiiers worry for future of Lake Erie's turd-slalom event
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| (wsoctv.com) |
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Prom-goer refuses to sign anti-drinking pledge, tells newspaper she plans to drink that night. Principal bans her from prom, calls her embarrassment to school. Hilarity ensues
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| (contact music) |
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Lindsay Lohan to play Tom Cruise's toothpick in Mission Impossible 3
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| (SportsPickle.com) |
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One-dollar plastic bracelet sold to raise money for the fight against the spread of plastic bracelets
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In 1979, the men who built the only full-scale Millenium Falcon swear secrecy. Today they speak about "Project Magic Roundabout." With photo
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| (aBum) |
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Down by five points with less than four seconds in the game doesn't stop this basketball team from winning the state championship
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Beauty pageant's bikini shot incurs controversy, tent-pitching in Buddhist Thailand. The same Thailand where you can buy 10-year-old virgins for a buck, no outrage over that
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| (USPTO) |
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Microsoft patents email, icons and the address book
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| (Lancaster Online) |
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Having solved all other problems in Germantown, Tennessee, city council to regulate when garage doors may be opened
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| (andPOP) |
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Cell phones used in rural areas more likely to cause cancer; make you put cars up on blocks
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| (PJ Star) |
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Teacher at Christian school busted for prostitution, charging 10 times what the local market would bear, say police. "You'd think for $200, you'd get a high-price girl in a fancy hotel. This was an apartment in Pekin"
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| (Orlando Sentinel) |
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Western sensitivity explained: "You could flush a Bible down the toilet in front of Goober in Kabul, and it's unlikely that Mayberry suddenly would be awash in blood"
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I'm Gumby, dammit, and I'm 50 years old!
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Kentucky theater bans Jane Fonda flick, apparently worried someone might actually come see it
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| (WNBC) |
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Riddle me this, Riddle me that, the Riddler's dead, and that's a fact
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| (Times Live) |
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Already-delayed $98 million road project halted again after rare turtle discovered near construction site
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Owner of Wendy's chili finger served it up to satisfy a $50 debt
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| (Delco Times) |
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Scooby-Doo outfits, brooms, bank robbery, federal orders -- it's all normal for this town's politicians
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Lumber has so many uses. Photoshop some interesting ones
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Woman wearing vibrating panties passes out while shopping. Paris Hilton unavailable for comment. (With possibly NSFW sex-toy pic)
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| (Maine Today) |
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Funeral directors understandably squeamish about proposed law requiring them to pull cadavers' teeth prior to cremation
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Dog saves owner's leg from amputation by licking it; reaps reward by humping it furiously
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60,000-year-old mammoth bones uncovered in Russia
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| (Some Guy) |
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Las Vegas' record-setting birthday cake winds up on pig farm, where owner figures it will take the swine about a week to finish it off
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Fat people moan that slim people moan about fat people -- everyone told to shut the hell up
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| (Business Day) |
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Event organizers expect that 15 million people will flock to see a gigantic pair of frozen mammoth buttocks
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| (Salina Journal) |
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Semi-trailer passing through small town snags and pulls out two miles of power lines
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Fundraiser may not be allowed to float ducks down river if road traffic is affected by people
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Drink Coke, Play Again." What is the best prize you have ever won in a consumer-based promotion -- e.g., soda caps, Monopoly, etc.
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CBS changes Wednesday edition of "60 Minutes" to "0 Minutes"
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| (Some Guy) |
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"Most whipped" category in yearbook manages to outrage at least one area mom. White girlfriend holding a black boyfriend on a collar and leash apparently not a good photo op in retrospect. (With pic)
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When planning your illegal cockfight, avoid choosing a location that has a 10-foot-tall plastic cock at the entrance
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| (VOA News) |
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Health study shows males and females are different (actual headline)
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| (Zwire.com) |
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Missouri city prepares for hurricane season
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Man says Budweiser fired him for drinking Coors
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According to FBI reports, grenade thrown at President Bush during Tbilisi speech on May 10th was live but failed to explode.
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| (WISH) |
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Drunk ESPN writer does the smart thing, runs from police to try to avoid DUI. Fails, gets tasered
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ManU fans prepare for FA Cup final by burning their new owner in effigy
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PETA unhappy about monkey spanking
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Add two parts Senate standards of truth and one part British MP. Then broadcast on TV and see Senators with pants down
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Toyota causes Earth to temporarily stop spinning by issuing a recall for 880,000 vehicles
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| (NY Daily News) |
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Woman uses breast milk to put out burning amputee set on fire by teen punks
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University of Iowa offers pornography course. Who could possibly object?
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| (Some Embryo) |
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Reminder: Triangle Fark Party, Saturday May 21, 7:00 p.m. at the Carolina Ale House in Durham
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Ewoks
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"Piano man" identified by Polish mime, who of course talked
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| (SABC News) |
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Court rules that under certain circumstances, it is okay to release poisonous snakes into the bank with which you are having an argument
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| Tue May 17, 2005 |
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Wal-Mart opens store that caters to the Amish
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Woman arrested after officer is unable to distinguish two bags of flour from two kilos of cocaine
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| (Google Image Search) |
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Theme: Currency in the Middle Ages
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Man puts month-old goat in backyard with pit bull so they can be "friends"
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Al-Qaeda, unable to pronounce "Condoleeza Rice," resort to just calling her "The Crusaders' Hag"
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| (American Spectator) |
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Like Dan Rather, Newsweek is allowing itself an array of defenses it would never extend to the conservatives it covers
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"Ginormous" tops non-dictionary word list. "Douchenozzle" didn't make the cut
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| (Daily Northwestern) |
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Phantom masturbators turn out to be speed-masturbators in university library. "It was like a grunting noise and I was like, 'That's not studying'"
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Mars Rover kicks it into six-wheel drive, and moves two inches
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After unloading several cans of insect killer in your apartment, make sure you open your windows before turning on your computer to do some surfing
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Whatever you do, don't come between the wife of an Israeli politician and her chance to be photographed with Madonna
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Air in London's Underground found to be cleaner than in the streets above, plus contains extra iron. Trogs, Chuds, Molemen rejoice
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| (Some Dead Medium) |
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NYT responds to sagging subscription sales, brought on by the public's access to countless free news sources online, by charging for their web content
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When planning your next bank robbery, remember that your purple truck with flames painted on its sides is an inappropriate getaway vehicle
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Man attempts to parachute off the Eiffel Tower gets turned into le pizza de rue
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| (WTEV) |
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Major electromagnetic storm caused by solar flare is heading towards Earth, possibly causing exstensive power blackouts, communication disruptions. Then again, it could just be another fearmongering media article
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Bay Area man fights to change name of Mt. Diablo to something less satanic; suggests Mt. Kawukum, an indigenous word meaning "I'm a PC retard"
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| (Stanford Daily) |
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College dealing with the inevitable conflict when Pirate Pride Week occurs during Ninja Respect Month
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Invasive plant used to control soil erosion may curb binge drinking. Here comes the science
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Preschoolers get kicked out of school at a rate 18 times higher than kids from kindergarten to 12th grade
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Man falls out window, breaks neck and spine, overcomes paralysis and goes on to run marathon
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| (Star Tribune) |
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Food chain to start offering "pay by touch" fingerprint pay system. So, next time you get a finger in your chili, use it to get free food
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| (LGN) |
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Theme: James Bond-inspired kitchen utensils
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Shopkeepers enlist priest to ward off ghost obsessed with pair of shoes. Priest discovers spirit is wandering, lost sole; needs exorcism to heel
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Restaurant serves maggot salads, fried maggots with cactus and corn, maggot desserts such as maggots in ice cream or chocolate sauce and, of course, maggot cocktails
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| (State Journal-Register) |
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Illinois governor says grand jury investigation is the result of his ''testicular virility''
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If there's one thing guaranteed to make an Englishman's blood boil, it's screwing around with the weather forecast
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Study finds one-night stands regretted more by women than men
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| (Physorg.com) |
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Stegosaurs had spikes just for looks, picking up honeys
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Hawaii hippies totally bummed to find out that SUVs are not their biggest pollution problem -- it's Kilauea Volcano
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| (Mid-day.com) |
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When faced with unrequited love, cutting off your penis will not suddenly make her love you
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| (wowt.com) |
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Man's joy turns to rage after Ticketmaster screws him over on some sweet Neil Diamond tickets
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Trump to announce plans to rebuild the Twin Towers
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Kylie Minogue diagnosed with breast cancer
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Coming soon: 300-carat diamonds. Your girlfriend will never be satisfied
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Thirteen-year-old steals car, uses 12-pack of Bud Light to see over steering wheel
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| (Some Guy) |
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Even soldiers need something to read
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Court comes down soft on fractured penis suit
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| (Gulf Daily News) |
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Everybody gets bored sometimes, but it takes a special kind of person to decide that opening coconuts with his teeth would be a fun hobby
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Las Vegas, intimidated by Fort Payne, Alabama and its 128,000-pound cake, makes a 130,000-pound cake
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| (Ledger Enquirer) |
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You so didn't hear this from me, but, like, some town in Colombia has totally outlawed gossip
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| (Albany Times Union) |
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15,000-pound boulder pops up out of nowhere in Iowa cornfield. Ray Kinsella unavailable for comment
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| (Some Hexagon) |
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Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Polygons
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Detroit Farkers, time for another Fark Party. JD's Key Club, May 21 -- be there or be shot. Link goes to JD's webpage
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City forced to change forecast from "Run for your lives" to "Oops, we messed up" after looking at the wrong weather map
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| (Biology News Net) |
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Tiny toads fitted with backpacks
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Albany Fark Party. This Saturday at 7:00 p.m.
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| (WJLA) |
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Man concedes bad judgement in choosing fire as demolition tool instead of sledgehammer. "I would've been all right if the wind hadn't changed"
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New Zealand broadcasting authorities reject complaint about radio presenter who claimed local people cuddle their sheep
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| Mon May 16, 2005 |
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Anyone can lose weight if they're committed to a mental hospital and have alarms installed on the doors of their kitchen cupboards later
|
| (L.A. TIMES) |
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Photoshop what King Tut would be doing if he were alive today
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Tattoo artists meeting in New York are concerned that once-seedy taboo artistry is losing its nonconformist "lure"
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You're making a terrible stanank
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Coach beaten unconscious during girls rugby match
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| (Sunday Herald) |
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Study: Binge-drinking women just as likely to get cop-slugging drunk as men when out on the town
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Sony unveils the Playstation 3. Lot of tech specs, one-handed typing
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| (Wonkette) |
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Wal-Mart compares Arizona ballot proposal restricting giant grocers to Nazi book burning. Jon Stewart, Sheryl Crow, Godwin surrender
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| (my Telus) |
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Border agents using gamma technology find two men hidden on train, attempting to enter U.S. illegally. Once discovered, suspects turned green, began smashing everything in sight
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Drug busts are big business for small towns
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| (New Mexico Channel) |
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"Cow Mutilation Investigator" rules out Martians in attacks on cattle
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| (iafrica.com) |
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Cannes journalists bypass Star Wars to see film of girl going down on an old fat man
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| (NBC5) |
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Duck breaks into man's home, apparently was after some quackers
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Natives talk about the attacks of Popo Bawa, the demon sodomizing gremlin monster thing
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Menstrual cycle may alter brain chemistry, boyfriends' plans for the weekend
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Farewell, my fried clams. Howard Johnson's down to only eight locations
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| (Jeff Jarvis) |
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Newsweek lied, people died
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"We have no clue how many hurricanes there will be, so we say 'a lot' to keep our asses covered"
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| (EMS) |
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Theme: National Park Service Director Fran Mainella is considering outsourcing the entire operations of three national parks. Depict some likely or unlikely operators
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Scientists develop condom that will keep guys erect during sex. Still no cure for cancer, but we can let this one slide
|
| (breakingnews.ie) |
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Britney Spears says she's going with sweat pants, giving up on her sexy image
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| (Yorkshire Post) |
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Man who bought inert grenades, filled them with explosive powder, and then sent them to the British consulate in New York says it was all a misunderstanding, as he was sending them as prank paperweights to a friend
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"Doctor Who" episode raises contoversy as it might encourage kids to drill into somebody's head as a way of resolving disputes
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Man tries to rob bank with vacuum-cleaner attachment. Sucks at robbing banks
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In a stunning blow to Fark's cliche-headline submitters everywhere, cure for cancer found
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Wayward deer sneaks past elderly greeter, rampages through Wally World
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| (LGN) |
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Theme: What would old music would sound like if it were produced today?
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GM vehicles rank among best in quality survey among people who rank value, styling and "not givin' none of them Japanese none of my business" as important characteristics
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Romanian youth wakes up in morgue, punches the doctor in the mouth
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Makers of "I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar" to change name as Internet wine sales go legit
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If it's cold outside, one solution is to buy a warm coat. Another less advisable solution is to burst into a restaurant yelling, "I'm an armed robber who wants to get caught, call the cops" so you can be taken to a warm jail cell
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| (Hypersensitivity Lives) |
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Middle-school girl gets detention for hugging at school. Blowing teachers still okay
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Officials shocked to discover that uneducated illegal immigrants don't hold the same jobs as legal residents with college degrees
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Researchers discover drivers of pickup trucks less likely to wear seat belts than drivers of cars. Elusive "chances of anyone giving a crap" research on same study still incomplete
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Today's Iron Photoshop ingredients: Ed Norton from "The Honeymooners" and actor Ed Norton. Link goes to GIS for them
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| (E!) |
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Dave Chappelle, comedian and Muslim, hasn't "smoked marijuana in months." Also says he's not crazy
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| (Some Tin Foil Hat Guy) |
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Study concludes that 43 percent of the public believes the press has too much freedom and 22 percent say the government should be allowed to censor the press
|
| (Sum Gie) |
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Incorrect spelling will not be penalized in English tests. Education surrenders
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English medic and his donkey, who saved 300 wounded men in 24 days in WWI before being killed, will be honored in his hometown
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Ever wonder what it would be like to ride a bicycle at the speed of light? Link goes to simulator
|
| (News4Jax) |
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Man charged in Sarah Lunde's death tries to dig out of jail. Unfortunately, he forgot to get the Raquel Welch poster first
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Proposed four-state powerline would have California importing electricity, exporting its coal-fired greenhouse gases. Sing along: "It's getting hot in here..."
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| (Channel4) |
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List of 100 Greatest War Films. Omissions of Pearl Harbor and U-571 gives it at least some credibility
|
| (cadillacbicycles.com) |
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Having perfected the art of making crappie cars, Cadillac unveils six sensational bicycle models
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| (Eisenhower) |
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Theme: The secret life of eggs
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Woman has dispute with two other women, lists their names and phone numbers as sex workers in local newspaper. Callers dismayed to discover that Pauline was wheelchair-bound, 72, and not actually interested in sex talk
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College grad to legal writer to homeless person to murder victim. The dividing line is thinner than you think
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LSU sophomore who's never played a minute of college basketball declares for NBA draft. High school coach: "For two or three minutes he's as good as anyone"
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From 1900 to 1970, over 65,000 men and women were secretly sterilized as part of a government eugenics program
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