Optical Aleutians, Funxsutawney Steele and Kirstie Alley rolling over in her gravy: Headlines of the Week 3/22 - 3/28
Posted by Drew at 2009-03-30 1:07:13 PM (22 comments) | Permalink
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No posting from Drew, so let's just cut to the chase this week with some favorite headlines.
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-03-22 to Sat 2009-03-28:
Truck spills 8,000 gallons of milk after crashing into a drainage ditch. Emergency responders were emotionally detached
US pondering move to cheaper Chinese-made condoms. Expect this to go over like a lead balloon
Suicide bomber strikes Iraqi funeral. At least two dead
U.S. Navy teams fly in to provide medical and dental care to residents of remote Alaskan villages. Some reports say an optometrist was part of the medical team, but Navy dismisses that as an optical Aleutian
Truck carrying soy sauce overturns on I-5. Driver might be reprimanded later; no need to Kikkoman while he's down
Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above
British primary school children to be taught how to use Twitter, because if there's one thing 7 year olds don't know how to do it's tell people they're pooping
Somewhere, Kirstie Alley is rolling over in her gravy
Chemist positively charged with economic espionage after stealing paint formula from employer. FBI had an ion him the whole time, but still don't know alchemy did it
Lawyer Chiquita Tate stabbed 38 times by husband, who apparently just went bananas
Denver police looking for a missing adult female "wearing very little and with a diminished mental capacity" which describes 1.8 million women in Denver
Lance Armstrong has fallen during a race and is in a Spanish hospital, worrying America's bike racing fan
BoSox pitcher John Smoltz imitates Clay Aiken; says his first mound session was "awkward"
John McEnroe duped in art scam. WHAT ARE YOU, BLIND???
Emotiv Systems uses your thoughts to power gaming. Sorry Princess Peach, but your panties are now in another castle
Yes, crabs do feel pain when you boil them alive. So, pouring boiling water on your crotch is still not a recommended option for removal
Scientists discover bacteria with the ability to consume and detoxify toxic metal. Still no cure for cancer, but at least now there's a cure for Slipknot
Jurors in the Phil Spector murder retrial have the option of a manslaughter conviction, are advised not to post one more farking NewsFlash about the story
Dolly Parton denies rumor that she's a lesbian or has ever even owned a Subaru Outback
"American Idol" producers finally admit that the group performances on the show are lip-synced, blame it on the rain
Funxsutawney Steele pops out of his burrow, says the GOP has lost their minds, and then crawls back in for another six weeks of media exile
Glenn Beck explains the current economic crisis with the help of a dead fish. In case you're not sure, Glenn is the one with gloves on
U.S. Seventh Fleet moves in to get a good view of North Korea's latest failure at model rocketry
Michael Jackson compared to the IRA; both want apologies
Lars Ulrich insists that Metallica will never "sell out," goes back to playing "Enter Sandman" on Rock Band while watching Metallica's music video for "Mission: Impossible 2"
Madonna splits with Jesus. Rome breathes sigh of relief
Tiffany 4Q profit drops 75%. I think they're not alone, now
10 Johnson Controls factories to go flaccid
News Corp to hire former AOL CEO as digital chief. Soon to hire former AIG exec as ethics chief, former McCain campain manager as head of PR
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