FARK.com: (962750) XXXChurch claims to have originated the "Every time you masturbate... God kills a kitten" cliche. Apparently read Fark

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		XXXChurch claims to have originated the "Every time you masturbate... God kills a kitten" cliche. Apparently read Fark (wired.com)		300
		More: Unlikely

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vegasj		2004-05-20 03:26:12 PM

*cough-cough*

"Killing Kittens
A reference to a photoshopped picture that originally appeared on Fark. It was a picture of Cliche Kitty being chased by two Domo-kuns with the caption "Everytime you masturbate, god kills a kitten." Usually used in reference to boobies links, e.g. "Wow she's hot, I'm going to go kill a few kittens"
Check out the photoshop farkisms below if you don't know what Cliche Kitty or Domo-kun is. "

Lebowski78		2004-05-20 03:26:18 PM

Number one cure for masturbation addicts : get laid

wib		2004-05-20 03:27:04 PM

Oh good gravy, these dorks are conflicted.
The first step to quitting masturbation is joining MA and admitting to yourself and the rest of us, that you have a problem with masturbation.
Consider this post step 1.
thought I would become a disgusting perverted creep. I could never view girls in the same way ever again. They were no longer friends; they were enemies, from which I had to fiercely guard my secret.
Woman hater. What a fcuking pussy.

Snuggle_Bunny		2004-05-20 03:27:05 PM

I though the big deal with Onan was not that he ejaculated on the ground, but that he didn't knock up his dead brother's wife.

You know, "be fruitful" and all that.

There is penance for "polluting oneself in their sleep" (no, not pooping the bed) but it doesn't specifically say "Don't Touch Yourself" anywhere I remember in the Bible.

If anyone can find it, please let me know. I'm curious.

-OH- and I know it doesn't mention women touching themselves... does that make it okay?

Hogulus		2004-05-20 03:27:19 PM

I thought the guy that runs 8-Bit Theatre created it...

assLord		2004-05-20 03:27:35 PM

(I'll quit with the Betty bumper stickers now. Thanks for playing.)

FlyingSolo		2004-05-20 03:28:01 PM

I believe these two kitten-worshippers were featured on the Daily Show a month or two ago. Anyone have the clip?

daringescape		2004-05-20 03:28:02 PM

SpinStopper

First let me preface this by saying that I am a Christian.

1. There are many things the mormon church believes that are not in the Bible - The Bible also states that nothing should be added or taken away from it, that is is the infallable Word of God.

2. The Book of Mormon attempts to add things to the Bible in my opinion.

3. There are way too many other things to get into in a thread discussion.

Just what I believe. That is all.

Son of Thunder		2004-05-20 03:28:28 PM

stappawho		2004-05-20 03:29:02 PM

"They took on Christianity during the 60s and 70s to make it more palatable"

i don't know about this

the big thing with mormons is they believe God, Christ and the holy ghost/spirit to be seperate entities, the whole father, son, holy ghost thing.

most religions believe that they are all the same.

that is the big difference. mormons go by the bible too.

Lebowski78		2004-05-20 03:29:04 PM

"There's something better than porn, and His name is Jesus"

Better than Porn!!! Where can I download it??? ... it better not be gay.

Snarfangel		2004-05-20 03:29:22 PM

What does God do every time I kill a kitten?

assLord		2004-05-20 03:29:24 PM

Matthew 5:27-30

27. You have heard that it was said to the ancients, Thou shalt not commit adultery. 28. But I say to you, That whoever shall look upon a woman to lust after her, hath already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29. And if thy right eye shall be a stumbling block1 to thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is better for thee that one of thy members perish, and that thy whole body be not thrown into hell. 30. And if thy right hand shall be a hindrance to thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is better that one of thy members perish, and that thy whole body be not thrown into hell.

Yawgm8th		2004-05-20 03:30:17 PM

"As difficult as it is, I'm contending not only for myself, but the men that are on this fast with me, to be strong, and beat this addiction. Let's do it guys! We can be holy."

Quadriplegic		2004-05-20 03:30:26 PM

fiver-

The best part about that Daily Show interview was George Takei (Sulu) saying "hot wet biatches?"

Comedy Gold.

These guys are asshats though. How can God condemn a little wank when he didn't punish Job's daughters for sleeping with their father?

sens		2004-05-20 03:30:50 PM

I've actually seen people in here accuse writers, etc of stealing from Fark because they used the term "hilarity ensues."

That's been around forever, and could actually be funny at one time long, long ago, because it was rarely used.

Fark has ruined it.

furrydice		2004-05-20 03:31:57 PM

So they want me to buy their stuff and help fund an indie
film project on the thin pretence they are outraged christians.

Farking viral marketers have spawned a generation who
don't even know why they are scammers, xxxchurch
probably thinks its a satirical site, nope, its
just scammers

OMG VIRAL MARKETING IS SO COOL I MUST GET THE
PAYPAL NOW PLZ WITH MY SATIRE.

Death_Poot		2004-05-20 03:32:28 PM

I'm also a Christian, and this is the stupidest thing I've heard in a long time,

IceHole		2004-05-20 03:33:00 PM

They should have at least listed the porn sites they used to visit.

Would have given me a few leads, and I would know not to access them in 41 days when they crash the servers.

Julio_Outerspaciousness		2004-05-20 03:33:10 PM

We used to talk about kitten killing in 1989!

There was a summer camp joke that had someone sit with their eyes closed, pretend driving a car, accidently running over a cat, taking that injured cat back into the car, and begin stabbing it.
The Joke was that people opened their eyes to the jerking motion!

/I never fell for it, though my friend certainly rubbed one out that summer under the direction of the councelor, after some chick gave him blue balls. Couldn't participate in lfeguard training for four days.

stappawho		2004-05-20 03:33:15 PM

daringescape

i grew up in momon family, i can tell you that way over half of what i hear is wrong.

the actual name is LDS(latter day saints) there is a reorganized LDS church that broke of in the early 1900's(don't remember exactly) that gives the LDS church a bad name. most get them confused.

luckyeddie		2004-05-20 03:34:57 PM

The ministry is based on Matthew 5:27-30, which condemns lust and recommends amputating body parts that cause a believer to sin

There goes Bush's head, then

/flame on, brothers

walkingtall		2004-05-20 03:35:04 PM

stappawho

Mormons go by the Bible only when they can pick and choose a verse here and there to justify what the Book of Mormon adds to the Bible. I almost became a Mormon, for a girl, but being the smart alec person I am I started studying and asking questions and the church leaders would not let me in the church anymore. The history of Mormonism is a very sordid tale that the church leaders are REQUIRED by the church tenets to lie about and deny. It is a very scary thing and I try to make sure that I come in with the proviso that they can believe what they want, this is America, but DO NOT call it Christianity.

Vynny		2004-05-20 03:36:48 PM

Daring

Mormons aren't Christians? Isn't Christ their god? As in CHRISTians?

Are mormons Christians?

Secondly, I AM being *made* to listen. They have banged on my window, on my land and shouted "We'll help you get to heaven through the bible". They send stuff in my mail. They call.

They should fark off.

Ant		2004-05-20 03:37:02 PM

"Rick," a 20-year-old Krispy Kreme employee from Washington, says he has a serious problem: He masturbates.

Why did they make a point of telling us where he works. I live in Washington and you can be damn sure that if I encounter any 20 year old guys named Rick at my local Krispy Kreme, I'm gonna tell him to go wash his farking hands.

FarkLordOfTheSith		2004-05-20 03:37:17 PM

Me: You don't own me, masturbation! I'm taking my life back!

Masturbation: Shut up you wanker and get back to work.

Me: Yes, master. fapfapfapfapfapfap

salty2		2004-05-20 03:37:20 PM

kittens...... DIE!

/sorry

zchamu		2004-05-20 03:38:22 PM

There's something fundamentally ironic about a church lifting a phrase from fark.com and using it as gospel. Isn't one of the ten commandments "thou shalt not steal"?

M22M		2004-05-20 03:39:11 PM

Mormons do not believe in a physical resurrection. That is what separates them from "Christians"

jdave34		2004-05-20 03:39:30 PM

What a monkeytard.

luckyeddie		2004-05-20 03:39:44 PM

W00t. 2 Python threads in one day.

DAD:
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.
I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.
You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,
Because
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
CHILDREN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
GIRL:
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.
CHILDREN:
Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.
MUM:
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.
MEN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
WOMEN:
If a sperm is wasted,...
CHILDREN:
...God get quite irate.
PRIEST:
Every sperm is sacred.
BRIDE and GROOM:
Every sperm is good.
NANNIES:
Every sperm is needed...
CARDINALS:
...In your neighbourhood!
CHILDREN:
Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
FUNERAL CORTEGE:
God needs everybody's.
MOURNER #1:
Mine!
MOURNER #2:
And mine!
CORPSE:
And mine!
NUN:
Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
HOLY STATUES:
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.
EVERYONE:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaaate!

stebain		2004-05-20 03:39:50 PM

Listen up:

The phrase did not originate here, that I am aware of.

The picture with the phrase and cliche kitty did not originate here.

THE PICTURE WITH THE PHRASE, CLICHE KITTY, AND THE DOMO-KUN DID ORIGINATE HERE. It's been said before. GD, I wish I could remember the thread.

Lebowski78		2004-05-20 03:39:51 PM

"Why did they make a point of telling us where he works. I live in Washington and you can be damn sure that if I encounter any 20 year old guys named Rick at my local Krispy Kreme, I'm gonna tell him to go wash his farking hands."

He can keep his Krispy Kreme to himself

Quadriplegic		2004-05-20 03:40:00 PM

Walkingtall

Christians go by the Old Testament only when they can pick and choose a verse here and there to justify what the New Testament adds to the Bible. I almost became a Christian, but being the smart alec person I am I started studying and asking questions and the church leaders would not let me in the church anymore. The history of Christianity is a very sordid tale that the church leaders are REQUIRED by the church tenets to lie about and deny. It is a very scary thing and I try to make sure that I come in with the proviso that they can believe what they want, this is America, but DO NOT call it sane or rational.

/sarcasm

allanhowls		2004-05-20 03:40:00 PM

walkingtall
...but DO NOT call it Christianity.

I dunno, everything you said sounds like Christianity, or any other religion, for that matter.

Pick and choose your scripture to suit your needs, don't ask questions, deny sordid details of church history...

Check, check, and check.
<First stone right here...who wants it?>

M22M		2004-05-20 03:40:56 PM

AndoCommando		2004-05-20 03:41:30 PM

so at what point is it considered an addiction??

SpinStopper		2004-05-20 03:41:45 PM

walkingtall, daringescape, et al -

On the subject of Mormons. First, I'm not one, but was raised one. I left. Just wanted to point that out.

They didn't "add" Christ in the 60's. Ever notice that the real name of the church is "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints"? It was named that from the beginning. The term "Mormon" is slang for LDS.

Mormons believe that Christ is the Son of God, and our personal savior, yadda yadda yadda. There are variances on just what constitues the Holy Trinity in other Christian religions. Singling out the Mormons on a technicality (three in one or three is three) is kinda weird because they aren't the only Christian faith to believe that.

As for the Bible being the perfect word of God and should not be added to, tell me what exact religion you believe in and which version (he he) of the Bible you use, and I'll bet you $1000 I can find something that your religion does that is either contrary to your perfect word of God, or isn't in there at all.

Go pick on the Catholics. They live for that shiat :)

stappawho		2004-05-20 03:41:46 PM

"The history of Mormonism is a very sordid tale that the church leaders are REQUIRED by the church tenets to lie about and deny"

again, not true

why would the not let you in?
i know plenty of converts. i do know a few people who were in your situation(for a girl), some stuck with it, some backed out. never have i heard a comments from them like yours.

i have never understood how mormons are looked upon as some sort of evil cult.

that is all i have to say about that

Son of Thunder		2004-05-20 03:41:53 PM

People, let's not let this become an argument about Mormons. We can have plenty of fun with this article without getting into a pissing contest over whose definition of "Christian" is the correct one.

...here it comes...

...have to say it...

Don't be a hater, be a masturbater.

/sorry

Imeant2dothat		2004-05-20 03:42:51 PM

AndoCommando
I'd say that question has the makings of a very entertaining survey thread.

Lord_Marquis		2004-05-20 03:44:20 PM

I did the 40 days thing, and i gotta tell you, the load you blow all across the underage hooker's

on the 41st day is unbelieveable.

Colonel Bat Guano		2004-05-20 03:44:47 PM

Calm down everyone! maybe I can help. Focus on this picture of Estelle Getty.

Now imagine her naked, and wantin it doggy style.....

\saving kittens everyday!!

Aldo the Wonder Dog		2004-05-20 03:45:44 PM

Was a time when AA, NA, Co-dependents Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous - even Overeaters Anonymous - all had solid reps as great places to pick up chicks.

Without that incentive to attend, those MA meetings must comprise serious hard core wankers.

However, I would shudder at the thought of being a 9th step recipient and having some wanker call up and confess they were sorry about how their jerking off affected my life...

"Hey Aldo, I'm calling you to help with my recovery. Remember back in college when we were roomies and you used to complain about me spilling mayo that crusted up the couch upholstery... well, I have to apologize for that... here's what really happened..."

Ewwwwwwwww!

I-Mockery		2004-05-20 03:45:55 PM

ACTUALLY, from what I remember, it originated as an independent sticker on Sticker Guy's web site... long before the phrase appeared on Fark or any other site. I had a pic of the original sticker on my site for a while after it was first released.

Here's the sticker:
http://www.stickerguy.com/stikweek/index.html

Just scroll down and you'll find the link to it. That's from back in 2001.

/sleuth

waitaminute...		2004-05-20 03:46:41 PM

And when you're willing to use that picture of Estelle Getty to fap, that's when it's an addiction.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go clean up. My co-workers are staring.

Pablo_Roo		2004-05-20 03:47:00 PM

I, for one, intend to start an email campaign demanding people have an Eat-out at Krispy Kreme (like the gasoline thing) on the 41st day of this masturbations holdout.

It is for your own good people!

Betenoreus		2004-05-20 03:47:29 PM

this is my new e-mail signature:

"Remain calm and tell yourself, 'You don't own me, masturbation! I'm taking my life back!' (or something of that nature). If that doesn't work, you can pursue alternatives like chewing gum, blasting John Lennon's song 'Cold Turkey,' eating chocolate or whatever helps you best (not masturbation)."

Yellow Number Five		2004-05-20 03:47:55 PM

[I'll bet you $1000 I can find something that your religion does that is either contrary to your perfect word of God, or isn't in there at all]

I'm an atheist, I'll take that bet.

safeinsane		2004-05-20 03:48:37 PM

"Rick," a 20-year-old Krispy Kreme employee from Washington, says he has a serious problem: He masturbates.

1. As long as it ain't in the doughnuts.
2. Doesn't everybody?

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