(UPI)(67) Calgary's divorce rate jumps 40 percent after the Calgary Stampede. "Thousands of beautiful men and women come out of the woodwork at Stampede and people look incredibly sexy when you put them in a cowboy hat"
(WAFB)(56) "Well, I guess this is a swamp, shark that lives in the swamp. You could call it a swamp shark."
(MSNBC)(95) Gold's Gym has named July "Cankle Awareness Month"
(Telegraph)(56) Michael Jackson had asked Nadya Suleman about adopting the Octots to offer them a bright future and because "Blanket would love to have more siblings."
(Daily Mail)(44) Englishwoman dials emergency hotline to report missing hamster. Dispatcher suggests she call Top Gere instead
(Pittsburgh Post-Gazette)(83) Investigation into a massive Democratic fraud ring in Pennsylvania's legislature heats up as more than 100 subpoenas flutter through the air like a ticker-tape parade
(Politico)(2345) Sarah Palin to step down as Alaska governor, possibly prepare for 2012 run for president. This is good news... for Tina Fey
(The State)(36) You think a holiday with your in-laws is uncomfortable, imagine being Gov. Mark Sanford (R-South Adulturerlina) this weekend
(Guardian)(54) How to eat a giant African land snail. If you must
(JSOnline)(50) Wisconsin commissions new symbol for state election agency, comes up with one that looks exactly like the anarchy symbol. "Irony is an overused word, but that's somewhat ironic in this case"
(TampaBay.com (St. Petersburg Tim)(19) Mattress salesman refuses to take being laid off lying down, gets in pillow fight with boss. Except not with a pillow
(Canada.com)(39) In Canada you can't be held criminally responsible for your actions if you're under 12, which is great news if you're a 9-year-old who wants to burn down an abandoned McDonald's
(LA Times)(46) For the first time ever, North Korea airs a beer commercial, which notes that the beer "relieves stress and improves health and longevity," as all Farkers can attest
(Boston Herald)(22) The shocking sequel to yesterday's story about former Turnpike employees not paying Turnpike tolls: former subway employees don't have to pay subway fares
(Boston Globe)(33) Union president says its unfair to require all Boston police to abstain from illegal drugs just because of 15 bad apples
(Canada.com)(18) Hearing examines whether police officer's thyroid problem means he shouldn't be fired for misplacing evidence and not doing his job
(National Post)(60) Owner of Chinese buffet chain offers free meals to Canadians on Canada Day to show his gratitude to the country, is immediately accused of violating human rights of non-Canadians
(Reuters)(180) Kenyans furious that Barack Obama won't visit the country where he was born during his trip to Africa
(LA Times)(103) Staples: you've got questions, we've got Michael Jackson's corpse on display next Tuesday
(Some Art Critic)(48) No matter how you try to justify it as art, the police aren't going to be too impressed when your canvas is a $1600 plasma tv at Sears and your subject is your penis
(Philly.com)(107) Pennsylvania bill makes it illegal to implant a microchip into a human being without his or her consent. An amendment is being offered to prohibit alien anal probes as well
(CNN)(44) Turns out that competitive eating leads to weight gain and clogged arteries. Huh. Whoda thunk it?
(WBBM)(82) "Officer, I'd like to report a crime. I was having sex with two women in my pool and a neighbor was, can you believe it, watching"
(WBBM)(20) Cabbie uses deodorant to disarm would-be robber
(Boston Herald)(61) Was it wrong to wish I'd nailed Farrah on her deathbed? Should I not have done that?
(My Fox DC)(47) 101 year old woman still delivering for Meals on Wheels after 28 years. FARK: Calls women in their 70's 'little old ladies'
(Denver Post)(36) When a fish snaps your pole and drags it into the frigid mountain water, just let it go, man, because it's gone
(Canoe)(16) It's nice to inform people you've recently had contact with that you may have swine flu, but you probably shouldn't do it in person
(News.com.au)(78) Study claims often-disputed power of positive thinking is real, but actually makes things worse. Go cry, emo guy
(The Register)(25) The prosecution would now like to call anyone with access to the internet [citation needed]
(NYPost)(23) When reporting on tomorrow's annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island, you have to include every hot dog-related pun known to man. It's the law. Wieners
(Snopes)(104) Did you know the ACLU is suing to remove all cross shaped headstones from national cemetaries, to keep Navy Chaplains from mentioning Jesus to keep Marines from bowing their heads, and to force your daughters to use crescent shaped IUDs?
(Wired)(28) Kansas court issues protection order banning harassement via electromagnetic radiation beamed into plantiff's head. With bonus mind control / gang-stalking whackjob commenters
(Daily Mail)(34) Misplaced period lands man in jail, rather than the more traditional marriage
(Daily Mail)(20) One British child under the age of 12 needs hospital treatment every 48 hours for drinking too much. You'd think he'd have learned his lesson by now
(London Times)(43) Police union under fire for writing 102-word sentence in official document, much too difficult to read for a society dumbed down to think in tweets
(Wired)(105) The $2.1M Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Grand Sport - the last King of the Gas Guzzlers ever to be made
(WWL)(124) New Orleans DA: If you have a gun in your car when you're arrested, we're keeping the gun, even if we drop the charges. ACLU: Not so fast, bub
(Some Bloke)(32) "The greatest pleasure I have ever known is when my eyes meet the eyes of a mate over the top of two foaming glasses of beer." Truer words have never been spoken, maaate
(Daily Mail)(68) News: Rare copy of US Declaration of Independence discovered in national archives. Fark: Of England
(Daily Mail)(57) Blind man sees wife for first time after having tooth implanted in his eye. Unfortunately, he also saw himself in the mirror. British dental care FTW
(Orlando Sentinel)(62) Boys with unpopular names such as Walter more likely to become criminals than boys with popular names. Reporter Walter Pacheco has the story
(CNN)(46) Meet Juliane Koepcke, who nearly 40 years ago fell nearly two MILES without a parachute, survived alone in the rainforest for ten days, and barely had a scratch. TA-DA
(Boston Globe)(21) Oregon woman obsessed with rabbits goes back to jail, proving once again that every bunny needs some bunny sometime
(AZCentral)(6) Although it worked for Cinderella, if you're a thief, you should not leave your shoe behind at the scene of the crime
(Time)(51) In celebration of the 4th of July Here's a brief history of OMGBBQ
(Some Guy)(53) "Bottom line, if people behave properly and don't act like an animal, they won't get tased and end up in a cage"
(NYPost)(52) You're upset that a nine-year-old girl had an argument with your daughter. Do you a) have them sit down and talk it out, b) speak to the girl's mother, or c) set her up for dates with middle-aged men on Craigslist?
(LA Times)(26) Meet Sha-lei, the red panda born June 13 at an Edmonton zoo. With adorable pics
(Denver Post)(35) Canine do it? You bet I can. A strong attitude helps a little 2 legged dog do anything it wants too
(WBBM)(168) FBI files reveal Saddam was scared shiat-less of Iran, so he made the whole thing up about having WMDs, and would have formed an alliance with the US. Ooooops
(Some Ida-ho)(176) Brother and sister arrested and charged with felony incest. But, hey, who hasn't wanted to bang his hot sis...WHOA - KILL IT WITH FIRE
(BBC)(54) Guinness is offering drinkers the chance to win a trip into space. Towel not included
(LA Times)(151) As if six year olds getting diabetes wasn't bad enough, they are now getting schizophrenia
(WGAL 8)(56) Hey guys, July 3rd. You know what that means. That's right, it's time to fight the Battle of Gettysburg all over again. Except this time, we're going to do it with embedded reporters
(CNN)(59) If you're a federal judge, you might not want to put that video of a man "cavorting with a sexually aroused farm animal" up on your personal web site. Or those pics of a woman shaving her pubic hair either
(AP)(103) Hortonville hottie humps a human ... 14-year-old boy. And gets impregnated by him. Again
(Yahoo)(160) Federal agents seize Bernie Madoff's penthouse and boot his wife out on her ass, refusing to let her take anything with her
Thu July 02, 2009:
(Wired)(67) You know you're a redneck when: C) Inspired by the recent movie UP, you take to the sky in a balloon-bouyed lawn chair
(News.com.au)(106) Newly-discovered Australian dinosaur was bigger, faster and more terrifying than a velociraptor. So let's call it Banjo
(Daily Mail)(219) If you're over 55 you're having the time of your life, but spare a thought to those under 25 who are cleaning your toilet - if they're lucky
(The Tennessean)(49) Two women make a smooth getaway with $1000 of stolen razors
(Yahoo)(79) "I love how it's not mushy like Play-Doh; it has an unyielding consistency and a good wide girth"
(Philly.com)(110) Fortune teller convinces teenage girls that having sex with him will make wishes come true. Of course, he didn't say whose wishes
(KCCI)(54) For the last time, when driving a car loaded with 60 pounds of hallucinogenic mushrooms, make absolutely certain to obey all traffic laws
(NW Florida Daily News)(22) Local businessman punches out photographer for taking his picture at a strip club "because of his standing in the community." Ending up on Fark probably not what he had in mind
(Shreveport Times)(103) 16-year old girl hears her mom scream and thinks she's being assaulted, so she and her friends come to her rescue with a baseball bat. Turns out mom was with her 25-year old boyfriend. Awkward
(Some Guy)(18) Catching your estranged husband in a tryst and threatening to "whomp some ass" with a baseball bat may not be the most romantic way to woo him back. It'll also cost you $981
(The Smoking Gun)(153) The Friday Mugshot Roundup, one day early to allow holiday celebration goodness. Subby is proud to be an American
(YouTube)(70) Today's great moment in breakfast food marketing is brought to you by Hardee's
(Philly.com)(61) Work begins to fix NJ Turnpike Bottleneck. This is not a repeat from 1951, 1952, 1956, 1966, 1968, 1970, 1982, 1990, 1998, 2004, 2007
(Houston Chronicle)(52) Urine tester caught taking bribes. Authorities are pissed, say he's whizzed his life away. Suspect unsure how news of his corruption leaked
(Guardian)(76) Charges dropped in "pizza delivery driver helps rape victim case" due to the biatch being a liar
(TMZ)(68) Gary Coleman's short-tempered wife arrested for domestic battery, tells arresting officers that she has a small problem (with EEEK mugshot)
(Some Guy)(76) A man carrying a sandwich was attacked by a black bear in his driveway. With pic of what it might look like if you got biatchslapped by a black bear for a sandwich
(National Review)(204) From the people who brought you The War on Christmas™ and The War on Easter™ comes this summer's blockbuster new sequel. Yep, you guessed it: It's The War on the 4th of July™. Here we go again.......AGAIN
(Denver Post)(58) Cop arrested for beating his wife, even though it was in the contract
(6)
(49)
(116)
(47)
(64)
(39)
(69)
(66)
(82)
(67)
(56)
(50)
(19)
(39)
(43)
(22)
(180)
(82)
(47)
(23)
(168)
(176)