(CBS News)(87) Lots and lots of people would rather die than continue working for France Telecom
(Daily Mail)(231) Doctors discover patient trapped in a 23-year 'coma' has been conscious all along
(MSNBC)(98) Despite efforts to discourage them, Iraqi refugees keep flocking to Detroit, since living in a war-torn third world hellhole reminds them of home
(Washington Post)(159) Congratulations to the unnamed motorist who received Virginia's first $1,000 traffic ticket for his/her fourth HOV (high occupancy vehicle) lane violation
(NBC Bay Area)(77) If you are in Salinas, CA on Tuesday night and find yourself at a DUI checkpoint, you will either be going to jail or getting a free turkey
(THR)(28) Next on the docket: Case No. 1950cv05050: Mouse vs. Duck for trademark infringement. Bonus: The summons was served by Goofy
(Statesman)(45) The coolest Human-Powered Road-Going Viking Boat you'll see today
(Minneapolis Star Tribune)(136) Kid with terminal cancer is close to death and doesn't want to burden his family with restoring his prized Pontiac Fiero. Help comes in from all over the world. Hero tag runs over Dumbass tag for restoring a Fiero
(Marietta Daily Journal)(48) Georgia's Supreme Court made it legal for 16-year-olds to fark their teachers last year, but wouldn't you know it, some party-poopers are trying to change that. Why won't they think of the children?
(Some Guy)(56) When your guys are already out there on camera beating up protesters and gadflies, it's a really bad time to start a fight with the Boy Scouts
(Some NASA Contest)(35) Design a patch for the final shuttle mission. Difficulty: has to include mission number STS-134
(AP)(33) Another sign of a reviving economy: Michael Jackson's glove sells for $350,000, his fedora for $22,000 and his collection of Diana Ross albums for $10,000
(Lancashire Evening Post)(66) Flooding continues in Lancashire. Maybe if they drilled some drainage holes...about 4,000 should do the trick
(Fox News)(108) Man to marry his virtual girlfriend this weekend. Newlyweds will honeymoon at resort basement with a window view outside
(BBC)(152) Ahmadinejad in Tehran has a plot / But the US and Israelis think not / So they'll ready their planes / Cos they think he's insane / And build the world's biggest glass parking lot
(Examiner)(37) Be glad for the tryptophan in the turkey on Thanksgiving. It blocks the 9 aphrodisacs from turning family dinner into a hillbilly honeymoon
(Examiner)(210) Las Vegas passes law requiring all dogs and cats be sterilized. You bet your dog wants a bus ticket. So does your cat
(Daily Mail)(46) Brits up in arms over proposal to have their national health system provide counseling to couples whose marriages are on the rocks. Not like there's any link between relationship stability and health, after all
(CBS4.com)(97) Tween pop star holds concert in mall. A twangle of tweens riot before show begins. Police arrest tween star's manager for failing to twitter to the tweens about the twangle. All twue
(The New York Times)(112) Nurturing, caring and not-at-all helicoptery Manhattan parents hire tutors to get their kids ahead on the big entrance exam...for kindergarten
(CNN)(22) Iran to conduct another photoshop exercise
(Gizmodo)(78) Earth's weather like you have never seen it before... with a little help from NASA's GEOS-5 atmospheric general circulation model
(Zim Diaspora)(92) Running errands for his job, man is kidnapped by 3 women, locked in a church, forced to have sex, then dumped at a shopping center. Cool story, bro
(Chicago Tribune)(31) The Statue of Liberty. Mount Rushmore. The Washington Monument. And now, Billy Carter's gas station. Wait, what?
(Boing Boing)(150) Britain's new internet law is as bad as everyone's been saying, and worse. Much, much worse
(Asbury Park Press)(44) Macy's Thanksgiving parade changes route; Charlie Brown balloon to get a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue
(Some Guy)(239) School board expels student for having legally possessed, unloaded shotguns off school property. In other news, schools are using dogs to search parked cars anywhere they damn well please, because it's for the children
(Amazon)(64) The greatest Amazon customer reviews you'll read since the Tuscan Milk. Bonus product pictures
(Tech Generation)(39) Scottish "brain scientist" urges schools to ditch computers for something called "books." With picture of what books might look like
(ABC)(284) Ft. Hood shooter paralyzed, incontinent, reports Journal of the World's Tiniest Violin
(Google)(182) If you are receiving monthly insurance checks because you have claimed you are too depressed to work, it would be wise not to post pictures of yourself smiling in a bikini on the beach on Facebook
(ABC27)(102) Radiation leak reported at Three Mile Island nuclear plant, no danger to public reported. No, this is not a repeat from 1979
(Fox News)(35) Fun-loving San Francisco cable car decides to give passengers an impromptu reminder of Newton's First Law of Motion
(Some Guy)(58) From The Article: He confessed saying he had snapped when he saw her shock at finding him masturbating while pulling on a scarf tied tight around his neck
Sat November 21, 2009:
(News 1130)(113) You've shot yourself in the foot. Do you a) go to the hospital, b) call an ambulance, or c) try to handle it yourself, and die from loss of blood/shock?
(SignOnSanDiego)(104) Man attacked by assailants intent on stealing loaf of bread. It's a wonder he survived
(Telegram)(39) Progress: Story about cat stuck on top of utility pole has video. Fail: three minutes of cat's owner saying how smart her cat is, zero minutes of rescue. Adapt or die, newspapers
(Tribune-Review)(184) Pittsburgh plans to tax college students, wants them to pay fair share
(Seattle Times)(94) Genetics anti-bias law takes effect today, forcing insurance companies, employers to use outward appearance to discriminate against you
(Some slow moving Guy)(66) It's a boy: Zoo tortoise reveals mistaken identity after 50 years, so the zoo renamed the tortoise Terry formally known as Mary
(Some Guy)(45) Like some Farkers' dream girls, this suspect had nice melons and 800 pounds of pot. Unfortunately, that's where the similarities end
(LA Times)(104) When schools remove chocolate milk from the cafeteria they are simultanously bombarded with student protests and expensive dairy industry media campaigns
(Time)(189) Funny, subby's cold-as-a-fish ex-wife is also named Wendy. I hope this doesn't get greenlit
(Oxford Mail Guy)(117) Not news: dark-skinned man illegally parks car in London. Still not news: it's a riced-out Honda. Fark: cops blow it up as a terrorist threat
(Telegram)(59) Not-Christmas not-tree decorated with not-lights will sit on city common this generic holiday season
(Telegraph)(41) Rice paddy art. Sure it's a slide show, but if they can plan and plant this and erect a tower to view it from, surely you can manage to move your mouse
(Some Guy)(153) University bars 30+ students from graduating due to their obesity. This headline would have been funnier, but I'm busy trying to explain to my parents why I won't be getting my degree in Communications
(CNN)(57) School for the blind in Baghdad gets aid shipment. I SAID SCHOOL FOR THE BLIND IN BAGHDAD GETS AID SHIPMENT
(The Pulse)(223) One would think that packing heat in a bar is a recipe for disaster. Sadly, it took one of those crazy "activist judges" to finally use some common sense
(Telegraph)(26) Duke of Northumberland, who owns Hogwarts, is not real Duke of Northumberland, alleges retired hockey player from New Zealand
(Yahoo)(167) Nearly 40% of all Americans ages 18 to 24 were enrolled in college this year, ensuring us a future of very well educated fast food workers and Walmart clerks
(Reading Eagle)(27) If you stole someone's five-foot good luck distelfink, the Pennsylvania Dutch would like to speak to you, and remind you that stealing good luck symbols is bad luck
(ABC)(194) Semi-nude Victoria's Secret fashion models reveal untold talents and you've already clicked the link, haven't you? Have I told you about my mother lately? No, she's doing fine, just making cheesecake and some muffins this morning
(Ohio.com)(36) If police are kind enough to place your bank robbery note in front of you, you might as well eat it. Claim is was bad poetry later (with dashcam munching video)
(Some Guy)(36) The US Postal Service agrees to allow Santa's enslaved work force to continue to receive his mail
(Intelligencer)(26) General Washington and Continental Army worry that park closure may disrupt secret plan to cross Delaware, surprise Hessians at Trenton
(asylum.com)(93) Certain letters burn out on Elmhurst Hospital sign to create second sign full of win
(Stuff.co.nz)(1071) Two-year-old Shyla, a cat-loving chihuahua, decided to start nursing seven abandoned kittens, just in time for Caturday
(LA Times)(30) Man arrested at airport with 15 live lizards strapped to chest. Custom agents became suspicious after hearing voices with Cockney accents offering a savings of 15% on car insurance
(Some Guy)(86) There isn't a facepalm big enough: couple claims Michael Jackson is appearing in their child's ultrasound. "It is my seventh child, and seven is a mythical number."
(Google)(42) ♫ I took a little souvenir-o of a man / Stole a tooth, stole a tooth, fingers and a ver-te-bra / Hidden out of sight, but now they'll see the light again / GALILEO galileo GALILEO galileo Galileo Figaro / Magnificoooooo ♫
(Ventura County Star)(22) Man offers to pay kid to spit in his face, gets arrested. In related news, "annoying a child" is a crime. Don't anyone tell subby's teenager
(WCCO.com)(40) Police To Man: Why did you crash into this building? Man: Because the FBI have a mind-reading device in there, of course. Police: This isn't an FBI building
(The Age (Melbourne))(190) Human Fat found in cosmetics. You submitted this with a Tyler Durden reference
(The Consumerist)(130) Going to the movies this weekend? Chow down three McDonald's Quarter Pounders and 12 pats of butter before you go. It'll be healthier than ordering a medium popcorn (without butter)
(Some Guy)(60) Two girls make 1st Cornhole Cup a success
(Michelle Malkin)(867) If you have hacked your way into the world's most prestigious global warming center and downloaded documents indicating the whole thing is a hoax, quite a few people would like a word with you
(The Roanoke Times)(16) Tupperware crash causes delays on interstate, officials reportedly couldn't contain the spill
(Some Guy)(55) China's corn output is likely to drop during 2010 due to continued drought in the North East region
(Daily Mail)(39) Yorkshire Ripper nearly blinded by Broadmoor Killer. No, this is not a story about pro-wrestling
(TampaBay.com (St. Petersburg Tim)(54) When the police knock on your door, it's best not to answer it while covered in bank dye and holding a big bag of crack
(Some Guy)(30) Man hhhhhholds up bank armed only with his hhhhhhalitosis
(Some Guy)(43) Angry man in van terrorizes peaceful island for years; now the lead singer of the Killer Bagels is dead. Not a movie plot, unfortunately
(The Consumerist)(667) Apple tells smokers who have sent their machines in for repair that their warranty is voided, because it doesn't cover damage caused by second-hand smoke. WHERE IS YOUR OS X NOW?
(TheIndyChannel)(74) Doughnut shop robbed and employees forced to remove pants at gunpoint; unbelievably, police were nowhere to be found
(Washington Post)(53) AAA releases their much anticipated report concluding that many people will be driving during the Thanksgiving holiday
(Some Guy)(93) Woman wakes up to find a strange man wearing her bra and panties (w/ picture of what a strange man who wears bras and panties might look like)
(Fark)(125) Nominations now open for Fark's 2009 Headline of the Year contest (repost, link goes to Monday's thread)
(CBC)(60) Residents of Cockermouth are rescued from their homes by dinghys on Friday after heavy rain caused flooding in Cumbria
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