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(Bloomberg)   Ten most hilarious thumbs-way-down restaurant reviews of the past decade. Guy Fieri is there, natch. And so is Donald Trump   ( bloomberg.com) divider line
    More: Amusing, Notable Dish, Best Line, Restaurant, New York, Donald Trump, best worst restaurant, New York Times, bad restaurant  
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4179 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 15 Apr 2017 at 7:39 AM (31 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



54 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


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2017-04-15 06:05:45 AM  
L'ami Lous? Jaysus, Bloomberg. Hire a farking editor.
 
2017-04-15 09:04:41 AM  
Love him or hate him, I have to call foul on the review of Trump's dump.

That review (the actual review, not the blurb) was dripping with liberal hate. More a venomous screed penned by some far left denizen of the upper west side than a review of a restaurant.

/And written a few weeks after the election was just a coincidence I'm sure.
 
2017-04-15 09:29:39 AM  
I find everything Montana's Trail House stands for distasteful, but the food is good.
 
2017-04-15 09:31:32 AM  

Basily Gourt: Love him or hate him, I have to call foul on the review of Trump's dump.

That review (the actual review, not the blurb) was dripping with liberal hate. More a venomous screed penned by some far left denizen of the upper west side than a review of a restaurant.

/And written a few weeks after the election was just a coincidence I'm sure.


But it's all true, though.
 
2017-04-15 09:42:39 AM  
Fark forgive me but that taco bowl looks delicious.

:(
 
2017-04-15 09:43:11 AM  
RIP AA Gill. One of the all-time best.
 
2017-04-15 09:46:53 AM  

Far Cough: Fark forgive me but that taco bowl looks delicious.

:(


It looks like middle school cafeteria food.
 
2017-04-15 09:47:36 AM  

thamike: Far Cough: Fark forgive me but that taco bowl looks delicious.

:(

It looks like middle school cafeteria food.


You say that as if it's a bad thing.
 
2017-04-15 09:49:26 AM  
I've never been, but growing up in the NY burbs anyone who ever dined at Tavern On The Green said "the food sucks."  It's a tourist trap.
 
2017-04-15 09:49:32 AM  

Far Cough: thamike: Far Cough: Fark forgive me but that taco bowl looks delicious.

:(

It looks like middle school cafeteria food.

You say that as if it's a bad thing.


No, it actually went well with all the sexual tension and violence.
 
2017-04-15 09:53:41 AM  

thamike: Far Cough: thamike: Far Cough: Fark forgive me but that taco bowl looks delicious.

:(

It looks like middle school cafeteria food.

You say that as if it's a bad thing.

No, it actually went well with all the sexual tension and violence.


True, true.
 
2017-04-15 09:57:32 AM  
"I got so many letters calling me elitist, although Olive Garden is actually more expensive than good Italian restaurants."

Exactly. You don't have to pay $100/plate to get great food. Many "hole in the wall" restaurants are awesome so calling out a chain restaurant for serving bland crap isn't elitist; It's a simple fact. I travel a lot for work and eat out about four or five times per week and 99% of the time independent restaurants are better and cheaper than places like Olive Garden.
 
2017-04-15 10:08:01 AM  

Tyrosine: Exactly. You don't have to pay $100/plate to get great food. Many "hole in the wall" restaurants are awesome so calling out a chain restaurant for serving bland crap isn't elitist; It's a simple fact. I travel a lot for work and eat out about four or five times per week and 99% of the time independent restaurants are better and cheaper than places like Olive Garden.


Thankfully, the explosion of cooking shows on the Food Network and HGTV has shown regular folks that good food isn't *that* hard to cook, so long as you have decent ingredients and don't fark them up. Anthony Bourdain was in Melbourne a while ago interviewing chefs. When he asked one what was responsible for the recent uptick in good restaurants, he answered, "the Food Network."
 
2017-04-15 10:11:47 AM  

FlashHarry: Tyrosine: Exactly. You don't have to pay $100/plate to get great food. Many "hole in the wall" restaurants are awesome so calling out a chain restaurant for serving bland crap isn't elitist; It's a simple fact. I travel a lot for work and eat out about four or five times per week and 99% of the time independent restaurants are better and cheaper than places like Olive Garden.

Thankfully, the explosion of cooking shows on the Food Network and HGTV has shown regular folks that good food isn't *that* hard to cook, so long as you have decent ingredients and don't fark them up. Anthony Bourdain was in Melbourne a while ago interviewing chefs. When he asked one what was responsible for the recent uptick in good restaurants, he answered, "the Food Network."


Well, Food Network prior to 2012 or so.  If they're inspired by today's crappy version then the restaurants* would consist of chefs battling each other with comical oversized egg beaters and getting judged by British people.

*autocorrect tried to make that word "retardants"
 
zez
2017-04-15 10:12:00 AM  
I've never heard of Montana's Trail House but why does he keep calling it Appalachian food if the name is Montana? Or is that just a result of people from New York not knowing where anything is in the rest of the country?
 
2017-04-15 10:27:49 AM  

zez: I've never heard of Montana's Trail House but why does he keep calling it Appalachian food if the name is Montana? Or is that just a result of people from New York not knowing where anything is in the rest of the country?


Trying to explain that I'm from Minnesota (whether to a cab driver or university student) required a remedial geography course. Life doesn't exist outside the city, obviously!
 
2017-04-15 10:31:39 AM  

Far Cough: Fark forgive me but that taco bowl looks delicious.

:(


It looks like the chef tried to make that Taco Bell disaster into something that wasn't. They should have just gone with carne asada fries, which at least has the distinction of being So Cal stoner food, and not something that Taco Bell's marketing department threw up onto the world.
 
2017-04-15 10:36:18 AM  

Basily Gourt: Love him or hate him, I have to call foul on the review of Trump's dump.

That review (the actual review, not the blurb) was dripping with liberal hate. More a venomous screed penned by some far left denizen of the upper west side than a review of a restaurant.

/And written a few weeks after the election was just a coincidence I'm sure.


Dude, it's a restaurant that serves taco bowls, and bares the name of a guy who eats pizza with a knife and fork, and likes his steaks well done and covered in ketchup. It is literally impossible for it to be any good.
 
2017-04-15 10:48:20 AM  

LectertheChef: Basily Gourt: Love him or hate him, I have to call foul on the review of Trump's dump.

That review (the actual review, not the blurb) was dripping with liberal hate. More a venomous screed penned by some far left denizen of the upper west side than a review of a restaurant.

/And written a few weeks after the election was just a coincidence I'm sure.

Dude, it's a restaurant that serves taco bowls, and bares the name of a guy who eats pizza with a knife and fork, and likes his steaks well done and covered in ketchup. It is literally impossible for it to be any good.


Not arguing with the review, just the white hot hatred for the owner of the restaurant. That doesn't belong there. The author loses any credibility she might have had, and makes me wonder if that rag has an editor who understands what an editor's job is.

/Oh wait, it's Vanity Fair. Never mind. They have no credibility to lose. Carry on.
 
2017-04-15 10:58:06 AM  

Basily Gourt: Not arguing with the review, just the white hot hatred for the owner of the restaurant. That doesn't belong there. The author loses any credibility she might have had, and makes me wonder if that rag has an editor who understands what an editor's job is.

/Oh wait, it's Vanity Fair. Never mind. They have no credibility to lose. Carry on.


The reviewer is a political writer, making fun of Trump's awful restaurant.  Trump and his restaurant have earned derision. Sounds like everybody involved is performing accordingly.
 
2017-04-15 11:11:18 AM  
Does Trump's place have a golden shower on the dessert menu?
 
2017-04-15 11:15:47 AM  
What kind of moron goes out for fine dining and orders mac & cheese? I am not going to trust that person's taste buds at ALL.
 
2017-04-15 11:34:22 AM  
"You rarely see blondness this improbable, cosmetology this transparent, wealth this flamboyantly misspent," he concluded.

See also: Newport Beach, CA.
 
2017-04-15 11:44:04 AM  
After my honeymoon, I remember the last line of my customer satisfaction survey that I gave to the hotel.

"...and the next time I want fish like that, I shall throw a box of Mrs Paul's on a tire fire."
 
2017-04-15 11:45:33 AM  

vudukungfu: After my honeymoon, I remember the last line of my customer satisfaction survey that I gave to the hotel.

"...and the next time I want fish like that, I shall throw a box of Mrs Paul's on a tire fire."


Coulda just had her take a bath, really..
/bygones
 
2017-04-15 11:45:56 AM  

Dragonflew: What kind of moron goes out for fine dining and orders mac & cheese? I am not going to trust that person's taste buds at ALL.


It's far removed from blue box Kraft. It's usually doctored up with fancy cheeses, lobster meat, pork belly, and such. It can be rather good, but it's meh more often than not.
 
2017-04-15 12:00:19 PM  

Far Cough: vudukungfu: After my honeymoon, I remember the last line of my customer satisfaction survey that I gave to the hotel.

"...and the next time I want fish like that, I shall throw a box of Mrs Paul's on a tire fire."

Coulda just had her take a bath, really..
/bygones


Ahhhhhhhhhh?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!?!
 
2017-04-15 12:04:42 PM  

Count_Crackula: Dragonflew: What kind of moron goes out for fine dining and orders mac & cheese? I am not going to trust that person's taste buds at ALL.

It's far removed from blue box Kraft. It's usually doctored up with fancy cheeses, lobster meat, pork belly, and such. It can be rather good, but it's meh more often than not.


I prefer the Kroger brand Deluxe Mac & Cheese. It's the exact same thing, only cheaper. Throw in a can of their no bean chili, some Bar S hot dogs, chopped onions, oregano, garlic, chili powder, and black pepper. That there is some cheap, tasty slop.
 
2017-04-15 12:07:07 PM  

Basily Gourt: LectertheChef: Basily Gourt: Love him or hate him, I have to call foul on the review of Trump's dump.

That review (the actual review, not the blurb) was dripping with liberal hate. More a venomous screed penned by some far left denizen of the upper west side than a review of a restaurant.

/And written a few weeks after the election was just a coincidence I'm sure.

Dude, it's a restaurant that serves taco bowls, and bares the name of a guy who eats pizza with a knife and fork, and likes his steaks well done and covered in ketchup. It is literally impossible for it to be any good.

Not arguing with the review, just the white hot hatred for the owner of the restaurant. That doesn't belong there. The author loses any credibility she might have had, and makes me wonder if that rag has an editor who understands what an editor's job is.

/Oh wait, it's Vanity Fair. Never mind. They have no credibility to lose. Carry on.


We are a nation that has Donald Trump as President, at this point, our entire country has lost all credibility, why should Vanity Fair be any different?
 
2017-04-15 12:13:54 PM  

LectertheChef: Count_Crackula: Dragonflew: What kind of moron goes out for fine dining and orders mac & cheese? I am not going to trust that person's taste buds at ALL.

It's far removed from blue box Kraft. It's usually doctored up with fancy cheeses, lobster meat, pork belly, and such. It can be rather good, but it's meh more often than not.

I prefer the Kroger brand Deluxe Mac & Cheese. It's the exact same thing, only cheaper. Throw in a can of their no bean chili, some Bar S hot dogs, chopped onions, oregano, garlic, chili powder, and black pepper. That there is some cheap, tasty slop.


We usually cook up kielbasa with our mac & cheese for our daughters when my wife and I have date night. The leftovers would technically be a guilty lunchtime pleasure the next day, but I haven't felt guilty about it once.
 
2017-04-15 12:13:56 PM  

Dragonflew: What kind of moron goes out for fine dining and orders mac & cheese? I am not going to trust that person's taste buds at ALL.


I mean...depends on the cheeses they use.  It could be gooey, cheesy heaven.
 
2017-04-15 12:15:19 PM  

Count_Crackula: LectertheChef: Count_Crackula: Dragonflew: What kind of moron goes out for fine dining and orders mac & cheese? I am not going to trust that person's taste buds at ALL.

It's far removed from blue box Kraft. It's usually doctored up with fancy cheeses, lobster meat, pork belly, and such. It can be rather good, but it's meh more often than not.

I prefer the Kroger brand Deluxe Mac & Cheese. It's the exact same thing, only cheaper. Throw in a can of their no bean chili, some Bar S hot dogs, chopped onions, oregano, garlic, chili powder, and black pepper. That there is some cheap, tasty slop.

We usually cook up kielbasa with our mac & cheese for our daughters when my wife and I have date night. The leftovers would technically be a guilty lunchtime pleasure the next day, but I haven't felt guilty about it once.


Yoink.  Got a new dish in the rotation!

Thanks!
 
2017-04-15 12:17:13 PM  

born_yesterday: Count_Crackula: LectertheChef: Count_Crackula: Dragonflew: What kind of moron goes out for fine dining and orders mac & cheese? I am not going to trust that person's taste buds at ALL.

It's far removed from blue box Kraft. It's usually doctored up with fancy cheeses, lobster meat, pork belly, and such. It can be rather good, but it's meh more often than not.

I prefer the Kroger brand Deluxe Mac & Cheese. It's the exact same thing, only cheaper. Throw in a can of their no bean chili, some Bar S hot dogs, chopped onions, oregano, garlic, chili powder, and black pepper. That there is some cheap, tasty slop.

We usually cook up kielbasa with our mac & cheese for our daughters when my wife and I have date night. The leftovers would technically be a guilty lunchtime pleasure the next day, but I haven't felt guilty about it once.

Yoink.  Got a new dish in the rotation!

Thanks!


Please enjoy!
 
2017-04-15 12:24:12 PM  

zez: I've never heard of Montana's Trail House but why does he keep calling it Appalachian food if the name is Montana? Or is that just a result of people from New York not knowing where anything is in the rest of the country?


The owner's name is Montana Masback. Nothing to do with the state.
 
2017-04-15 12:29:20 PM  

Count_Crackula: LectertheChef: Count_Crackula: Dragonflew: What kind of moron goes out for fine dining and orders mac & cheese? I am not going to trust that person's taste buds at ALL.

It's far removed from blue box Kraft. It's usually doctored up with fancy cheeses, lobster meat, pork belly, and such. It can be rather good, but it's meh more often than not.

I prefer the Kroger brand Deluxe Mac & Cheese. It's the exact same thing, only cheaper. Throw in a can of their no bean chili, some Bar S hot dogs, chopped onions, oregano, garlic, chili powder, and black pepper. That there is some cheap, tasty slop.

We usually cook up kielbasa with our mac & cheese for our daughters when my wife and I have date night. The leftovers would technically be a guilty lunchtime pleasure the next day, but I haven't felt guilty about it once.


Working in a slab of cream cheese is good (use real butter as well), and add some Cholula if you want a good bite to it.
 
2017-04-15 12:31:08 PM  

feanorn: Count_Crackula: LectertheChef: Count_Crackula: Dragonflew: What kind of moron goes out for fine dining and orders mac & cheese? I am not going to trust that person's taste buds at ALL.

It's far removed from blue box Kraft. It's usually doctored up with fancy cheeses, lobster meat, pork belly, and such. It can be rather good, but it's meh more often than not.

I prefer the Kroger brand Deluxe Mac & Cheese. It's the exact same thing, only cheaper. Throw in a can of their no bean chili, some Bar S hot dogs, chopped onions, oregano, garlic, chili powder, and black pepper. That there is some cheap, tasty slop.

We usually cook up kielbasa with our mac & cheese for our daughters when my wife and I have date night. The leftovers would technically be a guilty lunchtime pleasure the next day, but I haven't felt guilty about it once.

Working in a slab of cream cheese is good (use real butter as well), and add some Cholula if you want a good bite to it.


I'm so stealing that.
 
2017-04-15 01:19:37 PM  

Basily Gourt: Love him or hate him, I have to call foul on the review of Trump's dump.

That review (the actual review, not the blurb) was dripping with liberal hate. More a venomous screed penned by some far left denizen of the upper west side than a review of a restaurant.

/And written a few weeks after the election was just a coincidence I'm sure.


Like you've eaten there, comrade.

/rolls eyeballs
 
2017-04-15 02:08:53 PM  
No mention of Guy Fieri is complete without a fond recollection of this (click to enlarge):

img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2017-04-15 02:38:23 PM  
AA Gill was an insufferable prick most of the time, but that review is a gem.
 
2017-04-15 04:07:14 PM  
Bonus points:  The Olive Garden's "McTuscan architecture".
 
2017-04-15 05:02:22 PM  

Count_Crackula: feanorn: Count_Crackula: LectertheChef: Count_Crackula: Dragonflew: What kind of moron goes out for fine dining and orders mac & cheese? I am not going to trust that person's taste buds at ALL.

It's far removed from blue box Kraft. It's usually doctored up with fancy cheeses, lobster meat, pork belly, and such. It can be rather good, but it's meh more often than not.

I prefer the Kroger brand Deluxe Mac & Cheese. It's the exact same thing, only cheaper. Throw in a can of their no bean chili, some Bar S hot dogs, chopped onions, oregano, garlic, chili powder, and black pepper. That there is some cheap, tasty slop.

We usually cook up kielbasa with our mac & cheese for our daughters when my wife and I have date night. The leftovers would technically be a guilty lunchtime pleasure the next day, but I haven't felt guilty about it once.

Working in a slab of cream cheese is good (use real butter as well), and add some Cholula if you want a good bite to it.

I'm so stealing that.


Use avocado instead of butter or cream cheese.   Throw in some cilantro.
 
2017-04-15 05:04:52 PM  

SloppyFrenchKisser: Does Trump's place have a golden shower on the dessert menu?


No, but there is probably some douche whining about the stroganoff and Russian dressing
 
2017-04-15 06:44:09 PM  

Tyrosine: Exactly. You don't have to pay $100/plate to get great food. Many "hole in the wall" restaurants are awesome so calling out a chain restaurant for serving bland crap isn't elitist; It's a simple fact. I travel a lot for work and eat out about four or five times per week and 99% of the time independent restaurants are better and cheaper than places like Olive Garden.


Gold made a career out of finding those places in the LA area.  There is a documentary about him that is worth a watch.
 
2017-04-15 07:04:47 PM  

Tyrosine: Exactly. You don't have to pay $100/plate to get great food. Many "hole in the wall" restaurants are awesome so calling out a chain restaurant for serving bland crap isn't elitist; It's a simple fact. I travel a lot for work and eat out about four or five times per week and 99% of the time independent restaurants are better and cheaper than places like Olive Garden.


The Italians where I live serve good pizza for less then Pizza Hut.

A few thoughts about restaurants:-

1) cooking doesn't scale. It's not like car making, where Honda make a million cars and they're way cheaper than hand making cars.

2) the biggest benefit of chains is that they care about the quality of the brand. You can walk into a bad local restaurant, but you won't go into a bad McDonald's.

3) expensive restaurants can be about all sorts of things. Your meal price has to cover: rent of the restaurant, rent of the staff's homes, remuneration for the staff's talent, ingredients, restaurant design (in and out), marketing, PR, cutlery/crockery/napkins, tablecloths and profit. You go to an in-fashion restaurant, you're paying for profit.

I mention rent first, because most people have no idea how much effect location has. My estimate is that you pay 30-40% more to dine out in London than the regions in the UK for equivalent quality. And that's because it costs more to rent a restaurant and waiters and chefs have higher rents on their homes. The effect is less pronounced, but it also exists between restaurants in the middle of cities and on the outskirts.
 
2017-04-15 07:25:40 PM  

Tyrosine: "I got so many letters calling me elitist, although Olive Garden is actually more expensive than good Italian restaurants."

Exactly. You don't have to pay $100/plate to get great food. Many "hole in the wall" restaurants are awesome so calling out a chain restaurant for serving bland crap isn't elitist; It's a simple fact. I travel a lot for work and eat out about four or five times per week and 99% of the time independent restaurants are better and cheaper than places like Olive Garden.


Olive Garden is popular because it's "safe" and consistent. Free of unexpected strong flavors, and pretty much the same in Fargo as it is in Orlando.
A large percentage of people in this country would rather have that than an amazing dining experience.
 
2017-04-15 08:03:49 PM  

LectertheChef: Basily Gourt: Love him or hate him, I have to call foul on the review of Trump's dump.

That review (the actual review, not the blurb) was dripping with liberal hate. More a venomous screed penned by some far left denizen of the upper west side than a review of a restaurant.

/And written a few weeks after the election was just a coincidence I'm sure.

Dude, it's a restaurant that serves taco bowls, and bares the name of a guy who eats pizza with a knife and fork, and likes his steaks well done and covered in ketchup. It is literally impossible for it to be any good.


The "pizza with a fork and knife" thing is some ridiculously stupid nitpicking. It doesn't ruin the food in any way, like the steak episode did, it just a way to eat something. With the way people go overboard making pizza nowadays, sometimes that's the only way to eat it, as the crust can't support the weight of the toppings once it starts getting soggy from the sauce. Jesus, just because cause someone told someone they knew, who passed it on to someone they knew, who then passed it on to someone they knew, who passed it on to someone both of you know that they don't like people who eat pizza with a fork doesn't mean that it is a stoning offense. Find something real to dig on Trump for, it's a good bet that he's Tweeted something worth picking up in just the last half hour...
 
2017-04-15 08:23:54 PM  

Mikey1969: LectertheChef: Basily Gourt: Love him or hate him, I have to call foul on the review of Trump's dump.

That review (the actual review, not the blurb) was dripping with liberal hate. More a venomous screed penned by some far left denizen of the upper west side than a review of a restaurant.

/And written a few weeks after the election was just a coincidence I'm sure.

Dude, it's a restaurant that serves taco bowls, and bares the name of a guy who eats pizza with a knife and fork, and likes his steaks well done and covered in ketchup. It is literally impossible for it to be any good.

The "pizza with a fork and knife" thing is some ridiculously stupid nitpicking. It doesn't ruin the food in any way, like the steak episode did, it just a way to eat something. With the way people go overboard making pizza nowadays, sometimes that's the only way to eat it, as the crust can't support the weight of the toppings once it starts getting soggy from the sauce. Jesus, just because cause someone told someone they knew, who passed it on to someone they knew, who then passed it on to someone they knew, who passed it on to someone both of you know that they don't like people who eat pizza with a fork doesn't mean that it is a stoning offense. Find something real to dig on Trump for, it's a good bet that he's Tweeted something worth picking up in just the last half hour...


Friggin' Italians eat pizza with a forggin knife. Shut uppa yo face!
 
2017-04-15 09:52:01 PM  

Miss Stein: Bonus points:  The Olive Garden's "McTuscan architecture".


When I was a kid, there was an Olive Garden that opened and had that "modernist" 80's look w/ the weird angles and curved bar. We went there a few times, until they took veal off the menu. Now it's that McTuscan crap. My grandpa had a coupon and we "needed" to eat there a couple of years ago. Wow, they were passable 25 years ago, they have really fallen off a cliff.
 
2017-04-15 09:56:47 PM  

El Dudereno: Tyrosine: "I got so many letters calling me elitist, although Olive Garden is actually more expensive than good Italian restaurants."

Exactly. You don't have to pay $100/plate to get great food. Many "hole in the wall" restaurants are awesome so calling out a chain restaurant for serving bland crap isn't elitist; It's a simple fact. I travel a lot for work and eat out about four or five times per week and 99% of the time independent restaurants are better and cheaper than places like Olive Garden.

Olive Garden is popular because it's "safe" and consistent. Free of unexpected strong flavors, and pretty much the same in Fargo as it is in Orlando.
A large percentage of people in this country would rather have that than an amazing dining experience.


This is true, especially for something "ethnic." I have yet to try any Chinese or Indian food when I visit family in Knoxville. I did have "carnitas" in Nashville, but it was basically Mexican immigrants making Memphis smoke BBQ w/ tortillas, salsa and cilantro instead of the sauce. They were using the same drum smokers as the regular BBQ joints. Really farking good.
 
2017-04-15 10:12:32 PM  

farkeruk: 2) the biggest benefit of chains is that they care about the quality of the brand. You can walk into a bad local restaurant, but you won't go into a bad McDonald's.


I will vigorously challenge you on that statement. Some chains, like McDonald's make franchisees tow the line and allow no deviation from company protocol. Others do not. Subway is a good example of the latter, where individual locations often deviate wildly from brand standards and frequently do not follow company policies (eg. the now defunct "Buy 10 Get One Free Card" which some locations would honor and others would not). I've seen the same variations in non-fast food chains as well. It all depends on head office policies and how quickly they want to expand.
 
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