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(Harpers Bazaar)   We are not nagging. We are just fed up   ( harpersbazaar.com) divider line
    More: Interesting, emotional labor, Gender, Emotion, Gender role, husband, Homemaker, emotional labor duties, emotional labor skills  
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4383 clicks; posted to Geek » on 30 Sep 2017 at 5:00 AM (2 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2017-10-01 12:18:43 PM  
How do I know this woman is a frigid uptight biatch and the husband is losermale cuck.

People get the relationships they deserve.  fark both 'em
 
2017-10-01 02:52:38 PM  

roc6783: seriously.though: AngryDragon: seriously.though: My husband also doesn't understand. He has two jobs when he's home, walk dog and mow the lawn. He's totally on board with dog, they go to the store and he buys a beer, then they go to the wooded area about 10 mins from the house and chase squirrels for an hour. The lawn is an absolute battle though. He doesn't understand that it has to be done at regular intervals, and he'll let it go for weeks. I explain that it needs to be done when it isn't raining, but he just says it's fine. It's not farking fine! It's a mess. What bugs me is when I break down and do it he gets all mad cause he was "getting to it". It takes me over an hour to get it done cause I have a bad back, it takes him about 20 mins. I do literally everything in the house, because I am a housewife and that is my job, I don't know why it's unreasonable for him to mow the stupid lawn without me being a biatch about it.

Not the same thing.  You're husband is just lazy.

Lazy, procrastinator, butthead... He's not all bad, but this bugs the hell out of me. Dog needs a clean yard, he loves dog, but doesn't see that he shouldn't be wandering around in his own filth.

Easy solution....get rid of the dog.


I'd get rid of the husband first. I had dog before I met him, and it's great that they're best buds, but he's my dog.
 
2017-10-01 03:03:14 PM  

DoBeDoBeLurk: Boudyro: From TFA she said "get a service if it isn't too expensive" he determined it was too expensive and focused on dealing with the primary thing she wanted the service for. There are a couple of points here: 1) Such services are always priced based on the region and, barring hiring an illegal alien or a random person, they going to be very close in price. 2) As far as I know, cleaning services as a rule do not pick up your shiat for you. You are expected to do that yourself so they can come in and efficiently dust/vacuum/mop/bathrooms, then GTFO to the next client. So her being annoyed that she had clean bathrooms but still had to pick up around the house would not have been resolved anyway.

There is a huge disparity in what cleaning services cost and what they will do (including 'pick up your shiat') I know this because I did the 'emotional labor' and found a cleaning service for an unwell neighbor who couldn't clean his own home. There are some who 'don't do windows,' and there are some who will dust all of your DVD cases with a Q-tip. He required one that would clean cat boxes. (They told me they would over the phone, they arrived for an assessment and told him they wouldn't, made the legally blind guy who can barely walk do it himself. Pissed me off, but there was nothing I could do about it by then.) If you're going to hire someone to do a thing, you don't quit after checking ONE.

But, here's the thing, we women do this to ourselves. At least, I do, and it sounds like the woman in the article does, too. Yes, you are taught to take on these sorts of tasks quietly and just get them done. When you do that, your partner never learns how to do these tasks and, half the time, never realizes they need doing. Inventorying the food and keeping a running tally of what you need to get at the store (and being able to adjust that for what's on sale, and meal-planning), that is HARD. Vetting a cleaning service is HARD. Keeping the laundry sorted and knowing who's running low on what clothing item and what load needs doing - HARD. It has to be learned. If the man (or clueless, non-gendered person) in your life did not pick up those skills prior to the relationship, they need time within the relationship to learn them. And, if you're the one who knows how, you have to show them... and be patient with them when they screw it up because they WILL screw it up, or at least not perform it to your standards.

I am not that patient. My husband has basically ceded the food and the kitchen to me, because I know how to manage it and he doesn't and I get irritated when he doesn't and I figure I'll probably outlive him or we'll go out together in some kind of glorious fireball. I asked him to make Jello, once. He made the Jello wrong. He produced Jello, but he used many more dishes than he needed. (All you need is the medium-sized measuring cup and a whisk, and two goblets to pour the Jello into. You make it with ice so it sets faster and you don't have to boil the water on the stove, it just needs to be hot enough to dissolve the sugar. Two minutes in the microwave will do it.) But I caught myself, while complaining about this, because, how the hell was he supposed to know? When was the last time he made Jello? Only the thing with the ice is on the package, and it's segregated in its own little box away from the directions. And of course I didn't think to tell him about it because I've made it so many times it seems obvious. And that is just a teeny-tiny thing. 'Fastest Jello with the fewest dishes that takes up the least space in the fridge.' This woman's husband vetted the cleaning companies wrong, but that is WAY more complicated. She either has to be willing to teach him (and he has to be willing to learn), or she has to be willing to throw him into the water and let him screw up until he figures it out on his own - while still being supportive of the effort. That is also really hard. It is so much easier to just do it, and then we wonder how our partners can be so stupid.

And your partner knows you think he is being stupid, and you are impatient with him. That's why they cleave so strongly to shopping lists and precise instructions and being told what to do. "Well, when I get it wrong, you get pissed off, so just tell me exactly what you want and I'll do that." That's easier, but it results in the man (or clueless, non-gendered person) going to the store and coming home without the chips he wanted because they weren't on the list. And then you get irritated with him for that.

Yeah, it would be great if everyone picked up these things as they matured, but for whatever reasons (nature/nurture) some don't. When you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't know how laundry works, you can either teach them, let them figure it out themselves, or do it forever. The option that results in the 'emotional labor' and the nagging and the clueless spouse is the one that results in fewer ruined clothes (or dishes, or botched attempts to solve the 'clean bathroom' problem), so that's the one we go with. I'm not saying I'm better than this, I'm not, but it's a systemic problem rather than one partner or the other, and it's beyond simple communication. There's an experience gap, and those of us who have the experience help perpetuate it.


You got it, yo.
 
2017-10-01 04:23:21 PM  

seriously.though: roc6783: seriously.though: AngryDragon: seriously.though: My husband also doesn't understand. He has two jobs when he's home, walk dog and mow the lawn. He's totally on board with dog, they go to the store and he buys a beer, then they go to the wooded area about 10 mins from the house and chase squirrels for an hour. The lawn is an absolute battle though. He doesn't understand that it has to be done at regular intervals, and he'll let it go for weeks. I explain that it needs to be done when it isn't raining, but he just says it's fine. It's not farking fine! It's a mess. What bugs me is when I break down and do it he gets all mad cause he was "getting to it". It takes me over an hour to get it done cause I have a bad back, it takes him about 20 mins. I do literally everything in the house, because I am a housewife and that is my job, I don't know why it's unreasonable for him to mow the stupid lawn without me being a biatch about it.

Not the same thing.  You're husband is just lazy.

Lazy, procrastinator, butthead... He's not all bad, but this bugs the hell out of me. Dog needs a clean yard, he loves dog, but doesn't see that he shouldn't be wandering around in his own filth.

Easy solution....get rid of the dog.

I'd get rid of the husband first. I had dog before I met him, and it's great that they're best buds, but he's my dog.


You assume I was referring to the nonhuman.  😁
 
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