(CNN)(13) CNN holds a four person roundtable discussion on Amanda Beard "dissing" Michael Phelps. It's not news, it's CNN. Bonus not gay columnist commentary
(Fox News)(44) Senator tied to sex ring allowed to use campaign money for legal fees
(CNN)(62) The whale that tried to breast feed off of a yacht, well, they were going to euthanize it and he disappeared. Johnny the hungry shark unavailable for comment
(BBC)(73) Message-in-a-bottle sender tracked down after 23 years, fined for littering
(Some Guy)(97) How many goats are you worth, you infidel?
(WWNY-7)(449) Knocked-up welfare ho threatens to blow up Department of Social Services... Why, because you can't use food stamps to buy Mad Dog?
(NW Florida Daily News)(150) Think being punished by deep south state troopers is bad? That'll be nothing in comparison to what Uncle Sam does to the 12 Air Force men and women arrested after they were clocked at 143 mph on their way to a charity event
(KARE11)(325) Prostitution as a summer job is yet another sign teachers aren't paid what they are worth (w/pic)
(BBC)(78) Despite protests from the headline act, the last stop on the Gary Glitter 2008 World Paedophile Tour will now be London, where his entrance will receive the greeting it deserves
(Breitbart.tv)(62) Pottery Gang War results in shots fired into on man's building. Police get involved before somebody gets kilned
(The Local (Sweden))(40) Leader of cowboy-themed Christian sect in Sweden accused of being weird or something
(New York Daily News)(37) Firefighters responding to a small blaze at a Brooklyn warehouse smoke out .... uh ... a large pot-growing operation .... uh ... dude .... hee hee
(CNN)(107) Here's your update on that kite-surfer dude: Upgraded from critical to serious, able to walk, has broken rib and ankle, spinal fractures and brain swelling, but dumbass is still intact
(Wall Street Journal)(170) Hippest second-grade teacher ever gets his kids hooked on Coltrane, and now they're at work saving Trane's house from the wrecking ball
(Politico)(1224) If a reporter asks how many houses you own and you say "I'll have my staff get to you".... you might be an elitist
(The Sun)(86) Squirrel with a coconut on its head - pic 2. The Sun is there
(CNN)(118) What was that sound? Oh, just another deadline for a Russian pull-out soon to be whistling past
(Fox News)(37) Wildlife refuge to local residents. "There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your morning. By the way, has anyone noticed an escaped 600-lb tiger in their yard?"
(KnoxNews)(280) Today's school shooting with sparse details brought to you by Knoxville, TN
(Minneapolis Star Tribune)(155) Love triangle ends with two murders, suicide. Husband's worst sphere came true when obtuse wife started dating acute guy she met online
(Kingston Daily Freeman)(97) Hello muddah, hello faddah / Caught some pervs at / Camp Granada / Something something / 'bout my peener / Also, handing Playboy out's a misdemeanor
(Salon)(117) Women writers weigh in at length on whether the semicolon is an effeminate punctuation mark, don't spend much time dwelling on the period
(Daily Mail)(151) Living with humans has taught dogs morals. Your dog wants to have an open and honest conversation about the ethical ramifications of subjugating another living being for one's personal amusement
(Telegraph)(134) Eh oop, lad; these poncy sahthern names won't doa 'eear i' Yorksha. Nowt wrang wi' Percy Drive or Boltby, choom
(WWL)(297) Louisiana governor won't renew order barring discrimination based upon race and sexual orientation, because "it could cause problems with faith-based organizations' ability to contract with the state"
(Reuters)(82) Not news: Fight clubs. News: Where contestants wear gloves and fencing masks. Fark: Run by martial arts dorks who take this fight-club crap seriously
(Some Guy)(56) Photoshop this pipe-smoking 50's office drone
(Detroit Free Press)(190) Man passes 9-foot tapeworm days after eating uncooked salmon salad. Files $100,000 lawsuit for pain and suffering, new toilet
(Arizona Star)(39) Mary had a little man, whose beard was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went the knife wielding, corset wearing maniac was sure to go
(MSNBC)(159) More people are starting to party like it's 1699
(Some Guy)(229) Sci-fi author John Scalzi delivers black velvet Wesley Crusher painting to Wil Wheaton
(SFGate)(80) A massive mechanical mole that has spent the last five years burrowing through Southern California resurfaced Wednesday. Eeeew
(Fond du Lac Reporter)(37) Woman accused of assaulting her husband with a knife and a large number of tomatoes
(Farktography)(287) Theme of Farktography Contest No. 172: "Silhouettes". Details and rules in first post. LGT next week's theme
Wednesday, August 20, 2008:
(Some Guy)(73) Is it legal to give a baby wine at a horse show? Police standing nearby: Nay
(Livenews)(181) Not News: Man decides to end it all by shooting himself in the head. News: Five times. Fark: And survives
(Some Guy)(247) Cop looking at students' MySpace page while giving an Internet safety presentation calls their pictures "slutty" and says he shared them with a sex predator in prison
(Breitbart.com)(190) Rep. Stephanie Tubbs-Jones' condition re-downgraded to dead
(NW Florida Daily News)(654) High school principal outs a lesbian student to her parents, suspends students who support her
(Yahoo)(214) Five of the greatest hoaxes of all time. Strangely enough, golden plates and magic spectacles are mentioned nowhere
(Some Guy)(121) Teacher at Christian school teaches 14-year old exactly how Adam and Eve had Cain and Abel. "Do not hit" pic included
(Blueweeds)(94) Not news: Local offical pulled over for speeding. News: Cop offers to let him off because he is driving a hydrogen car. Fark: Official insists on getting a ticket to illustrate the speed of the hydrogen car
(Some Guy)(80) How to rob a bank with only an 'Out Of Order' sign
(Local6)(109) Residents of Melbourne, Fla. not only dealing with historic flooding from TS Fay, they are now contending with alligators patrolling those flooded streets
(The Consumerist)(84) Hutchinson, Kansas will hit 92 degrees on Friday, but that won't stop Hobby Lobby from selling Christmas trees in August. there are only 126 days left, people
(Some Angoleiro)(161) Man dance-fights carjacker and wins. No word on whether he was a Shark or a Jet
(AP)(79) French ban TV channels and programming aimed at children under three, claiming it will damage their development. That's absurd, American kids have been watching tv practically since birth, and. . . uh-oh
(USA Today)(40) Old and busted: scrap thieves stealing drain covers and sewer grates. New hotness: scrap thieves stealing cemetery urns and mausoleum gates
(Atlanta Journal Constitution)(133) Atlanta school superintendent faces resignation petitions for suggesting that Idaho does not have black people
(Minneapolis Star Tribune)(167) City builds new $16 million elementary school. Residents vote against referendum that would have paid to staff and run the school, so it'll sit empty
(AP)(277) Bush administration set to withdraw all troops from Iraqi cities by June 30th
(Some Suicidal guy)(91) Guy who killed 11 people while trying to commit suicide gets 11 life terms. You can't has death penalty
(AFP)(176) Giving blood may soon go the way of winding your watch or changing your record needle, as scientists announce a new technique to create unlimited blood supplies from stem cells
(Some Fiend)(222) This is why it's so difficult to find a nymphomaniac who doesn't make your life hell
(WBBM)(75) Please be sure your seats are in the upright and locked position. You are now free to surf the internet for porn
(WNBC)(36) Man calls cops after gas station refuses to give him refund for box of condoms. Police say they will probably toss out charge against him this time, won't do hard time
(Some Guy)(117) Student creates fake restaurant with "bumbling" menu & subpar wine list, submits it to Wine Spectator magazine as part of her research--and wins Award of Excellence. Where is your sommelier now?
(AP)(76) If you're going to grow marijuana, at least don't grow it on your driveway in plain view
(Canada.com)(96) Obama / Sutherland '08? McCain / Cyrus for America? Hell, why not at this point
(CBC)(87) Montreal voted best city in the world and will occupy Boardwalk, the most expensive square in newest version of Monopoly. The houses will still be made out of plastic though
(AP)(29) NATO general says Pakistan chaos emboldens Taliban. Taliban respond that they'd rather be italicized
(MSNBC)(195) Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones, who was in critical condition, then dead, is now alive
(Lexington Herald Leader)(100) Former Kentucky gubernatorial candidate wasn't attempting to intice young girls into his king sized waterbed, he was merely offering their grandmother "a good fattening hog"
(CBS News)(108) School bus mishap winds up with 6 year old boy wandering alone in Mexico--but on the plus side, the kid won a bundle at the cockfights in TJ
(WTMJ)(51) $20,000 worth of gas missing from gas station, that's like 10 gallons
(BBC)(128) Great tits are packing up and heading for cooler climates in response to global warming. EVERYBODY PANIC
(WESH Orlando)(33) When operating a gasoline engine, it's best not to do so in your living room
(Guardian)(717) One in five women in America are remaining childless throughout their lives, twice the proportion of a generation ago when women wore short, delicate skirts and stockings more often
(Dayton Daily News)(85) Minor fender bender turned crack-fueled rampage brought to you by the letters F and L
(CBS4.com)(134) Today's Jesus in a piece of wood comes with a twist. Flip the wood upside down and Jesus turns into the devil
(Network World)(171) FTC essentially bans prerecorded telemarketing drivel. It's not the "electrocute the bastards by pressing the pound key" solution we were hoping for, but it's still a good thing
(The Register)(65) Boy discovers the hard way why it's a bad idea to have a fart-lighting competition next to a gasoline can. Bonus police quote, "I think he must have won the competition"
(Houston Chronicle)(52) Man attempts the old "I couldn't have flashed that cop because my junk is too small to see" defense, with predictable results
(CNN)(193) Mark Chapman says he is ashamed that he killed John Lennon. Parole Board gives him squishy hug and lets him out. Nah, just kidding, he's not going anywhere
(ABC)(172) Article asks, "If you had $147,000 to spend on scientific research, would you rather try to find a cure for cancer or see whether women get sexually aroused while watching pornography?"
(Aftenposten.no)(198) Russia to cease all military exercises with NATO members, except for invading them
(Some Guy)(74) You probably shouldn't flash a bikini-clad barista who's holding a cup of boiling water. "Kylie opened the door and threw boiling hot water on his face and his chest and he said oooh yeah."
(Washington Post)(314) Job-seeker who changed her gender goes to court. (with "you ain't foolin' anyone" pic)
(CBS13.com - CBS Sacramento)(93) Caught on tape: Woman takes on 6'5", 215 pound, shotgun-wielding convenience store robber and wins
(CBS News)(55) Monkey escapes Dragnet at Tokyo station, promptly falls into pagan clutches
(Sun Sentinel)(143) PETA may buy Seaworld from new owners InBev. So if you were thinking of eating Shamu, you'd better act fast
(Live Science)(50) Bigfoot hoax could cost police officer his job--presumably because anyone that bad at falsifying evidence wouldn't make a good policeman
(Some Guy)(240) Do corporations really pay no taxes? Or is it just a bunch of overhyped media BS on a slow news day? The real numbers indicate the latter
(Baltimore Sun)(119) Step 1: Steal signs from the roofs of Pizza Hut cars and demand $500 for their return. Step 2: Send a cell phone photo to prove you have them, kindly including your license plate in the pic. Step 3: Earn the tag
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