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| Sun January 04, 2004 |
| (FilmJerk.com) |
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Script review of Milla Jovovich's Next, a vampire film
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Girl Scouts prepping bug army to protect their camp in insect war. We bow to our new insect overlords
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| (Some Guy) |
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DOMAI models. Not safe for work
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| (Some Guy) |
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Turns out there is one thing that Africa does very well. And the U.S. is damned if it will let them get away with it
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| (Fox.com) |
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Fox to launch My Big Fat Annoying Fiance in a couple weeks. Greeks surrender
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Hundreds of Spaniard freak-out after fireballs streak across sky, crash to earth. Jordy Verril screams, "Meteor shiat"
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"Return of the King" keeps No. 1 spot
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| (Some CHUD) |
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Slinky: The Movie. Hollywood really is out of ideas this time
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TSG is there -- Britney Spears' marriage license
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop farker and his buddy eating sand at the beach
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Chef sues hotel for not warning him that avocados may be ripe
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| (Some Guy) |
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Here comes the world's tallest flagpole that can be seen 20 miles away. Cellphone towers surrender
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| (SignOnSanDiego) |
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Man calls 911 to report clerk refusing to return his stolen credit card. Man arrested
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| (First Coast News) |
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Extraterrestrial from the planet Rizq goes on trial for child molesting
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Affleck nearly beheaded by Yemeni prince. Better luck next time
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Afghanistan grand council finally agrees on a constitution. It's a compromise that no one's happy with, proving that democratic ideals have truly been established
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| (wisinfo.com) |
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Having felt the same frustration as the rest of us, boy increases odds of winning by crawling inside claw-grabber stuffed animal game (with picture)
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| (Denver Post) |
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Boulder police break up outdoor prayer service
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Police, investigating burglary, find home owner's drug lab. Does anybody keep track of how often this happens?
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Sports winners and losers today. Talk about them here
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| (Some Guy) |
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AudioEdit a cop explaining why marijuana should be illegal
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Airports to start fingerprinting, tracking foreigners Monday
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| (Sky News) |
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New bin Laden tape aired on Al-Jazeera
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| (Honolulu Advertiser) |
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$1.99 wine has the rest of the wine industry sucking sour grapes
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| (Some Astro Guy) |
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Amateur takes stunning shot of Orion nebula. Hubble hasn't surrendered but was last seen drinking heavily
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| (The Post) |
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The biggest threat to development in Colorado is a three-inch mouse
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Google expected to make stock market debut in the first half of 2004
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| (Some Ohioan) |
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Ohio giving special license plates to DUI offenders. Photoshop a better plate for DUIs and for other public offenses
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Icewine grape harvest looks good thanks to freezing Northwest weather
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| (Some Guy) |
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Mars Lander pics
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| (TriCities.com) |
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While looking for farmers market, 80-year-old crashes through busy salon instead
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New York bank robbery rate up 64 percent in 2003
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| (Some Guy) |
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Big blue bird chases skateboard punks after fowl attack
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Researchers find peeling an apple stimulates the most highly evolved section of your brain
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| (The Post) |
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Two geriatric cowboys spend their retirement designing crooked furniture. Both are amazed that people actually buy it
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| (Playbill.com) |
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Fark favorite Alyson Hannigan set to star opposite Luke Perry in stage version of When Harry Met Sally
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Bar patron shoots dog, jukebox and telephone. Typical day in Montana, where there isn't anything to do but drink
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| (Twin Cities.com) |
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Place a penny on your tongue. If your tongue can stuff it up a nostril, you will live a rich and full life
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| (ArkansasNBC.com) |
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Sword-wielding shopkeeper scares suspected serial stealer
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Britney's marriage being anulled already
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| (Darwin Awards) |
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Genius boy scout microwaves neighborhood, self
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| (Lexmark) |
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Photoshop the Lexmark CEO
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BCS officials refuse to deliberate changing to playoff system, thereby assuring fans another year of polling maddness
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Wheat, sheep and extra-long blades to power the future
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Drug bust nets high school math teacher
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Mars Lander phones home after successful landing
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| (PFL) |
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Britney Spears marries high school sweetheart in Vegas
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| (Some Crackpot) |
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Conspiracies-a-go-go. Grab your tin-foil hats and watch for the black helicopters
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| Sat January 03, 2004 |
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IRS targets 800 IRS employees for tax audits
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| (Some Zombie) |
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Bothered by zombies? You need not worry anymore
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A century of pisswater beer: Miller High Life turns 100
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| (Ledger-Enquirer) |
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If you're going to impress your girlfriend by cooking for her, don't set her balcony on fire
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UConn women's basketball home-win streak ends at 69. Duke still sucks
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NBA refs mistakenly toss Piston's Coach Larry Brown. Brown refuses to come back on the court
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Nasa Mars Rover set to land tonight, finally figured out how to convert from metric to imperial
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| (Some Speed Demon) |
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The best radar detectors you can buy, tested head to head
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| (wausaudailyherald.com) |
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Four million animals given as gifts expected to be dropped of at animal shelters. Your dog wants more life, asshat
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Angelina Jolie building a house in Cambodia and distributing cows
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Gruesome details emerging from Egyptian Boeing 737 recovery effort
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Rush guitarist speaks out about arrest, says it was unfair. Police say don't annoy us further, we have our work to do; Forget about your silly whim. It doesn't fit the Plan
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| (Some Guy) |
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AudioEdit an employee explaining why he/she deserves a raise to the boss
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop a "The Smoking Gun is there" page for something that's bound to happen in 2004
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| (Some Guy) |
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Hunter trips, dies after his knife accidentally goes off
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Axe attack involving postal workers. Surprizingly, they were the victims
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| (Porterville Recorder) |
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Kid is a model citizen until his dry-ice bomb prank. Now his life is ruined. Suggestions?
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Finally, no more "sneak peeks" and "almost real" concept cars. Here's the '05 Mustang in production trim, the first complete makeover since 1979
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| (Some Guy) |
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AD&D's Book of Erotic Fantasy is here. Your level-five elf can finally get laid
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| (The Post) |
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What's really funny is when you go to the grocery store and someone says, "Oh, I didn't recognize you with your clothes on"
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Wisconsin town celebrates New Year with toilet-bowl parade featuring giant throne, plunger scepters
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Photoshop this Korean protestor dressed up as a cow to protest sick beef from USA
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| (theeyeopener.com) |
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Girl wins contest for fake orgasms, credits boyfriend for a lot of practice
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Miss Wink charged with stealing 50 glass eyes
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Construction worker tries to avoid swarm of bees on a roof, loses his balance and is impaled on rebar
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| (twincities.com) |
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Teen survives 1,500-foot drop on snowmobile after wrong turn
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| (NY Daily News) |
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Britney Spears, Kobe and the Hilton sisters were all in the same Las Vegas bar on New Year's Eve. Al Queda decides to punish U.S. by not flying plane into bar
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Woman drives wrong way on freeway, causes pileup. Police suspect intoxication
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Images of "Croc Hunter" pulling a Jacko and dangling baby over 13-foot crocodile
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| (San Francisco Bowl) |
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Photoshop a new sponsor for the San Francisco Bowl
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Chicago and Atlanta fight over which airport is busiest
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| (Tribune) |
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"Damnit, there's a gopher living in the front yard. Honey, fetch me a shovel and the gunpowder"
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Swiss carpenters plan to build world's largest bed
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| (LOC) |
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150 years ago this week, the U.S. finished buying the land for the lower 48 states. We're saving up to buy Canada next
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Kelsey Grammer says he wants to run for U.S. Senate. Cliff Claven to chair campaign
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| (LFUCG) |
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Kentuckian arrested for alcohol intoxication... for the 803rd time. Check out lovely mugshot images
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Egyptian charter jet crashes into Red Sea; 135 on board
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New MSN Messenger virus offers to help remove itself if you correctly guess what is beween Graham Cluley's toes
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Buckeyes win national championship... er... wait, that was last year
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| (Some Guy) |
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"We are very excited to be hosting a cornhole tournament, one of Cincinnatians' favorite pastimes"
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| (BMJ) |
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Pic of formerly mentioned tattoo altered during surgery
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| Fri January 02, 2004 |
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Photoshop Peter Jackson doing the Travolta disco pose
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Meteorite hits Iran
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The "terrorists" the FBI was looking for on the British Airways flight included a child, a Welsh insurance agent and an old Chinese woman
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Croc Hunter dangles newborn son in front of hungry reptile in absence of hotel balcony
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| (Albinoblacksheep) |
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Tired of talking to coworkers? Just leave this animation on your screen whenever you head to coffee break
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Former British education says most people are too stupid for university, should be stopped from dumbing elites down
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| (The Hometown Channel) |
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Doing 100 mph in a Chevrolet Blazer while being chased by the police is scary, attempting to cross a river while doing it is stupid (w/ video)
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| (NBC4) |
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Home invaders eat hot lead when woman opens fire on them. Gun control nuts say she should have wrestled them into submission
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Don't bother watching the movie, just check out this clip containing the three best boobie scenes from American Wedding and save time (not safe for work)
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| (WNBC.com) |
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Drunk man on bus attempts to quiet other passengers by telling them he has a bomb. Hilarity ensues
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Buy your own half-scale AT-ST Scout Walker
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Tatu to run for president of Russia together
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NFL MVP 2003: Manning and McNair to share title
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| (Some Guy) |
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Rebecca Gayheart frolics on topless beach, does yoga -- NSFW (site's in Dutch)
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| (Arkansas NBC) |
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Hundreds of inmates flood jail with synchronized flushing
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| (Daily Mirror) |
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Man's tattoo altered from "I love women" to "I love men" during surgery
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Six police officers face charges for firing pepper balls into homeless camp to see what would happen
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| (Some Guy) |
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AudioEdit airport announcements you'd love to hear. Link goes to some funny stuff
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| (Naples News) |
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More info on Rush guitarist Alex Lifesons' New Years' brawl. Includes excellent mugshots
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| (Austin Daily Herald) |
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God found naked in Austin, MN. Police learn mace and tasers have little effect
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| (2theadvocate.com) |
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Man dies after discharging gun he left cocked in chair he had been sitting in for two hours
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| (Penny Arcade) |
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Penny Arcade's $200,000 donation to Seattle Children's Hospital becomes "nearly a thousand dollars" and from "a local catholic school" thanks to incompetent media coverage
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| (Omaha.com) |
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KSU quarterback cleared to play. Ohio State will have to rely on buying the refs as usual
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| (Grand Forks Herald) |
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Hunters can stop mailing their deer testicles to Texas A & M, it worked
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Malaysian man kills 1,175 rats in three months with a slingshot
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop a stolen gnome in captivity. Link goes to original
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Miracle slot machines dispense double cash due to currency conversion error
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Sixty-five percent of surveyed Britons don't know what city the musical "Chicago", TV show "Dallas" are set in
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It's not a New Year's party until the hotel gets shut down after revelers start spraying each other with fire hoses
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| (Forbes) |
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PG&E's execs get over $83 million from plan to emerge from bankruptcy
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Woman receives $35,000 to settle sexual harassment suit with boss. Pays back money after she and boss are seen dating afterwards
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Pat Robertson says God told him Bush will win 2004 in landslide
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New studies reveal women are heavy net porn users, and Norwegians like to pay for it
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BBC radio-phone poll indicates many Brits want to be able to use force against burglars. Left-wing MP reacts with rage against democracy. "The people have spoken, the bastards"
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James Carville says Howard Dean is suffering from a "political lobotomy." In related news, Richard Simmons acuses Elton John of being "way too gay"
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Why not throw it all away and start over as a goat farmer?
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Newest reality show to feature Southwest Airline flight attendents dealing with asshats
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| (The Australian) |
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Australian scientists identify the part of the Milky Way most likely to contain life. Sensors indicate presence of breweries, rugby fields, 'roo meat and girlie shows
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Long-time power plant welder can no longer work at nuke facilities because his fingerprints are too worn to read
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| (contracostatimes.com) |
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Round-up of spiffy new laws going into effect this year around the country
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The Governator also considering early release for 25,000 prisoners... just swell
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| (Some Guy) |
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Rush guitarist Alex Lifeson inadvertently qualifies for a contract with the Charlotte Hornets
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| (9 News) |
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Look, up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's... a Jeep (with pictures)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Photoshop this angry, hippie-eating tree
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Man becomes extremely "tired" just after buying his coffee
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Man sells off 40-year collection of Playboy mags for $80
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Driver watching TV ignores red light, causes fatal accident
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| (NBC San Diego) |
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Man struck in the head by New Year's celebration bullet
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| (Michael Biehn) |
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The Governator terminates much of Public Health and Welfare
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| (Chattanoogan) |
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Man steals three cars, crashes into a house, and bites a TV news reporter -- all in about an hour
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Pete Rose to admit to betting on baseball in autobiography due next week?
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| (GloFish) |
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Glow-in-the-dark fish are coming to a store near you. Photoshop an advertisement for them. Link goes to a starting place
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New eBay loophole - 'not intended for consumption' - makes selling booze ok
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| Thu January 01, 2004 |
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Principal warns of net-bullies
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British flight canceled due to security worries
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Creed, Limp Bizkit named worst bands of 2003
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Next mars probe scheduled to be lost forever this Saturday
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| (WBZ 4) |
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Hundreds take chilly dip in Boston Harbor to usher in New Year, shrinkage ensues
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2004's language irritants: 'bling-bling,' 'punked,' 'metrosexual'
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Man drums for 72 hours, new world record claimed. Sadly, he was killed by irate neighbors
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| (Some Guy) |
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AudioEdit someone trying to talk their way out of a DUI
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Strong Earthquake Rocks Mexico City
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Earth's spin changes. Superman wanted for questioning
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| (ohio.com) |
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Police accuse preacher of performing marriage ceremonies without a license, stealing an above ground swimming pool
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| (Wilmington Star) |
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ReplayTV screws its customers with a holiday bait-and-switch
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Dorval airport renamed Pierre Elliot Trudeau airport. Quebec separatists protest, westerners give it the finger, satellite terminal runs off to New York with Rolling Stones, everyone puzzled by the canoe landings
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37% of Brits support law allowing you to shoot a burglar who breaks into your home
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| (Juneau Empire) |
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Photoshop this old lady and her bottle
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Serial horsefarker sentenced to only 30 days. When asked if satisfied with the sentence, the victim replied neigh
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Woman arrested for failing to pay $2 parking ticket. Husband arrives to pay $35 bail, parks in space reserved for patrol cars. More hilarity ensues
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British spies warned of U.S. plans to invade Arab states, don't realize Nixon talked that way about everyone. Haven't heard the tapes apparently
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| (Poughkeepsie Journal) |
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Man receives patent for the symbol of Islam, now just waiting for all those royalties
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DC bound British Airways flight gets fighter escort, dozen passengers detained for questioning
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Nurse stuck in lavatory, has friend pass a straw through the keyhole of the toilet door to allow her to celebrate New Years
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| (Some Guy) |
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Atheism is the most irrational and illogical religion on the planet
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Break out your cliches, "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE." is airing on TCM tonight (adjust for your time zone)
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Red and pewter stadium seats to match Bucs team colors fades to pink and pewter. Bucs not amused
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| (theage.com.au) |
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Alien autopsy, crop circles and more; the ten best science scams
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If you have a question about your pension, call the phone sex hotline
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David Blaine named biggest loser of 2003
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Man already under house arrest goes outside and welcomes in the New Year by firing a gun into the air
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Largest snake goes on display (with picture goodness)
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| (The Comet Net) |
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Brits still looking for lost Beagle, have even placed a lost ad in the supermarket circular
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Web auctions gear up for sales of unwanted gifts
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| (Press & Dakotan) |
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Photoshop this guy and whatever he is doing
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| (The Caller) |
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Corpus Christi driver runs stop sign, answers age-old "dump truck versus 18-wheeler" question
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| (Macon County Times) |
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Next time you plan on dropping a log, make sure you don't tear your liver in the process
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When robbing a bank, don't write your holdup note on a personal check
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Not sufficiently frightened of Mad Cow, Asian markets expand fears to include Mad Tater Disease
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| (Nzoom) |
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Revelers in New Zealand ring in the New Year by beating the living bejesus out of each other
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Ticking art sparks bomb scare
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Bowlingbowlingbowlingbowlingbowling..
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Reason #1 to attend ballet this year: "In Carmen there is a lot of crotch grabbing. There will be no matinee."
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Due to the increased costs of responding to false burglar alarms, LAPD to enforce new "We don't give a rat's ass" policy in 2004
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Unnamed pitcher who left Yankees for another team this offseason did it because his wife found out about his mistress. Gee, that could be anyone...
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| (WSOC) |
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"Damnit, my remote control airplane is caught in the power wires. Honey, fetch me the long metal pole."
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| (Some Guy) |
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Japanese yo-yo weilding overlords? Quite likely indeed
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| (Green Bay Press-Gazette) |
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Friday is 'Packer Pride Day' in Wisconsin. Green and gold de rigueur, Cardinal red and white also acceptable
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| (Right Wing News) |
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Why raising the minimum wage costs poor people jobs
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| (calcommuters.org) |
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California freeway drivers have their own place on the net to talk about how much they hate being stuck in traffic
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Tony Blair agreed to be on "The Simpsons" only if no one called him America's "poodle."
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| (Press & Dakotan) |
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Photoshop the world's youngest volunteer fire department
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Happy New Year!
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| Wed December 31, 2003 |
| (Channel3000) |
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Cabbies in Mad City will charge a $50 "bodily fluids cleanup fee" in case your cab ride gets out of hand
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New Year's Eve celebrations worldwide have heightened security against people wanting to blow themselves up, except in the Philippines where blowing yourself up is a tradition intended to drive away evil, bad luck, and unwanted limbs
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Sherrif's responds to Jacko's claims of abuse: We didn't touch the panzy
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| (The Kansas City Channel) |
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Man accidentally killed when posing as pinata for kids
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| (Undercover.com.au) |
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Anita Mui dead at 40. You may remember her as the female character in every Jackie Chan movie ever made
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| (NBC17) |
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Woman arrested for felony child abuse. Her t-shirt at booking reads "I do what the voices in my head tell me to do."
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Princess Anne's terrier, growing ambitious after mauling one of the Queen's corgis, tries to make royal servant her bitch
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| (Aurora News-Register) |
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Small town forced to remove 35 year old giant arrow sign pointing toward downtown. With pic of sign and town mayor in purple shirt
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| (Al Bawaba) |
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2003 year-end gossip review for the Middle East entertainment scene
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U.S. jobless claims fall to nearly 3-year low
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| (Some Guy) |
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AudioEdit a parent trying to explain to a child where babies come from
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| (Press & Dakotan) |
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Photoshop this going once... going twice... sold picture
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Fans of crooked-toothed women rejoice as Britain considers changing its prositution laws
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| (thepittsburghchannel.com) |
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If the guy you're arguing with at the bar has a chainsaw, and he says "You wanna step outside, buddy?", don't go
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| (Techweb) |
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Judge dismisses AOL's spam lawsuit
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Atlanta welcomes 2004 by dropping giant sunburned arse...erm... peach
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Halliburton loses Iraqi oil contracts. New contracts to be awarded by bid
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| (NapkinNights) |
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The hottest 100 Vegas pictures from 2003. Mainly not work safe
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| (Bday.co.za) |
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Police are warning S. African residents not to toss refrigerators off high-rise balconies during New Year's celebrations
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Middle-aged German couple blame berserk attack on fear of gay security guards
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Dumbass robber drops job application with home address on it. Jailarity esues
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| (Port Clinton News Herald) |
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Couple to tie knot at walleye drop
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Monica Lewinsky asks court for $800,000; no cigar
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| (Modbee.com) |
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Mystery Salvation Army donor strikes again in West Virginia
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Chick-fil-A's cows on hold as angry cows temporarily not in vogue
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| (al.com) |
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Alabama brings in the New Year. "Pistols are the weapons of choice. It's a cheap man's fireworks."
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| (SignOn SanDiego) |
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Mega Millions ticket for $155 million jackpot sold in Ohio, probably to one of the asshats shooting out car windows
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| (Some Guy) |
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Nekkid clown. not safe for work
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| (The State) |
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Man shot for his biscuits, which is considerably better than being shot in the biscuits. Samoans. Do the Humpty Hump
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| (Press and Journal) |
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Man jumps straight to the head of the taxi queue by brandishing chainsaw in city centre
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| (Boston Herald) |
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...I just raaaaaaaaaaaan, I ran all night and daaaaaaaaay
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| (Daily Times) |
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More people would rather skydive with Homer Simpson than with George W Bush
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David Wells leaves Yankees, signs with Padres. No longer has to worry about asking out of World Series game in first inning
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Pitt holds another opponent to 55 points or less. Home winning streak 33 games, tying Duke for longest current streak. Possibly due to having one of the weakest schedules in college ball, right up there with overrated UConn. Duke sucks
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Another dead body in an airplane wheel well
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I hereby dub thee: Sir Intarweb
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| (The Tennessean) |
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Man has 114 dead cats in freezers in home. Your dog wants a catsicle
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Blue of Blue's Clues to say her first words in February. Will reportedly discuss how Steve was a porn star and died of a heroin overdose
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| (KOBTV.com) |
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Albuquerque man prepares for New Year's bash by covering roof in plywood to slow down incoming bullets
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Britney Spears to perform in lesbian show. Oh, wait
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How do you celebrate New Year's in space? With tea and chicken, of course. Odds of there not being vodka involved: 0
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New Year's Eve explosion rips through Baghdad restaurant
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| (Some Sonofawitch.) |
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What does your aura mean? Here comes the pseudoscience
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105-pound woman crowned Fruitcake Champion after swallowing nearly five pounds of the treat in 10 minutes
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| (Naples News) |
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What does 'Auld Lang Syne' mean? Hint: drinking figures prominently. So does drinking
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| (Daily Times) |
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36 dead in China fireworks factory blast. Giant ash snake seen headed for the ocean, Godzilla called in by Tokyo to fight it
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| (VH1.com) |
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A Flock of Seagulls to reunite on VH1. Along with other bands no one cares about anymore
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Brasstown, NC gearing up for the New Year's Eve "Possum Drop" (pic)
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In Michigan's U.P. on the border of Eastern and Central time, some will ring in midnight at one bar, snowmobile about 4 miles, and ring in midnight at another
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| (NBC5i.com) |
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90-year-old woman fined $290 for taking her trash out a day early
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Pilots opposed to armed flights, prefer wings
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| (Some Guy) |
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Military gunships to patrol Las Vegas Strip tonight - Danny Ocean surrenders.
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Kicking an air marshal in the jimmy won't win you any frequent flier miles
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$210 million jackpot ignites powerball frenzy on New Year's Eve
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Viagra abuse grows among younger men. They have to do something to keep those stupid, baggy pants from falling down to their ankles
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| (Billings Gazette) |
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Ski resort cannot open because of too much snow
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If you're going to have a heart attack on an airplane, make sure there are 15 heart specialists on board
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The next appearance of the Quadrantid meteor shower is this Sunday
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| (News and Sentinel) |
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Cop leaves bunch of guns in a cardboard box in the back seat of his car. Guess what got stolen?
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| (Mercury News) |
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Arnold, promising no raised taxes before election, raises park taxes after election. Arnold flexes muscles, chants, "I am the Governator."
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Police chief asks that residents not fire guns in air during New Year's. ''People welcome in the New Year by idiotically shooting guns into the air, not realizing that those bullets come down at 120 miles per hour.''
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Britain will drink 130 million pints of beer tonight
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Coward Congressman urges people to avoid Times Square. Mayor Bloomberg says grow a pair
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Photoshop federal air marshals demonstrating a hi-jacking situation
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| (Seguin Gazette-Enterprise) |
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Getting drunk hanging out at Fark in front of your computer on New Years Eve will help avoid drunk driving
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Wacky nuclear physicist says Martians are sabotaging the satellites. Also claims to own a mansion and a yacht
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| (Bored Guy) |
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What's your New Year's resolution? (Link goes to GIS for new year's resolution)
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| (MSN) |
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Things to remember to do before getting rid of your old PC
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| (Port Clinton) |
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Ohio town drops 600-pound fish at midnight -- with webcam
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Florida 80-year-olds now required to receive eye tests before renewing their driver's licenses. Still won't be able to tell the difference between a Red Lobster and a farmer's market
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Prof. Colin Pillinger, the leading scientist for the Beagle 2 Mars landing module
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| (7-eleven.com) |
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Get free coffee at 7-Eleven on New Year's Eve
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| (Bi Chicks. w00t) |
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As per the chicks-kissing-chicks discussion earlier, here are zillions of pics of, you guessed it, chicks kissing chicks. Prolly not SFW
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| (MLive.com) |
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Zilwaukee, Michigan men over the age of 21 must grow a beard until June, or pay for a $10 permit to not have a beard
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| (Some Guy) |
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Woman tells armed robbers she had just gotten out of the hospital and suffers from epilepsy. Robber tells partner, "Hey, my cousin has that, let's go rob someone else"
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After a father/son drinking session, it is not advisable to try to rob a restaurant on foot with a drill and saunter away when unsuccessful
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"Pennsylvania: We're old. We're cranky. Deal with it." ruled out as state slogan
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| (Southeast Missourian) |
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Six-hundred-pound antique chandelier crashes to Senate floor at Missouri Capitol Building
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Iran wants to build nuclear power plant on the same fault line that destroyed Bam
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| (Some Guy) |
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Cap this holiday season by AudioEditing "Post-Holiday Depression"
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| Tue December 30, 2003 |
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Britney and Christina feuding. Don't worry, kids, it's all a publicity stunt culminating in a pay-per-view mud-wrestling extravaganza
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| (Some Guy) |
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Calif. student argues against illegal immigration. Hispanic students threaten him, teachers refuse to protect him
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| (Honolulu Advertiser) |
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Could a CHEAP trend catch on with second-generation Farkers?
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| (Some Guy) |
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Despite changing trends in beer-drinking, Sam Adams focuses on producing good brew. Chocolate Bock coming your way soon
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| (newsnet5.com) |
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Thief who stole baby Jesus from nativity scene paints it black, returns it. Owner was hoping for more of a mauve color
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| (Freerepublic.com) |
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Air France Flight 68 being intercepted by NORAD
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And I raaaaaaaaaaaan, I ran so far awaaaaaaaaaay
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World's biggest sperm bank uses Viking aliases such as Birk, Gorm, Olaf and Thor
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| (Juneau Empire) |
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Photoshop this winter chore
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Saturn as close as it has been to Earth in 30 years. Sailor Moon jealous
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Harley-riding, tattooed, toothless tweeker Raiders fans rejoice as Oakland Raiders fire head coach Bill Callahan
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FedEx and Kinko's unite to form Finko's
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Downer cattle banned from food and New Years Eve parties. "They are just too depressing" says Jessica Simpson
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| (Toms Hardware Guide) |
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5 GHz Project: CPU Cooling With Liquid Nitrogen
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Cats may be to blame for house explosion
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Gibson's new ethernet guitar has left the industry scratching its head
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| (Kinshay) |
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William Shatner to record an album with Henry Rollins. And the sun became black as sackcloth, and the moon became as blood
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| (NBC) |
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Train engineer on cellphone does 60+ mph in a 10-mph zone. Derailarity ensues
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Man masters Etch A Sketch, now refers to himself as Mr. Etch A Sketch and takes his skills on the road
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| (KLAS-TV) |
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Parts of Las Vegas get up to three inches of snow. Local news stations tripping over each other to cover this "breaking story"
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Honeymooners fan: Jackie Gleason got a bus depot when he died, so why shouldn't Art Carney get a sanitation facility?
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Orange alert leads New Jersey mall to ban early-morning "mall walkers"
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| (BadJocks.com) |
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BadJocks names top 10 stories of the year, including cheerleader who shot rival in butt with paintball gun
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| (Some Guy) |
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2003 P.U.-litzers Prize announced
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Iran wonders why earthquake killed tens of thousands when last week's similar California earthquake only killed two
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Michael Jackson's chief spokesman quits over "strategic differences." Rejected strategies include filling giant wooden horse with little boys and bringing it into Neverland Ranch
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| (Some Guy) |
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If you're a bad-ass gangsta rapper, apply here
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Nation of Islam to Jacko: "Get your hand out of (our) pocket"
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Grand Theft Auto is "10,000 times worse" than child molestation
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Woman sues Starbucks for $10 million because they failed to alert her that coffee is hot
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| (wbns) |
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If you're paid bi-weekly, you're getting any extra paycheck next year
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| (newsnet5.com) |
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Teens unaware how easy it is to buy beer these days, now overdosing on Robitussin cough syrup to get buzz
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Wizards of the Coast to close stores -- Magic: The Gathering leagues have 60 days to find new social hub
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| (Some Guy) |
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Ginger, the spice of life (not safe for work)
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| (Some Guy) |
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Satellite image of Bam, Iran one day after earthquake
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Man pulls off £1 million heist and actually avoids shooting himself or leaving behind his wallet
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Nude photos of Barbie dolls being attacked by kitchen appliances now A-OK in Utah
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Man rescued after being trapped for two days under a mountain of reading material in his apartment. Principal Skinner unavailable for comment
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Minutes later, Spurrier announces he really is gone. There will be no more updates on this, it's not worth the attention
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Reclusive Russian solves century-old mathematical puzzle, doesn't care about million-dollar prize
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Ashcroft to step down from CIA probe
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| (The Advocate) |
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Louisiana leads nation in gonorrhea
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| (NBC 4 Columbus Ohio) |
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DUI offenders in Ohio may have to sport special "I drove drunk and got caught -- I am an assclown" license plates
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Minutes later, Spurrier says he has not resigned, only "considering options"
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| (Boulder Daily Camera) |
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Earth's orbit isn't slowing any more and scientists don't know why
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Teen girls now enjoying the new "bisexual chic" fad, kissing each other at parties
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| (NY Daily News) |
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Man tries to jump off bridge from upper deck. Lands on lower deck. Dies anyway
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Spurrier resigns as Redskins coach
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Abraham Lincoln bites ex-girlfriend, runs off with her cell phone. No, really
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Israeli soldiers more scared of giant rats than terrorists
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Santa saves woman's life during boat parade
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| (WCNC.com) |
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Man proposes to girlfriend while impaled on his motorcycle handlebars
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Fed helicopters to patrol NYC on New Year's Eve
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| (Post Standard) |
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NY state bar proves smoking ban hurts business, gets waiver
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| (National Review) |
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Britney will pose naked; Bush wins in landslide; Kucinich promises to "make the economy his bitch" -- and other amusing and insightful predictions for 2004 by National Review
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Parents outraged when child's new Christmas toy comes with live bullets
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The most admired people in the U.S. are Hillary Clinton and George W. Bush. Probably not admired by the same people
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| (Some Guy) |
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Box score for Philadelphia-Binghamton American Hockey League game
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Hockey game forced to end early after several fights result in shortage of players to complete the match
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New Years guide to all that is marathon TV. Includes 12 hours of Matlock
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Britney Spears to perform with similar acts: Metallica, Guns N' Roses and Slipknot
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More infamous moments in 2003 sports
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Don't open email attachments from the Bank of England that will "protect you from credit card fraud"
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Schwarzenegger becomes first California governor to have beer brewed in his honor -- "Governator Ale"
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Dear USA: Thanks for the relief aid and rescue workers, but you still suck. Sincerly, Iran
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Fox reaches bottom of barrel, breaks out the pickaxes for "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé"
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Christina Aguilera named "top role model" by London teen-mag readers
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| (Juneau Empire) |
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Photoshop this winter action scene
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| (1010wins.com) |
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New product helps potty train the cat
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FDA to ban Ephedra products
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Guy who played neighbor behind the fence on "Home Improvement" dies of lung cancer
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Boy hasn't spoken since the garage door at his house tried to eat him
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Calif. cuts funding for the arts by 90 percent, Colo. cuts 80 percent, Fla. cuts 77 percent. See how your state is
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The Smoking Gun announces winners from its 25 mugshot deck giveaway. Also announces it's giving Farkers another 25
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From the department of "helluva a lot of good it does now"...
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By the way, we're all being screwed on our taxes
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"Why do they call tunafish 'Chicken of the Sea?'" Jessica Simpson to the rescue
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Babes celebrate Japan's resurgent disco boom with skimpy suits, gawking guys
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| (Some Guy) |
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Gauss rifles, rail guns, plastic hydrogen bombs and film-can cannons: Tom Ridge's nightmare, or your kid's next science fair project?
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| (Bob from Accounting) |
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BFA's list of the top 25 people from 2003 in need of a little "ethnic cleansing." By "ethnic cleansing," we really mean "poked to death in the eye with a small, sharp stick. Repeatedly"
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| (Honolulu StarBulletin) |
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The coming "Big One" earthquake on the West Coast could also devastate Hawaii
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Top 10 media fark-ups of 2003
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Dave Barry takes a look at 2003
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| (Some Guy) |
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Rise up and end the cursed tyranny of the moon
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| (KUSA) |
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Completing the car vandalism trifecta: Longmont, Colorado weighs in with 80 cars damaged
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M&Ms to lose their colors (except for six bags) in a Willy Wonka style promotion. Five little asshats and one decent kid expected to win
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Mmmmmmelissa (see below) ticketed for appearing naked on Internet
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| (Honolulu Advertiser) |
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What are the 10 best music albums of 2003 (if there are actually that many)?
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U.S. tells foreign airlines to put guards on planes travelling to the U.S.
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| (Some Guy) |
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Nice genes. Not safe for work
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Kobe Bryant's court case is the AP sports story of the year
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| (Montgomery Advertiser) |
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Hundreds of millions of dollars not properly accounted for in Alabama schools. Accountants confused their gozintas with their cyphering. Forgot to carry the naught
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| (Christian Science Monitor) |
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Texan man pleads guilty to posession of WMDs. Saddam feels sad and impotent
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| (Farker OneHandFapping) |
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Develop the symbol for the Fark Political Party
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Two-year-old song from cult movie "Donnie Darko" played once on British TV in November, hits number one in the UK pop charts
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Armed meat-pie robbery, only in Australia
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| (VanHagar Fan) |
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Van Hagar back together...
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| (Billboard.com) |
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Meat Puppets' Cris Kirkwood shot by security guard at Phoenix post office
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| (Some Guy) |
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Christopher Walken to appear on Conan New Year's Day
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| (Some Guy) |
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Mmmmmmelissa (not safe for work)
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| (DurangoHerald) |
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Presenting the not-quite New Year's Eve best of Durango, CO police blotter 2003
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