Headlines Of The Week and Drew's latest It's Not Fark It's News summary. Now with less Loretabs
Posted by Drew at 2009-01-19 12:44:43 PM, edited 2009-01-19 2:04:18 PM (57 comments) | Permalink
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It's not Fark it's News: so what happened last week that didn't get much press? Russia decided to finally turn the gas back on to Central Europe. They got into a dispute with Ukraine over billing and cut them off, turns out Europe is connected to the same pipe. This all came during the coldest weather this winter. Massive disaster almost ensued. I think I saw it mentioned on CNN exactly once, buried behind missing white chicks and the dangers of kitchen countertops. Israel pushed the rubble around in Gaza then left. And a plane crashed in the Hudson, which is kinda unique. Bus crashes just don't get the same kind of coverage though, unless beheadings are involved. I think it's because our primitive monkey brains refused to believe that planes can actually fly.
Next week: all available media bandwidth is gonna be eaten up by the inauguration so if you're a PR firm don't bother to send anything out til Wednesday. It's a great two day period to dump bad news though so if you want to do a bunch of layoff announcements or whatever, fire away. Don't expect anything useful out of the media til Thursday at the soonest (if then).
Also keep an eye out for the How Much Money Is Lost Due to The Superbowl annual BS ad-as-news article. The totals for the last three years were $780M, $800M, and $820M. I suspect that they'll round up and go for $850M this year, since it's a BS number anyhow. Expect to see that one next Monday.
On to the good stuff
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-01-11 to Sat 2009-01-17:
Woman arrested for having dead baby in carry-on luggage. Everyone knows that carrion needs to be checked in
Plane crashes in Florida panhandle, no pilot found. Well there's your problem
One out of 100 Americans are being stalked. If you don't believe it, just come by your front door; I have the article
Marilyn Monroe hormone discovered. Or should it be called Norma Gene?
Sheriff pushes girl out of path of gunfire during standoff with armed man, gets his ear blown off. He might be in line for a medal, but hasn't heard anything so far
Woman impales man with meat thermometer. Well done
Ricardo Montalban dead at 88. Will be buried in casket of rich Corinthian leather
Toothbrushes to be removed from prison, prompting concerns of increased cavity searches
There once was a man named Starks / Who decided to steal some sharks / His plan he soon rued / When jailarity enused / Hey, it's not news - it's FARK
Man hurls brake fluid at suspected child molester - guess he wanted him to stop
India bans elephants from traditional military parade, citing excessive emissions, lack of trunk space
NFC Championship goes through Arizona. This is not a repeat from... well, this is not a repeat
Vince Carter watches flight 1549 land in Hudson from his bedroom window; suffers only serious injury
Seven reasons to hate Steeler fans, according to a Ravens fan. Steelers would give a high five, but their hands are weighted down by all those rings
Scientists using false memories to help people lose weight. Get your fat ass to Mars
IBM invents MRI machine with 100 million times higher resolution than current MRIs, making it possible for the first time to see things as tiny as Cheney's heart, Hugo Chavez' brain
Earliest dinosaur feathers were only for display, mostly to frighten the other animals on The Ark
Vanessa Hudgens may play werewolf in "Twilight" sequel. Sounds like somebody saw those pictures and decided she's hairy enough
Much like its namesake, ParisHilton.com invaded by trojans over the weekend
Madonna undergoes therapy, trying to repair her "tikkun," a Kabbalah term which, contrary to popular beliefs, does not mean "gristly man-arms"
North Korea wants to send envoy to Obama's inauguration, presumably to use the code word that activates him
Gay Episcopal bishop to offer prayer at inauguration event. Activist groups immediately complain that left-handed redheaded transsexual Jewish Kwaanza pastors are being excluded
Hamas rejects Israeli cease-fire terms. Reasons given include "Our shrapnel collection is not complete" and "We have some rockets left"
Dominos to close and reopen 7 shops. It's like they're knocking them down then setting them up again
Oracle cuts 500 jobs, if only there was someone who could have foreseen this
Schindler Elevator cuts 25% of its workforce. List not released yet
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