Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		C-Span releases full 23 years of archives, that's enough vid....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  (nytimes.com)	(18)
(Courthouse News)		Court rules that an ad depicting giant lawyers with superhuman speed who regularly defend space aliens is not likely to mislead consumers  (courthousenews.com)	(31)
		Amanda Seyfried'S new love scenes with Julianne Moore for the win: "My mom can see whatever she pleases, but I actually gave strict rules to my father to not come"  (starpulse.com)	(52)
		The trail of bacteria you leave behind can finger you for a crime  (npr.org)	(10)
		Tea party leader admits that the Tea Party is over. Beer party sign up booth to the left  (huffingtonpost.com)	(185)
		When the Mayans envisioned the world coming to an end in 2012, they didn't count junk bonds among the perils that would lead to worldwide disaster. Maybe they should have  (nytimes.com)	(23)
		After birthday party, parents accidentally leave the birthday boy behind at the restaurant. Realizing their mistake after getting home, they frantically look for him 36 hours later  (detnews.com)	(161)
		Thanks to the crystal-clear sound of its PA system, the Port Authority will always have the citizens of Brooklyn prepared in the event of a zzb frzzkd sxpldts  (cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com)	(46)
		Soldier wounded by RPG learns to lick his blindness  (guardian.co.uk)	(78)
		Ronnie James Dio winning cancer battle after meeting it face to face and slicing it clean in two with his broadsword  (contactmusic.com)	(78)
		"Female driver rolls car after leaving bar, gets DUI" says headline with five extra words  (helenair.com)	(71)
(Ireland OnLine)		It is a forward, assertive vintage, with dominant notes of oak, dark currant and tooth shards, the perfect bottle for rousing your sleeping brother who refuses to leave your easy chair  (breakingnews.iol.ie)	(20)
		The Good News: Spencer Pratt is leaving TV. The Bad News: Him and his flesh colored beard are going to be snooping your proxies  (cnn.com)	(47)

(Some Guy)		You can't find your wife at a theme park. Do you: a) call her cell phone, b) ask for help, or c) leave your four-month-old baby in the bushes and walk around for an hour?  (970wfla.com)	(49)
		While you weren't paying attention, the EPA reported the air is getting cleaner  (hotair.com)	(52)
		Police are investigating the death of a woman found at the base of a nine-story parking deck, gravity seen leaving the area at a high rate of speed  (ajc.com)	(101)
(Some Guy)		Judge is displeased with the conditions of prisoners' holding cells so he: a) holds the jailer in contempt of court b) issues an injunction c) scrubs the cells and cleans the toilets himself  (thenational.com.pg)	(58)
(WWL)		The City of New Orleans encourages tourists to take pictures of police officers in action. Just kidding, they'll haul your ass to jail for that  (wwl.com)	(91)
		Legalizing gay marriage will lead to [spin wheel]: men marrying horses. Silly Republican -- Prince Charles and Matthew Broderick already did that  (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(94)
		Alan Grayson on Palin: She's the most intelligent leader the GOP has produced since George W. Bush  (dailykos.com)	(192)
		It's beginning to look like Mike Leach was swiftboated by Craig James for not playing his precious snowflake more  (sportsbybrooks.com)	(77)
(Some Guy)		For 50 years we've been trying to help ET phone home. Researchers now considering leaving a voicemail  (failuremag.com)	(16)
		The secret to why Indian food is so delicious is finally revealed: it's the aromatic, subtle undertones of lead  (abcnews.go.com)	(162)
		"Avatar" to be re-released this fall, because seeing it twenty times already just isn't enough  (hollyscoop.com)	(85)

		Emergence of the "Tea Party" dismays evangelical leaders who say whipping gullible, none-too-bright fanatics into a frenzy over non-existent problems is THEIR job  (news.yahoo.com)	(169)
		Sisters' argument leads to hair pulling. It's not news, it's ... no really, it's not news  (nwfdailynews.com)	(34)
		The state that brought you to your knees as the leader in rigged homeowner loans and appraisals is riding high on the next wave of global Ponzi goodness: homeowners and hurricane insurance  (heraldtribune.com)	(40)
(AFA)		American Family Association: "Part of being an adult is learning to tolerate speech you don't like." Super Bowl Nipple unavailable for comment  (onenewsnow.com)	(99)
(Florida Today)		Church has twice-monthly services in a pub, leading to the question: WWJDrink?  (floridatoday.com)	(93)
		Did the CIA test LSD in the New York City subway system? "The experiment was pretty shocking - shocking that the CIA and the Army would release LSD like that, among innocent unwitting folks"  (nypost.com)	(78)
		Apple COO gets $22 million bonus for doing Jobs' job better then Jobs, and without a turtleneck or that unpleasant douchiness  (macworld.com)	(50)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this clearcut on wheels  (home.comcast.net)	(23)
		Washington defeats conference leading Cal to join USC as the only two Pac-10 basketball teams with undefeated post-season records  (sports.espn.go.com)	(10)

		NJ town wants Mystery Knitter to apply for permit, clearly infringing on her constitutional right to keep and bear yarn  (nj.com)	(43)
		Puma Man might fly like a moron, but he sure made for one funny episode of MST3K. Did we mention Donald Pleasance hams it up as the villain?  (video.google.com)	(38)
		Victoria Jackson provides thoughtful insight into gun control. Just kidding, she says she was accosted outside a nightclub and wished she had a gun so she could blow her attacker's brains out. Because clearly, guns solve all problems  (bighollywood.breitbart.com)	(207)
(Some Peacock)		NBC approaches Fox about picking up 24, because it's clear NBC is RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS  (digitalspy.com)	(29)
(Some Guy)		Bill O'Reilly runs Tom Hanks through the cleaners  (theatlanticwire.com)	(167)

		Utah House leader admits to naked hot-tubbing with a 15-year old girl. Was that wrong? Should he not have done that?  (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(227)
		Since Ari Fleischer is helping out Tiger Woods get his tarnished image cleaned up again, let's take a look at some of the other Bush Administration flacks and what they're up to now  (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(31)
		A look into the life of a Comcast Customer Service Representatitve. Leave your conscience and soul at the door  (consumerist.com)	(87)
		The polls are clear: Pass health care reform and the Democrats will be whacked this fall. "Wishing, praying or pretending will not change these outcomes"  (washingtonpost.com)	(432)
		Blast in Lahore takes at least 39 lives, costs extra  (msnbc.msn.com)	(45)
(Some Guy)		Photoshop this over-enthusiastic cheerleader  (playballphotos.com)	(62)
		Thought Avatar wasn't long enough or boring enough? James Cameron is going to re-release an extended version in theaters. Oh, and he's gonna release Titanic again. In 3D  (slashfilm.com)	(96)

		Who needs the Ivy League? At the University of Wyoming you can get a PhD in Donkey Kong  (csmonitor.com)	(44)
		Speaking of health care, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's wife and daughter seriously injured in car accident  (myfoxdc.com)	(309)
		Tattoos give you super powers. At least that's what they believe in Thailand. And Angelina Jolie's house  (edition.cnn.com)	(111)
		Wall Street sequel delayed until September, the month where new releases go to die  (contactmusic.com)	(20)
		Test car with a new kind of fuel injection system gets much better gas mileage than hybrid cars of the same weight  (gammasquad.uproxx.com)	(82)
		Whoever said, "There's no harm in asking," clearly never submitted a request under the Indian government's Right to Information Act  (csmonitor.com)	(49)
		Papaya leaf extract is effective in fighting a broad range of cancers, says the skinny hippy running your local Vitamin World. Oh, and a team of scientists who just conducted a rigorous scientific study of it  (news.yahoo.com)	(33)
		Democrats already vying to be Senate majority leader next term to replace Harry Reid, who has combined the excitement of vanilla pudding with the legislative effectiveness of, well, vanilla pudding    (time.com)	(76)
		Chris Evans and the Tron guy are now the frontrunners to portray Captain America. Well, at least we know Tron guy has a big package  (io9.com)	(36)
		Snow Patrol's lead singer has had a dislocated jaw for the last eight years and is just now finding out about it. That explains a lot, actually  (contactmusic.com)	(4)
		Fake dentist arrested for giving patient lead fillings  (foxnews.com)	(37)
(Some Bunny)		Musical on the life and times of Anna Nicole Smith will premiere in 2011. Producers anticipate it will take at least nine months to find the right woman who is fat, desperate, and coked out of her mind  (digitalspy.com)	(24)
		CEOs leaving their jobs rose 48% in February. You don't suppose they know something we don't?  (money.cnn.com)	(49)

		Man strangles his girlfriend to death and then tries to kill himself by drinking bleach and slashing his wrists. Of course, he went across the street and not down the block  (press-citizen.com)	(85)
		Old and busted: Obama is an elitist who went to Ivy League school. New hotness: Isn't there one mainstream journalist who finds it odd that, quite literally, nobody recalls going to Columbia University with Barack Obama?  (wnd.com)	(358)
		Illini coach wants more leadership by players, says "we go as [leading scorer] Demetri goes"  (670thescore.com)	(15)
		LearJet-sized raptors, giant sea scorpions, and other giant animals we can thank Darwin are extinct  (cracked.com)	(59)
		You can probably still buy a $40 cup of coffee, but at least now it will be marked as such on the menu  (nytimes.com)	(51)
		If your car breaks down and needs to be towed, it'd be nice if the recovery firm manages to at least get it out of the parking lot without incident  (youtube.com)	(15)
		Texas trial judge who declared death penalty unconstitutional: "Um...Please allow myself to overturn...myself"  (blogs.wsj.com)	(86)
		That unusually brusque press release issued by the L.A. Clippers upon firing Mike Dunleavy was meant to "comfort unhappy fans." Bonus - writer actually uses the term "Clipper Nation"  (sports.espn.go.com)	(15)
		Simple Minds rocker Jim Kerr is leaving the band to pursue a solo career. In other news, Simple Minds was still together until very recently  (contactmusic.com)	(18)
		Former Conservative MP Rahim Jaffer pleads guilty to dangerous driving charges in exchange for cocaine possession and drunk driving charges being withdrawn. I think we know how he'll be celebrating  (edmontonsun.com)	(24)
		Christopher Nolan talks "Man of Steel," "Batman 3" and shoots down some Justice League rumors  (cinematical.com)	(55)
		Los Angeles Clippers fire Mike Dunleavy as GM less than a month after he resigned as head coach. Bill Simmons shows the world his O face  (nbcsports.msnbc.com)	(14)

		Cherish that marlin, for it may be your last: Obama administration is no fan of recreational sport fishing or the clearly unenlightened brutes who engage in it  (sports.espn.go.com)	(69)
		Reason #1 to pass health care reform: Rush Limbaugh promises to leave the country if it does  (thinkprogress.org)	(281)
(NME)		Lady Gaga's upcoming concert to be in 3D. Please, don't po-po-poke my face with that thing  (nme.com)	(22)
		Obama: It would be ironic if the healthcare debate and my cholesterol took me to the grave. Fox News: MOAR PLEASE  (dailykos.com)	(155)
		Window cleaner commits suicide by stabbing himself in the groin repeatedly with a jumbo souvenir pencil. "If you were choosing to take your own life, that's not the way you would do it"  (mirror.co.uk)	(111)
		"American tradition of zealous representation of unpopular clients is at least as old as John Adams' representation of the British soldiers charged in the Boston Massacre"  (washingtonpost.com)	(91)
		Arsenal, Fiorentina and Real Madrid all have home games to overturn a one goal deficit, and Beckham returns to Old Trafford. Here is your latest Champions League discussion thread  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(159)

(Prefix Mag)		The Melvins to release new album and go on tour, which is excting news for the dozens of fans still listening to grunge    (prefixmag.com)	(48)
		Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-awhide) breaks down and cries about health care like the little girl he is: "Please, don't do this -- just, please"  (abcnews.go.com)	(251)
(Some Cheap Whores)		Because scientists don't want to unleash a strain of Super AIDS, Britney Spears cannot have contact with Lindsay Lohan  (digitalspy.co.uk)	(25)
(fox chicago)		News: Girl sick for two years from wearing improperly made eyeglasses. Fark: The eyeglass place apologized and offered her a $5 bottle of lens cleaner  (myfoxchicago.com)	(186)
		Robert Pattinson: "I took my mother to the 'Twilight' premiere and squirmed through the first ten minutes. But in the end I couldn't bear it, so I had to leave and went out and sat in the car."  (contactmusic.com)	(54)
		Remember the "Family Values" Republican who got arrested drunk driving outside of a gay club? Well it turns out he IS gay, but that's not your business, so please don't ask him about it  (sfgate.com)	(206)
		President Obama doesn't seem to have any close friends among foreign leaders. He does have a girlfriend who's a model in Canada, but you wouldn't know her  (americanthinker.com)	(121)
		Rep. Eric Massa (D-eh Ghey) says that Democratic leaders are forcing him out of office so they can pass ObamaCare  (healthcare.nationalreview.com)	(200)
		Slow learner gets third drug bust on way home from prison for his second drug bust  (indystar.com)	(51)
		Lead singer for the Fun Lovin' Criminals tries to restart his feud with Blur's Damon Albarn. I'm sure Albarn will take the high road, as people still listen to Blur and not a group whose claim to fame is a single about John Gotti  (contactmusic.com)	(30)
		God rolls die, shakes Turkey this time; at least 41 dead  (news.yahoo.com)	(200)

		Not news: "Alice in Wonderland" #1 at the box office. News: "Avatar" is still #5, despite being contractually knocked out of most 3-D theaters by "Alice's" release  (hollywoodreporter.com)	(26)
		Sandra Bullock's Razzie Award acceptance speech is better than two of the movies she released in the last year  (youtube.com)	(15)
		"Your honor, that man is a monster. He assaulted that poor little snowflake." "I call BS, the kid is a brat. Charges dismissed and will the deputy please escort said brat to the slammer."  (nzherald.co.nz)	(159)
		Finally, John Carpenter's 1979 three hour epic "Elvis," starring Snake Plissken, will finally be released on DVD  (slashfilm.com)	(19)
		Achievement Unlocked: Leaving your infant daughter to die of neglect because you're too busy raising a virtual child online. Bonus: Both parents arrested and charged  (videogames.yahoo.com)	(177)

		Over 90% of contractors have failed to take EPA-mandated course in how to make home renovations more expensive by doing unnecessary lead mitigation  (boston.com)	(25)
(NME)		The Roots say their new album will be out June 8th. There goes our hope that playing as the house band for Jimmy Fallon would keep them too busy to release another horrid album  (nme.com)	(37)
(Some Guy)		Glee: guest starring Neil Patrick Harris and directed by Joss Whedon. Well, at least one episode won't suck  (tvovermind.com)	(45)

		Public Image Ltd to tour US for first time in 18 years. Anger is an energy, or at least a good cash cow  (starpulse.com)	(27)
		"Expunge straight women from the military and you've cleansed the force of the toxic effect they have on esprit de corps, and on rates of illegitimacy and welfarism."  (wnd.com)	(115)
		News: One man shot in shoulder by another man. News+: After "ramming each other like bumper cars" in road rage. Fark: "It is unclear at this time which driver was shot" according to the Police Detectives  (firstcoastnews.com)	(21)
		If you're a landlord and you want to order the intentional torching of your building, the least you can do is make sure that the family of seven up in the attic isn't home at the time  (chicagobreakingnews.com)	(52)
		Stan Lee pleads his case for winning an Oscar for Best Cameo Artist  (funnyordie.com)	(70)
		Taylor Swift says she is "not done" writing songs about her heartbreak over Joe Jonas. Which means we have at least one more album full of mediocre teenage angst pop songs to look forward to  (contactmusic.com)	(34)
(Some Guy)		And the nerds will look up and shout "Please don't try to make a Watchmen sequel," and Hollywood will whisper, "No"    (ijustwanttofitin.com)	(174)
		Armed robbers in $1 million perfume warehouse heist who shouted "NYPD, hands up" may be criminals, but at least they're not liars  (nj.com)	(43)
		Gogo Yubari released her first CD in Japan this week, which is impressive considering the condition Beatrix Kiddo left her in  (kotaku.com)	(30)
(Some Lola)		There will be a "new" Kinks release this year, and it will feature previously unreleased songs, according to the Kinks' longtime drummer, Mick Avory  (spinner.com)	(23)
		In a technological leap forward, African countries are now using the latest in 19th century land mine clearing advancements  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(29)
(Some Guy)		The average person has about 170 different species of bacteria in his digestive tract. At least you know you won't die alone  (mnn.com)	(68)
(Some Pretender)		Jackson Browne will release a new live album this May, says it will be just like the old days. I guess that means we can look forward to him beating Daryl Hannah again  (spinner.com)	(19)

(Some Guy)		Karl Rove contends President Bush didn't knowingly mislead the nation into the Iraq war  (motherjones.com)	(202)
		Scientists designing a new robotic helicopter that will fly into nuclear disaster zones, take pictures and readings, be irradiated, become sentient, search for Sarah Connor, and wipe out mankind  (labspaces.net)	(14)
		List counts down TV's sexiest moms. And just to be clear up front so nobody gets pissed off, technically Mrs. Garrett was not a "mom" so you won't find her on this list. Thanks  (wgal.com)	(112)
		In a poll to determine who in the Republican primary will run against Alan Grayson (D-FL), the leader by a wide margin is Alan Grayson (D-FL)  (huffingtonpost.com)	(69)
		EMI will release "banned" Danger Mouse album featuring David Lynch, the Flaming Lips, Iggy Pop, and a whole bunch of other people who are no longer cool now that their name is on the BBC  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(22)
		Georgetown's Austin Freeman has diabetes. Of course he does. Look at him. A fat tub, never exercises. When will Americans learn?  (abcnews.go.com)	(40)
(Some Emo Band)		Drummer for My Chemical Romance leaves band, will be replaced by a drummer indistinguishable from himself. Their emo fanbase expected to wear a darker shade of eyeliner in mourning  (nme.com)	(22)
		Popular Science releases its archives. 137 years worth. Online. Searchable. For free  (popsci.com)	(147)
		Don't panic but Three Mile Island is, um, leaking  (pennlive.com)	(280)
		GOES-P weather satellite scheduled to launch at 6:17 EDT, unless there's a leak in the rocket, which would piss me off    (nasa.gov)	(46)
		Company releases USB stick guaranteed to melt the first time any of you insert it into your computer  (gizmodo.com)	(67)
		To celebrate her birthday, schoolgirl planned to give away lead party favors to 29 of her classmates  (stltoday.com)	(171)
(Spinner)		Hole releases their new single, "Skinny Little Biatch," because "Fortyish Crack Whore" doesn't lend itself to a good melody    (spinner.com)	(42)
		Bush's $760 billion tax cuts were passed via reconciliation, yet the media did not cover it like it was a gimmick, a nuclear explosion, or a forcible rape of American citizens  (mediamatters.org)	(414)
(Some Guy)		Boston St Patrick's Day Pub Crawl 2010. March 13th. 1pm. DIT. LGT Facebook event. Please leave your mooninites at home  (thefieldpub.com)	(75)

(wcnc)		Animal control: Your dogs got loose and you can get them back when you fix your fence. Dog owner: fence is fixed, can I have my dogs please? Animal Control: ummm, yeah, about that  (wcnc.com)	(256)
		Teach for America volunteers have been credited by Obama's education secretary as key to huge improvements in post-Katrina New Orleans schools. Naturally, the teachers' union in Detroit is fighting it tooth and nail  (detnews.com)	(63)
		British Teenager saves a 5 year old girl in North Carolina from being raped without even having to leave home  (abcnews.go.com)	(215)
		What your children will learn in history class: "Single-term President Barack Obama sacrificed his second term to push Health Care through Congress for the benefit of the American people"  (reuters.com)	(392)
		Charles Rangell (D-ranged) to take 'leave of absence' from chairmanship of House Ways and Means Committee. And just ignore those big paper-shredder trucks outside  (abcnews.go.com)	(144)
(Margaret Thatcher)		BAE Systems pleads guilty to conspiring to defraud the US and violating Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. BAE will pay $400 million fine "one of the largest criminal fines ever levied in the United States against a company"  (webnewswire.com)	(37)
		Former Labour Party leader Michael Foot dies. He was a living leg end    (news.sky.com)	(109)
		Caption this 16th century inscription. No, really. Please  (dailymail.co.uk)	(177)
		The US team sucks at Olympic hockey. At least there's Formula One, oh, wait  (formulaone.blogs.nytimes.com)	(90)
(Some Guy)		Too stupid to learn the terms of your mortgage? The government stepped in to hold your hand. Now whether or not you're too stupid to find your own free credit report the government has decided to hold your hand and show you that way too  (redtape.msnbc.com)	(273)

		Drinking to forget can have the opposite effect and lead to more painful memories, jaws, ribs, eye sockets  (telegraph.co.uk)	(71)
		Wi-Fi finders provide latest harsh lesson for dumbasses who leave laptops in their cars  (networkworld.com)	(64)
(Some Guy)		Sen. Bunning's office inundated with respectful, calm pleas from lefties to change his position. Just kidding; they're receiving bomb threats  (gatewaypundit.firstthings.com)	(304)
		Brittany Murphy's sweaty, douchey husband finds out his name is in the will but only to point out that she isn't leaving him a pot to pee in. But since all the money's going to Murphy's mom, he will now move in with her  (dlisted.com)	(41)
		Researchers discover crystals that could lead to super security chips and materials that expand the capacity of electronic storage devices by 1,000 to 1 million times. With no trans-fats and one-third the calories of regular chips  (pcworld.com)	(35)
		Noted historical scholar Glenn Beck explains how progressivism always leads to Nazism  (crooksandliars.com)	(284)
		Missouri's Mark McGwire Highway may be renamed. Ideas for the new name include the Roger Maris Did It Without Steorids Highway and the Hey At Least Sosa Got Caught Too Highway  (sports.espn.go.com)	(42)
		Man arrested by Secret Service swallows flash drive in bid to destroy evidence. Learns device was not compatible to his gastrointestinal tract  (thesmokinggun.com)	(106)
		Children who watch those Baby Wordsworth tapes don't actually learn any words  (time.com)	(111)
		Redskins owner Dan Snyder spends $600,000 on two alligator leather desks. Who can blame him? Both were free agents and former All-Desk honorees  (nypost.com)	(51)
		Upon hearing that ACORN is cleared of all charges, Andrew Breitbart throws O'Keefe under the bus  (mediamatters.org)	(717)
		Problem: Utility companies can't afford to build nuclear reactors. Solution: Start charging customers for them before they're built  (washingtonpost.com)	(115)
		"Anyone who thought Leno might have learned any great lesson from his prime-time debacle The Jay Leno Show ... was quickly disabused of that notion"  (usatoday.com)	(133)
		Republicans now calling reconciliation "the nuclear option". Progressives wondering what the actual nuclear option will be called now; when they can get that too  (abcnews.go.com)	(89)
		Wow it's just so hilarious to give huge handguns to people without the strength to handle them, and not the least bit dangerous at all  (liveleak.com)	(60)
		56 years ago today, the US detonated its largest nuclear bomb. Fark: It was almost three times more powerful than the scientists thought. Umm, sorry about your island  (youtube.com)	(62)
(Some Bald Guy)		Peter Gabriel leaves originality behind for new cover album  (media.www.depauliaonline.com)	(43)

		That Chilean earthquake likely shifted the earth on its axis. EVERYBODY TILT  (businessweek.com)	(165)
		Obama's physical advised "alcohol in moderation." The right has decided this clearly means he's a raging boozer who needs AA stat  (mediamatters.org)	(148)
		Gorillaz produce album after 5-year hiatus, releases it to NPR for your listening pleasure  (npr.org)	(32)
		Apple rejects app because having your phone quack like a duck is not useful enough to an average user. (So leave your phone home on the next hunting trip)  (gizmodo.com)	(44)
(WSBT)		If you're going to shoplift supplies for your meth lab from Kmart, make sure you at least leave the lab at home  (wsbt.com)	(38)
		Fresh from the Eye Bleach Archives: Courtney Love EXTREME FACE CLOSE-UP. You have been warned  (dlisted.com)	(80)
(Some Guy)		Colorado Springs has about 75 crossdressers, so the police undergo special training to learn how to be nice to them. Redheaded left-handed blind gay Turkish leather fetishists immediately complain about being ignored  (gazette.com)	(193)
(Some Guy)		One for Wheel of Time fans. Eye of the World, the movie may be released sometime next year  (geekology.co.za)	(151)
(Holland Sentinel)		If you're a prosecutor, remember there is a difference between "copping a plea" and "copping a feel." They are not the same thing  (hollandsentinel.com)	(57)
		Christopher Hitchens: "For a few hours at least, the United States of America appeared to be - and actually was - a pathetic banana republic"  (network.nationalpost.com)	(48)
(538)		If you cut out the newfangled sports, Germany lead the 2010 medal count. Canada loaded up on golds in made-up, phony sports  (fivethirtyeight.com)	(180)
		You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel  (sports.espn.go.com)	(43)
(Mlive.com)		Actual headline: Man arrested after shooting up hotel room in Albion, putting alarm clock in microwave and leaving note saying 'God delivered me from evil and placed me in Albion'  (mlive.com)	(68)
(Some Jailbreakers)		According to a survey conducted by Planet Rocks, the best live album ever released belongs to Thin Lizzy. And, with the exception of UFO and KISS, the top ten list is pretty damned good  (music-news.com)	(198)

(TriCities.com)		American Taliban: Group hands out leaflets to women dressed "provocatively", blaming them if they get raped  (www2.tricities.com)	(495)
		News: Couple grabs jewelry from store and runs. Fark: They leave their 4 yr old son behind  (philly.com)	(40)
(Big Journalism)		Everyone expects journalists to be mouthpieces for the Democratic Party, but reprinting a Democratic Congresman's press release word for word and putting your own name on it is going too far  (bigjournalism.com)	(44)
		Canada sets record for most Gold by host nation. Please be so kind as to suck it...world  (ctvolympics.ca)	(154)
		Terrell Owens leaves the Bills as a hero, praised for his contributions to the team, and his number retired. Nah, I'm kidding, they just told him to GTFO  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(43)

(Old Jarhead)		A U.S. Marine General's take on a nuclear armed Iran  (tartanmarine.blogspot.com)	(94)
		Women's roller derby not silly enough for you? Try a ladies' arm wrestling league  (washingtonpost.com)	(42)
		Planning on going tobogganing this weekend? Better make sure that you have all the safety rules down. To help you learn them, here's world class tobogganer and bass player Geddy Lee  (youtube.com)	(22)
		Celebrity offspring suicide week continues, Marie Osmond's son leaps to death in Los Angeles  (today.msnbc.msn.com)	(150)
		I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar. Canadian men's hockey team wins semi-final against Slovokia, set to play a rematch against the US team for the Gold medal  (nhl.com)	(300)
		Obama calls for bipartisanship. doo, DOO, DOOP "I'm sorry, the number you have dialed is no longer in service. Please check the number and dial again."  (upi.com)	(74)
		Robert Rodriguez was all set to make his tribute to "Blade Runner," but the actor he had in mind for the lead role got booked so he decided to make "Machete" instead. Thank you mystery actor, whoever you are  (io9.com)	(52)
		43-inch curved monitor. Yes, please. (with video goodness)  (engadget.com)	(29)
		Chinese women's gymnastic team from 2000 Olympics to be stripped of bronze medal because at least one member of the squad was underage. This is not a repeat from 2008, though it probably should be  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(52)
		Can Chelsea restore their four point lead at the top? Will Arsenal lose to Stoke yet again? Will Manchester United or Aston Villa win the season's first trophy?  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(56)
		British boffins say sinking city of Venice could be saved by releasing smart salad dressing into canals  (telegraph.co.uk)	(14)

		Senate votes in favor of extending unemployment benefits. Just kidding, Jim Bunning (R-KY) holds up the process, tells his Democratic colleagues "tough shiat" and complains about missing a basketball game  (dailykos.com)	(131)
		Dog survives small plane crash that killed its owner. Authorities suspect foul play, since they've learned that the dog took out a life insurance policy on its owner three days before the crash  (foxnews.com)	(54)
		You can now lease a Tesla Roadster for $1,658 a month. But think of all the gas you'll save  (businessweek.com)	(218)
(Some National Guard Guy)		The National Guard does not go door to door looking for new recruits. Please, make a note of it  (gwinnettdailypost.com)	(63)
(West Mountain Tribune)		It's not exactly a good idea to use a weed burner to thaw out the pipes under your mom's trailer, especially if she's been smelling a propane leak lately  (wetmountaintribune.com)	(35)
		Thabeet Goes On...to the D-League  (sports.yahoo.com)	(31)

(Some Baby Shambler)		Pete Doherty's manager jailed over DUI, releasing Pete Doherty albums to an unwilling public  (spinner.com)	(5)
		Thom Yorke and Flea's new supergroup has a name, tour dates. (video goodness)  (npr.org)	(25)
		Please call 1-800-TIPS to report suspicious behavior, including but not limited to; faceless men, human-turtle hybrids, over-sized band-aid bandits, the undead homeless, or Burt Reynolds circa 1979  (huffingtonpost.com)	(73)
		Drunken motorist arrested for leaving gas station with hose still dangling from truck. Surprisingly wasn't a woman  (charlotteobserver.com)	(61)
		Another youth athletic league decides games would be a lot more pleasant without parents  (boston.com)	(32)
		Atheist leader Richard Dawkins excommunicates all his fans. (with "who farted, y'all?" pic)  (timesonline.typepad.com)	(302)
(Some Guy)		Trying to use the old, "I accidentally shot my girlfriend while cleaning my gun" excuse works better if you only shot her one time  (timesnews.net)	(97)
		Bush, talking about Palin: "I mean, I don't know what her deal is, but my belief is in 2010 and 2012, public leaders need to have intellectual curiosity"  (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(151)
(Some Whiplash)		For some reason, a casting director thinks Mickey Rouke would make a great addition for the new Conan movie. Well, at least Rourke's a little funnier than Leno  (digitalspy.com)	(26)
(Some Guy)		Republicans claim nuclear option "unprecedented" in health care legislation, except for, y'know, 1982, 1986, 1987, 1989, 1990, 1993, 1996, 1997, and 2005. Other than that, totally unprecedented  (americablog.com)	(143)
		The Seattle Times applauds Fark's headline about the Chargers releasing LaDainian Tomlinson (third section from the bottom)  (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(0)

		Did you clean out your inbox today? Pat yourself on the back and get a real nerd merit badge  (techland.com)	(52)
		Sen. Scott Brown (R-ino) learns the hard way that, for Republicans, voting against Obama is WAY more important than doing what's right  (news.yahoo.com)	(128)
		Obama administration arrests, Mirandizes, prosecutes in the civilian system, gets guilty plea from a dangerous terrorist in a triumph of the American justice system. Republican response: Not a single word  (mediamatters.org)	(172)
(Some Guy)		FTC reports ID theft complaints drop. Fail to note impossibly long task of cleaning up your credit as primary reason  (redtape.msnbc.com)	(45)
		You never clean your refrigerator, you don't know how to load it, and you let too much food spoil. Manufacturers know this, and here's what they're doing in response  (online.wsj.com)	(48)
(Bloom Energy)		You know all that "Bloom Box" debate? Well today they released their product details. Let the engineer flamewar begin  (bloomenergy.com)	(170)
		Leaked Israeli intelligence report shows that one of its most valuable informants over the past decade, who prevented dozens of terror attacks, was the son of Hamas' founder  (news.yahoo.com)	(62)
		Yet another reason to avoid taking a cruise: over 450 crew members and passengers came down with very...unpleasant symptoms  (consumerist.com)	(103)
		Man who lost hand in train accident two weeks ago is apparently a slow learner as he gets hit by train...again  (latimes.com)	(48)
(Some Comic Geek)		Last wednesday of the month so publishers release the hounds. Lots of new stuff for the Official Comic Discussion Thread(February 24th)  (downtowncomics.com)	(14)
		Ole Miss is holding a contest to find a replacement for their current mascot. The leader so far? IT'S A TRAP  (tmz.com)	(70)

		Note to Paris Hilton: When you're comped 5 bottles of champagne, you should probably leave a tip  (celebslam.celebuzz.com)	(54)
(Some Guy)		Slutty Muppet cleavage offends public decency in Colorado Springs  (gazette.com)	(89)
		Lead us not into purely hypothetical situations, but deliver us from homework  (abclocal.go.com)	(111)
(Some Guy)		Judge refuses to block release of Jersey Shore DVD box set, hates America  (app.com)	(21)
(Las Vegas Sun)		Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid would win election if the health care bill kept the public option, according to poll commissioned by the progressive group Committee for Providing Hints to Dumbasses    (lasvegassun.com)	(38)
		Johnny Cash releases yet another new album, is said to be considering a duet record with Tupac as his next project    (news.yahoo.com)	(98)
		Elvis Presley has left the building and has been cleared to fly through an automated passport scanning system. Meanwhile, 3 year olds still get searched by airport security because they have the same name as terrorists  (cnn.com)	(57)
		Discussion thread for Champions League, Premier League, FA Cup, how incredibly boring Manchester City have become  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(72)

		A truckload of confiscated marijuana disappeared somewhere between Memphis and Louisville. Police saw several vehicles pull up to the parked tractor-trailer, leave, come back, then leave again. When police checked the truck, it was empty  (upi.com)	(129)
		Leaked Interior Dept document shows Obama Administration planning to create "stealth" national monuments  (deseretnews.com)	(211)
		Is that a leak in the ceiling? Nope, just some fat dude in shorts  (youtube.com)	(26)
		Dutch troops exiting Afghanistan, leaving the whole operation rudderless  (azcentral.com)	(61)
		Evan Bayh released a document diagnosing the fatal flaws of the US Senate. "Power is constantly sought through the use of means which render its effective use, once acquired, impossible."  (voices.washingtonpost.com)	(81)
(The National)		Much of that money you pay your Guatamalan gardener leaves the country: "For many countries, remittances are quite simply the most important source of foreign funds"  (thenational.ae)	(41)
		Union and liberal groups decry "small, puny" $15 billion jobs bill, want Congress to shake taxpayers upside-down until at least $180 billion falls out  (thehill.com)	(211)
		Watchdog group says "Doomsday is here for Illinois." Quick, call the Justice League  (suntimes.com)	(86)
		Ovechkin hockey philosophy of "crush your enemies, see them driven before you" pays off again. Heavy open ice hit on Jagr causes the turnover that leads to the game winning goal  (nhl.com)	(72)
		Greek three-way leads to hot liquidity injection. Giggity  (reuters.com)	(20)

		Women passes away at 93 leaving 15 children, 200 grandchildren and 2000 great-grandchildren. Funeral procession to be one hearse and 317 Suvs    (nytimes.com)	(215)
		Nice try: airport administrator negotiating deal to ease Delta's stranglehold on Atlanta. Trying too hard: administrator leaves spy pen in meeting room to record Delta's conversations  (ajc.com)	(24)
		Obama proposes Great Lakes cleanup, which presumably involves relocating Detroit to Nebraska    (cbc.ca)	(108)
(Thundercats Lair)		Thundercats movie script has been leaked, feel the magic, feel the roar . Thundercats are loose  (thundercatslair.org)	(116)
		Remember the Lockerbie bomber who was released from prison because he had three months to live and wanted to be with his family? That was six months ago and he's living it up in a luxury villa. "His condition has not deteriorated"  (telegraph.co.uk)	(113)
		Dear Fark, please help me understand why this video has 52 million views. Love, submitter  (youtube.com)	(60)
		You may want to invest in popcorn. The Christian organization the Liberty Council is suing to allow prayer in school. "The court's ruling has elevated this case to nuclear war"  (nwfdailynews.com)	(255)

		Poll indicates that most Americans oppose Obama's health reform - until they learn what's actually in it. In other words, the wharrgarbl is working  (newsweek.com)	(585)
		American snowboarder voluntarily leaves Olympic village early after pictures surface of a kneeling woman kissing his halfpipe medal. No, that wasn't a euphemism  (sports.yahoo.com)	(42)
(Some Bankrupt Californian)		New from the producers of the "Pay to Use 911" tax, the "Pay to Clean Up Your Crash" tax  (capitolweekly.net)	(41)
		Police release recording of Palo Alto plane crash as recorded by gunfire location system  (mercurynews.com)	(30)

		You: "I think I'm having a heart attack. Please send an ambulance." 911 operator: "Will that be cash or credit?"  (cbs13.com)	(172)
(Some Nauseated Guy)		If you had 'less than a day' in the 'how long until the Teabaggers canonize Andrew Joseph Stack' pool, please collect your tea bag  (americablog.com)	(447)
		How did the Kardashian family become "an inescapable cultural and commercial force" so quickly and without one-tenth of the talent God gives the middle-school lead in a production of "The Music Man?"  (latimes.com)	(58)
		Alabama professor who shot and killed three colleagues wants to know if she still has a job at the university. Unlikely tag awarded tenure  (news.yahoo.com)	(153)
(Some BLS)		Massive fiscal and monetary expansion leads to first month-over-month decline in core CPI since 1982. Wait, what?  (bls.gov)	(20)
		So who's in the lead for the 2012 GOP nomination according the members of the Conservative PAC? The gay-marrige supporting guy who imposed Obamacare on his state almost a decade ago  (news.yahoo.com)	(227)
		Thirty years ago, one of the greatest rock n' roll lead singers died. RIP Bon Scott  (youtube.com)	(76)
(Some Lemon)		Tina Fey says she'll return to SNL for a few Sarah Palin parodies, meaning there will be at least a couple of funny skits to round out the season  (digitalspy.com)	(67)
(Some Guy)		Obama fist bumps with Chavez, but makes the Dali Lama leave through the White House back door by the trash  (weaselzippers.net)	(156)
		Daycare operators learn that "Leave no man behind" also applies to 2-year-old girls on field trips to New York City  (nj.com)	(105)

		"Please 'Feed The Children' now. For every dollar you donate, twenty three cents will go a child of your choice"  (cbsnews.com)	(141)
		If a sheriff's deputy asks you to leave a bar because you're disturbing people, the last thing you want to say is, "I'm waiting for the real cops to tell me to leave"  (nwfdailynews.com)	(69)
		Police are searching for someone driving a silver Ford Focus, who violated a gas station's "Take a baby leave a baby" policy  (thebostonchannel.com)	(38)
		New Crow flick could start production this summer. Fans hope whomever is cast as the lead doesn't have the last name of "Lee"  (io9.com)	(44)
(Some Guy)		Legendary game designer Sid Meier announces "Civilization V: The Search for Totally Awesome" for release in fall 2010  (gamasutra.com)	(231)
		Proving once again that Obama is ok with nuclear powers, the White House has threatened reconciliation if GOP doesn't come to the table on Feb 25th  (msnbc.msn.com)	(121)
		John Boehner and Eric Cantor have written a letter challenging House Democratic leadership to a televised debate on jobs creation, but only if they promise not to bring the President because that didn't go so well for them last time  (tpmlivewire.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(166)
		Despite Nancy Pelosi recently releasing "job losses" chart showing improvement since Obama took office, new data shows jobless claims jumped unexpectedly last week. Change you can believe in  (msnbc.msn.com)	(36)
(Some Guy)		"Cock Got Your Tongue? 'Rooster Fighting' story leaves local news anchor at a loss for words"  (blogs.riverfronttimes.com)	(37)
		Shooting angers Portland, Oregon's black community; rest of city shocked to learn they have one  (abcnews.go.com)	(175)
		When cheating on your famous girlfriend, make sure you don't leave your mistress at home alone with a video camera so she can post a video tour of your house on YouTube  (celebslam.celebuzz.com)	(27)
		The Castleford Area Voice for the Elderly has been successful at preventing the politically correct renaming of a Victorian landmark . "I feel we should never alter names, and Tickle Cock has a very clear message behind it"  (telegraph.co.uk)	(67)
		Newly released MoD files reveal that Britain was nearly invaded by giant flying chocolate bars from space  (independent.co.uk)	(86)
		"After about a year, the white worms dig through the body towards the skin, releasing chemicals to burn the flesh and then spewing thousands of larvae as they exit"  (telegraph.co.uk)	(217)
(UN News Center)		The UN would like you to know that Climategate has not damaged the IPCC credibility in the least. In totally unrelated news, the UN climate chief is resigning  (un.org)	(62)
		You're in court on burglary charges, do you then: a) Commit more robberies b) Drop a charge sheet with your name on it at one crime scene c) Leave a DVD of your police interview at another d) All of the above?  (news.com.au)	(17)

(KSL.com)		If you must park on the freeway, hide the drugs. But if you can't do that, at least make sure the car isn't stolen. And if you can't do that, at least don't have sex in the back seat with a minor half your age  (ksl.com)	(54)
		Kevin Smith releases his "Final Words" on the Southwest Airlines incident. In 24 parts  (youtube.com)	(195)
		Thanks to his years of experience leading a company whose software has nuked users repeatedly, Bill Gates to lead a renaissance in nuclear energy  (cnn.com)	(58)
		After taking on booze, pills and Darth Vader, Carrie Fisher leads a rebellion against the stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking producer of her hit Broadway show  (nypost.com)	(42)
		A woman learns an important lesson about setting your GPS on 'fastest trip' compared to 'shortest distance' after being stuck on a snowmobile trail for several hours  (sunjournal.com)	(118)
		When trying to convince your wife not to leave you, attacking her plane with a spear and machete isn't a great start  (news.com.au)	(33)
		Ex-Lions defensive coach doesn't remember naked escapade in Wendy's drive-through, which is plausible since he clearly never remembered anything about coaching defense with the Lions  (detnews.com)	(12)

		The first pictures from the set of "Twilight: Eclipse" are going to lead to some heavy petting tonight for the Twihards  (cinematical.com)	(122)
		"'I voted twice and I failed political science twice," said Darin Stevens, leader of the Spokane 9/12 Project.'  (nytimes.com)	(111)
		Champions League first knockout stage discussion thread  (soccernet.espn.go.com)	(56)
		China's wine industry surges to 4th largest in world, aims to be low-price leader and global supplier of fine varietals such as "Tibetan's Blood" and "Dissident Sauvignon"  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(29)
(Worcester News)		This is what happens when a pancake racer's enthusiasm outweighs his athletic prowess. Warning: cheerleaders and faceplants  (worcesternews.co.uk)	(40)
(PopMatters)		Peter Gabriel's first album in eight years is a collection of cover versions that spotlights the former Genesis leader's talents as a singer. No, really  (popmatters.com)	(39)
		More than 80 conservative leaders will gather at Mount Vernon to issue a political manifesto. Article I: Get that pinko out of the White House  (washingtonpost.com)	(229)
		Obama approves the construction of the first new nuclear reactors in thirty years. Republicans call emergency meeting to determine what they don't like about this  (news.yahoo.com)	(455)
		This is exactly why Mt. St. Helens needs to be bulldozed to the ground. It's too dangerous to just leave sitting there  (oregonlive.com)	(157)

		Anne Hathaway speaks out on the subject of men who can only climax while wearing only a trench coat and being yelled at by a woman in leather. About time  (starpulse.com)	(65)
		Chimps are learning how to use spears to hunt other primates. It's only a matter of time before they discover laser cats  (gammasquad.uproxx.com)	(77)
		If a train leaves west Brussels going 120 kilometers an hour, and a second train leaves east Brussels on the same track going 110 kilometers an hour, how long until 25 people are dead?  (abcnews.go.com)	(75)
(Some Guy)		These new cars feature high mileage and slick styling. And they fly  (hplusmagazine.com)	(17)
		Georgia's Office of Student Achievement released its devastating report on suspected test tampering in Georgia schools last week. There is an investigation into these accusations .... by the same schools that were altering test scores  (ajc.com)	(53)
		Obama to ask Clinton to ask Saudi Arabia to ask China to pressure Iran on its nuclear program  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(41)
		English Premier League, beloved by sport snobs for determining champion without American-style knockout postseason, plans to award final UEFA Champions League berth to winner of American-style 4-team knockout playoffs  (guardian.co.uk)	(84)
		"Family Guy" made fun of Sarah Palin's mentally disabled son tonight, and Facebook prepares for the Kanye West-level rant that she is about to unleash  (tv.gawker.com)	(258)
		UAH professor who killed three colleagues last week, shot brother in 1986, was also suspect in Harvard bomb plot in 1993. Will soon be linked to Kennedy assassination    (msnbc.msn.com)	(120)
		New suvery discovers most men would prefer to marry a woman with a pleasant nature than a supermodel. In other news, most men are taking surveys with their wives standing right next to them  (dailymail.co.uk)	(146)

		Plot details of the third Batman movie are being leaked, and supposedly the Riddler will be the villain, and names like Lex Luthor and Metropolis get mentioned. Let's hope Neil Patrick Harris plays Edward Nigma  (io9.com)	(170)
		Good news: Lionsgate bumps Nic Cage's latest crapfest from its release schedule. Superbad news: "21 Jump Street: The Movie" with Jonah Hill is on the way  (comingsoon.net)	(26)
(Some Hipsters)		Great news, insomniacs: The Strokes have just releases a nine minute "behind the scenes" documentary about the recording of their new album  (nme.com)	(24)
		President Obama is sending coded messages to his terrorist buddies that it's safe to come and attack America. Time to start learning the Islam language  (townhall.com)	(271)

(Some Guy)		Harry Reid thinks Obama should appoint federal judge who have never been judges before. Sounds like fun. Let's also have auto mechanics try brain surgery and pastry chefs build nuclear reactors  (lvrj.com)	(96)
		Kelly Osbourne in a skintight leather dress. You'd expect something more like "Margaret Thatcher on a cold day", but she actually doesn't look bad  (starpulse.com)	(101)
		High court to decide of "pole tax" strips rights from patrons, leaves adult industry owners naked and exposed of First Amendment rights  (chron.com)	(46)
		SaturdayHMHC, anyone? Today's the 40th anniversary of the release of the first Black Sabbath album, without which we'd all be living in a much cheerier, happier world and wouldn't that suck?  (youtube.com)	(66)
		If you are going to vandalize a window, make sure there aren't over 100 cops inside staring at you as you try to create your work of art. At least one of them can run faster than you  (sfgate.com)	(40)
		Joey Porter's mouth gets him released from the Miami Dolphins today. Joey Porter's salary gets him back on the Dolphins roster 3 hours later as a cap un-casualty  (blogs.palmbeachpost.com)	(18)
		Carnie Wilson pleads for help with weight loss battle. If she would just hold on for one more day, things will go her way  (contactmusic.com)	(20)

(WHNT)		Next up in the on-campus shooting lottery: University of Alabama in Huntsville. Three dead, fourth person shot, one woman in custody, campus is now cleared for fleeing  (whnt.com)	(447)
		Starcraft 2 beta to be released this month. Kekekekeke nerd rush ^_^    (joystiq.com)	(95)
		Today's completely misleading headline: Mascot eats cheerleader  (youtube.com)	(31)
		Centurion, a story of a massacred Roman legion with survivors stuck behind enemy lines, has released the greatest. trailer. ever  (slashfilm.com)	(206)
(NME)		Dr. Dre sues Death Row Records over their reissue of The Chronic, saying he never authorized the release. Whatever; he's not even a real doctor  (nme.com)	(47)
		Loser laments loss of larcenied LEGO landmarks. Lawmen lookout for leads  (abclocal.go.com)	(59)
		In memory of Bufu, please join the DC Farkers at 5pm on Saturday the 13th  (fark.com)	(148)
		Class, today we're going to learn how I stayed out of jail and in my teaching position for months while I had an active child molestation warrant  (cbsatlanta.com)	(28)
		Should you ever land a job working in your National Mint, make sure you learn how to spell the name of your country properly  (telegraph.co.uk)	(51)
(Some Guy)		What's about two years old, sits in the backseat of your car, and might be contaminated with lead?  (insidebayarea.com)	(64)
		Auschwitz sign theft suspect arrested in Sweden, prays that work release programs have improved in Poland  (torontosun.com)	(42)
		Cool: Using a front-end loader to clear all your friends' driveways after a big snowstorm. Dumbass: Yeah, he stole it  (baltimoresun.com)	(36)
		Canadian politician gets suspended after flipping the bird and threatening colleague with 'Yes, I gave you [the finger]. And I'll give you that again. And I'll give you this if you want to go outside.'  (cbc.ca)	(36)

		Key 'climategate' scientist cleared of wrongdoing  (abc.net.au)	(525)
		Nelson Mandela was released from prison 20 years ago today, hasn't reoffended    (liveshots.blogs.foxnews.com)	(70)
(Derpitty Durst)		Limp Bizkit say that "people will still hate them" even after releasing their new album. I'm pretty sure that's the smartest thing the group has ever said  (digitalspy.co.uk)	(26)
(Some Guy)		Before the Recession: Credit Counselor, "How may I help you?"; During the Recession: Credit Counselor, "Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed"  (journaltimes.com)	(54)
(Dartmouth Review)		We're going to need a bigger palm: Dartmouth Young Republicans release rap song featuring a chorus by none other than Ol' Dirty Reagan and a cameo by Michelle "Left Eye" Malkin (with video)  (dartreview.blogspot.com)	(101)
		Marines in Afghanistan deploy 72-ton 40 foot long mine clearing vehicles nicknamed "The Joker". After one look Taliban won't have any trouble determining whether the marines are serious  (abcnews.go.com)	(267)
		Billboard magazine releases their list of the top 50 sexiest songs. Huh: Barry White not on the list. WTF: Akon featuring Eminem is  (msnbc.msn.com)	(245)
(Miller-McCune)		The story of pee. Or, climate change may be the least of our worries  (miller-mccune.com)	(60)
		Ozzy unleashes pure pwnage on Chelsea Lately. Bonus: Handler "Derp" face at 5:20  (youtube.com)	(67)

		Customer breaks her tooth on a Godiva chocolate pretzel, demands reparations. Godiva sends her a complimentary box of chocolates. Hey, at least it was something  (consumerist.com)	(38)
		KFC is offering $500 worth of grilled chicken as a reward for information leading to the return of a bronze bust of Colonel Harland Sanders. "We think KFC's world-famous chicken is a better motivator than money."  (news.cincinnati.com)	(102)
(Some Who Dat)		Drew Brees drops in at local bar, teaches locals the chant that lead the Saints to the Superbowl  (wwl.com)	(54)
		Rebuilt DNA Could Lead to Cloned Neanderthals, Higher Ratings for WWE    (foxnews.com)	(56)
(AllGov)		Blackwater mercs take control of Islamabad, Pakistan. Things just went nuclear  (allgov.com)	(76)
		Newly released aerial photos of the 9-11 attack on World Trade Center  (wbbm780.com)	(386)
		Shuttle Endeavour hooks up with International Space Station. Plans to hang out for a few days, eat all the food, leave unexpectedly and 'forget' to call  (msnbc.msn.com)	(18)
(TMV)		There is a difference between snark and well placed satire. Reagan offered far more than today's GOP leaders, who dearly aspire to be like him but fall way short of that mark when they resort to playground politics  (themoderatevoice.com)	(186)
		You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see that the IQ of Congress will drop another 80% this fall with the retirement of its only nuclear physicist representative  (congress.blogs.foxnews.com)	(42)
		The most ridiculous costumes in videogames. Or: the ones that cosplayers (mostly) leave alone  (denofgeek.com)	(226)
(WLBZ2.com)		Dog saves family from a fire the cat started. At least that's his story  (wlbz2.com)	(67)
		Obama's plea of bipartisanship really means "do it my way or you are engaging in obstinacy" which is the exact same thing his last four predecessors said. Welcome to Change Country  (cbsnews.com)	(243)
		Georgia man arrested with $1.6 billion in phony Treasury notes. Authorities became suspicious upon learning that the man's name wasn't China    (ajc.com)	(60)

		If you guessed today's WTF was a stuffed tiger and a rabbit in black-face playing The Ventures on ukelele and melodica, please claim your prize  (youtube.com)	(14)
(ZUG)		Scientists convince people they're weightless, create fake science, and build a real nuclear reactor in a shed. For fun  (zug.com)	(49)
(The Daily Beast)		"Thank you for your service, Justice Ginsburg, and good luck in your retirement. But before you go, please join me in welcoming your replacement, Justice Hillary Clinton"  (thedailybeast.com)	(249)
		Afghan army fills leadership ranks with experienced generals. They fought for the other side, but whatever  (online.wsj.com)	(112)
(WHNT)		US Senator Shelby (R-ALzheimer's) releases blanket hold on 70 of President Obama's appointees after getting some attention, hugs  (whnt.com)	(196)
(Dawn.com)		Taliban confirm that their leader in Pakistan is not only merely dead, he's really most sincerely dead  (dawn.com)	(97)
(NBC Sports)		Nike dropped New Orleans Saints LB Scott Fujita from an endorsement contract he'd had for seven years because they didn't like the way he taped over the swoosh logo  (profootballtalk.nbcsports.com)	(53)
		Nvidia releases Optimus switchable graphics technology to compete with the Megatron GPU from ATI  (pcworld.com)	(63)
		You know that big GOP congressional landslide that's supposed to happen in 2010? Well new polling data shows that Latino voters will decide at least 40 races next year. Looks like the GOP picked the wrong decade to play the xenophobia card  (news.yahoo.com)	(549)
(Some Bad Pilot)		This plane crash was an unauthorized landing. Please, please remember to get prior authorization before crashing your plane into people's yard. Thank you  (gwinnettdailypost.com)	(45)
		T-shirts for the New Orleans Saints' championship are busily being cranked out this week at an Adidas factory in, of all places, Indianapolis  (indystar.com)	(41)
		Caption this lean-in  (s.wsj.net)	(52)
		Actual Headline: Home test for sperm count could leave men in a mess  (newscientist.com)	(45)
(Some Unfit Mother)		Kate Gosselin is releasing her third book about life with eight kids. In other news, Kate Gosselin has already written two books  (digitalspy.com)	(72)
		Vancouver's famous "Japadog" street vendor unveils sausage in honour of Olympic figure skater Mao Asada: a $10 Kobe beef dog covered with tonkatsu sauce and tofu-skin maple leaves  (vancouversun.com)	(32)

		China quietly buying up stakes in major companies such as Apple, Coca-Cola, Johnson & Johnson, Motorola and Visa. How hard is it to learn Mandarin?  (nytimes.com)	(65)
(Jezebel)		Some person keeps leaking unretouched "before" photos of Madonna. Some very, very cruel person (pics)  (jezebel.com)	(67)
		"I do not believe in totally natural for women" says Donatella Versace, who looks like a cross between Iggy Pop and a leather purse left out in the sun    (celebitchy.com)	(51)
		Drew Brees leaves phone interview with Colin Cowherd to take a call from President Obama, then calls back to finish the interview  (espn.go.com)	(62)
		Among the five things learned at the Tea Party Convention: "It's hard for us to unify behind any one person. We're not a cult"  (time.com)	(94)
		Massachusetts governor wants to fire toll collectors, replace them with surveillance system tracking and tolling every vehicle on Turnpike. In other news, Raytheon's check cleared  (bostonherald.com)	(138)
		Elderly woman forced to crawl under cars to leave her house after CSX parks train in her driveway. Two months ago  (upi.com)	(118)

		Public: So which part of "No, you retarded pack of weasels, we don't want anything to do with that farking mountain of shiat called ObamaCare" was unclear?  (politico.com)	(232)
		Scottish pensioner awarded judo's highest rank - you can step on his lawn, but you'll be leaving quickly, backwards and upside down  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(8)
		Never mind the game, it's Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl. "Today's installment features an all-kitten halftime show, not to mention bunny 'cheerleaders' and hamsters flying overhead in a miniature blimp." (3pm Eastern)  (cleveland.com)	(377)
		You're going to keep hearing about the "inevitable" mileage tax every few months until you learn to stop worrying and love Big Brother  (washingtonpost.com)	(156)
		In 1976, Paul Simon topped the charts with 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. No need to be coy, Roy  (youtube.com)	(29)
		Happy birthday to our ringleader, Drew  (en.wikipedia.org)	(250)
(Today's TMJ4)		Apparently mall rent-a-cops have Tasers now, and they aren't afraid to use them. But at least they have mad CPR skills  (todaystmj4.com)	(97)

		Seeing how well such tactics worked in Kansas, Operation Rescue offers a $10K reward for info leading to the "arrest" of abortion doctors  (dailykos.com)	(104)
		FBI pressuring ISPs to spy on every customer and store data for at least two years. Prepare your lolcats for battle  (news.cnet.com)	(83)
		When the Saints cheerleaders battle the Colts cheerleaders, everybody wins [47-pic slideshow]  (nydailynews.com)	(46)
(AZ Family)		At high noon today in Phoenix the Sheriff of Pinal County will lead a protest against speed cameras. Those attending the rally are requested to leave at the last minute and rush to get there on time  (azfamily.com)	(66)
		Thanks to Twitter we've learnt first-hand that electoral protests took place in Iran, a plane landed on the Hudson river and VodafoneUK is fed up of dirty homo's, and is going after beaver  (guardian.co.uk)	(41)
		Lady Gaga in pants and no makeu-GAAAAAAH, please resume blasting your face with the makeup gun set to "Whore," thank you  (dailymail.co.uk)	(88)
		Brendan Burke, son of Toronto Leafs GM, dies in Indiana car accident  (network.nationalpost.com)	(32)
		Remember the 80s when they tried to jam the stage with as many stars as they could? Well this is a clear winner. Can you name them all? Without a google search?  (youtube.com)	(31)
		Humans are basically self-domesticated apes. Your girlfriend wants you back on your leash  (npr.org)	(40)

(Bozeman Chronicle)		Police officer delivers stern lecture to man after arresting him for shoplifting school supplies for his kids. Just kidding; after citing and releasing the suspect, the officer used his own money to buy food for the guy's family  (dailychronicle.com)	(229)
		German historians want to re-release Hitler's book "Mein Kampf", their reasoning? "the copyright runs out in 2015, opening the way for neo-Nazi groups to publish their own versions."  (msnbc.msn.com)	(163)
		Office pranksters build wall leading to CEO office. Much confusion ensues  (tv.gawker.com)	(31)
(Some Ticking Clock)		Dear 24: You suck and I'm leaving you  (thecorrectness.com)	(197)
		Environmental activists would like makers of household cleaners to tell us exactly what's in them. Cleaner industry says we should simply trust them not to put anything harmful in there, and to enjoy the new lemony-carcinogeny scent    (news.yahoo.com)	(70)
		Homeless woman harasses Leann Rimes. On closer inspection, police realized it was just a pissy Kelly Pickler  (starpulse.com)	(23)
(Spin)		John Mayer tweets:"As de facto leader and bass player of Fall Out Boy, I am thrilled to announce Queensryche's Geoff Tate is our new singer." Unlike Fall Out Boy, that might actually be worth a listen  (spin.com)	(52)
		Timothy Leary's dead, but a new generation of scientists want the walls to melt, say it'd be cooler that way  (fastcompany.com)	(40)
		Global economic leaders to hold the G7 conference near the Arctic circle. Usual protesters at such events will have Nunavut  (marketwatch.com)	(33)

		Mainstream media, obsessed with Bush's inability to say "nuclear," ignores Obama's repeated reference to Navy "corpsemen." Obama orders new phonetic teleprompter (video)  (realclearpolitics.com)	(242)
		Them Crooked Vultures to release their second disappointing album this fall  (pastemagazine.com)	(34)
(SI Live)		Fourth grader nearly suspended for two-inch Lego gun. At least they somehow avoided calling in the SWAT team  (silive.com)	(122)
		Pluto attempts to regain its lost fame by publicly releasing blurry photos with tantalizing hints of more detail soon to come  (cosmiclog.msnbc.msn.com)	(48)
		That rumor about Haiti releasing the 10 church people that were transporting kids. Forget that, they've all been formally charged for kidnapping  (msnbc.msn.com)	(537)
		Please stay healthy, Justice Kennedy: Supreme Court justices John Paul Stevens and Ruth Bader Ginsburg may step down soon to let Obama appoint their liberal replacements  (abcnews.go.com)	(150)
		Everything you could ever want to know about time travel, at least until Dr Dan Streetmentioner finally publishes his handbook  (discovermagazine.com)	(75)
		Him of She & Him talks about the duo's next record, doesn't talk nearly enough about She, or show naked pictures of She, or tell us whether or not She will release a sex tape. You know, the stuff we really care about from She  (pastemagazine.com)	(30)
		Farkers, MTV is having a vote to see where the Jersey Shore mutants live for next season. Detroit is only barely in the lead. Let's fix that for them  (remotecontrol.mtv.com)	(lots)
(NBC Sports)		Baltimore Ravens owner claims several teams are struggling to make a profit... which may lead to the NFL having to finally open the books to the NFLPA  (profootballtalk.nbcsports.com)	(50)
		Two-thirds of British people believe that the leader of the BNP is a fat cartoon character of a man prone to making ridiculously stupid statements. The rest of them believe he's Peter Griffin  (telegraph.co.uk)	(18)
		Today's classiest political ad is brought to you by the race for Orleans Parish coroner  (youtube.com)	(41)

(Seattle Weakly)		Today's you-can't-make-this-up made for Fark story "Gay, Mentally Challenged Bi-Racial Male Cheerleader Claims Discrimination" (with bonus vid)  (blogs.seattleweekly.com)	(187)
(Mlive)		Remember, legitimate plea-bargain deals don't involve sex in the courthouse bathroom with an attorney from the prosecution  (mlive.com)	(57)
		Look, we know you Yanks get bent out of shape over drugs but would you please stop arresting our elderly on decades-old pot charges?  (ctv.ca)	(111)
		Scientists warn of an upcoming Lulz-quake of epic proportions as the Tea-baggers prepare to release their "crowd-sourced" party platform, to be entitled the "Contract From America"  (news.yahoo.com)	(352)
		Iran says it's taken the first step toward becoming a space-faring nation, recently sending worms and turtles into space. Sure, they were nuclear-armed worms and turtles, but still  (nytimes.com)	(36)
		"Hey guys, watch this," maintains its lead in the "what not to say when texting, speeding, and smoking weed" category  (billingsgazette.com)	(66)
		The New Orleans Saints made sure Brett Favre's ankle and hamstring matched his jersey  (content.usatoday.com)	(111)
		If the music sucks, at least the records are tasty  (youtube.com)	(9)

		All transferred detainees who returned to terrorism were released by Bush, No recidivism for those released by Obama. Just another good reason to blame Bush  (blogs.abcnews.com)	(67)
(My Fox Phoenix)		Prison rehabilitates offenders, as proven by man who served four years for sex abuse and crimes against children, and is now a counselo... just kidding, he raped two underaged girls the day he was released and is now looking at 45 years  (myfoxphoenix.com)	(384)
		Heinz has developed a special baby food for those just learning to chew and swallow small pieces of plastic  (dailymail.co.uk)	(31)
		Someone took naked pictures of Jersey Shore's "Snooki" and is threatening to release them. DO NOT WANT  (wwtdd.com)	(102)
		Michael Vick thinks he's among the top 10 best QBs in the league right now, even though he isn't even the second best QB on his own team  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(82)
		Scientific Journal fully retracts the article linking autism to the MMR vaccine, lead authors to be stripped of right to practice medicine. But Jenny McCarthy still believes it so it must be true  (google.com)	(123)
		"Hurt Locker" and "Neo Skywalker Saves FernGully For Pocohontas" lead Oscar nominations with nine each  (msnbc.msn.com)	(319)
		Pete Doherty learns two valuable lessons: don't oversleep and show up late to a performance in Russia, and don't perform at a venue in Russia that sells bagels, because the Russians will throw them at you  (dailymail.co.uk)	(19)
		Israel finally admits illegal use of white phosphorus in Gaza... buried in paragraph 108 of a report released on Friday afternoon. Oh, and the officers involved got really firm wrist slaps, too  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(730)
(Hawaii News Now)		Honked horn at drive-thru leads to McFatality  (hawaiinewsnow.com)	(125)
		Over the hedge, across the yard, over two fruit trees, clearing the driveway, backboard, net  (youtube.com)	(33)
		2009 UEFA Champions League final surges past Super Bowl as world's most watched sporting event, with 109 million viewers who watched entire game. Absence of elderly white rockers stumbling through halftime show may be factor  (independent.co.uk)	(87)
		Fifteen year old girl with no vagina gets pregnant, apparently due to sperm she received from performing fellatio leaking from her GI tract into her uterus after being stabbed at the bar where she worked. Then it gets weird  (blogs.discovermagazine.com)	(313)
		Haitian voodoo high priest claims all of the earthquake aid is going to Christians, leaving none for his believers. Pat Robertson has no comment  (telegraph.co.uk)	(76)

		If you or your kids want a Scott Brown action figure with chiseled abs, wearing nothing but a fig leaf over his nether regions, today is your lucky day  (foxnews.com)	(37)
		Greyhound security guard kicks stranded grandmother out into the cold when she talks to reporters about the company's poor treatment of customers. That'll learn her  (wmctv.com)	(135)
		New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees may have all day to throw passes as Indianapolis Colts DE Dwight Freeney has a torn ligament in his ankle and may miss the Super Bowl  (sports.yahoo.com)	(130)
		From the Fox News mindbleach department: Roger Ailes says he would have posed nude like Scott Brown  (dailykos.com)	(65)
(Some Whovian)		Well, there's at least one reason to watch Dr. Who this season: Bill Nighy is guest starring  (digitalspy.co.uk)	(102)
(American Spectator)		Ben Stein demands the release of James O'Keefe  (spectator.org)	(749)

		Remember the Education Secretary saying Katrina was "the best thing that happened to the education system in New Orleans"? Turns out it was the truth, since it blew away the stranglehold of the teacher's union  (pajamasmedia.com)	(174)
		Leafs trade for former franchise player that hasn't done anything for year, give up youth in return. This is a repeat from this Summer. And last year, and the year before, and as far back as subby can remember  (sportsnet.ca)	(92)
		What are the least God-fearing occupations in the county? That would be Hollywood filmmaker, scientist and journalist (except those on Fox News, of course)  (news.yahoo.com)	(132)
		At least 5.4 million civilians have died over the last 3 years in a deadly ci... Oh, it's in Africa? Sorry, go read about the cool dog  (nytimes.com)	(394)
		Jon Hamm hosted SNL and played Senator Scott Brown in a sketch that brought all the Democratic leaders to the yard for a taste of his milkshake  (tv.gawker.com)	(50)

		NYPD leaves his marked highway patrol vehicle with a loaded shotgun inside running while he runs into a diner. What could possibly go wrong?  (nypost.com)	(81)
		ESPN ranks all 106 players on Indianapolis and New Orleans. Not only is Manning #1, but 5 of the top 6 are Colts. Good luck, 'Aints  (sports.espn.go.com)	(78)
		Hockey Day in Canada Thread: Canadiens @ Senators, Canucks @ Leafs, and the Toilet Bowl finale with Oilers @ Flames  (cbc.ca)	(127)
		Former Bush official says Hurricane Katrina was "the best thing that happened to the education system in New Orleans". Oh wait it was Obama's Education Secretary. Fark transformation from outrage to defense ensues  (michellemalkin.com)	(218)
(The Pulse)		If you're going to drink, please don't drive. And if you're going to smoke pot, speed up and get the hell out of the way. Oh, and don't carry around 100 pounds of pot, either  (chattanoogapulse.com)	(34)
		If "Love it or Leave it" was still the name of the game, the U.S. would be a lot roomier country  (news.yahoo.com)	(78)
		You too can plead mental illness when faced with $31 million in embezzlement charges  (jsonline.com)	(45)
(sfbg.com)		"Mystery Science Theater 3000" creator Joel Hodgson talks about life after "MST3K" and his thoughts about jumping ship: "I lied to everyone, basically... I really regret leaving the show."  (sfbg.com)	(366)
		Having closed Guantanamo, convinced Congress to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell, and persuaded Iran to drop its nuclear program, Obama plans to get Justice Department to investigate the BCS  (seattlepi.com)	(54)
		CNBC's Michelle Caruso-Cabrera gets Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-etard) to agree that Obama is sabotaging Toyota because he owns General Motors. At least she has nice tits  (newsbusters.org)	(38)
		Photoshop this nice clean boxcar  (flickr.com)	(35)
(Some Cheerleader)		Team Obama Head Cheerleader Nancy "Boom-Boom" Pelosi's been Livin' La Vida Loca on our dime  (rightsidenews.com)	(110)

		Those Global-Warming nutters at NASA have released more information on the Arctic melting cycle. Just because it's real doesn't mean I have to believe it  (earthobservatory.nasa.gov)	(140)
(GOP's Boehner)		The Republicans' "Better Solutions" have been released. I don't want to spoil anything, but many of them revolve around something that rhymes with "lax butts"  (republicanleader.house.gov)	(88)
		Scottish scientists "lead the world," developing technology to view Flame Nebula. Next up: deep-fried Flame Nebula    (timesonline.co.uk)	(19)
		In honor of Farker bufu, please join us on February 13th to celebrate his life  (fark.com)	(92)
		Zachary Quinto says it would not be logical for him to leave the Star Trek film franchise; however, he said nothing about how smart it would be to abandon Heroes  (contactmusic.com)	(60)
		Alice In Chains eschews reality-show, YouTube, or audition routes to find replacement lead singer for new album, simply chooses friend of the band who can sing  (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(16)
		Defendant changes plea on jigsaw man murder, after the police manage to put all the pieces together  (independent.co.uk)	(15)
		Mistress of John Edwards goes to court to block distribution of sex tape, will soon learn how the internet works  (abcnews.go.com)	(45)
		Get the eye bleach, don the goggles: A slideshow of stars who aged BADLY  (nydailynews.com)	(182)
(Who Fark)		The Saints will get a parade in New Orleans two days after the Super Bowl, win or lose. Ah, it also doesn't hurt that it's in the heart of Mardi Gras  (wwl.com)	(88)
(Spinner)		Never before released Jimi Hendrix song: "Valley of Neptunes" available here, just to remind everybody how much rock music sucks these days (audio link in article)  (spinner.ca)	(58)
		What happens when every member of the university orchestra is given four weeks to learn a new instrument and play Canon in D for a charity concert? Try sitting through an earthquake in a china store  (youtube.com)	(44)

		Police officer witnesses man on fire, leaps into action by spraying him down liberally with an industrial-sized can of pepper spray  (oregonlive.com)	(138)
(Some Guy)		Obama proposes a tax credit to families where at least one parent works. The Family Research Council has a problem with that  (frc.org)	(226)
		Let me make this perfectly clear: We can't afford to lose any more jobs. (Unless you're in the student loan industry. Then you're screwed.)  (deceiver.com)	(118)
		We have a new leader in the "Most Vapid Sideline Bimbo" standings  (deadspin.com)	(123)
		Man seen hugging and kissing a chicken. At least he wasn't choking it  (abcnews.go.com)	(70)
		Argentina's president says pork leads to porking  (news.yahoo.com)	(79)
		It was clear from Sam Alito's confirmation hearing and his record of appellate opinions that he is a dogmatic, state-revering, right-wing judge. But last night, he unmasked himself as a politicized and intemperate Republican as well  (salon.com)	(477)
		Construction worker dies after Forth bridge fall. You'd think he'd have learned his lesson after the first three    (news.bbc.co.uk)	(86)
(treehugger.com)		Scientists who don't see many movies create venus fly trap that feeds on nuclear waste  (treehugger.com)	(36)
		Country club voting on whether to allow turbans to be worn on their premises after Sikh community leader was refused entry to a party given there in his honor  (nzherald.co.nz)	(112)

(journal times)		Some reporter: "You've just been released after 28 years in jail for shooting the pope. What are your plans?" Mehmet Ali Agca: "Well, I'd really like to see the Vatican."  (journaltimes.com)	(37)
		Marvel announces they are leaving grim superhero stories behind and returning to swashbuckling early comic books. New owner Mickey Mouse cackles approvingly  (usatoday.com)	(100)
		Oh, my. Excerpts from the book by John Edwards' staffer: "Edwards would confide in him about how he thought about leaving 'crazy' Elizabeth, but how she plays better with American voters than he"  (blogs.wsj.com)	(146)
		Iowa looks into tighter regulation of Everclear - Which of course leads to higher sales of Everclear  (chicagotribune.com)	(172)
(WPBF.COM)		What do burglars do after leaving a getaway vehicle: a) split up; b) take off in another vehicle; or c) sleep in a parked Jaguar nearby?  (wpbf.com)	(16)
		The Saints' victory last Sunday leaves only four teams that have never reached a Super Bowl. Yes, the Detroit Lions are one of those four  (content.usatoday.com)	(87)
		Man fleeing police leaps through third story window, bounces off awning, hits ground running, runs until he has them where he wants them, turns around and draws sword to take on 20 officers with guns drawn  (bostonherald.com)	(116)
		Alabama's anti-gambling task force leader wins a Jackpot in Mississippi and resigns. Then things get weird  (deceiver.com)	(74)
		What was it like to be in the Superdome when the New Orleans Saints won the NFC Championship? Here you go  (youtube.com)	(86)

		Meter maids will ticket you if, while legally parked, you leave evidence of your habit of illegally parking  (dailymail.co.uk)	(102)
		If New Orleans loses the Super Bowl, they will send jazz CDs and Mardi Gras cakes to Indianapolis. Should the Colts lose, they will send what Indiana is known best for: Shrimp Cocktail  (indystar.com)	(146)
(Some Indie Film Geek)		Movie about Muslim punk rockers premieres at Sundance. Lead singer in a burqa? You got it  (sundance.bside.com)	(54)
		Salvador Cabanas, leading striker for Paraguay and Club America, in critical but stable condition after shooting. Proving once again that soccer is still a bloodsport  (latimes.com)	(17)
(OC Register)		Radiation machine errors leading to major fallout  (taxdollars.freedomblogging.com)	(63)
		NY Times to Obama: Forget Massachusetts. Forget the polls. Forget your nervous party colleagues in the Senate. Shove that health care reform into law like spinach into a recalcitrant toddler's mouth  (nytimes.com)	(217)
		Hue Jackson becomes offensive coordinator for Oakland, will try to get JaMarcus Russell to learn by poking him with his adamantium claws    (sports.espn.go.com)	(14)
(BoxOfficeMojo)		Avatar is the new leader in all time box office, but that's a cheap measure. Here's the real list: top movies all time in tickets sold  (boxofficemojo.com)	(138)
		Thanks to anti-intellectualism in the US, China will soon be the world leader in scientific research  (telegraph.co.uk)	(166)
		TotalFarker Bufu died over the weekend. Please raise a glass of the finest bourbon you can find. Better if you can do it from a hot tub or with your dog. LGT TF'er profile  (fark.com)	(697)
		Kinky sadomasochist or leader of the Catholic Church? Both  (news.yahoo.com)	(94)
(TV Squad)		The president is black, the New Orleans Saints are in the Super Bowl, and the History Channel just gave Larry the Cable Guy a TV show. We are through the looking glass here, people  (tvsquad.com)	(90)
		Two crocodiles, named Paleo and Suchus, have been taught to listen for their names being called. This could come in handy; for instance: "Please let go of my leg, Paleo" or "No, no, Suchus, you're mangling my arm"  (telegraph.co.uk)	(32)
		Girls learn to suck at math from teachers who suck at math  (abcnews.go.com)	(120)
		Nancy Grace asked a judge to seal her videotaped pretrial deposition. Is worried that a media leak would result in the manipulation of her testimony via a "cut and splice" job. Hey, she would know about such things  (thesmokinggun.com)	(185)

(538)		When you're the Senate Majority Leader and the most optimistic scenario shows you with a 17% chance of survival, you are some kind of screwed  (fivethirtyeight.com)	(147)
		Your honor, if the FBI had warned me I was a suspect I would have told more convincing lies so could I have a do-over please?  (bostonherald.com)	(28)
		"USA Today fully embraces social media and the opportunities it presents as evidenced by our... partnership with leading social media news sites like Fark." You hear that? WE'RE EMBRACED (third paragraph in the article)  (examiner.com)	(4)
		Governments should prepare for the worst if aliens visit Earth because beings from outer space are likely to be just like humans, says leading scientist  (guardian.co.uk)	(236)

		BBC reports that haggis may soon be coming to the U.S., but it's unclear as to what this entrails  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(132)
		Dear George Lucas: For the love of all that is Holy, would you please stop farking around with the original trilogy already?  (dailymail.co.uk)	(279)
		Researchers discover high amounts of lead in handbags made fom PVC. Which just happens to be the same material used to create water pipes in newer homes  (abcnews.go.com)	(124)
		Will the Jets make the Colts regret sitting their starters? Will 40-year old Brett Favre lead the Vikings back to the Super Bowl? Will Breesus save us all? It's your AFC & NFC Championship Game thread (3:00pm ET CBS, 6:40pm ET FOX)  (sports.espn.go.com)	(lots)
		Urban Meyer will not take a leave of absence, proving that Tim Tebow really does have healing powers  (blogs.ajc.com)	(31)

		Ben Bernanke just got nominated to lean into the strike zone and take one for the team  (meganmcardle.theatlantic.com)	(95)
(Some Guy)		The rules of Pi Phi's dress code are very simple: no muffin tops, no camel toes, no tacky, cheapo pleather  (fashionista.com)	(172)
(Some Guy)		Andy Dick arrested in West Virginia on two felony counts of sexual abuse, leaving many to wonder, what the hell was he doing in West Virginia?  (herald-dispatch.com)	(194)
		Woman arrested with a .708 BAC in December stumbles into court, pleads guilty, then orders a round for the courtroom  (azcentral.com)	(62)
		Peter King picks the New Orleans Saints over the Minnesota Favres  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(101)
		Just so we're clear: If you want to get rid of your fetus by going to a clinic, half the country will rally to your cause. But if you try to do it yourself, you'll be charged with feticide  (wcco.com)	(97)

(Some Sparrow)		Johnny Depp rarely leaves his home. Yeah, if I looked like that, I probably wouldn't either  (digitalspy.co.uk)	(65)
		NBC paid Conan $32 million to leave. But that's better than the $150 million it would have cost to dump Leno. Who the hell is negotiating contracts over there, the Pants on the Ground Guy?  (nypost.com)	(77)
		In the mid 80's, scientists transmitted the sounds of vaginal contractions towards neighbouring star systems. It is unclear what sort of reply we should expect, but it's sure to come hard and fast    (newscientist.com)	(64)
		"I told the manager there were 14 very dangerous metal forks on my table that had been unsupervised for at least two hours," reported John "Meat Tooth" Freeman  (foxnews.com)	(92)
		"Joaquin Phoenix's Unreleased Album Is 'Brilliant' "  (huffingtonpost.com)	(19)
		Colbert challenges speed skater Shani Davis to a race for the last slot on the US Olympic team. And kicks his ass (in the racing outfit department, at least)  (colbertnation.com)	(69)
(NME)		The White Stripes to release first official live album which will come with a DVD, because if you can't see Meg White's curvy figure beat that drum kit, what's the point, really?  (nme.com)	(121)
		Georges Laraque released by Montreal Canadiens, Jay Leno expected to take his spot  (edmontonsun.com)	(41)
		Unemployed British woman sets world record by collecting 12,113 different Pokemon items. She plans to celebrate the achievement with the boyfriend she clearly doesn't have  (breitbart.com)	(92)
		If you're going to leave your dog with a pet sitter, make sure the guy is not going to perform some bizarro surgery on him with dental floss and glue  (wtsp.com)	(77)
(Some Guy)		Brett Favre is a game away from leading the Vikings to a Super Bowl, Ted Kennedy's Senate seat now belongs to a Republican, and Jon Stewart just utterly thrashed Keith Olbermann. We are through the looking-glass here, people  (videos.mediaite.com)	(189)
		Health care reform teeters on the brink of collapse as Democratic leaders discover that there's no way to appease the left wing and assuage the fears of centrists after the Massachusetts election  (politico.com)	(186)
		New Orleans' Prytania Theater is booked to show Oscar-nominated director Jane Campion's "Bright Star" the same day as the Saints' NFC Championship Game against the Vikings. Solution? Fark Jane Campion  (nola.com)	(34)

		President Obama blasts Supreme Court decision, saying the campaign finance ruling will lead to a "stampede of special interest money, " failing to add, "from groups that don't support me"  (breitbart.com)	(327)
		Tea Party leader arrested for raping a 7-year-old girl. Search of his house finds M-203 grenade launcher and, uh ... Wolverines?  (crooksandliars.com)	(696)
		"Many people would be surprised to learn that the US already has a strong cricketing heritage."  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(61)
		Say hello to the All-American Basketball Alliance, a professional basketball league where "Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league."  (ta-nehisicoates.theatlantic.com)	(106)
		President Obama unleashes his secret weapon: The Volckernator. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until all the bankers are dead  (nytimes.com)	(115)
(pop Crunch)		Heidi Montag: "I put every dollar I have into this. I've spent over $1 million, almost $2 million, on this album. It's cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album." Copies sold in its first week of release: 658  (popcrunch.com)	(124)

(KCTV 5)		Three teens involved in car wash robbery figured they'd clean up by just polishing off the victim, but two ended up getting waxed themselves and eventually had to throw in the towel  (kctv5.com)	(79)
		After Brown win, MSM decides it might be worth doing more to understand the Tea Party movement than just reading the most recent DNC press release  (weeklystandard.com)	(271)
(colorlines.com)		Police in New Orleans now enforcing "unnatural copulation law" guaranteeing this year's Mardi Gras will be a surefire hit  (colorlines.com)	(215)
		Keith Olbermann goes full retard, says Brown voters were just releasing their inner racists: "Is this vote to any degree just a euphemism the way state's rights was in the 60s?"  (hotair.com)	(281)
(azfamily.com)		Could somebody please explain to me how this global warming is supposed to work again because there's currently a blizzard watch for southern Arizona  (azfamily.com)	(534)
		First shipment of "highly radioactive waste" leaving UK bound for Japan. The Japanese deny any allegations that it will be used in experiments on Monster Island  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(36)
		UConn Coach Jim Calhoun taking indefinite medical leave due to stre...I mean the Huskies sucking this year  (courant.com)	(23)
		Subby shocked to learn that his 18 year old nubile, pneumatic, nymphomaniac, broadminded Swedish cheerleader on-line girlfriend may not be who he actually says he is  (news.com.au)	(126)
		On Friday, Conan O'Brien will leave the Tonight Show for good. Here's video of the last time someone did that  (youtube.com)	(106)
		Enjoy your time on the beach and remember these few tips for your shore leave: the boat leaves at 7pm, Haitians speak French, and for God's sake don't wave food or water where they can see it....it will only make them angrier  (news.yahoo.com)	(205)
(Some Comic Geek)		A couple Siege titles, couple Blackest Night, and RASL out of nowhere. New comics released January 20th  (downtowncomics.com)	(44)
		If it wasn't clear before, it is now: David Letterman hates Jay Leno (Tuesday's video clip recap)  (tv.gawker.com)	(258)
		Shaq becomes fifth NBA player to reach 28,000 career points, infinite wisdom. "I've missed like 5,000 free throws. If I had at least hit half of those, I'd be at 30,000 right now" "  (sports.yahoo.com)	(70)
(The Pulse)		Hospital decides to lead by example by hiring only healthy people, will employ only vegetarians with low cholesterol, blood pressure and body fat index. Just kidding, they're singling out those evil smokers  (chattanoogapulse.com)	(331)

		If you were murdered would you please contact the Calgary police, they would like a word with you  (cnews.canoe.ca)	(33)
		Jeff Beck's first new album in seven years, Emotion Commotion, will be released on April 13th, meaning there will be at least one CD worth buying that month  (rollingstone.com)	(40)
		Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig may be waddling into court over misleading ads  (msnbc.msn.com)	(62)
		Mystery visitor fails to leave roses on Edgar Allen Poe's grave for his birthday for the first time in 60 years. Nevermore?  (news.yahoo.com)	(109)
(news tribune)		"Good QBs don't grow on trees" Just ask Leaf  (thenewstribune.com)	(35)
		Playoffs are nice, but the San Diego Chargers have just decided they don't want to advance to the Super Bowl until at least 2014  (msn.foxsports.com)	(115)
		Jay Leno says Conan's show "wasn't doing well". Maybe that's because his lead-in sucked, Jay  (tv.gawker.com)	(231)
(Some Guy)		More and more couples are seeking therapy because one of them is going green. "The danger arises when one partner undergoes an environmental 'waking up' process way before the other, leaving a new values gap between them"  (mnn.com)	(322)
		Clearly, Tony Stark is a major alcoholic, because there's no other explanation for the sheer number of ridiculous Iron Man armors he's had over the years  (io9.com)	(99)

		Love: giving her flowers. True love: cleaning the house while she gets a massage with friends. Let It Go, Man, She's Gone: Googling her name 40,000 times, breaking into her car, getting sent to jail  (dailymail.co.uk)	(91)
		China follows up on Google's gmail-hackery-hissy-fit with a hearty "F*ck You Very Much, We'll Hack Whomever's Account We Please"  (msnbc.msn.com)	(115)
(Some Guy)		If you murder your maid in the bathroom and no one is around to clean up after you, then how long will it take before she is found?  (mmail.com.my)	(52)
		Piñera wins Chilean presidency, promises smaller government and delicious pastries/coffee  (ft.com)	(35)
		Illinois becoming leader in wind energy, mostly due to all the hot air coming out of Chicago  (upi.com)	(72)
		Old and busted: placing bouquets of flowers at a grave site. New hotness: Leaving a severed head to gaily adorn your recently departed crime-boss' crypt  (earthtimes.org)	(60)
		Leading heart surgeon, presumably dead inside, wants to ban butter to protect the nation's health. Could bacon be next?  (dailymail.co.uk)	(232)
		Jim Cramer says a Scott Brown win will lead to a giant stock market rally, and if you can't trust the guy who told you to buy Bear Stearns, who can you trust?  (newsbusters.org)	(146)

		SHMHC remembers the 80's. Big hair. Red leather pants. Purple fringe. Bandana wristbands. And Ronnie James Dio at his best. Live at the Spectrum, 1984 ~ "The Mob Rules"  (youtube.com)	(118)
		What Obama really means when he uses his favorite phrase, "Let me be clear."  (washingtonpost.com)	(115)
		High school student expelled for bird hunting before school, leaving his rifle in his truck that he parked off-campus  (news10.net)	(374)
		Cindy Sheehan leads protest, she says using drones is "cowardly" and "immoral." At this point grief counseling or a nice big cup of STFU is in order  (hosted.ap.org)	(497)
		Caption this pleased Pelosi  (online.wsj.com)	(89)
		Utah senate's Republican majority leader, who's father was killed by a drunk driver, and is a Mormon which means no alcohol, and sponsored drunk driving legislation gets arrested for...(I'll give you one guess)  (sltrib.com)	(147)

(Some Guy)		Free to a good home: one eight-foot grizzly with compulsive self-pleasure habit, one automated pimp, and one sharp-tongued miniature Pinscher  (thrfeed.com)	(93)
		Please take a molement to read the DailyKos Saturday hate mail bag  (dailykos.com)	(90)
		Blue Cheer song that isn't 'Summertime Blues' for once: "Doctor, Please" from '68 Vincebus Eruptum  (youtube.com)	(14)
		Ladies, learn how to knit your own Wonder Woman sweater. Oh, who am I kidding; it's going to be lonely male virgins who need something new for their Real Dolls  (io9.com)	(19)
		Arizona-New Orleans. Baltimore-Indianapolis. Settle down and order in, it is time for your Divisional Playoffs thread  (sports-ak.espn.go.com)	(¾)
		Remember last week when Seattle offered Tony Dungy the job of team president? Reports now indicate that it was "clear tampering" since he is still under contract with the Colts  (indystar.com)	(21)

		Two hunters try to quack into America's only nuclear weapons assembly and disassembly plant, hilarity enthues  (telegraph.co.uk)	(64)
		For the New Orleans Saints, the Deuce is once again on the loose  (content.usatoday.com)	(32)
		Germans need to clean up their toxic Asse dump according to their environment minister, Cartman's Mom  (thelocal.de)	(22)
		Karl Rove: Americans learned last year that President Obama discards campaign promises like most people discard used Kleenex  (online.wsj.com)	(213)
		Police cancel China's first gay pageant, leaving Hung hanging  (timesonline.co.uk)	(49)
		If you have dirty balls that need cleaning call now and get a free detailer (sfw)  (youtube.com)	(15)
		Gilbert Arenas reaches plea deal on felony gun charges, apparently avoiding jail time or even a conversation with Plaxico Burress  (sports.espn.go.com)	(24)
		Both Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson are learning that there IS actually a limit to how stupid and/or hateful you can be to victims of a tragedy before everyone starts calling you out as a dick  (news.yahoo.com)	(871)
		Man impersonates baseball player in order to steal car. Police forced to release him when it's shown he claimed to be member of Chicago Cubs, which falls outside of MLB jurisdiction  (sltrib.com)	(12)

		In 1992, amidst declining "Tonight Show" ratings, Jay Leno said he'd leave NBC if they moved his show to 12:30 or gave his job to somebody else  (nytimes.com)	(74)
		Legendary New Orleans composer Allen Toussaint is 72, so here's the finest piano instrumental version of "I'll Be There" you are ever going to hear  (youtube.com)	(18)
		What's the purpose of going to a park if you can no longer smoke, spit, use flammable liquids, leave backpacks unattended, block the entrances, display abusive or harassing behavior, or post signs without permission?  (seattletimes.nwsource.com)	(183)
(NME)		Frontman for The Strokes says the band's "heart wasn't into new material," so he'll release a solo album, hopefully putting an end to these hipster one-hit wonders once and for all  (nme.com)	(27)
		Welcome to scenic New Hampshire, your winter vacation destination. Please don't breathe the air  (news.bostonherald.com)	(20)
		If you're going to do something conspicuous like follow your girlfriend into the ladies room to help her out of her trousers because she just varnished her nails, leave your weed behind  (lep.co.uk)	(26)
		Johnny Cash's final album in his "American" series to be released in February, but he'll always be around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around, and around  (blogs.chron.com)	(10)
		Attention, Firefly fans: Titan Books is releasing an anthology collection of original, authorized stories sometime later this year. That is, assuming it doesn't get canceled  (io9.com)	(35)
		Coldplay sued by yet another musician who claims they have stolen three of his songs. Please form an orderly queue behind Joe Satriani and Cat Stevens  (tmz.com)	(16)
		New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton wins his second Coach of the Year award and fourth straight Lee Harvey Oswald lookalike contest  (espn.go.com)	(37)

		Scientists say that "safe" cocaine use still leads to tragic consequences, such as death, permanent impairment, and Mrs. Doubtfire  (news.yahoo.com)	(121)
		The GOP finds their "Obama". A first term Senator with no real experience or leadership history.... this should end well  (news.yahoo.com)	(202)
		NYC man invents way to finally win an argument with your wife. Turn around and take a running leap off a 16th floor balcony  (nypost.com)	(116)
		In response to Google's threats of pulling out of China. The Chinese Government has blocked Wired.com. That'll learn em'  (wired.com)	(53)
		American aid worker trapped in the rubble of her house after the Haitian earthquake has been saved-by her husband. Which means he can leave his dirty socks anywhere he damn well pleases from now on  (abcnews.go.com)	(176)
		Al Qaeda #2 in Yemen leader is dead. Long live #2  (cnn.com)	(89)
(NBC Sports)		Recently canned Seattle Seahawks coach Jim Mora has a few pleasant on-air words for incoming coach Pete Carroll. And by "pleasant", I mean that he calls him a cheater (with video)  (profootballtalk.nbcsports.com)	(33)
(SFFMedia.com)		MGM decide the next Bond film and the "Robocop" remake must be in 3D. Hope to make at least $1.3 billion for each just like "Avatar"  (sffmedia.com)	(80)
		Tennessee recruits enroll early for Spring semester, find out meeting with head coach Lane Kiffin is cancelled because he's leaving for USC. Bonus: You have to sit out a year if you go elsewhere  (charlotteobserver.com)	(109)
		Bud Selig: "The so-called steroid era is clearly a thing of the past"  (nytimes.com)	(78)
		On my left (link), to my right (comments), this is "My Paradise" by the Outfield. Not only is hearing a lost power-pop classic its own reward, but they threw in a hot brunette for our viewing pleasure  (youtube.com)	(53)
		Legendary jazz drummer Art Blakey with the Jazz Messengers spend A Night in Tunisia with trumpeter Wayne Shorter taking the lead on trumpet (with some backing cowbell)  (youtube.com)	(13)
		Magician David Copperfield cleared in rape investigation. Now you semen, now you don't    (ajc.com)	(27)

		Nintendo won't release the new Zelda game until it's "perfect"  (g4tv.com)	(203)
(News-Leader)		"It wasn't immediately clear whether the robbery suspect took the sandwich"  (news-leader.com)	(19)
		Conan O'Brien releases statement saying he will not take any lip from Leno's chin    (mediadecoder.blogs.nytimes.com)	(865)
(Some Guy)		"(N)ot only unique but superior," that its citizens are "a chosen people, divinely ordained to lead the world to betterment... " Nazi Germany? Imperial Japan? No, try Texas  (texastribune.org)	(142)
		Jews are only 0.2 percent of the world population, but make up large percentages of Nobel prize winners, chess champions, world leader puppeteers  (nytimes.com)	(426)
		Reality show dimwit Heidi Montag releases a CD entitled "You Get Dumber By Listening to This"  (people.com)	(26)
		Going without sex may help relationships, or at least help foster new ones  (clickorlando.com)	(434)
		Forty years ago today, Led Zeppelin I was released. Here's the lead track, "Good Times Bad Times"  (youtube.com)	(88)
(The Killer Hockey League)		A sucker punch leads to Jaromir Jagr fighting, 691 penalty minutes being doled out, and the game being called off due to the lack of any more eligible players - all within the fist four minutes. The Aristocrats  (nymag.com)	(45)
		Next up for the Nanny State: you can be sued if you try to clear the ice from your property  (telegraph.co.uk)	(110)
		Wife rewires her husbands power tools so they will electrocute him because he is leaving her. I'm not sure "you're doing it wrong" fully covers the fail in that  (accessatlanta.com)	(205)
		Unfamiliar with the term, Snow Patrol lead singer says he will form a supergroup  (contactmusic.com)	(32)
		Oprah appears in a "Fur free and fabulous" PETA ad - wearing a leather skirt. Ironic tag used to boost post count  (deceiver.com)	(76)

		China's one-child policy has created 24 million men who will never have a shot at finding a Chinese wife. It's not clear if this is a good thing or a bad thing  (telegraph.co.uk)	(274)
(Some Guy)		"Norway Time Hole 'Leak' Plunges Northern Hemisphere Into Chaos." Oh goody  (daily.pk)	(258)
		"The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn" may start filming this fall with a CG baby vampire/human as a main character. Will still have a wooden Kristen Stewart as the lead  (cinematical.com)	(72)
		Little League adds new age division for 13-year-olds featuring transitional field dimensions that the 14-year-olds can get used to before these 15-year-olds move on to regulation-size fields  (abcnews.go.com)	(26)
		Tea Party leader unleashes the history-altering powers of MS Paint  (tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(525)
		Source says Conan O'Brien is ready to leave NBC, has already spoken to FOX about a new show  (foxnews.com)	(106)
		Having been pounded by the Cowboys, the Eagles may trade Donovan McNabb in order to get some defensive players who could at least stop an offense of grandmas and toddlers  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(120)
		MTV apologizes for Lada Gaga swearing, but not for unleashing her upon us in the first place  (contactmusic.com)	(100)
		Not News: Politician takes leave due to allegations of sexual impropriety. News: With his wife  (online.wsj.com)	(63)
		Google Earth finds El Dorado. Whereabouts of Golden Condor still unclear  (timesonline.co.uk)	(146)
		Human League head back to the studio to record their first new album in nine years. It's nice to know we'll have some good 80s nostalgia this year  (contactmusic.com)	(45)
		Patti Smith releasing an autobiography. Man, I loved her in Scandal  (rollingstone.com)	(32)
		Honey, it's cold in here. Could you please put the grill in the living room and fire it up?  (tampabay.com)	(113)

		The recent Arctic front has had an effect on bass. Les Claypool, Flea and Geddy Lee are taking extra precautions, but the White Stripes and the surviving members of the Doors have barely noticed  (statesman.com)	(20)
		Other than New Orleans, no US cities were destroyed under Bush  (dailykos.com)	(654)
		Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd, New Order, Coldplay and David Bowie get their own stamps. If you lick the Rolling Stones one, you can't drive or operate heavy machinery for at least two days    (rollingstone.com)	(28)
		"Clash of the Titans" to feature music by Massive Attack, because when releasing the Kraken, one automatically thinks dated, sterile trip hop from Bristol  (slashfilm.com)	(62)
		"Avatar" wins its fourth weekend in a row, becoming the highest-grossing movie released in 2009, crushing newcomer "Daybreakers." Further proof that more Americans prefer their sci-fi good and their vampires sparkly and pale  (blogs.wsj.com)	(468)
		Michael Steele thinks it would be best for everyone if Reid would just step down as Senate Leader, and go away, and stop doing stuff  (washingtonpost.com)	(149)
		Cowabunga, dude. That cartoon you stopped watching years ago when it stopped being funny celebrates 20 years with the elimination of free doughnuts at the nuclear power plant. D'oh  (washingtonpost.com)	(133)
(Fosters.com)		Dear God, If you don't want to have the church painted, please give me a sign. Amen  (fosters.com)	(42)
		Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, and Kris Kristofferson play City of New Orleans live  (youtube.com)	(21)
		A father/son alement came to a head and a tap out over a Falcon, may have left them too Busched to draught a dynastic defense, but at least there are still Buds  (stltoday.com)	(13)

(Troy Messenger)		If anybody can make hide or hair out of this story, please post to the right  (troymessenger.com)	(182)
(bullsradio.org)		News: USF releases report on the alleged assault of a player by then head coach Jim Leavitt. Fark: The blacked-out list of player witnesses can be seen by copying and pasting into notepad  (bullsradio.org)	(36)
		Where's the outrage from Muslim leaders? Oh. Here it is. Um, thanks  (dailykos.com)	(149)
		The latest politician to release a formal "Shut up Dick Cheney, you cock" would be the ranking member of the Foreign Relations Committee, Republican Senator Richard Lugar  (news.yahoo.com)	(112)
		If you had dirt on a celebrity, would you try to sell it? Subby has video of Drew drinking *in public*. Cash offers only, please  (cbsnews.com)	(17)
(FrontPage)		Foreign criminals be warned: if you commit a serious crime in Norway, you'll never escape the lifetime of free pension, welfare, and health insurance they'll hand you upon your release  (frontpagemag.com)	(111)

		Giuliani clarifies his "no terrorist attacks under the Bush administration" by saying he "clearly was referring to the time after 9/11"  (blogs.abcnews.com)	(378)
		Days after her lover's death, Tila Tequila is posing in skimpy outfits, showing off her cleavage, posting bizarre internet messages, and trying to cash in on the tragedy. Hey, we all grieve differently  (dailymail.co.uk)	(83)
(Some Guy)		Activists Missing After Declaring "War on Leather" at Motorcycle Rally  (glossynews.com)	(141)
		For every mad scientist waiting for a thunderstorm, there are at least a dozen math nerds in a lab creating what they consider "the most beautiful math structure ever"  (newscientist.com)	(35)
(Drew)		Farkette Carrie Vaughn releases new book, getting the shaft from soon-to-be-former publisher  (fark.com)	(254)

(Pitchfork)		Jack White's third band to release new single. And you always thought a three-way couldn't suck  (pitchfork.com)	(52)
		Obama counterterrorism chief who remained on ski slopes after learning of Christmas Day Underwear Bomber may find it's all downhill from here  (foxnews.com)	(163)
		With the NY Giants missing the playoffs, Plaxico Burress gets denied work release from prison  (wcbs880.com)	(29)
		Lennar's back, baby: leaner, meaner, and making more money on poorly-built houses than ever before  (online.wsj.com)	(25)
		Balloon dad now claims that the claim that the stunt was a hoax was a hoax and that he claims he pled guilty to save his wife and can TLC do a documentary on that for him please?  (msnbc.msn.com)	(55)
		Four out of five detainees released from Gitmo don't go on to join militant groups  (news.yahoo.com)	(245)
		David Hasselhoff leaving America's Got Talent to spend more time with his cheeseburgers  (tvwatch.people.com)	(28)
		Cops press charges against Dad for puting his seven year old in dryer. Police claim the kid's tag clearly states dry clean only  (foxnews.com)	(46)
		Nagging your husband is not a crime - or at least that's what my wife tells me over and over and over again  (telegraph.co.uk)	(42)
		The Sweet perform their glam-rock hit Ballroom Blitz. No, Krokus did the cheesy-cool metal cover in the 1980s, and Tia Carrere covered it in Wayne's World, and someone ripped off STOMP with it on America's Got Talent. Lawn. Off. Please  (youtube.com)	(75)

		Netflix plans on making its subscribers wait up to a month before they can rent most new release DVD's. This should end well  (hosted.ap.org)	(121)
		Vampire Weekend wants you to preview their upcoming release. Farkers will hate it for numerous reasons, mostly because it has nothing to do with Pink Floyd  (npr.org)	(63)
(Popeater.com)		Gary Coleman rushed to hospital after reported petit mal seizure, will be released after short stay  (popeater.com)	(52)
		The Rise and Fall of the Democrat Party or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Carnage  (abcnews.go.com)	(149)
		Flea is launching his own line of affordable bass guitars. So, you too can play the same three chords and inexplicably rise to prominence in a middle of the road rock band  (contactmusic.com)	(158)
		Scientists discover that a good way to clean up old oil wells is to pour poop in them  (edmontonjournal.com)	(29)
		When learning the art of hypnosis, you should try to avoid practising in front of a mirror. W/pic of what you wouldn't expect a hypnotist to look like  (telegraph.co.uk)	(105)
		Sting's daughter Coco Sumner releases her first single. You may hate it, but her dad can still enjoy this song for hours after it's over  (youtube.com)	(44)
(Some Guy)		The coolest underwater nuclear explosion you will see ever  (neatorama.com)	(83)
		Thirty years ago today, The Clash released London Calling. They don't make them like this anymore  (music-mix.ew.com)	(95)
		Without a doubt, the finest Folk/Acoustic rendition of "Baby Got Back" that you'll ever hear (song lyrics probably Not safe for work...yet sound pleasing)  (youtube.com)	(36)
(wbns)		Police investigation finds that cop who pretended to have cancer so he could collect more then $20,000 and 600 hours of sick leave didn't commit any crimes. In other news, Subby has cancer. Donations to the right  (10tv.com)	(113)

(CO Spring Gazette)		In Colorado, a banjo is considered a deadly weapon, at least when you hit someone in the head with it. Otherwise, it's just a deadly instrument  (gazette.com)	(67)
(Some Guy)		Fans working on Duke Nukem Forever film. It will be released "when it's done"  (gamenewshq.com)	(22)
		After portraying Dracula, Saruman and Count Dooku, Sir Christopher Lee slips his studded leather vest, makes the devil's horn and releases his first metal album at 87  (guardian.co.uk)	(56)
		Dear Dad: Thanks for paying for my graduate school. I couldn't have done it without you, so please come to my graduation. But don't bring your skanky girlfriend. Kthxbai  (washingtonpost.com)	(345)
(Some Guy)		Some leave office and lead productive lives in the private sector, some get cited for stealing crackers  (fox8.com)	(44)
(Watertown Daily Times)		New York sewage company to begin treating local water supply to remove mercury released by mining operations. Subby's sure he read something like this in an Hg Wells short story years ago  (watertowndailytimes.com)	(127)
(WSB-TV)		Rules for arguing with your significant other: Don't call each other names, don't go to bed angry and don't let your argument lead police to your meth lab  (wsbtv.com)	(45)
(Some Channel 13 Guy)		Police then tried to pull him over, but he refused to stop, leading them on a chase of more than a half-mile with speeds topping out at 25 miles per hour  (wgme.com)	(43)
		Old and busted: Star blows up in runaway thermonuclear explosion. New hotness: Star blows up in runaway antimatter explosion  (sciencedaily.com)	(35)
		Police call a DUI foul on former NBA player Jayson Williams after his SUV leaves the travel lane and scores a slam dunk with a tree  (nypost.com)	(36)
		Security guards force 80-year-old man to return pocketknife to his car before entering courthouse. No one suggested leaving the gun there too  (tampabay.com)	(143)
		Legendary Chicago sportswriter Bill Gleason dead at 87, fondly remembered by frequent "Sportswriters on TV" sparring partner Rick Telander  (suntimes.com)	(26)
		Stocks to avoid like a back alley New Orleans hooker with leprosy  (finance.yahoo.com)	(37)
		The resurrection of Howard Dean might lead to Dean 2012. Progressives who wanted a public option said to comment "YEAAAAARGH"  (realclearpolitics.com)	(112)

(Some Guy)		Cake-licker pleads guilty to torte, shouldn't have stollen all that crêpe. Now going to prison, where his fate couldn't be cruller, but perhaps he'll turnover a new leaf  (timescolonist.com)	(42)
		One small step for man, one giant leap for man-on-fur-kind: the deleted scenes for Avatar will contain a full Na'vi on Na'vi sex scene, tails included  (slashfilm.com)	(80)
		Despite liberal attempts to marginalize the entire Tea Party movement, its leaders have always studiously avoided using extreme rhetoric tha-- oh crap  (dailykos.com)	(379)
		This just in: "Allowing the fewest shots on goal while launching the second-most shots in the league. Dangerous combo." Surprisingly, not Ric Romero reporting (your week 15 NHL Power Rankings)  (espn.go.com)	(62)
		AV Club presents 18 songs about hating radio, at least half of which you only know because of airplay on radio  (avclub.com)	(76)
		If you thought "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace" couldn't have been any worse, here are some deleted scenes featuring the original "Nuclear Man"  (youtube.com)	(48)
		Two Rams fans leap from the stands after 49'ers-Rams game. Suprisingly, this wasn't an act of suicide  (sports.espn.go.com)	(20)

		Dog leaps between 11-year old boy and charging cougar. Man's best friend indeed  (cbc.ca)	(177)
		You get arrested for drunk driving. Do you C) return to the police station after being released and go in guns blazing?  (news.cincinnati.com)	(71)
		New York Giants give up (at least) 41 points in a game. This is not a repeat...from last week  (espn.go.com)	(31)
		The flip side to "why did Indy pull their starters?": Patriot Wes Welker leaves game after knee injury in meaningless game  (sports.espn.go.com)	(74)
		Why Time didn't name Obama Man of the Year: buyer's remorse. "Very uncomfortable for those in the media who played the cheerleader for Mr. Obama, who skated by controversies that would have sunk other candidates"  (theglobeandmail.com)	(123)
		If one train leaves Istanbul travelling to Eskisehir at 60 miles per hour, and another train leaves Eskisehir travelling to Istanbul at 55 miles per hour, how long will it take the rescue crews to clear the tracks after they collide head on?  (edition.cnn.com)	(58)
		Gilbert Arenas admits that pulling a gun on a teammate in the locker room was "bad judgment". Whew... glad we got that cleared up. Move along, nothing to see here  (cbsnews.com)	(34)
(thesouthern.com)		Sheriff, family charged with "solicitation of murder for ire." Guess they were exasperated by the annoyance of drug trafficking charges and tried to pay someone to unleash the fury  (thesouthern.com)	(35)

		Sanctimonious vegetarians now want meat with their moral superiority. They are still better than you, but at least you can invite them to the BBQ  (newsweek.com)	(501)
		Consumer reporter outraged to learn that car dealers sometimes give less credit for trade-ins than they make reselling the car  (boston.com)	(60)
		You send us lead-painted toys, we send you 8,500 tons of used tires. It's the American way  (upi.com)	(45)
		Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper's suspension of Parliament has apparently upset at least a few people. Canadian Farkers click to the right, the rest of you move along and stop coveting our Tim Hortons  (upi.com)	(100)
		Ten technologies that will leave the biggest marks on 2010, or ten technologies that we will laugh about in five years  (washingtonpost.com)	(67)
		Up two points with four seconds to go, Sacramento reaches deep into their defensive playbook and pulls out the one where they leave Kobe Bryant wide open in three-point range  (nba.com)	(63)
		Now even the Leaning Tower is being outsourced to China  (dailymail.co.uk)	(29)
		Famous NFL player, sportscaster, and florist-guy Merlin Olsen, 69, sues NBC and everyone else in world, alleging asbestos exposure leading to mesothelioma  (tmz.com)	(38)
		While some teams are content to act like the geldings they are, New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees says he will not sit out Week 17 in order to preserve what would be the best single season pass completion percentage ever  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(72)

		In case you missed it, here are New Year's Eve pictures of Jennifer Lopez wearing a bodysuit . Goggles and eyebleach mandatory for viewing  (huffingtonpost.com)	(168)
		The health-care bill will lead to the reunification of the Soviet Union, the elimination of Israel, and the death of freedom for the entire world. It's not news, it's WorldNutDaily  (wnd.com)	(213)
		Did Americans get any healthier over the past decade? (please use your dialing wand to indicate your response)  (news.aol.com)	(76)
		Nebraska band can't travel to their bowl game tonight because of bad weather. High school band from Lincoln, already in San Diego, gets the call, has one day to learn fight song  (omaha.com)	(83)

		Cool: Nike releases "Air Max LeBron VII Low" shoe. Fail: It is in Knicks colors and sports a crude "I 3 NY" logo on the sole. Suck it, Cavs fans  (cleveland.com)	(53)
(Galileoscope)		If you've ever wanted to get into astronomy, now is a good time: the International Astronomical Union has produced a telescope that you can buy for $20. May you have clear skies  (galileoscope.org)	(71)
(nymag.com)		In today's episode of People Reading Way Too Much Into Things, we learn that 30 Rock hates the Philippines  (nymag.com)	(30)
		All dad wanted for Christmas was a Chub. "I learned from my grandpa to eat them like an ear of corn," Winter said. "You peel the skin back and just start eating."  (jsonline.com)	(104)
(Some Spinster)		Spin releases their forty best albums of 2009. The list starts with Kiss and just gets worse from there  (spin.com)	(76)
		Rosie O'Donnell is reportedly dating a mother of six. Well, at least you know she puts out  (nydailynews.com)	(47)
(Some Guy)		Safeway grocery store leaves their doors unlocked on Christmas by accident. Police find people shopping and leaving cash on the counter. No shoplifting or looting occured  (weaselzippers.net)	(155)
(All This Is That/Pablo Fanque)		Barack Obama is the man with the broom, cleaning up what the elephant left behind  (jackbrummet.blogspot.com)	(347)

		Senate hopeful Scott Brown implies JFK similarities in campaign ad. If elected, you can expect him to womanize, nearly start a nuclear war, then die and ultimately be thought of fondly regardless    (news.bostonherald.com)	(30)
		Mythbusters proove that Captain Kirk should leave the impromptu inventions to MacGyver  (dsc.discovery.com)	(67)
(Techflash)		If you're unemployed, perhaps you haven't learned proper answers for these questions: "What was your best McGuyver moment? How would you move Mount Fuji? How would you sell me eggnog in Florida in the summer?"  (techflash.com)	(108)
		Obama's probe of the 12/25 terrorist attack penetrates deep into the intelligence community; leaves CIA sore  (politico.com)	(57)
		Proving their relevance in today's world, McAfee releases results of in-house study concluding that 2010 will see continuing phishing and virus attacks  (news.cnet.com)	(81)
		AP reports that it is easier for athletes to gain admission to universities, cheerleader's pants  (sports.espn.go.com)	(147)
		Texas Tech boots Mike Leach through the uprights  (abcnews.go.com)	(669)
(NME)		The most-played song of the decade in Britain? Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars," which was released in 2006. At least it wasn't Coldplay  (nme.com)	(42)
		Come hungry. Leave drenched in water and flame retardant  (myfoxdc.com)	(32)
(Some Egghead)		NYC soup kitchen gets $1100 can of caviar to feed the downtrodden, now will learn which fortified wine might go with that  (dnainfo.com)	(234)
		Internal AIG emails released detailing the collapse of the firm: "LOL we're toast"  (washingtonpost.com)	(44)
		If you steal a diesel truck, it's probably not a good idea to fill it with unleaded gas and then call the police when it breaks down  (msnbc.msn.com)	(60)

		Teen nearly killed in mosh pit incident at a Thy Art is Murder concert. Since no one knows who the hell they are, it's not a big deal...but of course this leads to people wanting to ban mosh pits  (contactmusic.com)	(51)
(Movieline)		First Tyra Banks...now Comedy Central may axe The Jeff Dunham Show. Clearly we were all very good boys and girls this year  (movieline.com)	(175)
		Nelly offers a $10,000 reward for info leading to the arrest of whoever broke into his St. Louis home last month. The three people who were at home when it happened are ineligible, of course  (starpulse.com)	(16)
		Brett Favre doesn't lead Vikings to OT Victory. Peter King inconsolable  (espn.go.com)	(186)

		You may need to ease up on your indoor pot growing operation if you need so much energy it leaves your street in the dark. "The bulbs could hardly flicker"  (dailymail.co.uk)	(92)
		If your father tells you to make your own lunch, the obvious response is to hit him in the head with a candle holder. This of course leads to the drawing of pistols. Then things get strange. (mugshot goodness)  (tcpalm.com)	(60)
		Two former Guantanamo detainees released in 2007 were Al Qaeda leaders who planned the attempted bombing of NWA 253. Obvious tag in the hospital with third degree burns to its crotch  (abcnews.go.com)	(340)
		Well, at least Ryan Reynolds is going to look good as he's butchering the Green Lantern  (io9.com)	(73)
		The "48 Hours" producer accused of trying to blackmail David Letterman offers to plead guilty if the DA produces "8760 Hours"  (nypost.com)	(13)
		News: Celtics take their league-leading road record into L.A., lose on buzzer beater. Fark: To the Clippers  (nba.com)	(34)
		DC may be following in Marvel's footsteps again; it seems the Justice League movie is back on the schedule  (io9.com)	(84)
		Peter Gammons discusses why he left ESPN. Subby is at least grateful it doesn't involve Sean Salisbury and a cell phone  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(40)
		Ashlee Simpson forgets the name of the actor who plays the male lead opposite her character in "Chicago" during live TV interview; blames her drummer for the memory lapse    (starpulse.com)	(56)

(Some Guy)		Not News: Student punished for sneaking out of school. News: Student's punishment is standing outside in the cold. Fark: Principal goes drinking and leaves student to die  (chinadaily.com.cn)	(149)
		Moss grows fat on Jacksonville's defense. Don McLean claims he knew that, but it had too many syllables to fit into that verse of American Pie  (espn.go.com)	(21)
		"It isn't just that that no one has cut Obama any slack. World leaders seem to be taking pleasure in rebuffing him, disappointing him, even, in some cases, mocking him."  (slate.com)	(289)
		Rough decade for Florida: Elian Gonzalez, Dale Earnhardt, Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, Ted Williams' head, Terri Schiavo, boars castrated on the radio, Debra Lafave, (Headline is too long; keep it under 250 characters or so)  (tampabay.com)	(55)
		And lo, the Hand of Tebow reached forth and converted the retirement to an indefinite leave of absence. Yea verily    (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(67)

		Flying to suck even harder - new restrictions after Nigerian bomber include not leaving one's seat for the last hour of flight  (nytimes.com)	(599)
		If you take a penalty in Vancouver, please try to ingore the green, spandex-clad men next to the penalty box  (youtube.com)	(91)
		"Clearly the seas off southern Australia were a cradle for the evolution of a variety of tiny, weird whales that seem to have lived nowhere else" (w/pic of 25 million-year-old mud slurping dwarf whale)  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(44)

		"Imagine the outrage if any Republican President went on vacation during a recession and spent $4,000 a night on accommodations." Hey, at least Dubya's 77 visits to Crawford were rent-free, right?  (newsbusters.org)	(167)
		Investigation underway whether Washington Wizards Gilbert Arenas stored firearms in his locker against league rules. That's NBA rules, not NRA  (sports.espn.go.com)	(13)

		I-Mockery releases Santa Fu - a Christmas parody of the NES classic "Kung Fu"  (i-mockery.com)	(11)
		Garbage-removal company deals with billing disputes by blocking customers' driveways with dumpsters full of trash and leaving it there until they pay up  (upi.com)	(37)
(Phone News)		Motorola to release Android-based PDA for use on Nextel's aging iDen network, which is a little like buying a Bugatti to tow wet hay through a mudbog  (phonenews.com)	(20)
(Sky News / Record Online)		Pope decides to hold Christmas midnight mass at 10pm, leaving him more time for blackjack and hookers  (recordonline.com)	(69)
(Some Guy)		Vodak vs. Bourbon: Two boozes enter, one booze leaves  (psychcentral.com)	(231)
		Nation's most highly decorated soldier, who was awarded the Medal of Honor once and was nominated twice more and earned eight purple hearts, has passed away. Unclear if he went peacefully or if Death will be walking with a limp for a while  (abcnews.go.com)	(149)
		Someone leaves their bags of Christmas gifts on the subway you're riding on. Do you: A) Open the gifts and keep them B) Open the gifts and burn them C) Be a Christmas angel and track down the person who lost them  (wcbstv.com)	(77)

		Amtrak tempts fate and sends out a news release touting its efficiency in moving travelers during last weekend's major snowstorm in the Northeast. As many already know, fate doesn't like to be tempted  (nj.com)	(39)
		Duke Nukem (1996-2009) autopsy report finally released. Alien bastards elect George Broussard as Supreme Ruler of the Universe  (wired.com)	(86)
(Some Guy)		An in-depth look at the last decade for the Pittsburgh Pirates and, well...at least you have the Steelers and Penguins  (pittsburghlive.com)	(34)
(NME)		My Chemical Romance says that their new album was inspired by Blade Runner, Judas Priest, and a car. In other words, it's going to be a disjointed mess that will at the very least give you an out  (nme.com)	(20)
		Philadelphia Eagles award Micheal Vick with Ed Block Award for sportsmanship and courage. Team then leaves to go throw insults and batteries at Santa Claus  (content.usatoday.com)	(77)
		Problem: Hollywood puts out two dozen big-budget stankfests a year. Solution: The best straight-to-DVD releases of 2009. Warning: movie descriptions exceed fourth grade reading level (Sponsored link)  (ifc.com)	(76)
		Woman suprises her fiancee at the airport by showing up in a wedding gown with a justice of the peace and wedding party in tow. Apparently she wanted to lock him in before the jetlag had a chance to clear  (news.yahoo.com)	(84)
		Teabagger calls into CSPAN worried that he prayed James Inhofe to death. Someone is either really stupid or they just took the lead in the Troll of the Year voting  (dailykos.com)	(146)
		Simon Cowell is quitting American Idol. At least, according to his brother, who heard it from his cousin who heard it from his wife who overheard someone talking about it at 31 Flavors last night  (contactmusic.com)	(26)

		T.I. released from prison, sent to halfway house. T-Pain, T. Rex, and T'Pau unavailable for comment  (contactmusic.com)	(40)
		Leaked video shows Google's Nexus One phone running Android 2.1  (techeblog.com)	(49)
(Houston Press)		The dangers of Viagra: Septugenarian love triangle at nursing home leads to murder-suicide  (blogs.houstonpress.com)	(51)
		FBI release 300 page thriller novel  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(26)
		Returning players for the 2010 New York Yankees, please step forward. Not so fast, Melky Cabrera  (abcnews.go.com)	(72)
		Britney Spears would just like to make it absolutely clear that she doesn't eat squirrels, just in case you cared  (smh.com.au)	(38)
		Usually when buildings shake in San Diego it's because of earthquakes or military testing, but this time nobody knows what caused it (at least that's what the streetlights want you to think)  (signonsandiego.com)	(140)
		So a third quarter 35 point lead over the Sacramento Kings should be a lock to win, right? Not if you're the Chicago Bulls  (sacbee.com)	(56)

		Iranian nuke negotiator calls for a ban on nuclear weapons so "that Hiroshima is never repeated." Apparently Nagasaki getting nuked three days later doesn't count  (msnbc.msn.com)	(143)
		Michigan Attorney General Mike Cox has sued for the right to close off waterways leading to the Great Lakes to stop Asian Carp (with bonus pic of shocked and appalled fish)  (freep.com)	(186)
		Sacramento City Council learns that saying, "Yeah, sure, go ahead" to developers who want to build isn't exactly legal  (sacbee.com)	(65)
		Twitter has actually made a profit. No one is clear exactly how, but they did. Maybe it was volume  (theatlanticwire.com)	(31)
		Three years straight of being beaten by his betters has Michigan cornerback Donovan Warren leaving the RichRod sinking ship  (detnews.com)	(28)
		Least essential albums of 2009. U2, Bob Dylan and Beatles reissues strangely missing  (avclub.com)	(36)
		Philosophy professor concerned that the Simpsons may have affected the public's perception of nuclear power  (cbc.ca)	(150)
		Maine legislator leaves the GOP over health care reform, not her, no, not her either, it's.....some guy  (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(47)
		Ahmadinejad says that Iran's nuclear bomb plans are fake. Adds that if someone has genuine ones, they'd gladly make a deal  (abcnews.go.com)	(69)
		You still have a better chance of playing pick-up sticks with your butt cheeks than making your flight back east in time for Christmas, but at least now you won't have to spend 12 hours sitting in a stranded airplane doing it  (abcnews.go.com)	(114)
		Facebook now being blamed for breakdown of thousands of marriages each year: "The site was named in at least 20 per cent of divorce petitions in America this year"  (thesun.co.uk)	(168)
		Of the many ways to learn another language, rape never made my list  (telegraph.co.uk)	(140)
		Georgia flea market destroyed by fire. No deaths, but tens of dollars damage reported  (ajc.com)	(57)
(Some Guy)		An honest reading of the Constitution with an original understanding of the Founders and Ratifiers makes it quite clear that the federal government has no constitutional authority to override state laws on marijuana  (smirkingchimp.com)	(160)

(Some Kalamazooian)		Catholic school forces children to write Christmas letters to Jesus, not Santa, ensuring they learn what Christmas is all about  (mlive.com)	(316)
		Cincinnati Bengals help Baltimore Ravens clear M&T Bank Stadium of snow prior to Sunday's kickoff against Chicago  (chicagobreakingsports.com)	(48)
(Morning Star)		Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for reminding me that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states homosexuality to be an abomination. My question is, I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, what would be a good price for her?  (magic-city-news.com)	(858)
		Ten cities that missed the housing market, including such great places as Texarkana, TX/AR and the birthplace of Ryan Leaf  (realestate.yahoo.com)	(47)

(Waco Tribune)		Clean burning fuel from cow manure? You gotta be shiatting me  (wacotrib.com)	(27)
		Obama leaves global warming conference in a rush so he can get back to Washington before it gets hit by one of the biggest blizzards ever  (forbes.com)	(231)
		Lingerie Football League gets it's panties in a bunch, files briefs threatening to bustier players who let slip the league's dirty little secrets  (thesmokinggun.com)	(138)
		Shrek 4 trailer released to a thunderous yawn  (dailymail.co.uk)	(55)
		Man jailed for killing wife with TV remote. Large volume of pleas for leniency through the proper channels meet with muted response  (bbc.co.uk)	(74)
		"The Lingerie Football League season isn't over. And the Seattle Mist has some unfinished business to tend to"  (blog.seattlepi.com)	(50)
		Now clear your mind, and focus on the following image: Richard Branson in an Air Stewardess' uniform. You're welcome  (stuff.co.nz)	(12)
		Al Qaeda blasts away its 'glass ceiling' by officially clearing women to become suicide bombers  (abcnews.go.com)	(127)
(abc15.com)		Teacher takes students choiring, then treats them to lunch at Hooters, which leads to her early retirement. Busted  (abc15.com)	(221)
		Refusing to go on a junket because you are wary of suprise buttsecks and suggesting an obese colleague has an endorsement deal from Burger King is all part of the fun in the New Zealand parliament  (blogs.news.com.au)	(35)
(Some Gooooool)		Inter. Barca. Lyon. Arsenal. Your Champions League Last-16 Draw is here  (uefa.com)	(55)
(Spin Magazine)		John Frusciante couldn't play another song about California, leaves Red Hot Chili Peppers  (spin.com)	(76)

		This is what happens when you give a basement dweller a keytar. Please don't give basement dwellers keytars  (youtube.com)	(72)
		In honor of its 10-year anniversary, a fan releases a 70-minute video review of Star Wars Episode I, explaining why it's horrible  (slashfilm.com)	(293)
		'Green' vibrators promise sustainable pleasure. Article says nothing about emissions  (news.yahoo.com)	(146)
		The national debt has, "at least numerically," surpassed the new limit set by Congress just last week. "At least numerically"? Do we owe New Zealand a couple billion tons of sheep or something, too?  (cbsnews.com)	(165)
(Some Guy)		ProTip: When riding a bicycle drunk make sure you leave your obsolete thirft shop police jacket at home  (blogs.houstonpress.com)	(30)
		During a debate over domestic partner benefits, North Carolina official speaks of her adult son's death from AIDS. Her caring GOP colleague replies "Your son was a homo, really?"  (charlotteobserver.com)	(208)
		Star Trek stops women from becoming computer scientists, ensuring a galactic future more Janice Rand than Leah Brahms  (wired.com)	(388)
		Gloria Allred will be representing at least two of Tiger Woods' mistresses in what could soon become a class action suit  (guardian.co.uk)	(181)
		Caption these august world leaders  (denverpost.slideshowpro.com)	(84)
(Some Guy)		"We lost real health care reform not because we don't have a 'real' filibuster-proof majority in the Senate. We lost health care reform because we don't have a real leader anywhere in our party."  (americablog.com)	(305)

		GOP: Dems are playing politics by waiting to release TARP money until an election year. Dems: "We didn't create the recession, the Republicans did that" Nope, no politics here  (liveshots.blogs.foxnews.com)	(71)
(WWL)		Bob Griese says the Saints should lose at least one game so that they, um, will have a better shot at the Super Bowl. Yea, that's the ticket  (wwl.com)	(69)
		Charlize Theron has casting couch horror stories from when she first came to Hollywood at age 19. Oh, please, dear God, let there be pictures  (contactmusic.com)	(104)
(Some Ex)		Man wins lottery, does what most men only dream of doing. Sail away to some tropical island? No, leave wife, evict her from house  (justnews.com)	(258)
		"Please have a heart and donate...so I don't have to kill you and put your head on a pike"  (cracked.com)	(47)
		When the lead singer of a band who had one minor hit a decade or so ago refuses to join your group, you might just be Aerosmith  (3news.co.nz)	(81)
		British banks about to phase out checks. For you youngsters, checks are pieces of paper that people used to use to buy LP records, camera film and leaded gasoline  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(68)
(Some Guy)		Scientists say fate of 1845 Franklin Arctic expedition due to tins of British ox-cheek soup. Oh, and there was lead in it, too  (timescolonist.com)	(47)
		Bud Selig forms advisory committee to "analyze ways of improving Major League Baseball on the field." Oh, you mean like speeding up the game and expanding instant replay to overturn the umps? Wait...those ARE on the table  (sports.yahoo.com)	(144)
		Right wing blogs and climate skeptics backpedalling from claims about Gore being wrong about sea ice so fast that they're creating a new source of clean energy  (planetgore.nationalreview.com)	(827)

(Some Guy)		Farker releases 2009 version of the controllable Christmas lights. Sadly, the web design is still stuck in 1991  (komar.org)	(132)
(Some Guy)		Sarah Jessica Parker naked Christmas tree tradition may spark other and you've stopped reading this because you're trying to clean up the puke on your keyboard  (usmagazine.com)	(69)
		"So much for hell being unleashed." It's your Week 15, ESPN NFL Power Rankings  (espn.go.com)	(185)
		Drinking tea and coffee 'can prevent Type 2 diabetes'... 1 large Caramel Brulee Frappuccino Blended Crème whip, please  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(122)
(CRoB)		The rush to re-regulate ignores the reality that the least-regulated entities in the system--hedge funds--fared far better than the highly regulated entities like banks and insurance companies  (claremont.org)	(179)
		Dubai blew through their $10 billion allowance from Abu Dhabi in 24 hours. "More, please."  (bloomberg.com)	(54)
		"Up in the Air" and "Nine" lead in Golden Globe nominations with 6 and 5 respectively, which is pretty impressive considering, you know, neither one of them have been released yet  (cinematical.com)	(60)
		If you were stupid enough to buy both the theatrical release and extended versions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Warner Bros hopes you'll be stupid enough to do it again for the Blu-Ray versions in 2010 and 2011  (denofgeek.com)	(110)
(cinemablend.com)		Joss Whedon to release soundtrack based on commentary of DVD release of web-only miniseries musical. Fans hoping for pop-up book based on the soundtrack, and an interpretive dance series inspired by discarded script drafts  (cinemablend.com)	(39)
		Wells Fargo repays the U.S. government for their TRAP money. Unleash the Pinkertons  (marketwatch.com)	(54)
(Some Guy)		"Iraq finally opened its doors after six years of war, and instead of U.S. companies, you have Asians and Europeans leading the way"  (digitaljournal.com)	(336)
		Dallas Cowboys' experiment with showing the 2nd half of their game Sunday in 3D leaves fans nauseated and annoyed. Pretty much the same as if they'd watched the game in 2D, actually  (nfl.fanhouse.com)	(56)

(Some American Idiot)		Let's see, we've had Guitar Hero Aerosmith, Metallica, and Van Halen as well as The Beatles: Rock Band. So clearly, the next step in musical evolution is Green Day  (rttnews.com)	(130)
		Square Enix releases Final Fantasy XIII screenshots. JRPG nerds release in their pants  (blogs.forbes.com)	(241)
		30 year ago today, the only band that mattered released the greatest rock album of all time  (youtube.com)	(163)
		So, apparently Indiana has a football team; and that team broke the record 21 wins in a row yesterday. Boring, I know. Can we please get back to what the Saints and Vikings are doing?  (sports.yahoo.com)	(78)
		Three Americans who accidentally crossed into Iran will be tried. And not just becase Iran learned from N. Korea that you get great political concessions for convicting Americans and then negotiating their release  (msnbc.msn.com)	(221)
		It turns out that Iranian nuclear research might not be aimed solely at peaceful energy purposes after all  (washingtonpost.com)	(314)

		♫ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♫ Fa la la la la la la la la ♫ Tis the season to scratch a car & leave a note saying "Your $30,000 car isn't worth taking up 2 spaces" ♫ Fa la la la la la la la la  (mcall.com)	(492)
		Canada prepares to pull out military out of Afghanistan at end of 2011, agonizes about whether to airlift the rifle home or just leave it there  (nationalpost.com)	(181)
(Some Guy)		Jefferson Parish in New Orleans flooded as levee pumps fail to keep up with deluge of water, sparking new round of furious demands that Bush resign  (wdsu.com)	(137)

		Just 30 short years ago, the US and the USSR were toe to toe and ready to slug it out with nuclear weapons. Here is a documentary describing how the US viewed the possibility of a Soviet First Strike  (youtube.com)	(111)
		Dear Congressman, your office is too inconveniently located for us to protest at. Please move it to a better location so we can more easily call you a Marxist. Sincerely yours, teabaggers  (thehill.com)	(74)
(Some Guy)		Not to be out done by her colleages, Alini Brito and Cindy Mauro, a third teachers ups the ante by sleeping with a student. (w/ hell yes you would pic)  (truecrimereport.com)	(106)
		Country might suck these days, but at least there's still hellbilly Hank Williams III around, who turns 37 today. Here's "Country Heroes" live  (youtube.com)	(59)
		"Children see that ad and they think we'd better leave beer for Santa instead of cookies and milk. I don't approve of it"  (torontosun.com)	(81)
(Some Guy)		DUI suspect at hospital for BAC test gets bored, decides that stealing an ambulance and leading cops on a 50 mile chase would be more fun. w/ yeah, you'd drunkenly hit it mugshot  (ktul.com)	(82)
		At least upcoming "Buck Rogers" remake won't be a Frank Miller overbloated mess with ridiculous dialogues  (io9.com)	(43)
		The Ecclesiastical Insurance Carol Singing Guide would like to remind you that, as you spread your holiday message of good tidings and cheer, you should not sing in the middle of the street and, please, try to avoid setting yourself on fire  (telegraph.co.uk)	(12)
		CD released by obscure, overrated, overly derivative indie band adored by hipsters tops list of 2009's Best Album. No, not that band. That other one. No, not the English one, the American one. No, guess again. Yeah. Those guys. They suck  (abcnews.go.com)	(113)
		Well at least they didn't make him shovel out the Taun Taun pen  (youtube.com)	(21)

		Obama's own HHS actuaries warn that Senate health care bill won't cut costs, may lead to cuts in Medicare services, will cause an "insurance death spiral"  (google.com)	(289)
		First ever Peeps store opens. "They manage to straddle the world between cute and horrible. You can look into their black beady eyes and see your childhood, or the bleakness of the soul."  (latimes.com)	(73)
(WCNC)		Taco truck dumps load on I-485 in NC, leaves skidmarks  (wcnc.com)	(22)
		Kings of Leon will never split up like Oasis. Great, so now the only options left are wishing for a nuclear holocaust or the apocalypse  (contactmusic.com)	(14)
		The sworn duty of American political leaders, regardless of party, is to grovel to conservatives and punch hippies  (tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com)	(60)
(Some Guy)		Lin Rong had the fingerprints from her left hand grafted on to her right to help her fool biometric scanners and sneak into Japan. She got caught anyway, proving you still need at least one right to make a Rong  (insidetech.monster.com)	(35)
(NME)		The White Stripes will release a limited edition documentary boxed set that will retail for $179. Their fans will have to work extra hard playing acoustic sets outside of Borders in order to afford it  (nme.com)	(33)
		In Canada, even the nuclear waste is polite  (csmonitor.com)	(64)
		GA democratic leader offers advice to man trying to become the first black governor of GA: "You cannot curse Bubba and Cooter, Big Man and June Bug in the daytime and beg them at night." Sage advice, whatever the hell it means  (dyn.politico.com)	(40)
(kfab.com)		Man beats wife for not helping clear snow. The joke's on her, she'll have to shovel while he's in jail  (kfab.com)	(99)
		Two kids sick after smoking incense, which they thought was smoking over-the-counter fake pot. Tea leaves, banana peels surrender  (wtsp.com)	(166)
		If you had the Chiefs, Raiders, and Browns beating the defending champion Pittsburgh Steelers in the same season, please collect your winnings  (scores.espn.go.com)	(160)

(Some Guy)		"Georgia Republicans need someone with the fortitude to clean up the culture of scotch and strippers that now permeates the Georgia General Assembly," which probably eliminates you  (peachpundit.com)	(40)
		Guy bets his Redskins won't blow lead against Saints, if they do his friends can shoot his 60 inch TV  (barenucks.com)	(164)
		Forty-four percent of Americans see China as the world's leading economic power. And they're dopes: "People who think this are crazy. Or, to be more gentle, they are really woefully misinformed about what the world is like"  (jamesfallows.theatlantic.com)	(191)
		R Kelly gives stripped-down show, dribbles something on the fly, leaves a few people pissed  (stltoday.com)	(20)
		The spiral lights over Norway that lasted 15 minutes and baffled astronomers were just lights reflecting from leaking jet fuel. So don't bother asking any more questions. Just leaking jet fuel.....really  (dailymail.co.uk)	(160)
		Dartmouth's obscene heckling of Harvard at a recent squash match is wrinkling up sweater vests throughout the Ivy League  (boston.com)	(137)
		In case you want your lady to smell like motor oil, burning rubber, and gasoline, Danica Patrick is releasing her own perfume  (examiner.com)	(43)
		A Boy Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, merciless to POWs, obedient, cheerful, brave, clean and reverent. Wait, what?  (news.bbc.co.uk)	(107)
		New Orleans thug robs "Lucky Dog" vendor near Bourbon Street... A vendor who happens to be a Marine  (nola.com)	(206)
		Scientists discovery of gene responsible for curly hair may lead to hair straightening pill. Still no cure for cancer, but finally one for Carrot Top  (upi.com)	(38)

(Some Guy)		Union Members : Are you sure Boeing won't be mad that our constant strikes make them look incompetent? Union Leaders : What are they gonna do? Build a whole new factory somewhere else? Huh? They did? Oh bloody hell  (aero-news.net)	(162)
(Some Dude)		Prepare to laugh yourself stupid: Kent Hovind's doctoral dissertation is up on Wikileaks  (wikileaks.org)	(248)
(Super)		Time Magazine's best comic of the decade? The Ultimates from Marvel. Whiny, indie hipsters to the right please  (bleedingcool.com)	(115)
		This just in... The Eagles have been guaranteed not to win a Super Bowl for at least three more years  (sports.yahoo.com)	(78)
		"I remembered thinking, 'Whoa, this is scary,' as it whirled around, almost knocking me down," At least Microsoft is on our side for the robot wars of the future  (physorg.com)	(16)
		Liverpool fighting the odds to avoid elimination. Not even Barca is safe. Some other teams probably play, too. Your Wednesday Champions League thread  (soccernet.espn.go.com)	(32)
		Tiger Woods sex tape released  (break.com)	(46)
		Google releases Chrome browser for Macs, causing world's strongest recorded nerdgasm  (physorg.com)	(161)

		New study finds that casual sex does not lead to low self-esteem. Burning pee and syphilis, yes, but not low self-esteem  (startribune.com)	(244)
(Some Guy)		Environmentalists seek to wipe out soft toilet paper - or at least put the skids to it  (mcclatchydc.com)	(268)
		Proving their love of alliteration, Washington Redskins release Shaun Suisham, sign Graham Gano  (sports.espn.go.com)	(49)
(Celeb Sabotage)		Miley Cyrus wears leather hotpants and shows cleavage in front on the Queen  (celebsabotage.posterous.com)	(94)
		Security fix author named "cybercrime hero." Back in my day, you needed at least some spandex and a cool name to get that title  (voices.washingtonpost.com)	(15)
		CBS cancels 54 year old soap opera 'As the World Turns', clearing the way for a game show hosted by Bob Saget or Carrot Top  (ausiellofiles.ew.com)	(61)
		Does Iron Man 2 = Spider-Man 3? Oh, please God no  (io9.com)	(105)
(Some Guy)		TFette's baby was born with heart problems; we've watched his progress and were sad to see him finally pass away last Tuesday. There's a new angel up there but the medical bills remain here; please donate a little bit if you can  (ichuckpens.info)	(434)
		13-year old girl leads police on a high speed chase. In other news, a 1994 Pontiac Grand Am is a "muscle car"  (foxnews.com)	(147)
(Some Guy)		Those "leave your cell phone in the car" warnings on gas pumps are there for a reason (w/video)  (wkyt.com)	(231)

(Ric Romero)		Ric Romero has a fan page on Facebook, it's woefully unpopulated. Please help and become a fan, this man is a legend -Drew  (facebook.com)	(912)
(Some Guy)		What happens when an f4 hits a nuclear power plant  (aggregateresearch.com)	(51)
		"We're going for it." - New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton on whether the team will pursue 16-0 or rest starters down the stretch  (sportsillustrated.cnn.com)	(852)
		Jason Siegel spotted leaving Lindsay Lohan's Big hOuse On saTurdaY morning, so now people aCtuALLy think they're dating  (starpulse.com)	(52)
		Eva Green wishes her lesbian sex scene in Cracks would have been dirtier. "The love scene is soft-I wanted to go even further." Dear God, won't someone please think of the kittens?  (showbizspy.com)	(101)
(CNNgo)		Frustrated over climate change, woman takes giant rag doll to Bangkok. No, that's the whole plot. But at least they go to a go-go bar  (cnngo.com)	(11)
		For just $150,000, you can own a condo in upper Manhattan. As long as you don't mind living in 175 square feet, not cooking, and storing your clothes at the dry cleaners  (nypost.com)	(458)