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| Sun February 20, 2005 |
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These are not the BMWs you are looking for
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A crew digging a well created a sink hole that's consuming a $250,000 home (w/pics)
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/\__/\__/\_ _/\_____________
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God tests our faith by planting two skulls in Ethiopia, which may be the oldest known human fossils, dating from the dawn of modern humanity 195,000 years ago
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With all of America's fighting force deployed in active-combat zones, bases no longer really a necessity
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Hiker caught in avalanche rides it down sliding on his back 1000 feet and suffers only minor injuries; soon to sign Mountain Dew advertising contract
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop these drinking buddies
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| (Some Guy) |
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New York food writer discovers the best pizza in America -- in Phoenix
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Americans rank presidents: Iran-Contra, blowjobs and war outrank freeing the slaves and being the father of the country
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Blockbuster being sued for "not late fees"; insists being charged for not returning something on time isn't a late fee
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| (Sunday Times) |
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Churchgoers will be ordered to pray for Camilla. It's good to be the Queen
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"Chirac and Schröder are running nations that, if they were American sitcoms, would be cancelled and sold to European TV networks where they'd run forever, dubbed and dumber"
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| (hamptonroads.com) |
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Professional disc golf vies for hockey audience. Yep, that's professional disc golfers
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| (Some Gal) |
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Hot guys in blue jeans (not safe for work)
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Roger Ebert's unwritten rules of the Oscars
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Jeff Gordon done won him some Daytona 500, y'all
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The Spineless Man's guide to dumping a girlfriend
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| (Stuff Online) |
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Your definitive guide to the great dive bars of the U.S.
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| (Boston Herald) |
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Having defeated the insurgency, U.S. soldiers in Iraq now have time to run speed traps
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| (Some Guy) |
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Woman, saved by lung transplant, later dies because lung was infected with rabies
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When a club owner refers to you as "too sleazy," it might be time to rethink your deicsion to be a stripper
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this quack
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| (Some Guy) |
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Paris Hilton in the news due to her phone/PDA getting hacked. Don't post any private info, but feel free to discuss
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| (Stuff Online) |
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The strangest stuff ever stolen
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Something stinks when parents claim no fault after child falls in septic tank
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| (JuneauEmpire) |
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Juneau, Alaska residents utter collective "uwaaaa?" when design for new capitol building are revealed. "Hard-boiled egg," "a spaceship," "a Slinky" among kinder thoughts
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| (Saudi Source) |
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After 22 years, man realizes his minty fresh farts were due to a toothbrush lodged in his stomach
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In the library, the Reagan library, the lion sleeps tonight
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| (Anchorage Daily News) |
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PETA: "We don't know the difference between Alaska and Alabama, but trust us, fish are smart and feel pain"
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Reproduction chart shows that two cats and their offspring, when allowed to breed for 10 years, will produce 80,399,780 cats. In possibly related news, PuPu platters half price this week
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| (SunTimes) |
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I ran for President -- because I got high. I never knew just what that meant -- because I was high. Now Dick Cheney's in charge, and I know why. Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high
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Women in the latter part of their menstrual cycle have a preference for people who look healthier, particularly when the healthy people are holding chocolate
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| (webindia123.com) |
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Gwen Stefani receives two sacks of potatoes as a Valentine's gift from her husband
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Majority of Japanese high school girls regret having sex, survey says
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Man puts ad in paper to sell 42" plasma TV, dismayed when potential buyers end up robbing him for it
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Former wife of Sean Connery causes stir at Australian airport when officials note that her luggage is buzzing violently. Official story is that it was an "electric toothbrush"
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| (Some Guy) |
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Hot chicks giving you a rough time at the office? Choke one off in the bathroom, this eDiets doc says
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Volunteer untangling ugly orange sheets with tennis-ball tipped pole saves two drowning dogs. Yes, ladies, he's single
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Three hundred inmates escape from Haitian National Penitentiary. Unfortunately for them, they're still in Haiti
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Two women plan to ski across Arctic. Cue helicopter rescue in five, four, three, two...
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Whales use singing to map the ocean; still think they should have taken that left at Greenland
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Soldiers admitted to military hospital after being forced to eat plastic explosives. Victims say the explosive indigestion is still not worse than eating at Taco Bell
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Police are holding lost ear, looking for person whose glasses keep falling off
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Sudden surge in demand for toilet paper in China. Apparently, everyone just held it in until now
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| (Some Guy) |
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Just what does Chris Berman do when the football season is over?
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Couple sets Guinness World Record with 81st wedding aniversary. Too bad nobody noticed until 114 years after the fact
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Broadway musicals effective at tapping adolescent female audience, something that rock bands have been doing for 50 years
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| (OnePhatKatt) |
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Today's "Idiot thieves busted by leaving tracks in the snow" brought to you by Mishawaka, IN
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Mistakenly freed inmate calls prison to say he'll be right back
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Man finds wallet and other belongings of "Alive" survivor, pictures of Nicole Kidman, naked men included
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| (wfsb) |
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♫ Super Catholic rev of Mystic axed for sex precocious ♫ and you know the cause of it ♫ is something quite atrocious ♫
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| (Strolling Rhone) |
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Johnny Carson "I didn't think Chevy Chase could ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner."
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German thief falls asleep, screwdriver in hand, while trying to steal radio from car
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NASA announces next shuttle launch. In case of emergency, do not use the space elevator
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| (ChessBase) |
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Grandmaster chess action shots. No really
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Tallest elevator may reach into space; some bastard kid bound to press all the buttons
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| (Free Internet Press) |
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Star quake rocks milky way galaxy; vipers and ensign Crusher are on alert
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| Sat February 19, 2005 |
| (Some guy with extra CPU cycles) |
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Old and Busted: Seti@home New Hotness: Einstein@Home
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this drunken god
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Crowe cranky. Condemns Clooney commercials. Clooney claims Crowe crappy crooner
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Storms threaten more California Mudslides. Fate of Long Island Ice Teas, Manhattans and Cape Cods still unknown
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| (NY Daily News) |
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NYC mayor says those who are peeved about broken toilets in schools can go flush themselves
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| (Some Guy) |
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Most stressful cities list released. New York honks, waves fist at Vegas, tells it to "Learn to drive, moron!"
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Young Alia, sister of Muad'Dib, makes an appearance in Iraq
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Dutch man kills his mother and wears her skin as a cloak. Apparently, he didn't mind having mom on his back all the time
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| (Frank) |
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World of Warcraft Fark guild looking for members
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"Most people would expect a huge bill to create an S&M dungeon, but you'd be amazed just how cheap it is"
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| (Agape Press) |
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Hate crimes charges against Christians witnessing at a gay event in Philadelphia are dropped
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Anorexia bracelets reveal secret society, but pointy knees are dead give-away
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Thousands flee Congo due to plague ou... *thud*
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Doctors remove baby's "second head." With scary pics and smiling, blinking action
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| (Marksprojects.com) |
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Guy builds wearable Transformer costumes that actually transform. Tron Guy waves his fist in impotent rage
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| (Some Guy) |
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AudioEdit a drive-thru order at a fast-food joint gone wrong
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Woman shot with taser now terrified of police
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Dubya once mistaken for a Scottish boy while giving a sheep a ride on a bicycle. Has also been mistaken for world leader while choking on pretzels, falling off Segways
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| (Some Guy) |
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The British are responsible for downloading the most TV shows online
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Lindsay Lohan's career crashes and burns, erm... dad's car crashes and burns
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A good cup of tea makes stronger health
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Florida NAACP trying to outlaw bongs. Fortunately, no movement to ban joints and roaches
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Woman surprised that whipping out her breast in public would become an international incident
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| (World Net Daily) |
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"Mouthy" customer at airline ticket office gets luggage blown up
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| (Some Guy) |
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Pepsi trucks -- they're not just for P-Diddy anymore
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Religious, historical "experts" hold mock trial to disprove "The Da Vinci Code." The novel is full of outlandish ideas, unlike that book about a talking serpent, a great flood and the parting of the Red Sea
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| (BostonHerald.com) |
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MLB pinch hits for scalpers -- $33,075 for a suite at the NBA All-Star Game ensues
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| (CBS4) |
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Medical-marijuana advocates apply for organic agriculture certification, fail to realize something grown in a lab is not technically organic
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| (Bozeman Daily Chronicle) |
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Two Montana State students are charged with felonies after shooting marbles at people with their slingshot
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USS Jimmy Carter is the most heavily armed U.S. submarine ever built. Will join the USS Walter Mondale on laundry duty
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| (Some Guy) |
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Washington State looking for giant shrink-wrap machine to keep bodies "just dead" fresh
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Expert on crack-smoking monkeys testifies at Robert Blake murder trial. No, really
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X-E covers the strangest Star Wars items evar
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NHL "game on" rumors unfounded, but both sides back to negotiations later today
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| (Special Broadcast News) |
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Aussie dogs licking toads and getting high. Your dog is the Lizard King
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North Korea, acting more and more like a psycho hose beast, changes mind and sort of agrees to get six-party talks back on track
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Theme: Invent a "Fark" product. Link goes to one of Drew's recent Ebay finds
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Hydrogen-powered bus ready to transport Orlando's methane-powered retirees
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Tickets to South Carolina basketball game: $15. Storming the court after Gamecocks beat Kentucky: Price... er, $5000
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Northern Territories (Australia) politician calls New Bruce a poofter
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Nude Manhattan diners can have on anything they want, as long as it's cheese
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| Fri February 18, 2005 |
| (abc25.com) |
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Man upset because police woke him up to tell him he was the subject of a standoff
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| (The Hockey News) |
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"Game on rumor" -- NHL players, owners agree to $45-million cap. Season to be uncanceled tomorrow
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New "Feel your Boobies" breast cancer awareness campaign hits the streets. No, really
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| (10 San Diego) |
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Duke's losing streak could be attributed to a number of things, sucking being at the top of the list
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Having solved all other problems in Judaism, rabbi rules that spitting gum violates Jewish law. Circumcision by mouth still okay
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"Lincoln fry" from Super Bowl ad sells for more than Virgin Mary grilled cheese. And you'll never guess who had the winning bid. Unfortunately, the name will not change to the Fark.com UFIA Lincoln Fry, even though the acronym fits
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Police surprised to discover $5 million in cash driving big-rig
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| (Bored chick at work) |
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One hundred ways to order a pizza
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Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mm -- Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mm
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Man falls asleep on couch with lit cigarette, wakes up with $100,000 in property damage
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| (Defamer) |
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After a test screening of Lindsay Lohan's new movie "Herbie: Fully Loaded," it was decided that producers would have to digitally reduce Lindsay's breasts as they were a little too fully loaded themselves for a Disney movie. (First story
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Just what the tsunami victims needed: Fur coats, wigs and thong underwear. Greek church charity has it's finger on the pulse
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Theme: Unconventional techniques for quitting smoking
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| (Ephitat) |
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R.I.P. Write your epitaph as though your whole life revolved around getting a submission greenlit on Fark
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Reality show will document 800-pound sumo wrestler Manny Yarbrough's journey down to a svelte 550
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Arizona basketball team throws temper tantrum during halftime -- for leading game by seven points. "Everybody was mad at halftime. Guys were kicking stuff, hitting the wall, cursing. But sometimes you need to get that out''
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Deadbeat dad nabbed at Daytona Speedway. Figured he'd blend in
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Drew becomes the first person to say UFIA on a major TV network. Here comes the transcript
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| (TurnTo10.com) |
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Ugly-ass baby elephant born on Valentine's Day makes debut (with video)
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| (NBC4i) |
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State patrolmen held hostage by wild turkey (with video and pics)
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| (Daily Express) |
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Crazed sex maniac steals metric assload of condoms
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The Smoking Gun publishes 805 pages of Jackson trial testimony
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New instant 3D camera will most likely be used for law enforcement purposes, and by law enforcement purposes we mean porn
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Man throws cigarette out driver's side window of Ford Expedition. Cigarette re-enters through Ford Expedition's rear window. The 2005 Ford Blazer is invented
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It's now OK for an Illinois racehorse to have "a little" cocaine in its system
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| (Contact Music) |
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Irish-born actor Liam Neeson claims he doesn't have a drinking problem. Scientists to study "non-drinking Irish actor" right after Big Foot, Tooth Fairy
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Scientists debate revoking Pluto's status as a planet. Renaming Earth "Goofy," while obvious, still up in the air
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Two women file lawsuit contending they were forced to flash Koko the Gorilla. In other news, Koko is getting more action than you
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NASCAR chassis expert Eddie Dickerson gets fired after being caught on a Florida highway wearing nothing but a towel. He was charged with disorderly intoxication
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George Clooney make girlfirend promise to pledge that they'll think about getting engaged just as soon as they're ready to make a commitment. Meanwhile it's back to the nudie bar
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| (WBAL) |
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Woman fishes lotto ticket from trash, wins $100,000
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Woman, convicted of killing her husband, is given a jail sentence of five minutes
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Man on death row orders beefsteak, fried chicken, barbecued ribs, two hamburgers, pound of fried bacon, dozen scrambled eggs, french fries, onion rings, salad (ranch dressing), peach cobbler, iced tea, milk and coffee as last meal
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| (KSTP) |
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Crack news team discovers what you already knew but would rather not think about: People love gettin' freaky with the hotel remote
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Basketball player with Tourette's has excuse from refs to have outburts and make obscene gestures. In other news, many NBA players suddenly diagnosed with Tourette's
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Young morons who learned what they know about relationships from reality shows can now take "Relationship 101" class in college
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For generations, British children have been pelting each other with smartie tube cannons (eat contents, put lid on, bash tube, lid flies off at speed). Now Nestlé is out to ruin their fun
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Teacher loses 13 pounds on an all-McDonald's diet, tells students "Don't believe everything you see in the movies"
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Monkeys at University of Pittsburgh move robotic arm with brain: Feed selves, throw poo, push dynamite detonator
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| (Bad Astronomy) |
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Evidence of life on Mars turns out to be a hoax
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Lexus says that the touted virus vulnerability in their onboard computers is, much like their cars, overhyped crap
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Theme: What does "JKLS" stand for? Link goes nowhere
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| (Manteca Bulletin) |
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Police apprehend man with no pants after 100-mph chase that ended with the pantless suspect falling off a roof
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In this, the mother of all slow news weeks, MSNBC picks up on the fat lip-syching kid video
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| (KYW1060) |
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No charges to be filed against Bill Cosby. "Insufficient credible and admissible evidence exists"
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| (BoingBoing) |
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In an effort to make Everquest nerds fatter and lazier, gamers can now order pizza directly from the game
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20p bet wins lucky punter £742,000
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Man who parked his car on train tracks and caused that deadly derailment wasn't suicidal after all. Police say his intentions were simply to "cause a horrible tragedy"
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Shill sports announcers *celebrated* with "Homer Call of the Year" (with audio)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Train-station computer in Germany fails. Will cost €3 million to replace. The failed computer was a C64
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Ugly-ass baby pygmy hippo named after ugly-ass circumnavigator
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| (RockBottom.com) |
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Milwaukee party reminder: 8:00 pm, Friday the 18th, at the Rock Bottom Brewery. Ummmmm, microbrew
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| (NewsNet5) |
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Low-stakes standoff ends peacefully after SWAT team takes man into custody for threatening to harm the family pets
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| (Blisskitchen) |
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Reminder: Albuquerque Fark party this Saturday at 4:00 pm. DIT
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this girl about to be attacked by seagulls
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Take a look at how Warner Bros. is planning on completing the bastardization of your childhood: The new and improved Bugs Bunny for today's kid
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Remember when the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition was best reason to have a subscritpion to SI, and was a great part of the year? Well now no one cares because of internet porn
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| (pilotonline.com) |
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Thousands of gallons of pork grease spills onto highway. Route 460 is no longer kosher
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| (Some Guy) |
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Drew to speak in Cleveland at Notacon, April 8-10. Organizer/Farker Froggy tells hotel bar to quadruple its usual keg count
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| (the Superficial) |
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Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Marisa Miller -- minus the Sports Illustrated swimsuit (not safe for work)
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| Thu February 17, 2005 |
| (Roger Ebert) |
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Roger Ebert reviews classic porn from yesteryear. In other news, Roger Ebert watches classic porn from yesteryear. Ewwwww...
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Sweaterboy tries a new defense: It was "bidding," not "betting" on the NCAA tournament. No word on what his definition of "is" is
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After the Red Sox won the World Series in 1918 the following season's Stanley Cup playoffs were canceled
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If you thought the NBA sucked before, wait until you try to watch it sober
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Now that the NHL is kaput for the season, CBS Sports plans to bring you wonderful programs such as men pulling buses, dog shows and poker
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Yankees trying to find missing relief pitcher, sense of pride
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| (Local 10) |
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Study concludes what men have known forever: Nagging women live longer
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| (Monterey Herald) |
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China says that it's mad at Japan for killing hundreds of thousands of men, women and children during World War II. Japan says it's mad at China because of inadequate security at soccer matches
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Photoshop Bellagio, the winning Neopolitan Mastiff from the Westminster Dog Show
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Famed New York City hawks pull a Paris Hilton, seen mating all around Fifth Avenue
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| (Some Guy) |
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Soccer? Sure wouldn't mind (not safe for work)
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Scientists invent "robot toddler" that learns to walk like a toddler. Unclear whether additional features will include constantly wanting attention and screaming every five minutes
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| (NBC) |
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Amtrak train plows through semi full of strawberries, caught on tape
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Fart-sounding shoes cause big legal stink
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| (11Alive.com) |
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Just like Lance Armstrong, lottery admits to being one ball short during a recent drawing. Let the lawsuits begin
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Man who tied a string around his weener to avoid going to the bathroom will now be facing surgery to repair the damage
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Prince Charles to get married in town hall because licensing the barn would cause too much disruption
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| (The Star Online) |
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"Constantine" deemed unsuitable for public viewing in Brunei. Public beheadings still A-OK
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Arizona man who drove his Hummer into a flooded wash will be the first person prosecuted under the state's "stupid motorist" laws
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U.S. troops given X for combat stress, told to get their freak on
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Computer glitch affects UK airports. Length of time to fix it measured in alcoholic beverages
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Checking out a "suspicious device" is the new FBI code word for going on a beer run
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| (Catholic News Service) |
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Exorcist says that most people who think they are possessed by the devil really are not
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| (Boston Herald) |
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Police seek man who robbed a half-dozen Dunkin' Donuts shops. This one's personal
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The top 10 most useless limbs in the animal kingdom -- No. 4: Dandelion weeners. Animal kingdom?
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Bush tells Syria to remove troops, adhere to UN resolutions and stop influencing other countries with military power
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Man sets up meeting with beautiful woman he met on the Internet. Man thrilled to end up naked only minutes after meeting her, dismayed that it's only part of the robbery process
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Meat recalled after company learns that hydraulic fluid is not "natural flavoring"
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| (Cambridge-News) |
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Asshat burgles house, steals computer, but not before computer with active webcam uploads his mugshot. Jailarity ensues (with pics)
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| (720thevoice.com) |
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Landlord evicts tenants by setting off tear-gas grenades
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| (Albany Times Union) |
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Girl who wears red, white and blue necklace to honor her uncle serving in Iraq faces school suspension because the colors could be considered gang-related
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| (Flying Babies from Florida) |
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Multiple men claim to be "tossed" child's father
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Hotels offer in-room fitness, meaning there's a good chance that someone in your meeting was doing naked jumping jacks at 6:00 this morning
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Strip club defeats anti-nudity ordinance with pencils and paper... but the penis mightier
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| (Contact Music) |
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Travolta: "If an employee gets it wrong I get a little anal"
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Englishman will attempt to cook world's largest bag of chips. With 2500 pounds of potatoes and 33 pounds of salt. Kirstie Alley on flight standby at LaGuardia
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Flatulence found on Mars. Scientists rejoice, blame it on dog
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MTV asks school board for permission to film high school prank. School board tells MTV to go away, stop sucking
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| (Island Packet) |
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Man, 28, arrested after posing as Enrique Iglesias to pick up 14-year-old girl in Kmart. Unclear if police arrested him for enticement of a minor or simply posing as Enrique Iglesias
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this parallel landing
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Nashville: Where an assault victim's lawyer can say things like "It's a shame he didn't get a good lick in himself" with a straight face
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| (Newsday) |
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NYC's slogan: "Big Apple"? No, "America's Second Home.". The one that you don't want to be in 12 months of the year
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| (This is London) |
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Why men fall asleep after sex. Here comes the science -- yep, we've got science to back us up
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Murdering carnie dismisses defense lawyers, asks for death penalty. Judge: "This is not going to turn into a circus"
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Chicago Fark Party date set for Friday, March 11th, at the John Barleycorn in Wrigleyville. NOT Lincoln Park
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Junior high students suspended after being caught holding Fight Club. Obviously broke the first two rules of Fight Club
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Teacher demonstrates the art of bomb making to chemistry class. Emphasizes use of electric detonator to stay clear from blast
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Woman given her discharge papers overstays hospital visit by a year
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| (Jolly taxpayer (cat)) |
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Vancouver Fark Party... Friday March 4th, 8pm, Jolly Taxpayer. Who's up for a brew?
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Dr. Crick's first DNA doodle released to public. Observers note its extraordinary detail, and that he must have had corn for lunch
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Man arrested while amusing passers-by in his imaginary Ferrari
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this shepp
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Today's "toll-free road conditions phone number directing people to phone-sex line" story brought to you by British Columbia
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| Wed February 16, 2005 |
| (Pitt Channel) |
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Chicago restaurant will cook remains of the Bartman Ball into a spaghetti sauce next week, then serve it to deluded Cub fans who think it will be an adequate substitute for decent relief pitching
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Congress votes to "stiffen" fines for indecency. Uh huh huh uh huh
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| (New York Metro) |
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New York liberals forced to face the shocking, soul-sucking horror of Bush being right
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| (WBA) |
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Maryland approves biology textbook without creationism. Also examining geography textbooks without Atlantis, physics textbook without ESP
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George Michael says goodbye to the pop world -- 15 years after it said goodbye to him
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Ex-University of Washingon football coach testifies in his wrongful termination suit against UW that they "never told him it was wrong to lie"
|
| (Some Guy) |
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Theme: Really unscary horror movies
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| (Some Guy) |
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Amid jeers from the reality show crowd, Jeff declares national Take Your Dice to Work Day tomorrow
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Having had previous success with their "F*ck for the Forrest" campaign, Norway town of "Gloppen" encourages hot monkey love to raise the local population
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| (Newsfilter.org) |
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Smokin' hot, tatooed Latina Natalia Cruze (not safe for work)
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German shorthaired pointer named Carlee became America's top dog last night. Celebrated with friends by sniffing each other's butts and looking for bitches
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Pope's new book -- titled "Don't Close That Lid, I'm Not Dead Yet" -- to go on sale in Italy next week
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| (NBC San Diego) |
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Woman sets unwanted dog on fire, who turns around and burns down her house, kills her kids. Bad dog trifecta complete
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Dog burns down kitchen jumping up on stove to eat food in skillet. Bad dog trifecta is now in play
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Pregnant woman holding Ebay auction for ad space on her tummy decides to ignore high bidder, instead goes with Golden Palace Casino. Lawsuitarity ensues
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Cardboard standups of George Bush and Jack Daniel's bottle stolen. Rug left alone because it ties the whole room together
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| (Floridatoday.com) |
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Officer shoots disabled man with taser at theme park. The sign clearly said you had to be this tall to ride the ride
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Photoshop some new names for the Fleet Center. Feel free to use ones from Tuesday's caption thread. Good ones may appear on CNN Friday morning
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If you're not reading Turkey's Yeni Safak, how else can you find out that Israeli troops are in Iraq, U.S. used chemical weapons in Fallujah, and "U.S. forces have been harvesting the innards of dead Iraqis for sale on the U.S. 'organ mar
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Manager of the Red Sox gets into car accident while on phone with radio station
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Deep Throat illness offers new clues to identity
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| (WTKR) |
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Postman busted with 2000 pieces of undelivered mail in his home. Postal inspector admits, "It's not uncommon for temporary mail carriers to find the holiday workload daunting and stash the mail rather than return it in the evening"
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| (Femalefirst.co.uk) |
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Twelve nuns aged 22-31 went on a sex and booze bender. Amazingly this happened in real life, not on Cinemax. At least this week
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Russia does not need USA's help in building democracy
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Church of England debating whether to allow female bishops. Critics say move won't help women to move forward, only diagonally
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| (jmsnews) |
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J. Michael Straczynski changes his mind. Paramount to spare world of another Trek series
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Jeff Gannon isn't the first administration shill in press conferences
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| (Turkish Press) |
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Lance "One Nut" Armstrong to race in Tour de France this summer
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| (Las Vegas Sun) |
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In another blatant case of "Do as we say, not as we do," NORAD may begin to point lasers at pilots to "warn them"; lead them to gay discos
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Looney Tunes get "re-imagined" into Loonatics, pilot spaceship in year 2772 and possess special crime-fighting powers. Buzz Bunny knew he shoulda taken that left turn at the Albequerque system
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Motley Crüe auditioning midgets, contortionists and strange animals to be part of new tour. In other news, Viagra, Metamucil and Geritol auditioning to sponsor tour
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Producers of television show called "101 Embarassing Sexual Accidents" deny link between their show and a girl who died trying autoerotic asphyxiation immediately after the show aired
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Kid Rock arrested on assault charges
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| (weht.com) |
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The "Show Me" state ranks most sexually adventurous. In other news, there's nothing else to do in Missouri
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J. Michael Straczynski appeals to fans to petition Paramount for a new Star Trek series that doesn't suck
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Sudden death overtime. Rich People: 1, Hockey Fans: 0
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| (The Journal Times) |
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New Hampshire has the highest rate of pot smoking in the U.S. A good clue is that the New Hampshire state bird is a pizza
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Clothing designer advocates abstinence on panties. "If you can read this, this is as far as you get"
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Teacher busted for distributing a photo of his female student photoshopped to make her look nude. Might have been cooler if he was a college professor and not a grade school teacher
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Plane briefly doubles as incompetent roofing company
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| (Sanluisobispo.com) |
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Dog fetches bag of pot, returns to owner in presence of police officer. Bad dog
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The Tennesseean wants your worst prom pictures
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| (Local10) |
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Jailers settle lawsuit with women who say they were unnecessarily strip-searched, told to squat, hop around like bunnies
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Theme: Decorate other places around the world with orange curtains
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| (NewsChannel5) |
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Arrest warrant Issued for Kid Rock in Nashville for assaulting strip club's DJ
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Panda poo proves pandas push periphery perimeter for progeny prosperity
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| (eircom.net) |
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Missile that was fired at nuclear facility but may have just been a fuel tank falling from an airplane didn't happen at all
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Judge finds breast-fondling priest not guilty because it was "a religious practice." New converts increase 500 percent
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Police request that if you lost $80,000 cash in a duffel bag, please come to the police station so they can return your empty bag to you
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| (Gawker) |
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Kevin Federline self-medicates his way through his honeymoon
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The FDA is creating a Drug Safety Board. What they've been doing for the last five decades still unclear
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| (Daily Targum) |
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NJ may add "using credit cards" to the list of things people can't do until turning 21
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Falling fuel tank may have caused explosion in Iran
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UK cops use invisible ID-encoded paint that rubs off on would-be burglars and turns them green. Thieves Guild files complaint with DM about new +5 bonus to all victims' saving throws
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| (Florida) |
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What is this trooper telling driver of the pulled-over vehicle?
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Missile fired on Iran noocueler facility by unknown plane
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Iran and Syria combine, form Voltron
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Fossil of "the mother of all tarantulas" turns out to be a common water scorpion."Ladies and gentlemen, we already got one of those"
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The Kyoto Global Warming Pact was effective at 0001EDT this morning. "Effective being" a relative term
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Stupid criminal steals GPS tracking device for prisoners
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| (Amazon) |
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Amazon premieres "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" trailer. Your dog wants a towel
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Police chief awakens to stranger playing Beethoven on his piano
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Scientist invents musical condom that plays music louder as boinking gets more furious
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| (Some Foreign Guy) |
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Photoshop what's going in and coming out. Difficulty: No sausage
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| (Gawker) |
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Gawker says Fark should rename Fleet the F*ckCenter
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| (Hannity.com) |
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Help name Sean Hannity's dog
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ESPN's college football clown prince Lee Corso freaks out on Dallas radio show after innocent ribbing from host
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Proof that money can't buy taste as picture of dogs playing poker sells for $600,0000
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AudioEdit a pilot saying something you never want to hear a pilot say
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Lawsuit claims "Grand Theft Auto" led teen to kill two officers and dispatcher
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| (betanews) |
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BIl Gates makes Denmark an offer they cannot refuse
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| Tue February 15, 2005 |
| (DoD News) |
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Navy to commission attack submarine named after Jimmy Carter. Inside sources reveal plans include killer rabbit detecting sonar and revolutionary peanut shape designed to avoid detection
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Drugs smuggled over the border in car batteries. Feds break it up with Operation Jump Start. Somewhere, in some federal building, some guy in charge of naming operations is thinking, "Dude. I roXXor"
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| (wdsu) |
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Woman ticketed for throwing obscene rap cassettes from Mardi Gras float
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| (S'o'me guy) |
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Photoshop this freeze
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High school senior puts on gorilla mask, climbs to roof of school. School lockdown and criminal charges ensue
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Twin cyclones could come together in south Pacific, form "perfect storm." George Clooney surrenders
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Hip, with-it Britons apparently must be protected from prudish American broadcast TV dialogue, like "Welcome to the OC, bitch"
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Because somebody, somewhere must have been clamoring for it: Engelbert Humperdinck will tell all in his new autobiography
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Internet sale leads to West Texas land boom. Local official: "We advise them there is nothing out there"
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Denver Post picks up on the Fark.com Fleet Center naming rights story
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Woman who drove around loaded on Listerine gets probation. Judge, impressed by her minty-fresh breath, decides against jail term
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Valentine's Day balloon causes electrical outage to more than 2,100 homes and businesses
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| (Rolling Stone) |
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Forty thousand troops in Iraq have been informed that their enlistment has been extended until December 24th, 2031
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Dear Penthouse: When my travel agent said I was going to have a layover in Manchester, I never expected this...
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| (The Superficial) |
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Looks like Britney's on the Kirstie Alley meal plan (sfw)
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| (FemaleFirst) |
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Drea de Matteo talks about her lesbian hook-ups. "Every now and then -- well I can't say I've never been with a woman"
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Has the NHL season been saved at the last second? Will there be NHL hockey at the Fark.com Duke Sucks Center in two weeks?
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Jenna Elfman's career slump has warped her mind as she tells interviewer that it is her job to "clear the planet" of aliens that inhabit the Earth
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Phase 1: Drudge posts story about Chris Rock bashing Oscars and gays. Phase 2: ? Phase 3: Media outrage
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In an effort to make laptops more secure, Hitachi will release a laptop with no hard drive. To reboot, you simply turn it upside down and shake it
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Germany's economy goes into reverse, but only after pushing the shift knob down, then over
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| (Defamer) |
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Matt Drudge in a double entendre cock up over Chris Rock's comments about gays
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| (CNN/SI) |
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The swimsuit edition, with Jenny Finch and Amanda Beard in bikinis as well (safe for work)
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Fark.com bought the naming rights for the Fleet Center on Feb 28th. Need suggestions for what to name it. Difficulty: "Fark.com Duke Sucks Center" has already been rejected. Contest ends 5 pm EST today
|
| (Some Guy in Michigan) |
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Photoshop this Michigan Dairy Queen
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Irish police clamp ambulance waiting for injured man at Dublin airport, and force drivers to pay cash before releasing it
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Japanese brewers increasingly making money from beer-flavored drinks rather than beer itself
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| (Swift Reports) |
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Rash of recent aircraft laser incidents blamed on gay nightclubs
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Get ready for the Fark.com Duke Sucks Center
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Scientists come up with partial explanation for deja vu
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Lindsay Lohan doll available in stores soon, but only after manufacturer finds method to extend shelf life beyond three months
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Drudge reporting Michael Jackson in emergency room, lawyer says "Very very ill"
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Frank is dead. Toby still about $35,000 short
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Former city employee busted for stealing $100 worth of women's underwear and some fake roses
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White House refusing to pay American POWs tortured by Saddam during the 1991 Gulf War from a $1 billion settlement already awarded from lawsuit filed in 2002. Claims Iraq isn't bad anymore, therefore they shouldn't get any money
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| (The Iowa Channel) |
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Reba McEntire concerts do not qualify as medical expenses
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| (Science Blog) |
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Scientists create "obedient virus." Unclear if it responds to demands such as "Make this damn fever go away" or "Stop hammering on the inside of my skull already"
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Penis enlargement company gets sued by man with small penis
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Orlando Magic proposal rejection was a hoax sponsored by the basketball team itself. Shaq's "Kazaam" still very real, though
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Followup from The Daily Show: The "Guns in Bars" bill is back in AZ
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Couple goes on vacation, blasts cock over loudspeaker at 2:00 am to wake up neighbors every morning while they're gone
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In their latest attempt to ensure their customers can't understand WTF the CSR is saying, Dell to create new tech support call center in Scotland
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| (Abe Vigoda) |
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Fark and Firefox accused of killing Abe Vigoda
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Three-decade study suggests that flu shots have not saved even one elderly person from death
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| (Jakarta Post) |
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Indonesian civil servants ordered to speak Sundanese on Fridays, fined $0.10 per mispronounced or misused word
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Kids face WWII-style candy rationing in South London; will also be taught "Hitler Has Only Got One Ball" song
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Germany plans soccer commentary for blind people, thus eliminating one of the perks of being blind
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop the fighting children
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High school students hold human-domino demonstration after schoolbag gets caught at bottom of escalator
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In effort to save $250,000 this year, Michigan to cut free coffee for inmates
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State governments consider new taxes that punish hybrid-car drivers for using too little gasoline
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If you're going to vandalize your boss's house, don't broadcast it live on the radio
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| (The Dispatch) |
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Couple who met during WWII to wed this Friday after 60 years apart
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| (StatenIslandAdvance) |
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Today's "druggie drops his stash right in front of police" story brought to you by the Staten Island Railway
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Want a career in identity theft? Just call up Choicepoint and buy all the personal data you need. Choicepoint apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause
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| (wtvo.com) |
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Drunk homeowner whips out pistol from rear waistband to scare off coyotes... if "whips out pistol" actually means "shoots himself right in the ass"
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Wild turkey flock moves to town in time for world's largest turkey barbecue
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| (Some Guy) |
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Milwaukee Brewers plan ticket-pricing strategy that roughly translates to jacking up the prices whenever anyone good shows up
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this fountain in Trafalgar Square
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Bowling legend Dick Weber dies at 75. He'll be remembered from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo, and up to Pismo
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| (Some Guy) |
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SkyTeam, seeking Chinese partner for global network, unveils plans for #1 Super Tasty Goody Aerospace Collective
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| Mon February 14, 2005 |
| (Some Guy) |
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Some computer geek warns against jumping on the Firefox bandwagon
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Anti-union Wal-Mart decides to build on former GM land, right next to UAW union hall. What could possibly go wrong?
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Mayor announces that people who've sued the city are now blacklisted from doing business with the city. Of course, that prompts another lawsuit
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Today's "wild boar rampaging through someone's home and biting off their pinky finger" story brought to you by Kodama, Japan
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| (RRBBS) |
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The best way to get out of jury duty: Make certain that the accused is on trial for killing you
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Blind student develops software that turns colours into musical notes. Brown sounds like much of the Top 40
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Hungry man holds up store, demands sushi
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| (IOL) |
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North Wales rocked by earthquake. Experts immediately rule out "Tom Jones dropping his knickers collection" as possible cause
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| (E Online) |
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Nicolette Sheridan sends her sushi back to kitchen; gets banned for life
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In effort to end civil war in Colombia, Britain calls upon its addicts to boycott "unethical" cocaine
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"Come down off that smokestack and eat your The Chekt"
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Think you have cancer? Get the results before commiting suicide
|
| (Intl-news) |
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Three-year-old becomes youngest Mensa member. Steven Hawking says, "Yeah, but who has the biggest diaper?"
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Ancient Christianity riddled with humor and clever wordplay. Umberto Eco surrenders
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Britney Spears, Paris Hilton get into fight over whose bitches are better dressed. Strangely, Kevin Federline didn't make the list
|
| (wavy.com) |
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Mr. Peanut: The cane-carrying symbol of peanuts. And now vehicle registration
|
| (Some ICBMs) |
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It's hard to imagine a typing skill game that involves nuclear war with North Korea, but here you go
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FEC threatening to restrict political activity on the Internet
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LokiTorrent owner rats out 750,000 subscribers and coughs up big fine. Your dog wants him to drop the soap
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Is a gondola ride through the sewage-filled canals of Venice your idea of romance? Not this Valentine's Day, say striking gondoliers
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Wedding registry for Mary Kay LeTourneau and Vili Fualaau
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Today's "test failure of billion-dollar boondoggle that couldn't hit the broad side of a barn missile-defense system" story brought to you by the Pentagon
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After 9/11, Karl Rove met with Saudi lobbyists to smooth things out
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