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Sun May 25, 2008
Barack Obama says Hillary Clinton only cares about Florida and Michigan because she's losing. Ya rly, he finally said it
Project for a New American Century's website quietly goes kaput
Fox News analyst says that we should knock off Osama... uh, Obama... well "both if we could."
Bob Barr wins Libertarian convention, hopes to form coalition of weirdos, goldbugs and real conservatives. McCain craps his pants
If the Libertarian Party held a convention and no one was there to hear it, would anyone give a damn?
Co-chair of Clinton's Hispanic council defects to Obama. Hillary says it might not be a big deal, since Hispanic co-chairs can still be assassinated in June
CNN hires new commenter, who likes complimenting McCain and criticizing Obama and Clinton. They don't mention that he works for McCain
McCain is too sage to give Parsley the thyme of day
Now that all the important issues are settled, there's only one more question. Which candidate would you go on a picnic with?
Rep. John Conyers, chair of the House Judiciary Committee, would like the DEA to explain why they are conducting "paramilitary-style enforcement raids" against medicinal marijuana dispensaries in California
Bill Clinton claims that if Hillary can win the primaries in the 44th and 46th largest states in the country, she could sway enough superdelegates so that she can win the nomination. No, seriously
Israeli intelligence now believes Iran will have nukes by next year, and Israel is seriously considering preemptive unilateral military action. This headline brought to you courtesy of the years 2005-2030
Hillary tries to do damage control with an editorial in the NY Daily News. This should end well
McCain: "I support the troops". Obama: "So why are you opposing the new G.I. Bill?" McCain: (crickets)
"Government lawyers told federal judges that the President can send the military into any U.S. neighborhood, capture a citizen and hold him in prison without charge, indefinitely."
McCain campaign makes changes to exclude President Bush and the press from upcoming events
According to Michelle Malkin, the reason Rachel Ray is wearing a tattered white scarf in a Dunkin Donuts ad is because she loves Yasser Arafat. But they are both hot and the story involves donuts, making it very important
Florida battles smoking by issuing taxpayer-funded comic book featuring Superman battling villian who uses cigarettes as his weapon
John McCain's hopes of winning Florida in the general election ride on his belief in Crist. Charlie Crist, that is
A breakdown of posts from two of Fark's favorite political blogs. One result: the last 100,000 comments from hillaryis44.org were written by just 310 users
Sat May 24, 2008
Farc leader dead. Fark leader still drinking beer, checking out boobies
When Hillary Clinton says that she's losing the Democratic nomination race because of sexism but would be more likely to win the White House, isn't she therefore also saying that Republicans are less sexist than Democrats?
Fresh off news that Barack Obama is leading in most recent Ohio and Virginia polls, the GOP's getting kinda worried that people have noticed that John McCain's Straight Talk Express is driven by lobbyists
When you lose, arguing that the rules should be changed so that you win only works until you are six years old
Hillary's apology about her RFK assassination comments fail to account for the fact that she's been pushing the same line since March
Need an easy way to get rid of a state representative? Steal their nomination papers
Changing four jobs within a year, Congresswoman has defaulted on three homes. "The average American is not responsible for maintaining several households."
Nader doesn't use Google. Nor a computer. Says kids today can't string four coherent sentences together. And get off his lawn
Hillary Clinton, after announcing that her campaign strategy has been reduced to hoping for an "RFK Scenario"... "Oops... my bad. Uh, pretend I never said that, okay?"
Man needs 10,000 signatures to become the next Senator from Massachusetts, learns there aren't 10,000 living Republicans in the state
Congress sees that there's a scrap of the Fourth Amendment left untorched, and decides to set parts of that on fire, too
♪ Cape Town violence all day long, doo-dah, doo-dah ♪
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi declares 10 garbage dumps to be military zones guarded by soldiers, finally giving Italy's army a mission it can possibly accomplish
Lou Dobbs imitates O'Reilly when pressed for facts
Sign #36 that the American political system has gone crazy: "when a presidential candidate makes a gaffe, then, realizing it is too egregious to take back... decides to make it a centerpiece of his foreign policy."
The Pentagon has lost nearly $15 billion in Iraq funds, but at least it wasn't wasted on social programs in the US
Unknown State department employee defaces pictures of Bush Administration officials with mustaches. Daffy Duck impressed
Fri May 23, 2008
Parrot parrots Obama slogan. CNN is there
Hillary Clinton gets her ass handed to her by Keith Olbermann. Again
Jello Biafra responds to Michael Savage
Whichever party loses the 2008 presidential election is going to set itself on fire during the fallout
In 1990 Oprah had Jello Biafra, Tipper Gore, Rabbi Abraham Cooper, Juan Williams, Ice-T and Nelson George to discuss the PMRC issue. Listen to Jello completely own Tipper on national TV
Al Franken gets a good tongue-lashing from Republican women
Why is Hillary still in the running? Because according to her, Obama might be gunned down like Bobby Kennedy. Oops, she's sorry she said that out loud
Defense contractor Northrup Grummon behind anti-Obama website and editorials to newspapers? It's more likely than you think
President Bush begins fundraising for John McCain under strict instructions that the two men not be seen or photographed together
No way will Barack pick Hillary for VP. He knows that within 30 days of being elected, Bill will make sure Obama's the late president. Let the chain of succession begin
McCain has polyps in his colon, apparently the result of too much speaking from that part of his body. Otherwise, he's in pretty good health. Except the cancer
Democrats 2006: Vote for us, and we can end the Iraq war. Rep. Paul Kanjorski (D-PA) 2007: "That wasn't true. But you know, the temptation to want to win back the Congress, we sort of stretched the facts... and people ate it up"
"Hillary Clinton is now poised to finish the primary season as the popular-vote leader. In some quaint circles, presumably, these things still matter"
Tom Harkin (D-umbass) suggests that John McCain's family history of military service makes him unfit to be commander-in-chief
Apparently, the Pentagon is now on the honor system: An internal audit of $8 billion paid to Iraqi and U.S. contractors finds that the government skirted the rules designed to prevent fraud in almost every transaction
General Petraeus ready to recommend troop cuts. Next week's news: General Petraeus ready to resign, spend more time with family
How McCain can win: Pledge to serve only one term, pick a Democrat as VP, and emphasize his comprehensive punk-free lawn policy
A small group of people are pushing California to delay the ruling that forces everyone to marry a gay person this June
China and Russia: "We oppose your plan for a missile defence system." USA: "I oppose having your momma in my bed"
McCain blasts Obama on Iraq. Obama responds. If you've got an "Oh Snap" image you wanted an excuse to use, this might be the thread to roll it out in
McCain makes the tough call, decides to drop his support for a preacher who said Hitler was just a modern-day Pied Piper, except for Jews
McCain to limit reporters' access to his medical records, lawn
Maxine Waters (D-CA) wants to nationalize U.S. oil companies. That won't work. Waters and oil don't mix (with video)
NY Gov. David Patterson says he is beginning to see desperation in Hillary Clinton
Tony Blair comes within seconds of being U.S.S. Liberty'd by the Israeli Air Force. Oy vey
McCain dumps controversial pastor Rev. Parsley. Parsley wasn't quite the spiritual mentor as McCain had previously suggested, but really more of a garnish
Howard Dean calls for end of Electoral College so that candidates don't have to kowtow to piddling little states like Vermont
Hillary Clinton, you lost because of your refusal to apologize for your Iraq vote, NOT sexism
Thu May 22, 2008
Focus On The Family believes bill outlawing bias on sexual orietation may lead down the slippery slope of a wedding photographer having to shoot a gay wedding
If you had May 22 in your office's "What day will John McCain play the Obama can't be President because he didn't get shot down flying a plane" pool, you win
McCain realizes that being endorsed by someone who said that God brought on the Holocaust is not good for his electability, activates "straight talking" powers to throw Hagee under bus
Note to Obama: It turns out negotiating with your enemies can be a bad thing
We all wish we could simply not pay our property taxes or mortgage payments. Then again, most of us are not members of the United States House of Representatives
Obama to McCain: "It's a shame you didn't want to vote for this pro-veteran bill", McCain to Obama: "You're naive, and you don't know what it's like to be President, PANCAKES"
Abbie Hoffman, 1968: "Let's hold hands and levitate the Pentagon--it'll stop the war." John Cusack, 2008: "Let's film Hillary Duff stuffing a scorpion down her pants--it'll stop the war"
The Trilateral Commission is afraid of Ron Paul and his push to bring back the gold standard. Reverse vampires and Majestic 12 not real happy with him, either
News: Obama starts process to select running mate with Jim Johnson leading the search. Facepalm: He is the same man who helped Kerry and Mondale select their running mates
Washington Post refuses to correct political story but runs two corrections on who made the pretzels at a school party
Headlines Quebec during their next budget "Help, we're being persecuted", Headlines at every other time "Stop being paranoid xenophobes or you'll be the end of us all"
Hey, let's put Barak Obama on the cover of our magazine in a rifle's crosshairs, with the title "White Fright"... what could possibly go wrong?
There was a stirring in the Fark, as if a million libs suddenly high-fived each other
When Ted Kennedy gives up his seat, he wants the voters of Massachusetts to vote in the most qualified successor. Just kidding--he wants his wife to take it
Blind people don't see the point of the federal appeals court vision of non-discriminatory money
Barack Obama is a gaffe machine, but you're probably a racist for saying something like that about him
Hillary to Barack: "Gimme the VP". Barack to Hillary: "HAHAHAHAHA....oh wait you're serious. No thanks"
White House attacks Jerusalem Post story about US invading Iran before Bush's term is up. Probably because they forgot to include a spoiler alert
Michelle Malkin takes on the latest threat to American values: That egghead liberal cut-and-run appeaser, Indiana Jones
Eager to test out the hidden mistress-bonking nooks in the Admiral's House at the Naval Observatory, Bill Clinton pushing hard for Hillary for VP
Cheney: Unlike war with Eastasia, war on terror does not have to last forever (with 10 gallon hat pic goodness)
(Columbia Journalism Review)
It's not news, it's MSNBC interviewing an astrologer about which candidate will win in the fall. She didn't say, but she did predict the impending collapse of major media news coverage in the US
Ted Kennedy's brain tumor may have been caused by a herpes virus. When asked if he was mad at the aide who infected him, Kennedy said it's water under the bridge
Chavez to USA: "We will send fighter jets the next time you violate Venezuelan airspace." USA: "Whatever"
Old and busted: Hillary in 2008. New hotness: Chelsea in 2016. No, really
August 2007: DNC rules panel votes to strip Florida of its votes. All Clinton supporters vote in favor of this move. The only dissenting vote was from an Obama supporter
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin (R-MILF) will sue the U.S. Interior Department for their decision to protect the #1 threat to Alaska's oil industry: Polar Bears
School House rock never covered this part
National Review happy to confirm Hillary Clinton supporters' belief that the Democrats are stealing the Democratic Primary
Whoever painted this portrait of Obama may have overdone it just a tad
Media Matters upset that the always douchetastic Michael Savage played a Dead Kennedy's song in honor of Ted Kennedy's tumor. Must be a slow outrage day
Wed May 21, 2008
IRS clears Rev. Wright's church of improperly assisting Obama's campaign
McCain meeting with potential running mates this weekend. Names in the mix: Charlie Crist, Tim Pawlenty, and Bobby Jindal for his "not an old white guy" factor
House to Bush: VetOWNED
Canadian PM : "I don't think government should fool people into thinking it can control the price of gas. It generally speaking can't"
Bush gets one right: Signs bill barring employers and insurers from discriminating against people genetically predisposed to disease
Hillary Clinton compares her efforts to seat Michigan and Florida with the efforts to end slavery in the 19th century. Her truth is marching on. And on. And on. And on
In a follow up to a story that wasn't greenlit, McCain admits that no, he cannot make up the structure and function of Iran's government just to make himself feel good
Hillary Clinton: Obama can have the nomination when they pry it from my cold dead hands in Denver
John McCain tries to reassure public he's not too old... by trotting out his 96-year-old mother
As expected, Bush will veto the $300 billion farm bill today, which Congress will promptly override, no doubt in a late night session while drunk on ethanol and coated with biodiesel in a big subsidy pig pile
Washington lobbyists are whiney, WHINEY that presidential candidates are putting the interests of the American people ahead of theirs
Obama, who was leading McCain by double digits in national polls, and then was losing to him, is now leading him by eight points again
Six out of seven top astrologers predict Obama win in November. The seventh also predicts an Obama win, but sees something "funky" happening to him before the inauguration
Chuck Norris promises to re-name Ahmadinejad to "Smith" or "Johnson" if elected vice president, just because he can
State and local governments are basing promised benefits on numbers from outdated actuarial methods. Imagine the Enron scandal, but involving more people and less accountability
The three problems of John McCain
John Stossel says legalize heroin and crack, because if we don't, drug dealers will get nuclear weapons. In related news, John Stossel has been smoking crack
This week, thousands of Libertarians are expected in Denver for the much awaited Libertarian National Convention
What does a liberal politician who violates his own gun control law do? Why, introduce a new law to give himself a way out, of course
From the "Where were you five years ago" file, FBI agents objected to torturing detainees
Remember those 75,000 people who showed up to hear Obama? Actually, they showed up for a free rock concert, so most probably won't be voting or getting off your lawn
About six years late, Jesse Ventura hints at entering the Minnesota senate race with Franken and Coleman
U.S. military at Gitmo softened up detainees for Chinese intelligence. Sing along: "It's a small world after all..."
Exit polls prove that older, white, blue-collar voters are not sexist. Just racist
Is Obama the second coming of Jimmy Carter?
McCain's chief media advisor quits rather than campaign against Obama
Tue May 20, 2008
Obama wins Oregon; Hillary loses three oxen fording the river, and two members of her party have dysentery
If you haven't been watching CSPAN, you missed this total awesomeness
HDTV could do to McCain what television did to Nixon
You can win "points" on John McCain's website by copying and pasting their talking points on message boards. In related news, John McCain has the judgment to take on the terrorists, communists, and space wizards threatening the US
TN Representative threatens to illegally withhold public documents from media and blogs who posted video of him resisting arrest at a DUI stop
Half of Clinton campaigners would rather abstain than vote for Obama in the general election due to his "frightening lack of experience". Obama: 11 years as an elected official, Clinton: 7 years. Bizarro math strikes again
Appealing to Hispanic voters in Florida, John McCain hits Barack Obama over Obama's "wanting to normalize relations with Cuba." Problem, and you could probably guess: John McCain 2000 had the exact same position
Barack Obama currently leads John McCain 48-40 in PA with no VP picks attached. With John Edwards on the ticket, however, Obama's win increases to 10 to 17 points depending on McCain's choice
The 1996 bill Senator McCain introduced would have crippled his 2008 campaign
White House raises stakes in escalating war against NBC News
Of American voters polled, 62 percent want smaller government with lower taxes, 29 percent want bigger government with higher taxes, and the remainder want David Archuleta to win "American Idol"
31,000 scientists would like to have a word with Al Gore
Now White House says Bush DID apologize for Quran burning
Some folk'll never eat a skunk but then again some folk'll, like yokels that don't vote for Obama
Time reporter to McCain: Obama said he would negotiate with the (Iranian) leaders, but (Supreme Leader Ali) Khamenei is the leader, not Ahmadinejad. McCain: "nuh-uh...PANCAKES"
This is quite possibly the most fabulous political attack ad ever
Headline: Make Wearing a Flag Pin the 28th Amendment
EPA Chief: I think it's a great idea to let states regulate tailpipe emissions Whitehouse:psst whisper psst. EPA Chief: by which, I mean it's a terrible idea and the EPA will not allow it
The Tennessee Republican Party: Hates Michelle Obama, loves strip clubs
Pelosi's Congressional approval rating matches all time low set by Tom Foley. Coincidence?
New Taiwanese president calls on China to embrace Democracy, allow Taiwan more autonomy, give each citizen a unicorn
Barack Obama seems to think he can make the rules governing what his opponents can and cannot criticize about him. After all, he doesn't want his wittle feelwings hurt
Obama gets rid of that whole 'Hussein' annoyance after being given honorary name of Barack Black Eagle of the Crow Nation
Republicans lose another heterosexual Congressman
The truth is that there is today no adequate substitute for oil, natural gas and coal. America needs to drastically escalate its use of its gigantic coal reserves and it offshore oil reserves until non-oil technologies can be developed
Maine's Legislature has once again approved the state's nuclear safety inspector job paying $71,000, which is kinda strange considering Maine hasn't had a nuke plant in over a decade
New York Governor Paterson hospitalized after discovering what a headache it is to run his state
It's only voter fraud when the other team does it
Sen. Joe Lieberman's cunning plan to thwart terrorism? Pull pro-terror content from YouTube. Please, don't anybody tell Lieberman about LiveLeak or he might have an aneurism on the spot
Ferraro calls Obama "terribly sexist," cites "Smell the Glove" campaign slogan
Georgia Republican Party boss says, "John McCain is kind of like Jesus Christ on the cross." She later admits that McCain didn't die for your sins, but that he may have actually been at the crucifixion
Mon May 19, 2008
Democratic National Convention's cuisine demands are stranger than a Van Halen concert rider and smugger than a Prius full of snowflakes
It would cripple our economy if business leaders had to start paying illegal aliens a market wage
For a good reason why McCain's proposal to put regulation of insurance on the state level is a bad idea, check your credit card statement
The White House sends a strongly worded letter to NBC lecturing them for not being more like Fox News ,using words like "civil war"and "recession"
I'll take a Super Delegate vote for $1 million, please
Democrats launch read-only wiki called McCainPedia to make the good Senator's history crystal clear. ObamaPedia.org registered in 3...2... oh wait, they got that one too
How do you know this nation has changed? When a former Klansman endorses a black man for President
Poll shows Obama has opening his largest lead yet over Clinton, 16 points. Oddly, 4 percent say they still have no opinion. What are they, brain dead?
(Five Thirty Eight)
In depth look at what wacky hijinks would ensue should Obama and McCain end up with a 269-269 tie in November. President Pelosi? It's more likely than you think
Waaaaah I'm a Republican and my family is making fun of me (sob)
NYT's Kristol on Obama losing by 41 in W.V.: "I can't find a single recent instance of a candidate who ultimately became his party's nominee losing a primary by this kind of margin..." Utah GOP: Romney 90%, McCain 5%
A President Obama would embolden Al-Qaeda. Surprisingly, article not from FoxNews
George Bush: "[The Palestinian people are] good, smart, capable people that, when given a chance, will build a thriving homeland." Which raises the question: Why aren't the Palestinians being given a chance?
Buffett likes Obama, cheeseburgers, drunk sex
Michelle Obama is open to having Hillary as Vice President
Of those polled, half of voters say John McCain can win the war in Iraq, while only 20 percent say Obama can. Meanwhile, 100 percent say The Tick could bring buttery justice to the entire world
McCain is slow to gain young voters, probably because they aren't allowed on his lawn to see his campaign signs
Fox News unleashes the fury of Bill O'Reilly against General Electric due to repeated assaults by Keith Olbermann. O'Rly?
In possibly the most cunning campaigning move ever, Bush will be stumping for McCain
Obama Tells Tennessee GOP to lay off his wife, or he just MIGHT have to start talking about their mommas
Three of the four California Supreme Court "activist judges" who voted to legalize gay marriage were Republicans. Fabulous
The REAL John McCain
Bush urges Pakistan to solve Kashmir problem, says that any threat to the world's sweater market must be taken seriously
Obama: "We can't drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times ... and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK"
HillaryIs44's swansong post is a hotbed of manic bitterness on a scale previously unseen by human eyes
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