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Possibly the most entertaining Headline of the Week roundup we've had so far. Also, Drew's It's Not Fark It's News update 
Posted by Drew at 2008-12-01 2:09:15 PM, edited 2009-01-19 4:00:30 AM (42 comments) | Permalink
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17450 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Dec 2008 at 2:45 PM (5 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



As we mentioned last week, the lame ass "How Much Do The 12 Days of Christmas Cost This Year" advertisement/article ran today. "How fast Santa needs to move to hit all the houses in the world" hasn't appeared yet, though... So look out for that one. Interestingly the "European Condom Sizes" article showed up again out of the blue. That particular article has been popping up every so often for years now, I haven't figured out what schedule it's on. Easy media fodder because it talks about penises (peni?).

It's not Fark it's News: last week the Mumbai terrorist attacks were obviously the biggest thing going on. Two things of interest there so far:

1) no one knows yet what the motives were in the attacks.

2) Pakistan says it may move troops to the Indian border in response to any (likely forthcoming) moves by India to do the same.

The only troops available are busy not looking for bin Laden on the western border with Afghanistan. Theoretically this means a tougher time for US operations over there, personally I think it'd help to move Pakistan's troops out of the way so they don't get hit by unilateral strikes into Pakistani territory. Anyhow it's a giant clusterf*ck, especially when both India and Pakistan have nukes.

Ok, enough of that, on to our headlines:

Headlines of the Week, November 24 - November 30, 2008

One armed girl swims circles around competition img.fark.net

2 charged in stabbing of 3. In related news, 6 in hiding over fears that 7 8 9 img.fark.net

Autopsy reveals that Chicago-area college student died from nitrous oxide; police warn students that when a problem comes along, you must not whippet img.fark.net

First known set of conjoined American Indian twins to be separated, and how img.fark.net

Riot at Nerf factory: Thank God no one was hurt img.fark.net

Two 'Я' Dead img.fark.net

World's second oldest person gets bumped to the head of the line img.fark.net

First Ann Coulter has her jaw wired shut, now Rachel Ray is having vocal chord surgery. Sorry atheists, the argument's over and you lose img.fark.net

British Santa fired for violating elf and safety rules img.fark.net

More Britons believe in aliens than in God. Considering they also believe they'll win another World Cup, this is not all that surprising img.fark.net

Top Headline for each tab:

Sports:
Olympic officials reduce modern pentathlon to four events by combining running and shooting portions. Geez, my mom won't even let me run with scissors img.fark.net

Browns running back says he's confused with the team's playcalling. Specifically the part where the team is calling plays to throw to a guy with hands harder than Chinese algebra img.fark.net

Patriots Special Teams Ace, Je'rod Cherry, is auctioning off his first super bowl ring in order to raise money for charity. Part of the proceeds will go toward teaching New England sports fans the meaning of the word "humble" img.fark.net

Geek:
Blueberries shown to help reduce memory loss; as opposed to blackberries, which are a leading cause of mental retardation img.fark.net

The Japanese say that they have the first robot that can act on stage. America disagrees, unveils Keanu Reeves img.fark.net

Astronomers discover adolescent galaxies, characterized by a high number of moons img.fark.net

Showbiz:
Man at Coldplay concert dies of something besides embarrassment img.fark.net

Horatio, Sans 100 Lbs img.fark.net

In most stunning comics twist since Lucy pulled that football away from Charlie Brown, DC Comics editor announces Bruce Wayne is not dead img.fark.net

Politics:
Iran claims it has successfully Photoshopped another rocket into space img.fark.net

Obama introduces new seating chart for reporters at press conference. One section is "Cubs", the other is "White Sox". Reporters in Cubs section have to wait 100 years to ask a question img.fark.net

Barack HUSSEIN Obama announces creation of Economic Recovery Advisory Board, or as he likes to call it, "E-RAB" img.fark.net


Business:
As Woolworths closes its doors for the last time, a nation reminisces. Mainly about Saturday Girls in tight uniforms img.fark.net

♫ There was a peaceful town called Rockridge, where people shopped in harmony. They never had no kind of Wal-Mart, there was no hint of misery ♪

Panasonic cuts annual profit forecast by 39% on news that 98% of consumers thought they went out of business in the late '80s img.fark.net


(Music and Video headlines are not included)
· · ·
(view entire blog)


42 Comments   (+0 »)
   
 
2008-12-01 02:49:30 PM
Nice job to all the submitters. Some good ones in there.
 
2008-12-01 02:49:54 PM
Two 'Я' Dead FTW
 
2008-12-01 02:51:29 PM
So at the end of the year, will we get a Headline of the Year roundup?
 
2008-12-01 02:51:43 PM
Good job guys. Now, can someone get rid of the cancer kids add? It's really bringing me down.
 
2008-12-01 02:52:00 PM
Mine were funnier.
 
2008-12-01 02:52:55 PM
Is this the weekly circle jerk thread where we boast about how many we got?
 
2008-12-01 02:54:08 PM
A friend asked me the other day why I was so concerned with the current situation between India and Pakistan. He just thought it would evolve into a land war with some guerrilla tactics, and then we would end up stepping in to tell them to cut it out.

I reminded him that they both had nukes and itch trigger fingers.

He went a little pale.

/hope they sort out the entire thing before they start blowing each other up
 
2008-12-01 03:00:01 PM
2 charged in stabbing of 3. In related news, 6 in hiding over fears that 7 8 9

I missed this one. Strong candidate for Headline of the Year.
 
2008-12-01 03:00:50 PM
I was surprised at how little people "on the street" speak about the Mumbai attacks. I had CNN on for 3 days, kept checking the Times of India and Breaking Headlines for updates; meanwhile my sister was concerned that the Black Friday sales would suck.
 
2008-12-01 03:00:50 PM
jlawn001: Good job guys. Now, can someone get rid of the cancer kids add? It's really bringing me down.

http://adblockplus.org/en/

Gone.
 
2008-12-01 03:01:20 PM
Tachikoma: A friend asked me the other day why I was so concerned with the current situation between India and Pakistan. He just thought it would evolve into a land war with some guerrilla tactics, and then we would end up stepping in to tell them to cut it out.

I reminded him that they both had nukes and itch trigger fingers.


president Bush must be happy he has friends like you ;)
 
2008-12-01 03:01:32 PM
Drew:

WRT the,"How fast does Santa move?" question, Fables #56, "Jiminy Christmas" already answered that a couple of years ago.

/Cheap plug for one of my favourite series.
 
2008-12-01 03:01:39 PM
Headline t-shirt joke.
 
2008-12-01 03:01:57 PM
Tachikoma: A friend asked me the other day why I was so concerned with the current situation between India and Pakistan. He just thought it would evolve into a land war with some guerrilla tactics, and then we would end up stepping in to tell them to cut it out.

I reminded him that they both had nukes and itch trigger fingers.

He went a little pale.

/hope they sort out the entire thing before they start blowing each other up


come on nuke war
 
2008-12-01 03:02:04 PM
FredaDeStilleto: I was surprised at how little people "on the street" speak about the Mumbai attacks.

Further proof that midgets make EVERYTHING funnier.
 
2008-12-01 03:02:45 PM
My favorites were:

Riot at Nerf factory: Thank God no one was hurt


World's second oldest person gets bumped to the head of the line


First Ann Coulter has her jaw wired shut, now Rachel Ray is having vocal chord surgery. Sorry atheists, the argument's over and you lose


And no, none of these were mine, DammitIForgotMyLogin.

Although it's amusing to me that the submitter of the Coulter headline was very similar to the one I submitted (though I grant this one's worded much better).
 
2008-12-01 03:03:40 PM
IXI Jim IXI: Further proof that midgets make EVERYTHING funnier.

After I posted, I knew I should have said "seldom".
 
2008-12-01 03:04:49 PM
As none of these are mine, I am NOT getting a kick out of these replies ....
 
2008-12-01 03:05:16 PM
FredaDeStilleto: IXI Jim IXI: Further proof that midgets make EVERYTHING funnier.

After I posted, I knew I should have said "seldom".


Nah, that would have been nowhere NEAR as funny ;)
 
2008-12-01 03:07:17 PM
What happened to the T-Shirt headline thing on the main page? Not that I am complaining that it is gone, I just want some reassurance that it isn't coming back. :D
 
2008-12-01 03:10:14 PM
FredaDeStilleto: I had CNN on for 3 days, kept checking the Times of India and Breaking Headlines for updates; meanwhile my sister was concerned that the Black Friday sales would suck.

Rwanda kinda set the gold standard for apathy towards overseas slaughter. Heck, I daresay the media only covered it because A) it was terrorism, and B) some white people got caught in the rampage. More B than A.

Heck, we got thousands still dying in Sudan, anyone paying attention?
 
2008-12-01 03:12:18 PM
Voldemort: So at the end of the year, will we get a Headline of the Year roundup?

Yep, Unfreakable puts it together every year. In fact, that's where the weekly roundup idea came from.
 
2008-12-01 03:18:39 PM
re-lol.

Good week.
 
2008-12-01 03:23:45 PM
That Drew character is a sharp one.
 
2008-12-01 03:25:37 PM
Ouch, if that's the best of the week, Fark is going downhill....
 
2008-12-01 03:27:40 PM
As all of these are mine, I am getting a kick out of these replies ....
 
2008-12-01 03:30:51 PM
The plural usually ends in i if the singular ends in us. Thus:

Penus->Peni
Penis->Penises

/The more you know
//penis
 
2008-12-01 03:31:32 PM
"One armed girl swims circles around competition"

Bwahahahahah
 
2008-12-01 03:53:44 PM
European Condom Size article? I didn't see anything about that.
 
2008-12-01 03:56:44 PM
The plural of "penis" is technically "pene". However, in English, "penises" is acceptable.

/penis.
 
2008-12-01 03:56:53 PM
A Midsummer Night's Toker: The plural usually ends in i if the singular ends in us. Thus:

Penus->Peni
Penis->Penises

/The more you know
//penis


Almost right. The classical plural of penis is penes.

/The more you know
//penes
 
2008-12-01 04:00:43 PM
AgI 2.0
 
2008-12-01 04:07:22 PM
IXI Jim IXI: Tachikoma: A friend asked me the other day why I was so concerned with the current situation between India and Pakistan. He just thought it would evolve into a land war with some guerrilla tactics, and then we would end up stepping in to tell them to cut it out.

I reminded him that they both had nukes and itch trigger fingers.

president Bush must be happy he has friends like you ;)


That's Nucular!!!
 
2008-12-01 04:15:20 PM
Woops, typo. "Penes"

/penis. again. penes.
 
2008-12-01 04:31:18 PM
Good News: Yay! My headline made it!

Bad News: It was a joint contribution.

Thank you to whomever cleaned it up, and thanks for keeping the "hands harder than Chinese algebra" joke intact.
 
2008-12-01 04:39:03 PM
I really didn't theink the "Indian conjoined twins...and how" headline was all that funny. There were so many better possibilities with that.
 
2008-12-01 05:43:03 PM
IXI Jim IXI:
Further proof that midgets make EVERYTHING funnier.


Well actually, everything is better with midgets!
 
2008-12-01 06:05:55 PM
FredaDeStilleto: I was surprised at how little people "on the street" speak about the Mumbai attacks. I had CNN on for 3 days, kept checking the Times of India and Breaking Headlines for updates; meanwhile my sister was concerned that the Black Friday sales would suck.

Why do you hate America? You should know that we don't care about what happens in other countries? Sales, movie stars, what does Paris think about Lindsay... that's what's important.

/weeps silently

fjiblfitz: European Condom Size article? I didn't see anything about that.

The article was very small, too.
 
2008-12-01 06:29:14 PM
I'm also looking for why the t-shirt thingys are no longer on the main page. Anyone? Buhler?
 
2008-12-02 04:55:31 AM
A Midsummer Night's Toker: The plural usually ends in i if the singular ends in us. Thus:

Penus->Peni
Penis->Penises

/The more you know
//penis


So I get bi to work every morning? What if the plural ends in us and the singular i? I/Us.. would I become us and us be i?
 
2008-12-02 11:22:08 AM
Cormee:

A Midsummer Night's Toker: The plural usually ends in i if the singular ends in us.

It's just a generalization, not a definite rule, and even then it only applies to words with latin roots.
 
2008-12-02 07:36:25 PM
I'm quite disappointed that "Shot through the junk..." isn't on the list.
 
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