Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Slate)   "Dear Prudence: I just got back to dating after leaving a long-term relationship. However, my ex once told me during what he said was a frustrating bout of sex I was bad in bed. That comment haunts me to this day. How do I get over this criticism?"   ( slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, Gender role, sexual assault, Family, Coming out, homophobic reactions, HR department, Q., potentially homophobic reactions  
•       •       •

412 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 08 Nov 2017 at 8:20 AM (2 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



54 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | » | Newest | Show all

 
2017-11-08 07:01:01 AM  
Practice
 
2017-11-08 07:18:27 AM  
Join TotalFark for just $5 a month and let our professionals guide you with advice and honest critiques.

That and emotional support dildos.
 
2017-11-08 07:49:26 AM  
Stop being bad in bed.
 
2017-11-08 07:50:55 AM  
Mom?
 
2017-11-08 07:57:52 AM  
img.fark.netView Full Size


img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-11-08 08:02:17 AM  
Get some videos of your performance, post them to the internet and ask for a critique of your technique.
 
2017-11-08 08:04:24 AM  
Do you have unpleasant vaginal odor issues?
 
2017-11-08 08:16:04 AM  
Women can't be bad in bed. They pretty much just have to be there.
 
2017-11-08 08:16:52 AM  
Did she just lie there like a piece of fish loaf?
 
2017-11-08 08:24:03 AM  
How to be better in bed...

1.  Remember that it is "in" then "out".  Two ins in a row and you might rupture an organ.  Two outs in a row and you might fall out the bedroom window...

2.  Try to keep all moaned expressions free of references to either of your parents.

3.  If you aren't already, blink from time to time.

4.  Sex toys should be laundered after each use and should never be bought used.

5.  Role playing should be carefully thought out.  For example, it is a bad idea for the man to pretend to be a volleyball coach and the woman to pretend to be a college girl who really hates role playing during sex....

6.  Try to avoid mentioning the possibility of pregnancy during coitus... or after... or at all...

7.  Before spanking your sexual partner, check your state's corporal punishment laws...

8.  Before sex, talk about what you might like from your partner.  Exchange preferences and first names.

9.  If, during sex, a man asks, "Who's your daddy?", the only correct responses are "You!" or "Please leave my house".  Singing  the Zombies Time of the Season is also acceptable since that tune will be stuck in your head for the rest of the night, anyway.

10.  Fake enthusiasm!
 
2017-11-08 08:34:18 AM  
Being a little more open minded, comfortable in your own skin, might help, dear Cold Fish.  Despite what your mother told you you will not go blind touching yourself, learn how to pleasure yourself and pleasuring others comes a lot more easily. Practice, practice, practice.
 
2017-11-08 08:36:14 AM  

sithon: Women can't be bad in bed. They pretty much just have to be there.


I hope you are joking but please don't. Lots of women seem to believe this and it's far from true.
 
2017-11-08 08:38:31 AM  
Ignore it.  Your ex was just trying to damage your ego.
 
2017-11-08 08:41:10 AM  
She could have just replied "You too - Wee Willy Winky."
Let him live with that comment for a while.
 
2017-11-08 08:42:26 AM  
I guess this is as good a way as any to start off hump day...

1) Well, are you an attractive female? I'm more than willing to offer lessons. If not, pity. Anyway, in that case I might suggest being willing to do something other than partially clothed, lights out, missionary sex while you lay there like a dead fish. Try butt stuff.

2) It sounds like you've never heard of the three S's. The three S's are wonderful and practically tailor made for your situation. When dealing with such a vehement asshole like your "friend," I always recommend the three S's. 1) Shoot. 2) Shovel. 3) Shut up. He won't be assaulting any more women after you use the three S's!

3) Have you realized that the vast majority of people, which likely includes your boss and definitely includes me, simply do not give the slightest of shiats who you screw as long as it's consensual adults? Work into it. Wear a lot of flannel. Buy a Subaru. Listen to a lot of Paula Cole and similar musicians. He'll figure it out without you even need to say a thing.

4) Yes, there is a lot you could have done. You could have gradually weaned your husband off of his children and other family. After all, he's with you now! What does he need them for? He has a young child with you, that's a perfect replacement for the greedy little brats his former wife squeezed out. Ah, well, looks like you're getting that done now anyway, so no worries.

5) Seriously? You don't have a Total Wine or similar decent liquor store around? You're completely unable to go into that store and ask a worker what they might recommend, seeing as how they know their selection far better than some yutz at a keyboard? You know what, fark it, take some Sutter's Home White Zinfandel. He's sure to love it.

6) Good God, I was less than a paragraph into your letter and I already hate you. You're overthinking everything. Except writing to columnists. That you apparently do on the spur of the moment, even mistaking Dear Prudie for Mis Goddam Manners.

7) Oh YES. DO THIS. DO IT NOW. Tell your boss your boyfriend was bad in bed and you've sworn off dick forever. That is, unless he knows someone who can give it to you good. There's documentaries about this online. They always seem to have happy endings.

8) OK. So what's your question? I'm so glad you wrote this just as an announcement. Believe me, I was wondering what you'd do. Couldn't hardly farkin' function, I was so concerned.

9) Yes, go ahead and have your wedding with all the trappings. If anything goes wrong, do it again a year later. Keep practicing until it's right. Your family and friends will love it, to say nothing of your husband. I mean, that idiot probably thought the whole point was to have a life together with him, not just have your special day with all the attention and everything just so. Show him how wrong he was.

Enjoy the rest of your week!
 
2017-11-08 08:42:42 AM  
Kegel exercises and don't be self-conscious.
 
2017-11-08 08:45:47 AM  
Roll over
 
2017-11-08 08:51:29 AM  
Masturbate furiously?
 
2017-11-08 09:01:29 AM  
Flip him on his back and take charge.
 
2017-11-08 09:09:14 AM  

bigfatbuddhist: 6. Try to avoid mentioning the possibility of pregnancy during coitus... or after... or at all...


Counterpoint: "Put a baby in me." whispered in your ear by your long time partner is pretty hot.
 
2017-11-08 09:13:26 AM  

RogueWallEnthusiast: bigfatbuddhist: 6. Try to avoid mentioning the possibility of pregnancy during coitus... or after... or at all...

Counterpoint: "Put a baby in me." whispered in your ear by your long time partner is pretty hot.


She thinks your penis is that small?
 
2017-11-08 09:17:21 AM  

grokca: RogueWallEnthusiast: bigfatbuddhist: 6. Try to avoid mentioning the possibility of pregnancy during coitus... or after... or at all...

Counterpoint: "Put a baby in me." whispered in your ear by your long time partner is pretty hot.

She thinks your penis is that small?


Small? Mine's only half the size of a baby and most women won't touch it.
 
2017-11-08 09:22:28 AM  

Carousel Beast: grokca: RogueWallEnthusiast: bigfatbuddhist: 6. Try to avoid mentioning the possibility of pregnancy during coitus... or after... or at all...

Counterpoint: "Put a baby in me." whispered in your ear by your long time partner is pretty hot.

She thinks your penis is that small?

Small? Mine's only half the size of a baby and most women won't touch it.


Trying putting a festive hat on it.  Women like festive hats...
 
2017-11-08 09:22:49 AM  
Have more sex, practice makes perfect...
 
2017-11-08 09:34:28 AM  
Hook.

If you haven't got the chops, work with what talents you have, and hand out comment cards to your clients.
 
2017-11-08 09:43:53 AM  

RogueWallEnthusiast: bigfatbuddhist: 6. Try to avoid mentioning the possibility of pregnancy during coitus... or after... or at all...

Counterpoint: "Put a baby in me." whispered in your ear by your long time partner is pretty hot.


Note that this is crucial.  If you're hearing it from someone you just picked up that night RUN.
 
2017-11-08 09:45:14 AM  
Wednesday Prudence has arrived.

1) If a guy tells you you aren't great in bed, it's because he has a specific fantasy that he is emberassed to tell you about.  He wants freaky freaky in bed, but just doesn't know how to tell you what he wants, probably from emberassment.  In short he wants you to take the lead.  That way if it isn't what he's built up in his head or is tremendously emberassing, he can blame it on you.  Try going through the normal 'wierd' things the next time someone says this: Sticking objects in their pooper, dirty talk, making them wear your underwear.  Go through a litany of creative ideas until you hit their freak.  Other than that just know that he was a jerk.

2) If you talk about Jeff like that, you can get banned around here.

3) Who. the. fark. cares.  Really, the matrix has already firmly established that girl-girl homosexual relations are hot.  Other than that, nobody cares.

4) Maybe if you weren't a poisonous woman who stole money none of these problems would be biting you in the butt.

5) Bottle?  Bring a box of your favorite wine.  OK, honestly, if he's a jackball that can't respect and try new wines because he openly rejects anything under a certain price point, he can take that bottle and stick it up the pooper (question number 1, take note, this might be one of the fantasies I was talking about).  Go get something you like and share it, be it Wine, beer or hard liqour.  Ms. Kirklands (Costco's generic brand) routinely provides top notch stuff that beats out high end brand names (Vodka, Whiskey, Wines).  I'm an internet stranger, but I'm from a Polish Catholic family of alcoholics, when we say something is better, believe us, we drink it all in large glasses with no ice and no mixers.  In the end, if he rejects or makes fun of your wine, leave an upper decker in his master bathroom.

6) Kellyanne, the reason people stand when Donald enterss the room is because he's the President of the United States of America.  It shows respect for his office, and yes, you should stand to attention when he enters the room.

7) You can go two ways with the lie: The boyfriend is transgender and transitioning into a female role OR you can have your girlfriend dress as a boy and try to fool people into thinking shes a man.  Go with your gut on this one.

8) Kid, keep living at home, save up your money or invest it.  WHEN you find someone to date who has a close family like yours (or appreciates your close family), that is the serious relationship to have.  If someone can't enjoy your "Everybody Loves Raymond" lifestyle, it's not going to last as a relationship and you'll be writing letters to prudie in a few years about your crappy relationships because you have no friends in real life.

9) Lots of people do the quick wedding with a few family present for legal issues, then when the timing is right have a larger ceremony.  This isn't even something new (Hell, my Grandparent's got shotgun married about 6 months before having their first kid, then had the "real wedding" a few months after that).  If you want a large party to celebrate, take your time and plan it, nothing wrong with that.
That's all, don't forget to vote for Akula!
 
2017-11-08 09:55:10 AM  
akula:
1) Well, are you an attractive female? I'm more than willing to offer lessons. If not, pity. Anyway, in that case I might suggest being willing to do something other than partially clothed, lights out, missionary sex while you lay there like a dead fish. Try butt stuff.

I'm willing to offer lessons whether or not she is attractive. An eager partner who's willing to talk it out and try things is hot in its own way.

9) Yes, go ahead and have your wedding with all the trappings. If anything goes wrong, do it again a year later. Keep practicing until it's right. Your family and friends will love it, to say nothing of your husband. I mean, that idiot probably thought the whole point was to have a life together with him, not just have your special day with all the attention and everything just so. Show him how wrong he was.

THIS.
 
2017-11-08 09:59:24 AM  
Holy shiat, we all knew this was possible, but never dreamed we''d see it in our lifetimes....a genuine problem that can be solved with butt stuff!
 
2017-11-08 10:00:40 AM  

Big Beef Burrito: Holy shiat, we all knew this was possible, but never dreamed we''d see it in our lifetimes....a genuine problem that can be solved with butt stuff!


Butt stuff.  The answer is always butt stuff.
 
2017-11-08 10:05:40 AM  

foo monkey: Big Beef Burrito: Holy shiat, we all knew this was possible, but never dreamed we''d see it in our lifetimes....a genuine problem that can be solved with butt stuff!

Butt stuff.  The answer is always butt stuff.


The juxtaposition of "Big Beef Burrito" and "butt stuff" is engaging my "do not want" reaction.
 
2017-11-08 10:06:57 AM  

foo monkey: Big Beef Burrito: Holy shiat, we all knew this was possible, but never dreamed we''d see it in our lifetimes....a genuine problem that can be solved with butt stuff!

Butt stuff.  The answer is always butt stuff.


Well, yeah, but sometimes it's only a band-aid.  In this case, it's the actual cure!
 
2017-11-08 10:07:54 AM  

RogueWallEnthusiast: foo monkey: Big Beef Burrito: Holy shiat, we all knew this was possible, but never dreamed we''d see it in our lifetimes....a genuine problem that can be solved with butt stuff!

Butt stuff.  The answer is always butt stuff.

The juxtaposition of "Big Beef Burrito" and "butt stuff" is engaging my "do not want" reaction.


When you get called out for being bland, why not jump into the deep end?
 
2017-11-08 10:32:13 AM  
i0.kym-cdn.comView Full Size
 
2017-11-08 11:15:45 AM  
Have sex on the sofa instead.
 
2017-11-08 11:31:07 AM  

sithon: Women can't be bad in bed. They pretty much just have to be there.


Not at all true.  Enthusiasm, confidence, and a positive body image make a big difference.
 
2017-11-08 12:08:00 PM  

bigfatbuddhist: 6.  Try to avoid mentioning the possibility of pregnancy during coitus... or after... or at all...


Seriously, ^^^^ THIS^^^^.

I know your post was mostly a joke(and a great post, BTW), but even when you are actively trying to get pregnant, your SO grabbing you and telling you that "now" is the time to perform, because the planets are in alignment, her ovaries are at the perfect temperature, and there are 3 coyotes yipping at the moon, is the perfect way for the guy to feel so over pressured that 'nothing' happens.

Jesus, it was like the world's most stressful job interview every time the wife and I had sex when we wanted to get pregnant. And to make matters worse, I was actually wearing no pants, so that nightmare came true, too...
 
2017-11-08 12:09:34 PM  

Mikey1969: bigfatbuddhist: 6.  Try to avoid mentioning the possibility of pregnancy during coitus... or after... or at all...

Seriously, ^^^^ THIS^^^^.

I know your post was mostly a joke(and a great post, BTW), but even when you are actively trying to get pregnant, your SO grabbing you and telling you that "now" is the time to perform, because the planets are in alignment, her ovaries are at the perfect temperature, and there are 3 coyotes yipping at the moon, is the perfect way for the guy to feel so over pressured that 'nothing' happens.

Jesus, it was like the world's most stressful job interview every time the wife and I had sex when we wanted to get pregnant. And to make matters worse, I was actually wearing no pants, so that nightmare came true, too...


Been through it, myself.  The wife wanted a second child and, by God, I had to get it done.  I didn't think anything could take the fun out of sex, but THAT succeeded...
 
2017-11-08 12:31:05 PM  

bigfatbuddhist: Mikey1969: bigfatbuddhist: 6.  Try to avoid mentioning the possibility of pregnancy during coitus... or after... or at all...

Seriously, ^^^^ THIS^^^^.

I know your post was mostly a joke(and a great post, BTW), but even when you are actively trying to get pregnant, your SO grabbing you and telling you that "now" is the time to perform, because the planets are in alignment, her ovaries are at the perfect temperature, and there are 3 coyotes yipping at the moon, is the perfect way for the guy to feel so over pressured that 'nothing' happens.

Jesus, it was like the world's most stressful job interview every time the wife and I had sex when we wanted to get pregnant. And to make matters worse, I was actually wearing no pants, so that nightmare came true, too...

Been through it, myself.  The wife wanted a second child and, by God, I had to get it done.  I didn't think anything could take the fun out of sex, but THAT succeeded...


Women don't understand the mechanics of the male side of sex. There's a reason that the "think about baseball" cliche exists. Pressure, stray thoughts, meds, interruptions, those all can send things seriously out of whack for the guy.

Oh well, in the end, we had the world's most awesome daughter, which is all that matters. :-)
 
2017-11-08 12:44:23 PM  
Q. Holiday gift: We have to attend a pre-holiday party with the boss of my wife. He is fairly well off and a bit of a wine/food snob. We are unsure of what to bring. I have a great knowledge of wine and offered to bring a bottle from my collection, but we were informed he makes fun of people who do because no one yet has brought him a bottle of his caliber. Any ideas?

A: Hookers. Lots of hookers. And blow. Hookers and blow are sure to get the conversation moving forward at an awkward social gathering.


Shiat, this "Advice Column" shiat isn't that hard. Like other people say, add "butt stuff" to the main question, and I've already covered two of the questions to Prudence.
 
2017-11-08 01:37:44 PM  
Anal.
 
2017-11-08 01:45:49 PM  
FFS, will you idiots knock it off with the numbered walls of text?

You are not funny, and you are trying far too hard to be funny.

That one dumbass started it and now there are imitators (or alts). Sheesh.
 
2017-11-08 02:03:08 PM  

Englebert Slaptyback: FFS, will you idiots knock it off with the numbered walls of text?

You are not funny, and you are trying far too hard to be funny.

That one dumbass started it and now there are imitators (or alts). Sheesh.


1. Lighten up, Francis.

2. Seriously, lighten up.

3. You need to move on and get over this.

4. 
rs929.pbsrc.comView Full Size
 
2017-11-08 02:12:31 PM  

mfsst10: I'm willing to offer lessons whether or not she is attractive. An eager partner who's willing to talk it out and try things is hot in its own way.


Excellent point. Willingness counts for a hell of a lot.
 
2017-11-08 02:12:59 PM  

bigfatbuddhist: 9.  If, during sex, a man asks, "Who's your daddy?", the only correct responses are "You!" or "Please leave my house".  Singing  the Zombies Time of the Season is also acceptable since that tune will be stuck in your head for the rest of the night, anyway.


It will also give an interesting rhythm to work with, which might help bring some well-needed variety to the proceedings.
 
2017-11-08 02:13:46 PM  

Englebert Slaptyback: FFS, will you idiots knock it off with the numbered walls of text?

You are not funny, and you are trying far too hard to be funny.

That one dumbass started it and now there are imitators (or alts). Sheesh.


1) No. I do this for me and it seems some others enjoy it. So you don't. OK.

2) What, you think I don't know this? THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE.

3) Sweet! Now I'm "that one dumbass." I always wanted to be special!
 
2017-11-08 02:16:17 PM  
Try staying awake...
 
2017-11-08 02:39:33 PM  
You got to get under before you get over

/the big payback
 
2017-11-08 02:43:19 PM  

akula: Englebert Slaptyback: FFS, will you idiots knock it off with the numbered walls of text?

You are not funny, and you are trying far too hard to be funny.

That one dumbass started it and now there are imitators (or alts). Sheesh.

1) No. I do this for me and it seems some others enjoy it. So you don't. OK.

2) What, you think I don't know this? THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE.

3) Sweet! Now I'm "that one dumbass." I always wanted to be special!


At least you get to be special, now I'm an alt.
 
2017-11-08 03:14:47 PM  

tdyak: akula: Englebert Slaptyback: FFS, will you idiots knock it off with the numbered walls of text?

You are not funny, and you are trying far too hard to be funny.

That one dumbass started it and now there are imitators (or alts). Sheesh.

1) No. I do this for me and it seems some others enjoy it. So you don't. OK.

2) What, you think I don't know this? THIS IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE.

3) Sweet! Now I'm "that one dumbass." I always wanted to be special!

At least you get to be special, now I'm an alt.


It's all good. Saves us reading TFA, which really sucks on Slate...
 
Displayed 50 of 54 comments


Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | » | Newest | Show all


View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking

On Twitter





Top Commented
Javascript is required to view headlines in widget.
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report