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Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		♫ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, His name is my name, too. ♪ Whenever we go out, The people always shout, There goes JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT♫ ...Now that that's in your brain for the weekend, let me tell you why  (cnn.com)	(45)
		The Lord is just in all his ways: redlight runner who hit nun has iPhone stolen by passerby offering to phone police  (thestar.com)	(69)
		The Cubs are great at one thing: finding new and inventive ways to lose  (chicagotribune.com)	(43)
		It's the most open F1 season for over a decade with Alonso dragging an ok car to points, Vettel showing he can race, McLaren finding new and inventive ways to lose points and Williams making a blazingly fast car  (bbc.co.uk)	(119)

		No matter who loses, the bank always wins  (cnbc.com)	(11)
		Comparing the ex Patriot Act to Nazism...always a good argument  (upi.com)	(182)

		The guy with a gun always gets to go ahead of everybody else at the McDonald's drive-thru  (palmbeachpost.com)	(29)
(Some Guy)		Remember friends, it could always be worse. You could drown in an enormous septic pit filled with horse manure  (wbal.com)	(42)
		When it comes to boneheaded decisions, Congress can always be expected to reach a bipartisan agreement to do the wrong thing  (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(35)

When riding a motorcycle, it's always prudent to keep your mouth closed because of bugs. Unfortunately, this doesn't work with golf balls  (tennessean.com)

(110)

US Airways jetliner en route from Paris to Charlotte, North Carolina, has been diverted to Bangor, Maine due to a suspicious passenger. Passenger was suspicious because he said US Airways had good customer service  (news.blogs.cnn.com)

(220)

		Ways to successfully obtain sex: dating sites, bars, prostitutes, Craigslist hookups. Ways to unsuccessfully obtain sex and simultaneously make the front page of Fark: get naked and blindfolded, and tie yourself to a tree  (huffingtonpost.com)	(52)
		I can always get ketchup to come right out of the bottle. What pointless superpower(s) do you have?  (fark.com)	(434)

(Washington City Paper)

D.C. Tour Bus Driver: Numbskull tourists always ask for directions to Private Ryan's grave  (washingtoncitypaper.com)

(325)

POTUS moistens up the ladies of The View by saying "It's always tight when you're Barack Obama." Hey Barbara Walters... how you doin'?  (iheartchaos.com)

(73)

There will always be an England  (bloomberg.com)

(14)

Republicans are for gay marriage. They have always been for gay marriage. Move along, citizen   (andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com)

(199)

Why do some Christians say the Bible is explicitly against gay marriage and others say the Bible supports it? Why, it's almost as if words and language can be interpreted different ways  (npr.org)

(218)

(Some Guy)		Boy Scouts sued for not firing the scariest molester ever. Not until he was convicted on arson, anyways. (with childhood nightmare mugshot)  (939mia.com)	(117)
		You know how you've always said you were better than those NFL refs? The NFL would like a word with you  (msn.foxsports.com)	(13)

		Filmdrunk was so impressed by Fark's 'Avengers' headline that they featured it in their morning roundup. No... it's down a ways... further... further... well maybe they weren't *that* impressed  (filmdrunk.uproxx.com)	(1)
		Lead singer of punk band "Against Me" says he's undergoing a sex change because he's always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body-a lesbian woman, however, so he's going to stay married to his wife  (abcnews.go.com)	(109)

		Man stabs his friend after argument about who can have the most sex. Captain Morgan was involved in this incident, probably in more ways than one  (thesmokinggun.com)	(13)
		Gwyneth Paltrow has developed breasts that grow sideways  (ok.co.uk)	(69)

New GA PL8S mean NU ways 2 LK LYK A FKTRD  (ajc.com)

(80)

		"When individuality asserts itself, we find that household incomes are nearly always the product of factors other than inequality. Anyone who believes otherwise should spend time with someone in the lowest household income quintile"  (americanthinker.com)	(153)
		Five ways the movie 'The Avengers' bends the rules of physics, according to one author who hasn't yet realized it's based on a series of comic books and not a documentary  (mnn.com)	(84)

		"MySpace's sole purpose is to serve as an anthropological collection of the ways young people embarrassed themselves online in the early-to-mid-2000s"  (gawker.com)	(18)
		10 ways to celebrate Star Wars Day - "May the 4th be with you"  (networkworld.com)	(54)
		The alcohol bra, flask sandals, and other devious ways teens sneak alcohol into prom. Not me though. I just snuck it in using my stomach  (dailymail.co.uk)	(68)

		Iron clad proof that America will always have a two party political system  (dailykos.com)	(84)
(CFIF)		No matter how you slice the numbers, the outcome is always the same: states that embrace conservative policies consistently outperform states where big government carries the day  (cfif.org)	(252)
		Blood tests aren't always 100% accurate - but when the crazy looking guy with the blood-filled syringe says it's tainted with AIDS, just take his word for it (w/ mugshot)  (myfoxdc.com)	(14)

		That scary black diamond run you're always bragging about at the local ski hill has nothing on this Lebanese resort, where the hazards on the slopes include getting shot by Syrian border troops  (reuters.com)	(6)
		Two players for the Nashville Predators suspended because they stayed out late partying the night before a playoff game. If the whole NHL thing doesn't work out for them they could always get a job with the Secret Service  (azcentral.com)	(33)

(Some Wreck)

Photoshop theme: Bigger isn't always better  (pdnphotooftheday.com)

(20)

Separate ways, but no longer worlds apart: Journey, Steve Perry reunion could happen on farewell tour  (tampabay.com)

(23)

Seven ways to save at the movies. For one thing, don't spend $8 on a box of Goobers, you big goober  (boston.com)

(60)

		If you're going to make a case for more art in your city there are more compelling ways to do it than a toilet on a pedestal in the city square  (daytondailynews.com)	(13)
		Police arrest four businessmen on the always nebulous "scuba diving at night without a license" charge  (philly.com)	(19)

American Airlines and U.S. Airways agree to terms of merger. "We seek to create an airline that combines the low on-time performance of American with the horrendous customer service that has made U.S. Airways a household name"  (huffingtonpost.com)

(75)

		Instead of teasing fans over the course of ten weeks, Netflix announces it will stream every episode from the new season of Arrested Development at once. See? There is always money in the banana stand  (deadline.com)	(61)
		Rockwell always feels like somebody's profiting off them  (marketwatch.com)	(7)
		Survey finds most people can't remember the last CD they bought. Naturally the music industry looks for ways to make CDs "more appealing"  (bbc.co.uk)	(143)

		Leon Panetta says he regrets his trips from DC to CA every weekend - costing taxpayers $32,000 each trip - and will look for ways to save money. Not traveling to California every weekend strangely absent from his savings plans  (washingtonpost.com)	(206)
		What do you do with dozens of frozen cows stuck inside a cabin at 11,000 feet? If you're the U.S. Forest Service, the use of explosives is always an option  (thedenverchannel.com)	(83)
		Finally realizing the error of her ways, with deep remorse Ann Romney apologizes to dog-lovers everywhere for strapping the dog to the top of the car on long trips. Just kidding, she doubles down, saying the dog loved it  (abcnews.go.com)	(281)

In an amazing feat of journalistic gymnastics, here's an 1800-word article on the John Edwards trial that manages to mention the word "Republican" five times in varying sinister ways - and "Democrat" not at all  (theatlantic.com)

(97)

THIS is why the airplane bathroom is always out of toilet paper  (gizmodo.com)

(77)

		I always thought nude ferry riots were something you would see at Burning Man  (thesun.co.uk)	(46)
		Now that people are firing up their barbecues again, it's always a good reminder that you shouldn't squirt high-powered remote control airplane fuel on your briquettes  (oregonlive.com)	(130)

How to hit a nude beach. Tips include "don't gawk", "don't bring a camera", "always bring a towel", and "always wear your sunscreen - carefully". SFW (come on, it's Fox News)  (foxnews.com)

(87)

If you've always felt the one thing Las Vegas is missing is a zip line connecting two hotels on the Vegas Strip, this is your lucky day  (azcentral.com)

(41)

Fried foods are not always bad for you. Conclusion based on study of all 7 people over 50 who are still alive in Georgia, Mississippi and Alabama  (cbsnews.com)

(17)

		As the seas continuously rise due to global warming, architects and city planners are exploring creative ways to prepare us all for life in Waterworld  (usatoday.com)	(116)
		Marion Barry has always treated D.C. with respect and only expects the same in return  (myfoxdc.com)	(19)
(Some Guy)		It's always a good day when you purchase a $12,000 Picasso print for $14 at a thrift store  (cleveland.cbslocal.com)	(48)

		It's always a good day when you purchase a $2,000,000 Andy Warhol sketch for $5 at a garage sale  (myfoxdc.com)	(41)
		Eating burned food is dangerous to your health. More proof that your dad, mother-in-law, and college roommate were always trying to kill you  (mnn.com)	(94)

Ah, the Teamsters. Always standing up for the little guy, calling strikes to battle big, greedy corporations like...the American Red Cross Blood Services?  (mlive.com)

(30)

		Why fantasy movies always lean toward British accents for characters, instead of thick Boston or Deep Southern dialects: 'A British accent provides a "splash of otherness"'  (bbc.co.uk)	(110)
		You know what they always say: The family that grows 'shrooms together, camel spiders, festoonies... taste the pendulum  (weblogs.sun-sentinel.com)	(30)

(TheXLog.com)		Yu Darvish goes both ways  (thexlog.com)	(37)
		Augusta National refuses to invite women for membership. Augusta National always offers the CEO of IBM an invitation of membership. IBM just hired a woman as CEO. Hilarity to ensue in 3...2...1  (sports.yahoo.com)	(73)

		JetBlue pilot faces the always onerous "lunacy on board" airline surcharge  (travel.usatoday.com)	(56)
		There are many ways a mother can build attachments with her son. Forcing him to eat screws is not one  (stltoday.com)	(26)
		News Corp. shopping an all-sports network to rival ESPN. No word yet on how they plan to present stats and scores in such a way so that it always looks like the team they like is the one that's winning  (deadline.com)	(54)
(Some hula hottie)		You will always remember this day as the day you gained a fetish for girls with hula hoops  (killsometime.com)	(83)

It's official: The Hunger Games has beaten Twilight at the box office and proven itself to be the better franchise in many ways. TEAM NO SPARKLY VAMPIRES  (deadline.com)

(158)

(Some Guy)

Idaho politicians vote to repeal law allowing towns to set speed limits on state highways after the obvious happened  (magicvalley.com)

(61)

Remember how Wall Street abandoned President Obama because of his "class warfare" and Nazisocialism? Yeah, no they didn't. They always back the winner  (bloomberg.com)

(50)

Have a son or else you will probably get divorced: 7 ways to save your marriage  (mentalfloss.com)

(43)

(Some Guy)

If you're bored lately with everything on the internet, there's always the hotel duck blog  (y100.com)

(61)

51 years later, Del Taco founder still drives 130 miles from home to look after Stores #1, 2 & 3: "The first bite should always have the meat and cheese together"  (ocregister.com)

(39)

Your GPS is not always right, especially if it tells you to drive into the Pacific Ocean  (gma.yahoo.com)

(78)

Eight insulting ways people act "Irish" on St. Patrick's Day  (cracked.com)

(184)

Rich guys always want what's best for everyone  (bloomberg.com)

(60)

		Rockwell buys Industrial control company; Always feels like somebody has bad power quality, and can get no continuity. ΩH, ΩH-ΩH-ΩH  (jsonline.com)	(32)
		Scientists develop mobile device app that can translate sign language, will learn that NYC cabbies have 27 different ways to say "f*ck you"  (scotsman.com)	(6)

As my Granny always said, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch", or in this case, don't celebrate the win until the game is over  (youtube.com)

(27)

Republican party finally sees the error of their ways and quietly lets the war against women drop... JUST KIDDING, a Georgia State Representative compares pregnant women to cattle and pigs  (rawstory.com)

(334)

When words fail to come from your interviewee, there is always FACEPOLE  (liveleak.com)

(30)

(Syracuse.com)		Aaron Sorkin will deliver commencement speech at Syracuse University this Spring. The speech will be delivered during a walking tour through campus hallways and include a lengthy aside about a Gilbert and Sullivan musical  (syracuse.com)	(28)
		Low-cost ways to show employees they're valued, because it's so ridiculous to simply pay them more  (fastcompany.com)	(133)

Backstreet Boy reports $120,000 jewelry theft. Which just goes to prove that it's always better in the long run to waste the money on hookers and blow and avoid future problems like this  (wrcbtv.com)

(20)

Why does it always have to be a sexy teacher hooking up with her underage student - why can't it ever be a sexy tutor hooking up with her underage pupil? Oh...thanks Florida ( w/ you wish you were failing math so you could hit it pic)  (beatcalls.com)

(105)

Five ways Windows 8 is better than iOS and Android  (edition.cnn.com)

(97)

(Press Think)

NPR figures out that "balance" doesn't always make for good journalism, will now aim to be "fair to the truth"  (pressthink.org)

(399)

(Longt Island Press)		It's always special when a Southwest pilot takes the time to announce a passenger's birthday. In fact, some would say it's the bomb  (longislandpress.com)	(63)
		Chris Cornell shows he's still one of the best and most powerful voices in music today with his version of "I will always love you"  (youtube.com)	(44)
		Ten crafty ways to use something called a newspaper around your home  (mnn.com)	(53)

(Some Guy)		Apple is trying to deal with the always depressing issue of having way too much cash  (dailytech.com)	(28)
		Of all the ways to honor your dead son, throwing a Chinook salmon onto the ice during a Vancouver Canucks game may be the strangest  (blog.seattlepi.com)	(65)

(Some Old Guy)

If you've always dreamed of having a Flintstones car of your own, today is your lucky day  (kirotv.com)

(8)

		If you've always wanted to live in your very own historic firehouse, today's your lucky day. Fire/stripper pole not included  (blog.seattlepi.com)	(34)
		Over 40 years before the Jetsons and flying cars, the people of 1919 NYC were planning circular runways around Manhattan for commuters' personal airplanes  (gothamist.com)	(43)
		15,000 die on Indian railways every year because the toilets on the trains just empty onto the rails, corroding them to the point of breaking. Indian officials charged with not keeping track  (independent.co.uk)	(119)
		Headline: "Female photographer travels America to peer inside a truly masculine domain... that doesn't always involve cars". Article: 8 out of 16 pictured involve transportation  (dailymail.co.uk)	(35)

David Brooks: "Jeremy Lin is anomalous in all sorts of ways...But we shouldn't neglect the biggest anomaly. He's a religious person in professional sports." Want to know how I know you nothing about sports, Poindexter?   (seattletimes.nwsource.com)

(116)

It's getting harder to find a place where everybody knows your name, even harder to find a place where they are always glad you came  (suntimes.com)

(130)

(Some Guy)

You know how your stoner roommate always swears it's easy to smuggle a baggie of weed past the TSA by hiding it in a jar of Skippy Peanut Butter? He's wrong  (insidebayarea.com)

(113)

		You know how the right wingers who hate gays the most always seem to end up being secret homosexuals? This isn't going to do anything to change that perception  (chron.com)	(215)
		Tip: No crack in jail, so always ask if you can smoke it before you get there  (ajc.com)	(29)
		Remember folks, always check your email's spam folder. Sometimes important things will get sent there by accident, like membership confirmations, tallies for your primary caucus voting, messages from fami- wait what?  (politico.com)	(47)
		The 10 best things about being a Royals fan, other than not having a lottery for playoff tickets and always being able to find a seat on the third base line  (sports.yahoo.com)	(50)
(Some Guy)		In another example that if you ask a question in the headline, the answer is always no: "Pan-fried crickets: The food of the future?"  (bites.today.msnbc.msn.com)	(63)

		Head of Santorum SuperPAC: "In a simpler time, there were other ways to deal with female sexual desire. Back in my day, they used Bayer Aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn't that costly"  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(496)
		Who hasn't had the dream where you are at school and you get strip searched by the school and they reveal your Superman undies to the entire class? It's not always a dream  (dailymail.co.uk)	(125)

		Twelve things you didn't know about the song "I Will Always Love You"  (music.yahoo.com)	(95)
		Ways to travel to Hollywood: plane ticket, train fare, bus ticket. Ways not to travel to Hollywood: tell police a bogus story about being carjacked hoping they'll chauffeur your broke, mouth-breathing self there  (blogs.tcpalm.com)	(14)

		"You've confused the 'war on your religion' with 'not always getting everything you want'"  (thedailyshow.com)	(851)
(Some Guy)		Eight surefire ways to get dumped on Valentine's Day  (chicagonow.com)	(86)

(Some Guy)

Remember back in the day when you had to walk to school, barefoot, uphill both ways, in the snow? Well now they're paying snowflakes to go to school on time  (cleveland.cbslocal.com)

(92)

Whitney Houston getting singing tribute from Jennifer Hudson at 2012 Grammy Awards. Chances of Hudson singing a mash up of 'I Will Always Love you' and Clapton's version of 'Cocaine' remain low  (hitfix.com)

(27)

		New Orleans Mardi Gras parade organizers finding new, creative ways to get women to flash their boobies  (nola.com)	(122)
		And you thought it was irksome when your co-workers were always talking about their dogs  (usatoday.com)	(68)

(us magazine)

Snooki claims she'll go both ways for a hook-up  (usmagazine.com)

(33)

		George Lucas says it's all YOUR fault you couldn't get the Han/Greedo cantina scene right. Greedo ALWAYS shot first, camera angles just prevented you from seeing it that way the first time  (movies.ign.com)	(186)
		NJ DOT committee presents recommendations on ways to reduce train-related deaths. #1: Stop getting hit by trains  (nj.com)	(40)
		I think we already have a winner for Worst Business Metaphor of the Year: "In many ways, the Chipotle burrito is very similar to the iPhone"  (slate.com)	(128)
(msnbc)		Business 101: Always avoid meetings with time-wasting morons  (lifeinc.today.msnbc.msn.com)	(17)

		Chuck Schumer wins his Super Bowl bet with Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH) who will be buying six NY craft beers; the always-cagey Schumer knew that bets involving alcohol with Massachusetts senators often go badly  (gothamist.com)	(31)
		Not news: Man starts police chase. Fark: Man starts police chase because he "always wanted to do it"  (shortlist.com)	(62)

		"We always get drunk together," says a) a college student about his best friend, b) a bride-to-be about her maid of honor, or c) a mother about her 11-year-old son?  (dailymail.co.uk)	(47)
		Academic experts release 200 page paper showing that online dating doesn't always go well  (washingtonpost.com)	(293)

Note to wanna-be human traffickers: If you're going to transport five illegal Mexican immigrants in your SUV, always remember to put on a license plate  (tampabay.com)

(22)

Obama's 2005 Chrysler fails to sell on eBay. Buyers afraid that the car would start slowly, always pull to the left  (dailymail.co.uk)

(45)

		Protip: Whenever a news story ends with a question mark, the answer is always "no". Case in point: "Is Bill Belichick quietly the NFL's best-dressed coach?"  (slate.com)	(21)
		My Father always told me, "If you're doing something that will make you wanted by the police, remember not to ask the police if you're wanted"  (chicagotribune.com)	(14)
		Vulcan man arrested for sexual assault. Look, there are better ways to deal with Pon Farr, dude  (calgary.ctv.ca)	(37)

		OK, star trail pictures are always cool in some way but none like this one  (apod.nasa.gov)	(18)
		Zynga CEO says they didn't copy another company's game, they just evolved it "in revolutionary ways", like changing the color scheme  (blogs.reuters.com)	(24)
		Woman caught after high speed chase through Seattle in stolen cherry picker tells cops it was always on her bucket list  (seattlepi.com)	(11)

		"Four South Side areas landed on AOL's dailyfinance.com list of the 25 most dangerous neighborhoods, which was posted Monday on Fark.com." We're always down with what happens in the streets, G  (redeyechicago.com)	(3)
		Alec Baldwin lost 30 pounds after discovering he was prediabetic. Or postdiabetic, Dr. Spaceman always gets those two confused  (dailymail.co.uk)	(48)

The entire cast of Arrested Development has signed on to star in the Netflix continuation of the series. There's always money in nostalgia. And the banana stand  (huffingtonpost.com)

(143)

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