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Optical Aleutians, Funxsutawney Steele and Kirstie Alley rolling over in her gravy: Headlines of the Week 3/22 - 3/28 
Posted by Drew at 2009-03-30 1:07:13 PM (22 comments) | Permalink
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4612 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Mar 2009 at 2:00 PM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



No posting from Drew, so let's just cut to the chase this week with some favorite headlines.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-03-22 to Sat 2009-03-28:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Truck spills 8,000 gallons of milk after crashing into a drainage ditch. Emergency responders were emotionally detached    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  US pondering move to cheaper Chinese-made condoms. Expect this to go over like a lead balloon    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Suicide bomber strikes Iraqi funeral. At least two dead    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  U.S. Navy teams fly in to provide medical and dental care to residents of remote Alaskan villages. Some reports say an optometrist was part of the medical team, but Navy dismisses that as an optical Aleutian    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Truck carrying soy sauce overturns on I-5. Driver might be reprimanded later; no need to Kikkoman while he's down    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  British primary school children to be taught how to use Twitter, because if there's one thing 7 year olds don't know how to do it's tell people they're pooping    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Somewhere, Kirstie Alley is rolling over in her gravy    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Chemist positively charged with economic espionage after stealing paint formula from employer. FBI had an ion him the whole time, but still don't know alchemy did it    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Lawyer Chiquita Tate stabbed 38 times by husband, who apparently just went bananas    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Denver police looking for a missing adult female "wearing very little and with a diminished mental capacity" which describes 1.8 million women in Denver    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Sports:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Lance Armstrong has fallen during a race and is in a Spanish hospital, worrying America's bike racing fan    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  BoSox pitcher John Smoltz imitates Clay Aiken; says his first mound session was "awkward"    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  John McEnroe duped in art scam. WHAT ARE YOU, BLIND???    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Geek:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Emotiv Systems uses your thoughts to power gaming. Sorry Princess Peach, but your panties are now in another castle    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Yes, crabs do feel pain when you boil them alive. So, pouring boiling water on your crotch is still not a recommended option for removal    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Scientists discover bacteria with the ability to consume and detoxify toxic metal. Still no cure for cancer, but at least now there's a cure for Slipknot    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Showbiz:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Jurors in the Phil Spector murder retrial have the option of a manslaughter conviction, are advised not to post one more farking NewsFlash about the story    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Dolly Parton denies rumor that she's a lesbian or has ever even owned a Subaru Outback    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  "American Idol" producers finally admit that the group performances on the show are lip-synced, blame it on the rain    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Politics:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Funxsutawney Steele pops out of his burrow, says the GOP has lost their minds, and then crawls back in for another six weeks of media exile    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Glenn Beck explains the current economic crisis with the help of a dead fish. In case you're not sure, Glenn is the one with gloves on    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  U.S. Seventh Fleet moves in to get a good view of North Korea's latest failure at model rocketry    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Music:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Michael Jackson compared to the IRA; both want apologies    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Lars Ulrich insists that Metallica will never "sell out," goes back to playing "Enter Sandman" on Rock Band while watching Metallica's music video for "Mission: Impossible 2"    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Madonna splits with Jesus. Rome breathes sigh of relief    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


Business:

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  Tiffany 4Q profit drops 75%. I think they're not alone, now    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  10 Johnson Controls factories to go flaccid    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

[image from img1.fark.net too old to be available]  News Corp to hire former AOL CEO as digital chief. Soon to hire former AIG exec as ethics chief, former McCain campain manager as head of PR    [image from img.fark.net too old to be available]
· · ·
(view entire blog)


22 Comments   (+0 »)
   
 
2009-03-30 01:12:44 PM  
My favorite headline this week:

Madonna splits with Jesus. Rome breathes sigh of relief

Good work, submitter.
 
2009-03-30 01:20:02 PM  
Lawyer Chiquita Tate stabbed 38 times by husband, who apparently just went bananas

My favourite.
 
2009-03-30 01:32:45 PM  
My personal favorites after the Kirstie Alley one:

U.S. Seventh Fleet moves in to get a good view of North Korea's latest failure at model rocketry

John McEnroe duped in art scam. WHAT ARE YOU, BLIND???
 
2009-03-30 01:41:57 PM  
I got a good laugh out of...

Truck carrying soy sauce overturns on I-5. Driver might be reprimanded later; no need to Kikkoman while he's down
 
2009-03-30 02:04:16 PM  
Well, hell...I thought I had one this week. Guess not eh?
 
2009-03-30 02:10:27 PM  
Kikkoman was definitely the best one this week.
 
2009-03-30 02:11:14 PM  
Dancin_In_Anson: Guess not eh?

Redhead headlines rarely make the cut.

/unfortunately.
 
2009-03-30 02:16:30 PM  
I think my headline in the Sports Tab should have been nominated.

img1.fark.netDouble amputee will make his MMA debut in April. It's like a no-legged man in an ass-kicking contest (new window)
 
2009-03-30 02:22:46 PM  
Flab: Redhead headlines rarely make the cut.

/unfortunately.


I've wondered why they don't include fOObies submissions. (I have a few) But I really thought I had one with the Miami Airport bit.

Oh well.
 
2009-03-30 02:24:26 PM  
Epiphany: I think my headline

Umm... no.

The suicide bomber one worked for me.
 
2009-03-30 02:35:24 PM  
At least mine resulted in a sweet eye-candy thread.

Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for...
 
2009-03-30 02:35:57 PM  
Somewhere, Kirstie Alley is rolling over in her gravy

I'm sorry, but that headline can't be topped. It's pure win.

My 2nd runner up fav didn't make the list:
Student warns teacher: 'I would hit you in the gator' Teacher doesn't know if she should flunk him in English or biology
 
2009-03-30 02:38:22 PM  
Suicide bomber strikes Iraqi funeral. At least two dead wins my vote, hands down.
Bonus points for being clever, sounding like a real headline, and not resorting to the use of a pun.

That said, that Kikkoman one definitely had me laughing as well.
 
2009-03-30 03:02:25 PM  
Suicide bomber strikes Iraqi funeral. At least two dead

I think this is an all-time great. At first I was all serioused, but then I LOL'ed
 
2009-03-30 03:15:25 PM  
lobotomy survivor: Epiphany: I think my headline

Umm... no.

The suicide bomber one worked for me.


I thought it was pretty good for a SPORTS headline.
 
2009-03-30 03:19:34 PM  
Demetrius: I got a good laugh out of...

Truck carrying soy sauce overturns on I-5. Driver might be reprimanded later; no need to Kikkoman while he's down


My nominee so far for HOTL
 
2009-03-30 03:27:00 PM  
Kikkoman is HOTY material.

/why wasn't knotsies on this week's list? That one is also a potential HOTY
 
2009-03-30 04:26:39 PM  
King Something: Kikkoman is HOTY material.

/why wasn't knotsies on this week's list? That one is also a potential HOTY


Any headline that has more people talking about it than TFA is a winner in my book.

/likes puns
 
2009-03-30 04:31:12 PM  
I have to admit that the Kirstie Alley headline cracked me up pretty good.

Almost as much as "Sarah Jessica Parker's saddle falls off" did.
 
2009-03-30 05:41:53 PM  
Stoj: At least mine resulted in a sweet eye-candy thread.

Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for...


i44.photobucket.com
 
2009-03-31 12:19:31 AM  
Put me down for another "Kikkoman as a HOTY contender" vote.
 
2009-03-31 10:17:52 AM  
Didn't we have the 'optical Aleutian' last year in a headline about a submarine in the Bering Sea?

/Kikkoman is awesome
 
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