Drew calls the betting line on swine flu, oil prices and other items that will be in the news this week. Also, some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 8/23 - 8/29
Posted by Drew at 2009-08-31 2:05:31 PM (47 comments) | Permalink
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Well, things are settling into the Fall routine. Baseball season is winding down, football season is winding up, and sportswriters can talk about all of that and hockey and basketball, too. You'll soon be getting your fill of the terms "wildcard," "pre-season favorite," and the newly added "What the hell ever happened to Notre Dame, anyway?" Hurricane season has been quiet so far, so expect the hype to return to swine flu, with at least some of the tinfoil-hatters eventually making it the nefarious plot of some shadow group or aliens.
As we like to do every other week or so, here are the stories for Fark's betting line with the odds. Feel free to add your own odds to your own stories in the thread, if you like.
• Oil rises to $75/barrel on news that next weekend is a three-day weekend (3:1)
• Favre injures shoulder (22:1)
• While cashing a check from the Vikings (2:1)
• Following Jaycee Dugard story, media wonders if someone in your neighborhood might be a similar freak, raises suspicions about neighbors who have sheds (8:1)
• Following story, SWAT team kicks in local man's shed, arrests suspicious-looking lawnmower, rake (7:1)
• Media announces officially that the Kennedy dynasty is over, asks "Who is the next political family dynasty?" (5:1)
• Limbaugh, Beck and Hannity race to their microphones to call it for the Bush family, totally dissing the Udalls (2:1)
• School closes on swine flu fears (16:1)
• Turns out it was just the common cold (2:1)
• School stays closed the remainder of the week anyway, "just in case" (5:1)
• Television characters start twittering in-show (7:1)
• Japan announces moon mission (32:1)
• Astronaut outfits become latest Japanese fetish craze (4:1)
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-08-23 to Sat 2009-08-29:
Greece fire still burning out of control
If you're a veteran who recently received a letter stating that you have Lou Gehrig's disease, raise your hand. If you can do that, the letter was a mistake
Police in London solve 1 crime for every 1000 CCTV cameras. Or about 2 for every 1984
"Man Accused Of Having Sex With Underage Teen In Court." Next time, try a hotel room
An unknown species of an eyeless crustacean was discovered lurking inside a lava tube beneath the seafloor, spends its time greenlighting repeat articles
BBC does hard-hitting exposé of Chinglish. Submitter need lift heavy heart for when Fark mod no gift green happy light on much importance submitted link
"What's Wrong With Washington." Sorry, but an 800-word article can't even summarize a draft of an outline of the table of contents of a glossary of a card catalog of a book collection about what's wrong with Washington
Ancient burial site discovered in Greece. No sign of nine-headed monsters; the land was de-hydrated
Toddler who wandered away from daycare caught by two state police officers; boy may be charged with resisting a rest
India loses contact with an unmanned spacecraft conducting its first moon mission. Support techs ask Mission Control to confirm that the spacecraft is turned on and that it is currently plugged in
51% of American adults say alcohol more dangerous than marijuana, 25% say they're equal, 24% want some pizza
England retakes The Ashes by defeating Australia 2-1 with 332 to 1+E0.03 squared, in 90.5 overs, two platapii, and a slightly damp sandwich
Kenny Chesney commissioned to write theme song for ESPN's college football broadcasts. Contract reportedly includes unlimited supply of mesh half-shirts, male cheerleaders
Angels request Stairway To Heaven, settle for Kazmir
Paleontologist plans to manipulate chicken embryos to create a dinosaur. Worst case scenario, we all get killed by dinosaurs. Best case scenario, Dino McNuggets for everyone
Nitrous oxide is destroying the Earth. Stop laughing, dammit
Hold me closer, Tianyuraptor
Eddie Izzard's running 40 marathons in 47 days for Comic Relief. His recipe? Cake now, death later
Gerard Butler seen holding hands with Jennifer Aniston, fueling rumors that he's the next person in line to eventually flee from Jennifer Aniston running and screaming
Anne Heche complains on national TV about having to pay $3700 a month child support to her good-for-nothing ex-husband. Life's a biatch and then you bi
Rudy Giuliani to consider running for New York Governor's office, says he'll be sure in 9 to 11 days
Big-city mayor resigns, petitions to run in special election to replace himself, then drops out. Voices in head finally reach consensus on running for Congress
Cheney accuses Obama of politicizing the Justice Department. Cheney. Accuses Obama. Of politicizing the Justice Department
Zakk Wylde undergoes emergency procedure to remove blood clot. Ozzy Osbourne unintelligible for comment
Pyromaniac causes hysteria at Def Leppard show leaving the fire department high and dry, Yeah
Tim McGraw won't put up with abuse at his concerts, unlike the audience
The top U.S. beer brewers say they are raising prices this fall because they can barley make ends meet
Ikea is actually owned by a non-profit corporation, part of a tax avoidance scheme so complicated it's like putting together a Leksvik three-door wardrobe ($349 at your local Ikea)
FCC begins wireless probe, which should be slightly more comfortable
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