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(AZ Family)   The Avondale, Arizona Police Department just swore in a bearded dragon as their newest cop   ( azfamily.com) divider line
    More: Strange, Avondale P.D., GEICO, Olfaction, Facebook, Beard, Police, Reptile, Gecko  
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2911 clicks; posted to Main » on 15 Apr 2017 at 12:46 AM (31 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



33 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2017-04-14 10:23:55 PM  
That's a big improvement from the pigs they usually hire.
 
2017-04-14 10:52:34 PM  
Could have been worse.
 
2017-04-14 10:59:25 PM  
Really? You gonna bash on this guy? Wait til he starts whipping that tail around. You'll wish you hadn't.

img.fark.netView Full Size


/love bearded dragons
 
2017-04-14 11:00:14 PM  
VROOM!

img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-04-15 12:47:05 AM  

johnsoninca: That's a big improvement from the pigs they usually hire.


I'm surprised it wasn't a Grand Dragon.
 
2017-04-15 12:49:38 AM  
That is NOT a vagina with a badge.
 
2017-04-15 12:53:21 AM  
How long before it gets accused of unnecessary violence.
 
2017-04-15 01:00:31 AM  
Use iguanas. We had a cute little one that turned into a four foot carnivorous beast. Attempted to remove my right ear once, then removed a watch-sized chunk of wrist from my gf.  Smedley got lucky in that he was donated to the berkeley vivarium. As opposed to being beheaded and served up as an entree with a coupla extra  checkbook covers.  That ended the exotic reptile keeping phase of our lives...
 
2017-04-15 01:05:54 AM  
Years ago Avondale was little more than a giant midden where all the Phoenix area ranchers trucked their manure for curing.  I doubt that much of that has changed.
 
TWX
2017-04-15 01:14:39 AM  

smunns: How long before it gets accused of unnecessary violence.


It's working for Avondale, not the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office or Chandler...
 
2017-04-15 01:27:07 AM  
Give that lizard a tazer. He can't fark it up any more than the human police
 
2017-04-15 01:29:18 AM  
Curing manure? Endangered feces?
 
2017-04-15 01:37:05 AM  
What has...a very cool tail, a good-looking beard and spectacular climbing skills?

sir edna hillary?
 
2017-04-15 01:42:25 AM  

crinz83: What has...a very cool tail, a good-looking beard and spectacular climbing skills?

sir edna hillary?


nationalgeographic.comView Full Size
 
2017-04-15 01:53:43 AM  
Hiram McDaniels unavailable for comment.
 
2017-04-15 02:05:05 AM  

skiinstructor: Use iguanas. We had a cute little one that turned into a four foot carnivorous beast. Attempted to remove my right ear once, then removed a watch-sized chunk of wrist from my gf.  Smedley got lucky in that he was donated to the berkeley vivarium. As opposed to being beheaded and served up as an entree with a coupla extra  checkbook covers.  That ended the exotic reptile keeping phase of our lives...


Bearded dragons actually acclimate to people way, way better than iguana and stay at a manageable size. They're universally the animal I'd recommend to people who want a "pet" that's a reptile. I'd recommend fancy curlytails to people who want a low maintenance "display" animal.

You sucked at raising it. I don't mean that as a personal insult, not everyone is cut out to own reptiles, but it's a fact. They're about as close to a perfect pet as you'll find in reptilians.

Beardies are the easiest to handle reptile that reaches a size that they can do damage to humans by a long shot. They don't take a lot of time to raise properly but they do have a sharp set of teeth. If you can predict lizard movement... they're actually slow animals and not easily pissed off compared to most reptiles in their size range. Don't get me wrong, they can do damage to a human from about 6" up, but even a full grown one can only inflict superficial wounds and they can actually be trained to "like" humans which is unique to only a few larger lizards.

I'm "the animal guy" for my friends and immediate family. Bearded dragon are usually just mishandled and they can't do serious damage to a human even at full size. I can manage a full sized one with an ill temper with one arm. I have, more than once.

A twelve foot green iguana with a temper on the other hand... they're a force to be reckoned with. Their tail can bruise you, their mouth can severely damage fingers, and their claws will tear open any exposed skin or skin under thin clothing. I used an old BDU coat to handle them, they're herbivores past about 24" and you can catch the mouth with thick clothing and roll into it to force the jaw open and control them from there. Iguana at that size are usually acclimated to humans though, just their humans approach them wrong. I'll admit I've never met a mean one. They're just either wild or tamed. Not tamed... what the fark were you doing letting a 12' lizard roam your home?

Water dragons look similar to iguana and were just the worst. They're ill tempered and combine strong predatory jaws with a tail that will fark you up if they're over two feet. They do acclimate to humans well, I've seen them play with toddlers and kittens, but they require even more handling than iguana to tame and aren't a good option for anyone who has to leave the home for more than an hour on a regular basis. Good pets, when treated properly. Also, don't feed their prey drive, give them thawed pinkies rather than live ones once they reach that size.

The worst were farking monitors by far. Even knowing what you were doing they're a complete bastards. Niles were a fad around my area for a bit, and guess which asshole would get called to wrangle them? I actually shot a full grown one at one point. Trying to control it(sans equipment) in a household where there were two children, a small dog, and a small woman(a friend's wife kids and dogs, his Nile had escaped containment and already killed their cat when I got called) I got mauled twice, admittedly lost my temper, and shot it twice in the head with a small caliber pistol. I still have scars from that five years later. I don't feel an ounce of guilt about it, they're a dangerous animal.

Full grown a Nile monitor is basically a four to five foot long razor blade with a bad temper. They're harder to control than a crocodile or alligator, they're insanely fast, and their whole body can cut you open. All monitors are basically psychotic razor blades, although I've known a few keepers who could handle full grown ones. Frankly, the entire thing makes me nervous, I can tackle one under 36" without worrying much but... bigger than that I'm likely to ask if you just want me to kill it quietly.

For completeness:

Snakes are universally easy to deal with. Sometimes you have to feed them first, but they're cake to deal with. I did take some wounds from an emerald tree boa, not realizing what it's natural prey was, but I set up barriers and retreated for a bit to do some research and realized my mistake(they eat birds and hit as fast as a rattler) and controlled it. Let it hit a decoy and grabbed it behind the neck, most boa are pretty slow and I wasn't expecting the hits.

Poisonous snakes are a no-go. I do not capture in those instances. I make that clear, if I show up I will find and kill it, but I do not capture and wrangle venomous snakes. I have never been hit by one and never intend to be. I live in an area where rattlers are endemic. I kill them on sight(albeit I also skin and eat them), I do not fark around with venemous snakes.

Crocodilians are a pain, but it's mostly a matter of brute force and being able to zip tie their mouths. I used to do it by hand under 4' or so but I got hit by a dwarf caiman once and basically SOP is: find, tackle, get their mouth closed and zip tie the mouth.

Frogs are my favorites to deal with. You have to find where they're hiding and tease them out, I usually use wounded crickets and make sure to wear latex gloves. They're really display animals, and the owners are always apologetic. It was either a flaw in the housing or them being stupid that gets them loose.

Mammals are more complicated and depend on species. Suffice to say, if you keep a raccoon, I wish you luck when it becomes sexually mature but I'll help however I can with anything that size or smaller.
 
2017-04-15 02:07:04 AM  

backhand.slap.of.reason: Years ago Avondale was little more than a giant midden where all the Phoenix area ranchers trucked their manure for curing.  I doubt that much of that has changed.


Hey now, don't forget about the NASCAR track!

Actually, it's gone from heap of dirt to the edge of the outer-ring suburbs to being sucked right into the urban Phoenix black hole. I'm surprised the speedway hasn't been turned into housing tracts yet.
 
2017-04-15 02:16:07 AM  

JonnyBlack: Full grown a Nile monitor is basically a four to five foot long razor blade with a bad temper. They're harder to control than a crocodile or alligator, they're insanely fast, and their whole body can cut you open. All monitors are basically psychotic razor blades, although I've known a few keepers who could handle full grown ones. Frankly, the entire thing makes me nervous, I can tackle one under 36" without worrying much but... bigger than that I'm likely to ask if you just want me to kill it quietly.


A pet store a few blocks away has a Joanna for sale. I asked if I could hold it, the keeper said it depended on if it was having a good day, reached in, and first thing that farker does is rip off a chunk of sleeve. NOPE.

/20 years later, I finally found out that the lizard's name in Adventurers Down Under was a bit of a pun.
//Not the quickest of cats.
 
2017-04-15 02:22:03 AM  
The sun gets to you sometimes.

/Tucson
 
2017-04-15 02:46:22 AM  

foxyshadis: JonnyBlack: Full grown a Nile monitor is basically a four to five foot long razor blade with a bad temper. They're harder to control than a crocodile or alligator, they're insanely fast, and their whole body can cut you open. All monitors are basically psychotic razor blades, although I've known a few keepers who could handle full grown ones. Frankly, the entire thing makes me nervous, I can tackle one under 36" without worrying much but... bigger than that I'm likely to ask if you just want me to kill it quietly.

A pet store a few blocks away has a Joanna for sale. I asked if I could hold it, the keeper said it depended on if it was having a good day, reached in, and first thing that farker does is rip off a chunk of sleeve. NOPE.

/20 years later, I finally found out that the lizard's name in Adventurers Down Under was a bit of a pun.
//Not the quickest of cats.


I despise monitors. I really do, I'm an animal lover, but I'd as soon shoot one as get close to it. They're only a half-step above rattlers as far as I'm concerned.

Savannah and Joanna can be moderately tamed, in my experience, but I'd never keep one. Or live with someone who kept one without wearing a sidearm at all times and the understanding I might shoot the damn thing if it's kept loose. There's a little blue one that's showed up in the exotic pet trade recently that seems to be mostly alright, think it's out of New Guinea. It's cute... but it also is only 18" at max. Still wouldn't own one, as far as display animals go I like curlytails, dart frogs, and fish(actually an expert there, not just an asshole who had to deal with them).

It's like keeping a large bird, it's just foreign how you have to act with them to most people and you get hurt a couple of times learning to how to communicate properly. I'm pretty good with animal body language, and I still make mistakes on occasion. With a reticulated python or a big Macaw it just hurts and might require a bit of superglue and rubbing alcohol, but you make the wrong move with some animals and you die.
 
2017-04-15 02:46:24 AM  
I bet it'll do a better job than Ex Sheriff Nickle Bag Joe. BTW They're shutting down Tent City. Good riddance.
 
2017-04-15 03:59:43 AM  
Forget it, Jake. It's Avondale.
 
2017-04-15 04:01:10 AM  
foreign reptiles putting hard working american canines out of their jobs
 
2017-04-15 04:47:23 AM  
If Ed Grimley and Debbie Downer had a child together:

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2017-04-15 06:49:17 AM  
I prefer Bangor's duck of justice. nothing will get bitten off and Bangor's police facebook page is farking hilarious.
 
2017-04-15 07:01:31 AM  
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2017-04-15 08:17:01 AM  
For a second, I thought this was the tagline for a new Steven Seagal movie.
 
2017-04-15 08:23:55 AM  
Everything bad happens in the Avenues.

/Phoenix Metro
 
2017-04-15 09:47:29 AM  
A bearded dragon for a bunch of bearded clams.
 
2017-04-15 10:55:06 AM  
We ended up with a bearded dragon from some family that was pcs'ing and couldn't take him. Poor guy was about 2 and had never been handled, and his tank had never been cleaned. He was such an angry guy. We had a dead tree in our backyard that he liked to sit in, and one day I walked inside for a soda and in the 30 seconds I was inside a farking hawk picked him up! Poor Squishy is gone right? Nope, the hawk dropped him somewhere on base, and a neighbor gave him to maintenance and they put the word out on the FB pages, we got him back. He was even angrier after that. Finally we had to give him to a guy that had way more experience and a few other beardies. Last I heard he adjusted to his better life and is a chill dude.
 
2017-04-15 11:17:25 AM  

radarlove: Hiram


1/5 of him, anyway.
 
2017-04-15 06:45:13 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-04-16 02:22:23 AM  
Iroh is a bearded dragon who has been promoted from department mascot to full-fledged cop.
So what's the lizard's annual salary now?

Avondale P.D. first introduced Iroh to us in an announcement last April about the department's new drug-sniffing bearded dragon.
"Research has shown that reptiles possess a strong sense of smell making their ability to detect certain illicit drugs possibly more accurate than K9s,

Bwa ha ha ha ha!  What a load of crap!
How do I know?
Meet Spike:
img.fark.netView Full Size

2 years-old, 20" long and totally incapable of alerting me to the presence of illicit drugs.
 
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