Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		Forest Whitaker credits his 80-pound weight loss to a vegetarian diet, thinks about changing his name to "Leaf"  (contactmusic.com)	(14)

Hello, this is Phil. We found your lost vehicle. You had crashed it in a different place than you thought. But it's still on the Moon  (sciencedaily.com)

(101)

Crude oil prices fall below $80 per barrel on word that Kate Winslet is single again  (upi.com)

(29)

(Middle East Online)

With the removal of Saddam Hussein, Iraqi women have lost their western-style rights and been placed under oppressive religious rule. Mission Accomplished  (middle-east-online.com)

(217)

Today is France vs. Italy in Six Nations rugby. Come for Mathieu Bastareaud's standing ovation from the bench, stay to see Italy get crushed to dust  (guardian.co.uk)

(14)

Victoria Jackson provides thoughtful insight into gun control. Just kidding, she says she was accosted outside a nightclub and wished she had a gun so she could blow her attacker's brains out. Because clearly, guns solve all problems  (bighollywood.breitbart.com)

(207)

		Since Ari Fleischer is helping out Tiger Woods get his tarnished image cleaned up again, let's take a look at some of the other Bush Administration flacks and what they're up to now  (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(31)
		The Washington Capitals are the first team to clinch their division...with just over 80% of the season finished  (nhl.com)	(122)

(NME)

The Gorillaz and The Clash, together at last  (nme.com)

(15)

		"Alice in Wonderland" trailer mashed up with Lady Gaga, just as weird, twice as awesome  (youtube.com)	(27)
		Former Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY) accomplished little in his year-plus in Congress, sexually harassed a male staffer and was pressured to resign. So, naturally, Beck and Limbaugh consider him a hero  (politico.com)	(45)

		Keep on drinking the Haterade, haters, but Second Life entrepeneurs cashed out over 50 million real dollars last year  (washingtonpost.com)	(54)
		That weird lady who rushed up and interrupted Oscar speech of the Best Documentary Short director? She's his collaborator, they're not speaking, and his mom blocked her with a cane to get him to the mic first  (salon.com)	(93)
		Sarah Palin's palm-scribbles are justified because God did it too, according to an article not published by The Onion  (tpmlivewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(124)

Despite being Tim Burton's second-worst movie after "Ed Wood", "Alice in Wonderland" has smashed March box office records  (hollywoodinsider.ew.com)

(108)

Piston Rodney Stuckey collapses on bench during game rushed away in ambulance  (chicagobreakingsports.com)

(38)

		This is the woman who crashed her Honda repeatedly into a Ferrari dealership... well, before she became a meth queen  (jalopnik.com)	(36)
		As with the whole "Vaccinations cause Autism" thing, people jump on controversial papers when they are published, but pay no attention when they are retracted. There goes the science  (scientificamerican.com)	(53)

(Some Author)		An American editor of an Italian journal is sued by an Israeli author for running a negative review by a German about her book which was published in the Netherlands. Obviously, the trial will be held in France  (thebigquestions.com)	(53)
		Apparently, while nobody was looking, Zak Penn went ahead and finished up the Avengers screenplay  (movies.ign.com)	(8)
		Pop singer Shakira given a medal by the UN for her her work helping impoverished children, and her achievements in the field of having a sweet, sweet, ass  (aolnews.com)	(234)

(Some Guy)		German scientists have rubbished NASA scientists who claim that the Chile earthquake moved the Earth's axis by eight centimetres. German scientists: "No chance"  (bild.de)	(111)
		Robert Pattinson offered to strip naked for a full-frontal photoshoot in Details magazine, "but nobody wanted to see it" so he didn't, disappointing millions of gay men, teenaged girls and women whose marriages died years ago  (starpulse.com)	(107)
		Religious group wants "Killer" whale punished biblically... and they've got the stones to do it  (huffingtonpost.com)	(264)

		It's okay if you bring your 14-month old to the bar. And it's okay if you get sloshed in front of her. But demanding that other patrons "mind their language" and "stop acting so drunk" is just crossing the line  (cnn.com)	(388)
		Because rebooting one established franchise isn't enough for Marvel, they're retooling the X-Men. As long as Bendis isn't around, it might be good  (io9.com)	(55)

		Students think their "lap dance teachers" didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't be punished, and that in return for this support, they shouldn't ever get homework again  (cnews.canoe.ca)	(69)
(Studies in Crap)		Still better than "Superman Returns": in 1980 DC published a comic for Radio Shack where Superman teaches school kids why they should buy $499 TRS-80 "microcomputers"  (blogs.pitch.com)	(79)

Obama starts process of bringing Japan's bullet-train system to America, based on fact that it's tried-and-true technology, has never crashed, and is greener than cars. "U.S. bullet trains would probably require larger seats"  (search.japantimes.co.jp)

(357)

General David Petraeus launches a three-pronged offensive against Cheneyism. Mission Accomplished  (huffingtonpost.com)

(187)

(Some Canuck)

"The witness, who wished to remain anonymous, said he had just parked his vehicle when he observed several women crouching down, appearing to have a conversation with the Grand Prix's tail lights"  (windsorstar.com)

(48)

A caller to Leo Laporte's radio show wonders why her wi-fi connection -- which she's never paid for -- has suddenly vanished  (youtube.com)

(182)

New just-published study reveals key contributor to atmospheric warming. Scientists: It's cars  (physorg.com)

(59)

Teen with brass balls pulls woman, two children from car stuck on tracks moments before train smashed into it  (sacbee.com)

(112)

In search of London's "best" meat pies with mashed potatoes, eels, and watery parsley gravy. And this nation once ruled half the globe?  (washingtonpost.com)

(194)

Then I said, "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?" The cop said, "I got really, really tanked and crashed my car into the storefront."  (foxnews.com)

(47)

Poorly tattooed Asian MySpace dwarf slut Tila Tequila rushed to hospital after she "dented" her head. And, yes, she was Tweeting the whole time  (tmz.com)

(84)

(Some Red Liner)

The DC Metro's spotless record tarnished with this morning's train derailment  (wmata.com)

(83)

Bill Clinton rushed to NY hospital with heart problem. Details, updates, Clinton expected to come soon    (abcnews.go.com)

(406)

(ZUG)		Scientists convince people they're weightless, create fake science, and build a real nuclear reactor in a shed. For fun  (zug.com)	(49)
		With winter at around the mid-way point, I wished it was April in Paris (sung by the legendary Ella Fitzgerald)  (youtube.com)	(13)

		The Argentine artist who received a six-figure check from the Canadian Arts Council to fund the creation of a 300-meter-long inflatable banana to fly over Texas in protest of President Bush's policies has cashed the check and skipped town  (corner.nationalreview.com)	(70)
		City dog park comes complete with its own beach with replenished sand, offshore rip-rap barrier. Your dog wants sunscreen  (www2.tbo.com)	(42)

		Struggling screenwriters everywhere about to be pushed over the edge by news that the "Stretch Armstong" movie is about to be made, starring one of those sparkly monster kids  (aintitcool.com)	(21)
		Why did Alito mouth "not true" when Obama accused him of overturning 100 years of settled law with his recent campaign finance ruling? Because Alito believes the Supreme Court threw out only 25 years of established law not 100  (news.yahoo.com)	(258)

(Some Toothy Grins)

Shane MacGowan, Nick Cave, and Johnny Depp have finished recording their charity single for Haiti. To paraphrase Meatloaf, two out of three ain't bad  (digitalspy.co.uk)

(23)

		Joe Biden's Oscar Pick? He likes uhhh, ummm, uhhh, ummm, uhhh, ummm this new program he looked at that he wished he had seen in 3D in which you can watch a science fiction thing unfold in front of you  (abcnews.go.com)	(76)
		Patrick Stewart, "I have a stack of games, I've never taken the covers off them, because I feel that if I do, I'm finished."  (kotaku.com)	(108)

Exposure to luxury can make people more self-interested and less ethical, according to impoverished researchers  (calgaryherald.com)

(43)

A car, originally designed by a coke-head, is polished to a mirror finish. Now that's efficiency  (jalopnik.com)

(104)

		The 15 most tortured fanbases according to the Sports Guy. Congratulations Cubs fans, you finally finished first at something  (sports.espn.go.com)	(154)
		Now that J.D. Salinger has died, many are asking what is stashed in the author's safe. Whatever it may be, don't let Geraldo Rivera open it  (abcnews.go.com)	(82)

Dannii Minogue is writing her life story. It's expected to be published on pages six, seven, and eight of The National Enquirer  (contactmusic.com)

(34)

NATO considering negotiating a truce with Taliban in Afghanistan, consulting with former US president on designs for their own Mission Accomplished banner  (ctv.ca)

(69)

(Some Guy)		Brett Favre is a game away from leading the Vikings to a Super Bowl, Ted Kennedy's Senate seat now belongs to a Republican, and Jon Stewart just utterly thrashed Keith Olbermann. We are through the looking-glass here, people  (videos.mediaite.com)	(189)
(Some Guy)		Comcast employee stabbed in neck, rushed to hospital, surgery scheduled for next Tuesday sometime between 8am and 5pm    (wfsb.com)	(72)

Supreme Court rejects judicial activism, ruggedly overturns 100 years established law in favor of plaintiffs who were litigating on a completely different question  (cnn.com)

(lots)

Gene Hackman quit acting six years ago. "Even now, the fact that one of our most accomplished actors hasn't appeared in a film since 2004, and has said he won't be doing any more, has barely gotten a mention"  (newsweek.com)

(119)

(Some Guy)		Restaurant robbed by a pair of ninjas, who reportedly vanished without a trace. Well, duh  (blogs.westword.com)	(57)
		Man rushed to hospital with acute neck injuries from an angle-grinder accident  (news.com.au)	(68)

(Some Guy)

No good deed goes unpunished as man who fills expired parking meters gets arrested  (kptv.com)

(59)

"I know our plane just crashed, and, if you're like me, you need to get home and change your underwear. But, would you like to go out to dinner sometime?"  (huffingtonpost.com)

(35)

(10 TV News Ohio)		Bus drivers caught peeing behind dumpster. Transit authority pissed; have flushed the culprits out and terminated their income stream. Urine trouble if you think discharge won't stick  (10tv.com)	(54)
(WLFI)		Haiti was warned in 2008 about the fault under Port-au-Prince, but the impoverished nation took little action, concerned about other major threats. Like, you know, famine  (wlfi.com)	(218)
		If you're going to do something conspicuous like follow your girlfriend into the ladies room to help her out of her trousers because she just varnished her nails, leave your weed behind  (lep.co.uk)	(26)
		North Carolina man gets $50k fine, one year in prison for selling: c) Ginseng. Mission Accomplished  (charlotteobserver.com)	(78)

Anti-vaccine nutbar sues scientist who dared to disagree with her, then calls for open debate about vaccines just before she gets crushed by a 16-ton weight with the word "Irony" written on it  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

(126)

		RDJ opts out of Cowboys & Aliens. If only there was an established space cowboy actor who could Fillion for him    (hollywoodinsider.ew.com)	(50)
		Man crushed by falling computer gear, will forever be in our memory    (abc.net.au)	(151)

(Hope Springs Eternal)		Newspapers still ahead in local news, says study reported on by an international news agency, published by a newspaper owned by the largest U.S. newspaper conglomerate, and submitted to whatever they're calling Fark these days  (news-leader.com)	(32)
		This man wanted to join his girlfriend in her jail cell. To do so, he called 911 claiming he'd crashed his car into a house. And that his cat had attacked him. And that someone was going to shoot up the police station  (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)	(14)

This understated yet powerful Cabernet Sauvignon, with its aggressive flavor, bold aroma, and strong color, is the wine of choice for home invasion victims. Enjoy it in a glass or smashed against an intruder's head  (mcall.com)

(67)

		Married people have to pay more than single people under rules in health care bills. As if they weren't punished enough  (online.wsj.com)	(123)
(NBC Sports)		Tune in next week for "Ram Sheds his Horns" or "The Battle of the Bulger"  (profootballtalk.nbcsports.com)	(35)

		Canadian govt : We'll arrest and fine anyone who collect lobsters that washed up on the beach because they weren't caught under license. Mayor of St John: STFU and pass the melted butter  (upi.com)	(110)
(Popeater.com)		Gary Coleman rushed to hospital after reported petit mal seizure, will be released after short stay  (popeater.com)	(52)

		Howard Stern sidekick and heroin afficianado Artie Lange rushed to the hospital. Again. This is not a repeat from last week, three weeks ago, a month back, Thanksgiving, Flag Day, or 2000-2008  (examiner.com)	(84)
		Bono thinks we need Chinese-style controls on the Internet to protect impoverished rock stars from the ravages of file-sharing  (cbc.ca)	(173)

		ESPN Commentator Craig James should be dusting off his resume about now  (cbssports.com)	(150)
		2009 end of year wrap up: S&P 500 up 23%, Dow up 19%, Nasdaq up 44% and jobless claims fall to lowest level since July 2008  (money.cnn.com)	(99)
		London Times first published 225 years ago today; first issue had 3 columns of news, 10 of advertising, prompting Drew of Frankfforte to write "Farkke: How Ye Maedia Passeth Crappe off as Ye News."  (timesonline.co.uk)	(29)

Tracy Morgan seen bursting into sex shop hollering for some "motion lotion," rushed back into his waiting BMW  (nypost.com)

(59)

(What Does It Mean?)		Barack Obama was 'rushed' from a golf course in Hawaii to a secure bunker after a failed CIA assassination attempt  (whatdoesitmean.com)	(136)
		Injured drunk woman treated at hospital after she conveniently crashed her car into it  (buffalonews.com)	(26)

(Some Guy)

U.S. intelligence concludes document published by Rupert Murdoch's news outlets on an Iranian "neutron initiator" to be total B.S  (afterdowningstreet.org)

(193)

(Some Guy)

Not News: Student punished for sneaking out of school. News: Student's punishment is standing outside in the cold. Fark: Principal goes drinking and leaves student to die  (chinadaily.com.cn)

(149)

(Some Resting Guy)

Photoshop this bushed guy  (bigpicture.ru)

(26)

		NRO has finally gone too far - they have insulted Jean Luc Picard: "[TNG's] messages are unabashedly liberal ones of the early post-Cold War era - peace, tolerance, due process, progress." And they mean that in a bad way  (corner.nationalreview.com)	(500)
(Gateway Pundit)		Obama now more loathed than Bush was at the end of his second term. Mission Accomplished: 1, Hope & Change: 0  (gatewaypundit.firstthings.com)	(554)

Location of Pete Townshend's first smashed guitar declared historial building. Stage where Jim Morrison pulled down his pants, hotel room where Bowie slept with Jagger and first show Iggy Pop passed out while on stage considered next  (contactmusic.com)

(8)

Ugly assed ♬baby beluga, baby beluga in the deep blue sea♬ born at Shedd Aquarium  (chicagotribune.com)

(36)

Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) flies to Copenhagen to make a fool of himself to one reporter. Mission Accomplished  (huffingtonpost.com)

(155)

		It's taken about two decades to build Maryland's 19-mile Inter-County Connector, and now that it's almost finished the tolls are so high that nobody can use it  (washingtonpost.com)	(197)
		"The Lingerie Football League season isn't over. And the Seattle Mist has some unfinished business to tend to"  (blog.seattlepi.com)	(50)

"So much for hell being unleashed." It's your Week 15, ESPN NFL Power Rankings  (espn.go.com)

(185)

Giant rodent crushed. Gorilla holding a knife. Elephant dies of Herpes. Goat hangs itself. 42 dead stingrays. Just another day at the Calgary Zoo  (theglobeandmail.com)

(66)

(KULR)

Investigators say the pilot of a small plane that crashed was neither drunk nor high (enough)  (kulr8.com)

(37)

Lindsay Lohan departs the US to do a documentary in India on impoverished children who are so poor they don't even have enough money to buy a gram of blow  (nypost.com)

(20)

That bailout money we just flushed down the toilet? Well, we're getting about 90% of it back. Perhaps subby should have used different metaphor  (dailykos.com)

(297)

The dream is dying for Obama's youthful supporters, who have "lashed out at anybody who dared to suggest that Obama was just another politician, subject to calculation, expediency and vanity like all the rest"  (washingtonpost.com)

(460)

English food gets even scarier, with the debut of lobster-thermidor pancakes, aux crevettes served in a Provençal manner with shallots and aubergines, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy, with a fried egg on top and spam  (telegraph.co.uk)

(34)

"In 1872, the NY Times published two dozen letters on the subject of scrapple, a steampunk prototype for online food discussion. It's all there: the pseudonymous usernames, off-topic ranting, and preoccupation with pork fat."  (dinersjournal.blogs.nytimes.com)

(221)

		Audrey Hepburn's Givenchy gowns hit the auction block. They've already been washed, pervs  (abcnews.go.com)	(54)
		New light shed on epilepsy. Hopefully, it's not a strobe light    (sciencedaily.com)	(18)

		"Obama will deliver his first State of the Union address having accomplished more than any other postwar American president at a comparable point in his presidency."  (slate.com)	(352)
		If you put a sheep named Rob into a shopping cart and then pushed it into a supermarket, the police would like a word (pic)  (thesun.co.uk)	(50)
		Come Together mashed up with Closer? The results may surprise you (with profaNINty)  (youtube.com)	(40)

NASCAR's national TV ratings haven't crashed, but they're scraping the outside wall on every turn  (usatoday.com)

(75)

You're a washed-up, has-been, British pop star. Do you: C) shop for property in Australia so you have a good base to hunt UFOs? "He needs to mellow out and chase aliens."  (news.com.au)

(27)

Police searching for the grinch or grinches who crushed a gingerbread town containing 650 gingerbread homes. "The people who did this must be full of gingerbread dust. They will smell a long way."  (news.com.au)

(33)

CEOs cashed in before Wall Street meltdown. In other news, large moon discovered orbiting Earth    (rawstory.com)

(31)

		Japanese anime industry is struggling. Will be pushed to the brink of defeat before finally using its once-per-episode superweapon  (online.wsj.com)	(535)
(The News Tribune)		If you and a passenger crashed into a river near Tacoma, rescue crews hope to find you and puyallup real soon  (blog.thenewstribune.com)	(58)

Today is World Toilet Day, and around the globe, people are flushed with excitement  (wbbm780.com)

(62)

		Hockey player purposely puts his face between a slapshot and his net. Bonus: same player finished a game last year with a torn spleen. Now that's hard core  (capitals.nhl.com)	(59)
		Lindsay Lohan: No, that's not me doing coke in that bathroom. It's some other washed-out bottle blonde with bad skin and a doomed look in her eye  (3am.co.uk)	(79)