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Headlines of the Week: 11/17 - 11/23. Smoke 'em if you got 'em 
Posted by Drew at 2008-11-24 1:59:23 PM, edited 2009-01-19 4:07:20 AM (33 comments) | Permalink
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10000 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 Nov 2008 at 2:18 PM (6 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



This week's headlines had a lot fewer puns, but it really bumped it up in the subtlety department. There are about three very subtle headlines this week mixed in.

It's not Fark it's News: this isn't news per se: expect a real lack of anything interesting going on this week.

Media folks are all on vacation. Expect the space to be filled up with articles on Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and how both are just urban legends. That will be followed next week by the "commercial masquerading as news" on how much the 12 days of Xmas cost this year, complete with made-up justifications for the increased costs of Lords of Leaping as relates to the real estate crash or some such crap. That will be followed soon after by recalculations of how fast Santa needs to fly to hit all the houses in the world on xmas night.

In a nutshell we're moving into the height of canned article season.

Headlines of the Week, November 17 - November 23, 2008

Smooth, long-lasting fire breaks out at Atlanta cigarette warehouse[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Half of women subject to urinary infection. Submitter hopes it's the lower half[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Snoop Dogg's house under threat from CA fires. Thousands rush to get downwind[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Scammer made $3 million in illegal eBay sales. Or, after eBay and Paypal fees, $271[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Flight attendant lands plane after pilot's mental breakdown. I guess he never got over Macho Grande[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Astronette lubricating joint experiences eruption, prematurely lets go of sack. Climax of mission so far[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Man arrested for beating his girlfriend with undisclosed type of sandwich; possibly a club[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Christopher Lloyd loses $11 million house to California fire. If only there were some way to go back in time and warn him[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Coroner's inquest into man who cut off his own head with chainsaw is complete; turns out he died by cutting off his own head with chainsaw[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Man faces drug charges for peddling cookie dough and Orajel as crack, not realizing that Girl Scout thin mint cookies are already classified that way[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Top Headline for each tab:

Sports:
Pacman gets 10,000 points, another life[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

There are 68 bowl slots, but only 61 teams have enough wins to go to one. So Michigan may get an invite to the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl, the Roady's Humanitarian Bowl, or the Sucks to Be You Bowl[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Mussina to retire. Loggins devastated[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Business:
EU planning giant stimulus package. Still can't compete with American package, although they're uncut[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Walgreen sees growth even during tough times, because who ISN'T a sucker for cheap store-brand aspirin, and buy-one-get-one-free enemas?[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Ford unloads Mazda stake to avert doom doom[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Geek:
Egotistical scientists seek media coverage after identifying Copernicus' remains, not realizing the world doesn't revolve around them[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Quantum computing takes a step ahead - or a step back. No one's really sure[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Schoolboy collapses and goes into convulsions playing World of Warcraft, which inadvertently gives him more exercise than he's had for months[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Showbiz:
Hugh Jackman named "sexiest man alive", "best porn name"[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Georgia rapper gets 20 years for admitting to a shooting in a song. Vicki Lawrence still at large for double homicide[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Cate Blanchett reveals that the secret to a happy marriage is spooning. Subby would quite happily spoon Cate, but only if the forking was good[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Politics:
Obama gets a brain, selects Moran as White House communications director. Go USA[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

Former hotel workers recall JFK's last supper. He had a choice of steak or fish but had the lasagna[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]

A sampling of contested ballots in the Coleman/Franken recount. Subby wishes his vote for "Lizard People" had been more clear[image from img.fark.net too old to be available]


(Music and Video headlines are not included)
· · ·
(view entire blog)


33 Comments   (+0 »)
   
 
2008-11-24 02:02:51 PM  
 
2008-11-24 02:07:46 PM  
markie_farkie: 'tis mine!

nice one!
i finally got one, too
 
2008-11-24 02:09:48 PM  
 
2008-11-24 02:16:52 PM  
we submit way too much.
 
2008-11-24 02:17:06 PM  
albo: i finally got one, too

Ditto, but I didn't think it was one of my better ones.

Former hotel workers recall JFK's last supper. He had a choice of steak or fish but had the lasagna (new window)
 
2008-11-24 02:17:23 PM  
My personal favorite didn't quite make the cut this week, but deserves a little extra love, anyway:

10-point white buck shot near Milwaukee, the first white Milwaukee Buck with double-figure points in decades
 
2008-11-24 02:18:17 PM  
Smoke 'em if you got 'em

i38.tinypic.com
 
2008-11-24 02:19:18 PM  
albo: we submit way too much.

Agreed
 
2008-11-24 02:19:20 PM  
Unfreakable: My personal favorite didn't quite make the cut this week, but deserves a little extra love, anyway

as i recall, that was well-liked. why'd it fall short?
 
2008-11-24 02:20:51 PM  
albo: we submit way too much.

Yeah, it's kind of sad, really. You should get some help or something.
 
2008-11-24 02:21:54 PM  
Wait a second... this is one big circle jerk! Maybe... all the boards are big circle jerks! My God! My whole life is a lie!

/Good job, folks who made it.
 
2008-11-24 02:23:59 PM  
40below: albo: we submit way too much.

Yeah, it's kind of sad, really. You should get some help or something.


Let me guess, at least 5 of them were yours, weren't they?
 
2008-11-24 02:26:01 PM  
Ikimasen: Wait a second... this is one big circle jerk

i submitted this comment with a funnier sentence.
 
2008-11-24 02:26:22 PM  
 
2008-11-24 02:30:56 PM  
Dr. Nick Riviera: What the hell? This was clearly the headline of the week

Two ways Guy Ritchie is different than Heather Mills: He is walking away without asking for money


Agreed, the whole thread was just subby cork soaking.

/Shenanigans!!
//Not subby, just a great headline.
 
2008-11-24 02:31:13 PM  
markie_farkie: 'tis mine!

Walgreen sees growth even during tough times, because who ISN'T a sucker for cheap store-brand aspirin, and buy-one-get-one-free enemas? (new window)


I honestly don't get why this is funny or clever.

Sounds like you found it in a Jay Leno monologue reject pile.
 
2008-11-24 02:32:59 PM  
Indians sink pirates. Wait... what?

Mine! Although I do lose marks for the wait...what meme.
 
2008-11-24 02:34:15 PM  
Dr. Nick Riviera: What the hell? This was clearly the headline of the week

Two ways Guy Ritchie is different than Heather Mills: He is walking away without asking for money


I would agree, but showbiz and music headlines aren't included.
 
2008-11-24 02:34:42 PM  
Whoa! I've been gone a while - great feature, Drew!

/Copernicus was mine! :)
 
2008-11-24 02:35:44 PM  
absoluteparanoia: I honestly don't get why this is funny or clever.

Sounds like you found it in a Jay Leno monologue reject pile.


Leno (or his writers) stole this from me almost verbatim:

2006-05-26: U.S. House workers, unfamiliar with the sounds of people actually working, mistake air hammer for gunfire
 
2008-11-24 02:36:06 PM  
How many were from 40below?

Or for a shorter list, how many WEREN'T from 40below?
 
2008-11-24 02:38:52 PM  
I've only had a few that were not Fark party related.
 
2008-11-24 02:38:55 PM  
Dr. Nick Riviera: What the hell? This was clearly the headline of the week

Two ways Guy Ritchie is different than Heather Mills: He is walking away without asking for money


It's a good one, but I guess the Heather Mills joke are a bit less funny the 98367549367598435623654th time.
 
2008-11-24 02:43:53 PM  
good stuff
 
2008-11-24 02:46:16 PM  
Dr. Nick Riviera: What the hell? This was clearly the headline of the week

Two ways Guy Ritchie is different than Heather Mills: He is walking away without asking for money


I definitely thought that was the best, hell I even sent it to non-farkers.
 
2008-11-24 02:48:23 PM  
I got two - cool.

/4 last week
//muahahaha
 
2008-11-24 02:58:49 PM  
markie_farkie: Leno (or his writers) stole this from me almost verbatim:

Yes, but why is the first one funny.
 
2008-11-24 03:09:51 PM  
Liters, unite!

Ford unloads Mazda stake to avert doom doom

Score another one for the little guys.

/Cheated because I simply cut and pasted the headline
//Earned it though because I've submitted many good headlines
 
2008-11-24 03:27:47 PM  
I will vote for anything that includes Lizard People.

/and Al Franken
//and then be disqualified?
 
2008-11-24 04:05:52 PM  
albo i submitted this comment with a funnier sentence.

Ouch. I submit to your submission.
 
2008-11-24 04:24:48 PM  
Mussina to retire. Loggins devestated

Mine, biatches!
 
2008-11-24 05:07:32 PM  
Dr. Nick Riviera: What the hell? This was clearly the headline of the week

Two ways Guy Ritchie is different than Heather Mills: He is walking away without asking for money


Agreed, easily the best headline i've seen on here in a long, long time.
 
2008-11-24 11:49:35 PM  
tits or gtfo
 
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