FARK.com: This week's archives

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Fri November 27, 2009

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		Recently divorced woman sees Jesus on her iron, displaying to the world why she was recently divorced (sfgate.com)	(92)
		When running a pot farm out of your home, you should resist the urge to call the cops if someone breaks in to steal your money and weed (wcco.com)	(34)
		10 beers so weird even Drew wouldn't drink them. Yeah, they're THAT weird (mirror.co.uk)	(269)
(Some ???)		Photoshop this... umm, whatever this is... at the AMAs (holymoly.com)	(40)
		NASA: Evidence of life on Mars (timesonline.co.uk)	(284)
		Santa Claus fired for making children cry at a Christmas tree lighting event. "He was inept, sullen and incommunicative" (dailymail.co.uk)	(61)
		Woman goes on £50,000 spending spree buying trips and cars for her family thinking she was going to die from breast cancer. Turns out the joke was on her when her doctor gave her the "all clear." (dailymail.co.uk)	(90)
		Theme from this week's mugshot roundup: Know when to fold 'em (thesmokinggun.com)	(144)
		At least 22 dead, 55 injured in Russian train crash, bomb crater found at scene (news.bbc.co.uk)	(75)
		If you're in the market to buy millions of pounds of dead carp, the state of Utah has one heck of a deal for you (nytimes.com)	(51)
		Not news: Man falls for exotic beauty while on vacation. News: She confesses she's a dude on their first date. Fark: He marries her anyway. TotalFark: You'd hit it. The Sun is there (thesun.co.uk)	(410)
		Tiger Woods condition upgraded from "serious" to "typical celebrity drunk driving accident" (thestar.com)	(401)
		Tow truck drivers tell cops they thought cars they towed from Best Buy last night belonged to patrons of nearby bar. Apparently didn't realize that the huge line of customers camped out for Black Friday may have had any connection (myfoxhouston.com)	(108)
		Indiana police called to two separate Toys 'R Us stores because customers were fighting over robotic hamsters. I had no idea Richard Gere spent his holidays in Indiana (consumerist.com)	(129)
(Some Gator)		Family's Thanksgiving dinner winds up with four people shot to death, lots of leftovers (wcfcourier.com)	(65)
		Tiger Woods reported to be in serious condition in Florida hospital after early morning car crash (myfoxorlando.com)	(667)
		Man described as "boob-crazy" has pair tattooed on his ass. Like most stories about tattoos, it includes the phrase, "It seemed like a good idea at the time" (SFW pic) (thesun.co.uk)	(96)
		A roundup of cute little animals stuffing their fat little faces on Thanksgiving, just like Americans did (huffingtonpost.com)	(53)
		Photoshop this surf and turf combo (farm1.static.flickr.com)	(46)
		If you're a defense attorney and want to make a point in the courtroom, there are better ways to do it than by pulling the pin on a grenade and putting it on the prosecutor's table (kansas.com)	(39)
		Drug-addled teenager rips off his own scrotum. Kid's got ba .... wait, no he doesn't (thesun.co.uk)	(150)
		Police baffled by a string of bizarre cattle mutilations in southern Colorado. Local chupacabras fear they'll be blamed (news.yahoo.com)	(67)
		Today's Friday Photo Fun from our pals at TSG is a tough one. What rock band once required a certain "themed" magazine in their concert rider? Contest ends at 6pm Eastern (thesmokinggun.com)	(136)
		New study shows that Americans throw away over 40% of the food they purchase, or about 1,400 calories per person per DAY. Or, put another way, enough to give every starving person on this planet the same waistline as the average American (news.yahoo.com)	(307)
		HHTYAY (myfoxdc.com)	(52)
		You're an astronaut that's going to be on the International Space Station for Thanksgiving, and NASA hasn't planned a meal for you, do you: C) Sneak a Turkey on the Space Shuttle without anyone noticing (gizmodo.com)	(115)
(Some Guy)		How to avoid paying late fees, strategy #392: confuse the hell out of the manager (longrangeshooter.com)	(83)
(WGME.com)		Teacher don't you fill me up with your rules, 'cause everybody knows that praying is allowed in school (wgme.com)	(94)
		Man who was blind for 30 years now able to see thanks to "bionic eye". With a picture that would make Laforge proud (dailymail.co.uk)	(54)
		Super Lemon Haze wins Cannabis Cup over Vanilla Kush and Head Bang. Totally righteous, dude (celebstoner.com)	(118)
(MaineToday.com)		A pat on the back, a fist bump, or even an elbow bump are the new way to shake hands thanks to a new germaphobic world (morningsentinel.mainetoday.com)	(55)
		"I've learned I am a good person and all hot girls aren't evil." (news.com.au)	(125)
		Photoshop this colorful commuter (upload.wikimedia.org)	(25)
		Man digs up wife's corpse just for hugs (news.scotsman.com)	(82)
		Forget killer bees. Here come super termites (news.com.au)	(39)
		Wal-Mart taking extra safety precautions this Black Friday to prevent unruly deal-deprived mobs from trampling themselves to death again. Obvious tag chuckles menacingly before shoving further up in line (mercurynews.com)	(165)
		Ugly-ass baby meerkats cuddle up with a plush meerkat doll after losing their mother. The Sun is there (thesun.co.uk)	(27)
		Scottish brewery releases world's strongest beer, Tactical Nuclear Penguin, that's 32% alcohol. The Sun is there (thesun.co.uk)	(126)
		Inspectors make an unannounced visit to Basildon University Hospital and discover 70 dead people, blood-splattered curtains, unfed elderly patients, poorly-trained nurses, and a decaying partridge in a wilting pear tree (dailymail.co.uk)	(247)

Thu November 26, 2009

	We have our first contestant in the Thanksgiving "Set Your House On Fire While Frying A Turkey" sweepstakes (foxnews.com)	(109)
	Man freed after spending 30 years in prison, receives settlement and a "sorry we locked you away for so long" Hallmark card (thebostonchannel.com)	(109)
	Oxymoron headline: Swimmer drowns (nzherald.co.nz)	(70)
	Photoshop theme: Inappropriate celebrity product endorsements (images.google.com)	(138)
	Rare Winston Churchill TV screen test to be shown, get more viewers than "The Jay Leno Show" (upi.com)	(41)
	"Hey kids, Daddy's going to run into the sailing shop and pick up a few things. Why don't you two play in the trunk while Daddy's gone, OK?" (hosted.ap.org)	(24)
	Drug mule claims that he had no idea that the 67 packages he swallowed contained 2.2 lbs of cocaine (dailymail.co.uk)	(25)
	Coed dorms leading to a massive increase in the obvious (abclocal.go.com)	(122)
(Some Guy)	This Thanksgiving be thankful a 300-pound, 6-foot bald homeless man with blue eyes didn't break into your home and steal your turkey (mlive.com)	(39)
	Long lost ghost trap keeps catching crabs. But enough about Anna Nicole Smith (kansascity.com)	(34)
	These pictures will give you another reason to be thankful for the men and women on duty this holiday (boston.com)	(211)
(Houston Press)	Nobody can eat 50 eggs: The 5 best overeating scenes from the movies, in honor of stuffing your maw today (blogs.houstonpress.com)	(139)
	54 years after somebody stole a radio from a college's teacher's lounge, the thief anonymously sends the school an apology letter and $500 (desmoinesregister.com)	(41)
	Stealing £315,000 from your quadruple amputee niece's trust fund to buy vacations and jewelry is no way to save your marriage (dailymail.co.uk)	(74)
	Photoshop this BASE jumper (cache.boston.com)	(43)
(iAfrica)	You're a cop, and your daughter dies in the hospital. Do you A) mourn, B) establish a scholarship in her honor, or C) go nuts and tear-gas the children's ward? (news.iafrica.com)	(43)
(Herald)	Drunk Irish mom beans son in the face with a full beer can; to be charged with wasting beer (herald.ie)	(31)
(WRCB TV 3)	Apparently confused about which finger means what, Tennesseans perplexed by billboard with young woman giving the finger (wrcbtv.com)	(79)
	Historic explorer tweets from beyond the grave. MAGGOTS COMING OUT (3news.co.nz)	(37)
(wpri.com)	Family raises money for turkey's cataract surgery, even though the procedure will cost more than a poultry sum (wpri.com)	(17)
(wane.com)	Man builds stagecoach out of toothpicks, probably shouldn't try to ford the river any time soon (wane.com)	(19)
	A brief history of pie (time.com)	(60)
	Great excuses of our time: "I only visited the hooker because my wife was too pregnant" (thelocal.se)	(167)
	Homeless people ask for leftovers after town's cook-off competition. Local kid realizes they might be hungry the rest of the year, decides to do something (blog.al.com)	(88)
	Airline that was voted worst in Britain claims it did not buzz an old lady's house, knocking off her roof tiles and scaring her half to death because they just don't do stupid stuff like that (myfoxdc.com)	(43)
(Some Thief)	When removing furniture and belongings, you'll appreciate the efficient, professional service of a removal firm. Particularly if you're a burglar and it's not your house (thisisnottingham.co.uk)	(15)
(My Sinchew)	Someone's been playing Mad Libs at the editor's desk again: Two men in Bangladesh were jailed after they went to a Muslim shrine and beat and blinded a sacred (noun) _crocodile_ (mysinchew.com)	(18)
	"Between 1960 and 2008, turkeys bulked up by around 11lb to 29lb ... coincidentally in that same period the average American man gained 28lb, almost the equivalent of a turkey" (economist.com)	(39)
	Not News: Wishing someone a happy Eid al-Adha. News: In a Best Buy ad. Fark: After you stopped wishing people Merry Christmas in those same ads in favor of Happy Holidays (myfoxdc.com)	(238)
(Tameside Advertiser)	Religious education teacher jailed for teaching teenage boy to scream "Oh God!" (tamesideadvertiser.co.uk)	(48)
	Austin tropical fish store will have half off of everything on Black Friday, including the ladies (kxan.com)	(50)
(Some Bluenoser)	Move over UK, there's a new Nanny State. Couple in their 70s hauled in on child abduction suspicion for waving at small boy (ngnews.ca)	(115)
	You know it's going to be a bad day when you wake up face down under a Cessna (latimes.com)	(34)
	Boston Herald headline writers accurately condense 8th amendment lawsuit into five words: "Wife-killing tranny denied electrolysis" (bostonherald.com)	(56)
	Persuading someone to spend £1,200 on a breast lift for you just so that you can find a new home is a sure sign that you're a biatch (metro.co.uk)	(31)
	It's curtains for two in beefeater scandal (smh.com.au)	(46)
	The letter coldly outlined the parents' choices: start paying rent or we throw your children in the trash or use them for medical experiments (boston.com)	(99)
(Andrew Sullivan)	A moving Thanksgiving Day tribute to America expressed with a clarity that perhaps only a conservative, gay, Catholic, pugnacious and irrepressible expatriate Brit could attain. Happy Thanksgiving Fark (mcgillreport.org)	(96)
	♫ ♪ I'm a Rocketman, ditching through the clouds into the sea. And I think it's gonna be a long long swim ♫ ♪ (stuff.co.nz)	(26)
	Photoshop this deep depth Dumbo (spiegel.de)	(30)
	Before you have 15 firefighters and two tankers show up at your home to investigate a strong smell of gas, make sure it isn't just your pig farting (smh.com.au)	(32)
	♫ Grandma got pulled over by a trooper / Driving with a kid Thanksgiving Eve / You may say that jailing her's excessive / But then again, she blew point four fifteen ♫ (news.cincinnati.com)	(79)
	News: Man gets stuck in underground crevice known as the "Birth Canal" for nearly 24 hours before rescuers free him. Fark: They accidently drop him back in and he's stuck again (sltrib.com)	(98)
	Burger King unveils 1000 calorie monster burger. Just looking at it is enough to give you a heart attack (3news.co.nz)	(177)
	The six most horrific lessons ever taught in elementary school (cracked.com)	(71)
	Thirty-two percent of American men are obviously watching Alton Brown more than the Dallas Cowboys this year (fe2.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(141)
	Old and Busted: Crashing a wedding reception. New Hotness: Crashing Obama's first State Dinner (news.yahoo.com)	(77)
(Wikileaks)	Truthers won't be getting much sleep this week after Wikileaks posts 573,000 pager messages from 9/11 (911.wikileaks.org)	(266)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this Unisphere (themorningnews.org)	(33)
	Coño man, it has been 10 years since Elián touch our hearts, Ft Lauderdale (miamiherald.com)	(57)
	Theme of Farktography Contest No. 238: "Hello Old Friend. It's Nice to Meet You.". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme (farktography.net)	(124)

Wed November 25, 2009

	Actual headline: "Atlantis glides home with choked pee nozzle." Subby is hoping that's how his night ends too (theregister.co.uk)	(38)
	Judge sentences killer to two life sentences plus 498 years (kansascity.com)	(62)
	Dundee girlfriend does what any Scotswoman would do in her place (thescottishsun.co.uk)	(128)
	Atheist group asks to put up sign honoring war veterans near Christmas display. Pennsylvania town responds by outlawing Christmas displays, claiming "the liberals" have destroyed Christmas (pennlive.com)	(877)
	Scientists have now created a baby bottle that heats itself up in 60 seconds. A perfect gift for parents who can't be troubled to spend that kind of time on their children (dailymail.co.uk)	(148)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this guy in reflective shades (dl.dropbox.com)	(94)
	Suing Activision over World of Warcraft? Don't forget to subpoena Depeche Mode and Winona Rider, since she can "explain the significance of alienation in Catcher in the Rye." Makes sense (kotaku.com)	(274)
	Hannity: This is one of the coldest years on record, so global warming is a hoax. Science: This is one of the warmest years on record, so Hannity is a douche (feeds.mediamatters.org)	(1253)
(Some bereaved bovine)	Spotted cow removed from Mad River in NY. The image in your mind's eye is wrong (lacrossetribune.com)	(91)
	This is why you can't have nice things, America: "rather than a retelling of the Nativity story there will be a disco, a contemporary circus, a continental market and a seven foot fairy on stilts." (corner.nationalreview.com)	(458)
	Canadian judge rules that the Happy Gilmore golf swing is wrong, biatch (features.csmonitor.com)	(90)
	News media reports that Obama has pardoned his first turkey. AIG and GM beg to differ (fe18.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(179)
	It's the Fark Annual Thanksgiving Eve Draw A Hand Turkey For Mom Contest. Past losers include Jerry Garcia and James Doohan. LGT last year's results. VE. Gobble Gobble (fark.com)	(58)
(Some Guy)	Man smokes pack of cigarettes then hangs himself. See, those things will kill you (ydr.inyork.com)	(71)
	Students angry over dress code stage a protest, learn the school can in fact suspend all 1,500 of them (ajc.com)	(362)
(Some Guy)	Georgia Supreme Court reverses theft conviction, rules a riding lawn mower isn't a "motor vehicle" (rn-t.com)	(49)
(WTHR)	Indiana schools face an epidemic of "ball tapping." You thought of a better headline, but were too busy crying on the floor in the fetal position to submit it (wthr.com)	(347)
	Don't tase me, doe (theglobeandmail.com)	(55)
	Obvious tag doesn't come even close: "Thanksgiving gatherings could spread swine flu" (msnbc.msn.com)	(64)
	Two arrested for threatening YouTube rap, are sentenced to read 80,000 barely literate YouTube comments (upi.com)	(87)
(Some Guy)	Another reason China is kicking our ass: Push button boob jobs with instant D-liscious results (weirdasianews.com)	(∞)
	"It often is reported that 46 million turkeys will be eaten on Thanksgiving, and that it is the busiest travel time of the year. Government statistics suggest that neither claim is accurate." (online.wsj.com)	(51)
	It's not quite Thanksgiving yet, but the Christmas trees are already trying to kill us all (thelocal.de)	(54)
	You claim the government owes you $200 million. Do you c) rent a van, hang a "My $200 Million Dollars" sign on it, park in the middle of the street two blocks from the White House, and start throwing Molotov cocktails? (myfoxdc.com)	(77)
	If at first you don't succeed at breaking into a supermarket, trap, trap yourself in the ventilation system five years later (orlandosentinel.com)	(26)
	Studies show that men who stifle their anger at work are more than twice as likely to die of a heart attack; those that don't are more than twice as likely to die of malnutrition and exposure from living in a cardboard box (news.yahoo.com)	(297)
	Photoshop this semiconductor tracker barrel (inapcache.boston.com)	(48)
	Dog works the drive-through at a convenience store (with awesome picture of the employee) (tampabay.com)	(282)
(Some Chick)	Ten secret text message codes parents need to pay special attention to. NALOPKT (wbtv.com)	(631)
	You know that guy who spent 23 years in a coma but aware of everything going on? Even money says it's a hoax (msnbc.msn.com)	(309)
	Police searching for the grinch or grinches who crushed a gingerbread town containing 650 gingerbread homes. "The people who did this must be full of gingerbread dust. They will smell a long way." (news.com.au)	(33)
	Lovers reportedly have sex in clock tower in broad daylight - of course that's only second hand (telegraph.co.uk)	(60)
(Some Guy)	Irish turn their annual Christmas lighting ceremony into a drunken riot. Once again (belfasttelegraph.co.uk)	(86)
	Musician appeals for return of stolen tiki. The curse never ends, Greg (nzherald.co.nz)	(34)
	Ten tips to ease the hassles of holiday flying. 'Staying home' conspicuously absent (usatoday.com)	(51)
	For those with all day to work out, doing a Sudoku puzzle burns an amazing 90 calories an hour (dailymail.co.uk)	(38)
(Some Guy)	Man kills his second girlfriend because she wouldn't help him dispose of his first girlfriend's body (ktla.com)	(82)
	Man in mall food court shoots himself in the knee, presumably in an attempt to avoid the persistent bourbon chicken lady (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(59)
	Incredible gallery of Cockermouth floods, 72 nightmarish Cumbria shots (bbc.co.uk)	(44)
(journal times)	Man loses semi-truck and 5-year-old son at strip club. Why yes, drinking was involved (journaltimes.com)	(40)
(Galileo, Galileo)	Photoshop this inauguration (esa.int)	(44)

Tue November 24, 2009

	Navy SEALS capture alleged terrorist behind Fallujah killings and mutilations, promptly face charges because they gave him a fat lip when they captured him (foxnews.com)	(485)
(Some Guy)	School district initiates hiring freeze.* (*Except for teachers, principals, assistant principals, cafeteria managers, school police officers, bus drivers, teachers' assistants, education aides and special education assistants) (dailynews.com)	(55)
(Some Guy)	Man robs bank, leaves crying - possibly withdrawn (ktla.com)	(16)
	"Godfather of Spam" sentenced to 51 months of meat in his can (arstechnica.com)	(70)
(Some Guy)	Goodnight Keith Moon (goodnightkeithmoon.com)	(103)
(Some Guy)	"Gunfight at Chicken World Leaves One Dead." Looks like someone went off half-cocked, but I think this reporter still deserves a Pullet Surprise (wsbtv.com)	(51)
	RCMP looking for millions in gold missing from Canada's mint have concluded that there was no theft involved, which leaves a relieved nation with only two alternate explanations: magic or gross incompetence (canada.com)	(72)
	Star Wars Facebook status updates. Something something Dark Side something something (collegehumor.com)	(97)
	"Polish-your-resume" unlikely: I don't recall leaking secret information about my political enemies. "Buy lube" unlikely: I don't recall firing that shotgun at police and anyway it was an accident (metrowestdailynews.com)	(31)
	Train Man (nydailynews.com)	(74)
(ABA Journal)	Celebrated trial lawyer died driving unsafe and uncrashworthy SUV on negligently designed and maintained road that one or more persons had maliciously allowed to become wet in the rain. He never had a chance (abajournal.com)	(78)
	Even the judge agrees there's nothing wrong with a little tongue (nwfdailynews.com)	(19)
	That Kentucky census worker undressed himself, wrote "fed" on his chest, bound himself in duct tape and then hung himself. It's like Houdini but in reverse (cnn.com)	(237)
(mediaite)	Drew Curtis on possible partnerships between Fark and other media outlets: "I can't go into any great detail because if it turns out some of these ideas suck as much or worse than a travel tab, we'll shiatcan 'em" (mediaite.com)	(225)
	NYT, last year: "Check out these e-mails hacked from a Palin campaign staffer." Last week: "ClimateGate? Sorry; we will not publish illegally obtained e-mails." Bonus: BBC also tried to squash the story for two weeks (media.nationalreview.com)	(916)
	So a pastor, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar (nytimes.com)	(132)
	Yo dawg, we herd you liked Fark, so we put some Twitter in your Fark so you can Facebook while you Gtalk. New profile preferences available (fark.com)	(168)
	Photoshop theme: Great moments in evolution (google.com)	(75)
	If you get lost while going out to get your morning paper, don't be like this guy -- ask for directions BEFORE you're 370 miles from home (metro.co.uk)	(42)
(Some Sick Farker)	Farker Dominee has been in hospital fighting for his life against pneumonia for several days now, and is still in a coma. Details to the left, moral support to the right (farkistan.org)	(269)
	Hey boys, you know that hot teenage girl you were exposing yourself to via webcam? Well, turns out she's a 41-year-old Olympic weightlifter called Alan (news.bbc.co.uk)	(101)
	As President, I believe that robotics can inspire young people to pursue science and engineering. And I also want to keep an eye on those robots in case they try anything (gizmodo.com)	(106)
(Some Guy)	Step 1) Escape prison. Step 2) Steal cigarettes. Step 3) Return to prison with the cigarettes? (ktvu.com)	(41)
	Look at the two women to your left, and the two to your right: One of the women in bed with you right now has an STD (news.yahoo.com)	(537)
	In an event that happened only once in the prior century, but twice in the last five years, hundreds of icebergs have broken off from Antarctica and are heading for New Zealand shipping lanes. Proving once again that global warming is a myth (news.yahoo.com)	(494)
	Taking a bath with your turkey, and other things the Butterball turkey hotline suggests you not do (suntimes.com)	(138)
	You're feuding with the editor of a rival newspaper. Do you c) Commission a naked sculpture of him with a six metre erection for the side of your building (with Not safe for work pic) (thelocal.de)	(70)
	As it turns out, even vegans can't stand "Tofurkey" (edition.cnn.com)	(402)
	Couple who stole home from Alzheimers Patient preparing for an experience they'll never forget (upi.com)	(67)
	Report: 20 Michigan State football players in ski masks 'stormed' MSU dorm in bloody attack, injuring seven - including women (sportsbybrooks.com)	(229)
	Police need to find this woman chop-chop (abclocal.go.com)	(40)
	Several pictures of a squirrel with enormous balls. It's what Fark was made for (dailymail.co.uk)	(120)
	Britain opens official inquiry into Iraq war, appoints insider to run it. Expect hard-hitting answers like "Iraq is in the desert," "soldiers fought there," "pie tastes good" (nytimes.com)	(70)
	Beachfront property owners band together to protest the State adding sand to their beaches. Which are vanishing because of erosion. Good thinking, guys (washingtonpost.com)	(177)
	The Institute for Really Bad Ideas is proud to present its latest breakthrough advertising campaign: A fashion shoot at the Holocaust memorial in Berlin (thelocal.de)	(69)
	How the mighty have fallen. It used to be that one Ranger could roundhouse kick an entire drug cartel in the face. Nowadays it takes two of them to shoot a guy in a wheelchair (torontosun.com)	(49)
	For sale: Charming 3bd 2 bath rancher, with contemporary kitchen, walk-in closets and basement full of hundreds of human remains from disturbed Indian graveyard. Vengeful spirits convey with property (news.yahoo.com)	(148)
	Kangaroo attacks man walking his dog. How roo'd (news.yahoo.com)	(49)
	Nanny state uses new terrorism powers to arrest schizophrenic with an Estes model rocket and a pocket knife (theregister.co.uk)	(122)
(Chicago Tribune)	Chicago: Crashes decreased since we installed red light cameras. Reporters: We checked the numbers and you're lying. Chicago: Crashes are the wrong way to measure effectiveness (chicagotribune.com)	(137)
	Photoshop this commission's news conference (online.wsj.com)	(42)
	While you wait in those lines this Friday for bargain deals, thieves are stealing your delivered packages off the porch (myfoxdc.com)	(98)
	Twelve Iranian couples to be stoned after deciding to give partner swapping a try, demonstrating once again how they do everything backwards over there (smh.com.au)	(413)
(Hexham Courant)	Woman discovers she's not allowed to have two asses (hexham-courant.co.uk)	(50)
	Hanging out on the corner and acting like an ass finally pays off (myfoxdc.com)	(41)
	That's a one spicy molotov (torontosun.com)	(38)
(WA Today)	Plumber wins compensation after being sacked for making sure his pipe was thoroughly cleaned out (watoday.com.au)	(28)
	Sign number 34 the recession is over? Illinois zoo stands to make $16,500 on jewelry made from reindeer crap (qctimes.com)	(41)
(Some Guy)	Campaign season for next Philippine presidential election gets underway, with "Samia Chicken" and "Ultimate Messiah" declaring their candidacies (thehimalayantimes.com)	(43)
(Some Señor)	If you've just rubbed rosemary-infused alcohol all over your body, you may want to wait a bit before lighting up (typicallyspanish.com)	(23)
	Tired of Wasilla getting all the mockery, Juneau couple break neighbors' window, taunt them, then have sex in front of them (fdlreporter.com)	(38)
	Katie Couric, you look good, won't you back that azz up, you's a fine anchorwoman, won't you back that azz up (huffingtonpost.com)	(290)
(Some Apparent Lightweight)	Ft. Lauderdale man smokes 115,000th joint after years of averaging 10 a day, but never gets high. I'm not sure how you've managed after all this practice, but you're doing it wrong (nbcmiami.com)	(119)
	The more germs a child is exposed to during early childhood, the better their immune system in later life. "These germs are actually good for us" (guardian.co.uk)	(181)
	Kirk Camerowned (tmz.com)	(597)
	Photoshop this hypno-gizmo (boingboing.net)	(35)
	Nearly six in ten Mexicans say living in the U.S. is much better than back in Old Mexico. Lou Dobbs' head to explode in 3... 2... 1 (fe17.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(239)
	Charges dropped against dad who drove a drunken intruder away from his wife and young kids... with a samurai sword. There can be only one (news.com.au)	(174)
	The Public Option, which was alive, then dead, then alive, then dead, then alive, then dead, then alive... is now dead? (blogs.abcnews.com)	(240)
	If you are the person who stole more than 1,000,000 bees, please return them as it is nearly pollination season (nzherald.co.nz)	(74)
(Some Guy)	Caption President Obama and his staff overlooking a computer (topcultured.com)	(235)
(The Courier)	Scottish city declines to sanction official drunken street party for New Year's, since citizens manage to have one every other night of the year without any help (thecourier.co.uk)	(28)

Mon November 23, 2009

	Recent immigrants to Canada more likely to be male, younger, better educated, work for smaller companies and undercut wages by $2.28 per hour compared to their Canadian-born counterparts, which explains why they're stealing all the jobs (cbc.ca)	(131)
	Women with a spare tire are more likely to go all whargarbl as they age. As if heart disease, diabetes, and Farkers saying "She sounds fat" weren't bad enough (physorg.com)	(116)
	This may be the worst police sketch in the history of police sketches (dailymail.co.uk)	(98)
	War crimes should be disallowed in video games, just like they are in books, TV, and movies (news.bbc.co.uk)	(171)
(Some Guy)	School board won't allow students to wear anti-Islam t-shirts. ACLU vows legal jihad on their behalf (wptv.com)	(168)
	Rich town will install cameras to photograph every license plate entering town and instantly alert police if they spot a stolen car, a wanted criminal, or the sysadmin's ex-wife's new boyfriend (sfgate.com)	(120)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this race (runner.coleskingdom.com)	(49)
	It's official: Toronto's Royal Ontario Museum is ugly (cbc.ca)	(138)
	News: CPSC announces they'll be announcing a crib recall tomorrow. Fark: They're not going to say which cribs yet. Have fun putting your infants to bed tonight (money.cnn.com)	(80)
	Food-safety lawyer says he no longer eats raw oysters, raw fish, sprouts, bagged leafy greens, hot dogs, unpasteurized juice or milk, and hamburgers (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(188)
	Japanese anime industry is struggling. Will be pushed to the brink of defeat before finally using its once-per-episode superweapon (online.wsj.com)	(535)
	Bethelehem police drop charges against non-tippers. They must have been wise men (consumerist.com)	(234)
	Some ugly ass deep-sea creatures discovered in a Census of Marine Life. #8 will haunt you forever (foxnews.com)	(181)
	Woman fingers man snapping pubics at Publix (www2.tbo.com)	(66)
(Austin Daily Herald)	Grandparents are cool because they let you do things mom and dad won't. Like, say, hanging onto the luggage rack of a Ford Escort while they do drunken donuts on the lawn (austindailyherald.com)	(74)
(TheSunNews.com)	Today's most incoherent actual headline: "Trooper fired after hat fib wants back in" (thesunnews.com)	(119)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this held horse (2.bp.blogspot.com)	(54)
(Drew)	How the Resale Subculture drives Black Friday, why Cyber Monday is a hoax, and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 11/15 to 11/21 (fark.com)	(99)
(KSNT)	Under the new administration, sex slavery for the mentally handicapped is no longer on the list of Medicare-approved therapies (ksnt.com)	(118)
	Van carrying cheerleaders flips, twirls, spins and splits on the interstate (www2.tbo.com)	(93)
	Doctors say rarely-performed "hemicorporectomy" procedure can add years to life of those who need it. But you'd be half the man you used to be (upi.com)	(145)
	Musicians on the road: the insanity, the groupies, the parmesan-crusted duck breast with balsamic reduction (Sponsored link) (ifc.com)	(30)
	Citing huge demand and turnout, NYC health authorities happily confirm .00143% of the city was vaccinated against H1N1 this weekend (1010wins.com)	(102)
	Half of drivers age 18-34 admit texting on the road; the other half reponded with ;) (suntimes.com)	(370)
(Some Guy)	If you're going to hide a sex offender at your home, maybe you shouldn't work for the State Police (wboc.com)	(97)
	Budget cuts, office closures, and staff reductions may mean that visits to the DMV won't provide the same joy-filled blissful escape from the everyday that they once did (usatoday.com)	(111)
	Not news: Transit police officer forces passenger's head into a reinforced glass window. News: Window shatters and cuts the passenger and the officer up. FARK: Passenger is charged with assault for cutting the officer (cnn.com)	(397)
(Some Guy)	The coolest CG portraits you'll see today (noupe.com)	(151)
	Authorities decry assault on 12-year-old California boy as a result of "Kick A Ginger Day" internet posting, but add that if anyone wants to punch David Caruso, that would be ok (suntimes.com)	(178)
(Some Guy)	Vatican hosts conference on extrasolar life, highlights need for that whole warp-drive thing (christianpost.com)	(122)
	He brings a shotgun, you bring a bagel cart. That's the Orlando way (orlandosentinel.com)	(28)
(Some Guy)	CDC Releases H1N1.6 Service Pack 2 (NSFWish ads) (crystalair.com)	(39)
	Welcome home Captain. Thank you for serving your country. Get ready for your Big Mac attack (nypost.com)	(149)
	Woman dies after crashing a stolen U-Haul truck. It's a very moving story (khou.com)	(70)
	Housing prices, bombs go through the roof in Kabul (news.bbc.co.uk)	(15)
(News-Press)	The dream: solo deer-hunting in the heart of the Everglades. The reality: limping lost through a swamp in your underwear, surviving on raw catfish and frogs (news-press.com)	(117)
	'Anti monkey butt' powder gets to the bottom of things (hamptonroads.com)	(95)
(The Next Reporter)	Charles Manson... you ARE the father (thenextreporter.com)	(260)
	Photoshop this "Picture this" (spiegel.de)	(27)
	Dude, hand me that BB gun and hold my beer. This is gonna be awesome (miamiherald.com)	(52)
(The News Tribune)	If you and a passenger crashed into a river near Tacoma, rescue crews hope to find you and puyallup real soon (blog.thenewstribune.com)	(58)
	The origin of species found in British toilet. The book, that is (abc.net.au)	(68)
	58-year old Chesley "Sully" Sullenburger says that his heroic landing of a jet in the Hudson river brought him "rock star sex" with his wife (usatoday.com)	(145)
(Some Really Dumb Guy)	How do you take a not-so-serious crime to the next level? Gesture to the judge that you're going to slice her throat, of course (ksallink.com)	(42)
(Wausatosa Now)	Can there really be too many places to buy beer in one city? (wauwatosanow.com)	(48)
	Couple leaves their brand new dryer on the sidewalk, right next to their old dryer, get upset when the city hauls both units to the dump (dailymail.com)	(84)
	County jail inmates denied hot meals for past five weeks because of broken kettles for boiling and heating. As God is my witness, I thought turnkeys could fry (ajc.com)	(68)
	So it turns out you're not fat because you're eating too many calories, carbs or fat. It's apparently that you're not eating enough Jesus (dailymail.co.uk)	(120)

Sun November 22, 2009

	Not news: woman wants twins. News: woman already has thirteen kids. Fark: names include Peppermint, Echo, Rogue, Frodo, Morpheus, Blackbird and Voorhees. The Sun is there, and there, and there, and there (thesun.co.uk)	(239)
	Photoshop this immune system test (farm4.static.flickr.com)	(43)
	Lots and lots of people would rather die than continue working for France Telecom (cbsnews.com)	(158)
	Doctors discover patient trapped in a 23-year 'coma' has been conscious all along (dailymail.co.uk)	(357)
	Despite efforts to discourage them, Iraqi refugees keep flocking to Detroit, since living in a war-torn third world hellhole reminds them of home (msnbc.msn.com)	(145)
	Congratulations to the unnamed motorist who received Virginia's first $1,000 traffic ticket for his/her fourth HOV (high occupancy vehicle) lane violation (washingtonpost.com)	(213)
(NBC Bay Area)	If you are in Salinas, CA on Tuesday night and find yourself at a DUI checkpoint, you will either be going to jail or getting a free turkey (nbcbayarea.com)	(91)
(THR)	Next on the docket: Case No. 1950cv05050: Mouse vs. Duck for trademark infringement. Bonus: The summons was served by Goofy (thresq.com)	(31)
	The coolest Human-Powered Road-Going Viking Boat you'll see today (statesman.com)	(50)
	Kid with terminal cancer is close to death and doesn't want to burden his family with restoring his prized Pontiac Fiero. Help comes in from all over the world. Hero tag runs over Dumbass tag for restoring a Fiero (startribune.com)	(175)
(Marietta Daily Journal)	Georgia's Supreme Court made it legal for 16-year-olds to fark their teachers last year, but wouldn't you know it, some party-poopers are trying to change that. Why won't they think of the children? (mdjonline.com)	(60)
(Some Guy)	When your guys are already out there on camera beating up protesters and gadflies, it's a really bad time to start a fight with the Boy Scouts (moelane.com)	(79)
(Some NASA Contest)	Design a patch for the final shuttle mission. Difficulty: has to include mission number STS-134 (collectspace.com)	(37)
	Another sign of a reviving economy: Michael Jackson's glove sells for $350,000, his fedora for $22,000 and his collection of Diana Ross albums for $10,000 (hosted.ap.org)	(36)
	Flooding continues in Lancashire. Maybe if they drilled some drainage holes...about 4,000 should do the trick (lancashiretelegraph.co.uk)	(84)
	Man to marry his virtual girlfriend this weekend. Newlyweds will honeymoon at resort basement with a window view outside (foxnews.com)	(120)
	Ahmadinejad in Tehran has a plot / But the US and Israelis think not / So they'll ready their planes / Cos they think he's insane / And build the world's biggest glass parking lot (news.bbc.co.uk)	(168)
	Be glad for the tryptophan in the turkey on Thanksgiving. It blocks the 9 aphrodisacs from turning family dinner into a hillbilly honeymoon (examiner.com)	(37)
	Las Vegas passes law requiring all dogs and cats be sterilized. You bet your dog wants a bus ticket. So does your cat (examiner.com)	(215)
	Brits up in arms over proposal to have their national health system provide counseling to couples whose marriages are on the rocks. Not like there's any link between relationship stability and health, after all (mailonsunday.co.uk)	(50)
	46 years ago today, a single man killed JFK (jfk-assassination.de)	(412)
	Tween pop star holds concert in mall. A twangle of tweens riot before show begins. Police arrest tween star's manager for failing to twitter to the tweens about the twangle. All twue (cbs4.com)	(107)
	Nurturing, caring and not-at-all helicoptery Manhattan parents hire tutors to get their kids ahead on the big entrance exam...for kindergarten (nytimes.com)	(120)
	Iran to conduct another photoshop exercise (cnn.com)	(22)
	Photoshop these desktop dispensers (inapcache.boston.com)	(15)
	Earth's weather like you have never seen it before... with a little help from NASA's GEOS-5 atmospheric general circulation model (gizmodo.com)	(83)
(Zim Diaspora)	Running errands for his job, man is kidnapped by 3 women, locked in a church, forced to have sex, then dumped at a shopping center. Cool story, bro (zimdiaspora.com)	(97)
	The Statue of Liberty. Mount Rushmore. The Washington Monument. And now, Billy Carter's gas station. Wait, what? (chicagotribune.com)	(31)
	Britain's new internet law is as bad as everyone's been saying, and worse. Much, much worse (boingboing.net)	(159)
(Asbury Park Press)	Macy's Thanksgiving parade changes route; Charlie Brown balloon to get a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue (app.com)	(46)
(Some Guy)	School board expels student for having legally possessed, unloaded shotguns off school property. In other news, schools are using dogs to search parked cars anywhere they damn well please, because it's for the children (chicoer.com)	(256)
(Amazon)	The greatest Amazon customer reviews you'll read since the Tuscan Milk. Bonus product pictures (amazon.com)	(71)
(Tech Generation)	Scottish "brain scientist" urges schools to ditch computers for something called "books." With picture of what books might look like (tgdaily.com)	(41)
	Ft. Hood shooter paralyzed, incontinent, reports Journal of the World's Tiniest Violin (abcnews.go.com)	(306)
	If you are receiving monthly insurance checks because you have claimed you are too depressed to work, it would be wise not to post pictures of yourself smiling in a bikini on the beach on Facebook (google.com)	(198)
(ABC27)	Radiation leak reported at Three Mile Island nuclear plant, no danger to public reported. No, this is not a repeat from 1979 (whtm.com)	(105)
	Fun-loving San Francisco cable car decides to give passengers an impromptu reminder of Newton's First Law of Motion (foxnews.com)	(37)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this flagrant foul (markshannon.com)	(30)
(Some Guy)	From The Article: He confessed saying he had snapped when he saw her shock at finding him masturbating while pulling on a scarf tied tight around his neck (croatiantimes.com)	(66)

Sat November 21, 2009

(News 1130)	You've shot yourself in the foot. Do you a) go to the hospital, b) call an ambulance, or c) try to handle it yourself, and die from loss of blood/shock? (news1130.com)	(113)
	Man attacked by assailants intent on stealing loaf of bread. It's a wonder he survived (signonsandiego.com)	(105)
	Progress: Story about cat stuck on top of utility pole has video. Fail: three minutes of cat's owner saying how smart her cat is, zero minutes of rescue. Adapt or die, newspapers (telegram.com)	(39)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this room under construction (rit.edu)	(53)
(Tribune-Review)	Pittsburgh plans to tax college students, wants them to pay fair share (pittsburghlive.com)	(186)
	Genetics anti-bias law takes effect today, forcing insurance companies, employers to use outward appearance to discriminate against you (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(94)
(Some slow moving Guy)	It's a boy: Zoo tortoise reveals mistaken identity after 50 years, so the zoo renamed the tortoise Terry formally known as Mary (content.usatoday.net)	(66)
(Some Guy)	Like some Farkers' dream girls, this suspect had nice melons and 800 pounds of pot. Unfortunately, that's where the similarities end (ocala.com)	(45)
	When schools remove chocolate milk from the cafeteria they are simultanously bombarded with student protests and expensive dairy industry media campaigns (latimes.com)	(104)
	Funny, subby's cold-as-a-fish ex-wife is also named Wendy. I hope this doesn't get greenlit (time.com)	(191)
(Oxford Mail Guy)	Not news: dark-skinned man illegally parks car in London. Still not news: it's a riced-out Honda. Fark: cops blow it up as a terrorist threat (oxfordmail.co.uk)	(117)
	Not-Christmas not-tree decorated with not-lights will sit on city common this generic holiday season (telegram.com)	(59)
	Rice paddy art. Sure it's a slide show, but if they can plan and plant this and erect a tower to view it from, surely you can manage to move your mouse (telegraph.co.uk)	(41)
(Some Guy)	University bars 30+ students from graduating due to their obesity. This headline would have been funnier, but I'm busy trying to explain to my parents why I won't be getting my degree in Communications (thedailybeast.com)	(153)
	School for the blind in Baghdad gets aid shipment. I SAID SCHOOL FOR THE BLIND IN BAGHDAD GETS AID SHIPMENT (cnn.com)	(57)
	Okay, NOW you can officially panic (upi.com)	(141)
	People shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that ads urging you to sell old jewellery for cash may not be as glittering as they seem (dailymail.co.uk)	(98)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop these airborne angry abstracts (fwystudios.com)	(33)
(The Pulse)	One would think that packing heat in a bar is a recipe for disaster. Sadly, it took one of those crazy "activist judges" to finally use some common sense (chattanoogapulse.com)	(225)
	Duke of Northumberland, who owns Hogwarts, is not real Duke of Northumberland, alleges retired hockey player from New Zealand (telegraph.co.uk)	(26)
	Nearly 40% of all Americans ages 18 to 24 were enrolled in college this year, ensuring us a future of very well educated fast food workers and Walmart clerks (fe17.story.media.ac4.yahoo.com)	(167)
(Reading Eagle)	If you stole someone's five-foot good luck distelfink, the Pennsylvania Dutch would like to speak to you, and remind you that stealing good luck symbols is bad luck (readingeagle.com)	(27)
	Semi-nude Victoria's Secret fashion models reveal untold talents and you've already clicked the link, haven't you? Have I told you about my mother lately? No, she's doing fine, just making cheesecake and some muffins this morning (abcnews.go.com)	(200)
	If police are kind enough to place your bank robbery note in front of you, you might as well eat it. Claim is was bad poetry later (with dashcam munching video) (ohio.com)	(36)
	Burka Barbie (dailymail.co.uk)	(66)
(Some Guy)	The US Postal Service agrees to allow Santa's enslaved work force to continue to receive his mail (newsminer.com)	(36)
(Intelligencer)	General Washington and Continental Army worry that park closure may disrupt secret plan to cross Delaware, surprise Hessians at Trenton (phillyburbs.com)	(26)
(asylum.com)	Certain letters burn out on Elmhurst Hospital sign to create second sign full of win (asylum.com)	(96)
	Two-year-old Shyla, a cat-loving chihuahua, decided to start nursing seven abandoned kittens, just in time for Caturday (stuff.co.nz)	(lots)
	Man arrested at airport with 15 live lizards strapped to chest. Custom agents became suspicious after hearing voices with Cockney accents offering a savings of 15% on car insurance (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(30)
(Some Guy)	There isn't a facepalm big enough: couple claims Michael Jackson is appearing in their child's ultrasound. "It is my seventh child, and seven is a mythical number." (shieldsgazette.com)	(86)
	♫ I took a little souvenir-o of a man / Stole a tooth, stole a tooth, fingers and a ver-te-bra / Hidden out of sight, but now they'll see the light again / GALILEO galileo GALILEO galileo Galileo Figaro / Magnificoooooo ♫ (google.com)	(42)
	Man offers to pay kid to spit in his face, gets arrested. In related news, "annoying a child" is a crime. Don't anyone tell subby's teenager (vcstar.com)	(22)
	Police To Man: Why did you crash into this building? Man: Because the FBI have a mind-reading device in there, of course. Police: This isn't an FBI building (wcco.com)	(40)
	Photoshop these spotted sea squirts (photography.nationalgeographic.com)	(27)
(Limerick Leader)	100-foot Christmas Tree crashes into bridge, makes its presents felt (limerickleader.ie)	(79)