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(Ottawa Citizen)   Drug dealer's cunning plan to get back into jail to sell pot to inmates. Throw a rock at police cruiser: ✓ Get arrested: ✓ Tossed back in Jail: ✓ Pull 8 Kinder Eggs out of your ass while guards are watching: Surprise   ( ottawacitizen.com) divider line
    More: Dumbass, Smuggling, Kinder Surprise eggs, Illegal drug trade, Kinder Surprise, Innes Road jail, Ottawa jail, Drug, notorious Ottawa jail  
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3288 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Sep 2017 at 12:30 PM (11 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



77 Comments     (+0 »)
 
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2017-09-20 10:25:37 AM  
Damian has been working hard to turn his life around.

I'm wondering what this person's definition of "turn his life around".  I mean really.  Going to that much trouble to shove stuff up your butt and try to take it into jail doesn't sound like the positive version of "turn your life around".
 
2017-09-20 10:51:00 AM  
img.fark.netView Full Size


I'll never be able to watch 'Aliens' again, without thinking about this guy.
 
2017-09-20 11:07:45 AM  
Kinder eggs are illegal so he has those charges, too.
 
2017-09-20 11:40:22 AM  
o_O
 
2017-09-20 11:43:50 AM  
I mean I knew about the "prison wallet" system, I'm just shocked this guy thought he'd get in the front door to make his loot. Every guard knows to check the rectum before letting them in general pop nowadays. He needs to sex up the head guard like everyone else & get it in that way.
 
2017-09-20 11:59:13 AM  
What a pain in the ass.
 
2017-09-20 12:34:07 PM  
Goo (ow)
Goo (ow)
Ga (ow)
Joob (ow)
 
2017-09-20 12:34:12 PM  

vudukungfu: Kinder eggs are illegal so he has those charges, too.


They're legal in Canuckistan - where we have the sense NOT to eat plastic objects hidden inside chocolate.
 
2017-09-20 12:35:39 PM  
I wondered if he bawked like a chicken whilst expunging his stash?
 
2017-09-20 12:37:10 PM  

oldfarthenry: vudukungfu: Kinder eggs are illegal so he has those charges, too.

They're legal in Canuckistan - where we have the sense NOT to eat plastic objects hidden inside chocolate.


Or is it really, where parents pay attention to what they hand their kids, and don't go straight to a lawyer after their own negligence causes their kid harm?
 
2017-09-20 12:37:53 PM  
Currency in prison is much different than on the outside... not sure how many people are strutting around with C-Notes
 
2017-09-20 12:38:47 PM  
He's just working his way up to creating art.

img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-09-20 12:40:01 PM  
How on earth did they settle on the term 'hooping' as a euphemism for cramming illegal sh*t up yo sh*thole? I'm pretty sure anyone reading a story about a dude smuggling contraband anywhere near a jail knows exactly where he hid it.

I mean, I know Canadians try to protect the tender sensibilities and be all polite and everything but man+ really-not-supposed-to-bring-that-in-the-jail = he is using his pooper as a purse.
 
2017-09-20 12:41:14 PM  

SpaceyCat: Damian has been working hard to turn his life around.

I'm wondering what this person's definition of "turn his life around".  I mean really.  Going to that much trouble to shove stuff up your butt and try to take it into jail doesn't sound like the positive version of "turn your life around".


So much this.
I mean, at what point in your life do you have to be where you decide, "Trying to sell these barely illegal drugs to people on the outside is too hard, I am going to sell them to inmates in jail for that sweet comissionary money instead."
 
2017-09-20 12:42:25 PM  

oldfarthenry: I wondered if he bawked like a chicken whilst expunging his stash?


The same week I turned 18, my dad dragged me to a maximum security prison to sit in on a Bible study class he was running there.  We got there early to walk the yard before class.  While we sat, watching the inmates walk around, two inmates came over and was loudly talking about an inmate getting raped the night before.  Being sure to be loud about how the guy bawked like a chicken.  We were sure they were trying to bug us.

/I'm sure someone will still think I'm fake
//I still remember it like I was still sitting there, feeling the very air that day
///Also the first time I saw a 6'3" man dressed like woman in tight shorts and high heels
////they later changed the dress code for inmates and started enforcing it
 
2017-09-20 12:43:47 PM  
Rectum? Nearly killed him.
 
2017-09-20 12:43:58 PM  

Random Anonymous Blackmail: Currency in prison is much different than on the outside... not sure how many people are strutting around with C-Notes


Yeah, I don't understand his reasoning at all.  Sure, you can curry favor with fellow inmates if you have drugs, but you aren't going to get good money, and even if you did, how are you getting it back out?

img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-09-20 12:44:14 PM  

xxBirdMadGirlxx: How on earth did they settle on the term 'hooping' as a euphemism for cramming illegal sh*t up yo sh*thole? I'm pretty sure anyone reading a story about a dude smuggling contraband anywhere near a jail knows exactly where he hid it.

I mean, I know Canadians try to protect the tender sensibilities and be all polite and everything but man+ really-not-supposed-to-bring-that-in-the-jail = he is using his pooper as a purse.


Maybe a term inmates themselves were using as a code word.  They'll change the word if it means the guards won't know what they mean if overheard.
 
2017-09-20 12:44:14 PM  
Crazy Canadians.  What will they think of next?

Hooping eh?
 
2017-09-20 12:45:07 PM  

Court Dude: He's just working his way up to creating art.

[img.fark.net image 763x918]

Priscilla Ping-Pong
Youtube WQLRUrBRVi4

 
2017-09-20 12:46:48 PM  

oldfarthenry: I wondered if he bawked like a chicken whilst expunging his stash?


Aaand there's an image I won't be getting out of my head for some time. Thanks for that.
 
2017-09-20 12:50:20 PM  
Court Dude

He's just working his way up to creating art.

img.fark.net


Performance artist no, talent-less attention whore looking for some press...yes.
 
2017-09-20 12:51:03 PM  

Court Dude: He's just working his way up to creating art.

[img.fark.net image 763x918]


I think I saw something like that when I was in Thailand

Also,
In all, the eight eggs contained 59 grams of marijuana, a gram of MDMA, tobacco, rolling papers and matches.

Rolling in prison sounds like a horrible, horrible experience
 
2017-09-20 12:51:09 PM  
Kid, have you rehabilitated yourself?
 
2017-09-20 12:51:10 PM  

xxBirdMadGirlxx: oldfarthenry: I wondered if he bawked like a chicken whilst expunging his stash?

Aaand there's an image I won't be getting out of my head for some time. Thanks for that.


Here's a Kinder Egg ad image to wash it away:
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-09-20 12:52:07 PM  

vudukungfu: Kinder eggs are illegal so he has those charges, too.


You might have missed the part where this happened in Canada. Besides, they only use the plastic capsule that holds the toy, and it's hard to violate the law about non-edible substances inside an edible object, if there is no edible object any more. I don't know if anyone has tested this with U.S. Customs yet, but it seems like it would be legal to import just the toy capsules. The chocolate sucks anyway.
 
2017-09-20 12:56:36 PM  
A whole new meaning to the dumb ass tag
 
2017-09-20 12:59:49 PM  
Surprise butt eggs?
 
2017-09-20 01:01:47 PM  
Ya know, if I were running a prison, I think I'd want to feed the inmates drugs.

/thorazine shuffle, anyone?
 
2017-09-20 01:01:56 PM  

ImpendingCynic: I don't know if anyone has tested this with U.S. Customs yet


what? stuck a kinder up their ass?
 
2017-09-20 01:02:46 PM  

ImpendingCynic: vudukungfu: Kinder eggs are illegal so he has those charges, too.

You might have missed the part where this happened in Canada. Besides, they only use the plastic capsule that holds the toy, and it's hard to violate the law about non-edible substances inside an edible object, if there is no edible object any more. I don't know if anyone has tested this with U.S. Customs yet, but it seems like it would be legal to import just the toy capsules. The chocolate sucks anyway.


Ohhhh... I was wondering how he could keep the eggs in shape, without his rectum and sphincter crushing them.

/New internet Fetish: Perfectly shaped pooped-out Kinder eggs?
 
2017-09-20 01:04:42 PM  
No longer a hero

img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-09-20 01:08:31 PM  

Eli WhiskeyDik: What a pain in the ass.


Walker: Rectum? Nearly killed him.


What an asshole.
/literally.
 
2017-09-20 01:10:47 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-09-20 01:13:33 PM  
Capitalists are weird
 
2017-09-20 01:18:54 PM  

Court Dude: He's just working his way up to creating art.

[img.fark.net image 763x918]


I seen lots of women in strip clubs shoot stuff out of their vaginas (ping pong balls, Popsicles).  Stephanie Evans (travelling feature in the 1990's) would smoke a cigarette with hers.  Now that's impressive.
 
2017-09-20 01:19:26 PM  
haha!  the guards suspected him of keistering dope and put him in dry dock.
 
2017-09-20 01:21:25 PM  

starsrift: SpaceyCat: Damian has been working hard to turn his life around.

I'm wondering what this person's definition of "turn his life around".  I mean really.  Going to that much trouble to shove stuff up your butt and try to take it into jail doesn't sound like the positive version of "turn your life around".

So much this.
I mean, at what point in your life do you have to be where you decide, "Trying to sell these barely illegal drugs to people on the outside is too hard, I am going to sell them to inmates in jail for that sweet comissionary money instead."


Because they'll pay up to 20 times more on the inside. Some Hispanic guy told me he did this before. Turned himself in for a traffic warrant(he would've eventfully went to jail anyway), hid A $150 worth of crack up his ass, left jail within a week with about 2 grand. I'm sure this is very common.
 
2017-09-20 01:24:11 PM  

starsrift: SpaceyCat: Damian has been working hard to turn his life around.

I'm wondering what this person's definition of "turn his life around".  I mean really.  Going to that much trouble to shove stuff up your butt and try to take it into jail doesn't sound like the positive version of "turn your life around".

So much this.
I mean, at what point in your life do you have to be where you decide, "Trying to sell these barely illegal drugs to people on the outside is too hard, I am going to sell them to inmates in jail for that sweet comissionary money instead."


I think the money usually changes hands on the outside.
 
2017-09-20 01:25:26 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-09-20 01:29:30 PM  

vudukungfu: Kinder eggs are illegal so he has those charges, too.


Kinder Surprise eggs are not legal due to the law that confections cannot have inedible items inside, however, Kinder Joy eggs are legal in the US, as they are a different packaging, but not the same type of candy, but still containing a toy. Respectfully, he probably didn't cram a Kinder Joy in his rectum.
 
2017-09-20 01:32:45 PM  

oldfarthenry: vudukungfu: Kinder eggs are illegal so he has those charges, too.

They're legal in Canuckistan - where we have the sense NOT to eat plastic objects hidden inside chocolate.


That is what makes America so great. The guberment will keep us safe so we don't *have* to spend all that learning time to be tought not to eat plastic, and can use that time to learn more about Jesus and guns.
 
2017-09-20 01:32:57 PM  
I'm not getting those kinder eggs next time I go shopping.  Do not recommend.  Zero stars
 
2017-09-20 01:33:36 PM  

colon_pow: starsrift: SpaceyCat: Damian has been working hard to turn his life around.

I'm wondering what this person's definition of "turn his life around".  I mean really.  Going to that much trouble to shove stuff up your butt and try to take it into jail doesn't sound like the positive version of "turn your life around".

So much this.
I mean, at what point in your life do you have to be where you decide, "Trying to sell these barely illegal drugs to people on the outside is too hard, I am going to sell them to inmates in jail for that sweet comissionary money instead."

I think the money usually changes hands on the outside.


I think the bigger point is that he did this for weed, pipe tobacco, and X.  Ottowa has two universities.  Which means it has at least 4 or 6 college students.  You would have to be literally (in the literal sense of literally) the worst salesman in the world to not be able to sell a buttload (again, literal literally) of the aforementioned drugs to co-eds.  And your chance of long stretches of jail time and/or unwanted buttsex are drastically reduced.
 
2017-09-20 01:34:39 PM  

Leftover Cocaine: Respectfully, he probably didn't cram a Kinder Joy in his rectum.


If he did, he'd have to take a seat over there.
 
2017-09-20 01:36:13 PM  

xxBirdMadGirlxx: How on earth did they settle on the term 'hooping' as a euphemism for cramming illegal sh*t up yo sh*thole? I'm pretty sure anyone reading a story about a dude smuggling contraband anywhere near a jail knows exactly where he hid it.

I mean, I know Canadians try to protect the tender sensibilities and be all polite and everything but man+ really-not-supposed-to-bring-that-in-the-jail = he is using his pooper as a purse.


"Hrrrghhhhoop!  One down, seven to go...  Hrrrghhho-"
 
2017-09-20 01:40:54 PM  

oldfarthenry: vudukungfu: Kinder eggs are illegal so he has those charges, too.

They're legal in Canuckistan - where we have the sense NOT to eat plastic objects hidden inside chocolate.


Where they dont have visious parents killing their own kids for lawsuit money either!
 
2017-09-20 01:44:01 PM  
Why don't people get like a kangaroo pouch surgically installed? Seems like that would be easier than cramming things up the old poop hole. Then you get in the prison, and just pull on the velcro tab holding your belly flaps together and start selling your goodies.
 
2017-09-20 02:04:24 PM  

MythDragon: Why don't people get like a kangaroo pouch surgically installed? Seems like that would be easier than cramming things up the old poop hole. Then you get in the prison, and just pull on the velcro tab holding your belly flaps together and start selling your goodies.


img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-09-20 02:06:44 PM  
Been done.
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
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