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Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		How to select the most appropriate wine by vintage and bouquet for your delicate palate after you slap the burgers and dogs on the BBQ. With helpful picture of wine glass full of beer  (eatocracy.cnn.com)	(37)
		Former Senator Alan Simpson (R-easonable Republican): "Show me a guy who won't compromise and I'll show you a guy with rock for brains"  (huffingtonpost.com)	(55)
(American Magazine)		The telephone-like process of transforming scientific paper on prebiotic Earth into popular science article "Do Intelligent Dinosaurs Really Rule Alien Worlds?" which makes Palin-Americans laugh at science  (american.com)	(18)
		House lawmakers will consider an international proposal next week to give the United Nations more control over the Internet. Yea, that'll work  (thehill.com)	(36)
		As one of the only folks wearing clothing in the nudist resort, Hodges was easily spotted by deputies who arrested him at gunpoint after robbing two clerks at a nearby home improvement store and then stealing a golf cart  (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)	(35)
		If you have to cross the new San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge on a regular basis, you probably should not read this article  (sacbee.com)	(88)
		Anonymous resident of one of New York's trendiest neighborhood puts notes on light poles informing tourists how to behave properly. And New Yorkers wonder why the rest of the country think they're elitist jerksnobs  (poconorecord.com)	(184)
		State's top wetlands expert suspended by Dept. of Environmental Protection for denying permit to developer, following the rules  (tampabay.com)	(58)
		How Kickstarter became the Hipster Home Shopping Network. "From aquariums made out of vintage iMacs to handcrafted bamboo sunglasses, the following projects read like a game of hipster bingo"  (theatlantic.com)	(41)
		Daily Show writer partners with Slate to crowdsource ideas for amending and rewriting the Constitution. Provide your ideas to the right  (hive.slate.com)	(541)

		The paperclip was invented in 1899 and has never been improved upon since. It is, quite possibly, the perfect invention  (slate.com)	(104)
		They don't make them like this anymore: Fifteen unexpected summer movie blockbusters. Well, they still make them like Blair Witch Project, but that was a fluke  (hitfix.com)	(78)
		Important men in history you probably didn't know about. Finally, a shout out for Tim Berners-Lee  (buzzfeed.com)	(48)
		Right now, more than 80 percent of the money raised by superPACs has gone to pro-GOP groups. And, according to the Center for Responsive Politics, 80 percent of all the money raised by these groups has come from just 100 individuals  (npr.org)	(126)

		New York Times jumps on goofy trend piece bandwagon, explores hot trend of 16-year-old "young cougars" going to prom with 14-year-old boys  (theatlanticwire.com)	(86)
		You'd probably squawk, too, if some government busybody named your kids "Archie" and "Juliette"  (upi.com)	(17)
		China criticizes the U.S. on its "dismal" human rights record, citing police brutality, arresting protesters, and strict restrictions on the internet  (cnn.com)	(265)
		Entertainment Weekly's readers have voted for the best Saturday Night Live host of the past season, and it proves one thing: we should not let them vote in the presidential election  (popwatch.ew.com)	(39)
		Some favor expanding the radio spectrum to increase available bandwidth. This guy proposes twisting radio waves like corkscrews to create subfrequencies, which would create 100x more bandwidth with the current spectrum  (discovermagazine.com)	(41)
		Brooklyn school tries to keep Class of 2012 prom goers from starting the Class of 2030  (vitals.msnbc.msn.com)	(28)
		High school approves senior prank involving markers. Because you're reading this on Fark, you can safely assume that there was a glitch or two  (readingeagle.com)	(29)
		Guess which German city is having a problem with rats? C'mon, this is an easy one  (hosted.ap.org)	(56)
(Some Guy)		Professor complains that crosses on state university entrance tower violate the separation of church and state. Good Christians respond as Jesus would, by stalking, online harassment, death threats, and firing her from her job  (au.org)	(234)
		Some guys propose on the Jumbotron, some guys use a skywriting plane. This guy outdoes them all  (news.yahoo.com)	(66)

		Dutch twin prostitutes, 69, serve as a harsh lesson on why you finish reading a headline before clicking  (now.msn.com)	(77)
		Liberal People Problems: It's tiresome to hear someone preach about tolerance while only being tolerant toward those with whom they agree  (slate.com)	(193)
		'Expert' claims aliens wouldn't want to eat or enslave us - the first ones we meet will be far too civilized, and will probably want only to serve man  (dailymail.co.uk)	(138)
(National Weather Service)		That strange noise your phone just made? You probably shouldn't ignore it as you're about to get hit by a tornado or swept away by a tsunami  (erh.noaa.gov)	(43)
		If you're a pro wrestler touring a foreign country make sure you know the laws concerning flag desecration first before crumpling up and kicking their national flag in front of cops  (tmz.com)	(215)
		Father upset that his third-grader daughter was drawing swastikas as part of her class art project when she was supposed to be studying Native American culture  (azfamily.com)	(158)
(msnbc)		17% of Americans now consider themselves tech geeks, have the wedgie scars to prove it  (technolog.msnbc.msn.com)	(85)
		Mayor of a New Jersey town and worried about the recall drive against you? No problem, just hack the website calling for your recall and threaten everyone involved  (arstechnica.com)	(62)
(Some Guy)		Judge approves extradition for L.A. arsonist's mother, whose photo will now be attached to every "your mom" Fark headline  (mega949.com)	(39)
		NY motorcyclist loses license for speeding at 170 mph. Well duh, it probably blew out of his pocket  (washingtonpost.com)	(28)
		The man then proceeded to ask officers for their clothes, their boots and their motorcycles  (wptv.com)	(20)
		You're mad because you think the assistant principal took your son's iPod. Do you: A) Talk with the principal? B) File a complaint with the district? C) Make a fake profile on a porn site under the assistant principal's name?  (azcentral.com)	(36)
(bend bulletin)		President Obama tells graduating cadets that the military will withstand budget cuts. Promises to keep it down to just one war at a time  (bendbulletin.com)	(132)
		Left babysitting 4-year-old while her mom, friend go to gym? Just tie her up in kitchen chair and go on playing video games. Problem solved  (mysuncoast.com)	(48)

		What's worse than proposing on live TV in front of millions? Being a big enough douche to advertise the jeweler during your proposal. "And, with the help of David Webb Jewelry, I have a way to make this fun last forever"  (music.yahoo.com)	(60)
		47 year old teen cracks unsolved math problems first posed by Isaac Newton  (thelocal.de)	(126)
(Some Hippie)		"Please be kind enough to let us know the number of plainclothes officers who will be infiltrating our event so we can order the appropriate catering"  (politicsrespun.org)	(80)
		FOX's promo for its 1987 weekend programs reminds you in no unsubtle terms that it's the late 80s. Bonus Random Line: "I Consider FOX the Rodeo Drive of the Airwaves"  (youtube.com)	(46)
		Tiffany profits fall short of expectations. Debbie Gibson remains strong  (marketwatch.com)	(21)
		Rep. Peter King (R-NY) is concerned upcoming film about the death of bin Laden will be too pro-Obama and not give proper credit to Bush's tax cuts and Sarah Palin's bear rug  (breitbart.com)	(197)
		Couple arrested after leaving child in car while they went to the strip club. Well, it would have been inappropriate to buy him a lap dance  (tampabay.com)	(35)
		Project Veritas can't tell the truth  (newsobserver.com)	(72)
(Some Guy)		Final proof that president's war room picture was faked  (balloon-juice.com)	(74)
(Courthouse News)		Court rules that land developer wasn't required to disclose that property being bought in Orlando for building a house is next to former WW2 firing range which still has unexploded ordnance buried in it  (courthousenews.com)	(43)
(Some Guy)		Not News: Teen suspended. News: for faking suicide. Fark: in class project video on bullying  (wiod.com)	(45)
(Medex)		Our sense of smell just gets worse as we get older. Which probably explains our ability to raise children  (medicalxpress.com)	(11)
		DC's Capital Bikeshare is a program in which bicycles are made available for shared use to muggers who do not own them  (washingtonpost.com)	(55)
(Socialist Stooge)		German police confront Occupy protesters and....take off their helmets and escort them through town?  (globalwinnipeg.com)	(135)
		Los Angeles prohibits plastic bags, forcing deportation of entire "Real Housewives of Orange County" cast  (thedailybeast.com)	(77)
		Canadian Pacific Railway strike leads to 2,000 layoffs, impromptu hockey games  (cbc.ca)	(23)

		Iran makes five-point proposal to world powers. It's the same kind of five-point proposal that Lucy made Linus in "A Charlie Brown Christmas"  (haaretz.com)	(75)
		Old and busted: Facebook profile timeline. New hotness: Timeline of Facebook's IPO - from investor exuberance to congressional investigations   (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(19)
		Mitt Romney pledges 6% unemployment by the end of his term. The CBO currently projects 5.5% unemployment in 2017  (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(113)
		G.I. Joe: Retaliation pushed back to 3/2013. Apparently the other half of the battle is 'post production 3D conversion'  (deadline.com)	(59)
		Study proves that nuclear power is safe for twenty years, every twenty years  (sciencedaily.com)	(179)
		Canada slowly granting province-like control of natural resources to its territories  (news.nationalpost.com)	(17)
		Your honor, the alleged victim wanted to be beaten to a pulp and asked for it all season. If you need more proof that he is a masochist, consider that he actually enrolled in Florida A&M in the first place  (www2.tbo.com)	(46)
		For whom the profit Tolls  (cnbc.com)	(1)
		Someone decides to check the mathyness that the government used to show that the bailouts actually turned a profit. Turns out the government sucks at mathyness  (finance.fortune.cnn.com)	(39)
		Here's something to get the Whedonites all fired up: "Does Firefly Take Place In The Same Universe As Prometheus?"  (neatorama.com)	(87)
		Best. Vicar. Ever: four-minute sermons, bring-a-bottle confirmation classes, and if he was too drunk to pronounce "vicissitude" at Christmas midnight mass he'd simply pick up where he left off the next Christmas  (telegraph.co.uk)	(36)
		"Mr. Singh said that he had 65 langurs urinating on prominent homes and buildings throughout Delhi." The best part is that they pay him to do it  (nytimes.com)	(26)
(Some Guy)		Welcome to sunny Florida, please enjoy our strip mall casinos, where mafia-connected thugs will cheerfully beat you to within an inch of your life and provide you with a voucher good for 10% off a paragliding adventure  (wdbo.com)	(16)
		Hawaii provides Arizona with President Obama's birth records to finally put to rest the question of his citizenship. No wait, this is Arizona.. scratch that  (news.yahoo.com)	(109)
		Fox Sports technical problem causes regional baseball broadcasts to be commercial free, sending viewers' kidneys into utter confusion  (jsonline.com)	(17)
(MyFaceSpacedIn)		PROTIP: IF you are a Disney CM stealing an iPhone from a passenger on the cruise ship, best not take pictures of your fellow CMs, especially if the iPhone is loading directly to Facebook. BONUS: read the comments for added hilarity  (facebook.com)	(102)
		For the first time in the history of Idol, a finalist wimped out. The 16-year-old is too young to know about self fulfilling prophesies but she'll find out tonight. #hescoresshebombs   (bittenandbound.com)	(38)
		New TB test promises to be just like your mom  (sciencedaily.com)	(24)
(Investor's Business Daily)		Why is Obama spending $20 million to promote ObamaCare, when it was supposed to get more popular once it passed?  (news.investors.com)	(103)
		Gallup finds pro-life supporters at a record high of 50%, pro-choice at record low of 41%. Looks like more and more people really are thinking of the children  (gallup.com)	(157)
		JPMorgan Chase executives finally appear before Senate committee to answer for staggering losses. GOP lawmakers immediately attack the blatant irresponsibility, recklessness, and rampant unprofessionalism of ... federal regulators  (washingtonpost.com)	(173)
		NFL owners look at rising salary costs, decide Pro Bowl is still a great event  (deadspin.com)	(19)
		Protip: If you're going to rob a general store in the rural south, assume the clerk has a gun hidden behind the register. Fark: General store is on Acorn Hill Road in Hobbsville  (wtkr.com)	(43)
		Ladies, here is a new product you never knew you needed. Vagina lightening cream  (theage.com.au)	(190)

		Free pizza on June 5 but only if you order it in Spanish. Some people have a problem with that. "In public areas, people should be speaking English, and that includes pizza parlors"  (usatoday.com)	(315)
(Some Guy)		Did you know that if Nebraska or Maine splits its votes in the right way, it is theoretically possible for the Electoral college to produce a tie?  (270towin.com)	(50)
		Big Ten Network, which debuted with promise of showing up to 60 hours per week of Big Ten-related academic programming when not televising sports, shifts course, will show 60 more hours of sports instead  (google.com)	(39)
		Candidate promises to smoke a joint on the steps of Capitol Hill to draw attention to the, uh..., the, uh...yeah...the thing. That thing thing there that he was talking about. You know, that thing  (politico.com)	(54)
		The Iowa GOP officially endorsing the birther movement is probably the least crazy part of their party platform  (thinkprogress.org)	(115)
		MN teen sets state record for striking out five people in one inning, is promptly signed by the Twins and will face White Sox tonight  (sports.yahoo.com)	(76)
		Man responsible for proliferation of polka dies. Accordions everywhere mourn  (chicagotribune.com)	(36)
		Not to be outdone by Prof. Warren, Bill Aye- I mean, Barack Obama, also claims to be Native American  (breitbart.com)	(156)
(The Columbian)		Just to be clear, you probably shouldn't try to sell a language program on eBay that's called Rose-ettah Schtone  (columbian.com)	(16)
		If you've spent 3 years and made 750 debug attempts while trying to write six lines of code, you're probably a bad programmer. Or maybe you've been trying to program DNA  (nature.com)	(14)
(Some Guy)		The invading force in Red Dawn (already filmed) is changing (post-production) from Chinese troops to North Korean troops because Hollywood doesn't want to offend China  (infowars.com)	(267)
		Mom, I'm not watching funny cat videos online. No. I'm fostering creative approaches to problem solving by allowing my mind to wander  (nature.com)	(9)

		Graduating from UT Austin? Check your program. Commencement may be more interesting than you thought  (news.yahoo.com)	(36)
		Not News: Loner cannot get a date to the prom. News: Track coach feels sorry for him so she escorts him there. Fark: She gets canned even though no shenanigans took place  (dailymail.co.uk)	(96)
		Former UGA professor and CNN executive caught on tape stuffing dog poo in neighbor's mailbox  (cbsatlanta.com)	(27)
		Psychiatrist who 'proved' gays can be cured says it was all a big mistake  (jezebel.com)	(166)
(The Courier-Journal)		News: Shooting happens in a bad part of town. Unusual: Six people are shot, three of them fatally. Fark: One of those fatally shot was the boyfriend of a woman who wore a "No Boyfriend, No Problem" shirt to the crime scene  (courier-journal.com)	(60)
		Former Daily Show producer says that he made liberals angry because he let conservatives state their opinion and look human  (mediaite.com)	(85)
(WCPO)		Concluding yet another "Who would have thought that?" study, CDC discovers that overweight teens are most at risk for future heart related problems. Next on their list, do glasses help people see better?  (wcpo.com)	(41)
(Some Guy)		This list of failed food products will make you long for the days when Crystal Pepsi was king, and you could have one with your Arch Deluxe in the styrofoam container  (thedailymeal.com)	(216)
		Psst, dude: Bargain of the day. Get a fake girlfriend to raise your Facebook profile for only $5. She'll txt/email/voicemail you about what she great time she had. Show all your buddies  (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)	(46)
		The Dark Knight Rises, The Amazing Spider-Man, Prometheus: which blockbuster has given the most footage away in trailers? Turns out it's not actually Prometheus  (denofgeek.com)	(33)
		YouTube video producer (a/k/a Idiot Teen) filming Hell's Angels on the highway tries to get a close, tight shot. Instead of using camera zoom he uses his accelerator  (abcnews.go.com)	(133)
		Ways to successfully obtain sex: dating sites, bars, prostitutes, Craigslist hookups. Ways to unsuccessfully obtain sex and simultaneously make the front page of Fark: get naked and blindfolded, and tie yourself to a tree  (huffingtonpost.com)	(52)
		Penn Jillette rips Obama over his drug policies: "He's chortling with Jimmy Fallon about lower class people" (includes profanity)  (youtube.com)	(240)

		Suit of meat armor offers +5 protection against vegetarians, -1 against Lady Gaga  (io9.com)	(24)
		I realize that I'm going out on a limb here, but breathing smog while you're pregnant *PROBABLY* isn't good for your offspring  (health.usnews.com)	(11)
(SmartMoney)		Five products with overhyped health claims. Apply directly to the forehead. Five products with overhyped health claims. Apply directly to the forehead. Five products with overhyped health claims. Apply directly to the forehead  (blogs.smartmoney.com)	(39)
		Town upset that their landmark is going to be destroyed in the name of progress. That landmark? A scrapyard  (desmoinesregister.com)	(37)
		Newlywed bride mad that her storybook wedding is ruined by Chicago OWS protestors. She is the 1% who didn't check the calendar for the NATO summit  (dailymail.co.uk)	(240)
(Land Line)		Delaware House advances bill prohibiting left lane blocking after amending it to allow blocking the left lane  (landlinemag.com)	(103)
		High school softball coach given a $177 ticket by police for profanity. Lawyer advises coach to make no comment  (postcrescent.com)	(16)
(Some Guys have all the luck)		List of the top 10 most famous real or fictional penises. Yup, he's on there...him too. However, regardless of what your online dating profile says, you are not. Possibly Not safe for work  (toptenz.net)	(75)
		Democratic Underground thanks FARK for the thread about funniest protest signs ever seen  (democraticunderground.com)	(0)
(WSVN)		Senior Prom held at same location as porn convention, to become Career Day for some lucky couples  (wsvn.com)	(28)

(Some Juggalo)		Clowning is a profession in rapid decline. "We reach out constantly to try to find the younger people to come forward and to join us." ...Yes, down here, where there's cotton candy, and rides, all sorts of surprises... balloons too  (dispatch.com)	(123)
		School board takes courageous stand, says "it's up to teachers to decide whether students' clothes or haircuts are appropriate"  (nydailynews.com)	(64)
(WMGM TV 40)		Top-notch reporting, fact-checking and proofreading in NJ news: "Van Halens own 'Sammy Hager' donates $10,000 to Atlantic City Parrish"  (nbc40.net)	(20)
(Some Guy)		SWAT team arrests Chicago protesters for the heinous crime of...making beer. Glad we're safe from THAT particular scourge  (chicago.cbslocal.com)	(241)
		Amendment to a defense authorization bill seeks to overturn a longstanding ban on the US government using propaganda on its own people. In sports, President Obama has won Wimbledon for a 6th time  (buzzfeed.com)	(120)
(The Blaze)		Chicago Occupiers decide to protest in front of Rush Limbaugh's office, miss by 1000 miles. Whoopsie  (theblaze.com)	(145)
(Some Guy)		Are Amazon reviewers replacing professional critics? I give this article 3 stars, because they wouldn't let me give it 2.5 stars  (technolog.msnbc.msn.com)	(56)

		Having relationship problems? GWAR would like to help  (youtube.com)	(31)
		Arizona Sec of State to Hawaii "Can you prove Obama was really born in your state?" Hawaii "Can you prove you are really Secretary of State?"   (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(492)
		What is the funniest protest sign you have seen? "Descent is the greatest form of patriotism" is subs personal fav  (fark.com)	(480)
(Some Guy)		Hey, Hey, Hey, could a "fat tax" be heading our way to cure America's obesity problem?  (theindychannel.com)	(362)
		Women's Professional Soccer league permanently disbands after three seasons. Fan distraught  (espn.go.com)	(68)
		Problem: Obama's love letters show that he was a good enough writer to blunt the accusations that he didn't write his own books. Solution: Accuse him of having a ghost writer for his love letters  (slate.com)	(80)
		Federal Judge to DOJ: You know that part of the NDA that lets you indefinitely detain anyone you think is "supporting" terrorism? Yeah, the 1st Amendment has a problem with that  (businessweek.com)	(170)
(Some Guy)		Proof the system works- top 10 game Kickstarters that didn't make it  (edge-online.com)	(28)
(Some Guy)		You may find yourself in a strange burial plot, wearing a stranger's clothes. And you might say, these are not my beautiful clothes. And you may ask yourself, how did I get it here? But probably not because you are dead  (losangeles.cbslocal.com)	(37)
		If you're going to say you're too injured to work, you probably shouldn't get caught running various long-distance races and triathlons. "Her race times also improved after the claimed injury"  (nwfdailynews.com)	(34)
		Really want to quit smoking? Give me your money, and I'll give it back to you once a blood test proves you're nicotine free  (stuff.co.nz)	(58)
(Some Guy)		The sex-tourism capital of the world protests Lady Gaga's shows as too provocative. Wait, what?  (abclocal.go.com)	(47)
		Senator Chuck Schumer proposes tax on individuals who renounce their U.S. citizenship to avoid taxes. BRILLIANT  (sfgate.com)	(84)
		Fulton County 911 center is pro-choice. Female employees have the choice to get pregnant, or keep their jobs  (ajc.com)	(80)
		Running a half-marathon on a treadmill aboard a hot-air balloon proved harder than expected  (telegraph.co.uk)	(25)

		New York State Supreme Court Justice, suffering from pancreatic cancer, begs state legislature to legalize medical marijuana: "It is barbaric to deny us access to one substance that has proved to ameliorate our suffering"  (nytimes.com)	(320)
		House votes to end military sponsorships of NASCAR, professional fishing, and professional wrasslin'. It's still real to me, dammit  (usatoday.com)	(59)
		Lawrence Taylor selling his '91 Super Bowl ring after running into "legal and financial" problems, which is media talk for bad coke habits, banging underage prostitutes and the ensuing legal fees that result  (nfl.com)	(36)
		"Why are 'progressives' opposed to outsourcing?" Well I can only speak for myself but all things being equal I just didn't think it was a funny show  (hotair.com)	(304)
(Sportsnet)		Jose Canseco is broke, alone and filled with regret. He also wants the reporter to fake an orgasm. Just go read this already, it's the most insane (and sad) athlete profile you'll find anywhere  (sportsnet.ca)	(77)
(Some Guy)		Google Earth: Product Placement Central  (technology.gather.com)	(63)
(Some Guy)		If you're not tired of all the Prometheus footage Ridley Scott is using to ruin the movie ahead of release, here's a glimpse of the Yutani Corporation  (slyoyster.com)	(28)
		Man accused of paying prostitutes with heroin and food from the McDonald's dollar menu. That stuff could kill a person, what with all the grease and salt  (suntimes.com)	(32)
		Foreclosures hit a record low, probably because there's only a few houses left to foreclose upon  (finance.yahoo.com)	(12)
(Some Guy)		"His voice is so high, it sounds like a ringtone." Reporter meets the new, improved, manly Bieber 2.0 on his 18th birthday  (gq.com)	(44)
		Obama expects a "serious bipartisan approach" to tackling the budget and growing federal deficit this year. Oh wait, he's serious, let me laugh even harder  (upi.com)	(41)
		Cherokee genealogist: We are one of the most most document heavy Native groups and Professor Warren, you have no proof of claim, your documents don't exist (which if true should be easy to find). Just admit you got caught lying  (hotair.com)	(216)
		After decades of being largely ignored, Atlanta's sizable group of transvestite prostitutes have decided to start group muggings to get themselves back in the spotlight  (11alive.com)	(52)
		Uh, North Korea, just a little tip? When there is only one country in the whole world that will even speak to you, it's probably best not to hijack their fishing boats and hold their crews for ransom  (washingtonpost.com)	(83)

(Some Guy)		Problem 1: Minor girls drinking in your bar. Problem 2: Cops are walking in. Solution: Stick them in the kitchen, tell cops they're your cooks. Problem 3: They don't know how to start the grill  (wlfi.com)	(81)
		Scientists claim that listening to chickens could improve poultry production, but I think they're just winging it  (sciencedaily.com)	(7)
		Not news: Most Americans opposed to massive government spending. Fark: On the Apollo space program  (slate.com)	(42)
		When even Forbes thinks that Wall Street commercial banking needs a leash and a muzzle, it probably needs a leash and a muzzle  (forbes.com)	(22)
		"Let's see...fever, check. Infection in the lungs, check. Coughing up blood, check. My dear, it is of my professional opinion that you're just lovesick"  (telegraph.co.uk)	(82)
		Obama's failed energy policy at work: The US is currently the world's fastest growing oil and natural gas producer. "The new Middle East" according to Citigroup analysts  (usatoday.com)	(262)
(Some Guy)		Snooki promises to give up tanning while pregnant, will name the baby Mel ... for melanoma  (usmagazine.com)	(25)
		Disney's new live action Princess Merida, while very easy on the eyes, is having some problems with the accent  (dailyrecord.co.uk)	(39)
		Mitt Romney awkwardly avoids referring to George W. Bush by name, presumably because his name has been removed from his programming   (politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com)	(40)
		California Governor Brown proposes four day work week for state employees. DMV workers immediately angry about having to add two days to their current schedule  (usnews.msnbc.msn.com)	(89)
		New MacBook Pro includes slim design, new retina display. Voight-Kampff testing capabilities still unknown  (cnn.com)	(78)
(Some Guy)		Portal turret comes alive in robot project  (zdnet.com.au)	(16)
		Sacha Baron Cohen may not be your cup of tea, but you have to admit he commits to a character 100% when promoting his movies  (telegraph.co.uk)	(58)
		Take-home HIV test approved by FDA in unanimous vote could prevent thousands of transmissions, frat house gang bangs, annually  (nytimes.com)	(34)
		GOP-controlled Virginia House rejects judicial nomination of popular former prosecutor and fighter pilot, due to "a pattern of behavior that is just notorious," also known as being gay  (nytimes.com)	(108)
		Four Alabama men fined for stealing cultural artifacts. In other news, proof now exists that at some time in the remote past, there was actually some culture in Alabama  (wrcbtv.com)	(40)
		Not that it will change the opinion of a single person one way or the other, but the prosecution's own records show the Zimmerman had two black eyes, a broken nose, and two cuts on the back of his head the night Trayvon Martin was shot  (azcentral.com)	(794)
		Kurt Busch, who lost his ride at Penske following a series of outbursts last season is fined $50,000, placed on probation following his actions at Darlington. Furthermore, his ride has now been replaced with a 1994 Buick Skylark with no AC  (espn.go.com)	(39)
		Wal*Mart set to build Alabama location over burial plots of 80 slaves, stage most appropriate haunting in the South  (nytimes.com)	(71)
		Seattle Police Department claims Justice Department proposal is unreasonable, says it will be too expensive to stop its officers from randomly bludgeoning innocent people  (seattlepi.com)	(116)

		Mike Smith says the Falcons need to change their playoff approach. Step 1 - score more than 2 points   (profootballtalk.nbcsports.com)	(51)
		April was the 326th consecutive month with above average global temperatures, but this of course in no way proves that global warming may be occuring  (washingtonpost.com)	(541)
(NBCNewYork)		Feds open probe into JPMorgan $2 billion trading loss  (nbcnewyork.com)	(58)
(BizJournals)		Funny: "The Onion" claims that media savvy professionals working for fracking industry are being hired in droves to mislead the public. Fark: Media savvy professional working for fracking industry responds by misleading the public  (bizjournals.com)	(93)
		What does a judge say to a 26-year-old who abandoned children to have sex with a 13-year old? a) life without parole. b) chemical castration. c) if you were male, I'd send you to prison, but instead here's a little probation  (mysanantonio.com)	(168)
		Apparently unable to acquire pepper spray, moms dressed in combat boots and military fatigues spray Lysol on dirty dancing teens at prom  (thesmokinggun.com)	(85)
		From the Romero Institute, report finds that for-profit hospitals are pushing patients out too early. Chain restaurants nod in approval. Sick Tag is for how you left the hospital  (huffingtonpost.com)	(63)
		"I predict in the year 2020, New York and other enlightened states will decriminalize the world's oldest profession, namely prostitution. And I'd like to give a shout-out to Billy Ray Cyrus"  (myfoxdc.com)	(37)
		First appearance of the Judean People's Front, high school students succumb to pier pressure, and Oden keeps his alcohol problems loki: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 5/6 - 5/12  (fark.com)	(7)
		5 Reasons America Is In Decline...1 - Democrats 2 - Liberal Democrats 3 - Progressive Democrats 4 - Socialist Democrats 5 - RINO Democrats  (townhall.com)	(94)
		The Season 7 finale of How I Met Your Mother was probably the best episode of the series yet (Warning: Spoilers)  (tvrecaps.ew.com)	(126)
(Some Disappointed Guy)		Howard Stern's 'America's Got Talent' debut proves to be... fairly tame and professional. Hey, it had to happen eventually  (aceshowbiz.com)	(64)
		Retail sales PROBABLY slowed. Maybe. Perhaps. Fark it, we don't know, we fired the guy who ran those numbers  (businessweek.com)	(10)
(KOTV)		Protip: If you're going to be bounty hunters, make sure that A: You have the right address, and B: You and your buddy don't already have outstanding warrants on your own heads  (newson6.com)	(39)

		The oldest cars still in production  (jalopnik.com)	(40)
(Spaceflight Now)		NASA astronaut Joe Acaba and two cosmonauts are launching tonight to the ISS at 11:01 p.m. EDT from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan; follow countdown progress with live video here  (spaceflightnow.com)	(128)
		To the distant, tearful strains of the world's smallest violin, we learn that Facebook is cutting into the hard-earned SMS profits of carriers  (news.yahoo.com)	(31)
		"The solution to the problems must ultimately be found outside the American political system and will not be solved until America's rich and elderly become either less fearful or more generous." Well, we're boned  (cnn.com)	(181)
		Future Sacramento mayor: "When you have a guy on death row endorsing you, you have to be somewhat proud of that"  (foxnews.com)	(24)
		Young boy stages simple but effective counter-protest against Westboro Baptist Church  (cjonline.com)	(237)
		NASA is soliciting space station experiments. Photoshop a proposal (LGTA)  (news.yahoo.com)	(18)
		Tim Tebow: Asked to high school prom by cute blonde, request denied. Joe Haden: Asked to high school prom by Tony Siragusa, makes dreams come true  (sports.yahoo.com)	(42)
		"China 'instant buildings' - Just add labour, fireworks and a cow" Gary Larson approves  (uk.reuters.com)	(32)
		Josh Hamilton is on pace to win the triple crown. Only one problem, he has never finished a season without an injury. Will he do it this year? Taking bets to the right  (espn.go.com)	(66)
(Some Guy)		New pro-vegan children's book teaches that eating meat will destroy the Earth and everyone we love. Naturally, some experts have a problem with this  (kripalu.org)	(377)
		NY Rep Peter King (R-eality impaired) claims that there is no racial profiling going on in New York. The fact that NYPD managed to stop and frisk more black people than there are living in NY is just a happy coincidence   (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(108)
		More proof that Jared Weaver is one of the better personalities in baseball  (mlb.mlb.com)	(13)
		The Tea Party may throw Mitch McConnell out of his leadership post for being too compromising with the Democrats  (salon.com)	(101)
		Mitt Romney wants to make it legal for you to hunt, shoot, and protect your family. You probably can't do all three at once though  (i.imgur.com)	(95)
		With Iran struggling to turn a profit on their oil exports thanks to sanctions, Saudi Arabia decides now is a great time to start a price war on oil  (washingtonpost.com)	(27)
		Thousands march in Spain to protest austerity, unemployment, running of bulls being changed to running of the calves  (cbsnews.com)	(107)
		Lesbian schoolgirl couple denied admission to prom at Catholic high school, with pics  (kentucky.com)	(660)

		Jurors going home and conducting their own "scientific" experiments have become a growing problem  (palmbeachpost.com)	(209)
		After 12 years, fifty-two year old immigrant janitor finally earns his degree from the Ivy League school at which he works. FARK: With the degree he chose, janitor is probably about the only job that he'll be able to get  (ajc.com)	(111)
		Lead Shrink on D.S.M. 4 says, "D.S.M. 5 promises to be a disaster that will medicalize normality, introduce Har Har Finks"  (nytimes.com)	(178)
		Pity the poor professional voice-over actor, who's getting squeezed between high-priced celebrities and Internet amateurs  (washingtonpost.com)	(96)
		Blind New Jersey man wins legal battle to shoot guns after judge doesn't see a problem with it  (dailymail.co.uk)	(32)
(Some Guy)		Peter Weller sneers when asked if he'll be wearing funky prosthetics in the upcoming Star Trek movie: "Do I look like an alien to you? No man ... I have my own ship"  (trekweb.com)	(47)
		Seattle experiments with twice monthly trash pickup. Some noses have a problem with this  (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(53)
		Three tech bargains you shouldn't fall for... but probably will  (reviews.cnet.com)	(128)

		Young cancer patient produces video of other young cancer patients singing along to Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger" - the saddest and the most inspiring thing you'll see today  (duluthnewstribune.com)	(91)
(don't forget to call your mom)		Proof that a mother's love knows no bounds - a Yorkshire terrier adopts five kittens (who are almost as big as she is) just in time for the Mother's Day edition of Caturday   (animaltracks.today.msnbc.msn.com)	(773)
(Oakland Press)		Step 1) Become emergency manager of Pontiac, MI and sell the Silverdome for 1% of its cost. Step 2) Partner with the guy you sold it to and build a casino there. Step 3) PROFIT (Optional Step 4: Wonder why the hell this is legal)  (theoaklandpress.com)	(110)
		Geraldo Rivera claims he was 'manually raped' by TSA officials, proving the TSA does offer some value  (dailymail.co.uk)	(71)

(Valdez Star)		Problem: High student absenteeism on Fridays; Solution: No school on Fridays  (valdezstar.net)	(45)
		The Chinese teleported protons over 100 kilometers. I for one, welcome our Chinese, proton teleporting overlords  (popsci.com)	(43)
		The FBI has a problem with anonymized online currency substitutes such as Bitcoin  (wired.com)	(40)
		"I lasted less than half a day... and it was hell." a) Hiker trying to traverse Death Valley on foot, b) Embedded reporter in Afghanistan, or c) tech writer trying to go a day without Google products?  (slate.com)	(24)
		Yeah, this camera only shoots in two colors. You've probably never heard of it  (gizmodo.com)	(70)
		Sheriff Joe Arpaio abandons the Birther cause, saying the proof that Obama isn't a US citizen won't come from his birth certificate, rather it will come from his Draft Registration. We get it. You're a racist asshole  (wnd.com)	(136)
(Some Guy)		News: Two men get their iPhones stolen. FARK: By prostitutes. TotalFark: The men fire a shot through the motel room door. Stockton: Prostitutes return fire, injuring one  (fox40.com)	(27)
(Some Guy)		Yes, I'd like to have a hot dog, please, with extra proselytizing  (newsleader.com)	(86)
		Man sentenced to one year probation for....a) drug possession...b) assault and battery...or c) harboring a wallaby  (pennlive.com)	(26)

		This video of a naked man on a unicycle brought to you by the Houston PD, and the makers of Cheap Liquor™. Cheap Liquor™, providing impaired judgment for the best and the worst times of your life  (blog.chron.com)	(29)
		You remember that time in the 10th to 12th centuries when the Christian church had no problem marrying gay couples? Yeah, that was a pretty cool time  (iheartchaos.com)	(211)
		Republicans: Hey Dems, we want to keep student loan interest rates low too, we just want to take the money from preventative cancer screening programs instead of the wealthy, why are you so obstructionist?  (forbes.com)	(105)
		American think tank suing OPEC because they "intentionally limit barrels of oil that each country produces, causing the price to rise". The world is stunned, STUNNED by this shocking discovery  (wnd.com)	(37)
		Not so sharp woman goes to hospital, promptly swallows two scalpels. When surgeon tries to remove them he accidently cut her with one of them and she bleeds to death. Ta-da  (thelocal.se)	(36)
		Having conquered all problems at home, Best Korea spends its days jamming GPS signals in Not-Best Korea  (news.slashdot.org)	(74)
		A memorial for those killed in the train accident should a) provide a place for quiet reflection, b) have a plaque listing the victims, c) give teens and prostitutes a great new place to have sex  (myfoxdc.com)	(35)
		Ford is back as the number five most profitable company in the country right now thanks to Obama's bailout. Oh, wait.....,  (newsbusters.org)	(75)
		If Geek Squad calls and tells you to put all your phones into the freezer to contain the computer virus, they're probably not really Geek Squad  (youtube.com)	(15)
		NFL players found to live longer than the general population. Probably because most Americans now outweigh the average starting offensive line  (usatoday.com)	(24)
		Roger Ebert on Dark Shadows: "[Burton] approaches it as an amusing trifle, and for a feature-length film, we need more than attitude"  (rogerebert.suntimes.com)	(79)
		Ancient Mayan skull said to have magical powers- stolen from Tibet by Nazis - is damaged in a fall after lab techs fail to properly protect it in a refrigerator  (thelocal.de)	(93)
		Q. What do you do when you habitually ingest a product not fit for human consumption,it's labeled not fit for human consumption and you acknowledge you are aware it's not fit for human consumption? A. Sue the guy that sold it to you  (readingeagle.com)	(144)

		If you're going to protest a yellow card, the only way to do so is to moonwalk  (nesn.com)	(13)
		Imprompteux Nola Fark Party shaping up for Friday night at Cooter Brown's... DIT  (fark.com)	(51)
(wdtn.com)		Dock collapses during prom photo shoot due to pier pressure  (wdtn.com)	(47)
		To help prove that conservatives are not sexist, Rush Limbaugh forms "Rush Babes for America", complete with bumper stickers with what a silhouetted sexy babe might look like  (news.yahoo.com)	(121)
		The latest gang to invade and threaten residents of south Florida: feral ducks. Difficulty: They're federally protected, so moving them is prohibited   (articles.sun-sentinel.com)	(121)
		Anna Faris: "I probably won't star in Scary Movie 5." She should have thought of that four Scary Movies ago  (digitalspy.com)	(62)
		"Whether it is today or tomorrow or next year or the next, we will win. Gay and lesbian couples in this state will have full protection under the law. We all know it, and everybody in this building knows it"  (denverpost.com)	(150)
		Coffee shop also provides paternity tests, urine tests, notary, and tax prep. I assume that it's inside a TARDIS  (boingboing.net)	(3)
		Internet heathens won't watch this and probably won't be greenlit so why even bother?  (youtube.com)	(55)
		Foul ball lands in your beer? No problem ... just chug the whole cup to the delight of the entire stadium (w/video)  (deadspin.com)	(36)
		'They're my dinner,' says lizard smuggler - and offers to bite the head off one as proof  (thelocal.de)	(19)
		Maidenform profits sag, lack investor support  (marketwatch.com)	(10)
		Intellectual property thieves have their intellectual property stolen  (theregister.co.uk)	(110)
		Tennessee tow-truck maker finds out Scottish soccer fans aren't as welcoming as had been promised, changes mind about buying team. Glasgow Rangers fans rejoice with their nearly £200 million debt  (wrcbtv.com)	(13)
(Twitchy)		North Carolina voters approve gay marriage ban; tolerant liberals say: "go kill yourselves, you redneck f*cktards"  (twitchy.com)	(583)
		Murdering your wife and then claiming that she shot herself will not hold up in court if your wife is paralyzed and can't hold a gun. You probably should have known this, being a judge and all  (cbc.ca)	(28)

		High school pictures of the cast of "The Avengers." HULK HAVE JAW ALIGNMENT PROBLEMS  (filmdrunk.uproxx.com)	(69)
		Wendy's profits down thanks to higher horse prices  (cnbc.com)	(34)
		Industries dependent on massive government handouts to even pretend that they make a profit, upset at these Tea Party people think that the government shouldn't prop up failing industries in favor of successful companies  (hotair.com)	(73)
(WCPO)		Absolute, indisputable, irrefutable evidence that there is no God: Professional food eater and human oil slick Guy Fieri has been tapped to drive the pace car at the Indianapolis 500  (wcpo.com)	(118)
		Scientific progress goes *BOINK*  (kob.com)	(34)
		Man stabs his friend after argument about who can have the most sex. Captain Morgan was involved in this incident, probably in more ways than one  (thesmokinggun.com)	(13)
		If a reality show is filming your arrest of an alleged car thief, it's easy to disprove your false claim you read him his rights  (ktla.com)	(66)
		Fox confirms Prometheus will be rated "R" for Rehash of Alien  (deadline.com)	(108)
		The Pentagon didn't cooperate with The Avengers production because they didn't want to be subordinate to S.H.I.E.L.D.. No, seriously  (huffingtonpost.com)	(95)
		Twilight star Kristen Stewart channels a 1980s prostitute at the Met Ball  (ok.co.uk)	(47)
		What do pansy-assed professional cricketers do once they've retired from the most genteel sport in the world? Well, this one enters boxing and MMA competitions  (bbc.co.uk)	(17)
(Some Meta-Study Guy)		Meh: Journalist doesn't like a study done on file-sharing used to promote SOPA. Interesting: Decides to post 20 studies to counter the studies claims  (zeropaid.com)	(21)
		Elizabeth Warren on why she lied about her "native heritage": Because she wanted to meet people "like her". Harvard Native American program: She never showed up here for anything, she just wanted the extra paycheck money  (breitbart.com)	(297)
		In the story that keeps on giving, Saints coaches told players to do what it took to protect the coaches in Bountygate  (espn.go.com)	(218)
		Officials say that several more bombs similar to the "improved underwear bomb" they just intercepted are "unaccounted for". Hope you'll enjoy giving TSA screening agents the newly federally mandated lap dance  (abcnews.go.com)	(90)

(Billings Gazette)		Naked, screaming and pouring gasoline on everything in your garage is no way keep your probation from being revoked, son  (billingsgazette.com)	(7)
		Babe Ruth's Boston home up for sale, will probably be picked up by someone from New York  (msn.foxsports.com)	(6)
(Some Guy)		Congratulations to Mexican Wolves F749 & M740, proud parents of eight adorable, rare, ugly-ass Mexican Wolf pups  (nywolf.org)	(33)
		Okay, desperate defense of the F-22 program is coming out  (news.blogs.cnn.com)	(203)
		A cosmetic company is suing Kris Jenner for having the audacity to get a facelift while hawking their miracle products. #cakeandeatittoo  (bittenandbound.com)	(30)
		Today Iran is outraged because: A) Of a proposed international economic boycott? B) Of a proposed UN weapons inspection? C) Google left the Persian Gulf nameless?  (mnn.com)	(70)
		Jay-Z just found his 100th problem  (tmz.com)	(50)
		High school principal is fired for inappropriate use of a sock puppet  (news.yahoo.com)	(51)
		"A prostitution bust is not something I want on my record," said accounting student Adrian Caesar, 25 - Forgetting how this whole interweb works  (nypost.com)	(80)
		Red wine can halt the aging process, claims new report written by scientists who may have had a bit too much of it  (clickorlando.com)	(55)
		That's not a tax problem. THIS is a tax problem  (forbes.com)	(42)

		Lawyer spends 11 years proving inmate's innocence. He offers to pay for her gender-reassignment surgery. "It was a very sweet gesture on his part," she said. "But he really needs to focus on taking care of himself first"  (denverpost.com)	(322)
		Scientists say dinosaurs may have been to blame for climate change. Fark: because they produced so much flatulence  (dailymail.co.uk)	(111)
		A stream of highly charged particles from the sun is headed straight toward Earth. On the good side, you are probably going to die. On the other side, you probably will wish you did. It's not time to panic yet, but you should be ready to  (latimes.com)	(76)
		This may come as a complete shock, but there are allegations that the runners of the prosperity Bible loving Trinity Broadcasting Network may be a bunch of scam artists  (msnbc.msn.com)	(168)
		Photshop this prim and proper painter  (msnbcmedia.msn.com)	(20)
		Chelsea and Liverpool try and prove the seasons isn't a complete loss, a Manchester team slips up and Wenger flaps his arms. Its a joint FA Cup Final and weekend EPL thread. Let the banter commence  (bbc.co.uk)	(416)

		Disabled vet is told he'll never walk unassisted again, gives up and turns into huge fatty. Along comes a yoga instructor who proves doctors wrong.. All right, who set off the tear gas canister in here?  (liveleak.com)	(79)
		California professor claims Cinco de Mayo is as American as the Fourth of July  (ktla.com)	(129)
		So now we're having protests about "size discrimination," or "sizeism," as it's being called by one of 30 people who are protesting about it  (press-citizen.com)	(173)
		Why don't men wear hats anymore? Presidential socialism (with painstakingly to scale illustrations to prove the point)  (npr.org)	(175)
		Arizona bans Planned Parenthood funding. Apparently, a few people have a problem with this  (chicagotribune.com)	(242)
		The GOP is trying to roll back protections for abused women. Why? No reason. Apparently they just like pissing you off  (huffingtonpost.com)	(353)
		Octomom said to be a "natural" on her first day of shooting a porn video. Pictures probably SFW, but definitely not Safe for Lunch  (tmz.com)	(101)
		"When individuality asserts itself, we find that household incomes are nearly always the product of factors other than inequality. Anyone who believes otherwise should spend time with someone in the lowest household income quintile"  (americanthinker.com)	(153)
		*The Password is "dead".* Bob Stewart, game show producer and co-creator of Password, The Price is Right, and Pyramid, is dead at 91  (hollywoodreporter.com)	(16)
		Statue of an obese nude woman that sits across the street from a church is vandalized with paint a few days after somebody covered it up with a burlap apron a few days after all the private parts were covered in dollar bills  (azfamily.com)	(76)
		You can now insure your marijuana crop against theft, fire, and even DEA raids. Next up? USDA price supports, "pay not to plant" programs, and annoying lizard commercials  (katu.com)	(17)
(grist)		How to make your own bacon... and duck prosciutto, and pancetta, and pâté, and artisanal green chile chicken sausages  (grist.org)	(14)
		Obama plans to veto CISPA. That's good. He's supporting an alternative with similar language proposed by Joe Liebermann. That's bad. Everyone gets a Frogurt with their lost online privacy. That's good  (gizmodo.com)	(47)

		A perfect example of why the Heartland Institute is not called the Brainland Institute, and why they probably should have been named after their more Floridian organs  (washingtonpost.com)	(132)
(Some Guy)		Social etiquette tip: when a man compliments your car, the proper response is NOT to beat him into a coma  (kirotv.com)	(224)
(Some sister)		An interesting comparison of the Alien and Prometheus trailers  (tor.com)	(44)
		Man arrested for felony DUI, improper storage of a trunk monkey  (tampabay.com)	(39)
		For some reason, Senator David Vitter (R-LA) is shying away from the Secret Service prostitution scandal  (huffingtonpost.com)	(46)
		The latest business to abandon Microsoft products for Linux? Microsoft  (arstechnica.com)	(72)
		In one of the most passive-aggressive displays ever, man paints colorful polka dots all over his home as a protest statement against the city  (azcentral.com)	(183)
		Reading and Southampton have already joined, and now West Ham, Birmingham City, Blackpool, and Cardiff fight to be the last team promoted to the Greatest Show on Earth. The Championship playoffs start today, here's your thread   (footballleagueblog.dailymail.co.uk)	(55)
		Male mice that eat yogurt have big cojones, and develop "mouse swagger." The female mice have a proclivity to play ice hockey  (scientificamerican.com)	(12)
(www.gapyear.com)		A woman who is facing the prospect of losing her sight has drawn up a plan to visit the world's most beautiful destinations so she can store them in her memory forever  (gapyear.com)	(38)
		If the Army wanted you to have a wife they would have issued you one. Now get on that plane to go Aghanistan and we'll take care of that pesky wife problem for you  (usnews.msnbc.msn.com)	(288)
		McAfee antivirus founder forgot to renew his firewall protection  (gizmodo.com)	(63)
		After a couple hits off the bong at the hash bar, she sat down to a medicated bowl of beef and broccoli, pronouncing it delicious  (myfoxdc.com)	(72)
		The alcohol bra, flask sandals, and other devious ways teens sneak alcohol into prom. Not me though. I just snuck it in using my stomach  (dailymail.co.uk)	(68)
		California GOP calls press conference to advertise itself as "Party of Yes". Then immediately calls for "no" vote on tax proposition  (blogs.sacbee.com)	(271)

		Who knew Ron Paul could be such a shiatkicker and cause a multitude of problems for Romney?  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(227)
		Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul film first promo for Breaking Bad's fifth season, and yes, it's the cruelest kind of tease imaginable  (warmingglow.uproxx.com)	(50)
		In case you were wondering, scientists at the LHC explain what would happen if you stuck your hand in the path of the proton beam  (idealab.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(33)
		British bouncers checking drinkers' Facebook profiles to verify their identities, sluttiness  (bbc.co.uk)	(26)
		The Prodigy's new album to be titled "How to Steal a Jet Fighter." Between that and starting all those fires, they're not very responsible  (nme.com)	(20)
(Some Guy)		100 more former NFL players file lawsuit against league for not telling them football is dangerous. Smokers nod in approval  (940winz.com)	(112)
		Virtual shooting games may improve real-world accuracy. That Duck Hunt dog is still gonna laugh at you  (arstechnica.com)	(43)
(Some Raiders fan)		Carson Palmer will be protected by a giant Wang  (silverandblackpride.com)	(12)
		Student suspended for wearing shirt that promotes a) alcohol, b) drugs, or c) Jesus  (cbc.ca)	(409)
		Iron clad proof that America will always have a two party political system  (dailykos.com)	(84)
		Reacting to the latest almost-crash caused by goose strikes, does the FAA 1) begin a goose-culling program, 2) call for jet engine re-design, or 3) hassle the passenger who took the goose-strike video?  (nypost.com)	(186)
		Michele Bachmann set to formally endorse Romney, which would probably carry more weight if she hadn't already told a reporter, on videotape, "He can't beat Obama.., it's not going to happen"  (abcnews.go.com)	(58)
(Some Guy)		Protip: If you are going to claim workers' comp, don't compete in MMA fights for a nationally televised promotion while you are supposedly injured  (mmajunkie.com)	(12)
		Newt Gingrich, "My wife has pointed out to me approximately 219 times, give or take three, that moon colony was probably not my most clever comment in this campaign"  (washingtonpost.com)	(60)
		When real life imitates Ferris Bueller: "You guys got nothing to worry about, I'm a professional." A professional what?  (dailymail.co.uk)	(27)
		Our profits need to be at the gym in 26 minutes  (finance.yahoo.com)	(6)
		Munch's "The Scream" sells for $119 million. If only there were an apt visual metaphor which expressed the extreme consternation and surprise appropriate for such a sum being offered for a bit of pigment squiggled onto paper  (thedailybeast.com)	(120)
		Protip: If your first kidnapping victim gets out of the trunk of your car and escapes, you may want to wait a little more than 30 minutes before trying to kidnap another woman. Just sayin'  (myfoxatlanta.com)	(44)

		Teen saves sister by killing man with skillet. Authorities say charges probably won't pan out  (knoxnews.com)	(161)
(Some Guy)		Famous movie quotes as if spoken by a proper Englishman  (slacktory.com)	(39)
		Law banning cannabis for tourists in The Netherlands is under a week old, and already black markets have sprung up, people are now sparking up in public. PROBLEM SOLVED  (reuters.com)	(65)
		Breathe easy people, the nightmare is over. Women volleyball players say they won't be switching from bikinis to the more modest uniforms approved recently by the International Volleyball Federation   (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(56)
		North Carolina's "Amendment One" to ban Gay marriage is needed "to protect the Caucasian race" says: a) The KKK's grand wizard; b) some crazy televangelist; or c) The wife of the bill's sponsor  (dailykos.com)	(214)
		One problem with using a turkey call while out hunting turkey is that the turkey isn't the only animal that might think you're a turkey. Turkey  (sunjournal.com)	(92)
		If you are going to have sexual relations with your girlfriends dog it's probably a good idea to delete the pics off your cell phone  (tampabay.com)	(102)
		Cardboard cutout of Tim Tebow accompanies Iowa high schooler to prom, is expected to make the next Fark party  (desmoinesregister.com)	(43)
		HBO's Magic City had so much trouble finding natural women without implants or bags of bones they had to place ads and proposition strangers on the beach  (dailymail.co.uk)	(123)
		Protip: If your lawsuit claims 'chronic pain and diminished ability to enjoy life' it's probably best to keep those vacation pics off facebook  (cbc.ca)	(52)
		After analyzing all the hard evidence, FDA finally approves new fast-acting erectile dysfunction drug  (thechart.blogs.cnn.com)	(40)
		Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law means you cannot be prosecuted for using deadly force against an attacker-unless you're a woman who fires a warning shot to stop your husband's attack-then you get 20 years  (theatlanticwire.com)	(448)

		High school girl decides that just because her religion forbids dating, or even dancing with boys, that's no reason she shouldn't be able to buy an expensive prom dress--so she organizes an "all-girl prom"  (nytimes.com)	(233)
		Adidas profits run ahead of expectations (link fixed)  (bloomberg.com)	(8)
		NJ transgender woman successfully gets Aetna to cover her mammograms and prostate exams  (nj.com)	(68)
		President Jed Bartlet and the cast of The West Wing reunite for a silly pro-walking PSA  (funnyordie.com)	(31)
		In an eleventh hour adios, Lionel Richie has bailed on his newest project ABC's Duets. This guy is apparently unclear on how comebacks work. #dumbassmove  (bittenandbound.com)	(35)
		San Francisco changes the definition of what a hill is for fun and profit. But, mostly for profit  (blog.sfgate.com)	(107)
(Some Guy)		And thus ended all productivity for the day  (armorgames.com)	(56)
		Babies R Us has a modest proposal  (latimes.com)	(13)
		Dear Prudence: "My wife is very proper and would never pass gas in public (or even semi-private), but when we have sex she farts. A lot, sometimes"  (slate.com)	(158)
		"After punching a man several times in the face without provocation, Juarez got off the bus and got back on to throw a garbage can"  (big1059.com)	(22)
		The 37 saddest failed Kickstarter projects. "I have taken so many dumb part-time jobs to keep it going that it is embarrassing and tiring"  (buzzfeed.com)	(124)
(BGR)		Apple to crush carriers, become direct service provider  (bgr.com)	(88)
		The Occupy protests taking place today have a long and illustrious history, as this video from the glorious 1950 May Day parade illustrates so well. Pay no mind to the genocidal dictator on the reviewing stand  (youtube.com)	(134)
		Man left with embarrassing trouser problem after abandoning four-burgers-a-day diet (with helpful pic)  (dailystar.co.uk)	(58)
		Sears turns a profit  (chicagotribune.com)	(17)
		Step 1: Patent an obscure bit of government funded telecomm tech. Step 2: Build it into a new GPS system. Step 3: Profit  (theregister.co.uk)	(5)
		What passes for "reform" on Wall Street. Proxy advisory service: It's okay to pay the CEO of JP Morgan $23 million/year, but you really should cut his job responsibilites in half  (cnbc.com)	(9)
		"I'm proud to be joining Arsenal, one of the top clubs in Europe", said Lukas Podolski. And some say the Germans don't have a sense of humor  (telegraph.co.uk)	(15)
		"Funky Winkerbean" takes a break from cancer and soul-crushing depression to send a couple of boys to the prom together  (usatoday.com)	(45)

		On tonight's WWE Monday Night Raw, marvel in amazement as a senile promoter wastes $5 million by making Brock Lesnar sing "Feelings" to a Paul Bearersicle while eating Doritos Tacos Locos. Deep Hurting starts at 9 PM on USA  (bleacherreport.com)	(¾)
		Instrument thieves who may be prone to violins, a note from the Stop Hitting Yourself Institute, and researchers discover the Kardash-ion: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 4/22 - 4/28  (fark.com)	(11)
(Some Guy)		Improv Everywhere really knows how to make a date... special  (improveverywhere.com)	(22)
		Elect me and I promise to rebuild the Titanic  (news.com.au)	(35)
		Fark's favorite teen bride and food gourmet dons thigh high mini-dress and 6 inch heels for an impromptu trip for kitchen utensils  (dailymail.co.uk)	(187)
		In a suprise twist, federal prosecutors are demanding convicted white-collar criminal Sam Cohen, who defrauded celebrities and foundations of $60 million, be sentenced to "robbed a 7-11" kinda time  (news.yahoo.com)	(71)
(wsoctv.com)		South Carolina mother of the year shoots pool at 3:30AM, leaves baby in the car with dog for protection  (wsoctv.com)	(50)
		Spain's high unemployment throws country into recession as most common profession becomes siesta  (newser.com)	(40)
		College professor plans to study stress, alcoholism. Which may be the most ingenious way to get a research grant for writing a personal diary anyone in academia has ever come up with  (wrcbtv.com)	(11)
(WTAE-TV)		Pro tip: If you must sunbathe, don't do it in the middle of the road  (wtae.com)	(55)

		New Prometheus trailer is full of monsters. I'm not saying they're Aliens  (denofgeek.com)	(181)
		University of Texas-San Antonio football: "On second thought, the WAC does not sound good for our program, let's go to Conference USA"  (espn.go.com)	(21)
		London council to residents: "Thanks for all your complaints about drug addicts causing problems. Due to an administrative error we have given your names and phone numbers to the drug addicts....we're good though, right?"  (bbc.co.uk)	(73)
		Chin implants the latest must-have for U.S teen girls wanting to make an impact on prom night  (dailymail.co.uk)	(113)
		Good news: Eight mayors band together to publicly compare the ban on marijuana in the United States to Prohibition. Bad news: They're not mayors in the United States  (blog.seattlepi.com)	(116)
(Cap Times)		A new challenger has risen in the Wisconsin recall. He's a winner who's performed on the national stage and is probably more popular than anyone else in the field...Charles Woodson  (host.madison.com)	(34)
		Minnesota Viking arrested for beating someone, proving that he's not really Vikings material  (espn.go.com)	(20)
		Jury finds that cop who beat up a legally blind doctor, from behind and without provocation, is a total prick. Bonus: police internal affairs cleared the cop and recommend the man be charged after defending himself  (cbc.ca)	(166)

		Student uses cell phone camera to document important high school events: Homecoming dance, Senior prom, ex-principal passionately kissing ex-school secretary  (dailymail.co.uk)	(81)
(Some Guy)		Last year, GM awarded its CEO $7.7M in compensation - and used its proxy statement to complain that the government kept them from paying even more  (ksdk.com)	(60)
		Nothing gives you confidence in the electoral process quite like being handed a scrap of paper to write your vote on because they ran out of ballot papers  (couriermail.com.au)	(26)
		TV guest star arrives late, doesn't know lines, looks disinterested, forces producers to hurriedly hire a body double. Yes... it's just another day with Lindsay Lohan on the set of Glee  (dailymail.co.uk)	(51)
		2013 Ford Mustang 5.8-liter, 662 horsepower engine named world's most powerful production V-8. Idle consumer interest suddenly revs up  (content.usatoday.com)	(97)
(kmvt)		Bakersfield, California named as the city with the worst air quality in the nation. However, if you're stuck in Bakersfield the poor air quality is probably the least of your annoyances  (kmvt.com)	(89)
		Bullied children are more prone to self-harm, says new study from the Stop Hitting Yourself Institute  (bbc.co.uk)	(109)
(Multichannel News)		Problem: Your network's ratings are down because so many people stream your shows on Netflix. Solution: Pull your best shows from Netflix  (multichannel.com)	(95)

		Prison officials propose law to label masturbating inmates as sex offenders, opponents say either way it would be tossed  (courant.com)	(182)
		Problem: Scientific research firm says your company's to blame for bees dying. Solution: Buy the firm  (consumerist.com)	(48)
(IBTimes)		Calm down everybody. There's no proof that Egyptians are actually considering a law to allow husbands to engage in necrophilia with their dead wives in order to raise an army of zombie concubines  (ibtimes.com)	(103)
		Hyman Strachman, an 92 year old World War II veteran, is one of the United States most prolific movie pirates, sending free copies of recent new release movies to our troops overseas  (nytimes.com)	(184)
		Back in the day, a stoned projectionist could allow a film to get jammed and melt in front of the bulb. Nowadays, he can accidentally delete an entire film, even if it's at a vital press screening of "The Avengers"  (slate.com)	(69)
		In the wake of the Secret Service prostitute scandal, Colombia has plenty of laughs mocking the US for the incident. That is, of course, until a US airline advertisement associates Colombia with prostitution. Now it's not funny anymore  (bbc.co.uk)	(84)
		Pass a law that protects some corporations by forcing their competition to charge 35% more and delay orders by customers? Why would anyone have a problem with that?  (weeklystandard.com)	(221)
(washington examiner)		Spinach-based solar cells get development grant from EPA to study effects on photosynthetic proteins, bloated forearms   (campaign2012.washingtonexaminer.com)	(15)
		Dumb: Getting drunk and picking up a prostitute. Dumber: Passing out in a hotel room in the company of prostitute. Dumbest: Passing out in the company of a prostitute while in possession of $500K worth of diamonds  (nypost.com)	(49)
		Prosecutors set up mock "Hunger Games" trial with first graders to highlight the issues with Stand Your Ground laws  (sun-sentinel.com)	(45)
		Professor uses 35 years of medical research to show that it's okay to have sexy time with your cousin  (stuff.co.nz)	(99)

		56 years ago today, the first container ship set sail bringing cheap products here, better economies and better wages abroad, huge carbon footprints, and a race to the bottom here. And cheap products  (wired.com)	(46)
		Let's say you worked at Sesame Street and realized that the walls were actually big chalk boards. You'd probably do this, too  (laughingsquid.com)	(116)
		Biden: "I promise you, the president has a big stick"   (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(161)
		Those stories about TARP making a profit for the taxpayer? About that  (telegraph.co.uk)	(128)
		Kobe Bryant will probably suit up and start tonight's Lakers game with four scrubs, which is totally to get ready for the playoffs and not even a little bit because he needs 38 to win the scoring title  (espn.go.com)	(45)
(Some Guy)		Fark's favorite state reverses its demographic decline, proving PT Barnum was right after all  (city-journal.org)	(28)
		Even in a first-degree murder case, everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty. But you're not helping things if you're the one arrested and you have a tattoo of a gun between your eyebrows  (palmbeachpost.com)	(72)
		NFL Pro Bowl to be cancelled, but teams will still honor Pro Bowl incentives. Captured on video, this would make a better 3.5 hours of television  (nfl.com)	(56)
		Prom for home-schooled teens included night of life sized chess and barefooted sword fighting, many awkward moments of realizing other teens exist outside of television and internet  (star-telegram.com)	(79)
		Farmers at center of mad cow probe grumble over tainted image, tell investigators they had the fish  (businessweek.com)	(14)
(NBCPhiladelphia)		Neighborhood activist who protested the most about vandalism arrested for slashing tires  (nbcphiladelphia.com)	(20)
		Philadelphia Eagles manage to acquire 7th round pick for 4-time pro bowl corner Asante Samuel  (espn.go.com)	(46)
(Some Guy)		Bank of America claims 'lifetime' free checking means the lifetime of that promotion  (abclocal.go.com)	(55)
(kgw.com)		Instruments stolen from band bus. Authorities warn that the suspects may be prone to violins  (kgw.com)	(68)
		How to prove you've been abducted by aliens. Step 1: rent "Independence Day" and commit Randy Quaid's performance to memory  (gizmodo.com)	(47)
		The Huffington Post gives props to Fark.com for a "little nugget that Fark pointed out." We are highly skilled at the art of nugget pointing, yes  (huffingtonpost.com)	(7)
		ProTip #1: After burgling a home, do not call the owner the next day offering to come over and trade your swag. For ProTip #2,3 RTFA  (komonews.com)	(25)
		Hottie proves the even kidneys can be recycled (w/pic)  (google.com)	(61)

		Not news: Americans solicit prostitute while traveling abroad. News: They're government officials and broke her collar bone after refusing to pay the agreed price. Fark: This isn't part of the Secret Service fiasco  (dailymail.co.uk)	(107)
		Marathon runner stops 800 yards from the finish line to propose to his girlfriend. You know, he could have done all that without the running  (thesun.co.uk)	(32)
		Some of the Secret Service Agents did not have sex with the hookers because they were too drunk. Also, Secret Service Agents on Bill Clinton's detail went to a Brazilian strip club, though that was part of their protective duties   (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(64)
		Prom date drops out at the last minute? No prom for you  (nydailynews.com)	(111)
		New coffee shop featuring A, B, and C cup sizes and female workers in low-cut tops, is proving to be a big hit with customers  (qctimes.com)	(115)
		The newest sensation sweeping the nation? Mom proms  (wxyz.com)	(156)
(Some Guy)		Web site offers $1M to anyone who can prove they have had sex with Tim Tebow. Bonus: Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski reveals that he can line up on either side of the formation  (newyork.cbslocal.com)	(50)
(Some Morons)		Ad for life-saving EpiPen pulled from air after outraged parents of children with food allergies protest that it makes them look like bad parents. Because I'd rather my child die than suffer the embarrassment of being considered a bad parent  (blogs.babycenter.com)	(176)
		Sure, you say you love your dog. But would you get locked into an epic tug-of-war with an eagle to protect it?  (couriermail.com.au)	(145)
(Some Guy)		All porno movies produced in Simi Valley must now be reviewed by city's police department to ensure proper condom use. Breathless, sweaty detectives promise to put in as many hours as it takes to service protection  (losangeles.cbslocal.com)	(136)
(Some Guy)		Running virutally unopposed, Romney sweeps all five Republican primaries, and promises voters "A better America" even if he has to buy it himself  (norwichbulletin.com)	(138)
		Six more Alan Moore projects DC can exploit  (comicsalliance.com)	(51)
		Proof yet again that Obama is the Anti-Clinton: Young woman spills her yogurt on Obama  (abcnews.go.com)	(95)
		"Their vision is that if there's a sliver of folks doing well at the top who are unencumbered by any regulatory restraints, that prosperity will trickle down. The challenge that they're going to have is: We tried it"  (rollingstone.com)	(188)
		Ted Williams' family auctioning off his personal memorabilia with "some of the proceeds" going to charity. Guess they can't quit when you're a head  (sports.yahoo.com)	(20)
		Penske profits up 38% due to hard work of George Costanza  (marketwatch.com)	(8)
		Girl makes prom dress out of corrugated cardboard. For previous proms, she's worn dresses she made from soda can pull-tabs and empty Doritos packets. And, yes, you should have a seat over there  (npr.org)	(194)
		Do not be trying this at home, I am professional Russian. Professional Russian trifecta in play (Some profanity)  (youtube.com)	(57)
		Defamed by an anonymous poster on a forum? Profit  (dailymail.co.uk)	(133)
(Some Guy)		Thanks for using Google Drive, and thanks for letting us use your pictures, video, and other files for our promotional materials ad infinitum. [A.K.A. - Google gets to use any material you sync or upload with Google Drive. Enjoy]  (jeremygibbs.com)	(160)
(Fox Sports)		Minor league team runs promotion offering free tickets to fans who can throw harder than Jamie Moyer. More than 80 try, none succeed  (foxsportsnorth.com)	(105)

		Ron Paul backs CISPA, believing the cybersecurity bill will protect his medication from robots   (idealab.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(147)
		Right wing anti-tax group files paperwork under the hilarious and fitting name "Citizens Apposed to the Library Project"  (blogs.indystar.com)	(183)
		Based on no evidence whatsoever, Chuck Grassley brings up that the Colombian Hookers in the Secret Service scandal were probably Russian Spies. Or whatever  (politico.com)	(82)
		Girl so mad school wouldn't let her go to prom just because her Confederate flag dress was "inappropriate and offensive" even though they totally told her that beforehand  (wonkette.com)	(363)
		The profits at Rent-A-Center are too damn high  (businessweek.com)	(64)
		Ann Romney: "I love that poor women are forced to work to provide for their kids while I lived off of my rich husband's trust fund"  (thinkprogress.org)	(436)
		Here's what will NOT get you fired from the Fargo, N.D., Police Department: a) Having sex with a teenager in your squad car, and b) leaving your squad car unlocked, allowing a thief to steal handcuffs, Taser, ammo and bulletproof vest  (duluthnewstribune.com)	(90)
		AZ legislature passes law demanding the federal government turn over title to 48,000 sq miles of federally owned land in the state. Federal government promises to get right on that the second the Federal Supremacy Clause is repealed  (news.yahoo.com)	(198)
		Man spends 15 years in jail that was originally a 3 year sentence because.....c) his father would not pardon him "until he is proven to be righteous by his father"  (news.yahoo.com)	(91)
		Should an American citizen who translates Al-Qaeda propaganda for the purposes of spreading it be charged with treason? Or is it a valid expression of his first amendment rights? Difficulty: Not hypothetical   (andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com)	(237)
		Good Idea for a GOP candidate: appointing an openly gay policy advisor to show centrist voters you are open-minded. Bad Idea: appoint an advisor who becomes a catty biatch on Twitter about prominent political women's appearance and dress  (news.yahoo.com)	(61)
(Vulture.com)		"Game of Thrones" has a kid problem. And it's not just you wanting to punch Joffrey  (vulture.com)	(333)
		Deep down in places you don't talk about you know. You want the Department of Homeland Security on that wall. YOU NEED THEM ON THAT WALL. Protecting us from counterfeit NFL jerseys  (baltimoresun.com)	(85)
		Future Hall of Famer Pudge Rodriguez shows how to properly throw the first pitch  (buzzfeed.com)	(34)
		Artwork and character designs for Before Watchmen have surfaced, and they just look great, though artwise it's hard to top Dave Gibson. Storywise, though, it won't be a problem  (comicsalliance.com)	(39)
		NY Judge rules that your "tweets" belong to Twitter and not you, which means prosecutors don't need a warrant before obtaining them, even if you've "deleted" them  (news.yahoo.com)	(44)
		When members of the armed forces eliminate public enemy #1, that has nothing to do with the President. But when they hire hookers, it's proof of his failure as a leader  (huffingtonpost.com)	(65)
		"Does Mitt Romney have a Latino problem?" This article is not about his maid service, lawn care, or chauffeur  (610wiod.com)	(24)
(Some Guy)		Man accused of raping four prostitutes in Pontiac. Subby is guessing it wasn't a Fiero  (myfoxdetroit.com)	(85)
		Self-described prophet breaks glass, rips out TVs, destroys Jeep, and writes 'Fear God' in his own blood. Don't blame the Devil for this one  (wptv.com)	(23)

		'grandfather.bat' is not recognized as an internal or external command, operable program or batch file. Loading 'eisenhower.exe'  (salon.com)	(62)
		"Prostate surgery... acute urinary retention... heart attack..." "Things that are serious, things that doctors oversee, THINGS THAT APPEAR ON DICK CLARK'S DEATH CERTIFICATE"  (tmz.com)	(27)
		Boy takes girl with Down Syndrome to prom, where every dance is a slow dance  (dailymail.co.uk)	(168)
		Forest Whitaker adopts elementary school as part of a new NEA project  (blogs.desmoinesregister.com)	(19)
(Some Guy)		Quadcopter modified to carry machine gun, or fun fake to promote Call of Duty?  (geek.com)	(45)
		Felicia Day gives props to Fark and Carrie Fisher. Sorta  (youtube.com)	(47)
		Obama gaining ground in 14 recently polled swing states whose economy seems to be improving faster than the country as a whole. This is bad news... for Obama  (daytondailynews.com)	(49)
(Political Wire)		Charles Krauthammer: "If Rubio passes the vetting process, I think he's the obvious choice. And if he says he doesn't want the office, he'll find a horse's head in his bed. The next day he will accept"  (politicalwire.com)	(83)
		Win/Win: Businesses that publish police mug shots are proliferating online, shaming those with DUI charges or other arrests into spend hundreds of dollars to have their information removed from the sites  (abcnews.go.com)	(81)
		A woman donates a kidney to her her ailing boss, then is promptly fired  (nypost.com)	(202)
		Texas Mom who put an ad on a billboard in an unsucessful attempt to get her daughter elected prom queen now says her daughter is being "harrassed" and teased by fellow students. Gee, who could possibly have forseen that?  (abcnews.go.com)	(75)
(The Local - France)		Not News: Girl sent home from school for wearing "provocative" clothing. Fark: Her skirt was too long  (thelocal.fr)	(84)
		Actor re-enacts jewelry store robbery for crime show, is promptly arrested after being identified by vigilant citizens  (thelocal.de)	(17)
		Proponents think the US Secret Service prostitution scandal is a fantastic opportunity to lobby for legalized whore-banging  (abcnews.go.com)	(67)
(Some Guy)		Dodgers to give away free blankets when they host the Native American-themed Braves tomorrow night. No smallpox this time, they promise  (goldstar.com)	(40)

(Some Guy)		"Even though I spent over $500, I probably will have to go to the grocery store tomorrow." Why yes, we ARE talking about Costco  (lifeinc.today.msnbc.msn.com)	(280)
		First came "pink slime," the processed beef too dubious even for McDonald's. Now "tuna scrape" might be poised to become the seafood equivalent  (newser.com)	(141)
		Joe Lieberman plans to call hearings on Secret Service prostitution scandal. Hearings to be aired on C-SPAN, Cinemax  (courant.com)	(129)
		If you're a prom queen with cancer who just got $17,000 in sympathy donations, it's probably a good idea to really have cancer  (nypost.com)	(76)
		Is your wife or girlfriend baby crazy? If so, their biological clock is ticking, and science has finally proved it to be true  (salon.com)	(120)
		Protests flare in Bahrain as as the F1 Grand Prix is set to go live at 7:30 AM ET. Sebastian Vettel is on pole, Nico Rosberg starts 4th, and Force India will test its new TV invisibility field  (cnn.com)	(89)
		Subby's nephew was invited to the prom via a "cheezy" invitation written in the dead of night with CheezWhiz and cheese puffs, what was the most cheesy way someone asked you out?  (i.imgur.com)	(108)

		Tossing mud balls containing flower and vegetable seeds into vacant lots is the "cool" and "radical" way to prove you're a revolutionary, bomb-throwing hipster  (denverpost.com)	(200)
		Levon Helm hated The Last Waltz, aka "Martin Scorcese Presents The Robbie Robertson Show, Starring Robbie Robertson with music by Robbie Robertson, a Tyler Perry Production"  (slate.com)	(40)
		She laid back on the table in a provocative pose and smiled admiringly at the way he played with his balls  (youtube.com)	(32)
		Theme: Warning labels for products that don't need them. LGT inspriration  (i.imgur.com)	(40)
		Doomed: Eight products the Facebook Generation will not buy  (finance.yahoo.com)	(320)
		Great news, everybody. Pat Boone has solved our energy problems by inventing controlled fusion  (wnd.com)	(173)
		Oregon father and son build 1/3-scale Fenway Park replica on their farm. Shoeless Joe Jackson approves  (deadspin.com)	(29)
		New menu items offered by McDonald's have insured that their profits stay as fat as their customers  (seattlepi.com)	(21)
(ksdk.com)		Marcy the chihuahua adopts two motherless kittens, feeding and caring for them at the shelter while they all wait for a home. More proof that dogs are also welcome on Caturday  (ksdk.com)	(827)
		Romney's new foreign policy wonk has been a rude Tweeter, so he has promised to be a good boy and delete all his rude tweets from the internet. Obviously not his technology policy wonk  (dailykos.com)	(40)
		In further proof that God hates the Red Sox, Bronx Bombers bombard Boston with 5 home runs on Fenway Park's 100th birthday  (mlb.mlb.com)	(230)

		Tom Davis (R-ret.): There are still centrist Republicans out there, but I won't name a single one because they'll probably lose their next primary to some Tea Partier  (washingtonpost.com)	(120)
		Put down your bong for a minute, it's time for the Fark Weird News Quiz, the only test in the world that you'll probably do a little better at if you're baked  (fark.com)	(58)
		"I think the Vikings are probably going to be around for another year or so"  (startribune.com)	(96)
		Two guys have invented an affordable way for anyone to lucid dream with ease -- and look snazzy in the process. Subby is actually farking from his sleep  (wptv.com)	(130)
		"We discovered the process of blowing coke up each other's asses. There, I have said it. It's not like we invented the practice but I realize now it's not an everyday thing for most people"  (starpulse.com)	(65)
(Some Guy)		Yarnell's to restart ice cream production. Shields overjoyed  (1035superx.com)	(27)
(some blog)		How to avoid problems with long TSA lines c) Get your own airplane  (tecca.com)	(31)
		Assistant principal accuses elementary school student of sexting, then makes the kid look at naked cell phone picture to prove it  (cbsatlanta.com)	(109)
(Some Guy)		Rihanna seen rolling blunt on man's head at Coachella. Hologram Tupac shakes his head disapprovingly  (vancouversun.com)	(44)
		Sarah Palin comments on the Secret Service scandal. Of course, when she's not objectifying the First Lady or painting the entire protection detail with a broad brush, she's joking about how Barack Obama eats dogs  (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(166)
		One of the Secret Service agents in the middle of the Colombian prostitution scandal was part of Sarah Palin's detail, and he often joked about checking her out  (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(191)
		Obamunism has the same problem that most isms share. People picked it based on emotion and have spent their lives- and their credibility- trying to justifying it based on logic  (finance.townhall.com)	(142)
		Nestle's profits begin to melt away  (reuters.com)	(12)
(Some Guy)		Mel Gibson wears "top-notch Hollywood prosthetic" masks when he goes out to dinner, makes reservations under the name "Castor Troy"  (thewrap.com)	(50)
		Even when the chips are down, Microsoft shows it can still turn a profit  (reuters.com)	(10)
		Catching a foul ball while holding a cup of beer? No problem. How about catching a foul ball while balancing a pizza? (w/video)  (deadspin.com)	(15)
		1) Rewrite SOPA, 2) Add a little something to the bill for the companies that opposed SOPA to begin with 3) Profit  (youtube.com)	(73)
		Since Prom isn't overly expensive and a true waste of money, kids aren't getting invitations, they're getting "Prom-posals"  (desmoinesregister.com)	(82)
		Alabama bans beer over dirty name, you know, for the children. The name? "Dirty Bastard" Bonus: State approved the sale of "Fat Bastard" wine and "Raging biatch" beer  (foxnews.com)	(79)

		Dem Governor: "Not saying Mitt would have a problem with women due to his dad being born in a polygamy commune, but Mitt would have a problem with women due to his dad being born in a polygamy commune"   (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(105)
		Want to see reasons why the top prospects should not be drafted? Check this out, it compares Andrew Luck to Todd Marinovich  (grantland.com)	(27)
		Prosecutors in the Trayvon Martin case have filed... ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ THAT MUST BE GENE GENE THE DANCING MACHINE  (youtube.com)	(32)
		No proof bad gums cause heart disease, just don't breathe on me, okay?  (vitals.msnbc.msn.com)	(28)
		Oklahoma House Democrats will not hear proposed personhood bill, fearing it would lead to bans on birth control and in-vitro fertilization. Wait, that's not right, that was House Republicans, not House Demo...wait, what?  (newsok.com)	(131)
		Well the one good thing about Ted Nugent's NRA convention rant is that it was so irresponsible and inappropriate that no mainstream poltician could possibly still support him right? I mean except for Allen West of course  (politico.com)	(110)
(Some Alien Abductee Guy)		Tired of being abducted and "probed" by space aliens? Resistance is fertile  (alienresistance.org)	(62)
		Chicken industries will now be doing their own inspections of chickens before they leave the factory. I'm okay with this because big business has never cut safety measures or regulations in the name of profits  (news.yahoo.com)	(98)
		You should probably take some remedial driver's ed classes when your car goes airborne and ends up stuck in the side of a house  (msnbc.msn.com)	(18)
		Coca-Cola profit rises 8% in the first quarter. Dentists brace for second quarter earnings surge  (usatoday.com)	(6)
		Can Mitt Romney talk to women, or was that a flaw his programmers overlooked?  (salon.com)	(48)
		British parliament in uproar over plans to tax the Cornish pasty and other ancient pie-related products  (express.co.uk)	(50)
(Some Guy)		The Dodd Frank finance reform bill has given control of many duties once performed by the FTC to the new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. This leaves 1,176 employees with $292 million to regulate appliance labels  (blog.heritage.org)	(30)
		Three men file suit against the producers of the TV show "The Bachelor" accusing them racial bias. Producers say the charges are ridiculous and it's total coincidence that in 23 seasons they've never had a minority lead  (wishtv.com)	(92)
(Some Guy)		The problem with the whole dark matter hypothesis is that we can't seem to find any at all in our neighborhood  (phys.org)	(74)
		Strap on some profits  (jsonline.com)	(10)
(Some Rockhound)		James Cameron's next project might be a remake of 'Armageddon'  (theverge.com)	(115)
		WebProNews picks up the story of Drew's TED talk with a featured full page article  (webpronews.com)	(1)
		Rockwell always feels like somebody's profiting off them  (marketwatch.com)	(7)
(Some Guy)		International pop star Gotye shows up to pub trivia night at a tiny bar in San Francisco. Proceeds to dominate hipsters with encyclopedic music knowledge  (blogs.sfweekly.com)	(55)
		Looking for a vacation destination sure to provoke awkward silences from you and uncomfortable questions from your kids? The be sure to visit Michigan's newest attraction: The Jim Crow Museum of Racist Memorabilia  (news.yahoo.com)	(98)
		Situated in sleepy Kent, protected from nuclear attack and built miles underground lies The Bunker...step inside Europe's most secure data centre  (humansinvent.com)	(17)
		FDA proposes corn syrup to be called corn sugar. In similar news saturated fat to be renamed artery thickener  (usatoday.com)	(199)

		Space firm about to make a major announcement regarding new project that will "add trillions of dollars to the global GDP." The Bad Astronomer take a stab at what it is. Hint: It's asteroid mining  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(133)
		The 30 greatest musical acts playing right now. Difficulty: you've probably only heard of ten of them  (ew.com)	(250)
		Mystery that started with the question why a prominent mobster was buried in a secret Opus Dei church in the Vatican leads to a story so twisted that even Mario Puzo would say "I couldn't make this up"  (news.yahoo.com)	(91)
		Obama campaign, March: Romney's a centrist weasel mooching all the progressive hopenchanginess. Obama campaign, April: Romney's a waronwomeny rightwing onepercenter racist douchebag racist  (thehill.com)	(90)
		The coolest video of a coronal mass ejection on the Sun you'll see...well...probably ever  (nasa.gov)	(36)
		I'm a prostitute robot from the future  (stuff.co.nz)	(269)
(Some Guy)		Not news: Son pays off father's $10,000 medical bill. News: He's six. Fark: The money was proceeds from his lemonade stand  (mega949.com)	(123)
		While having a profession can be a good thing, being a professional shoplifter is generally frowned upon  (dailymail.co.uk)	(16)
		Good news: scientists discover that drinking heavily before an exam will improve your grades. Bad news: it only applies to water  (bbc.co.uk)	(25)
		Kentucky starting line up to return for another NCAA tournament run........just kidding, they are all going pro  (ajc.com)	(94)

		Is predicting crime before it happens: (a) something out of Philip K. Dick's "Minority Report," (b) a DHS research project, (c) a terrible and dangerous idea, (d) all of the above?  (theatlantic.com)	(123)
		Warren Buffett acquires prostate cancer  (blogs.wsj.com)	(145)
		Batman and Jay-Z team up to solve 99 problems  (comicsalliance.com)	(41)
(Some Guy)		Maria Sharapova cuts her hair. Studman69 does not approve  (businessinsider.com)	(75)
		If you're an American getting in-vitro fertilization in another country you better make sure you have proof one of the donors is also American  (today.msnbc.msn.com)	(150)
		Are you a member of the 1% or the 99%? Handy gadget from the WSJ helps you find out. Subby is in the 93rd percentile, and proud of it  (blogs.wsj.com)	(431)
		MIT physics researcher who flew to Colorado for sex with minors able to work out one last problem in loop quantum gravity theory  (thedenverchannel.com)	(73)
		As Europe prepares for the next round of bailouts, officials promise yet again that this time will be different  (telegraph.co.uk)	(77)
(Some Guy)		The current Democratically-controlled Senate is the laziest in 20 years. Don't believe me? Here's your proof  (washingtonexaminer.com)	(141)
(Some Guy)		"Oh, and did we mention that the Colombian prostitutes were probably underage?"  (wiod.com)	(183)
(Film School Rejects)		The creative minds behind Prometheus want you to meet David. Michael Fassbender seems to be a good choice, considering he pulled a Michelangelo's David with his last film and let it all hang out  (filmschoolrejects.com)	(70)
		Now that the Avengers movie is finally coming out, what can Marvel Studios do to top it? Plenty, apparently. "We have the comics. When you're producing a story a month for 45 years, there are enough great (ones)"  (io9.com)	(157)
		Rihanna desperately attempts to restart sagging music career by : A) Meeting with producers. B) Writing additional material. C) Posting new bikini photos  (dailymail.co.uk)	(79)
(Some Guy)		Austin Police Department says officer followed procedure when he showed up for a domestic disturbance at the wrong address, pulled his gun on the startled resident, and shot his dog dead in front of him in a span of four seconds  (kvue.com)	(306)
		New trailer for "Tron: Uprising". Master Control Program unimpressed  (insidetv.ew.com)	(111)
		Hell hath no fury like a woman in the Clark County, NV Detention Center who's 36 and doesn't have time for other people's problems and issues anymore scorned (NSFW language)  (trutv.com)	(41)

		Nicki Minaj deletes her twitter account that had million of followers. Social media professionals everywhere break into Nancy Kerrigan style cries of "WHY WHY WHY"  (hitfix.com)	(65)
		Senate GOP blocks Obama's 'Buffett Rule' in procedural vote. Warren Buffet is still ok  (newser.com)	(285)
(13 WMAZ)		Police in Milledgeville, GA arrest a six-year-old girl for simple assault and property damage after knocking over a shelf in a school tantrum that injured the principal. Thank god that monster is off our streets  (13wmaz.com)	(245)
		Barney Frank begins process of throwing Obama under the bus  (nationaljournal.com)	(199)
		Part-time municipal prosecutor arrested for his day job as a criminal attorney. A *CRIMINAL* attorney  (nj.com)	(52)
		Do you want to bulletproof your Corolla? Your Chevy truck? Well, DuPont has got you covered  (chicagotribune.com)	(55)
		U.S teens now spend $1078 for senior prom tickets, limo, clothes, good-night handshake  (upi.com)	(211)
(business insider)		After 30 years, Harrison Ford to sell his Brentwood mansion Promptly breaks the bad news to friends, neighbors, long time gardener and handyman, Mark Hamill  (businessinsider.com)	(91)
(NBCChicago)		Hey Kelsey Grammer -- if you've been married four times, it's probably not a good idea to ink your latest wife's name on your waist  (nbcchicago.com)	(50)
		The fact that global warming is "an unproven theory pushed by tree-huggers" hasn't stopped the five nations bordering the Arctic from preparing their militaries to seize the Northwest Passage the moment it thaws  (news.yahoo.com)	(354)
		15 ridiculous knock off products. Including MFC Chicken, Johns Daphne Tenderness Whiskey, and the good old Panosaonic speakers  (break.com)	(64)
		George the goldfish develops Hitler mustache, proposes finny solution  (metro.co.uk)	(50)
		Ye olde lolcats. Even in the 1870s people were obsessed with taking bizarre photos of their pets. Ceiling cat looks down in approval  (dailymail.co.uk)	(69)

		College professor defends her decision to show 20 minute pornographic film to students in her Human Sexuality class  (huffingtonpost.com)	(232)
		Professor McGonagall is leaving Downton Abbey after series three, will undoubtedly look for a place that knows how to spell Downtown  (deadline.com)	(54)
		Mass Effect 3 "...provoked a bigger fan reaction than any other videogame's conclusion in history." Only EA would advertise this  (forbes.com)	(225)
		Japanese developer comes up with solution for the problem of iPhones being ruined by .50 caliber bullets  (dailymail.co.uk)	(37)
		Fark-ready headline: Ex-stripper now suing one-legged property magnate for $10m after he slashed her with gold Rolex  (dailymail.co.uk)	(53)
		State of California finds Pamela Anderson to be as proficient at managing her finances as you'd expect should would be  (dailymail.co.uk)	(50)
		Ketchup-covered homeless man lies in middle of the street to profanely protest how tourism has ruined Key West  (tampabay.com)	(72)

		Hipster Cosplay: You've probably never heard of it  (io9.com)	(40)
		Purple produce purveyors petulantly proclaim premature primavera preemptively prevented personal prosperity, postponing packaged product premiere, prompting product pusillanimity  (freep.com)	(40)
		Prince forced to pay $4 million to cosmetics company for failing to promote their products. That's a lot of raspberry berets  (spinner.com)	(26)
		The producers of The Walking Dead reflect on a very different season two and what we can expect from season three. "We wanted to kill Herschel, but it wouldn't have done anything for us"  (hollywoodreporter.com)	(150)
		Here's our winner for Most Appropriate Use of the Obvious Tag  (slate.com)	(62)
		TARP was such a colossal failure, taxpayers are likely on the hook for a sizable profit  (bottomline.msnbc.msn.com)	(173)
(Some Guy)		Lots of baby girls born this year will probably live to Rue the name their parents give them in a fit of "Hunger Games" fandom  (moms.today.msnbc.msn.com)	(131)
		Romney adviser says his "private views" aren't necessarily the same as what he professes in public. How do you like your nominee now, Teabaggers?  (washingtonpost.com)	(132)
		Mitt Romney has strayed from his programming, is once again arguing against birth control  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(151)
		Photoshop this post-game process   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com)	(22)
		Secret Service agents on the Obama detail relieved of duty after relieving their duty with Colombian prostitutes  (guardian.co.uk)	(195)
		There are some novelty gifts you probably should not have delivered to the World Financial Center  (dailymail.co.uk)	(43)

(Nashville Scene)		On Aug. 16th, Rifftrax will broadcast a live riff of "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" from the Belcourt Theater in Nashville, TN to 500 theaters across the country. The master approves  (nashvillescene.com)	(72)
		The problem with the "Buffett Rule" isn't that Warren Buffett's secretary pays more in tax than he does, it's that she's being called a "secretary" instead of an "administrative assistant"  (edition.cnn.com)	(291)
(WLUK-TV)		If you're having problems finding the night deposit box at the local funeral parlor, you really shouldn't leave the package next door  (fox11online.com)	(14)
		The peacekeeper slowly entered, surprising the illegal gambling party. He knew these men were among the rich and powerful, but the tin shield on his chest proclaimed justice for all. Then one of the gamblers, in desperation, pulled a gun  (wrcbtv.com)	(112)
		Muslims and Methodists back UK college's plans for alcohol-free zones on campus because drinking is "evil". Farkers retort with proposal for free-alcohol zones on campus because drinking is "essential"  (telegraph.co.uk)	(127)
		Botox approved ten years ago this week to the delight of fish-lipped, stretch-faced women everywhere  (usatoday.com)	(13)

		Adding to the things Detroit can be proud of, they have just been named the biggest Nickelback market in the world  (mlive.com)	(41)
		The Fox Mole leaks footage of Sean Hannity praising the use of teleprompters  (gawker.com)	(186)
		Problem: night raids are the most effective tactic used by the US in Afghanistan, but it outrages Afghans because soldiers sometimes see women without their veils on. Solution: train Afghan women as commandos  (news.yahoo.com)	(159)
		Is America (snicker) ready for (chortle) professional (giggle) Ultimate (guffaw) Frisbee?  (slate.com)	(55)
(Billings Gazette)		"Law enforcement learns communication techniques," such as I'll Mirandize You When You Confess, Probable Cause 'Cause You Probably Did It, and Brokering Meaningful Dialogue Between Nightstick and Perp  (billingsgazette.com)	(49)
(The Jakarta Globe)		Okay, criminals. We're going to let you free because of the tsunami alert but you have to promise to come back to jail later when everything is back to normal, okay? Okay? Guys?  (thejakartaglobe.com)	(13)
		Scientists try to find out if Scotch whiskey can mature in zero gravity, as the space program finally gets serious about an eight-month flight to Mars  (forbes.com)	(19)
		Man featured on the reality show "Millionaire Matchmaker" exposed as a professional con man, and judging by his mug-shot, some species of elf or woodsprite  (news.yahoo.com)	(34)
(The Daily Dolt)		Good news: economy is improving so you can find a job and stop farking around all day. Bad news: Grandma's gonna die. Draw?  (thedailydolt.com)	(38)
		This sturgeon tagged and released in Wisconsin would be big enough to play center for the Cleveland Cavaliers. And probably good enough, too  (duluthnewstribune.com)	(29)

		Tony Romo the proud father of a bouncing baby boy. With cringe inducing did you REALLY wear a backwards ball cap in the hospital picture  (deadspin.com)	(117)
(Some Chick)		Photoshop theme: Design a poster promoting a charitable organization that doesn't really exist, but should. (LGT sample ad for real charity.)  (files.coloribus.com)	(36)
		Prosecutor confirms Zimmerman will be charged in the Trayvon Martin shooting, assuming they can find the guy  (nymag.com)	(2461)
		"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you should find my client not guilty because he didn't intend to strangle the prostitute he picked up. It just happened"  (qctimes.com)	(81)
		AG Eric Holder will give The Martin/Zimmerman case a thorough review, likely with the same level of care and attentiveness that was applied to the "Fast and Furious" program. Nothing like kowtowing to Sharpton in an election year  (news.yahoo.com)	(608)
		Twin strippers get drunk, take baseball bat and use it improperly just after opening day. Aristocrats? Yes, with pics  (newsok.com)	(94)
(Some Guy)		Proof that gaming is art: Nintendo to provide the Louvre with 3DS guided tours. Mamma Mia the Mona Lisa  (gamescatalyst.com)	(13)
		Nokia's plan to kill the iPhone: 1) Pin hopes on Windows Phone. 2) Release new flagship model with glitches. 3) To atone for glitches, give it away free. 4) Wait, what about profit?  (pcworld.com)	(43)
		NY conservatives to pro-same-sex-marriage Republicans, 2011: YOU WILL PAY, RINO VERMIN. NY conservatives to pro-same-sex-marriage Republicans, 2012: WE GOT NOTHIN'  (nytimes.com)	(58)
		Russian protesters are admonished that they really shouldn't want freedom, American-style  (english.pravda.ru)	(45)
		Prepare yourself: The Special Prosecutor in the Trayvon Martin case will release new information on the case within 72 hours  (nytimes.com)	(892)
		Proof that marijuana does not make you funnier or more creative: James Belushi caught with a doobie by TSA  (azcentral.com)	(72)

		Mitt Romney uses a "gay voice", according to a professional gay voice expert. Wait...a professional WHAT?  (gawker.com)	(117)
(Some Guy)		Demonstrating how the Catch And Release program works in New Hampshire, Man gets two DUIs in three hours. That's dedication  (wmur.com)	(19)
		Sony discovers that making products that are crap can result in a $6.4 billion loss  (nytimes.com)	(111)
		Arkansas ends its inappropriate relationship with Bobby Petrino  (sports.yahoo.com)	(160)
		Overhead shots of Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s property imply that the American Pickers should pay him a visit  (sports.yahoo.com)	(118)
		"I think this will be a process, a process of dialogue, of debate, and in the end I see no other path than decriminalization...as long as the demand exists"  (washingtonpost.com)	(55)
(LAist)		Vandal trashes Octomom's car & leaves note "LEAVE CALIFORNIA OR YOU WILL DIE" ...probably not of embarassment  (laist.com)	(124)
(Minneapolis Business Journal)		"I even made him send a picture of himself with his junk stuck in a jar of mayonnaise to show he was serious" the attorney probably said  (bizjournals.com)	(88)
		Miami Marlins fail to realize that the cold war ended decades ago. Suspend Ozzie Guillen for pro-Castro remarks. Guess the Marlins support the brutal military dictatorship of Batista and old system of racial serfdom instead  (espn.go.com)	(271)
(Ballpark Digest)		Myrtle Beach Pelicans sign stadium naming-rights deal with Ticketmaster wannabe, proclaiming them "pioneer company that represents the best in American ingenuity" at charging extortionate fees for ordinary products  (ballparkdigest.com)	(5)
(BattleSwarm)		"Thomas Kinkade was hated because he was liked by the wrong kinds of people: the loathsome Lumpenproletariat of flyover country, the people who had the bad taste to believe in God and vote Republican"  (battleswarmblog.com)	(284)
		Polish car production falls on euro zone worries, shortage of claw hammers  (reuters.com)	(12)
		Obama comes out against Minnesota Republicans' drive to pass a gay marriage ban, even though it's already illegal, but this woman's protest sign sums the issue up better than Obama ever could  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(182)
		CIO for company that specializes in giving drunk drivers a ride home gets arrested for...wait for it...yeah, you guessed it. Sports tag because he's a former All-Pro NFL fullback who's probably played for your team  (espn.go.com)	(18)
		Facebook pays $1 billion for a company that produces a free app that can make pictures from your $500 phone look like they were taken with a $10 camera  (cbsnews.com)	(56)

		"I wont get caught im a hacker I covered my tracks." Should have used an 8th proxy  (cnn.com)	(148)
		British sperm bank founder guarantees his customers "above average" donors, then uses his own sperm; fathering over 600 children in the process  (abcnews.go.com)	(96)
		Today's Prostitution mug shot round up brought to you by Sarasota. With usual gamut of you'd hit its, maybes, and eye bleachers  (wtsp.com)	(138)
		Iranian nuclear authorities suggest compromise, offer to stop enriching uranium if the west stops offering to bomb them  (seattlepi.com)	(128)
		Your mama's so fat, her kids will grow up to be computer programmers  (vitals.msnbc.msn.com)	(28)
		Why this country is doomed: People are flocking to the Thomas Kinkade "gallery" at their local malls and buying out their mechanically reproduced prints, convinced they will soar in value now that the "artist" has died  (news.yahoo.com)	(321)
		Woman falls down mountain, uses telepathy to contact husband. Proof: Hot goes with crazy 100% of the time (with pic)  (ktla.com)	(75)
		Touchscreen pay phones are coming to NYC, which still doesn't solve the problem of having to actually touch them  (gothamist.com)	(18)
(MyNorthwest.com)		When you're running away from the police, it's probably not a good idea to update your Facebook page  (mynorthwest.com)	(17)
		Pro-tip: Before assaulting someone check to see they don't have a video camera attached to their head. Also, for Fark's sake don't dress like that, ever  (stuff.co.nz)	(107)
		Jim McMahon the target of a Federal probe for his role in the downfall of Broadway Bank, the entire 1985 NFC  (suntimes.com)	(24)
		Santa Catalina islanders grumbling that the only gas station on the island charges $7 a gallon for gas. It's almost like it's a monopoly profiting off of stupid people  (nbclosangeles.com)	(94)
(Some Guy)		Browns fans all atwitter over Trent Richardson Tweeting that he wants to play in Cleveland. There's only one problem. "It's not real. Trent doesn't have a Twitter and isn't planning on getting one"  (mediadailyla.com)	(71)
(Some Guy)		You'd think UFOs would have improved WAY past the flying saucer shape by now, what with modern technology and all. You'd be wrong  (news.gather.com)	(93)

(Some Guy)		Apple to build largest private fuel cell energy project, a nonpolluting, silent power plant that will generate electricity from hydrogen. The hydrogen, of course, will magically appear out of nowhere  (phys.org)	(96)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this prolific inventor  (earth-condominium.org)	(28)
		It's Easter, so here's some Christian Metal for your SMHC: Prog-Trash band Believer rocks your blessed socks off with "Sanity Obscure"  (youtube.com)	(58)
		The Pittsburgh Pirates are at .500 for probably the last time this season  (mlb.mlb.com)	(33)
(Springfield Republican)		Two candidates in Massachusetts have solved the super PAC problem  (masslive.com)	(87)
		Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-eally bad grammar), via Twitter: "Constituents askd why i am not outraged at PresO attack on supreme court independence. Bcause Am ppl r not stupid as this x prof of con law"  (firstread.msnbc.msn.com)	(284)
		Protester jumps into Thames river, halts historic rowing race. Competitors experience shock and oar  (dailymail.co.uk)	(25)
(Japan Probe)		Problem: Japanese farms being attacked by crows. Solution: Hire a schoolgirl and her pet falcon to deal with the crows  (japanprobe.com)	(91)
(Some Guy)		Ten gorgeous vixens pose for foxy photo spread in the great outdoors (probably safe for work)  (blog.nwf.org)	(56)

(Woonsocket Call)		Federal prosecutor says he would overlook a cancer patient with a joint, but a 96,000 plant medical marijuana grow operation is going to get busted  (woonsocketcall.com)	(48)
		Soylent Green is high in protein  (voices.yahoo.com)	(15)
		Feds investigate possible 'Hate Crime' killings in Oklahoma. All five victims are black, and black community leaders met in an effort to calm unrest and promote safety  (foxnews.com)	(210)
		Dual no-hitter/perfect game in progress through five innings between Indians and Blue Jays  (scores.espn.go.com)	(187)
		Judge rules that McDonald's can use toys to promote Happy Meals, since playing with those toys is the only exercise most kids will get all day  (bottomline.msnbc.msn.com)	(21)
(Some Guy)		Your claim of self defense probably went out the window the minute you started eating her  (boston.cbslocal.com)	(69)
		Photoshop this proud paddler   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com)	(19)
(Haaaaans)		Bruce Willis wants to share his Idaho ski hill with everyone by donating it to a non-profit. "Come out to the slopes, we'll get together, have a few laughs"  (outsideonline.com)	(28)

		Tennessee governor says all the attention on the asinine legislation his state has been proposing -- everything from not allowing teachers to mention homosexuality to banning lowrider pants -- is obviously the fault of the media  (wrcbtv.com)	(86)
		White Sox sign Kip, Kip promptly reminds us don't be jealous that he's been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that he's training to be a cage fighter  (chicagotribune.com)	(5)
		Friday Photo Fun from the guys at TSG. Match the criminal with the crime. Sadly, contestant number 4 is probably the no brainer of the lot. Contest ends at 6pm Eastern  (thesmokinggun.com)	(13)
		Guns are selling so fast that Ruger can't produce them fast enough to keep up with demand. Analysts unclear if sales are being fueled by a fear of Obama's second term or the Zombie apocalypse  (news.yahoo.com)	(257)
		Fired executive with bi-polar disorder wins protection under the ADA, says he's really excited to have set the precedent, plans on starting a national organization for fellow suffers,or not, because that's just too hard  (abcnews.go.com)	(73)
		Marion Barry apologizes for complaining about Asian-owned 'dirty' shops and says -- to prove he's not a hater -- he's going to have lunch in Chinatown after he visits his dentist at 2:30  (myfoxdc.com)	(134)
		Pro Golf 2012: Rise of the Pornstache  (nytimes.com)	(11)
(RI Tag)		From the state that brought us "The Prayer Banner" comes "this mural is totally inappropriate because the man and woman standing together 'may not represent the live experience of all students'"  (www2.turnto10.com)	(106)
		Astronauts from International Space Station take one millionth photo, promising to be different from the previous 999,999 views of earth  (foxnews.com)	(13)
		Scientists prove that Jenny McCarthy's children are mutants  (mobile.nytimes.com)	(168)
		Guard donkey protects sheep from predators, delivers a mean punch  (courant.com)	(20)
(Some Guy)		Product recall issued on grounds that "it slices, it dices, it lacerates, it amputates" should apply to food processors and melee weapons, not child carrier seats for bicycles  (hawaii247.com)	(27)
		UN Chief: situation in Syria getting worse. WHAT? Next you'll be trying to tell us there's a corruption problem in Africa, or like Switzerland is the most boring country in the world. Crazy talk  (cbsnews.com)	(29)
(Some Guy)		Not news: Profits of well-known phone manufacturer with three-letter name continue to nosedive. Fark: For once, it's not RIM  (electronista.com)	(32)
(Some Guy)		No matter how good it feels, honking your horn all the time is probably making the traffic worse  (asiaone.com)	(83)
		Hot anthropology professor Kat Denning looks at aliens from perspective of scientists, engineers, Trekkers, other nerds. Yes, Stephen Hawking's "Columbus vs. Native Americans" analogy is mentioned, but inexplicably shot down  (wired.com)	(113)
		Silicon Valley to get its own reality TV show. Network execs promise the intrigue of writing source code during the day and the excitement of playing video games at night  (mercurynews.com)	(18)
		Republican lawmakers receive a knitted uterus in the mail as a form of protest---sort of an "If I give you one, will you stay out of mine?" gesture  (news.yahoo.com)	(67)

		$200 DIY house would provide a perfect minimalist existence on any $200,000+ parcel of land you might be lucky enough to find  (dailymail.co.uk)	(153)
		John Calipari says he is not interested in coaching another professional basketball team  (tracking.si.com)	(27)
(NBC)		Were it not for a transvestite prostitute named Lucille the world might never have experienced baseball 'walk-up' songs  (nbcnewyork.com)	(35)
		Protip: If you are going to spend £10billion on refuelling planes make sure they will work on your fighter jets  (dailymail.co.uk)	(175)
(Minding The Campus)		You know those Ivy League schools that produce the most prominent lawyers, politicians and judges in the country? Turns out their student governments are run like police states and their student tribunals like kangaroo courts  (mindingthecampus.com)	(76)
		Check out these MLB promotion nights, from Mullet Night and Fireworks to Miller Lite Beerpen Giveaway  (espn.go.com)	(17)
(Some Guy)		Detroit Robocop statue currently in prototype phase; total economic collapse and dystopian wasteland phase already complete  (detroitnews.com)	(52)
		Pictures from the Gemini space program in the 1960s  (theatlantic.com)	(46)
		Proof that even a major metropolitan newspaper can troll: Cubs' "Opening day for optimism and overcoming obstacles"  (chicagotribune.com)	(8)

		Doctor claims the promoted practice of men regularly checking for signs of testicular cancer has turned Britain's men into 'ball-watching neurotics.' Aw, nuts  (metro.co.uk)	(68)
		Protip: If you ever plan on giving the police a false identity, don't tattoo your real name on your forearm  (hosted.ap.org)	(45)
		This headline featuring "Jennifer Aniston" and "oral" really didn't deliver what it promised  (vanityfair.com)	(30)
		Art's great nudes aren't fat anymore. Not Safe For Work if your office has a problem with famous paintings of nude fatties (turned hotties), or nudes in side ads in other articles about nudes and art. Nudes  (guardian.co.uk)	(159)
		Hilda the hen sits on the wrong nest for almost a month and hatches a clutch of ducklings. Undeterred by her error Hilda proudly struts around showing off her babies  (dailymail.co.uk)	(56)
		Spain's economy craters after enacting most severe austerity in three decades. Clearly, more budget cuts will solve their problems  (guardian.co.uk)	(207)
		Is 'the Machete order' the best way to watch the Star Wars movies? And do you think George would approve?  (denofgeek.com)	(124)
(Fox Sports)		Milwaukee Brewers release ad featuring "pitching prospect" Aaron Rodgers. Needs some work on his delivery  (foxsportswisconsin.com)	(42)
		Why we are failing as a species: Levi Johnston has successfully propagated his genes again with another woman. Meanwhile, there are guys at MIT perfecting The Grand Unified Field Theory who can't even get a date with a human female  (tmz.com)	(155)
		"Justified" executive producer Graham Yost teases the upcoming season finale. That's better than teasing an angry Raylan Givens, I suppose (spoilers)  (insidetv.ew.com)	(86)
		President Obama instructs the press how to properly cover his policies. Because they were so biased before, you know  (realclearpolitics.com)	(204)
		Federal Appeals Court orders the Obama Administration to have the Constitutional Law Professor President give the judges a teaching moment to explain why 200+ years of precedent is wrong  (cbsnews.com)	(425)
		When beating ex-girlfriend into signing document to cancel stalking order against you, probably not good idea to submit those papers to court covered with her blood  (sltrib.com)	(70)
		Investors totally bummed on hearing the Federal Reserve has cut off their allowance. Now they might actually have to hire people and produce things. The horror  (cnbc.com)	(20)
		Protip: If you're a police sergeant you probably shouldn't try to set up a meeting with a prostitute in a neighboring city without first checking to see if that city's police are running an escort sting operation  (wtkr.com)	(43)
		You would think white wine coolers would be appropriate for a 7-year-old. The Sun is there  (thesun.co.uk)	(41)

		Woman calls 911 to procure a refund for a "nasty" Hardee's burger that she "only took a small bite out of"  (thesmokinggun.com)	(101)
		Let's destroy Mercury to build a Dyson Sphere to solve all our energy problems. Step 1: Generate 100 billion times the amount of energy the US consumes in a year  (forbes.com)	(86)
		GOP leaders rush to defend the "smear campaign" against pink slime because the stuff is completely safe and healthy, certainly not because of that $800K in donations they received from Beef Products, Inc  (nydailynews.com)	(265)
		Photos of Rick Santorum campaigning in Wisconsin prove that when it comes to beer, he only likes it one way: Frothy and brown  (buzzfeed.com)	(100)
		Medical radiographer suspended from her profession after drinking a quart of boxed wine at work. No, I don't know her Fark handle  (couriermail.com.au)	(38)
		Pastebin attempting to delete all files which provide it with a reason to exist in the first place  (theregister.co.uk)	(16)
		NBC launches internal investigation into their editing of George Zimmerman's call to 911. Zimmerman's attorneys look into editing NBC's profit  (huffingtonpost.com)	(454)
		Scary new study shows that the obesity problem may be even worse than we thought. So the answer is obvious: we need to change the BMI ratings  (cnn.com)	(167)
		"We're approaching peak vagina on television". I really need to re-evaluate my cable channel packaging  (huffingtonpost.com)	(66)
		The first prosecutor in the Trayvon Martin case is a little upset at the "outright lies" being told in the media. Subby just wants to know brand of tennis shoe Trayvon had, the type of cell phone used, type of grass seed in the lawn  (clickorlando.com)	(96)
		Molson Coors buys Czech brewer StarBev, still trying to produce something almost, but not quite, entirely unlike beer  (chicagotribune.com)	(13)
		MIT researcher provides yet another example of why Intelligence and Wisdom are two separate dice rolls  (dailymail.co.uk)	(278)

		AFA Foods, known better as the company that produces the perfectly tasty but unfortunately dubbed pink slime is filing Chapter 11 because some asshole TV chef started a completely fabricated frenzy. Thousands will be jobless as a result  (chicagotribune.com)	(524)
		A relatively unproven Patriots backup QB is probably just what this down-and-out AFC team needs. Wait, where have I heard this before?  (bleacherreport.com)	(20)
(Wash Monthly)		WSJ columnist says the problem is not an increase in bullying, but an increase in pansies  (washingtonmonthly.com)	(212)
		Man who had his pet cats confiscated by the state due to improper care would like them back. All 700 of them  (palmbeachpost.com)	(40)
		Not news: airlines' treatment of passengers slow. Fark: ...ly Improves  (abcnews.go.com)	(29)
		While Apple's busy suing other tablet makers over their products' similarities to the iPad, enjoy these images of classic Braun industrial designs. That portable music listening device looks oddly familiar  (gizmodo.com)	(33)
		You know you're in Florida when a possible burglary in progress turns into a "bare-breasted brouhaha" and concludes with a poetry reading  (wptv.com)	(35)
		Now that Amazon is able provide customers with cheap and plentiful purple Flavor-Aid, Cool Ranch Doritos and adult diapers, Walmart is taking a closer look at this whole "internet" fad  (finance.yahoo.com)	(115)
		Gary Busey plays a pro-wrestling vampire who raps about eating spider webs...so it's autobiographical?   (filmdrunk.uproxx.com)	(31)
		Goldman Sachs concedes there are some profitable ventures they're not comfortable with, like online sex trafficking  (dailymail.co.uk)	(15)
		Eating burned food is dangerous to your health. More proof that your dad, mother-in-law, and college roommate were always trying to kill you  (mnn.com)	(94)

		And the award for Most Inappropriate Parking Space goes to...School-bus in front of Porn Store, let's have a round of applause  (jalopnik.com)	(84)
(Some Guy)		Apparently, SC state troopers get pretty grumpy and vengeful when you try to protest the traffic tickets they give you  (wsoctv.com)	(150)
		72 years of confidentiality expires; 1940 census records released, including for 21 million still alive. Top that, Visa and Mastercard, with your relatively small security breaches and data compromises  (abcnews.go.com)	(117)
		In the U.S., political foes pretend they're tough. In Canada, they get into the ring and prove it  (news.nationalpost.com)	(53)
		The unseasonably warm weather has one small Iowa town fearing its annual Tulip Festival may get canceled because of premature blooming. But they have a solution: spray the plants with whiskey to delay the process  (desmoinesregister.com)	(31)
		The level of excitement goes up and down in Minnesota Crossword Tournament. How to recognize the pros? They use ink  (upi.com)	(9)
		If you are one of the dozens of people who eat chicken apple sausage, you may want to look at the label, as a company is recalling 26,000 pounds of the disgusting product  (wxyz.com)	(43)
		Tracking for cops is big business for cellphone companies. A menu of "surveillance fees" is marketed to cops that determine a suspect's location, trace phone calls and texts and provide other classified services  (nytimes.com)	(63)
		50 Coolest Movie Soundtracks doesn't include Grosse Pointe Blank. Not an April Fool. Subby's doing a dirty protest  (shortlist.com)	(152)
		55% of employees surveyed say they are more productive when they work at home. 75% of bosses say "bullshiat"  (mnn.com)	(131)
(The American Interest)		Rock is slammed as one of "the symptoms of cultural decline that have proliferated during the past half century in American society." No, not that rock  (the-american-interest.com)	(62)

		Proof that the universe hates you: Survive going over Niagara Falls in a barrel, but die due to injuries sustained by slipping on an orange peel  (ramblingbeachcat.com)	(31)
		Prosthetic limbs have come a long way, now you can have one with an axe and heater built into it  (google.com)	(36)
		G-spot high school produces a sexually deviant 16yr old  (huffingtonpost.com)	(112)
		The best proof that there is a God -- the NYC pizza price war  (nytimes.com)	(78)
		Massachusetts governor says he isn't proposing to end tax breaks, but if he did it would fix the state's failing finances. But he's not. But it would  (wickedlocal.com)	(73)
		So, do you take your drink shaken like a proper gentleman, or stirred, like a prissy little girl?  (gizmodo.com)	(87)
		Fun Fact for Losers: The mega trash generated by 640 million shredded losing lottery tickets would provide sufficient confetti for a grand parade stretching from here to the moon and back  (bittenandbound.com)	(37)
(Great Falls Tribune)		Ryan Leaf proves once again why he's the greatest of all time...if by "greatest" you mean "greatest bust in NFL draft history." With new mugshot  (greatfallstribune.com)	(78)
		Photoshop Theme: How to make newspapers more profitable  (fark.com)	(25)
		Is it possible to make moonshine at home? Here's the proof  (buzzfeed.com)	(81)
		Spaceman candidate allowed to call himself 'astronaut' on ballot. Other candidates protest, fearing they will be required to list their occupations  (space.com)	(80)
(busselton mail.com)		Against all odds, Squid the cat turns 97 (cat) years old. This article seemed appropriate as we celebrate another birthday this weekend - Caturday's one and only Alien  (busseltonmail.com.au)	(752)
(Some Guy)		Games Workshop cancels the Warhammer 40k MMO and decides that it will no longer support Warhammer tournaments, the main way it promotes its overpriced products  (theback40k.blogspot.com.au)	(88)

		Why fantasy movies always lean toward British accents for characters, instead of thick Boston or Deep Southern dialects: 'A British accent provides a "splash of otherness"'  (bbc.co.uk)	(110)
		Usually, it's a tragedy when an actor and director fight and jeopardize the production of a film. But in this case, it's Human Centipede 3 and it's just wonderful news  (deadline.com)	(76)
		Feminist writer calls for boycott of Katy Perry because: A) She can't sing. B) She dresses slutty. C) Her latest video is 'propaganda for the Marines'  (dailymail.co.uk)	(113)
(Some Guy)		Robert A Heinlein would be so proud: Company developing "evacuated tube technology", a frictionless, mag-lev rail system that will carry passengers all over the world in capsules travelling 4,000 mph  (gizmag.com)	(124)
		3 former Marines work with craft brewer to create special tribute brew for Marines killed in chopper crash. Proceeds will help build scholarship fund for the families of the deceased. Brew is named 'Homage'  (wtkr.com)	(63)
		No wonder Bigfoot has never been fully proven. You have to fill out the proper permits in triplicate to hunt him  (foxnews.com)	(34)
		Tampa mayor proposes new rule that protesters are free to congregate outside the Republican National Convention, but only for sixty minutes, because it's going to be summertime and the police will have to wear all that hot riot gear  (tampabay.com)	(222)
		New Mexico's international spaceport gets approval for a $7-million extension of its runway. Just in case a Star Destroyer needs to land  (azcentral.com)	(24)
(Some MajorGeek)		Visa and MasterCard are warning of what they call a "massive breach" that could involve as many as 10 million compromised credit card numbers  (majorgeeks.com)	(115)

		Utah has nation's highest autism rate. Their parents probably did too much LDS when they were young  (sltrib.com)	(82)
(Some Guy)		Genetically modified cows could fart less; process may someday be applicable for husbands  (tvnz.co.nz)	(21)
		That whole "ads on NBA jerseys" thing is probably going to happen. This article brought to you by Carl's Jr: Fark you, I'm eating  (withleather.uproxx.com)	(61)
		Some soccer players fall like they've been shot after a minor trip. Others take the red-card-and-assault-charge approach. With video  (sports.yahoo.com)	(37)
		In Merrillville, Indiana, one city councilman is set to take on the town's horrible crack problem  (indystar.com)	(29)
		The ten best pro and con Obamacare health care quotes. "If ObamaCare had been fully implemented when I caught cancer, I'd be dead"  (politico.com)	(262)
		In the Spirit of Radio, Rush's 2112 advertisers flock back after the failed boycotts, proving Rush is not a Fly By Night broadcaster and won't Exit... Stage Left. Suck it, libs  (washingtonpost.com)	(310)
		Smoking hot 25-year-old Baptist school teacher arrested for sex with student, prays she gets probation (w/mugshot)  (dailymail.co.uk)	(172)
		TV producer notices something important missing from the endless parade of reality shows: Beer  (kansascity.com)	(47)

		Foot bones from possibly novel, upright hominid species found in Ethiopia, prompting Creation Museum to add a new monkey stall to the Ark exhibit  (bbc.co.uk)	(27)
		Atheist orders custom Capitol One card with a red "A" on it. It's rejected, since they don't allow "religious imagery." Except, of course, for any of the pre-approved Jesus images available in their online gallery  (consumerist.com)	(283)
		Justice Scalia takes the Herman Cain approach to law, deciding the SCOTUS can't be bothered to know what's in the Obamacare bill because it's too long  (thinkprogress.org)	(203)
		Crucifix on your condo door? No problem. A mezuzah? That'll be $50 per day, thank you very much  (courant.com)	(253)
		Caption this produce player  (cdn.theatlantic.com)	(25)
		Not news: Woman gets revenge on school bullies. Fark: By becoming a smoking hot Victoria's Secret model (probably not safe for work)  (dailymail.co.uk)	(124)

		Those mock drunk driving accidents staged at high schools during prom season are powerful in their own right. Adding real human blood isn't necessary  (statesman.com)	(66)
		Drivers are starting to pull over before using their cell phones. Naturally, some people have a problem with this  (nytimes.com)	(228)
(Some Blog)		School bans high school student from wearing a kilt to prom stating that men should dress like men. You know, unlike that sissy Sean Connery   (markisutherland.wordpress.com)	(327)
		First probe since the 70s to reveal secrets of Mercury. Uranus still unremarkable though  (washingtonpost.com)	(29)
		Friend of Zimmerman defends his use of the slur "coon asses" stating that the phrase is used proudly in parts of the country by people to describe themselves  (thinkprogress.org)	(1266)
		Remember what your house was worth just after the dot com bubble burst, 9/11? It's probably worth about the same now  (money.cnn.com)	(51)
		New law prohibits Pennsylvania doctors from telling patients what in fracking fluid is causing their cancer  (theatlantic.com)	(221)
		Smokers could be more prone to schizophrenia. Millennium hand and shrimp. There is a duck on my head. Your argument is invalid  (sciencedaily.com)	(50)
(Some Guy)		Two million "protesters" set to march on Jerusalem on Friday. The last time the protesters tried to March on Jerusalem was in 1967 and it lasted six whole days  (timesofisrael.com)	(167)
		Happy Birthday, Quentin Tarantino. Let's celebrate with the lap dance scene from "Death Proof"  (youtube.com)	(70)
		Protip: Before you put a bobcat into your car, make sure you have a plan to get it out. Big brass ones award goes to the guy who drew the short straw and used a taser  (burlingtonfreepress.com)	(54)
		WebProNews credits FARK as the source for the 130 episodes of the Simpsons simultaneously video  (webpronews.com)	(0)
		Commemorative mugs urge Kate Middleton to "produce children" with Prince Harry  (stylist.co.uk)	(61)
		Derick A. Thoene, 28, walked into Iowa City hall at 11:37 a.m. Thoene allegedly approached the lobby receptionist and said, 'I have your parking attendant in the trunk of my car, do you want him dead or alive?'  (press-citizen.com)	(42)
		Men have to prove they're gay to avoid the Turkish army. Suggestion 1: Enlist in the Greek army  (bbc.co.uk)	(91)

		Ontario's Court of Appeal rules that it is unconstitutional for Canada to criminalize pimping and brothels, so long as their services are provided in both English and French  (cbc.ca)	(95)
		When the author of the law that you are using to claim self defense says that your victim would have been justified in using said law, you might have a problem  (npr.org)	(613)
		Dominique Strauss-Kahn charged with "aggravated pimping." French prosecutors also consider charges of being "straight-up dope, yo"  (cnn.com)	(92)
		Gizmodo gives FARK a tip of the tail for its giant Gambian pouch rat story. Willard secretly approves  (gizmodo.com)	(1)
		How Apple products are changing kids' brains (besides making them agreeable to restrictive software development)  (money.msn.com)	(42)
		Texas town bans illegal immigrants from renting property within city limits, costing them $5 million in court costs  (latino.foxnews.com)	(312)
		Cowboys and 'Skins file grievance for cap hit; having two of the most incompetent owners in the history of pro sports  (espn.go.com)	(189)
		Noah apologizes for throwing ball at ref after deluge of fouls, promises it will never happen again  (espn.go.com)	(13)
		Kris Jenner says Kim Kardashian acted professionally and with poise after flour attack. First time ever that "Kim Kardashian" and "acted professionally" used in the same sentence  (upi.com)	(31)
		Young white male hipsters in Brooklyn claim NYPD uses racial profiling against them when determining who to stop and frisk. "I had a bright pink shirt on that day. I was an easy target"  (nydailynews.com)	(73)
		Italian Olympic volleyballer, Vigor Bovolenta, dies after suffering heart attack on court during match in Italy's second tier professional volleyball league  (huffingtonpost.com)	(22)

		After determining that tomatoes aren't fruits, and professional baseball isn't a business, US Supreme Court to decide whether a houseboat is a house or a boat  (washingtonpost.com)	(60)
(Some Shagger)		38 yr old woman gets 10 years for shagging 17 yr old student. Just kidding, she got probation  (hattiesburgamerican.com)	(128)
		The average time spent during a visit to an adult site has grown 26% since 2008, to eight minutes and 35 seconds. Congratulations, if you had a partner they'd be proud you're lasting longer  (theatlanticwire.com)	(77)
		Because the SAT is so archaic, a 35-year-old man taking it would be quite _______: a) pabulum b) poignant c) comical d) prosaic e) ethereal  (deadspin.com)	(68)
		Blind dog living in trash pile gets rescued, has sight restored, stirring up enormous dust pile in the process  (youtube.com)	(247)
		It's official: The Hunger Games has beaten Twilight at the box office and proven itself to be the better franchise in many ways. TEAM NO SPARKLY VAMPIRES  (deadline.com)	(158)
(Albany Times Union)		2200 students, no athletic scholarships, no problem - Union College is in the Frozen Four  (timesunion.com)	(35)
		Jersey Shore producers finally tell Snooki her 15 minutes have expired  (dailymail.co.uk)	(66)
		Lewis Hamilton is on pole for the Formula 1 Malaysian Grand Prix, proving that the new McLaren can handle itself on video game style Tilkedromes as well as it can on real race tracks. Can Schumacher play spoiler? Live at 3:30 AM ET  (foxnews.com)	(194)

(Some Guy)		Over 90 property owners on the North Carolina/South Carolina border involuntarily moved to another state  (myrtlebeachonline.com)	(80)
		Here's a handy map of all the counties in America where alcohol is restricted or prohibited. Coincidentally, here's also a handy map of all the counties in America subby intends to stay the hell out of  (io9.com)	(169)
		Katy Perry films "Part Of Me" video at Camp Pendleton, depicting her as a Marine. "Millions of people who probably have no exposure to the Marine Corps got a chance to see our female Marines and what they do"  (utsandiego.com)	(108)
		Haven't changed the way you drive in years? Then you're probably driving all wrong  (bottomline.msnbc.msn.com)	(101)
		MLB team in a small market set to welcome 3 million fans for the season. Ownership to pay for talent. In other news this is happening in Milwaukee. FARK: Team owner will profit. SuperFark: It might work  (jsonline.com)	(51)
(Some Guy)		A road opening in 1949 was not registered properly at the city's courthouse. Do you: c) claim ownership and put up barricades? "I'll tell you what--if they want it back, they know where the court house is"  (kwch.com)	(106)
(Some Guy)		Upset over photos leaked from the set, J.J. Abrams builds the "Great Wall of Trek" (w/ pic). Giant space amoeba approves  (sciencefiction.com)	(55)
(Some Guy)		Former NYC traffic commissioner has a BRILLIANT new plan to put tolls on East River bridges that includes a first-ever toll for bicyclists. Probably one of the reasons he's a 'former' traffic commissioner  (newyork.cbslocal.com)	(64)

		Protip: When you're out stealing 700 pounds of scrap metal, don't butt-dial 911  (courant.com)	(17)
		Friday night NCAA basketball discussion thread -- the when the hell did Baylor get a contending athletic program edition  (fark.com)	(314)
		When your firing is protested by Planned Parenthood and Texans For Life, you know you may have done something right  (rawstory.com)	(105)
		19-year old entrepreneur has developed a thriving business selling a product that retails for hundreds of dollars and ounce, but unlike most people who fit this description, he has no fear of the DEA kicking in his front door  (news.yahoo.com)	(117)
		In a stunning revelation, Bank of America realizes that turning underwater mortgages into rental properties might just save everyone a lot of money and time  (cnbc.com)	(55)
		Things you don't want to hear someone yelling during prostate surgery: "I've lost R2"  (bbc.co.uk)	(97)
		One of the last holdouts of the dead-tree left-wing mainstream MSM media ceases print production in Philadelphia and DC, obviously because they've refused to investigate the horrific crimes of the Obama administration  (breitbart.com)	(130)
		Soon Google will be tailoring advertisements to the background noise on your cell phone calls. This could prove to be interesting during those trips to the strip club  (dailymail.co.uk)	(22)
(Some Guy)		The Hangover Part III will be the merciful end of the series, until the producers realize they can make more money should they make a fourth movie  (vulture.com)	(69)
		New Jersey middle school bans hugging. Fingerbanging not specifically prohibited  (foxnews.com)	(90)
		Just because you say your beer is approved by NASA doesn't mean the National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol are rocket scientists  (stuff.co.nz)	(11)
		Windows Mustang has encountered a fatal error and must now terminate the process... right into that brick wall  (jalopnik.com)	(42)
(Some Guy)		Protip for the disabled - Do not leave your wheelchair unattended. Society HAS crumbled and your wheelchair WILL be stolen  (bangordailynews.com)	(47)

(Some Guy)		Think a pack of Skittles looks like a gun? If you're holding a gun, probably  (newsinfo.nd.edu)	(1323)
		Reason #4080 why Congress gets nothing done: Senator promises filibuster over US Post Office changes while Maryland and Delaware fight over which side of the state line their west bumfark post office will be  (baltimoresun.com)	(44)
(Some Guy)		A wallet: it's like protection for your butt  (fox40.com)	(31)
		Well, at least Rex Ryan will probably have a couple weeks grace period before somebody 'Tebows' him...oh...nevermind (w/ video)  (myfoxdc.com)	(36)
(Some Betty Spaghetty)		Romney proves his business acumen yet again as the stock price for the maker of the Etch-a-Sketch jumps 212.5%  (quote.morningstar.com)	(14)
		Brietbart forced to take down their "gotcha" interview of Bono confessing to tax evasion when they realize the person they have on tape is in fact a professional Bono impersonator  (washingtonpost.com)	(86)
		The GOP promises to investigate the scandal behind Solyndra and won't stop until they have answers for the ripped-off American people. Or until election day. Whichever comes first  (huffingtonpost.com)	(43)
		Safeway will no longer sell "pink slime" beef products. Gray holographic shimmering pork still available  (big1059.com)	(90)
		We are just a few more steps away from developing the most profitable drug in the history of, well, history  (cbsnews.com)	(89)
		Why do we waste money on the space program? This  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(94)
		First pics from the set of the US Sherlock. When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be... Dear God Watson, you're a woman  (shortlist.com)	(68)
		These profits deliver  (marketwatch.com)	(2)
		School to porn-star-dating kid: No prom for you, can't haz  (startribune.com)	(762)
(National Confidential)		Professional troll/Romney backer Ann Coulter suggests that now's the time to go after Obama's children  (nationalconfidential.com)	(210)
		Ben Bernanke says the gold standard would not solve U.S economic problems. Finding a gold mine with $15 trillion in bullion, however, will  (reuters.com)	(49)
		Paris Hilton's poolside Miami appearance reminds onlookers that they've probably got some ironing to do  (dailymail.co.uk)	(95)
(NBC DFW)		When posting an invitation about your "Crazy Project X Type Party", please remember that the police read Craigslist, too, kiddies  (nbcdfw.com)	(46)
(Some Guy)		This Farker's husband's plan to hike the Appalachian Trail with an inoperable brain tumor. LGT his project/blog  (kickstarter.com)	(234)
		Parents leave their 9-year-old daughter and the-12-year-old son alone to fend for themselves while they go to Vegas. Thankfully the police have a problem with this  (dailymail.co.uk)	(125)

		Have a son or else you will probably get divorced: 7 ways to save your marriage  (mentalfloss.com)	(43)
		That former Florida quarterback with the spotty pro record is without a team at the moment. No, not that one  (jacksonville.com)	(33)
		WI Justice David "The Strangler" Prosser tries to derail the ethics case against him by demanding all the witness recuse themselves. Stalin approves  (thinkprogress.org)	(108)
		Philadelphia Eagles trade for Pro Bowl linebacker with a used toothbrush and a sack of magic beans  (philly.com)	(56)
		"The Hunger Games" producers realize that nothing sells $10 movie tickets better than putting your new hot 21-year old star's assets on display  (dailymail.co.uk)	(195)
		Son of former House of Representatives gets 14 year old drunk, rapes her, has a friend video tape the event, drops her off in the lawn, and walks away with a midemeanor charge two months later. For some reason people have a problem with this  (dailykos.com)	(183)
		Montana mining town's last Madam dies at 94. She had a reputation for kindness toward her girls, but the grandmotherly figure was also a husband-shooting, tax-evading madam who once said that prostitution should be considered a commodity  (hosted.ap.org)	(60)
		Lonely kid uses Twitter to invite a porn star to the prom. She says yes. It's a little dusty in here. Damn onions  (now.msn.com)	(117)

		Is anesthesia a luxury when a 5-foot snake and Taco Bell proportions of gas are shoved up your ass?  (npr.org)	(138)
		Thanks to couple's 30 year project, you can now pay to see free genealogical records from Massachusetts  (boston.com)	(42)
		U.S. dumps toxic mortgages it bought back when we were trying to avoid a recession. Your grandchildren will have to pay off the ... uh... $25,000,000,000 profit the Treasury just landed on that deal. Wait, win?  (nytimes.com)	(127)
(Montreal Gazette)		Ex-singer of meandering, pompous, sterile-sounding prog rock band Emerson, Lake & Palmer claims punk rock was just a "fashion movement" with "No real music there"  (montrealgazette.com)	(263)
		Republicans have released their budget proposal. I'm not saying it's tax cuts... but it's tax cuts  (huffingtonpost.com)	(287)
		Protesters protest proposal to prohibit peaceful protests  (wsbtv.com)	(72)
		In a video that could prove devastating to his campaign, it's revealed that Santorum like to pull it hard and to the left  (grantland.com)	(43)
		Proud father and 'Doctor Who' fan shows off his two-year-old daughter dressed up in miniature versions of each of the eleven Doctor's outfits  (digitalspy.com)	(54)
		Millennials are taking on massive debt loads, according to prominent bank. EVERYBODY PNC  (chicagotribune.com)	(62)
		"When Iron Man isn't fighting for justice, he's actually a property manager in Clearwater"  (wtsp.com)	(21)
		Science Channel joins SyFy, A&E, History and TLC in "name does not describe our programming" game, airs conclusion of two-part series on how man would react to alien encounters. Bravo  (nypost.com)	(87)
		Italian-Thai to issue 1.68 billion new shares, promote mouthwatering fusion cuisine  (reuters.com)	(3)
		Door-to-door magazine salesweasels now offering advance copies of "Knife'n'Face", "You Gonna Get a Beatdown" after being told no by prospective customers  (wfaa.com)	(72)

		Mitt Romney, who was once briefly a Democrat and who has espoused many pro-Democratic positions when running for state office: "I don't see how a young American can vote for a Democrat"  (rawstory.com)	(177)
(Some Guy)		Sen. Scott Brown on Santorum Secret Service: "It's the first time he's actually ever used protection"  (mega949.com)	(91)
(Some Guy)		Israel publicly: OMG Iran is DAYS away from having a nuclear bomb we have to strike NOW. Israel privately: Yeah, you're right, Iran probably hasn't even decided IF they're building a bomb yet  (nwherald.com)	(175)
(Some Guy)		Tracking badly behaving proteins may provide clues to treatments of brain diseases such as Alzheimer's, Huntington's and Alzheimer's  (medicalxpress.com)	(19)
		The value of Chicago's patent power is rapidly approaching jack shiat. Go fark yourselves, corruption central  (chicagotribune.com)	(20)
		Kate Middleton's first ever public speech - does it get the royal seal of approval?  (stylist.co.uk)	(45)
		Three new videos released for Prometheus, the movie Charlize Theron says is "the prequel to Thelma and Louise"  (gammasquad.uproxx.com)	(97)
		China, the country that leads the world in toxic production of foods and other items for export, gets a little huffy over a 60-minute shelf-life violation  (usatoday.com)	(11)
(Some Guy)		Mass Effect 3 apologizes to its Facebook friends that Mass Effect 3 posted something about how it's not going to change the ending, it probably just left the window open for its kids or cats or something  (gamepur.com)	(530)
		Protip: If you're a cop and you want to have sex in your squad car it's not a good idea to broadcast it live on your radio  (myfoxmemphis.com)	(42)
		Does the new iPad have a heat problem? Trevor McSmokingballs gives us some answers  (news.cnet.com)	(133)
		Old and busted: Rent-to-own furniture. New hotness: Rent-to-own tires. It probably won't be a Goodyear  (ajc.com)	(82)

		Subby is usually 100% against proposing to a Leafs fan but they're lesbians so he's cool with this (Video goodness)  (video.senators.nhl.com)	(88)
		When Alexandra Pelosi and Bill Maher call you out on your liberal bias, you may have a problem. Yes, we are looking at you HBO  (breitbart.com)	(341)
		Occupy protest anniversary ends with police sweep. Book-end  (abcnews.go.com)	(309)
		Swedish feminists protest 1) misogyny, 2) unequal pay, or C) shaved armpits  (thelocal.se)	(147)
		Any statisticians care to figure out the probability of this happening?  (stuff.co.nz)	(87)
		How to take flawless naked pics of somebody else's body, considering this is Fark. (Probably not the safest thing for work)  (gizmodo.com)	(61)

		Fourteen workers at a law firm were fired for wearing orange on Friday. "It was our happy hour shirt color, not a protest"  (sun-sentinel.com)	(200)
		Photoshop Theme : Protest signs for Farkers  (google.com)	(53)
		It's probably best not to criticize the president's record on promoting human rights in China when you have substantial holdings in a Chinese video surveillance company that helps their government constantly monitor its citizens  (news.yahoo.com)	(54)
(Some Guy)		Epic new trailer for Prometheus. No, that doesn't look like Alien at all  (filmschoolrejects.com)	(307)
		With 1 billion in the world hungry and 1 billion obese, what is the future of the world's resources? What can we produce which is both good for the soil and green? Hmm. Soil and green. Soil and green ... is people?  (metro.co.uk)	(87)
		10 psychological states you probably never heard of... and when you actually experienced them  (io9.com)	(25)

(Some Guy)		The Massachusetts school board votes to provide free condoms to 12-year-olds. The only problem is they have to get them from the school nurse ...*shudder*  (1035superx.com)	(203)
		The most evil regimes in fiction. Yes, the United Provinces from "Death Race 2000" are included  (ugo.com)	(69)
		Texas cuts off women's health program to spite its face. Sorry women in Texas, you can't have nice things  (huffingtonpost.com)	(223)
		Iowa governor Terry Branstad learns the hard way that closing unemployment offices and making it more difficult for the unemployed to find help is not only unconstitutional, it's probably a career killer too  (blogs.desmoinesregister.com)	(73)
		The problem with texting "I hid the body ... Now what?" to a random number is that the person might be a police detective  (daytondailynews.com)	(36)
		Mitt Romney assures Puerto Ricans that unlike Rick Santorum, he has no problem with them speaking whatever it is they speak  (talkingpointsmemo.com)	(86)
		Floridians afraid that Movies like "Project X" are making kids want to party, get drunk, do drugs, and break things. "They never would have came up with that idea themselves"  (sun-sentinel.com)	(65)
		What do you do if a cute topless sunbather approaches you on the beach. If you're the recently married Paul McCartney, you just let it be. (sfw)  (dailymail.co.uk)	(47)

		If the parents on trial for their kids' excessive tardiness had spent as much time back then getting their kids ready as they're spending on their defense now, they would never have had a problem  (washingtonpost.com)	(90)
		Slime molds will find the most efficient networking paths when planted on a map of the US, closely mimicking actual highway routes and proving that civil engineers think like single-celled organisms  (newscientist.com)	(29)
(Some Guy)		The highs, the lows, the lost productivity. It's your March Madness thread. Duke Sucks  (cbssports.com)	(759)
		Having solved all crime, corruption, and all other problems in Boston, police now cracking down on slam-dancing  (sfgate.com)	(96)
		After siring at least 161,888 offspring in his lifetime, the world's most productive dairy cattle dies at the age of 27. He's a lock to get into the NBA Hall of Fame  (couriermail.com.au)	(66)
(The Weather Channel)		I think this is proof that our national obsession with putting everything into a bracket and determining what's best has gone too far. The Weather Channel asks, "What's the best weather song of all time?"  (weather.com)	(108)

		Niles man started hospital fire, claim police. He was probably trying to iron his pants for the first time  (chicagotribune.com)	(35)
(ktvb.com)		Bomb scare in trailer park threatens to cause tens of dollars in improvements  (ktvb.com)	(24)
		Since VA lawmakers are keen about telling women how to handle their lady parts, women have flocked to Facebook to ask them for health advice and reproductive opinions  (dailykos.com)	(131)
(Some Guy)		Woman shocked to find out that there are actually chickens involved in the production of McNuggets  (abc57.com)	(206)
(RWW)		Family Research Council to hold discussion lamenting 40 year-old Supreme Court decision sanctioning "non-procreative sexual intimacy"  (rightwingwatch.org)	(224)
		In the most thrilling procedural action since Cosmic Wars, Harry Reid pushed 17 judges forward in showdown with GOP  (dailykos.com)	(88)
		Alabama woman that made her 9 year old granddaughter run until she died for eating a piece of chocolate has been charged with capital murder. Prosecutors will seek the death penalty  (cnn.com)	(436)
		Russian fox taming experiment, which has gone on for 54 years, may end due to lack of funding. Miniature giraffe breeding program is still going strong  (slate.com)	(51)
		Scientists: That thing you guys keep saying is a UFO harvesting energy from the Sun via a plasma tether? It's not a UFO, it's common and better known as a solar prominence. Also, take your damn meds  (space.com)	(27)
		Republicans: look at all those states with Republican governors that show great job growth. the economy is really improving. Same Republicans: look at this disaster of an economy and the terrible state we are in under Obama  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(164)

		College philosophy professor wants to launch Campaign for Renaming Academic Philosophy (CRAP)   (opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com)	(140)
		Stop me if you've heard this one before: Bi-partisan bill promising economic growth aims to roll back depression-era regulatory safeguards and disclosure requirements  (bloomberg.com)	(53)
(Some Guy)		AZ Senate committee approves bill allowing employers to dig through their employees' medical records and fire them for sluttiness. To protect religious freedom, of course  (statepress.com)	(522)
		One Farker's mashup of The Walking Dead and Office Space "has been deemed the preferred choice of the internet," according to Uproxx (not-safe-for-work)  (uproxx.com)	(5)
		Obama's approval rating falls as poll reflects volatility, density of American voters  (nytimes.com)	(39)
(Chronicle Herald)		Cops probe why subcompact drove over two cars. As for how, you can't explain that  (thechronicleherald.ca)	(25)
		Germany proposes tax on Fark and other news aggregators for linking to stories. Also considering tax on stock tips, fashion advice, and plans to sue Rwanda for patent infringement on death camps  (washingtontimes.com)	(57)
		Kim Kardashian rubs two brain cells together and seizures a response to Jon Hamm: "We're all working hard and we all have to respect one another." Prostitutes everywhere unite in solidarity  (thedailybeast.com)	(67)
(Daily Bulletin)		Hockey team holds "Reclaim Local Airport From Los Angeles Oversight Committee Night". Still no match for 10-Cent Beer promotion  (dailybulletin.com)	(19)
		Congressional bill seeks to let Astronauts keep some props from when they filmed their fake space missions  (latimes.com)	(6)
		Delta mechanics in Atlanta test a 737's engines, find a problem with the brakes  (news.blogs.cnn.com)	(43)
		First two days of NCAA tournament to cost $175 million in lost productivity according to studies put out by Challenger, Gray & Christmas Inc and Department of Pulling Random Numbers out of our Asses  (foxnews.com)	(24)
		It's been five years since real estate prices imploded, so you'll be happy to know that your property taxes may be finally about to start going down  (usatoday.com)	(86)
		Family makes instruments out of vegetables to see what sort of music they can produce  (wtam.com)	(41)
(Red State)		Let's take a stroll down memory lane to a time when the totally awesome B-RAWK Obama was going to do something about high gas prices and oil company profits  (redstate.com)	(162)
		There may be a problem, however, when the oil hits the Asians  (finance.yahoo.com)	(7)
		Crime in Slovak town down due to A: Better policing? B: Community watch program? or C: Batman?  (news.yahoo.com)	(30)
		California legislator proposes law banning violent fans from pro sports games. Raider fans still allowed to start fights in prison exercise yard  (sacbee.com)	(8)
		Good news: Heroin is not a significant problem in Chicago anymore. Bad news: Heroin is now a significant problem in the Chicago suburbs  (chicagotribune.com)	(71)
		Taking a little off the top may lower the risk of prostate cancer  (npr.org)	(177)

		From the 'what-if' files: Here's the script for the untitled Gary Coleman/Emmanuel Lewis buddy-pic that was going to be produced by Michael Bay  (boingboing.net)	(52)
		Rick Santorum wants to make it illegal to use a teleprompter when campaigning. Smell the small government  (rawstory.com)	(283)
(Boioioioioing)		Bridgestone may have found a shrub to provide them with a renewable source of rubber. Rubber tree harvesters relieved, said that they got too many concussions trying to chop down rubber trees  (irishtrucker.com)	(28)
(Some Guy)		'All the cool girls are lesbians' T-shirts prompts debate in Mass. high school  (wisconsingazette.com)	(644)
		Problem: Stage is too hot and too small in tiny nightclub. Solution: Continue playing out the door and finish the song in the street  (youtube.com)	(15)
		Craig Ferguson: "I'm picturing a box in my head and only Geoff Peterson knows what's inside it. What's in the box, Geoff?" Geoff Peterson: "That would be Swiss prostitutes, Craig"  (bbc.co.uk)	(95)
		Brees takes time off from trying to feed his family to say he only knew of imaginary bounty programs  (espn.go.com)	(47)
		Improving economy, rise in pizza sales creates Domino effect for new jobs  (news.com.au)	(18)
		NASA to launch sun probe in 2018. To keep it from burning when it enters solar orbit, engineers schedule mission at night  (latimes.com)	(29)
		Newly discovered Three Stooges home video from 1938 is probably better than the one Hollywood is giving us this year. With added music and sound effects it doesn't get any better than this  (youtube.com)	(51)
		Atlanta Falcons offseason shopping list includes milk, eggs, protein powder, and a Lofa Tatupu  (seattlepi.com)	(8)
		Economic espionage case grows over whitening ingredient used in a wide-range of products from Oreo cookies to car paint  (abcnews.go.com)	(19)
		Brogramming: "We're the cool programmers"  (smh.com.au)	(102)

		In Iowa, a barber has to take 2100 hours of school to legally cut somebody's hair. But a professional piercer can pierce anyone anywhere, and there's no regulation whatsoever  (desmoinesregister.com)	(170)
		Fran Drescher, ordained wedding minister: "I now pronounce you married; you may remove your earplugs now"  (nytimes.com)	(78)
(Some Guy)		Did you know that the New Deal prolonged the Great Depression and made life harder on poor people?  (addictinginfo.org)	(449)
		Why are millions of Americans locked up? It's profitable, that's why  (cnn.com)	(495)
(Some Guy)		Not news: Man buys car. News: Dealer sells man with dementia a new car. Fark: a $62,000 Nissan Murano convertible Ultra Fark: They even got him to pay $10,000 in extra accessories, including rust proofing  (pressdemocrat.com)	(164)
		The FDA has approved a third silicone breast implant. Looks like we're going to Mars  (msnbc.msn.com)	(66)
		Rogue US soldier accused of killing Afghan civilians, Paladin disapproves  (bbc.co.uk)	(499)

		The Romneybot 2012 is excellent for processing data, but his image processing and facial recognition features are lacking  (nytimes.com)	(56)
(Some Guy)		Cool: Women are protesting Bank of America with their "Bust up BOA," by stripping down to their bras. Not Cool: It's "Code Pink" women  (beverlyhills.patch.com)	(23)
(CBS Detroit)		Man shot dead at Detroit gas station over price of condoms. Clearly he was not wearing protection at the time  (detroit.cbslocal.com)	(54)
		New Massachusetts divorce bill would finally make alimony settlements more fair for men. Guess who has a problem with that?  (cnn.com)	(212)
		Each of four pro-pot groups trying for a legalization referendum this year wants you to know that they're the real thing and the other three groups are conspiring against them  (latimes.com)	(104)
(Some Guy)		You may have short-term memory problems if you get arrested for prostitution twice in the same night. For soliciting two different undercover detectives. In the same car  (pressofatlanticcity.com)	(22)
		Teen smoking now in epidemic proportions. One in four high school students now smokes regularly, the other three just like to light up after having sex with their teacher  (baltimoresun.com)	(101)
(Some Guy)		For the second time this week, parents test Chuck E. Cheese's "No Child Left Behind" program  (kens5.com)	(63)
		World's most courteous drunk driver stops to let passenger out during police chase, then promptly dies after driving into pillar  (chron.com)	(28)
(TVShowsOnDVD)		Got about 450 hours to kill? The entirety of Dark Shadows is being released in a single DVD set later this year. Of course, by the time you finish watching it, you'll probably be able to pass as Barnaby Jones yourself  (tvshowsondvd.com)	(89)

		Losing to Northwestern, Penn State, Iowa, and Nebraska may be acceptable in football, but in basketball, you will probably get fired  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(33)
		Two high school students score a perfect 36 on their ACTs, guaranteeing them placement at the Midwest college of their choice and a lonely prom  (press-citizen.com)	(60)
		Washington puts up $10M prize for company that can produce an American-made affordable green lightbulb - and now we have our winner, which you can buy for the low, low price of...$50 per bulb  (washingtonpost.com)	(187)
		"Look at the nail on your pinky finger: Every second, about 65 billion neutrinos pass through it. Almost all were produced inside the giant nuclear reactor in our sun's belly"  (wired.com)	(33)
(some prankster)		Improv Everywhere gets the crowd at TED with the spinning beachball of death  (improveverywhere.com)	(15)
		Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson's remarks at Senate Commerce hearing on the future of our space program  (youtube.com)	(85)
		Toyota recalls 681,000 U.S. cars for various problems. This year the only thing Toyota can't recall is the last time they made a car without any defects  (huffingtonpost.com)	(54)
		According to an old proverb 'He who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.' Kris Humphries is about to put it to the test ... representing himself in divorce court. #dumbasaboxofrocks   (bittenandbound.com)	(20)
(lvrj)		Jimmy Buffett is approved for casino license in Las Vegas. Immediately begins plans to offer high paying slots, video poker, the Buffett buffet  (lvrj.com)	(26)
		Sheriff Arapio would like to prove that Obama was born in Kenya, but he can't because of missing records so that proves Obama's records are false or something  (wnd.com)	(163)
		You know how RON PAUL says that he favors abolishing the CIA in order to protect individual freedom? Yeah, about that  (thenation.com)	(87)
(Some Guy)		Police on peaceful 30 sq mile island in the English Channel spend $280,000 on missile proof armed car. Residents less than impressed with their tax dollars at work  (thisisguernsey.com)	(50)
(Boomstick Comics)		If Pixar remade The Shining, it would probably look like this  (boomstickcomics.com)	(17)
		There may be a problem, however, when the higher rates hit the ANZ  (news.com.au)	(9)
		Two young lesbians told they are not a 'real couple'. They obviously have a problem with this (w/ young lesbian pics)  (dailymail.co.uk)	(201)

		Gallup has Obama's job approval going positive for the first time since Bin Laden was killed. What a slut  (gallup.com)	(49)
(Some Guy)		Pro Tip: When calling in a fake bomb threat to get out of a test, it's best NOT to use your own cell phone  (kptv.com)	(17)
		Having trouble with a calculus problem? Ask your testicles  (sciencedaily.com)	(22)
(Some Guy)		Baby who was pronounced dead at birth but was then revived by a hug turns two  (moms.today.msnbc.msn.com)	(37)
(Washington Free Beacon)		R-Jiggaman corrects D-Hova over 99 problems lyrics on FL state house floor [video]  (freebeacon.com)	(26)
		Good news: NBC and YouTube team up to stream every 2012 Olympic event live. Bad news: NBC will probably figure out a way to require you to install Silverlight nonetheless  (gizmodo.com)	(35)
(Some Guy)		Symantec's "lost" cell phone experiments proves one thing: don't lose your phone. Not only will you likely never see it again, but everything on it will get accessed   (digitallife.today.msnbc.msn.com)	(46)
(Some Guy)		MLB team owner overheard saying that politicians that approved public funding of his new stadium "aren't the intellectual cream of the crop", which is both embarrassing and embarrassingly true  (940winz.com)	(10)
(Some Guy)		Mayor: What's a little prostitution amongst Council members?  (ydr.com)	(33)
		Satellite photos show conclusive proof Saddam is hiding his mobile biological weapons plant to avoid inspection  (cbsnews.com)	(285)
		Hot female pro golfer arrested for driving after visiting the 19th hole  (tmz.com)	(33)
		"What did Reid promise Kerrey?" Probably to drop an "e" and move him to Massachusetts  (politico.com)	(15)
		Lawsuits are forcing more and more companies to end their slavery programs. Er, I'm sorry, did I slavery? I meant "unpaid internship." They're ending their unpaid internship programs  (usatoday.com)	(117)
(Some Guy)		Louis CK made some inappropriate tweets about Sarah Palin, so that means Rush Limbaugh is automatically President and everyone gets a free "Just Because" bouquet from Pro Flowers.com  (the950.com)	(265)
		Fark's favorite high school basketball announcer rips his vocal chords once again as team advances in playoffs after coming back from improbable 15-point fourth-quarter deficit (w/video)  (deadspin.com)	(9)
		When Republican congressmen testify that they never supported green energy loans and never asked Secretary Chu to speed up their approval in their states, they mean never in their *hearts*, not in, like, reality or anything  (usatoday.com)	(55)
		You're not going to believe this, but there are actually some women in the world who have a small problem with laundry instructions in men's pants that say, "give it to your woman, it's her job"  (npr.org)	(126)
		Florida finally does something about a huge problem plaguing society. No, not prescription drug abuse. Imprisoned pregnant women in labor making a break for it  (mysuncoast.com)	(23)

		Topher Grace edited the 'Star Wars' prequels into one 85-Minute movie and it is probably the best possible edit of the prequels given the footage released and available  (slashfilm.com)	(102)
		Student: I have a hearing disability. School: You don't listen, so you have a disciplinary problem. You're expelled. Student: Fine. Here's a lawsuit. School: What?  (huffingtonpost.com)	(243)
		Weird Prosthetics through time. (Bonus: It's not a slide show)  (bbc.co.uk)	(46)
		Shootings are up but homicides are down in Milwaukee, proving that the Wisconsin State Legislature needs to stop focusing on concealed-carry laws and start teaching these idiots how to aim properly  (jsonline.com)	(47)
		Stranded kite surfer survives over 40 hours on energy drinks and energy bars while waiting for coast guard to pick him up. Oh, and he had to stab a bunch of hungry sharks. They probably just wanted his energy bars  (worldnews.msnbc.msn.com)	(53)
		"If elected Mayor, I promise to continue firebombing cement trucks, sitting on a ledge at the office of the U.S. Forrest Service, and committing domestic violence"  (big1059.com)	(38)
		U.S productivity cools. "wringing efficiency"?? Try suffocating as workers are burdened by wearing multiple hats and then some, trying to keep a consistent income in this lax economy. Not that we are complaining, ya know  (bloomberg.com)	(98)
		New commercial for Playstation's MLB 2012 shows what it would be like in Chicago if the Cubs won the World Series. It's probably the greatest Cubs troll ever  (sports.yahoo.com)	(67)
		Newspaper whines that San Diego isn't taking the Chargers stadium proposal the newspaper commissioned seriously. Putting it on the front page wasn't enough, evidently  (utsandiego.com)	(16)
		Madonna, 53, considering marriage proposal from 24 year old boyfriend. Tells close friends that marriage is an easier process than just trying to adopt him  (metro.co.uk)	(25)
		Dude, do you think today's young workers lack professionalism, er, I mean sir, dude. Er, sir  (orlandosentinel.com)	(156)
		Nanny state tells five-year-old that he will probably become a fat adult because his BMI was a mere 4 points over normal. With pictures of so-called fatty  (thesun.co.uk)	(155)
(Some Guy)		CEO realizes Asus makes zero profit on $799 UltraBooks. Suggests slashing price to $499 to better undercut the MacBook Air, and making it up on volume  (theverge.com)	(44)

		Sometimes democracy means punching a candidate for county prosecutor in the face  (cleveland.com)	(25)
		Tennessee professor attempts to drive across the US on ten gallons of gas. Probably won't get out of driveway  (news.yahoo.com)	(29)
		Problem: Rush Limbaugh has hours of ad time available after calling Sandra Fluke a slut and prostitute. Solution: websites that help people become sluts and prostitutes buy up available ad time  (theatlanticwire.com)	(199)
		Step 1: Move to America. Step 2: Have sex with gay sheriff running for Congress. Step 3: Profit  (610wiod.com)	(89)
		How did word of Putin winning by a landslide get out before voting ever started? (w/video proof)  (thesun.co.uk)	(78)
		Deep divides amongst leaders over religion, middle-eastern strategy, and social issues including the use of women in the battlefield has splintered once powerful group. And in other news, the Pakistani Taliban is also facing major problems  (upi.com)	(28)
		Mother loses legs protecting her children from tornado. "Mommy, I don't like this"  (abcnews.go.com)	(153)
		Woman hit by triathlon cyclist in coma. Which proves that cycling while in a coma is dangerous  (msn.foxsports.com)	(42)
(Some Guy)		The actual most astounding fact of the universe is that Neil DeGrasse Tyson is smarter and more profound than subby. Or something about how the universe is inside us  (slyoyster.com)	(84)
		Fair and Balanced Fox News in 2008, making sure Americans understand the president has no control over gas prices, United States oil production makes little difference, and we should be promoting mass transit  (youtube.com)	(128)
		Mass Effect 3 review: a proper ending-but not a perfect one. Brought to you by some guy that has obviously finished the game in the four hours it's been out  (arstechnica.com)	(245)
		"Driving and facebooking is not safe! Haha," especially at night at 80 mph, prophetic teen learns  (dailymail.co.uk)	(186)

		Romney describes the Russian election as a "mockery of the democratic process." Putin describes the GOP Primary as a "clusterfark of epic proportions that continues to rape the carcass of that long deceased chicken"   (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(44)
		SportsChump not so proudly presents the Danica Patrick Chart of Ever-Increasing Annoyance  (sportschump.net)	(90)
		Professional goalie lets in 13 goals on 46 shots. Receives first star of the game and standing ovation. Difficulty: No Andrew Raycroft  (thestar.com)	(66)
		Occupy protesters in Palm Beach use a duct tape and PVC pipe concoction to essentially glue their hands to a building that police are trying to remove them from. Hilarity ensues  (wptv.com)	(162)
		China's new hit TV show: The Execution Factor - designed as propaganda to deter would-be criminals is a real killer with the populace  (dailymail.co.uk)	(100)
(Some Guy)		If you can write an entire piece on what Apple "really" needs to do and not explain at all why they need to do it, then they probably don't "really" need to do it  (informationweek.com)	(47)
		Donald Trump learns that before building a mega golf course, it's probably best to check the proposed offshore winds  (mnn.com)	(45)
		Protesters crash Chicago's 175th birthday celebration. Chances are, they were people trying to get Chicagoans to embrace the deliciousness that is the superior New York Style pizza  (suntimes.com)	(149)
		Russian election observers find 'serious problems' with Putin win. Unpossible  (telegraph.co.uk)	(50)
		Backstreet Boy reports $120,000 jewelry theft. Which just goes to prove that it's always better in the long run to waste the money on hookers and blow and avoid future problems like this  (wrcbtv.com)	(20)
		Maryland Congressman proposes a tax break for a) gun owners, b) truck drivers, or c) mustache wearers   (videocafe.crooksandliars.com)	(67)
		Chicago police chief promises the city won't do a blanket surveillance of Muslims like New York City did, they'll just be more subtle and picky about it  (chicagotribune.com)	(33)

		Proposed US law bans protesting near anyone who rates a Secret Service detail, even if you don't know where he is, or if it is even there  (boingboing.net)	(140)
		Jennifer Love Hewitt strips down to bra and panties to promote .... oh forget it, how about those Knicks?  (dailymail.co.uk)	(102)
(Some Crocus pic)		Time for a garden thread. Who's got crocus already? Strarted your seeds yet? Any major landscaping projects lined up?  (i222.photobucket.com)	(284)
(DVice)		Pepper spray can now be delivered from 150 feet away at 60-90 mph. It's getting to where you have to start behaving at protests  (dvice.com)	(131)
(Some BlabberMouth)		Guitarist Ronnie Montrose dead at 64 from prostate cancer  (legacy.roadrunnerrecords.com)	(54)
		Former pro wrestler Doug Furnas dead at 50 from Parkinson's. He'll no longer be able to get any heat  (bleacherreport.com)	(39)
		So maybe ALL oil companies aren't evil. Sunoco's Craft Beer Exchange Program is so successful that people may actually start looking forward to filling up  (usatoday.com)	(25)

		The iPad mini rumors are back, but this time they're confirmed (Actual confirmation not included. Void where prohibited by law.)  (news.cnet.com)	(76)
		BIll O'Reilly would like to know why he should spend his hard earned money to pay for someone to have sex. Probably still stinging from having to pay for the phone sex he had with his former producer  (huffingtonpost.com)	(303)
(Some Guy)		Progress: someone cared enough about a high school girls' ice hockey game to aim a laser at the opposing goalie's eyes  (boston.cbslocal.com)	(28)

		President Obama calls up Sandra Fluke, the woman whom Rush Limbaugh maligned, telling her that she should and her parents "should be proud"  (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(511)
		GM stop production of the Chevy Volt because A. $41k pricetag B. $41k pricetag C. $41k pricetag  (jalopnik.com)	(95)
		NFL confirms that Saints ran bounty program in an attempt to injure opposing players. Bounty on Vernon Davis went uncollected  (espn.go.com)	(396)
		Ghost of Andrew Breitbart to release the tapes of Obama's college years in the next 10 days, offering definitive proof the President was once a young, stupid college kid  (hotair.com)	(301)
		Groupon offers discount on Dahmer walking tour. Some people have a problem with this because 20 years is "too soon"  (news.yahoo.com)	(158)
		Obama says he's proven "Democrats are not weak on defense" though he admits they do have some concerns in the secondary that they hope to address either in the draft or the free agent market  (news.yahoo.com)	(218)

		So which came first? The first name Dezzerray, or the foray into the world of prostitution? Or the customer?  (mysuncoast.com)	(38)
		Phtotoshop theme : Terrible celebrity product endorsements  (google.com)	(61)
(Some Guy)		Bioethicists argue that "post-birth abortions" should be allowed even when newborns are perfectly healthy, modestly propose a few choice recipes  (nbcdfw.com)	(270)
		Employers want the return of Vocational Tech programs since high school graduates entering the workforce now need to know how to fix cars, repair refrigeration, work the Slurpee machine  (bottomline.msnbc.msn.com)	(119)
(WUSA9)		Cooking Africans, killing terrorists and alien abductions ... just another third grade math problem  (wusa9.com)	(63)
(RT)		Occupy protesters hope to regain momentum, dignity  (rt.com)	(54)
		Are you drunk and have a probation appointment tomorrow? Do you have friends that will stab you on command? Problem solved  (omaha.com)	(15)
(Oakland Press)		Not significant: robbing a liquor store. Interesting: using a propane torch and lighter as your weapon. Hilarious: Clerk follows you outside and beats you up with a baseball bat to retrieve the money  (theoaklandpress.com)	(21)
(Some Guy)		UK Firm hired to promote Kentucky Tourism to Brits: "Come for the Dukes of Hazzard, Stay for the Roadkill Bingo"  (courier-journal.com)	(58)
		Thai teens go all-out for "Hitler chic" fashion, including options like McHitler and Panda Hitler. Surprisingly, some people have a problem with this  (cnngo.com)	(174)
(Some Guy)		Study finds women who get frequent headaches are more likely than others to have sexual problems. So when she says not tonight, she really means it  (todayhealth.today.msnbc.msn.com)	(53)

		Female professors use maternity leave to care for their newborns. Male professors use paternity leave to do research and publish papers  (blogs.wsj.com)	(65)
(Some Guy)		Protip: Before you call 911 to report a home invasion, be certain the intruders aren't just hallucinations caused by your being wigged out on "bath salts"  (timesnews.net)	(70)
		Having solved all the state's problems with education, budget, infrastructure and jobs, Louisiana seeks to ban straw holes for drive-through daiquiri stands  (wwl.com)	(96)
(Some Wall Smasher)		In these days of school shootings, problems with bullies, illiteracy of high school 'graduates', etc, this school is indefinitely suspending a fifth grade girl - for blue kool-aid in her hair. Ironic tag is for the town name  (wcpo.com)	(139)
		A new coin-op arcade opens. Appropriately, it opened in Minnesota, where it's still 1992  (aggrogate.com)	(100)
		Pro wrestler sues opponent, promoter after losing a testicle in a match. It's still real to him  (nbcsports.msnbc.com)	(121)
		The 10 weirdest Science Fiction novels you've never read. Proving once and for all that just because you translate a sci-fi author doesn't mean you can write sci-fi  (io9.com)	(59)
		Mitt Romney's biggest problem? He's a total dork  (rawstory.com)	(60)
(Some Guy)		Prosecutors concentrating on local rabbi's incendiary ash-for-cash scheme  (newyorkpost.com)	(11)
(TV Geek Army)		Local TV news ad prompts us to ask: "What is the FUTURE SCAN for WEDNESDAY, humanoid spouse?"  (tvgeekarmy.com)	(13)
(Some Guy)		Police are upset to learn that you can't trust prostitutes  (lehighvalleylive.com)	(63)
		If you're going to steal a smart phone, it's probably best not to show your victim the unique tattoo on your abs just before assaulting him  (chicagotribune.com)	(15)
		Don't look now, but the government just made a $2.8 billion profit on the sale of AIG's mortgage-backed securities  (money.cnn.com)	(285)
		If you're a Chase customer with less than $100,000 in your account, they really don't want your business because you're no longer profitable  (bloomberg.com)	(77)

		The problems with using BMI to measure health...aside from the fact it doesn't take into account we are all barrel-chested body builders  (boingboing.net)	(132)
		This half-graffitied hotel room would probably give you nightmares  (stylist.co.uk)	(36)
(Some Guy)		Long-delayed Acme park on the verge of approval. Attractions include: The Rocket Sled, The Catapult, The Anvil Drop and Exploding Tennis  (bellinghamherald.com)	(28)
		Paramount Pictures is suing to stop the publication of a Godfather prequel novel, claiming they want to protect the integrity and reputation of the franchise. Obviously, they forgot that they made Godfather 3  (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(61)
		F**k S**t Robotic word association using four letter words. Rob Seward explores the relationship between words, technology, and brain activity with "four letter words." But it all leans towards the rather profane and dark  (humansinvent.com)	(5)
		Tom Tom recalculates profits right off a cliff  (finance.yahoo.com)	(58)
		Colon probes District Court Judge  (newsobserver.com)	(9)
		Six sci-fi books picked by a professional futurist  (npr.org)	(98)
		Tugboat reaches cruise ship adrift in pirate-infested Indian ocean, promises to bodyslam anyone that gets in its way  (foxnews.com)	(33)
		Well, let's say this Penguin represents the normal size of penguins in the current era. Based on this fossil, the penguin would be... four point two feet tall, weighing approximately twenty-six pounds  (msnbc.msn.com)	(33)
		Olympus making way for new management. Jupiter promises better focus, greater zoom  (edition.cnn.com)	(6)
		Contractor who ran mold-infested housing for Navy families promises to work with those who got sick. And by that they mean try to have the lawsuits moved to federal court where they can claim sovereign immunity  (wtkr.com)	(41)
		Need answers to all of life's nagging problems? 8-year-old Eve of London, England is here to help  (news.yahoo.com)	(38)
(Wired UK)		Unfortunately the project was cancelled when it was discovered that male subjects drove repeatedly into a wall at high speed, while female subjects drove round in circles until the researchers started screaming at them  (wired.co.uk)	(14)
		Girl heads off an errant basketball shot like a pro  (youtube.com)	(25)
		George Lucas doesn't approve every single piece of Star Wars merchandise; here are some rejected ideas that would actually be pretty cool. Who wouldn't want an inflatable replica of Emperor's throne?  (io9.com)	(94)

(onlineathens)		Not News: College student gets his probation revoked. News: Because he was perched on a parking deck peeing on bar patrons below. FARK: He was on probation for painting LOTR graffiti all over campus  (onlineathens.com)	(34)
		Good news: Chicago is getting rid of its gang problems. Bad news: they're going into the more affluent suburbs instead of jail  (suntimes.com)	(105)
		If your going to promote literacy night, be sure you spell good when you post it on the sign  (tampabay.com)	(42)
		Professional bowler Pete Weber is about to become a lot more famous than he could have ever imagined. With, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE I AM" viral goodness. (Not Safe for Work Language)  (youtube.com)	(111)
		The internet is awash with brilliant proposals. Here's a farking awful one to try and redress the balance  (shortlist.com)	(146)
		Group provides oral health kits to moms -- and no one needs it more than yours  (wgal.com)	(3)
		Proving there's nothing they can't do, Navy SEALs take out Tyler Perry, Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd  (stripes.com)	(139)
		Protip: If you're a burglar, hiding in a pile of laundry may hamper your escape  (wtsp.com)	(20)
		Congressman apologizes for his "joke" about gunning down a few Senators to break the gridlock in Washington. Besides, Robert's Rules of Order specifically forbids murder of a legislator without a proper Motion to Recommit  (news.yahoo.com)	(37)
(Some Guy)		Man finds burglar in his house, promptly mugs him  (wtae.com)	(10)
		Recently discovered photos of Liz Taylor provide ample, firm, supple, nicely rounded evidence of why she drove so many men batshiat crazy  (life.time.com)	(35)
		The universe once again proves you can't dodge death...or that trash bin flying toward you at 45 miles per hour  (wptv.com)	(23)
		There's a new trend sweeping the nation: Little free libraries. Though you've probably never seen one. That's too bad, because they seem pretty cool. Keep looking, but they'll probably be old news by the time you find one  (usatoday.com)	(66)
		Lucy Lawless's anti-drilling protest over already. Xena: weekend warrior princess  (people.com)	(28)
		Prolonged race forces Romney campaign to recalibrate, recalibrating. . . TURN HARD RIGHT NOW  (nytimes.com)	(45)
		All the movies from the 84th Academy Awards "Best Picture" category edited into one giant swear/profanity/curse reel (language Not safe for work)  (youtube.com)	(4)
		Protip - If you are trying to defraud an insurance company for disability - don't jump for Mardi Gras beads  (nola.com)	(57)
		Woman earns World record for most cosmetic surgery procedures, is still hittable (w/pics)  (nla.thesun.co.uk)	(128)

		Researchers claim they can produce unlimited numbers of "human" eggs from stem cells. I think I've seen this movie, and it doesn't end well  (bbc.co.uk)	(57)
		Students of taxpayer-funded elementary charter school enjoy a very merry Scientology Christmas. Some thetans have a problem with this  (tampabay.com)	(40)
		How to traumatize your children for fun and profit  (neatorama.com)	(8)
		Pamela Anderson proudly displays Spring's latest look - eyebrows painted on a snare drum  (dailymail.co.uk)	(66)
		Guy asks Taylor Swift to Prom. Not news, she turns him down. Fark: She asks HIM to the ACM Awards instead  (reuters.com)	(69)

		A Kennedy is facing charges after deciding the rules do not apply to them. This is not a headline from Prohibition through 2009  (nydailynews.com)	(173)
		British rival to Siri unveiled. Sure, she works on Android and Apple products, and copes with various British dialects, but can Evi tell if you want four candles or fork handles?  (guardian.co.uk)	(61)
(Columbus Dispatch)		Ohio would like to arrest you if your car has "secret compartments" whether or not they contained drugs; while a felony, sentence would be only double secret probation  (dispatch.com)	(270)
(Some Guy)		In the cool early morning hours, John Columbus Beane lay in the parking lot of Linda's Sports Bar, the distant police sirens signaling an end to a day filled with what had proven to be a string of very bad decisions  (wvgazette.com)	(84)
		Colbert gets revenge on dead Mormons by converting them to Judaism. Fark: He performs a "proxy circumcision", using a hot dog and a cigar cutter. (w/photos & video)  (dailymail.co.uk)	(93)

		When trying to convince the world you had nothing to do with the murder - you probably shouldn't wear a 'prison jumpsuit orange' shirt for the TV interview  (myfoxdc.com)	(19)
		The Lorax. Being used to promote an SUV. That sound you heard was Dr. Seuss spinning in his grave  (youtube.com)	(48)
		Riot police sent to Orlando mall because people there were A) part of the Occupy movement, B) protesting the war in Afghanistan, or C) trying to buy glow-in-the-dark shoes  (miamiherald.com)	(65)
(StateCollege.com)		More PA bars announce that they will join the call to close on St. Patrick's Day, sacrificing profits in order to help stop dangerous binge drinking by students  (statecollege.com)	(161)
(Investors Business Daily)		In front of a group of stunned engineers, Obama claims he can turn algae into jet fuel and then proceeds to do that trick where it looks like he's pulling his thumb off  (news.investors.com)	(196)
		Mitt Romney's position is weaker than you realize, and his approval numbers are worse than any frontrunner in GOP history. Yes, even more than McCain's  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(83)
(Some Guy)		Werewolf girl says she's proud to be special, looks forward to leading her high school basketball team to victory   (todayhealth.today.msnbc.msn.com)	(62)
		New Australian Coroner's inquest may finally prove once and for all that Dingoes did, in fact, eat her baby  (worldnews.msnbc.msn.com)	(35)
		Rare 12.76 carat pink diamond discovered in Australia will be cut and go on world tour. Inspector Clouseau to provide security  (abcnews.go.com)	(65)

		No Cheer as Bounty runs out for for 5,700 Proctor and Gamble workers. Let's hope they can flow with the Tide and Bounce back  (money.cnn.com)	(18)
		Researchers studying sizes of mammals throughout Earth's periods of warmth and cold suggest global warming could make us shorter, dwarfing our other problems  (dailymail.co.uk)	(19)
(Android Central)		Samsung and AT&T unveil new submersible, dust proof and shock absorbent, military grade smart phone for under $100. Which is $300 less than Apple will charge when they "invent" it in two years  (androidcentral.com)	(73)
(ktvb.com)		Idaho committee approves the Gerald Ford Protection Act  (ktvb.com)	(114)
		US rice farmer livid that after we destroyed their country, Iraqis won't buy our product at a premium price  (philly.com)	(38)
		Xena, Cylon #3 and Lucretia board an Alaska-bound oil ship in protest  (3news.co.nz)	(94)
		Jennifer Love Hewitt (moderate stiffening) to star in TV show about prostitution (full rigidity) on Lifetime (some softening) with Cybill Sheppard (complete flaccidity)  (content.usatoday.com)	(47)
		Anti-underage drinking advocate accused of providing underage drinkers a place to drink  (nj.com)	(18)
		Like a task force taking down a crime family, federal prosecutors are slowly working up the corporate chain of command of Massey Energy with criminal indictments connected to the Big Branch mine disaster  (cbsnews.com)	(81)
		Old and outdated: Hollywood celebrity map of the stars. New and improved: NYC celebrity map of the stars  (huffingtonpost.com)	(28)
		RBS celebrates £2 billion loss for 2011 by awarding £390 million in bonuses to its investment bankers. It only seemed appropriate  (guardian.co.uk)	(7)
		When trying to claim Newt lied, please make sure the link you put up actually doesn't disprove your claim  (newsbusters.org)	(95)
		Flashlights are the new weapon in the war on prostitution. No, I said FLASHlights  (content.usatoday.com)	(34)
		If you get a speeding ticket, it's probably best not to go to officer's house to discuss things "man to man"  (tcpalm.com)	(39)
		Ten bizarre real-life events that inspired equally bizarre movies. Yes, The Mothman Prophecies was based on a true story  (toplessrobot.com)	(83)
		Today Forbes takes a pretty good argument for gun rights and promptly empties the magazine into the void between correlation and causation  (forbes.com)	(149)
(Some Guy)		Hot teacher is fired for a problem with an inappropriate relationship. With a "yes you would" picture  (click2houston.com)	(89)
		Maryland lawmaker proposes that drunk driving asshats be mandated to participate in the ignition interlock program, even on a first offense, if their DUI happens while there are children in the car  (wtop.com)	(86)
		Jeremy Linterested in trademarking "linsanity" so he can lincrease his lincome by lintroducing a new line of products  (bloomberg.com)	(20)
(Tucson Citizen)		Outside the debate, there were vendors, local campaign folk, a crackpot who claimed to be ex-CIA, and protestors fighting over who has the best reason to hate Romney. Still saner than inside  (tucsoncitizen.com)	(4)
		Pro tip to law enforcement: kicking in the door may look cool in the movies it's actually very hard to do and you're just better off using the key you got from the hotel manager  (liveleak.com)	(53)
(North County Times)		From the "You CAN make a difference" files: Tonight a City Council in California killed a proposal to outsource the local public library. Leading the fight against outsourcing was a Farker. DIT  (nctimes.com)	(324)

(Some Guy)		Tired of being the butt of jokes, Ice-T's wife Coco gets an ultrasound to prove the junk in her trunk is real. Oh the Hugh-Jassity  (dailytelegraph.com.au)	(75)
		Former DNC chair to buy the two most prestigious and influential newspapers in a critical swing-state with funds provided by Democratic donors. Of course the newspapers will remain legit and non-parti..Ok I couldn't not laugh  (washingtontimes.com)	(80)
		"US companies have no more assets to sell and will continue to lay off employees to boost profits" say economic forecasters  (blogs.wsj.com)	(21)
(Some Guy)		If anyone has $10k burning a hole in their pocket, you can do the rest of us a favor and get the web comic Goats back into production  (kickstarter.com)	(24)
		Georgia Dems propose vasectomy ban in response to anti-abortion bill. Republican men look prepared to start a "My vas deferens, my choice" movement  (huffingtonpost.com)	(147)
(McRumors)		Foxconn uses underage children in their Apple production line. That's okay, subby doesn't mind, because they're passing the savings on to me  (macrumors.com)	(51)
		"When skeptics complain that global warming activists are apparently willing to go to any lengths--including lying--to advance their worldview, I'd say one of the movement's top priorities should be not proving them right"  (theatlantic.com)	(88)
		India's $35 tablet computer program in trouble due to slow speed, short battery life and a clunky touch screen, but at least tech support is only a local phone call away  (msnbc.msn.com)	(13)
		Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and Chinese food, but it can still ruin soft drinks for pregnant women. Not to mention coffee, tea and chocolate  (sciencedaily.com)	(16)
(ABC 7 News)		Further proving that Republicans think of women as livestock, IL state agriculture committee passes new abortion restrictions  (abclocal.go.com)	(66)
		...proving that the BBC is without a doubt the last bastion of truth & journalistic integrity (Not safe for work language)  (youtube.com)	(27)
(Some Guy)		Yeah, we'd like to help with your life and death emergency, but all the police are currently tied up with the OWS Berkely protest. Please try to not get killed until we can leave these silly kids alone for a few minutes  (sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com)	(230)
		Binghamton is the last Division 1 basketball team to get its first win of the season. Worm approves  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(15)
		In another disturbing sign of just how bad the economy is, Pennsylvania cuts its $300,000 animatronic groundhog that was used to promote the state lottery. May God help us all  (wgal.com)	(40)
		Virginia Governor Robert F. McDonnell, after being featured on The Daily Show for his support of the post-rape vaginal probe bill, would like to take some time to take a long, hard look at the issue and possibly reconsider his position  (washingtonpost.com)	(370)
		Professional liar...um...White House press secretary, says that Obama did not turn down the Keystone Pipeline. It was reverse vampires  (realclearpolitics.com)	(154)
		Proving that Bond Rating agencies are as reluctant as public school teachers to give out F's ; Fitch's downgrades Greek debt from CCC to C  (foxbusiness.com)	(12)
		City sued for not approving a new IHOP. They take their pancakes pretty damn seriously down south  (wrcbtv.com)	(43)
		What do you mean "Nominated for Fark.com's headline of the year, 2011" and "Time Magazine's Person of the Year 2006" aren't proper qualifications for my resum *bzzt* hang on, I gotta get this  (forbes.com)	(18)
(Some Guy)		MMA fighter scores a knockout with one kick. The only problem is that he knocked HIMSELF out  (diehardsport.com)	(41)
		Newly Discovered Legless Amphibians Are Horrifying... without a proper dipping sauce  (news.yahoo.com)	(18)
		Adele proves a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush  (spinner.com)	(71)

		Vietnamese man who never saw the season finale of M*A*S*H* thinks the proper response to a screaming child is the airplane emergency ramp  (consumerist.com)	(89)
		Transformers engagement ring, to propose to your fake, imaginary supermodel wife that lives with you in your mom's basement  (io9.com)	(33)
		Protip: When kidnapping teens, make sure to take away their cellphones so they don't text for help from inside your trunk  (wptv.com)	(204)
		Wal-Mart profit falls 15%. Chinese worker rations slashed to half bowl of rice per day  (marketwatch.com)	(50)
(miami new times)		When teaching high school kids about the severity of a 0.112 blood alcohol level, it's probably best not to use yourself as the live example  (blogs.miaminewtimes.com)	(32)
(Some Guy)		Pastor registers as a sex offender after pleading guilty to lewd conduct with underage girls from congregation. To ensure this problem won't happen again, church bans kids from attending services  (news4jax.com)	(96)
		Dominic Strauss-Kahn, who definitely didn't rape that maid in New York, or the other several women who alleged it, nor has he frequented prostitutes, is now being held on suspicion of using company funds for prostitute sex parties  (msnbc.msn.com)	(47)
		Newt Gingrich proclaims Barack Obama is "the most dangerous president in American history." Jefferson Davis weeps  (politics.blogs.foxnews.com)	(300)
		Anderson Cooper gives Courtney Cox a bowl of his creamy white "dressing" which Courtney proceeds to gulp from the bowl as she tells him how good it tastes. Subby was confused by the lack of Japanese dialogue  (dailymail.co.uk)	(64)
		Jamie Moyer attempting a comeback with Colorado. Seems appropriate, since he's as old as the Rockies  (sports.espn.go.com)	(24)
(Some Guy)		You know you have a hoarding problem when your mess is visible from space  (abclocal.go.com)	(132)

		Indiana Republican warns that the Girl Scouts are "radicalized" as proven by the fact that Michelle Obama is their honorary President  (chicagotribune.com)	(217)
		32,000 year-old seeds produce new life. Thankfully, this is not an Abe Vigoda-related story  (nytimes.com)	(29)
		Japanese fart scrolls prove that human art peaked centuries ago  (io9.com)	(121)
(Some Guy)		Lamar Smith (R-etard), creator of SOPA, is at it again with his new bill HR 1981, also known as "Protecting Kittens From Harm Act"  (articles.businessinsider.com)	(115)
		David Brooks: "Jeremy Lin is anomalous in all sorts of ways...But we shouldn't neglect the biggest anomaly. He's a religious person in professional sports." Want to know how I know you nothing about sports, Poindexter?   (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(116)
(Some Guy)		Police searching for man who attempted to rob drugstore: 5'6" 130lb black male wearing dark grey, hooded sweatshirt, black shorts, a blue knit cap, two prosthetic legs  (939mia.com)	(58)
		International Space Station to become much more polite, cleanly. Station spatiale internationale à devenir beaucoup plus polis, proprement  (bbc.co.uk)	(36)
		Married female judge caught with female defense attorney naked in backseat of car. I'm guessing it wasn't pro bono work  (ohio.com)	(175)
(McRumors)		Apple allows ABC an exclusive all-access* pass into Foxconn factories. (*Subject to Apple approval of airing)  (macrumors.com)	(74)
		Knife-wielding man at Hollywood tattoo parlor sought for providing unwanted body modification  (ktla.com)	(10)
		This list of 20 ugly rock stars seems to equate the natural process of aging with "ugly"  (seattlepi.com)	(88)
		A bunny icon to the left of my Business tab? It's more likely than you think, when Paul Krugman does the Playboy Interview. No out-and-out nudity here, but site is probably Not Safe For Work  (playboy.com)	(20)
		You just know that Iran is having serious computer problems when they're asking for bootleg copies of Norton 360™  (foxnews.com)	(89)
		CNN contributor defends Virginia's bill requiring women to receive an ultrasound before an abortion claiming that they "had no problem having a similar procedure when they engaged in the act that resulted in the pregnancy"  (thinkprogress.org)	(471)

		Even the Westboro Baptist Church apparently has it standards and voluntarily travelling to NJ is beneath them. So they have to resort to photo-shopping their protesters into pictures of Whitney's funeral  (rawstory.com)	(100)
		Today's alternative to proper nutrition and exercise is .... starvation on alternate days  (dailymail.co.uk)	(48)
		Religious group accuses MSNBC of deliberately trying to make conservatives look bad by inviting them onto MSNBC programs and letting them speak in front of cameras  (huffingtonpost.com)	(114)
		DARPA's Avatar project will "make James Cameron proud." Nothing could possibly go wrong, etc  (engadget.com)	(72)
		Rick Santorum wants a federal commissar to ensure enough conservative professors are hired by universities. That seems pretty reasonable  (dailykos.com)	(411)
		Duesenberg Motors Inc restarts manufacture of their classic car line with ultimate goal of producing luxury automobiles that will be "a considerable step above a Rolls-Royce or a Bentley." Should be a doozy  (twincities.com)	(42)
(Some Guy)		I keep seeing enormous squirrels around my neighborhood. They keep eating in preparation for a winter that hasn't materialized. Will there be a big problem with diabetic squirrels soon? Can squirrels get diabetes? Where's Brimley?  (mn.gov)	(163)
(Some Guy)		Columnist believes that a My Little Pony episode was a thinly veiled metaphor for teaching children to appreciate waiting for high quality Apple products  (gottabemobile.com)	(106)
(The Province)		The Province (Canada) thinks that FARK had the best Jeremy Lin headline of the week (last section)  (theprovince.com)	(1)
		David Haye hits Derrick Chisora with a glass bottle at the post fight presser for Chisora/Klitschko. A new meme of "HE GLASSED ME" is instantly born (includes profanity)  (youtube.com)	(64)

		Farker i-dig is undergoing a tricky medical procedure. Photoshop him a get well soon card  (google.com)	(89)
		Before sending inmates out to mow a lot after complaints of high weeds, first make sure the land is not a protected wetland  (myfoxdc.com)	(70)

(WNYC)		The new hot food in the NYC restaurant scene: brussels sprouts. No, really  (culture.wnyc.org)	(146)
		Among all the bad things a mother can tell to their son, "Your father was Hitler" probably ranks in the top 7. With bonus HOLY FARK HITLER'S SON photo  (dailymail.co.uk)	(114)
(Some Guy)		Problem: Your towns St Patrick's day parade has been turned into a drunkfest. Solution: Cancel the parade. Result: Internet organizes a bar crawl with 13,000 people attending  (hudsonreporter.com)	(120)
		CBS profits up 30% in the fourth quarter. First time since 1968 that "CBS" and "profits" have been mentioned together in same sentence  (chicagotribune.com)	(7)
		Protip: If you're a home daycare owner, don't shake all of the children when they misbehave... then this happens  (wptv.com)	(48)
		Semi-professional con man, White House party crasher, and reality TV star Tareq Salahi sues his wife for $50 million saying her affair with Journey's guitarist "made him look like a buffoon". Yeah, you were golden until then  (news.yahoo.com)	(37)
(Some Guy)		Gallery of old Soviet space propaganda posters. "Fatherland You lighted the star of progress and peace. Glory to the science, glory to the labor Glory to the Soviet regime"  (retronaut.co)	(47)
		UN approves Arab-backed resolution against Syria and asking president to resign. Since they asked nicely, President Bashar al-Assad should stop killing his own people any moment now  (bbc.co.uk)	(93)
		Starting tomorrow you will be able to use a pseudonym on Facebook, provided you upload your drivers license, birth certificate and social security card  (zdnet.com)	(32)
		Having solved all other problems, House Republicans pass bill protecting them from having to testify if they get sued  (tampabay.com)	(28)
		IPhone thief demands oral sex from his male victim for the iPhone back, then refuses to return it once the deed was done. That's not nice... going back on a promise and all  (nypost.com)	(135)
		You may have a drinking problem if you are turning to liquid soap in the absence of any alcohol  (abc.net.au)	(51)
		Rick Santorum, emphasizing the importance of two-parent families in ecomonic recovery, says strong families will help the poor get back on their feet; critics say it will cost too much to provide every single mom with a new dad  (chicagotribune.com)	(71)

(A Weeaboo)		Top 10 Japanese Horror Movies (You Probably Haven't Seen)  (theweeaboo.com)	(47)
		Owning a handgun for self-protection in the home is a right, like free speech. Let's check in with Washington D.C. to see if the Heller ruling has sunk in yet. And no, this is not a transcript of a deleted scene from 'Brazil'  (washingtontimes.com)	(278)
		Gizmodo gives props to Fark for directing them to a story about a remedial eBay user  (gizmodo.com)	(0)
(WPT Magazine)		First Pro poker player who doesn't mind if you hold the nuts  (wptmag.com)	(19)
		Colorize this Old Hero of Gettysburg, then promptly get off his lawn  (cdn.theatlantic.com)	(25)
		Chris Brown's new pickup line: "I promise I won't beat you." No, seriously, that's it  (uproxx.com)	(77)
		One in ten US kids is being raised by a drunk. This is great news for police, social workers, and anybody else whose job security depends on an endless supply of idiots with active reproductive systems. Not so great for kids, though  (health.usnews.com)	(173)
		Republican panelists at the House contraception hearing were all men. Some women seem to have a problem with this  (thenation.com)	(474)
		GOP: "It's an outrage that Obamacare forces employers to pay for contraception." Reporter: "How do you feel about Romneycare, which has the same provision?" GOP: ***crickets***   (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(289)
(Some Optimistic Guy)		How Republicans can win even if the economy keeps improving. Master plan likely involves two things no one understands: a microwave and non-dairy creamer  (blog.american.com)	(169)
		Nestle expects 2012 profits to continually melt away  (marketwatch.com)	(26)
		Remember Peyton Manning's three different neck procedures over the past two years? Well ... about that  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(41)
		GM posts record annual profit before halftime, plans to totally run up the score  (nytimes.com)	(59)
(reality world)		How bad is reality TV? History professor says networks have run out of material and are stealing ideas from the Dark Ages  (realitytvworld.com)	(37)
		Dr. Pepper Snapple finally quenches investors' thirst for higher profits  (marketwatch.com)	(21)
		Man pays £21m for Bacon nude, is promptly thrown out of IHOP  (bbc.co.uk)	(22)
		Not content with patent trolling companies that aren't bankrupt, Apple now seeking court approval to sue Eastman Kodak  (bloomberg.com)	(9)
		The profound lies of Deep Throat. Wait, you mean Linda Lovelace made the whole thing up?  (miamiherald.com)	(67)
		Protip: If you're going to light a candle in honor of a recently deceased celebrity, make sure it's not near any other flammable materials  (upi.com)	(14)
		Controversial PETA ad claims going vegan may make you so good in bed "you'll injure your girlfriend". Surprisingly, some people have a problem with this  (dailymail.co.uk)	(140)
		New York Times Headline: "Howls of Protest" against Mitt Romney. Actual Story: 12 people showed up. Bigger Story: Author has written a variant on the same story 28 times in the past 4 years  (newsbusters.org)	(80)
		Rick Santorum finally finds a form of protection he's not opposed to  (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(79)

(Some Guy)		Protip for all you medical-type doctors: When your patient is crying, you being a rude, condescending dick and then throwing a box of tissues at them is frowned upon  (bangordailynews.com)	(51)
(Chronicle)		Professor and author of two books on the 1886 Haymarket riot attempts to correct an inaccuracy on the event's Wikipedia entry; has correction reversed, is called a vandal, is told site is based on what's popular, not what's true  (chronicle.com)	(361)
		New technology promises to predict tornadoes. But the models aren't ready yet, so there will be no predictions this year. But the predictions will come with frozen yogurt, which I like to call frogurt  (usatoday.com)	(51)
		Obama to donors: "I know you are upset, but this time I promise you that we will have real change if you reelect me"  (nymag.com)	(122)
		Having solved the state's other problems, Arizona lawmaker wants to force advertisers to disclose when they airbrush their models  (azcentral.com)	(86)
		Apple CEO Tim Cook announces plans to improve conditions at his slave shop. Wait a second, didn't he say just a week ago that nothing was wrong with them?  (cnn.com)	(81)
		Proving that trolling may be genetic, Oliver Stone's son announces he converted to Islam--in Tehran  (news.yahoo.com)	(69)
		Mormon Glenn Beck launches "We Are All Catholics Now (but after you die we will proxy baptize you)" movement to protest birth control without copays   (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(459)
		74 million years ago a meteorite crashed into an Iowan town. And it's still causing problems to this day  (desmoinesregister.com)	(87)
		What goes around comes around: Leaked emails expose inner workings of prominent climate change skeptic organisation  (guardian.co.uk)	(422)
(NBC)		Problem: Your neighbor complains about your dogs pooping in his yard. Solution: murder him  (nbcphiladelphia.com)	(95)
(WJBK)		More proof that speed limits are randomly generated by computer programs  (myfoxdetroit.com)	(77)
		You know a sport is second-rate when its "professional" players get arrested for trashing a restaurant... and it's a TGI Friday's  (duluthnewstribune.com)	(41)
		Protip: If you're going to make a career out of funny money, don't expect store clerks to trust you if you look like a clown  (wesh.com)	(9)
(Some Guy)		Flirting with your professor is a common and effective way to get ahead in class. But writing a whole paper about wanting to fark your prof when you're a 56 year old male student will get you a three-semester suspension  (wilx.com)	(61)

(Some Guy)		Challenge: improve this artistic sandwich  (justgoup.ru)	(27)
		School principals should probably have background checks processed on them before they are hired...or this could happen  (ramblingbeachcat.com)	(29)
(Some Guy)		Pro-Life Republicans push to expand the death penalty to include people who, you know, never did any killing  (virginiapolitics.tumblr.com)	(250)
(Some Guy)		Taylor Swift promises no-bra dancing. Or, Taylor Swift promises no bra-dancing. One of those   (todayentertainment.today.msnbc.msn.com)	(75)
		What booty calls, prostitutes, cigars, the Village People have in common? They are all things FBI agents shouldn't text informants about  (washingtonpost.com)	(25)
		The guy in the background of this Olympic swimmer's heartfelt proposal video just steals the show  (sports.yahoo.com)	(51)
		The government didn't regulate banks, and the economy fell. If the government decides to regulate banks, the economy will fall again. Maybe the problem here isn't the government  (huffingtonpost.com)	(150)
		Electric cars prolong a destructive, car-centric lifestyle. And help you pick up socially conscious women. But at least feel guilty about it, OK?  (csmonitor.com)	(234)
		The race to the bottom continues, as Bank of Japan ups the ante on its QE program ahead of schedule. Ben Bernanke's helicopter put on standby  (marketwatch.com)	(7)
		NASA budget slashes Mars funding, leaving future exploration prospects up to a duck with a speech impediment and a predilection for high-powered weaponry  (bbc.co.uk)	(233)
		Thou shalt not worketh on the Sabbath, unless you receiveth twice and one half pieces of silver. And thou shalt vieweth inappropriate content in the classroom through hard wire connections as the good Lord intended. Amen  (torontosun.com)	(36)
(Radio Iowa)		Bill that would have protected Iowa cities against lawsuits over sledding accidents on city property was shot down in the House, meaning Ethan Frome might get that big payout after all  (radioiowa.com)	(20)
		Santorum calls Occupy protesters 'radical element', apparently unaware that the Occupy movement is so 2011  (wrcbtv.com)	(134)
		Nancy Grace screeches the appropriate question, "Who pushed Whitney Houston under water?"  (dailymail.co.uk)	(262)
		Planning a stunt marriage proposal today? Well, the wife of Slashdot's founder, who received one 10 years ago today, has some advice for you  (networkworld.com)	(71)
		You're a K-9 cop out on a call and have to send your dog to take down a robber who is in the country illegally. Do you: a) receive an award, b) accept a promotion, or c) get sentenced to 10 years in federal prison for police brutality?  (myfoxdc.com)	(146)
(Some Guy)		"Any self-important, self-propagating elitist, I will happily bare my buttocks to"  (asiaone.com)	(66)
		Nerd proposes to girlfriend in binary code, wearing Bender mask. Wait, he has a girlfriend?  (news.com.au)	(45)

(The Mercury)		If you are Australia's most notorious hired gun, brag about having killed 19 people, and go by the nickname "Chopper", your son's Little Athletics group probably won't let you anywhere near the starter's pistol  (themercury.com.au)	(39)
(Some Dad With A Gun)		Remember that YouTube Dad who shot daughter's laptop? Apparently some of the local city leaders had a problem with it  (wsoctv.com)	(317)
		Rick Santorum said in his book "radical feminists succeeded in undermining the traditional family and convincing women that professional accomplishments are the key to happiness." But he swears he didn't write it; it was his wife  (theatlanticwire.com)	(210)
		GOP state representative introduces bill banning DUI checkpoints to protect your civil right to drive while shiatfaced. Must be a closet Libertarian  (fox13now.com)	(371)
		The real problem with Google's privacy policy. Wait. There's just one?  (slate.com)	(31)
(CBS Sports)		Former Miami Hurricanes booster unleashes his inner Jack Byrnes, threatens to "take the program down to Chinatown"   (eye-on-collegefootball.blogs.cbssports.com)	(21)
		Ellen Degeneres' recent controversy over her partnership with JC Penney is prompting protests from the LGBT community, presumably over one of their own wearing clothes from JC Penney  (huffingtonpost.com)	(138)
		"Mr Zambrana went into a closet to show Miss Kelley's boyfriend, the Reuger 9mm weapon after morning services." If you're reading this on Fark, you probably know what happened next  (dailymail.co.uk)	(52)
		The economic downturn is just killing us, I mean even GE is shutting down... wait, they're opening three new plants this year? Oh sure, but those are probably overseas and... wait, Mississippi, Alabama and Ohio? Really?  (marketwatch.com)	(22)
		After years of success in insuring the poor in Massachusetts with quality healthcare, the question must be asked: Is Health Care In Massachusetts: 'Abject Failure' Or Work In Progress?  (npr.org)	(79)

		We don't need no stinking perfume: New Hampshire considers ban on fragrance in the workplace to protect asthmatics and allergy sufferers  (foxnews.com)	(227)
		Pharmaceutical companies have slowed or halted production of children's leukemia drug due to high demand. Wait, what?  (abcnews.go.com)	(354)
		This prog rock/black metal mash is sure to wake the great old ones. Ia Ia SHMHC Fhtagn  (youtube.com)	(34)
		If I ever lose my arm, I would want my prosthetic one made from LEGO  (gizmodo.com)	(28)
		Michael Keaton approaches Seth Graeme-Smith, who is writing the Beetlejuice sequel, to reprise his role  (nme.com)	(89)
		"We need a global currency." Isn't Europe already trying this with the Euro? And isn't it proving to be a great failure?  (salon.com)	(144)
(Some Guy)		Man convicted of stealing $50,000 worth of copper wire receives no jail time and is ordered to pay back only $5,000 in restitution, proving once again that crime does indeed pay  (newburyportnews.com)	(93)
		Impromptu Fark meetup on Sunday evening for Houston Farkers. DIT when I get around to it, biatches  (fark.com)	(28)
		We are rapidly approaching the 40th anniversary of the greatest kiss in television history. "Well, what the hell. He said it was in his contract"  (nytimes.com)	(84)

		Finally, scientists have solved one of the most critical and vexing problems, how is ponytail formed?  (news.yahoo.com)	(50)
(Some Guy)		"The mining project gives Joe something to do during those long Saskatchewan winters" just about sums up this article  (autos.sympatico.ca)	(13)
		Bill Murray's competing in the Pebble Beach Pro-Am while wearing a ghillie suit and punting footballs. That's normal (w/video)  (deadspin.com)	(35)
		The National Park Service announced its plans to remove and change the inscription on the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial. Obviously some people have a problem with this  (ajc.com)	(131)

(Neal Page)		You're a female air traveler and there's no female TSA agent to screen you? No problem, there's a bus terminal across town. Buh-bye now  (kdvr.com)	(232)
		Santorum approaches Derpcon 3, claiming Obama is helping Iran obtain nuclear weapons  (haaretz.com)	(111)
		Savannah bans snakes from St. Patrick's Day event. Wait, this was a problem? What the hell, Georgia  (wrcbtv.com)	(40)
		The definitive proof that Han Solo was supposed to shoot first. In the words of a book by, er, George Lucas  (denofgeek.com)	(112)
		You may want to rethink marrying any guy who offers you a Pizza Hut wedding proposal  (foxnews.com)	(20)
		Kris Jenner promotes new female sex aid, leaving Bruce with bewildered frozen expression  (dailymail.co.uk)	(10)
(Some Guy)		National Geographic misrepresented 'Doomsday Prepper' Megan Hurwitt. Producer even offered her $1,000 to shoot her cat on camera  (freethoughtblogs.com)	(104)
(KABC-7)		Authorities announce Madonna stalker walked away from mental hospital a week ago. Still probably couldn't afford Superbowl tickets  (abclocal.go.com)	(4)
		Ralph Nader encounters American Airlines' policy of "the flight's not full, but it's full for you." Promptly tells them they're full of it  (redtape.msnbc.msn.com)	(34)
		Tennis pro Arantxa Sanchez Vicario says $60 million in career earnings are gone, alleges parents' racket took her net profit  (sports.yahoo.com)	(12)
		$5.2b Tappan Zee project gets bids from four qualified contractors, who will keep the $7.1 billion project within its $8.9 billion budget in five years, at which point the $13 billion bridge will cost an estimated $19.6 billion  (blogs.wsj.com)	(23)
		Romanian man accused of hacking into NASA computers would be serious news if Romania had any sort of space program  (reuters.com)	(9)
		Wingnuts: we don't need a protocol droid. Romney: Sir, I've also been programmed for over thirty secondary functions. Wingnuts: What we really need is a droid that understands wharrgarbl. Romney: It's like a second language for me  (nytimes.com)	(92)
		Dedication can often overcome incompetence, but if you've already been shot with your own gun, you probably shouldn't try a second burglary that night  (indianagazette.com)	(4)
		Problem: People are beginning to understand how much their private info is worth and thus, are refusing to give it up to Google. Solution: Google will now pay you to track you completely  (tech.slashdot.org)	(29)
		New study finds 10% of doctors lie to patients, still promise appointments not running late  (abcnews.go.com)	(6)
		Driver rescues students on her elementary school bus after it imitates a kid's science project and melts down  (cnn.com)	(40)

(Some Guy)		Problem: You have a city full of people who have no ability whatsoever to parallel park. Solution: Stop testing parallel parking on the driving test. Ta-Da, problem solved  (dcist.com)	(126)
(Some Guy)		Researchers develop way to scan liquids that may allow travelers to carry on enough vodka to relieve the stress of the TSA screening, Southwest boarding process  (physicsworld.com)	(106)
		DUDE, the guy in full police uniform probably isn't in on the robbery  (ajc.com)	(158)
		Rick Santorum isn't the only politician with a surging Google problem  (latimes.com)	(121)
		U.S. House passes the STOCK Act insider trading bill, without all those pesky insider trading provisions  (huffingtonpost.com)	(91)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop Theme: Inappropriate Products (link goes to inspiration)  (i.huffpost.com)	(31)
		Giants fans were holding more then their breath until after Tom Brady threw that Hail Mary toss according to the Department of Environmental Protection  (nypost.com)	(33)
		Now witness the full power of Mitch McConnell's projection  (politico.com)	(103)
		When articles invoking the Holocaust and urging creative destruction in Iran appear on the same day in the WaPo, WSJ, Newsweek and Bloomberg News, a skeptical observer might be forgiven for suspecting a well-coordinated propaganda campaign  (salon.com)	(430)
		The unintended consequence of the NBA lockout? Proof that a shorter season is much better for players and fans  (slate.com)	(27)
		New Hampshire Republicans propose bill to eliminate workers' lunch breaks. Bills requiring workers to kick puppies and root for Duke still in committee  (thinkprogress.org)	(61)
		New research reveals Himalayan glaciers may not be disappearing at all, probably because they're too difficult for would-be ice thieves to reach  (theregister.co.uk)	(69)
		A dog shows off impressive goal-saving skills. Meanwhile, your cat shows off less impressive evil stare-producing skills  (shortlist.com)	(12)
		Toppling TVs have crushed four Chicago children since October, so clearly it's time to start putting warning labels on these Doom Tubes and maybe start requiring protective gear to watch them  (usatoday.com)	(129)
		Scientists find brains of spiders are so large they fill their body cavities and overflow into their legs, meaning Clock Spider is probably plotting to take over the world  (sciencedaily.com)	(37)
		Attention all: Please join in this protest of Apple's working conditions in hopes to create an "ethical" manufacturing environment - sent from my iPhone  (money.cnn.com)	(56)
		Insiders are selling their stock at almost Gaussian proportions. This is clearly a sign that the end times are near and you should convert your 401(k) to canned goods and ammo  (marketwatch.com)	(14)
		32-megajoule railgun has been delivered to the Navy, is capable of launching a projectile with the force of a 64,000 lb truck travelling at 100MPH. No mention of how many Rhode Islands this translates into  (digitaltrends.com)	(262)
(AmeriCOUNT)		Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) to Newt: You want to hear about the Food Stamp President? He added 18 million people to the program and increased spending in it by $19 Billion. Oh, and by the way, his name was George W. Bush  (americount.org)	(146)
		Sometimes you get bored at work. Sometimes you view porn. Protip: Don't view it in the middle of a rape trial when you're the court clerk  (nbcbayarea.com)	(29)
(Bergen Record)		Protip: Dude, you're supposed to wait until you actually assume your teaching job before making sexytime chat with a twelve-year-old girl  (northjersey.com)	(40)

		Gov. John Kasich, eschewing teleprompters like any good republican, delivers bizarre off-the-cuff speech during which he mocks Parkinson's sufferers, cries like John Boehner, and insults the entire state of California  (huffingtonpost.com)	(102)
(Some Guy)		Winning: The American public's dependence on the federal government shot up 23% in just two years under President Obama, with 67 million now relying on some federal program  (news.investors.com)	(157)
		The pilot of thoroughbred horse racing drama Luck on HBO was missing the traditional ASPCA "no animals were harmed during the filming of this program" blessing. PETA thought you ought to know there's a reason for that  (insidetv.ew.com)	(91)
		The new and improved "Halftime in America" ad from Fiat  (reason.com)	(338)
		Virgin's profit up 30%, and it isn't even their first time  (marketwatch.com)	(10)
		Problem: 87 percent of your schools are failing by your own criteria. Solution: Make scoring 75 percent deserving of an A rating. There, all fixed  (krqe.com)	(103)
		Justified producer Graham Yost sits down for Q&A as to why Justified is so awesome. Interviewer: "There is quite the body count already this season." Graham: "I don't know what you're talking about." (spoilers)  (insidetv.ew.com)	(55)
		NASA solves the problem of what to do with all those damn pennies  (nasa.gov)	(33)
		"Apple's iconic smartphone has almost single-handedly devastated profit margins for Verizon and AT&T"  (money.cnn.com)	(83)
		Selena Gomez in a bikini on the beach...so how you guys liking that Prop 8 ruling?  (dailymail.co.uk)	(116)
		Happy 81st birthday to the late, great James Dean. Be sure to pay tribute by enjoying some of his quality sausage products today  (en.wikipedia.org)	(35)
		Old and busted: Basketball trick shots. New and improved: Bow and arrow trick shots  (youtube.com)	(62)
		After continued mouse to mouse resuscitation, Disney quarterly profits soar another 12%  (latimes.com)	(4)
(wistv.com)		Bank of America has achieved the pinnacle of capitalism. They can repossess your property, foreclose on your home, and now they can kill you without repercussion. Bow to your corporate overlords and pay tribute so that they may let you live  (wistv.com)	(116)
		Mitt Romney's latest proposal has been denounced by TEA party leaders, The Club For Growth, and the US Chamber of Commerce and described as "class warfare". The proposal? Making sure the minimum wage keeps up with inflation  (news.yahoo.com)	(286)
		RIAA CEO, in a thoughtful op-ed on SOPA opponents, fairly points out that they were probably all criminals  (nytimes.com)	(585)

		Seattle is making substantial progress toward becoming a five-sport city  (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(176)
		Vengeful husband sends wife book with bomb inside. What a novel approach  (mirror.co.uk)	(42)
		Mitt Romney blasts the ruling overturning Proposition 8. Not because of the social issues at stake, but because he wasted all that money getting it passed in the first place   (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(311)
(Some Guy)		Calling the Suicide Hotline by mistake is now probable cause to arrest you, trash your house, kill your fish and run up your electric bill  (courthousenews.com)	(218)
		Mmmmmmmm, profits  (marketwatch.com)	(18)
		Proposition 8 goes down  (washingtonpost.com)	(lots)
(Some Guy)		Evangelical Christian Group: If a man busted for a half-gram of cocaine in 1988 still can't get a job in 2010 without involving lawyers, there's a problem with the justice system  (breakpoint.org)	(114)
		BP posts $7.6 billion profit in the fourth quarter and $23.9 billion for 2011, showing it has made a complete recovery from the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Unlike the Gulf of Mexico  (bbc.co.uk)	(74)
(Some Guy)		Fracture Putty promises to revolutionize Jackass and other reality shows  (geek.com)	(34)
		So just how bad was Pete Hoekstra's "yellow menace" Superbowl ad? Let's put it this way: John Pinnette's famous impression of a Chinese buffet owner was probably more culturally sensitive  (politico.com)	(98)
		Five killer whales named as plaintiffs in court case which argues they deserve the same constitutional protection from slavery as humans. SeaWorld: "Cetacean needed"  (bbc.co.uk)	(55)
(Prop8trialtracker)		Will gays be allowed to marry? Can gays legally preside over gay marriage trials? Do proponents of propositions have Federal standing? It's your official 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Prop. 8 thread (Ruling expected 10 am PST)  (prop8trialtracker.com)	(189)
		Mitt Romney comes out from under his rock to prove just how out of touch he really is: in the battle of Komen vs. Planned Parenthood, he's still rooting for Komen  (mercurynews.com)	(61)

		If this sport catches on, our Asian carp problem may soon be over  (liveleak.com)	(69)
(Some Black Guy)		Improv Everywhere introduces Aspen to black people  (improveverywhere.com)	(24)
		Herbicide 'Atrazine' associated with birth defects, low birth weights, and menstrual problems in humans. Study leads to instant ban. Just kidding, it's still the second-most commonly used herbicide in the US  (io9.com)	(33)
		Gizmodo gives props to Fark for directing their attention to an uplifting story about an elevator rescue gone horribly wrong  (gizmodo.com)	(1)
(Some Guy)		Quite possibly the most massively inappropriate movie PR stunt of all time  (moviereviews.co.uk)	(39)
		Romney campaign: The reason why only 33,000 people showed up to vote in Nevada is because everyone else is already satisfied with Romney and didn't need to vote to prove it  (thinkprogress.org)	(139)
		The RCP average of President Obama's job approval rating is now positive for the first time since right after Osama Bin Laden was killed. This is bad news... for Obama  (realclearpolitics.com)	(114)
		Programmer personality types: Coding culture offers no shortage of character. Here are the specs for determining your developer breed  (infoworld.com)	(70)
		Protip: Ditch your coke *before* repeatedly dialing 9-1-1 for your chest pains  (wtsp.com)	(19)

(Some " guy)		If you are going to claim that burglars stole your TV and took it out through a window, it's probably a good idea to take some measurements first  (thisissouthdevon.co.uk)	(25)
(Some Guy)		Passenger thwarted in his attempt to speed up the Southwest Airlines boarding process  (wbaltv.com)	(20)
		The new GOP talking point on the improving economy: "It's because of what Republican governors are doing in their states." So, economy up -- GOP governors. Economy down -- President's fault. Got it?  (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(142)
(Chronicle of Higher Ed)		Not news: Baby tested for fear of rat, dog and monkey. News: Unafraid until accompanied by loud clang. Fark: He was probably autistic, and the shady research psychologists knew it. Ultrafark: The year was 1920  (chronicle.com)	(39)
		When working as a garage attendant, if you park a $400,000 Bentley it's probably best to take the keys with you. FARK: Bentley was owned by college student  (gothamist.com)	(85)
(Some Mississippi Museum)		Meet the grandpappy of today's narco-subs, a Prohibition Era one-man whiskey runner powered by a Model T engine  (exploresouthernhistory.com)	(19)
		Whatever: some writer proposes a headliner for the next Super Bowl halftime show. Fark: it's the one artist we all could agree on  (nydailynews.com)	(92)
		There's a new professional basketball scoring record, as the ABA's Jacksonville Giants win 211-84  (deadspin.com)	(14)
(Some Guy)		Obama's Dilemma: how to dissuade Israel from bombing Iran without alienating pro-Israeli voters in November. So, the Obama admin has told Israel that the U.S. won't support an attack on Iran... quietly  (ipsnews.net)	(247)

		Joe Francis sends Madonna cease and desist letter concerning her "Girls Gone Wild" song. "Mr. Francis has worked tirelessly for an excess of two decades to build his brand and to protect his trademark Girls Gone Wild"  (eonline.com)	(92)
		Further proving that liberals are wholly responsible for voter fraud, the Republican Indiana Secretary State has been personally convicted of six charges of voter fraud   (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(142)
		Driver of parking ticket "spy car" wins court order protecting him from photography  (stuff.co.nz)	(58)
		Pigs pinch pensioner for propagating potted poolside pot plants. Pisser  (upi.com)	(24)
(Some Guy)		Fire rips through candy company during Easter production run: "The amount of chocolate that had melted and was on the floor -- it was hard to move around in there. We had guys covered in chocolate"  (wtae.com)	(77)

		Since they don't get enough attention in this country, Arizona lawmaker proposes a holiday to celebrate white people  (huffingtonpost.com)	(325)
		Photoshop this out of the world probe  (farm6.staticflickr.com)	(32)
		University hires top ninja chief as business-school professor, researching how to apply ninja precepts to business world  (japantimes.co.jp)	(42)
		Betting on any Super Bowl props this year? LGT article with insane list of this year's prop bets  (wtsp.com)	(70)
		Step 1: begin copying photos from a woman's Facebook page and blog, step 2: setup social media accounts and new blog under a new name and post them for months, step 3: profit?  (wral.com)	(111)
		Curt Schilling's 38 Studios proves that some games take even longer than baseball  (networkworld.com)	(57)
		Spokeswoman says that a few thefts by TSA agents shouldn't make us forget all the good that they've done. You could tell the Spokeswoman was a pro, because she managed to say that with a straight face  (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(95)
		Study says Republicans have more orgasms, probably from farking 99% of the population  (thedailybeast.com)	(124)
		Protip: Whenever a news story ends with a question mark, the answer is always "no". Case in point: "Is Bill Belichick quietly the NFL's best-dressed coach?"  (slate.com)	(21)
		Utah prosecutors clear police of all charges for using pepper spray and batons on a group of Polynesian students performing a haka at a football game, because no one in Utah can be expected to have the slightest idea what a haka is  (stuff.co.nz)	(73)
		Sorry Mario, but our profits are in $1 phone apps instead of your $50 castle  (businessweek.com)	(86)
		Some Carson City prostitutes are donating their tips to Ron Paul. Just the tips?  (bloomberg.com)	(33)
(Some Guy)		Susan Komen Foundation introduces pink handguns to promote Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Really  (wisconsingazette.com)	(297)
(Some Guy)		You can tell Valentine's Day is near, because the media has produced the first "ZOMG, PERVERTED CANDY HEARTS" story of the season  (kcra.com)	(44)
		Foundation offers psychic Sally Morgan $1,000,000 to prove that her psychic abilities are real. Sally Morgan instead threatens to sue them...WITH HER MIND  (huffingtonpost.com)	(381)

		House GOP votes unanimously to reject the proposition that the Bush tax cuts added to the deficit. So yeah. Problem solved   (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(115)
		The Super Bowl is not a job creator. Despite what civic boosters say, hosting the big game provides... Wait, what the hell am I looking at?  (salon.com)	(45)
		Newt Gingrich says Brad Pitt should play him in a movie, proving once and for all that Newt Gingrich is clinically insane  (nydailynews.com)	(50)
(DCist)		Three Occupy DC protestors are on the fourth day of a "sleep strike" to protest the Park Police's ban on camping in McPherson Square and the bugs BURROWING UNDER THEIR SKIN  (dcist.com)	(165)
		John Boehner (R) claims providing co-pay free birth control to women is unconstitutional   (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(362)
		Worst job in Science: These physicians injected an average of 20.5 cc using "a back-and-forth technique" into the deep soft tissue layers of the penises of 50 men. The product was then 'homogenized with a roller.'  (bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com)	(82)
		Sub-Zero loses, promptly performs fatalities on 100 jobs  (jsonline.com)	(24)
		How hardcore are bears? They're purposely killing themselves to protest the horror of bile farms  (mnn.com)	(203)
		Angela Merkel to China: "Europe is making fiscal progress." Progress towards financial apocalypse, but progress nonetheless  (marketwatch.com)	(4)
(Some Sappy Byproduct)		Crude tall oil gets the nod for biodiesel production. Well mannered short oil politely declines comment  (yle.fi)	(4)
		Crackers recalled due to egg allergen concerns, white people problems  (reuters.com)	(49)
		Problem: the renters you have in your flat aren't even paying close to the prices with which you could gouge Olympic tourists. Solution: evict the tenants. Wow, that wasn't even really much of a problem, now, was it?  (worldnews.msnbc.msn.com)	(175)
		Obama follows through on promise at town hall meeting to help a woman's husband with his resume-but she's still not sure she's gonna vote for him  (huffingtonpost.com)	(155)
		AR goggle to improve crime scene investigation, too late for Jason  (newscientist.com)	(14)
		Problem: Newt Gingrich needs to woo women voters. Solution: RELEASE THE CALLISTAKEN  (dailymail.co.uk)	(50)
		Pro-tip: If you're going to submit legislation given to you by a shady, secretive lobbying group, then it may be a good idea to remove said lobbying group's mission statement from the legislation text first  (dailykos.com)	(52)
		Santorum tells sick kid who complained about the price of his medicine "People have no problem paying $900 for an iPad, but paying $900 for a drug they have a problem with Why?" Because, of course, people buy a new iPad EVERY MONTH  (abcnews.go.com)	(290)
(The Province)		The Province finds FARK'S clever MMA headline to be the hit of the week  (theprovince.com)	(0)
		Will Seattle get another professional football team? Wait, they already have one?  (blog.seattlepi.com)	(41)
		The NFL has an L of a problem  (myfoxdc.com)	(89)
		California now getting 5% of its electricity from wind. Savvy lawmakers to propose harnessing energy from wild fires, mud slides, earthquakes  (articles.latimes.com)	(27)
(Some Guy)		74-year-old man dies after choking on his dentures while having sex with a 62-year-old prostitute  (asiaone.com)	(85)
		Eight wild proposals to relocate endangered species to locations that aren't my plate  (wired.com)	(11)
		Romney gets glitter-bombed, calls it victory confetti. Edward Cullen stares blankly, possibly approving  (cbsnews.com)	(67)
(Some Guy)		10 Most Epic Tank Battles in Military History. McNamara approved  (militaryeducation.org)	(265)
		Former star of Home Improvement busted on drug possession charges. Nope, not him. Not him, either  (nydailynews.com)	(82)
		Pilot channels his inner Sully and saves airplane after propeller falls off in midflight  (gizmodo.com)	(39)

		Intent on losing all 10 of its customers, Spirit Airlines unveils a new $2 fee to protest a new rule allowing passengers to change their flight without penalty  (cnn.com)	(97)
		Having solved all other problems, Illinois wants to ban texting while biking  (stltoday.com)	(96)
		North Korea's transition has meant a change in hairstyles from bouffant to hipster undercut, but not a change in propaganda. Here's Kim Jong-Un, looking at things  (theatlantic.com)	(126)
		KILL THE CAPS LOCK KEY... and four other modest proposals for improving the contemporary computer keyboard  (slate.com)	(176)
		Problem: Australia infested with invasive African grass that fuels wildfires. Solution: Import elephants and rhinos as lawnmowers  (canada.com)	(113)
		Constitutional "Scholars" in Washington state proposed a bill that would forbid the state government from using any legal tender other than gold and silver coins. At last, those commemorative 9/11 coins will finally be worth something  (thinkprogress.org)	(113)
		Prospective Olympic luger was just underwear company PR stunt  (thelocal.de)	(13)
		The latest home product that can kill you? Your dishwasher  (wxyz.com)	(33)
		Fear Factor producers put gag order on donkey-semen drinking women  (nydailynews.com)	(38)
		FDA Approves first drug for inoperable skin cancer. Still no cure for... Lupus?  (vitals.msnbc.msn.com)	(22)
		Because "Mittens" Romney now has real gloves in the fight, the Secret Service is giving him protection  (abcnews.go.com)	(135)
(Some Guy)		The Federal Government would like to charge pro weed Montana state lawmakers as "conspirators" to sell and distribute medical marijuana  (missoulian.com)	(225)

		Comedian from popular, news-savvy TV show launches Presidential campaign to expose foibles of the political process. No, we're not talking about Stephen Colbert. Come upon my lawn and let me tell you about Pat Paulsen  (rollingstone.com)	(67)
		Economies of midwest states, particularly Michigan, Indiana, Ohio and Pennsylvania, have improved faster than the rest of the U.S. since 2009. Not that this fact has any particular relevance in this particular year  (bloomberg.com)	(171)
		I'm voting for Newt today, just as a protest vote against the sleazy and Nixonian liberal RINO Willard Mittons  (townhall.com)	(164)
		In today's you-can't-make-this-shiat-up news, a pro-Gingrich robocall is claiming Romney forced Holocaust survivors to eat non-kosher food  (huffingtonpost.com)	(206)
		Why Boise State has problems recruiting blue chip players. Word "Idaho" strangely absent  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(59)
		Protip: Before you post your crazy driving antics on YouTube, remember that the police watch the internets, too  (news.com.au)	(82)
		Study finds women are better at parking than men, but only because other cars on the street flee in terror at their approach  (bottomline.msnbc.msn.com)	(31)
(KCCI Des Moines)		Losing your house or car in bankruptcy proceedings can be bad enough but this guy just lost his flock of llamas  (kcci.com)	(37)
(Demon Ocracy)		Wondering just how large the Euro debt problem is? This frightening infographic shows you using 18-wheelers packed with 100 Euro notes  (demonocracy.info)	(142)
		Tomatoes slow prostate cancer, but are incredibly messy to apply  (telegraph.co.uk)	(24)
		US military has developed self-guided bullet that can travel over a mile and change direction before it hits its target. Gene Simmons approves  (digitaltrends.com)	(106)
		About that female douchebag who dumped her cancer boyfriend and took the Super Bowl tickets? Yeah about that. Pro tip guys: You have to meet a woman more than once to consider yourself in a relationship  (dailymail.co.uk)	(85)

		No fallout shelter will protect you and your loved ones from the SEXPOCALYPSE  (io9.com)	(41)
		WPS to cancel its 2012 season because of legal wrangling with an ex-owner, not because it is Women's Professional Soccer  (espn.go.com)	(17)
		Challenge: What war propaganda would look like if the US went to war with Luxembourg  (en.wikipedia.org)	(33)
		Artist tells proposal tale through stop action LEGO video  (abcnews.go.com)	(10)
(Mossad)		US to launch war with Iran in May, says Israeli media with absolutely no personal interest in creating a self fulfilling prophecy  (debka.com)	(134)
(Some Guy)		Protip: when you go to pick up your ten kilogram shipment of cocaine, you should probably wait until you're off duty. And out of your uniform. And not driving your patrol car  (todaysthv.com)	(28)
(SlashGear)		It's yet another article about a Facebook "upgrade" that has people "considering" deleting their profiles. It's like tech writers aren't even trying anymore. Time to feed the dogs, Mr. Pavlov  (slashgear.com)	(65)
		Gingrich denounces the "pro-abortion, pro-gun-control, pro-tax-increase liberal" running for president and he wasn't talking about Obama  (news.yahoo.com)	(184)
		If you break into the CNN newsroom, it's probably best not to use their computers to check your Facebook status  (upi.com)	(38)

		Candidate who was barred from running because she doesn't speak English proficiently vows appeal. At least that's what they think she said, not really sure  (news.yahoo.com)	(227)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this professor with a post-it  (rit.edu)	(27)
		Will the NFC defeat the AFC again? With a decent team around him, will Cam Newton prove he's the best in the world? Will this game matter? WHAR TEBOW, WHAR? It's the NFC All Stars vs. the AFC All Stars in the Pro Bowl, 7 PM ET on NBC  (scores.espn.go.com)	(807)
		Philadelphia city council puzzled at lukewarm reception to its "Have another drink for the kids" proposal  (philly.com)	(20)
		You you own an Apple iProduct? Well, then you are a horrible person and you should feel bad  (cbsnews.com)	(452)
		As Occupy Oakland protesters storm city hall the Oakland cops roll out the tank..wtf a tank ? really?  (dailykos.com)	(395)
		This just in: retailers will pay people to write positive reviews of their products  (consumerist.com)	(35)
(Filmland)		"The Devil Inside" averaged $92 per theater yesterday. Well, this article was written 3 days ago, so that's probably down to...I don't know, $20 maybe  (famousmonstersoffilmland.com)	(98)
		Tyler Perry announces cast for latest Tyler Perry vehicle, Tyler Perry's "Tyler Perry's Witness Protection", starring Tyler Perry, Denise Richards, Tyler Perry, Eugene Levy, and Tyler Perry  (hollywoodreporter.com)	(55)
		100 Occupy protesters learn that an illegal demonstration is when you stick around after the police tell you to move your legal demonstration. Oh, and when you tear down a fence to take over an empty building  (latimes.com)	(224)
(Seattle Weekly)		Irish distillery unveils 65% ABV version of poitin, hopes to export it to USA. "We want to bring Poitín out from the shadows and let Irish people have a national white spirit they can be proud of"  (blogs.seattleweekly.com)	(60)
		Six hugely successful products originally invented for something else. Behold the wonderful mysteries of Listerine  (mentalfloss.com)	(47)
		A New York inmate proves that if you have enough time, you too can figure out how to use the IRS Tax Refund system  (denverpost.com)	(40)
		55-year-old Florida man claiming Indian descent wears war paint, headdresses, and performs sacred dance ceremonies at heritage festivals across the state. Some Native Americans have a problem with this (w/ pic of alleged Indian)  (heraldtribune.com)	(164)