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(Fark)   Wait -- you mean we're supposed to hold farts in?   ( fark.com) divider line
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502 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 11 Sep 2017 at 10:20 AM (13 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



35 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2017-09-11 09:52:33 AM  
Don't hold farts in.  They will run up your spine to your brain and give you crappy ideas.
 
2017-09-11 10:18:47 AM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-09-11 10:34:40 AM  

oldernell: Don't hold farts in.  They will run up your spine to your brain and give you crappy ideas.


They will also make you spontaneously combust, according to South Park.
 
2017-09-11 10:36:52 AM  
At home:
Let 'em rip!

At work:
Excuse yourself to the restroom.  I don't want to smell what's living in "Uranus."
 
2017-09-11 10:43:53 AM  
But you will spontaneously combust.
 
2017-09-11 10:44:16 AM  
Wait, is this true?  Need to know soonish.
 
2017-09-11 10:48:20 AM  
NO! That goes against my entire belief system.
Stop crop-dusting the tab with this heresy.
 
2017-09-11 10:54:02 AM  
My office chair at work has 8 years worth of archived farts, which is the last time I got a new chair.

Here's a fun fact: If you think about it, when you're out and about, a minute portion of the air you're breathing is everyone's farts, a significant portion of which is emitted from Trump's oral anus.
 
2017-09-11 10:55:20 AM  
Had Blue Marlin filet with Jasmine rice w/mango sauce last night. Good thing I'm self employed....something is reacting strangely.
 
2017-09-11 10:58:26 AM  
My 2 year old was sick yesterday. She just wanted to be held. So I laid down on the couch with her laying on top of me, and we watched football. She started farting. So I started farting. We both laughed. I spent the entire afternoon watching football, trading farts with a 2 year old, and laughing. She's doing much better today.

Laughter is truely the best medicine. And farts.

/Fart
 
2017-09-11 11:00:52 AM  
But then what will I do when I stuff my wife's head under the covers?
 
2017-09-11 11:16:58 AM  
Anyone else get intestinal depth charges if in a place where you can't fart?  Thumping bumps in the intestines?
 
2017-09-11 11:22:13 AM  

Psychopusher: My office chair at work has 8 years worth of archived farts, which is the last time I got a new chair.

Here's a fun fact: If you think about it, when you're out and about, a minute portion of the air you're breathing is everyone's farts, a significant portion of which is emitted from Trump's oral anus.


TDS in 8. Fark must be slipping.
 
2017-09-11 11:33:58 AM  
'supposed to' is the phrase that guarantees we won't.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTUcHpM8jMU
 
2017-09-11 11:53:54 AM  

The Flexecutioner: 'supposed to' is the phrase that guarantees we won't.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTUcHpM8jMU


Better to fart and bear the shame
Than not to fart and bear the pain
 
2017-09-11 12:01:54 PM  

Lipspinach: The Flexecutioner: 'supposed to' is the phrase that guarantees we won't.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTUcHpM8jMU

Better to fart and bear the shame
Than not to fart and bear the pain


img.fark.netView Full Size


But why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?
 
2017-09-11 12:30:30 PM  
I've been a bachelor so long I've lost the ability to hold in farts.
 
2017-09-11 12:35:45 PM  
There's something that I must confess
About gastrointestinal distress
If you're holding it in
You're committing a sin
You should blow off enough to impress
 
2017-09-11 01:46:58 PM  
If i didn't fart or belch, I would explode.
 
2017-09-11 01:56:58 PM  
I never thought it would happen this soon, but I have already reached a point in my life (poor diet, alcohol intake, whatever) where I treat every fart like an emergency.  I have been tricked before, dammit, not gonna happen again.
 
2017-09-11 02:59:17 PM  

Onionhead: At home:
Let 'em rip!

At work:
Excuse yourself to the restroom.  I don't want to smell what's living in "Uranus."


Hey !  That's what elevators are made for..
 
2017-09-11 04:25:26 PM  
One does not simply "hold farts in".

ecx.images-amazon.comView Full Size
 
2017-09-11 04:32:09 PM  
The farting preacher:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P1hqfC0l5Pg

/it's in the bible
//Joshua N. is going to hell
///and so am I?
 
2017-09-11 04:53:13 PM  

foo monkey: But then what will I do when I stuff my wife's head under the covers?


If you roll over and face her you will both be happier.
 
2017-09-11 06:48:57 PM  

oldfarthenry: NO! That goes against my entire belief system.
Stop crop-dusting the tab with this heresy.


I crop-dusted my son's girlfriend once.

/ just thought you orta know
 
2017-09-11 06:52:42 PM  

real_headhoncho: If i didn't fart or belch, I would explode.


Q. Why do women fart less than men?

A. They won't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.
 
2017-09-11 07:30:55 PM  
When we first started dating my wife had me convinced that she never passed gas. She was so cute and adorable and believable that I bought it hook line and sinker. Now after years of marriage she dutch ovens me with diabolical  efficiency whenever I get on her bad side.
 
2017-09-11 08:57:29 PM  
Had a roommate in college that was a farter. Like several in a row, for bouts of about a 1/2 hour.  Didn't bother me, though.  They didn't smell, and he'd laugh after every one.  The first five or ten were funny.  Then when it got above fifteen or twenty, it was friggin' hilarious.
 
2017-09-11 09:00:15 PM  

OlderGuy: Onionhead: At home:
Let 'em rip!

At work:
Excuse yourself to the restroom.  I don't want to smell what's living in "Uranus."

Hey !  That's what elevators are made for..


Conference rooms are good, too.  Right before a meeting you're not in.
 
2017-09-11 09:17:06 PM  

Billy Liar: OlderGuy: Onionhead: At home:
Let 'em rip!

At work:
Excuse yourself to the restroom.  I don't want to smell what's living in "Uranus."

Hey !  That's what elevators are made for..

Conference rooms are good, too.  Right before a meeting you're not in.


So true...  worked for a hvac company here, had a warehouse meeting with free pizza and soft drinks.. turns out that there was a mild jalapeno sauce on the pizza, and my digestive system reacts quickly to anything spicy..  took 12 minutes (timed it) for the rumbles to begin.. the service manager, who is aware of this, suggested that I be excused, which would have suited me, but the boss declined.. within five minutes, the meeting moved to outsjde and the dispatcher went home.. no open flames, thank god..  everyone but the boss thought it was funny as hell.. the boss ordered the pizza....
 
2017-09-12 05:12:29 AM  

gaslight: I've been a bachelor so long I've lost the ability to hold in farts.


User name checks out.
 
2017-09-12 05:26:59 AM  
img.fark.netView Full Size


"Subby can kiss my royal ass."
 
2017-09-12 12:41:32 PM  
Steve Martin - "mind if I fart?"
Youtube DSMxFp0_U3U
 
2017-09-12 04:02:08 PM  
My first job out of college was sucking farts out of used furniture so I'm getting a kick out of these replies.
 
2017-09-12 06:12:06 PM  

Markoff_Cheney: I never thought it would happen this soon, but I have already reached a point in my life (poor diet, alcohol intake, whatever) where I treat every fart like an emergency.  I have been tricked before, dammit, not gonna happen again.


Nicholson's character in The Bucket List,talking about advanced age (for men):  "Never waste an erection, never pass up a bathroom, and never trust a fart."

/Hmmm
//come to think about it
///that might hold true for women, too.
 
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