(Some Guy)(16) This Thanksgiving be thankful a 300-pound, 6-foot bald homeless man with blue eyes didn't break into your home and steal your turkey
(Kansas City)(15) Long lost ghost trap keeps catching crabs. But enough about Anna Nicole Smith
(Boston Globe)(96) These pictures will give you another reason to be thankful for the men and women on duty this holiday
(Houston Press)(62) Nobody can eat 50 eggs: The 5 best overeating scenes from the movies, in honor of stuffing your maw today
(Des Moines Register)(28) 54 years after somebody stole a radio from a college's teacher's lounge, the thief anonymously sends the school an apology letter and $500
(Daily Mail)(58) Stealing £315,000 from your quadruple amputee niece's trust fund to buy vacations and jewelry is no way to save your marriage
(iAfrica)(35) You're a cop, and your daughter dies in the hospital. Do you A) mourn, B) establish a scholarship in her honor, or C) go nuts and tear-gas the children's ward?
(Herald)(28) Drunk Irish mom beans son in the face with a full beer can; to be charged with wasting beer
(WRCB TV 3)(64) Apparently confused about which finger means what, Tennesseans perplexed by billboard with young woman giving the finger
(The Local (Sweden))(137) Great excuses of our time: "I only visited the hooker because my wife was too pregnant"
(AL.com)(73) Homeless people ask for leftovers after town's cook-off competition. Local kid realizes they might be hungry the rest of the year, decides to do something
(My Fox DC)(35) Airline that was voted worst in Britain claims it did not buzz an old lady's house, knocking off her roof tiles and scaring her half to death because they just don't do stupid stuff like that
(Some Thief)(15) When removing furniture and belongings, you'll appreciate the efficient, professional service of a removal firm. Particularly if you're a burglar and it's not your house
(My Sinchew)(16) Someone's been playing Mad Libs at the editor's desk again: Two men in Bangladesh were jailed after they went to a Muslim shrine and beat and blinded a sacred (noun) _crocodile_
(Economist)(33) "Between 1960 and 2008, turkeys bulked up by around 11lb to 29lb ... coincidentally in that same period the average American man gained 28lb, almost the equivalent of a turkey"
(My Fox DC)(173) Not News: Wishing someone a happy Eid al-Adha. News: In a Best Buy ad. Fark: After you stopped wishing people Merry Christmas in those same ads in favor of Happy Holidays
(Tameside Advertiser)(48) Religious education teacher jailed for teaching teenage boy to scream "Oh God!"
(Austin News KXAN)(47) Austin tropical fish store will have half off of everything on Black Friday, including the ladies
(Some Bluenoser)(103) Move over UK, there's a new Nanny State. Couple in their 70s hauled in on child abduction suspicion for waving at small boy
(LA Times)(34) You know it's going to be a bad day when you wake up face down under a Cessna
(Boston Herald)(53) Boston Herald headline writers accurately condense 8th amendment lawsuit into five words: "Wife-killing tranny denied electrolysis"
(Metro)(28) Persuading someone to spend £1,200 on a breast lift for you just so that you can find a new home is a sure sign that you're a biatch
(Boston Globe)(96) The letter coldly outlined the parents' choices: start paying rent or we throw your children in the trash or use them for medical experiments
(Andrew Sullivan)(93) A moving Thanksgiving Day tribute to America expressed with a clarity that perhaps only a conservative, gay, Catholic, pugnacious and irrepressible expatriate Brit could attain. Happy Thanksgiving Fark
(Stuff.co.nz)(23) ♫ ♪ I'm a Rocketman, ditching through the clouds into the sea. And I think it's gonna be a long long swim ♫ ♪
(Smh.com.au)(32) Before you have 15 firefighters and two tankers show up at your home to investigate a strong smell of gas, make sure it isn't just your pig farting
(Cincinnati Enquirer)(78) ♫ Grandma got pulled over by a trooper / Driving with a kid Thanksgiving Eve / You may say that jailing her's excessive / But then again, she blew point four fifteen ♫
(Salt Lake Tribune)(89) News: Man gets stuck in underground crevice known as the "Birth Canal" for nearly 24 hours before rescuers free him. Fark: They accidently drop him back in and he's stuck again
(3 News New Zealand)(159) Burger King unveils 1000 calorie monster burger. Just looking at it is enough to give you a heart attack
(Cracked)(70) The six most horrific lessons ever taught in elementary school
(Yahoo)(132) Thirty-two percent of American men are obviously watching Alton Brown more than the Dallas Cowboys this year
(Yahoo)(73) Old and Busted: Crashing a wedding reception. New Hotness: Crashing Obama's first State Dinner
(Wikileaks)(244) Truthers won't be getting much sleep this week after Wikileaks posts 573,000 pager messages from 9/11
(Miami Herald)(54) Coño man, it has been 10 years since Elián touch our hearts, Ft Lauderdale
(Farktography)(122) Theme of Farktography Contest No. 238: "Hello Old Friend. It's Nice to Meet You.". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
Wed November 25, 2009:
(The Register)(38) Actual headline: "Atlantis glides home with choked pee nozzle." Subby is hoping that's how his night ends too
(Kansas City)(62) Judge sentences killer to two life sentences plus 498 years
(The Sun)(128) Dundee girlfriend does what any Scotswoman would do in her place
(PennLive)(864) Atheist group asks to put up sign honoring war veterans near Christmas display. Pennsylvania town responds by outlawing Christmas displays, claiming "the liberals" have destroyed Christmas
(Daily Mail)(147) Scientists have now created a baby bottle that heats itself up in 60 seconds. A perfect gift for parents who can't be troubled to spend that kind of time on their children
(Kotaku)(272) Suing Activision over World of Warcraft? Don't forget to subpoena Depeche Mode and Winona Rider, since she can "explain the significance of alienation in Catcher in the Rye." Makes sense
(Media Matters)(1247) Hannity: This is one of the coldest years on record, so global warming is a hoax. Science: This is one of the warmest years on record, so Hannity is a douche
(Some bereaved bovine)(91) Spotted cow removed from Mad River in NY. The image in your mind's eye is wrong
(National Review)(440) This is why you can't have nice things, America: "rather than a retelling of the Nativity story there will be a disco, a contemporary circus, a continental market and a seven foot fairy on stilts."
(Yahoo)(178) News media reports that Obama has pardoned his first turkey. AIG and GM beg to differ
(Fark)(59) It's the Fark Annual Thanksgiving Eve Draw A Hand Turkey For Mom Contest. Past losers include Jerry Garcia and James Doohan. LGT last year's results. VE. Gobble Gobble
(Some Guy)(71) Man smokes pack of cigarettes then hangs himself. See, those things will kill you
(Some Guy)(49) Georgia Supreme Court reverses theft conviction, rules a riding lawn mower isn't a "motor vehicle"
(WTHR)(348) Indiana schools face an epidemic of "ball tapping." You thought of a better headline, but were too busy crying on the floor in the fetal position to submit it
(MSNBC)(64) Obvious tag doesn't come even close: "Thanksgiving gatherings could spread swine flu"
(UPI)(86) Two arrested for threatening YouTube rap, are sentenced to read 80,000 barely literate YouTube comments
(Some Guy)(1259) Another reason China is kicking our ass: Push button boob jobs with instant D-liscious results
(Wall Street Journal)(51) "It often is reported that 46 million turkeys will be eaten on Thanksgiving, and that it is the busiest travel time of the year. Government statistics suggest that neither claim is accurate."
(The Local (Germany))(54) It's not quite Thanksgiving yet, but the Christmas trees are already trying to kill us all
(My Fox DC)(77) You claim the government owes you $200 million. Do you c) rent a van, hang a "My $200 Million Dollars" sign on it, park in the middle of the street two blocks from the White House, and start throwing Molotov cocktails?
(Orlando Sentinel)(26) If at first you don't succeed at breaking into a supermarket, trap, trap yourself in the ventilation system five years later
(Yahoo)(297) Studies show that men who stifle their anger at work are more than twice as likely to die of a heart attack; those that don't are more than twice as likely to die of malnutrition and exposure from living in a cardboard box
(Some Chick)(630) Ten secret text message codes parents need to pay special attention to. NALOPKT
(MSNBC)(307) You know that guy who spent 23 years in a coma but aware of everything going on? Even money says it's a hoax
(News.com.au)(33) Police searching for the grinch or grinches who crushed a gingerbread town containing 650 gingerbread homes. "The people who did this must be full of gingerbread dust. They will smell a long way."
(Telegraph)(60) Lovers reportedly have sex in clock tower in broad daylight - of course that's only second hand
(Some Guy)(86) Irish turn their annual Christmas lighting ceremony into a drunken riot. Once again
(Fox News)(484) Navy SEALS capture alleged terrorist behind Fallujah killings and mutilations, promptly face charges because they gave him a fat lip when they captured him
(Some Guy)(55) School district initiates hiring freeze.* (*Except for teachers, principals, assistant principals, cafeteria managers, school police officers, bus drivers, teachers' assistants, education aides and special education assistants)
(Some Guy)(16) Man robs bank, leaves crying - possibly withdrawn
(Ars Technica)(70) "Godfather of Spam" sentenced to 51 months of meat in his can
(Some Guy)(51) "Gunfight at Chicken World Leaves One Dead." Looks like someone went off half-cocked, but I think this reporter still deserves a Pullet Surprise
(Canada.com)(72) RCMP looking for millions in gold missing from Canada's mint have concluded that there was no theft involved, which leaves a relieved nation with only two alternate explanations: magic or gross incompetence
(College Humor)(97) Star Wars Facebook status updates. Something something Dark Side something something
(MetroWest Daily News)(31) "Polish-your-resume" unlikely: I don't recall leaking secret information about my political enemies. "Buy lube" unlikely: I don't recall firing that shotgun at police and anyway it was an accident
(ABA Journal)(78) Celebrated trial lawyer died driving unsafe and uncrashworthy SUV on negligently designed and maintained road that one or more persons had maliciously allowed to become wet in the rain. He never had a chance
(CNN)(237) That Kentucky census worker undressed himself, wrote "fed" on his chest, bound himself in duct tape and then hung himself. It's like Houdini but in reverse
(mediaite)(224) Drew Curtis on possible partnerships between Fark and other media outlets: "I can't go into any great detail because if it turns out some of these ideas suck as much or worse than a travel tab, we'll shiatcan 'em"
(National Review)(913) NYT, last year: "Check out these e-mails hacked from a Palin campaign staffer." Last week: "ClimateGate? Sorry; we will not publish illegally obtained e-mails." Bonus: BBC also tried to squash the story for two weeks
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