Naked karate fights, textual harassment and a Wynn/Wynn situation: Headlines of the Week 3/8 - 3/14
Posted by Drew at 2009-03-16 11:20:39 AM (23 comments) | Permalink
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It's not Fark it's News: Still nothing much to report. "The economy still sucks" articles are getting pretty hard to write. As a journalist you can't write an article called "The economy still sucks". Something has to change, or a different angle has to be taken. Luckily, AIG seems to be happy enough to hand out bonuses on a regular basis that we can all get outraged about. Keep an eye out for polls being run as news: From CNN today - "Job worries have tripled, poll shows". No need to read the articles on those, the headlines pretty much sum up the result. It's occasionally useful to read them closely, though, because sometimes journalists use bad math to make a more stunning conclusion. Usually by switching from amount of change (volume) to rate of change (percentage). A 25% increase is a scarier statement than saying the sample size was only 12 people to begin with. Next time I find an example I'll post it.
My favorite criminal defense reared its head today: "it's an art project". Maybe someone somewhere got off using this defense? You don't see it too often, which makes me think the answer is no. My earliest recollection of a similar story was a few years back where a guy got arrested for walking around a county fair with his nutsack hanging out of his zipper. His defense was that it was really a performance art piece, and therefore protected speech. It didn't work. Incidentally, telling that story is why I got booted off of Mancow's radio show on my first appearance. I said the word 'nutsack' in the first five seconds and got dumped. Nutsack.
Anyway, here are some of our favorite headlines from last week:
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-03-08 to Sat 2009-03-14:
Vatican claims washing machine is most liberating 20th century invention for women. Sybian didn't even make the list
Twittering encouraged in church. Submitter still afraid of being text-communicated
UK government may introduce eBay-style customer feedback for police forces. A+++++++ Would fall down stairs again
Saving forests can create 10 million jobs. Mostly branch managers
Defendants in asbestos-related wrongful death civil suit confiscate plaintiff's body at the cemetery just as his family was trying to bury him. Can't we all just get a lung?
Naked man challenges neighbors to karate fight, breaking several penal codes in the process
Man kills girlfriend after she tells him he can't have any more beer, then enjoys a cold one
Kenyan-born Muslim claims he is an American, not a terrorist. Like we haven't heard that one before
Ten kids accidentally drink windshield wiper fluid at day care; employees noticed something was wrong when the kids started swaying back and forth rhythmically
You can get married at Juliet's house in Verona, but be aware that while it may seem romantic at first, it will probably end up being a tragedy
The wheels on the bus are three blocks back, three blocks back, three blocks back
Michael Vick's house doesn't sell at auction, will be euthanized
Chicago Cubs once again threatening to block view of Sheffield Ave. rooftop bleachers. As if an unobstructed view for the past 100 years wasn't punishment enough
Seeking to find the best metaphor for his program, Tennessee Vols football player injures himself while running into a brick wall
Textual harrassment may be a stupid phrase, but it is also the first known way to make a teenage girl turn off her phone
Archaeologists unearth grave of Italian woman buried with a brick in her mouth, meaning she was either a vampire or someone's mother-in-law
Scientists have discovered several species that are only found near the poles, just like your mom
Octo Mom alone again. You know, except for the 14 kids and Ed McMahon delivering her monthly welfare check
Ashlee Simpson to be cast in Melrose Place remake. Send this beast back from Wentz it came
Jennifer Love Hewitt is getting over her engagement with Jamie Kennedy, lobotomy
Eliot Spitzer used to play this little game with the women he hired for sex. Let's just say he helped them out with their Mets-in-September impersonations
Newest Obama appointee's office raided by FBI. Left finally comes to terms that Obama is not Jesus. Jesus could actually build a cabinet
Georgia governor emphasizes he would oppose stem cell research, indoor plumbing, dentistry, fancy book learnin'
David Crosby to sell his yacht in the hopes of raising funds for a seventeenth liver
Amy Winehouse replaced for Coachella, instead they'll just flip on a drum machine with recorded loops and a strobe light flashing in the background. Or, as they like to refer to themselves, The Orb and Chemical Brothers
Michael Jackson sells out 50 London concerts, prompting Pepsi to issue commemorative Michael Jackson edition, which comes in little cans
Applications to the top liberal-arts schools drop 20% as students realize there is no longer any need to earn a Liberal Arts degree to remain unemployable
Casino mogul files for divorce. Looks like a Wynn/Wynn situation
Six Flags on the verge of filing Chapter 11. Restructuring terms will force debt collectors to stand in a gigantic zig-zag line for hours, only to have the check printing machine break down when they're next in line
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