FARK.com: Blog (Drew): Running from Tobagos, land speed in hectares per hogshead and a whole new breed of enamel: Headlines of the Week 8/2 to 8/8

Running from Tobagos, land speed in hectares per hogshead and a whole new breed of enamel: Headlines of the Week 8/2 to 8/8
Posted by Drew at 2009-08-10 1:26:32 PM (37 comments) | Permalink

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No writeup this week; Drew's still hung over.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-08-02 to Sat 2009-08-08:

Scientist claims sex without condoms is good for you. Here comes the professor

Mother and Daughter severely ill after their E Coli was contaminated with British food

American man pulled over for speeding in Canada explains that he thought the road signs were in miles per hour, not the hectares per hogshead or whatever the hell it is they use there

Domino's giving away lava cakes for the 24 hours of Obama's birthday. Lava comes from volcanoes, Kenya has 24 volcanoes. It all makes perfect sense now, how could we have been so blind?

Creationist theme park to be seized by the federal government for tax evasion. I guess they didn't see that situation evolving

Hugo Chavez becomes a major threat to Americans everywhere as it's announced he's seizing coffee companies. THIS IS NOT THE STORY I WANTED TO SEE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING

Many British dentists earn over £200k. Where do they find such lucrative second jobs?

Flatfoots ferret out fleeing fugitive in freezer. Dogs detect chillin' felon; earn extra eats. Crook hooked; hastily hoicked to hoosegow, tarrying till trial

DC offers free STD tests to high school students. Who wants teachers catching anything these days?

Warning of violence issued after man attacks couple in Tobago. He must've been a good runner, because those things go really fast downhill

Milk tanker overturns on Tennessee highway, local residents urged not to cry

Sports:

Soccer players take a stand for gay pride, which is entirely appropriate as both groups go all weak at the knees if someone looks at them intently

Tiger shoots final-round 69, wins 69th PGA Tour Event, hopes for numerical trend to continue later tonight with Elin

Mariners fight strip club opening near ballpark, eliminating the most likely way their team will get to second base

Geek:

Experts grow new teeth in adult mice. This is a whole new breed of enamel

Incredibly detailed pictures of Betelgeuse. Incredibly detailed pictures of Betelgeuse. Incredibly detailed pictures of Betelgeuse

14,000-year-old map found engraved chunk of rock in Europe, determined to still be more accurate than Mapquest

Showbiz:

Jenna Jameson to pose for Playboy. This is like closing the barn door after the horse has gotten out, been ridden hard by 6000 jockeys and turned into dog food

Andre the Giant consumed 7,000 calories of alcohol on a daily basis. His bar bill during shooting of "The Princess Bride" was $40K. He once drank 119 bottles of beer in six hours. I say we canonize the dude

Rosie O'Donnell denies that her partner has somehow escaped her gravitational field

Politics:

Sen. Arlen Specter has a challenger in the 2010 Democratic primary, Rep. Joe Sestak, who announced today surrounded by his family--Marshall, Will, Holly and Cha-ka

Senator Barbara Boxer (D-ipshiat) says health care protestors can't be real because they're not dressed like slobs

Congressmen receives death threats over healthcare plan. On the good side, he's got a great medical plan through his employer, so if he's only wounded, he should be okay

Music:

Fred Durst says new Limp Bizkit album will sound like Neil Diamond. Neil Diamond reportedly put on 24-hour suicide watch after hearing claim

Katy Perry is in awe of Gwen Stefani's staying power and her continued artistic integrity. And then they totally started hungrily making out. Okay that last part isn't true

Bob Dylan concert cancelled due to "risk too great for all involved." Surprisingly, this has nothing to do with his music

Business:

Profits at Tokyo Disneyland fall by 78 percent due to bad weather, fear of swine flu, and underperforming used Snow White panties vending machines

When it comes to drinking with colleagues, the risk is very high that something negative will come out of it, or what Fark calls its bread and butter

Alabama city destroying ancient Indian ceremonial mound to create a Sam's Club. Have they never seen a scary movie?

· · ·

(view entire blog)

37 Comments (+0 »)

albo		2009-08-10 01:33:38 PM

No writeup this week; Drew's still hung over

you lazy sack of sugar

Rev.K		2009-08-10 01:36:26 PM

What about the "milk comes in bags in the UK, just like Prince Charles" headline? That one was really good.

40below		2009-08-10 01:41:49 PM

Rev.K: What about the "milk comes in bags in the UK, just like Prince Charles" headline? That one was really good

That one never went green.

/ grumbles at the unfairness of it all

AirForceVet		2009-08-10 01:48:04 PM

Woohoo, one of mine made on drewslist.

/Hey, it's been a long dry spell on greenlights.
//Much like my sex life. :-(

oldfarthenry		2009-08-10 01:58:15 PM

B-b-but the metric system is used by every country in the world except the really backward sh*tty ones like Liberia, Myanmar and the Paranoid States of 'merikuh!

DammitIForgotMyLogin		2009-08-10 01:58:34 PM

Hmm.

I had two headlines this week that I thought had a chance of making the list, but an entirely different one made it instead.

SimonSnAkeYeS		2009-08-10 02:04:25 PM

Is Fark.com Sports tab Yardbarked right now?

thelordofcheese		2009-08-10 02:04:31 PM

Oh, I missed the soccer one. No one mentioned Jonny McGovern.
/well, someone alluded to him...

MuadDib		2009-08-10 02:09:40 PM

I really wasn't expecting to be on the list this week. Pleasant surprise to make the cut.

That_Dude		2009-08-10 02:10:00 PM

What happened to the small plane/helicopter headline?

tuna fingers		2009-08-10 02:11:35 PM

DammitIForgotMyLogin: Hmm.

I had two headlines this week that I thought had a chance of making the list, but an entirely different one made it instead.

Lest you forget, I submitted that one with a funnier headline to boot.

DammitIForgotMyLogin		2009-08-10 02:12:15 PM

That_Dude: What happened to the small plane/helicopter headline?

That was yesterday, wasn't it? It'll be eligible for the next list

At least, that's the reason i'm telling myself the "import cat" headline wasn't on this list :D

DammitIForgotMyLogin		2009-08-10 02:12:58 PM

tuna fingers: DammitIForgotMyLogin: Hmm.

I had two headlines this week that I thought had a chance of making the list, but an entirely different one made it instead.

Lest you forget, I submitted that one with a funnier headline to boot.

That wouldn't surprise me, link?

jayhawk88		2009-08-10 02:17:31 PM

Whoo, scored a headline of the week! Boobies!

markyp09		2009-08-10 02:20:29 PM

SimonSnAkeYeS: Is Fark.com Sports tab Yardbarked right now?

Instead of clicking on the Sports tab, go to fark.com/sports

warwick_hunt		2009-08-10 02:20:49 PM

Talking about funny rejected headlines, can a total farker pass on the message that was left on my rejected one about the O'Nion boy who was electrocuted.

"[Main] What would you like on your hot dog Mr Darwin? Just some grilled O'Nion please"

If the story was deemed distasteful, fair do's, however it was similar to the prat who fried in the train yard today.

I doubt I'll ever be that funny ever again, that's all! :(

albo		2009-08-10 02:22:19 PM

warwick_hunt: If the story was deemed distasteful, fair do's, however it was similar to the prat who fried in the train yard today.

?

maybe you need to get a grasp of english and you'll do better in the greenlight department.

warwick_hunt		2009-08-10 02:28:18 PM

albo:
maybe you need to get a grasp of english and you'll do better in the greenlight department.

Thanks for the constructive critique, I hope your stupid dog gets eaten by a grue.

40below		2009-08-10 02:29:11 PM

warwick_hunt: I doubt I'll ever be that funny ever again

You didn't set that bar particularly high.

warwick_hunt		2009-08-10 02:32:38 PM

40below:
You didn't set that bar particularly high.

I never do, that way I'm rarely disappointed.

albo		2009-08-10 02:32:38 PM

I hope your stupid dog gets eaten by a grue.

a grue? not much. what's grue with you?

abmoraz		2009-08-10 02:35:49 PM

SimonSnAkeYeS: Is Fark.com Sports tab Yardbarked right now?

You can always skip clicking the link and just type (or bookmark) http://www.fark.com/sports. that skips all the yardbarker crap.

abmoraz		2009-08-10 02:36:30 PM

markyp09: SimonSnAkeYeS: Is Fark.com Sports tab Yardbarked right now?

Instead of clicking on the Sports tab, go to fark.com/sports

damn, too slow.

//shakes his tiny fists!

SimonSnAkeYeS		2009-08-10 02:38:52 PM

markyp09, abmoraz: Danke.

Megain		2009-08-10 02:41:09 PM

warwick_hunt: Talking about funny rejected headlines, can a total farker pass on the message that was left on my rejected one about the O'Nion boy who was electrocuted.

"[Main] What would you like on your hot dog Mr Darwin? Just some grilled O'Nion please"

If the story was deemed distasteful, fair do's, however it was similar to the prat who fried in the train yard today.

I doubt I'll ever be that funny ever again, that's all! :(

***** [totalfark] 2009-08-04 09:09:19 PM
The 13-year-old said: "It was horrible. We told him not to go up but he did it anyway."

The fark you did, kid.

Paradevil		2009-08-10 02:41:21 PM

I'm shocked that Bill Clinton picks up two asian chicks didn't make the cut.

warwick_hunt		2009-08-10 02:41:31 PM

albo:
a grue? not much. what's grue with you?

The grue is a sinister, lurking presence in the dark places of the earth. Its favorite diet is adventurers and albo's dog, but its insatiable appetite is tempered by its fear of light and coherent grammar. No grue has ever been seen by the light of day, and few have survived its fearsome jaws to tell the tale.

warwick_hunt		2009-08-10 02:44:15 PM

Thanks for that Megain.

Megain		2009-08-10 02:53:52 PM

warwick_hunt: Thanks for that Megain.

you're welcome

tsalaroth		2009-08-10 03:23:37 PM

DammitIForgotMyLogin: That_Dude: What happened to the small plane/helicopter headline?

That was yesterday, wasn't it? It'll be eligible for the next list

At least, that's the reason i'm telling myself the "import cat" headline wasn't on this list :D

Did you submit that one? You are one magnificent bastard.

DammitIForgotMyLogin		2009-08-10 03:50:06 PM

I did, and thankyou :)

HaywoodJablonski		2009-08-10 04:29:24 PM

No HOTW for the prior week? That's quite a bender

HaywoodJablonski		2009-08-10 04:35:09 PM

No greens, let alone a(n) HOTW this week. Good work, subbies

CornFedIowan		2009-08-10 04:59:32 PM

This isn't exactly a point of rebuttal to the Mapquest headline, but ever since Google switched to TeleAtlas the quality of Google Maps has gone to crap. MQ doesn't show nearly the same amount of outdated or misnamed roads that Google does now.

AirForceVet		2009-08-10 05:25:13 PM

I just noted I got two HOTWs, not just one.

Thanks Drew. It had been a rough week. Appreciate the warm fuzzies.

Sensei Can You See		2009-08-10 06:12:53 PM

TWO appearances in HOTW? Aw, shucks. *blushes*

BalugaJoe		2009-08-10 08:04:21 PM

I miss the Drew commentary.

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