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Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		FBI releases file on Steve Jobs which notes that he used LSD in his past. Well that at least explains the iMac  (wired.com)	(95)
		Senators circulating resolution urging Obama not to try anything sensible like trying to "contain" a nuclear-armed Iran diplomatically the way we did the Soviet Union, but instead go straight to the bombs and tanks  (news.yahoo.com)	(128)
		New Jersey and nine other states given permission to leave a few children behind  (nypost.com)	(107)
		Arizona court forces potential candidate off of city council ballot because her English isn't good enough, setting a dangerous precedent that may leave the entirety of the south ungoverned  (news.blogs.cnn.com)	(389)
		For the first time in over 300 years England once again has a Prince of Wales who is capable of leading a charge of armored cavalry- AIR Cavalry that is  (boston.com)	(93)
		Release the Cracken  (celebitchy.com)	(64)
		Like a typical politician, Obama wants to be reelected, raise money AND make clear policy distinctions with his opposition. How droll, how uncouth, how offensive to sensibilities of our cherished political punditry. Have you no shame sir?  (politico.com)	(44)
		The "mystery" behind the deaths of the Iranian nuclear scientists has been solved. Guess who? Go ahead. Guess  (rockcenter.msnbc.msn.com)	(324)
		Toppling TVs have crushed four Chicago children since October, so clearly it's time to start putting warning labels on these Doom Tubes and maybe start requiring protective gear to watch them  (usatoday.com)	(120)
		Attention all: Please join in this protest of Apple's working conditions in hopes to create an "ethical" manufacturing environment - sent from my iPhone  (money.cnn.com)	(51)
		Insiders are selling their stock at almost Gaussian proportions. This is clearly a sign that the end times are near and you should convert your 401(k) to canned goods and ammo  (marketwatch.com)	(10)
		Senator Constance Johnson (D-iddle) attaches anti-masturbation amendment to personhood bill in Oklahoma. At least someone is thinking about the kittens  (thinkprogress.org)	(150)
		Late autumn expected in Michigan, Leafs will be blowing outside in January  (espn.go.com)	(29)

(IEEE Spectrum)		(Almost) everyone loves the Taiwanese media animations of current news events. Now, learn the cool story of the man behind the Next Media madness (and how they do it so quickly)  (spectrum.ieee.org)	(28)
		From the "Why Haven't They Been Doing That All Along?" files: Congress introduces legislation to limit levels of lead and arsenic in fruit juice. Next up - Bringing down the levels of broken glass in breakfast cereal  (consumerist.com)	(104)
		Chicago learns the hard way that elementary school children can sneak gang symbols into contest artwork just like adults can  (chicagotribune.com)	(140)
		Why XXXXX mothers are superior. Never has there been a more misleading headline  (stltoday.com)	(77)
		Fabio Capello resigns as England soccer coach. Who would have thought an Italian would leave a sinking ship?  (dailymail.co.uk)	(39)
		Ok, for the last time, the 7-year-old girls in Walmart are NOT free samples. Please make a note of it  (ajc.com)	(64)
(q13fox.com)		I-N-T-E-S-T-I-N-A-L I-L-L-N-E-S-S breaks out at cheerleading tournament  (q13fox.com)	(101)
		TV anchor learns how not to pet a dog  (thedenverchannel.com)	(262)
		Five things we learned from Tuesday's Santorum sweep. 1. Republicans aren't taking this primary thing seriously. 2. Republicans who are taking this primary thing seriously don't use Google   (politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com)	(89)
		Twitter troll learns the hard way that you shouldn't call the Queen of England a "benefits scrounger" if you're on the public payroll yourself  (express.co.uk)	(104)
		Paul says GOP result opens up door, hints at getting on floor, may lead to walking of dinosaur  (news.yahoo.com)	(54)
(Some Guy)		If you ever wanted the pleasure of having the measles AND you were at the Super Bowl village last Friday, I have some good news for you  (fox59.com)	(58)
		Mitt Romney's latest proposal has been denounced by TEA party leaders, The Club For Growth, and the US Chamber of Commerce and described as "class warfare". The proposal? Making sure the minimum wage keeps up with inflation  (news.yahoo.com)	(286)

		Woman leads hundreds in free yoga classes on the beach. County: She must be stopped  (mysuncoast.com)	(74)
		Hollywood might have learned that trying to adapt board games that were invented nearly a century ago into modern blockbusters is possibly a poor idea  (nymag.com)	(106)
		Iowa City CrimeStoppers release surveillance photo of man stealing a "Fark Me Silly #1" model "mega masturbator" from adult toy store  (thesmokinggun.com)	(89)
		"Our Founders designed a system that makes it more difficult for me to do as I damn well please" Thank God  (thehill.com)	(162)
		Doctor jailed for conducting thorough examination of epilepsy patient. By which I mean squeezing her breasts, stripping her naked and performing an internal examination. Still, at least he ruled out lupus  (bbc.co.uk)	(44)
(Some Guy With Cool Shoes)		A Maryland mall is evacuated, and goes into lock down after: A) There are credible warnings of a terrorist threat, B) There is a massive gas leak, or C) Sneakers go on sale?  (baltimore.cbslocal.com)	(128)
		14 Dickens masterpieces summarized in 140 characters or less. #pleasecanihavesomemore   (mirror.co.uk)	(26)

(411Mania)		Latest ABCNews poll has President Obama leading Mitt Romney 51-45%, and by more than 2 to 1, voters say that the more they learn about Romney, the less they like him. This is bad news...for Obama  (411mania.com)	(172)
		Herbicide 'Atrazine' associated with birth defects, low birth weights, and menstrual problems in humans. Study leads to instant ban. Just kidding, it's still the second-most commonly used herbicide in the US  (io9.com)	(33)
		Daredevil, who obviously has a death wish, is preparing to break the sound barrier with a leap from the edge of space from 23 miles high, not deploying his parachute until he's 5000 feet from the ground  (dailymail.co.uk)	(198)
(Some Guy)		NJ bill would require kids to stay in school until age 18, leaving those who actually graduate when they are 17 in an awkward predicament  (nbcphiladelphia.com)	(170)
(Some Guy)		I'm Tom Bodett, and we'll leave cocaine for ya  (wavy.com)	(51)
		Louisiana congressman thought an Onion story about Planned Parenthood opening an "$8 Billion Abortionplex" was real. Hey, at least he can read  (uproxx.com)	(129)
		Infected cruise ship pulls out of port after being cleaned. Personally, I blame the infection on bad seamen  (sun-sentinel.com)	(21)
		So far Doritos is leading the pack as this year's favorite Super Bowl ad. Not find behind are Bud Light, M&M's and Skechers. Is America getting it right? (top 5 clips)  (bittenandbound.com)	(145)
(Some Guy)		"I only called that black student 'Chocolate Boy' on hidden camera, while pointing at him because I was handing out candies." Necco, please  (610wiod.com)	(163)
		Academic experts release 200 page paper showing that online dating doesn't always go well  (washingtonpost.com)	(293)

		Looks like Stella Hudgens has been taking attention whoring lessons from her big sister, Vanessa. She has learned well  (dailymail.co.uk)	(113)
		Can the players refrain from taking a bite out of the tasty piggy cheerleaders? Will the water dish be befouled? Can you stand the cuteness of it all? It's Puppy Bowl VIII, 3 PM ET on Animal Planet  (animal.discovery.com)	(29)
		Patriots' Tiquan Underwood enters the Super Bowl trivia book as the only player to be released the night before the game  (deadspin.com)	(65)
		Think your boss is bad? At least he doesn't limit your to a total of eight minutes of bathroom time per day and uses a surveillance system to keep you honest  (huffingtonpost.com)	(90)

		Beleaguered Arsenal FC boss Arsene Wenger uses Sam Wyche Gambit in front of disgruntled supporters group: 'At least we're not like Liverpool'  (thesun.co.uk)	(10)
		Newt Gingrich sued for assault and battery. At least he didn't rape and murder a girl in 1990, so he's got that going for him  (tmz.com)	(84)
		Failed booby-grab attempt leads to self-amputation of limb  (youtube.com)	(42)

		Queen chooses new Queen to be lead singer of Queen. Queen  (dailymail.co.uk)	(78)
(Some Guy)		Dejected bank robber wearing shorts on his head, not covering his face, leaves without money when teller nearly laughs at him. With pic of what a shorts-on-head bank robber looks like  (keysnet.com)	(36)
		Worker falls into nuclear reactor pool trying to recover flashlight. Worst. Origin. Story. Ever.  (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(99)
(Some Guy)		London's first "shared space" road is a misery for drivers, blind people, and cleaners, but at least it looks weird  (thisislondon.co.uk)	(107)
		In a shocking and totally unpredictable move, GOP leaders look to renege on the defense limit cuts called for in last years sequester deal. Obama and Democrats flabbergasted   (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(121)
		Romney calls Leon Panetta "misguided and naive" for announcing US troop pull out of Afghanistan, because if he hadn't said anything the Taliban would NEVER HAVE KNOWN we were thinking about leaving  (news.yahoo.com)	(53)
		America: Love it or leave it*. *$450 charge for leaving it  (nydailynews.com)	(136)
		Utah prosecutors clear police of all charges for using pepper spray and batons on a group of Polynesian students performing a haka at a football game, because no one in Utah can be expected to have the slightest idea what a haka is  (stuff.co.nz)	(73)
(Some Shoggoth)		Group of scientists searching the Antarctic for a lake buried for tens of millions of years suddenly stop responding to colleagues, Miskatonic officials  (globalpost.com)	(311)
		'Liberal' leaning Fark gets mentioned in a WAAY TV story about Alabama State Senator Shadrack McGill and his controversial statements  (waaytv.com)	(37)

		Retired Supreme Court Justice O'Connor on the two leading Republican candidates, "one is a practicing polygamist, and he's not even the Mormon." Please deposit "Oh Snap" images to the right  (washingtonpost.com)	(68)
		Susan G. Komen foundation says the whole Planned Parenthood thing is a just a silly misunderstanding and to please not stop sending them money and don't boycott their sponsors  (content.usatoday.com)	(202)
		Leaked plan from Microsoft details the next version of Windows Phone. It's pretty much full of win  (engadget.com)	(86)
(Calgary Sun)		New distracted driving law leads to drivers who are even more distracted than before  (calgarysun.com)	(94)
		With Leather gives points to Fark for drawing their attention to a story about "Glee" and the NFL  (withleather.uproxx.com)	(1)
		For sale. One US Presidency. Asking $1 billion. Serious rich buyers only, please  (latimes.com)	(153)
		Problem: Newt Gingrich needs to woo women voters. Solution: RELEASE THE CALLISTAKEN  (dailymail.co.uk)	(50)
(Some Guy)		NASA releases video of the dark side of the moon, which surprisingly syncs perfectly with the soundtrack to "The Wizard of Oz"  (geek.com)	(50)
		Obama: Look, Taliban. I'm a tough war president. I'll negotiate an end to war, but I'm no pushover. Taliban: Okay. Do us a favor first and release these top five leaders from Gitmo. You know, as a gesture. Obama: Super-dooper, guys  (foxnews.com)	(72)
		Remember back in 2009 after the economy shiat the bed and the experts said Americans had learned how to be frugal again? Well, we're back to buying expensive lattes and renewing magazine subscriptions  (mnn.com)	(104)
		Seattle library lets man watch internet porn, presumably because it's easier to clean the computer screen than to unstick book pages  (seattlepi.com)	(47)
		Years later, Michael Irvin makes New Orleans Saints fans cry  (wwl.com)	(31)
		Remember that lady who sued Honda over false mileage claims? Well, she just taught them a lesson in civics  (suntimes.com)	(97)

		Tiny amount of radiation 'could have' leaked from nuclear power plant but there's absolutely nothing to worry about, say officials in Japan. Oops, I mean California  (mercurynews.com)	(101)
		Holding it in your mouth for a while before spitting could be beneficial. At least that's what Shi said  (cbsnews.com)	(21)
		At least 73 people dead and scores injured as rivals clash in Egypt. Against the government? No, football  (aljazeera.com)	(149)
		Arab League goes before UN to plead for help in stopping Syrian govt massacring its own people. Guess which nation is putting a kibosh on any assistance  (aljazeera.com)	(68)
		How to survive tornados. Step 1: leave Missouri and Oklahoma. Step 2: repeat Step 1 as necessary  (huffingtonpost.com)	(32)
		After 20 years of drilling, scientists have almost reached a subglacial lake in Antarctica that hasn't seen daylight in 20 million years. Which means great scientific advances or the release of an unstoppable evil from its tomb, hard to say  (washingtonpost.com)	(124)
		Minecraft developer learns the hard way that when you crowd-source your translations, you deal with people who annoy you  (joystiq.com)	(44)
		Toronto Maple Leafs go up 4-1, only to lose to the Pittsburgh Penguins 5-4 in a shootout. All in great Maple Leafs fashion  (scores.espn.go.com)	(73)
		Old man decides his car needs a good cleaning after driving through the farmers market  (liveleak.com)	(21)
		Backlash: Osama Bin Laden death photos may be released after all. Judicial Watch has sued for release of the materials under Freedom of Information Law, and they apparently have a case  (nydailynews.com)	(237)

		The most polite "Fark you, you S.O.B." letter it's ever been subby's pleasure to read  (news.yahoo.com)	(260)
		Madonna says she's going to keep all her clothes on during the Super Bowl halftime show, so at least it will be an original performance  (starpulse.com)	(63)
		The Obama campaign has found at least $500,000 of the $1.2B missing from MF Global  (weeklystandard.com)	(69)
		Woman learns the hard way that pythons don't like to cuddle  (upi.com)	(67)
		I'm voting for Newt today, just as a protest vote against the sleazy and Nixonian liberal RINO Willard Mittons  (townhall.com)	(164)
		I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly squealed with pleasure, and then squealed some more  (thesun.co.uk)	(27)
		John thought he could casually walk into the supermarket, pour bleach on the chicken and pork, and slip out without anyone noticing. But something - SOMETHING - made him stand out (w/ mugshot goodness)  (myfoxdc.com)	(120)
(Some Guy)		Sports news: Topps releases 2012 baseball card set. Fark : St Louis Cardinal Skip Schumaker was replaced by a squirrel  (inquisitr.com)	(38)
		Man pleads no contest to multiple counts of assault and battery with toy lightsabers, and one count of impersonation of a jedi. With "that's no jedi" mugshot  (msnbc.msn.com)	(45)
		"Ladies and gentlemen, please be advised we may experience some chop up a head"  (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(49)
		Award-winning teacher had sex with two students, kissed a third and sexted a fourth. Yeah, I'd say that at least deserves an award for effort, if nothing else  (cbc.ca)	(83)
		People aren't watching the Republican debates to learn about the issues - "It's like you're tuning in to a car race, you really want to see if there's a wreck"  (huffingtonpost.com)	(66)
(Some Guy)		Julian Assange to appear on The Simpsons, sexually assault Miss Krabappel, leak all of Mr. Burns' secret files   (theclicker.today.msnbc.msn.com)	(16)
		Movie studio realizes that the only way a movie about Stretch Armstrong could be a worse idea was if Taylor Lautner was the lead  (hitfix.com)	(39)
(Some Guy)		Walkin' your dog off leash? That's a taserin'  (hmbreview.com)	(163)
(maine squash league)		Maine Squash League celebrates making the main page of FARK with a full page capture of the historic event  (mainesquashleague.com)	(1)
		Religious leaders falling over themselves in scramble to excommunicate philosopher who's building a temple to atheism  (dailymail.co.uk)	(405)

(Some Dawg)		SEC cheerleaders are stereotyped as Southern belles...And then there's Georgia's Anna Watson, the Lou Ferrigno of cheerleading  (lostlettermen.com)	(110)
		Dear Google: Please get off the lawn you built for me  (infoworld.com)	(56)
		You have a fight with your pregnant girlfriend - do you a) take the blame even if it's not your fault. b) walk away and come back when things cool down. c) rip off all of her clothes and leave her naked in the street. HINT: Florida Tag  (beatcalls.com)	(64)
		Sarah Palin's Facebook followers revolt against her support of Newt Gingrich and leave broken pieces of taco shells all over the place  (theatlantic.com)	(140)
(Kitsap Sun)		Drunk 21 year old enters wrong apartment, climbs into bed with 80 year old woman. He told police nothing happened, at least nothing he wanted to admit  (kitsapsun.com)	(35)
		Michelle Obama stimulus for Barack's package leads to increased sales  (telegraph.co.uk)	(56)
		Deceased multimillionaire leaves $1.5 million to chauffeur and doorman. Stiffed ex-wife is nonplussed, but classy: "He could f*ck a nun. I couldn't give a sh*t. We're divorced. The man is dead"  (nypost.com)	(128)
		Man leaves Catholic church, can't get off god's mailing list  (npr.org)	(101)
(Some Guy)		Embattled Real Madrid coach Jose Mourinho tired of drama in Spain, allegedly has decided to return to English Premier League this summer. Immortal quote: "It's not about the money"  (adifferentleague.co.uk)	(39)

		Candidate who was barred from running because she doesn't speak English proficiently vows appeal. At least that's what they think she said, not really sure  (news.yahoo.com)	(227)
		Joseph Gordon Leavitt: Please, leave hipsters alone  (gothamist.com)	(132)
		100 Occupy protesters learn that an illegal demonstration is when you stick around after the police tell you to move your legal demonstration. Oh, and when you tear down a fence to take over an empty building  (latimes.com)	(224)

		A Republican member of the Indiana General Assembly withdrew his bill to create a pilot program for drug testing welfare applicants Friday after one of his Democratic colleagues amended the measure to require drug testing for lawmakers  (huffingtonpost.com)	(110)
		As the GOP race comes down to just Gingrich and Romney, the voters are being heard loud and clear and they are saying "Is there maybe a third choice we could look at?"  (news.yahoo.com)	(468)
		Christian leader condemns new Star Wars MMO because it allows gay relationships -- forgetting, of course, that gamers don't have sexual relationships of any kind, gay or straight  (rawstory.com)	(414)
		The 10 best director's cuts. List is incomplete until Garry Marshall's four hour redux of New Year's Eve is released  (shortlist.com)	(171)
		Time capsule buried under Maple Leaf Gardens found. Box contains old newspapers from 1931, rule books, ivory elephant and a strange relic called a "playoff ticket"  (news.nationalpost.com)	(18)

(TheFW.com)		Not looking forward to another boring Super Bowl? At least you don't have to endure one of these boring football songs. "Let's Ram It" indeed  (thefw.com)	(12)
		Jackie Gleason's plan to get to the Moon would work about as well as Gingrich's   (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(56)
		Clear your desks, everybody. It's Friday, time for the Fark Weird News Quiz  (fark.com)	(53)
		Gamer discovers that some flight sims have a bit of a learning curve. Contains strong language  (liveleak.com)	(80)
		Why did the U.S. drop nuclear bombs on Spain?  (boingboing.net)	(76)
		Chysler 300C once leased by President Obama now on eBay. He drove it until 2007. That's when he started to run for president and coincidentally traded it in for a Ford Escape hybrid  (wgal.com)	(81)
		Cycle imbalance leads to catastrophic mechanical failure. It's so...beautiful  (liveleak.com)	(55)
(Gateway Pundit)		Obama leaves event promoting clean energy in motorcade of 22 gasoline-powered vehicles  (thegatewaypundit.com)	(105)
		Vanessa Paradis' choice of low cut dress without having enough to fill it out leaves fashion critics flat  (dailymail.co.uk)	(36)
		Ship-bridge collision leaves Kentucky driver with great story for his grandchildren  (usatoday.com)	(28)
(Some Guy)		Cleveland Browns beat reporter learns that the difference between a private and public Tweet can cost you your job and that some NFL owners are very thin skinned   (profootballtalk.nbcsports.com)	(41)
		Orlando Magic take revenge on injured Celtics after Wednesday's embarrassing 31 point loss. Just kidding - they lose again by blowing a 27 point lead and scoring only 8 points in 4th quarter  (usatoday.com)	(20)
		Woman orgasms during MRI... here are the nuclear launch validation codes, and the coordinates for multiple targets, have at it  (thechart.blogs.cnn.com)	(75)
		Another politician learns the valuable lesson on the difference between the "reply" button and the "reply to all" button  (wral.com)	(184)

		What terrible things that you swore you'd never never do have you learned from your parents? Have drugs/therapy helped?  (youtube.com)	(260)
		Ethically challenged and disgraced former House majority leader Tom Delay criticizes ethically challenged and disgraced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich  (content.usatoday.com)	(61)
		Son of U.S. Transportation Secretary will not be allowed to leave Egypt, according to Egyptian officials hoping to get Seal Team 6's autographs  (news.nationalpost.com)	(44)
		Obvious For the 75th year in a row, the Chamber of Commerce train leaves New Jersey for its yearly 'Walk to Washington' event. Otherwise known as the schmooooooooooooooze train  (nj.com)	(10)
(Some Guy)		Man breaks a window on a campus building, climbs a tree to enter through the second story window, steals a book, then leaps from the second story without injury. If only he hadn't left his backpack with his name on it in the tree  (thestarpress.com)	(7)
		While you were busy forcing your 8-year-old daughter to watch My Little Ponies so you had an excuse to watch, this little girl was learning to shred  (break.com)	(36)
		Feds believe Washington pharmacies gave used drugs to nursing homes. Man, I hope they at least cleaned the suppositories first  (seattlepi.com)	(17)
		Man challenges 40 friends to spend at least $20 at a local hardware store that has been around since 1857. Things just snowballed from there and the store had their best day in years. This is the way to take back America  (finance.yahoo.com)	(82)
		Premiere League soccer is headed for the same fate as the NFL. With pic of fans who understand why  (telegraph.co.uk)	(44)
		This just in: Nice Hair is back in the lead over Angry Womanizer in Florida. As usual, Old Anarchist and Jesus Loves Me still in it for the free publicity  (thedailybeast.com)	(53)
(Some Guy)		Kurt Warner invests in an Indian professional football league which will likely be the biggest sports-related boondoggle of the year  (bizjournals.com)	(35)
		Columnist says Microsoft suffers from "premature innovation". That must be why they leave so many unsatisfied  (seattlepi.com)	(31)
		Birdman is going to place a bigger bet on the Super Bowl than you'll make in your life. Leaves subby stuntin' like his daddy  (sports.yahoo.com)	(40)
		Disney pulls Joy Division-inspired t-shirt, leaves customers with open orders hanging  (rollingstone.com)	(59)

		AZ man arrested for refusing to leave jail  (philly.com)	(29)
		After three murders in five days, Pleasantville doesn't seem so pleasant anymore  (nj.com)	(40)
(Emirates 24/7)		Things most girls do with grandma: learn crafts, cook. Things most girls don't do with grandma: pose together in lingerie for a photo shoot  (emirates247.com)	(112)
		All of the Knicks players who scored more than one point in last night's game please rise. Not so fast, Carmelo  (nypost.com)	(27)
		Please refrain from donating grenades to the Salvation Army  (sun-sentinel.com)	(29)
		Oh yeah this seems fair: The teams playing in the Superbowl get to split 35% of the available seats at the Stadium to offer to their season ticket holders and players-and that's after the league takes 12,000 seats off the top  (news.yahoo.com)	(63)
		Aww man, I was really hoping for Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind and Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2,3,4,5 and the 70 or so Disney re-releases  (denofgeek.com)	(36)
		Analysis: For Obama 2012, "it's all about the 99 percent". Well, at least until he gets 51 percent, then it's back to the 1 percent  (reuters.com)	(20)
		The makers of Batman: Arkham City are working on a TMNT game? You have my attention, please tell me more  (iheartchaos.com)	(70)

(Some researcher)		"Answer me: Who taught you how to share your account passwords?" "From you, all right? I learned it by watching you"  (zephoria.org)	(74)
		Psst...Ahmed, Look out the window, is the carrier gone? You sure? okay. *clears throat* You western Imperialist dogs had better drop your sanctions against Iran if you want to keep using the Straits of Hormuz  (cbsnews.com)	(126)
		Final Marine pleads guilty in Haditha massacre of 24 Iraqis. Faces up to 3 months confinement, cut in pay, reduction in rank and a sternly-worded letter  (reuters.com)	(194)
(Some Happy Guy)		Leading researcher says magic mushrooms could treat depression, details results of study involving seven pink unicorns, two rainbow colored Andean mountain goats and a really long chat with Jim Morrison's ghost  (tgdaily.com)	(124)
		Facebook and Twitter tell Google "Don't be evil". Google leans back in leather chair, strokes silky white cat, and laughs uproariously  (telegraph.co.uk)	(53)
		Warriors blow 20-point lead over Grizzlies in worst choking incident since Dubya vs. Pretzel  (sfgate.com)	(14)
(Some Guy)		The worst church singer ever. God help us and create trees with chicken finger leaves while you're at it  (worldwideinterweb.com)	(31)
(Some Guy)		Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to  (newsinfo.inquirer.net)	(30)

		LAPD detective Phillp Vanatter, who led the OJ Simpson investigation, has died at age 70 from cancer. However, cancer released a statement today denying involvement in Vanatter's death and vowing to find the real killer  (news.yahoo.com)	(54)
		You can't really say your Sweet Sixteen party is a success until at least six people get shot  (news.yahoo.com)	(79)
(Some Guy)		Why hasn't the media been covering this more? This is the first I'm hearing of this; you'd think there'd at least be some questions being asked  (hiddencodes.com)	(162)
		Romney campaign soils its magic underwear after new polls show Gingrich leading by 9 points in Florida  (realclearpolitics.com)	(85)
(Some Guy)		Leather-clad vampiress defeats black airmen  (empireonline.com)	(107)
		"Please save us from our own party"  (washingtonpost.com)	(251)
(Some Guy)		The demise of Kanye West may be traced back to the festival where he showed up 45 minutes late, had sound trouble, and fans started leaving him in favor of a show by Noel Gallagher  (couriermail.com.au)	(50)
		Botched Waffle House robbery leaves man scattered and splattered  (ajc.com)	(112)
		Is our children learning? No, there not  (mirror.co.uk)	(204)

		Mitt Romney develops uncanny hindsight, decides to release his tax returns on Tuesday  (boston.com)	(135)
		FOX aired an English Premier League match live on broadcast TV for the first time. Too bad lots of affiliates decided "Corky Romano" was more compelling television  (deadspin.com)	(141)
(nfl.com)		Chad Ocho Cinco won't play in AFC Championship game. This isn't a repeat from last year, or 2010, 2009, 2008, or pretty much every year that he has been in the league  (nfl.com)	(35)
		Hmm, wonder why she got prison. *clicks* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH OH NOOOO GET THE BLEACH  (orlandosentinel.com)	(149)
		Greetings. I am a member of the Nigerian Royal Family and need your assistance in securing the release of the American hostage. I await your bank account number so that arrangements can be made. This is 100% safe and is not a scam  (ajc.com)	(41)
(Some Geezer)		What do you remember from your childhood that is no longer sold today like colored TP, Sani-Flush cleaner, Lawn Darts, Bromo-Seltzer? Get off my lawn  (blog.toiletpaperworld.com)	(776)

		The six least-impressive ways anyone has ever gotten rich  (cracked.com)	(91)
		After town council spends over a decade and £18 million to clear illegal traveler settlement from campsite, travelers set up new campsite next door  (dailymail.co.uk)	(96)
		The 10 least plausible movie stunts ever. Complete with SOPA-unfriendly videos  (shortlist.com)	(90)
		Clippers beat Lakers, Heat, and Mavs in the past week and a half to show the league they're for real, then go on to lose to the Timberwolves to prove that they're still the Clippers  (sports.yahoo.com)	(62)
		A man accused of strangling his wife tells the court the family dog did it. This leads to just one question... How long did it take to train the dog?  (thelocal.de)	(31)

		If you've ever wondered which nuclear power plant Homer Simpson works at, I think we've found the answer  (wrcbtv.com)	(43)
		Deep-rooted hatred is causing more and more Afghans to kill the very same American soldiers training them. You know, a nice game of Buzkashi would probably release some of that tension. It's worked before, I know that much anyway  (msnbc.msn.com)	(132)
		Polish leader accused of totally bogarting during Parliament session  (sfgate.com)	(16)
		I plead the Fif. 1 2 3 4 Fif. Fif  (foxnews.com)	(87)
		Five St. Louis school buses missing. If five big yellow things appeared in your back yard, please mention it to police when you have the time. There's a picture in the article of what a school bus looks like  (stltoday.com)	(38)
(Some Guy)		The first clip from the "Manos: the Hands of Fate" restoration project is up; Torgo has never looked clearer or creepier  (manosinhd.com)	(22)
(AP)		Judge rules Vermont order shutting down state's only nuclear power plant was illegal attempt to regulate nuclear safety  (masslive.com)	(25)
		Tom Cruise's daughter is dating a fellow Scientologist. At least it's not some crazy person  (dailymail.co.uk)	(120)
		Ikea posts record profits as customers finally learn to use the Allen key  (reuters.com)	(14)
		NASA finally comes clean, releases film about aliens on the ISS  (wired.com)	(23)
		Goldman Sachs employees literally in tears upon learning that their reduced bonuses will not buy a small enough violin  (nymag.com)	(195)
		Make maracas, turn it into glue, clean your coffee grinder, and six other things you didn't know you could do with rice  (mnn.com)	(41)
		Man released from prison into cold, cruel world wearing only shirt, underwear and socks  (upi.com)	(41)

(Some Guy)		Obama political ad claims that Politifact certified as "Promise Kept" his campaign promise to clean up ethics in the White House. Politifact: "Um, well that was actually for one specific item back in 2009"  (politifact.com)	(65)
		Rush Limbaugh on the sanctity of marriage: "At least he asked his wife for permission instead of cheating on her. That's a mark of character, in my book. Newt's a victim"  (thinkprogress.org)	(187)
(Some Cock Lover)		Rescued chickens need your help --- please help knit jumpers for hens who escaped the McNugget factory. LGT Victoria's Secret for Gonzo the Great  (littlehenrescue.co.uk)	(82)
		Obama's acceptance speech should be rich to say the least  (nationalreview.com)	(128)
		Where to put a sign that reads: "Please do not attach or affix any structures or objects to the park furniture and trees at Highbury Fields including the benches and lamp posts."?  (bbc.co.uk)	(44)
		Iran claims that after the murder of their scientist, 1,000 students switched their majors to nuclear science. Of course since most used to be "comparative medieval poetry" majors, this isn't expected to help much  (abcnews.go.com)	(57)
		Oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please  (kotaku.com)	(38)
		Mother-of-the-year contender leaves infant in shopping cart outside the liquor store. In 26 degree weather  (kentucky.com)	(85)
(WTSP.com)		Man shoots laundromat's change machine. Makes clean getaway. (with video goodness)  (winterhaven.wtsp.com)	(27)
		CDC: You know that level of lead that we used to say was safe for your kids? Yeah, um, it's really only half that. Sorry for your little retard, we'll get it right next time. Hey, look over there -- bird flu  (yourlife.usatoday.com)	(54)
		100 countries to decide whether to call time out on the leap second because it's just too annoying  (cnn.com)	(18)
		FOX News: America's most trusted news agency (also the least trusted). Well that settles it  (hotair.com)	(59)
		Andrew Sullivan claims that tax rates are at 50 year lows, which is true provided you ignore the past 50 years of data. Why are Obama's cheerleaders so dumb?  (newsbusters.org)	(165)
(Some Guy)		Early candidate for Ultimate Prankster 2012: Farmer admits to spray painting hawks pinkish-red before releasing them just to trick bird watchers into thinking they've discovered a new species  (heraldsun.com.au)	(76)
		The mysterious man who came upon midnights clear and dreary for seventy years to toast at the grave of Edgar Allen Poe on his birthday, it appears, shall come nevermore  (abcnews.go.com)	(47)
		Facebook has released 60 apps for that new time line thing that you're still not using  (usatoday.com)	(26)
		Average age of U.S. autos now two years older than length of average marriage. As expected, both eventually will be replaced with newer models having less mileage  (bottomline.msnbc.msn.com)	(128)
		Newly found Quantum Leap convention photos show vintage Bakula & a smug NPH  (io9.com)	(50)
		Model Lauren Scruggs leaves the hospital for the first time since her accident (w/ you'd still hit it like a propeller pic)  (tmz.com)	(121)

		Religious leaders sign letter opposing gay marriage because if it were legal, they'd be seen "as bigots, subjecting them to the full arsenal of government punishments and pressures reserved for racists"  (sltrib.com)	(143)
		While we're doing really random topics, at least let's consider one that will have an impact on history: If you ran for President, what would you make your #1 issue?  (fark.com)	(338)
		Porn industry mulls leaving L.A. if condoms are required. Subby would like to point out that his house and garage are about 2,000 miles from Los Angeles  (news.yahoo.com)	(83)
		Theater patrons demand refund after learning that "The Artist" was a silent movie. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG  (filmdrunk.uproxx.com)	(58)
(Some Guy)		Cuba takes lead over U.S. in Civil Rights by considering gay marriage. What's next in Bizzaroworld? Bay of Pigs in America? That would probably be Rosie O'Donnell's pool  (globalpost.com)	(30)
(Some Cupcake)		Subby is crazy about cupcakes, so post your favorite cupcake recipes. P.S. Please, please green this because if not, this will be my 47th straight rejected link. ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐(stolen from funny Farker)  (jackiefo.blogspot.com)	(58)
		Detroit "educators" double-down, say they have no problem using slavery to teach math. Followup tag leans on Fail tag's shoulder, weeps in despair  (upi.com)	(21)
		Starbucks messed up my order. So, in order to get around the mess that is my drink, I downed it. Now, I'm hyper. Help me. Please?  (fark.com)	(114)
		SOPA can be defeated, with the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball  (mlb.mlb.com)	(36)
		Everyone who will emerge from recession in 2012, please step forward. NOT SO FAST THERE, EUROPE  (dailymail.co.uk)	(6)
(bleeding cool)		Bleeding Cool thanks FARK for clearly noticing their article on the new high resolution DC Comics logo (1st paragraph)  (bleedingcool.com)	(0)

(Some Guy)		Family takes kids to Chuck E. Cheese for birthday party, asks people at next table to clean up their language. You know what happens next  (13abc.com)	(183)
		Yahoo to Jerry Yang: You leave now. You been here seventeen year  (marketwatch.com)	(41)
		Man missing for five days discovered dead in a locked movie theater bathroom. In other news, some movie theaters don't clean their bathrooms everyday  (denverpost.com)	(100)
(Some Guy)		Caption this wiener rider (safe for work, please)  (1.bp.blogspot.com)	(52)
		India guesses at birthdate of army chief, approximates international borders, ensures world nuclear codes more or less secure  (nytimes.com)	(21)
		Best place to leave security secrets for the 2012 London Olympics: In the safe at Scotland Yard. Worst place to leave security secrets for the 2012 London Olympics: On the train a million people ride on each day  (myfoxdc.com)	(26)
(Some Guy)		You know how sometimes you're out tending the pasture in your garter belt and tutu and white gloves and then the lead singer for Heart ties you to a bale of hay and starts driving you around on a tractor? I HATE it when that happens   (fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net)	(66)
		Amigo, please don't snort our cows  (news.yahoo.com)	(10)
		What do Fabio Cannavaro, Robert Pires, Hernan Crespo, Maniche, and Robbie Fowler have in common? They'll all be playing in the (Indian) Premier League next year  (guardian.co.uk)	(16)
		If you've found a missing spacecraft in your backyard, please contact the Russian Space Agency  (abcnews.go.com)	(21)
		Secaucus woman was unfamiliar with the gas station's "Take a BMW, leave a BMW" policy  (nj.com)	(58)

		Will Romney take the lead? Will Santorum blast....Ah fark it. We've run out of questions for these headlines. South Carolina GOP debate. 9pm on Fox News. You know the drill  (washingtonpost.com)	(907)
(Some Guy)		Tea Party learns how to spell, read, do math and comes to one conclusion: Embrace Hope and Change  (addictinginfo.org)	(120)
		Further mysteries of the clitoris revealed. C'mon out of mom's basement and learn wondrous new things beyond the concept of not leaping at it like a bull at a gate (worksafe unless your boss is weird about anatomical illustration)  (io9.com)	(84)
		Best dog impression of a gazelle you'll see this leap year  (youtube.com)	(19)
		Best highlight of the 2012 Golden Globes? Ricky Gervais reminiscing about "Leave it to Beaver" (at 1'38")  (youtube.com)	(40)
		Man fighting with his wife throws cat at her. Wife ducks, cat sails out window, falling four stories and hitting neighbor on head, killing cat and leaving neighbor in critical condition. The Aristocats  (mirror.co.uk)	(164)
		Outgoing Russian President Dimitry Medvedev pulls a mini-coup on his way out the door. Premier Putin reportedly most displeased  (miamiherald.com)	(29)
		Andrew Sullivan clears away the bullshiat and concludes that the Left is wrong, the Right is wrong, Obama is right, and he will be reelected  (thedailybeast.com)	(322)
		British scientists have positioned equipment that will dig deep into Antarctic ice next summer and unleash a horror that will destroy humanity  (bbc.co.uk)	(23)
		If you've ever wanted to know what a flea feels like, well now's your chance to find out.... I guess... if that's your thing  (news.discovery.com)	(18)
(QC Online)		Not one, not two, but three sets of identical twins work at the same Hy-Vee grocery store, which confuses customers and probably leads to some awkward dating moments  (qconline.com)	(85)

Leading health expert says that moms' habits in the 1950s launched the obesity epidemic of today. Curse you June Cleaver  (mnn.com)

(183)

		Obama on SOPA: I kind of oppose it....well, certain parts of it at least. And if it passes I shall give it a thought of whether to veto it or not.....but I will most likely sign it  (networkworld.com)	(366)
		In yet another sign that the Mayans were onto something, it's possible that there will be more Twilight films made after Breaking Dawn Part 2 is released, or even a Twilight TV series  (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(25)

		Apparently, there can be such a thing as too much cowbell. At least, according to the Oshkosh Police Department  (postcrescent.com)	(48)
		Cruise Ship Captain: "We're on a collision course, please divert 15 degrees North". Response: "Recommend you divert your course, this is a Lighthouse. Your call"  (telegraph.co.uk)	(579)
(Some Nanny)		Couple clears weeds and trash from public land near their home. Does the city a) thank them b) reward them or c) tell them to buy a license for the work or put the weeds back?  (mailonsunday.co.uk)	(111)
		With Leather credits Fark for opening their eyes to a video about Vladimir Putin, hockey legend  (withleather.uproxx.com)	(0)
		Axl Rose to serve jury duty. He will listen to your SHA-NA-NA-NA SHA-NA-NA-NA SHA-NA-NA-NA PLEAS, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAS  (people.com)	(74)
		Woman says her fake penis got her fired from her job.... big deal lady, my real one has gotten me fired from at least a dozen  (huffingtonpost.com)	(91)
		The Senators shut out the league leading Rangers in New York last night. Quit laughing dammit, this is what the Mayans were talking about  (nhl.com)	(79)
		The Samsung Smart Window, another excuse to never leave your kitchen  (youtube.com)	(107)
		Newly released FBI files show that the in 2000's they were preparing a massive RICO case against an organization involved in gun-running, money laundering, drugs, and car-jackings. Was it: A) The mafia? B) MS-13? or C) The Wu-tang Clan?  (thedailybeast.com)	(48)
		Check please  (wtam.com)	(32)
		It's Friday the 13th, a day in which close to one billion dollars is lost from people missing work because too scared to leave their homes, losses to airlines from fear of flying, and mirror breakage  (cbc.ca)	(94)

		Heather Locklear hospitalized for Rx drugs and alcohol overdose at 2 in the afternoon. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere  (tmz.com)	(56)
(WTSP)		Cool: High school students write letters, thanking Muslim leader for explaining Islam to class. Fark: Christian family association sends over 3,500 emails, condemning Muslim leader's visit  (wtsp.com)	(233)
		Iran: "Our nuclear scientists are randomly asploding." USA: "Wasn't us." Israel: "I understand there has been a problem with suicides among the scientists, LOL"  (huffingtonpost.com)	(265)
		Billionaire shocked to learn that being in contempt of court leads to a jailin'  (freep.com)	(57)
		Upon learning that he's polling at 5% in South Carolina, Stephen Colbert hints that he may join the race for the GOP presidential nomination because why the hell not?  (uproxx.com)	(147)
		Saint Tebow's game-winning TD may have received some divine intervention - if you count incompetent referees as deities, at least  (sports.yahoo.com)	(157)
		All those that made illegal recess appointments, please step forward. Whoa, not so fast there, Mr. President   (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(210)
		Karen, take it easy... I love you. You know I love you. Be careful, baby. Don't. Just put it down. You're all I want, Karen. Please put the gun down  (washingtonpost.com)	(56)
		Nuclear fear has nothing to do with the cold war, Chernobyl, 3 Mile Island or Fukushima. It's James Bond's fault. Your dog wants a dry martini, shaken not stirred  (bbc.co.uk)	(71)
		medIa insiSts they'Re bAffled, have no idEa who is going after nucLear scientists  (stltoday.com)	(164)
		Burn those biscuits? That's a cleaverin'  (kmov.com)	(36)
(Some Guy)		ACLU: 92% of Gitmo detainees were never Al Qaeda. 86% turned over to coalition forces for a bounty. Youngest was 13. Oldest was ... 98. Over 200 FBI Agents reported abusive treatments. Bush released 532 prisoners. Obama: 68. 171 left  (aclu.org)	(178)
		Honey, you KNOW a Porsche can't fly. Neither will the fighter jet I bought instead. But at least the Sun is here...honey?  (thesun.co.uk)	(45)

		Captive cheese fungus can gobble up spills, forming a self-cleaning surface. UNBRIELIEVABLE   (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(15)
		Dear Mr. Kotter: Please excuse Juan for being absent from class. He was busy helping the National Investigation Agency bust a fake note gang. Signed, Epstein's Mother  (timesofindia.indiatimes.com)	(37)
		New Orleans elementary school on lockdown after gunman enters building to hide from police  (nola.com)	(60)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this corridor cleaning   (latimesphoto.files.wordpress.com)	(37)
		It turns out cleansing women of the devil through acts of sexual intimacy may be illegal  (blog.cleveland.com)	(127)
		There's been a huge rise in the number of civilians killed or wounded by gunfire as a result of quasi-military police raids, which is naturally leading police to question the tactic. Fark: Because cops might get hurt, too  (usatoday.com)	(133)
		"Quite clearly, some people's attitudes towards tribal peoples haven't moved on a jot. The Jarawa are not circus ponies bound to dance at anyone's bidding." "OOTINI"  (news.yahoo.com)	(45)
		30 Rock's Katrina Bowden strips off for Maxim, leaving you typing one-handed for a week  (dailymail.co.uk)	(78)
		Our country's preparedness for potential nuclear winter survival headed toward an all-time low  (money.cnn.com)	(35)
		Romney, forgetting where he is, urges South Carolina voters to follow the lead of those damn Yankee folks up north  (upi.com)	(46)
		Another Iranian nuclear scientist has car trouble  (bbc.co.uk)	(548)

		Will Halak's return help the Blues take the Division lead? Are Detroit's injuries enough to force the Islanders to win a game? Are the Senators trolling us all? Games start at 7; organized, polite discussion starts to the right  (nhl.com)	(215)
		The hottest cheerleader on each NBA team. Sure, it's a slideshow, but it's a slideshow of hot cheerleaders  (bleacherreport.com)	(191)
		Finally, science has an explanation for reindeer pom-pom sweaters and pipecleaner turkeys: The Grand Unifying Theory of Regretsy  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(12)
		Majority of conservatives don't not absolutely hate Mitt Romney, more than likely anyway. At least when push comes to shove, he's okay. Not a flesh eating virus or anything  (gallup.com)	(74)
		Rick Santorum leads the GOP field. In blinking  (mnn.com)	(62)
		Democrats unleash the Bain Kraken  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(218)
		New York City Opera tells its musicians to leave the aria  (nydailynews.com)	(21)
(ChristianWire)		At least someone is happy about the GOP field: Satan  (christiannewswire.com)	(60)
(Some Guy)		The Mancovery from the Mancession has been under way for a while now, but the Womancession, which was never as widely recognized as the Mancession, is only just now starting to lead to a Womancovery   (lifeinc.today.msnbc.msn.com)	(48)
		Dixville Notch has spoken, and them two mormon fellas are in the lead  (cnn.com)	(155)

		Santorum on why Iran shouldn't have nukes: "They're a theocracy. They have deeply embedded beliefs that the afterlife is better than this life." Clearly, Santorum is jealous  (video.msnbc.msn.com)	(186)
		Move over nuclear: Researchers in Japan triple the output of a standard wind turbine  (mnn.com)	(69)
		Santorum voices support for SOPA-like Internet regulation. He doesn't endorse the use of SOPA, but pirates clearly annoy him  (hotair.com)	(55)
		Leon Panetta lets it slip that Iran is indeed developing nuclear capabilities  (rawstory.com)	(175)
		Mitt Romney's brand of "job creation" directly resulted in the folding of at least five companies and the loss of thousands of jobs. But that's okay, because Romney's venture capital made hundreds of millions on the deals  (dailykos.com)	(160)
		NAACP banned from participating in New Orlean's MLK Day event. Awkward  (nola.com)	(71)
		Jeff Jordan does not want to be like his father Michael, leaves UCF basketball team  (espn.go.com)	(46)
		California state legislator pleads it-was-the-tumor-what-done-it in $2500 shoplifting case  (news.yahoo.com)	(57)
(Chattanooga Times Free Press)		Ric Romero's country cousin discovers this neat game called "Skyrim". Wait until they learn about Angry Birds  (timesfreepress.com)	(140)
		Mother has baby induced early so she can meet her dying 10-year-old sister. With pics that may make you call your cleaning lady to remove all the dust in this room  (dailymail.co.uk)	(54)
		Report says that people should go at least two days a week without drinking. Forty-eight non-consecutive hours in a week counts as two days, right?  (bbc.co.uk)	(53)

		"Hello, this is your captain speaking. Could someone please bring some oxygen bottles to the cockpit?"  (dailymail.co.uk)	(33)
		Will the Last Manning Standing lead the Giants to victory over the Falcons? Will Tebow's favorite deity give him the power to take down the Steelers? It's the NFL Wildcard Weekend: Day 2 thread (games at 1 PM on Fox, 4:30 on CBS)  (scores.espn.go.com)	(4568)
(Wilkes Barre Times-Leader)		Wilkes Barre Times-Leader profiles California anime style artist and notes his popularity greatly increased because "these fan-generated images have been receiving major attention from sites like Fark" (1st paragraph)  (timesleader.com)	(0)
		Congrats to Shane Doan for getting his first NHL hat trick. It only took 1100+ games to do, but at least he got it out of the way  (tsn.ca)	(59)
		Pentagon says it wants a leaner military. Plans to immediately issue smaller MRE's  (marketwatch.com)	(57)

		North Korean propaganda says that Kim Jong-Un learned to drive at age 3, could drive 75mph at age 8, and successfully defeated anorexia  (washingtonpost.com)	(180)
		Actual headline: RuPaul Is 'Campaigning' In New Hampshire To Spread Awareness That He Is Not Ron Paul. "Any time a man leaves the house in a wig and a pair of cha cha heels, he's making a political statement." RUPAUL  (mediaite.com)	(74)
		Will anyone watch Texans-Bengals? Will either defense make a stop in New Orleans? Most importantly, will The Jake Delhomme Era resume in Houston? The answers and more in the Wild Card Weekend: Day 1 thread (NBC, starting at 4:30 PM EST)  (espn.go.com)	(2989)
		In the wake of the US saving their sailors from pirates, Iran ups the rhetoric and threatens full-scale war, nuclear devastation, and....wait, they said thankyou? And Fox reported it? What is this i don't even  (foxnews.com)	(95)
(Some Guy)		The lack of snow is costing Americans tens of millions of dollars. Could someone figure out the exact right amount of snow so we can coordinate our prayers, please?  (weather.com)	(159)

		Sen. John McCain: "I am confident with the leadership and backing of the American people, President Obama will turn this country around"  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(150)
		To love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, for as long as we both shall live -- at least until your brain injury. Then I'm going to marry this new guy, who's going to live with me, but take you to IHOP sometimes. Okay?  (washingtonpost.com)	(90)
		For sale: One slightly used nuclear bomb-proof space station in Carmel Valley, California. For only $4.2 million you can get great TV reception and still have a basement that will withstand a five-megaton nuclear blast. Serious inquiries only  (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(84)
		West Virginia's Darwin Cook learns that the Orange Bowl mascot he tackled was a girl. His facial expression says it all  (sportsgrid.com)	(64)
		No, astronomers didn't detect alien signals from space. Now, if you'd please just look into this neuralyzer   (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(12)
		Two goats eat bullets, leaves  (mcall.com)	(11)
		Psychic spider-monkey will predict the winner of the New Hampshire primary. It's more scientific than a caucus, at least  (nymag.com)	(30)
(Some Guy)		Gregg Doyel thinks trick plays in football are cool, except when they aren't. Then they are "weenie" touchdowns and they are leading to the downfall of America or something  (cbssports.com)	(60)
		Just so we're clear, Jeremy Renner was *not* involved in a Thai bar brawl  (starpulse.com)	(33)
		Hurt Locker director Kathryn Bigelow, the White House, George Soros, and the mainstream MSM media were in cahoots to steal the election for Obama until heroic blogger-patriots delayed the release of a movie about bin Laden's murder  (bighollywood.breitbart.com)	(155)
		The same security camera that captured a man stealing a family's Christmas presents also captures him returning them two days later with an apology note. Unclear if you can see his heart grow three sizes  (cbsnews.com)	(13)
		Mathematicians prove 17 is the least amount of clues needed for a Sudoku puzzle to be solvable. Still no cure for chess  (technologyreview.com)	(37)
		Because a 9-0 lead isn't enough, Bruins fans chant ``We want ten We want ten''  (articles.boston.com)	(89)
(wmal.com)		GOP Florida Rep. Allen West hates President Obama's plan to cut military spending and that Speaker Boehner is leading an effective "kabuki dance" in Congress. Now there's a horrifying image you can never take back  (wmal.com)	(53)
		Colorado takes the lead in regulating fracking. However, smegging and frelling remain unregulated  (foxnews.com)	(15)
(Some Guy)		ExxonMobil asks: "How much gas does it take to charge an iPhone?" Subby wonders what kind of mileage are you getting?  (exxonmobilperspectives.com)	(21)
		Some ex-world leaders build houses for the poor. Then there are guys like this. One for the country  (youtube.com)	(14)
		Would someone please take the scientists to the movies once in a while, before it's too late?  (foxnews.com)	(24)

		Iowa caucus voter counter says Mitt Romney accidentally received 20 extra votes from his district. If that's true, there's going to be a lot of Santorum on GOP leaders' faces come tomorrow   (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(99)
		Hi, I'm Gwyneth Paltrow. You may have seen me in such films as, "Iron Man", "Iron Man 2" and "Iron Man 3". I'm here to talk to you about colon cleansing  (gawker.com)	(95)
		Crazy Eyes now has to decide between re-election or bleaching her hair and working for Fox  (boston.com)	(87)
(Topless Robot)		Eight videogame characters you didn't know were female--at least, not right away  (toplessrobot.com)	(71)
(wmur)		You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel  (wmur.com)	(91)
		When a judge finds it "highly implausible" 11 panelists would "stick their noses in jars of excrement and report 44 independent times that they smelled nothing unpleasant," you'll probably have to pull your commercial  (chron.com)	(40)
		Jon Huntsman is a nihilist! Fark me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of Romney's flip flopping, Dude, at least it's an ethos  (firstread.msnbc.msn.com)	(19)
(Some Guy)		Good news for iPhone 4S and iPad 2 users: Hacker to release untethered jailbreak within a week. Bad news for iPhone 4S and iPad 2 users: you are still using an overpriced piece of shiat, but hey, you can now change your wallpaper  (ibtimes.com)	(62)
		New study released by the Institute for People That Aren't Farkers (IPTAF) says that raising prices on alcoholic beverages may curb drinking  (cnews.canoe.ca)	(33)
(Some Guy)		Interesting designs for the (almost was) anime-inspired Justice League  (tencentticker.com)	(55)
(Some Guy)		You probably made some bad choices in life when police find your body on fire on the side of the road and have to release pictures of your tattoos to see if anyone can identify you  (wtkr.com)	(28)
		Want to see a dash-cam video from a police cruiser? Then we'll sue you for asking, citizen. Bonus: Videos will only be released after statue of limitations expires for police misconduct  (komonews.com)	(243)

		Clearly, the sensible thing to do after losing an argument over cereal is to set yourself on fire  (wxyz.com)	(99)
(QC Online)		If you live in Illinois and want to buy drain cleaner, you will now have to show your ID, because "drain cleaners contain acid and acid was used to attack someone three years ago"  (qconline.com)	(219)
		Can Liverpool make a run for a Champions League spot? Can Spurs make a run for the title? A smattering of midweek fixtures includes a Man City v Liverpool match up on Tuesday followed by Newcastle v Man United on Wednesday  (dailymail.co.uk)	(166)
		Lady Gaga leaves blood in hotel bathroom after ritual sacrifice to the God, uh, Goddess, of gender bending shock singers with a desire to push fashion trends where they dare not go  (independent.co.uk)	(53)
		Judge rules that Darryl Strawberry's ex-wife can't touch the $800,000 she got in their divorce settlement until the IRS gets their cut, she hits at least one pinch-hit grand slam, and appears in at least four All-Star games  (tmz.com)	(18)
		I'm sorry sir, I cannot buy your vehicle, even at a 30% discount, because your license plate clearly indicates you are a dead cow pimp  (huffingtonpost.com)	(54)
		We simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle trojans, they'll wipe out the viruses  (yro.slashdot.org)	(3)
		Chicagoans can now go online to track the snow plows that are not clearing their streets  (wlsam.com)	(24)

		Officer, he didn't sever the brake line to the car his girlfriend and their son were riding in...he pulled it loose. Oh, glad we cleared that up  (myfoxdc.com)	(20)
		Disney World to stay open 24 consecutive hours on February 29. Most families should have enough time to get on at least two or three rides  (articles.orlandosentinel.com)	(43)
		"I hate America," says arsonist while being arrested. Really? We destroy things at random all the time. Stick around with us a little while longer. You'll learn to love us  (usnews.msnbc.msn.com)	(83)

(McRumors)		Developer learns that if you allow random anonymous people share thoughts and pictures with other random anonymous people, Goatse will flourish worse than bed bugs  (macrumors.com)	(50)
		LAPD releases CCTV footage of a man wanted for questioning in connection 40 or so flame jobs. Curiously, he looks nothing like Gregory Hines  (telegraph.co.uk)	(67)
(AFP)		Right now, six people running for the job of the leader of the most powerful nation on earth are trying desperately to convince voters that they don't believe in science and won't govern based on it  (thejakartaglobe.com)	(511)
(Some Pirate)		Today's pirate ship runs aground with 100 tourists aboard brought to you by ClearwatAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR   (wtsp.com)	(28)
		Yo yo, 2000 St. Louis Rams, I'm gonna let you finish, but the 2011 New Orleans Saints have the greatest offense of all time. OF ALL TIME  (scores.espn.go.com)	(116)
(Some Tech Guy)		FOX Sports uses advanced slow-mo technology during Sundays Rams v. 49ers game to capture great catches, big hits and the heaving bosom of one of the hot cheerleaders. Wait, what?  (badjocks.com)	(36)

		Iran produces its first nuclear fuel rod. Happy New Year  (foxnews.com)	(190)
		FDA worried that permanent shortage of Adderall and other ADHD drugs could lead to... OOH PUPPIES  (msnbc.msn.com)	(178)
		Top 100 influential Canadians in baseball, 2011. You'll need a bigger leaflet  (m.torontosun.com)	(29)

(Lex18.com)		When you're already wanted for trying to run over a cop in a stolen truck, don't steal another car and leave behind a third car full of stolen goods (Fark: the second stolen car was my mom's -Mike)  (lex18.com)	(30)
		Is it okay to clean out ear wax? I SAID, IS IT OKAY TO CLEAN OUT EAR WAX?  (thechart.blogs.cnn.com)	(74)
		FLDSers pledge to not have sex until their leader, serving a life sentence, is released from prison. Ok guys, we're gonna have to release Warren now, or else the loons will stop breeding  (deseretnews.com)	(118)
		If your cats eat your hamburger, please don't call 911 to request a replacement. Officials say they suspect alcohol was a factor. Subby thinks it sounds like it's time for the New Year's Eve Caturday thread  (ctv.ca)	(1377)

(WSOCTV.com)		Police: "We totally have video of the handcuffed suspect choking herself to death, but we're refusing to release it because it mysteriously disappeared after being erased twice and set on fire"  (wsoctv.com)	(74)
		Pic of astronauts returning to Earth leaving a blazing trail of fire behind them. Just like me after the 2 a.m. Taco Bell run  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(12)
(Some Guy)		"I guess the kid must have had a large behind, because according to urban legend, anacondas don't want none unless you've got buns. Or at least that's what I heard"  (the700level.com)	(11)
		Your new scooter will depreciate as soon as you leave the dealer. It will depreciate even more if you crash  (youtube.com)	(31)
		Mitt Romney's son is a birther, says Obama should release his birth certificate. Which he did. Over a year ago. Meanwhile, no one has seen Romney's tax returns  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(106)
(Topless Robot)		Eleven things we can expect in the future, at least according to Buck Rogers in the 25th Century  (toplessrobot.com)	(49)
		Nudity is not allowed in a McDonald's parking lot, as this couple recently learned  (qctimes.com)	(79)
(Some Guy)		Friday Instashop Challenge: If North Korea can Photoshop Dear Leader's funeral to make it better, then so can Fark  (media.zenfs.com)	(39)
		North Korea's new leader promises to continue the same policy of belligerent assholishness towards the West that the country has always had  (news.yahoo.com)	(58)
		Descriptions of "looking up to Britney Spears" while "having his own nuclear arsenal" do not seem like a very good mix  (rothkopf.foreignpolicy.com)	(14)

		Best Korea photoshopped Dear Leader's funeral procession  (news.yahoo.com)	(114)
		Mother of the Year competition sees last-minute entry, as Louisiana woman leaves her foster children outside while she plays blackjack at a casino. On Christmas Eve day  (nola.com)	(38)
		Newt and Callista Gingrich will have an interview in People Magazine, which has clearly expanded from covering people to anything temporarily taking human form  (politico.com)	(149)
		Russian nuclear submarine on fire. If only there were some way to douse the whole thing  (reuters.com)	(90)
		"Glee" star Lea Michele has threatened to move out of NYC if Bloomberg doesn't get rid of all the horses pulling carriages in Central Park. In related news, "Glee" star Lea Michele is moving  (starpulse.com)	(86)
		President refuses to glad-hand and schmooze Washington insiders, clearly he's aloof and perfunctory. President loves to glad-hand and schmooze Washington insiders, clearly he's corrupt and pandering  (nytimes.com)	(41)
		Fire at LMFAO concert leaves security telling everyone to STFU and GTFO, LOL  (tmz.com)	(55)
		Stay Puft Marshmallow Man hailed as, 'Supreme Leader." All I wanna know is, who cuts his hair?  (news.yahoo.com)	(43)
(Some Guy)		Following the lead of Pinellas County, Florida in protecting American precious bodily fluids is Hartland Township... Michigan?  (hartland.patch.com)	(14)
(GRRM)		George R.R. Martin releases preview of "Winds of Winter", Book 6 in the Song of Fire and Ice series  (georgerrmartin.com)	(202)
		Santa attack leaves man with brain injury, coal  (canada.com)	(10)
		Neat freak fulfills his dream of opening $6M 'Museum of Clean' (complete with interactive exhibits on window washing and bed making)  (dailymail.co.uk)	(31)
		You've officially got a psycho ex-girlfriend when she dips her hand in pink paint and leaves her palm print on the front seat of your car  (palmbeachpost.com)	(56)
		Body found in Port Townshend, Washington leaves police asking "Who Are You?"  (seattlepi.com)	(35)
		Researchers, who are clearly funded by the porn industry, create television that you can "reach into"  (dailymail.co.uk)	(29)
		Old and busted: leap days. New hotness: leap weeks  (wired.com)	(103)
(Some Guy)		After armed robbery and two shootings, cops are asking: Do you recognise this butt cleavage?  (couriermail.com.au)	(43)
		Theme of Farktography Contest No. 347: "Farktography Classic: B-Sides and Unreleased Tracks 2". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme  (farktography.net)	(100)

		And the Forever Alone 2011 Award goes to: Anonymous Chinese man who spent $16,000 on a virtual sword before the game was released  (gizmodo.com)	(113)
		Georgia officials - I mean, SEC officials - release 2012 football schedule  (espn.go.com)	(48)
(Some Guy)		Screenwriter Damon Lindelof clears up the confusion about whether Prometheus is really an Alien prequel or not. Well not exactly  (joblo.com)	(47)
		Sorry, the bank is closed due to 'communications problems' with the corporate office, and by 'communications problems' we mean we can't hear anything because someone blasted a hole in the wall and cleaned out the safe  (myfoxdc.com)	(88)
		Deion Sanders' wife learns she will be getting a divorce while reading TMZ. It's not news, it's... well, actually, it was news to her  (tmz.com)	(44)
		Choral group holds performance of Handel's Messiah, sponsored annually by suicide and body decomposition cleanup company. "Most of the chorus members I've talked to think it's absolutely hilarious"  (reuters.com)	(34)
(Some Guy)		If your boyfriend asks you to prove your love to him by having oral sex with a 7 year old girl in front of him, in order for him to leave his wife, you might get the dumbass tag. If you really do it, you get the sick tag  (ksee24.com)	(138)
		AZ judge says school district's ethnic studies program is illegal because teaching Hispanics how badly the state has screwed them over in the past might lead to "resentments" against white people  (news.yahoo.com)	(127)
(Some Guy)		At least he died doing something he loved. Smoking a cigarette. While hooked up to an oxygen tank. While having a coronary. While on fire  (wmur.com)	(22)
		SyFy's next original movie is Arachnoquake, a film about a series of earthquakes that unleash giant albino spiders on New Orleans. It will star Tracey Gold and Ethan Phillips and might just be the best movie ever  (huffingtonpost.com)	(86)
		This is the story of a woman. A woman who lost her father to a massive heart attack. A woman who learned who her father was...by watching his opening and closing narrations on... The Twilight Zone  (salon.com)	(43)

		Small monkey groups more likely to fight, raising hopes for an offshore small monkey fighting league  (physorg.com)	(20)
(goal.com)		Corinthians interested in Manchester City's Carlos Tevez, fine leather  (goal.com)	(8)
		"Tower, this is Ghostrider requesting a flyby." "Negative, Ghostrider: You're leaking oil, you're loaded with tourists & you'll rip your wings off." "Sorry, Goose, but it's time to buzz a tower"  (nj.com)	(73)
(WBALTV)		A gallery of red hot redheaded celebrities is sure to oh come on at least read the end of this headline fine I didn't like you anyway  (wbaltv.com)	(271)
		Victoria Jackson leaves a six hour FBI meeting for washed up comedians with hours and hours of terrifying material from old Monty Python skits  (huffingtonpost.com)	(166)
		Prince Philip leaves hospital after two surgeries. Based on the photo, not sure if he survived the second one  (people.com)	(57)
(Topsail Voice)		Officer Quagmire's investigation into a "suspicious person in the area" leads him to a second floor balcony to check on a seventeen year old girl in her underwear  (carteretnewstimes.com)	(84)
		Good news: Kids not being exposed to undesired boobies as much. Take Away: Study makes parents feel better about the internet. Kids: Whatever you say mom, you never did learn how to use encryption  (latimes.com)	(61)
		We need to stop worrying about the leap-second and get Global Standard Time back to normal  (slate.com)	(67)

		San Antonio leads list of best US economies, probably because they don't bother with salsa made in New York City  (forbes.com)	(69)
		The Obama administration's Christmas present to America? Hint: it's cleaner than a puppy  (motherjones.com)	(236)
		Gallant abides by society's rules and doesn't make any commotion. Goofus won't leave a restaurant when requested and punches a cop in the face  (suntimes.com)	(43)
		Will Breesus lead the Saints to victory over the Falcons... again? It's another year, and another post-Christmas New Orleans Saints vs. Atlanta Falcons game on Monday Night Football, 8:30 PM ET on ESPN  (espn.go.com)	(lots)
(Orange County Register)		Successful, profitable businesses are fleeing California's unfriendly climate, and aren't shy about saying why. Bonus: Political leaders say that's not why they're leaving  (ocregister.com)	(146)
		2011 in 60 Seconds: From the Arab Spring to nuclear disaster in Japan, from the euro zone crisis to Osama bin Laden's death, 2011 was a remarkable year  (reuters.com)	(45)
		Nigella Lawson goes from pleasingly zaftig to oh my I'll be in my bunk  (mirror.co.uk)	(98)

		Great Scott 'Mr Fusion' prototype devices now being manufactured by Sony...Jaws to be re-released in 3D in 3..2....Hey WHERES MY HOVERBOARD  (bbc.co.uk)	(31)
(Some Guy)		Christmas greetings from Marvel & DC Comics. For those who keep score of these things, DC clearly won this battle  (comicbookmovie.com)	(54)
(Some Guy)		Okay photo-Farkers, if you've gotten a new camera and flash this Christmas/ Diwali/ Kwanzaa/ Hannukah/ Festivus/ Hitler's Birthday, this is a pretty good blog for learning how to use flashes  (strobist.blogspot.com)	(41)
		Dear Santa, please text my dad, he has my whole list. KTHXBAI  (dailymail.co.uk)	(20)
		Stabbing death over loud music leaves many questions. How loud was the music? Was it really worth killing over? Why is the housing project called the "Pork 'n Beans"?  (sun-sentinel.com)	(41)

		Airlines now cleared to fly over North Pole, which will shorten flights and lead to new routes. Oh, and death, there will be horrible horrible death when the engines fail  (independent.co.uk)	(99)
		Thief raises the bar in the "stupid things to leave behind at the crime scene" competition, leaves behind picture of himself on phone he stole in previous burglary  (dailymail.co.uk)	(11)
		Bad: Leaving your umbrella on the bus. Worse: Leaving your phone on the bus. Worst: Leaving a rare violin valued at $172K on the bus  (nj.com)	(35)

(News Times)		Applesauce Acres Alpaca Attack leaves neighbors appalled, tongue-tied  (newstimes.com)	(37)
		Gingrich campaign on Calista: "We're waiting to unleash her". Complete with creepy Calista waiting to be unleashed pic  (huffingtonpost.com)	(118)
		Jonah Hill lived rent-free in Brad Pitt's New Orleans home. I smell a new buddy comedy here  (wxyz.com)	(39)
		Cleaning crew finds meth lab in apartment. That's *so* coming out of your security deposit  (mcall.com)	(28)
		"Thank you for calling MegaCorp's customer service line brought to you by McDonalds. Please enjoy this 15 second commercial. Thank you. If you think you are right, press 1. If you know you are wrong, press 2." *presses 1* *click*  (salon.com)	(112)
		What time is it when the leading "fact checker" declares its "Lie of the Year" comes from a liberal? Why, it's time to begin questioning whether "fact checkers" do more harm than good, of course  (npr.org)	(395)

		House Majority Leader Eric Cantor invites President Obama to negotiations on Capitol Hill, says "He could bring his dog" because I'm pet friendly. Ummmm, whatever you're into Mr Cantor  (realclearpolitics.com)	(87)
		Romney sticks the landing on the rarely seen triple flip: We should have invaded, we shouldn't have invaded, and we shouldn't leave  (huffingtonpost.com)	(87)
		It's only a few days before Christmas. If there's a gift you would like, please post in this thread and this thread will be delivered to Santa at the North Pole  (fark.com)	(625)
		Ace reporters uses their crack sleuthing skills to A) uncover government corruption B) investigate the shady dealings of congressional leaders C) ruin Sasha and Malia's Christmas  (news.yahoo.com)	(90)
		While North Korea is consumed with mourning for their dead leader; North Korean defectors in the south are holding equally enthusiastic "We're glad you're dead you miserable bastard" rallies  (npr.org)	(83)
		Presenting the "Muggies," TSG's mug shots of the year. Witness clowns, cleavage, a bride, self-mutilation, and Lindsay Lohan  (thesmokinggun.com)	(118)
		Sure, North Korea may be a totalitarian communist regime with nuclear ambitions and a population that's starving, but MAN they can dubstep  (youtube.com)	(30)
(Some Guy)		IBM reveals five innovations that will change our lives forever in the near future, or at least until something else gets invented  (www-03.ibm.com)	(37)
		Eight soldiers charged with bullying a comrade to death. Unclear who ordered the Code Red  (news.yahoo.com)	(126)
		Not clear on the concept, this guy flips his car over a skateboard  (youtube.com)	(8)
		George Michael released from hospital. Maeby going home soon  (today.msnbc.msn.com)	(35)
		Stone Temple Pilots' Scott Weiland releasing Christmas album. Plans to give a new personal interpretation of "White Christmas"  (edition.cnn.com)	(18)
(Some Guy)		"Putting Ketchup In The Fridge": A Radiohead track from the mid 90s that was unreleased until today  (onethirtybpm.com)	(18)
		A Girl Scouts troop's decision to admit a 7-year-old transgender child this fall has prompted three leaders to resign and dissolve their troops. Guess they'll all forfeit their tolerance badges  (huffingtonpost.com)	(560)

		Coal plant operators finally run out of briquettes, will have to comply with a nearly 30 year backlog of clean air regulations  (msnbc.msn.com)	(88)
(Stay Boring My Friends)		When a cheesy beer commercial star visits for lunch, it's front page news. It is...the Least Interesting Town in the World  (portjefferson.patch.com)	(42)
(Some Guy)		Mullets plead not guilty to attacking beards  (myfoxchicago.com)	(39)
		Candy store Sugar & Plumm Purveyors of Yumm learns the hard way the Upper West Side doesn't like cute store names, bright layouts, or fun. "The whole thing needs toned down. The coolest places in New York have no signs"  (nymag.com)	(163)
		Lessons learned from a 25,000 mile off-road drive from Hong Kong to Portugal. "In Russia, I learnt that when you have vodka for breakfast, you know it's going to be a good day"  (cnngo.com)	(51)
		Like an al Qaedian Tupac Shakur, Awlaki releases some new posthumous material  (reuters.com)	(10)
		Hoping I could I borrow a cup of sugar, oh and top off my tank please  (myfoxdc.com)	(15)
(springfield news leader)		"An online story by the News-Leader on Mr. and Mrs. Deer quickly made it to the popular website Fark.com on Tuesday, under the category "Weird"  (news-leader.com)	(0)

		US: 'We can't socialize healthcare, it'll kill innovation' Canada: 'Oh yeah? Where's your HIV vaccine, eh?' Hero tag needs a maple leaf  (torontosun.com)	(305)
(Some Goal)		Almost 20,000 Premier League goals have been scored, and here's an infographic breakdown of who's scored them and where they've been scored  (imgur.com)	(34)
		Scottish Premier League wants to create "safe-standing areas" in stadiums, though the thought of thousands of people standing and leaping about in seated areas worries them  (guardian.co.uk)	(16)
		Actual headline: "Can loving a robot lead to divorce?"  (huffingtonpost.com)	(83)
		University of Texas College Republicans President tweets: "My president is black. He snorts a lot of crack." Is our children learning, indeed  (huffingtonpost.com)	(283)
		ESPN analyst Craig James to capitalize on his success in hounding Mike Leach out of Texas Tech by running for US Senate  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(66)
		Our favorite Taiwanese animators take on Kim Jong-il's death. Come for Dear Leader's descent into hell, stay for Kim Jong Un's rocket penis  (youtube.com)	(51)
		Meanwhile, on Google+, service subtly enhanced to please all six users  (arstechnica.com)	(43)

		Meet Kim Jong Chul, the son of Kim Jong Il that was "too soft and feminine" to be the next Dear Leader, meaning he has a knack for writing poetry about how the world should be free of nukes and we should all live in harmony  (iheartchaos.com)	(100)
		Immediately after middle aged people take medicine, they like to go outside and barbecue, and other things I've learned from commercials  (huffingtonpost.com)	(187)
		The Dark Knight Rises trailer has been released. I don't even have a joke here, just watch the damn thing  (slashfilm.com)	(326)
		How Nerf went from a purveyor of fun foam toys to the "leading kiddie arms dealer"  (slate.com)	(313)
		Good news, everybody. USA Today has released its annual "I'm a social leper with no communication skills and need advice on how to handle even the most simplistic issues" advice column. Not that anybody here needs that, of course  (yourlife.usatoday.com)	(37)
		Planning on going out drinking? Don't sleep it off on your own couch, or you might wake up surrounded by a SWAT team who have been waiting patiently for you to release your hostages  (buffalonews.com)	(106)
		Just in time for the Fark convention, the Bellagio's water fountains are about to learn three new songs  (travel.usatoday.com)	(13)
		Penn State QB hurt in locker room fight. At least he didn't bend over and take it  (news.yahoo.com)	(41)
		Young evangelicals leaving the church in record numbers. "They don't appreciate being condemned for living with a partner, straight or gay, outside of marriage or opting for abortion to terminate an unplanned pregnancy"  (cnn.com)	(327)
		Ron Paul: "I have to expose Gingrich" Now I have to scrub with brainbleach after that mental picture   (politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com)	(64)
		In honor of Dear Leader's passing, here are 17 bizarre details about his life. "He's ronery, so ronery" strangely absent  (mirror.co.uk)	(66)
		T-Mobile to AT&T: "Thanks for the free billions, suckers" AT&T to their execs: "Here are your millions in bonuses, so that you won't leave. ;)"  (businessweek.com)	(31)
		For the first time in forty years America's prison population has actually decreased. Either the costs of locking up non-violent offenders is to blame, or Obama is releasing them to rape your women and children  (economist.com)	(69)
		Would-be car thief learns the hard way not to break into a car belonging to the girlfriend of a mixed martial-arts fighter  (qctimes.com)	(25)
		Man critically injured after his girlfriend decides to clean her gun at 4AM and it "accidentally" fired  (sun-sentinel.com)	(37)
		SyFy may not show much Sci-Fi, but it makes $500 million a year thanks to Bonnie Hammer. Clearly they've monetized nerd rage  (nytimes.com)	(168)

		Absolutely nobody in Canada is shocked as Quebec's bigots argue an English coach can't lead their team, forget that it was a French coach who got them into this mess to begin with  (tsn.ca)	(127)
		And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear: To build and maintain those robots  (theatlantic.com)	(29)
(Some Guy)		Anonymous releases a massive information dump on every U.S. Senator that voted for NDAA  (freakoutnation.com)	(287)
		David and Victoria Beckham may be leaving the U.S. permanently. Best. Christmas present. Evar  (dailymail.co.uk)	(29)
(Some Guy)		Former Redskins QB Mark Rypen's daughter threw three TDs in her first lingerie league start. It looks like Dan Snyder has found Sexy Rexy's replacement  (lostlettermen.com)	(41)

		Apple Brings Jobs to Texas. Can't you just leave the poor guy in the grave?  (forbes.com)	(55)
(Some Guy)		If you are a murderer, at least you usually get a cool and scary name, like "Hillside Strangler" or "Night Stalker". And then there is the "Toilet Lid Killer"  (calgarysun.com)	(42)
		(At least a major) reason Autism rates have shot up? Researchers now poring over decades-old cases are finding that old-time docs simply didn't recognize it, and instead used to essentially give diagnoses of "huh... f*ck if I know"  (latimes.com)	(123)
		Just when you thought you've completely wiped out the memory of the the last one, Madonna to release first album in five years  (cbsnews.com)	(22)
		Online criminal background checks may be accurate 99% of the time. Maybe. The remaining 1% leaves you homeless and class action lawyers rich  (telegram.com)	(77)
		Fatal shooting at Southern California power company leaves employees shocked. Shooter puts up no resistance  (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(60)

		All states which can confirm with 100% accuracy that there is no brain-eating bacteria in their tap water, please step forward. Not so fast, Louisiana  (rawstory.com)	(105)
		NASA pulls the plug on Space Shuttle Discovery for the last time Friday, Dec. 16, more than 28 years after the NASA's retired fleet leader first came alive. A faint, "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave" was heard  (space.com)	(112)
(Some Grinch)		Leave the Christmas cookies, cakes, candy bars, and soda at home ya little fatties, school is no place for yummy holiday celebrations this year  (boston.cbslocal.com)	(43)
		Lost: 10+ ostriches. Large birds, temperament unknown. Please do not feed or approach. If sighted, contact the Fukushima Nuclear Exclusion Zone commander immedia---+++ATH0+++   (japantimes.co.jp)	(47)
		Students in Warren, Michigan learned that classes were canceled today after someone stole the batteries from all their buses  (wxyz.com)	(45)
		Rooney Mara beat off competition from Scarlett Johansson & Natalie Portman to get the coveted lead in "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by getting drunk and auditioning while hung over  (starpulse.com)	(218)
		"If he had to die so young, at least he died at a moment where he was on top of the world," said the mother of a man who was killed when a train dumped its load of coal on top of him at a power plant  (myfoxdc.com)	(100)
		Putin puts a Playboy model in the Parliament. If this doesn't get more young people involved in politics, then it at least will wear out the arms of all the other male MPs  (dailymail.co.uk)	(57)
		Japan's Prime Minister declares Fukushima nuclear site "stable", marking the worst stretching of the truth by a head of state since "Mission Accomplished"  (bbc.co.uk)	(64)
		City of Clearwater gets a movie theater. Residents excited to check out this Tom Cruise they've heard so much about  (tampabay.com)	(39)
		Arsenal, Inter, Bayern, Chelsea, Real, and more. Your Champions League round of 16 draw is here. Oh, and that Europa League thing, too  (dailymail.co.uk)	(25)
(Rockford Register Star)		Small-town Illinois airport excited over possibility of picking up flights to Honolulu by airline whose four 50-seat jets currently make 30-minute inter-island hops. Geography is clearly no one's forte  (rrstar.com)	(32)
		Today's "college student uses own phone to email bomb threat to get out of exam" story brought to you by New Orleans  (wwl.com)	(41)

		Breaking: DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano just cut Sheriff Joe Arpaio's access to ICE programs. Hmmm... Napolitano... What is that, Italian? Mexican? May I see your papers, please?   (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(198)
		Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada  (gizmodo.com)	(94)
(NFL.com)		Finally, a break from an incredibly slow sports news week. With finals rendering college basketball bleak, and only NBA trade rumors to follow, here is your Week 15 Thursday Night game: Jacksonville @ Atlanta. Kickoff at 8:20 EST on NFL Network  (nfl.com)	(746)
		Police defy order to release black box data from politician's wrecked car, saying public would be misled by facts  (bostonherald.com)	(160)
		Police ask that you please stop Tweeting the exact location of their drunk driving checkstops (specifically, 34th Avenue and 50th Street)  (cbc.ca)	(219)
		Obama jk's his promise to veto the bill that gives him the power to disappear Americans who displease him. Tag is for the United States Constitution, 1787 - 2011  (guardian.co.uk)	(260)
(Some Skynet)		DragonBot Kombusto uses your Android phone to talk to and learn from other DragonBots, find Sarah Connor  (vincentabry.com)	(6)
(Some Guy)		'Pocket dialed' 911 call leads to easy arrest of two thieves  (host.madison.com)	(17)
		Local newscaster falls hard for colleague's prank  (youtube.com)	(20)
		Not news: Girl writes letter to Santa. Fark: Spoiled rotten snowbrat writes a letter to Santa telling him that she'll hunt down & cook his reindeer if she doesn't get at least two of the lavish gifts she's demanding  (dailymail.co.uk)	(127)
		Waiter, I'll have the Saddam Hussein Platter please  (news.yahoo.com)	(19)

		Scientists discover "leaproach" capable of jumping more than 50 times its own body length in order to land in your darkest nightmares  (gawker.com)	(22)
		"Jason Bourne's got his memory back three times in a row now... It's not amnesia, you have a learning disability," said the star regarding his return to the franchise, adding, "MAAAAATT DAAAAAMON"  (nydailynews.com)	(27)
(Political Wire)		Guess it's pretty clear who Fox News *doesn't* want to win the Republican nomination  (politicalwire.com)	(194)
(Some Nice Guy)		Mystery Santa walks into Kmart, pays off poor families' layaway items in time for Christmas. Dust cleanup in Aisle 5  (kpax.com)	(137)
(Some Guy)		If your nickname is 'Bang Bang,' try not to leave a backpack with half your name written on it at the train station. It might cause people to freak out . "It had the name 'Bang' on it"  (couriermail.com.au)	(84)
		"Teen Mom" Leah takes daughter for MRI to detect reasons for developmental delays. Apparently "being daughter of Teen Mom star Leah" is too obvious  (dailymail.co.uk)	(42)

		Japan to release packs of wild monkeys to test radiation levels in Fukushima. Best case scenario: hundreds of dead monkeys. Worst case scenario: Planet of the Apes II  (telegraph.co.uk)	(125)
		The most beautiful celebs of 2011. Prominently featuring Sofia Vergara's cleavage, of course  (celebslam.celebuzz.com)	(105)
(Some Out of Work Tour Guide)		So you want to operate a mule drawn carriage and make up stories about The French Quarter? We'll just need you to pass a history test, submit to a criminal background check and pee into this little cup please  (wwltv.com)	(39)
		Chuck E Cheese: Where a kid can shut the hell up and clean the dishes in the back  (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(38)
		Bank: We charged you so many fees that your account became overdrawn so we had to charge you more fees. That'll be $229.10 to close your account please  (abcnews.go.com)	(380)

		Fleabag motel to get rid of fleabags, motel  (latimes.com)	(22)
		Mitt Romney UNLEASHES THE KRAKEN  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(228)

		English Premier League is USA's top soccer league, with huge edge in TV ratings, talent, and salaries over MLS. "The passion that you see in the Premiership, it's unique. It's something that really draws American fans in"  (latimes.com)	(146)
		In this tough economy, it's nice to see that New York toll-takers are clearing $80,000-$100,000 per year  (nypost.com)	(461)
(Columbia tribune)		Low Energy Nuclear Reaction. It's real, it's not Cold Fusion, but no-one knows what it is because they are too busy arguing over it  (columbiatribune.com)	(70)
		Lean Over: The Rev. Al Sharpton's nonprofit paid him nearly $242,000 - even as it carried $1.6 million in debt. Most of the money woes stemmed from more than $880,000 in unpaid federal payroll taxes  (nypost.com)	(75)
(Some Guy)		North Korea warns South Korea to not display any Christmas lights near the border because it interferes with Dear Leader's golf game  (vancouversun.com)	(53)
		The face of atomic death: the first millisecond of a nuclear explosion looks like a horribly deformed skull  (gizmodo.com)	(97)

		While Rihanna dumps a new album of AutoTune mediocrity every year, Adele is talking 2 to 3 more years before she releases her next  (telegraph.co.uk)	(82)
		Aerial map of Mythbusters cannonball run will have to do until the video leaks out  (networkworld.com)	(227)
		Microsoft releases Silverlight 5, no one notices  (theregister.co.uk)	(93)
		Hugh Hefner shocked by Internet leak of Playboy's Lindsay Lohan spread. This is the first time the word "shocked" has been used in connection with either Playboy or Lindsay Lohan in years  (tmz.com)	(136)

		Clear off your desks and get out your sharpened #2 pencils, it's the weekly Fark Weird News Quiz  (fark.com)	(33)
		United States had 12 disasters in 2011 costing at least $1 billion each, a record. Well, actually 13 if you count Kim and Kris  (news.blogs.cnn.com)	(30)
		Man robs CVS store and leaves behind his birth certificate  (poconorecord.com)	(39)
(Some Boob-Lover)		A flat-chested teenage Salma Hayek went to a church that had a saint that was supposed to do a lot of miracles. "I put my hands in the holy water and went: 'Please Jesus give me some boobs.'" Thank you, Jesus  (mailonsunday.co.uk)	(117)
		For the record, Mr. Cool Ice no longer has the world's douchiest tattoo. This moron's Tebow centaur has now taken the lead  (huffingtonpost.com)	(93)
		NOLA (New Orleans Times-Picayune) gives a plug to FARK for showing them the "30 freakiest ads of 2011"  (nola.com)	(1)
		S&P's chief credit officer downgraded from "employed" to "fired". This leaves him at "junk" status and available for assignment to the Chicago Cubs  (bloomberg.com)	(7)
		Meth: now so easy to make, you don't even have to leave Walmart first  (tulsaworld.com)	(93)

		No charges filed after intruder pulls fire alarm. "It's really hard to fine a squirrel, so he got a stern lecture and was released outside"  (myfoxtampabay.com)	(20)
		NBA players won't be tested for pot in order to prevent half the players in the league from being suspended  (guardian.co.uk)	(21)
		I'm not sure what the question was, but if the answer is ostrich penis you can just leave me out of it  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(23)
		Iran releases video footage of downed RQ-170 drone. How'd they photoshop that?  (nytimes.com)	(361)
		Josh Groban learns the hard way that crocodiles are unforgiving music critics  (starpulse.com)	(24)
		Remember the STOCK Act, which would ban insider trading by members of Congress? A House committee "postponed indefinitely" a vote on it after senior Republican leadership told the chairman to knock it off  (politico.com)	(56)
(CBS Baltimore)		Two female Baltimore City Mounted Unit police officers are on leave after allegedly mounting each other in public  (baltimore.cbslocal.com)	(128)
		New Zealand Herald credits FARK for leading them to one of their 10 best internet links of the day (highlight #9)  (nzherald.co.nz)	(0)
		Cheerleader mom loses it. I mean, really loses it  (youtube.com)	(72)
		Playboy marketing team leaks cover shot of Lindsay Lohan issue. Right?  (celebslam.celebuzz.com)	(81)

		Two elementary school teachers caught having sex in stadium bathroom at a Buffalo Bills game. Hey, at least someone scored  (dailymail.co.uk)	(57)
(Some non-Auditing Guy)		Mitch Daniels is such a great leader that he just found $288 million dollars (that's been accumulating for four years in an account that they couldn't find before now)  (courierpress.com)	(68)
(Some Guy)		Who goes home, who goes to the Europa League, and who goes on for chance at glory? Chelsea, Porto, and AC Milan are among those in action in today's Champions League thread  (uefa.com)	(147)
		Slideshow of NFL cheerleaders putting on a disgusting display of skin and cleavage and the objectification of women. I mean...just LOOK at 'em  (wwl.com)	(86)
		The 2012 list of inductees to Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has been released. Guns and Roses, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Beastie Boys make the cut. Welcome to the Geritol  (bbc.co.uk)	(237)
		Forget tidings of great joy - try greetings of great depression. All you need for a very bleak Christmas  (stylist.co.uk)	(51)
		15-year-old actress gets paid $16,250 an hour for voiceover work, leaving others in the industry speechless  (tmz.com)	(86)
		70 years ago today, Japan attacked Pearl Harbor. Things looked awfully bleak. Then Brooklyn got involved  (life.com)	(167)
		Bill Gates developing OS with China, says it will be "low cost, very safe and generate very little waste", which means it will be full of security holes and will crash a lot. Wait, did I say OS? I meant a nuclear reactor  (news.yahoo.com)	(96)
		Petition circulated to get a pardon for Turing. Please enter the characters in the box to prove you are human and sign the petition  (boingboing.net)	(26)

		Donald Trump tells Fox News that he's "probably the least racist person there is." He used the word "probably" for a reason, folks  (newshounds.us)	(46)
		Apple gives Samsung some helpful advice on avoiding patent infringement: don't make your tablets rectangular, black, thin, with rounded corners or flat fronts, or clean in appearance. No, this isn't from The Onion  (macworld.com)	(202)
		Week 14 in the Premier League: That strange, vertigo-inducing television angle at White Hart Lane makes the matches look like a video game. If that's the case, that kid from The Last Starfighter is currently controlling the Tottenham team  (grantland.com)	(18)
		In the Bible, a man named Barak was supposed to lead the Israelites to fight the Canaanites. But Barak wimped out, so Deborah stepped up and led the charge. In present day terms, Deborah is Michele Bachmann, and Barak is, obviously, Taxbongo  (wnd.com)	(78)
		Naked guy: "Please tase me 'bro". Deputy: "OK...BZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTT"   (sun-sentinel.com)	(29)
		A lesson in political reporting. 2004: A 5.7% unemployment rate with 300,000 people leaving the workplace equals "Lost Hope." 2011: An 8.6% unemployment rate with 315,000 people leaving the workplace equals "Raising Hopes"  (boortz.com)	(110)
		UK November retail sales weakest since May. When will they learn to emulate Americans and spend money they don't have?  (bbc.co.uk)	(5)

		Reporter: "Tim Tebow is making me question my atheism." With good reason. Clearly, selling his soul to Satan has paid off for the Broncos  (slate.com)	(40)
		Would you like to vote in Wisconsin? $200, please  (maddowblog.msnbc.msn.com)	(150)
		Democrats, Republicans release their dueling tax plans. Whoever wins, we lose  (politico.com)	(139)
		Marco Rubio releases new unembellished memoir. Spoiler Alert: Fidel Castro is his father  (politico.com)	(29)
		Aaaah, so that's where Mr Floor-Humper learned his routines  (guardian.co.uk)	(26)
		If grabbing a bra is second base, then these thieves lead the league in doubles  (mlive.com)	(3)
(Some Guy)		In the US, people tend to leave electronics behind in cabs. In France it's their clothes. And in London it's a dead donkey  (thechronicle.com.au)	(17)
		England won't be leaking Julian Assange to Sweden just yet  (news.com.au)	(25)

		Man protests bureaucracy by releasing 40 cobras in tax office  (newsfeed.time.com)	(45)
		George Will calls Herman Cain an 'entrepreneurial charlatan' who used his campaign 'as a book tour.' Why won't the liberal, mainstream, MSM, in-bed-with-Obama socialist Muslim media leave Cain alone?  (mediaite.com)	(98)
		In case you ever wondered how do the top restaurants train their staff, you know, the ones where you actually have to leave a tip  (nypost.com)	(32)
		Dane Cook quitting stand-up for now, says he respects the art form so much -- which is clearly the funniest thing he's said in years  (latimes.com)	(84)
		Listen up you fudging Farkers. It's about fudging time you fudging learned how to make some fudging fudge. Just don't ask us to help you pack it, that's what your mom is for  (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(50)
		Ukrainian dog learns to fetch vodka. Now that's the spirit  (youtube.com)	(3)
		They Might Be Giants release new electronic version of "Istanbul" (w/ video). Why they changed it I can't say, I guess they just liked it better this way  (tampabay.com)	(79)
		And the world's least corrupt nation is  (cnn.com)	(79)

(Some Guy)		School puts up Ten Commandments display. Student complains, prompts ACLU to file lawsuit. Of course, the school wants to force the court to release the student's name and are calling him a "coward" for remaining anonymous  (roanoke.com)	(411)
		Man claims he was running a "clean" escort service but "Craigslist really filthed it up"  (omaha.com)	(34)
(Some Guy)		Protip: If your disturbed wife's shopping list includes plastic sheets, gallons of bleach, eight roasting pans, and a Sawzall, you might want to spend the holidays elsewhere  (heraldnet.com)	(82)
		The winners and losers of Fall TV are here, and most surprisingly, Charlie Sheen falls into the former camp. And least surprisingly, Terra Nova falls into the latter camp  (insidetv.ew.com)	(86)
		We're sorry our bus hit your car, please send us a $70,000 money order, kthxbai  (thedenverchannel.com)	(218)
		Kanye West says he expects world leaders at his funeral. "Ones that say, 'Kanye gave me my first shot, he told me to believe in myself'  (thesun.co.uk)	(79)
(Owner of a counter-surfer)		Tag is for subby. Yes she's okay. I'm going to just leave this here as a public service message: What to do if your dog eats your medical marijuana  (bouldermountainvet.com)	(136)
		The story of how a 51-year-old screen printer got a one-day contract with the NHL-leading Minnesota Wild. No snark, just a nice guy who got to live out a dream  (espn.go.com)	(47)

		Protip: If you're going to make a career out of carjacking, learn how to drive a stick shift. Florida tag barely squeezes out dumbass tag  (tampabay.com)	(71)
		Would it surprise you to learn that there is no actual Bennett composing those hilarious "Texts From Bennett"? I thought not  (thesmokinggun.com)	(47)
		Please welcome the two newest elements to the Periodic Table: Livermorium and Flerovium. Flavinglavinium, Professorfrinkanium, Glavinflavinanium still awaiting approval process  (news.yahoo.com)	(89)
		Minecraft creator steps down as lead designer, fans weep blocky tears of sadness  (g4tv.com)	(45)
		Thirty antique coins turned in after plea from authorities following metal detecting weekend in England. Police would like to thank a Mr. J. Iscariot for his honesty  (bbc.co.uk)	(33)
		Defibrillator toaster. It's the one *CLEAR* choice for your breakfast needs  (boingboing.net)	(16)
		European leaders can still avoid the economic apocalypse. The zombie apocalypse, however, is an entirely different story  (economist.com)	(17)
		Scott Walker is wondering where he should send the bill for cleaning up the capitol. (voting enabled)  (jsonline.com)	(75)
(Some Guy)		Police would like you to please stop being such an ass and calling 911 for no reason  (chicago.cbslocal.com)	(22)
(Some Male Cheerleader)		Hot high school cheerleading coach fired because of her part time job. At Hooters. (w. pic of what hot cheer coach dressed as Hooters girl might look like.)  (badjocks.com)	(162)
		Cool: Telegraph obit of WWII vet with the usual giant clanking British steel balls. Bonus: "Leading his company in a dawn raid, he surprised the local mayor, who was sharing his bed with several attractive companions"  (telegraph.co.uk)	(32)
		Demonstrating the need to eliminate the Department of Education, Herman Cain's super PAC releases an ad with his name spelled wrong  (huffingtonpost.com)	(21)
		In the sickening sports world of child molestation and brute, ego-driven domination, there is one but one man whose actions show us what it means to be a leader. Bless us, oh Tebow, and show us the light  (washingtonpost.com)	(57)

		Fire up the Yakkety Sax box, it's Philly at Seattle for your Thursday night viewing pleasure. No questions asked  (scores.espn.go.com)	(824)
		10 Things We Didn't Learn From Enron Scandal. You can add these to the things we didn't learn all the scandals that came after. And to the ones that came before  (abcnews.go.com)	(77)
		World's most competent attorney says his client, Jerry Sandusky, might plead guilty  (espn.go.com)	(85)
		Man pleads guilty of using Acme product to trap bear. Did he catch anything? Yeah. A fine  (burlingtonfreepress.com)	(13)
(Some Guy)		Are you sitting down? Now, I don't want to alarm anyone, but it turns out that abstinence-only education leads to higher teen pregnancy rates  (eurekalert.org)	(191)
		At least until the next scandal breaks it's looking more and more like The Gingrich Who Stole Mittmas  (miamiherald.com)	(45)
(Techeye.net)		So this is what Jobs meant when he said that he was going thermonuclear on Android. Iphones now Taliban's weapon of choice  (news.techeye.net)	(15)
		Fox president all but confirms Prometheus is an alien prequel, says he's "heartbroken" about the leaked footage. But not as heartbroken as the people who watched it expecting some excitement  (avclub.com)	(28)
(Some Guy)		Man deported four prior times shows up in South Carolina jail. OK Alex, I'll take "Immigration reform, my ass" for $200 please  (thesunnews.com)	(19)
		Herman Cain should have taken Bill Richardson's advice: You don't pay a hooker for sex, you pay her to leave and keep her mouth shut  (theatlanticwire.com)	(11)
		Michigan State cheerleader falls, breaks face, lies motionless on the floor. Then the PA system starts playing "The Final Countdown"  (deadspin.com)	(65)
		Cheery News: Brewery releases beer called 'Christmas Jumper'. Morbid Fark: Brewery based at UK's most notorious suicide cliff  (shortlist.com)	(21)
		Recent Spider-Man leak controversy begs the question: Is it appropriate to judge a movie based on its PEZ dispenser?  (mtv.com)	(32)
		Ancient Mayan tablet does not say the world will end in 2012; properly decoded, it cryptically states "In the One Mile High City, the 15 Man will lead his fellow horsemen to victory in a Bowl That Is Super". Whatever that means  (guardian.co.uk)	(71)
		Experts wonder if Israel was behind those explosions at Iran's nuclear plants, if water is wet, if the sky is blue and if beer is spilled on Fark's servers every now and then  (nydailynews.com)	(363)

		Mike Leach takes it up the WAZZU  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(125)
		Ron Paul releases a new cookbook. He's against any sort of spices, most of his recipes only have a few ingredients and taste quite bland, but a small but very vocal minority believes it to be the most important cookbook ever  (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(123)
		Can 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' unite Israel and Palestinian leaders? Of course not, but the article features amusing clip from the show  (entertainment.msnbc.msn.com)	(28)
(Some Guy)		Then there was the time that Richard Nixon showed those dead extraterrestrials to Jackie Gleason  (openminds.tv)	(20)
(Techspot)		UN e-mail addresses hacked. They'd release a strongly-worded letter, except that's kind of the problem already  (techspot.com)	(15)
		Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to show up at a Target store in Dayton and act like a total retard. Welcome to Operation Fleabag  (youtube.com)	(88)
		FCC allows AT&T to withdraw its T-Mobile merger, flips them the bird as they're leaving   (idealab.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(27)
		Legalizing medical marijuana leads to a 12% drop in alcohol related fatal car crashes  (denverpost.com)	(127)
		Man sues MSNBC for airing an interview with Michael Jackson's doctor. Because he says it infringes on his yet-to-be-released animation film about Jackson's death  (hollywoodreporter.com)	(12)
		"If we can't get a playoff, can they at least stop insulting our intelligence?"  (rivals.yahoo.com)	(124)
(XKCD)		"If you want something done right, learning from the Nazis isn't enough. You have to put them in charge too"  (xkcd.com)	(98)
		"Seven things I learned from Star Trek." Missing from the list: dropping a rock on a lizard man works every time  (huffingtonpost.com)	(49)
		A team of Georgetown students, studying blogs, Google Maps, and a Chinese TV military docudrama, says China has a 3,000 mile long network of underground rail tunnels housing as many as 4,000 nuclear warheads  (washingtonpost.com)	(108)
		Hell-bent for leather: Daytona Beach edition  (life.com)	(11)

		Greg Maddux is leaving the Cubs. This is not a repeat from 1992, 2006  (espn.go.com)	(31)
(Some Guy)		The world's first nuclear-powered aircraft carrier turned 50 this week, and all 250,000 who've served aboard the USS Enterprise would like to wish the Big E a very Happy Birthday  (wtkr.com)	(124)
		Come join the Scientology cruise liner, it is so good you will never want to leave, we have escorts to make sure of it. Bonus: Letter from CoS telling news site to not run story  (abc.net.au)	(251)
(Some Guy)		Herman Cain reassessing his campaign. If only he'd waited until his wife was sick to have an extramarital affair he'd be leading the GOP race  (933flz.com)	(282)
		If you're a head coach in the NFL, please step forward. Not so fast, Jack Del Rio  (espn.go.com)	(77)
		"According to NFL Senior VP of public relations Greg Aiello, the league has no policy concerning players urinating on the sidelines"  (nydailynews.com)	(38)
		Behind the Cheddar Curtain: Wisconsin woman calls 911 to try to stop her husband from leaving a bar in the final hours of the long holiday weekend  (news.yahoo.com)	(14)
		Gingrich meets privately with South Carolina pastors. Guess how many of these traditional-values leaders asked Newt about his tendency to treat the Seventh Commandment as strictly optional   (politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com)	(78)
		Chuck Woolery: "I urge you to call or email your congressman or woman, let them know that as Americans we want sober hookers, happy male prostitutes and clean genitals"  (youtube.com)	(18)
		With Barney Frank leaving, the Democrats are going to turn the bat shiat crazy on the top Democrat on the House Financial Services Committee up to 11  (thehill.com)	(79)
		Just like cheerleaders are real athletes and self-published writers are real authors, Air Force drone operators would like you to know that they're real pilots, damnit  (npr.org)	(235)
		Look, one more time- if you buy a hooker and the sex is no good, do not kidnap her baby and leave it in a field. How many times do we need to go over this, people of Florida?  (jacksonville.com)	(28)

		Pima County AZ SWAT team learning that it's a lot harder to sweep a questionable shooting under the rug when the guy you shoot is a Marine vet you can't even pretend was a bad guy  (news.yahoo.com)	(463)
		The New Orleans Saints vs. the New York Giants. Who Dat? vs. What The Fark Are You Lookin' At? Monday Night Football, right here (8:30 PM ET, ESPN)  (scores.espn.go.com)	(lots)
		Herman Cain is now leaking his own scandals  (news.yahoo.com)	(553)
		Jon Huntsman says that his New Hampshire chances may be... oh, what's the point of finishing this headline? *turns off the lights, leaves*  (foxnews.com)	(65)
(Some Guy)		The first operating U.S. nuclear plant shut down because of an earthquake has reopened to glowing reviews  (wtkr.com)	(40)
		Newly released footage from 1930's shows dog jumping incredible distances. Wanted steak. Got steak  (shortlist.com)	(26)
		Thanks to questionable breeding practices, the fact that bulldogs are "the most relentless farters in the canine world" is probably the least of their problems  (nytimes.com)	(197)
(AdAge)		Sales of hard cider rise 25 percent in 2011, leading experts to proclaim cider the new craft beer, "drawing premium prices, coveted women drinkers and even more male fans attracted to bold flavors"  (adage.com)	(53)
		Modern American teenagers appear to have lost their love for cars, preferring to hang out online instead of 'cruising' together. Which leads to the question: What the hell is wrong with modern American teenagers?  (bbc.co.uk)	(239)

		Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to smashed car windows in the Toys R Us parking lot  (capecodonline.com)	(35)
		Cowboys refuse to let cheerleader talk about how she was plowed by Jason Witten at Thursday's game  (sports.yahoo.com)	(73)
		Mitt Romney: "I'm not trying to put money in people's pockets." At least he's honest  (thinkprogress.org)	(84)
		Common disk encryption software is so good it makes the disk unreadable to local and federal law enforcement, according to a press release from Pedobear.org  (physorg.com)	(92)

		The Reagan Doctrine ought to be revived, renewed and applied by the next occupant of the Oval Office to the clear and present dangers of the 21st century  (townhall.com)	(239)
		All the fear-mongering about the looming budget "cuts" to the Pentagon. Like so much else in D.C., it turns out to be a load of misleading crap  (thedailybeast.com)	(77)
		Can Alabama Usually Beat Us Red Necks again? Luck or the Irish? Will PSU bugger the Badgers? UCLA @ USC, OK? Virginny's at war, Oregon and Washington are like, divided, and WTF's an Egg Bowl? CFB Rivalry Week - Clean, Old Fashioned Hate  (espn.go.com)	(1157)
		With $20 of materials you can generate a plasma 10,000 times denser than a top of the line nuclear fusion research experiment  (bbc.co.uk)	(48)

		"Practising yoga is Satanic, it leads to evil just like reading Harry Potter"  (telegraph.co.uk)	(183)
		"It used to be there was at least some mental safety mechanism, some pause for people before they would resort to the ultimate use of force. That one barrier seems to have disappeared"  (tampabay.com)	(130)
		MSNBC's Ed Shultz named #3 least influential person alive. "The only reason people watch "The Ed Show" is they're working out in a hotel gym and they can't find a staff member to change the channel to ESPN"  (mediabistro.com)	(88)
		Iowa learns the only reason they were allowed into the Big Ten is that Nebraska needed a team to make its biatch  (scores.espn.go.com)	(22)
		"Shocked Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader" is your Thanksgiving photo of 2011. And the only thing that might improve it would be to make it a Fark instashop contest  (sportsgrid.com)	(37)
(Some Gaga)		Lady Gaga wants a "really big dick." She should learn to accept what she has  (digitalspy.com)	(117)
(Slicing Up Eyeballs)		Amazon Elvis Costello's new boxed set priced at $260. The singer responded with a directive to fans to steal it, wait for the standalone releases, or buy Louis Armstrong's boxed set. "Frankly, his music is vastly superior"  (slicingupeyeballs.com)	(72)
		Sue Paterno told to leave swimming pool on the Penn State campus. Before you get outraged, remember, her husband's no longer a university employee and techincally she was trespassing  (huffingtonpost.com)	(219)

		20 years ago today he had to leave us all behind and face the truth  (youtube.com)	(61)
		Taiwanese study says having your partner taking multivitamins can lead to casual sex. Friday night now becomes a case of beer and a bottle of Flintstones chewables  (vitals.msnbc.msn.com)	(9)
(Some Guy)		A league of topless female basketball players can't wait to fill the NBA void. "The girls are really excited. We're practically busting out of our tops"  (couriermail.com.au)	(92)

		Why the Stop Piracy Online Act endangers America's Internet leadership  (arstechnica.com)	(40)
(clatl.com)		A picture of John Fitzgerald Page's cheerleader costume has surfaced. He needs to be at the costume shop in 26 minutes. (7th pic from the bottom)  (clatl.com)	(77)
		New comic releases this week include Fantastic Four, X-Men, and RON PAUL  (kotaku.com)	(7)
		While he won't face any criminal charges, at least the Texas judge who was caught on tape beating his disabled daughter might not get to be a judge anymore  (news.yahoo.com)	(145)
		All the Champions League goals, including Real Madrid's three goals to Dinamo Zagreb in 9 minutes  (eitb.com)	(21)
		Despite Android lead, iOS devs slurp scads more mazuma. OH COME ON, I don't even think that passes for what you Brits call English. Tag is because I'm still trying to figure out what the hell that headline meant  (theregister.co.uk)	(40)
		New batch of hacked climate scientist e-mails released on eve of climate summit. Thus, Al Gore is wrong and it will snow tomorrow  (guardian.co.uk)	(213)
		It appears Victoria's Secret learned a thing or two at Comic-Con this year (slide show, but worth it)  (upi.com)	(137)

		Kris Humphries suing Kim Kardashian for $10 million. That's a lot of anal bleaching  (starpulse.com)	(39)
		Iowa's ultra-conservative, ultra-Christian group Family Leader says it will nominate either Perry, Santorum, Gingrich, or Bachmann  (qctimes.com)	(412)
		Major League Baseball and the MLB Players Association reach preliminary agreement, stick tongues out at the NBA  (mlb.mlb.com)	(25)
		Unlearned lesson from 932 A.D. : New Orleans takes bids to develop second Swamp Castle. Just to show 'em  (nola.com)	(76)
		"NCIS" actor David Fisher pleads not guilty to choking, head-slapping  (tmz.com)	(15)
		Neo-nazis adopt a road in Delaware and agree to keep it clean, although locals notice that suddenly there's a lot more noticeable white trash when they show up  (huffingtonpost.com)	(50)
		What is the greatest Thanksgiving movie of all time? Hint: It was released 24 years ago  (entertainment.msnbc.msn.com)	(82)
		"God help us, have we become such a humourless, politically correct...eager-to-please and appease society that a bit of good old-fashioned direct political action is akin to a criminal act?"  (stuff.co.nz)	(16)
(Some Guy)		Closing in on the round of 16, today's Champions League matches include Lyon v Ajax, Bayern v Villarreal, and Napoli v Manchester City  (uefa.com)	(26)

		Some dude who only played in 30 games this season is named MVP of the American League  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(123)
		You ask your neighbor for $2. They decline. Do you A) Say thanks anyway and leave, B) Ask for $5, C) Stab them in the back and leave them for dead. Difficulty: 2 out of 3  (orlandosentinel.com)	(62)
		Brazilian soccer player scores, attempts South American version of the Lambeau Leap, eats bush  (youtube.com)	(8)
		Rupee touches new low, leading many to worry it may blink out of existence   (timesofindia.indiatimes.com)	(23)
		Florida quarterback leads woebegone NFL team to three consecutive NFL wins. No, not Tebus, this is a guy who completes more than 50% of his passes  (miamiherald.com)	(77)
		Cutler leaves another game with a fake injury... Wait what, he continued to play with a broken thumb? Well then carry on  (msn.foxsports.com)	(113)

		UC Davis chancellor Katehi does Walk of Shame, learns that silence speaks with a volume and clarity none can dispute  (npr.org)	(930)
		Study designed to illustrate just how effeminate Britain has become says men take longer to get ready than women -- including more time cleansing, toning and moisturizing  (telegraph.co.uk)	(98)
		Chicago Sun-Times learns that "scamming the scammer" is actually fun  (suntimes.com)	(49)
(Morning Sentinel.com)		You show up to work and the boss sees you crying because you have to move out of your apartment. Does he: a) tell you to get back to work and leave your problems at home, b) fire you, or c) throw dust in subby's eye?  (onlinesentinel.com)	(176)
		Radio station gives away fifty turkeys. Hopefully, they learned a valuable lesson from WKRP  (wivb.com)	(35)

		UFC 139 - Shogun vs. Henderson KO fest may last slightly longer than 64 seconds. At the very least, there will be more than one fight on TV. Internet prelims on now, Free TV fights on at 8 PM ET, and main card at 9  (msn.foxsports.com)	(368)
		Saif Gadaffi aims to Please, fails  (cbsnews.com)	(56)
		What happens when you don't talk to kids about sex: they learn everything from porn. And apparently, this is considered a bad thing  (slate.com)	(147)
(Regina Leader Post)		Regina Leader Post covers sports events of the week with the help of FARK: "Recent news out of Venezuela caught the attention of the gang at Fark.com"  (leaderpost.com)	(2)

(Some Guy)		Rule #3 of robbing someone's house. Try not lo leave yourself logged into Facebook, your car running in the driveway, AND your parole card in your wallet on the seat (3 Likes - 2 Comments)  (atlanta.cbslocal.com)	(18)
		Looks like Demi was sleeping with other women too, so LEAVE ASHTON ALONE  (iol.co.za)	(47)
(Some Guy)		Father of the Year candidate leaves 13-year-old daughter holding 50 bags of crack as he escapes from police  (nbcphiladelphia.com)	(38)
		Teen learns the #1 rule of fishing: DON'T GET YOUR EYE CAUGHT ON A FISH HOOK  (nwfdailynews.com)	(40)
		Colleagues say that casting director really had a great feel for working with children. Police say that's precisely the problem  (latimes.com)	(59)
		Boys' brains are different than girls' brains. Well, for one, boys are smarter, more mature, and better suited to being leaders while girls have cooties  (slate.com)	(125)
(Some Guy)		Gullible men wanted for job on cattle farm. Located in out-of-the way area with no witnesses. Bring all your valuables along. Please, no bullet proof vests  (dispatch.com)	(55)
		Se7en screenwriter signs on to 20,000 leagues project. WHAT'S IN THE SCRIPT?????  (deadline.com)	(25)
		Woman has been fighting to clear her fiancee's name. He's just shown police where he buried the body of his wife. Awkward  (bbc.co.uk)	(73)
		Behold, a left-armed warrior shall lead orange-clad men to victory against the green hordes. Amen  (sports.yahoo.com)	(260)
		Johnson & Johnson to release No More Carcinogens Shampoo soon  (9news.com)	(16)

		Facebook leaves spammers a note that says "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST NOVEMBER"  (pcworld.com)	(11)
		Obama mistakenly refers to Hawaii as 'Asia' during summit. Leads instantly to slightly higher approval ratings amongst Republican voters  (foxnews.com)	(106)
		Man places signs reading "Car Bomb" and "50-Foot Clearance I.E.D." on woman's car. Cops don't appreciate his sense of vigilance  (ajc.com)	(16)
		Today I quote a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herman Cain: "We need a leader, not a reader"  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(73)
		Bad: Being accused of shoplifting. Good: Being cleared of shoplifting after a cop searches you. Bad Again: Being charged after the cop finds pot on you during the shoplifting search. Even worse: You are hanging out with Katt Williams  (tmz.com)	(15)
		Cowboys cheerleader won't get pink slip. She's going commando now?  (bleacherreport.com)	(18)
		Lobbying scandal leaves a black mark on Newt Gingrich's campaign, leaving him in a kettle of trouble, according to a pot-shot taken by Jack Abramoff  (wnd.com)	(54)
(Some Guy)		Semi full of beer flips on the interstate. Eight fire trucks, twenty-six police cruisers, four ambulances, two local construction crews, five local newstations, and several hundred commuters show up to help clean up the crash  (kcci.com)	(93)
		Russia threatens nuclear war on its borders. This is not a repeat from 1947 to 1989  (washingtonpost.com)	(87)
		To 'up' his manliness Medvedev employs team of cheerleaders. Putin set to bed every last one of them  (shortlist.com)	(24)
(Cyprus Mail)		When "seeking a pleasant change that would break the monotony of hard work", do not do it by rupturing your friend's intestine with a blast from an air compressor  (cyprus-mail.com)	(65)
(Some Guy)		Boeing delivers first batch of 30,000-pound bunker-busting bombs to Air Force. Iran busy photoshopping new underwear for nuclear scientists  (wtkr.com)	(161)
		Houston Astros move from the National League as MLB splits into two equal sized leagues. Orioles now become 15th worst team in American League  (cleveland.com)	(194)

		In one of the ballsiest political maneuvers ever, Herman Cain says that the President simply shouldn't be expected to know things, especially things like foreign policy, because knowing things leads to poor decision making   (livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(203)
		Texas College Republican leader: "Hey ya'll, you might be tempted to shoot the President, but don't do it. Oh, damnit, I may have worded that wrong"  (abcnews.go.com)	(243)
		Skyrim ships 7 million copies since release. In related news, missing persons reports skyrocket  (g4tv.com)	(896)
		Well, at least the Chinese have moved on to rare, plant-based, ingredients for their aphrodisiacs, so that's progress, I guess  (news.yahoo.com)	(78)
		Tips for getting along with your roommates: 1) Always pay your bills on time. 2) Don't let your dishes pile up in the sink. 3) Give your roommates a heads up before leaving a severed bison head on a decorative rock in the front yard  (azcentral.com)	(56)
		Iran is to help with Turkey nuclear power plant. Wow, and I thought those pop up thermometers were some high tech stuff  (reuters.com)	(9)
		Police arrrest Chinese mine boss after he fakes being trapped. Cops afraid that after a quick release he may go underground  (dailymail.co.uk)	(6)
		Best Korea is to allow tourists into the country. Just leave your camera, and cell phone at home. Don't talk to anyone, or look at anything. Sounds like fun  (washingtonpost.com)	(64)
		Intertek leads the FTSE higher, wants to know if you got the memo about the TPS reports  (marketwatch.com)	(4)
		The most dangerous jobs for movie characters to have. Cheerleading mountain climbers beware  (shortlist.com)	(35)

		Today's Fark-ready headline:"Pervert-pleasing high-heeled mice stompers convicted of cruelty"  (thelocal.de)	(82)
(fox10tv.com)		Teens drink bleach to pass drug tests, with predictable results  (fox10tv.com)	(133)
(Some Guy)		If your wife received two gunshot wounds because you were "cleaning your gun" the police might have a problem with that  (wmur.com)	(80)
		Previously conjoined twins leave hospital, now set to go their separate ways  (news.yahoo.com)	(12)
		The latest threat to Mitt Romney? Newt Gingrich. At least, this week. Next week it'll be Bill Paxton or something  (talkingpointsmemo.com)	(162)
(Some Guy)		So did you hear the one about a guy that went to a midget football game and a cheerleading cat fight broke out?  (pressdemocrat.com)	(31)
		Some patriot who is clearly solely interested in the democratic process just took out the "Recall Walker" website with a DDOS attack  (dailykos.com)	(113)

		Well, at least there's some good news on the horizon, Doctor Who fans: John Barrowman doesn't think Torchwood will be back for a fifth season  (gigwise.com)	(76)
		Photoshop this lone leaf  (cdn.theatlantic.com)	(40)
(Some Guy)		News: man hits deer with motorcycle. Fark: friends arrive to help, load bike into truck, and leave man on side of road with deer  (ksat.com)	(100)
		Rick Perry the candidate: "Federal spending and Obamacare are killing this country". Rick Perry the governor: "Can I have $24 billion, please? Oh, and we'll take some of that health care money, too"  (huffingtonpost.com)	(52)
		Herman Cain: "A manly man don't want it piled high with vegetables. He would call that a sissy pizza." There are people out there who want this man to be leader of the free world? YIKES  (rawstory.com)	(278)
		Biggest NFL story this Sunday? Patriots? nope. Colts? nope. How does a Bills receiver snag a Cowboys cheerleader? Yup. (w/video)  (huffingtonpost.com)	(90)
		Swedish nuclear power plant on fire because of: a) earthquake, b) tsunami, or c) a vacuum cleaner  (theregister.co.uk)	(42)
		Texas-based Tea Party movement that is hugely anti-voter fraud and is trying to put its volunteers in place to watch polling places now in league with the lunatic who thinks the poor shouldn't vote   (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(128)
		Obama to world leaders in Hawaii: maybe dressing like Don Ho isn't the best visual  (cbsnews.com)	(46)
		The full trailer for The Iron Lady has Meryl Streep literally pleading for another Oscar. Poor thing hasn't been nominated since last year  (shortlist.com)	(22)
		"Sex quiz cricket ace in hotel suicide leap." The Sun is there, with a grammatically questionable headline  (thesun.co.uk)	(25)
		When Gaddafi farked you, you stayed farked. At least until after the surgeons stopped the internal bleeding  (gawker.com)	(79)
		ESPN's Week 10 QBR Leaderboard. Two completions is good enough for 6th, ahead of Matt Ryan, Matt Hasselbeck, Ben Roethlisberger, and Alex Smith  (espn.go.com)	(214)
		Once again, a poor decision to brand oneself with a tattoo leads police to a quick, tidy arrest  (suntimes.com)	(64)

		It takes balls to sing an 'Occupy' song at a dinner for world leaders. It takes skill to do it for 40 minutes and not be noticed  (rawstory.com)	(148)
		NY Times: Ok, we've been praising this OWS movement and never giving it any scrutiny, so here it is. It does have shadow leaders who organized it, not a 'spontaneous grass roots' group, and we gave it a free ride until today  (nytimes.com)	(290)
		The controversy over free will. Look, there are those who think that life has nothing left to chance. A host of holy horrors to direct our aimless dance. I will choose a path that's clear, I will choose freewill  (salon.com)	(280)
		Short line railroads are making a comeback. In other news, that strip of cleared land where you put your pool is a railroad right of way  (telegram.com)	(24)
		Gawker runs a weird horse story and thanks FARK leading them to it  (gawker.com)	(2)
		Arab League threatens Syria with veiled threats of suspension  (cbc.ca)	(19)

		Revolutionary ultrasonic nozzle will change the way water cleans. Don't be a douche, check it out  (sciencedaily.com)	(33)
(Some Guy)		Hold the door to keep me from leaving the bathroom? That's a stabbin'  (wwltv.com)	(29)
		Nic Cage's copy of the 1938 Action Comics #1 could sell for over two million dollars. Man, for that kind of money, you could buy at least four million copies of the new Action Comics #1  (hollywoodreporter.com)	(25)
		Mark Twain once said "I simply can't resist a cat, particularly a purring one. They are the cleanest, cunningest, and most intelligent things I know..." Sounds like he would have really enjoyed Caturday  (blogs.courant.com)	(lots)
		Not news: Cold War ended years ago. News: There are still nuclear warheads out there. Fark: Here is a story including a map of where they are  (news.yahoo.com)	(144)
		17 dead when minibus plunges off cliff during funeral procession, some comfort given that the death toll could've been greater if it was the lead car  (cbc.ca)	(25)
		No Premier League games, but the international friendlies are going on today with South Africa v Ivory Coast, Wales v Norway, and the match everybody's watching: England v Spain  (soccernet.espn.go.com)	(68)
		Pregnant women crave the weirdest snacks. This woman's choice of food, however, will leave you feeling flat  (blog.sfgate.com)	(60)
		Niger pleased to offer Gaddafi's son asylum  (news.yahoo.com)	(50)

		Kidnapped Major League baseball catcher Wilson Ramos safe at home  (nbcsports.msnbc.com)	(35)
		For Leafs fans craving an update on the status of James Reimer, here's an interview with the most qualified of sources: his mom  (thestar.com)	(19)
		Clear your desks, it's time for the Fark Weird News Quiz  (fark.com)	(42)
		What will Wall Street learn from a bunch of MFers? A) nothing B) nothing C) Absolutely farking nothing  (foxbusiness.com)	(19)
		Syrian troops learn a little military lesson called "Custer's Last Stand" when the protesters fight back  (msnbc.msn.com)	(97)
		Guess who is back on top of the leaderboard?  (espn.go.com)	(37)
(Futurity)		"We are talking about a highly ambitious goal leading to a fundamental breakthrough that will, ultimately, allow us to rapidly prototype, implement, and deploy living entities that are completely new and do not appear in nature"  (futurity.org)	(47)
(Naples Daily News)		Boy Scouts learn valuable lesson in fire safety from their Scout leader as he retires old American flags in one fell swoop  (naplesnews.com)	(39)

		Everclear-fueled Tennessee woman cuts up her first cousin with scissors because she doesn't want to be his "booty call," but rather wants a real relationship with him. Cue up the banjo  (thesmokinggun.com)	(114)
(Some Guy)		Police use thermal imaging to capture suspect utilizing the old "hide in a pile of leaves with my meth" trick  (610wiod.com)	(28)
		The biggest lessons to be learned from the OWS movement will be the economic and political lessons learned BY OWS  (forbes.com)	(282)
(Some Guy)		Just so we're clear guys. When that hot MILF you just met in a chat room agrees to let you have sex with her and her 14 year old daughter, you might actually be talking to a cop  (naplesnews.com)	(107)

(Some Guy)		Not news: Occupy Denver elects a leader to communicate with police and city officials. News: She's a dog. Fark: An actual four-legged canine dog  (wp.koaa.com)	(294)
(Some Guy)		Coast Guard: "Well, this is the cleanest the Gulf of Mexico is going to get... Which is to say it's not very clean"  (620wdae.com)	(49)
		Supporters of the MS "Personhood" ballot initiative say they're not going to let a little thing like the clearly and overwhelmingly expressed will of the people stop them from trying again to get the law passed in other ways  (news.yahoo.com)	(150)
		Would the last person to leave Azeroth please turn out the lights?  (pc.ign.com)	(167)
		Brooklyn District Attorney wants to use DNA samples to prosecute spitters. Clearly, he has great expectorations  (nypost.com)	(73)
		Oil again flirting with $100 per barrel. Did oil learn NOTHING from Herman Cain?  (wlsam.com)	(24)
		The idea is to NOT attract attention to yourself when shoplifting. Please make a note of it (with video goodness)  (metro.co.uk)	(34)
		Man reacts rationally upon learning that "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3" is sold out at Best Buy. Just kidding, he threatens to go "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3" on the store  (9news.com)	(316)
		Researchers find old-fashioned leather football helmets were as effective as - sometimes better than - current models  (upi.com)	(60)
		"Five things I learned by quitting the internet," and then wrote about on the internet  (cracked.com)	(32)
		China threatens massive release of greenhouse gasses unless "climate ransom" is paid. But you've got a Prius, solar panels, and all those carbon credits, so no worries  (marketwatch.com)	(177)

		International Atomic Energy Agency releases a 25-page report detailing how they were the last people in the world to realize Iran is trying to make nuclear weapons  (bbc.co.uk)	(128)
		All the world waits in anticipation, forgetting the crisis in Greece, throwing aside all concern over a nuclear threat from Iran, and we wonder--does Courtney Strodden have fake boobs?  (foxnews.com)	(85)
		11 least employable majors. Psychology: check. Library Science: check. Computer Administration Management: wait, what?  (huffingtonpost.com)	(160)
(Some Robot)		Mega Man II themed iPhone cases? Yes please  (the-daily-robot.tumblr.com)	(31)
(Some Guy)		Latest nude photos released to the public? Michael Vick (with photoshopped badness)  (metro.us)	(19)
(Blog for Democracy)		I mean, say what you like about the tenets of libertarianism, Dude, at least it's an ethos  (blogfordemocracy.org)	(245)
		Atheist group fires its leadership for making them look like bigger douchebags than they really are  (theledger.com)	(313)
		When the Commies are saying your problems are caused by too much Welfare and worker protection, you may want to listen. Meanwhile, Ironic tag flips the bird and leaves the room  (dailymail.co.uk)	(140)
		Eviction from a house, but from a grave? Pushed for space, a Spanish cemetery has begun placing stickers on thousands of burial sites with lapsed leases as a warning to relatives that their ancestors face possible eviction  (eitb.com)	(61)
(WLKY Louisville)		One reason to learn the importance of de-escalating conflict: you never know when the guy you're arguing with might be the type that resolves conflict with a groin stabbing  (wlky.com)	(9)
		Rodney King pleads not guilty in DUI case. "Can't we all just get a Long Island Ice Tea?"  (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(41)
		Lleaderless Lloyd's willl miss target after lloss  (cnbc.com)	(1)
		Kelly Osbourne released from hospital after large head, injury  (news.yahoo.com)	(25)
(Some Guy)		Ozzy Osbourne is leaving cryptic messages that suggest Black Sabbath might reunite for a tour. Then again, pretty much everything Ozzy says sounds cryptic  (heraldsun.com.au)	(27)

(adn.com)		Before you take your computer loaded with child porn to the repair shop, clear the print queue  (adn.com)	(73)
		Japan continues its near-herculean efforts to corner the market on creepy by projecting a human face on the inside of a mask worn by a robot  (physorg.com)	(36)
		Heralding what could be a new unit of measurement for incarceration around the world, Nigerian actor released from prison after 25 successful bowel movements  (iheartchaos.com)	(59)
		Rep Rehberg (R-MT): "I do not agree with that Obama/Gadhaffi cartoon I was waving around" At least not once he was caught doing it  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(48)
		$900 million purchase leads to blow job, Siemens  (bloomberg.com)	(7)
		Commodore 64 released just in time for Christmas. This is not a repeat of 1982  (hothardware.com)	(36)
		Michael Strahan's epic celebration of Eli Manning leading another fourth-quarter comeback against the Patriots  (sportsgrid.com)	(92)
		2:30 AM: Lindsay Lohan released from jail  (tmz.com)	(94)
		Don't cheat, kids. Or at least not until you're older. And become a teacher. And have to cheat in order to keep your job so you can continue to be paid to tell kids to not cheat  (latimes.com)	(110)
		Greatest false start celebration in the history of the National Football League  (youtube.com)	(32)

		Former NBA center Oliver Miller pleads guilty to pistol whipping at a cookout, living large  (azcentral.com)	(12)
		Ron Paul says we should offer friendship to Iran instead of bombing them. Clearly, this is demagoguery of a crazy extreme racist  (washingtonpost.com)	(373)
		Scientists discover genetic proof that beer was invented at least 40,000 years ago  (arstechnica.com)	(40)
		UN atomic agency to reveal proof of Iranian nuclear warhead work. EVERYBODY PANIC IN A STRONGLY WORDED LETTER  (nydailynews.com)	(141)
		White House to UFO buffs: Nothing to see here, move along please  (msnbc.msn.com)	(82)

		Inmate returns after being released early. There. That was easy  (news.com.au)	(33)
		Marvel to finally drag itself into digital age next year, will release most titles online. Excelsior  (ctv.ca)	(34)
		While most countries store their nuclear weapons in a well-fortified bunker, Pakistan stores their nuclear weapons in a van down by the river  (wired.com)	(115)

		VP Biden finally unleashes his secret weapon against terrified Republicans: Trying to be nice  (reuters.com)	(83)
		Ricky Gervais to host the Golden Globes again. It looks like somebody failed to learn a valuable lesson, and it's not Ricky  (showbizspy.com)	(25)
		MSW pretends to be MD for at least eight years, ordering treatments and testifying for a county court the whole time  (detnews.com)	(37)
		Police release graphic, bloody photo of dead teen from before she was attacked  (canada.com)	(92)
		I hate having to be the harbinger of doom, but The Leafs are 1st, with the Oilers in second  (tsn.ca)	(155)
		Big Ben leads parade of NFL players who wear their wedding bands during games because their wives like it  (espn.go.com)	(51)

(Some Overzealous Cleaner)		Cleaning tip: Before cleaning up a puddle on a museum floor, make sure it isn't a $1.1 million art installation   (acn.liveauctioneers.com)	(237)
		"I hear China ALREADY HAS nuclear capability." --Herman Cain  (2012.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(164)
		A new trailer for Underworld: Awakening is out, it's got Kate Beckinsale in tight black leather, so...yeah  (denofgeek.com)	(84)
		Cliff near Wisconsin power plant collapses, depositing frothy slurry of coal ash--a hearty blend of selenium, lead, mercury and arsenic--into the cool blue waters of Lake Michigan. Drink up, folks  (huffingtonpost.com)	(170)
		Hey, wait a minute, this is clearly an iPab  (9news.com)	(65)
		US automakers learned their lesson from 2008 when they were exposed by relying too heavily on truck sales when gas hit $4/gallon. Lesson: The government will save us  (theatlantic.com)	(265)
		Dear Internet, please stop making fun of 24-year-old virgins. Thanks  (sports.nationalpost.com)	(194)
		Warner Bros: "UNLEASH THE THIRD MOVIE"  (hollywoodreporter.com)	(26)
		Justin Beiber on Twitter: "I did not lose my virginity to a random 20-year-old fan and get her pregnant after a 30 second sex romp backstage." Justin Beiber to girl's lawyer: "I plead the fifth"  (mirror.co.uk)	(291)
		"Watchmen" prequel plans will leave you blue in the face  (chud.com)	(75)
		Enjoy all the Champions League goals including the second quickest goal ever, scored after just 12 seconds  (eitb.com)	(8)
		What Occupy Wall Street can learn from The Great Rail Strike of 1877. Hopefully, it involves better grooming and body care  (slate.com)	(48)
		Man leads Canadian cops in five-hour pursuit where "neither the truck driver nor police broke highway speed limits"  (cbc.ca)	(33)

(On The Red Carpet)		Appeals court leaves $550,000 FCC fine tits up in 2004 Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction case  (ontheredcarpet.com)	(42)
		Parents went to their child's school to discuss a fight, wind up getting into a fight (w/mugshot that will leave no doubts in your mind)  (blogs.desmoinesregister.com)	(128)
		Lions fans have suffered enough. Please sign petition to keep Nickelback out of half-time show. PLEASE  (mlive.com)	(52)
		Woman accused of killing pregnant woman, fetus pleads insanity. You would too, if you were kept in solitary for nine months  (foxnews.com)	(66)
		Scarlett Johansson picture hacker pleads not guilty to computer charges, but pleads guilty to charges of being totally awesome  (contactmusic.com)	(40)
		Thought you could go at least one week without a birthday shooting. You thought wrong  (abcactionnews.com)	(9)
(Some Guy)		Guy pleads no contest to drugging, raping, and shaving his drinking buddy's entire body completely hairless. No contest? Isn't that how beer pong is supposed to end?  (wfaa.com)	(94)
		Week 10 in the Premier League: Chelsea v. Arsenal was "an incredible, 90-minute sales pitch on why this can be the most electrifying sport in the world"  (grantland.com)	(24)
		You know how mortgage companies behaved like organized crime outfits? Well it turns out that at least one of them was   (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(33)
(Some Guy)		Inter, Manchester City, Ajax, and Real Madrid are among the sides in action in today's Champions League matches  (uefa.com)	(33)
		Man in superhero costume arrested for motorway incident. Unclear whether it was suicide attempt or Kryptonite-related flight failure  (news.stv.tv)	(5)
		Court ruling confirms that England can leak Assange to Sweden  (washingtonpost.com)	(27)
		Doctors warn that sharing earbud headphones may lead to hearing loss, transmission of bacteria, getting hit by bus  (nzherald.co.nz)	(22)

		Fighting violent gang crime with... math? Clearly, this article is for the lowest common denominator  (sciencedaily.com)	(12)
(Shanghaiist)		Herman Cain: "I hear China is trying to develop nuclear weapons." Possibly because they developed nuclear weapons in 1964. VE  (shanghaiist.com)	(449)
		Learn the Secret, Surefire Way to Get the Phone Numbers of Hot Women You Meet on the Street  (nj.com)	(83)
		Students in Libtard-Land Massachusetts lead US in reading, math. Socialism suspected  (boston.com)	(171)
		Halloween in New Orleans: "Trick or Treat" BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM  (wwl.com)	(170)
		Keep your eye on this kid as he learns he will not be getting a Pokemon  (break.com)	(95)
		Big East to WVU: Hey, don't get too excited, you can't leave for the Big XII until 2014. WVU to Big East: Get farked  (espn.go.com)	(72)
(DCist)		Washington DC bans sales of single beers, leading to the completely unforseeable result that companies attach two cans together  (dcist.com)	(60)
(Some Guy)		AC Milan, Barca, Chelsea, Arsenal, and Porto are among the teams in action in today's Champions League thread  (uefa.com)	(31)
		Study finds trees are not adapting well to climate change. Well, hey, if they don't like it, they can just leaf  (upi.com)	(286)

		With the planet on the brink of global economic disaster, the world's leaders have decided to THIS JUST IN, THE DOG FROM "UP" HAS BEEN SPOTTED ON A SEE-SAW WITH A KID  (filmdrunk.uproxx.com)	(19)
		Eating too much sugar can lead to sagging skin, cancer, the overwhelming urge to shout "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs"  (cleveland.com)	(114)
(Some Guy)		You know the economy is farked when the police say they'll stop responding to 911 calls if town leaders don't provide more gas money  (wtkr.com)	(83)
		The Division leading Leafs jump 7 spots into 5th in this week's power rankings. Yes, you read that correctly  (espn.go.com)	(34)
		NFL cheerleaders are pretty good at the whole Halloween costume thing  (withleather.uproxx.com)	(50)
(Some Guy)		FBI releases videos, papers on Russian spy ring. "Following her return to Russia, she worked as a model and became the celebrity face of a Moscow bank"  (610wiod.com)	(61)
		Leave it to the bloody-minded folks who invented the guillotine to devise the world's sickest house of horror. That it was back in 1947 only adds to the stomach-churning Gallic goodness. Happy Halloween, y'all  (life.com)	(33)
		Step 1: Announce work on a functional cold fusion device. Step 2: Get money from investors. Step 3: Proclaim successful test of the cold fusion device. Step 4: Retire and leave the country before real scientists test it  (forbes.com)	(67)
		Ohio may not seem like a workers' paradise of social justice and equality, but at least they're doing something about the scourge of millionaires. Bonus: You only need to earn a little more than $250,000 to be a One Percenter in Ohio  (daytondailynews.com)	(75)
		Unwilling to let the US maintain a lead in any technology, Russia unveils a drunk, naked driver that can smash up 17 vehicles in downtown Moscow. US feverishly working on 20-car naked drunk driver technology  (af.reuters.com)	(30)
		Please push me down the stairs  (dailymail.co.uk)	(32)
		Kim Kardashian dresses as Poison Ivy for Halloween. That's appropriate, since Kim *can* leave you with a terrible itch  (people.com)	(36)

		A reformed skinhead deals with a particularly painful part of leaving his past behind: getting rid of the racist tattoos all over his body. (Part 2 of a two part article.)  (news.yahoo.com)	(83)
		Paragliders face new threat as eagles have assembled at least one kamikaze squadron  (liveleak.com)	(23)
(Some Guy)		"This is 911, please state your emergency in 140 characters or less"  (chicago.cbslocal.com)	(36)

		10 ways to not being an annoying airplane passenger. Leaving your screaming children at home strangely absent  (foxnews.com)	(390)
		SyFy to develop another of George RR Martin's works, this time the Wild Cards series. Please don't let it suck  (avclub.com)	(81)
(Some Guy)		Scientists track dopamine release in brain at microsecond level to reveal why you chose a hot pocket over ramen noodles even though it burns your mouth like nuclear lava every time  (medicalxpress.com)	(30)

		Sheriff Joe tells lead birther Orly Taitz that he has his own super secret surprise evidence about the Kenyan communist nazi usurper to keep him off the 2012 ballot, but he can't tell anyone just yet because it's a secret. Shhhh  (thinkprogress.org)	(130)
		Plot synopsis for the new Evil Dead movie released, and it's a bold, creative and gutsy story. Just kidding, it's the same damn movie as the first one, only without Bruce Campbell  (iheartchaos.com)	(36)
		EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE *ME,* but Steve Martin is going to release a book of his funniest tweets  (starpulse.com)	(30)
(kctv5.com)		Corn spill closes Interstate. Please use a kernel of caution  (kctv5.com)	(50)
		Burglars break into church, leave a buck  (azcentral.com)	(12)
		Thief steals man's backpack at beach. Man calls cop. The two go off in search of the thief, but the cop leaves his backpack at the scene. Thief steals cop's backpack. Now read this headline again with "Yakity-Sax" in your head  (nwfdailynews.com)	(23)
		High school student crushed after learning he had to do a pull up  (dailymail.co.uk)	(102)
		HP: Hey, you know how we said that we were getting out of the PC business? Yeah, forget we said that, please  (news.cnet.com)	(62)

		If you were going to a Halloween party dressed as a lead pencil, you'll have to think of something else now  (news.com.au)	(34)
		It's bad enough you burglars broke in and stole my stuff, but at least shut the window when you're done so a fox can't sneak in and eat my child  (telegraph.co.uk)	(98)
		Say what you will about Jersey Shore, but at least it inspired Mike Judge to take Beavis and Butt-Head out of moth balls. Heh heh ... balls  (cnn.com)	(129)
		Microsoft clears Czech  (computerworld.com)	(8)
		If you don't want a $44,500 fine, don't leave your car parked illegally for 1,800 years  (consumerist.com)	(77)
		The police would like to remind you that Halloween is coming up and the guns those little kids are carrying just might be toys, so please don't blow them away. Thank you  (wpxi.com)	(74)
(Some Guy)		Well, this graph pretty much blows the whole "iPhones are overpriced crap" statement clear out of the water  (theunderstatement.com)	(265)
		The kennel where two kids were found was actually cleaner than the house. The kids are reportedly healthy, well fed, no worms  (omaha.com)	(34)
		That's at least a one point deduction  (myfoxdc.com)	(20)
		Raccoon cooking leads to meth maker's arrest. Where's the Tennessee tag?  (midtown.wmctv.com)	(39)
		It's that time of year: Leaves changing pretty colors, trick-or-treaters, pumpkin-carving with a drum magazine-fed AK, wait, what?  (youtube.com)	(29)
		If the father of your unborn child crashes into a liquor store while trying to evade police, and runs off leaving you stuck in the car - you may have made some bad life choices  (stuff.co.nz)	(29)

		In honor of Rush releasing their live DVD shot in Cleveland, here's the opening video to the concert, plus 'Tom Sawyer' and all the usual air drumming seen at their shows  (rollingstone.com)	(50)
		Gold prices climb. Please ignore any ecstatic moans and gelatinous sounds emanating from Glenn Beck  (upi.com)	(45)
		For decades, the man's family thought he was one of John Wayne Gacy's victims. Today, the family was saddened to learn that he had actually been living in Florida the whole time  (news.yahoo.com)	(68)
		For leading VW to world's top automaker position, VW board approves Third Peich term  (bloomberg.com)	(17)
(Some Guy)		After robbing the pizza delivery man of his wallet and eating the pizzas, be sure not to leave the box in your car  (610wiod.com)	(37)
		Former UN Weapons inspector is due in court for trying to unleash his weapon of ass destruction on a 15-year-old girl  (msnbc.msn.com)	(145)
		Store sends autistic girl a $25 gift certificate to apologize for asking her to leave because of her service dog. Guess what happened when she went back to use it  (cbc.ca)	(213)
		English woman pleads guilty to biting partner's scrotum. Boyfriend still feeling a little teste  (news.com.au)	(42)
		Robot learns to ride bike, will find Sarah Connor faster  (liveleak.com)	(12)
(Asahi)		Hackers finally look at non-US defense contractors, stealing plans for fighter planes, tentacle beasts and nuclear plants from Mitsubishi  (ajw.asahi.com)	(19)
		So, the top ten baby names right now include Atticus and Katniss. To Kill a Mockingbird and The Hunger Games. At least people are using books  (huffingtonpost.com)	(220)
(Windsor Star)		Not news: Car dealership offers $10,000 toward the sale or lease of a car for whoever hits a hole-in-one during local golf tournament. Fark: A 13-year-old does it  (windsorstar.com)	(19)

		Learning how to use a new gun can be hazardous, especially if you accidentally discharge it through your floor, rupturing a gas line that blows your house to smithereens hours later  (helenair.com)	(88)
		New GOP sponsored bill could lead to the end of Twitter and YouTube. So it's like, half-bad  (dailykos.com)	(143)
		Tucker Carlson, who once said he'd "be cheering when (Jack) Abramoff and company were sent to prison," is hosting the book party for the release of Abramoff's memoir   (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(63)
		Kirk Cameron's sad birthday party photo was misleading because there was a huge crowd of friends standing behind the camera. They do exist; you can't see them but their presence is very real. Why can't you just take it on faith?  (news.yahoo.com)	(131)
		CDC may push HPV vaccine for boys. This will clearly make whores of them  (gma.yahoo.com)	(137)
		On the bright side, at least 4 out of 12 gun smugglers are NOT New York City police officers  (nypost.com)	(35)
		"The Idea House is an environmentally perfect house that leaves no carbon footprint. It generates more energy that it uses, which means that it is more than a carbon-zero house. It is a carbon-minus house"  (cnngo.com)	(80)
		Twenty films you probably didn't know were being remade - because Hollywood just can't leave well enough alone (bonus: not a slideshow)  (shortlist.com)	(202)
		America's last B53 -- a nuclear bomb the size of a mini-van with 600 times the power of the bomb used at Hiroshima -- is being disassembled today. So long, 10,000-pound-deathbringer. We hardly knew you  (usatoday.com)	(206)

		If you were wondering just whose jobs the GOP is worried about, here's the head of the GOP Job Creators caucus leaving his own job fair early to go to a campaign fundraiser   (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(66)
		WHO will have the 3-2 series lead going back to St. Louis? CAN C.J. Wilson follow Holland and blank the Cardinals again tonight? WILL Joe Buck do COCAIIIIIIIINE on air? THIS is YOUR 2011 World Series: Game 5 Discussion Thread. (8 ET on FOX)  (espn.go.com)	(862)
		WikiLeaks suspends publishing to focus on fundraising, according to this leaked report  (theatlanticwire.com)	(25)
(Belleville News Democrat)		Truck crash in Utah releases a) b), and c) 25 million others like it  (bnd.com)	(85)
		A moment of respectful silence for Pfizer, please, whose patent on Lipitor is about to expire  (npr.org)	(139)
		Clearly this guy is a Totalfarker. Cheers  (liveleak.com)	(44)
		You're sailing down the Amazon and come in contact with members of a tribe that have never seen modern people. Do you: A) Approach? B) Back off? C) Leave food? D) HOLY CRAP, THEY'RE SHOOTING ARROWS AT US  (mnn.com)	(165)
(Some Guy)		PhD student at University of Illinois makes major leap in weapons research. For Iran  (kevinkarsch.com)	(14)
(Some Guy)		Social worker who risked his life trying to save three developmentally disabled adults from the Joplin tornado is denied workers' comp and must pay at least $2.5 million in medical fees. "Heroism doesn't pay the bills"  (syracuse.com)	(150)
		The New Orleans Saints score 62 points in thrashing the hapless Indianapolis Colts. The St. Louis Rams have scored 56 points total this season. Next week, the Saints play the Rams. That's the joke  (sports.espn.go.com)	(150)

		"The transitional government leader Mustafa Abdul-Jalil set out a vision for the post-Qaddafi future with an Islamist tint, saying that Islamic Sharia law would be the "basic source" of legislation in the country"  (foxnews.com)	(232)
		Congress extends assistance to the beleaguered wealthy of America, again. This time, it's for the mortgages of their mansions  (theatlantic.com)	(80)
		Eat Vegan to be ethical? well guess how many creatures were killed in the making of your arugala salad.... at least 2 vertebrate per square inch, on a conservative estimate. NO MORE BLOOD FOR VEGGIES  (pajamasmedia.com)	(343)
(Some Guy)		Michele Bachmann: "We have nothing to show for our time in Iraq", thus propelling her to the lead for the 2004 Democratic nomination   (campaign2012.washingtonexaminer.com)	(124)
		Smoke dope, take off your clothes, run into a random house, jump into bed with a six year old girl. Shelbyville teenager learns that one of these things is not like the others  (azcentral.com)	(94)
		Rhode Island leads the nation in suicide attempts, but not deaths. In typical Rhode Island fashion, always good at getting things started, but always falling short on completion  (sfgate.com)	(40)

(Suddeutsche Zeitung)		"Existential anxiety" leads priest to skim from collection plate for 40 years, amassing a 1 million euros hoard. Fark: He never spent a cent of it  (worldcrunch.com)	(94)
		Frank Oz unhappy with new Muppets movie. Hate leads to suffering  (avclub.com)	(76)
		Purchasing MySpace was a "huge mistake" according to Rupert Murdoch, who released the announcement on a page with epilepsy-inducing animated graphics and obnoxious music that automatically starts  (physorg.com)	(45)

		Cantor cancels his income inequality speech after learning the venue is open to the public  (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(71)
		Kim Kardashian thought that marriage was a magic wand that would "fix" Kris Humphries. And now, if you'll please be quiet, Kim really wants to understand this episode of "Sesame Street"  (celebitchy.com)	(84)
		News: Guy dresses up like a ref and rushes the field at UCLA-Arizona game. Fark: Then he begins streaking. TotalFark: All of the confusion causes a bench-clearing brawl (w/ video)  (gawker.com)	(44)
(Some Reality TV Mutants)		Rob Kardashian on Obama's dismissal of his show: "You really learn a lot from our show"  (digitalspy.com)	(34)
		DNA Clearinghouse receives giant novelty check for $6.5 million, 14 years of unwanted magazine subscriptions  (physorg.com)	(4)
(Some Guy)		Lingerie Football League wants to start a youth league. In other news, Chris Hansen just had an aneurysm  (king5.com)	(69)
		On October 20th, the Leafs started blowing in Boston  (scores.espn.go.com)	(26)
(WXII)		Daughter to undergo transplant of Mom's uterus, leading to significant womb for speculation  (wxii12.com)	(74)
(972)		"Israeli activists and commentators got tired very quickly of Netanyahu pushing himself into every scene with released soldier Gilad Shalit," so, naturally, they went straight to photoshop  (972mag.com)	(22)
		Steve Jobs was ready for "thermonuclear war" with Google. A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?  (gizmodo.com)	(161)

(Some Guy)		Advertising your home narcotics business by putting up fliers around the neighborhood that say, "Heroin for Sale" with your name and address can lead to arrest. Who knew?  (kgw.com)	(40)
		The SSA has released the official statistic of the median American wage in 2010: $26,363.55  (washingtonpost.com)	(265)
		Sheriff learns that Twitter's 140-character limit just isn't e  (networkworld.com)	(20)
		After Maroon 5 Lead Singer tweets butthurt over Fox News using his songs for bumper music, hosts of FNC's Red Eye remind him how ASCAP/BMI & flamewars work  (billboard.com)	(67)
(Some Guy)		Yet more evidence that Republicans only pay attention to the last five words their leaders say  (colbertnation.com)	(48)
		Hate the referee at NFL games, here's a list of the top whistle blowers in the league  (espn.go.com)	(36)
		Carpenter is workmanlike against Rangers, hammers Texas in opener to give St. Louis a 1-0 lead in World Series  (sports.yahoo.com)	(43)
		Joe Biden uses sexual, violent imagery to push Jobs Bill. At least it's not getting rammed down Americans' throats  (foxnews.com)	(91)

		ATTENTION FARK KNITTERS: A bunch of penguins in New Zealand urgently need you to knit them tiny little sweaters. Their life pretty much depends on it. Please help  (gothamist.com)	(156)
		Hypothetically speaking, could you stomach a 2,600 point drop in the Dow? Now, settle down, this is just hypothetWOULD YOU STOP PANICKING, PLEASE?  (blogs.marketwatch.com)	(63)
(Some Guy)		Dear Customer, Thank you for quietly notifying us of a glaring security flaw in our website. Please accept this complimentary gift basket containing a police visit, blame for the issue, a bill for fixing it and termination of your account  (techdirt.com)	(86)
		AC Milan v. BATE, Chelsea v. Genk, Olympiakos v. Dortmund, Barcelona v. Viktoria Plzen, Marseille v. Arsenal, and some other games. It's your special midweek Champions League thread  (soccernet.espn.go.com)	(23)
(Some Guy)		The 2012 RNC logo has been released and it featues the elephant - the proud and strong symbol of the Republican Party. Christie still insists he's not running  (933flz.com)	(111)
		Paris Jackson joined the flag football team at her private school, and has already received a bonafide recruitment letter from the Lingerie Football League. Seriously  (bittenandbound.com)	(47)
		Personal trainer sits for six months in fattie's ass groove on the couch to learn what it is like to be unhealthy  (shine.yahoo.com)	(187)
		Disneyland objects after environmental groups complain that Excalibur contains too much lead. Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you  (orlandosentinel.com)	(72)
		Want your mind blown? Watch Hugh Laurie and Tom Jones get smooth on "Baby Please Make A Change"  (youtube.com)	(20)
(Some Guy)		What actress said this?: "I had to eat a lot of pasta and get cinched really tightly into the corset to get the effect and let the girls do the acting for me." Of course, think new releases  (tgdaily.com)	(124)

		Man suffers from rare condition where he has sex without waking up, leading to wife giving birth to a little nightmare  (thesun.co.uk)	(86)
		While lawmakers in the US hem and haw over a few billion dollars, European leaders have agreed to a two-trillion euro rescue fund. Go big or go home, indeed  (thedailybeast.com)	(108)
		Dear US Govt: sorry we defrauded you out of billions in mortgage insurance, can we have another bailout please? Signed, Bank of America  (finance.yahoo.com)	(74)
		Zombie injuries not life threatening, seamen leaving ferries in Greek ports, and an explanation of Herman Cain's pro-llama agenda: some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 10/9 - 10/15  (fark.com)	(4)
		The 60's generation, who tend to have high-paying, generally pleasant jobs featuring excellent benefits and flexible schedules, don't get why these kids are protesting when there aren't even any kind of endangered owls on Wall Street  (thedailybeast.com)	(256)
		Ron Paul releases his own budget plan: trim a trillion dollars his first year in office, end the departments of everything, end foreign wars, kill social security, let States decide everything. RON PAUL  (npr.org)	(266)
		Man invents cone-shaped pizza for those rare times you have to leave your mom's basement, at least you can still eat pizza  (lifehacker.com)	(62)
		The Bears, who have been dragging their feet about resigning Matt Forte, may want to move quickly, as at least two teams have expressed an interest in him. But that would require a Chicago sports team to be smart, which is impossible  (chicagotribune.com)	(71)
		Man City v Villarreal, Lille v Inter, Napoli v Bayern, Real v Lyon, Marseille v Arsenal and more. Your Champions League matchday 3 is here  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(24)
		In interest of not being labelled interfering, Occupy Cincinnati protesters clear park for wedding party to take photos. Cool: Wedding party invites protesters back to be in the photos  (huffingtonpost.com)	(43)
		Francis, no. Stop it. Please... just... no, no. FRANCIS YOU'RE MAKING ME PEE  (youtube.com)	(57)

(Some Retronaut)		Photos of young world leaders. Supply your own jokes, but I've got dibs on 'Ahmadinajad looks fabulous.'  (howtobearetronaut.com)	(59)
		Unnamed Premier League club has performed DNA tests on its soccer players to differentiate between the ones that will merely be blown over by a stiff breeze and the ones that will subsequently break an ankle when they land  (soccernet.espn.go.com)	(56)
		Sue Menger, Hollywood super-agent, dead at 79. How she cleaned up her office after The Aristocrats audition, I'll never know  (latimesblogs.latimes.com)	(13)
		BP gets $4 billion from Anadarko for spill, still waiting for the check from DonnieDarko to clear  (cnbc.com)	(8)
		Welcome to the hotel Providence Renaissance. You can checkout any time you like, but you can never leave. Unless you have a 19-piece carnival band with you  (shortlist.com)	(16)
		It's all fun, democratic and protesty until your flea bagger leftist Occupy Portland movement yells "F*@$ THE USA"  (youtube.com)	(507)

(Some Guy)		UFL joins XFL, USFL as football leagues that are SOL  (wtkr.com)	(39)
		Barber shaves "FOOL" into hair of man with severe learning disabilities. I pity him  (thesun.co.uk)	(91)
		Illinois is the worst state in the country when it comes to paying bills. I guess you could say that it's leaving everyone ill, annoyed  (wlsam.com)	(25)
		Conservative computer security expert hacks 'Occupy Wall Street' e-mail access, gives internal information to FBI and NYPD, leaks emails to Andrew Breitbart. Enjoy the wrath of Anonymous, douchebag  (gawker.com)	(1056)
		Still no cure for cancer, but at least the American Cancer Society is refusing a half million dollar donation from atheists  (examiner.com)	(335)
		Hippie with Ph.D. figures out how that if you make $240 worth of modifications to the power chord that comes with the Nissan Leaf, you can save yourself from having to buy the $6,000 240-volt fast charge station. Tag is for Nissan  (nytimes.com)	(149)
		Released after 26 years for a murder he did not commit, man turns to life of violence  (bbc.co.uk)	(26)
(News-Journal)		Difference between cleaning the dishes & cleaning your gun: if you screw up while cleaning the dishes it's unlikely your mom's going to the hospital  (news-journalonline.com)	(45)
		London Philharmonic follows the money, releasing album of greatest video game music  (huffingtonpost.com)	(103)

(Regina Leader Post)

Regina Leader Post decides that no article about the Boston Red Sox failure is complete without an epic FARK headline (3rd paragraph)  (leaderpost.com)

(1)

		"The aforementioned feedback was loud and clear on many movie-following websites, including Ain't It Cool News, SlashFilm, Fark." Wait ...what?  (webpronews.com)	(10)
(KRIS)		Texas HS suspends male cheerleader and kicks him off the squad, because he was seen on CCTV kissing another boy  (kristv.com)	(141)
		Two beertown ballteams at lagerheads again - Milwaukee at St. Louis in Game 5. Trouble starts brewin' on TBS, 8:05pm ET. This ain't busch league so don't miller round, you're wiser 'n that, Bud. Pilsner  (espn.go.com)	(464)
		Seamen leaving ferries in Greek ports  (news.yahoo.com)	(33)
		The good news is OWS has finally found a spokesperson with an eloquent, clearly defined message... The bad news is he's dead  (dailykos.com)	(366)
		While removing your bra may get you out of speeding ticket, it generally won't work in getting your DUI charges dropped. But please, don't let that discourage you. EIP  (torontosun.com)	(276)
		Top universities in India no longer have space for kids with grades below 94%, forcing them to accept scholarships from Ivy-league schools. Poor dears  (nytimes.com)	(135)

		Opposing school board candidates learn that models in stock photos are duplicitous, two-faced mercenary biatches  (washingtonpost.com)	(33)
		Six-year old on school bus complains she isn't feeling well, so bus driver does the only rational thing, and leaves her at a stranger's house. The lesson here? Give your kid a stupid name, stupid things will happen to them  (winnipeg.ctv.ca)	(126)
		Network World picks up a lead FBI story from FARK: "a social-bookmarking site that specializes and delights in skewering the stupid" (3rd paragraph)  (networkworld.com)	(7)
		That nice gesture by the Mayor and NYC to clean up the OWS Zuccotti Park on Friday. Yeah, about that  (nypost.com)	(428)
		"Captain, Captain, The ship is sinking, what do we do?" "Quickly men, tie more heavy lead weights to the hull"  (reuters.com)	(32)
		What's creepier than an augmented, skin-bleached Filipino who thinks he is Superman and hangs out with kids all day? Not much. (w/ video)  (myfoxdc.com)	(46)
(Some Guy)		61% of websites leak your personal information without telling you. Others charge you 5 bucks per month  (610wiod.com)	(18)
(Topless Robot)		Ten incredibly awful products Apple released on Steve Jobs's watch  (toplessrobot.com)	(95)
(Some Guy)		NYC Mayor Bloomberg to bring in the water cannons to crush the Occupy Wall Street protesters from Zuccotti Park. Just kidding, but they do need to bring in the power washers to clean the park on Friday. So please let them, then you can go back  (capitalnewyork.com)	(68)
(daily gleaner)		The Daily Gleaner (Canada) loves FARK's hilarious baseball auction headline (5th section)   (dailygleaner.canadaeast.com)	(0)
		Argument over barbecue ribs leads to an arrest for destruction of property, assault.Oh, Flor--wait, Iowa? Really?  (press-citizen.com)	(56)

		Professor uses chocolate to teach calculus. Can we learn about the value of pie while we're at it?  (boingboing.net)	(42)
(Some Guy)		Mother/daughter team rob bank, get caught, require eye bleach  (thebigdc.com)	(32)
		A preview of James Cameron's "Titanic" 3D re-release. SPOILER ALERT: The ship sinks  (comingsoon.net)	(96)
		Incredible sex can wipe memory clean. Which explains why subby's wife remembers EVERYTHING  (livescience.com)	(115)
		White House Chief of Staff Bill Daley will leave his position after the President's re-election. Does he know something we don't know?  (washingtontimes.com)	(37)
		Won't SOMEBODY please think of the poor starving European bankers and their insanely inflated bonuses?  (bloomberg.com)	(6)
		Richard Dawkins: "The country club canceled my appearance after learning I was an atheist." Way to do your research  (freep.com)	(370)
		Israel, Hamas agree on Shalit release, concluding longest Middle Eastern bazaar haggling session on record  (abc.net.au)	(60)
		Liar liar extinguishes pants on fire, pleads guilty  (content.usatoday.com)	(6)
		It's been a year since the whole world was focused on the trapped Chilean miners. So, what have they been up to?  (nytimes.com)	(29)
		How to clean an oil-slicked penguin. No, that is not a euphemism  (bbc.co.uk)	(11)