Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		It was a giant penis with water shooting out. Parents were rushing their children away from it so they would not have to explain why grown men wearing fur were drinking the white fluid and dancing in it, too  (news10.net)	(191)

FCC's new broadband plan will make the Internet faster and cheaper and more ubiquitous, make your children sit up straight, and get the crabgrass out of your lawn  (npr.org)

(40)

		Apologist on the U.S. Catholic Church's child abuse problem: 4% of priests abused children, sure, but that may be less of a problem than for almost any other profession (without citing data)  (guardian.co.uk)	(114)
		One in ten British children believe that the Queen invented the telephone. The remaining 90% think that she will, she will, rock you    (news.bbc.co.uk)	(95)

		House Democrats tell Stupak that they can't pass his amendment because "more children will be born, and therefore it will cost us millions more." Asinine tag stands in for non-existent Double Facepalm tag  (corner.nationalreview.com)	(166)
		Today's needless fearmongering article to parents: going down a slide with your child on your lap can break their leg  (oregonlive.com)	(98)

		Thieves steal beloved hamster from school for children with autism. Students describe hamster as 18.375 cm long, weighs 197.901 grams, eats 10.34 grams of sunflower seeds per day, and has 15,728 hairs on its body    (nydailynews.com)	(95)
(wusa9.com)		Parents upset that children's TV network will air a show at 8PM which covers pole dancing, sex, violence, and a family dog that has "an extraordinarily large anus"  (wusa9.com)	(105)
		Sydney school discovers that they really shouldn't be keeping autistic children in cages. I don't think so. No. Definitely not  (news.com.au)	(135)
		James Brown's bastard child is desperately searching for the Godfather of Soul's earthly remains, hot tub  (contactmusic.com)	(14)

		Research shows, Problem Children twice as likely to suffer chronic pain as adults. Karma tag sleeping peacefully  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(64)
		Jeff Garcia: So what if I'm 40 and a focus of gay rumors even though I fathered two children with a centerfold. Someone hire me as an NFL QB  (www2.tbo.com)	(49)

		Arizona set to wipe out government services for thousands of children and poor. In the name of Jesus  (azcentral.com)	(252)
		What better place to allow an exemption to the smoking ban then at the indoor benefit boxing match for children without health insurance  (myfoxdc.com)	(25)

Roman Polanski's wife is very upset that her pedo husband has been jailed, interfering with his ability to keep her and their children rich beyond their wildest dreams  (aolnews.com)

(271)

Achievement Unlocked: Leaving your infant daughter to die of neglect because you're too busy raising a virtual child online. Bonus: Both parents arrested and charged  (videogames.yahoo.com)

(177)

Pop singer Shakira given a medal by the UN for her her work helping impoverished children, and her achievements in the field of having a sweet, sweet, ass  (aolnews.com)

(234)

		We arm the world/We arm the children/We want the world to be a deader place/So let's start killin'  (aolnews.com)	(114)
		What your children will learn in history class: "Single-term President Barack Obama sacrificed his second term to push Health Care through Congress for the benefit of the American people"  (reuters.com)	(392)
		It may be acceptable to bring your child to work, but you shouldn't let your child actually perform your job. Especially if you're an air traffic controller  (reuters.com)	(186)
		River overflows its banks, meter maid sees half-submerged cars. He immediately: (a) jumps in to rescue child, (b) donates money to help victims, (c) places tickets on the flooded cars  (express.co.uk)	(72)

		Study suggests parents should treat their children with same respect as pets  (time.com)	(117)
		Children who watch those Baby Wordsworth tapes don't actually learn any words  (time.com)	(111)
		Apple is proud to announce that from now on, its devices will not be maufactured by any child laborers or other abused workers  (news.smh.com.au)	(64)

		Dancing toddler: 1, Greedy corporation abusing copyright law: 0  (arstechnica.com)	(43)
		Kate Gosselin will be on "Dancing With the Stars," but "will do most of her practicing near her Pennsylvania home because she insists on putting her children first"  (radaronline.com)	(49)
		The takeover of Hollywood by smug, sneering liberals hellbent on preaching moral depravity to our children can be traced back to one pivotal, earth-shattering event: The cancellation of "Murder She Wrote"  (bighollywood.breitbart.com)	(130)
		Sharon Osbourne hates the "hurtful" criticism directed at her children's appearances. Well, if you'd teach fatty and the troll to keep out of tabloids, then nobody would make fun of them  (contactmusic.com)	(24)
(NY Magazine)		In the roles she plays, Helena Bonham Carter scares small children, although not as much as she scares fashion designers with the clothes she wears in real life  (nymag.com)	(55)
		Novelist says girls are ready to have children and run a household by age 14  (smh.com.au)	(330)

		Sharon Osbourne says kids today are a bunch of attention whores who are doomed because they think only fame can bring wealth and happiness  (dailymail.co.uk)	(23)
		School officials are sick and tired of watching those sexy, juicy children all day  (telegram.com)	(181)

Gary Busey welcomes his third child into the world, does not eat him  (yourtango.com)

(35)

VA Republican who said that disabled children are a punishment from God for prior abortions is upset that people have misconstrued his statements to mean he believes that disabled children are a punishment from God for prior abortions  (washingtonpost.com)

(66)

Webcam software maker says that spying on naked school children should be left to the professionals  (computerworld.com)

(114)

(Delaware online)		Grand jury indicts man in 103 child rapes. That's 471 charges in all. And if you don't believe that's possible don't worry, he videotaped it  (delawareonline.com)	(533)
(Some Guy)		Virginia Republican says disabled children are God's punishment for women having abortions  (newsleader.com)	(228)

Women passes away at 93 leaving 15 children, 200 grandchildren and 2000 great-grandchildren. Funeral procession to be one hearse and 317 Suvs    (nytimes.com)

(215)

(Some Guy)		Man insists he didn't shoot his kid with a BB gun, and besides, he didn't think it was loaded, and besides that all the kids got shot with BBs when he was a kid  (billingsgazette.com)	(53)
		Not News: Parents ban their 6 children from technology. Fark: Picture of their house looks like it is out of Lemony Snicket  (dailymail.co.uk)	(224)

"Please 'Feed The Children' now. For every dollar you donate, twenty three cents will go a child of your choice"  (cbsnews.com)

(141)

		Teen with brass balls pulls woman, two children from car stuck on tracks moments before train smashed into it  (sacbee.com)	(112)
(NORML)		CBS: Black children are an endangered species ad? Greenlight. Anti-abortion SuperBowl ad? Greenlight. Ad saying legalizing pot will bring in billions in taxes? Nope... too contentious an issue  (blog.norml.org)	(236)

		Tori Spelling (who became famous because her rich daddy had her nose fixed, boobs enhanced and put her on his TV show) writes a children's book encouraging kids to be happy being themselves  (usatoday.com)	(41)
		Children love BJ's  (metrowestdailynews.com)	(12)

Obese Children Twice as Likely to Die Before 55, so remember teasing the fat kid is for his own good  (abcnews.go.com)

(161)

Sen. Scott Brown (R-ino) shops around his idea for a children's coloring book to explain his rise to power  (boston.com)

(116)

Study shows older women have higher risk of having autistic children.... because the vaccines multiply over time in the woman's body states Dr. Jennifer McCarthy MD, PhD  (cnn.com)

(198)

		From the Children's Television Workshop, it's the intro to the best tv show ever: 3-2-1 Contact  (youtube.com)	(54)
		This week's award for naming a children's website the same as a gay fetish porn site goes to:  (theregister.co.uk)	(44)

		Canadian team thrusts forward observation, nailing homosexuals as exceptionally skilled at rearing children, plowing into Christian rhetoric  (examiner.com)	(52)
		Shark attack victim was a veteran windsurfer, good husband to his wife, loving father to his children, pal to his friends, and chum to shark    (cbsnews.com)	(118)

		Gay superstar race car driver Jeff Gordon is expecting his second cover-up child  (indystar.com)	(32)
		Children are reminded not to take candy from strangers. Even if they have delicious Skittles® and Starburst® candies  (nj.com)	(54)

(wtsp.com)

"Before she left she specifically told him do not shoot the BB gun around the children." Florida tag should give the ending away  (wtsp.com)

(60)

(My Fox Phoenix)

Prison rehabilitates offenders, as proven by man who served four years for sex abuse and crimes against children, and is now a counselo... just kidding, he raped two underaged girls the day he was released and is now looking at 45 years  (myfoxphoenix.com)

(384)

Far be it from us to cast aspersions on the quality of the US education system, but while your kids are competing in spelling bees, Australian children have a contest which tests their knowledge of advanced neuroscience  (news.com.au)

(128)

Kids falling out of fewer trees, getting more repetitive strain injuries from playing video games. With picture of what a video game might look like  (thesun.co.uk)

(68)

		Ten percent of children realize that they are not precious, will not amount to anything in the future, and cause their parents to drink heavily  (dailymail.co.uk)	(141)
		When you've been busted taking photos of naked children at the local park, telling police you are "obsessed with circumcision" probably won't help your case  (news.com.au)	(35)
		London police detain children's TV show presenters under anti-terrorism laws. Because terrorists dress in techincolor armor & wield hairdryers covered in glitter. OK, maybe the gay ones  (upi.com)	(21)

Graco to recall 1.5 million baby strollers after children injure fingers, fail to save on car insurance  (google.com)

(72)

(Las Vegas Sun)

Kid Rock celebrates his 39th birthday in Vegas with a-paralyzed Iraq War vet. Now that's pretty cool, actually  (lasvegassun.com)

(48)

		Field trip to bucolic country farm is ruined when the children are attacked by a rabid calf  (baltimoresun.com)	(42)
		Avatards doom their children to a life of living the blues  (thesun.co.uk)	(109)

		Nanny State Airlines has a policy that bans male passengers from sitting next to children they don't know. "I was made to feel like a criminal in front of other passengers"  (dailymail.co.uk)	(262)
(Some Guy)		Third Circuit Court of Appeals to decide whether children can be charged with possession of child pornography for having naked pictures of themselves  (post-gazette.com)	(208)

Medical decisions should be between you and your doctor... and the hospital's lawyers who get a court order forcing three months bed rest away from your two small children  (abcnews.go.com)

(213)

Head of PBS says that TV stations are violating the Children's Television Act by showing too many commercials I WANT A GI JOE NIGHT RAVEN AND A TRANSFORMER  (hollywoodreporter.com)

(53)

		Things are so bad for Tobey Maguire that he has to don his Spider-Man costume and play for childrens' parties  (contactmusic.com)	(64)
		Heavy metal found in children's jewelry. Levels of POISON deemed BIOHAZARD to kids. May cause MEGADETH in large doses. Chinese blame DAMN YANKEES for RATTing them out. Officials to take EXTREME measures, may issue WARRANTs for arrest  (kansascity.com)	(249)

Woman who claimed Keanu Reeves was the father of her four adult children now claims Keanu used hypnosis to change the test results. Woah  (contactmusic.com)

(31)

Following several years studying E*Trade commercials, researchers find new ways to teach children language at a younger age  (abcnews.go.com)

(26)

New book by Osama Bin Laden's children reveal a cruel father who routinely beat his kids, killed theIr pets in poison gas experiments, and asked them to go on suicide missions  (abcnews.go.com)

(188)

		Mom of nine children: "I was sterilized against my will"  (bostonherald.com)	(803)
		SLC Mayor: Let's put bars in neighborhoods that people can walk to. Mormons & MADD: Think of the children  (cnn.com)	(157)

Research shows smacked children do better in life, have faster reflexes  (telegraph.co.uk)

(280)

(WOAI)

It is now illegal to talk on cell phones while driving through school zones in Texas. Apparently somebody did finally think of the children  (radio.woai.com)

(120)

It's the Granddaddy of them all and its more important illegitimate children: New Year's Day Bowl Discussion Thread  (espn.go.com)

(1767)

Celebrities aren't the only ones who enjoy inflicting challenging names on their children, just ask Crystal Sunshine Turpin Lemons  (today.msnbc.msn.com)

(199)

Someday you will be able to tell your children how we enjoyed free TV, before the days of paying a $50 monthly fee to watch Maury scare a woman with pickles  (hosted.ap.org)

(124)

Customizable stuffed animal franchise "Build-A-Bear" is a worldwide communist front organization run by Carbonhagen environazis for the purpose of brainwashing your children into believing the Global Warming scam  (bighollywood.breitbart.com)

(157)

(Some Kalamazooian)

Catholic school forces children to write Christmas letters to Jesus, not Santa, ensuring they learn what Christmas is all about  (mlive.com)

(316)

(PDN)		Kids in Uganda are building cameras out of cow dung. Cameras are pieces of crap that take sh*tty pictures, but only cost squat to make  (pdnpulse.com)	(11)
		Study finds 1 in 110 children has autism study finds  (msnbc.msn.com)	(204)
		No, the local Kinko's is not going to print those naked pictures of young children for you  (consumerist.com)	(369)

(wigantoday)

Elf and safety concerns at Santa's Grotto sees children turned away in tears  (wigantoday.net)

(56)

		Howard Dean: Kill the Senate health care bill, sell its women and children into slavery, salt the fields so it never crops up again, and start over in the House  (politico.com)	(263)
		Children and jobless stoners rejoice as Nickelodeon orders 26 more episodes of "SpongeBob SquarePants"  (nydailynews.com)	(78)

Priest dressed as Santa banned from delivering presents to children at an immigration asylum because some feared he was a security threat  (telegraph.co.uk)

(46)

"Children see that ad and they think we'd better leave beer for Santa instead of cookies and milk. I don't approve of it"  (torontosun.com)

(81)

		Amanda Peet has her second child at 37. In other news, Amanda Peet is 37, which makes subby feel so very old  (people.com)	(76)
		FTC report includes five recommendations for keeping kids safe in virtual worlds; surprisingly, "parental supervision" did not make the list  (gamepolitics.com)	(22)
		Elin to stay with Tiger "for the kids", which is trophy-wife code for "we have a prenup and I'll only get $20 million of his $1 billion"  (nydailynews.com)	(127)

Scottish babysitter does the "I've fallen and I'm too drunk to get up" thing. In traffic. Dropping the toddler she's watching, and overturning the stroller full of booze  (news.stv.tv)

(63)

Lindsay Lohan departs the US to do a documentary in India on impoverished children who are so poor they don't even have enough money to buy a gram of blow  (nypost.com)

(20)

IRS audits single mom for being too poor for Seattle, decides her children do not legally exist  (seattletimes.nwsource.com)

(224)

		Five children go 11 days without food while mother makes no effort to look for job: "We were supposed to wait for God to provide and that's what we did"  (nj.com)	(202)
(Some Guy)		Listen my children and you shall hear: the midnight ride of the mystery meth tweeker of good cheer  (deathby1000papercuts.com)	(25)
		The man Obama is entrusting with our childrens' education wants to force them to read books about boys fondling each other's genitals and watch plays about a Godless homosexual "Satan" Claus  (michellemalkin.com)	(259)

(News-Gazette)

Power of Fark combines with power of attorney to touch children. Wait  (news-gazette.com)

(170)

Just in time for the holiday not-news Mad Lib season, it's the top ten (noun) TOYS that will (verb) KILL your (noun) CHILDREN  (orlandosentinel.com)

(69)

		Burglar patiently explains to residents' children that "Obama let him in" while taking a shower  (nwfdailynews.com)	(97)
		The 40,000 British parents who home-school their children may be required to undergo a criminal background check to qualify them to teach their children  (dailymail.co.uk)	(214)

		New screening system put in place to ease the number of calls received by the Department of Children and Families hotline manages to prevent calls regarding sexual abuse, neglect, and attempted murder  (miamiherald.com)	(61)
(Some Guy)		Toyota "Urban Cruiser" fails European crash tests after leaving testing center and offering candy to neighborhood children  (autospies.com)	(26)
		"Our children...have been raised with a sense of entitlement: Not providing a PlayStation3 is tantamount to child abuse."  (washingtonpost.com)	(163)

		Santa Claus fired for making children cry at a Christmas tree lighting event. "He was inept, sullen and incommunicative"  (dailymail.co.uk)	(62)
		Small manufacturers claim tough new U.S. toy safety rules are putting them out of business, ask when people are going to stop thinking about the children  (abcnews.go.com)	(48)

		Stealing £315,000 from your quadruple amputee niece's trust fund to buy vacations and jewelry is no way to save your marriage  (dailymail.co.uk)	(74)
(iAfrica)		You're a cop, and your daughter dies in the hospital. Do you A) mourn, B) establish a scholarship in her honor, or C) go nuts and tear-gas the children's ward?  (news.iafrica.com)	(44)
		The letter coldly outlined the parents' choices: start paying rent or we throw your children in the trash or use them for medical experiments  (boston.com)	(99)

		Scientists have now created a baby bottle that heats itself up in 60 seconds. A perfect gift for parents who can't be troubled to spend that kind of time on their children  (dailymail.co.uk)	(148)
		Royal Caribbean unveils first child tracking system that lets parents avoid...errr, I mean, track their children  (usatoday.com)	(16)

Scientists witness grandma macaques intervening to take care of grandchildren in place of incompetent or missing parents, primate behavior never before seen outside of Homo sapiens trailerparkensis  (news.bbc.co.uk)

(19)

Obama unleashes massive scheme to turn children into nerds. D10 manufacturers rejoice  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)

(92)

(Marietta Daily Journal)		Georgia's Supreme Court made it legal for 16-year-olds to fark their teachers last year, but wouldn't you know it, some party-poopers are trying to change that. Why won't they think of the children?  (mdjonline.com)	(60)
(Some Guy)		School board expels student for having legally possessed, unloaded shotguns off school property. In other news, schools are using dogs to search parked cars anywhere they damn well please, because it's for the children  (chicoer.com)	(256)

		Toddler falls into baptismal font. To answer the obvious question: Yes, he was saved    (blog.al.com)	(70)
		What happens when the irresistable force of "think of the children" meets the immovable object of "not in my backyard"?  (nj.com)	(110)
		Signs that say "Pray for Obama Psalm 109:8", might look like a lovely sentiment until you read the verse ""Let his days be few; and let another take his office, Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow"  (features.csmonitor.com)	(262)

Canadian couple gets so tired of their children's excessive homework that they actually do something about it  (guardian.co.uk)

(427)