Drew Curtis' FARK.com -- Sports Archives for '2007-03-11 23:59:59'

# of Comments

Fark March Madness, your bracket sucks...1st prize: one year of Total Fark, 2nd prize: six months of Total Fark and 3rd prize: one month of Total Fark

(72)

Baseball fans complain that autograph dealers are making it more difficult to get players to sign their balls

(3)

Paul Stastny breaks NHL rookie points streak mark, his old man has the third longest

NCAA brackets discussion thread

(89)

Tar Heels Win 1st ACC Tourney Since 1998. Duke Sucks

(6)

Beckett's Boston beaning begets baseball brawl

(6)

(TSN)

Chris Simon suspended a minimum of 25 games by the NHL, including all of the playoffs, and possibly into next season. Good riddance to bad garbage

NBA's kings of pain

(4)

New England Patriots continue their free agent spending spree by signing WR Donte Stallworth. Insert your favorite Empire Strikes Back joke here

(58)

Barry Bonds homers for second straight day in spring training. Man, those Flintstone vitamins and intravenous vials of Underdog HGH can do wonders for a fella

Official Conference championships/ Selection Sunday discussion thread

(238)

2:31 of ice time, 3 fights, 42 penalty minutes, and 2 game misconducts. Welcome to the NHL, David Koci

(15)

Odds favour Australia in Cricket World Cup

(8)

The best club in England? It’s a feat that’s a mere 119 years in the making and one with an unexpected set of heroes at the end of it, but move aside Manchester United, Arsenal and the like

(52)

(Some Security Guy)

On March 15th CBS is launching a massive DDOS attack on corporate networks across America

(29)

Three hit batters and a bench-clearing brawl? Looks like Red Sox season is underway again

The courageous Brady Quinn on his way to the Texans in next month's draft?

(17)

Sat March 10, 2007:

(philadelphia eagles.com)

# of Comments

Eagles "third starter" cornerback Rod Hood signs with Cardinals; decides he'd rather be great on a bad team than good on a great team

(44)

Ontario will rock the house against Newfoundland in Sunday's final of the Canadian Brier, eh? Break out the Molson's, it's all aboot the curling

(7)

Victoria Beckham invited to go on shopping trip with LA Galaxy players' Wives And Girlfriends. What she doesn't know is that given their husbands' salaries, they basically frequent Goodwill, the Sally Ann and Arby's dumpsters

(18)

NASCAR unveils line of gourmet cookbooks, and some of the meals don't involve roadkill possum that you wrap in foil and cook on your manifold

(9)

NHL's Simon gone for at least 15 games

(31)

(setanta)

John Terry, angry with poor contract offers at Chelsea, is going to Arsenal. noooooot

(Some Tooth)

The FA is going to ban the entire Arsenal squad for the remainder of the season if this keeps up

(15)

NASCAR drivers don't like new, hard tires. NASCAR's response? "It's up to the drivers to slow down."

(22)

London's Wembley Stadium reconstruction completed. Let the sissyfighting, diving, and miraculous resurrections begin again

Bill Romanowski launches nutrition company; hopes to turn clients into stark, raving human chemistry sets

(Mirror)

Oxford and Cambridge celebrate 100th nerd slapfight that they consider varsity boxing in the two institutions' illustrious histories

(3)

Fri March 09, 2007:

# of Comments

Legendary Hall of Fame golfers Rich Beem and Brad Faxon leading push against Tiger Woods' invite-only golf tournament

(22)

(Rocky Mountain News)

After starting the season 17-1, Air Force may not make the tourney

Chargers.com webmaster accidentally leaks picture of new uniform and logo, forces team to announce change earlier than hoped

Thierry Henry will be falling to the ground, clutching his knee and grimacing on the sidelines for the rest of this season

Not News: Man participates in free throw contest during a timeout in a Warriors/Pacers game. News: Mascot tackles man as he is leaving the court. Fark: Man had back surgery and mascot knew about it

(16)

Official conference tourney Friday discussion thread. LGT scoreboard

(51)

Senators crush Leafs, start a lovely compost system

(SI)

Darren Holmes is latest MLB player to admit he bought HGH on internets. Fortunately, his high moral standards prevented him from using the substance

(8)

Apparently sick of winning with the Indianapolis Colts, Dominic Rhodes leaves to sign with the Oakland Raiders

(32)

"This season Arsenal produced a team of pure and dizzy talent. None but the most besotted and uxorious of one-eyed fans can deny this. They are better than everyone else, but not good enough to win anything"

(24)

49ers give $30 million to former Eagles safety Michael Lewis. California Department of Health immediately tests area drinking water for traces of LSD

In an effort to bring national worker productivity to a screeching halt, CBS doubles bandwidth for NCAA tournament video streams

(25)

Meet Jeff Sagarin, the man who screwed your college basketball team out of the NCAA tournament

(14)

Champions League draw sets the table for possible all-England final

(52)

(Baltimore Ravens)

Last year the Ravens signed Steve McNair and won the AFC North. This year they signed Willis McGahee after losing Jamal "two-step" Lewis to the Browns. Could be the missing piece for a Super Bowl Victory

(49)

(sportsline.com)

Duke goes 8-8 in ACC, loses in first round of ACC tourney. Despite intense vortex of suck, will still get a 4 seed from the committee

(72)

(TSN)

Phoenix Coyotes game preceded by a Real Estate seminar entitled "Foreclosures on Ice". There's a joke in there somewhere, but the submitter just can't find it

The NY Islanders' Chris Simon pulls off one of the dirtiest plays in NHL history

(135)

Thu March 08, 2007:

# of Comments

USC football players' Facebook group called "White Power" features pic of black baby in handcuffs

Not News: College coach allegedly has relations with player. News: It's the female women's basketball coach with one of her own players. Fark: Coach's name is Pokey

(SILive)

Staten Island baseball team's season-ticket plan offering unlimited all-you-can-eat food and drink proves to be wildly popular with New Yorkers

(2)

Clemson could become the first NCAA team to miss the tournament after starting 17-0. Duke sucks

(CNNSI)

LSU women's hoops coach Pokey Chatman resigns before NCAAs to "pursue other career options." Submitter smells something fishy, demands investigation lickety-split

NBA to celebrate St. Patrick's Day by having three teams wear all-green uniforms. Doesn't mention drunken night of partying by Vin Baker, but believe me, it'll happen

(16)

Official University of Washington alumni association website runs poll asking "Who has more spirit, Huskies or (Washington State) Cougars?" Hilarity ensues

(35)

Newcastle United fan to lift soccer team's first championship trophy since man first walked on the moon today. Maple Leaf fans jealously mutter that winning isn't everything and anyway, this is the year the team is gonna go all the way

(12)

Italian rugby coach plans to introduce Pez to his lineup, may even bring out the one with the plastic Darth Vader head

(6)

(Szczome Szczad Guy)

Boszczton Celticszcz Forward Wally Szczerbiak undergoeszcz szczeaszczon-ending sczcurgery on szczore ankle. Doctorszcz expreszczszcz optimiszczm that Sczcerbiak szczhall make a full recovery szczoon

Old and busted: When a hockey player scores 3 goals fans throw their hats onto the ice. New hotness: When a player scores 2 goals fans throw their bras

(24)

Kobe Bryant concerned that recent one-game suspension will give him a bad reputation

Three years after on ice attack, Steve Moore still hasn't been cleared to play by doctors. He should probably just get over it, the big faker

(53)

After looking at their schedule and seeing they're not playing Seattle, Dolphins sign kicker Feeley. If the quality of their free agent signings continues at this rate, Miami should have the #1 pick in the 2008 draft locked up by Saturday

NHL signs broadcast deal with the Food Network

Chicago mayor: "Having the Olympics here will cost the taxpayers nothing, I promise." Olympic decision board: "If Chicago itself doesn't pony up cash via taxpayers, we aren't even considering them"

(40)

Bob Feller, 88, in a car crash, walks away unhurt. Cubs immediately offer him $12 million a year for their fifth starter spot

(18)

News: 42-year-old soccer fan invades pitch, fells player with karate kick. Fark: The player is eight years old

(68)

NJ Devils check fans into the glass with a 114 percent ticket price increase for their new arena next season

(60)

Shawn Kemp has nothing on Tom Brady

(40)

UEFA Cup discussion thread. Some of the games include Braga vs Tottenham, Newcastle vs AZ Alkmaar and Rangers vs Osasuna

(211)

New Wembley may be ready in time for FA Cup final after all. Not that we haven't heard that before

(CBS Sportsline)

Detroit Pistons guard Lindsey Hunter suspended for 10 games after testing positive for phentermine. In other news, growing number of professional athletes ingest pills without knowing what in the hell they are

Bayern Munich’s Roy Makaay scores the quickest goal in UEFA Champions League, in 10 seconds. Opponent now re-thinking their decision to use a blind goalie

Former Ravens running back Jamal Lewis suffers career ending brain cramp

(50)

Despite hordes of drunk, underage hotties treating event as a "one big tailgate party", Aspen somehow decides to continue hosting X Games (with pics)

Wed March 07, 2007:

# of Comments

Dutch daredevil to climb Everest wearing only shorts, boots, gloves and a cap -- although overnight and during tea breaks, he will wear clothes

Chicago Blackhawks have the best NHL uniform, says a poll of 357 NHL players. Not exactly a Stanley Cup, but in Chicago you take an accolade in hockey any way you can get it

(51)

First Man United, then Aston Villa, then Liverpool. What English football club will be the next target of American investors? If you guessed Coventry, you win. Coventry? They're not even in the Premier League, for chrissakes

(22)

(SI.com)

Diego Maradona being investigated for tax fraud. These charges are obviously false as Maradona has never cheated at anything

Actual headline: "Wanke hoping to beat off stiff bribe penalty"

In order to ensure that they don't advance to the playoffs for the fifth consecutive year, Dolphins considering trade for Chiefs' Trent Green

(28)

(SI)

"Why the NHL's hot and the NBA's not." Relive a time when SI could put that on a cover and not be laughed at

(152)

Hansbrough: No bad blood with Henderson. Still undecided on Harry, though

(16)

Joel Sherman: "Jose Reyes is the best shortstop in New York, not just for the future, but even for 2007." Suck it, Jeter

(28)

(Oxford Press)

Daisuke Matsuzaka threw the pitch that doesn't exist yesterday. Maybe

(29)

Angels skipper Mike Scioscia pleased with what he saw from Colon. Uh huh uh huh huh

(9)

Who is the most hated Duke Blue Devil of all time? Does it really matter when they all suck?

(63)

Four Champions League matches today including Celtic, ManU, Real Madrid and a little club called Arsenal

(433)

(NFL Fanhouse)

Peyton Manning is also available for weddings and bar mitzvahs

(79)

CBS Sportsline's basketball guru Gregg Doyel perpetuates the media's pro-Duke bias. Duke sucks

Broncos sign Daniel Graham to five-year, $30 million term life policy

Dallas Mavericks become first team to clinch playoff spot

(Asshat's online auction)

Step 1: Oragnize union for NHL players. Step 2: Go to jail for embezzling from the pension fund. Step 3: Auction off the memorabilia you were given by players who once trusted you for PROFIT. Asshat Alan Eagleson smarter than underpants gnomes

The Red Wings and Predators season series has become the new rivalry in the NHL, with three games remaining against each other and nearly the exact same standing

(32)

Last night at the fight, a soccer game broke out

Maple Leafs defeat Washington 3-0 as Darcy Tucker continues his blistering 'one goal every three months' pace

Tottenham Hotspurs fans' pro-Semitic chants accused of inciting anti-Semitic chants

(41)

Bobby Knight writes letter to Basketball Hall of Fame asking that Dick Vitale be inducted. Vitale responds by screaming about Duke for ten minutes, even though that has nothing to do with what's going on

(14)

Tue March 06, 2007:

# of Comments

Duquesne basketball player, shot twice in the head at a party last September and not originally expected to survive, recovers fully and will rejoin his team in a few weeks

(9)

Everyone that has ever talked to John Rocker, shocked (SHOCKED) to hear he may have been involved in steroids

(17)

Daisuke Matsuzaka throws three scoreless innings in his spring training debut. Suck it, Steinbrenner

(133)

Bears' LB Briggs feels "disrespected" by franchise tag that pays $7 mil. per year. Submitter begs his boss to disrespect him for half of that

(37)

Shaq agrees to film a reality show aimed at overweight kids

(14)

Jim Lampley gets lawyered-up for second try at being really, really sorry for violating restraining order

It might not be necessary for pitchers to take big, wacky wind-ups, but it's funnier when they do

(25)

Joey Porter signs five-year, $32 million deal with Miami Dolphins. Suck it, LBs

(44)

Ranking the top pro basketball centers. Kareem, Wilt and Russell take the top three, then some fat load comes in fourth

(74)

(Some football guy)

Official Champions League discussion thread

(70)

Michigan's Courtney Sims after a loss to Ohio State: "That was the worst game I’ve had to deal with since I’ve been here. We had the game won and it slipped out of our hands"

(AM 1220)

Toronto Maple Leafs finally play an opponent they can beat -- fifth graders

(37)

Gonzaga earns ninth consecutive NCAA tournament bid by defeating Santa Clara in WCC championship game. Duke sucks

(18)

Since '56, every NL pitcher who led in strikeouts and wins won the Cy Young award. Until last year, the Siberian Flamethrower missed by one vote. One vote shy of even getting a vote

(Chicago Sports)

Why the NFL is better than college football, but college basketball is better than the NBA

(75)

Fattest player in international cricket blows doors off England's international team. But given England's team, you and some drunken buddies could have done the same, even if you don't even know how the hell to play the game (pic)

Chicago Bears front office continues making one astute move after another, trade Thomas Jones for a sack of magic beans

(51)

Mon March 05, 2007:

(Cold, Hard Football Facts.com)

# of Comments

(Style.com)

New NCAA basketball uniforms debuted. Featuring spandex tops and shorts that look like a sarong

(71)

Kansas City Penguins doesn't have much of a ring to it, but Pittsburgh owners are ready to "agressively" explore relocation

(61)

O.J. murder trial attorney repping MLB player accused of buying steroids: "If the head fits, you must acquit"

(2)

Boston Globe reporter Ron Borges caught plagiarizing. You submitted this with a better headline, but I copied it

Kings' Ron Artest arrested on charges of domestic violence

(144)

Canadian sports officials ponder removing marijuana ban. Oh Canada

Please welcome your newest New England Patriot... Randy Moss?

(38)

(WBAY)

Houstan Texans overpay 30-year-old running back Ahman Green. Who's running this franchise, Gumby?

(133)

(SI)

Peter King says the Patriots' signing of Adalius Thomas is the best thing since the triple mocha frappuchino he had last Tuesday

(28)

Opening Day is about a month away and already the Chicago Cubs are on pace to have a craptacular season

(46)

Joey, have you ever seen a grown Pro Bowl linebacker set to make $7 million per year be such a pansy?

(53)

Sammy Steroid shows he still knows how to swing a corked bat

Shaq signs off on Bush: "When it comes to ridiculization, if you can't walk in a man's shoes, you can't ridicule him." Sounds like you're walking in the shoes already, Mr. O'Neal

If there is anything Duke hates more than losing to North Carolina, it's losing and being called dirty at the same time. Duke sucks

(158)

Winona State wins 52nd consecutive game, ties 61-year-old record. In other news, there's a Winona State University

(Goal.com)

Beckham bends it again, though this time it's his knee, and it bends the wrong way (with pic of him crying)