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| Sun May 15, 2005 |
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If your orchestra is missing a genius who can draw the Swedish flag, play piano concertos for hours and is in his twenties or thirties, Kent Police would like to talk to you (with pic)
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Man, overcome with guilt after years of not paying for train fare, sends check for over $1000 to London officials
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| (Some Guy) |
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Your tax dollars at work: High school coach caught giving oral to county worker in city park used for class field trips (with mug shot goodness)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Complaints force radio station to paint "straps" onto bare womens' backs
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British lawmaker argues that people with court-ordered community service need to wear chain gang-style uniforms
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Newsweek now says the whole Koran desecration thingy just didn't happen. And they are sorry
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| (Counterpunch) |
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A chronology of U.S. war crimes and torture, 1975-2005
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop orange Toronto
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I'll see your Uhura and raise you a Troi: A tribute to the girls of Star Trek...
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| (Asbury Park Press) |
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You know you've pissed off the judge when he states the only way he could make his order clearer is if he cut a vein and wrote it in blood
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| (Fort Wayne.com) |
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Steroids suspected as high school produce class after class of gifted, small-testicled athletes
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| (LUG) |
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Students paint huge Firefox logo on Oregon sidewalk using only water, Kool-Aid and cornstarch. In other news, police are on the lookout for a seven-foot-tall red pitcher
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Its easy to get busted for smuggling 1000 kg of tobacco if your van rides so low it almost scrapes the concrete. Even if your cohort is a customs officer
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A cook at a Paris children's hospital was killed in a sword attack on Saturday evening by a man he met on the Internet. Police say he's not crazy, he just hates the French
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College student killed in bike accident donates organs to five different people
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Bike polo: A popular alternative sport and one more way for aging athletes to put themselves at risk of injury
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| (Time) |
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Chapelle wasn't on drugs, at a psych ward or stealing food. He has just been keeping his shoes clean in Africa
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Headmaster sends unruly pupils to "the cooler." Still not as effective as a trip to the tossed-salad man
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And now for something completely different: Man begs for UFO to take him
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The next time your significant other wants to manipulate you to see the opera, you can counter with this play that involves masked Mexican wrestlers, buxom strippers and people on fuzzy pogo sticks
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this bottle in the grass
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Japanese perfect the art of robotic vampires. Your Aibo wants your blood
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| (Some Guy) |
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How to swear in Japanese
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Fifth-grade teacher dismayed to discover that her effective method of keeping students quiet it actually not sanctioned by the school
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| (Stars and Stripes) |
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Grand opening of new mail facility delayed after high-tech package scanner detects sauerkraut. What could be wurst?
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| (World Net Daily!) |
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Commercial featuring a thong-bikini-clad Paris Hilton washing a car "couldn't be more pornographic" an industry source claims. Said industry source apparently not familiar with Hilton's earlier works
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| (Science Daily) |
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Alien wasp that likes to knock down pine trees found in New York
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| (Some Guy) |
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Death-row inmate, 12 days from execution, wants to donate his liver to his dying sister
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Players of role-playing murder mystery game agree to reenact game in real-life
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Photoshop President Bush having umbrella trouble
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| (Some Guy) |
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Man supposedly caught cheating with Cameron Diaz responds to the press coverage on his weblog. He's a friend of Wil, too
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| (Petition Online) |
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Online movement seeking shutdown of the Internet rapidly gaining support
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| (In Forum) |
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Japanese man wigs out on plane after finding single strand of hair on his blanket
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Rome's top police officer laments lack of red-light district, suggests creating one immediately
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| (Some Guy) |
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Farker's brother found in Ukiah. Behold the power of Fark. Link goes to original thread
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| (softpedia) |
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IBM sides with Firefox. Separatist movement gains momentum against The Empire
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| (Female First) |
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Former member of Spice Girls talks about her huge sex toy collection and how she makes men wait months before giving them what they really really want
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In a rebuttal film to "Super Size Me," some farker plans to film a documentary of himself eating nothing but fast food and losing weight
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| (Dailytimes.com) |
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Two boys playing hide-and-seek found hiding under bed after grandmother enlists the help of a helicopter, dozens of searchers, military planes and a few K-9 units
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Your mom's right about the clean underwear thing. For that matter, you probably shouldn't keep your crack in there, either
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| (The Evening Times) |
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Prudes protest nude portrait in gallery window. Apparently, Scotland is the last hole on the bible belt
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| Sat May 14, 2005 |
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Purplesaurus Rex Kool-Aid: The grape/lemonade nectar of the gods that made many childhoods worth living...
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Stand and deliver: Landlord attempts to collect overdue rent at swordpoint
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Crack dealer hobnobber and child abuser coddler squares off against scandalous corruptor for mayor of L.A.
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| (The Daily Commercial) |
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Woman opens her morning newspaper and is surprised to find out she is in critical condition at the local hospital due to a car crash
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Dave Chapelle comes out of hiding and speaks from South Africa
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| (Winston-Salem Journal) |
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Hooker expects up to seven percent drop in business due to wood shortage
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| (Ouch) |
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Photoshop alternate ways to pull teef out. Difficulty: No door and string
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| (AVN) |
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New bill in Ohio says that women who use tampons are engaged in "sexual conduct"
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| (Some Hospital) |
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In honor of Final Fantasy, couple names their child "Sephiroth"
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Nuclear batteries being developed for home use, can last more than a decade. Energizer Bunny surrenders
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| (Herald Sun) |
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Breaker One-Nine, this here's Rubber Duck. Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a Baby Convoy
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| (KCTV) |
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Runaway bride turns into a marketing bonanza
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| (Some Lucas Guy) |
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Remember how hot Princess Leia looked in her slave outfit on Jabba's barge? Wouldn't it be great if you could dress up your dog like that? (pic)
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The only thing between you and seeing boobies on a North Carolina beach is 88-year-old Mildred Wilson
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| (mweb) |
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Firemen mistake unconscious snake for hose
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Underwater quake, measuring 6.9, rocks the island of Sumatra. No tsunami expected
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| (Daily Mail) |
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Elle MacPherson is in favour of breastfeeding. Unfortunately, only with babies
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| (KOLD) |
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Tons of free furniture available on I-10, slightly charred
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Spooooooooooooooooooooon...
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| (Phuket Gazette) |
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Death by coconut
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| (Sciencedaily) |
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Aerodynamic secrets of flying snakes. In case, you know, we ever need to convert existing ground-based snakes into long-range, air-launched attack snakes
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| (WCCO) |
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Drunk man steals Krispy Kreme truck. City's entire fleet of police cars reportedly involved in pursuit
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| (Google) |
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Theme: One man's junk is another's treasure
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Nightclub church service offers live rock music, flip-flops and nose piercings
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| (News and Star) |
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Chef runs amok with a knife in the street, faces affray charge. Punishment attenuated by crazy, Italian chef cliché
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| (Contact Music) |
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Billy Crystal turns against audience, tells them to shove their cell phones up their asses
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The Rockies suck and fans can't deal. Welcome to baseball, Denver
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United Airline stewardesses strip to protest loss of pensions (with SFW pics)
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| (LGN) |
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Theme: Pimp-out something that doesn't require pimping
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| (dailynorthwestern) |
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"As my father used to tell me, good citizenship begins with nipple sucking"
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Stagecoach hit-and-run looses wild horses into NY traffic
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Dylan's hometown to name street after him. 4th Street is Positively out of the question
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| ((Grocery) |
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Princess Lettuce: "Help me Obi-Wan Cannoli, you're my only hope against Dark Tater"
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Fence from grassy knoll up for auction, includes graffiti such as "Oswald Was Framed" and "Oliver Stone has sucked since Platoon"
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| Fri May 13, 2005 |
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Woman bites thief. "The man arrived with his right testicle dead and hanging by a thread... there was nothing to do but cut it off"
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Milwaukee Metropolitan Sewerage District spokesman says they are fairly confident a majority of condoms are now being caught before they can reach Lake Michigan
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| (Some College Guy) |
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Cheap beer, malt liquor, bottom-shelf vodka: Create an advertisement glamorizing poor-quality alcohol. Difficulty: No Miller Light
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| (mcdowellnews) |
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Robbery suspect gets beer, cigarettes, IDed by clerk who knows his full name
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| (Govt record) |
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Kentucky legislator introduces bill to make fertilizing more than one egg a felony. Knocking up cousin Betty Sue with twins gets more dangerous
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| (MLB.com) |
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Chicago Cubs playing in D.C. for the first time since 1899. Surprisingly, have won two World Series since then. Meanwhile, "Nats" still suck and there's no tradition
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Like Gretzky, John Paul II may have typical five-year waiting period waived for Hall of Fame entry
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Georgia judges packing heat after Atlanta shooting. "Do you understand the charges against you? Well do you, punk?"
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Utah Jazz re-hires Jerry Sloan to coach their 26-56 team after realizing that nobody else wants to coach a terrible NBA team in Utah
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Dear Penthouse Forum: I never thought these letters were real until I had an experience recently -- I was out jogging in Duluth, thinking of my upcoming wedding, when suddenly...
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iMockery comes up with some decent iPod ad spoofs
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Frenchman shows his disgust at proposed European Constitution by jumping on a table during parliamentary proceedings and waggling his buttocks at it
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If you're an NBA owner looking for a guy to foul out in under 10 minutes, you now have your chance: Shavlik Randolph eligible for NBA draft. Duke sucks
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"The mouse looked like it was browned or grilled or something." $17.5 million lawsuitalarity ensues
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| (WLBZ) |
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Big rig smashes into bridge guardrail, leaving cab dangling 60 feet above river, which obviously catches fire. Driver leaps to water below, swims to nearby island, asks for a beer
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Police officer fines driver for his resemblance to Bush
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| (Some Guy) |
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The FCC fined CBS millions for inadverdently showing Janet J's boobie. Yesterday, several stations broadcast a man shot to death by the police, live. How much will the FCC fine that station? Submitter predicts $0. What say you?
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TV show demonstrates how cat can survive when thrown off a four-story building
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Today's animal hoarding horror, including unique Great Dane-carcass-in-a-freezer twist, brought to you by the former mayor of Beverly Hills
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Wendy's Chili Finger apparently belonged to co-worker of accuser's husband
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| (News-Press) |
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Construction crew leaves the keys in their heavy equipment at the end of work day. Deathilarity ensues
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Martin Bashir told Jacko he was "looking so sexy" that women would throw their pants at their TVs
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Uranus still needs a good probing but we may have busted Saturn's nut
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German senator resigns after dousing homeless man with wine
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Fourth annual Cedar Point Fark Party this Sunday. Meet at TGIFridays outside the park Saturday at 8:00 p.m., and Johnny Rockets inside the park Sunday at noon
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Old and busted: Tiny weeners. New hotness: Liquid injected penises
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Australians invent wine in a can, export it to Japan. Taste test shows Japanese can't tell the difference between canned wine and a dead crab
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this empty bus
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| (Jacksonville.com) |
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How well do you know "Caddyshack"? Find out with this quiz
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Saudi Arabia outraged at Koran desecration. Still apathetic about terrorism, Iraq beheadings
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Twelve-year-old Maryland girl has not aged since she was 12 months old
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Hawaii evicts woman living in lava tube
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Scientists and engineers get together to send a unified message: "Send more women"
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Northern Colorado Fark Party, May 27th at Red Feather Lakes. Drew's helping a friend celebrate the grand opening of his restaurant, come join us
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| (Some Guy) |
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Pentagon releases proposed BRAC list. Here come the closures
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Today you may experience Paraskevidekatriaphobia, the Fear of Friday the 13th. Here comes the science
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| (news.gc.ca) |
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Canadian government warning: "Undeclared nuts in cock"
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| (Some Guy) |
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CT Fark Party, Saturday, May 14, 8:00 PM at Action Sports Bar, 3352 Whitney Ave. in Hamden. Come party with us. You know you want to. Your dog wants more beer
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World's first bionic arm being fitted to netballing hairdresser. Not quite sure what this means for Sasquatch
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| (Some Guy) |
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Philly burbs Fark party, 5/21 at 8:00 p.m.
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this pillar-lined path
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Death-row inmate tries to hasten punishment. Strangely, people think this is a bad idea
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| (Washington Times) |
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Border Patrol is ordered to stand down, not arrest aliens crossing the border where the Minutemen patrolled in an effort to downplay their effectiveness
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| (Some Idea Guys) |
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From the people who brought you Space Penguin, it's Doom Funnel Chasers
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Lightning strike causes Iowa town to smell like rotten egg fart
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Court says talking penis on TV is indecent
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| (Some Guy) |
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Kentucky congressman wants to get his hands on fake penis. If he shakes it more than three times, he's playing with it
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| (MSN) |
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Seven jobs for opinionated people. Warning: No actual jobs
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| Thu May 12, 2005 |
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Hundreds of Darth Vaders and imperial troops will invade a Paris boulevard on Friday. France surrenders
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| (LGN) |
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Theme: Recreate a popular song using only instruments that a caveman would use
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Man makes date with Internet girl, invites her to his house. Girl asks if he likes bondage. Hilarity ensues
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Republican takes a knee for Nancy Pelosi
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Demi Moore says Ashton Kutcher pulls the trigger a little too quick in the sack. "Obvious" tag trumps "Amusing"
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| (Tuscaloosa News) |
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Officer showing high school student his safety gun holster dismayed when student discovers that the trigger could still be successfully pulled
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| (Daily Californian) |
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The Boss threatens to kill audience members whose cell phones ring with a chainsaw
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| (Some Embarrassed Gal) |
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Replacement boobies (not safe for work)
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| (Pittsburgh Post-Gazette) |
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Mistranslation of news article on foreign currency sparks mass panic among investors and trading firms
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| (Channel 4) |
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Do you gravitate towards the light or the dark side of The Force? Take the quiz and find out
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| (Cedartown Standard) |
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Man accidentally shoots himself three times while cleaning gun
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| (Some Pool) |
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Photoshop this flying kid and his friend
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| (Oscar Meyer) |
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Dog gone: Thieves steal 12-foot hot-dog sign from restaurant. Police relish opportunity to ketchup with those responsible
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Boston in jeopardy of losing journalists' conference due to 1675 law requiring all Native Americans entering the city to be arrested
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| (News-Record) |
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Subway calls stamp-licking "antiquated," plans to do away with free sub promotion
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Woman sues ex-husband -- and wins -- for not telling her he was impotent
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Teenager hacks mayor's and police officers' voicemails, says "All your base" in Darth Vader voice
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| (WWMT) |
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Teacher told her services were no longer required after the school found out she was four months pregnant and only married for two months
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Not to be outdone by California, landslide takes out highway in New York
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Man extolls the virtues of Dumpster diving. "I have steak sauce to last 100 years. It never goes bad"
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| (Dean's Planet) |
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Goddess of the Victoria Secret's catalog, Adriana Lima, falls out of her top during a photo shoot (not safe for work)
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Government takes away "FAR CUE" license plate. Fark University has no chance
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English teen, addicted to sunbeds, labelled a "tanorexic." Could use a sammich, too (with photo)
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Smokers boycott major charities, including the American Cancer Society and American Lung Association
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Couple asked by state to remove their grapefruit tree. Couple claims formal immunity for the tree, pursuant to provisions of the Geneva Convention
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Eighteen percent of Florida seniors fail FCAT, state's graduation exam. Administrators consider renaming it the Florida Universal Comprehension Test
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John Cleese writing next claymation film with Nick Park (Wallace & Gromit); will explain why the Brits and French hate each other
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Bengal tiger cubs breastfed by Malaysian woman die of dehydration
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Five buffalo escape meat-packing plant, begin grazing in adjacent field. Police arrive, pump 120 rounds into buffalo, houses, cars
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Malcolm Glazer launches takeover of Manchester United
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In retrospect, kicking the officer in the testicles was probably not the right way to respond to being pulled over for a minor traffic violation
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| (Some Guy) |
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New rules for Australian pro rugby allow you to intentially punch opponent in groin, say you're sorry, go back and do it again
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this manhole cover, bench and bird
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"Happy slapping," a new craze in the UK involving teenage kids beating up random strangers and filming the attacks on their phones. Solution? Ban baseball caps and blame MTV
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| (www.wthr.com) |
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Worker parks GMC pickup in Chrysler-only parking lot. Car towed, but towtruck service waives tow fee, refuses to tow any more
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| (Press-Telegram) |
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Bikini-clad realtor's billboard emphasizes her assets and huge... tracts of land, looks to get a rise out of a stiffening market
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Wisconsin boy suspended after wearing dress to prom, dancing in sexually provocative manner
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Newlyweds sue hotel after traditional "tease the newlyweds" celebration leads to broken arm
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| (NBC5) |
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Residents of Henderson, NC disturbed to find a new 17-foot statue that features a woman's legs spread eagle on Welcome Avenue (with pic)
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| (Darwin Awards) |
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Theme: Darwinism at its best
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BWI to be renamed "Thurgood Marshall," to raise respect for the airport along with current major tenants Hooters Air, Airtran and Southwest
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Man sends 182,689 text messages a month. Sends messages about as often as he thinks about sex, can crush walnuts with his fingers
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Dave Chappelle checks into South African mental health facility due to people yelling "I'm Rick James, bitch!" at him all day
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| (WKYT) |
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911 tapes released detailing call made about drunken Kentucky man riding a horse, which apparently is a vehicle according to state law
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Senator's stolen fiberglass cow held for ransom, returned after Senator refuses to comply with demand for "a large box of Jujyfruits"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Students complain about how the new dress code effectively bans most of their wardrobe (pics)
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| (mediabistro.com) |
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Dennis Miller's CNBC show cancelled. Which kinda sucks since Drew was slated to go on the show in June. Insert inappropriate faux-intellectual obscure reference here
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Richard and Robert Sherman are the authors of the most-played song on Earth, and would like to apologize to some of you for that
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Pope Benedict XVI digs beer so much that he's having a German brewhäus ship 185 gallons of it to him. It's good to be the pope
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| Wed May 11, 2005 |
| (China View) |
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How many luring postures can you imagine? (SFW)
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| (Manila Times) |
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Proof of Fermat's last theorem found to be wrong -- 368 years and still going strong
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| (BBC via sploid) |
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Washington Times cartoonist depicts Pakistan as the U.S.'s dog. Pakistan flips out
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County Republican chairman sues over smear letter claiming he's been married six times. The correct number, he says, is five
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| (Some Squid) |
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What's long and hard and ready to photoshop? (SFW)
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| (Some Guy) |
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NY Times slants coverage of tax reform, gets busted by bloggers. Maybe
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| (WCVB) |
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Driver determines dump truck is safe to drive even though it's stuck in the "up" position. Hilarity ensues
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| (WCCO) |
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Seventy-year-old woman falls off balcony, drops nine stories, lands on canopy, gets up, yells "TA DA!"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Northern California Farkers: Fellow farker needs help in finding his kid brother. LGN, DIT
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Women pregnant with boys less forgetful than those carrying...
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CSI SFX artist quits show, starts making ultrarealistic prosthetics for wounded soldiers
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Fleeing car thief offers day-care attendant $2,000 to hide at center
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| (CBS 2 Chicago) |
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Street vendor gets mad after boy questions price of ice cream. Does sensible thing, punches him in the face
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| (WPVI.com) |
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Procrastinators Club of America has new presidents: Couple still hasn't come up with a name for their 18-month-old daughter
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Florida hurricane evacuations boosted Alabama's tourism revenue by $240 million, enough to buy every man, woman and child in the state five 18-packs of Miller Lite
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Newcastle Brown Ale may lose its name in EU legal battle
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| (Some Guy) |
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Theme: Car dealership ads for a new generation. Due June 3rd
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Your car is safe from computer viruses. Toasters, rubber ducky, trees also unaffected
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| (Real Spoilers R Boring) |
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Make up your own more interesting "Revenge of the Sith" spoilers
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| (Schneier) |
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"Papers, please." Federal driver's licenses pass 100-0
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| (Newsfilter.org) |
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Hollywood's latest Latin hottie, Rosario Dawson (NSFW)
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| (Stereogum) |
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Sammich alert goes out for Lindsay Lohan. (With sad, sad SFW pic)
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New flat-iron steak increasing in popularity among restaurants, conoisseurs, your dog
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| (LA Daily News) |
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Fortune cookies live up to their name as lucky numbers generate enough Powerball winners to launch a serious investigation. In other news, your local Chinese takeout has just been shut down for health-code violations
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Donkeys get lunch break as part of "employment rights." Your mule wants a siesta
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"All clear" follows brief evacuation of Capitol and White House
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Capitol Building, White House evacuated
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Don't make a car with vanity plates your getaway vehicle
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| (Ablogistan) |
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Media's obsession with missing, attractive white women is asinine
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PETA to send protester dressed as a bear to follow the queen around gun-slinging rural Alberta. What could possibly go wrong?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Anna Nicole Smith gets drunk, high and makes an ass of herself in Hollywood club. World gasps in shock, didn't expect that one. (with pic)
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| (wwmt.com) |
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Michigan passes anti-drive-by-porn legislation
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| (NY Daily News) |
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Giambi not (intentionally) going to Columbus. "I'll be here unless something happens"
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Eagles won't renegotiate Terrell Owens' contract. Gigantic cloud of sulk sighted coming in over Penn's Landing
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| (Rocky Mountain News) |
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People skipping work to go see "Revenge of the Sith" costs employers $627 million, according to Department of Made-Up Statistics Pulled out of My Ass
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"Sea of beer" shuts down major Canadian Highway
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Slave cabin discovered in Maryland. Developer plans to restore it and surround it with million-dollar homes
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop theme: A rose, a hose and a nose
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Vikings running back caught with "Whizzinator" kit for foiling drug tests. Tells police it's for cousin
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| (Rocky Mountain News) |
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Police rounding up pit bulls in Denver and taking them to be killed, per new law that outlaws the breed
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Despite 20 horses in the race and George Steinbrenner in attendance, Tara Reid turns out to be the biggest horse's ass at the Kentucky Derby
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| (LA Daily News) |
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Seven-foot eight-inch, 360-pound Chinese man could be high NBA draft pick this summer
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| (GM News) |
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Police trying to determine who, why, how the hell someone set a defenseless Port-a-Potty on fire
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Woman claims it rained shrimp; fires up the barbie and gets cocktail sauce
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Steroids don't matter if you can't hit the ball: Yankees consider demoting Jason Giambi to minors
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Gas-station owner bans customers after they complained about sex shop he opened in the garage
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| (wlbz2.com) |
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Moxie, the distinctively flavored soda that's bottled in New Hampshire, to be Maine's official soft drink
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Man enters electronics store, stuffs LCD TV under jacket, attempts to leave. When stopped, man explains he has to take TV or someone will kill his mother
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At the Canadian Air Guitar Championships, faux players ignore the crowd and shun the MC as they carefully adjust the pretend knobs on the pretend amps and tune their pretend guitars
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Stevie Wonder release video for the blind. Not to be outdone, Marcel Marceau releases audiobook for mimes
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Stray dog saves abandoned newborn baby, carries it across busy road, through barbed wire fence. Found nestling in shed with puppies
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Egyptians dig up Keith Richards, allow for one more Stones tour
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Morgan Freeman wins control of domain with his name in it; figured he'd better get busy bloggin' or get busy dyin'
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Riding on last week's success of curing the last disease known to man, Japanese scientists seek out best way to skip a stone
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| (GIS) |
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Photoshop theme: How to make bingo more exciting
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| Tue May 10, 2005 |
| (Some Guy) |
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Two pairs of beauties on one beautiful girl. Not safe for work
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War College to be closed. Apparently, War High School diploma is good enough
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The score is one to naught in the age-old rivalry between chainsaw-wielding motorist and Welsh speeding camera
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| (KIRO-TV) |
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Pink flamingo yard ornaments are returned. Candy bar ransom apparently didn't work
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| (via Wonkette) |
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God hates AT&T
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| (ZUG) |
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Mapquest has unreliable maps, but their phone support makes up for it: "Sir, you cannot leave your child in a bad neighborhood like that." ZUG: "I know. I panicked. This is all MapQuest's fault"
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Finger-in-chili woman has cheering section at arraignment
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Bush goes to Georgia and praises democracy. Confuses crowd when he promises to dispatch Charlie Daniels anytime the Devil shows up in their country
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WAKA WAKA WAKA: Pac Man turns 25, still paying alimony to former Mrs. Pac Man
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Oil jumps above $53 on news of power outage at U.S. refinery. CEO of ConocoPhilips last seen running from scene with wire cutters
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| (Some Guy) |
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President Bush, grenade fail to make impact in Georgia
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| (Kentucky.com) |
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Man blows .244 on the breathalyzer, gets arrested for drunk driving. On a horse
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| (Some Guy) |
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Have you hugged a TotalFarker today? Come see how cool TotalFark can be for a mere $5
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| (The Age) |
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Bored teenager forces open shipping container, is buried under an avalanche of peas. Cries of "peas, help me" alerts authorities
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| (This Is London) |
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Doctor tells patient with gallstones that she is a "big woman with big bosoms," then gives them a jiggle. Hilarity ensues
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| (Wisconsin Ag Connection) |
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Never mind the price of oil: The price of bacon has jumped $0.17 since March
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| (Hometown Annapolis) |
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Man writes bad check for bar tab. Bar puts mans name on sign out front. Man with same name doesnt find it funny. Hilarity ensues
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| (KTVU) |
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FedEx cargo plane air-delivers Pratt & Whitney jet engine parts to Danville, CA neighborhood, free of charge
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Groundbreaking survey reveals that older people are baffled by computer technology. Also concludes sky is blue
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New research reveals humans are smarter lying down than standing up. Paris Hilton unavailable for comment
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Woman pulls off trillion-to-one shot, hits second $1 million jackpot on same machine (with pic)
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| (Hollywood Reporter) |
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Kevin James to get $500,000 per episode to be fat, have reasonably hot wife on TV
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| (Local10) |
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TV weatherman who drove 200 miles to meet "14-year-old boy" for sex claims he was framed. Also, says squirt guns and condoms in his car were always there
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| (N.W. AR Times) |
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Viewing kiddie pron will get you arrested in AR. Getting caught by your roomate will get your computer thrown down the stairs and a busted lip. Wearing a diaper in the process will get you posted on Fark, hundreds of radio interviews
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LeBron James dumps agent and replaces him with high school buddy named "Maverick," despite warnings from George Gervin and Jack Givens
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Greenpeace found guilty of not protecting itself from paperwork
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Having gone far too long without making a jackass out of himself, Tom Green decides to release a rap album
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| (Someone's Foot) |
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Photoshop these bicyclists and disgruntled fan
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| (QSR Magazine) |
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Wendy's gives out free Frosties nationwide this coming weekend as a thank you for not believing that stupid, lawsuit-crazy biatch. (Paraphrased how they wish they could say it)
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| (woai) |
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Nickelodeon airs spot claiming Battle of the Alamo was fought so white farmers could keep their slaves
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Kentucky Derby favorite owned by George Steinbrenner won't compete in next two races. Duke sucks
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Archaeologists discover 2000-year-old shoe in UK, proving Brian did not die on the cross as previously thought
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| (Channel Cincinnati) |
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Relaxing whirlpool spa baths can make you sick due to the fecal matter that builds up. "I'll get in the tub, fill it up enough, turn the jets on and all this crap pours out of it"
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MSNBC political commentator apologizes after getting duped into thinking that Arnold Schwarzenegger wanted to destroy the moon
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Sandia engineers develop lightweight material that can handle 600-degree temps for extended periods. Applications include aircraft, drilling equipment, anti-chafe pants for Rosie O'Donnell
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Police chase ends when officers fire 95 shots into SUV. Driver was hospitalized with non-life-threatening injuries
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| (Some Guy) |
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German museum opens exhibition of flip books. Curiously, they all end with the stick man getting hit by the comet
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Irish fisherman hooks a great Jamaican Splifferfish, with a street value of $513,000
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Bertelsmann buys Columbia House for one penny, $400,000,000 for shipping/handling
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As pesticides prove ineffective on marauding insects, government moves to rarely used "Actually, the bugs are quite delicious" strategy
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| (WFTV) |
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Deputy sues Florida hospital after being injected with glitter
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VideoeEdit contest: Act out a Fark flamewar. Due May 20
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Rene Zellweger and Kenny Chesney get married. She thinks his tractor's sexy
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Europe's top court rules Greece has exclusive rights to call its cheese "feta"; also rules non-Greeks must pronounce gyro as "ji-ro"
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Jackson may not testify at his trial in an effort to prevent jurors from laughing at him hysterically
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Consumer Reports magazine rates diet plans: "Weight Watchers" edges out Anna Nichole Smith's "Crystal Meth the Flab Away" plan for No. 1 spot
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A year after the original ceremony was delayed while he faced domestic battery charges, James Brown unveils caped bronze statue of himself in Georgia, along with his former road manager the Rev. Al Sharpton. The Apocalypse is near
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Detroit Pistons offering $450,000 luxury suites that are in the basement and have no view of the court
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| (SEMO) |
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Suspect in bank robbery caught in four minutes. Bank located between police and sheriff's departments
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| (UK Channel Five) |
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Ron Jeremy, Flavor Flav, Italian pr0n star Cicciolina and a small, green duck to star in TV reality show set on a farm
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From the people who brought you the dog translator: A device to decipher babies' babbling. Your baby wants steak
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| (Press & Journal) |
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Only the Scottish executive would try to cut binge drinking amongst women by giving them T-shirts emblazoned with the slogan: "Mine's a Double"
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| (Local10) |
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Sixteen-year-old spring breaker falls in love with older man, takes up prostitution to support him. Ah, true love...
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| (Some Guy) |
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Today's Iron Photoshop ingredient: Wheels
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In a case of mistaken identity, Al-Qaeda's No. 3 man turns out to be the night janitor instead
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| (Malaysian Star) |
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Man says he only broke his marital vows once, but it was for a "female extraterrestrial of unusually robust build"
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Extortionist claiming to have a vial of foot-and-mouth disease threatens New Zealand
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New Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster goes so fast it causes a nosebleed
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Chicken crossing the road gets ticketed for jaywalking by California deputy. Answering the age old question...
|
| (Some Gal) |
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What you wish the guy on the other side of the monitor looked like (not safe for work)
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| (WTEV) |
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Last night's Heat-Wizards matchup was kicked off by Miami-Dade police department's bomb squad
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Rusty Wallace shows Tony Danza who the boss is at the annual "DayTony 500"
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| (timesonline.uk) |
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Ava Gardner states that Frank Sinatra had "110 pounds of cock"
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Farker chakalakasp goes tornado chasing. With pics
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these mysterious snowprints
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Studies show gay men get worked up over male pheromones. Women still need only two drinks to make out with each other
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Teacher about to lead students into discussion of whether abstract painting was meant to invoke a certain part of the male anatomy -- when her class was interrupted by the real thing
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Baseball seeing fewer home runs after steroid crackdown
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Protesters go topless during their protest about the safety of clothing
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| (NBCSandiego.com) |
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Police find dad passed out in back of burning car driven by nine-year-old son
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Yellowstone rated "high" for eruption threat -- EVERYBODY PANIC
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| Mon May 09, 2005 |
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Pam Anderson refuses to act in a scene with a chimp. Chimp retorts that at least he didn't act with Hasselhoff
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| (Macon Telegraph) |
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Q: How do you make soccer more interesting? A: Dog droids
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Police blame lazy slaughterhouse worker, not Satanists, for leaving severed goat heads in Canadian park. Park now full of hungry Norwegians
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Live Aid, fall of Berlin Wall ranked most memorable for Britons, followed closely by that one time the sun came out
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Pope John Paul II gets trading card, seven-figure deal with Yankees
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Student suspended for taking phone call from mom in Iraq allowed to return to classes
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| (whtm) |
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Man, 32, conducts his own panty raid at a local college. Jailarity insues
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Accused geese-stomper free on bail; claims constitutional protection because he was performing a WWII reenactment
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Angry citizens write in to give ideas on how to punish Runaway Bride. The Smoking Gun is there
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We've all, um, "massaged" a work timesheet or two, but asking to be paid for working 28 hours a day is a finesse best left to lawyers and lobbyists
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Light sabers -- is there anything they can't do? Photoshop other uses for light sabers
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Time travelers fail to show up at MIT event designed to give a specific time/place for future citizens to return. No one considers possibility that time travelers have better things to do than hang out at MIT
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 |
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You traitor. You shot my favorite TV show
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| (Great Falls Tribune) |
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If you're interviewing for a job, don't arrive in pajamas or make a pass at the interviewer
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| (Some Guy) |
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Where have all the boobies gone? Jill from AZ (not safe for work)
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Friends honor man who drowned by holding belly-flop contest at local tavern
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Woman discovers police don't need a search warrant for dead bodies they can see lying in a pool of blood in the doorway. Jailarity ensues (link fixed)
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"DrinkorDie" pirates go to jail. Johnny Depp surrenders
|
| (KXAN News) |
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"The owner of the home says that he'll never forget the morning his family had to be evacuated when a naked stranger came stomping across his roof"
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| (Delaware News Journal) |
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Student sues university after getting caught cheating on ethics test
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Man manages to lose $800,000-winning superfecta ticket for the Kentucky Derby. Found later where he left it
|
| (Arutz Sheva) |
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Israeli army accidentally fires artillery shell into Lebanon. Frantically searching for Hallmark card that apologizes for accidentally shelling a neighbor country
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Sacked teacher tells tribunal Prince Harry's teachers did his homework for him
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Man walking on beach calls emergency crews after being unable to tell the difference between "severed penis with testicles" and "seaweed"
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North Carolina woman fired for living in sin with boyfriend; turns out co-habitation is against state law
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Step 1: Name your website after the title of the new Stars Wars flick. Step 2: Write a few fake chapters of a book which cleverly contain said title. Step 3: Profit
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World's largest scavenger hunt wraps up at the University of Chicago. Winner drove 1,531 miles in a 58-hour sprint after finding, buying or doing all 283 items on the list
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Anti-abortion activist confides in Alan Colmes: "When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule"
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| (MS Works?) |
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Photoshop comical partnerships for Microsoft to enter into. (Difficulty: MSNBC already done)
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| (LancasterOnline.com) |
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Study finds traffic jams keep getting worse. Still no cure for cancer
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| (Allblacks.com) |
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All Blacks coach Grahm Henry continues to take the Kiwis down by letting standout Carlos Spencer slip away to England
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Woman claims vaginal cream fights facial wrinkles when used in conjunction with tuna-based diet
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Journalists find fish markets selling made-up species. Owners defend themselves, declaring that fugu is acronym for "Fish us, Gut us"
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Final price for Runaway Bride toast auction on eBay ends up at $15,400. Runaway high bidder calls from pay phone in New Mexico, claims he's been kidnapped, can't pay high bid
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Our top story tonight: Huge radioactive leak closes local nuclear plant. But first, let's go to Mark, who's got some Class 1A volleyball scores
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Astrological signs replace "Please wash me" pleas carved into the dust on the back of English cars. At least for Libra, Cancer, Pisces, Taurus and Capricorn, slobs who "research" finds are too lazy to clean them
|
| (Google) |
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Rejected company slogans
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| (Oh I wish I was a.....) |
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Theme: Rejected Oscar Mayer wiener jingles
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Sexologists "hunker down" in San Francisco hotel to swap stories about the freakiest of the freaky. Your dog wants a chastity belt
|
| (The Register-Guard) |
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Airlines say fliers eating up snack boxes. Still no substitute for a 12-inch BMT in your carry-on
|
| (Times Online) |
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If you live in England, your entire country is about to become encased in a block of ice
|
| (TIME Magazine) |
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Photoshop the latest Time magazine cover featuring Darth Vader
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 |
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New chilli sauce on sale today is so hot it could kill... and The Sun is there
|
| (Howstuffworks) |
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Halo: The Musical
|
| (NPR.org) |
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All things fhqwhgads: NPR profiles Homestar Runner
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DaimlerChrysler plant designates 80 percent of employee parking spaces for Chrysler vehicles only and forces workers to park away if they drive Fords or GMs
|
 |
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Nerds gather to debate the question of the ages: Which is better, Star Trek or Star Wars?
|
| (Some Guy) |
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"Smell cannon" developed to shoot smells. Taco Bell to sue for patent infringement
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| (Some Gal) |
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Cute guy in jeans (not safe for work)
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Military trying to figure out how to rein in hotdogging pilots before millions of dollars in metal gets turned into scrap
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| (Thisislondon) |
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Now that Londoners are used to the 24-hour camera surveillence of the entire city, government decides to turn up the volume
|
| (cincinnati.com) |
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Rate the "Star Wars" movies in order, with five being the best, one being the worst. Results to be published May 18
|
| (Some Guy) |
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New radio station format hailed as innovative for dropping personalities and actually playing music. Lazlow looking for a new job
|
| (matt#s) |
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Theme: Car dealership ads for a new generation. Due date: Thursday, May 19
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Activists arrested for attempting to steal briefcase that allows Bush to activate nuclear weapons
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NASA researchers hatch brilliant plan to provide power to a moonbase: Solar cells. Houston truly is "Space City, USA"
|
| (Some Drum Kit) |
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Virtual drum kit. Be Neil Peart. Go nuts. Impress your friends. Play some Skynyrd, man
|
| (Some Guy) |
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If you live by Sammy Hagar's song "I Can't Drive 55," then you might want to check out this site for a listing of speed traps in your area
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These are only a small percentage of links submitted. Join TotalFark to see them all! Link archives »
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