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(Harpers Bazaar)   We are not nagging. We are just fed up   ( harpersbazaar.com) divider line
    More: Interesting, emotional labor, Gender, Emotion, Gender role, husband, Homemaker, emotional labor duties, emotional labor skills  
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4426 clicks; posted to Geek » on 30 Sep 2017 at 5:00 AM (10 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2017-09-30 01:14:57 PM  
FTFA: What I wanted was for him to ask friends on Facebook for a recommendation, call four or five more services, do the emotional labor I would have done if the job had fallen to me.

Calling maid servies is emotional labor?  Get a farking grip.
 
2017-09-30 01:21:27 PM  
My husband is a stay at home dad coontil Monday). He manages our house, gets groceries, does pick up and drop off, etc. However, his memory is shiat, so I used to have to ask him to do stuff several times. We started using wunderlist and low and behold the stress on both of us has dropped considerably. We also have a shared calendar so I don't feel like the cruise director telling him what our upcoming events and obligations are. fark mindreading. Communication is king for a happy life.

I see lot of biatching online from my friends that their husband doesn't do anything and everything falls on them, but it often comes from the same friends who complain that their spouse does everything wrong. They are driving themselves crazy because they just can't stand to let their husband do a task without micromanaging it, even if his way is just as good. Some of them seem to have folded into their identity. They love playing the martyr.

It doesn't help that men are portrayed as idiots or large children in most shows and commercials. Men are often discouraged from paternity leave. They are also treated as suspect by some moms (you should have seen the thread on my mom group the other day discussing whether a male teacher and basically assuming the guy is a perv). At least 1 in every 3 visits to the store my husband gets "he's with his daddy today, huh." He's with his daddy every day, but people still feel the need to remark on it. Even my son's school has called me twice this week even though my husband is listed as the first contact and they know he does pick up and drop off. If we don't acknowledge that men can be parents and can be a contributing member of the household beyond a paycheck, there will never be an equal balance.
 
2017-09-30 01:25:51 PM  

mesmer242: I used to say I didn't care how clothes got folded so long as they weren't on the floor, but I changed my mind about that when one of my kids took the entire stack of freshly laundered underwear and threw them back in their hamper, and then complained a few days later that they were out of underwear. That is officially folding clothes wrong.


No no, that is a child offering to help by doing... oh several loads of laundry, give or take. That's what we told our kids and funny enough, clean clothes mostly stopped being tossed on the floor.

As to the article I think that couple needs to communicate way more. It doesn't really sound like either of them is seriously insane, lazy or awful. They need to explain what they want, and if there is a specific way they want that accomplished, explain that too.

When you're asking someone to do something they have no idea how to do, you do have to tell them how to do it. Awhile back I asked Mrs. Jorm to phone around and get quotes for replacing the siding on our house. I knew she had the basic idea of "Call many places, set up appointments for quotes." but she got hung up on social anxiety. A bit of encouragement and "They want us to pay them thousands and thousands of dollars, they pretty much have to be nice." and the calls were done, quotes were got. It hadn't occurred to me that someone who wanted you to hire them for bunch of money would be intimidating or nasty.

/The siding is pretty sweet though. Hardy board so the next time the crazy neighbour burns her house down we won't be in any danger
 
2017-09-30 01:27:30 PM  

Theaetetus: draypresct: -he was doing the thing I had most wanted-giving me sparkling bathrooms without having to do it myself. Which is why he was frustrated when I ungratefully passed by, not looking at his handiwork
Good managers give feedback on the result; it seems like she didn't care about the result, only the process.

You clipped this of its context in order to intentionally distort the article. Allow me to restore it:
In his mind, he was doing the thing I had most wanted-giving me sparkling bathrooms without having to do it myself. Which is why he was frustrated when I ungratefully passed by, not looking at his handiwork as I put away his shoes, shirt and socks that had been left on the floor. I stumbled over the box of gift wrap... I had to get a kitchen chair and drag it into our closet so I could reach the shelf where it belonged.

That, in fact, wasn't the thing she had most wanted. It didn't achieve the result she wanted, so it's not that she didn't care about the result, but rather, her desired result - being able to relax - was unfulfilled.

You're misrepresenting the article in the same way that Weaver, AeroJockey, and AngryDragon were. It's not about some level of cleanliness she wants or whether it's "up to her standards", but rather that she would like the household tasks done without having to spend any thought or effort on it.The previous sentence, that you also clipped out, highlights this:
I was gifted a necklace for Mother's Day while my husband stole away to deep clean the bathrooms, leaving me to care for our children as the rest of the house fell into total disarray.

Had he hired a cleaning service, then she could be relaxing in the hammock with a drink and a book while he took care of the kids and house. Y'know, the sort of thing dads reasonably expect (and get) for father's day.

/that said, he seems clueless and she seems to be a terrible communicator, though hopefully, he reads this article


I agree with most of what you said, and will admit I'm reasonably new at the father gig. But celebrating father's day by avoiding fatherhood seems way off to me. It suits me to immerse myself in the joyof being a father. So anything that frees me to do that is appreciated. No work, no chores that take more than a minute or two, etc. But different strokes...
 
2017-09-30 01:36:36 PM  

draypresct: ginandbacon: draypresct: I tried reading your mind, but then I got an urge to buy a nice bottle of wine to share with my spouse tonight.

Much better impulse. :) Maybe flowers and a foot massage too...

BTW, guys, never underestimate the power of flowers. Women are idiots. We will go all gooey over flowers. It's the best lesson I taught my little brother and it's served him well. Although he pulls his own weight but everybody needs an out on occasion. Because we are all assholes sometimes. I have advice for the ladies when you fark up but that's for another thread.

Yeah, it took me a while to figure that one out. My wife is generally very practical, and I took her comments about not needing to spend money on flowers at face value for a few years.


If you want the real power, have the child(ren) pick out the flowers.  That way, its an auto win no matter what color/type/arrangement results.
 
2017-09-30 01:41:45 PM  
I do most of the cooking in my house. Also I do all of the maintenance. She does most of the cleaning and decorating.

Meh.
 
2017-09-30 01:42:30 PM  

doglover: If you don't ask for help, you don't get help.

End. Of. Story.

/offer void when code blue


Some obvious shiat shouldn't need asking about.

and it's not *help*.  You live there too.  Think about a roommate situation.  You shouldn't have to badger your roommate to hang up a new roll of paper if he uses one up.
 
2017-09-30 02:01:04 PM  

Bonzo_1116: and it's not *help*. You live there too. Think about a roommate situation. You shouldn't have to badger your roommate to hang up a new roll of paper if he uses one up.


The roll of paper thing is a poor example, and not obvious. A person who lives alone has no need to replace the roll when done - they can simply do it the next time they need to use it. Replacing the roll at the end of use is solely for the benefit of other residents.
 
2017-09-30 02:07:18 PM  

chaosangel: I am confused as to why this is called emotional labor.  The term mental labor makes more sense to me, as planning, comparison shopping, etc. are mental tasks. Emotional labor sounds like when I get together with girl friends who whine on and on about superficial stuff and I have to try to listen and be supportive without going into problem solving mode.

But then again, I've never been a "normal" woman and have always related better to men, so perhaps this is a new term that I've missed by limiting my interaction with girlie girls.

As for this article, it seems that this woman should be well aware that her hubby is incapable of providing her requested gift.  We all have our limits and short comings. If you can't accept that and learn to work around them, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

My hubby is a super genius code monkey. I've long ago accepted that his dirty underwear in the middle of the bedroom floor and the dishes and beer bottles all over the house are just invisible and inconsequential to him. He does what he does well, mows the lawn, takes out the garbage and that's all I'm ever going to get.


Super genius code monkey is not an excuse. In my house, we're both super genius code monkeys. This shiat still needs to get done, and I'm tired of hearing programmers (and it's always farking programmers who do this, and god help me I don't know why) make excuses for themselves instead of actually pulling their weight at home.

I'm also tired of programmers deciding that every problem at their job can be solved with a few more hours of work, conveniently leaving them too tired to do anything productive by the time they get home. Also the "I can't take a week of PTO nine months from now, I have too much work to do" refrain. But those are separate rants.
 
2017-09-30 02:23:50 PM  

trialpha: Bonzo_1116: and it's not *help*. You live there too. Think about a roommate situation. You shouldn't have to badger your roommate to hang up a new roll of paper if he uses one up.

The roll of paper thing is a poor example, and not obvious. A person who lives alone has no need to replace the roll when done - they can simply do it the next time they need to use it. Replacing the roll at the end of use is solely for the benefit of other residents.


img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-09-30 02:24:18 PM  

trialpha: Bonzo_1116: and it's not *help*. You live there too. Think about a roommate situation. You shouldn't have to badger your roommate to hang up a new roll of paper if he uses one up.

The roll of paper thing is a poor example, and not obvious. A person who lives alone has no need to replace the roll when done - they can simply do it the next time they need to use it. Replacing the roll at the end of use is solely for the benefit of other residents.


It's obvious even when you live alone...because that's what lets you know if there isn't any left in the cabinet.

Before you need it the next time, and there's magically none there to replace it with.
 
2017-09-30 02:28:25 PM  
"I was gifted a necklace for Mother's Day while my husband stole away to deep clean the bathrooms, leaving me to care for our children as the rest of the house fell into total disarray."

Wait. He disappears for a bit while she watches the children, and the entire house promptly falls apart?
 
2017-09-30 02:53:08 PM  

Bonzo_1116: It's obvious even when you live alone...because that's what lets you know if there isn't any left in the cabinet.

Before you need it the next time, and there's magically none there to replace it with.


That's only an issue for people who don't have large stockpiles. Even for those without, tissues can be used instead for that particular usage, and a note made to go to the store later.
 
2017-09-30 03:10:48 PM  

Chthonic Echoes: "I was gifted a necklace for Mother's Day while my husband stole away to deep clean the bathrooms, leaving me to care for our children as the rest of the house fell into total disarray."

Wait. He disappears for a bit while she watches the children, and the entire house promptly falls apart?


img.fark.netView Full Size

It was a Jenga house.
 
2017-09-30 03:39:55 PM  

Chthonic Echoes: "I was gifted a necklace for Mother's Day while my husband stole away to deep clean the bathrooms, leaving me to care for our children as the rest of the house fell into total disarray."

Wait. He disappears for a bit while she watches the children, and the entire house promptly falls apart?


She was probably watching Nickelodeon with the kids, a Kool-Aid commercial came on, and one of the kids make the rookie mistake of saying "Hey Kool-Aid!" and a giant anthropomorphic pitcher of sugary drink crashed through a load-bearing wall and the house had a partial collapse. I've seen it many times. Around the office we call it the "Fruit Punch" or the "Berry Blast."
 
2017-09-30 03:57:37 PM  
How men and women communicate.

It's Not About The Nail
Youtube -4EDhdAHrOg
 
2017-09-30 03:59:16 PM  

Theaetetus: trialpha: Bonzo_1116: and it's not *help*. You live there too. Think about a roommate situation. You shouldn't have to badger your roommate to hang up a new roll of paper if he uses one up.

The roll of paper thing is a poor example, and not obvious. A person who lives alone has no need to replace the roll when done - they can simply do it the next time they need to use it. Replacing the roll at the end of use is solely for the benefit of other residents.

[img.fark.net image 850x551]


Anyone who has ever been a janitor knows that women have no right to complain about mens' bathroom habits.
 
2017-09-30 04:33:34 PM  

Dragonflew: Theaetetus: trialpha: Bonzo_1116: and it's not *help*. You live there too. Think about a roommate situation. You shouldn't have to badger your roommate to hang up a new roll of paper if he uses one up.

The roll of paper thing is a poor example, and not obvious. A person who lives alone has no need to replace the roll when done - they can simply do it the next time they need to use it. Replacing the roll at the end of use is solely for the benefit of other residents.

[img.fark.net image 850x551]

Anyone who has ever been a janitor knows that women have no right to complain about mens' bathroom habits.


Not a CSB

Women's restroom in a five-star restaurant was the nastiest place I've ever cleaned on a regular basis.  I once came in on a Saturday morning to a stall with shiat on the walls, puddle of pee in the next stall, a few bloody tampons on the floor, toilet paper all over the place like a Halloween raid, and shiat filled panties in the cabinet under the sink on top of my cleaning supplies....to top that off -- an empty garbage can....

It's bad enough there's piss and shiat and blood all over the place...but ya gotta put shiat on my cleaning supplies too???  What kind of person shiats themselves, goes to get rid of their drawers, sees a garbage can completely empty, and says "Nah, I'll open this cabinet and place it on the Windex, 409, and industrial grade disinfectant instead"?  fark I hate people some days.  That was one of them.
 
2017-09-30 04:42:03 PM  

TheMarchHare: Sounds like you should sell the lawn mower and get a sheep. Dogs got a new friend and grass is taken care of.


That would actually be awesome. I doubt housing would go for it though.
 
2017-09-30 04:51:16 PM  

hashtag.acronym: Women's restroom in a five-star restaurant was the nastiest place I've ever cleaned on a regular basis.  I once came in on a Saturday morning to a stall with shiat on the walls, puddle of pee in the next stall, a few bloody tampons on the floor


Ever found one stuck to the wall? Three for me. The men's washrooms were spotless by comparison and this was on a military base where the population was at least 80% male.

So women, you can fark right off with your complaining about me leaving the seat up.
 
2017-09-30 04:51:18 PM  
My guess is that there are a lot of men either divorced or never lived wih a woman before on this thread.

If you live with someone, do what needs to be done, and dont be tha a**hole that waits to be told like a twelve year old.
 
2017-09-30 04:54:00 PM  
Judging from some of the comments, some misogynists too.
 
2017-09-30 05:13:32 PM  

Dragonflew: hashtag.acronym: Women's restroom in a five-star restaurant was the nastiest place I've ever cleaned on a regular basis.  I once came in on a Saturday morning to a stall with shiat on the walls, puddle of pee in the next stall, a few bloody tampons on the floor

Ever found one stuck to the wall? Three for me. The men's washrooms were spotless by comparison and this was on a military base where the population was at least 80% male.

So women, you can fark right off with your complaining about me leaving the seat up.


I've found all of the above stuck to the wall in rooms for either gender, but normally the women's room is the worst.

Men's restrooms, for the most part, was dealing with overflowing waste cans, pee on the floor and seats (if you can't aim after 30 years then damn), and the rare disabled stall where it looked like a disabled person had problems.  95% of the time a mop and a wipe was all that was necessary.

Women's restrooms are a place I dread to ever have to clean again.
 
2017-09-30 05:44:22 PM  
Mansplaining: A man explaining something in simplistic terms to a woman who has more extensive knowledge about that something than he does.

Womansplaining: You know exactly what it's about and if you don't then I'm not telling you.
 
2017-09-30 06:19:29 PM  
An important article. But it leaves out one important point, making me question the *real* problem in this household: what things does Mr. Husband Guy do that you do *not* do, that *you* take for granted?

It might be that your husband lacks the inherent ability to see the little things that need doing. It's not an uncommon trait among men. That doesn't mean he shouldn't work on it - but if you have a dog that is great at warning you of danger, great at being a companion, and the best frisbee-catcher in the world, but also digs up the yard... well, you can try to train him to *not* dig up the yard, sure. But some dogs are diggers, and maybe in exchange for the wonderful things Fluffy does bring to your life, you'll also have to accept that either A) you're gonna have to seed and sod often, or B) your yard is gonna have holes.

Now, if Fluffy is mean, violent, shiats the rug, tears up the house, digs up the yard, and no amount of sincere effort improves *anything*, well, he's not the right dog for you. That could be because he's just a bad dog. It could also be because you suck at having a dog, and he hates you. Doesn't matter; you and Fluffy are not gonna be happy together.

(If you're about to be reductive and make some "MEN ARE DOGS" or "MEN ARE NOT DOGS" statement, well, you're an idiot.)

My wife is brilliant. Loyal. Caring. Loving. My best friend. Hard working. Moral. Everything I could ever want in a lifelong partner. But she sucks at cooking, and while I am pretty good at it, I am *terrible* at remembering it's dinner time. So, we eat out a lot.

She wants steady and secure. I am a risk taker. So she keeps the steady gig, and I experiment in various endeavors, with an understanding that I need to keep a minimum income going so we can keep the pink slips away while I try my hand at various things.

The article talks about "emotional labor". An important concept. But, some guys tend to be more likely to suffer in silence - so while Mrs. Writer might not see the evidence, it's quite possible that Mr. Husband Guy is carrying a *ton* of emotional weight for the family, and protecting them from his own internal struggles by carrying them quietly.

Everyone talks about how guys are supposed to now be open and sensitive, sharing equally with their partners in all things. Except: try being that guy. That was me, the first half of my life, and women chewed me up and spat me out. Bottling it up and keeping it to myself was a learned response. Distancing myself when confrontation loomed was a learned response. Giving up on the idea of hopping from one foot to the next to earn someone's love... same thing.

The key to happiness in a relationship is acceptance of someone else's weak spots, working around them, and trying to be mindful of your own, as best you can. Not trying to change them - or yourself. It's not that hard once you fall into it. "OK, you aren't gonna remember to do the laundry, no matter how much I yap about it? Fine. We're taking it out to one of those wash-and-fold places. It will cost $100 a month. Your monthly vodak budget is hereby reduced thusly." "Ya know what? I drink too much. That's brilliant. I'm in." Making someone else fit your ideal mold of a mate is never, ever gonna work. biatching about it, stressing about it... useless. Painful. Hurtful to both of you.

If your spouse thinks you're nagging, arguing about whether or not your complaints qualify as *nags* won't fix anything. Find solutions, and where you can't, unless it is abusive/dangerous, just shrug it off. A perfectly happy family does not need to do everything perfectly.

TL;DR: You can live a perfectly happy life even if there is pile of laundry on the floor - unless you decide that's the hill you want your marriage to die on.
 
2017-09-30 06:57:23 PM  

SergeantObvious: The article talks about "emotional labor". An important concept. But, some guys tend to be more likely to suffer in silence - so while Mrs. Writer might not see the evidence, it's quite possible that Mr. Husband Guy is carrying a *ton* of emotional weight for the family, and protecting them from his own internal struggles by carrying them quietly.


I try to make sure that I pull my weight around the house and minimize "his" chores vs "my" chores so we both cook and clean and mow the lawn and do oil changes. But the thing that makes me really uncomfortable, now that I think on it, is that he almost never asks me for help or favors. Back when bleeding the brakes was a two person job, I'd get roped into that occasionally, and sometimes there's a request for waffles if I'm on a grocery run. But I almost never hear "Do you mind giving me a hand with....?" and I'm not too shy about asking for favors from him.

I don't really have a point here, but I had that observation today and it's unsettling.
 
2017-09-30 06:58:27 PM  

ginandbacon: Yup.

If something needs doing and you can only get around to doing it if someone else tells you to, you are an immature parasite. And yeah, it's annoying.


Hey, I'm not a parasite - I contribute a shiat-ton around here, both financially and otherwise. I just need directions.
 
2017-09-30 06:59:12 PM  
Also, an example of how we fight:

Her: "I will literally kill you if you don't mow the lawn right now."
Me, getting up from my desk: "You're a soulless harpy."
*kiss* *butt pat*
*mows lawn*

It's that easy, folks.
 
2017-09-30 07:00:56 PM  

the_vicious_fez: SergeantObvious: The article talks about "emotional labor". An important concept. But, some guys tend to be more likely to suffer in silence - so while Mrs. Writer might not see the evidence, it's quite possible that Mr. Husband Guy is carrying a *ton* of emotional weight for the family, and protecting them from his own internal struggles by carrying them quietly.

I try to make sure that I pull my weight around the house and minimize "his" chores vs "my" chores so we both cook and clean and mow the lawn and do oil changes. But the thing that makes me really uncomfortable, now that I think on it, is that he almost never asks me for help or favors. Back when bleeding the brakes was a two person job, I'd get roped into that occasionally, and sometimes there's a request for waffles if I'm on a grocery run. But I almost never hear "Do you mind giving me a hand with....?" and I'm not too shy about asking for favors from him.

I don't really have a point here, but I had that observation today and it's unsettling.


Why unsettling? You're different people. You roll differetly. That's ok.
 
2017-09-30 08:16:52 PM  
What, seriously?

I'm single; been single my whole adult life.

If I want shyt to get done, I have to do all of it myself.This lady ought to do similarly and be happy with whatever gift she happens to be given.

Cry harder.
 
2017-09-30 08:36:10 PM  
'' tidying everyone's strewn about belongings''

This particular item has an easy solution - if they leave their stuff laying about, throw it out.
css: Judy, who used to live around the corner from us, did this and by age 7 her two kids never left anything out.
But then again Judy was *ruthless* - she even threw out good clothes, new toys, expensive video games, etc.
Didn't donate them to a thrift shop, didn't sell them on ebay - the stuff just went in the trash. Scary efficient.
 
2017-09-30 09:56:07 PM  

casual disregard: Are there really men calling women nags? I hesitate to be surprised because this is kind of like when I accidentally visited a MRA site back when I thought the whole thing was a joke and found out nope, the MRAs are dead serious (as serious as they are pathetic). Maybe I'm just uncreative but I can't fathom insulting an entire half of the human population on the account of one or two bad experiences. There are good men and bad men, likewise good women and bad women. I suspect there are at least as many in any quantity belonging to any gender. There's nothing specifically about women that I would ever think to complain about.

There is another The Atlantic article by one of their better writers, Olga Khazan, about how relationships may be more precarious now because we have attached too much baggage to them. Fair warning, it's an interview with the author of a book (that I won't buy). In that light it's not so much a men vs. women divide as it is a me vs. you divide - we're just asking too much of another person. I'm not sure if it's true or not, but it's a different angle on an old idea.

/should I call it The Atlantic or just Atlantic in this context...? this seems awkward somehow


ever stand in the checkout line at a supermarket? there are some 25 magazine titles directed to women consumers. they exist to sell advertising. their content is horrible trash that messes with the target demographics mind. and those terrible magazines now exist online. absolute trash.
 
hej [TotalFark]
2017-09-30 10:05:13 PM  
ITT;  quite a few seemingly insufferable and presumably single Farkers.
 
2017-09-30 10:48:09 PM  

Truthman: My guess is that there are a lot of men either divorced or never lived wih a woman before on this thread.

If you live with someone, do what needs to be done, and dont be tha a**hole that waits to be told like a twelve year old.


Spoken like a true harridan. Guess you've never heard "who asked you to...."
 
2017-09-30 10:53:37 PM  

Fano: Truthman: My guess is that there are a lot of men either divorced or never lived wih a woman before on this thread.

If you live with someone, do what needs to be done, and dont be tha a**hole that waits to be told like a twelve year old.

Spoken like a true harridan. Guess you've never heard "who asked you to...."


It's a basic level of respect. When you share space with another person, then respect them enough to pick up after yourself, or at a minimum not make a bigger mess.
 
2017-09-30 10:57:24 PM  

seriously.though: Fano: Truthman: My guess is that there are a lot of men either divorced or never lived wih a woman before on this thread.

If you live with someone, do what needs to be done, and dont be tha a**hole that waits to be told like a twelve year old.

Spoken like a true harridan. Guess you've never heard "who asked you to...."

It's a basic level of respect. When you share space with another person, then respect them enough to pick up after yourself, or at a minimum not make a bigger mess.


Way to move the goalposts.
 
2017-09-30 10:59:38 PM  
"Emotional labor is the unpaid job men still don't understand."

img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-09-30 11:16:48 PM  

seriously.though: Fano: Truthman: My guess is that there are a lot of men either divorced or never lived wih a woman before on this thread.

If you live with someone, do what needs to be done, and dont be tha a**hole that waits to be told like a twelve year old.

Spoken like a true harridan. Guess you've never heard "who asked you to...."

It's a basic level of respect. When you share space with another person, then respect them enough to pick up after yourself, or at a minimum not make a bigger mess.


And who decides what degree of neatness is required? Because I dunno if you know this or not.... but people draw that line in different places. Who's the jerk? The one harping about a towel on the floor, or the one who forgot to toss it in the hamper?
 
2017-09-30 11:54:03 PM  

the_vicious_fez: SergeantObvious: The article talks about "emotional labor". An important concept. But, some guys tend to be more likely to suffer in silence - so while Mrs. Writer might not see the evidence, it's quite possible that Mr. Husband Guy is carrying a *ton* of emotional weight for the family, and protecting them from his own internal struggles by carrying them quietly.

I try to make sure that I pull my weight around the house and minimize "his" chores vs "my" chores so we both cook and clean and mow the lawn and do oil changes. But the thing that makes me really uncomfortable, now that I think on it, is that he almost never asks me for help or favors. Back when bleeding the brakes was a two person job, I'd get roped into that occasionally, and sometimes there's a request for waffles if I'm on a grocery run. But I almost never hear "Do you mind giving me a hand with....?" and I'm not too shy about asking for favors from him.

I don't really have a point here, but I had that observation today and it's unsettling.


That he's better than you?
 
2017-10-01 12:15:57 AM  

limboslam: "Emotional labor is the unpaid job men still don't understand."

[img.fark.net image 250x272]


Yep, fark that. My wife and I have been together long enough and though enough economic upheavals  that we've had several role reversals in the last couple decades; we've both had the chance to the be the "bread winner' and the "house manager." The grass isn't greener to either side, speaking from experience.
 
2017-10-01 12:48:43 AM  

Truthman: My guess is that there are a lot of men either divorced or never lived wih a woman before on this thread.

If you live with someone, do what needs to be done, and dont be tha a**hole that waits to be told like a twelve year old.


That's a great idea - of course, it applies to both parties, doesn't it?
 
2017-10-01 03:56:42 AM  

trialpha: Bonzo_1116: It's obvious even when you live alone...because that's what lets you know if there isn't any left in the cabinet.

Before you need it the next time, and there's magically none there to replace it with.

That's only an issue for people who don't have large stockpiles. Even for those without, tissues can be used instead for that particular usage, and a note made to go to the store later.


This is the stupidest, laziest thing I have ever heard on Fark and that's a goddamned skill.
 
2017-10-01 05:52:50 AM  

DoBeDoBeLurk: Boudyro


Mom was dead set her boys "wouldn't need a woman to take care of them". Our youth consisted of a firm rotation of household chores, to make sure we knew what it took. I've also been the best cook out of anyone I've known outside of my own mother and my first mother-in-law. Not that I'm anything special, but I can follow a recipe and even improvise a little if need be. As for meal planning, to help control my budget, I buy the bulk of my groceries for the month, with a second fruit and veggie run two weeks out from that. I've relaxed a bit, I used to be able to tell you what I was going to have for supper 3-4 weeks from now.

My biggest weakness is I am barely competent with money stuff. Great at taking care of needs, but piling it up is a struggle. Being underemployed has a lot to do with it though.

All that is a long way to say that any cohabitation generally consists of me doing whatever the other person sucks at because it will annoy me otherwise. I'd make a great stay at home dad or kept man if any sugarmommas are interested, Yes I know what the settings on the washing machine mean and I can even iron.
 
2017-10-01 05:58:18 AM  

Bonzo_1116: Some obvious shiat shouldn't need asking about.


Did I not say "offer void when code blue"?
 
2017-10-01 10:00:18 AM  

mesmer242: As a stay at home mom (something I am normally loathe to admit in fark threads), I feel like I have an advantage here. My job is literally to manage the running of the household, so it is expected that I will nag. My husband expects that I will manage the schedule and priorities, and so do I, and so do the kids. Do I wish my husband was occasionally more proactive about dealing with certain things? Sure. But he also does work at both work and home, and he's a great husband and dad. So in our case, the clarity about our current roles works to reduce stress because our expectations all match reality. Someday when I work again, we will communicate to each other how expectations need to change, and then everyone will do their best (which is not the same as perfection) to stick to the plan. The people in the article have not communicated the roles they want to each other and made a plan. That's on both of them, not just one.

That said, if you're a person who likes to say to your partner: "Hey, could you pick x, y, and z up at the store?" then... Stop. Just stop. Install google keep on both your phones, start a keep doc called "grocery list" and then add what's needed there. Have them do the same. It is the kindest thing you can do for the person in charge of the grocery shopping. Better living through technology, people.


My wife stays at home,  and does 95% of the running of our household.  It isn't a good mix, but she is a tough combination of particular and motivated whereas I'm lazy and have pretty severe ADD, diagnosed, but not medicated.

It causes quite a bit of frustration in her as she is now watching another kid during the day (We have a 5yo, a 2yo, and a 3mo), a 5mo, and tutoring 2 nights a week.  Because our kids are so young, it is a huge PITA to try and get anything done with them around so it usually ends up with me not doing any chores while watching the kids.  I really have to work on it, but like I started with, I'm really lazy.
 
2017-10-01 10:05:45 AM  

bingo the psych-o: The only problem I have with this is that men, by far, biatch and moan a lot more than women do.


I used to do this grunt/whine thing whenever my wife asked me to do something, and I never realized I was doing it.  I had to make a conscious effort not to do it.  It made her feel like I was trying to make her feel guilty for asking for some help.  It was really stupid and I didn't even realize I was doing it.
 
2017-10-01 10:57:15 AM  

Truthman: Judging from some of the comments, some misogynists too.


Truth, man.
 
2017-10-01 11:16:13 AM  

Snarfangel: Theaetetus: Snarfangel: ginandbacon: BTW, women initiate 69% of divorces...just sayin'.

Probably for the 69% of marriages men initiate.

So the real key to a successful marriage is lots of 69s?

It couldn't hurt.


I can if you do it wrong.
 
2017-10-01 11:46:30 AM  

seriously.though: My husband also doesn't understand. He has two jobs when he's home, walk dog and mow the lawn. He's totally on board with dog, they go to the store and he buys a beer, then they go to the wooded area about 10 mins from the house and chase squirrels for an hour. The lawn is an absolute battle though. He doesn't understand that it has to be done at regular intervals, and he'll let it go for weeks. I explain that it needs to be done when it isn't raining, but he just says it's fine. It's not farking fine! It's a mess. What bugs me is when I break down and do it he gets all mad cause he was "getting to it". It takes me over an hour to get it done cause I have a bad back, it takes him about 20 mins. I do literally everything in the house, because I am a housewife and that is my job, I don't know why it's unreasonable for him to mow the stupid lawn without me being a biatch about it.


I do the same thing, but I'm trying to be more proactive.  My wife and I clash over stuff like that because she was brought up in a very clean household and I was not.
 
2017-10-01 12:04:04 PM  

seriously.though: AngryDragon: seriously.though: My husband also doesn't understand. He has two jobs when he's home, walk dog and mow the lawn. He's totally on board with dog, they go to the store and he buys a beer, then they go to the wooded area about 10 mins from the house and chase squirrels for an hour. The lawn is an absolute battle though. He doesn't understand that it has to be done at regular intervals, and he'll let it go for weeks. I explain that it needs to be done when it isn't raining, but he just says it's fine. It's not farking fine! It's a mess. What bugs me is when I break down and do it he gets all mad cause he was "getting to it". It takes me over an hour to get it done cause I have a bad back, it takes him about 20 mins. I do literally everything in the house, because I am a housewife and that is my job, I don't know why it's unreasonable for him to mow the stupid lawn without me being a biatch about it.

Not the same thing.  You're husband is just lazy.

Lazy, procrastinator, butthead... He's not all bad, but this bugs the hell out of me. Dog needs a clean yard, he loves dog, but doesn't see that he shouldn't be wandering around in his own filth.


Easy solution....get rid of the dog.
 
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