Source	Fark Headline		Comments
(Some Guy)		Wondering if you'll survive the upcoming zombie apocalypse? Here's a handy-dandy flowchart for you to determine the strengths and weaknesses of your survival plan. You do have a survival plan? Oh God, please tell me you have a plan?  (gameinformer.com)	(203)

		The producers of the Captain America movie aren't farking around anymore, they're serious this time. The list to play Cap is down to three people. They think you'll be pleasantly supr...oh Jesus H. Christ, are you farking kidding me?  (slashfilm.com)	(104)
		Dear Google: Will you please buy us out and put us out of our misery? Sincerely, Palm Inc  (money.cnn.com)	(53)
		Here's a tip, just because you have coin operated booths that show 'movies' doesn't make you a cinema. Oh, and here's a bill for all those back taxes you owe, please drive through  (news.yahoo.com)	(17)

Sad Status Quo: Making your opponent in a bylaw debate sound scary by saying you refuse to be identified, claiming "fear of retaliation". Fark: In a debate about a leash-free park. Your dog: Steak, please  (thespec.com)

(30)

(AMC)		Hollywood always gets the future wrong, which is why you're not getting a jet pack or a Nexus-6 basic pleasure model that looks like a young Daryl Hannah  (blogs.amctv.com)	(45)
		Dear Hollywood. Please can we have fewer films with talking CG animals in them now?  (denofgeek.com)	(48)

Amanda Seyfried'S new love scenes with Julianne Moore for the win: "My mom can see whatever she pleases, but I actually gave strict rules to my father to not come"  (starpulse.com)

(59)

(Some Guy)

Judge is displeased with the conditions of prisoners' holding cells so he: a) holds the jailer in contempt of court b) issues an injunction c) scrubs the cells and cleans the toilets himself  (thenational.com.pg)

(58)

Apple COO gets $22 million bonus for doing Jobs' job better then Jobs, and without a turtleneck or that unpleasant douchiness  (macworld.com)

(50)

Puma Man might fly like a moron, but he sure made for one funny episode of MST3K. Did we mention Donald Pleasance hams it up as the villain?  (video.google.com)

(38)

Texas trial judge who declared death penalty unconstitutional: "Um...Please allow myself to overturn...myself"  (blogs.wsj.com)

(86)

(NME)		Lady Gaga's upcoming concert to be in 3D. Please, don't po-po-poke my face with that thing  (nme.com)	(22)
		Obama: It would be ironic if the healthcare debate and my cholesterol took me to the grave. Fox News: MOAR PLEASE  (dailykos.com)	(155)

		Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-awhide) breaks down and cries about health care like the little girl he is: "Please, don't do this -- just, please"  (abcnews.go.com)	(251)
		Remember the "Family Values" Republican who got arrested drunk driving outside of a gay club? Well it turns out he IS gay, but that's not your business, so please don't ask him about it  (sfgate.com)	(206)

"Your honor, that man is a monster. He assaulted that poor little snowflake." "I call BS, the kid is a brat. Charges dismissed and will the deputy please escort said brat to the slammer."  (nzherald.co.nz)

(159)

(Some Guy)

And the nerds will look up and shout "Please don't try to make a Watchmen sequel," and Hollywood will whisper, "No"    (ijustwanttofitin.com)

(174)

(Some Guy)

Boston St Patrick's Day Pub Crawl 2010. March 13th. 1pm. DIT. LGT Facebook event. Please leave your mooninites at home  (thefieldpub.com)

(75)

(wcnc)		Animal control: Your dogs got loose and you can get them back when you fix your fence. Dog owner: fence is fixed, can I have my dogs please? Animal Control: ummm, yeah, about that  (wcnc.com)	(256)
		Caption this 16th century inscription. No, really. Please  (dailymail.co.uk)	(177)

(Some Guy)

Sen. Bunning's office inundated with respectful, calm pleas from lefties to change his position. Just kidding; they're receiving bomb threats  (gatewaypundit.firstthings.com)

(304)

Gorillaz produce album after 5-year hiatus, releases it to NPR for your listening pleasure  (npr.org)

(32)

Canada sets record for most Gold by host nation. Please be so kind as to suck it...world  (ctvolympics.ca)

(154)

		Obama calls for bipartisanship. doo, DOO, DOOP "I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please check the number and dial again."  (upi.com)	(74)
		43-inch curved monitor. Yes, please. (with video goodness)  (engadget.com)	(29)

(Some National Guard Guy)

The National Guard does not go door to door looking for new recruits. Please, make a note of it  (gwinnettdailypost.com)

(63)

		Please call 1-800-TIPS to report suspicious behavior, including but not limited to; faceless men, human-turtle hybrids, over-sized band-aid bandits, the undead homeless, or Burt Reynolds circa 1979  (huffingtonpost.com)	(73)
		Another youth athletic league decides games would be a lot more pleasant without parents  (boston.com)	(32)

		Newt Gingrich: Let's work together until we finish defeating the left and then we won't have to work with them as much  (news.yahoo.com)	(28)
		Yet another reason to avoid taking a cruise: over 450 crew members and passengers came down with very...unpleasant symptoms  (consumerist.com)	(103)

Dear Fark, please help me understand why this video has 52 million views. Love, submitter  (youtube.com)

(60)

		You: "I think I'm having a heart attack. Please send an ambulance." 911 operator: "Will that be cash or credit?"  (cbs13.com)	(172)
(Some Nauseated Guy)		If you had 'less than a day' in the 'how long until the Teabaggers canonize Andrew Joseph Stack' pool, please collect your tea bag  (americablog.com)	(447)

"Please 'Feed The Children' now. For every dollar you donate, twenty three cents will go a child of your choice"  (cbsnews.com)

(141)

New suvery discovers most men would prefer to marry a woman with a pleasant nature than a supermodel. In other news, most men are taking surveys with their wives standing right next to them  (dailymail.co.uk)

(146)

In memory of Bufu, please join the DC Farkers at 5pm on Saturday the 13th  (fark.com)

(148)

		Glenn Beck: Teabaggers may eventually need to secede, take Alaska and join Russia  (mediamatters.org)	(208)
(Some Guy)		Before the Recession: Credit Counselor, "How may I help you?"; During the Recession: Credit Counselor, "Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed"  (journaltimes.com)	(54)

Obama's plea of bipartisanship really means "do it my way or you are engaging in obstinacy" which is the exact same thing his last four predecessors said. Welcome to Change Country  (cbsnews.com)

(243)

		If you guessed today's WTF was a stuffed tiger and a rabbit in black-face playing The Ventures on ukelele and melodica, please claim your prize  (youtube.com)	(14)
(The Daily Beast)		"Thank you for your service, Justice Ginsburg, and good luck in your retirement. But before you go, please join me in welcoming your replacement, Justice Hillary Clinton"  (thedailybeast.com)	(249)
(Some Bad Pilot)		This plane crash was an unauthorized landing. Please, please remember to get prior authorization before crashing your plane into people's yard. Thank you  (gwinnettdailypost.com)	(45)

Lady Gaga in pants and no makeu-GAAAAAAH, please resume blasting your face with the makeup gun set to "Whore," thank you  (dailymail.co.uk)

(88)

		Arcade Fire licenses song to the Super Bowl to help numb people to the Haiti disaster  (pastemagazine.com)	(13)
		Please stay healthy, Justice Kennedy: Supreme Court justices John Paul Stevens and Ruth Bader Ginsburg may step down soon to let Obama appoint their liberal replacements  (abcnews.go.com)	(150)

Look, we know you Yanks get bent out of shape over drugs but would you please stop arresting our elderly on decades-old pot charges?  (ctv.ca)

(111)

Missing person media panic checklist: Teenager? ☑ Female? ☑ Missing on vacation in foreign country? ☑ Caucasian with blonde hair? Um... sorry, no media panic, nothing to see here, move along  (detnews.com)

(120)

(The Pulse)

If you're going to drink, please don't drive. And if you're going to smoke pot, speed up and get the hell out of the way. Oh, and don't carry around 100 pounds of pot, either  (chattanoogapulse.com)

(34)

		In honor of Farker bufu, please join us on February 13th to celebrate his life  (fark.com)	(92)
		Sandra Bullock hires pet detective. Alllll-Righty then  (contactmusic.com)	(41)

		TotalFarker Bufu died over the weekend. Please raise a glass of the finest bourbon you can find. Better if you can do it from a hot tub or with your dog. LGT TF'er profile  (fark.com)	(697)
		Two crocodiles, named Paleo and Suchus, have been taught to listen for their names being called. This could come in handy; for instance: "Please let go of my leg, Paleo" or "No, no, Suchus, you're mangling my arm"  (telegraph.co.uk)	(32)

Your honor, if the FBI had warned me I was a suspect I would have told more convincing lies so could I have a do-over please?  (bostonherald.com)

(28)

Dear George Lucas: For the love of all that is Holy, would you please stop farking around with the original trilogy already?  (dailymail.co.uk)

(279)

(azfamily.com)

Could somebody please explain to me how this global warming is supposed to work again because there's currently a blizzard watch for southern Arizona  (azfamily.com)

(534)

		If you were murdered would you please contact the Calgary police, they would like a word with you  (cnews.canoe.ca)	(33)
		As the Incredible Hulk attacks Moses, SpiderMan rescues Eve from...What????  (orlandosentinel.com)	(53)

China follows up on Google's gmail-hackery-hissy-fit with a hearty "F*ck You Very Much, We'll Hack Whomever's Account We Please"  (msnbc.msn.com)

(115)

Caption this pleased Pelosi  (online.wsj.com)

(89)

(Some Guy)		Free to a good home: one eight-foot grizzly with compulsive self-pleasure habit, one automated pimp, and one sharp-tongued miniature Pinscher  (thrfeed.com)	(93)
		Please take a molement to read the DailyKos Saturday hate mail bag  (dailykos.com)	(90)
		Woman crosses state lines, decency, to have sex with 13-year old boy in outhouse. With "oh, I'm so fired" mugshot  (billingsgazette.com)	(92)
		Blue Cheer song that isn't 'Summertime Blues' for once: "Doctor, Please" from '68 Vincebus Eruptum  (youtube.com)	(14)

		Welcome to scenic New Hampshire, your winter vacation destination. Please don't breathe the air  (news.bostonherald.com)	(20)
		Coldplay sued by yet another musician who claims they have stolen three of his songs. Please form an orderly queue behind Joe Satriani and Cat Stevens  (tmz.com)	(16)
		North Carolina man gets $50k fine, one year in prison for selling: c) Ginseng. Mission Accomplished  (charlotteobserver.com)	(78)

		American aid worker trapped in the rubble of her house after the Haitian earthquake has been saved-by her husband. Which means he can leave his dirty socks anywhere he damn well pleases from now on  (abcnews.go.com)	(176)
(NBC Sports)		Recently canned Seattle Seahawks coach Jim Mora has a few pleasant on-air words for incoming coach Pete Carroll. And by "pleasant", I mean that he calls him a cheater (with video)  (profootballtalk.nbcsports.com)	(33)
		On my left (link), to my right (comments), this is "My Paradise" by the Outfield. Not only is hearing a lost power-pop classic its own reward, but they threw in a hot brunette for our viewing pleasure  (youtube.com)	(53)

Honey, it's cold in here. Could you please put the grill in the living room and fire it up?  (tampabay.com)

(113)

(Fosters.com)

Dear God, If you don't want to have the church painted, please give me a sign. Amen  (fosters.com)

(42)

(Troy Messenger)		If anybody can make hide or hair out of this story, please post to the right  (troymessenger.com)	(182)
		If you had dirt on a celebrity, would you try to sell it? Subby has video of Drew drinking *in public*. Cash offers only, please  (cbsnews.com)	(17)

		Balloon dad now claims that the claim that the stunt was a hoax was a hoax and that he claims he pled guilty to save his wife and can TLC do a documentary on that for him please?  (msnbc.msn.com)	(55)
		The Sweet perform their glam-rock hit Ballroom Blitz. No, Krokus did the cheesy-cool metal cover in the 1980s, and Tia Carrere covered it in Wayne's World, and someone ripped off STOMP with it on America's Got Talent. Lawn. Off. Please  (youtube.com)	(75)

Without a doubt, the finest Folk/Acoustic rendition of "Baby Got Back" that you'll ever hear (song lyrics probably Not safe for work...yet sound pleasing)  (youtube.com)

(36)

Dear Dad: Thanks for paying for my graduate school. I couldn't have done it without you, so please come to my graduation. But don't bring your skanky girlfriend. Kthxbai  (washingtonpost.com)

(345)

Rick Warren got $2.4 million instead of the $900,000 he asked for. Hallelujah, it's a miracle  (msnbc.msn.com)

(220)

Did Americans get any healthier over the past decade? (please use your dialing wand to indicate your response)  (news.aol.com)

(76)

"It isn't just that that no one has cut Obama any slack. World leaders seem to be taking pleasure in rebuffing him, disappointing him, even, in some cases, mocking him."  (slate.com)

(289)

If you take a penalty in Vancouver, please try to ingore the green, spandex-clad men next to the penalty box  (youtube.com)

(91)

Study shows young Swedish women more likely to have sex with each other. At last, a sensible application of statistical analysis  (thelocal.se)

(652)

Returning players for the 2010 New York Yankees, please step forward. Not so fast, Melky Cabrera  (abcnews.go.com)

(72)

Pete Doherty exits court after being convicted of DUI, only to have the police handcuff him and walk him across the street to jail on drug charges. Taa-daa (pics)  (dailymail.co.uk)

(17)

Man jailed for killing wife with TV remote. Large volume of pleas for leniency through the proper channels meet with muted response  (bbc.co.uk)

(74)

		This is what happens when you give a basement dweller a keytar. Please don't give basement dwellers keytars  (youtube.com)	(72)
		'Green' vibrators promise sustainable pleasure. Article says nothing about emissions  (news.yahoo.com)	(146)

		Charlize Theron has casting couch horror stories from when she first came to Hollywood at age 19. Oh, please, dear God, let there be pictures  (contactmusic.com)	(104)
		"Please have a heart and donate...so I don't have to kill you and put your head on a pike"  (cracked.com)	(47)

(AnnArbor.com)		Guy who landed on sex offender registry for having sex with his 15 year-old girlfriend when he was 17 now faces a year in jail for playing basketball in his own driveway  (annarbor.com)	(348)
		Starting in February, Lil Wayne will finally be headed to the place he belongs: prison  (contactmusic.com)	(47)
		Drinking tea and coffee 'can prevent Type 2 diabetes'... 1 large Caramel Brulee Frappuccino Blended Crème whip, please  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(122)
		Dubai blew through their $10 billion allowance from Abu Dhabi in 24 hours. "More, please."  (bloomberg.com)	(54)

So, apparently Indiana has a football team; and that team broke the record 21 wins in a row yesterday. Boring, I know. Can we please get back to what the Saints and Vikings are doing?  (sports.yahoo.com)

(78)

		Dear Congressman, your office is too inconveniently located for us to protest at. Please move it to a better location so we can more easily call you a Marxist. Sincerely yours, teabaggers  (thehill.com)	(74)
		The Ecclesiastical Insurance Carol Singing Guide would like to remind you that, as you spread your holiday message of good tidings and cheer, you should not sing in the middle of the street and, please, try to avoid setting yourself on fire  (telegraph.co.uk)	(12)

If you had the Chiefs, Raiders, and Browns beating the defending champion Pittsburgh Steelers in the same season, please collect your winnings  (scores.espn.go.com)

(160)

(Super)

Time Magazine's best comic of the decade? The Ultimates from Marvel. Whiny, indie hipsters to the right please  (bleedingcool.com)

(115)

		Does Iron Man 2 = Spider-Man 3? Oh, please God no  (io9.com)	(105)
(Some Guy)		TFette's baby was born with heart problems; we've watched his progress and were sad to see him finally pass away last Tuesday. There's a new angel up there but the medical bills remain here; please donate a little bit if you can  (ichuckpens.info)	(434)

(Ric Romero)		Ric Romero has a fan page on Facebook, it's woefully unpopulated. Please help and become a fan, this man is a legend -Drew  (facebook.com)	(912)
		Eva Green wishes her lesbian sex scene in Cracks would have been dirtier. "The love scene is soft-I wanted to go even further." Dear God, won't someone please think of the kittens?  (showbizspy.com)	(101)

Virgin Galactic SpaceShipTwo unveiled on Monday. Aisle seat please. (looks at climategate and health care) One way please  (space.com)

(47)

		If you notice an eight-foot red weather balloon today while you're driving around, please let Fark know (Last reminder for anyone who missed the previous threads)  (fark.com)	(555)
		"Judge nixes please for man, who's accused of hosting racy underage drinking party, and sneds him to prison for stalking." Proofreading is only for print media these days?  (mcall.com)	(29)

For decades its residents would have been pleased to inform you that all life on Earth probably started in Canada, but now there may be science to prove it  (canada.com)

(42)

Sir, enclosed please find $50 you kindly gave me after I unsuccessfully tried to rob your store with a bat. Your rifle was very scary. I now have a job and a child. Yours truly, Reformed Thug  (bostonherald.com)

(99)

"The pub has become just another dispiriting example of how we have opted for mediocrity and uniformity"  (news.stv.tv)

(29)

		Lobbyist charged in corruption case told judge his incriminating email messages shouldn't be used against him because they were meant to be private  (boston.com)	(41)
		Reverend Horton Heat covering Black Sabbath? Yes, please  (youtube.com)	(26)

		Banks discover that consumers are reducing credit card use, turning to debit cards instead. Banks are so pleased that they invent new fees and restrictions to celebrate  (money.cnn.com)	(57)
		If you are the person who stole more than 1,000,000 bees, please return them as it is nearly pollination season  (nzherald.co.nz)	(74)

(Some Guy)

School board expels student for having legally possessed, unloaded shotguns off school property. In other news, schools are using dogs to search parked cars anywhere they damn well please, because it's for the children  (chicoer.com)

(256)

Dear spambots, please describe love in exactly 200-words  (techeblog.com)

(35)