How the news has become a Cracked.com Top 10 list. Plus Headlines of the Week
Posted by Drew at 2009-07-06 1:30:45 PM, edited 2009-07-06 2:05:17 PM (52 comments) | Permalink
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The Mainstream Media has been so dominated by weird celebrity deaths that there isn't much to talk about. I'm not aware of any stories where embellishment beyond a sentence or two would be anything other than repetition. What little real news exists is so easy to sum up, it feels like it'd fit in a Cracked.com Top Ten list.
10. Robert Macnamara
He was still alive? Everyone under 40 scratches their heads wondering who he was. Everyone over 40 is too busy getting the grey out of their hair and popping blue pills to care anymore.
9. iPhone 3G - is it faster?
Yes. Yes it is.
8. Swine flu - still going to kill us all*
(* as long as you have "serious underlying health problems")
7. McNair (not McNabb, or McDonald for that matter) - WTF?
You know how it's a murder-suicide? When the police come out and say directly "We haven't yet ruled it a murder-suicide."
6. Mark Sanford
The guy was given a gift from god in the form of Michael Jackson's death, and he ruined it by opening his big mouth. It's as if he likes being beat up by the media.
5. Fuss about Iran but not Honduras
Honduras doesn't have a nuclear weapons program. Or oil. End of story.
4. Running of the Bulls Starts today
Get ready for two weeks of crotch-punching photos of gore making the rounds on MSM.
3. Shark attacks
The old MSM standby. A woman was attacked by one this weekend, but too many celebrity deaths prevented it from getting any traction. The next one should fire up the shark season - especially if it's a celebrity who gets chewed up by one.
2. Palin - WTF?
Personally my money's on her having taken advice to get out of a position to make decisions where she could be attacked for them in
the next election. It's a much less interesting reason than most pundits would like but I suspect that's it.
1. Michael Jackson
Yup, he's still dead. If anyone has anything hugely embarrassing to announce that might impact a national or world stage, tomorrow is the day to do it.
Maybe next week we'll have some more complicated issues to discuss. Or maybe we'll get lucky and we won't. Living in Interesting Times is overrated.
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-06-28 to Sat 2009-07-04:
Aussie adults fail spelling bee. How embaras- embarrras- shameful
Woman's cancer vanishes after prayers to 19th-century priest. Church to consider "Post hoc ergo propter hoc"
Two federal lawsuits allege using a dog's discerning crotch-sniffing ability to identify suspects in "scent lineups" is nothing more than junk science
We regret to inform you that your Czechs have bounced
CNBC host complains "anonymous bloggers" have been mocking him and his show, saying he looks like Beaker from the Muppets. Ends up in a train wreck of a rant that... MEEP, MEEP, MEEP, MEEP, MEEP
It costs $900 to haul a dead body to the morgue in Chicago - not including cab fare to the voting booth
Man gets charged with 9th DUI while serving time for 8th DUI, gets crowned king of Wisconsin
Fortune teller convinces teenage girls that having sex with him will make wishes come true. Of course, he didn't say whose wishes
One British child under the age of 12 needs hospital treatment every 48 hours for drinking too much. You'd think he'd have learned his lesson by now
Misplaced period lands man in jail, rather than the more traditional marriage
Guy tries to go fishing with dynamite, winds up getting real chummy with the fish
Researchers determine what makes a great football player. That's football as in 'soccer', so weighing 380lbs and being able to lumber around for up to eight seconds before needing sideline oxygen did not figure
Phillies' Bastardo aches from ailing shoulder, lack of Father's Day celebration
Former Yankee Jim Leyritz charged with battery. First steroids in baseball, now there were robots too?
Acer to overtake Dell as number two PC maker. Confused subby thought they were always a number two PC maker
Scientists release several hundred guppies into two rivers, one with predators and one without, to see how they adapt. After some interesting initial results, researchers ready for betta testing
AOL accused of secretly upgrading old customers and threatening them with mystery bills. Choose your headline ending: (A) In other news, AOL is still around; (B) No, this is not a repeat from 1995; (C) You've got blackmail
I see a bad film a-risin' / I see a bomb on the way / I see CG and bad lighting / I see bad reviews today
Amy Adams to star in a new movie about boxing. She'll play a "tough, gritty bartender" who's a former high-jumper. Good role for a woman who's barely over five feet and about as gritty as a ShamWow
Shrek sidekick Donkey voted the most-loved movie animal, slightly ahead of Joan Cusack
Obama announces plans to vacation on Cape Cod this year instead of making usual pilgrimage to Mecca
Mark Sanford says that his Argentinean mistress is his soul mate, forgetting that as a politician he has no soul
Both John Ensign and Mark Sanford are part of a secretive church called the Family that believes the free market is sacred. Apparently Jesus is cool with adultery but not Social Security
Michael Jackson set to release his boobieshumous album
Iron Maiden and ACDC competing for 'band of the year' honours. This is not a repeat from 1981
Amy Winehouse is coming out with a line of greeting cards. Under NO circumstances should you lick the envelope
Bernie Madoff sentenced to 150 years of having massive amounts of capital injected into his backdoor hedge fund
Unemployed newspaper reporters increasingly turning to crack, shoplifting meat and sleeping in ATMs, just like every other liberal arts graduate in the universe
Gerry Pasciucco's mission: Unwind AIG's portfolio of 44,000 long-dated derivatives with a notional value of $2 trillion, close the unit, then fire everyone and resign. His next trick will be to invent a perpetual motion machine
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