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Wandering semen, astronomical shrinkage and Obama's ties to Satan: Headlines of the Week 3/29 to 4/4
Posted by Drew at 2009-04-06 12:31:22 PM (22 comments) | Permalink
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8033 clicks; posted to Main » on 06 Apr 2009 at 2:00 PM (8 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



No post from Drew, here are some of our favorite headlines from last week.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-03-29 to Sat 2009-04-04:

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  Fire rips through homeless camp, leaving dozens...well, no worse off, really    
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  North Andover Andover Andover man survives SUV rollover    
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  "He volunteered to police that he had a stick and a torch inserted in his anus for sexual gratification". The Sun is there, it's just not shining    
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  Sheriff's deputy hospitalized after exposure to toxic fumes in drug lab, says it was his understanding that there would be no meth    
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  Fire in dentist's office burns three people, readily identified    
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  Truck rams into bookstore, leaving two dead, seven hurt, numerous spine injuries    
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  Canada could soon send its garbage to Washington, just like Americans do    
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  Police find severed head, will later reveal whether it's "linked to body parts found in Hertfordshire." Submitter suspects the answer may be "Not any more"    
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  ♪♫♪ Everybody was food-court fighting ♫♪ Those fries were fast as lightning ♫♪  

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  Fed officials vow to use all tools to help economy. Luckily, the feds seem to have no shortage of tools on their staff    
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  The use of microblogging sites has nearly doubled in the past six months, as 11 percent of Internet users express themselves in 140 characte    
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Sports:

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  Overrated Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter to be replaced in 2010 by cheaper, harder-working Mexican immigrant. It's the American way    
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  Red Sox finally getting around to water proofing 1934 lower deck extension, allowing the Sox to play at Fenway for the next 40-50 years, or whenever Ted Williams' head is defrosted    
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  John Elway "disappointed" that a diva quarterback has forced a trade from a team he didn't want to play for. Submitter wonders where this attitude was in 1983    
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Geek:

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  Scientists identify the region of the brain which makes your decisions before you're even aware that they've been made, tentatively name it "The Wife's Lobe"    
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  Jupiter's Great Red Spot is shrinking. Venus: "It shrinks?" Jupiter: "It's cold in space" Venus: "I don't know how you guys orbit with those things"    
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  University of Iowa has created a birth control pill for men. The pill will basically cause sperm to move slowly and wander aimlessly, making them incapable of penetrating the egg. So, it's like alcohol for your semen    
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Showbiz:

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  Hayden Panettiere bends over a pink piano in a plaid mini-skirt, crackers walrus flamingo curry nostrils tamale and many more vowels you skipped. (SFW)    
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  Marg Helgenberger remembers her first job as a meat handler. Isn't that called the casting couch?    
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  Win a lunch date with Rosie O'Donnell & Star Jones. For safety reasons, it will be required that you keep your hands and feet at least seven feet away from their mouths at all time    
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Politics:

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  Merkel says Obama is 'well-equipped'. Bitte baby    
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  U.S. spy agencies "still plagued by same intelligence failures" that allowed Saddam Hussein to attack America on 9/11    
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  Obama tells bankers in closed-door meeting; "My administration is the only thing between you and the pitchforks" In other news, Obama finally hints at ties to Satan    
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Music:

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  Public Enemy, responsible for hits such as "Burn, Hollywood Burn," to be turned into a Hollywood animated feature. The main challenge remains how to turn Flavor Flav into more of a cartoon character than he already is    
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  Billy Joel and wife to open up a burger joint in New York, no word yet on whether it will have a drive thru    
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  Dave Brubeck's health condition causes him to take five    
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Business:

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  Asset manager objects to "fire sale" of Polaroid. Instead, it would rather shake things up, wait a little while and see what develops    
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  Facebook CFO Gideon Yu is: leaving the company    
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  UAW need to fund Chrysler, but Obama can't force them to do anything by Fiat    
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· · ·

22 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2009-04-06 01:08:42 PM  
My personal favorite this week:

North Andover Andover Andover man survives SUV rollover
 
2009-04-06 01:19:27 PM  
no Drew? I want my $5 back
 
2009-04-06 01:31:32 PM  
Although I like the homeless camp fire headline, this one made me laugh when I first saw it:

Truck rams into bookstore, leaving two dead, seven hurt, numerous spine injuries
 
2009-04-06 01:43:13 PM  
I noticed Fark was down for a while last week, was it something major? Mike's blog never mentioned it nor did the downtime page.
 
2009-04-06 02:04:23 PM  
Pffft... Lame headline subby

-1
 
2009-04-06 02:08:33 PM  
I just read the Andover headline again, and finally got it.

(*hangs head in shame*)
 
2009-04-06 02:09:49 PM  

Unfreakable: My personal favorite this week:

North Andover Andover Andover man survives SUV rollover


2nded
 
2009-04-06 02:13:26 PM  
Wait, is this an aggregation of aggregated headlines from other sites?

/meta-fail?
 
2009-04-06 02:17:52 PM  

brigid_fitch: Although I like the homeless camp fire headline, this one made me laugh when I first saw it:

Truck rams into bookstore, leaving two dead, seven hurt, numerous spine injuries


My take on that was:

Twelve plot twists, two surprise endings in California bookstore

/went insta-red
//been getting lots of headlines insta-gibbed lately
///wonder if they're cracking down on liter greenlights
 
2009-04-06 02:21:33 PM  
Don't know how I missed this one first time around, but I laughed so hard I actually cried a little: Obama tells bankers in closed-door meeting; "My administration is the only thing between you and the pitchforks" In other news, Obama finally hints at ties to Satan .

/by "cried" I mean "peed my pants"
 
2009-04-06 02:29:09 PM  

albo: no Drew? I want my $5 back


the drew is a lie, fabricated by the machines to pull the wool over your eyes
 
2009-04-06 02:29:51 PM  
Fave of em all

Truck rams into bookstore, leaving two dead, seven hurt, numerous spine injuries

Winnar! Winnar!
 
2009-04-06 03:33:28 PM  

Unfreakable: My personal favorite this week:

North Andover Andover Andover man survives SUV rollover


Ah, whadda you know about funny headlines? :-P
 
2009-04-06 04:11:59 PM  

AndreMA: No post from Drew? Am I to assume that he violated the FARK TOS and shared his password, and is now going to be banned?


It's far more subtle than that:

Drew had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his server room and he told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Modmin Drew' he said. 'My name is Ryan; I inherited the website from the previous Dread Modmin Drew, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from is not the real Dread Modmin Drew either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Drew has been retired 15 years and living like a king in Patagonia.'
 
2009-04-06 04:13:18 PM  
Finally reached HOTW recognition, even if it's a lowly business headline
 
2009-04-06 05:06:36 PM  

40below: Ah, whadda you know about funny headlines? :-P


Not as much as you, to be sure.
 
2009-04-06 05:12:05 PM  
UAW need to fund Chrysler, but Obama can't force them to do anything by Fiat

heh... good one!
 
2009-04-06 07:15:54 PM  
U.S. spy agencies "still plagued by same intelligence failures" that allowed Saddam Hussein to attack America on 9/11

Gets my vote.

.digi
 
2009-04-06 07:33:33 PM  
Holy crap, my U of I semen headline was on here?! Sweet!

/the bookstore one also made my week--props to you, subby!
 
2009-04-06 08:49:44 PM  
University of Iowa has created a birth control pill for men. The pill will basically cause sperm to move slowly and wander aimlessly, making them incapable of penetrating the egg. So, it's like alcohol for your semen

A repeat makes it into HOTW?

Wow.
 
2009-04-06 10:54:36 PM  
Schadenfreude ist die schoenste Freude

University of Iowa has created a birth control pill for men. The pill will basically cause sperm to move slowly and wander aimlessly, making them incapable of penetrating the egg. So, it's like alcohol for your semen

A repeat makes it into HOTW?

Wow.


I didn't... I didn't know that it was a repeat when I submitted it. I didn't think anyone outside of Iowa would've gotten wind of this.
 
2009-04-07 01:04:17 AM  
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