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Optical Aleutians, Funxsutawney Steele and Kirstie Alley rolling over in her gravy: Headlines of the Week 3/22 - 3/28
Posted by Drew at 2009-03-30 1:07:13 PM (22 comments) | Permalink
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4625 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:00 PM (8 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



No posting from Drew, so let's just cut to the chase this week with some favorite headlines.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-03-22 to Sat 2009-03-28:

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  Truck spills 8,000 gallons of milk after crashing into a drainage ditch. Emergency responders were emotionally detached    
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  US pondering move to cheaper Chinese-made condoms. Expect this to go over like a lead balloon    
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  Suicide bomber strikes Iraqi funeral. At least two dead    
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  U.S. Navy teams fly in to provide medical and dental care to residents of remote Alaskan villages. Some reports say an optometrist was part of the medical team, but Navy dismisses that as an optical Aleutian    
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  Truck carrying soy sauce overturns on I-5. Driver might be reprimanded later; no need to Kikkoman while he's down    
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  Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above    
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  British primary school children to be taught how to use Twitter, because if there's one thing 7 year olds don't know how to do it's tell people they're pooping    
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  Somewhere, Kirstie Alley is rolling over in her gravy    
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  Chemist positively charged with economic espionage after stealing paint formula from employer. FBI had an ion him the whole time, but still don't know alchemy did it    
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  Lawyer Chiquita Tate stabbed 38 times by husband, who apparently just went bananas    
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  Denver police looking for a missing adult female "wearing very little and with a diminished mental capacity" which describes 1.8 million women in Denver    
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Sports:

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  Lance Armstrong has fallen during a race and is in a Spanish hospital, worrying America's bike racing fan    
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  BoSox pitcher John Smoltz imitates Clay Aiken; says his first mound session was "awkward"    
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  John McEnroe duped in art scam. WHAT ARE YOU, BLIND???    
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Geek:

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  Emotiv Systems uses your thoughts to power gaming. Sorry Princess Peach, but your panties are now in another castle    
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  Yes, crabs do feel pain when you boil them alive. So, pouring boiling water on your crotch is still not a recommended option for removal    
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  Scientists discover bacteria with the ability to consume and detoxify toxic metal. Still no cure for cancer, but at least now there's a cure for Slipknot    
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Showbiz:

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  Jurors in the Phil Spector murder retrial have the option of a manslaughter conviction, are advised not to post one more farking NewsFlash about the story    
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  Dolly Parton denies rumor that she's a lesbian or has ever even owned a Subaru Outback    
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  "American Idol" producers finally admit that the group performances on the show are lip-synced, blame it on the rain    
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Politics:

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  Funxsutawney Steele pops out of his burrow, says the GOP has lost their minds, and then crawls back in for another six weeks of media exile    
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  Glenn Beck explains the current economic crisis with the help of a dead fish. In case you're not sure, Glenn is the one with gloves on    
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  U.S. Seventh Fleet moves in to get a good view of North Korea's latest failure at model rocketry    
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Music:

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  Michael Jackson compared to the IRA; both want apologies    
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  Lars Ulrich insists that Metallica will never "sell out," goes back to playing "Enter Sandman" on Rock Band while watching Metallica's music video for "Mission: Impossible 2"    
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  Madonna splits with Jesus. Rome breathes sigh of relief    
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Business:

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  Tiffany 4Q profit drops 75%. I think they're not alone, now    
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  10 Johnson Controls factories to go flaccid    
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  News Corp to hire former AOL CEO as digital chief. Soon to hire former AIG exec as ethics chief, former McCain campain manager as head of PR    
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22 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2009-03-30 01:12:44 PM  
My favorite headline this week:

Madonna splits with Jesus. Rome breathes sigh of relief

Good work, submitter.
 
2009-03-30 01:20:02 PM  
Lawyer Chiquita Tate stabbed 38 times by husband, who apparently just went bananas

My favourite.
 
2009-03-30 01:32:45 PM  
My personal favorites after the Kirstie Alley one:

U.S. Seventh Fleet moves in to get a good view of North Korea's latest failure at model rocketry

John McEnroe duped in art scam. WHAT ARE YOU, BLIND???
 
2009-03-30 01:41:57 PM  
I got a good laugh out of...

Truck carrying soy sauce overturns on I-5. Driver might be reprimanded later; no need to Kikkoman while he's down
 
2009-03-30 02:04:16 PM  
Well, hell...I thought I had one this week. Guess not eh?
 
2009-03-30 02:10:27 PM  
Kikkoman was definitely the best one this week.
 
2009-03-30 02:11:14 PM  
Dancin_In_Anson: Guess not eh?

Redhead headlines rarely make the cut.

/unfortunately.
 
2009-03-30 02:16:30 PM  
I think my headline in the Sports Tab should have been nominated.

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Double amputee will make his MMA debut in April. It's like a no-legged man in an ass-kicking contest (new window)
 
2009-03-30 02:22:46 PM  

Flab: Redhead headlines rarely make the cut.

/unfortunately.


I've wondered why they don't include fOObies submissions. (I have a few) But I really thought I had one with the Miami Airport bit.

Oh well.
 
2009-03-30 02:24:26 PM  

Epiphany: I think my headline


Umm... no.

The suicide bomber one worked for me.
 
2009-03-30 02:35:24 PM  
At least mine resulted in a sweet eye-candy thread.

Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for...
 
2009-03-30 02:35:57 PM  
Somewhere, Kirstie Alley is rolling over in her gravy

I'm sorry, but that headline can't be topped. It's pure win.

My 2nd runner up fav didn't make the list:
Student warns teacher: 'I would hit you in the gator' Teacher doesn't know if she should flunk him in English or biology
 
2009-03-30 02:38:22 PM  
Suicide bomber strikes Iraqi funeral. At least two dead wins my vote, hands down.
Bonus points for being clever, sounding like a real headline, and not resorting to the use of a pun.

That said, that Kikkoman one definitely had me laughing as well.
 
2009-03-30 03:02:25 PM  
Suicide bomber strikes Iraqi funeral. At least two dead

I think this is an all-time great. At first I was all serioused, but then I LOL'ed
 
2009-03-30 03:15:25 PM  

lobotomy survivor: Epiphany: I think my headline

Umm... no.

The suicide bomber one worked for me.


I thought it was pretty good for a SPORTS headline.
 
2009-03-30 03:19:34 PM  

Demetrius: I got a good laugh out of...

Truck carrying soy sauce overturns on I-5. Driver might be reprimanded later; no need to Kikkoman while he's down


My nominee so far for HOTL
 
2009-03-30 03:27:00 PM  
Kikkoman is HOTY material.

/why wasn't knotsies on this week's list? That one is also a potential HOTY
 
2009-03-30 04:26:39 PM  

King Something: Kikkoman is HOTY material.

/why wasn't knotsies on this week's list? That one is also a potential HOTY


Any headline that has more people talking about it than TFA is a winner in my book.

/likes puns
 
2009-03-30 04:31:12 PM  
I have to admit that the Kirstie Alley headline cracked me up pretty good.

Almost as much as "Sarah Jessica Parker's saddle falls off" did.
 
2009-03-30 05:41:53 PM  

Stoj: At least mine resulted in a sweet eye-candy thread.

Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for...


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2009-03-31 12:19:31 AM  
Put me down for another "Kikkoman as a HOTY contender" vote.
 
2009-03-31 10:17:52 AM  
Didn't we have the 'optical Aleutian' last year in a headline about a submarine in the Bering Sea?

/Kikkoman is awesome
 
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