Source	Fark Headline		Comments
(haaretz)		Netanyahu's brother in law calls Obama an anti Semite, believes the US will be wiped off the map  (haaretz.com)	(190)
		The IMF admits unrestrained free market policies might be a bad idea  (npr.org)	(83)
		Kid learns the hard way that if you're old enough to rape an autistic woman on a street corner in broad daylight you're old enough for grown up PMITA prison  (toledoblade.com)	(291)
		Five of the 10 plants with the highest amount of mercury emitted are in Texas, which explains a lot  (news.yahoo.com)	(79)
		If you beat the murder charges, but you did actually commit the murder, the first thing you do shouldn't be to write a taunting letter to prosecutors detailing the crime. Unless you want that to also be the last thing you do  (myfoxdc.com)	(133)

		MIT building self-assembling computer chips to find Sarah Connor  (news.cnet.com)	(18)
		Martha Stewart has a wicked temper, feeds guinea pig fricassee to children, and thinks her dog committed suicide  (gawker.com)	(44)
		Irish Prime Minister meets with O'Bama. Guinness Summit?  (abcnews.go.com)	(60)
(KFAB)		Showing up for your DUI sentencing with a blood-alcohol level five times the legal limit might not earn you any favors with the judge  (kfab.com)	(35)

		Kevin Smith's submission to "Night of 140 Tweets" featuring his new toy. (Not safe for work)  (youtube.com)	(45)
		Japanese Olympic Committee rips national skiing team for their embarrassing "hip hop" antics at Vancouver games, lack of morals  (news.yahoo.com)	(30)
		Directors Bill Condon, Sofia Coppolla, and farking Gus van Sant have all been contacted by Summit Entertainment about possibly directing the last of the two Twilight films. Where's the No Farking Chance tag?  (hollywoodinsider.ew.com)	(48)
		Your mama is so fat she exceeds the Chandrasekhar limit  (physorg.com)	(50)
		Tea party leader admits that the Tea Party is over. Beer party sign up booth to the left  (huffingtonpost.com)	(183)
(Some Guy)		Flight Attendants want Congress to limit carry-on bag size because people are not wanting to pay for baggage. If only there was some way to have the same outcome without legislation, perhaps a repeal of some prior policy  (kstp.com)	(202)

		Democrats don't want to just PERMIT abortions as a matter of indivual liberty. They want to ENCOURAGE abortions as a matter of social policy -- that is, to save money  (online.wsj.com)	(395)
		GA Supreme court upholds portion of Sex Offender registration with this logic "it is of no consequence whether or not one has committed an offense that is 'sexual' in nature before being required to register,"  (ajc.com)	(122)

Elton John's lover committed suicide after struggling to come to terms with sexuality, British food  (telegraph.co.uk)

(69)

		It's Saturday afternoon and what better reason do you need to laugh like a retard at one of the funniest movie scenes ever committed to film  (youtube.com)	(65)
		NJ town wants Mystery Knitter to apply for permit, clearly infringing on her constitutional right to keep and bear yarn  (nj.com)	(43)
(Some Guy)		Australia may lower the blood alcohol limit for motorists to .02, meaning they'd returned to the good old days when 98% of the residents were prisoners    (couriermail.com.au)	(134)
		Contrary to what many people may believe, the Tea Party's motto is "fiscal responsibility, limited government, and free markets" with little or no mention of God, life and family. You betcha'  (nytimes.com)	(304)
(Some Idoliot)		And the saga of the Pants on the Ground guy continues as his record label is su...I'm sorry, he has a record label? Goddammit, America, no wonder the terrorists hate us  (digitalspy.com)	(15)
		Britain has spent £190,000 in an unsuccessful twelve year battle to wipe out the country's only termite colony. Apparently don't know that they could have flown in a whole team of Orkin men for 1/10th the price  (timesonline.co.uk)	(37)

		Old and busted: Northern Mockingbird imitating a squeaky garden gate. The new hotness: Superb Lyrebird imitating an entire construction site  (liveleak.com)	(34)
		Utah House leader admits to naked hot-tubbing with a 15-year old girl. Was that wrong? Should he not have done that?  (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(227)
		Mitt Romney is pulling a Sarah Palin and going rogue  (blogs.reuters.com)	(102)
		Experts say that American doctors are over-testing and over-treating their patients. But how else will my kid get unlimited time on their SATs if I don't have them checked for Restless Leg Syndrome?  (aolnews.com)	(190)
(Some Guy)		Israel now admits they were using human shields, but says it has nothing to do with diffusing the UN report that accused Israel of doing things like using human shields  (mondoweiss.net)	(85)

		The "drain the swamp" Democrats cancel all commitee meetings and go behind closed doors (again) to plot ObamaCare vote  (hotair.com)	(131)
		Faith No More, the most sought-after reunion after The Smiths and Abba, are finally announcing East coast reunion show  (rollingstone.com)	(67)
(Some Ad Man)		Remember how smart you felt when you submitted the headline that read, "[pundit] goes on [news network] and says [something stupid or infuriating]?" Congrats. You're just as gullible as the viewers  (democracynow.org)	(75)
		Whoever said, "There's no harm in asking," clearly never submitted a request under the Indian government's Right to Information Act  (csmonitor.com)	(49)
		Your Shopper loyalty card: a great way to get discounts, special offers, and warnings from the CDC that the food you just bought could make you vomit blood from your eyeballs    (aolnews.com)	(77)
		The liberal response to the Citizens United decision is that democracy is advanced only when political speech is undemocratically limited. It's a visceral response based more on emotion than reason  (reason.com)	(445)
(Some Bunny)		Musical on the life and times of Anna Nicole Smith will premiere in 2011. Producers anticipate it will take at least nine months to find the right woman who is fat, desperate, and coked out of her mind  (digitalspy.com)	(24)

		One hit wonders aren't limited to just music. Right Superman Returns guy?  (spike.com)	(111)
		HHS Sec. Kathleen Sebelius addressing the health insurance companies summit : "Maybe you should use these millions you're spending on attack ads fighting reform on lowering people's premiums instead?"  (huffingtonpost.com)	(195)
		There are several things the Democrat Party will never admit about the Obamacare boondoggle, the most despicable of which is that they think it's "the right thing to do." What a bunch of bleeding-heart pansies  (article.nationalreview.com)	(69)
		"First I'm going to find out how I'm going to sound. I'm going to get back on a Mongolian pony and ride like the wind. I'm going to flash my scimitar. I'm going to cut the nuts off Conan and his father"  (movies.ign.com)	(23)
		Race car that runs on chocolate, potato starch, and flax generates 1.21 gigawatts of power and goes from 0 to 88 mph in 3.2 seconds  (news.yahoo.com)	(37)

		Emmit Smith on Jerry Jones: "arrogance sticks out like a sore thumb when you talk about him" Oh wait, he was talking about Dan Snyder. My bad  (sports.yahoo.com)	(14)
		China says it's committed to U.S. debt and will ride it all the way to the poor house  (reuters.com)	(31)
		The CIA recommended the use of Ensure Plus for the liquid diet so that detainees wouldn't die from inhaling their own vomit during torture. Seriously  (salon.com)	(306)
		Two idiots in a fraternity at submitter's Alma Mater allegedly wrapped some kid in TP and set him on fire. What was the stupidest thing you ever did in college? Bonus: look at the smirk on their mugshots  (kentucky.com)	(319)
		Window cleaner commits suicide by stabbing himself in the groin repeatedly with a jumbo souvenir pencil. "If you were choosing to take your own life, that's not the way you would do it"  (mirror.co.uk)	(111)

		In a suprise to nobody. Gay guy from Will and Grace admits he's gay  (eonline.com)	(89)
(Some Mad Scientist)		Scientists at MIT discover solution to exploding battery problem: Cut out the middleman  (web.mit.edu)	(24)
		Researchers transmit power through superconducting lines for 200 meters. All we need is 12 gajillion miles of liquid nitrogen cooled power lines and our grid will be hugely efficient and we'll save electric... wait this isn't adding up  (physorg.com)	(34)
		Bullock and Bridges reached the summit last night after climbing for years and both report the view from the top is breathtaking  (bittenandbound.com)	(230)

(Not Even Tongue-In-Cheek)		Gene Simmons can't stand Oasis or the Gallagher brothers. However, he is admittedly a fan of Franz Ferdinand, Arctic Monkeys, and Keane. This news is expected to drive KISS fans wild and drive them crazy  (spinner.com)	(30)
(Michael Moore)		Michael Moore wants to replace Rahm Emanuel, only wants a dollar a year, a cot in the White House basement, unlimited all you can eat buffets  (michaelmoore.com)	(48)
(SLO Tribune)		Submitter's father worked in the cafeteria to pay for college. Submitter worked computer help desk. These days, kids get jobs counting roadkill  (sanluisobispo.com)	(56)
		Does a school have the right to punish a student for an act committed on the weekend? Welcome to New Jersey  (npr.org)	(206)
		Matt Smith tries to justify why he was cast as the new Dr. Who. Look, dude, you aren't fit to tie David Tennant's shoes, let alone step into them. Tag is for what this season is going to be like  (io9.com)	(110)
		Mark Linkous of Sparklehorse commits suicide  (rollingstone.com)	(80)

		Over 90% of contractors have failed to take EPA-mandated course in how to make home renovations more expensive by doing unnecessary lead mitigation  (boston.com)	(25)
		Mitt Romney thinks Sarah Palin is qualified to be President, which makes me wonder if Mitt Romney is qualified to be President  (politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com)	(189)

		Experimental vaccine protects monkeys against chikungunya, but not bananarama, or dynamitosis  (physorg.com)	(15)
		Rumors spike about Chicago getting second NFL team. Mayor meets with former commish, and admits subject comes up. Fark: also wants second baseball team in addition to White Sox  (wbbm780.com)	(112)
		The meaning behind the lapel pin Coach K always wears. Dust in submitter's eyes almost made him forget that Duke sucks  (sports.espn.go.com)	(29)
(Washington Examiner)		President Obama, meet Senator Obama on reconciliation: "Under the rules, the reconciliation process does not permit that debate. Reconciliation is therefore the wrong place for policy changes"  (washingtonexaminer.com)	(274)
(Brisbane Times)		"A lot of us are screwed", admits porn star  (brisbanetimes.com.au)	(380)
		If you just ate a Mrs. Smith's Coconut Custard pie because you thought the "0g Trans Fats" label meant it was good for you, the FDA would like to remind you that just plain old fat is bad for you too  (washingtonpost.com)	(67)

		Comcast responds to questions and criticisms about its "unlimited usage" and manages to fark everything up again  (consumerist.com)	(42)
		"I had heard early reports that Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland was unwatchably bad, an unmitigated disaster. It's not - it's just regular terrible"  (chud.com)	(151)
(TheDailyBeast)		Jello Biafra discusses Jerry Brown, admits being wrong about 'California Über Alles': "When Ronald Reagan won in 1980, I realized I kind of misfired"  (thedailybeast.com)	(56)
		Charles Rangell (D-ranged) to take 'leave of absence' from chairmanship of House Ways and Means Committee. And just ignore those big paper-shredder trucks outside  (abcnews.go.com)	(144)
		No, America, you are not grown up enough to have a real economy. Adam Smith's invisible hand pimp slaps you for thinking otherwise  (businessweek.com)	(45)
		Tim Burton may bring Seth Grahme-Smith's awesome Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter to the big screen. And yes, the book is awesome  (io9.com)	(91)
		Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-umbass) will not relinquish his chairmanship of the powerful House Ways and Means Committee. Shocker, right?  (foxnews.com)	(53)
		Life imitates Cinemax. Flight attendant prostitution ring broken  (foxnews.com)	(101)

(NYmag)		Zach Galifianakis on "The Hangover" getting an Oscar snub: "Oscar folks don't look at comedies. Comedies are so much harder to do. Anybody can vomit out their lines in a serious movie, but to make it funny is harder"  (nymag.com)	(151)
		Comcast's definition of "unlimited usage" does not mean "unlimited usage." There are bandwidth restrictions and whatnot  (consumerist.com)	(52)
		Obama adopts several GOP ideas from healthcare summit in his proposal to congresss. GOP outraged because, well, BECAUSE because. That's why  (content.usatoday.com)	(229)

(Some Filthy Guy)		"I don't care how many orifices you have, Cop Out will fark you in all of them. You got pierced ears? Expect to find director Kevin Smith's dick in them before you get out of the theater"  (bigempire.com)	(80)
		Warren Buffett says healthcare costs are limiting America's economic growth. But what does he know, stupid liberal  (news.yahoo.com)	(141)
		Go to lovely Yosemite national park this spring. See the redwoods, visit Glacier Point, and stumble upon the Mexican drug gangs growing marijuana  (news.bostonherald.com)	(179)
		Russian President Dmitry Medvedev demands sports officials resign after Olympic performance, commences Operation Drago  (sports.espn.go.com)	(91)
		Shutter Island wins for the second week in a row, proving no one wants to watch another useless George Romero remake or anything that has Kevin Smith's name attached to it  (hollywoodreporter.com)	(90)

(Some Guy)		Old news: man dies after thirteen years in prison for rape and murder he didn't commit. First time ever: Texas governor to pardon innocent man after he's dead  (radio.woai.com)	(297)
		Health insurer admits that the US healthcare system is completely broken  (latimes.com)	(162)
		President Obama prepares for 2012 election by appointing his chief campaign fundraiser as new White House Social Secretary. You gotta admit - the man is efficient  (politico.com)	(40)
		Peratech, a British material-design company, recently made a deal with MIT to create pressure-sensitive, electronically responsive "skin" for robots. Cyberdyne Systems has already filed suit in US Patent Court  (io9.com)	(15)
		Listen to the background chatter cease and the room fall silent after President Obama asks health care summit attendees to consider what life is like for Americans who are not rich politicians (video)  (videocafe.crooksandliars.com)	(462)
		"On Feb 3rd, National Intelligence Director Dennis Blair, in open testimony before the House intelligence committee, acknowledged that American citizens can be assassinated at our government's discretion" Ron Paul  (liveleak.com)	(111)

		AP fact checks heath care summit exchange between President Obama and Sen. Lemar Alexander (R-TN), once again proving that the facts have a liberal bias  (hosted.ap.org)	(157)
(WDEF-TV 12)		Snuffy Smith accused of wielding staple gun at cop  (wdef.com)	(30)
		Hey, the Catholic Church now owns all images of Jesus apparently, and they admitted they watched Roland Emmerich's 2012  (io9.com)	(152)
		Problem: County running out of money. Solution: Shake down the local hardware store for giving out free donuts and coffee without a health permit  (vcstar.com)	(84)

		MIT physicist, curiously not named Scotty, one step closer to warp drive  (news.yahoo.com)	(61)
(Some Guy)		John Thune (R-eally StupidD) goes on Fox News to talk about health care, and gets his ass handed to him by Shepard Smith. Wait, what?  (politicususa.com)	(86)
		Right-wing noise machine, unable to debate the merits of the conversation, decides the health care summit was too boring to care about  (feeds.mediamatters.org)	(415)
		Some people rely on their personality or looks for sex; Florida man relied on imitation Percocet, which he created in his bathroom  (nwfdailynews.com)	(55)

		Karl Rove: At the summit, Republicans need to correct Obama's many lies without going Joe Wilson on him  (online.wsj.com)	(174)
		Please call 1-800-TIPS to report suspicious behavior, including but not limited to; faceless men, human-turtle hybrids, over-sized band-aid bandits, the undead homeless, or Burt Reynolds circa 1979  (huffingtonpost.com)	(73)
(Press of Atlantic City)		"Man tries to commit suicide after passing bad checks while dressed as a woman". With "some of you still would" pic  (pressofatlanticcity.com)	(75)
		Wanna watch the government talk about not doing anything about health care? The Health Care Summit discussion thread now open  (c-span.org)	(lots)
		Kevin Smith: "For years people said, 'You're not a real director on the internet'...and they were right"  (examiner.com)	(86)
		Conceding that today's health care summit will be as predictable as kabuki theater, Democrats work on strategy for the real negotiations to follow behind the scenes  (washingtonpost.com)	(186)
(News-Leader.com)		Hospital admits those receiving certain cancer treatment last year were exposed to dangerous levels of radiation. A spokesperson for the patients indicated that he was, "angry, and you wouldn't like [him] when [he's] angry."  (news-leader.com)	(41)
		There's a wrong time to accidentally dial 911. Like when you're in the middle of committing the crime and you're discussing it  (upi.com)	(21)
(TV Squad)		Ann-Margret and Jaclyn Smith to appear on Law & Order: MILF  (tvsquad.com)	(60)

(Some Guy)

.167. Twice the legal limit to be pushing a baby stroller  (dailymail.com)

(83)

		PCWorld finds AT&T has America's fastest 3G network. You submitted this from your iPhone but the connection dropped seven times  (pcworld.com)	(90)
(Las Vegas Sun)		Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid would win election if the health care bill kept the public option, according to poll commissioned by the progressive group Committee for Providing Hints to Dumbasses    (lasvegassun.com)	(38)
(Some Guy)		The state of Texas is trying to build a clone army by submitting newborn blood samples to the Armed Forces' "Forensic Database"  (news.sciencemag.org)	(94)

(The National)		Much of that money you pay your Guatamalan gardener leaves the country: "For many countries, remittances are quite simply the most important source of foreign funds"  (thenational.ae)	(41)
		"The very idea that a political party dominated by neocons, warmongers, surveillance fetishists, and privacy-hating social conservatives will be a party of "limited government" is absurd on its face"  (salon.com)	(314)
		Gilette raises prices while cutting number of razors in package. Submitter still awaiting razor with 11 blades  (consumerist.com)	(148)

		Man arrested for trying to tap Democratic Senator's phones gets 'rock star welcome' from the Conservative Political Action Committee Conference in DC  (nola.com)	(636)
		Chapter 9 no longer limited to your deadbeat neighbors. Cities look for an easy way out in this great American story  (finance.yahoo.com)	(62)
		Dear Fark, please help me understand why this video has 52 million views. Love, submitter  (youtube.com)	(60)
(eurweb)		It looks like Ann Coulter may finally have a boyfriend and he's just plain dyn-o-mite  (eurweb.com)	(153)

		Google engineer talks about his goal to caption the internet. Well, Fark's pretty much got the cat pictures wrapped up  (edition.cnn.com)	(23)
		Mitt Romney used his Vulcan death grip in airport attack on innocent rapper: "I just react. Boom. Get off me, you know. Bring amber lamps"  (news.bostonherald.com)	(52)
		Bush administration lawyers used poor judgment, though they didn't commit professional misconduct, when they wrote memos authorizing torture  (bloomberg.com)	(305)

		MIT scientists develop sketch-interpreting software for tablet computers that can understand diagrams. So the marketing weasels can make an even more incomprehensible slide show for next week's all hands meeting  (physorg.com)	(15)
		Primitive humans conquered the seas some hundred thousand years earlier than thought. No we're not talking about the vikings with horns protruding out of their heads, we're talking clubs and axes  (news.nationalgeographic.com)	(43)
(Some Guy)		After openly admitting they have no idea if it's a valid concern, California politicians decide to slap radiation hazard labels on cell phones  (sanluisobispo.com)	(33)
(Spinner)		Pearl Jam set to appear on SNL next month to play music from their new album. That reminds the submitter: Who're you gonna vote for in the fall, Clinton, Bush, or Perot?  (spinner.com)	(48)
(White House)		Want President Obama to speak at your high school commencement? 1. Submit an application. 2. Get selected as a finalist. 3. Win public vote. 4. [Something about teleprompters]  (whitehouse.gov)	(119)
		NY Times finally publishes hit-piece on Gov. Paterson where he admits that "...all I'm doing is drinking, chasing women, doing drugs." Ok maybe that was out of context but whatever  (nytimes.com)	(22)
		Rumor has it that the next Call of Duty is set during the Cold War. No word on whether there's a mission where you get to have a summit with Khrushchev all hopped up on goofballs or not  (kotaku.com)	(80)
		For some ice dancers at this year's Olympics, committing a boner could be especially devastating  (online.wsj.com)	(39)
		The Pulitzer Prize Board reverses an administrator's earlier objection and permits the National Enquirer to submit their John Edwards coverage for award consideration in two categories  (gawker.com)	(63)

		Testify at house oversight committee, Toyoda will  (money.cnn.com)	(43)
		Former Intelligence Committee Chair Bob Graham says there's no difference in how Bush and Obama handle terror suspects and Lincoln is probably doing a half-gainer in his grave because of Cheney's recent comments  (news.yahoo.com)	(43)
(US Magazine)		You may have to sit down for this one: Jersey Shore's JWoww and Snooki admit they are not Italian  (usmagazine.com)	(98)
		Pollster John Zogby conducts an exhaustive study of our coutry's self-described "libertarians" and concludes that they're mostly all Republicans who are too embarrassed to admit they voted for Bush twice  (article.nationalreview.com)	(340)
(Digitalspy)		Original 808 State lineup may reform. You submitted this with a more acidic headline  (digitalspy.co.uk)	(18)
		Half the world's species of monkey, gorilla and chimpanzee could soon disappear. No word yet on the dynamite monkey  (dailymail.co.uk)	(31)
		Akon admits that he's the one to blame for you having to hear Lady Gaga's name mentioned 11 times every farking day  (starpulse.com)	(47)
		You're in court on burglary charges, do you then: a) Commit more robberies b) Drop a charge sheet with your name on it at one crime scene c) Leave a DVD of your police interview at another d) All of the above?  (news.com.au)	(17)
		Thomas Friedman, professional smart person, says this whole argument over global warming would be solved with the publication of "a simple 50-page paper with unimpeachable peer-reviewed footnotes"  (nytimes.com)	(100)

		Kevin Smith releases his "Final Words" on the Southwest Airlines incident. In 24 parts  (youtube.com)	(195)
		Seattle librarian admits she's never read Robert Heinlein or seen "Star Trek", but suggests these four novels for sci-fi newbie readers  (blog.seattlepi.com)	(162)
		U$C goes in front of the NCAA disciplinary committee Thursday. The result? Seantrel Henderson gets a Mercedes instead of a Bentley  (sportingnews.com)	(41)
		Typos earn Google $500 million per year. You submitting this with a grammatically incorrect headline  (newscientist.com)	(42)
		Something you may not have noticed while watching on TV: the Canadian Olympic Committee has completely bungled the Vancouver Games  (washingtonpost.com)	(136)
		Some Republicans, who apparently have blotted their last televised encounter with Obama from their memories, think the upcoming televised health care summit could really help them score some points with voters  (news.yahoo.com)	(192)
		Too late to help out Mitt Romney, Air Canada proposes nut-free buffer zones on flights    (thestar.com)	(24)

		Because ruining Queen wasn't enough, Paul Rodgers reveals he was asked to front Aerosmith. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE STOP HIM  (contactmusic.com)	(36)
		Oscar winners, be advised: the Academy will be limiting you to 45 seconds of tears, pointless rambling, climbing over the audience, one-handed pushups, and declarations of love for your siblings. Make it count  (guardian.co.uk)	(49)
		From the "Goddammit I'd just managed to get that 80s song out of my head" department, it's Boys Don't Cry with I Wanna be a Cowboy  (youtube.com)	(21)
(Harpers)		What to do when the former Vice President admits to war crimes on national television?  (harpers.org)	(508)
		Today's sentence you'll wish you'd never read: "Nearby, a man reached inside his skimpy nun's outfit and shortly afterward emitted a sigh of relief"  (news.yahoo.com)	(61)
		Aerosmith is co-headlining the Download Festival, fueling rumors that Steven Tyler may reunite with the band, depriving the world of the awesomeness of a Billy Idol-fronted Aerosmith  (starpulse.com)	(21)
		High tech industry is facing a critical shortage of vital rare earth elements critical to almost all their devices. Gee if only they'd had some warning that RARE EARTHS were in limited supply  (news.yahoo.com)	(189)
		Passenger gets pissed off at Mitt Romney before takeoff for no real reason, with the expected result  (myfoxboston.com)	(168)

		Southwest offers a 'heartfelt' apology to Kevin Smith. Fark: by calling him 'Not So Silent Bob' and explaining in detail just why he was too fat to allow on the flight  (content.usatoday.com)	(233)
		Google admits to screwing up Buzz, vows to be less evil  (boston.com)	(45)

		Behind closed doors and with no cameras present, President Obama signed into law Friday afternoon the bill raising the public debt limit from $12.4 trillion to $14.3 trillion  (blogs.abcnews.com)	(243)
(KTVI)		Obama administration gives gas station $43,000 to fill tires with nitrogen. Submitter is waiting for his Monster cable stimulus grant to come through  (fox2now.com)	(118)
(Some Fat Guy)		Kevin Smith kicked off Southwest flight for being too fat and/or making Ben Affleck famous  (gadling.com)	(497)

		Sen. Jay Rockefeller says Obama is "beginning not to be believable." Obama responds, promises Rockefeller an extra unicorn and unlimited puppies  (realclearpolitics.com)	(57)
		With Valentine's Day almost here, Vicar urges women parishioners to "be silent" and "submit to your husbands"  (dailymail.co.uk)	(166)

It's Friday Photo fun time with The Smoking Gun. Can you guess which celebrity committed an assault in the building in the photo? (Contest ends 6pm ET)  (thesmokinggun.com)

(45)

		Designer Alexander McQueen is found dead in his apartment. He apparently committed suicide after watching one of his own fashion shows  (nytimes.com)	(186)
		Australian farmers should use dynamite to control the rabbit population, according to top scientists at the ACME Institute  (foxnews.com)	(65)

		Dead man found in landing gear. IT'S STILL WHEEL TO ME, DAMMIT  (news.com.au)	(104)
		Three months after emerging from bankruptcy, CIT Group hires ex-Merrill chief John Thain as CEO. This may test the limits of the space-time continuum. Be cautious on 42nd Street, New Yorkers  (online.wsj.com)	(30)

		Christian group upset that hate crimes laws could interfere with their efforts to commit hate crimes  (rawstory.com)	(534)
(Park Rapids Enterprise)		If you see a sign saying speed limit 60, then a sign saying speed limit 30, then a sign saying there's no speed limit, what is the speed limit? (Hint: it's a trap)  (parkrapidsenterprise.com)	(117)

		Palin, Limbaugh go head to head over the use of the "r" word as Limbaugh defends Rahm Emanuel for the slur, submitter's head assplodes  (news.yahoo.com)	(147)
(The Daily Swarm)		Blogger pays tribute to rock doc 'Decline of Western Civilization P2: The Metal years': "Some of these folks are hungry in more than just the figurative sense. A few even admit to being so broke that they date women for meals"  (thedailyswarm.com)	(18)
(Some Guy)		Can you trust any hardware made in China? Can you trust Submitter alone with your beer?  (itworld.com)	(45)

		It's official: Even the head of Taylor Swift's label admits she can't sing  (news-briefs.ew.com)	(133)
(KTLA)		Alleged Tiger Woods mistress upset over novelty golf ball set featuring her face and those of his other conquests. Not the first time their face has been in close proximity to balls  (ktla.com)	(26)

Academy admits that they nominated higher than usual number of flicks for Best Picture in hopes of getting more people to watch the Oscars  (online.wsj.com)

(44)

		About seventy percent of people use the same password at their bank as they do everywhere else on the 'tubes. God, Sex, Money still top three most common passwords? You submitted this with a better Hackers reference  (redtape.msnbc.com)	(266)
		John Murtha admitted to intensive care  (abcnews.go.com)	(325)
		Gangs are using Facebook and Twitter more often. Tomorrow, see Part 2 of this series, titled "Gangs getting busted for admitting crimes on Facebook, Twitter more often"  (suntimes.com)	(49)
		Israel finally admits illegal use of white phosphorus in Gaza... buried in paragraph 108 of a report released on Friday afternoon. Oh, and the officers involved got really firm wrist slaps, too  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(730)

(Some Online Dater)		Statistical analysis of dating site's profile photos reveals that Myspace angles and sixpack abs get the most dates. Goddammit so much  (blog.okcupid.com)	(119)
		Steven Tyler to sue Aerosmith if they even plan an audition for a different pair of lips: "Can you imagine the manager of the Rolling Stones calling for the replacement of Mick Jagger? Steven is Aerosmith"  (rollingstone.com)	(38)

(Some Haim)		Corey Feldman reveals that the third Lost Boys film is "going to refer to Twilight." GODDAMMITSOMUCH...wait, there was a second Lost Boys film? That's even worse  (digitalspy.com)	(56)
		Top ranking Republican admits they have no interest in bipartisanship. Congressional Dems will still grovel for approval  (politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com)	(507)
		Man gets permit to sell raw milk, but only if he tests it to higher standards than store milk, collects personal information about every customer, and bows five times per day in the direction of power-mad town officials  (metrowestdailynews.com)	(132)
		Finally, a woman admits she's bisexual and the confession is in no way hot; seriously, none of us would ever touch Amy Winehouse  (contactmusic.com)	(58)

Obama admits that Democrats let some provisions 'sneak into' health care legislation that violate his promises that citizens who like their insurance, doctors can keep them  (realclearpolitics.blogs.time.com)

(64)

		Aerosmith to audition Billy Idol as replacement for Steven Tyler  (contactmusic.com)	(36)
(Spinner)		Charlie Watts admits being more of a jazz fan, thinks The Beatles and Elvis suck: "The Stones are merely an annoying pastime"  (spinner.ca)	(18)
		Hayden Panettiere is now a redhead, and has admitted to being drawn to older men. Just in case any Farkers find this relevant to their interests  (stuff.co.nz)	(192)

(Some Lucky Guy)

Life imitates "My Name is Earl"  (dispatch.com)

(45)

(Foreign Policy)

CIA operative who famously claimed that waterboarding was effective against al Qaeda now admits he made the whole thing up, apparently without any sort of enhanced interrogation techniques  (foreignpolicy.com)

(315)

		Woman photographs missile-like object emitting either flames or heavy smoke that appeared to rise up out of the ocean, but isn't sure what it might be. She's from Newfoundland so she's probably never seen a streetlight before  (cbc.ca)	(133)
		Finally, a bipartisan vote on a bill. Granted, it was to reject a committee that would have reduced the national debt, but hey, bipartisanship  (latimes.com)	(185)
(Some Guy)		Jack White to produce another album. Stop farting around and make another record with Meg dammit  (nme.com)	(61)
		Today's entrant in the "device most likely to get you robbed" contest is the Hermit nap station  (techeblog.com)	(28)

		The 2010 America's Cup just took a turn for the awesome as officials throw out the rulebook and allow contestants to submit boats that look like . . . well, something out of 2010  (popsci.com)	(54)
		Glitch in airline's computer allows customers to buy first class tickets for $2.90. Instead of canceling tickets, company admits it was their mistake and says passengers get to keep them  (news.yahoo.com)	(47)

		When reality imitates porn: United States and Britain are on the lookout for female bombers. Let the backroom searchers begin  (smh.com.au)	(60)
		Study lists unfair credit card companies. Originally submitted the list of fair credit card companies, but the editor refused to publish a blank document  (news.smh.com.au)	(119)

(Some Guy)		Lane Kiffin hasn't even unpacked his bags at USC yet, but he has already committed a recruiting violation  (bareknucks.com)	(38)
(Harry's Place)		Anti-semitic Anglican vicar uses police to intimidate blogger, make him choose between cake or death  (hurryupharry.org)	(189)
		Marvel Comics, which is offering a limited-edition exclusive to retailers who send them covers of unsold DC titles, reveals the cover for the issue; it's probably the sweetest Deadpool cover EVER...and a slap in the face to DC  (io9.com)	(145)
		Gov't: NASA, will you meet the 2020 deadline we gave you for tracking all the rocks in the sky with zero funding? NASA: LOL, oh wait, you were serious? ROFL  (blogs.usatoday.com)	(115)

		Peyton Manning yelling at Donald Brown midplay. "GODDAMMIT DONALD"  (youtube.com)	(41)
		In the mid 80's, scientists transmitted the sounds of vaginal contractions towards neighbouring star systems. It is unclear what sort of reply we should expect, but it's sure to come hard and fast    (newscientist.com)	(64)
		Former NFL QB and ESPN analyst Sean Salisbury finally admits that he used his cell phone to take pics of his junk and displayed it to others  (usatoday.com)	(39)

		A slideshow on the origins of some popular brandnames. Submitter's favorite: "Australians have worn uggs for decades. Folklore has it the term is short for ugly". You don't say  (abcnews.go.com)	(16)
(MIT News)		Explained: Gallager codes. Still a little fuzzy: Carrot Top word search  (web.mit.edu)	(15)
		Bioshock 2 will have SecuROM DRM, online authentication, 5-game install limit, and require Games For Windows Live to save games. Except for, you know, the pirated copies which are already out  (arstechnica.com)	(213)
		Shots fired at the Texas Capitol building, which would have been okay had the shooter applied for the correct permit  (statesman.com)	(308)
		Body armor of the future may be based on the shells of deep sea snails. With pic of what a giant armored snail being attacked by a guy in chainmail wielding a lance may look like  (sciencedaily.com)	(64)
		Kevin Smith on Jersey Shore: "When Jay and Silent Bob seem like better role models than these dewberries, we're in trouble"  (time.com)	(244)
		White House will host carp summit to avoid a serious roe between states  (jsonline.com)	(53)

		Submitter made it to a minute and a half, challenges anyone to do better  (boingboing.net)	(208)
		Deadspin presents photos that suggest Venus Williams went commando. Submitter can't be certain, having stabbed his eyes out (maybe Not safe for work)  (deadspin.com)	(71)
(Some Guy)		School evacuated after Kermit the Frog found in parking lot  (dailycamera.com)	(137)
(NBC Washington)		Virginia governor wants to raise speed limit so instead of everybody speeding, almost everybody will be speeding  (nbcwashington.com)	(187)
		With Brown's victory, odds of health care reform have been downgraded to somewhere between "Cubs win World Series" and "Submitter gets a girlfriend"    (slate.com)	(404)

		Joe Perry says Aerosmith has "let their fans down." However, this apology only covers recent months, not the past thirty-five years  (contactmusic.com)	(21)
		Sequel to 'The Hangover' could star Zax Efron, Will Smith and "all the 'Twilight' guys with their shirts off"  (3news.co.nz)	(83)
		MIT graduate goes on trial today for trying to shoot some guys who flew to Pakistan to ask her why she wasn't illiterate like all the other women there  (boston.com)	(121)
		As bad as our system is, unlike Taiwan, we don't have Nancy Pelosi in a no holds barred cage fight with Mitch McConnel. Not that it wouldn't be entertaining, mind you  (news.yahoo.com)	(51)
		The military industrial complex is becoming the military technological complex  (latimes.com)	(59)

		When life imitates the plot to a Dr Seuss book, you know someone's going to get stabbed  (3news.co.nz)	(80)
		MIT scientists invent "food printer" in which ingredients are inserted into thingies, thingies are inserted into some doodad, and food comes out the bottom end with no waste produced or cooking knowledge needed  (treehugger.com)	(115)

(dark horizons)		Karate Kid remake starring Will Smith's son scored second-highest test screening score in Sony's history. THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE, AMERICA  (darkhorizons.com)	(88)
		Woman who summitted Everest climbs high ledge to rescue kitten in distress. "Sky" adopted in time for a happy Caturday  (komonews.com)	(1175)

(some vomiting guy)		"I think the record should reflect that the witness is vomiting"  (edmontonsun.com)	(74)
		Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee: "Oops - sorry about using the WTC to illustrate corporate greed in our attack ad"  (politico.com)	(175)
		Both Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson are learning that there IS actually a limit to how stupid and/or hateful you can be to victims of a tragedy before everyone starts calling you out as a dick  (news.yahoo.com)	(871)

Because flying didn't suck enough with fears of terrorism, TSA, flight delays, security lines, bagged liquids, weight limits and baggage fees, we now give you: midflight pickpockets  (abcnews.go.com)

(113)

		New research suggests that men are evolving faster than women; experts predict the ability to pick up one's own underwear off the floor should develop by the year 2025  (news.yahoo.com)	(148)
		Obama admits he hasn't united the country yet. But the way his approval numbers are falling, it's only a matter of time    (news.yahoo.com)	(137)
		President Obama plans on asking Congress for an even bigger war budget than President Bush. Suck it Nobel Committee  (news.yahoo.com)	(256)
		Beverly Hills is going to kick non-resident, or so-called "permit students" in kindergarden through 8th grade students out of their schools. Some people seem to have a problem with this  (news.yahoo.com)	(159)

(Some Guy)		The Cure's Robert Smith and Tim Burton have officially made a Disney film for middle-aged goths  (twentyfourbit.com)	(20)
(Some Guy)		Mark Sanford will have to decide if a county councilman arrested on a peeping tom charge committed a crime of "moral turpitude"  (theitem.com)	(32)
		Canada's second oldest magazine, proudly named "The Beaver" for more than 90 years, has finally admitted defeat in the face of modern-day perverts and spam filters and changed its name  (canada.com)	(84)
		Lisa Edelstein will do a nude scene on "House." Submitter just got an epiphany in his pants  (ausiellofiles.ew.com)	(160)
(Daily Caller)		"ObamaCare is great" says completely objective MIT professor who snagged $392,600 in no-bid contracts from the Obama Administration  (dailycaller.com)	(80)
		In the old days a speed trap consisted of a speed limit sign hidden behind a branch then a police officer hidden behind a bush. New technology eliminates the police officer  (baltimoresun.com)	(187)
(Chronicle of Higher Ed)		Admitting you don't recycle is like saying you want to boff Satan on a stack of burning Bibles: Environmentalism is the new secular religion  (chronicle.com)	(314)
		Netflix tracks which cities rent which movies more often. Submitter hopes to someday move from a Tyler Perry area to a "Caligula" area  (mentalfloss.com)	(142)
		Man whey over alcohol limit creams into the front windows of a dairy. Owner unhurt butter store was udderly destroyed. Cheese  (nzherald.co.nz)	(36)

		The face of Jesus appears on some naan bread at India Dining in Esher, Surrey. Or it might be a gob of hair cooked into the bread. Either way, submitter isn't eating there  (metro.co.uk)	(148)
		In a move that surprises nobody outside of St. Louis, Mark McGwire admits to steroid usage  (abcnews.go.com)	(396)
		America by the numbers: We commit suicide less than other countries. We spend less on food but are really fat. And the average man has only boffed 5 women, and he's lying about 3 of them  (washingtonpost.com)	(561)
(Hope Springs Eternal)		Newspapers still ahead in local news, says study reported on by an international news agency, published by a newspaper owned by the largest U.S. newspaper conglomerate, and submitted to whatever they're calling Fark these days  (news-leader.com)	(32)
		Patti Smith releasing an autobiography. Man, I loved her in Scandal  (rollingstone.com)	(32)

		Producers say there's no way Walt Disney will just let "Lost" end this year. "We just made a commitment to this group of characters whose stories are coming to a conclusion this May"  (popwatch.ew.com)	(62)
		M.I.A. says she's an untalented, terrible singer. About time someone admits it. Hopefully, other musicians will come out and admit they too are untalented. I'm looking at you, Nickelback, Creed, Jack White, and Animal Collective  (contactmusic.com)	(66)

		The latest politician to release a formal "Shut up Dick Cheney, you cock" would be the ranking member of the Foreign Relations Committee, Republican Senator Richard Lugar  (news.yahoo.com)	(112)
(FrontPage)		Foreign criminals be warned: if you commit a serious crime in Norway, you'll never escape the lifetime of free pension, welfare, and health insurance they'll hand you upon your release  (frontpagemag.com)	(111)

		Ok, you can all un-panic now, the Milky Way isn't going NOM NOM NOM as fast as we thought  (physorg.com)	(29)
		Asking 75-year olds to take college classes does not turn luxury retirement condos into school dormitories for purposes of zoning law. Nice try, though  (metrowestdailynews.com)	(28)

		Natalie Portman avoids sex scenes because of internet creeps like submitter  (telegraph.co.uk)	(158)
		I'm submitting this headline from the dashboard of my Internet-enabled 6000 SUX, and I'm getting a kic..... SCREEEEEEEECH........ **KAWHUMP**  (nytimes.com)	(90)

		Pelosi admits Obama campaign promises were BS  (politico.com)	(353)
		Scientists find group of stars which have an incredibly dense core and imitate the big bang, a discovery they've decided to call the "Hilton/Kardashian effect"  (newscientist.com)	(9)
		Legendary Memphis producer/arranger Willie Mitchell dies at 81 - if you ever used an Al Green record to close the deal, you can also thank Willie for gettin' you some  (npr.org)	(15)
(wbns)		Police investigation finds that cop who pretended to have cancer so he could collect more then $20,000 and 600 hours of sick leave didn't commit any crimes. In other news, Subby has cancer. Donations to the right  (10tv.com)	(113)

		Photoshop Kermit the Frog  (telegram.com)	(47)
		Lovie Smith's job is safe, but it appears he'll be replacing the remainder of his coaching staff  (chicagotribune.com)	(55)

		View from the very top of the Burj Dubai, the world's tallest building. Vertigo and vomiting in 3...2...1  (youtube.com)	(118)
		Former Bush officials support Obama's anti-terror policies but are afraid to admit it publicly because it might anger the Cheney  (huffingtonpost.com)	(145)
(Courthouse News)		Judge can't figure out why someone has a problem with his policy of randomly selecting people out of his courtroom and submitting them to an involuntary drug screening. "It's a routine policy of the court"  (courthousenews.com)	(202)
		Don't blame Lovie Smith for the Bears' terrible season. Okay, fair enough; we'll blame the owners. And Jay Cutler. And the fact that this is a team who relies on defensive victory. not offensive  (chicagotribune.com)	(53)

(Some Guy)		New WH rules on reducing amount of classified information includes rule allowing declassified info to become classified if anyone actually submits an FOIA request for it  (ace.mu.nu)	(47)
		Gilbert Arenas admits that pulling a gun on a teammate in the locker room was "bad judgment". Whew... glad we got that cleared up. Move along, nothing to see here  (cbsnews.com)	(34)
		Miley Cyrus's brother Trace wants to be famous, so he's trying to get Disney to give him a TV show. Goddammit  (contactmusic.com)	(68)

		Scientists: After years of research, we think women's "G-Spot" doesn't actually exist. Submitter (looking up from his porn): The what now?  (timesonline.co.uk)	(474)
		Got concealed gun? Check. Got permit to carry said gun? Check. Got both taken away by cop after he saw your gun, pointed his weapon in your face, discounted your "facially valid" permit and left you alone in a high crime area? Check  (examiner.com)	(579)
		In the prehistoric era, young cave dwellers played on pinball machines; this man has 867 of them and wants to start a museum; dadgummit, I say it's a worthy cause, and get off my lawn  (washingtonpost.com)	(93)

Man who burglarized Sen. Chris Dodd's office dies of injuries in prison. You might want to consider keeping your Banking Committee and Healthcare Reform criticisms to yourself  (courant.com)

(61)

		The bleeding-heart ostriches of the left are blaming (who else?) cowboy George W. Bush for radicalizing poor, oppressed Yemenis. They'll never admit that it's time we disabled this jihadi revolving door  (townhall.com)	(174)
		Image Mangling Retrospective 2009: Submit a compilation of your 'shops. It's our tradition DIT  (youtube.com)	(93)

		Best Buy will enter your home without permission; I mean, come on, if you're eight minutes away, you're practically home anyway. It's not like they committed a crime  (consumerist.com)	(204)
		Three teenagers commit robbery with a knife, a stick, and a plastic toy leg, finally letting the world know what comes below a stick in the hierarchy of weaponry  (stuff.co.nz)	(41)
		National Republican Congressional Committee chairman to billionaire Ponzi schemer: "I love you and believe in you"  (dailykos.com)	(90)

Guy Richie's Sherlock Holmes bastardization set a new record for biggest movie opening on Christmas. Goddammit, read a book, America  (hollywoodinsider.ew.com)

(193)

Driver says he had no idea he was breaking the law by going 98 mph because the speed limit signs weren't lit up  (news.bbc.co.uk)

(50)

(Some Antisocialist)		In Sweden, if you homeschool your kids, apparently they can take your kids away from you as you board a plane without a warrant or criminal charges and limit parental visits to one hour every five weeks. Happy Holidays  (hslda.org)	(263)
		Man stole so many jars of Marmite that shops began keeping it behind the counter like it was some sort of barf-inducing form of pseudoephedrin banned from 150 stores  (telegraph.co.uk)	(54)
		Trailer for Kevin Smith's new action/comedy "Cop Out", starring Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan on the left. Civil discussion over whether Kevin Smith sucks to the right  (examiner.com)	(129)

(smarter Travel)		Customers submit line-by-line instructions for how airlines can improve their business model. Airlines respond: "We can't hear you over the sound of how awesome we are."  (smartertravel.com)	(79)
(Autosport)		Michael Schumacher's return to F1 is official. You submitted a better headline but team orders dictated that it pull over for this one  (autosport.com)	(69)
		Turns out the Peace Prize wasn't the only prize the Nobel committee awarded by mistake this year  (physorg.com)	(42)

		Police: Foreigner behind Auschwitz sign theft, must have been cold as ice to commit such a crime, play head games with authorities  (ajc.com)	(95)
		Obama sarcastically belittles America's Judeo-Christian heritage with trite remarks typical of any atheistic antagonist: "...to base our policymaking on such commitments (as moral absolutes) would be a dangerous thing."  (townhall.com)	(398)
		Drivers who text are six times more likely to crash. Hah. Smug drivemitter submitted this headline while dr  (news.yahoo.com)	(308)

After yesterday's less than stellar performance, Lovie Smith is in danger of losing his job. Instead of, you know, Jay Cutler  (chicagotribune.com)

(114)

		Israel admits harvesting organs from Palestinians who didn't need them any more. Predictably, the anti-semites are making this sound bad  (guardian.co.uk)	(520)
		American media wins 2009 brown-nosing title for their coverage of Copenhagen summit or, as they put it, 'How Obama saved the world'  (blogs.telegraph.co.uk)	(205)

(Some Guy)

Civic Christmas display takes people back 350 years when Christmas was illegal, featuring burned Christmas trees, impaled robins and severed heads choking on mince pies. Submitter wishes he lived in those times, but now he's off to the mall  (yorkpress.co.uk)

(123)

		Attention last minute shoppers: "The Wii Supreme" is available only as a limited edition of three and can be yours for only $485,000  (foxnews.com)	(40)
		The twenty-five sexiest movies of all time; naturally, "9 1/2 Weeks" is on there, but "Mr. & Mrs Smith"? "Out of Sight"? Is this some heretofore unknown definition of sexy?  (ew.com)	(215)

(Petoskey News-Review)		Woman, 24, commits suicide by jumping off Mackinac Bridge in Michigan. "Apparently, she was depressed. That's the number one reason for suicide," says top-notch detective  (petoskeynews.com)	(155)
		The national debt has, "at least numerically," surpassed the new limit set by Congress just last week. "At least numerically"? Do we owe New Zealand a couple billion tons of sheep or something, too?  (cbsnews.com)	(165)
		Lions coach Jim Schwartz says his team's indomitable will will result in victories. Just kidding. He said his team has no talent and is comprised of "castoffs" from other NFL teams  (sports.yahoo.com)	(398)
		A private Canadian company says it will plant 1,176 trees to offset the carbon emitted by Air Force One when it carries President Barack Obama to Copenhagen for the international climate conference  (cnsnews.com)	(240)

		When the lead singer of a band who had one minor hit a decade or so ago refuses to join your group, you might just be Aerosmith  (3news.co.nz)	(81)
		Bud Selig forms advisory committee to "analyze ways of improving Major League Baseball on the field." Oh, you mean like speeding up the game and expanding instant replay to overturn the umps? Wait...those ARE on the table  (sports.yahoo.com)	(144)

Frank Zappa dressed like Mike Nesmith interviews Mike Nesmith dressed as Frank Zappa  (youtube.com)

(41)

		Tom Harkin may reintroduce legislation to kill the unlimited filibuster. One of his top allies the last time he tried this? Joe Lieberman  (huffingtonpost.com)	(82)
(Some American Idiot)		Let's see, we've had Guitar Hero Aerosmith, Metallica, and Van Halen as well as The Beatles: Rock Band. So clearly, the next step in musical evolution is Green Day  (rttnews.com)	(130)
		Let's see now, √((r²-l²)+(l+k)² - (√(r²-l²)-w)²)-l-... GOD DAMMIT, Get out of my parking spot  (telegraph.co.uk)	(160)
(Some Guy)		Scientists trying to figure how to program battlefield robots to feel guilt. Submitter would suggest putting his mom in charge of raising them  (volokh.com)	(34)
(Some Guy)		Police hope new 'tattoo camera' will help them solve crimes committed by people with tattoos - or in other words, nearly all crimes  (belfasttelegraph.co.uk)	(35)

(Future Pundit)		Hourly employees are happier than salaried employees. You would have submitted this with a funnier headline, except you had to drag your exempt ass back to your cubicle to finish those TPS reports  (futurepundit.com)	(146)
		Woman is going to graduate from college and get married on the same day. Meanwhile you're in your sixth year of college and still haven't made a commitment to the girl you've been living with for four years  (desmoinesregister.com)	(89)

		For Hanukkah, go play some No Limit Texas Dreidel  (abcnews.go.com)	(35)
(Some Guy)		"Mittens are adorable. They are warm and fuzzy. To wear them is to be transported to a childhood of snowball fights and hot chocolate. If they were any more Canadian, they'd speak politely and smell like maple syrup"  (vancouversun.com)	(50)
		CNN commits actual journalism, confronts Al Gore with Climategate evidence. Sweating, lying, hilarity ensue (with video)  (deceiver.com)	(604)
		Bird-shaped restaurant headed for auction. Owners not expecting to tern a profit, but admit they have no egrets. Yes, these puns are ostrich, but owl bet there'll be more  (upi.com)	(90)

(some MIT scientists)		MIT project aims to reinvent AI. Prepare to welcome robot overloards, hide Sarah Connor  (web.mit.edu)	(50)
(NME)		The White Stripes will release a limited edition documentary boxed set that will retail for $179. Their fans will have to work extra hard playing acoustic sets outside of Borders in order to afford it  (nme.com)	(33)
		Nanny State admits that it has a policy of not encouraging bright students in school because it makes them think they're smarter than other people and that's "elitism"  (dailymail.co.uk)	(257)
		Amidst tales of 1,200 limos and 140 private planes one prominent politician dares to fly commercial to the climate change summit: John Kerry  (cnsnews.com)	(202)

		On his blog, Thomas Dolby blinds Star Wars fans with a new hope upon mentioning how his friend is working on the new Star Wars TV show, movie, and online games. Yes, you saw that. "Movie." Goddammitsomuch, George Lucas  (io9.com)	(107)
		Smith also admitted to police that she sodomized the victim, saying, "that she did this as a joke."  (bangordailynews.com)	(313)

(Flavorwire)		It's hard to admit, but what some people thought would be "The Jimmy Fallon Nervous Giggle and Awkward Audience Silence Hour" has actually turned out to be pretty cool  (flavorwire.com)	(92)
(Some Government Technology)		"Other competitors included the irreverent Web community at Fark.com..."  (govtech.com)	(4)
		Media admits they're very, very thankful for their early present this holiday season: "God bless Tiger"  (blogs.news.sky.com)	(29)

		Joe Lieberman (I-nsurance industry) admits public option will save money, will kill it to protect insurer profits  (washingtonpost.com)	(313)
		Massive robotic dinosaur is on the loose in Mexico. Submitter can't really think of anything more friggin' awesome than that (pic)  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(41)
		Mercifully, Lenny Kravitz will not join Aerosmith  (rollingstone.com)	(46)
(Some Guy)		"Social networking is actually a way of keeping people at a distance - a way of having 'friends' but not having any of the commitments and duties of friendship"  (belfasttelegraph.co.uk)	(57)
		Admittedly, Scotswomen do tend to be somewhat round, pale and lumpy, but that's still no reason to go after one with a potato peeler  (news.stv.tv)	(54)

		What happens when a bunch of idiots don Pac-Man costumes and run around public places imitating Pac-Man gameplay? The following video will give you a pretty good idea  (liveleak.com)	(51)
		1,200 limos, 140 private planes and caviar wedges galore. Yep, the Climate Summit  (telegraph.co.uk)	(590)

		U.S. Air Force ends ban on recruits with tattoos on their saluting arms, admitting yeah, they'll pretty much take whatever they can get these days  (guardian.co.uk)	(374)
		New generation of 'time over distance' speed cameras will track your car for distances of more than 15 miles and give you a ticket if your average speed is higher than the posted limits, even by 1 mph. It's all about the safety  (telegraph.co.uk)	(127)
		Turns out MIT is slightly better than FARK at finding giant red balloons  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(120)

(Some Guy)		MIT and Harvard researchers make a 16 GPU super-computer so they can finally play Crysis; also happens to mimic human vision recognition  (web.mit.edu)	(48)
(DARPA)		MIT team wins DARPA balloon challenge. Thanks for all of your effort, Farkers. We put up a good fight  (networkchallenge.darpa.mil)	(245)
		"The carbon footprint of the global warming summit will be the only impressive consequence of the climate-change meeting"  (washingtonpost.com)	(91)
(officer.com)		"This guy was not back in society to try to be a productive member of society. He's definitely going to try to wreck havoc." Dammit, that's all we need... wrecked havoc  (officer.com)	(37)
		Your annual "Man Dressed as Santa Claus Commits XYZ Crime" story brought to you by Southeastern Pensylvania  (cbs3.com)	(17)

		ACORN bribes activist judges to commit election fraud in Ohio  (dailykos.com)	(148)
(Some Guy)		Slim-Fast recalls canned shakes due to contamination that will result in vomiting and diarrhea, even though those are undeniably effective methods of losing weight  (vancouversun.com)	(18)
		Peaches joins James Brown, The Strokes and Aerosmith as Harvard Lampoon honorary member. Shaving clearly isn't a prerequisite  (idolator.com)	(31)
(Some Guy)		Woman admits to killing her 18-year-old sister over a pair of hair straighteners. (w/ ugly sister-hot sister picture)  (heraldsun.com.au)	(235)

		Manatee juveniles commit fewer crimes, but are more violent. It must be all those propeller strikes  (heraldtribune.com)	(30)
		If there was any doubt as to which list William C. Caldwell III of Georgia is on, it was eliminated when he dressed as an elf and told a mall Santa that he was carrying dynamite. With pic of what an elf probably doesn't look like  (news.yahoo.com)	(92)
		Obama meeting with business leaders and economists today for a "jobs summit." At least there will be jobs created for the people who cook and distribute catered lunches  (money.cnn.com)	(87)
(Some Paranoid guy)		Remember 2006, when Canada was spying on the US with transmitters hidden in coins? No, you wouldn't remember, because the government kept it secret and then said it was all a lie  (phillyburbs.com)	(82)

		Will Smith has the sense to put the brakes on the inevitable "Hancock" sequel  (contactmusic.com)	(65)
(Some Guy)		Distillers told they can no longer run ads claiming that 'alcohol increases attractiveness.' You would have submitted this with a better headline early Sunday morning, but you were trying to chew your arm off at the time  (viewlondon.co.uk)	(22)
		"The pub has become just another dispiriting example of how we have opted for mediocrity and uniformity"  (news.stv.tv)	(29)

		Armed-sea-creature gap between US and Russia widens as scientists design robotic clams to detonate underwater mines  (livescience.com)	(34)
		Maryland launches computer system that automatically adjusts the speed limit to be below whatever speed you're driving  (wtop.com)	(61)
		...and here's another article claiming that Obama is an alien  (cnews.canoe.ca)	(25)
		"James T Kirk, the Star Trek captain, was based on a young new president, John F Kennedy... the Obama administration is part of a 1960s-type revival. Except this time, Kirk isn't in charge. Spock is"  (3news.co.nz)	(173)

		Scientists admit that they dump...that the dog ate much of the raw temperature data on which their predictions of global warming are based  (timesonline.co.uk)	(382)
		70 years ago today Tina Turner was born in Nutbush, Tennessee. And made the town famous with this song. Nutbush City Limits...Ike's sorry baby  (youtube.com)	(26)
		Publishers of newsletter for hermits provide "sense of community" for those who choose to live apart. You know, for the sociable hermits  (cbsnews.com)	(52)
		Mohammed was a young boy living in Iraq when he caught the eye of a major in the National Guard. "Will you save me?" the boy said to Maj. Howell. Five months later, Howell got Mohammed a visa, a passport, and a commitment from surgeons  (detnews.com)	(75)

		Forget killer bees. Here come super termites  (news.com.au)	(39)
		Beck to Palin "go make me a sammitch"  (gawker.com)	(169)
		Green Bay has Cheeseheads that use foam immitations on their heads... The Grey Cup bound Saskatchewan Roughriders have forced all Watermelons in Western Canada to be diverted to Calgary this weekend  (cbc.ca)	(39)

		Long lost ghost trap keeps catching crabs. But enough about Anna Nicole Smith  (kansascity.com)	(34)
		Less than 24 hours after trumpeting his Allen Iverson retirement scoop, Stephen A. Smith is backtracking, reporting that Iverson is having a "change of heart"  (sportsbybrooks.com)	(21)
		Anonymous reviewer says that Avatar, at $237 million, is "literally vomit inducing." Makers of Gigli consider trademark-infringement lawsuit  (guardian.co.uk)	(187)
(Xinhua)		Scientists discover primitive emotion-like behavior in fruit flies. Next week's news: PETA demands rights for fruit flies  (news.xinhuanet.com)	(14)
(Some Malicious Town)		Paul Weller will play two concerts at London's Royal Albert Hall, continues to be irritated when fans ask him what it was like working with Ronny Cox and Kurtwood Smith  (nme.com)	(26)

(WTHR)

Indiana schools face an epidemic of "ball tapping." You thought of a better headline, but were too busy crying on the floor in the fetal position to submit it  (wthr.com)

(347)

Brady Quinn is dating Olympic gymnast Alicia Sacramone. With pics of what 21-year-old gymnasts may look like. In unrelated news, submitter has never been so jealous of a relatively ineffective QB in his life  (sportsbybrooks.com)

(101)

		Half of drivers age 18-34 admit texting on the road; the other half reponded with ;)  (suntimes.com)	(370)
(Some Guy)		Vatican hosts conference on extrasolar life, highlights need for that whole warp-drive thing  (christianpost.com)	(122)

		Genetics anti-bias law takes effect today, forcing insurance companies, employers to use outward appearance to discriminate against you  (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(94)
		Welcome to Silly Saturday, where Florida faces mighty Florida International, Alabama takes on majestic Chattanooga, Texas suits up against powerhouse Kansas, TCU tries to tame indomitable Wyoming and other complete mismatches  (rivals.yahoo.com)	(1463)

(Some Guy)		Dammit.. addictive maize game. Can't get past level 4  (maniacworld.com)	(104)
		Human Fat found in cosmetics. You submitted this with a Tyler Durden reference  (theage.com.au)	(190)
		Maloofs commit regicide, kill off Monarchs  (sacbee.com)	(20)
(MIT)		MIT invents liquid metal battery to power the electric grid, find Sarah Conner  (web.mit.edu)	(34)
		"Black Friday" tricks shoppers need to know. When it says "no rainchecks" and "limited quantities," the store has two of that item, and one is probably broken  (money.cnn.com)	(56)
		Music teacher jailed for playing skin flute. You submitted this with A minor joke    (news.com.au)	(113)
(wbbm780)		Dumbest things you do with your money: retalitory spending, hoarding, and monthly website subscriptions  (wbbm780.com)	(52)

		"All you Palin haters out there force me to root for her. There is little doubt the left is using her to create ugly stereotypes and attack limited-government types across the country  (denverpost.com)	(336)
		Billy Corgan gets publicly psychoanalyzed: "Do I need to be committed?"  (blogs.villagevoice.com)	(20)
(Some Ladylike Dude)		Aerosmith believes that Steven Tyler may be abusing drugs. Perish the thought  (nme.com)	(28)
		For those who worship at the altar of Tom Waits I submit: N.A.S.A. feat. Tom Waits + Kool Keith: "Spacious Thoughts"  (boingboing.net)	(16)
		Jets' head coach Rex Ryan unashamed about crying during team meeting, says their playoff chances are still real to him, dammit  (sports.espn.go.com)	(12)