Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Kingsport Times News)   Step 1. Recover dropped diamond ring. Step 2. Stash diamond ring in rectum. Step 3. profit. Unplanned step 4. Arrested. Ring returned to owner   ( timesnews.net) divider line
    More: Asinine, Crime, Carters Valley Road, Church Hill man, white crystal substance, Social Security office, nearby Aquatic Center, Kingsport residence, long story  
•       •       •

2957 clicks; posted to Main » on 28 Jun 2017 at 5:20 PM (16 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



42 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2017-06-28 10:15:08 AM  
Hopefully they cleaned it before returning the ring.  *shudders*
 
2017-06-28 10:26:45 AM  
That headline is missing a detail.

I wondered why its a problem for you to "recover" a ring you dropped.

Was it against the law to put your own jewelry up your butt?

Oh...soneone ELSE's jewelry, you don't day.  Literally.
 
2017-06-28 11:15:37 AM  
img.fark.net
 
2017-06-28 04:20:48 PM  

SpaceyCat: Hopefully they cleaned it before returning the ring.  *shudders*


Even if they did, a few hours of soaking it in a bleach bath would be called for.
 
2017-06-28 04:28:49 PM  
Damn near killed 'em
 
2017-06-28 05:24:16 PM  
What what?
 
2017-06-28 05:25:43 PM  
He said the suspect was trying to "remove the stolen diamond ring from his rectum, where he had hidden it after taking it." The suspect was located at a locker with the ring but tried to blame the theft on his acquaintance. He was arrested for theft and booked into the city jail. The ring was returned to its owner.


Cartoon Squeak & Pop Sound FX (With Stuck pic)
Youtube hGTqWUzYIQI
 
2017-06-28 05:26:05 PM  
Smell that ring.
 
2017-06-28 05:26:50 PM  
Who wants to buy this diamond ring?
She took it off her finger, now it doesn't mean a thing
This diamond ring doesn't shine for me anymore
And this diamond ring doesn't mean what it meant before
So if you've got someone whose love is true
Let it shine for you
 
2017-06-28 05:27:33 PM  
I heard it nearly killed him.
 
2017-06-28 05:27:54 PM  
Oh, people are so an....Uptight about these things. Uptight...
 
2017-06-28 05:28:00 PM  
The real criminal is the woman in the blurb just above that one:

While working a traffic stop at Food City on Clinchfield Street, a woman turned away from officers and stuck something down the front of her pants. When questioned, she retrieved the item, digital scales, and police searched her purse. That netted a small bag containing a white crystal substance, initially appearing to be meth. Further investigation revealed it was actually sugar. The female then admitted she was going to pass it off as drugs to make a down payment on a car.

You monster! Hardworking people like me put our trust in meth dealers to supply us with nothing but meth!

You sicken me, madam. And not in the good, methy way.
 
2017-06-28 05:33:17 PM  
Some fun little stories on that site, Kingsport sounds like a fine fine town.
 
2017-06-28 05:37:07 PM  
Criminal 1: It's up in him,
Criminal 2: It's up in me
Don't pay me any attention
Just cried my tears, putting that ring in my rear
Ya can't be mad at me

'Cause if you liked it, then you shouldn't have taken the ring off it
I liked it, grabbed it and then I put a ring up in it.
Don't be mad once you see that I wanted it
'Cause you know I liked it, then I stuck that ring up in it
 
2017-06-28 05:37:11 PM  
note to self: don't take any straws to the courthouse
 
2017-06-28 05:45:09 PM  
Ya, but it started out as a coal ring...
img.fark.net
 
2017-06-28 05:46:53 PM  
Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's going to buy you a mockingbird.

If that mockingbird won't sing,
Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring.

If that diamond ring turns brass gets shoved up an ass
Mama's going to buy you a looking glass.

If that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's going to buy you a billy goat.
...
 
2017-06-28 05:50:32 PM  
Meanwhile...

June 19
A Church Hill man told police that someone had stolen his Harley Davidson from his home, fleeing east on Carters Valley Road. Officers soon spotted the motorcycle in Kingsport and conducted a stop, and the victim responded to the scene. He declined to file charges against the thief - his next door neighbor.

What the hell?
 
2017-06-28 05:56:21 PM  

semiotix: The real criminal is the woman in the blurb just above that one:

While working a traffic stop at Food City on Clinchfield Street, a woman turned away from officers and stuck something down the front of her pants. When questioned, she retrieved the item, digital scales, and police searched her purse. That netted a small bag containing a white crystal substance, initially appearing to be meth. Further investigation revealed it was actually sugar. The female then admitted she was going to pass it off as drugs to make a down payment on a car.

You monster! Hardworking people like me put our trust in meth dealers to supply us with nothing but meth!

You sicken me, madam. And not in the good, methy way.


It's ok, she likely spent at least three months in jail while they waited for the lab results that indicated it was only sugar.
 
AOW
2017-06-28 06:00:19 PM  

edmo: Meanwhile...

June 19
A Church Hill man told police that someone had stolen his Harley Davidson from his home, fleeing east on Carters Valley Road. Officers soon spotted the motorcycle in Kingsport and conducted a stop, and the victim responded to the scene. He declined to file charges against the thief - his next door neighbor.

What the hell?


Victim: hey man not cool

Neighbor: sorry dude, old lady has the car and I came down with major munchies, didnt think ya would mind me borrowing ya bike for a minute

Victim: dude next time ask, k, I thought some asscrack had jacked my wheels

Neighbor: sorry dude but ya know how the munchies are, I'll fill it up on the way back, we square?

Victim: toss in a coupla burritos and we good

Neighbor: no prob man, I will spring for 2 of mama Sanchezs deluxe burritos

Victim: SCORE, hey officer he legit let him go.
 
2017-06-28 06:05:11 PM  
One, just melt that shiat down the best you can.  Two, the story seems to be missing the most important detail explaining how that ring got there. I'm ok not knowing the play by play. I will also not take a guess.
 
2017-06-28 06:05:58 PM  
So, do jewelers have a standard cleaning protocol for "removed from rectum"?
 
2017-06-28 06:06:42 PM  
That blotter is a catalog of stupid.
 
2017-06-28 06:09:41 PM  

AOW: edmo: Meanwhile...

June 19
A Church Hill man told police that someone had stolen his Harley Davidson from his home, fleeing east on Carters Valley Road. Officers soon spotted the motorcycle in Kingsport and conducted a stop, and the victim responded to the scene. He declined to file charges against the thief - his next door neighbor.

What the hell?

Victim: hey man not cool

Neighbor: sorry dude, old lady has the car and I came down with major munchies, didnt think ya would mind me borrowing ya bike for a minute

Victim: dude next time ask, k, I thought some asscrack had jacked my wheels

Neighbor: sorry dude but ya know how the munchies are, I'll fill it up on the way back, we square?

Victim: toss in a coupla burritos and we good

Neighbor: no prob man, I will spring for 2 of mama Sanchezs deluxe burritos

Victim: SCORE, hey officer he legit let him go.


First GIS result for "mama Sanchez":
i.ytimg.com
 
AOW
2017-06-28 06:09:41 PM  

Jeff5: So, do jewelers have a standard cleaning protocol for "removed from rectum"?


With the number of guys that try to pass off zircon rings to their fiancees as real diamonds, cheat on the girl sfter the proposal, etc not only do they have cleaning protocols but they probably co ordinate with local emergency rooms
 
2017-06-28 06:09:46 PM  

edmo: Meanwhile...

June 19
A Church Hill man told police that someone had stolen his Harley Davidson from his home, fleeing east on Carters Valley Road. Officers soon spotted the motorcycle in Kingsport and conducted a stop, and the victim responded to the scene. He declined to file charges against the thief - his next door neighbor.

What the hell?


Yeah, cool story bro, but the ending is kinda shiatty.
 
2017-06-28 06:13:01 PM  

edmo: Meanwhile...

June 19
A Church Hill man told police that someone had stolen his Harley Davidson from his home, fleeing east on Carters Valley Road. Officers soon spotted the motorcycle in Kingsport and conducted a stop, and the victim responded to the scene. He declined to file charges against the thief - his next door neighbor.

What the hell?


Odds are good the cops knew both guys, Kingsport isn't exactly Chicago.
 
AOW
2017-06-28 06:14:36 PM  

Special Guest: AOW: edmo: Meanwhile...

June 19
A Church Hill man told police that someone had stolen his Harley Davidson from his home, fleeing east on Carters Valley Road. Officers soon spotted the motorcycle in Kingsport and conducted a stop, and the victim responded to the scene. He declined to file charges against the thief - his next door neighbor.

What the hell?

Victim: hey man not cool

Neighbor: sorry dude, old lady has the car and I came down with major munchies, didnt think ya would mind me borrowing ya bike for a minute

Victim: dude next time ask, k, I thought some asscrack had jacked my wheels

Neighbor: sorry dude but ya know how the munchies are, I'll fill it up on the way back, we square?

Victim: toss in a coupla burritos and we good

Neighbor: no prob man, I will spring for 2 of mama Sanchezs deluxe burritos

Victim: SCORE, hey officer he legit let him go.

First GIS result for "mama Sanchez":
[i.ytimg.com image 480x360]


Will have to show her that next time I make a taco run, our Mama Sanchez is a lil hole in the wall dive that has been known to give health inspectors aneurysms, but has the best damn food this side the pearly gates
 
2017-06-28 06:15:54 PM  
♪ ♫ And if that diamond ring don't shine
It's 'cause someone stuck it up their behind. ♪ ♫
 
2017-06-28 06:19:41 PM  

edmo: Meanwhile...

June 19
A Church Hill man told police that someone had stolen his Harley Davidson from his home, fleeing east on Carters Valley Road. Officers soon spotted the motorcycle in Kingsport and conducted a stop, and the victim responded to the scene. He declined to file charges against the thief - his next door neighbor.

What the hell?


I used to live in Kingsport

Its a special place
 
2017-06-28 06:21:03 PM  
Yeah, no. That's o.k. you can keep it.
 
2017-06-28 06:33:23 PM  
Was it a chocolate diamond?
 
2017-06-28 06:36:55 PM  

Short Victoria's War: Ya, but it started out as a coal ring...
[img.fark.net image 236x314]


So heat and pressure... Not indiscriminate smashing?
 
2017-06-28 06:37:12 PM  
An engagement ring? The wedding's going to be kinky.

"Do you have the bride's ring?"
"Yeah...wait...oop...hold on...almost there...oh jeez..."
 
2017-06-28 06:39:22 PM  

semiotix: The real criminal is the woman in the blurb just above that one:

While working a traffic stop at Food City on Clinchfield Street, a woman turned away from officers and stuck something down the front of her pants. When questioned, she retrieved the item, digital scales, and police searched her purse. That netted a small bag containing a white crystal substance, initially appearing to be meth. Further investigation revealed it was actually sugar. The female then admitted she was going to pass it off as drugs to make a down payment on a car.

You monster! Hardworking people like me put our trust in meth dealers to supply us with nothing but meth!

You sicken me, madam. And not in the good, methy way.


but seriously, this is why people get shot.
 
2017-06-28 06:41:41 PM  

AOW: edmo: Meanwhile...

June 19
A Church Hill man told police that someone had stolen his Harley Davidson from his home, fleeing east on Carters Valley Road. Officers soon spotted the motorcycle in Kingsport and conducted a stop, and the victim responded to the scene. He declined to file charges against the thief - his next door neighbor.

What the hell?

Victim: hey man not cool

Neighbor: sorry dude, old lady has the car and I came down with major munchies, didnt think ya would mind me borrowing ya bike for a minute

Victim: dude next time ask, k, I thought some asscrack had jacked my wheels

Neighbor: sorry dude but ya know how the munchies are, I'll fill it up on the way back, we square?

Victim: toss in a coupla burritos and we good

Neighbor: no prob man, I will spring for 2 of mama Sanchezs deluxe burritos

Victim: SCORE, hey officer he legit let him go.


Nailed it.

My version was a bit different (borrowed your bike to grab a bag, want some?) But pretty much same concept.
 
2017-06-28 06:48:16 PM  
It's "put a ring on it," not in it.

Sheesh.
 
2017-06-28 06:50:30 PM  

edmo: Meanwhile...

June 19
A Church Hill man told police that someone had stolen his Harley Davidson from his home, fleeing east on Carters Valley Road. Officers soon spotted the motorcycle in Kingsport and conducted a stop, and the victim responded to the scene. He declined to file charges against the thief - his next door neighbor.

What the hell?


Dude, you haven't met my farking next door neighbor.

;-)
 
2017-06-28 07:58:44 PM  
You thought butt pennies were bad...
 
2017-06-28 08:33:49 PM  
Every kiss begins with Kay

Yeah, and every fark ends in a kay, what's your point.

/A kiss on the gentles, is quite sentimental, but diamonds are a girls best friend..
 
2017-06-28 10:29:08 PM  
When did you next see the diamond?

Not until the next day. I'll sort of skip over that part, if you don't mind.

I wish you would.

Right.img.fark.net
 
2017-06-29 11:22:52 AM  
Tastes like a penny now
 
Displayed 42 of 42 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking

On Twitter





Top Commented
Javascript is required to view headlines in widget.
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report