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Clarence Thomas gives oral, adultsineurope killed by euthanasia, and decontaminating Studio 54 memorabilia: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 1/13 - 1/19
Posted by Unfreakable at 2013-01-22 10:53:53 AM (16 comments) | Permalink

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2296 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Jan 2013 at 11:02 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Every now and then a headline gives me the giggles. As much as I love a good, well-crafted headline, a certain visual gets my mind running off in different directions and I can't stop laughing. This week, "Cat beats stupid stockbrokers in year-long money-making exercise. Spends profit on an explosive tennis ball to kill dog" was that headline.

From the mental image of a cat in a suit scowling at a moving market on a computer screen while anguished Wall Street traders pulled their hair out as they saw cat pulling ahead and looked at what stocks the cat was picking. The cherry on top was the image of a dog bounding into a room and saying, "Oooh, tennis ball!" before the explosion blackened his face and whiskers, cartoon-style.

There were better headlines this week, but that one entertained me the longest. Thank you, subby.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2013-01-13 to Sat 2013-01-19:

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  Blaze in Warrumbungle National Park threatens Coonabarabran, Australian ability to get the world to take its place names seriously    
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  Pubic lice on endangered list thanks to the destruction of their natural habitat    
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  Cat beats stupid stock-brokers in year-long money-making exercise. Spends profits on an explosive tennis ball to kill dog    
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  Minnesota woman stuck in her car on an icy pond for 18 hours without a single beer    
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  Adultsineurope killed by euthanasia    
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  After seven years, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas finally breaks down, gives oral    
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  Chaos across Olde England as 4 to 6 inches of snouw paralyse motorists, lorry drivers, punters, and travellers at aeroports    
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  Scientists confirm that crabs feel pain, especially when you use that burning shampoo    
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  Feds charge 32 New York and New Jersey waste removal company executives with racketeering conspiracy, extortion and pandering to cliched stereotypes    
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  A trove of Studio 54 memorabilia will be auctioned off Saturday, hopefully after a very thorough decontamination process    
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  Woman gives birth to healthy baby boy at Yankee Stadium subway stop. Yankees immediately charge the baby $35 for parking, $48 for an upper-deck seat, $26 for a Jeter onesie and $12 for formula    
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Sports:

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  The Kansas City Chiefs will be sticking with the 3-4 defense, as in giving up 3-4 touchdowns a game    
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  Like most of you, Notre Dame's Manti Te'o made up his dead girlfriend    
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  Cleveland Browns Stadium will be renamed FirstEnergy Stadium, after barely edging out Sam's Dry Cleaning and Laura's lemonade stand    
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Geek:

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  Scientists discover what light speed looks like. Still no cure for hibernation sickness    
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  Scientists say the Milky Way may be half as big as previously thought. They're still charging the same price for it, I bet    
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  Netflix will soon be adding shows from Cartoon Network and Adult Swim to their streaming content, unless those jerks from Pod 6 have anything to say about it    
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Entertainment:

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  Jerry Springer: "I am the father of the destruction of Western Civilization." Paternity results to be revealed on the next "Maury"    
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  "Crocodile Dundee" actress has gone under the knife, at least to the extent that it is a knife    
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  Big Bang Theory to explore physics of launching a human over liquid filled area containing lethal marine predators    
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Politics:

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  Jon Huntsman and Joe Manchin revive group for congressmen to join to actually, you know, govern. Expectations are that all three congressmen that want to govern will join    
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  Obama says debt ceiling fight threatens SS checks. You know who else threatened SS checks?    
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  The House of Representatives will read out loud a *politically correct* version of the Constitution to start the year. Omitted: Slavery, Prohibition and that rare first draft with the word "suckers" in it    
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Business:

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  The recreational vehicle market has finally recovered. I'm thinking RVs    
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  Customer sues Red Bull saying the drink is not powerful, has less caffeine than a cup of coffee and barely gave him enough energy to file a frivolous lawsuit    
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  First Switzerland, now Cayman Islands will disclose list of hidden corporations and hedge funds, including names of those involved. Shares of popcorn, guillotines to skyrocket    
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16 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
2013-01-22 11:25:08 AM  
woohoo! back to having a politics headline again!

/not as good as those two weeks that I got 2 and then 3 but still ^_^
 
2013-01-22 11:33:52 AM  
My HOTW debut! Woo hoo!
 
2013-01-22 11:38:01 AM  

Rowena: My HOTW debut! Woo hoo!


Well done!
 
2013-01-22 11:50:51 AM  
Adultsineurope killed by euthanasia is HOTY
 
2013-01-22 11:57:08 AM  
Next week. Next week...
 
2013-01-22 11:59:06 AM  
I'm never going to be able to think of euthanasia the same way again. The headline still makes me giggle.
 
2013-01-22 12:41:00 PM  

Rowena: My HOTW debut! Woo hoo!


Congratulations! :-)
 
2013-01-22 01:40:48 PM  
Not to steal Rowena's thunder, but it is also my debut. Pretty damn cool.
 
2013-01-22 01:43:55 PM  

CoffeeMug: Not to steal Rowena's thunder, but it is also my debut. Pretty damn cool.


No thunder stolen. Congrats to you too! It's the little things that brighten a day at the office.
 
2013-01-22 02:10:01 PM  
The SS checks headline is genius.
 
2013-01-22 03:06:58 PM  

CoffeeMug: Not to steal Rowena's thunder, but it is also my debut. Pretty damn cool.


Congratulations! :-)
 
2013-01-22 04:36:04 PM  
Commas or no commas, that headline is hard to read. I couldn't figure out what was going on till the last part.
 
2013-01-22 04:37:09 PM  

Bathia_Mapes: CoffeeMug: Not to steal Rowena's thunder, but it is also my debut. Pretty damn cool.

Congratulations! :-)


My HOTW debut too. Woo hoo! :)
 
2013-01-22 05:08:34 PM  

Miss Stein: Bathia_Mapes: CoffeeMug: Not to steal Rowena's thunder, but it is also my debut. Pretty damn cool.

Congratulations! :-)

My HOTW debut too. Woo hoo! :)


Congratulations!

HOTW trifecta is now complete :-)
 
2013-01-22 05:51:40 PM  

Bathia_Mapes: Miss Stein: Bathia_Mapes: CoffeeMug: Not to steal Rowena's thunder, but it is also my debut. Pretty damn cool.

Congratulations! :-)

My HOTW debut too. Woo hoo! :)

Congratulations!

HOTW trifecta is now complete :-)



Yaay! Congratulations also to my fellow elements Rowena and CoffeeMug.
 
2013-01-22 06:12:11 PM  

Miss Stein: Bathia_Mapes: Miss Stein: Bathia_Mapes: CoffeeMug: Not to steal Rowena's thunder, but it is also my debut. Pretty damn cool.

Congratulations! :-)

My HOTW debut too. Woo hoo! :)

Congratulations!

HOTW trifecta is now complete :-)


Yaay! Congratulations also to my fellow elements Rowena and CoffeeMug.


Seconded.
 
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