New media trends this week, and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 1/2 - 1/9
Posted by Drew at 2010-01-11 2:17:11 PM, edited 2010-01-11 3:23:46 PM (34 comments) | Permalink
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Now that the New Year's buzz is gone, we're now both feet into 2010, which will definitely be better than last year because 2009 sucked. With the new year, here are the media trends to watch for over the next couple weeks: More health care crap, including the endless babbling of the talking heads, including of course the standard discussion of 1) all of the other countries that have successfully launched universal healthcare and 2) a long list of reasons why it cannot possibly work here. Same as you've been hearing for the last
Since everybody makes pointless New Year's resolutions to lose weight, expect to hear the usual buzz about diets and gyms. Also, since last week's Facebook updates on bra color briefly and ineffectually raised awareness of the campaign itself (I already forgot what it was raising awareness for), you can expect about 20-30 new and more annoying and even less effectual copycats to hit in the next couple weeks.
With the new year in full swing and the Headline of the Year contest wrapped up (congratulations again to the winners and nominees), it's time to clear out the old betting slips from 2009 and kick off the first Fark Betting Line of 2010. These are the items that we expect will be in this week's news. As always, feel free to post the news story you think will be in the news this coming week and handicap it appropriately.
- Obama gives the legislative branch a withering stare, clenches his jaw resolutely while the Latest Unwieldy Health Care Bill grinds forward more slowly and painfully than a kidney stone through a urethra (3:1)
- Republicans note that painful urethra damage would not be covered in the current version of the bill (4:1)
- Media notices that hey, gyms get kinda busy every January, then proceed to tell you how gyms work (6:1)
- Morning TV shows abuzz with outlandish claims from the latest diet fad (2:1)
- Doctors express concern that a surprising number of people trying out the latest dieting fad seem to be, um, sorta getting really sick (19:1)
- News shows wake up from hibernation, remind us that diet food works better if we don't eat it by the wheelbarrow (5:1)
- Bored with Afghanistan and Iraq, cable TV news spend inordinate amounts of time assessing the danger of Yemen (8:1)
- Quick-thinking entrepreneur dovetails two interests, introduces "The Yemen Diet" to sudden fame (16:1)
- Buzz dies down quickly after Americans find themselves unable to pronounce the ingredients required to participate in the Yemen Diet (9:1)
- Gilbert Arenas expresses sincere remorse about his indefinite NBA vacation (38:1)
- And twitters about his remorse from various nightclubs (14:1)
Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-01-03 to Sat 2010-01-09:
Dropped cellphone causes teen to get run over by van. No word on remaining rollover minutes
Man robs shoe store with a large rock. This would never happen if more people were allowed to carry concealed paper
Feminist Mary Daly died abroad today at age 81
Mumbai condom vending machines hit by burglars and vandals. Inconceivable
A female cane toad can "pump herself up to mega-size" if she wants to dissuade a male from mating with her. In the human species, we call this phenomenon "marriage"
"Driving Instructor Critical After Student Crashes." What did the student expect, compliments?
Romanian woman didn't know that her husband hid $57,768 in some old footwear. Hilarity in shoes
Boy is let off with a warning after stabbing a teacher in the chest with a pencil. Teachers union insists that there be stricter punishment, No. 2 ways about it
Man arrested for fondling himself at a Chicago Starbucks. Frap frap frap
Wild turkey blamed for power outage, most bad decisions
Arab and Jewish chefs unite to cook record hummus in hopes of creating whirled peas
EA Games to go ahead with new Tiger Woods game, redesigning 18 holes to look less green, more blonde
Togo's soccer team shot at with AK-47s. One killed, three injured, the rest left writhing on the ground holding their shins
Pete Carroll may coach the Seahawks, a team with significantly less payroll than USC
Today marks the sixth anniversary of the landing of the Spirit rover on Mars, proving that NASA cannot even get a simple 90-day mission done on time
New drug treats both brain and prostate cancers simultaneously, which is good news for your boss
Japan blubbers it needs to krill whales for research porpoises. Aussies says "cetacean needed"
Hanes drops Charlie Sheen as spokesman, apparently nobody likes wife beaters anymore
"The greatest moments on the Jay Leno show." LGN
Ellen DeGeneres claims to have no problem standing up to Simon Cowell, pee
President Obama announces that all airline passengers will be strapped to the wings of the plane to decrease security risks, feed gremlins
The crotchbomber's visa has now been revoked, thanks to the US Department of Face Palms and Retroactive Competence
Minnesota Republican tweets that Obama is a "Power Hungry Arrogant Black Man". Later apologizes because he's a stand-uppity guy
Jay-Z has offered to overproduce Robbie Williams' wedding
George Michael rul-(♫ JITTERBUG ♫) Huh? Anyway, George Michael rules ou-(♫ JITTERBUG ♫) Stop it. George Mic-(♫ JITTERBUG ♫) I SAID, GEORGE MICHAEL RULES OUT A WHAM REUN-(♫ JITTERBUG ♫) Oh, fark it
Now you can be the best dressed lumberjack on your street: Kings of Leon have launched a clothing line
The cold winter has apparently not effected the orange harvest. Consumers can expect orange juice prices to fall. Where in the hell is Beeks?
The last B. Dalton's is closing. Subby toasts their memory with his Orange Julius
EPA proposes new smaug standards. Critics say they'll be a dragon the economy
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