Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Slate)   "Dear Prudence: I share custody of my daughter with my ex-husband, who physically and emotionally abused me. My daughter doesn't know and wasn't harmed by him. How do I teach my daughter about domestic violence without talking about her dad?"   ( slate.com) divider line
    More: Sad, Abuse, physically abusive man, beautiful little girl, Need, guilt trip, daughter, pretty stressful job, Little red hen  
•       •       •

587 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 12 Sep 2017 at 9:20 AM (13 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



33 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2017-09-12 06:39:28 AM  
You don't have to relate your OWN experiences with abuse to teach your daughter not to take abuse.  You don't have to be sexually harassed or assaulted to teach your daughter what to do in the face of sexual harassment or assault.
 
2017-09-12 06:43:06 AM  
Shes gonna find out bout it sooner or later. Might as well just tell her that her dad is a shiatbag and get it over with.
 
2017-09-12 07:23:59 AM  
Treat it as a fable with the antagonist being "Daddy McFather"... she'll never know...
 
2017-09-12 08:36:48 AM  
I would just say that since she doesn't know what the ex says about her when she's not around, the best thing she can do is be as open and honest and not try to keep up any appearances for appearances sake, but not turn it into a tirade against him, either. Find some middle ground, but don't keep feelings hidden or experiences.
 
2017-09-12 09:07:07 AM  

Kirablue42: I would just say that since she doesn't know what the ex says about her when she's not around, the best thing she can do is be as open and honest and not try to keep up any appearances for appearances sake, but not turn it into a tirade against him, either. Find some middle ground, but don't keep feelings hidden or experiences.


Eh...there is some value is not airing your dirty laundry in front of your kids, at least not WHILE they're children.  After my parents divorced, my mother never said a bad word about my father.  My mother never even told me WHY they got divorced until I was 40 (and was having problems with my own marriage).   She didn't want to poison me towards my father and trusted I would make my own mind about him, and I did.  I'm sure there will be plenty of time when they're adults to reveal what happened, but not while they're children.
 
2017-09-12 09:20:57 AM  
Why would you NOT tell her? That's some dereliction of parenting there. Why protect the abuser? He's a piece of trash, and if he didn't want his daughter judging him, he shouldn't have been abusive. Not farking rocket science here.
 
2017-09-12 09:40:35 AM  
Beat the shiat out of her but then explicitly state that what you just did was wrong. She's smart. She'll pick up on it.
 
2017-09-12 09:55:39 AM  

adamgreeney: Why would you NOT tell her? That's some dereliction of parenting there. Why protect the abuser? He's a piece of trash, and if he didn't want his daughter judging him, he shouldn't have been abusive. Not farking rocket science here.


Yes because what's important is making sure the bad guy suffers not giving the 10 year old a childhood.

He has legal shared custody, telling the child that he's an abuser but that she is still obligated to spend time with him is not a brilliant plan.

"Just so you know you father is a monster and I'm unable to protect you from him, have a fun weekend at daddies!"
 
2017-09-12 10:04:47 AM  

cman: Shes gonna find out bout it sooner or later. Might as well just tell her that her dad is a shiatbag and get it over with.


My mom's first husband was an abusive shiatbag. He never had anything to do with my older sister, and my dad adopted her when she was four. My mom was never shy about talking about what a shiatbag her ex was, so my sister built up a romantic idea in her head that my mom was making everything up. Hey, teenage girls can really hate their moms. My sister spent three years trying to find her dad. Along the way, she found out that mom was not exaggerating, and, though she was glad to find more family, it depressed her to find that her biological father had been a shiatbag to a number of women.

So, the year our dad died, when she was 19, my baby sister fell for a manipulative, abusive shiatbag. She married him. He broke her nose. He gave her more than one black eye. And then she was pregnant. The beating stopped. Until the baby was born. My sister decided she did not want her daughter raised in an abusive home, so she filed for divorce. At the trial, the shiatbag argued that he did not abuse my little sister. He said he only smacked her around when she needed it. The judge informed him that was abuse, and granted the divorce. He was ordered to pay child support in the amount of $35/month. My niece is now 34, and her father never paid a penny of child support.

But my sister, noting how a lifetime of hearing how awful her dad was screwed up our older sister, opted to not trash her ex. She allowed him to see his daughter, but he had problems showing up for events and visits. When my niece would stay with her father, she got to see the way her dad treated other women. He almost killed his new wife in front of my niece (no overnight stays at father's house after that). Her dad had children by four different women (he married two), and he didn't pay child support for any of them because he worked in construction, off book, getting paid under the table. He never showed up for a school play or a graduation. My niece formed her own opinion of her dad.
 
2017-09-12 10:05:06 AM  

cman: Shes gonna find out bout it sooner or later. Might as well just tell her that her dad is a shiatbag and get it over with.


And she probably knows now. On some level at least. Kids are sponges and they always know more than their parents think.
 
2017-09-12 10:06:07 AM  

Egoy3k: adamgreeney: Why would you NOT tell her? That's some dereliction of parenting there. Why protect the abuser? He's a piece of trash, and if he didn't want his daughter judging him, he shouldn't have been abusive. Not farking rocket science here.

Yes because what's important is making sure the bad guy suffers not giving the 10 year old a childhood.

He has legal shared custody, telling the child that he's an abuser but that she is still obligated to spend time with him is not a brilliant plan.

"Just so you know you father is a monster and I'm unable to protect you from him, have a fun weekend at daddies!"


NOT telling her puts her at risk. She should be able to see the signs in case he starts to manipulate or abuse her. Yeah, she's 10, and she should have a childhood, but that ship has sailed. They were dumb enough to have her, and the mom was stupid to not get custody. There is no good reason not to tell the daughter, and if she ISN'T told and starts to be abused, that's a massive betrayal from the mother.
 
2017-09-12 10:21:39 AM  
Hahahahaa. There is no way. Tell your daughter he's a vile piece of shiat that she might be able to have a relationship with, if she wants, if she never believes a word he tells her and never trusts him to do anything that he promises.

Of course, the courts will hate you for this, because you're supposed to lie, and make your daughter believe that he's a good guy. That way, when she grows up, she'll be able to make the same mistake that you did.

But you better lie anyway, or the courts will give custody to dear old dad.
 
2017-09-12 10:24:32 AM  
I don't know lady, you were an adult with a lifetime of experiences and got caught in an abusive relationship. Your 10 year old isn't going to figure out what daddy is doing until it's too late and I doubt she's going to thank you for not looking out for her.
 
2017-09-12 10:56:49 AM  

Ambivalence: Kirablue42: I would just say that since she doesn't know what the ex says about her when she's not around, the best thing she can do is be as open and honest and not try to keep up any appearances for appearances sake, but not turn it into a tirade against him, either. Find some middle ground, but don't keep feelings hidden or experiences.

Eh...there is some value is not airing your dirty laundry in front of your kids, at least not WHILE they're children.  After my parents divorced, my mother never said a bad word about my father.  My mother never even told me WHY they got divorced until I was 40 (and was having problems with my own marriage).   She didn't want to poison me towards my father and trusted I would make my own mind about him, and I did.  I'm sure there will be plenty of time when they're adults to reveal what happened, but not while they're children.


There is some value in letting the children know the truth, no matter how painful it can be. This doesn't mean that you have to degrade the other person, or demean them. But ultimately the perpetrator  will have to deal with how others view their behavior.

The children can learn to pick up the subtle warning flags that some personalities give off in their body language and the way they say things.
 
2017-09-12 11:07:30 AM  
Rare instance where the answer is not butt stuff.  Unless it's her step-daughter.  Then there's some fine reference material over at pornhub.com.  Or so I've heard.
 
2017-09-12 11:27:24 AM  
Watch a Law & Order marathon (they're always on) and say, "wow, he's just like your father" a lot.
 
2017-09-12 11:31:07 AM  
"Dear Prudence: I share custody of my daughter with my ex-husband, who physically and emotionally abused me. My daughter doesn't know and wasn't harmed by him. How do I teach my daughter about domestic violence without talking about her dad?"

Beats me.
 
2017-09-12 11:46:06 AM  
It doesn't seem like a huge conflict in my mind.  If you don't want to tell your daughter about her dad, just give her a general spiel on what abusive behavior looks like and how it starts.  Find some helpful, educational, tween videos online - something that's hip to the kids.  Then wait to tell kid about dad.  The twain never has to meet.  It's not what I'd do, personally, but it's not some Herculean task.  Personally, if my ex beat me, I'd spend every dime I had and then some to make sure he wouldn't have unsupervised visits with the kids until they were grown.  If mommy isn't around to beat up on, the kids and the pets are next.
 
2017-09-12 11:50:10 AM  
He's the expert, let him teach her.
 
2017-09-12 12:00:00 PM  
Tell her how to behave and what to expect from others, as if your own past experiences had never happened.  Just like a Little League dad.
 
2017-09-12 12:03:13 PM  
OK, back in town after being gone last week and getting out of FL before Irma.

1) What, your daughter is 10 and you just now are wondering about this? You're way the hell behind the curve here, sister. The best way to teach is through immersive experiences. The moment she gets a touch out of line, help her "run into a door." Make it up to her, but be sure to tell her "This is how your asshole dad treated me." That way she'll be able to identify the real perpetrator while being ready to handle abusive relationships in the future.

2) You expect to hold her accountable for things said while drunk? OK, we can do this. You don't remember how much YOU drank, you do? Or how you came onto your cousin? That eating disorder doesn't seem so big a deal now, does it, slut?

3) You seem wound pretty tight. Have you thought about maybe having a glass or two of wine to help you relax when you're around family?

4) You were UNFRIENDED ON FACEBOOK? This insult cannot be allowed to stand? Smack her in the face with a gauntlet (you DO have one, right?) and challenge the bride to pistols at dawn. It's the only way.

5) Oooooo... look, it's a CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST. I bet you're a cute couple with Doogie Howser, Child Doctor.

6) You've got a shovel. You've got a plot of ground. Have you ever thought about some deep fertilization of the garden? Like, maybe a hole about 2.5 feet by 6 feet and 6 feet deep. Find something useless to put in the hole. Then cover it up and replant the garden. You know what I mean. Now you can garden in peace.

7) Take your 12 steps right off a pier. This is my column, dammit!

8) Make sure they know it's all about you. Friendships exist to support YOUR mental state. They're all just supporting characters in your life, so they should be happy that you've returned and are wanting them to plug right back in without respecting how they may have changed. They weren't good enough for you then, and now you want to evaluate them and see if they've learned anything in your absence. Be up front with this. You don't need to pussyfoot around and try to reciprocate, that's on them, not you.

Thanks for writing, all you fake people!
 
2017-09-12 12:06:06 PM  
You just have to beat it into her.
 
2017-09-12 12:09:07 PM  
Oh FFS, teach her not to take shiat form anyone, especially people who claim to love her. It's that farking simple.
 
2017-09-12 01:01:19 PM  

Ambivalence: Kirablue42: I would just say that since she doesn't know what the ex says about her when she's not around, the best thing she can do is be as open and honest and not try to keep up any appearances for appearances sake, but not turn it into a tirade against him, either. Find some middle ground, but don't keep feelings hidden or experiences.

Eh...there is some value is not airing your dirty laundry in front of your kids, at least not WHILE they're children.  After my parents divorced, my mother never said a bad word about my father.  My mother never even told me WHY they got divorced until I was 40 (and was having problems with my own marriage).   She didn't want to poison me towards my father and trusted I would make my own mind about him, and I did.  I'm sure there will be plenty of time when they're adults to reveal what happened, but not while they're children.


And what's wrong with that? That sounds reasonable.
 
2017-09-12 01:04:17 PM  

cryinoutloud: Hahahahaa. There is no way. Tell your daughter he's a vile piece of shiat that she might be able to have a relationship with, if she wants, if she never believes a word he tells her and never trusts him to do anything that he promises.

Of course, the courts will hate you for this, because you're supposed to lie, and make your daughter believe that he's a good guy. That way, when she grows up, she'll be able to make the same mistake that you did.

But you better lie anyway, or the courts will give custody to dear old dad.


Am you Bizarro's daddy?
 
2017-09-12 02:55:09 PM  
Just tell her in general terms about domestic violence, not specific to the ex-husband.  Anything too specific, without evidence of ongoing abuse, can be used against you in child custody hearings as trying to turn the child against her father.  Let her know she can always speak to you about anything and you will help her without judging.  Then watch as closely as you are able - a man who will abuse his wife won't necessarily think twice about abusing his kids.  Document any suspicious incidences.
 
2017-09-12 04:10:11 PM  
Talk about everything in hypothetical.  Really brow-beat this into her with examples that aren't her father.  Then point out the consequences of leaving an abusive relationship without pointing out that it precisely mirrors your own experience.  Somewhere around age 14 lay it out for her and she'll flip the fark out one way or the other on you (probably several more directions because hormones).  Right about the time she grows out of shaving her head and assaulting people of other ethinc groups she'll sort out her father was abusive and you'll stop being the bad guy.
 
2017-09-12 05:32:43 PM  

Egoy3k: adamgreeney: Why would you NOT tell her? That's some dereliction of parenting there. Why protect the abuser? He's a piece of trash, and if he didn't want his daughter judging him, he shouldn't have been abusive. Not farking rocket science here.

Yes because what's important is making sure the bad guy suffers not giving the 10 year old a childhood.

He has legal shared custody, telling the child that he's an abuser but that she is still obligated to spend time with him is not a brilliant plan.

"Just so you know you father is a monster and I'm unable to protect you from him, have a fun weekend at daddies!"


I'm curious why you suddenly think a person that writes to Prudence is the very model of virtue and honesty.

It's equally likely she's the psycho and the kid should be with their Dad full time.
 
2017-09-12 05:39:07 PM  

ds615: Egoy3k: adamgreeney: Why would you NOT tell her? That's some dereliction of parenting there. Why protect the abuser? He's a piece of trash, and if he didn't want his daughter judging him, he shouldn't have been abusive. Not farking rocket science here.

Yes because what's important is making sure the bad guy suffers not giving the 10 year old a childhood.

He has legal shared custody, telling the child that he's an abuser but that she is still obligated to spend time with him is not a brilliant plan.

"Just so you know you father is a monster and I'm unable to protect you from him, have a fun weekend at daddies!"

I'm curious why you suddenly think a person that writes to Prudence is the very model of virtue and honesty.

It's equally likely she's the psycho and the kid should be with their Dad full time.


Why assume that the writer even exists?  Dear Prudence article discussion are always one step away from a form of very specific solipsism. The only way to proceed is to assume certain things are true.  You have to assume or at least pretend to assume that the letter writer is real and the issue is at least somewhat accurately described by them otherwise you have nothing to discuss.
 
2017-09-12 07:48:39 PM  

UncleDirtNap: "Dear Prudence: I share custody of my daughter with my ex-husband, who physically and emotionally abused me. My daughter doesn't know and wasn't harmed by him. How do I teach my daughter about domestic violence without talking about her dad?"

Beats me.


Tiny fist, shaking
 
2017-09-12 09:55:22 PM  

Fano: cryinoutloud: Hahahahaa. There is no way. Tell your daughter he's a vile piece of shiat that she might be able to have a relationship with, if she wants, if she never believes a word he tells her and never trusts him to do anything that he promises.
Of course, the courts will hate you for this, because you're supposed to lie, and make your daughter believe that he's a good guy. That way, when she grows up, she'll be able to make the same mistake that you did.
But you better lie anyway, or the courts will give custody to dear old dad.
Am you Bizarro's daddy?


Who's bizarro?

My kid knew that dad might shoot him when he was about six. I just had to confirm it. (And I did, just last year--when he was 23.)
But he knew when he was a kid.
 
2017-09-13 08:34:53 AM  
This isn't real. If it was, the woman would have used allegations of abuse to get sole custody and bleed the guy dry with extra-large "child support" payments.
 
2017-09-13 03:28:04 PM  

bingethinker: This isn't real. If it was, the woman would have used allegations of abuse to get sole custody and bleed the guy dry with extra-large "child support" payments.


According to someone in this thread violent dads often get sole uncontested custody of kids.
 
Displayed 33 of 33 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking

On Twitter





Top Commented
Javascript is required to view headlines in widget.
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report