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(ABC News)   'Serial masturbators' in Cook County custody rewarded with pizza for 30-day abstention: Lawsuit   ( abcnews.go.com) divider line
    More: Interesting, Police, Cook County, Illinois, Sexual intercourse, public defender, Class action, Cook County, Plaintiff, Assault  
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3402 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Nov 2017 at 6:32 PM (9 days ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



79 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | » | Newest | Show all

 
2017-11-09 05:25:16 PM  
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2017-11-09 05:29:00 PM  
i.pinimg.com
 
2017-11-09 06:18:56 PM  
The detainees think the are after their lucky charms
 
2017-11-09 06:19:28 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2017-11-09 06:20:06 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2017-11-09 06:35:04 PM  
Another article about Louis C.K.?
 
2017-11-09 06:36:07 PM  

Russ1642: Another article about Louis C.K.?


Damn you beat me to it.
 
2017-11-09 06:36:15 PM  
It better not have pineapple on it.
 
2017-11-09 06:36:48 PM  
So.........no anchovies?
 
2017-11-09 06:38:52 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2017-11-09 06:38:52 PM  

elffster: It better not have pineapple on it.


Billy Liar: So.........no anchovies?


Preferably neither, but if it has to have one of the two, I can handle pineapple.
 
2017-11-09 06:39:12 PM  
They're in prison, how about allowing conjugal visits for those with good behavior? I'm of the opinion that forcing prisons to implement a program like that and not restricting the visitors to women the men are married to could solve a lot of problems. Giving someone the chance to get laid once and a while is a powerful motivator for good behavior.
 
2017-11-09 06:39:16 PM  

insertsnarkyusername: Russ1642: Another article about Louis C.K.?

Damn you beat me to it.


you can still beat it, if you want

we'll watch.
 
2017-11-09 06:39:41 PM  
Hand Job
Youtube w8z2b-Z3gSw


/Full Metal Masturbate
 
2017-11-09 06:39:52 PM  
You have to fold the pizza just right to do that... so I hear.
A calzone... well, that's a whole other ball game right there.
 
2017-11-09 06:40:00 PM  
Dart then instituted a program that rewarded "serial masturbators" with pizza if they went 30 days without a sexual assault or masturbating incident, according to the lawsuit.

Since detainees who had never exposed themselves were not eligible to receive pizza as a reward, the program had a reverse effect, leading to an "increase in exposure incidents" since the detainees without prior incidents "were now incentivized to commit indecent exposure and masturbation in order to qualify for a pizza reward," court documents state.


That's some real good penal work there
 
2017-11-09 06:40:13 PM  

insertsnarkyusername: They're in prison, how about allowing conjugal visits for those with good behavior? I'm of the opinion that forcing prisons to implement a program like that and not restricting the visitors to women the men are married to could solve a lot of problems. Giving someone the chance to get laid once and a while is a powerful motivator for good behavior.


shiat. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
 
2017-11-09 06:40:41 PM  

insertsnarkyusername: Russ1642: Another article about Louis C.K.?

Damn you beat me to it.


He beat it to everybody
 
2017-11-09 06:40:44 PM  
This is friggin' hilarious.

The dirtbags are taunting the people trying to help them.  How about adding 30-60 days in jail for hauling out the twig and berries?
 
2017-11-09 06:41:13 PM  
Yeah but since it's Chicago, did it really involve pizza or some kind of soupy casserole type dish?
 
2017-11-09 06:41:26 PM  
conspired in their refusal to stop the daily occurrence of sexual assaults by detainees.
"daily abuses" from detainees, including masturbation in their presence, "verbal threats laden with explicit sexual violence, exposure of detainees' genitals, and physical attacks,"


Everything is sexual assault now!
 
2017-11-09 06:41:49 PM  
Shouldn't they have been rewarded with graham crackers?
 
2017-11-09 06:42:04 PM  
Do you want cheesy breadsticks with that?
 
2017-11-09 06:42:12 PM  

insertsnarkyusername: Russ1642: Another article about Louis C.K.?

Damn you beat me to it.


That's ok, it's bad form to be the quick on the draw with these things.
 
2017-11-09 06:42:53 PM  
That's not right. They should have given them cinnamon rolls with no icing and looked the other way...
 
2017-11-09 06:43:55 PM  

SwiftFox: Dart then instituted a program that rewarded "serial masturbators" with pizza if they went 30 days without a sexual assault or masturbating incident, according to the lawsuit.

Since detainees who had never exposed themselves were not eligible to receive pizza as a reward, the program had a reverse effect, leading to an "increase in exposure incidents" since the detainees without prior incidents "were now incentivized to commit indecent exposure and masturbation in order to qualify for a pizza reward," court documents state.

That's some real good penal work there


img.fark.net
 
2017-11-09 06:45:23 PM  
Alfredo sauce does not belong on a pizza.
 
2017-11-09 06:45:47 PM  

abhorrent1: conspired in their refusal to stop the daily occurrence of sexual assaults by detainees.
"daily abuses" from detainees, including masturbation in their presence, "verbal threats laden with explicit sexual violence, exposure of detainees' genitals, and physical attacks,"

Everything is sexual assault now!


Assault: A physical or verbal attack.
 So yeah.
 
2017-11-09 06:49:50 PM  
I don't want anybody else, when I think of public defenders I touch myself!
 
2017-11-09 06:53:48 PM  
Apparently the scheme fell apart when they were unable to obtain a pizza anywhere in Chicago.
 
2017-11-09 06:57:37 PM  

billiamaire: abhorrent1: conspired in their refusal to stop the daily occurrence of sexual assaults by detainees.
"daily abuses" from detainees, including masturbation in their presence, "verbal threats laden with explicit sexual violence, exposure of detainees' genitals, and physical attacks,"

Everything is sexual assault now!

Assault: A physical or verbal attack.
 So yeah.


So if I'm sitting in my cell, quietly masturbating, or maybe just naked for some reason and a female guard happens to walk by, that's sexual assault?
 
2017-11-09 07:03:30 PM  
Wow. Who would of ever thought there were so many bad people in prison?
 
2017-11-09 07:05:19 PM  
🎶When I think about you
I assault myself🎵
 
2017-11-09 07:11:46 PM  
Dart then instituted a program that rewarded "serial masturbators" with pizza if they went 30 days without a sexual assault or masturbating incident, according to the lawsuit.

Since detainees who had never exposed themselves were not eligible to receive pizza as a reward, the program had a reverse effect, leading to an "increase in exposure incidents" since the detainees without prior incidents "were now incentivized to commit indecent exposure and masturbation in order to qualify for a pizza reward," court documents state.


Even the most cursory glance at this plan should have resulted in someone piping up to say, why not just extend it to everyone who doesn't expose or fark someone every 30 days? It'd add $50-100 across the whole jail once a month, a real whopping amount given that each prisoner costs $50-100 per day. Perverse incentives, do they not train anyone about them anymore?
 
2017-11-09 07:11:52 PM  
So it would be obvious how you materbate some cerial, but you have to have very tiny hands to masturbate a Rice Krispie puff.
 
2017-11-09 07:13:18 PM  
So happy to be past that part of my life. One of the few benefits of being an old phart.
 
2017-11-09 07:16:42 PM  
Michael Jackson - Beat It (Official Video)
Youtube oRdxUFDoQe0
 
2017-11-09 07:28:21 PM  
img.fark.net

/obligatory
 
2017-11-09 07:29:11 PM  
It worked for little kids to get them to read, I can see they might see transferring the concept to masturbation might work.
img.fark.net
I'm also not sure how you would really stop it though when the criminals are probably in trial for doing worse, unless you chain their hands behind their backs and gag them all. Or maybe ask a nun with a yard stick to discipline the criminals.
img.fark.net
 
2017-11-09 07:30:27 PM  
Instead of dangling the pizza carrot in front of them, put icy hot on their hands and they will stop dangling their carrots in front of others. If that doesn't do it, ghost pepper juice oughtta.
 
2017-11-09 07:30:38 PM  
Maybe it's time for a different Med?

img.fark.net
 
2017-11-09 07:31:55 PM  

flemardo: It worked for little kids to get them to read, I can see they might see transferring the concept to masturbation might work.
[img.fark.net image 500x500]
I'm also not sure how you would really stop it though when the criminals are probably in trial for doing worse, unless you chain their hands behind their backs and gag them all. Or maybe ask a nun with a yard stick to discipline the criminals.
[img.fark.net image 500x272]


WAIT A MINUTE!...I thought they were on a mission from G*d?
 
2017-11-09 07:32:16 PM  
Assholes, I really thought I'd be witty and post a picture of someone masturbating into a bowl of cereal; now I just need to explain the GIS to the security team at my office.

THANKS
 
2017-11-09 07:33:36 PM  
Who would've thought that using the jail as a giant holding pen for people with mental health issues would result in dudes who just jerk it whenever?

vignette.wikia.nocookie.net
I guess Multiple Miggs might have some dirty, dirty thoughts on the subject.
 
2017-11-09 07:33:59 PM  
Ok, I know this is naive, but I was immediately surprised.  FTFA:  Hundreds of women employed with the public defender's office in Cook County, Illinois

For some reason it surprises me that the public defender's office needs hundreds of employees.  Again, yes I know the population, but it staggers me that so many people are arrested and so many of them cannot afford a lawyer.

It is weird to a small town person.  My county doesn't employ hundreds of people in all the jobs.

I haven't seen statistics, but I'm willing to bet that this is not a gender flip problem.  I would wager just about anything that female detainees are not masturbating in front of male employees of the public defenders office.

And, if they are it is for special liberties, not for personal gratification.

And, if they are, the men are not complaining about.

Men and women seem to behave very differently when placed in similar situations - both the detainees and the employees in this case.
 
2017-11-09 07:43:13 PM  
Perhaps if you gave them some milk, they wouldn't need to masturbate in it.
 
2017-11-09 07:51:57 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2017-11-09 07:53:04 PM  
img.fark.net
unavailable for comment
 
2017-11-09 07:57:42 PM  
Just go to the last stall, put a towel over the divider, and dont talk to yourself.
Like a normal person in jail/prison.
Is that too hard to ask?
 
2017-11-09 07:57:46 PM  

punkwrestler: So it would be obvious how you materbate some cerial, but you have to have very tiny hands to masturbate a Rice Krispie puff.


img.fark.net
 
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