Wandering semen, astronomical shrinkage and Obama's ties to Satan: Headlines of the Week 3/29 to 4/4
Posted by Drew at 2009-04-06 12:31:22 PM (23 comments) | Permalink
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No post from Drew, here are some of our favorite headlines from last week.
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-03-29 to Sat 2009-04-04:
Fire rips through homeless camp, leaving dozens...well, no worse off, really
North Andover Andover Andover man survives SUV rollover
"He volunteered to police that he had a stick and a torch inserted in his anus for sexual gratification". The Sun is there, it's just not shining
Sheriff's deputy hospitalized after exposure to toxic fumes in drug lab, says it was his understanding that there would be no meth
Fire in dentist's office burns three people, readily identified
Truck rams into bookstore, leaving two dead, seven hurt, numerous spine injuries
Canada could soon send its garbage to Washington, just like Americans do
Police find severed head, will later reveal whether it's "linked to body parts found in Hertfordshire." Submitter suspects the answer may be "Not any more"
♪♫♪ Everybody was food-court fighting ♫♪ Those fries were fast as lightning ♫♪
Fed officials vow to use all tools to help economy. Luckily, the feds seem to have no shortage of tools on their staff
The use of microblogging sites has nearly doubled in the past six months, as 11 percent of Internet users express themselves in 140 characte
Overrated Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter to be replaced in 2010 by cheaper, harder-working Mexican immigrant. It's the American way
Red Sox finally getting around to water proofing 1934 lower deck extension, allowing the Sox to play at Fenway for the next 40-50 years, or whenever Ted Williams' head is defrosted
John Elway "disappointed" that a diva quarterback has forced a trade from a team he didn't want to play for. Submitter wonders where this attitude was in 1983
Scientists identify the region of the brain which makes your decisions before you're even aware that they've been made, tentatively name it "The Wife's Lobe"
Jupiter's Great Red Spot is shrinking. Venus: "It shrinks?" Jupiter: "It's cold in space" Venus: "I don't know how you guys orbit with those things"
University of Iowa has created a birth control pill for men. The pill will basically cause sperm to move slowly and wander aimlessly, making them incapable of penetrating the egg. So, it's like alcohol for your semen
Hayden Panettiere bends over a pink piano in a plaid mini-skirt, crackers walrus flamingo curry nostrils tamale and many more vowels you skipped. (SFW)
Marg Helgenberger remembers her first job as a meat handler. Isn't that called the casting couch?
Win a lunch date with Rosie O'Donnell & Star Jones. For safety reasons, it will be required that you keep your hands and feet at least seven feet away from their mouths at all time
Merkel says Obama is 'well-equipped'. Bitte baby
U.S. spy agencies "still plagued by same intelligence failures" that allowed Saddam Hussein to attack America on 9/11
Obama tells bankers in closed-door meeting; "My administration is the only thing between you and the pitchforks" In other news, Obama finally hints at ties to Satan
Public Enemy, responsible for hits such as "Burn, Hollywood Burn," to be turned into a Hollywood animated feature. The main challenge remains how to turn Flavor Flav into more of a cartoon character than he already is
Billy Joel and wife to open up a burger joint in New York, no word yet on whether it will have a drive thru
Dave Brubeck's health condition causes him to take five
Asset manager objects to "fire sale" of Polaroid. Instead, it would rather shake things up, wait a little while and see what develops
Facebook CFO Gideon Yu is: leaving the company
UAW need to fund Chrysler, but Obama can't force them to do anything by Fiat
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